#i think my personal notes on this design is...slightly thinner face. and a longer forehead

[bluegiragi]

messing around with simon's face again...

[ikenbar]

Mr. Love: Ike’s Choice Ch4 PT3

Quick Author’s note!!

I am currently revising the story of Chapter four. I was reading it over and realized I didn’t quite capture Victor like he is in the game. So I’m making some adjustments to the story. In doing so I may be late to some uploads. I ask you please to be patient with me. I love that I have fans who are intrigued in Ike’s story. Honestly it’s what wakes me up in the morning! And I want to release the best content for you to enjoy. 

Thank you all so much for your patience and I hope you enjoy Ikamara’s story!!

~Ike ‘n Bar Productions

Warnings: Some nice juicy Victor angst, also fluff, and foreshadowing, and backstory (oh my!), and don’t forget the good ol’ cliffhangers! :D

Some of the lines were taken from the game Mr. Love: A Queen’s Choice.  In this case, it was taken from Chapter ten. :)

(Chapter Four (Victor and Gavin) Prologue, and part one, and two can be found here!)

Please read the author’s note (and the beginning of the story) on chapter one part one if you’re new here :D

Chapter four:

Part three:

Victor had come back. He was hanging his coat on the coat rack, eyeing me carefully. I muted the tv and addressed him, “It’s nothing. I was just thinking. What are you doing back here so late?”

“I told you I was coming back, didn’t I?” Victor walked over to the desk at the corner of the room, “Didn’t the doctor tell you to keep your voice in a whisper?”

“The doctor doesn’t have to know.” I grumbled mostly to myself, “I’m fine. It doesn’t hurt. Anyway, didn’t you just get off from work? Don’t you want to be home?”

“Why are you so concerned?” Victor picked up the briefcase that was hidden underneath the desk as he eyed me, “Are you trying to get me to leave?” 

“No.” I said absentmindedly, “Just curious.” Victor arched his eyebrow but said nothing more as he opened his briefcase. He started placing the folders and papers delicately inside. “How are you feeling?" Victor asked casually, keeping most of his focus on packing his things, "How is your arm?”

“I’m perfect!” I dramatically answered, “I can speak just fine and I can’t even feel any pain in my arm! I bet I don’t even need to be here for five days! I should be released tonight!”

Victor hummed, “Nice try.”

I grunted and sank in my bed. Silence droned through the room. The only sound that could be heard was by Victor as he shuffled around the papers at his desk. But soon, even that sound stopped. I looked over just as Victor picked up the bowl. I sat up in the bed and opened my mouth to speak.

“Where did you get this spoon?” Victor unknowingly interrupted, holding up the lion headed spoon by the hilt for me to see. I closed my mouth.

“I was going to ask you the same-” I choked on my words, “... Wait the spoon? Why the spoon?”

“... It looks handmade.” Victor said, looking at the lion’s head closely. “It’s… an interesting design.”

“... I don’t know.” I answered honestly, “We’ve had that spoon for as long as I remember. Why do you have Maria’s bowl?”

Victor eyed me, “...Maria, brought it in when she first came to visit. Bart had told her that I was the one… looking after you. She wanted to show her appreciation so she made pudding and gave it to me in this bowl... She also made sure to mention it was your recipe.” I rolled my eyes. That pudding had always been her favorite thing that I made. She never hesitated to seize the opportunity to brag about it. “Maria said this spoon was deemed the special spoon in her house and that she felt as if I deserved it. What do mean by ‘as long as you remember?’” 

I arched my eyebrow. "Why are you so interested in my spoon?"

"Just curious." Victor teased. I looked at him a moment longer then sighed and looked away from Victor. Faint memories clouded my thoughts.

 “I’ve had that specific spoon with me since I was a kid." I answered honestly, "I've brought it with me from foster house to foster house. I don’t know when or how I got it but, for some reason, I feel connected to it. Like I had it for a reason. It’s almost as if I needed to return it to someone or something. Maria calls it the special spoon because I’ve kept it with me for so long. She saw it as a right of passage to her when I let her add it to the other silverware. It’s a rule in their house that we only use it for the special kids. So,” I looked back up at Victor and smirked, “Congrats.” 

He just trained his eyes on mine, maintaining his poker face and seemingly taking everything I said seriously. When I finished speaking, Victor hummed quietly and looked over to the spoon again. After a moment of silence, he spoke up. “How did you like the pudding?” I dropped my smirk. Victor always had a knack for throwing me off my guard.

“What?” I asked stupidly. 

“The pudding that I had made you. From your night at Souvenir.”

I blinked.

I slapped my forehead and cursed, “Ah, I haven’t eaten it. I crashed when I got home and then had dinner at my parent’s house and forgot about it. Maybe I can get Gavin to bring it-”

“Don’t worry about it.” Victor shifted to face his desk again, “I’ll make you some more while you’re here.” I hesitated

“... You don’t have to do that. You’ve done enough.”

“What? Are you worried my pudding will be better than yours?”

“If your pudding is anything like your stake. I know it will be." I grumbled, "What I’m saying is-”

“I know what you’re saying.” Victor interrupted, “It won’t be any trouble. Just worry about yourself and your health.” I stared at Victor. His profile was as sharp and strong as ever. But his face was drawn and his hair was messier than usual. Not only that, but he looked as if he had gotten thinner.

“No.” I answered without realizing it. Victor turned to me with an arched eyebrow.

“Excuse me?” His tone was harsh. It was obvious that the CEO of LFG didn’t get told 'no' often. I folded my arms defiantly.

“I said, 'no.' You’re telling me to take care of myself when you’re going out of your way to take care of my company. I’m fine. It’s just a scratchy throat and a wound I can’t even feel. You shouldn’t have to-”

“Do you think I don’t have the ability to take care of the company and you at the same time?” Victor asked this in a defiant tone.

“No. You can do anything you put your mind to.”

“Then why are you bringing this up so suddenly?”

“I just… I don’t want yet another person getting hurt because of me.” My voice was nearly inaudible. Images from the explosions pushed into my vision. Sights of people under the rubble, screams for help, unconscious coworkers,... Gavin’s lifeless body in my arms. 

I cringed and tightened my hands on the sheets, keeping my eyes down but not focusing on a thing. The room was silent, making the empty sound of the television monitor fill the room. 

“...Ike.” Victor said this slowly, as if readying himself for something, “Earlier you said something about the explosion being your fault.” I froze, “What did you mean by that?” I hesitated. 

“I don’t know.” I murmured quietly, “... Maybe if I had been a little nicer to my employees then I wouldn’t have had a bomb thrown in my window.” Victor didn’t say anything. After a moment, the clacking of his work shoes approached my bed. I looked up and saw he was looking at me gravely.

“That kind of a connection requires a lot of thinking.” He said in a tone that matched his expression perfectly.

“Is that another way of calling me a ‘dummy?’” I asked, raising an eyebrow and resting my head on my hand.

“I’m saying you’d need time to think about it.” Victor folded his arms and frightened his glare on me further, “This morning, after you had made that accusation, you wouldn’t have had the time to make that connection. So let me ask you again.” Victor leaned forward and slowed the pace of his speech, 

“Under what pretense do you have to blame yourself?”

 I stayed silent, flipping between Victor’s eyes.  Words hung at the edge of my throat. Just tell him. My thoughts urged me incessantly, Just tell him about the mask. About the bombings. About Montu. Tell him everything. He’ll listen. I opened my mouth. 

Suddenly, one thought hit my head like a train.

I quickly turned and stood up from my bed, putting it between Victor and me. “I don’t remember my life being any of your concern.” My voice was emotionless and distant as I walked towards the bathroom door, “You’re my boss. My personal life shouldn’t have anything to do wi-”

A hand wrapped around my wrist and, before I could help it, I was pulled towards a firm chest. I scoffed and looked up, locking eyes with Victor. He glared down at me. I waited for him to speak but he made no move to do so. I pushed off of his chest with my free hand, only to have it captured by Victor’s other hand. He pulled it to the side and away from me, making me virtually defenseless. 

I glared up at him, but stopped the moment I read his expression. Victor’s eyebrows were furrowed, his lips were thin, and his cheeks were slightly tucked in. But, as I looked into his inky black eyes, one emotion became clear.

Determination.

“Victor,” I growled, “What are you-”

“Do you remember what I had said after your night at Souvenir?” Victor spoke seriously. I flinched. Victor waited for me to answer but, after seeing I wasn’t going to, sighed and said, “I told you that keeping things to yourself isn’t healthy. I told you you could confide in me about anything.  I told you that I would help. I promised you. Did you not believe me?” My shoulders slowly eased as I read his face. He showed no signs of deceit, no break in character, no falter in his voice. It was all the truth. He meant it… but why? Why would he say that? What was his reason to-

“You have spent your whole life to yourself.” As if reading my mind, Victor spoke up again, “You have felt the need to keep everything to yourself, to never let anyone in. You don’t need to think about it that way anymore. You have a loving family, friends, employees…” Victor paused a moment. He loosened his hold around my wrists and drifted his hands up my arms until he was at my upper arms. He squeezed them gently, “... you have me.” I hitched my breath. A lump formed in my throat and my eyes welled with water.

I have waited so long to hear those words.

...

I shook my head and blinked back my tears as I forced my eyes to the floor. I raised my hands and pushed against Victor’s chest.

“V-victor.” I struggled against the lump in my throat, “That’s why… that’s why I can’t tell you. I… can’t lose-” 

Victor forced my hands off of him and, in one swift motion, pulled me into his chest. He wrapped his arms around my body, shutting me out of the world around us and engulfing me in his warmth. The smell of his expensive cologne plugged my nose and the sound of the buzzing television was overtaken by his steady breathing and beating heart. I could feel his breath tickling my ear as he rested his head beside mine, closing the distance between us even further.

My body tensed as a sharp blush pushed through my cheeks. I kept my hands held out past Victor’s body, unsure of what to do with them. I felt Victor shift his head, his mouth grazing the tip of my ear. His warm breath teased the baby hairs on my neck causing a shiver to run through my body. His next words were told in a whisper but they stopped my heart and made my mind go blank. After years of waiting for those words, they finally came from the mouth of LFG’s CEO.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

I paused a moment, letting his words reverberate through my head. Then, I felt my whole body relax. The tears I had tried so hard to hold back started falling down my cheeks. Victor took this moment to pull me even closer to him. Without hesitation, he continued, “No matter what happens, I’m here for you. You don’t have to hide in the dark anymore. Ikamara, 

“Let me help you.” 

Victor’s last words sent another shudder through my heart. I closed my eyes and, after a moment’s hesitation, buried my head in his shoulder. I shakily grabbed onto the back of his suit jacket. I squeezed the fabric tightly, as if letting it go would mean my death. I relished in the moment. Hoping that, at least in that moment, time would stop forever, and I would never have to leave his arms again. 

But, as soon as I thought that, flashes of the warehouse came flooding to my mind and played behind my closed eyelids. The chained front door, the empty classrooms, the secret room, the pictures... my pictures, the explosion, the lake,... Gavin.

I held back a sob as I gripped on to Victor’s jacket tighter. 

No. 

The word repeated itself in my head over and over, No. no no no NO! Please. Please just let me have this moment. Please let me take it in. Take him in.  I can’t keep this charade any longer. I can’t keep all of this to myself any longer. I need to vent it out. I needed to say something. 

Anything. 

The thought from before burned itself on the front of my brain. The same thought that made me want to distance myself from Lucien after that date. The thought that made me lie to Gavin’s face. The thought that made me scared to meet Kiro. The thought that stopped me from seeing my family as frequently as I wanted. The thought that terrified me to the core.

You’re putting their life in danger by letting him know.

So, through my watery eyes and aching heart, I muttered two short, strained words.

“I can’t.”

(Next)

[howtomakeagingersnap-blog]

Ready Player One, p.2

I’ve written an essay to expand on my previous blog in order to discuss some of the points that I was unable to in my initial post. I hope you enjoy!  I’ll be including a link to the PDF of the full essay, including a MLA8 bibliography, in my next post, but to prevent any accessibility issues, I’ve posted it below as well. 

Ready Player One was published by Ernest Cline in 2011 amidst the emergence of virtual reality as a new gaming platform. The book was adapted into a movie, with mass commercial success, in later years, and has become a cult favorite amongst gamers and fans of pop culture. Despite it’s success, the book reflects many of the problems inherent in gaming culture and has an extremely problematic protagonist. The book was drastically different from the movie, primarily in it’s depiction of the protagonist, Wade Watts, also known by his online username, Parzival. Ready Player One is set in a dystopian future where climate change, a lack of natural resources, worldwide war, and various other disasters have driven humanity to primarily dwell in an online, virtual reality space known fittingly as the OASIS (Cline, 2).

Created by game developer James Halliday, the OASIS is the heart of this new modern society. Commerce, employment, education, and entertainment are all based in this virtual world (Cline, 21). Users utilize haptic clothing that’s able to translate physical sensation to their real body in order to fully immerse themselves in this VR universe (Cline, 38). Upon Halliday’s death, the release of his will revealed an Easter Egg challenge (Cline, 2), wherein users must discover hidden gems within the OASIS and solve complicated riddles. The first to solve all the riddles and claim the final Easter Egg would claim ownership over the entire OASIS, essentially controlling the economy, education, and entertainment of all of humanity as well as claiming 240 billion dollars that Halliday left behind (Cline, 8).

Naturally, a frenzy to claim this fortune ensued, with millions of self described “gunters” (egg-hunters) searching for the elusive Easter Egg. One corporation, IOI, dedicated an entire department to the Hunt, with the goal of claiming the OASIS and creating an ultra-capitalistic online society. “They would charge a monthly fee for access to the simulation. They would plaster advertisements on every visible surface. User anonymity and free speech would become things of the past. […] the OASIS would cease to be the open-source virtual utopia [Wade had] grown up in. It would become a corporate-run dystopia, an overpriced theme park for wealthy elites” (Cline, 50). Employees of IOI become known as Sixers, due to the fact that each of their avatar names begins with a 6 (Cline, 51). Wade holds a particular disdain towards these individuals, believing that the corporation they work for is corrupt, even going so far as to describe “joining the sixers […] a lot like joining the military” (Cline, 51).

Wade’s quest to save the OASIS from the clutches of IOI is one of epic proportion, which is reflected in his choice of username- Parzival. Parzival stems from the Arthurian legend of the Holy Grail, wherein one of King Arthur’s round table knights, Percival, is the only knight pure of heart enough to claim the Grail for Arthur. This speaks volumes about Wade’s perception of himself. In reality, Wade is far from noble or pure of heart, and is the last individual one might consider to be chivalrous. In the real world, Wade is “a painfully shy, awkward kid, with low self-esteem and almost no social skills” (Cline 45). Face to face interaction makes him an anxious mess, and he has no confidence in his ability to hold a conversation with another person in reality.

His appearance, he believes, is a primary source of the problem. He is overweight, partially due to his working class origin and “bankrupt diet of government subsidized sugar-and-starch-laden food” (Cline 46), but primarily due to the fact that he is a self-described OASIS addict, “so the only exercise [he] usually got […] was from running away from bullies” (Cline 46). Once Wade enrolled in OASIS based schooling, even that bit of exercise was taken from him, and the only physical activity he is able to get is from going to and from the hideout where he keeps his VR equipment. Wade believes that his financial position contributes to his social ostracization as well, with his “limited wardrobe consisted entirely of ill-fitting clothes from thrift stores and donation bins- the social equivalent of having a bulls-eye painted on [his] forehead” (Cline 46).

In all actuality, the majority of Wade’s social issues stem from a need to overcompensate for his insecurities, which is evident by his constant need to one-up his peers with his 80’s knowledge and gaming skills. That knowledge and skill set are Wade’s sole redeeming attributes, but he tends to shove them in the faces of his peers, which ultimately just further contributes to his ostracization. In his interactions with his friend Aech and bully I-r0k, he repeatedly feels the need to show off and call others who choose to spend their time following other, non-Hunt related pursuits posers (Cline, 67). He invalidates anyone he feels threatened by, and even seems to flip the script on his bullies by taking things too far and humiliating them publicly in front of their friends and peers, even questioning their intelligence and posing questions that he knows full well that only he knows the answer to (Cline, 68).

When Wade defeats I-r0k in their informal trivia competition, the “crowd burst into applause”- a common trope in falsified stories told by individuals on social media seeking praise from their peers. It seems inevitable that an individual with these behavioral patterns would be excluded by their peers, considering that Wade’s hubris and holier-than-thou attitude are generally considered to be character flaws by the majority of people. His self-perception is simultaneously that of an inflated ego and insecure child, which can be seen in how he designs his avatar.

Despite stating that he designed his “avatar’s face and body to look, more or less, like [his] own,” (Cline 41) Wade also states that his avatar “had a slightly smaller nose than [him], and he was taller. And thinner. And more muscular. And he didn’t have any teenage acne. But aside from those minor details, [they] looked more or less identical” (Cline 41). The changes Wade describes, if made in reality, would require extensive plastic surgery, weight loss programs, an extensive and consistent workout plan, and either medication or laser treatment. Those are not minor details. Those are the sort of modifications that drastically change one’s appearance- a full make-over, more extensive even than most movie makeovers. Wade’s perception of himself is so distorted that he considers these modifications to be inconsequential, while in reality, they would likely make him unrecognizable to any of his peers that he may run into in reality.

Wade is a problematic protagonist. Examining Ready Player One as a reflection of the under-addressed culture of sexism, ego, and toxic competitivity in gaming and nerd culture as a whole reveals disturbing conclusions about that world. Wade’s relationship with Art3mis, for example, is genuinely terrifying to female readers, as it reflects many of their own toxic experiences with male gamers in a glorified, normalized and romanticized light. Wade has a longstanding history of putting women up on pedestals and assigning almost mythic qualities to them in a way that’s dehumanizing and invalidating as well as toxically unrealistic.

In real life, he doesn’t even consider himself worthy of speaking to a woman. To him, “they were like some exotic alien species, both beautiful and terrifying. Whenever [he] got near one of them, [he] invariably broke out in a cold sweat and lost the ability to speak in complete sentences” (Cline 46). This is an extremely toxic and dangerous way of thinking, and is unfortunately common in modern society. Women are constantly held to unrealistic standards, portrayed almost as a form of deity right up until the moment that they no longer fit the description assigned to them, at which point the illusion shatters and they’re often rejected. In his interactions with Art3mis, this toxic ideal is reflected constantly in his descriptions of her appearance, personality, and their dialogue.

Before meeting Art3mis, Wade had stalked her blog for over three years, rabidly consuming every bit of content that she had posted. He became the worst kind of fanboy, even going so far as to obsessively save every single screenshot she posted of her avatar to his hard drive, most likely for masturbatory purposes (Cline 53). This behavior alone is a major red flag. He describes her avatar’s appearance in a manner that indicates a distinct disconnect from reality, idolizing Art3mis’s attractiveness because it “had the distinctive look of a real person’s, as if her true features had been scanned in and mapped onto her avatar” (Cline 53). She was beautiful, but she wasn’t perfect in the unnatural manner that many other OASIS avatars are, which means that she’s less threatening to Wade.

Wade is clearly intimidated by beauty, most likely due to his own insecurities, and Art3mis’s realistic (by Wade’s standards, and it’s important to remember here that his interactions with women in reality are limited) look is able to allow him to feel attracted to her without feeling like she’s better than him, which satisfies his inferiority complex. Wade describes her body as atypical as well, noting that the majority of female avatars choose from one of two body shapes- “the absurdly thin yet wildly popular supermodel frame, or the top-heavy, wasp wasted porn starlet physique” (Cline 54). The fact that he relates both of these body types to industries where women are exploited for and reduced to their physical appearance is telling to Wade’s view of women.

His description of Art3mis, however, still describes an unrealistic beauty standard. “Big hazel eyes, rounded cheekbones, a pointy chin, and a perpetual smirk. […] Art3mis’s frame was short and Ruben-esque. All curves” (Cline 53-54). When describing her armor, he uses sexual imagery to evoke a sensual mental picture of her, describing the pistols as “slung low on her hips” (Cline 137), and her melee weapon as a “long, curved elvish sword” (Cline 137-138), even reducing her entire image to “in a word: hot” (Cline 138). Later, when considering facing her in combat, he merely describes this as he would any male gamer’s armor- “Body armor. Body pistols. And that elvish sword she was carrying might be vorpal” (Cline 140), in distinct contrast to his initial description, which confirms that he was viewing her as a woman first and a gamer second, which invalidates her entire character.

Art3mis as a character exists solely to reinforce Wade’s ego and to be the secondary “prize” to winning the Hunt, as the protagonist inevitably gets the girl of his dreams after successfully claiming the final Egg. Wade repeatedly describes her writing style as self-deprecating, rambling, and assumes that her posts are full of misinformation, despite never mentioning any evidence to support that (Cline 53). It’s necessary for Art3mis to be self-deprecating, because this ensures that she lacks the confidence to be any real threat to Wade’s success. Her rambling, mentioned repeatedly in almost every description and interaction with her, is a reflection of the stereotype that women talk too much and makes her socially awkward enough to be Wade’s peer. It allows her to maintain her celebrity status while still being accessible to someone as socially incompetent as Wade, which is vital to their romance. Wade needs a Player Two, not a Player One, and Art3mis’s personality is a convenient way to ensure her role as his secondary once their relationship develops. This is a deliberate authorial choice, intentionally made to allow for the protagonist to “get the girl” at the end, despite him stalking her online for three years before they even met.

Known today as “stan culture”, stan is a shortened abbreviation of the term “stalker-fan”. It originated in 2000 when the rapper Eminem released a song entitled “Stan”, about a fan who becomes alarmingly obsessed with the rapper and eventually comes unhinged and violent when his fan letters went unanswered, according to Lauren Miller in her article about the psychology of stan culture (Miller, 2018). Kaitlyn Williams, a graduate of Stanford University, in an award-winning essay detailing videogame harassment towards female gamers, details some of the horrific experiences some female gamers commonly have. In the world of gaming, female gamers are frequently stalked online and harassed, even receiving multitudes of messages threatening murder, rape, and violence, among other threats and abusive comments (Williams, 72).

Wade’s obsession would most likely be alarming, in Art3mis’ eyes, even frightening. Her behavior is unrealistic and indulgent to the author’s own fantasies, and her lack of reaction to the multitude of red-flag behaviors Wade displays in her presence is telling to the Cline’s own lack of understanding of women and female gamers in particular. In addition, the invalidating nature of the author’s description of her skills speaks volumes to both Wade’s and his own inferiority complexes. In the Tomb of Horrors, where the first challenge of the Hunt takes place, Art3mis is unable to defeat the enemy after five weeks of grinding, yet Wade manages to succeed on his first try. In everything Art3mis does, she’s the best of the best, but always seems to come second to Wade, despite his own apparent lack of skills (Cline 149). This is because of her function as Wade’s Player Two. She has to be the best, so that his skills look that much more impressive when compared to hers.

Ready Player One is a cultural classic, one which predicts the advancement of virtual reality technology and the downfall of human civilization with startling clarity, but it is also reflective of many of the problems currently facing the industry. Rampant sexism, egos reinforced by valueless skills, and unrealistic views of others are all issues that the gaming industry is currently experiencing. The author, Ernest Cline, is far from exempt from these issues, and the evidence is clear in his depictions of his characters and online romance. Cline himself is a victim of that disconnect from reality that Wade experiences, and much of the book seems like a self-indulgent fantasy meant to fulfill a savior complex. The sense of entitlement that Wade feels for Halliday’s fortune likely reflects Cline’s own sense of entitlement to recognition and fame. Wade’s relationship with Art3mis is unbalanced, toxic, and dangerous, yet he still manages to win her over in the end, because she’s his Player Two. As virtual reality continues to develop and gaming becomes increasingly popular, many of these issues are coming to light in the media, with massive controversy as to how they should be handled. Moving forward, it is important to consider these implications while developing new games and platforms.