#i think it was the monday before reset when i was like fine ill take what i can get

[hythlodaes]

glamtober day nineteen - magic

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[callboxkat]

Infinitesimal (part 57)

Author’s note: Happy Monday! Sorry for the delay on this. I was trying to decide which direction I wanted to take one of the scenes. 

Warnings: arguing, fear, sleep deprivation, illness and injury mention, hospital mention, food mention, nsfw mention, crude humor, stalking mention, Remus, Logan is Stressed

Word count: 4300

Infinitesimal Masterpost!

Writing Masterpost!

...

“Are… you okay?” Virgil asked warily. Logan was acting very strangely.

For a moment, he wasn’t sure if the human had even heard. He just lay there on the floor, unmoving. Then, finally, he responded, his voice an indistinct mumble.

“Mmm. Tired.”

Virgil glanced at his companions. Emile and Patton both looked much more concerned than afraid at this point, although it was clear that they were far from relaxed.

He frowned, turning back as the human’s breathing deepened, and a quiet snore came from his direction. Had he actually just fallen asleep on the living room floor, in the middle of their conversation?

“Logan?” Emile asked hesitantly.

The human didn’t respond.

“Great,” Virgil muttered, eyeing him.

Patton sat up a bit, releasing one of Virgil’s hands to rub at his own shadowed eyes. “Is he okay?” he asked, his voice cracking.

“He’s just sleeping,” Virgil said.

“No… no, I know. I meant… Roman. Is Roman okay?”

“Logan said he’d be home in a day or two,” Emile said. “It sounds like he’ll be fine.”

Patton sniffled. “Just… Logan seemed….”

Virgil glanced at the human again, then gave Patton a reassuring look. Leave it to Patton to care about a human, of all things. “Let’s focus on you. We can’t do anything about Roman. Are you feeling better?”

Patton took a second, then hesitantly nodded. He took a shuddering breath and let it out. “It’s gone,” he said, glancing towards where Emile lay. Virgil realized he must have been talking about the box.

“It is. And I won’t let him, or anyone else, put it back. I swear.” The promise felt bitter on his tongue—he’d made it before, and hadn’t been able to keep it when it mattered. At least he’d gotten Patton out as fast as he could; and his friend was, at least physically, okay; but that didn’t change the fact that he never should have been put in the box in the first place

Patton, the sweet guy he was, didn’t bring up Virgil’s failure, and instead only nodded again. Maybe he just needed to believe that Virgil could protect him.

“Do you think you can sleep?” Virgil asked. Patton looked exhausted, between the stress of everything and his lack of rest the night before. “We can go back over to Em, and you can lie down.”

“…You?”

Virgil closed his eyes momentarily, sighing. “I don’t think I can sleep with Logan here, to be honest, even if I tried. I’ll sleep later, though, I promise.”

Patton nodded absently, and Virgil grabbed his crutch. He led his friend back to their bed at Emile’s side, and Patton lay down. Virgil waited for him to get comfortable, then went to grab some food from the supplies the humans had provided. Judging by the fact that Logan had just passed out on the floor, they probably weren’t getting lunch for a while; and they hadn’t had breakfast, either.

When he returned, he handed some of the dried fruit he’d grabbed to his brother, keeping the rest for himself. Patton was either already asleep or close to it, so Virgil decided to wait on giving him his share.

“Thanks,” Emile murmured.

Virgil gave him an acknowledging glance, then moved to sit on Patton’s other side.

Logan hadn’t moved.

Virgil sat back and took a bite of dried mango, his eyes on the still form on the floor.

…

Logan woke to the sound of knocking. He turned his head to the side, scrunching his eyes shut, then opened them, confused. Something was wrong. He wasn’t in his bed: the surface he lay on was far too hard. As if that wasn’t confusing enough, the ceiling above him lacked its usual star stickers. He wasn’t even in his bedroom.

“Am I on the floor?” he asked himself.

“Yes,” a voice informed him.

He looked up. Two small figures watched him from the table opposite him. Virgil and Emile.

“Are you going to get the door?” Virgil asked. “They’re going to wake up Patton.”

Logan blinked, then pushed himself up into a sitting position. He glanced at the clock, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He must have been out for nearly two hours, although he didn’t actually remember falling asleep. Clearly, he hadn’t made it to his bed. That fact, even as tired as he was, surprised him. Normally, he had a very difficult time sleeping anywhere other than his own bed. The fact that he had managed to do so in the middle of the floor was… telling.

He turned back to Virgil, and started to get to his feet. “Um… yes, of course I’ll get it.”

“Don’t let them in here,” Virgil said, as if that needed stating.

Logan simply nodded absently, straightened his clothes—he desperately needed to change into something other than pajamas—and walked to the door of the apartment. He smoothed down his hair, adjusted his glasses, and opened it.

His landlord, Joan, stood there, wearing an evergreen-colored beanie that almost but didn’t quite match their sweater. Their eyes flicked to Logan’s own atypical outfit before resting on his face.

“Hey, Logan. Merry Christmas,” they said, holding out a pair of candy canes with a slightly awkward smile. “I’m a day early, but I figured nobody would want to be bothered tomorrow. Plus, it’s never a bad time for candy canes.”

“Thanks,” Logan said, accepting the presents. Each candy cane had a curly green ribbon tied around it. They tickled where they brushed against his hand.

Joan shifted, watching as Logan briefly stepped away to set the candy on the counter. “Uh, while I’m here… I guess there’s not point pretending I’m not… well, curious isn’t exactly the right word. Worried, I guess. Can I ask what happened last night? I saw an ambulance, or something, I think; and I thought I saw you outside with them. Is everything okay?” They glanced around the kitchen, and Logan was silently glad that it was impossible to see into the living room from this angle.

Logan folded his arms, glancing down. He’d expected the question. “Roman had an asthma attack last night, and I had to call the paramedics. He’s in the hospital now. I came home to get some of his belongings for him. I’m sorry if the ambulance disturbed you.”

Joan looked shocked, their eyebrows nearly disappearing under their beanie. “Oh, f—my gosh; that’s terrible!”

Logan gestured around the kitchen. “They didn’t damage anything, I assure you.” He paused, then, remembering the box of polished rocks that Roman had knocked down, and the fact that he had slipped and fallen on some of them. “There might be some scratches on the floor of one of the bedrooms, but that’s it.”

“Logan—no, that’s not why I’m here. I don’t care if they punched a hole in the wall. Is Roman okay?”

Logan took a deep breath, steadying himself. “He should be. They got him stabilized. He’s going to spend the next day or two in the hospital, though, just to be safe.”

Joan grimaced. “That’s unfortunate.”

“Agreed. I’m sure he’d rather be home.”

“I’d hate to spend Christmas in the hospital. Please give him my best, will you?”

Logan glanced away. He didn’t care much about Christmas, personally; but he knew that Roman was fond of the holiday. “Of course.”

“At least it sounds like he’ll be okay. That’s good news. Is there anything I can do for you guys?”

Logan paused. “I don’t believe so.”

“Okay. Well, I’m here for you. If you think of anything, just let me know.”

“Thank you, Joan.”

Joan lingered for a moment, nodded to themself, and stepped back. “Have a good day,” they offered, smiling sympathetically before walking away, presumably to deliver more candy canes.

…

After Joan left, Logan wandered back towards the middle of the kitchen, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. He took a second to reset, let out a long sigh, and strode over to the cabinets. He put together a quick lunch for himself and the “mouse-men”—just toast with jam, nothing fancy—since they hadn’t gotten to eat earlier.

He carried the “mouse-men” their portions of the meal, and set the dishes down as quietly as he could. Still, Patton stirred, earning him an unhappy look from Virgil.

“Sorry,” Logan mouthed. It seemed he couldn’t do anything right.

Emile looked at him with what seemed to be a sympathetic expression, although it was entirely possible that he imagined it. Logan simply straightened back up and crept out of the room, hopefully without disturbing them any further.

Alone again, Logan took the chance to hop in the shower, get dressed, and brush his teeth. By the time he was ready to gather the supplies he’d promised Roman, he felt much more like himself.

Roman’s backpack was perfect for the job, after Logan had removed its usual contents and stacked them neatly on the desk. He put in Roman’s favorite blanket first, folded and rolled up at the bottom, followed by his wallet, which he zipped up in the front pouch. He grabbed one of his pillows next, which he left to the side of the backpack, and then moved to Roman’s dresser for his hairbrush, eye mask, toothbrush and toothpaste, and a pair of fluffy socks, among other items. He left Roman’s phone on the charger for the moment, but he snatched the earbuds that had been knocked to the floor.

Logan was still figuring out how best to fit everything in the backpack when he was interrupted by a knock at the door. He frowned, setting down the hairbrush he was holding. Had Joan returned for some reason?

He walked down the hall and into the kitchen, pausing by the doorway into the living room to offer a placating gesture to the “mouse-men”. Then, he strode to the door, straightened his glasses, and opened it.

The grinning young man who stood there was decidedly not Joan.

“Finally!” he said. “This’s gotta be like the tenth time I’ve stopped by! I was starting to think you’d never answer!”

The man at the door had familiar, curly dark hair, freckled brown skin, and rich brown eyes. He looked practically just like Roman, except with double-pierced ears, crooked front teeth, and the beginnings of a mustache and beard. He also had a patch of hair just above his forehead which grew white, in stark contrast to the rest of his nearly-black hair. Poliosis, Logan absently registered, or possibly vitiligo. Bleach didn’t seem likely, given the asymmetrical shape and precise edges.

Logan stared at the man for a second, processing, then said, “…You must be Remus.”

The young man���Remus—quirked an eyebrow teasingly. “Oh, you’ve heard of me?” His voice was also very similar to Roman’s; but it was slightly more nasal, a difference which Logan suspected was purposeful. He didn’t seem at all surprised to see Logan at the door, so he must have known that Roman had a roommate.

“I know of you,” Logan confirmed. He looked the visitor up and down. “Why are you here?”

“Can’t a guy come see his brother for Christmas?”

“Well… of course; but why come here, rather than see your parents? I thought…” Logan trailed off, unsure how much Roman would want him to say here. He really didn’t know much about the animosity in Roman’s family. Was it one-sided? How much did it involve Remus, if at all? Would Roman want his brother here? He didn’t know much about his roommate’s twin, other than the fact that he existed, of course. And that he had apparently decided to show up on their doorstep, unannounced, for Christmas.

“Ah, they suck,” Remus was saying. “I mean, Roman’s pretty lame, but he’s not like that.”

Logan was unsure how to respond to that, so he didn’t.

“Anyway, where is that dork?” He giggled, seemingly unable to contain himself. “You know, dork, like a whale—”

“He’s not here,” Logan interrupted, before Remus could finish that sentence.

Remus tilted his head comically far, like a dog listening. “Why not?”

“He’s… preoccupied,” Logan settled on.

Remus squinted, straightening up, and bobbed forward onto his tiptoes before settling back on his heels. “You’re lying,” he declared. “Is he here? Tell him the attractive brother is here!” He tried to look around Logan, without much success. “Rooooman! Stop making your roomie lie for you! That’s not nice! Come out, come out, come out!”

Logan sighed, adjusting his grip on the door. “Please lower your volume. Roman is not present to hear you, but you will disturb the neighbors.” And the “mouse-men”, but even stressed and sleep deprived, Logan knew better than to mention them.

Remus pouted; but he did stop shouting, which was appreciated.

“How did you even find this apartment?” Logan asked. “I was under the impression that Roman hadn’t shared its location with his family.”

Remus waggled his eyebrows, his slightly off-kilter grin returning. “You’d be surprised what a little internet stalking can turn up.”

Logan frowned. “…Ah.”

“What’s your name, by the way? Kinda unfair that you know mine and I don’t know yours.”

“It’s Logan.”

“Ooh, like a nerdy Wolverine.”

“…I suppose.”

“So, are you going to drag Roman out here for me, Nerdy Wolverine? I came all the way out here to see him!”

Logan hovered uncertainly, trying to decide what to do. “Remus… would you mind waiting here for a moment? I’d like to call your brother.”

“Can’t I wait inside?” he asked, pouting. “It’s boring out here, and I really have to pee. I promise I won’t break anything, no matter how fun it looks to smash.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know you, and I’d like to speak with Roman first.”

Remus sighed, tugging on one of his earlobes. “Fine, go ahead.”

Logan closed the door, locked it just in case (Remus seemed… rather odd), then went to Roman’s room, where his roommate’s phone sat on the nightstand. He typed in the passcode, which Roman had given him at the hospital, and dialed his own number.

It rang a few times.

“Hmm?” a sleepy, breathy voice answered. “Lo?”

“Hi, Roman. Sorry if I woke you. How are you feeling?”

“Better,” he responded. Logan heard him shift, and the beeping of the heart monitor in the background. “You… coming back… soon?”

“I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’ll be back in a little while, I’m just getting the stuff you asked for together. But Roman, I wanted to ask you…” He sighed. “Well, Remus is here.”

“…Remus?”

“Yes. He showed up at our apartment, looking for you. I’m not sure what to tell him.”

Roman was silent for a moment.

Logan tapped his fingers on his leg. “Also, I just wanted to check—he’s not… violent, is he? His behavior so far is somewhat concerning.”

“No,” Roman said quickly, clearing his throat. “No, he’s not… he’s just… weird, like that…. He doesn’t… have much… of a filter.”

That was reassuring, but Roman still hadn’t said what he actually wanted Logan to do about his brother’s presence.

“Should I ask him to leave?”

“Um… wh… why’s he there?”

“He said he wanted to see you for Christmas.”

“Why?”

“Because he is your brother, I would assume, and it’s common for families to want to get together to celebrate holidays such as this one. Do you have a preference for what I should tell him? I understand if you don’t wish to see him, and I will follow whatever your decision is.”

Roman coughed away from the phone, then returned. “Did he… did he say… why he’s… not….?” He trailed off

“Why he’s here, and not with your parents?” Logan suggested, not wanting Roman to overexert himself.

Roman made an affirmative noise.

“He, ah, he claimed that your parents quote, ‘suck’.” Logan glanced towards the open bedroom door. “In the interest of honesty I should tell you he also said that you were ‘lame’, but, quote, ‘not like that’. He did not explain what he meant by ‘like that’.”

Roman didn’t respond, although Logan could still hear his breathing. There was a quiet thump.

“Roman?” Logan asked, raising his voice slightly.

There was a shuffling noise. “Mm, sorry,” he mumbled.

“What would you like me to do about Remus?”

There was another long silence, and Logan was about to ask if Roman was still there, when he finally responded, “Later.”

“You’ll tell me your answer later, or you’ll see him later? I apologize, but I really do need an answer now; he’s waiting at the door as we speak.”

“See ’im.”

Logan looked down at the floor, where several members of Roman’s rock collection still lay scattered. “I’ll have to tell him about your asthma attack, in that case—is that alright? I’m unsure of any course of action to avoid that. Unless you want me to keep him away until you come home.”

“Mm… ’kay.”

“Okay. I’ll ask for his contact information so we can tell him when you’re ready to see him. I’m on my way with your things.”

“S’you,” Roman mumbled.

“I’ll be seeing you, too. Get some sleep.” Logan ended the call, slipped the phone in his pocket, put the charger in Roman’s backpack, and brought that and the pillow back to the kitchen.

He set the items on the counter, then reluctantly turned to the apartment door. He was sure an uncomfortable conversation waited just beyond it. Not wanting to put it off longer than necessary, Logan strode over to the door, unlocked it, and pulled it open.

Remus was sitting on the hallway floor, his legs spread out, on his phone. He looked up as the door opened.

“Specs, you came back for me!”

“I did.”

“So? What’s the scoop? Can I come see Mr. Too-Cool-to-Answer-the-Door?”

Logan sighed. There was no good way to have this conversation, he supposed. He might as well just get on with it. “Remus… there’s something you need to know.”

Remus’s manic grin slipped. “He doesn’t want to see me.”

“No, it’s not that,” Logan said. “It’s… well, Roman really isn’t here. He’s in the hospital.”

Remus’s eyes widened, and he got to his feet. “He’s what?”

“He had an asthma attack last night. He should be fine, but he’s in the hospital now, and he’ll stay there at least until tomorrow, possibly the day after.”

Remus’s mouth was agape.

“I didn’t mean to spring this on you—I didn’t have Roman’s permission to tell you before.”

Remus’s expression hardened. “I want to see him.”

“I’m afraid you won’t be able to until later—"

“No, no, no, no. I want to see him now. Take me to see him. He’s my brother; you don’t get to tell me I can’t see him!”

“Remus, he’s asleep right now. He didn’t get any rest last night, and he’s quite exhausted with everything going on. I doubt he’s up to having visitors.”

Remus glared for a moment, then deflated. “You’re going to see him,” he pointed out, folding his arms. His eyes flicked to the counter behind Logan, where Roman’s backpack sat.

“…I am,” he confirmed. “To drop off some things he requested, no more.”

Remus was tugging at some loose threads in his jacket sleeve, still clearly agitated.

“I told Roman I’d collect your contact information. That way I can text you when he’s ready to see you.”

Remus had already created a new hole in his jacket, although the jacket had quite a few others to match. “Fine,” he said. He tapped a few things on his phone and thrusted it at Logan, who fumbled to take it. The screen was cracked in several places, a few bits of glass missing from one side. The page to create a new contact was pulled up. Logan silently typed in his information and handed the phone back, then passed over Roman’s as well, for Remus to put in his own information.

“I’ve got Roman’s cell at the moment,” Logan informed him, as Remus turned it over to inspect the Aladdin phone case, “but I’ll text you from mine later.”

Remus frowned. “Why’ve you got his phone?”

“He has mine. Our departure from the apartment was rather… hurried, this morning, and his phone was left behind.”

“Hm.” Remus typed in his info. “Well, as long as somebody texts me. Or I’m coming back here and breaking the door down.”

Logan took the phone back. “I don’t doubt it.”

“…You did say he’s okay, right?”

Logan slipped the phone in his pocket. “Yes. They got him stabilized. They simply want to keep him overnight to monitor him. He’s on oxygen, and he’s in no state to be running any marathons, but he will be fine.”

Remus let out a long breath. “Good.”

“Has he had attacks like this before?” Logan asked. “That put him in the hospital?”

“Hmph. Well, there was one when we were like ten or eleven. His face turned purple.”

Logan’s eyes widened. “Wow… that’s… unideal.”

“I called him Grape for like two years after that,” Remus shared matter-of-factly. “He called me Stinkbug for revenge.”

“Oh.” Logan glanced at the time on Roman’s phone. “Well, it was a pleasure meeting you, but I really should be going. Roman will be expecting me.”

Remus shifted where he stood. “Sure, yeah, overstaying welcomes and stuff, but can I come in first? I still really, really have to pee, and I feel like my d*ck’s going to explode, or just pop off or something, and that would be tragic, really, because then what are my boyfriends and I supposed to do?”

Logan blinked, unimpressed.

“…Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“I really do have to pee though. Please? It’ll take like two minutes, tops. Pinkie promise.”

He offered his pinkie finger, which Logan didn’t take. He debated for a long moment, thinking of the “mouse-men”, then reluctantly gestured him in. “Fine, come with me. The bathroom’s this way.” He stepped back, allowing Remus into the apartment and hoping he wasn’t making a huge mistake.

Remus bounced in, glancing around. He whistled. “Ooh, nice digs!”

“The bathroom’s just this way.” Logan led him down the hall, more or less shuttling him along so that he didn’t get a chance to look too closely at anything—or rather, at one room in particular.

“Ooh, I get an escort? What are you hiding in here, a meth lab or something? A sex dungeon?” He squinted. “Or is it a mad scientist lair? You look like a mad scientist.”

Logan made an effort not to look towards the living room. “I simply don’t make a habit of letting near strangers wander about my apartment, whether or not they be related to my roommate. I don’t mean any offense.” He stopped outside the bathroom door and gestured for Remus to go inside.

Remus hopped in, turning around to grin at Logan. “Hope you hid the sex toys!”

Logan frowned as the door thudded shut in his face.

…

Logan slipped Roman’s backpack over his shoulders, and picked up the pillow. He was almost ready to leave, although there was one more thing he needed to do first.

Still carrying Roman’s things, Logan stepped into the living room. All three “mouse-men” were awake now, and they watched him as he approached. Patton leaned on Virgil’s shoulder, who sat beside his brother’s bed.

“So… who was that?” Virgil asked, his tone pointed. He was clearly angry but trying to hide it, although Logan doubted it was for his sake.

“Roman’s brother,” Logan said. “Remus.”

“Since when does he have a brother?”

“I’ve never met him before,” Logan explained. “It didn’t seem relevant to mention someone who I didn’t personally know or expect to meet.”

“So you just let someone you’ve never even met wander around in here, where they could have seen us? Even after last night?”

Logan winced. “I was with him the entire time. I wouldn’t have let him come in here.”

“What, were you going to body-slam him if he tried? Drag him out and hope he didn’t wonder what was in here you were so desperate to keep him from seeing?” He glanced at Patton as he finished, and let out a frustrated breath, forcing himself to relax.

Logan sighed, rubbing at his eyes.

“Virgil,” Emile murmured.

“What? You were just as scared as I was.”

“Maybe, but….” His next words were too quiet for Logan to make out. Logan just stood there as they whispered to each other, hugging Roman’s pillow to his chest and looking vaguely towards the window. Finally, Virgil shook his head, looking away, apparently persuaded to stop arguing for the moment.

Meanwhile, Patton yawned. “You—you brought a p-pillow this time,” he said hesitantly.

Logan blinked, and then realized that Patton was trying to make a joke. He forced a small smile to his lips as he turned back to the “mouse-man”. “I did,” he confirmed. The smile faded. “It’s for Roman; I’m just about to bring him some of his belongings, to hopefully make his stay in the hospital more comfortable.”

“Are you okay?” Patton asked.

Logan swallowed. “Yes, I’m quite alright. I apologize for earlier. That was….” He shook his head, looking down at the pillow in his arms. “I’m sorry if I made any of you uncomfortable. It was unintentional.”

A few seconds passed.

“Th… thank you for not letting them see us.”

Logan glanced up, surprised. It was Emile who had spoken, seeming nervous, but determined. “What?”

“The people last night, and… and Remus, was his name? Thank you for not letting them see us.”

“Of course. I know that you three have a vested interest in being secretive.”

“Still, I…” Emile glanced at Virgil, then back at Logan. “I know you didn’t have to do, um, any of this for us. So thank you.”

Logan could only nod.

“…Say hi to Roman for me?” Emile asked.

“Me too,” Patton murmured from where he sat against Virgil.

It was probably a testament to how tired and stressed he still felt, with the weight of everything going on, that Logan could have sworn he felt tears pricking at his eyes.

“I will.”

[flauntpage]

Developing Before Our Eyes – Carter Hart’s Win was More than Just a Win For the Flyers

There are steps in the development of prospects. Some are more noticeable than others, but they exist.

Sometimes, we want to rush prospects along. Sometimes it’s more wise to let them percolate at lower levels of play until they’re ready.

Every athlete is different. Every one needs to develop in a unique way.

Over the years, countless sports executives have been telling people that prospects will let you know when they are ready.

But even when they are, are they really?

One never knows what happens to a player once he takes that step into the best league in the world for their sport.

Does he crumble under the pressure? Does he thrive for a bit and then flame out? Or does he meet the expectation of being a top level player that the organization was hoping he would?

Sometimes you know right away. Other times, there is a process. Usually, for goaltenders in the NHL, it’s more the latter and less the former.

Usually, goalies start hitting their prime around age 25. It allows the best goalies in the world to put together a true decade of consistently excellent play that gives their team a chance to compete for the Stanley Cup in most, if not all of those years.

Very rarely do you find goaltenders performing at an elite level before that.

Oh sure, there have been instances. And yes, some of the game’s greatest goalies debuted at a very young age and held their own enough to become the Hall of Fame caliber net minders they were.

But really, age 20-24 is usually reserved for development for goalies. Consider this – in the last 21 years in the NHL there have been 13 different men to win the Vezina Trophy as the best goalie in the NHL. In only one instance of those 21 was the goalie under the age of 25 (Sergei Bobrovsky was 24 when he won in 2012-13, but keep in mind, that was a lockout-shortened campaign, which may or may not have played into it).

In fact, the average age of the goalie winning the Vezina in each of the past 21 seasons is 30.6.

Carter Hart is 20.

I’m pointing this out for a reason.

No, I don’t think we should start elevating Hart to Vezina-level expectations. Heck, the kid’s played 11 NHL games in his career.

And yes, I was on the “be patient” train when it came to Hart earlier this season – and in a lot of ways I still am.

But there was something that presented itself in Wednesday’s 4-3 win over the Boston Bruins  that had not been identifiable in the previous 10 games.

Answering a challenge.

Goalies have to do that from time to time. There are going to be games when the goalie relies on the team defense in front of him. There are going to be times when the ice is tilted and the goalie doesn’t get much action and doesn’t need to be sharp.

And then there are games where a goalie is going to have to flat out steal a game for his team.

All of these scenarios – and more – play out on a nightly basis in the NHL.

In Hart’s brief time in the league he’s dealt with a few of them. His first few games, the team went out of it’s way to protect him. There was tight defense, conservative play in their own end and a slew of blocked shots. It worked. It helped him quickly build confidence that he could play at this level.

He’s also dealt with adversity – getting pulled after a dreadful first period in Carolina – and having his butt saved by his teammates, despite allowing four goals – two of which he felt he should have stopped – in the Flyers 7-4 win against Minnesota on Monday.

And there have been a lot of games in the middle. Games where he’s played well, but the team lost. Games where he was just O.K. and the team won.

But there had been nothing like Boston.

The Bruins wore Hart out. He admitted to me after the game that he was tired and that it was exhausting facing so many shots.

“Normally it’s impossible to be focused for an entire 60 minutes,” he said. “You want to take little breathers during a game to kind of reset yourself and get ready the next time they come into the zone. But the way they play, you almost have to be focused the entire time. It’s really hard to do. They’re a very skilled team.”

But, at the same time, Hart said that he likes the workout. He likes being kept busy. He likes the opportunity to face a healthy dose of shots.

“It’s better than the alternative sometimes,” he said.

And he’s not wrong – on any front.

The Bruins are a good team. They eclipsed 40 shots in a game for the sixth time in their last 10 contests. And sometimes when there’s a lot of inactivity for a goalie, it’s easier to have a quick zone out and lapse into a bad habit – consider Sean Couturier’s hat trick goal on Jaroslav Halak:

Here come the hats!

The FIRST career hat trick for Sean Couturier.

Stream the remainder of this game here: https://t.co/MIaNf7oJlP pic.twitter.com/0XAb7831VG

— NHL on NBC (@NHLonNBCSports) January 17, 2019

Not facing many shots as his team was peppering Hart, Halak was slow getting his pads square to the ice and let this shot by Couturier through for what ended up being the game-winning goal.

On the other end, Hart was making save, after save, after save, after save.

For the first time in his short NHL career, Hart was going to win a game all by himself. He was going to win a game in which his team didn’t protect him. He was going to have to take that next developmental step and beat a team that was relentlessly coming at him.

“There’s a lot of… stuff…” he said to me before stopping himself. “I was going to say ‘shit,’ can I say that?”

Oh, to be 20-years-old again.

Once I confirmed to him that no one would think ill of him for saying it, he spoke freely.

“There’s a lot of shit that happens in hockey and there’s a lot of stuff you can’t control,” he said. “All the work you do, you do in practice. When it comes to a game, you just play. There’s a lot of situations that can develop in a game and you just have to play and adapt to it.”

He adapted all right. He adapted to the tune of 39 saves, the most in his young career.

It was some next level stuff.

And although coach Scott Gordon agreed with me that this was a developmental step – a step that Hart was going to have to take sooner or later on that long path toward trying to add his name to that aforementioned list of Vezina winners – he was more impressed with something else entirely when it came to Hart.

“They’re a hard team to play against and they throw a lot of pucks to the net,” Gordon said. “It’s not necessarily the shots that they’re taking that are the tough ones. It’s the rebounds or the ones that bounce of one of their players or our players and you have to react to that, I thought he handled that really well, especially the first time going through that.

“But for me, the best part of the game for Carter is to come off a game where he gave up four goals where even though we won he also had a couple (shots hit posts) and had a bit of a slow start. He was able to not only come into this game and play against a really tough opponent but also was our best player.”

Hart has already exceeded expectations for someone his age at this level. There are still little things he needs to work on to continue to fine tune his game and there’s no doubt he will.

And there’s sure to be more adversity. He’s yet to have a string of games go sour on him individually at once. He’s yet to deal with the pressure of carrying a team towards the playoffs and even have to steal a game that really matters in the standings, or, the Flyers hope down the road, in the playoffs.

There will be peaks and valleys, as there is for every goalie in the NHL. The best ones though, learn how to make the peaks hi and the valleys flat.

Hart took the first real step toward doing that on Wednesday.

For more Flyers coverage, be sure to check out our pregame and intermission shows before and during home games via Facebook Live on the Crossing Broad Facebook page and Periscope via Anthony’s Twitter account. Also, listen to our Flyers podcast Snow the Goalie ([iTunes] [Google Play] [Stitcher] [RSS]), leave a 5 star review, and follow us on Twitter:@AntSanPhilly @JoyOnBroad

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[omgshesbpd-blog]

TGIM (Thank god it’s Monday)

Can I tell you a secret? 

I hate the weekends, I really do. 

Every week I mentally prepare myself for those two days of freedom but I am always left feeling unprepared. 

I need to work.

I need a routine. 

I need a schedule.

A sense of purpose. 

Something to live for. 

Something to distract me from myself otherwise I just go into a full existential crisis.

Yesterday was a complete disaster, I was ill prepared for my two days of “tranquillity”, my “break”. I woke up after a lovely sleep, only to be hit with “Oh F**K. What am I going to do today??” 

I tried to be normal and just live in the moment but ended up catastrophising myself into a panic attack. 

I reached out to this poor guy who I have only seen a handful of times to come round, just for an hour just so I didn’t feel alone, scaring him away completely with my desperate “this is literally life or death for me, you don’t understand”.

See, he made the mistake of being there for me. He told me after I shared stories of my scars and he had witnessed a low, that I could talk to him anytime and he would be there. 

Boy, did I cling to that.

I am going to share with you the desperate messages I sent him, that humiliate me because I believe it is important for anyone with or dating someone with BPD to know how desperate BPD can be, how intense the emotions feel and how they take over, but also so you can see what someone without BPD goes through when the BPD’er is having an episode. 

When formatting my messages, each time I start a new line represents a new message I sent after he saw my messages and didn’t write back. I have also left all the spelling and gramatical errors in there so you can see how the desperation came accross in my messages, just getting it out as quickly as I could while he was still willing to listen. 

Context: I had had a rough Tuesday and we were meant to see each other on Thursday so I was holding out for it to relieve myself of my shit feelings as he became my chosen comfort person. Only thing is, he canceled, so not only did I not have my release, I started getting intense paranoia about being abandoned and... Well... I got weird. Then I would try and backtrack and not be weird, but it was weird. That weirdness fed my paranoia even more, so I was more concerned about being abandoned, and so on, so forth. 

FUN TIMES!!

The messages are intense, I know I sound crazy, and please, please don’t judge me; I’m hard enough on myself as it is hah. 😬

Here we go...

Me: this whole awkwardness is really annoying me but you won't let me see you to sort it out and reset haha so its just going to get worse until it gets to the point you legit just don't want to see me again which would be such a shame  you can't spare an hour at all this weekend? Just an hour, is all I need

Him: What awkwardness lol

M: the awkwardness I am feeling that is making me desperately want to see you so I can reset. Its manifested for me and I legit just need to see your face to reset and then I will be fine but atm I'm verging on playing push-pull games to get reactions because this situation that you might not feel is fucking with my head a little haha. Its only an hour of your time but would help me heaps

H: I just don't know where all this is coming from. You can play push pull games but it won't work. What's the situation??

M: yea because you can't understand it, honestly it is weird, I know. If you want to be friends and ease me of this, it would be really nice if you could please see me super quick. It would just alleviate so much of this crap I have built up inside that I can't put into words and would mean a lot to me. Please?

H: Just say to me now what you're feeling ill out you at ease

M: I told you tho it needs to be face to face, it doesn't work when i am reading my interoperation of you, it needs to be from you. if it is my interpretation of you than that is sculpted by my bias and insecurities because there is no tone in your words through text.

H: You're scared that I'm  going to disappear and because we haven't seen each other/ don't know when were going to see each other you feel lost and abandoned? Is that it?

M: yea but not in a because I have feelings for you and want to be with you kind of way, in a because you have in-printed on me kind of way and you matter. Your reply can be as reassuring as you can possibly make it but in my head, you not being willing to sacrifice an hour of your time to reassure me with actions in a way that words cant is just reconfirming that shit negative feeling for me. It's a tiny little action for you but a massive result for me, please?

You don't understand what it feels like, either. It is constantly on my mind and it actually hurts in my chest because of the anxiety I get and I am so wound up and fritzing out and it is driving my nuts that I want to just cut ties so I don't have to think about it, but I can't cut ties, all I can do is drive you away but I don't want to do that

I'm really trying here to change my behaviours. its so hard tho

H: I'm just heading out. I'll call you later?

M: my pulse is 103, I think I am about to have a panic attack. Usually an attack is an outlet for me so hopefully it will all figure itself out and I will just deal with it myself

I can't keep doing this forever, I can't keep working this hard. I just don't have the energy or resilience for it

You said you were my friend and always had time for people that needed it. I trusted you and I asked for your time and help, but you are making me go through it alone

H: Sorry I can't be there right now! Are you ok??

M: No

Im not. 

Im so tired of fighting myself

It's over now, my pulse is back down to 65. Fuck that is hard to go through, I have so much pain in my chest that I want to turn it into a physical pain that I can understand. I picture getting a knife and cutting deep into my flesh, watching the skin open up and the blood come out and if fills me with relief, tranquility. I don't want to tell people this because I don't want them to call the cops on me, but I am too scared to be by myself when I feel like that becasue I'm afraid oneday I will be too exhausted to stop myself from doing it, it is so taxing, it really drains me. I used to hit myself with a hammer so it would bruise and then poke the bruises when I was winding down so it would hurt, but not as much as when I first did it, which was beautifully inline with how my emotions felt; strong, but not as strong as when it first happened. I talked to my dr about it and he said to grab ice and hold it in my hands until it hurts as a safer alternative. I did it just then and it worked but now my hands are warm again and the feeling is bubbling up, there is no bruise to poke and I feel a bit lost. I guess I will just try holding onto ice for lesser periods? Sorry if that is TMI, but that is what it is like. It is that powerful.

I am still feeling really vulnerable and I need you to see me today please if you can make it happen because I am splitting a little bit with you, which is where the way I feel has changed. Justified or not, I feel really let down that I went through that just before and you hadn't heard me over the past few days when I said I wanted to see you. If this is all too much for you, then this is a good time for it to naturally end, the way I see you will change and that could be your exit? but if you don't want to tap out, then I do need to see you because I am hurt and it is legit the only way I can dissociate you from the pain I just had. Like I said, it is only an hour and substitutes wont work. I hope you are willing to do it

H: I think this is all a bit too much for me I'm sorry! But I feel really had for you as you're obviously fighting a rough battle But it's something I find hard to be a part of at the moment

M: That is really dissapointing.

H: But I will happily talk and try to help you feel better as i feel bad for how shit you're feeling!

M: I hope you never have to experience this sort of pain, and I hope if you do, the people you talk to about it don't ditch you because of it.

I told you I need to see you, it is one hour. I can't talk to you if you're not even willing to do that. It feels dirty to me

One hour, I really just can't believe it isn't something you are willing to give.

You say that inner pain is harmless because it doesn't affect other people, but then I tell you what true inner pain feels like and you ostracise me for it and make me feel like I am mental or you think I am going to hurt you or something.

Im so shocked

H: I'm out with friends at the moment. I feel trapped honestly

M: there is 11.5 more hours left of the day.

H: I feel that if I see you this is continue and will be a vicious circle

M: this is a wway more vicious way to leave things than seeing me for an hour to part amacably would be. do you know how scarred I am going to feel for this? I am embarrased and ashamed that I shared smething so personal and this is the consequenc. I feel sick about it, I will have to carry this wih me because you are too scared to face the uncomfortablity of feeling trapped enough to just come say goodbye and part on good terms.

H: You're jumping to conclusions

M: No, I am telling you how I feel. You don't want to see me today to give me the reasurance i need because the way I have acted has made you feel trapped. your decision is a consequence to my actions.

H: I would like to come and make you feel better but how you're acting comes across to me  as  manipulative

M: You just said that you don't want to come over because this is too much for you? I am not being manipulative, I am saying it honestly from my perspective. I am being bias because I know that you coming over would make me feel better going forward than you not coming over, so I am really fighting for it, but I am not being manipulative or using trickery to do so, I am trying to be completely honest and open with why I feel so strongly to the point where I feel like I need you to come over

I am not trying to get my way because I want to win and I hate not getting my way. I am trying to encourage you to come over because I am aware of what you have to lose by coming over is a lot less to lose than what I would if you don't come over. I want you to take that risk and I am trying to convey exactly what it is that I feel so you are able to have the full considerations of both sides when you are weighing up if you come over or not. That is not manipulative, it is my reality.

What time can you please come around?

please?

Please please

Pleeeeeeeeeeeese

It is really important to me

H: I may be able to pop round later. But don't hold out on plans. Is your friend coming over tonight?

M: I haven't heard from them but this is important to me so I can fit it in before or after they come over. It's my old flatmate and we are doing some coding so he will be gone by 7ish anyways

you think it would be before or after 7?

H: I think I'm going to struggle to make it today tbh

M: Why? You're in control of your own life, right? So can't you just fit an hour in somewhere?

H: Can we just talk on the phone and then have a proper chat next week

M: I told you, that won't work for me. Honestly I really can't grasp why you won't be able to make it? You have deemed something else more important, that's fine, but that's what it is

H: As it's a lot of change in just 24hrs. One minute you're happy to go and hang out and sleep with someone else (which is cool) and the next you're saying we have to meet today. If you're feeling really shitty I will take time out of my day to help you and speak to you on the phone as want to do that. What can I possibly do in an hour that'll settle you?

M: Its not really much change in 24hours, I have been telling you since weds how rough I was finding things, then you cancelled on Thursday, and then fri i tried to find something else to distract me, and today was just to much. I can't explain what would happen but I know myself to know it will help, please don't try and convince me it won't.

H: Your emotions seem to be really affected by me and it's freaking me out

M: they are not about you. if you want to be freked out and turn this into something about you, that is fine. I told you going in who I am, how I think, I sent you videos that explain why It think how I do, why it's not personal, and how it can be confusing. I have been completely honest and you told me I could trust you, now when it actually matters, you bail. That is really weak, I feel. I am weak within myself, but I try hard to be strong. I don't feel like you are trying at all to be strong for someone else and I am gutted I believed you

I know you want me to give you an out, to say something that goes a little too far so you can justify saying no to me, but I'm not going to do that. If you don't want to come round, that isn't because of me, it is because you don't want to

H: I don't want you  to say that

M: Don't want me to say what?

H: Say something harsh so I have an excuse

M: So tell me that you don't want to come round, or come round? i don't understand why it is complicated?

H: I wanted to come round. But I feel if I come round you will want me to help you and calm you down a lot. I don't think I can be that person to be relied on, I'm finding it tough now as it is. I don't think I can help you on the long runI think you need someone better than me and more well suited. And I know you're going to say we're just friends and I just need to calm down but why out of all your friends do you want me specifically to come over and help? I don't want you to feel shitty and I genuinely do want to help but I think I've already done more damage than I even meant to

M: Can you just trust me please and come round. You are making assumptions on how you think I am but honestly your assumptions are wrong. please, please just take a chance, trust me, and come around. Please Name. I don't have other friends I can talk to because I talk to people and they freak out and I lose them, so I don't talk to them - I thought you were different because you could handle what I was telling you, you didn't take it personally, you were mindful about it. I am getting help, you know I am, so you aren;t going to be my long term fix but you need to understand that if you are making the choice to not come around, it is for you, to look after yourself, not me. You aren't allowed to make decisions for me, I don't need "looking after", I need the benefit of the doubt that I do know what is best for me.

H: What is up that you seriously need to talk about? I will come if you just tell me

M: I just need the human connection, Name. Fuck, I can't explain it, I don't want you to have to convince you, I just need a person so I am not alone, just for one hour I just want to feel safe

I want to feel like I matter, that someone wants to be around me. I want a physical person being the evidence that my thoughts about myself and where I stand on this earth are a lie, I dont know how to put it in words, I just need it.

H: I don't understand as your friend is coming around in like an hour or two

M: Theyre not, I haven't heard from them, and its not the same. You said if I told you the truth, that you would come around, I told you the truth. 

Are you coming around or was my truth not a good enough reason for you?

"I will come if you just tell me"

And I told you.

Please?

H: I said I'll come if you tell me, so I’ll come over.

And he did. Poor guy, amirite? I feel so embarrassed and gross about this all, it is exactly why I am getting treatment because it is too much for me and the people around me to have to live with. 

This is me with some sense of awareness, you can only imagine how bad it used to be when I was completely ignorant to myself. A wake of distruction, I have just had so many incomprehensible actions and reactions in my past that will make you want to shake me and yell “WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU??”

With time, I hope to cover them all. 

The worst thing about BPD is feeling alone, I don’t want anyone else to feel alone, so if you can identify with me, please follow me and also share any resources you have that can help point me in the right direction for a happy life.

To prevent this from happening again, I think I am going to write a list of “crisis activities” as things I can do when I feel like I have nothing to do, but right now it is 12.40pm Sunday, I only have to be awake for 7 more hours until I can go to sleep for Monday and I don’t want to have to keep working on it. So, I think I am going to get day drunk.

[veganvagabond88]

10 Day Juice Cleanse

I was recently approached to take part in a 10 day juice cleanse ran by two local business’s, Anne-Marie from Optimal Health and Wellness and Claire from Conscious Kitchen. The 10 days comprise of 5 juices per day along with 3 colonic’s spread over the course of the cleanse.

I have suffered for years with chronic stomach complaints, irregular bowels and bloating which was finally diagnosed as colitis as a couple of years back. Along side this, constant fatigue and trouble sleeping, even though I am a strict vegan and eat pretty well. 

This seemed like a great opportunity to reset my body and try something quite extreme and new.

In 2016 I left the country to travel Asia for a year, after a few months travelling my stomach complaints appeared to disappear, I was eating a lot differently to home and had no stress so I guess that contributed. I started to put on a bit of weight which I needed. However towards the end of my travels I didn't feel comfortable any more, both in myself and looks, id put on a stone over the year which doesn't seem a lot to most people but to me this was a huge amount to my already small frame.

Over that year id treated my body pretty badly without even realising, Asian food is pretty amazing although with that comes a lot of sugar, salt and the dreaded MSG. I tried to eat as healthy as I could however backpacking is pretty hard going and you can easily spiral out of control with all the unregulated beers, fizzy drinks and sweet treats.

Id wanted to do a cleanse like this for some time but needed that extra push to do it so I decided to go ahead with it, what did I have to loose, I was also helping Anne-Marie and Claire test out this new package so I was doing good for them to by playing guinea pig for the next 10 days.

Ben has decided to do the first 3 days with me! <3

Here we go….

Friday - Day 1

Weight – 117.2Ibs/8.371st

Woke up not feeling great, Id had a busy week and no sleep so felt exhausted before I even started the juices. Started off the morning with a tasty tangy green juice, this is ok … or so I thought.

Around mid morning I started to get the worse headache. This lasted the whole day and didn't help I was busy at work bending down and picking stuff up gave me a horrible head rush and numbing pressure feeling.

Besides the head ache im not hungry so that's a plus. Through out the day I had two green detox juices, along with two beetroot juices and to finish off the day a tomato soup.

After work I went straight to the clinic for my first colonic!, it actually went OK I was dreading it but it was fine and Anne-Marie was really good and spoke throughout the whole half an hour so it didn't feel uncomfortable at all. A lot of old waste was evident so it was a really successful colonic. Felt pretty good afterwards and not uncomfortable during the evening like I usually do from over indulging during the day.

Dinner was really nice, however id usually have double the portion accompanied by a few slices of fresh toasted bread haha, so I ate the soup as slowly as I could savouring every last mouthful.

Im a snacker so this is my main problem, especially as its the weekend and usually ill have a treat while watching a film on a Friday night, instead I drank lots of detox tea with lemon and honey, plus lots of warm water, this helped to keep me satisfied.

No matter how much water I drank today my head ache was still clinging on. I was shattered so went to bed feeling a bit rough. What have I got myself into!…

Saturday - Day 2

Weight – 115.6Ibs/8.257st

Woke up feeling pretty groggy. Had a foggy headache all day until the afternoon when it started to slowly go away. Again I wasn't hungry at all just bored of the same stuff… and its only day 2!

My skin broke out today with a few spots on my face, this is most likely from the colonic. Going to make sure I treat my skin with a few face masks over the week.

Clay Mud Mask, made my skin feel amazing, I also used a bentonite clay mask later in the week, this stuff is awesome you can also drink it to aid detoxing.

Went to the osteopath late morning for treatment which made me feel a bit better and took my mind off the headache.

Today was pretty difficult as usually we go out to eat and drink at the weekends, so mentally I think it was tougher, we saw our friends and they were all going for dinner and drinks so I felt a bit jealous, so instead I went shopping and treated myself to some skincare, bath goodies and a new fluffy dressing gown!

Later on we decided to go and get a Thai deep tissue massage, this is great for detoxing as it helps release toxins. And it makes you feel good and relaxed.

Even though this was the hardest day mentally after the massage we got back and had carrot soup which was really nice and I felt satisfied, we watched a film and was in bed by around midnight, felt exhausted still so it was good to get some rest.

Again my stomach feels a lot better small amount of bowel movements and no pain so that's positive.

Time of the month has arrived unexpectedly! Brilliant! Grrrrrrr, this is going to be awful.

(I later found out from Anne-Marie that cleansing can bring this on as the body is detoxing, another lady on the cleanse also came on soon after she started)

Sunday - Day 3

Weight – 114Ibs/8.143st

Had a rough night, night sweats (which I suffer with anyway) but I think my body is starting to go through the detox process. Woke up a couple of times in the night and had to change my clothes.

Besides this I woke up with no head ache and felt OK! And I wasn't feeling hungry!

Decided to jump in the bath and filled it with Epsom bath salts, and a nice bath bomb as I was feeling a bit achey from the osteopath and massage. Its important to treat your body when detoxing, salt baths are key in helping to relieve any pain and they also aid the detox, by drawing out toxins from the skin!.

Bath treats <3

Went to see my parents in the afternoon, bad choice!, Mum was cooking a roast! Stayed for a couple of hours then went back to Ben's as I couldn't be in the house any longer haha.

I've had lots of energy today, which is surprising as I thought id feel worse. Im missing my beloved coffee, mainly for the taste and smell, but I don't feel like I need it to stay awake or give me buzz. Started to get sleepy earlier on in the evening to what I usually do so went to bed at a reasonable time and slept through the night!

Today's juices were a bit different, I had a carrot and fennel juice which was weird but actually quite tasty, the regular two green detox juices, two beet juices and today's soup was a spicy broth which was really nice.

Carrot and Fennel Juice

Monday - Day 4

Weight – 113.4Ibs/8.1st

Feeling really good today, not tired and groggy and more importantly not craving coffee!. Also im not particularly hungry, had another salt bath as I was starting work later today so started my juices at around 10:30am. Work was bearable and I didn't get any headaches. Really feeling the difference today and feel a lot lighter and alert.

Laid in bed that night and realised a lot of my chronic pain has disappeared, I usually ache a lot all over but its gone down, not sure if its the salt baths or a combo of the juices but I feel really good and relaxed.

My stomach is a bit iffy and noisy today but generally its been OK.

I usually have a rash/little bumps on the backs of both of my arms but this has nearly disappeared!

Today was a good day!

Tuesday - Day 5

Weight – 108Ibs/7st 10 (different scales)

Nothing much to report, dropping weight and feeling great! Worked the late shift today which I think was easier with the juices as I waited till nearly lunch time to start my juices.

Wednesday - Day 6

Weight – 106Ibs/7st 8 (different scales)

So much energy and feeling great I can notice my body changing inside and out my stomach is flat and I’m starting to see definition again rather than a little pop belly! Feeling a lot better about myself and excited to carry on and feel even more benefits.

Starting to tire of the juices a bit and feeling the cold more, those who know me know im always cold any way so im struggling a bit with that.

My period has been pretty heavy and different which it isn't usually, this is another sign of the body going through detoxification. (it ended up lasting 6 days compared to my regular 3 day cycle)

Thursday - Day 7

Weight – (didn't weigh today as I've been using different scales so its not accurate)

Feeling pretty great, my skin feels soft and no break outs, lots of energy. Must admit im getting bored of just juices now, I love cooking and eating im missing this the most. Work went OK finished a bit earlier had another salt bath before heading to Anne-Marie’s for my second colonic. Went well again, old waste still evident. Feeling really light today but also quite hungry, had my last juice of the day then went to meet some friends, which was nice.

Friday – Day 8

Weight – 113Ibs/8.071st

Busy day at work so I felt pretty tired and run down today. Juices were a bit different today which was refreshing, started with a watermelon juice (my fav) and also some blue algae juices (my least fav) Met up with friends in the evening for dinner! Well I watched as they scoffed pizza, super jealous but I had some olives…. Not exactly a delicious pizza but at least it was something a bit different and I didn't look like a total weirdo not eating in a restaurant watching my friends eat, haha.

Watermelon Juice

Saturday - Day 9

Weight – 112.6/8.043st

Really bored of not eating now, its the weekend again and I just want to go out for brunch!, eat beans on toast and drink delicious coffee, so I did… watched Ben eat a cooked breakfast, while I sipped on a juice! Haha.

Feeling a bit moody about it today, but its nearly over. Even though im feeling a bit shitty today mentally, I physically feel really good, so I cant complain, im glad I’ve done it and really starting to rethink about the sort of things I will eat and drink after the cleanse is over.

We did some shopping and when I got back felt pretty sleepy so I had a nap before we made our way to Ben's family for a birthday, again this was nice but im missing eating and drinking beers. Got home and slept through the whole night! This is a rarity for me. The caffeine has finally left my body and my sleep is definitely improving.

Sunday - Day 10 – The Last Leg

Weight – 112.6IBs/8.043st

Even though I slept loads im feeling a bit groggy today and impatient, its the last day!

I started the day like normal,...another juice! While I made Ben crumpets! How nice am I!?

Now I really was looking forward to the end of the cleanse. I love juices, smoothies and weird healthy foods and drinks. However after 10 days of not actually eating it starts to become very mundane. I love cooking, creating exciting dishes and more importantly eating them, so that's been the most difficult part for me. I spent the next few hours writing, drinking more juices and had a nice bath.

4pm soon rolled round and I was ready for my final colonic and summary chat with Anne-Marie and Claire. I spoke to them about my highs and lows over the last 10 days and how I feel so much better than before.

Both of the girls have noticed a big change in my appearance, my skin has become much better, my eyes are brighter, my stomach issues are pretty much non existent. The biggest change has been the energy, I feel so much more with it that I did. Im going to kick the coffee habit during the week and save it as a treat for the weekends, and also eat smaller portions to what I have been.

Its Monday morning I've woke up even lighter, my final weight from the cleanse is 111Ibs/7.929st.

My favourite thing to eat is breakfast foods so Im going to have my first proper meal, a veggie cooked breakfast made by my lovely Mum.

Delicious, probably the slowest I’ve eaten in a while, my jaw ached a bit having to actually chew haha.

Im so glad I took part in this experiment and will be forever thankful to Anne-Marie and Claire for giving me the opportunity and support that they did.

Thank you 

Jessica xoxo

Summary of Weight and Inch loss

Before and After Shots 

Measurements in Inches.

Before - Weight 117.2Ibs / 8.371st

Waist - 27                                                                                                        Belly - 30                                                                                                          Hips - 33                                                                                                        Chest - 36                                                                                                        Arms - 11.5                                                                                                    Thighs - 19.5                                                                                                  Calf's - 11

After - Weight 111Ibs / 7.928st

Waist - 26                                                                                                              Belly -  29                                                                                                              Hips -   31                                                                                                              Chest - 34                                                                                                              Arms -  9.8                                                                                                          Thighs - 18.1                                                                                                          Calf’s - 11

Total Loss of 6.2Ibs and around an inch off each area of my body!

If you want to try this amazing experience and change your lifestyle contact Anne-Marie and Claire.

http://optimalhealthandwellness.co.uk/

https://www.consciouskitchen.co.uk/contact/

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. i am starting a half hour late today. got home late...

got up on time and showered fairly quickly but still left for class late. i was, i dunno, 4 minutes late to class. i was the 4th one to arrive. two other people came in after me. out of a class of ~12.

class went alright. i had to stop the professor a bunch of times to ask him about his handwriting. and the quantum professor was all over the place again. he said “this is the most important part of the lecture” and went 10 minutes over the end of class and then totally botched his proof.

so we didn’t get a break at all between classes and lab prep. we normally get 15 minutes but now we had less than 5. most of us were late. i worked with my office mate, rui, who i haven’t spoken to much this semester. we interacted once early on when she asked to touch my curly hair. 

i thought we were working fairly quickly but we were like the last ones to finish. that’s ok though it was still only like 1:30. and the pizza was fine. i didn’t get EXTREMELY ill this week.

i talked to our department’s academic assistant, pam. she looks like if the final pam was a normal person and not a horrifying eldritch monstrosity. same hair style and face shape.

after we figured out a rough plan i emailed danielle and gave her pam’s contact info and the papers she had asked for. then i emailed my graduate advisor. i’m meeting with him on monday before e&m is supposed to meet. maybe i won’t have to go to that class either.

i also finished a section of grading. after that i was exhausted and i just hung out with harrison for a little bit. his office is two feet away from mine so he just pops in if the door’s open. we found everyone else playing pong ping and smash in the lounge. i took a guess at who was playing which character and got all of them right. i explained my choices to harrison and he asked which one he would play. i said “peach.” he looked like he wanted to argue and then realized i was right and called me a pleb. it’s a thing we do. i asked him which character i’d be playing and he didn’t know. that means i win.

i played a few rounds with the broken controller but it’s so frustrating, especially on big blue where you die if you don’t immediately react when you hit the ground.

after that harrison went home and keegan and i walked over to the bar together. we cut through the union and i got yelled at for taking my bike into the elevator. keegan talked me into it somehow. we were told to leave which was pretty funny since that’s exactly what we were doing.

i told him a few stories. about like my zipline accident and that time i fell off a mountain and my arm split open when i landed in a crevice. he told me about a wakeboarding accident. i think after the “zipline” episode he said no more sad stories so we talked about how much we like the outdoors, and how he only started liking it after he turned 20. i managed to dig up a happy story about walking through the woods with eve and some friends. it wasn’t an exciting story but i like talking about eve at least.

i wonder if she’d be down for a good romp through the woods with three legs. it would require getting her all the way up to the cabin though. she doesn’t much like to eat if we stay there overnight or more than a day so i worry.

we got to the bar and i got some food and i had a great conversation with suzanne about scuba diving and the time she climbed a vertical cliff. she’s not an outdoorsy person, which is why it was really funny that her outdoorsy friend had been hoping she’d give up so they didn’t have to keep climbing and suzanne pushed herself to keep going, not knowing that her friend wanted to quit.

i talked about politics for a little bit with... aw man, i don’t remember two of their names. i’ve never been introduced, i just kind of pick it up listening to them talk to each other. it wasn’t stressful. for once. they seemed less interested in arguing ideology and more about talking about how the media shifts our picture of the world and how cut off american news is compared to other countries. and we talked about heaven and hell and what it would be like to live for eternity. no one wanted that. i brought up reincarnation as an alternative but that didn’t really seem to fix the problem either since you’d just get reset and not be able to carry over anything you’d learned last time.

then we went back into the bar area to watch the others play pool. jennica was very drunk. i talked to suzanne about the history of science and how the act of discovering has changed and how most things are discovered on accident. vlad was with us too. he was one of the guys i’d been talking to at the table outside. i like him a lot actually, he’s very chill and very, very smart. he’s a big cuban guy.

we also talked about karaoke and theater. i thiiink vlad’s had experience with theater productions but he didn’t go into detail. suzanne talked about how it’s gotten easier to do goofy stuff like that as she’s gotten older and started caring less.

then i looked at my phone and realized it was 9:20 so suzanne and i biked home. when i got home at 9:40 i spent a little while brushing snoopy and hiding cookies for her. she doesn’t seem to realize that there are cookies in places she doesn’t usually sleep because she didn’t find either of the ones by the window sill or on the back of the couch’s arm, just behind where she likes to perch.

then it was 10 but i wanted to bum around for a little bit before i started writing. now it is 10:47, which is after my “stop writing” time, but... it’s friday. i keep going to bed late though and i’d really like to get enough sleep one of these days. maybe someday...

one more section of grading. then i have three homework assignments i should really turn in on monday, a quantum assignment due wednesday that i need to finish if i want to be caught up, MORE grading that i need to do to catch up to the current week (but isn’t due to my supervisor), and all the stuff about dropping the class. i also need to find time to take my bike in to get looked at, clean my apartment a little bit, get groceries, go to alex’s birthday party, AND retake my quantum test sometime in the next week or two. 

so like. i don’t really have time to feel accomplished. because i’m still going to be busy straight through next week. and i don’t know if i have the energy to keep doing this. poor snoopy is getting lonely too.

a positive thing i guess. back to that. it was nice to remember a happy memory. even though it made me miss eve a lot. and i managed to have like two and a half hours’ worth of conversation without mentioning anything really morbid. i mentioned i have health issues but it was in relation to how my professor in e&m has been treating me over the semester. it got a few raised eyebrows.

i just felt... awake, i guess. invested? that helped me feel a little less tired. hopefully it will help me keep going tomorrow. like, being at the bar was exhausting, because it was loud and there were tons of people and it was kinda cramped by the pool tables, but talking to my friends about stuff we like instead of the homework was a nice change of pace.

[flauntpage]

Developing Before Our Eyes – Carter Hart’s Win was More than Just a Win For the Flyers

There are steps in the development of prospects. Some are more noticeable than others, but they exist.

Sometimes, we want to rush prospects along. Sometimes it’s more wise to let them percolate at lower levels of play until they’re ready.

Every athlete is different. Every one needs to develop in a unique way.

Over the years, countless sports executives have been telling people that prospects will let you know when they are ready.

But even when they are, are they really?

One never knows what happens to a player once he takes that step into the best league in the world for their sport.

Does he crumble under the pressure? Does he thrive for a bit and then flame out? Or does he meet the expectation of being a top level player that the organization was hoping he would?

Sometimes you know right away. Other times, there is a process. Usually, for goaltenders in the NHL, it’s more the latter and less the former.

Usually, goalies start hitting their prime around age 25. It allows the best goalies in the world to put together a true decade of consistently excellent play that gives their team a chance to compete for the Stanley Cup in most, if not all of those years.

Very rarely do you find goaltenders performing at an elite level before that.

Oh sure, there have been instances. And yes, some of the game’s greatest goalies debuted at a very young age and held their own enough to become the Hall of Fame caliber net minders they were.

But really, age 20-24 is usually reserved for development for goalies. Consider this – in the last 21 years in the NHL there have been 13 different men to win the Vezina Trophy as the best goalie in the NHL. In only one instance of those 21 was the goalie under the age of 25 (Sergei Bobrovsky was 24 when he won in 2012-13, but keep in mind, that was a lockout-shortened campaign, which may or may not have played into it).

In fact, the average age of the goalie winning the Vezina in each of the past 21 seasons is 30.6.

Carter Hart is 20.

I’m pointing this out for a reason.

No, I don’t think we should start elevating Hart to Vezina-level expectations. Heck, the kid’s played 11 NHL games in his career.

And yes, I was on the “be patient” train when it came to Hart earlier this season – and in a lot of ways I still am.

But there was something that presented itself in Wednesday’s 4-3 win over the Boston Bruins  that had not been identifiable in the previous 10 games.

Answering a challenge.

Goalies have to do that from time to time. There are going to be games when the goalie relies on the team defense in front of him. There are going to be times when the ice is tilted and the goalie doesn’t get much action and doesn’t need to be sharp.

And then there are games where a goalie is going to have to flat out steal a game for his team.

All of these scenarios – and more – play out on a nightly basis in the NHL.

In Hart’s brief time in the league he’s dealt with a few of them. His first few games, the team went out of it’s way to protect him. There was tight defense, conservative play in their own end and a slew of blocked shots. It worked. It helped him quickly build confidence that he could play at this level.

He’s also dealt with adversity – getting pulled after a dreadful first period in Carolina – and having his butt saved by his teammates, despite allowing four goals – two of which he felt he should have stopped – in the Flyers 7-4 win against Minnesota on Monday.

And there have been a lot of games in the middle. Games where he’s played well, but the team lost. Games where he was just O.K. and the team won.

But there had been nothing like Boston.

The Bruins wore Hart out. He admitted to me after the game that he was tired and that it was exhausting facing so many shots.

“Normally it’s impossible to be focused for an entire 60 minutes,” he said. “You want to take little breathers during a game to kind of reset yourself and get ready the next time they come into the zone. But the way they play, you almost have to be focused the entire time. It’s really hard to do. They’re a very skilled team.”

But, at the same time, Hart said that he likes the workout. He likes being kept busy. He likes the opportunity to face a healthy dose of shots.

“It’s better than the alternative sometimes,” he said.

And he’s not wrong – on any front.

The Bruins are a good team. They eclipsed 40 shots in a game for the sixth time in their last 10 contests. And sometimes when there’s a lot of inactivity for a goalie, it’s easier to have a quick zone out and lapse into a bad habit – consider Sean Couturier’s hat trick goal on Jaroslav Halak:

Here come the hats!

The FIRST career hat trick for Sean Couturier.

Stream the remainder of this game here: https://t.co/MIaNf7oJlP pic.twitter.com/0XAb7831VG

— NHL on NBC (@NHLonNBCSports) January 17, 2019

Not facing many shots as his team was peppering Hart, Halak was slow getting his pads square to the ice and let this shot by Couturier through for what ended up being the game-winning goal.

On the other end, Hart was making save, after save, after save, after save.

For the first time in his short NHL career, Hart was going to win a game all by himself. He was going to win a game in which his team didn’t protect him. He was going to have to take that next developmental step and beat a team that was relentlessly coming at him.

“There’s a lot of… stuff…” he said to me before stopping himself. “I was going to say ‘shit,’ can I say that?”

Oh, to be 20-years-old again.

Once I confirmed to him that no one would think ill of him for saying it, he spoke freely.

“There’s a lot of shit that happens in hockey and there’s a lot of stuff you can’t control,” he said. “All the work you do, you do in practice. When it comes to a game, you just play. There’s a lot of situations that can develop in a game and you just have to play and adapt to it.”

He adapted all right. He adapted to the tune of 39 saves, the most in his young career.

It was some next level stuff.

And although coach Scott Gordon agreed with me that this was a developmental step – a step that Hart was going to have to take sooner or later on that long path toward trying to add his name to that aforementioned list of Vezina winners – he was more impressed with something else entirely when it came to Hart.

“They’re a hard team to play against and they throw a lot of pucks to the net,” Gordon said. “It’s not necessarily the shots that they’re taking that are the tough ones. It’s the rebounds or the ones that bounce of one of their players or our players and you have to react to that, I thought he handled that really well, especially the first time going through that.

“But for me, the best part of the game for Carter is to come off a game where he gave up four goals where even though we won he also had a couple (shots hit posts) and had a bit of a slow start. He was able to not only come into this game and play against a really tough opponent but also was our best player.”

Hart has already exceeded expectations for someone his age at this level. There are still little things he needs to work on to continue to fine tune his game and there’s no doubt he will.

And there’s sure to be more adversity. He’s yet to have a string of games go sour on him individually at once. He’s yet to deal with the pressure of carrying a team towards the playoffs and even have to steal a game that really matters in the standings, or, the Flyers hope down the road, in the playoffs.

There will be peaks and valleys, as there is for every goalie in the NHL. The best ones though, learn how to make the peaks hi and the valleys flat.

Hart took the first real step toward doing that on Wednesday.

For more Flyers coverage, be sure to check out our pregame and intermission shows before and during home games via Facebook Live on the Crossing Broad Facebook page and Periscope via Anthony’s Twitter account. Also, listen to our Flyers podcast Snow the Goalie ([iTunes] [Google Play] [Stitcher] [RSS]), leave a 5 star review, and follow us on Twitter:@AntSanPhilly @JoyOnBroad

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