#i think their parents play a big role in this too and should take accountability

[goldennika]

over the years, i’ve been increasingly undecided on whether or not i’d want kids but i think this video pushed me further towards NOT having them

[doverstar]

Is Dungeons and Dragons an evil game?

I don't think so. I think it's like anything else made for entertainment - the heart behind the idea is something consumers should take into account before consuming, and once the heart behind it has been cleared, the entertainment itself can be for good or for harm, it depends on the person using it.

I didn't know anything about D&D until watching Stranger Things (and even that show doesn't really tell you what it is), and then when I met my husband at a summer camp we both worked at, he was super into D&D (picture Eddie Munson with lighter-brown hair, as a good boy Christian, that's my husband - no exaggeration, I have witnesses to back me up).

(My husband is an excellent dungeon master. 6'3 and gangly with huge brown eyes, elfin curly hair down to his shoulders, expressive eyebrows and the ability to do any voice you can think of, totally unafraid to play pretend in front of a bunch of adults. Within a month of meeting him, I was smitten, and Dungeons and Dragons played a big role in that, because I watched him play the game with other young adults and his way of playing made me want to play too.)

My parents, who (I love and respect them) truly know nothing about the game itself, assumed it was demonic and evil and called my adult self to discourage me from trying it out. I told them I'd just see and then decide using my own discernment, and they were cool with that (husband really wanted me to try it out at the time). My man created a campaign that was so basic, for total beginners, it was literally just seven of us sitting at a table with snacks, making up the least-complicated characters imaginable with very simple backstories, and then traveling to different regions together to fight zombies and pirates and save the world at the end. It was a blast. We laughed so hard, we looked forward to it every week, I drank my weight in chocolate milk, and my future husband was hot throughout (sorry not sorry).

Since then, and post-marriage, I've learned a lot more about the game and its origins. It's just a game. It's a nerdy game, and it can be a complicated game, but it's just a game. At its most basic level, Dungeons and Dragons is just you playing pretend while sitting down with a bunch of friends. Some math is involved because the rolling of dice determines how well your character does in whatever action you want them to carry out. It's heavily inspired by Lord of the Rings and other fantasy concepts, it's big on creativity, and with the right people around that table, it can be so much fun. You have to have a healthy dose of imagination and lots of energy and commitment, because you're basically in the middle of a story you and your friends are writing as you go, and stories take time to complete. The person running the game and helping you write the story, the Dungeon Master, can make or break the quality, so pick someone who knows what they're doing and knows their audience!

The game is not evil. It's just a game. That said, you can make it whatever you want, and people can be evil, so there is potential for it to get out of control, even if you're just sitting around a table playing pretend. You can pretend pornography is happening, you can pretend your character is cheating on your spouse's character (while your spouse IRL is sitting right next to you eating Trail Mix) you can get really weird and decide any "magic" in your game's story is real and do…seances or whatever, I guess? I don't know. I've never heard of anyone doing something like that, but people get really into this stuff (people get really into a lot of things, in a lot of ways) and because you and your friends make the rules, there's plenty of room to sin.

Now, yes, some of the many, many generations of people who have contributed to the official merchandise and optional lore of the game do make things that seem demonic or evil, but those things are usually presented as dark and evil within the lore, not as something you should want to use or be or present in a positive light. And again, it's optional. Every literal dragon or magic power the company offers up as ideas for your campaign are just ideas, just to help you think of things, they're not mandatory. Nothing in D&D is. It's you making up a story and using dice-rolling and math to create fun twists and unexpected problems in-game.

It's just like anything. It's a game made for fun, and made to make money, and it succeeds at both, and you can use it the right way or the wrong way. I have a friend who literally made an entire campaign (story) just to invite friends who are lost to play with her so that the story could present the truth to them. Contrarily, I know people can get addicted to it, or abuse it, or make the game their whole life, and that's the wrong way to use it. Just depends.

It's not evil. It's just a game. Thanks for asking!

[monstersinthecosmos]

i'm curious to know why you're not a big fan of modern day armand x marius!

In some ways I can't really explain this because it's like, why do any of us ship anything? It just doesn't really click for me in the way that any other random ship doesn't click for me.

I think there's a version of them that I could buy if someone wrote it out and sold it to me, where they put in a lot of work to heal themselves & each other to a point where they make sense as a couple, but where canon leaves off I just do not see it at all. And that's the beauty of fanworks, like our job as fic writers is to convince the reader that this is plausible.

But when I think of each of them in the modern day, and how strained their relationship is, I just cannot really connect with what they could possibly see in each other or how it could possibly work.

Armand is SUCH a different person than he was in Venice and I feel so strongly about his need for respect and his need for boundaries so that he can be the person he's meant to be. And I'm not sure Marius will EVER see him as an equal, even at their best. Armand needs to be treated like a grown up, you know? I want him with people who respect his feelings fully and who take him seriously and see him as a complete person. (This is him and Louis lol.)

I also think Armand seriously & deeply needs time with people who don't need him to be a caretaker. I think it's natural for him to want to play that role and make a home for everybody and take charge, but I think there's a balance in here somewhere in that he can do things that make him feel good and centered without feeling like he has to. And Marius in the modern day is SO deeply traumatized I don't like Armand being burdened with it. I think it's outside of the scope of what he can deal with, and this was somewhat like their dynamic in Venice, that Marius at times relied on him emotionally in a way that was too much.

I just think everyone needs to put their own oxygen masks on before helping others!

And for Marius, I just think he's like so broken. Like within his lifespan I still think that the Akasha wound is WAY too fresh; UNFORTUNATELY I WILL BE SAYING THIS FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE BECAUSE I'M A MERE MORTAL but it's only been 30 years, right? Vs. the 2000 years he'd cared for her.

Part of Marius healing (to me) is also him dealing with some of his ego issues, because I think he's created this shell for himself as his own way to cope with immortality and the burden of The Parents and all the existential bullshit that entailed. And that kinda means like, being able to treat Armand as an equal (or anyone else) and the practice to get there and the work it takes might need to be done with a peer like Pandora or Mael. And those two particularly I think have seen him at his messiest and ugliest and imo are the only people in the world who actually know him.

He's also harmed Armand SO MUCH that I don't think Armand can be that person, or least I don't think it's fair for Armand to be that person. It kinda reminds me of the Ring Theory with grief/support except there's this like layer of parentification that I'm not sure how to plop into an infographic but

Basically, I imagine Armand being the very center, and Marius directly outside of him because he's the parent, and because he owes Armand the space lol. Marius should be traumadumping OUTWARD away from Armand while he works through his problems. LEAVE ARMAND OUT OF THIS LOL.

I think Marius is like, deeply hurt by things that have happened in the Coven since QOTD (even actually since TVL when Akasha drank from Lestat) and like, I don't get the feeling that he's really dealt with it meaningfully because he tries so hard to be stoic and like logic&reason his way out of feeling his feelings. I don't think he ever really had that reckoning in canon. And like I think him being hurt by Armand is completely genuine, even if he has to be accountable for his own part in it, and that's something they absolutely should talk about. Maybe it's even the conversation that Blood Communion alluded to.

But to me, canon ends at Blood Communion, and I don't see like a single conversation as enough to heal this tremendous schism between them.

I just think they're both so deeply disappointed in each other and it's gonna be like centuries before they can even begin repairing it.

I CAN'T EVEN CONCEPTUALIZE HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE FOR THEM TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE IT'S OKAY. I believe they'll get there, but. I just don't see it and I haven't yet cracked the seal on writing post-canon sci fi taking place 200 years from now.

So anyway people ship things for a million reasons and like sometimes it's as simple as "hot" and sometimes it's "i want them to destroy each other" and sometimes it's domestic fluff and sometimes it's even all these exact points I've made--breaking them to pieces so that they can heal each other--but for me personally it just doesn't really do it for me. All the reasons I listed could be THE reason why someone else ships them in present day!! 😂 I just feel like so emotional and opinionated about what I want Marius to get up to in the modern day and I don't think Armand can help him. At least not in the Kacyverse!!!!! 😂😂

[cosmicjoke]

Okay, so I’ve been thinking about this, and my other problem with Zeke, lol, is this sort of broad, generalized belief that it was Ksaver that gave him the idea for the euthinazia plan. But… it wasn’t. There’s this overall tone when people talk about Ksaver’s influence on Zeke which would lead one to believe that Zeke was sort of indoctrinated in the early stages of his childhood development into this philosophical belief that life is meaningless and to have never been born would be better, and this is the main reason for Zeke’s later attempts to wipe out the Eldian race. But Ksaver didn’t even tell Zeke about what had happened to his family until Zeke was like 18 years old, and he never said anything to him about a plan to euthanize their people, but rather just said that he wished he had never been born. The idea to gain control of the founding Titan and use its power to euthanize the Eldian race came entirely from Zeke. He came up with that plan, not Ksaver. He even asks Ksaver about his ability to control the founding Titan's power through his royal blood, which supposes a sense of entitlement on Zeke's part to wield this power. Something we saw demonstrated in his treatment of Ymir, later on, this idea that she was beholden to him as a member of the royal family. And this tells you a lot about Zeke’s psychology too, and how he views himself. Based off of what Ksaver tells him and his own experiences with his parents, Zeke casts himself into the role of savior. He proclaims himself as the only one who can solve the problems facing their people. He extrapolates from Ksaver’s story that all Eldian’s would be better off having never been born, and appoints himself judge and jury in that regard, to carry out this “solemn duty” of eradicating their race. My problem with all of this is that Zeke lacks empathy. He has no empathy for other people. Other people’s thoughts and feelings never register for him as something he should consider or take into account when making his decisions. He sees everything through the lens of his own experiences and his own feelings and never thinks to consider anything from the other side. So it exposes Zeke’s proclamation that he’s trying to end people’s suffering as false. He doesn’t actually care what anyone else thinks or feels. Again, he can’t empathize with them. He can’t imagine it. Other people’s wishes get brushed aside in Zeke’s pursuit of his own, twisted dream. It then becomes a matter not at all concerned with the suffering of others, but instead a matter concerned only with Zeke’s suffering and his self-image as martyr. This is why I always say Zeke is a narcissist. His desire to “save” his people from suffering is, in fact, just a manifestation of Zeke’s inability to see or feel anything outside of his own self. His life is worthless and meaningless, thus, so is everyone else’.

Some people try to cite Zeke’s experiences in childhood as the reason for his lack of empathy, but on this is call BS. Zeke’s experience with his parents, for example, and having to turn them in to save himself, shouldn’t logically have lead to a lack of empathy in him. A host of other issues, sure, such as self-loathing and immense guilt. But a lack of empathy? I don’t see how. Some people also try to claim that Zeke lacked any sort of caring or loving guardian growing up and that this lead to him having no compassion for others, but again I call BS. Zeke had his grandparents and he had Mr. Ksaver, all of whom genuinely cared for him. Zeke realizes, in the end, only after Armin has to spell it out for him in big block letters, that he DID actually experience love and happiness in his youth. That he was cared for and valued and mattered to others. Zeke wasn’t able to come to this realization on his own because he himself is incapable of giving or receiving love. His lack of empathy makes him incapable. We see this incapability play out in his relationships with the other warriors, for example. In his lack of connection with them, even as they connect with him and consider him a real friend and mentor. In his disregard for and easy betrayal of them. And again, while Zeke’s childhood experiences no doubt caused him a host of issues, developing a lack of empathy or compassion for others shouldn’t have been one of them. I rather believe that this sociopathic tendency was innate to Zeke, and his experiences weren’t the root cause of it, but rather the trigger which brought those tendencies out.

Zeke is like a classic narcissistic personality. He wants to make and thinks everything IS about him. He’s manipulative and molds in his mind every circumstance and situation, and even other people, to fit around him, around his image of himself as a savior, and his views and beliefs about life in general. This is one of the reasons why I don’t believe Zeke’s claims about his motivation being a desire to end people’s suffering (even as Zeke may himself believe it. But then, there's very little to no self-evaluation going on with Zeke, leading to self-delusion). You have to actually be able to relate to and understand other people to want to help them. You have to be able to sympathize and empathize with them to feel compassion for them. But, again, Zeke doesn’t feel empathy for anyone but himself. I think every action Zeke takes is, in the end, motivated by self-interest. He wants to see himself as a savior and a martyr, and so he tries to forcefully fit everyone else into his plan to make himself into one by dismissing their own desires and needs as inconsequential, and by taking away their right to choose and, ultimately, to live, all, supposedly, in the service of "saving them". That, in the end, doesn't amount to fighting for the rights of others. It amounts to the opposite. It amounts to oppression and self-aggrandizement.

[oakwolves]

What's an au you'll never write but still think about alot?

Gilded allegro frozen AU. essentially Ryan is older and assumes Anna’s role while Grace is younger but assumes Elsa’s role in the story. I would say Ryan carries Anna's personality more and Grace does with Elsa's tbh. I havent seen frozen since I was like 12 and I don't really see myself writing a fic about it. I did draw something related to it though (please ignore that I fucked up with the ages)

I actually wrote a long thread about it on my priv twitter that I'm gonna transcribe under the cut. I tweaked a few things about the story lol

I think little Grace didn't quite know how to make awesome snowballs and snowman yet, she just watch Ryan do them and try to copy him. She ends up making a tiny... kind of bell shaped... snow creature with two little rocks for eyes and no other appendages.

Grace looked a little disappointed that her snow-thing didn't look as cool as Ryan's but Ryan's like nooo it’s ok look! We can call it Kez... the snow...bell. And that seems to satisfy Grace for a while.

so everything more or less happens the same in canon (I guess you could assume Grace was adopted into the family?) Either way, Ryan (8) convinces Grace (7) to sneak out into the playroom late at night so they could fool around with Grace's snow powers. And Grace is just so delighted to spend time with her big brother and all, but Ryan gets a little too reckless and nearly slips and falls to his death. Grace narrowly manages to cushion his fall... but not before accidentally striking him in the head with the magic.

Things continue to progress as normal, Grace and Ryan's parents take them to those magical rock trolls to undo the effects of Graces magic and warn them that Ryan should never find out about her powers to keep this from ever happening again.

(to account for Ryan's other siblings, they were sworn to secrecy). So Ryan and Grace more or less grow up isolated within the castle. As far as Ryan knows, they had an accident playing in the snow outside, and now Grace doesn't seem to want to play with him anymore.

And the poor guy blames himself for scaring his sister and he wants to do anything to make it up to her. But poor Gracie, sworn to secrecy, just continues to push him away. And as much as that hurt Ryan, that never stopped him from trying throughout the years

Growing up, Ryan took up things like sword fighting and playing whatever the 19th century version of a guitar is to occupy himself (and also prepare to succeed the throne one day). He became really skilled in swordfighting over the years but his true passion lie in his guitar. It was his source of comfort where he felt painfully isolated.

At some point Grace + Ryan's family went to visit distant relatives overseas. Grace stayed home because she was sick, and Ryan insisted on staying home because he didn't want her to be alone. Of course, like in canon, tragedy strikes, and their family unfortunately perished in a storm, and the two grieved alone.

Eventually came the time for Ryan (now 21) to take the throne as king. Of course, he's estatic because he gets to see other people for the first time in YEARS. Meanwhile poor Grace (now 20) is just TERRIFIED because she's worried about exposing her powers to the public or even worse. To Ryan. But she figures as long as she keeps her gloves on, she'll be fine, and once the coronation ends she'll retreat back to her room

And then you've got Ryan practically skipping, jumping, and dancing all over the palace excited for his coronation... then he bumps into someone at the docks.

She's a beautiful young woman with flowing blonde hair and hazel eyes. Her name is Camila, the only daughter in a long line of sons. Ryan's absolutely enthralled by her. He even asks her to marry him, which she...surprisingly accepts!

The coronation happens as expected and Ryan is declared king and all... then he decides to announce his engagement to Camila! The audience is initially surprised but happy about this announcement... except for Grace. When Ryan is allowed to go into the crowd, he finds Camila. Grace intercepts the two, asking Ryan what the hell is going on, why has he decided to marry (and subsequently make queen) a woman he just met?? The two begin to argue, causing a commotion in the room.

Ryan insists that as King he can marry anyone he wants, not that Grace would even care, shutting her own brother out all these years despite his efforts to get through to her!! This upsets Ryan to the point of leaving the ball in the middle of the party. Camila tries to go after him, and Grace confronts him. In her desperation, grabs on to his arm. When Ryan pulls away from her, the action sets Grace off enough to accidentally expose her powers to Ryan and the other guests.

Terrified, she flees the area before anyone can apprehend her.

Aaaaand that's as far as I got in the AU

[feministfocus]

A Teen's Transgender Awakening

an interview by Madison Zhan

Can you give a brief introduction of yourself?

My name is Olivia, and I live in Los Angeles. I am bi-racial and will be eighteen in five days. I go by the pronouns she/her.

When did you first realize you were transgender and what transpired after that?

I’ve never been a girly girl and I’m still not girly. I’m pretty tomboyish if anything. I’ve never worn a dress. But each time I looked in the mirror, I felt something was wrong. I thought maybe I was overweight. So I got skinny and I looked in the mirror again and still said, “No.”

One day I saw a picture of a pretty lady and thought, “Wow! I want to look like that!” A switch flipped for me. I just opened a can of worms! I immediately got on the internet and I started researching what this meant. And it said that I might be transgender.

A lot of people mentioned using support groups, but I decided to research this topic on my own.

I created an online account where I said I was a girl and messaged people to see what that was like. My experience was, “WOW, this feels a lot more comfortable!” I spent my entire summer after eighth grade having people refer to me as she/her and Olivia, and I LOVED it!

Did you tell your parents? How did they react?

It took me some time to gather the courage to tell my parents. I did it by text. To my relief, my mom was quite accepting. The first thing she asked was, “Do you have a name you want to go by?”

I said, “Olivia.” There is no backstory to this name, I just think it sounds pretty.

Mom then took me to see a gender specialist at UCLA. I was placed on puberty blockers. This stops the growth of facial and body hair, the deepening of the voice, and the broadening of the shoulders. Puberty blockers just put things on pause and nothing more. You resume puberty if you stop taking them.

Did you reveal your identity change at school?

Once high school started in the fall, I thought revealing my gender change wouldn’t be a big deal. But everyone at school continued calling me “he” and “Robbie,” my dead name. It was such a bummer. It made me feel bad like I had a pit in my chest.

Were your own friends supportive?

They were either understanding or they had no idea what the duck I meant. One of them thought I set my name to she/her on Instagram for role-play, like putting on a persona on the internet or something. And they were like, “Yo, I got a custom character too!”

I responded, “No, dude. I wish I was a girl and I’m gonna try to become that. I’d appreciate it if you could refer to me as such.”

One kid thought I was female-to-male. I didn’t know if I should take that as a compliment.

Another said, “I’m gonna call you by your old name because it’s more comfortable for me.”

The majority pretended I never came out and continued calling me by my dead name.

What did you do then?

At my next visit to the gender specialist, I was asked how certain things made me feel, my emotions, how I saw myself, and how I perceived myself. I just let it all out. I was pretty firm on changing my gender. That’s when I was prescribed estrogen. I took my first dose in Ralphs Parking Garage in West Los Angeles. It felt like a first step. I was overjoyed! Now I can begin becoming who I wanna be— changing the entire trajectory of my life. It’s a big change to make.

Can you share a moment of personal triumph or growth in your journey?

My favorite moment was when I looked in the mirror and actually liked what I saw! I used to avoid mirrors like the plague. I was not comfortable with myself. I wanted to change everything about myself. I’d look at my face and think, “This is wrong.” But now I look in the mirror and I’m like, “Wow, I look pretty good!” I’m happy with myself. And that’s something that no one can take away from me.

This was also the same moment I didn’t feel the need to do voice training anymore. I don’t speak in the most feminine voice. I speak in the voice that’s comfortable for me and the gender I identify with. And that’s something special, feeling confident in my own skin. No matter what I sound like, no matter what I look like, I know I can be myself. That’s a moment of triumph for me.

What is voice training?

Estrogen doesn’t change your voice. You will still sound like a guy on estrogen until you practice making your voice sound feminine.

If you’re female-to-male, testosterone will deepen your voice. You don’t need to do voice training. But if you’re male-to-female, voice training is how you make your voice sound like a girl’s.

My voice ranges in the middle between a feminine voice and what my voice previously sounded like. I used to have a deep, deep voice. It was also very monotone with no pitch variation. But now I talk like this and I’m happy about it. I’m expressive with how I feel.

Are there any misconceptions or stereotypes about transgender people that you’d like to address?

A ton of them! The biggest misconception is that we’re different from anyone else. The whole point of being trans is being comfortable with myself. It doesn’t influence my interests. It doesn’t influence anything about who I am as a person. It has nothing to do with my parents. It has nothing to do with the school I was in. It has nothing to do with my friends. It only has to do with me. And it was my own personal journey. To find out who I wanted to be.

What are some practical steps or strategies you recommend for someone on this journey of self-acceptance to express themselves authentically?

Self-acceptance is a process that takes time and patience. You may not feel fully confident in your identity right now, but you can achieve that in the future. Whether it takes a month, a year, or three years of being on estrogen, you will eventually reach a point where you are comfortable with yourself. Don’t let the pressure of passing affect your self-esteem. Many other trans people have gone through similar struggles and have learned to embrace their true selves. Passing is not the ultimate goal, but rather expressing yourself authentically. You will find comfort within yourself when you focus on what makes you happy.

What does “passing” mean?

Passing is a term that refers to the ability of a transgender person to be recognized as their affirmed gender, rather than their sex assigned at birth. Some transgender people may feel pressured to pass as a way of avoiding discrimination, harassment, or violence. However, passing is not a requirement for being transgender, nor does it determine one’s validity or worth. Gender identity is a personal and complex phenomenon that goes beyond conforming to binary stereotypes. Transgender people have the right to express their gender in any way that makes them feel comfortable and authentic, regardless of whether they pass or not. Passing is not a measure of one’s success or happiness as a transgender person.

Are there any transgender rights that you’re passionate about?

For those in a similar space as I am, know your rights at school! These are:

Right to the same opportunities to participate and learn like everyone else regardless of gender, gender identity, race, nationality, or disability

Right to dress and present yourself according to your gender identity

Right to privacy. You get to choose who you tell and don’t tell and no one else gets to—that’s your story

Right to start a gay-affirming club or gay-straight alliance

Right to use the restroom and locker room that matches yourgender identity

What if people in charge at school don’t follow these rights?

Of course, knowing these rights exist does not mean people in charge at school or school districts follow these rights, so know what recourse is available:

Title 9

The U.S. Constitution

Filing a complaint against the Office of Civil Rights throughDOE—this is a very powerful tool to get things moving for 504 coordinatorsWhere else can trans youth find help at school?Find adult allies in the school building, starting with your guidance counselor. Guidance counselors at school can create safe spaces, be visible, and place signs or stickers on their doors to communicate to kids that they are available to talk at any time.Guidance counselors can also help trans youth create a club like a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). If GSA doesn’t work for whatever reason, get creative with the clubs such as making it a knitting club, crochet club, or some other noncompetitive nonacademic group. The whole point of the club is to offer a safe space for transgender youth to talk and share coping mechanisms, so they can learn how to fight for each other and how to find happiness when stuff sucks.What else can schools do to help transgender youth?Transgender youth typically grow up with a name they do not feel suits them. Their parents probably gave them a name associated with the opposite gender. So many transgender youth want to be called by a different name. Schools can help with this name change. It helps to know that you can change your name on non-legal documents like the graduation program, student ID, yearbook, graduation ceremony, award ceremonies, attendance roster for substitute teachers, etc. Only legal documents need a legal name such as your transcript and diploma. So start with places that don’t require your legal name.

You are in school to learn and feel safe. It is hard to focus when the teacher calls you the wrong pronoun or won’t use your preferred name and instead uses your dead name.

What else can schools do to help trans youth?

I would say designating gender-neutral bathrooms is important! And knowing grounding techniques that can help manage emotions. These can include:

Cold water: placing your hands in a bucket of cold water to take your mind off of things

Exercise to get your heart rate up and pull you out of emotional distress

Breathing techniques

Taking a walk outsideCan you explain a few basic words in the trans world?Sure! Here are some common vocabulary words used:

Dead name = name given at birth

Misgendering = using the wrong pronoun

Cisgender = gender identity corresponds to birth gender

Transgender = gender identity does not correspond to birthgender

Gender identity = a person’s innate sense of their gender

Sexual orientation = homosexual or straight, asexual, who youare attracted to

Passing = when someone is perceived as a gender they identifyas or are attempting to be seen as, rather than their biological sex

Do you have any advice for those who are in the process of trying to understand their gender identity?

Gender identity is a personal journey that does not have a fixed deadline. You can explore your feelings and thoughts at your own speed. It is not important how long it takes until you feel confident. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself about what makes you happy.

Ignoring your emotions will only make you unhappy. You should follow the pace that feels right to you. And remember, you have options and opportunities if you find out you are transgender.

You can still pursue your dreams and goals with the support of those who love you. If you are unsure or curious about your gender identity, you might want to consult a professional who specializes in this field. You can also confide in some trusted friends or family members who will respect and support you. This way, you can discover if being transgender is right for you.

[mdhwrites]

While I don't think Sasha and Marcy's parents are abusive, don't you think Amphibia creates a double standard between them and Andrias?

We're not shown Sasha or Marcy's parents or the way they influenced their children, because 'we don't want to excuse Sasha and Marcy's actions.' But why then do we have a whole episode showcasing that a big reason Andrias became the person he is in the present was because of his father's influence?

Sasha and Marcy both made huge mistakes and should take responsibility for them, sure. But why does Amphibia go out of its way to make more of an effort to explain why the villain is the way he is and not the girls who committed far less heinous crimes than Andrias?

I mean, Andrias having an abusive father doesn't excuse his actions. He still takes accountability and accepts a fitting punishment at the story's end. So why not extend that treatment to Sasha and Marcy, showing that their parents, while not abusive, did play a role in shaping their daughters' characters? And at the same time, acknowledging that their flawed parenting does not absolve Sasha and Marcy of responsibility for their choices?

What are we supposed to take from this? That adults are allowed to acknowledge the role their families played in making them who they are, but two thirteen-year-olds (literal children) are supposed to think their families have zero responsibility for ensuring they don't turn out bad? That doesn't sound fair. If even someone who did as much evil as Andrias gets the chance to show how his family influenced him, Sasha and Marcy deserved that, too.

I am not answering this. I am not dignifying it with a response. I literally only am because I want to say that this is after writing two entire blogs, long blogs, trying to answer it. The first was an excuse to talk about how amazing the episode The Core and The King is and how you clearly don't actually give a fuck about it because you missed SO MUCH of the point of that fucking episode.

The other side was channeling that anger, that anger that sees you're trying to make sure I actually engage with this by bringing up my past points but then throwing ALL OF THEM out the window to ask that the ONE episode spent on the main antagonists' backstory, motivation, etc. be thrown out just because the characters you actually care about don't get even a cameo from their parents. That version is at least close to the angriest blog I have ever made. EVER. I actively dislike Sasha and Marcy because of this ask. I don't know when I'll answer another serious question about their parents because I'm going to be thinking about this ask, and this side of the fandom that cuts away SO MUCH of the show they supposedly love because all they care about are THESE. TWO. I don't like being that level of angry though and that level of spite doesn't help anyone.

I will just leave with the point of that second blog. It's opening and closing statement that I still believe in:

Your anger about not seeing Sasha and Marcy's parents will literally never be justified.

Have a good night everyone and see you next tale.

[tavarillasgalen]

I forever think long and hard about things that didn’t work out, because i never want to be the person who can’t take accountability and who blames everyone else for things going wrong. and by figuring out what went wrong, you can hopefully avoid something similar in the future

And of course, some of the blame is mine. But it’s not all my fault. 

like acting. 

this was my DREAM. i didn’t want to go to university, i just wanted to act, but my parents made me go. i went to an acting intensive and fell even more in love. in the things i acted in, i always got leads. i was able to get commercials and workout videos on my own. then an agency signed me right after i was wrapping up uni! i thought for sure, this is it, this is the start of it all.

but, uh.

don’t let people pressure you into signing a contract on the spot, kids. especially not if said contract is for 3 entire YEARS. i felt shakey and iffy about signing it right then and there before i got the chance to think about it, even though i was thrilled that they wanted me. and all the next few days, while i should have been excited, i just mostly felt uneasy.

and i had every right to be.

they were primarily a modeling agency, but they did acting too. i’m not a model, i’m 5′3″ with short legs and big hips and thighs. i have no idea what is and isn’t standard in the modeling world. 

they gave me a list of rules, and one of the rules was that you can’t eat before a shoot. even if it’s later in the day, you have to wait until it’s over to eat, so that your stomach will be as flat as possible. which, uh....

and you went into it in debt. because you have website fees for them putting you on their site, and you don’t actually start earning money until those are paid off. and they warned that sometimes, it can take 9 months to get paid for a job.

then they started sending me castings and auditions, but... all the castings and auditions they sent were... ones that you would just find on normal actor facebook groups or in your email. the only ones that weren’t like that were for religious movies. and i told them, i don’t want to do religious movies, i’m not comfortable with that. and they said ok. and then continued to send me them. 

they would send all these extras notifications, and i told them i didn’t want to be an extra, i wanted a role. and they said extras are most of what they had.

when i saw roles that i wanted to audition for, i’d send them emails, and they would say they didn’t have the connections to make them happen. when i went to the auditions they sent me, i never got cast. the casting director talked to me once, and he was like, why does your agency keep sending you out for roles in their 30s? you can’t play 30s, you look way too young. tell them to send you out for high school and 20s.

and i did.

and nothing changed.

all the emails i got were castings and auditions that were public already, except the religious ones, which they continued to send me even after i repeatedly told them not to. they constantly wanted me to submit for roles older than casting directors thought i could play, because the characters were 10+ years older than me. 

then, they’d send all these “deals”, where for *only* hundreds of dollars, you could get a photoshoot with this photographer. for *only* hundreds of dollars, you could take a class.

and even if you booked something by yourself, without them involved at all, you still owed them 20% of your pay.

and that’s what the three years with them was like. I wanted to end it and leave, but they ended up terminating my contract early, which pissed me off, that they could do that, but according to the contract, i’d have to go to court if i wanted to do that myself. but i had wanted to leave so badly, i didn’t care too much. i ended up owing them hundreds in website fees, which they demanded asap. i took it out of my savings to get free. plus, i had just turned 25. And they didn’t take female talent older than 24 (but men could be up to their 40s......)

and it was just such a soul crushing experience.

it was partially on me - i shouldn't have let them pressure me into signing 3 years of my life away on the spot. i learned an invaluable lesson about that through this.

but also... the way they behaved, the things they did, that wasn’t my fault. 

i can’t help but wonder that if i’d listened to my gut, would i still be enamoured with acting? because in the year or so that i’ve been free, i haven’t even wanted to do it for fun. i haven’t wanted to do it at all. i just don’t want it anymore.

but maybe that’s the point. they say with acting, you have to want it more than anyone else around you. and i thought i did. i was convinced i did. but after 3 years with that agency, i don’t want it at all. 

maybe if they’d listened, maybe if they’d actually been a legit acting agency, maybe that wouldn’t have been the case. but their focus was models, not actors. and so that’s what it was. 

and then now that i’m free, i’m like... i get mad at myself for not taking university more seriously, for not going for internships and all this, for just going through the motions. but at the time, all i wanted was to act. i did do an internship, i did work, i did pick a degree and all this. but i was also brutally depressed - i tried to kill myself 3 times during my university years. 

but you know. i’m better now. i finally took the 1 class i needed to graduate last year, so i officially have my degree now. i’ve been at my professional job for almost 2 years now, and it’s a field i enjoy. my brain is very all or nothing, so when i’m depressed, it immediately jumps to suicide as the solution, even if i don’t want to do that. it is hard not to beat myself up for the years “wasted”. but i was stuck in a contract, and i couldn’t break it. and then i was stuck in a relationship i knew needed to end, but didn’t have the courage to end it. 

and i don’t know. i feel stupid, like a failure. it is hard to remember to be kind to my past self. my past self was trying her damned hardest. she was pursuing her dreams. she thought she could make the relationship work. somehow, she lived, over and over, she lived. somehow, she got hit by a car and walked away with nothing but a couple of bruises. 

but i applied for this job, which i thought there was no way in hell i was going to get, only for my boss to tell me i was one of his top candidates. only to find that, yeah, i’m damn good at it. 

but i just....

i feel like such a failure, such a disappointment. next month, i’ll be 27, and i feel like that one jane austin quote, 27 with no money, no prospects. i feel so far behind everyone else my age, even though i know there are legit reasons for where i am - mental illness, relationship, failed dreams, etc. 

and idk.

it hit hard when i was still with the agency, when my grandfather died. i thought, he’s never going to see me make something of myself. i’ll always be the failure, the disappointment. it hit hard when my dad got extremely ill that year, and i thought he was going to die too.

it’s hitting hard again now, because my dad is having his 4th heart surgery next month. i feel like such a burden, and i feel like if he didn’t have to worry about me, he would have a better chance and his health would be better. maybe that is stupid, i don’t know. but i can’t help but feel partially responsible. 

i want to be able to make something of myself, to make him proud. i feel like i’ve been such a burden and such a disappointment for so long, even though i fight so damn hard not to be. i know he’ll die eventually - parents usually die before their children. but i dont want him to have to worry about me when that time comes. i dont want to feel ashamed of what my life has been, for that to be all he’s known of me. 

and maybe it’s stupid, i don’t know, but i feel like i should go back to my ex and tell him we should get married, because if i’m married, my dad won’t have to worry about what happens to me and he’ll feel like i’ve accomplished something.

i don’t want to be known for my failures. i don’t want to be known as a disappointment. 

but even when i try and try and try again, i fail.

i did something right, with this job. i wrote several books, although they weren’t “right for the market”. i finally got my degree. i got my art into galleries.

but...

that’s it.

i don’t even make enough to move out, though i want to. but then, the idea of moving out scares me, because when i don’t have family around, then i do get deeply suicidal. i’m not sure i would be able to survive living on my own. and i’m also just so scared for my dad. like, if he dies in that surgery or any time soon, i think i will be glad that i lived at home and got to spend so much time around him.

i don’t know. i just want to do something right. i want to be successful, at something. i want to be financially stable. i just want people to be proud of me.

[totowlff]

chapter thirty-three — take my breath

➝ is there a better birthday present than love?

➝ word count: 5,6k

➝ warnings: smut

➝ author’s notes: it took longer than it should have, but i think there's nothing more appropriate than posting the chapter about liesl's birthday on her birthday. enjoy!

FEBRUARY, 2017

Sitting in the Mercedes C-Class parked in the driveway, Elisabeth was silent, her head resting on the steering wheel. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and did her best to hold back the tears that felt inevitable. 

That day had been shit.

Pre-season had been a real headache. Preparations for the launch of the W08, the car of that season, were in full swing, she hadn't had a day off. To top it all off, the hasty negotiations with Valtteri to take over for Nico, who had decided to retire suddenly, without even letting Toto or Niki know, had taken up her limited time and patience, as Williams were not feeling overly charitable with Mercedes trying to recruit one of their contracted drivers.

They only managed to confirm the Finn just over a month before pre-season testing began. It took a few hours of talking with Sir Frank Williams and his daughter, Claire, for the team to release Valtteri. Elisabeth was sure that the affection they had for Toto, from when he was still an investor in the team, played a big role in the success of the negotiation.

However, solving that problem only brought on more. With a new set of regulations or that year, less than a fifth of the car was the same as the previous year. This meant hours of reviewing accounting, vendor budgets, employee rosters, and wind tunnel hours. By the end of each day, Elisabeth felt completely drained, with only enough strength to crawl into bed and sleep.

That Saturday was no different.

Elisabeth had woken up early, gotten ready, had a cup of espresso, and gone to the factory. As much as she wanted Toto's company, she didn't want to wake him. He was working just as much as she was — probably more. Rare were the nights when he didn't spend a few more hours at his home office, or even at the factory, holding meetings with sponsors. That had been the case from the night before. He’d been up late, talking with Petronas' Malaysia-based technical directors about the new fluids being developed for that year.

She had a busy morning, occupied almost entirely with a meeting to present the logistical plan designed for the season. During the afternoon, Elisabeth spoke with the marketing team about the strategies for the W08 launch. She’d also given a factory tour to Mark McLaughlin, one of Qualcomm's directors. After saying goodbye to the American and returning to her office, Elisabeth found a plate with a small chocolate cupcake, as well as a card that read “Happy Birthday, Elisabeth”, along with a picture of her holding one of the giant silver stars that the team used in celebrations.

It was her birthday.

She’d forgotten her own birthday.

— Fuck — she muttered, lifting her head from the steering wheel. Thinking about the messages she’d gotten earlier and ignored - from her parents, Lukas, and Claire, Elisabeth felt her heart tighten inside her chest. She always spent her birthday with her family in Vienna, having dinner at an Italian restaurant, reminiscing about their time in Modena. But that year, she had been too busy to even think about celebrating one more trip around the sun.

She picked up her cell phone that was lying on top of the passenger seat next to her purse, she stared at the lock screen. It was a picture of Toto, Ben, and Rosi, smiling for the camera as they posed in front of Ben’s birthday cake. Staring into Toto’s face, Elisabeth couldn't help but feel a twinge in her chest. Despite numerous congratulatory messages, there was nothing from him. The only time they had spoken that day, on the phone, was during lunch, when he told her that he would not be going to the factory in the afternoon.

“Did he forget it too?”, she wondered, uncertain. Of all of Toto’s strengths, memory was not one of them, after all. He tended to forget simple things, like dinners and meetings. She was always the one to remind him of those things. Him forgetting her birthday would not be out of the norm, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

In fact, knowing that her birthday was just another day on Toto's calendar made her heart ache even more.

Resigned, Elisabeth took the bag that was on the seat next to her and got out of the car, walking slowly towards the entrance hall, distracted by the notification that had just arrived on her phone. Typing a quick response to a question from Alison, from the Human Resources team, she walked into the living room, pausing to download an attachment from the message.

Until she heard someone clear their throat.

Lifting her head, Elisabeth found Toto standing there, holding a bouquet of lilies and white roses, an anxious smile on her lips. Her eyes flickering between the flowers and his face, she was visibly confused.

— What is this?

He looked at the bouquet, then at her.

— They're flowers, Liesl.

— Why?

Toto blinked.

— Today is your birthday. Or… did I get the date wrong?

Elisabeth gave a shy little smile.

— No, it's today.

— Oh, good — he smiled, approaching her — So, today is your birthday. And a special day like this deserves celebration.

Toto handed the flowers to her, and she felt her eyes fill with tears as she looked at them, noticing that there was a card placed between the roses and the lilies.

— Do you want to see the card? 

— Yes — she whispered.

Removing the envelope nestled in the middle of the bouquet, Toto opened it and withdrew a small note, written in his elegant handwriting.

— Read it to me — he asked.

Elisabeth cleared her throat to read. 

— “You know I don't like birthdays. I believe you deserve to be celebrated everyday. But if there's ever an ideal time to show you how much I appreciate you, it's today. Happy birthday, Liesl. I love you. From... your Toto”.

His name came out as a whisper from her lips, which were trembling, tears streaming down her cheeks. Elisabeth often felt unworthy of Toto's love. She saw herself as a difficult person with a lot of complexities. Sometimes, she even felt like she was broken in some way. However, that side of her had never scared him. After all, as Toto himself said, he was also broken, in a way. Even with that negative assessment, Elisabeth had been the one to fix him. He was determined to be the one to fix her, too.

Kissing her forehead, Toto smiled.

— You like it?

— I love it, honey — she replied, wrapping her free arm in a tight hug, her face buried in his chest. Inhaling his scent, Elisabeth felt her body relax. She was home.

A few seconds later, Toto lightly squeezed her waist, as a signal for her to lift her head.

— It's not just that, Liesl.

— What do you mean?

— I prepared the bathtub for you to take a relaxing bath. I put those bath salts you like in the water, the lemongrass-scented ones. Well, that's what I think you like, since every time I get in the tub with you, your skin smells like lemongrass.

Elisabeth smiled.

— Yes, it's lemongrass. But, you know you didn't have to do all of this, right?

— I didn't have to, but I wanted to. Especially after a busy day like today. As soon as you’re done with your bath, we're going to eat the pizzas I ordered from Gino's.

Her eyes sparkled. She loved the pizza from Gino's, a small restaurant in the center of Oxford. They were the closest thing to what she ate as a kid in Modena.

— Americana and Margherita? — Elisabeth asked, feeling her stomach rumble just thinking about the slices full of cheese and spicy salami.

— Of course, as usual. Now go upstairs and relax. I'll call you when they arrive, okay?

She nodded, before receiving a peck and having the flowers removed from her hands., Elisabeth went upstairs to the second floor, going quietly to their room. As she entered the bathroom, she smelled a distinct scent of vanilla in the air. It was soft and sweet, almost cozy. When she got to the bathroom, she discovered the source of the smell — a scented candle that was lit on top of the counter. Staring at the flame for a few seconds, Elisabeth smiled.

“He thought of everything”, she thought, as she undressed and tied up her hair so it wouldn't get wet.

As soon as she sat in the bathtub, with its warm, lemongrass-scented water, Elisabeth felt her body relax. The bathroom was silent, almost as if it were enveloped in a bubble of serenity and peace. It had been a long time since the last time she had felt like this.

Elisabeth's life after joining the Mercedes operation had become complete chaos. Her time was filled with trips, races and engagements. It was a hard, inconsistent and particularly tiring routine, which not only affected her, but also her relationships with friends and family.

But it was during moments like this that she was grateful to have Toto to share the madness with. He was more than just a boyfriend or sexual partner, he was her best friend. The two of them understood, supported, and cared for each other. Each was the other's home, as Toto liked to say. She was sure of it every time she laid down in bed with him, snuggled in his arms, sleeping to the quiet beat of his heart.

With her eyes still closed, Elisabeth heard footsteps coming from the bedroom to the bathroom. She had no idea how long she had been there, but she could stay there for the rest of her life, that bathtub was so good.

— Liesl?

She opened her eyes and looked to the side to find Toto standing beside her, a smile on his lips.

— Yes?

— Is everything okay?

— Yeah, everything is great.

He crouched down beside her, leaning on the edge of the tub.

— Is your bath okay? Would you like anything? 

— I'd love for you to come in with me — she whispered, a small smile on her face. Toto returned the smile, bringing a hand to her cheek and stroking the damp skin.

— I'd like that too, baby, but that would mean letting the pizza get cold downstairs, and if I know you, you wouldn't eat it cold.

— Oh, is dinner here?

— Yes, it’s downstairs, waiting for us. Are you coming?

— Of course — she replied, leaning on the edge of the tub to lift herself out of the water. As soon as Elisabeth stepped onto the rug, Toto handed her a towel to dry off, before leaving the bathroom and asking her what she wanted to wear. A few minutes later, the two of them went downstairs together, hand in hand, with her wearing one of his old T-shirts and baggy pajama pants, towards the kitchen, where the table was meticulously prepared, with the flowers Toto had given her decorating the environment.

Between laughs, sips of wine and stories of other disastrous birthday parties, the two ate a few slices of pizza apiece. However, Elisabeth couldn't help noticing that Toto looked a little uneasy, especially when the two of them were silent. “He's hiding something”, she thought, as he got up to take the dishes to the sink.

With everything organized and the two of them in the living room drinking what was left of the wine in the bottle, she stared at Toto for a few seconds.

— Are you okay, my love?

— Yes, I’m perfect. Why the question?

— You seem… Uneasy. Like you’re anxious.

He looked at her for a few seconds before smiling.

— I'm thinking about your present.

Elisabeth pressed her lips together, serious.

— My present? Toto, you know that…

— I don't need to give you anything, I know — he cut her off — But I want to, Liesl.

— Torger — she muttered seriously.

— Come with me, baby — Toto whispered, getting up from the sofa and placing his glass of wine on the coffee table. Placing her own glass next to his, Elisabeth felt his hand wrap around hers, leading her through the house.

  She just didn't know what to expect from Toto, especially on an occasion when she knew it was no use telling him he didn't need to give her a gift. The team principal always made a point of spoiling her with something of exorbitant value, but that would barely tickle his bank account.

“You deserve the whole world, Liesl”, he always told her, as soon as she asserted that she didn't deserve to be spoiled like that. And Elisabeth knew that Toto would be able to deliver it into her hand if she wanted to. All she had to do was ask.

He led her up the stairs to their bedroom, holding her fingers gently. With her heart racing, she felt the anxiety rising within her. The two entered the suite in silence, hand in hand. Leading her towards the bed, he looked down at her with a smirk.

— Baby, can you sit on the bed for me?

She let go of Toto's hand and walked over to the mattress, settling down on it. However, instead of approaching her, he went to the mirrored closet doors and slid them open, entering the cubicle. In the silence of the room, Elisabeth felt her pulse roaring louder and louder in her ears, tension building in her muscles.

“What the hell is he up to?”, she wondered.

A few moments later, he emerged again with a small white bag in his hand. Slowly approaching her, Toto reached out, handing the package to her. As she looked at it more closely, she noticed that there was a letter ‘F’ printed on the surface, as well as the words ‘Fleur du Mal’. “What kind of store is that?”, Elisabeth wondered, staring at the bag in silence.

— What is it? — she asked, looking up at him.

— Open it — Toto just said.

Tearing off the seal, Elisabeth opened the bag and reached inside, pulling out a long piece of black satin, with something embroidered on it. Running her thumb over the fabric, she looked up.

— A piece of cloth?

Toto smiled.

— Not just any piece of cloth.

— No?

— It's a blindfold.

Elisabeth felt a lurch in her stomach.

— When I was looking for your gift, I happened to come across an article that I thought was interesting…

— An article?

— Yeah. About female pleasure.

She raised an eyebrow, feeling her heart beat harder in her chest.

— Female pleasure — Elisabeth repeated.

— Yes — he continued, taking the blindfold from her hands — I've read that many men don't know when a woman has an orgasm. That they don't know exactly what their partners like in bed. In general, there’s a… gap.

— But you’ve made me come before… so many times  — she replied softly, trying not to blush. 

A smug smile appeared on his face.

— Yes. And I know exactly when you're having an orgasm, so I don't think I'm part of that statistic. But, reading that article, I felt like… I could learn more.

She blinked.

— So I started researching more about how to improve, how to make our intimacy even more — he paused, winding the silken sash around his hand — pleasurable.

— Why? — Elisabeth asked quietly.

He smiled.

— Because your pleasure gives me pleasure, Liesl. In fact, making you come is more pleasurable to me than anything else. Watching you orgasm and knowing I'm the one who made you feel that way is… Wonderful. Hearing the sounds you make, feeling your muscles tense under my hands, the taste of your come… That turns me on more than anything. And I wanted to make it even better for you. And I found that one way to do that is by using… different things.

— You mean… toys? — she asked directly.

— Not necessarily — Toto replied, removing the cloth that had wrapped around his hand — There are many possibilities we can explore aside from that. Although, the idea of watching you squirm in pleasure while I use one on you seems tempting.

Heat rose in Elisabeth's cheeks.

— The point is, your birthday present isn't a thing, or an object. It's an experience. Something good, relaxing — he approached, bringing one of his hands to her cheek — In fact, you're already living that experience. I prepared the environment, bought the flowers, organized dinner and the bath, everything for you to feel like you deserve.

— Like I deserve...

— Good. Relaxed. Happy — he replied in a low voice, his thumb brushing her skin, his eyes locked with hers. She felt like she was being hypnotized — Now I want to make you feel even better. But, I need you to want it.

— Want…

— Do you want it, Elisabeth?

— Want what? — she asked, as if she had just woken up from a trance. Toto leaned in front of her, resting his hands on the mattress beside her thighs. He wasn't even touching her, but it felt like his fingers were burning her skin, the tingling in her belly almost unbearable.

— Do you want your gift?

— My gift?

— Do you want to have the most pleasurable night of your life, Elisabeth?

She swallowed hard.

The offer was tempting.

With the words stuck in her throat, Elisabeth just nodded her head. A shadow of a smile appeared on Toto's face.

— Words, baby. I want to hear from you.

— Yes — she whispered — I do.

A smile crept onto his face as his brown eyes seemed to darken further. Taking one of her hands, Toto lifted his torso and, pulling gently, he got Elisabeth back to her feet, not without difficulty, as her legs felt like they were made of jelly. When she managed to regain her balance, she looked at him, who was watching her curiously.

— For starters, I need you to take off your clothes.

Automatically, she brought her hands up to the shirt she was wearing, pulling it over her head carelessly. Then, she slid her pajama bottoms down her legs. With her clothes  thrown into a corner, Elisabeth put her arms at her sides, the cold air making her skin prickle. Then, she looked up at Toto, who was staring at her with a smile at the corner of his mouth.

— I meant.. all of your clothes, Liesl — he said, his voice low.

Glancing down, she found his finger gliding gently across the elastic of the panties she was wearing. They were just basic white panties, far from the sexiest pair she owned. But Toto didn't care. He had never cared about what she was wearing when they were going to have sex, whether or not she was wearing luxurious lingerie or comfortable cotton panties, as long as when she took them off, her pussy was there, wet and ready for him to do whatever he desired. 

— Take it off for me — Elisabeth whispered.

Toto tilted his head, looking at her.

— I'd love to, Liesl, but tonight I'm in control — he said, in a serious tone — And you are the one taking your panties off.

She pressed her lips together, trying to ignore the heat coursing through her skin.

— As you wish, Mr. Wolff.

Sliding the panties down her legs, Elisabeth stifled a gasp as cool air made contact with the wetness between her thighs. After kicking the garment to the corner along with the T-shirt and pants, she found herself naked in front of Toto. His eyes roamed over her skin with curiosity, which made her desire grow.

However, that wasn’t the only thing exciting her. The stark contrast between the two of them made Elisabeth's anticipation ever more present. He was still fully dressed while she was completely naked. It was a clear game of power and control, and it was all new to her. After all, Toto had never been the dominating type, and she wasn’t very good at being submissive — she just didn’t have the personality for it.

At that moment, naked and at Toto’s disposal to do whatever he wanted with her body, she didn't feel vulnerable or fragile, as Elisabeth thought she would if she was ever in this situation. To her surprise, she felt confident. Powerful. Beautiful.

— Lie on your back for me — Toto finally said, after a few seconds of silence. She obeyed almost immediately, facing the bed. Then Elisabeth felt him approach — Close your eyes, Liesl.

Again she obeyed, feeling the silk of the black cloth he held in his hand slide across her face, stopping right in front of her eyelids, completely obscuring her vision.

— Are you comfortable, Liesl?

— Yes — she replied in a low voice. After answering, she felt Toto's hands land on her waist, their heat causing a wave of excitement to run over Elisabeth's skin. He gently rotated her back to her starting position.

— See anything, baby? — she heard Toto ask from somewhere in front of her.

— No.

— Are you sure?

— Absolutely, Toto.

— Good — he said. She could practically hear his smile in his voice — Now, I'm going to help you to bed, okay?

Elisabeth nodded and felt Toto take her hands and gently push her back, making her take a step, then another, until she was resting the backs of her thighs against the mattress. Elisabeth first sat on the bed, feeling the fabric of the comforter that covered the bed against her skin, the softness of it taking her by surprise. She had never realized how soft the texture was.

After hearing Toto direct her to move further back so that she would be in the middle of the bed, she laid down on the mattress with a sigh, her heart pounding in her chest. Without being able to see anything, every other one of her senses were in overdrive to compensate. Elisabeth could smell the aroma of the vanilla scented candle that had escaped from the bathroom present in the air, and she could hear the sound of Toto's footsteps as he walked around the bed. Imagining him pacing back and forth, scrutinizing her like a feast served just for him made her squeeze her tights together.

— Is there a problem, Elisabeth? — he asked somewhere at her feet, in a serious tone.

— No — she replied.

One of his hands landed on her ankle, fingers gliding lightly over her skin. Elisabeth swallowed hard, her lips pursed and heat coursing through her body in waves. She just couldn't understand how that simple touch had so much power over her.

— None at all?

— No, none.

— You're wondering what I'm doing, aren't you? — he murmured, pulling his fingers away — Imagining what I'm planning to do with you tonight.

Elisabeth didn't answer, too focused on the tingling growing between her legs. Until she felt the bed sink in on her right side, as if he were settling down with her on the mattress, one of his hands resting on her belly, just above her navel.

— Tell me what you're imagining, Liesl — Toto whispered, his thumb tracing lazy circles on her skin — I want to hear what you're thinking.

— I'm not… thinking about…

— You are, I can tell by the way your cheeks are red. Come on, tell me. Or I'm going to have to leave you like this for the rest of the night.

— You wouldn't do that — Elisabeth said. She couldn’t help but sound a little indignant.

— Don't doubt me, Miss Lauda — he murmured — I'm capable of a lot, especially when it comes to you.

— Oh, yes? What exactly are you capable of?

Toto laughed, pulling his hand away from her body.

— My love, I'm the one asking the questions here. And, you didn't answer the question I asked earlier.

She pressed her lips together, a little annoyed.

— I was thinking about you walking around the bed, looking at me like a feast.

— So you see yourself as a feast, Elisabeth?

— You see me as a feast, Torger — she shot back, making him laugh again.

— Is this your way of telling me to eat you?

Elisabeth didn't answer, too distracted by the image of his face between her legs causing a new wave of heat to run through her skin. And she was sure her own body had betrayed her when she felt a warm breath against her ear.

— Tell me what you want me to do, baby — Toto whispered, his hand caressing her belly again — Tell me what's on your mind.

— I'm thinking about the first time we had sex, in Sochi — Elisabeth said softly — I'm thinking about the way you touched me, asking what I liked. I'm thinking about how you slid your lips down my body, kissing my skin, until you reached my…

In the middle of her explanation, a groan escaped her lips. The hand that was on her stomach slid down as she spoke, his middle finger finding her clit and drawing small circles, slowly. If that was already pleasurable under normal circumstances, now, deprived of her sight, it was much better. 

— You can go on, I'm listening.

— I…I can't — she stammered lightly before letting out a high, high-pitched moan.

— Care for me to stop so you can talk? — Toto asked, his finger stopping to move between her legs.

— No, no, please continue — Elisabeth whimpered, her hips moving in search of more friction. However, he did exactly the opposite of what she had asked.

— I want to hear from you. Finish your thought first, then I'll continue.

Elisabeth let out a frustrated grunt, one hand groping blindly down his arm, trying to get him to move, to no avail.

— Toto...

— Tell me what you were thinking — he said, his tone more like an order than a request. Completely vulnerable in that bed, Elisabeth didn't dare disobey him.

— I was thinking about your mouth on my pussy, sucking and licking me with such passion I felt like I'd just died and gone to heaven. No man had ever fucked me the way you fucked me that night and every other night since. I love your mouth, your tongue and the way you combine every element. 

— Do you want me to use my mouth, then?

Elisabeth just nodded, a whimpering sound escaping her lips. Removing his hand from her pussy, Toto got up from the bed without saying a word. 

— Toto? Are you there?!

Silence. Her heart was pounding in her chest, the adrenaline of pleasure and the anxiety of being possibly alone and completely vulnerable had her reaching for her satin blindfold.

— Don't even think about taking your blindfold off, Elisabeth — Toto said from somewhere at the foot of the bed.

— But…

— I'm here — he said, resting his hands on her ankles, slowly pulling them apart — And I'm not going anywhere.

She felt the mattress sink between her legs, as if Toto was settling into that space. His hands repositioned her feet so they were planted on the bed and her knees bent. Elisabeth was completely exposed to him, anticipation making something in her belly tingle.

— You know, Liesl — he began, a finger idly running down her thigh — I've imagined that night in Sochi many times. I always thought about what it would be like when I finally had you all to myself. I imagined thousands of scenarios. I imagined from the most romantic scenes to the dirtiest. I imagined everything from a simple goodnight kiss after dinner to pulling you into the tire room at the Nurburgring and letting you angry-fuck me for taking you on that lap. In the end, you chose the exact scenario that I had never thought of.

— In a hotel? — she whispered.

— No. With you taking the initiative — Toto replied, planting a kiss on the side of her knee. “He's between my legs”, Elisabeth thought — You always seemed so shy, so delicate. I thought it was going to be up to me to take the first step. And then you showed up in my room, you took off your dress, and I knew you were mine. Finally mine.

His lips slowly slid over her skin, placing kisses along the way to the spot between her legs. When he was getting to where she most wanted him to touch her, Toto stopped and walked back the same way. He was teasing her.

— I didn't even know where to start when I put you in my bed. I wanted to do it all at once. I wanted to feel your taste, your heat, your touch, but I knew that, more important than me at that moment, it was you — he murmured, giving attention to the other leg — So, I decided to start by touching you, getting to know you, finding out what turned you on. Seeing you come for the first time is my favorite memory.

Hearing him say those things while touching her gently made her feel like she was melting under his fingers. 

— Please — she whimpered softly.

— What do you want?

— Please, I need you.

— What do you want me to do for you?

— Anything, just make me come, please.

Elisabeth heard a low, almost devilish giggle.

— As you wish, baby — he replied, taking one long lick to spread her wetness across her pussy, a loud moan escaping her lips as her hands gripped the bed’s comforter. His ministrations were slow and patient, as if he wanted to understand what each movement, each rhythm, each direction provoked in her body and face. It was the kind of delicious torture only he knew how to do, the way it left her legs shaking and her heart racing.

Alternating between soft touches with her tongue and vigorous sucks, Elisabeth began to feel a familiar sensation in her belly, as if it were a balloon being inflated little by little. And she knew that the moment it popped, it would be something breathtaking.

— Toto — she whimpered as she felt him descend, his tongue playing at her entrance, teasing her.

— Want my fingers to help you, baby? — he murmured against her body, the vibration of his voice making her gasp.

— Yes — Elisabeth choked out.

She was so wet that Toto’s fingers slipped inside of her easily, bending to find the right spot inside her. The spot he knew would make her back arch and the dirtiest words leave her lips.

— Fuck — she moaned, bringing a hand to his head, fingers clenching in his hair — This, yes!

The balloon continued to inflate in her abdomen, her hips moving erratically against Toto's face, trying to seek out more friction. Combined with his fingers and tongue, Elisabeth felt every second closer to orgasm.

— Yes, yes, yes, this, yes — she murmured, her breathing labored and the muscles in her body completely tense. She was almost there — Don't stop, please, please, please...

Then, the balloon popped.

Elisabeth let out a moan so loud the neighbors would probably have heard it, her body shaking with the waves of pleasure that ran through her skin. Orgasms in general were great, but Toto's were completely different. There was an extra ingredient in the mix that made them more ravishing.

It was his sweetness, his affection, his dedication to her that made her believe that, contrary to what she thought, she did deserve to be loved the way he loved her. And feeling that love in the small gestures, in the way Toto took care of her and made a point of making her feel good, made her feel filled with something she had never felt before meeting him.

Happiness.

She was still recovering when she felt Toto's lips move up her body, placing kisses on her sensitive skin, until they reached her mouth. Savoring her own pleasure on his tongue, Elisabeth brought her hands to the back of his neck, caressing it. Then he pulled away and, with one hand, removed the blindfold that covered her eyes.

After a few seconds of trying to get used to the brightness of the room, Elisabeth found Toto staring at her with a look of concern.

— Are you okay?

— I'm fine — she replied, her fingers stroking the back of his head — Why?

— You're crying.

Elisabeth blinked, feeling her eyes wet. She hadn't felt the tears run down her skin, perhaps because of the blindfold. But, now that he had spoken, she realized that, in fact, she was crying. But inside her, there was no hint of sadness or anguish.

— I'm fine — Elisabeth repeated, more to herself than Toto.

— Did I hurt you? — he asked softly, almost as if he was feeling guilty for making her orgasm.

— No, no, you didn't hurt me — she said, watching his expression. At that moment, looking at his face brought a new wave of emotion, her eyes filling with more tears. Elisabeth only felt love. Pure, raw and simple.

— Then why are you crying?

— Because I love you — she whispered.

Toto raised an eyebrow.

— You’re crying because you love me?

— I'm crying because you showed me what happiness is. You showed me what it's like to be truly happy. You made me blossom when I thought I was just a barren stump, Torger. And I love you for it.

He smiled, leaning his forehead against hers.

— I love you too, Elisabeth. More than I can put on words.

After a few seconds of silence, Elisabeth brought her hand to his face.

— Can you lay down with me? — she whispered — I wanna feel you close to me.

— Of course, baby — Toto answered, settling down next to her on the bed, placing a kiss on her forehead. Wrapped in her embrace, Toto’s arms resting on her waist, Elisabeth felt completely safe.

She was at home.

[astromaki]

part 2 of 5000 $ - shoto todoroki x fem!reader (1597 words)

part 1. (previous)

tw ; minors dni, angst, nsfw, toxic relationship, mention of cheating and breakup, shoto is a complete bastard here

you finally did it.

you broke up with him a week ago. for real this time, not like the last hundred times you'd yelled at him that he was a heartless jerk. just so he could get you into bed the second you calmed down.

no, you threw him in the trash the day after that party. by message, but it was a start.

even your social media status had gone from 'in a relationship' to 'single <3', you'd even reinstalled tinder, and accepted follow requests on instagram from those boys in the same class as you in college.

and shoto seemed to have abandoned you too. no news from him, and you hadn't even run into him on campus in the last few days.

so why did it still hurt to think about him ? why did your lips refuse to say his name ? and why the fuck did your sheets still smell like him despite the many machines ?

so you could tell that you felt a little joy when you saw this message.

he had sent you this two days ago.

and it's been two days, you've been wondering if it was a good idea to see him again right away.

never mind, you were already at his door. besides, you didn't have to talk to him, just take back what belonged to you and go home. it couldn't go wrong ? right ? it's ridiculous, you even had to convince yourself now.

you knocked, once, twice, three times. you could hear someone inside. and you knew he didn't have a roommate. this rich kid could buy the whole building if he wanted.

fuck. you just had to go in and get your stuff, and it's like you were never there. he wouldn't notice you were there.

you opened the door, and were surprised to see a second pair of shoes at the entrance next to shoto's sneakers. which is more like a pair of rather feminine shoes, pumps.

a strange feeling made you shiver. it wasn't like you to track down your exes, but you don't remember seeing a new girl with shoto on social medias.

slight, imperceptible sighs escaped from his room a little further into the apartment. bed squeaks, that male growl you knew all too well.

fuck. fucking hell.

you knew what it was, you knew what those noises were, who was causing them. why he had asked you to come and get those so-called forgotten things.

and yet you still walked to his room, your brain screaming at you to turn around and stay away from that boy and his unmitigated evil. your heart telling you the opposite, to keep going to find out if he still cared about you. no matter how small, you wanted to know, you had to know, if you ever meant anything to him.

or if you were just a joke, that he could throw a little money around.

"shoto, fuck, yes, right there oh fuc-"

you felt tears welling up in your eyes when you finally saw shoto vulgarly fucking a girl in that room, where you used to spend all your evenings.

but that wasn't the worst part. it was that he had taken your best friend to bed, ochako.

"you're so fucking good, i -" he says in a low voice.

he had already created that crack in your heart. but now ?

his blue and gray eyes finally met yours, his gaze was nothing but arrogance and contempt. the only things he ever felt for you. and even though he was fucking your best friend, busy pacing back and forth, he had the nerve to look you up and down. a smirk lit up his face.

and that asshole finally said the three words he never disdained to say to you.

"i love you ochako," he finally said, looking you straight in the eye. you're the best sex i've ever had. "

his words were spoken clearly, slowly, so that they were articulate for you to hear. a mixture of anger, and sorrow suddenly overtook you

as if you had come back to reality, you suddenly left the room. your steps were disordered, you had lost all your balance, gravity seemed to be slightly stronger. your hands dropped some objects on your way.

what was wrong with you? why?

ochako had finally noticed you after her orgasm, and weakly called out your name, as if begging you to come back would make things better. that he was cheating on you was one thing, but with her ? the one who had pushed you to leave him?

you could hear heavy footsteps following you down the hallway to the front door. and a muscular hand grabbed your wrist to turn you around in one simple motion.

obviously, who else ?

"so you just walk into people's houses without knocking now?"

wow, how did he manage to make you hate him a little more every time he opened his mouth ?

"stop it. don't mess with me. you sent me a message to come in today to get my stuff." your voice was firm.

his face was as haughty as ever, yet he already seemed a little more natural and relaxed than the other times. you would have found it attractive if it wasn't after a romp with your best friend.

"ah, that's right. and so it's okay? you got everything? "

his deceptively kind voice made you want to scream. to take anything and throw it at him. he still had this annoying habit of driving you crazy even after you'd broken up. you wanted to hurt him like he'd been hurting you for months.

but your shaky, broken voice didn't reflect your desires. you were about to cry.

"i don't understand why? why you're being so mean to me. i'm not stupid, shoto, i know that you invited me here today just to see you fuck her."

his face hadn't changed, nor had his eyes. he was glaring at you miserably. as usual.

"i was hoping we could talk if i came to your door so we could maybe work things out, get off to a good start." and it's true, that message he sent you had falsely given you false hope. and you had fallen off the deep end.

a slight sigh escaped his lips. that slight sigh that made the cup overflow.

"why do you care ? we broke up, right ?"he said it in such a carefree tone.

"fuk you shoto. fuck you. you don't even realize how fucking toxic you are! you throw money around to get what you want, you fuck with people and play with their feelings! you're a fucking asshole. and you're a lot like your father for someone who hates him deeply. "

your words of hatred and anger that you had been building up for weeks, for fucking months, poured out on him like a lava flow.

it was mean, it was sincere, and it hurt shoto. it hurt him to see that he had done too much this tim.

his emotionless gaze watched you get angry, cry, push him, hit him, dry your tears that he couldn't tell if they were of melancholy or rage. he saw you push his hand away as he tried desperately to calm you down.

you couldn't see it, too busy screaming and drying your tears, but you managed to wring a sincere expression from shoto.

he was just panicking. he was panicking because he knew he had crossed the point of no return. that not even $5,000 or $10,000 or even $50,000 would bring you back.

his love, full of flaws, who never knew a healthy role model from his parents, would not be enough to make you stay. not to leave him alone.

because we know the cliché, the rich boy who didn't know how to love. didn't even know how to make the one person who always cared about his own selfish self, stay. but that was shoto though. he was that boy who only had toxic love to give.

but please don't leave him for good, he was begging you mentally.

if he had put his pride aside to express himself or even make you understand, maybe you wouldn't have left.

"i hate you shoto todoroki. i fucking hate you. but know that you'll end up alone, you and your stupid money. and i'll be the first to laugh. "

fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuck.

" i- y/n just wait- "

he didn't think you'd hate him so much. the young man knew he was just an asshole with a fat bank account. he just thought that by fucking your best friend he'd get you to come back to him, out of desperation, out of a desperate love.

he didn't think he would feel such a pressure on his chest when he saw you slam the door, leaving him alone in the apartment with your best friend and a big hole in his heart.

he didn't think he'd regret his actions. he was a rich guy who always wanted what he wanted, whether it was money or sex. so you were easy. right ?

he never imagined that he would miss your perfume, your exasperating smiles, that he would miss you.

you were barely gone, and he knew he would miss you.

a/n ; i've never written such a nasty shoto sorry 😟 kinda want to leave this story like this...

please lemme know what you thought about this second part, should i make a third one ? (+ reblogs are appreciated <3)

🔖 taglist; @deepestranchgoopdeputy @kizuatonoaiko

[the-bau-quinjet]

Round 2: Tik Tok

Bucky x reader

Part 2 to Round 1: Fruit Snacks

Summary: You enlist Peter to help you prank Steve, Sam, and Bucky.

Warnings: Language!

Word Count: 1795

a/n: Ahh, part 2! Gotta love tik tok. This entire part was inspired by the first Chris Evans tik tok I linked... I linked all the tik toks I referenced, but the descriptions in the fic have been edited a bit to better fit the scene!

Masterlist

"Peter!" You called to him from the other end of the hallway as he entered the elevator. "Hold the door!"

He smiled back at you, holding the doors open as you ran down the hallway.

"Perfect. I need your help." You whispered as the doors closed, never knowing if a super soldier could hear you or not. You had an evil glint in your eyes that clearly said you were scheming.

"Oh, okay. What do you need Ms. L/N?" His eyes were wide, never having seen you this devious before.

"Peter. How many times have I told you to just call me Y/N? You make me feel old, and I am not old." You huffed, stalling for time.

"Right, Y/N. Got it. What do you need my help with?" He asked as the elevator doors opened.

You peaked your head, looking both ways before exiting. You gestured for him to follow you, exiting the compound and walking toward the gate where May was picking him up after a date with Happy.

"I need you to play the video on this flash drive at Tony's next party." You said when you reached the end of the driveway, handing him the mentioned flash drive.

"Why?" He took the device, albeit with a bit of hesitation.

"Because, I'm pranking Steve, Sam, and Bucky. They tried to get me the other day and failed miserably. Honestly, just watching them on edge has been great, but it's time for payback." You smirked, knowing the prank wouldn't do any real harm.

"Oh, Mr. Stark told me about that!" His eyes were wide with recognition. "Good job with the fake crying, I would've loved to see it."

"Well, you can help me get them back if you play that on the projector screen at Tony's next party." You nodded toward the flash drive, wanting to confirm the plan.

"What is it?" Peter looked nervous, unsure if he should get involved.

"Don't worry, it's nothing bad. Just a few tik toks I found from fans. Three for each of them." You smirked, already picturing the blushes. This would really get Steve and Bucky more than Sam, but when you came across the first video you couldn't not do it.

"Alright. I'm in!" He smiled, happy to help you. "But, why can't you just play the video?" He questioned, obviously not well versed in the world of pranks.

"Because, if they see me doing anything out of the ordinary at the party, they'll know something's up. I have to act normal, so it's a surprise." You outline the plan, explaining the need for two people.

"Why me?" He asked again, genuinely curious.

"Because, they won't think I'd go to you for help. They think you'll do anything to get them to stop teasing you, so they won't see it coming."

Peter nodded, understanding your logic. "Wow. You've really thought of everything." He smiled as May pulled up.

"I know. It's going to be great." You smirked, turning and running back inside before anyone could see you.

-

The night of the party, it took everything in you not to wear the world's biggest smirk.

Sam, Bucky, and Steve have been on edge ever since your warning, waiting for you to strike. They were huddled by the bar, appearing deep in conversation.

"Hi boys." You greeted them from behind, causing them to jump at the intrusion.

Sam recovered first, smirking at you. "Y/N. We've got a theory."

You raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue.

"You warned us about your next prank, and then planned nothing." You bit your lip, trying to appear deep in thought.

"Interesting theory. What do you have to support it?" You tilted your head to the side, waiting for more of an explanation.

"It's been a week, and you haven't done anything." Steve started, less confident than Sam, but still sounding sure.

"I haven't?" You questioned, enjoying watching them squirm. "You sure?"

Bucky shook his head with a grin. "You're doing it again. Trying to make us paranoid."

Your gave them your sweetest smile, running your hand up and down Bucky's arm. "Whatever you say, dear." You said it with mock reassurance, then walked away grinning.

The three men shared a look, trying not to seem overly paranoid, but failing.

-

You felt eyes on you for the entire party. There was never a minute at least one of them wasn't watching your every move. You were fairly certain they were even keeping tabs on Wanda and Nat, just to make sure you hadn't enlisted their help.

You chatted with Nat, Wanda, and Pepper, danced for a bit, and ate some food, all while ignoring their stares.

Around 9:30, Peter managed to get the video queued up. All eyes were on the projector screen at the sudden noise.

A tik tok started playing, flashing different images of Steve as the music played.

"Hush hush hush, blush blush blush, you are now my big fat crush."

Steve's face grew redder as the video played, turning into a tomato by the end.

"Love me, and hug me, and touch me. And well, fuck me."

Another video immediately started playing, also featuring pictures of Steve.

The caption read "Let me present to you: Steve Rogers Walking" backed by some sexy music.

"When marimba rhythm starts to play, dance with me, make me sway."

Clips of Steve walking, whether it be in uniform from a news clip or in suits from press events, graced the screen.

He was hiding his head in his hands, too embarrassed to even think you could have done this. He had been watching you all night, you couldn't have set up the video.

Bucky and Sam laughed as a third video started to play.

The on screen text read as follows:

"People: how do you sleep at night? Me:"

A girl fell into her bed, swaddled in a blanket covered in pictures of Steve.

The screen flashed black for a few seconds, making everyone think the impromptu display was over. That is, until a new video began playing.

A heavy bass started thumping as a girl appeared on screen, counting down with her fingers along with the sound.

"3, 2, 1."

Sam appeared on screen, a plethora of his most used interview and press clips being played.

He was enjoying the praise, although slightly embarrassed at the video being played in front of all these people.

Another video began playing, showing Sam acting out different Avengers in a game of charades.

"Oh!" It was highly edited to draw attention to his amusing sound effects.

Finally, a clip from an interview Sam did with Steve and Scott came up.

"The problem isn't the kids, the problem is the parents."

You knew he wouldn't be embarrassed by the same things as Steve, so you chose a few random videos you found to call him out for not always thinking before speaking.

The screen flashed black again, transitioning to videos of Bucky.

A clip that had gone viral from Sam's account was edited with new music, resulting in the crowd hearing Bucky say:

"Suck my dick!" Followed by the song "if you gave me a chance, i would take it."

These videos were really just for you. You watched them so many times while looking for the three best ones.

Although, Bucky's wide eyes and rosy cheeks definitely didn't hurt.

The next video began with Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake.

"Take it to the chorus. Come here girl."

Pictures of Bucky flashed across the projector screen, showing off his physique. You don't know where fans find this pictures, but you loved them for it.

The last video of Bucky was a pov someone made about yours and Bucky's relationship. Although the two of you were flirty, nothing had been discussed.

Maybe that's why you chose this one.

You and Bucky were having a fake conversation that went as follows:

Y/N: "Bucky, I like your last name."

Bucky: "Oh thanks, that's sweet."

Then, in sync with the music in the background:

Y/N: "Can I steal it from you?"

Bucky: "Of course, doll."

Y/N: "What'd he sayyyyy?"

The crowd laughed at that one, knowing how the media and fans speculate about your relationship.

Finally, the screen went dark, no more videos lined up to play.

You made your way over to the guys as everyone resumed their normal party activities.

"What a show guys. Really well done. Don't forget to thank your fans." You slow clapped, enjoying their flustered faces.

"How long were you planning that?" Steve, blush just beginning to fade, questioned you.

"I've had the video made for 6 days. I started planning the second you left for the store." You grinned, enjoying the high of a good, harmless prank.

"We've been watching you all night. How did you manage to queue the video?" Sam questioned, eyes narrowed.

"I had help." You shrugged noncommittally. You wouldn't give up Peter's role in the prank unless he wanted you to.

"From? We had eyes on Nat and Wanda." Bucky questioned further, but you just shook your head.

"I can't reveal my sources." You laughed again at their matching looks of annoyance.

Suddenly, something clicked for Bucky.

"So, you chose all of the videos?" He sounded so curious, you couldn't help but fill him in.

"I did. It didn't take long. The internet is full of videos of the three of you. They were pretty fun to look through." You laughed at a few videos you opted to leave out of the montage.

"What's this about you liking my last name then?" Bucky had a new confidence about him with this question.

Having expected this question at some point, you had already thought of how you would answer.

"Well, the fans want what they want. Maybe we should give it to them." You stepped closer as Sam and Steve awkwardly shuffled away.

"You think so, doll?" Bucky relied, hands moving to your waist.

"I don't see why not." You closed the distance, pressing your lips to his in a moment you had been thinking about for months.

You moved together, pulling each other closer even when you were already chest to chest.

Eventually, the sound of a throat clearing caused you to break apart.

Tony was playfully glaring at the two of you.

"L/N, if you ever use my protégé to pull a stunt like that again, at least include some videos of me." He whined.

You laughed at his statement, having expected him to be annoyed at you interrupting his party.

"Can do Stark."

He walked off as you turned back to Bucky, whose mouth was hung open like a fish.

You gave him a questioning look as he sputtered.

"Parker helped you?!"

Permanent tag list:

@averyhotchner

[goggles-mcgee]

I’m the anon who asked about your other Adrien salt ideas. I would actually really like to see you describe all your ideas because I like the thought processes and concepts of salt ideas. I’m also really really interested in the high salt category.

Hohohoho boy alright High Salt Category, also known as the Dead Sea Salt Category. I hope you are ready for this list because as I recall I have stated before that I have around 12 ideas. I believe I have shared two on here already but they were kind of all over the place so I will refine them. Buckle up kiddos.

1. Double Take:

Tom and Sabine aren't dumb, they know something is going on with their little girl, but every attempt to get her to open up is met with over-enthusiastic reassurances and too big smiles. They hope that a surprise visit from her cousin Bridgette and her aunt, Sabine's sister, will help. When they were younger, Bridgette and Marinette were as thick as thieves and everyone thought the two were twins whenever they hung out. Even though they haven't seen each other in a year, the two still are close, that's why Bridgette knows that something is wrong immediately when she goes up to Marinette's room to support her.

It doesn't take long for Marinette to break and tell her everything. Everything about Lila, how she did turn everyone against her like she said, how Adrien said they were in it together yet he offered no help when he saw how her former friends were treating her, how Bustier kept lecturing her about how she had to be the example. Bridgette is furious but she convinces Marinette to tell her parents, when she does they are rightfully angry, and Tom becomes Akumatized yet again into Weredad. Bridgette and Marinette run when their mothers tell them too and in a fit of desperation Marinette tells Tikki she is sorry before telling Bridgette that she is Ladybug and she needs to transform as quick as possible.

Bridgette immediately is even more furious at her cousin's situation but understands, she comes up with the idea that the two of them switch clothes in case Tom goes searching for Marinette, he'll think Bridgette is her, Marinette agrees and they quickly do so. After Tom is defeated everyone sits down and has a long conversation about what to do. Sabine wants the school to pay for not taking action and her sister is right there with her but Marinette quickly points out they have no definitive proof to take to the board and Damocles would fight tooth and nail and would throw whoever he had to under the bus if they just opened up a case, not to mention if they went with no proof who knew how long it would take for the investigation to actually start. That's when Bridgette gets the idea that they collect proof themselves over a period of time and then go to the board. Marinette is on board the idea but Sabine really doesn't want Marinette to go back to that class or school, that's when Bridgette gets the idea for the two of them to swap places. It gives Marinette a break from the chaos and Bridgette can collect the proof.

Everyone is a little hesitant but after a longer talk everyone agrees. They wait two weeks before switching. That way Bridgette can cut her hair and have everyone get used to it before Marinette comes in, she let's her friends know what's going on because she knows they'll be able to tell that Marinette is not her so she tells them to make her feel welcome and help her come across as 'Bridgette.' They agree of course after she explains the situation. Then the switch happens. While Marinette is finally able to have a break and starts to enjoy her life once more, Bridgette is getting angrier as the days go on, horrified by what her cousin has to go through but she is dutifully collecting evidence and boy it wasn't hard at all. It's a wonder that the school is still open. It's hard not to call off the whole thing but she's going to be strong for Marinette.

Meanwhile Adrien doesn't understand why Marinette is acting so differently but he doesn't like it. Felix is intrigued by Bridgette's cousin and it seems like his friends share that sentiment as they are all trying to convince her to transfer after the whole investigation and whatnot.

[Includes New Chat Bridgette and Quantic Kids as the new heroes and Felinette, Felix Culpa not Felix Graham de Vanily]

2. Moving On, Finding Home:

Out of everything Felix expected his mother to do while in the stages of her grief, he never thought moving would be one of them. Now he is in Paris and hoping beyond all hope that he will not run into his cousin. Thankfully he is at a different school than his cousin, on the other hand his mother is all to eager to throw herself into work again and start on a new movie, and so are her employees. Felix is dreading the time when they will have to get costumes, since his uncle was always the one to provide them, and he is fairly certain his uncle would not be pleased to see him. It would seem that his mother shares the same thoughts as him and is also not wanting to ask Gabriel for help. That's when he gets an idea.

After his last visit to Paris and his...encounter with Adrien's friends, he had been keeping an eye on one of them, purely because they had piqued his interest. Marinette Dupain Cheng, the girl who professed her love to her cousin, though he never got to see it, also the very talented designer MDC. It wasn't hard to put two and two together, sure she posted on two different accounts but really the signatures on each commissioned piece were basically the same. Then he thinks about how thrilled his mother would he to work with her...the only problem is how will he convince the girl to help them out?

All the while Amelie decides to play matchmaker for her boy and Marinette while she commissions the young artist. It's great because it double as a big middle finger to Gabriel who is wracking his brain trying to figure out who this MDC is while simultaneously trying to steal Mlle Dupain Cheng from his sister-in-law. Adrien is just upset about his very close friend getting too close to his mischievous cousin. He will stop at nothing till he makes Marinette understand what a bad person Felix is.

[Contains new Chat Felix, as well as Felix redemption, school transfer for Mari, Quantic Kids, Lila Rossi's Lies Exposed]

3. Marinette, The Rolling Stone:

She didn't know how, but Lila had done it, she had successfully turned Marinette's friends against her. Not only that, but her lies had somehow made their way to and infected, Marinette's parents, making them lose their faith in their "once sweet daughter." They decide they no longer can care for her, seeing as she deceived them, they want to send her away or give up guardianship. Marinette tries to get Adrien to help her out but he is still on his high-road-horse and won't come don't even if it means she loses her parents. So she collects all her evidence and does her best to talk to them.

But Tom and Sabine don't want her to "take advantage" of their family members so they decide the best course of action is to have Marinette legally emancipated. Marinette tried, she tried so hard to get them to see her evidence and just hear her out but they think she is nothing more than a liar and manipulator. Before they have her emancipated, Jagged crashes back into her life and when he hears what Tom and Sabine are planning he is outraged and immediately offers to adopt Marinette. For Tom and Sabine, it's the out they needed, but they worry about Jagged, seeing as he obviously doesn't know the truth about their wicked daughter. But he stands strong and does not take no for an answer, and Marinette...she is hurt, yet happy that Jagged loves her enough to adopt her.

When all is said and done, Jagged and Penny get to work on being the best parents they can be. First things first. Getting their little Rolling Stone out of that hell-hole of a school and finding one better suited to her tastes. Or better yet, why not leave Paris as a whole?

[Includes class salt so much of it, Lila Rossi getting outed as the liar she is, Chat Noir aka Adrien salt and him losing his miraculous, new school, new friends, Tom and Sabine salt, some Master Fu salt, slight Tikki salt but so slight like a grain of salt, Marinette being loved, Jagged getting to be a dotting father, I don't know what ship I want this to be fyi]

4. Everyday Ladybug

After the events of Ladybug, Sabine and Tom have had enough. Marinette said she could handle it but she shouldn't have to, not to this extent, not to almost getting akumatized, so they decide to pull her from that problematic school and they reinstate her, and transfer her to a new school that would help cultivate her skills and passions. Marinette fully agreed, the expulsion had been the last straw for her, she couldn't take it anymore. She was ready for a change, but was Collège Françoise Dupont?

Once their little girl is free from the Akuma School, Tom and Sabine take their case to Board of Education. Because even though they got Marinette out of there, there was bound to be other students like her who thought they could and should stick it out and that just won't do. They hoped Principal Damocles was ready, because they were prepared to go to war.

[Includes the pairing Felinette, Quantic Kids, Uncle Jagged, Damocles Salt, Bustier Salt, Adrien and Gabriel Agreste salt, Adrien losing the Cat Miraculous, Class salt, Lila Rossi Salt, etc]

5. All The World's A Stage:

She had so many roles to fulfill, and at this point she couldn't keep track of them all. Marinette was being pulled thin and she felt as though there was nothing she could do to stop it. Lila knew this, had seen it coming, maybe even had been a small devil on people's shoulders to help it along, and she decides to take advantage of the situation to help Hawkmoth finally akumatize Marinette. The liar plans a party with the class, or well suggests they should throw a party. The class jumps on the idea and adds just that much more work onto Marinette.

She can't hold on and she needs help, but it seems like the only help she will get is from herself...many of them actually.

[My spin on the Many-nette akuma idea! Includes the pairing Lukanette, akumanette, Adrien realizing that actions and inactions have consequences, new Chat Noir, new Miraculous Holders, class salt, Lila salt, Adrien salt, Hawkmoth salt, happy ending]

6. Wish Me Away:

Chat Noir betrayed her. He took her earrings at the peak of the battle, she never even saw it coming, but she did see his look of surprise and his look of awe and love, and yet...not one apologetic look was given. She watched from where she was pinned under Mayura as Chat detransformed, she watched as he became Adrien, and she cried. She begged Gabriel Agreste not to make the wish, she didn't expect the slap from Adrien or the venom he spit out telling her he expected better from her, he thought she wanted him to be happy.

She watched in horror as Gabriel detransformed and told Natalie to do the same but not before tying Marinette to a chair. She watched as Gabriel happily took her earrings from his son and Adrien's ring before transforming into a being of Chaos and Order, she forced herself to watch as he made his wish and as the light swallowed her she finally closed her eyes.

Tikki and Plagg were furious, Adrien betrayed them and all of Paris, all of the Miraculi. But as they were joined to make the wish they realized that Gabriel hadn't been specific in his wish, which meant they could create something together, a loophole of sorts, all they wanted was to give Marinette a better life. One where no one from her past life would find her, and they wished that she would be placed somewhere she would be loved and cared for like she deserved.

Well...it worked...what they didn't understand was why their Guardian was currently transported to Gotham of all places, and why she was barely a year old!? At least she was transported to what seemed like a nice place. Wayne Manor huh? Well no matter they would make sure their little kit was cared for and make sure that no one from her past life found her.

[Includes Batfam! With Babynette! Marinette gets adopted into the Wayne family! Yes she is still the Guardian of the Miraculous. Karma is being served and it is delicious! No one is skipped, everyone gets a serving!]

7. Tattle-Tail:

When an Akuma catches the class off-guard and makes them tattle their truths on themselves nothing is the same. Marinette still had hope that her friends could return to their senses and come back to her side but after hearing what they think of her, really think, that hope dies. It turns to ash and ignites a fire she didn't know she had. She was done holding out for them. She was done being nice for the sake of being nice. And most importantly, she was done being the example.

Her class started the fire, and they were going to get burned.

[Includes class change for Marinette, Truth Akuma, Lila Rossi's lies exposed, consequences being learned, new friends for Marinette, class salt, no ship for Marinette or if there is it may be Kagaminette, New Chat Noir]

8. The Haunted Bride:

Marinette didn't know why, but ever since she was a little girl she was always fascinated with the famous Culpa Mansion in London. If she asked her parents where her fascination came from they always claimed it had to be from her Grandma Gina when she had given Marinette a book about the mansion. Gina claimed it came from her parents and that's why she bought her little fairy the book. All Marinette remembers is dreaming of the mansion, of living there, and when she found out the tragic history, she started to dream about being the Master of the Mansion's bride-to-be, Bridgette Chang. She dreamed that she might be the reincarnated bride and one day she would go to Culpa Mansion and be reunited with her love, but as she grew, that dream grew to be just that, a dream.

But fate works in weird ways and Marinette finds the chance to go visit like her heart has always yearned to, when she wins her class the opportunity to stay in the mansion. It should be the perfect trip, but between her friends believing the liar over her and her boyfriend, Adrien, still telling her to just take the high road and being everything else but her boyfriend, Marinette is finding it hard to be happy.

Then she meets the staff of Culpa Mansion and she can't help but feel right at home.

[My take on the Haunted Mansion AU made by @merry-madness I believe! Includes class salt, Lila salt, supernatural elements, ghosts!, Adrien salt, Felinette, Quantic Kids, Marinette being loved like she deserves, Guardian Marinette, Hawkmoth has been defeated]

9. Ivy's Sapling:

Pamela didn't mean for it to happen, she didn't mean to stumble upon a robbery gone wrong but she did. She was fully prepared to go about her business but then she heard a baby cry and saw the man with the gun point it at the bundle in pink and next thing she knew her vines and her lashed out and strangled the man. She was fully prepared to take the child to the orphanage but when she saw the child wrap a small chubby hand around one of her vines and give her a gummy smile, she made a decision that would change a lot.

Poison Ivy became a mother, and she loved her little Marigold so much, so when things became a little too much, a little too dangerous in Gotham she sent her little Marigold away with a dear friend who said her son and his wife would take care of her daughter.

Now her and Harley are getting married and she wants her daughter there, when she calls her to tell her the news she wasn't expecting to hear her daughter crying and asking to move back home.

[Includes Mama Ivy and Harley! Daminette pairing, class salt, of course Adrien Salt, new Chat Noir, Lila salt and her lies exposed, Mari moving to Gotham! Uncle Jagged! Batfam]

10. The Commission

Marinette had many noteworthy commissions, but she never bragged, and it's not like she had many people to brag to. So when she opened her business email and saw it full of requests she merely smiled excitedly at the promise of work and the opportunity to work with new people. She clicked the top email and nearly fainted, she read it once, twice, five times before she asked Tikki to read it for her, and after that yelling for her mom and dad to also read it for her. When they confirmed that she had actually gotten a commission from who she had read from she gave out an excited squeal. She had the opportunity to design a formal suit for Tony Stark and a wedding dress for Pepper Potts! Yeah no she was going to faint.

Tony had been a little reluctant to commission this MDC for his and Pepper's wedding attire but he couldn't say no to Pepper who had been a fan of the designers for a long time, so when he finally got his hands on the designers email he didn't hesitate to send an email for the designer to fly over to New York for a consultation and have them stay until their outfits were done. Was it over the top? Maybe a bit much? Was he more than willing to pay for their rooming and materials just to make Pepper happy? Hell yeah! Oh and maybe he could ask if they could make a suit for Peter, he loved the kid, really he did, but he wouldn't know a nice suit if it wrestled itself onto his scrawny body.

Adrien didn't know what Marinette's problem was, he told her to take the high road and she had been doing anything but! Their friends started to call her a bully and well Adrien could tell them that Lila was lying about the bullying but she wouldn't be lying about it if Marinette had just done as he said so he saw it as fine punishment. Well school was over and it was summer and he was planning on helping Marinette go back to the way she was. It was for the best really.

[Includes Spiderbug ship aka Marinette and Peter Parker, I also like to call them Lovebugs! Adrien salt and a new chat! Lila salt and her lies exposed, class salt, Uncle Jagged, the Avengers, the Avengers loving Marinette]

11. The Not-So Phantom of the Théâtre du Châtelet:

Marinette couldn't be more thrilled! She was hired to design and make the costumes for the Théâtre du Châtelet's performance of The Phantom of the Opera. She was less than thrilled at the fact that she would be working with Lila Rossi, her old bully from collège, and Adrien Agreste her ex-boyfriend. But this was a great opportunity for her and her company, Lady Luck Designs. When her and her team arrive to the theatre, she was expecting a little drama, what she wasn't expecting was the whole cast and crew to be on edge. Then she heard the whispers, the rumors, the show was haunted.

At first she thought it was just a little PR stunt, but then she realized that everyone was doing their best not to let the information get out. Then the whispers and rumors were more than just about little things going wrong, people were actually meeting the ghost,, the phantom they were calling him. Marinette didn't believe in it,, didn't want to believe in it, that is until she came face to...er mask? with the phantom.

She hoped Lady Luck shined on her for the duration of this project, she had a feeling she would need it.

[Includes: No Miraculous AU, Felinette pairing, big Lila Rossi salt and her lies finally being exposed as well as her facing consequences, Adrien salt big time too, Marinette's former friends salt, Quantic Kids, the Kwami as Marinette's design team, theatre kid shenanigans.]

12. Silence Can Be The Loudest Thing:

Marinette was fully prepared to find a place to transform in the studio, it shouldn't be hard, it was a big place, and she wasn't Luka's target, but she hadn't counted on Bob Ross. He kept using her as a human shield so it seemed like Luka...er...Silencer took it upon himself to be her protector, and apparently that meant carrying her around Paris as he hunted down Bob Ross so he could keep her safe. She just hoped Chat Noir would get there soon and distract Silencer long enough so that she could transform.

Once he does though she can't help but notice how reckless he is in the fight and how he reacts when he finds out Ladybug isn't there yet. Silencer doesn't take it well and seemed more determined than ever to guard her.

What's a bug to do.

[Includes a Silencer rewrite, lukanette, Adrien/Chat salt, new Chat Noir, new heroes, class salt, class picking sides, Kitty Section opening their eyes to Lila's lies, LIla salt, Alya salt]

[bumblewarden]

Bouncing off my last post of substituting what will probably happen in DA:D with my own stories (not required reading),

I try and fail to keep my tangents contained to the indented sections. If you are reading this and not already familiar with my canon worldstate: Novhen Tabris is the HoF, he underwent the Dark Ritual with a romanced Morrigan, he did not go through the eluvian, and he reunites with Morrigan and Kieran after the main story of Inquisition

By DA:D, Kieran should be somewhere around 20, so imagine him as a companion!

Given, even with the differences between OGB Kieran and human Kieran being rendered mostly null in Inquisition, BioWare would still have to account for world states where he does not exist at all. Companion is a rather big role to leave to chance like that. I cannot see them allotting a different number of companions based on previous worldstate choices like that (Unless that happens in Mass Effect? I’ve only played a few hours of the first one, but based on some spoilers i’ve read, that might be a thing? idk), and even more, i seriously doubt BW would be willing to do a Genealogy of the Holy War-style replacement for him

Now ignoring all that: Companion Kieran. He's a mage, obviously. He could bring back the Shapeshifter specialization, maybe make it worthwhile this time. Since this is [my city now], he can also get some rogue flavorings. Maybe he can't use daggers or a bow with any combat effectiveness, but my boy sure can sneak. He deals full flanking damage too, so if you fail to notice the charging bear on your 6, you're likely to end up on the pyre

In the linked post, i mention how the DA4 protag could possibly be the one to conclude the research for the cure to the Blight and has to decide which of the warring Warden factions to give the cure to. Kieran has a clear side in the conflict and would be heavily gunning for the new protag to give the Blight cure to the Hero of Ferelden and the southern Wardens. He would be open about having spent the past decade or so living at Vigil's Keep. I'm not sure how open he would be about being the son of the HoF himself

I prefer to ignore the canon that the result of unions between humans and elves are always 100% human, biologically or otherwise. Alistair has to be human-passing for his Origins plotline to work as written sure, but that doesn't have to extend to all elf-blooded characters. Yeah sure it’s probably because of the elves being originally spirits or whatever fine, but i’m not compelled.  Kieran specifically would have looked mostly human to have survived the scrutiny of the Orlesian court without being outed during his childhood, but his elven features can become more pronounced as he grows older

In the case of Kieran being visibly elf-blooded, he has little to lose in the racist Thedosian society from revealing his parentage as it was a forgone conclusion, but he might be worried about how it would affect his father's reputation. (As we’ve seen with Soris’s epilogues, the elves of Denerim are likely to take poorly to the news.) After spending so long in Orlais hiding both side of his family tree, i don't know if he'll be able to properly internalize that he's allowed to tell people if he wants

Once Novhen's told the rest of the Tabris family, i don't think he any longer cares about keeping it any tighter than an open secret

If the protag presses, they can find out that Kieran's da father is a Fereldan Warden who is taking part in the rebellion. He won’t say which of his parents is elven, and he won’t spill all the details on his father’s position within the Wardens. It won't be until the party goes to Vigil's Keep that they realize that by a Warden, he meant the Warden. Forget about the advantage this will give HoF's side in the conflict should the player wish to support him; this cure means that Kieran might get decades more to spend with his da. Who would deny a friend that?

If the protag gives the cure to the opposing faction (the First Warden’s) instead anyway, it probably won’t cause him to leave the party. He’ll have his own reasons for following I’m sure. But it will cut off friendship and, if it was on the table, romance alongside a heavy, heavy drop in approval. 

[felassan]

DA4 Lead Producer Scylla Costa’s BIG Festival talk, “Challenges of Dragon Age production during the pandemic”, can currently be rewatched on YouTube here starting roughly at timestamp 8:57:02 after a lil presenter blurb/intro. It’s 1 hour long. When it was streamed live, there was an English translation ‘voiceover’. There isn’t in this vid, however I want to post the link for Portuguese speakers, and also it’s neat for everyone to be able to see all the slides he presented with for themselves in context.

I don’t know if an English-language version will get put up so I’m sharing the notes I took during the talk below, in case anyone’s interested and because I might as well since I wrote them. The rest of this post is under a cut due to length.

Edit: Found a place to re-watch the English version of the talk

(Quick note: I didn’t note down everything, mostly things that caught my interest, so this isn’t exhaustive, and when I was watching I was real tired, so pls bear that in mind and don’t take these notes as bullet-proof 100% accurate gospel or direct quotes. If you watched it and think I’ve written down something wrong/misunderstood, let me know and I’ll fix. Also if you’re a Portuguese speaker and I’ve gotten something incorrect or missed something important etc, again just let me know.) **

** Edit: I’ve now gone through my notes while watching the talk again. I’ve filled in some of the gaps (although they still don’t cover everything said) and so forth, and now I’m no longer worried about there being possible errors in this post.

-----

For some context, this slide contained the breakdown of the talk’s structure. Bear in mind there are other slides present in the talk than the ones I’ve posted here, I didn’t include caps of all of them, just ones which were of note to me.

In the talk, chief Producer Scylla goes over challenges of DA4 production during the pandemic. He discusses the adaptations - necessary skills and learning from remote work - and he ponders on the future of teamwork.

After the launch of ME3 he became a producer, all his MMO and other experience helped a lot. He was on DAI for 3 years and MEA for 9 months, then Anthem. Today, on DA4, Scylla and another Lead Producer were the heads of the whole project, and there is his boss is the Executive Producer Christian Dailey. 

^ the usual AAA game development cycle (brief introduction)

AAA games are games that are launched for several platforms simultaneously. 

In BioWare’s case, the pre-production phase of the game development cycle can have from 5 - 30 people, and up to almost 60 people when they’re just about to go through the gate to production. 

In the pre-production phase, they go through the game’s concepts and prototypes and start developing systems. They seek the game’s concept and focus, and its key features. They do lots of market research. In the case of BioWare, all their games are strong in narrative, so they have lots of tools related to game narratives and supporting the development of a narrative (cinematic design, dialogue system etc) that get focused on in this phase. Other parts of the team such as writers and cinematic design need these systems to do their own roles. 

In BioWare’s case, the pre-production phase through to launch can take 4 - 6 years, but it does depend on the size of the team during development.

With regards to Dragon Age 4, they were coming close to the time when they would shift from pre-production to the production stage when the pandemic hit.

During the production phase is when the development of content and features takes place, with the systems mostly already existing from the pre-production phase. A few new systems may be developed in this phase. In the production phase is when things start escalating, and the team really starts growing, to like 2- or 3-fold the prior pre-production phase size. 

(DA4 is currently in the production phase.)

In the alpha phase, features have to be fully implemented and systems all have to be running / working. All the game features should already be in the game by now. They test from pre-production onwards, but this phase is when they run heavy technical tests with lots of players trying to play at the same time. In the beta phase, the idea is that you should now have full content and that now you’re balancing it and running more and lots of different tests with players before launch. There are final tweaks and then the final launch, when in the weeks prior to launch, all the different business units and areas e.g. marketing team, technology team, publishing team, get together once a day and all of the game’s issues are reported and brought to the table to be prioritized. Then they decide the next steps re: these issues (this is known as ‘the war room’).

After the launch there are usually patches like day zero patches and other patches, this being standard industry practise. The last stage is the new content stage where there are DLCs and a game with more content.

On March 12th 2020, the team gathered to review the DA4 story in the new office. Everyone was very excited. (They had spent over 10 years in their last building and had noticed that with the team growing they needed more space. In August 2019 they found the new studio in the city center.)

Anyway that evening, they got an email from the CEO which contained instructions and said that due to the pandemic, they should from now all start working remotely. They had known that this happening was a possibility so they had been planning on how to have all the devs working from home, but initially less than 50% of the devs were able to work from home successfully/efficiently due to various issues e.g. you need a VPN to be able to log in remotely to do your job normally, varying home office setups. The day after this, the office was basically deserted, except for Scylla, the IT infrastructure people and one or two odd devs.

Scylla was part of the team that was working on allowing the devs to work from home. They first started looking at the short-term changes they needed to make to allow this.

“First, take care of our developers”. 

When the pandemic first hit, their and Scylla’s [as Lead Producer] first priority was to look after the devs. Many of them are parents (schools and day-cares were shut, children were studying from home), others have relatives living with them, others have other personal circumstances which of course need to be taken into account when it comes to assessing what needs to be taken into consideration for this new scenario. So, they looked at each dev on a case-by-case basis in order to evaluate, speaking to each one and asking them what they could do to support them.

One of the first changes/adaptations they could implement was flexible working hours and flexibility around deadlines. Generally speaking the devs got a lot of support, EA was really good and really supported the devs especially in the first months of the pandemic (and they are still supporting them). Initially not all devs had suitable office spaces at home, some were working from the living room from laptops or at the kitchen table. The whole covid situation basically just happened over night and nobody was really ready to deal with that change. So their first step was to enable their devs to work remotely. As a producer, Scylla’s main task is to communicate with the team such as via a number of daily meetings. He doesn’t depend so much on powerful hardware.

“Enable developers to work remotely”.

This slide shows some of a BioWare audio team. Different teams have varying and specific needs in order to do their jobs and therefore in order to do them remotely. For example, the audio team need good-quality speakers and amplifiers, while the lighting and art teams need other specific equipment such as tablets and large screens. So there was a lot of work they had to do to go through each dev to understand their individual needs and what needed to be done for them. ‘Could they download the builds? Did they have the right performance [tech-wise]? Could they submit their changelists, their codes to the server?’

Some devs needed a more powerful internet connection as it would take 6-8 hours to download a build (some devs live rurally). Some needed a lot of cable, as they were working far away from their routers (sometimes up to 50m). As time went by things got better and better. 

The chair devs work from is also important; a kitchen able chair etc is not suitable to sit in for long-term desk work, possibly leading to health issues like back ache and blood circulation problems in the legs.

Every 3 months they had money given to help devs buy new mice, keyboards, monitors - anything they needed really in order for their office setting at home to be improved. For a while, because lots of people [generally, in society] were needing and buying them, it was quite hard to buy things like webcams and microphones.

On mid- and long-term changes:

In terms of DA, we have to look at this from 2 perspectives, the change in the personal and the professional environments. 

As a consequence of working from home, people tend to be less active during the day (even in an office, you go between meeting rooms, up and down stairs etc). Physical activity supports life quality and therefore work quality. Scylla noticed that he began to feel listless and such, and found that he needed to change his routine that he had initially developed when he started working from home, for example; having a normal start time (as in, have a semblance of structure in your day as if you were still working in the office site), get dressed at the normal time, not having meetings over lunch etc. This wasn’t just him, lots of other devs encountered this and had this experience too. Devs which adapted faster had better productivity and became more productive faster.

Scylla bought a stand-up desk which he can raise up and down, and at meetings he would be delivering a talk while standing or even while walking on a treadmill. Other devs also got stand-up desks. He tracked his body’s data on a Fitbit. These sorts of things helped improve physical and mental wellbeing. Other devs did similar things, like starting going out for jogs or began practising yoga. Essentially, everyone needed to make changes to their daily routine in comparison to what they had been doing prior to the pandemic. 

The pandemic has been a thing for over a year now. In their location, every couple of weeks a new restriction is put into place or a rule is changed, and every two weeks there’s a new thing that you can and can’t do. Scylla also started moving around his property. He worked on his desk, fixed it up and painted - taking up a new hobby. Other devs picked up new hobbies too. These are good ways to be active and also to be somewhere else, i.e. to break up the working day and not be spending it all in one home office-type location. Scylla found that when he made these sorts of changes to his routine to improve his lifestyle, the data output by his Fitbit as indicators of his health/wellbeing etc improved, e.g. number of steps taken in a day, heartbeats per minute while at rest. As stated many of the other devs went through a similar process.

On the professional side of things:

They had to improve remote delivery of builds. Accessing things from home as a dev requires a VPN. They need to download a build every day and then upload it to the server after making their changes to the game. They had to work with infrastructure and research other tech, such as streaming tech to allow remote console access, in order to better facilitate this process. For remote access, they also had to work on adapting communications channels.

“Adapting channels of communication.”

In this slide, the team are working on the storyboards. Before you can implement motion capture & performance capture, you have to ‘run the storyboards’ like this. These are small illustrating drawings which reflect the drafts and are meant to quickly reflect the intention of the scenes that are to be built. Before the pandemic, the team would go to meeting rooms like this, sit down, talk and interact in person. After the pandemic, the question became ‘How do you do this over Zoom?’ You can, but it’s not quite the same; it’s harder to see peoples’ expressions, some people are embarrassed speaking over Zoom etc. Therefore they had to adapt their communications systems, and unlearn the ways in which they developed before in order to relearn and learn new ways of communicating.

Slack was a tool that they adopted on this front. Communications channels can be confusing on Slack, so there was a need to develop structure. For example, how quickly should someone reply (as a recommended convention for the purposes of work)? They had to define the process/procedures for the channels so it was clear for the team as a whole how it would all flow (this is important especially if you have a team with say 30 people or as a whole hundreds of people). Before the pandemic, they had stand-up meetings where they’d go around in a circle every morning and talk about their activities - what they’re going to be working on, any roadblocks they had encountered etc. The question arose ‘How do you replace these?’ They ended up doing Slack messages at a certain time of day and updating their statuses with some details on what they’re working on and color-coding (green - fine, yellow - need help, red - busy/blocked out).

Another issue that they faced was unforeseen - the number of meetings that devs were having really shot through the roof. When there wasn’t a good structure of communications channels, any conversation would become a meeting. Everybody began scheduling meetings left and right, and at the end of the day they would have little time left in which to actually work on their to-do lists. Hence, they had to work with the team to really analyze and be very pragmatic. ‘Which meetings needed to happen? Which didn’t? Is a specific meeting really necessary? Which meetings should be recurring? What can be done over Slack?’ This guideline had to be given to the team to help, and it improved things a lot. The number of meetings decreased a lot and they got more effective. For example, by making sure to set an agenda for meetings beforehand, and by having meeting notes (then a dev who didn’t really need to be at a meeting could skip attending and just quickly review the notes output after instead). They also decreased the standard length of meeting times from the default Outlook blocks of 1 hour and 30 mins to 55 mins and 25 mins respectively. This 5 minute change gave devs time for things like bio breaks (also 4 hours in a row at a computer in a home office with one meeting after another just isn’t good for a person).

“Adapting p-cap and mocap”.

On content:

From a content point of view, the most difficult thing in terms of the pandemic was adapting p-cap and mocap (performance capture and motion capture). They hire actors and it’s a large studio. The pandemic meant big limits to what they could and couldn’t do. The actors had to be masked and 5 meters apart in distance (although it doesn’t look like it in some of these shots due to angles). Also there could be no other person around in the studio - only the actors. The directors instead would ‘patch’ in remotely on big screens (you can see this in the second photo in the top right). 

Before the pandemic, they felt that they wouldn’t be able to do p-cap or mocap properly remotely, as the directors would usually stand right next to actors giving guidance on their performance. The techs would also usually be near. But they adapted! The keyword is adapting, changing process. It’s harder and it’s different, but it is possible, and people start rethinking what is possible. What was said to be impossible before now is possible.

P-cap differs to mocap in that it also captures voice and facial expressions.

On the future of work after covid:

There will probably be more working from home and more flexibility for workers e.g. being able to work say 3 out of 5 days from home. It does depend on what a dev’s specific job is however. For example, the audio engineers require lots of specialist equipment and said equipment is of higher quality and quantity in the office. So, depending on role, devs might be working more often or less often from home.

Another development is that lots of devs are moving house. In lockdown etc people started reassessing what’s most important in life. Some are moving further away from the studio to get a cheaper rent or for example couples who both needed an office space to work from home from but their current place only had one area. Others are moving closer to nature for a better quality of life, and still others have other different reasons for doing so. Over 10 devs that he knows in fact have recently moved, including Scylla himself.

The pandemic changed certain skills being used by people on a daily basis. Scylla used as an example of this one of his soft skills, being able to tell from looking/interacting in-person with someone if they are stressed out. Obviously it’s less easy to tell if someone is stressed out when you’re remote, so you adapt different ways of checking in with people in the new situation. To continue carrying out his role as Lead Producer, he began checking in with his team pro-actively on the new comms channels and asking how they were doing.

Also, now that companies are more open to working remotely, there is going to be increased competition for hiring devs. They saw both sides of this coin at BioWare. They were able to hire devs from many places that they couldn’t hire from before e.g. Montreal, Vancouver, the US, as there’s less need for devs to relocate to Edmonton or Austin. This opens up opportunities to hire really intelligent and skilled people that they would not have had access to before.

Question and answer segment:

The pre-production phase has been concluded. They’re in the production phase.

They are not giving out a lot of details yet but Scylla is really excited as a big fan of the whole series. He thinks that with DA4, they will have the opportunity/possibility to launch the best story out of all DA games. He feels that the characters they’re making are amazing. He’s dying to say more but can’t. 

When you work from home you need to keep your team as productive as possible. During the pandemic, when people started working from home, they noticed that some people became more productive and some people became less productive. They were analyzing it on a case-by-case basis so as not to make assumptions. They were interested in seeing what they could do to help. At the beginning of the pandemic, they were looking at the devs as people and seeing what they needed.

Production of DA4 still needed to continue during the pandemic because they want to be able to launch the game.

This slide shows a writer. Writing is an example of a role which is more able to work from home easily.

Their productivity did go down in the first month of the pandemic. After adaptations, some people then became more productive than they were before (this was role and personal situation-dependent, examples of this being artists and coders who were able to art and code at home without being interrupted, thereby being able to produce more). Covid has affected productivity in general, but this is part of our new reality. They have adapted and adjusted some deadlines. They have enough data (Scylla LOVES data) now to understand how long it will take them/how long they’ll need to launch the game. They have always had historical data for this purpose, but they’re doing more of this sort of thing now to ensure that they are doing things at the right time.

Remote hiring opens up the door to more talent joining, so if someone has talent geography will hold them back less. Some companies though may choose not to hire people from other countries due to labor issues, cumbersome legal aspects, time zones. But even in such cases there are activities for example that can be carried out while the rest of the team is asleep such as testing or working on the build, or there are cases where those companies still will want to hire a specifically/highly talented person even in spite of the potential legal aspects and so on.

On mental health: People were affected. There is the mental, physical and social impacts of the pandemic situation on people. EA supported them during the pandemic in terms of their mental wellbeing, there are specific companies (services offered, speaking to a therapist) that they can contact if they need something or help. EA had always been good at supporting them with this sort of thing but this has improved further during the pandemic. Another change was that they could/can take a couple of days off if they needed/need to because of the pandemic e.g. to take care of children, who were obviously not at school at the time. As a producer he had to be very mindful of all of this. How much they were monitoring peoples’ wellbeing really went up during the pandemic.

A question that was asked - in terms of DA4′s storybeats, is there anything in there that they decided to change due to the pandemic as it wouldn’t be sensitive or appropriate to include anymore, for example a plague plotline or something? Scylla’s answer is that DA and ME are games in which they try to have narratives that are relatable, which include things which people will identify with, so that players understand what characters are going through etc. Nothing in DA4′s plotline/storybeats has been changed (in the frame of this question, relating to the pandemic), as it didn’t have anything in it that could be specifically or a directly connected to a pandemic-type situation or anything. Of course the DA story has Blights and the Taint, but these are different & fantastical things and existed long before the pandemic situation. So this wasn’t the case with DA4 and there was no need to change anything, but this has happened to other games where they decided to change a storyline due to a strong correlation with something in the real world.

There were then concluding/closing remarks. The message he wants to send is that a crisis will always spark opportunities. Look at a crisis and try to see how you can grow.

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[darklove9314-blog]

how do you feel about canon cassian? do you still ship nessian?

i feel like nesta, as a character, would understand that she deserves someone that will always put her first and not choose his friends/her sister over her. i know cassian is loyal and bla bla bla but rhys put feyre over everyone very soon after they met so why doesn’t nesta deserve the same?

nesta probably thinks that she’s a horrible person and cassian is more than she deserves so she just accepts how he treats her sometimes. i was really shocked by him never apologising to nesta. even when they visited her old human cottage and she brought up him telling she’s unlovable, he remains silent and doesn’t try to even backtrack that statement let alone apologise.

and i was confused why him telling her that he was shackled to her wasn’t a bigger deal. nesta literally felt like she had no choice in the mating bond and felt like they were forced together so her not really taking his words into consideration was surprising. especially being with him again without cassian apologising for that. sure he backtracked quickly after saying it but why doesn’t he say “i’m sorry”? and don’t even get me started on her feeling like that whole situation was her fault and she needed to apologise.

he’s never even explained the mor situation to her or spoken to her about hybern and all their previous moments. their relationship felt very shallow and if it weren’t for their moments in previous books, it would be very strange that they suddenly wanted to be together forever.

i think what bothered me the most was nesta bringing out lines like “and his voice was her favourite melody” bla bla bla and having vulnerable confessions with him while cassian is really just lusting over her and has never opened himself up to her.

i know a lot of people don’t like nesta and think cassian deserves better but i felt like ACOSF was so sad? if it weren’t for gwyn and emerie her story would have been really sad. hopefully in the next books sarah janet can fix this mess.

You see anon I’m very conflicted over canon Cassian. I feel like this is where SJM fails as a writer. She sees the bat boys as the epitome of perfection, people who can do no wrong while the Archeron sisters and others have to constantly forgive them for their shitty actions without them doing much to make up for them. That’s why I hate when people call SJM a feminist because her books seem far from it. As far as Nessian goes, they’re still my favorite ACOTAR ship. I loved the idea of their ship in ACOMAF because two people who come from separate worlds falling in love with each other is my favorite thing and Nesta and Cassian fit the character archetypes I love. And ACOWAR was peak Nessian. There’s no denying that. I was apart of a small fraction of people who hated Cassian’s behavior towards Nesta in ACOFAS especially since her father had just died 6 months prior and he was more concerned with the fact that she rejected him??? I know it hurts and she pushed him away, but their fight made him seem more like a dick to me then Nesta. Because while I do acknowledge that Cassian suffered a great loss in ACOWAR as well (the loss of the illyrians) Cassian has always had a support system to help him from drowning. To open up to. Nesta didn’t have that. She had never felt like she could truly open up to people and trust them and after the things that happened when she was human with her parents, grandmother, Tomas, and her “friends”, I don’t blame her.(And yes I know she pushed others away, but the only people realistically trying to talk to her were Elain and Amren. Well before their fight on the barge that is) and honestly Nesta’s self worth being the way it is doesn’t shock me considering the IC has always put her on the top of the blame list. And no one can tell me otherwise because while I acknowledge that Nesta should be held accountable for her part, I felt like Elain, their father, and their mother got pushed to the background. They also played a part, but Nesta’s part always seemed to play a bigger role. And yet characters are shocked that Nesta hates herself?? When no one has ever truly acknowledged the things she’s done to make up for her actions??? But I’m getting off topic. The only reason Cassian isn’t in the same boat as Rhys when it comes to characters for me is because there are scenes that prove he loves and cares about Nesta through the whole series and I can appreciate how Nessian isn’t this perfect ship. I do believe that he gets forgiven way too easily. He should have to work just as hard as Nesta to get forgiven for things. And I hope on future books he does because canonically it seems like Nesta loves him more than he loves her. (I mean this girl has saved his ass from dying three or four times, told him she loved him, opened up to him about her feelings for him, apologized for her behavior towards him while trying to become a better person overall, and even changed her anatomy for him) but I also have to remember that Nesta is a character who loves more fiercely than others because she opens herself up to very few people. I just feel like SJM didn’t focus enough on developing Cassian as a character in ACOSF and I hope he improves in future novels, but there are points where he defends her to the IC in this book, is concerned about her safety, is happy that she had made friends and for her successes, and is protective over her. So I’ll admit I’m at a standstill when it comes to him. I feel like Hunt (Crescent City) was what canon Cassian should have been and I feel like SJM writing Crescent City is what made ACOSF suffer because she didn’t put as much effort into this one and you could tell (even though Nessian is a more established ship at this point, she even makes Hunt call Bryce Sweetheart which was originally a Nessian thing) but we shall see what happens with Nessian in future novels, SJM has claimed she could write 1000 more pages about Nesta alone and that she was getting a big arc in the next few books. So hopefully we’ll see more wholesome Nessian scenes where they’re in love with each other.

[hamliet]

I'm confused about the marriage between JFM and YZY i know that JFM repeatably rejected the marriage with YZY but chose after sanran changse ran off with wei changze. do you feel that both JFM and YZY spent the whole time running from their flaws but been confronted with it in their interactions?

I mean... not really running, I guess. It's more like both resented the other and the positions they were forced into; choice becomes a complicated topic when we take into account societal roles and pressures. Actually, I think the JFM/YZY situation plays into the story's theme about family which largely goes over the head of a western audience (myself included in some ways) because we come from a more individualistic culture.

Yu Ziyuan was a woman and it's hard to believe her first choice was marrying a man who repeatedly rejected her, and then she was just "pikachu face jpg" after he didn't love her. There's no way she had power in choosing a husband (it's almost like she then reenacted her lack of choice on her own daughter). Jiang Fengmian bending to the will of his family is similar (also it’s not a coincidence that we hear more about the will of the Jiang family than the Yus--guess which family has more power in general?) The irony is that it's not like other people around them would see what either of them did as a bad choice despite the miserable marriage: they honored their parents' wishes. And that's the point. It's not that honoring parents and family is bad, but it's that one should think critically about these, because if these ideals wind up hurting the kids (as they did!) then... well...

Family is a big thing in Chinese culture, and while I'm no expert, I have read and do think that's an aspect of the novel that westerners really don't grasp--it's a major theme, and some of the actions the characters take (like WWX practicing demonic cultivation to begin with, plus his interactions with the Jiangs) are seen as massively taboo because they disrespect the dead and family. Now, the novel brings things into question: just what is taboo and what is really offensive to family? What is a family anyways? (this is why MDZS more so than any other danmei novel I've read has to have a gay romance as its main conceit--because it breaks ideas of family norms which may be more modern than ancient in Chinese culture but yeah).

Anyways, the fact that YZY and JFM's families arranged this disaster marriage and thereby kind of engineered misery is the point. Which is not to say that YZY or JFM don't bear responsibility for their own choices either, because MDZS does a great job of exploring context, choices, the individual vs. society, and explaining despite not excusing. It's not even to say they are equally culpable in every single aspect with every single child--perspective and individual experience does matter, too, in the novel. The Jiang Situation is intended to help reinforce these themes and to ask the questions about society, responsibility, love and family and limits the novel explores.

*also my answering this is not intended to rehash The Discussion; idk if you're the same person, but as you can probably tell from my going off on a previous anon, this topic--defending neglect/parents who watch kids be physically/verbally abused even if not actively doing so themselves--is extremely triggering for me, and I'm not in a good headspace to talk about it or play a game of excusing.