#i think loop should get to be a weird ass furry. they deserve it.

[dailyloopdeloop]

DAY 13: the creature lisa frank edition

[ramblinganthropologist]

Aftershock

Summary: Joker finds it hard to adjust to a new Normandy, and it’s not just because of the leather seats. What the fuck do you even say to the guy you got killed because you wouldn’t abandon ship?

---

Alright. He had this.

Joker was doing his best not to fidget as he sat there, waiting. On the other side of the door, he could hear the conversation. His new boss was introducing the newest member of the team to what they had been working on while he was out. For most people, that was normal.

Problem was, his boss was the Illusive Man and the other guy in the room had died two years ago.

Honestly, he still couldn't believe it. Even when the man had come to him to swipe him from the Alliance, it sounded like a fantasy. After all, even the best scientists couldn't bring back the dead – fuck, they couldn't even fix his bones. The fact he was insisting that somehow he managed to...

It still hurt to think about. Joker had tried to avoid thinking about it over the last two years, but there was no denying the fact he had gotten the first human Spectre killed in his attempt to go down with the Normandy. It was impossible to – whenever he saw any of the old crew, it was there in their eyes.

Like he needed reminding.  Every time he closed his eyes he could still see the commander drifting further into space.  

Speaking of the commander... he could hear footsteps. Shepard had always been a light walker – he was pretty sure Chakwas had said he walked on his toes too damn much. Something about arthritis or something; maybe Cerberus reinforced his toe joints. That's what he would've done anyway if he was in charge of putting the man back together.

That, and maybe throwing a dick in. The commander deserved that much.

“The fuck is going on...”

A soft, Irish-accented voice sent a shiver up Joker's spine. It was a voice he would have never expected to hear again, at least not live. There were already a few Shepard VI's out there, but they never got the accent right. This one was right on the money.

He got to watch as the man of the hour entered the room, his back to him. Joker felt his heart stop, then restart at the sight of Shepard walking through the door like two years hadn't just passed.  He looked... whole. Alive. Not being sucked into the vacuum of space.

“Hey, Commander. Just like old times, huh?”

Joker's mouth worked before his brain did. It was a common affliction he was often used to dealing with. Honestly, he had wanted to at least, you know, apologize for getting the guy killed and all. That was going to have to wait for later, because the man of the hour turned to face him.

They'd fixed his eye.

“Joker?” Two blue eyes blinked – he probably wasn't used to seeing out of both. Couldn't exactly blame the guy if he was adjusting to double vision all over again. He looked weird without the scar cutting through the right side of his face.

Luckily, he had plenty of open wounds glowing bright fucking red to make up for it.

Joker's stomach flopped. Shepard's face had a long cut along his jaw and across his right eye. You could almost see under the skin, to the glowing implants that hadn't finished healing over just yet. Maybe a few more months under would have closed that up, but they hadn't had the time. Now they were just big gaping slices.

His weak knees shook, but he stayed firm as the commander walked through the door. At least he was still the same shrimpy height – came up to about his jaw in the heavy boots he wore. Joker braced for anything. Hell, he'd probably deserve getting biotic blasted into a wall at this point. Hopefully they had a medic on hand for all the bones he was about to break.

“Wasn't expecting to see you here.”

Shepard's eyes and voice were as calm as ever as they started walking, Joker just a half step behind. With the bigger guys – like their old XO – he'd be almost two. Shepard was slowing down for him probably, given they both dealt with the same issue of having to run after bigger people. He was a good guy that way.

“Look whose talking, I saw you get spaced.”

Open mouth, insert broken foot into shattered jaw. Joker regretted it the moment the words left his mouth. Immediately he braced for the biotics, or at least to be told to fuck off. Neither of those came. In the end, it wasn't this Shepard's style.

Instead, he offered an awkward grin that didn't quite reach his repaired eye. “Yeah... well, I got better. Mostly.”

His hand twitched towards the gaping open wound on his jaw, but stopped somewhere around his shoulder. Then it went back to his side, looping into the empty holster where a little red pistol should have been.

Last Joker had heard, his sister had that. It was one of the few things  they had found from the commander, and it had been in so many pieces it looked like somebody had smashed it with a hammer. Probably would've matched its owner now.

A lump formed in Joker's throat. “Look-”

“Hopefully the implants heal up. I really don't enjoy walking around like a living light display.” Another awkward grin. “Besides, I've been told red makes me look too ruddy. Think I could hack them to blue without breaking anything?”

Sometimes, it was hard to understand Shepard. Joker chalked it up to a biotic thing, or maybe it was brain damage from one of those N7 training missions. It was one of those moments where he just couldn't get what was going on under that mop of red hair.

He would've been mad. Shepard should have been ready to fucking kill him... he would've deserved it, after all.

“Just don't turn your pancreas off, it barely functions now.” He fell back on jokes as they started to walk towards the window. Their new ride was waiting for them – all it needed was a name. At least this helped him feel better, even as the guilt ate at his stomach.

“You think they would've replaced that.” Shepard shrugged his shoulders. “Anyway, you're supposed to show me something? I hope it's a new hamster cage, I need something small and furry in my life again.”

Leave it to the commander to fall back on his husbandry. Still, it allowed Joker to grin a little as he approached the window. Below them, the SR-2 slowly cruised into view. Thanks to the angle, the pilot got a perfect view of his CO's face. Both of Shepard's eyes widened as he braced against the glass as if he was seeing his lover at the spaceport again.

“It's good to be home, huh commander?”

Even through everything, Joker had to smile as they started their descent towards the docking bay. In a matter of hours, they would be in the air again. It would be like it was before... or at least that's what he hoped for as he limped behind his commanding officer.

But... he still couldn't shake the feeling in his stomach.

---

“You seem upset, Mr. Moreau.”

Yeah, anyone would be with fucking EDI in the cockpit.

Joker shot a glare over his left shoulder as he leaned back in his seat. “I'm fine, EDI. Don't try to play any AI mind games on me.”

“That is not in my programming.” A likely story. It was built by the Illusive Man, therefore it got his asshole personality. “A data scan shows elevated heart rate and - “

He tuned the AI out as it rambled off his symptoms. Instead, he kept his eyes on the glass in front of him. Right then, they were in a holding pattern at a docking bay. The shore party had left about two hours ago, and the lack of echoing gunfire gave him the feeling things were going pretty well. Shepard could be the model of ammo conservation for how he tried to use his words over a pistol. It would have been admirable, but it stopped being so when people tried to shoot him anyway.

Still, he tried. A for effort.

“- decreased serotonin. Your focus is off.”

EDI's voice drew him back to reality. He glanced over at the blue orb to his left. It was flashing, probably waiting for his input. So Joker turned his chair around so he could ignore the damn thing and its blue light. Let it wait, it wasn't its business anyway.

“The shore party is returning from their mission and heading to decontamination.”

That made him sit up in his seat. He could see them now, off to the left and heading for the docking bay. Apart from some dirty armor, the trio looked pretty good. Even better, he was getting a call to Alliance command. Guess they had gotten the guys out after all.

“Leave it to Shepard to talk his way out of shit.” He turned in his chair, towards the Normandy's entrance. It would open with a slight hiss once decontamination was complete and everyone was safe. After that, Garrus would head to the battery to calibrate the stick up his ass, Mordin would go play god in a lab, and...

He frowned as he watched the door hiss. The three stepped into the small hallway, weapons holstered. Mordin was talking about three hundred miles a minute about something, with the other two party members giving their tech input. Leave it to a bunch of nerds to come up with something like that.

“Commander Shepard has returned to the ship. XO Shepard stands relieved.”

Joker watched as the only human in the party nodded towards EDI. He held his breath, watching as the man's eyes started to slide towards him. Just as they started, they stopped dead. Then his shoulders sagged under his black armor and he turned on his heel to walk to the nearest terminal to send off a message.

“Right... good talk.”

The words died under his breath as he turned in his chair back to facing out to space. Once Shepard gave the order, they'd be back in FTL drive to the next planet that needed his special touch. Another mission where he wouldn't look at him.

There were 7 of those now.

“Mr. Moreau, your-”

Man, he wished that damn thing had a mute button.

Joker shot the blue orb a dirty look as his fingers found the controls. Might as well be ready for when his commanding officer needed him to do his job or something. Better yet, it made it less likely for EDI to want to continue the conversation. He might not like the AI, but he was learning how to fuck with it.

“I'm fine, EDI.” Even he had to wince at his tone. With any luck, the AI wouldn't pick it up. Of course, its damn orb surface was flashing like a Mass Relay on red sand, so it was working through something big. Whatever it was, it could shove it up its nonexistent ass.

Where would that be on an AI anyway? In the central core? He'd go down there and shove it in himself if it kept him from having to hear it.

“Your stress levels suggest otherwise.” Something about that even, pleasant voice really pissed him off. Sadly, it wasn't work breaking another finger trying to find a mute button. All Joker could do was sit there and scowl at the damn thing. No matter what he did, EDI just kept flashing away with that metaphorical dose of red sand.

He was pretty sure the Illusive Man had set that port up in the cockpit just to fuck with him. What a nice guy.

“We've got the Collectors on our ass, anyone would be stressed.”

“Your stress spikes whenever Commander Shepard returns from a mission. Most evidence would suggest the opposite.”

Well, EDI could shove that up their nonexistent ass too. Hopefully it was big enough to fit all that. Maybe with a little pushing, he could make it work.

“The guy gives people ulcers, what can I say.” He shrugged, carefully, to avoid breaking something. “Never know when he's going to bring some new alien in as a friend.”

Speaking of – his com channel was blinking in the way it did when Shepard was trying to call him. This button he definitely risked breaking a finger on as he pounded it. Judging from the lack of static, he was out of uniform.

“Joker? We're going to need to head back to the Citadel. The council wants to see me.”

Normally, it was hard to tell how Shepard felt about things. As long as he had his meds, he was pretty calm and even tempered. Even off them, it wasn't that bad. This, though? Joker had to wince as the pure annoyance leaked through like never before. Hell, he sounded like he was gritting his teeth as he spoke. That... was new.

“The Citadel? That's a bit of a jump. They can't do it over a vid?”

He swore he heard Shepard growl, but that was just impossible – he was pretty sure the man's voice didn't get that low. “Believe me, I asked. I guess they want to bother me into my second grave.”

That made Joker's stomach drop even further as he primed the Normandy to go. The ship was humming to life around him, and he felt it through his chair as he went through the motions. Normally, this was one of the best parts of his day. When he was in space, with FTL drive in high speed, it felt like he was floating.

Now, though? He felt like a rock lodged in cement at the bottom of the Marianas Trench.

“We'll be there in about 12 hours.”

“Great. I'm going to...” Shepard paused, voice faltering. When he spoke again, it was calmer in the way he got when he was painfully aware of how in control he had to be. Joker hated that. “I'm going to get some work done. Thanks, Joker.”

The line cut after that, leaving the helmsman alone with his thoughts and a growing sense of anxiety deep in the pit of his stomach. Jumping to FTL drive didn't exactly make it easier. They said that feeling motion sick was just psychosomatic, but damn if his gut didn't roll through the first few pulses and waves as they hit the relay. Normally the blue light and tingle that rang through his aching bones did wonders for that, but now he just felt cold.

Cold and needing to be anywhere else but in that cockpit. Damn it all...

---

Everything hurt, and that was saying something.

Joker wasn't having the best day as he limped away from the cockpit. All he wanted right then was to go to bed and maybe try to shove something down his throat in the way of food. Of course, the doc would insist he take his meds before any of that. She got all frowny when he didn't, and there was the whole bone breaking thing he had to worry about, so thus the limping towards anywhere but a place to sleep.

Why did the medbay have to be so fucking far?

The ride down the elevator made his insides rattle, especially as it hit the floor and opened up. He was probably lucky he hadn't broken something as he made his way out. There was plenty of noise here, but none of it could really distract him as he limped away from the elevator towards the waiting medbay and his pills.

How big was it going to be today? Fuck...

Normally, when he got in this kind of mood Joker didn't notice much around him unless he was about to walk into it. There could have been naked dancing krogan as far as he was concerned, it just didn't register. Unless four testicles hit him in the face, he had tunnel vision. Yet, there they were metaphorically tea-bagging him.

What was Shepard doing in the observation area?

Joker cocked an eyebrow as he crept a little closer. No doubt about it, the person sitting there was Shepard – he was the only one with hair that red on the Normandy. He wasn't moving either, just... sitting there, facing the open window.

He should have just kept walking on to take his pills. After all, biotics were weird. Maybe it was some space meditation technique to keep their brains from frying over. Yet he kept walking towards his commanding officer in a perfect example of curiosity killing the cat.

Oof... even thinking that hurt.

“Commander?”

Shepard didn't respond as he entered the observation room. With his back to the door, he was just sitting there, staring out the window. Joker was practically on top of him, but he never broke his sight on what was in front of him.

“Hey, you ok there, Shepard?”

With his words, Joker broke a spell. Shepard snapped to life, and sweat trickled down his brow as he rounded on the man. His skin was practically white, and his eyes were as wide as softballs as his breathing began to slow. Before that, it was like he hadn't been breathing at all.

“Shepard are you-”

“Close the window.” He added a “please” at the last second as he shut his eyes tightly. The pilot didn't need to be told twice. In fact, he almost broke a fist hitting the button. The window shut closed on them both, and the room dimmed slightly before the lights had time to adjust.

Then it was just him and humanity's fist Spectre, sitting like two idiots in a dark room.

Joker felt the sweat trickle down his brow as he settled in. “Am I interrupting some biotic thing? You're not going to take a wall out, are you?”

Shepard let out an uneasy laugh as he ran a hand down his sweaty face. “No... just trying some self administered exposure therapy. I don't think it's working very well unfortunately.”

He opened his eyes – they were smaller now. “Don't you have a date with Dr. Chakwas in the medbay right about now?”

Yeah, but that was before the universe stopped moving.

Joker felt as though he had been hit by a bolt of lightning as he stared at his commanding officer, and then to the closed window. Details were streaming in at about a thousand kilometers a second, and he was about to hit the mass relay at “I'm a fucking moron” station. He tended to visit that one a lot – it was his favorite those days.

It was hard to make his mouth move, but Shepard was expecting something. “Well, had to make sure you were keeping on your weird biotic regimen.”

“Don't worry, I am.” Shepard smiled and his stomach flopped. The man stood, attempting to stretch casually. His form was far too stiff for that – it just came off looking painful. “Come on, I had to talk to her about something anyway. Might as well get it over with, right?”

He was doing it again – the biotic always cared way too damn much about other people. He looked like he was about to keel over, but Shepard was trying to put him at ease. It made Joker's stomach flop uncomfortably as he stood as well, bones creaking at the effort. Nothing but his heart was breaking right then.

Damn it all...

“Commander... I'm sorry.”

Shepard smiled at him again as he waved it off. “Nothing to apologize for, like I said I have to stop by there. She wanted to take a look at my implants and make sure I hadn't tried to hack them yet. You make a joke once about trying to match your aesthetic...”

He chuckled to himself as the door opened on them both. The pilot wanted to say more, but he realized as they made it through the mess that there was no point. He might have blamed himself – and plenty of others did too – but Shepard never would.

God, he wish he would...

All he could do was stare at the man's back as he threaded his way towards the medbay. Whatever else he wanted to say died in his throat as he watched a risen Spectre act as though this was Tuesday for him. Hell, he was fucking glowing thanks to those implants!

Glowing because of him...

“Joker, you ok back there?”

The man stopped – blue eyes were focused on him. Words were born and died in the space between the two, in what felt like a lifetime to the pilot. In the end, he swallowed them down. None of them would do him any good anyway.

“Just keeping up. Got a little stiff making sure we don't crash into shit.”

Shepard smiled and nodded. His footsteps slowed ever so slightly – how could a man's pace make him feel worse? “Yeah, that whole not crashing into shit thing is pretty important. Planets get mad when we make our own docking bay.”

They both laughed over that, but it was anyone's guess if that was genuine. After all, they were headed to the medbay with a mountain of weight between them. The best Joker could do was have his commander's back, like he should have that day.

Maybe it would've been easier if Shepard hated him... then again, he was pretty good at doing that himself those days.

Fuck....