#i think my problem was actually that she kept doingnit outloud
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I know he was sedated, but to me he died right then. Because that's not what he looks like when he's asleep.
#had to put my cat down earlier today#having a lot of thoughts and feelings about it as youd expect#hated that i didnt get to be there for his actual death because his veins were too small for the catheter thing so they had to use a kidney#stick and didnt want us back there#so they sedated him and then took him back#hated that. not their fault but hated it#hated that my mom kept trying to reassure herself he had a good life#i think my problem was actually that she kept doingnit outloud#who am i to judge how someone greives but who are you to impair my own process etc#if im to make compromise why are you not to do the same#i didnt like that he was cold. that was part of the issue his blood pressure was so low#his little paws ans ears were cold#he can die if he needs to but i dont want him to be cold like what a fucking#what a fucking#i dont know. how terrible to be uncomfortable while youre saying goodbye#i spent most of the day chasing sunbeams so that he could lay in my lap and be warm because my body temp wasnt enough to warm him up#and when they sedated him they just had him laying on his stomach and one of his paws was out in a way i knew he would have adjusted and his#tail was hanging off the table and he wouldnt have liked that either and it just made me so mad#because hes not comfortable and no one fixed it and#two very small things but thats whats sticking with me right now#im angry its winter and he was cold and he was sleeping uncomfortably#im not angry he died. im sad but he was 18 years old#and thats not really anyones fault#especially not his#my speaking tag#i think ppl generally tag stuff like this 'delete later' but i hate deleting things so uh#woe. cat feelings be upon ye#also am i well adjusted or am i repressing OR secret third option am i autistic#questions the world will never have an answer to.
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