#i think this is actually common schizoid treatment protocol but whatever

[light-of-being]

On the void (aka summary of like, 5-7 years of my life lmao)

Idk if this would apply to anyone else at all but regardless. If you, like me, have a side of you with an almost-irresistible pull towards nothingness -- finding existence itself ill-fitted, false or otherwise undesirable -- manifesting in hating the fact of a physical body, infinite passivity and the desire to do nothing ever, wanting to be silent forever because words are some sort of betrayal, explicit wish for disappearance, blend into the surroundings (them posts about lying down in the forest and have the plants grow over you), etc ...or if you feel like you’re already there, a little diffuse, not sure if you exist at all...I’d invite you to at least consider it.

Strong tw for suicide and disordered eating.

The problem (and failed solutions)

For a long time, I tried to realise that desire as much as possible. I did, literally, for weeks and months, stop eating, stop speaking, even for a brief period stop moving entirely. I guess my subconscious was playing along, erasing memory, identity, perception itself. I knew it was hurting me and not a sensible thing to do, but I couldn’t not. The ideal, of course, was death, and I tried to get that too, but at some point I was resigned to living but continued trying to make it as little alive as possible. (see also: that quote from Persona)

I expect we know, it’s Bad, but it’s also the only thing that feels right, feels pure and true. Also feels...inevitable.

I spent years trying to eat normally again, because I ��knew” it wasn’t working for me. And it was, like, stupid. I was endlessly frustrated because really, I know better than that, and this doesn’t need to be so hard. But if I’m being honest, I really didn’t want to. I kept hoping and trying for a way to sneak past myself and my life and find a way to still stay true to that...need. And every time I slipped, it felt like I’d found my way back where I belonged. Back with my heart, the void. Home. Where things are a little less wrong.

They talk a lot about the whole “control” thing, and I guess yeah, in a way it’s that. It’s rejection of all that’s been placed upon you, just one big “No” to living a life that’s not on your terms, that you never asked for. No, to life itself. Because none of it feels true to you and you’d rather have nothing than betray yourself. And at some point, you’d rather have nothing than...anything. It feels like passivity -- for a long time, I was like, “without influence, nothingness is the default state. doing anything is an active decision. sustaining life is an active decision. i’m just letting things be in their natural state.” But if you pay attention for a single second, it’s nothing like that. It’s stubborn af. It’s the strongest assertion you’ll ever make. (also, lol, being stationary and nothing is not the natural state of jackshit, at least not for a long time. the heat death of the universe is far away, folks. it’s precisely staying the same that requires resistance)

The thing that led to my first halfway-successful “recovery” attempt (grudgingly, still, not some magic transformation)...wasn’t any good reason that life is good and void is harmful. It was -- “what I desire is literally not a thing I can ever have”. However much I may believe it to be the ultimate good, it’s impossible. And insofar as I’m not actually there, I’m no happier for trying to approximate it. “Slightly pure” is not a thing. It’s just as miserable. It’s futile. All I do is hate myself for every way I fall short.

How does starving myself proceed, how does it end? Not even in death, not usually (I would probably have considered that okay, good even). If I “succeed” enough, it probably ends in a hospital room, being force-fed. And after that? Well, I can just go back to how it was, and have that life on repeat and maybe die somewhere along the way (or just have them not release me again). Or I can try to stop at that stage. Which I guess gives me a little while longer that I can keep up my shit before then, but like. Is that really any good? (my brain still often says yes, but let’s be real. if we can avoid the hospital that’s probably a thing we want)

That’s pragmatic thinking, though; it’s considering things within the frameworks of the world rather than keeping oneself outside of them, and void-self hates that (and I’m 99% sure that anyone who sufficiently strongly related to the previous shit in the present would’ve scoffed at that last paragraph. although some part of you probably also hated to admit it’s true. unless you’re still deep inside, in which case you probably still think you can sneak past it. spoiler alert: you can’t). And I’m sorry, void-self, I know you’d rather have literally anything else, but that is where the universe has placed you, and life isn’t easy enough to let you cop out of anything it gives you.

Void-life is more than just dysfunctional and harmful, it’s completely unsustainable and futile. You’re never going to get there. You’ll just become progressively more miserable. And you can cover your head with a blanket and try to pretend that’s not true while you keep trying, but I know that deep down, you know this. And you hate it and it hurts, and you want to run away from this, too, but...tough. Soz. There’s probably few things you hate so much as, “That’s just the way it is” and you probably just hate the world that much more for not even letting you have this. one. thing. And yeah, fuck the world. Or fuck you. End of the day, you’re probably right -- you weren’t made for each other.

So what now?

I mean, you can die. That’s always a thing you can do. And the first time I really thought this through, I was 100% ready to die rather than deal with it. But it wasn’t the void death from earlier up in this post. It was the anxiety/escapist death from the previous paragraph -- “ohmygod ohmygod I can’t accept this I’m out”. Which, personally, doesn’t generally translate into action, just extreme discomfort and running around like a trapped mouse, wanting to throw myself against the wall (unless it lasts long enough without finding an out of some sort, that it becomes standard depressive hopelessness).

Stage # the next one went like, “well...I guess dying is a thing I’ll get eventually. as such, I could get it anytime I want! eh, what the hell, i can probably fuck around a little while.” Which works, until things become difficult to handle and it becomes, “now seems like a good time.” (after this, technically there was a stage of “killing myself would hurt this person i care about and i’m committed to not doing that...i can probably hang on through it” but that’s not really relevant so i’m sweeping past it.)

But let’s say, for whatever reason, dying is not the ideal option (look, you’re reading this. if you felt this, death was probably one of your first considerations. i expect there’s some reason, however ridiculous, you haven’t successfully gotten to it yet. most of the time, void-self isn’t the whole self and the rest of you still hopes there’s a better way you can satiate it).

Okay, one last thing that I’ve noted to be common in people with this kind of thing going on before I carry on: you have weak boundaries. It sometimes feels like the things placed upon you might seep in and subsume you, and although you seek nothingness, you don’t want to be that kind of nothing (like I said, secretly stubborn af. after all, part of your desire for nothingness involves wanting to be “not that” where that is fkin everything. see also: abjection).

A possible way forward

So here’s what’s been working quite well for me (so far. it might turn into a trainwreck at some point so eh...yeah. but it has been a long time). It boils down to the exist harder and/or assurance point. It also consists of behaving a bit weirdly like you’re [at least] two people.

The main thing is: like I said above, if you’re picking this direction, it’s probably not the void-self choosing it. There’s something else to you. So here’s the plan. You feed it. You strengthen it and let it grow as close to a full person as you can. At first, this looks almost entirely like fighting against void-self and forcing yourself into the world no matter how much it complains. This is really fkin difficult and terrifying to do, and you should use any tools or support you can. This person has been hiding all this time; they’re weak and scared and don’t know how to life. But as they get stronger and develop more of a voice, it becomes easier.

Whatever fragment of this person you start out with, you should be able to identify one (1) thing they consider important or want (don’t tell me there isn’t. that’s not true. it can be as fucking stupid as you like, but if there’s nothing get your depression treated first). Start with that. As you throw them out there more, you’ll probably find more things that they like. Explore many things, stuff you wouldn’t necessarily consider or would be scared of, but you’re curious about. But try as far as possible to make this very much yours. You don’t want to feel like you’re succumbing to some external pressure. You want to feel like you’re in power; that is literally the most important part -- any non-destructive things make you feel like that are great. Take your time. (A thing that’s vaguely useful is miscellaneous advice for people rebuilding themselves after a breakup or loss, because that’s what you’re doing: rebuilding yourself. For yourself this time. Not just for survival.)

Are we suppressing void-self, trying to kill it off? No. We’re just saying it no longer gets to govern our entire lives, because it’s no good at that. It has a place, a place that will probably bring you a lot of happiness, but its place is not controlling your external life. It’s internal.

What we’re doing is giving it a caretaker. We’re giving you the ability to carve out a space for yourself where you can comfortably exist and be a person, without dissolving. But for that you need boundaries, and you need to sustain life first.

More than that, though. The person you’re building will make space for void-self to exist. Void-self doesn’t do that for you. It’s selfish. It kills that person off. It wants to be everything. That’s not fair to the rest of you. And guess what? The rest of you is great, too! It has a lot of potential. It has capabilities void-self could never have dreamed of, that you would never have dreamed of while under the control of void-self. It can bring you a lot of happiness. It has the right to exist, to take up space in your life, too. It will surprise you. This person has the magical ability to exist in the world without being fake...yes, really.

And then, when they’re all grown up, they can protect void-self from being subsumed by everything pushed onto it because they have the strength and skills to navigate real life, to negotiate and place you in situations you want rather than where the wind blows it. And now? Now they can nourish void-self. You can go off on a trip and “disappear” for all intents and purposes. You can go and lie in a field for hours. You can read poetry and do all of the things that do feel authentic to void-self. It never has to pretend to be anything ever again. You can even learn how to really express it to others (something it’d love to do but lacks the ability for). But you can also go to work the next day and feed your organism.

Will void-self be entirely happy with this arrangement? Eh...not really, not when you propose it. You will definitely encounter resistence. But, in my experience, when you actually get there, it comes to peace.