#i think some sailing and camping/hiking people might be familiar but largely this is for alaska

[babykittenteach]

Day 18

Day 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17

[wildflower8281]

Am I a Gypsy?

Today I sat down at a periwinkle wooden table with lime green cushioney chairs and journaled out how I want my life to look and feel for the next few years. All of the realms of it - feelings, body, home, work, friends, lovers, leisure. I’m currently house & pet sitting in a beautiful home in Scottsdale, with a huge pool, spacious, bright interiors and the sweetest, shaggy dog you’ll ever meet, Murray. It feels like a rather large Airbnb experience to me and has given my mind a place to rest and a bit of a vacay vibe, which is welcome after a few weeks of transition and seeking some new work opportunities.

So here I am: Age 37 and in a place in my life, yet again, where I can totally recreate my world in a new way. I’ve done this a few times already in my life and I look at it as a gift each time, albeit not always arriving when Kelly feels ready, or in the way Kelly thinks it might arrive, but a gift nonetheless - a space in time where I shed a version of myself that is no longer and step into something new, yet at the same time, is still fundamentally me.

(Photo: Current View, #house-sittinglife)

Past and Present

To give some perspective, 10 years ago, Summer 2009, I was halfway into a 4 year stint as a missionary nun in East Harlem, having 5 years of convent life under my belt. I spent a good part of that summer in Guyana, in S. America, living the adventure, sleeping under a mosquito net, driving on the left side of the road and boating down the river to visit remote communities. We organized a girls summer camp, bathed in the river twice a day and slept in tents for 2 weeks. It was pretty awesome honestly. Guyana and Harlem were both vibrant communities, with beautiful people and so many lessons. And yet, that life - as a religious sister - was not one I wanted to live for the rest of mine, so in 2011, I walked and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

(Photo: Bright Lights of Guyana, 2009)

So, when I say I’ve been here before, in this space of recreating my life and who I want to be in this world, I most definitely have been and returning home from the convent was one of those moments. At age 30, I came home from religious life with a few-inches-past-buzzed hair situation, 1 pair of sports pants, a few t-shirts, sneakers and sandals much too worn. For the past 8 years, my identity had been Sister Lumen (and/or Madre Lumen, at least in Harlem)....Now, I had to re-take-up my birth name and being of KellySue...Who the heck is that and what is she like at age 30 out here in this new world where people curse, read magazines and don’t ask permission for things?!

Holy Fucking Shit! (I wrote that honestly prior to realizing the amazing irony of the phrase...needless to say, I’ve come a long way.) Yea, the journey back into ‘the world’ is pretty fantastic actually, even though it’s laced here and there with some tears and fears. Everything from shopping for clothes, applying to jobs, making friends and, gasp, dating is like navigating uncharted waters when you haven’t even really been trained in how to sail. I have an entire post dedicated to “Things They Don’t Tell You When You Leave” here if you’d like to walk through the details: 15 Things They Don't Tell You When You Leave the Convent

So, post-convent I was faced with creating not only a new life in pragmatic ways, but truly a new identity. Or more accurately, finding the original one! So, while I dabbled in teaching and other cool gigs, flitted around with a few cool folks and loved a magical man from Brooklyn, the most important thing I “did” in New Jersey was find KellySue. And it was with that Found-Self that I boarded a 1-way flight to Arizona and knew in my gut the bright, mystical southwest would be my next home, and in many ways my first home - a space and life that I had created from the ground up, from the desires and images in my heart, to the colors that hang on my walls, the geeks and artists I spent my time with and the friends and lovers who have traversed my life here.

(Photo: Essequibo River, Guyana where we camped & bathed for 2 weeks)

And yet today, about 3.5 years into my Phoenix stint, I sit here at this table that 

is not mine, before Life Herself yet again. I have moved on from the Art Center, my first landing and family community here (aside from my real family of course,) a place that held me as I grew and challenged me to thrive. I rent The Dollhouse (a fabulous casita snuggled in the backyard of the main house, in the eclectic hood of #Coronado) and love her very much, but have very few possessions - no car, the bike I ride is not mine, no large appliances. I have clothes, a phone and my laptop. I have a great mattress, 1 dresser, 1 couch, 2 pretty teal chairs and a table from #Target. My smaller tables & most art supplies are from my Aunt, my dishes are from #Goodwillphx, as are mostly everything of decorative purpose. I don’t own many books by choice and prefer the #phxpubliclibrary. Even though I’ve curated my space lovingly and it most definitely echoes my vibe of colorful, bright and cozy - none of it is stuff that anchors me in this city. If someone offered me a job or to house-sit for a few months in Spain or Belize or pretty much anywhere new to me, I’d be off in a heartbeat!

(Photo: Unsplash)

That Time on Mt. Washington

So, today I sit here and ask myself, “Kelly, what do you want in your life?” I dedicate 1 page per theme: Feelings, Home, Work, Friends, Leisure, Lover. And I feel and write, imagine and think. And it crosses my mind more than once that not many people have this luxury. Well, I consider it a luxury! Perhaps some would consider it frightening or some other adjective, who knows?! To be 37, no kids, no pets, no house, no partner (3 out of 4 are very intentional...the 4th is seasonal, lol!) To sit at a table and draft & craft some Life up for the next 3-5-10 years or so. To be open to all the opportunities the Universe offers me, to list and discern and choose things I desire, experiences I want, types of people and energy I seek to feel. To me, this is luxury.

But this moment of vision and serenity hasn’t come without some unrest and many months of annoyance! It’s been a long journey to arrive to this table, to my journal, to feeling calm and open to the Universe’s next plans for me. Read on...

This arises in me every few years now, since I’ve been home. I feel like I’ve landed, I settle in, get cozy and then, kinda little by little, but eventually all of the sudden I look around where I am and my eyes grow wide….

I pause, really look around, almost squinting to make sure, like, “No, it can’t be. Not yet. Not already…” That takes a good 3-4 months.

Then, I sigh and look around again, really feel into the energy of the space I’m in in my life and interiorly nod my head, as I think, “Uh-huh, yep...Alli esta….There it is...Ha llegado la hora…..It’s time.” This phase lasts another 1-2 months….

I think on it, ponder it, hold that feeling between my fingers, feel the texture of it and ask Life, “Really?! Again?! Already?!”

And, as I’m examining this situation from all angles in fits and starts, Life leads me (kicks, shoves me) right out the door because It Is fucking time, Kelly!

She ushers me into a brand new space (in all the senses) and opens the Doors of this new space so wide that the bright light actually hurts at first glance…

Like some aching pain, squinting, not seeing quite clearly, some fear, uncertainty, wanting to turn around and run back to where it’s darker, but familiar and I’m good at the stuff back there….

One thing the convent teaches you is humility….for better or worse, ha (#chapteroffaults.) It is a good virtue to possess and it has been a tool I have wielded in these moments in my life many times, a trusty friend if used wisely and, seemingly ironically, with confidence. Because humility allows me to be a novice each time, to be Ever-the-Learner, to be always open to the new. Humility allows me to be ok with not knowing everything, to be ok with being the new girl yet again, to be ok with waking up for weeks on end not knowing where you’re going to land, but trusting that you will, indeed, land, and land amazingly well because that’s what you do! Because ultimately, humility is not just relying on myself. It’s Me & The Universe. It’s trusting the shove out the door and believing the blinding light will one day actually clearly guide your path onto your next adventure and into a fuller version of yourself. Humility is like that time we (the nuns) hiked down Mt. Washington as the sun was setting, lead by only a flashlight, in the dark, wet forest, holding hands and trusting that if the sister in front of you landed her step safely, then the tiny light was all you also only needed to land safely. Humility allows for the one small step at a time, even if you don’t see the end or full picture yet, you know the Universe is showing you what you need in the moment you need it….

Also, Nature Herself is Humble, so there’s that….

Trees thrive where they’re planted.

Flowers are brilliantly radiant, yet silent.

The Ocean ebbs and flows forever without fanfare.

Birds unknowingly bring joy with their songs.

Mountains rise in splendor and ask no glory.

Gypsy Secrets

For someone who left the missionary life proper, who considers herself a homebody and most definitely a lover of the reliable routine, I find it funny that in the grand scheme of things, I actually move through life quite like a #gypsy! I’ve always been someone who leads with simplicity and doesn’t need many material items to feel happy, and I have never set an anchor in a place so deep that it forfeited my freedom to roam - a desire I’m learning is an essential part of my being. It’s a paradox of myself that I find really interesting. I will be the most reliable worker, on top of all my shit, I will work out faithfully and read daily, I eat the same things most days because I like them….and yet, every 4 years or so I will hop on a plane, take of my habit, walk out of a job and just fling myself into the Universe in this kind of radical, unconventional way (‘You’re leaving your job and you don’t have the next one lined up?!’….I’ve done this now 3x in my life quite successfully thankyouverymuch!) only to be explained by a feeling inside of me that I can no longer ignore. Or, more accurately, that no longer lets me ignore it. And so I go, I leave, I move, I reconsider, I recast dreams, I open, I sigh alot...I take that one clear step and then breathe, wondering what the next version of myself and my life will taste and feel like, grateful for the adventure and most importantly, knowing that “home” is not a place, but rather is within me, the liberating secret that every true #gypsy lives by.