#i thought david lynch said she’s a cancer in some book or something but i might be making that up

[killingmoon]

it’s the eve of my birthday >:-)

[marredbyoverlength]

Year-End Awards Extravaganza: 2017

It’s been a heck of a year for movies, fellas.

Of the 81 new films I saw in 2017 (or, rather, the 2017 Awards Year, running from February 2017 to February 2018), I scored 20 at 8 or above, and only 21 at 4 or below. No matter what you want from your movies, there’s a 2017 movie you’ll love.

So let’s get right into it!

Best Leading Performance: Timothée Chalamet, Call Me By Your Name

An absolutely perfect performance. His character, a teenage boy figuring out his sexuality, has been done plenty of times before, but never quite so well. What Chalamet brings to the character is a beautifully authentic vulnerability, capturing both the impulsiveness and the unconfidence of teenage love without the slightest hint of pretense or melodrama. Even more impressively, his relationship with Armie Hammer, which could have felt exploitative given the age difference, is the most sincere on-screen romance in years, maybe in decades.

Two scenes in particular stand out in my memory: in one, Hammer is joking with Chalamet, who tries to keep his composure before collapsing. “I don’t want you to leave,” he says. It’s a simple line, but Chalamet imbues it with enormous power just from the way he moves his body. In the other, behind the end credits, he doesn’t say anything. He just stares into a fire, trying to hide his tears from his parents, who, of course, know that he’s crying and why he’s crying. You can see in his eyes that he knows, too.

Honorable Mentions: Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water; Doug Jones, The Shape of Water; Margot Robbie, I, Tonya; Daniel Day-Lewis, Phantom Thread; Vicky Krieps, Phantom Thread; Ryan Gosling, Blade Runner 2049; Kim Tae-ri, The Handmaiden.

Best Supporting Performance: Michael Stuhlbarg, Call Me By Your Name

Stuhlbarg was very good in The Shape of Water and The Post, but he was at his best here. He delivers one of the warmest performances in recent history, the kind of performance that makes you love the character the instant you meet him. There’s just so much joy behind his eyes, so much genuine love for his son.

That alone would be enough to secure this award, but near the end of the movie, he delivers the best monologue of the decade. In that scene, he consoles his son, who has just lost his first love, filling lines that could easily have been cheesy with immense love, sincerity, and wisdom: “if there is pain, nurse it. And if there is a flame, don’t snuff it out.”

Honorable Mentions: Rooney Mara, A Ghost Story; Richard Jenkins, The Shape of Water; Michael Shannon, The Shape of Water; Michelle Williams, All The Money in the World; Christoph Waltz, Downsizing; Allison Janney, I, Tonya; Lesley Manville, Phantom Thread, Gil Birmingham, Wind River; Ana de Armas, Blade Runner 2049; Tracy Letts, Lady Bird; Jeff Goldblum, Thor: Ragnarok.

The Costner Award for Worst Performance: Dane DeHaan, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Now that I’ve gushed sufficiently to embarrass myself, I’ll recover by saying mean things.

As much as I would love to give this to Gerard Butler again (and boy would he deserve it), this category was a blowout. DeHaan, as the titular character, did absolutely nothing right. His voice was unnatural. His face was totally blank. He even had a stupid haircut. He’s supposed to be suave, but every time he tries to woo Cara Delevingne, he comes off sniveling and pathetic. He’s supposed to be brave, but he comes off stupid. He was the worst part of every scene he was in, and he was in nearly every scene. And I usually like Dane DeHaan. What the hell happened?

Honorable Mention: Gerard Butler, Geostorm.

Nicest Surprise:  xXx: Return of Xander Cage

xXx is a stupid franchise with a stupid premise. So stupid, in fact, that I only saw this movie because I lost a bet. But ten minutes into the movie, as Donnie Yen kung fu’d a dozen bureaucrats unconscious, I leaned over to my friend Steve and said ���is it just me, or does this rule?” The movie continued to rule for its entire runtime. Highlights: Ruby Rose murders a poacher, Vin Diesel wears the world’s largest fur coat, and Kris Wu becomes an international super-spy entirely on the strength of his DJ skills.

Honorable Mentions: The Circle; I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore; Brigsby Bear.

Winter’s Tale Memorial “What On Earth Am I Watching” Award: The Book of Henry

The Book of Henry is the total package: uniquely bad and uniquely bonkers. (WARNING: spoilers for the most ill-advised movie of the decade ahead.)

The films starts off as a Cute Precocious Kid Movie, something that might have been written by a concussed Salinger wannabe. After 10 or so minutes of that, the Cute Precocious Kid watches the neighbor girl get violently raped by her dad. No, I’m not kidding. Then it’s a Kid Detective movie for 40 minutes or so—before Our Hero dies suddenly of brain cancer. No, I’m still not kidding. Then his mother finds the titular book, which is full of instructions on how to murder the rapist and get away with it. For the rest of the movie, Jaeden Lieberher coaches his mother from beyond the grave on how to assassinate Hank from Breaking Bad.

That doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. Every new development in this film made my jaw hang a little lower, until by the end of the movie I sat there utterly stupefied. It’s a true achievement in poor decision-making.

Honorable Mentions: A Dog’s Purpose; Vengeance: A Love Story; Geostorm.

Most Insulting Moment: The dancing scene, The Book of Henry

Near the end of The Book of Henry, the school principal finally figures out that the neighbor girl is being abused. But she doesn’t notice the bruises, or listen to the witnesses, or anything that makes sense. Instead, she deduces it from the girl’s interpretative dance for the school talent show. Somehow this is enough not only to convince the principal, but to get the chief of police arrested by his own subordinates.

Colin Trevorrow is among our dumbest working directors.

Honorable Mentions: Dissociative Identity Disorder gives you super-strength, Split; Casting Charlie Sheen in a 9/11 movie, 9/11; The big clock that says “Countdown to Geostorm”, Geostorm.

Best Picture: Twin Peaks: The Return

Ok, yeah, this is a cop-out. Despite what David Lynch will tell you, this really shouldn’t count as a movie. It’s 18 hours long, it’s broken into episodes, and it aired on television.

But to hell with all that. Twin Peaks: The Return is the best movie of the year despite not being a movie. It’s that good. I finished the show a month ago and I’ve thought about it every day since. Episode 8 alone cements it in the pantheon of all-time great television shows; the finale puts it in the top slot.

The Return takes all the loose ends of the original series and at once ties them up and leaves them worse than before. Some plots wrap up neatly: seeing Ed and Norma finally get together is among the best romantic moments in television. Some plots don’t wrap up at all: Audrey is last seen dancing alone at the Roadhouse, having learned nothing and forgotten nothing. Some plots are deliberately cut short, as if to taunt the viewer: Richard Horne literally explodes for no discernible reason.

But somehow, all that jumbled mess, which at times seems disconnected not only from reality but from itself, is all an indispensable part of the whole. It’s holistic cinema: every part is important, and no part is important. It’s a beautiful and terrifying exploration of destiny, duality, identity, and purpose, too big to be contained in a feature-length film.

Honorable Mentions: A Ghost Story; Logan; your name.; The Handmaiden; Blade Runner 2049.

First Runner Up and Best Actual Movie: Call Me By Your Name.

That’s it for 2017. Thanks for another fun year!