#i thought itd be easier to do them separately but it just made things harder. man

[radlegowaffle]

🐶🐶🐾💙💗

[brainfarts-com]

I want to get this out of my system. Not like anyone gonna see it, but have been bottling it up for years and not let go of it. My parents know the person but dont know the damage. The only person who knows it was damaging, doesn't know the full story. No one knows but me and it has been eating me away from the inside for 7 years. And still no one else will know it, but ill have it down, giving myself a chanse to get it straight.

I changed schools after the 4th grade. My mom didn't like the teachers there so she brought me to a better school. Which was absolutely fine, I missed my best friend a lot but it was a great school with amazing teachers and classmates. Exept Luca. She was something else. She was strong willed and strong worded. She always got exactly what she wanted. Her parents spoiled and phraised her non stop. And she made that everyone elses problem. On my first day in school, I remember her smiling at me... and the next thing I remember is that I was in her friend group (which meant two other girls). It feels like I completely blacked out a few months. From there it was downhill. When I got there, I was an ambivert at least - loving attention, spending time with people and very much a people pleaser. She used that up against me big time. She lowered my self esteem to zero, made me believe I was average, but at least worse in everything than her. She ordered me around like a puppy. It got to a point that I made fun of myself just to entertain her- because I knew that was what she wated to hear. She made me fear her- but I didn't know why I was afraid of her. Thats what got me out of it. I sometimes tried to ask her to stop, because I did feel uncomfortable and like this isnt normal, but it never worked. She said shed change, but after a month she was the same as ever.

After two and a half years I broke down in tears to my mom and when she asked why am I afraid of her, I realized how unrealistic I was. The next day I didn't go to her. When she was standing behind me, shouting my name, I didn't turn around. I was shaking while she said: "pah, it must be one of her tantrums". I didn't sit with the table they sat in, I asked the girl I admired instead if I can sit with them an her table group was surprised, but nice and let me sit there. The rage on her face... That I could betray her... She asked me what is my problem, I said: I just want space... I was shaking so hard. Ever since in stressful situations and confrontations, I shake uncontrolably. Her answer was not nice, bit the best I could wish for- she didn't want to interact with me anymore.

The faces of other people... some even gratulated me and offered to help. The girl I admired said I could hang with them if id like. Thats when I realized, how nice classmates I have. Before i was separated from them by Luca, who made everyone a bad guy. But now they accepted me, talked with me, joked with me. Even tho I became a lone shark most of the time, but I got a lot of support from them. They probably didn't even notice. But that didn't last too long.

Less than two years and high school started. I had no idea, how to interact with people, so I did the same as before. Lone shark, helping out with school stuff. But now that didn't work well- my new classmates didn't care for me, just to get what they wanted. They even made fun of me, sometimes with talking with me like im an idiot, while I helped them with homework and help them on tests. But I was naive and frankly, I had it worse with Luca, this was way nicer than before, so I didn't think much of it.

A miracle that I got a friend. She was nerdy and she was the butt of the jokes as well, but that wasn't why we became friends. We liked the same youtuber. A few months and we were inseparable. But that didn't magically teach me how to be friends with someone. So I did the same as before- listened and acted the way I thought others would like me to be. That was what Luca trained me to do. That was not my friends fault, but it ruined the friendship. Slowly I became empty with no energy to act. I became snappy and quiet, which made her distance herself from me. Later we talked it out but at that time, it was the worse. I had nothing going on, no stimulus, same thing repeating, smiling to teachers and roommates and that empty feeling inside.

At that point, I was barely alive. For years, I told myself: if I wouldn't have friends and family, I wouldn't be worth living. I did not realize, how fucked up that mindset was. Now I didn't have friends, my days became even blanker and acting became harder. I couldn't laugh at a video I found funny- god, I remember that balloon one, I thought: hah, thats funny, but not a chuckle, not a smile, just the thought. And still, I didn't realize what bad of a shape I was in mentaly. I was suicidal, but not outright, the thought made itself normal in my brain, like it is an everyday thing to think of.

My only chill time became YouTube. I didn't have to act while watching. Than I found undertale there. I knew the story and the characters so well while ive never played the game, but I loved it. Once it recommended a let's play of it to me. The thumbnail was pretty and upon seeing how long the video was, I simply said I'll click away if I get bored.

It hit me like a horse kick. My face showed genuent expression for the first time in years. The sheer energy of it, the thing I lacked for years. Only the intro caught me, the happy guy who said it- I binged the whole series. And than went on a Jse channel binge. It was amazing, it gave me life, it made me want to draw more, it gave me the will and energy to live. Soon his and Mark's videos became the thing I awaited the most in a day.

Now I remember, it was half a year after watching them that I became snappy. Because they were nice and they didn't ask me to be someone else. Sean said in so many videos that "you are worth it", and he said so many encouraging words along with Mark that I started to believe them. The way I went about it later with my friend was not good tho. Neither of us adressed the problem, we just... avoided it.

Months went by. I started to heal a little, but also got too attached to both of them. It was unhealthy, I know, but they were all I had who didn't judge me. This was the time when my relationship with my mom started to go down. I didn't meet her high expectations. I started to stand up for myself and told her I don't want to be a dentist or a psichologist. She only realized i'm serious when I didn't get into any college. I took a year off, but she still tried to push me. No matter how many times I told her, she gently manipulated me into going along. Or so She thought. I went on the exams she wanted me to, but I failed one. I didn't put effort in, because I didn't want the goal. And that finally made her accept that I want to be a kindergarden teacher. To this day im listening to "you could have been blah blah", but I dont care.

In that off time i grew a lot. I found the jse community. I stopped being dependant on their content. I started to heal for real. I slowly built myself an ego and expand myself. The things I should have done years ago, when I was a kid. When I was taken that chanse away.

Luca. She made my life so difficult and I dont think, she knows it. I could bet that she didn't see herself damaging. I bet she still doesn't see that. But... that doesn't change anything. It doesn't give me back my lost time. It doesn't matter. I ended up how I am now because of her. While it was a tough road, there are things that I wouldn't be the same without her. I wouldn't have the community. I wouldn't have the friends I do now. I wouldn't be the same, the me I worked so hard for. Of course, if she wouldn't intervine, itd be easier. Probably, who knows. I think it would be. But moarning on it won't change it. I have set my motto to be "Don't worry about the things you can't change, it only causes you more stress", but I havent applied it to this situation.

It is time to do it. It is time to let go of those bad feelings. Of course thats easier said than done, but I have the power to it. I allow myself the time to do it. She is my past, a past that shaped me but doesn't define me.

It is time to be unapologeticly me