#i thought about this especially after reading about the issues with aba therapy

[anti-ao3]

i might intern to this clinic dedicated to autistic kids, as i have probably mentioned here, and while it does look like a great place that doesn't outright mistreat the kids, the fact it felt like the psychologists were talking to a dog for doing the "right" tricks rlly felt off to me. like damn, it sounded like me when i do the babytalk with my dog.

like kids definitely deserve praise, but not like this.

i always ask myself, "would kid me like being talked to this way?". no, kid me would hate it, i'm sure of it.

[autismus-obscurus]

On self-dx

A while ago, someone asked me privately to tell them why I was clearly pro self-dx. It's a question I have seen a lot. It's a complex topic and there's a lot of misconceptions about what self-dx even is. Here's a slightly adapted version of my answer (under a cut so I don’t clog your dash). If anyone else has something to add, please do.

Also, TW: swearing. Sorry not sorry, It's just how I talk.

First off, we have to define what self-dx even is. Self dx is NOT googling "autism symptoms", reading one list, and the deciding "oh I'm autistic, lets go beg for pity". I can't speak for all autistics, but I don't fucking want pity. That's not the point of saying you're autistic. I just want to live without constant overload, okay? Lets go a bit more into detail: I’m very clearly pro self-dx, but I will not take someone seriously who takes one test and reads one blog post and then decides “I’m autistic.” That’s not how this works. Self-dx means hours upon hours of reading blogs, of reading articles, of checking the criteria again and again (cynically said, you're checking off a list, we'll get to that again later on), of asking autistics about every tiny trait you suspect could point towards or against it, of self doubt, of hope, of finding autistics spreading positivity or Autism Speaks / Autism Moms(TM) telling you you’re a monster. It’s emotionally draining as fuck. Self-dx is a search for identity. It’s trying to find out why your life is the way it is, why you are a certain way and how to cope with problems in a way that doesn’t do any more damage.

This line of thought goes in hand with another tumblr thing: Many people shit on self-dx because there's this nearly immortal assumption that people self-dx because it’s “cool” to be mentally ill. It’s not. Admittedly, teenagers are fucking weird and maybe some genuinely think they are ill when they are not, but I'm convinced that is the minority at best. Also, when we get to the point of preteneding to be sick that’s a legitimate disorder in itself. (Münchhausen or imposter’s syndrome. I've heard it called pathological lying, but that's quite a bit different and also a disorder that people cannot control and need help for.)

Let's look at a few statistics. In Europe 30% of people are officially diagnosed with a disorder under the ICD-10 / DSM-V. 75% of mental disorders start in adolescence (according to a German survey, BGS 98; here's also a link to the offical WHO page with statistics: HERE). The survey does not include those who are too ashamed to get help, who have no access to help, who are just not taken serious or have to fear abuse if it becomes known. Autism is not a mental disorder, obviously, but the staggering majority of autistics in the past was diagnosed as a child and face many of the same problems. (I’ll get to why the diagnosis age is a problem for autistic people in general in a second.) Now imagine finding a community of people who understand you, who can give you actually helpful tips, and you don’t have to reveal your identity. Anything classified as abnormal is still a taboo. People don’t believe you or make jokes about you. Example: I had to fight for an autism diagnosis because my dad, and I quote, says “there is nothing wrong with you”. No, there’s not, but I’m still autistic. That’s the mindset people apply to any neurodivergence. As to the matter of why so many people on the internet claim to be neurodivergent / mentally ill, I have a theory of my own. I can’t prove it, but it makes sense for me. Many neurodivergencies make it hard to go out. I’m introverted as hell, and often don't have the spoons to go out. So what do I do? I spend my life at home, browsing the internet. It takes me so much less effort to keep contact with people than if I had to go out and meet them. No sensory overload, nothing unexpected will happen. Meanwhile, the healthy people and extroverts are out and about having fun their own way. And, coming back to the community, on here it’s a lot easier to express your thoughts, especially on taboo topics.

Example: I think reading this text we can agree that my English (my second language) is reasonably good and that I’m a logical, intelligent person that can express arguments in an ordered manner. Right? Well, if you would be talking to me face to face, I would probably not make a whole lot of sense. I stutter, I lose trains of thoughts, I fall over my vocabulary, my pronunciation is often wobbly and then I will inevitably panic and make even less sense (this goes for talking in my L1 as well, in case anyone wonders). I’m not dumb, but face to face communication is hard.

Next up, the issue with psychologists and getting diagnosed. There is this pervasive notion that pschologists are The Authority (TM) who know everything and nobody else can be as good as them. Here's the thing: Psychologists are human. They’re not omniscient. And sometimes those psychologists are just shit. They can be sexist, and racist, and narcissistic. They can be condescending, and unable to admit they doN't know enough about a topic, and flat out ignore new evidence because it doesn’t fit their worldview. Go in the actuallyautistic tag. The amount of people who are dismissed by their therapists because this so called professional “has a feeling” they’re not autistic is ridiculous. Feelings don’t matter. Only the diagnostic interview matters, but the patients are denied that because a psychologist trusts his gut more than science. Without a decent self-dx it will be pretty hard to get diagnosed as a teenager or adult. On top of that, once you have learned to pass, autistic traits get lost or suppressed for fear of punishment. Often you have to convince them to test you with a detailed list that describes how you fit the DSM criteria. Which is by definition already a self-dx. "Oh, but psychologist are trained for that, surely they know!!!!!11!" I’m a psychology student. I just got an A in my clinical psychology class. I'll write my thesis in clinical psychology probably. The amount of diagnoses you have to learn does not allow to go in depth of anything. What a psychologist does is listen to you and check boxes on a list. (Sound familiar? I said we'd get there again.) We didn't even talk about autism. I did a presentation on it, found out my course teacher doesn't even know ABA is harmful (his point was "well the literature says it's effective"; Are You Kidding?). Our paedagogy prof spewed some ableist phrases pitying her friend that has an autistic kid. The perks of being an undercover autistic person :))) (That's sarcasm.)

To get back to the point: An ableist at worst, at best uneducated psychologist decides if you’re autistic, solely on what they have been told. The amount of posts that goes "I was denied diagnosis because I have good grades / are a girl / have friends / can talk" is ridiculous.

Example: I was in therapy three times until I was fifteen and NONE of them got the idea I might be autistic, despite me showing pretty severe symptoms. I had to self-dx and then convince my therapist to test me. I only even got that idea because we watched Rain Man in school. Seriously? Who knows you better: You or a psychologist you know for an hour?

Okay, before I get carried off, all of that assumes you actually get as far as being tested. To get there, it requires parents to listen to their kid. Parents typically don’t want anything to be wrong with their kid. (There’s nothing wrong with being autistic, but too many people still think that.)

Example: My dad still doesn’t believe I’m autistic. My diagnosis was four years ago. Because, I quote, “There’s nothing wrong with you.” No there’s not, but that doesn’t make me allistic.

The amount of stereotypes and ableist myths is staggering. Autism is one of the most misunderstood conditions I’ve ever researched. The DSM criteria are shit. They are, since decades, based on boys. They’re very limited, and while not wrong, describe things in a way that makes it hard for people to find "atypical" examples (stereotypical interests = trains). What about girls obsessed with horses? Nobody thinks that’s abnormal, yet it’s very possible. There are still a ton of people who think girls cannot be autistic, or if they are, to use the ableist principles this idea is founded on, they have to be “low-functioning”. The truth is, even the diagnostic interviews can’t pick up on autistic girls very well, that is a known fact. (Look at this link for example: HERE) I have most of those posts tagged either as info or ableism, but I don't have the spoons to check right now and my internet is shit.) To paraphrase the article and the other sources I know: Most autistic females just fly under the radar because they’re better at adapting and hiding it. That doesn’t have to be a conscious effort, but it’s exhausting, and then you sit there as a teenager and wonder why you’re feeling like shit because you never learned healthy autistic coping machanisms (or got punished for them).

Example: I didn’t learn of stimming, of dyspraxia, of sensory processing issue and literally everything that had defined my daily life until I found the autsitic community. I don’t think my therapist ever heard of that and I was labeled too “high-functioning” to actually get help. I managed, and back then I was fine, or thought I was after the depression wore off. I’m paying the price for that now.

People of color and women are severely mis- and underdiagnosed in literally everything medical. Teenagers are very rarely taken seriously, especially girls. Some people don’t believe autism exists at all. Now, assume somebody has understanding parents or teachers or is an adult, and could, thoretically go to a doctor to get diagnosed. Because (paraphrasing the original ask here) by validating self-dx we only push the notiion that you don't need a doctor to be diagnosed (which is again the Autority Lane (TM)). Well, yes, it would be preferable to get an official diagnosis, for the accomodations alone, but there is a shitton of reasons not to.

Example: I am currently undiagnosed. How so? My therapist made a deal with my parents that we would not write down the diagnosis, to prevent it from bringing me trouble. At first I was like “that’s ableist bullshit”. It’s not. Well, it still involves a lot of ableism, but there are a lot of reasons why I have to weigh if getting a diagnosis is worth it, even though I clearly need the help right now.

Here is a list of good reasons why someone could choose not to get professionally diagnosed:

money (in Germany healthcare is mostly free, but in the US getting a diagnosis can cost several thousand dollar)

autistic people are at a much higher risk of abuse, and don’t get taken as seriously (see ABA therapy and Autism Moms)

With an autism diagnosis you can be instituationalized far easier against your will (that works with almost all mental diagnoses)

In Germany you will have a harder time getting an insurance, they will make you pay more and don’t provide certain services e.g. You want an insurance for when you become unable to work, you know, like almost everyone has? Yeah, forget about it, autistic people don’t get that.

It can be used against you when you get in a fight about your kids’ custody

Medical ableism is a thing. You can have everything from a cold to cancer, from depression to borderline, it’s all The Autism. Autistic people are often seen as not having enough insight into their own body and mind to judge their own body (just like women, so as an autistic woman you're fucked twice as much :))) )

Getting a job outside of “supportive” businesses (read: they want Rain Man. They’re IT businesses who want autistic programmers and engineers, everyone else is pretty much fucked.) will be almost impossible. Autism is a disability and nobody wants disabled people past what the necessary quota is.

In the psych field there are no officially diagnosed people I know of, one researcher’s work was discredited when it came out she was autistic. I was already warned several times that I should hide my autism if I wanted to get a job at all.

basically, people are shit and can and will use your diagnosis against you

Lastly, I don’t really understand why people are so hateful towards the self-dx crowd. I can’t prove that there’s no black sheep, but most of them are people who look to improve their lives and better their mental health. Let’s put it like this:

The anti-self dx crowd: Only psychologists can tell if you’re autistic. Self-dx: I think I’m autistic. Antis: How dare you! I can clearly tell you’re not autistic. Fuck off, faker.

Call me cynic, but that is the core of reason most anti-self-dxers apply. Who the hell gave them the authority to judge other people? How do you know what a person is going through from reading two posts on tumblr? This isn’t some elite club. That kind of thinking ostracizes us even more when we alread have to fight so hard to be allwoed to live. Who are the self-dxers hurting? The ableists treat us like shit anyway. And honestly? I’d rather let in five fakers than have an autistic person suffer alone because of they can’t “prove” they’re autistic.

Dev out.

[brainfoodgp]

Seeds For Wellness Journal Summer/2017

“There needs to be a lot more emphasis on what a child can do instead of what he cannot do.” -Temple Grandin-

I have certainly been busy this month celebrating my 45th new year! For someone that spent a lot of my 20’s and 30’s trying to find ways to end my life, there is a certain joy that comes with each new passing year. Managing my manic depressive symptoms is in itself a full time job. However, by eating a healthier diet and getting out into a garden as much as possible. I realized that the reason I am still on this earth is to spread that message throughout the mental health community. Both of these wellness tools successfully work for me and I know deep down they could work for you as well.

A perfect opportunity to further that mission came about several months ago when life coach and motivational speaker Ozioma Egwuonwu invited me to come out to The Dream Center in Newburgh, NY and to share my story and vision for Brain Food Garden Project. The DreamTalk will take place on July 27th from 7-9PM I hope you will be able to join me or stream it live. To learn more about The Dream Center Click Here  And to learn more about its founder Ozioma Click Here

I love the fact that we highlight certain days, weeks and months out of a year to bring attention to important causes. I love Mental Health Awareness month and the greater understanding it brings to the world. However, I also believe that we should talk about all of these important issues all year long. It is our goal at Brain Food Garden Project to keep the dialogue flowing on a plethora of topics related to mental health and food justice every single day through social media and this blog. That is precisely why I turned over our BFGP Feature story this month to a good friend and the mother of a beautiful young man Carter, who just happens to also be Autistic. Sarah Todd’s beautifully written article will indeed show you the true meaning of the words unconditional love.

Also this month we return with more Notes from the Resistance, and What I’m Reading and our Healthy & Delicious Recipes tie in to our feature story on Autism.  

Happy Reading!  

The BFGP Feature:

Sarah Todd is a resident of Covington, Georgia. Besides being an exceptional mother to her son Carter and a true believer in the power of Harry Potter as a mental health wellness tool. She is also an advocate for all children and parents dealing with Autism. Sarah is the Vice Chair of County Parties and County Party Liaison for the state Democratic Party. She travels county by county insuring that the next generation of grassroots activists are trained and ready for the frontlines.

Life As an Autism Mama by Sarah Todd

When it comes to parenting a child on the autism spectrum, you often wish there was a book you could pick up that would give you step by step instructions on how not to screw up your one task, which is to raise a happy, healthy human being.  I’ve wished and dreamed for such a thing, but I know it doesn’t exist because as the old saying goes, “if you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.”  There is no one-size-fits-all strategy for raising an autistic child.

In the grand scheme of things, I’m relatively new to the world of autism.  Unofficially, I’ve lived in this world for 11 years.  Officially, for 9, when we received a diagnosis of PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Delays – Not Otherwise Specified) for our son Carter. I had a totally normal pregnancy. Easy delivery.  Everything was just fine and we couldn’t be happier. Carter progressed as he should have for about 15 months and then stopped reaching “normal” infant and toddler milestones.  I really didn’t need a doctor to tell me my child was different.  I knew something was different about Carter before we were ever told.  A mother always knows.  The signs were there.

Lining up toys in a straight line.  Loud noises hurting his ears.  Twirling until he fell over and then getting back up and doing it again.  Bright lights hurting his eyes (and in stores, the noise of florescent lights hurting his ears).  Not interested in playing with toys, but wanting to see how they worked (especially if they had wheels that moved).  Walking on his tip toes.  Answering your questions with a question or just repeating back to you what you said to him (echolalia).  Repetition. Repetition.  Repetition.  Hand flapping when he was excited (this was really cute and I kind of miss it now that he’s outgrown this stimming technique).  The obsessive love of Thomas the Train.  My husband and I knew it was time to get him into something else when we ended up arguing about two of the trains at 3 o’clock in the morning – long after Carter had fallen asleep, but with us still watching.  Thomas the Train being replaced with an obsessive love of the movie Cars.  Seriously, I’m pretty sure we put some Pixar employee’s kid through college with all the stuff we had to have because it was Lightning McQueen (although I’m pretty sure that was normal for every little boy at that age).

We started the therapies that were recommended by our doctor - occupational therapy and speech therapy. They also recommended ABA therapy (Applied Behavioral Analysis therapy), but our insurance wouldn’t approve it.  When he was three, we enrolled him in a program through our local school system called Babies Can’t Wait that provides early intervention for children with developmental delays.  We couldn’t get him into the program until about three months before the school year ended, but it was a very good start to getting him socialized with other kids.  He was in a special needs Pre-K class at one school.  I wasn’t impressed.  We moved to put him in a better school.  He excelled in this other school.  He’s just finished up the 5th grade and is moving to middle school this year. He’s leaving elementary school on the A/B Honor Roll and he has made lasting friendships with some really great kids.  The teachers and staff of this school are some of the most amazing people you would ever hope to have in the field of education.

Carter was “mainstreamed”, which means he split his time between smaller special education classes and regular classes with neurotypical children.  He loves math.  I guess it’s because he can see how it works in his mind.  He’s a visual learner.  He receives occupational therapy and speech therapy through the school system and it helps him maneuver through a day with other kids who don’t have a clue what autism is.  His classmates know he’s different.  They just accept him.

It sounds like a perfect life and I can’t tell you how many times someone has said to me that they couldn’t tell that he’s on the spectrum.  Good.  That’s exactly how we’ve raised him.  I take my role as a parent preparing him for a life without me very seriously.

He really is a happy kid and I consider myself to be the luckiest mom in the world to have a son that was voted “Most Polite” by his fellow classmates and teachers at school this past year.  He’s funny. He’s smart.  He’s kind.  Unlike some others on the spectrum, he’s extremely empathetic.  He’ll bring you a tissue if he sees you crying and tells you over and over that it’s going to be ok.  By my account, he’s doing just fine.

He’s just out there being the best 11 year old he can be.  There have been times when he’s faltered, but what child hasn’t?  Getting to this point though has been a struggle for us.  I would never speak for my husband because our roles in Carter’s life are very different, but for me, this life hasn’t always been peachy.  I wouldn’t trade being his mom for anything in the world, but I would like to know what it’s like to not go to sleep on a regular basis being eaten alive with worry. He’s an only child.  Who will be there for him when we’re gone?    Will he be picked on at his new school?  Will he always be oblivious to the dangers of this world?  Will he ever be able to communicate with people in a truly meaningful way?  Will he ever find someone to love him for just being his amazing self?

People don’t know that it’s lonely being a parent of a child with autism.  We’re surrounded by others, but they have no idea what kind of struggles we go through.  I often wonder to myself if parents of neurotypical kids are guilty of wishing that, for once, their kid just “gets it” like everyone else does.  Or, in my more selfish moments, I want to know do they know what its like to mourn the loss of a child that never existed, but you thought you would have?  Where’s my son that would play little league baseball instead of sitting at a computer all day building cars on car company websites?  In my more critical moments, I’m deeply ashamed of myself for thinking such things.

We face a lot of external strains.  Financially, we’ve taken hit after hit.  Georgia wasn’t a state that mandated autism coverage when Carter was younger so we had to pay for his therapies out of pocket.  We burned through our savings.  I cashed out two 401k’s.  We lost our home to foreclosure, but I have a kid who can communicate with others so I think we chose wisely.

I consider myself pretty lucky that I have a great partner on our son’s journey to adulthood.   Don’t get me wrong - I get angry with my husband. I resent the hell out of being The Parent while he gets to be Mr. Fun Time Guy to hang out with on the weekends, but we also know that we’re not the focus anymore so we get over ourselves real quick.  It’s not about us.  It’s about Carter and we do whatever we have to do to get through another day as TeamTodd

I’m not naturally predisposed to being an optimistic person.  I’ve never been what can be described as patient.  But since I am my child’s introduction to the world, I do whatever I can to be just those very things.  You don’t know love until you are choking down your rage at watching the same movie for the 786th time.  If you are a planner like me – a logistics queen – you weep for your former life because now you know you have to just go with the flow.  You can plan and plan and plan and think you have something figured out for just about every scenario imaginable (and you usually do if you are an autism parent), but there will always be that one thing that comes up that you just have to deal with.

Well-meaning people ask me all the time how to interact with those on the autism spectrum or what can they do to help?  I usually chuckle.  They are so serious when they ask, like they’ve just heard you have some terminal illness and they don’t know what to do.  It’s ok.  Nobody knows what to do until you must deal with it yourself.  I usually tell them that the most important thing to remember when interacting with someone on the autism spectrum is to be patient and don’t take it personally if you don’t get the response you have been hard wired and conditioned to receive your whole life. Anything “typical” to you may or may not be to them.  Really. Can you imagine what it must be like to live in a world that is always too loud, too bright, too colorful, too distracting, too smelly, too much?  We ask so much of people with autism.  Every day, these individuals are expected to fit their square pegs into the round holes of our society.

Life is all about choices. Some people choose to get bogged down by life, to see the ugliness of a cruel world.  We choose to see life through Carter’s eyes – one filled with love and joy and empathy.  We choose to protect him for as long as we can, but we also choose to let him experience his life his own way.  We’ve relinquished control of the path we take.  We’re just along for the ride now and we couldn’t imagine a better guide.

What I’m Reading:

We named Temple Grandin our BFGP Hero back in April of 2016 after I finally watched the wonderful HBO movie based on her life and read her first book Emergence:Labeled Autistic. In honor of my friend and fellow Hufflepuff Carter Todd I have recently started reading The Autistic Brain:Thinking Across The Spectrum by Grandin and Richard Panek. The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette called it “The right brain has created the right book for right now.” 1 in 88 children are affected by Autism. to learn more about Autism Click Here  

Notes From The Resistance:

The Christo Fascist Authoritarian regime currently holding our country in a vice grip knows no shame. From trying to again take away millions of American’s health care to appointing a company party planner to oversee New York’s federal housing programs. These are our notes from the resistance. 

1, Who Gets hurt by the SNAP cuts in the current regime budget? Click Here

2.  This is nothing to party about Click Here

3. Food Justice experts weigh in on the Fascist Click Here 

4. Pesticides our health is at risk with the Authoritarian’s EPA Click Here

5.  End the fascist regime’s pay for play in the private prison system sign the petition Click Here

Healthy & Delicious Recipes:

When I talk to friends with children on the autistic spectrum. One of the consistent things I hear frustrates them the most is the fact they find it difficult to feed their children healthy foods because their kids just want pizza or chicken nuggets. So much of this has to do with the fact autistic kids see visually and taste differently than we do. I have been following our guest writer Sarah Todd’s journey on Facebook recently on working to get Carter to eat more healthfully. That struggle inspired me to look for a recipe this month that would fit Carter’s  sensibility but with mom’s desire for him to eat healthier.

Baked Panko Breaded Chicken Nuggets

INGREDIENTS

2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (about 1 pound total)

1 cup panko (Japanese breadcrumbs)

1/3 cup grated Parmesan

Coarse salt

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

½ cup all-purpose flour

3 large eggs, lightly beaten

Cooking spray 

DIRECTIONS

1.Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Cut chicken into 2-inch pieces. Spread panko on a rimmed baking sheet and bake until golden brown, 6 to 8 minutes. Transfer to a shallow dish, then add Parmesan and ½ teaspoon salt; drizzle with oil and stir to combine.

2.Place flour and eggs in separate shallow dishes. Increase temperature to 450 degrees.

3.Set a wire rack in a rimmed baking sheet; lightly coat rack with cooking spray. In batches, coat chicken in flour, shaking off excess, dip in egg, then coat with panko, pressing to adhere. Place on rack.

4.Bake until chicken is cooked through, 12 minutes, flipping halfway through. Serve nuggets with sauce.

[duaneodavila]

The Lawyers Depression Project

I recently became aware of an incredible mental health resource that has been flying under the radar. It is the Lawyers Depression Project (LDP).  It is a grassroots effort to address depression and other mental health issues in the legal profession.  The project is the brainchild of Joseph Milowic III, a partner at the law firm of Quinn Emanuel.

The LDP consists of attorneys, law students, law school graduates pending bar exam results and/or admission, and others in the legal field who were diagnosed at one point or another in their lives, with major depression, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, general anxiety disorder, or another mental illness.

It is also for those who are suffering but not formally diagnosed or who simply feel that something “isn’t right” but have not sought formal mental health help.

Joseph Milowic says this about this group:

We want you to know that if you are suffering, you are not alone, and there is a great deal of benefit in connecting with others who are dealing with similar issues. We host a confidential forum at www.knowtime.com and weekly online peer-to-peer support group meetings, offering members the option of anonymity. Meetings involve candid explorations of health and mental health experiences, impacts on legal practice, and tools for effective management and work-life balance.

Here are some examples of meeting topics and member questions:

I’m wondering how many other attorneys have told their work they struggle with depression/anxiety and what their experience has been?

I’d like to ask the group whether knowing what caused/led up to their depression helps or hurts their recovery?  If they don’t know, how much is it hurting/helping? 

What are your most important self-care practices?  Why it is important to prioritize yourself?     

How has your experience with depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues added value to your life or your work?     

Media and social medias impact on our mental health, whether you participate and/or limit your intake.  

Isolation, loneliness and/or feelings of disconnectedness; how we cope, the challenges and benefits of socializing/connecting, and accessing feelings of connectedness. 

In only four months, the LDP has more than 100 members. All of their services and technology are provided at no cost to members (they have a web forum, chat room, and video conferencing technology for use by members).

Here are some of their stories:

Joe: My name is Joe Milowic.  I am a partner at Quinn Emanuel.  And I suffer from depression.  I was diagnosed with major depression over a decade ago.  For a long time, I did not feel comfortable admitting this to my colleagues for fear of being perceived as incapable or unproductive.  This was especially so as a young associate because I was worried people would be less likely to entrust me with important matters if they knew that I sometimes go through periods where I lose motivation and focus. My doctor warned that depression often comes back later in life and can be even worse the next time.  Over the years, I battled it off and on, in what I would describe as cycles of high productivity and occasional ruts that I just need to work through.  During the ruts, I would lose motivation and need to remind myself that it is only temporary — it is an illness and that life is not in fact pointless.  I came to realize that depression is an illness like any other illness and it deserves to be recognized and treated as such without fear of stigmatization. I realized too why depression is so dangerous — when your mind is ill, you can actually believe there is no point to anything, including living.  And unfortunately, sometimes, when you don’t realize you’re sick the results can be tragic, particularly for those we leave behind.  These realizations were a turning point for me, and I decided that speaking out from my position as a partner at Quinn Emanuel would enable me to be more impactful in speaking out about mental illness.  And the fact is we should be talking about this, because you can succeed in Biglaw, and at a top law firm, even if you suffer from depression.  I’m committed to these matters in hopes that someone who is suffering from depression, like I was, will read about my experience and get help

Julia: I was diagnosed with OCD after my first year of law school.  Although I had struggled with the symptoms for many years before that, it took a summer externship fraught with anxious thoughts and compulsive checking of things ranging from my research cites to the door of the judge’s chambers to make sure it had in fact locked behind me, to realize that I needed help.  Now 15 years later, I know how to manage my compulsive checking behaviors.  Yet I also want to be more transparent about the footprint of the other side of the OCD equation — obsessive thoughts and rumination — and what that means in my professional and personal life.  LDP has provided a supportive and inclusive environment for me to share my insights about OCD.  The calls also serve as a weekly affirmation that it is okay to be committed to one’s mental and physical well-being.  I feel very lucky to be part of the LDP team.

Reid: My name is Reid Murtaugh. I am an attorney in Lafayette, Indiana.  I grew up in a world where I felt I had to keep my diagnosis private.  I kept it private through law school and the first seven years of my law career.  In January 2017, I disclosed my bipolar II diagnosis in an article published in the Indiana Lawyer newspaper.  My disclosure allowed me to reach out and connect.  A colleague shared Joe’s article with me.  I shared my story with Joe and he invited me to participate.  LDP is the peer community that I hoped to discover when I started this journey.

David: David Evan Markus, Esq., serves as judicial referee in the civil parts of New York Supreme Court, Ninth Judicial District, and has served in multiple senior legal and policy roles throughout New York State government, including under New York Chief Judges Jonathan Lippman and Judith S. Kaye, and the New York State Senate.  Also an ordained rabbi, Markus serves as pulpit clergy at Temple Beth El of City Island (New York City, NY), as North America’s only pulpit rabbi also to serve full-time in government.  Markus brings to his LDP facilitation his additional certification as a multi-faith spiritual counselor.  He serves as rabbinic faculty at the Academy for Jewish Religion in New York, faculty in spiritual direction for ALEPH (the seminary of Jewish Renewal), and founding builder for Bayit: Your Jewish Home.  Markus previously has taught political science and judicial administration for Fordham University, and administrative law for Pace University’s graduate program in public administration.  Markus earned his rabbinical ordination and spiritual director ordination from ALEPH, his Juris Doctor magna cum laude from Harvard Law School, his Masters in Public Policy from Harvard University’s John F. Kennedy School of Government, and his Bachelor of Arts summa cum laude from Williams College.  He lives in New York.

Lisa: My name is Lisa Smith and I am the Deputy Executive Director and Director of Client Relations at Patterson Belknap in New York City. I’m a former practicing lawyer and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I checked myself into detox for substance use disorder in 2004. I learned that my alcohol and cocaine abuse was directly related to my previously undiagnosed depression. I had been self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, which led to a horrible downward spiral that lasted more than 10 years before I got help. Since I started appropriately treating my depression with medication and therapy, I have been able to stop self-medicating and I’ve been sober for almost 15 years. I was terrified of anyone in my firm learning of my substance use, so I had resisted seeking the help I needed. I’m committed to smashing the stigma around these issues so that we can all understand the resources available to us and feel comfortable reaching out for help. We all deserve to be healthy and happy. I’m thrilled that lawyers now have this incredible community of support — no one needs to work through these issues alone. I chronicled my journey in my book, Girl Walks Out of a Bar, and co-host the podcast, Recovery Rocks.

Meredith: My name is Meredith Siller Rimalower. During my time as a Biglaw associate, I observed how the legal profession can attract, exacerbate, and reward certain behaviors that are actually symptoms of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. So great is this need that it inspired me to make a career change, and I am currently in the process of becoming a licensed psychotherapist hoping to work directly with the legal industry. With the ABA’s recent findings on the prevalence of mental health disorders in the legal industry, I firmly believe that fighting the stigma and providing mental health assistance to legal professionals is no longer optional. LDP is a huge step forward in the direction of fighting the stigma and providing peer support. Through meetings and online forums, LDP is an easily accessible, pressure-free environment where lawyers can share and truly be heard, without judgment, among thoughtful, intelligent, and compassionate members.

For more information about the LDP, please contact josephmilowic@quinnemanuel.com or joe@knowtime.com.

Brian Cuban (@bcuban) is The Addicted Lawyer. Brian is the author of the Amazon best-selling book, The Addicted Lawyer: Tales Of The Bar, Booze, Blow & Redemption (affiliate link). A graduate of the University of Pittsburgh School of Law, he somehow made it through as an alcoholic then added cocaine to his résumé as a practicing attorney. He went into recovery April 8, 2007. He left the practice of law and now writes and speaks on recovery topics, not only for the legal profession, but on recovery in general. He can be reached at brian@addictedlawyer.com.