#i think it helped that my family hates dumb ppl lol so i spent more of my energy in knowing things

[pumpumdemsugah]

Some people always find it interesting how unamazed I am by my own hair texture, especially given I had a full blown hair care phase for years . Idk what age I realised the type of obsession people wanted me to have with some of my features was a dead end but thank you younger me.

I don't have a perfect self esteem, far from but I'm glad I didn't indulge the way I was encouraged to because you always end up embarrassing yourself from that world view. You can like yourself without all of that.

[itsclydebitches]

Godddddd I'm so upset that I dislike yen this much, doing main quests in skellige and Freyas ppl were doing stuff and she again disrespected other cultures with Geraly being against, "I may be inhumanly beautiful" I know she's meant to be confident but wowww. She's not confident and worried for Ciri she just comes off arrogant and selfish and vain. Like, fuck.

The ultimate mood, anon. My Witcher fandom life would be so much easier if I enjoyed Yen ... but I just do not lol. Remember how I mentioned that things were going to get even worse than her stealing and using a potentially dangerous artifact? Yeeeaah. She also resurrects Ciri's friend to torture him for information, all while destroying another sacred garden to get the power to do it! It's not even a "She's so evil and I love it 😏" situation for me because the game tries so hard to convince us that she's still The Best. Geralt's sexy soulmate, Ciri's adoring mother, the baddest bitch around who gets things done and does it with an effortless confidence... all while ignoring how horrific her actions and attitude are. Oh sure, other characters speak ill of her at times, but considering how much Geralt is written to adore her, no matter what you choose, that's all undermined. I love morally gray/evil characters, but I've never enjoyed them when the text refuses to appropriately acknowledge that side of them. Nothing is more frustrating to me than a story that frames disliking a character as the unambiguously wrong thing to do, especially when the text is piling up reasons to dislike them and, as a result, ignoring or shrugging them off their actions as not that bad. Yen is a rather extreme example of that for me. Despite her attitude, her choices, and other characters outright going, "Why do you like her?" the story as a whole works under the assumption that it's correct to like her anyway because Geralt loves her. And he loves her for... reasons.

They do meet before the wish, but only just. Major "The Last Wish" spoilers in this paragraph, so feel free to skip. Basically, Geralt and Dandelion run into trouble with a djinn, he goes to Yen for help since she's a sorceress (first time meeting her), he instantly falls for her because she's gorgeous and such (there's an elf there who is also madly in love with Yen. Men just... fall for her, instinctually), she heals Dandelion, Geralt agrees to pay her, but Yen has already decided on the payment she wants. She takes control of Geralt's mind and forces him to attack the town to seek revenge on those who have insulted her, resulting in him waking up in prison awaiting execution for "his" crimes. Meanwhile, Yen has gone after the djinn for herself because power/trying to regain her ability to have a kid. Geralt escapes, finds her failing to master the djinn (an attempt which btw has endangered the whole town) and despite what she's done to him, Geralt tries to get Yen to escape with him. She refuses, set on capturing the djinn even though it's obvious she can't. So as a last resort he uses the final wish to bind their fates together, saving Yen from the djinn in the process. Aaaaaand then they have sex.

So yeah, their rocky relationship is one of the main reasons why I can't enjoy Yen. For some their tumultuous history is evidence of realism, for me it's evidence that they're not actually very compatible and they're only together because a) that's the fantasy trope: protagonist men get together with the hot sorceress and b) because the magic is literally ensuring that they can't escape one another. I mean, canonically their fates are tied together by magic and canonically they spend about 20 years swinging between passionate love and fearsome fights... but there's supposedly no connection between these two things? No chance at all that they keep coming together because magic is drawing them rather than because they actually want/should be together? I wrote a meta a while back about the short story where they meet, which includes a present day scene where Geralt is criticized by another character — Nenneke — for running out on Yen. Thing is, he tries to explain that he left because she was "too possessive" and this is... flat out ignored. By both Nenneke and the fandom. There's a strong trend of ignoring Geralt's words in favor of a pro-Yen interpretation of events. He says he left because she was too possessive and she treated him like ____ — he's not allowed to finish the sentence and say what she treated him like because Nenneke interrupts him, saying she doesn't care about his version of events. Major yikes imo! She turns a claim of being possessive into Geralt not being man enough to stick around. The fandom likewise turns this into a case of Geralt getting cold feet and running out because he's a bastard who hates commitment. Likewise, Nenneke and the fandom claim Geralt is trying to get Yen money as a way of appeasing his guilt for leaving, he claims he's doing it simply because he still cares for her — even if he doesn't want to be with her — and knows she needs it. Geralt's words are frequently dismissed, in the same way others characters' opinions of Yen are dismissed. Any mark against her is treated as either a lie, or a convoluted claim that they don't really know her... never mind that an understanding of why she may act this way doesn't excuse the behavior itself. (Plus, the whole "Yen had a horrible upbringing, so of course she struggles being kind" perspective always fell flat to me when so many, including witchers, had horrendous upbringings too. The whole point is this world is a mess and most everyone suffers). It's supposedly true love, yet if someone came up to me and went, "I magically tied my fate to this woman to keep her from getting herself killed and we've spent the last couple decades having what many would term a rocky relationship, to put it kindly. I left once because she was too controlling. She once cheated on me. I likewise hooked up with others during our frequent breakups. A mutual friend used magic to get me to have sex with her — also while my lover and I were broken up — and though I view it as a dumb decision I'm happy to forgive her for, my lover is ready to commit murder because again: possessive. A lot of the time we're only a family because of our daughter. I once thought she'd horrifically betrayed us both. She didn't, but it says something that I was so ready to believe it, huh? Hmm? Permanently separated? Of course not! I love her. We're destined to be together after all :)" I'd be like, "Uh... you sure about that, dude?"

Not that Geralt doesn't make his fair share of mistakes in the relationship — he absolutely does — but I don't think it helps his case that he's immature in other ways and, frankly, that he's a very strong, badass witcher. It's easy to turn the hints we get about their relationship into a simplistic "emotionally naive man can't give the poor woman the commitment she wants" situation. Given Geralt's status as the badass fighter of the tale, it's likewise easy to dismiss his admissions of her being "possessive" and his general discomfort. He's the man. He's the witcher. If he's making any claims about how Yen isn't treating him well, they must be excuses, or exaggerations, because real men, especially physically powerful men, would do something about that — a something that's not sneaking out in the middle of the night. A lot of people read Geralt leaving as the ultimate proof that he's an immature bastard who doesn't deserve her. I read him leaving and think, "What were you trying to get away from? What was going on that made you think you could only leave by sneaking out without a word?" To me, that doesn't read as someone who felt safe, comfortable, and respected enough to do anything but slip away and try to wash his hands of things. And I'm not just pulling this "Geralt is at least somewhat afraid of Yen and isn't comfortable establishing boundaries with her" reading out of my ass. When Yen wants Geralt to kill the golden dragon for her and he refuses, saying he doesn't care anymore, his thoughts are:

He expected the worst: a cascade of flames, flashes of lightning, blows raining down on his face, insults and curses. There was nothing. He saw, with astonishment, only the subtle trembling of her lips. Yennefer turned around slowly. Geralt regretted his words.

And everyone is like, "See! Yen has improved so much. Geralt nearly made her cry, but she's supposed to be the bad guy here?" Meanwhile, I'm going, "Uh... anyone want to unpack why he expects fire, lightning, insults, curses, and blows to his face for telling her no? Why he's astonished that she wouldn't use her magic against him? Anyone think that Yen refraining from attacking Geralt when he refuses to murder on her command is a pretty low bar? No? Just me?"

Geralt and Yen's relationship makes me uncomfortable and a great deal of that discomfort derives from how much of the Witcher fandom shrugs off the fictional warning signs. I mean, I post primarily about RWBY. We watched a man in that show try to sneak away with his kids when his villainous wife planned to use them for a eugenics plan... and the fandom still blames him for that, refusing to admit that he was in an abusive relationship. Because that doesn't happen to men, right? I'm not saying it's the same for Geralt and Yen, simply because they are written to be soulmates. An abusive relationship was, quite obviously, never the authorial intent. However, I am saying that the a "This isn't a healthy relationship" reading is there, it exists as an interpretation, and both the story and fandom's tendency to dismiss it is something that hasn't helped me enjoy Yen's status as an otherwise well written, complex character. Their equality supposedly stems in part because they're both so flawed, yet each time I see a list of Geralt's supposedly equal faults they're... lacking imo. "Geralt bound himself to Yen without her consent." Yeah, to save her from dying from the djinn she was trying to enslave, after she refused to leave, while her actions threatened a whole town. "Geralt ran off without a word." Mmm hmm, anyone care about why? And my personal favorite is a scene you may not have gotten to yet (or may not get depending on your choices), but suffice to say, Yen is supposedly justified in physically attacking Geralt if he dares to challenge her in any way. That's the main takeaway across the fandom: If Yen is pissed off, you must have done something to deserve it which, in the relationship deliberately written to be "stormy," is something that sets all the alarm bells in my head off. Honestly, it kinda makes my skin crawl to go, "Geralt didn't deserve that" and get responses back of, "Yeah he did because he [insert basic human action here]." The Witcher world is hard and cruel, absolutely, but that doesn't mean I personally enjoy seeing an equally messed up relationship presented as something that's enviable in its flaws. "That's actually true love because the magically bound man who often expresses discomfort with his lover, written by a male author with a very iffy perspective on women, says it's true love." Crazy theory here, but... maybe it's not?

Idk, lots of rambling on my end tonight! For me, Geralt/Yen reads as something rather tragic which, in a canon that unironically upholds the relationship, and in a Yen-adoring fandom, doesn't make enjoying her character any easier. I keep coming back to Witcher 3, the comics, the show, even the books going, "Maybe I'll like her this time?" but nope, still trying lol.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Have you ever dated someone more than twice your age? No.

Have you ever “dined and dashed”? Absolutely not.

Have you ever been cut off by a bartender because you were too drunk? No.

Have you ever borrowed money from your mom & lied about why you needed it? Nope.

Have you ever dated someone just because they had money? No, and I never would.

Have you ever lied to your spouse about the money you spent shopping? Never been in a serious relationship where I discussed my spending habits, but if I was I wouldn’t feel any reason to lie about what I did with my own money.

Have you ever flirted with a cop to get out of a ticket? Never been in a situation where I got pulled over or issued a ticket for any reason, but I wouldn’t even attempt doing something like that. I’d just take the ticket and either pay it or try to fight it if I felt I wasn’t deserving of it. Not to mention, it wouldn’t work cause I’m an ugly mess and have no flirting skills at all lol. That takes confidence that I don’t have.  Have you ever gone on a first date with no underwear? No.

Do you treat attractive people better than others who aren’t as attractive? Uh, no. That’s a really shitty thing to do.

Are you more comfortable with friends that are less attractive than you? Wow. I don’t think about the attractiveness of people when befriending someone, that’s not even a thought in my mind. I befriend people based on them as people, on their personality and character. Ya know, the important stuff. I’m also not a narcissistic, vain, arrogant, cocky person who thinks I’m better than other people. Plus, ya’ll know my self-esteem is shit.

Have you ever hated a job to the point that you tried to get fired? Never had a job, but if I was that unhappy I think I would just try and find something else if possible and then quit? I wouldn’t want to get fired.

Have you ever lied about your weight on a driver license? No.

Have you ever lied during a job interview? Never had a job interview.

Have you ever lied to your boss to get out of work?

Have you ever lied under oath in court? Never been in court.

Have you ever bought alcohol for someone underage? No.

Have you ever started a rumor to ruin someones reputation? No.

Have you ever switched tags on an item to pay less for it? No.

Have you taken any pics of yourself that you wont want your parents to see? Yes. No nudes, but sad attempts at sexy poses haha.

Did you ever tell your BF/GF you like their outfit when you really didn’t? I don’t think to a boyfriend specifically, but I’ve said that to people, yes :X I feel bad if someone asks if I like their outfit or hair and I don’t. I’ve been honest as well, in a nice way of course, but I feel bad. I’ve been like, “Maybe not in that color or style” or “try a different pair” or something. But I also like to make known that it’s just my personal opinion, so if they like it and it makes them feel good then go for it cause that’s what matters.

Did you ever get fired and tell someone you were laid off?

Would you turn a family member in if you saw them commit murder? Yikesss.

Have you ever turned in a school paper that someone else wrote for you? I never had anyone else write a paper or do any assignment for me.

Have you ever written a check that you knew was going to bounce? No.

Do you feel accepted by your BF/GF ’s family? I’m single.

If you were an employer, would you hire someone with your exact work ethic? With my work ethic? Uh, no haha. I’m not doing anything productive with my life. I have no energy, no motivation. I would not be useful to anyone.

Do you lie about your age? Nope. 

Would you risk your life to save a total stranger? I don’t know. :X I feel like that makes me a bad person. That’s not to say I wouldn’t try to help them in some way either by myself or by getting them the necessary help. 

Have you ever trashed your ex’s car after an argument? No.

Have you ever snuck out of the house to go out with friends? Nope. I wouldn’t have had to do that, I could have had a social life when I was a teenager, my parents would have encouraged it. I just... didn’t. I was a total homebody.

Have you ever shoplifted? No.

Have you ever done something because of peer pressure you are ashamed of? Yes. Have you ever been embarrassed to introduce your parents to anyone? Nooo. I’ve never been embarrassed by my parents, never would be. I have awesome parents and I love them. My mom and I are especially close, she’s my best friend. And besides, everyone always thought my parents were cool haha. 

Would you leave a note on a car claiming responsibility if you damaged it? Yes. That’s the proper protocol, right? I’m not gonna be an ass and say nothing.

Have you ever dis-liked some because you thought they look better than you? Wow, no. I got into this already with the friends question. I don’t base how I feel about someone as a person based on how they look. That has nothing to do with who they really are. My brain also just doesn’t work that way, like I don’t see or meet someone and think, “hm they’re really attractive, that could be a threat to me in some way and I don’t like them” or something. Like what??

Have you ever used someones handicapped parking pass to get a parking spot? I’m handicapped and have my own parking placard, thanks. Please don’t do that, though. 

Hve you ever held back a well deserved compliment because you were jealous? I might have before.

Do you guilt people into giving you what you want? If I’ve ever done this, it wasn’t intentionally. <<< Yeah, I don’t pull the disability or health problems card. I’ve done it in a playful way with my family like, “aww I don’t feel good, I bet my favorite food would make me feel better *wink wink*” but that’s it. However, I feel that happens without me doing that if that makes sense. Like, I think people get things for me sometimes because they know I’m going through a hard time and feel bad for me. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.

Would most ppl consider you better than average looking? Uh, I highly doubt that. We know how I feel about myself, but others would probably just say I’m average to be nice

For yourself, would you rather have a perfect body or high IQ? High IQ. 

Have you ever embarrassed some intentionally in public? Not intentionally, but I’m sure I have.

Have you ever used a false ID? Nope.

Are you embarrassed to tell people your job? I don’t have a job, soo.

Would you give up your car to save the planet? I don’t even have a car. I’m glad my parents and brother have their own cars, though... I see it as a necessity for us.

Are you more likely to believe a man or woman? I don’t decide who to believe based on gender. I hear what they have to say and make my own judgment. Unless they give me a reason to doubt or be skeptical then I’ll likely believe them.

Has your credit card ever been declined? No.

If you ran over an animal would you keep driving? Gahhh. I don’t drive, but that’s something that worries me.

Do you think your parents are too critical of you? No.

Would you cover up your boss’s wrong doing for a promotion? Uhh, what kinda shady company am I working for?? 

Do you avoid conversation with ppl you think are smarter than you? I admit that I feel intimidated and would feel self-conscious about myself. Like if they asked me about something I didn’t know about or was having a conversation I couldn’t contribute to. I’ve been around people who I felt dumb or bad about myself around and as though I was being judged, so I definitely try to avoid that. There’s also been times where it was encouraged to ask questions and the person was inviting and didn’t make me feel inferior in some way.

Ever blame a sibling for something you did wrong? No.

Have you ever dated someone you met through a personal ad? Nope. Also, personal ad sounds so old school lol.

Ever lie about you [or your kids] age to get a discount? May have stretched the kid’s discount a couple years a time or two when I was a kid. :X Like if the cutoff was 11, but I was like 12 or 13. Shhhh. 

Have you ever accepted credit for someone else’s work? No.

Did you ever buy something expensive,wear it once and return it? No.

Have you ever re-gifted something? >> Of course. No use keeping something I’m not going to use, or that someone else would enjoy more. <<< Same. I don’t really see it as a bad thing. And I’m usually upfront about it anyway like hey I thought maybe you would enjoy this, I don’t personally have any use for it right now or something.

Do you really care about saving the planet for future generations? I care, but I admit I’m not doing much about it.

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering 

[imaginarylifeform]

damm wait i should be working on assignments but that last post got me thinking. ahb wait i lost the thought nevermind its fine now false alarm . oh wait no i got it back

i dont think im afraid of being known like im hesitant abt sharing how i feel abt things i guess i think its just it feels a bit.. idk.. well.. i dont know i dont want to be misinterpreted tbh thats the worst. i dont know what my thoughts on this are so idk why im bothering but like its so much easier to share thoughts on thigns unrelated to you i dont know liek that last post said the things we find disgusting about ourselves are just mind numbingly banal everyone feels this way

i think everyones like that i dont know im afraid of people thinking im weak and stupid by sharing things that bother me or looking upset in front of them.. like i know thats dumb but the amount of times ive had to deal w immediate consequences after giving a shit. idk wards u off and i dont want that bc when ppl think ur weak and dumb they disrespect you or try to use you [key word try. im past the point of letting anyone do that] and thats the one feeling i never want to feel ive had enough of it.

well at the end of the day does wondering about this even matter though.. ill share with whom i feel like sharing and wont with those i dont and itll only be the opinion of the former ill be most concerned with. also this kind of related but not really i just oh i dont like words that much.....well... i guess it depends who its coming from but ive spent so long with a manipulative family that loves playing mindgames for so long that i find it hard to trust what people tell me especially if its something nice but i guess w others u can tell they speak from the heart i dont know how i come across i think im bad at disguising my feelings for as much as i speak abt hating sharing shit i still bite my tounge on a regular basis and i TRY to be deliberate but .. well i dont know lol i cant judge whether im bad or good at anything like that itd have to be from other people.

theres a difference bw self awareness and having a self image btw its not like im somehow not conscious of my actions.

i did say though my new years resolution was to be more open and im working on it. trying to accept me feelings on things, especially negative ones, and to let myself talk with friends without being worried how itll effect how they see me and u knwo what helps is just trying to imagine ur positions reversed and its like. well  if they said this to me id just be happy they trusted me and thats tryue., id k yesterday i talked sm to my friends abt smthn not that serious but still very personal [to me i guess others wouldnt find it so] and iwas surprised how much of a relief it is to .. share things.. w good friends.. reminded that people care abt me and would help me if i asked <3..........

[hellotvv]

Small Realizations

I guess I just wanted to get these thoughts out somewhere to maybe look back one day.

When I become a parent (or if I do), hopefully I learn from some mistakes my parents made. My parents are good people, they genuinely love me, and they definitely provided for me. I can’t truly complain that much, since I know other people had it much worst. But my parents are human and they tbh have made some mistakes with me. OBVIOUSLY I am my own person, and I can always ‘fix’ these mistakes they made, but I feel like how a person is raised has a huge impact on their life lol. It shapes their world around them, what they believe in, what they value, what they like/dislike, and etc. I’m definitely not saying my parents are bad parents, I’m just saying that they’re human. We all make mistakes, have moments of anger, sadness, happiness, etc. Also, it’s genuinely hard raising a kid. Kids are tough, they’re their own person at the end of the day, they might not listen to you, each need to be taught differently, and etc etc etc. 

But somethings I promise myself that I would do differently than my parents: I would never hit my kid. Honestly I disliked being hit so much as a kid, and I personally idk would never hit my kid. I’d ground them, scold them, etc all before hitting them. I could see maybe just MAYBE spanking them at a LAST CASE scenario. But I don’t think it should be the first or even second option when it comes to punishment. I personally (I’m not saying spanking is bad/good) just would not do it myself. 

I think it’s good to be able to be friends with your kids. You’re more likely to actually know who they are as a person. I have some friends who could tell their parents anything and are good friends with them. Honestly I love my parents, but I can’t say their my friends. It’s just they valued respect (which I understand), being in idk a high superior position (I called them guys once, just as a short way to refer to both of them and I got heavily scolded and yelled at, saying they’re not my friends/etc can’t address them that way), and I’d like it if my kids can genuinely talk to me about their faults/mistakes/problems. I was so scared of failure or telling my problems to my parents, since I KNEW I’d get punished/hit/etc. Like I legit feel bad about this, but if I ever got into trouble at school or struggled, I hated to even tell them. Since they’d criticize me/etc/etc. When all I would like is maybe a gentle conversation where they just go, well we could do x and x to help you fix your problem. Like if I do bad in math, I got scolded, blah blah blah, then eventually I get my tutor to help me succeed. But I wish I was able to just talk to them about my idk problems without getting in trouble. I legit got in trouble for the most ridiculous things that I don’t even wanna write about them. 

A huge thing that deserves it’s own paragraph is something I realized as I got older. I’m decently well off, and I came to realize that fk money. I don’t disagree that money can bring happiness, I think it could (at least temporarily). I don’t disagree that money would help someone’s standard of living, possibly have less stress, and etc. But fk, I never want to raise a kid where I make them think money is everything or it’s important to be rich or wealthy. I think my parents did a lot of thing well in raising me (besides uh spoiling me/other stuff I listed above), and this is a big stereotype but I think some white ppl parenting methods are pretty smart. I think it’s important to just let the kid do what they want (in terms of career choices) and just let them be happy with whatever they pick. Since, it’s their life at the end of the day. I am NOT saying that a parent shouldn’t try to inspire kids to dream big or to push them to succeed/have high aspirations. I wanted to be a doctor for the longest time tbh. Even up to 2nd year in college and somewhat 3rd year, I really wanted to be a doctor. But did I really want to be a doctor, since I LOVED to help people? Since I saw myself slaving the next 8 years of my life at school, studying, cram studying till early mornings, possibly making tons of sacrifices, and etc just to become a doctor? Honestly no, but I was stubborn and kind of willing to do it for the $$$. The reason why is, my parents genuinely wanted me to be wealthy (understandable), being a doctor has prestige/they can flex/I can flex, and yeah. I realized far too late that my motives were retarded. I’ve obviously read that someone won’t succeed at becoming a doctor unless they’re truly passionate about it or motivated. I’m genuinely not, and it took me far too long to realize that. I really wouldn’t be happy being a doctor. I talk about career passion and hobby passion, how they can be separate, and etc. But honestly giving up that many years + god knows how many sacrifices (relationships, friendships, sleep, stress, mental/physical health in general, etc) of my life to school/late shifts just for some $$$, I would genuinely question if I really made this 1 life of mine in this world amazing. I guess around this point in my life, I realize that yes, I enjoy money. Would it be nice to have money? Yeah, ofc. But I realized that I could be genuinely happy with less. Hypothetically, if I had only a decent 1 bedroom apartment (like I do rn), have a good relationship with a sweet SO, enough money to go on vacations now and then, treat myself to nice food here, and hang out with friends on the weekend with a stable job. I think I could genuinely be really happy. I don’t think I need a mansion, a huge house, lavish furniture, or whatever the fk I would do with the money. The most I could see myself using a bunch of $$$ is on dumb material things. Yeah, I loved fashion, but honestly I don’t need a wardrobe full of Saint Laurent. I bought my grailed Robert Geller sweater, and I legit wore it once (partially since it was summer) and I was happy for like 2 minutes TOPS after I got it. Idk, I hope I find a SO with a similar view. Being in a social media position where I meet a lot of models nowadays, shot with an actress recently, popular IGers too, and etc. Holy fk, I grew to hate gold diggers, juice diggers, and people who only give a fk about being popular. Yes, it’s nice having followers and etc, but ppl who make it their lives geez... I’m not saying I would hate being wealthy, but I just realize that I don’t need it. My parents still want me to do something in the medical field/etc, but fk man... I kind of just want a stable job that pays alright, and I’ll be really happy. If it’s enough $$ to pay bills, get me my own place, able to afford a cute dog, some spending $$ to hang out with friends on weekends, and occasional vacation on holidays then I’m truly content/happy. Maybe some people aspire more, which is perfectly fine. I would too (after I at least have what I just asked for). But idk I just realized that’s all I really need nowadays. But back to the whole parenting thing. I don’t want to push my kids towards any jobs just for the sake of money. I’d aspire them to dream big ofc, but at the end of the day, I just want them to be happy. I shadowed a doctor last year, and he after making huge sacrifices with his wife for his monetary success, doesn’t even want his kid to be a doctor (unless he for some reason wants to). His kid might major in psych and be clueless about what he wants to do (according to the doctor), but he just wants his son to be happy. Honestly I think that’s what I would want to (maybe not the clueless part). If my kid has good aspirations, doesn’t want to be some degen and not work, is honest/kid, then who the fk cares what career my kid chooses. If he/she wants to become a doctor, cool. If she wants to be an artist, I’d support that. If she wants to be idk an actress, go for it. A teacher? Sure, go for it. Idk, I just know that I would be a lot happier right now, if I didn’t waste so much time wanting/chasing after a career path that I ultimately would not be happy doing.

It’s at least good I realized now before med school or something, since then it might genuinely be too late. I do truly respect doctors after knowing how hard it is to become one. I can’t imagine idk what sacrifices I might have to make in the future to become one. Since while I’m young, I really just want to be able to travel the world, live a life with minimal stress for a while, hang out with friends, spend time with a SO, and etc. If I was in med school/doing residency training/etc, I’m sure you can live a decently balanced life. But it would be hard to find time to vacation, spend time with a SO when studying for INCREDIBLY hard med school exams that determines how good of a job you’ll get as a doctor, spending time with friends/family when studying most of your days away, and so much more. 

While I’m still young. I do want to go to concerts and shows with friends. I want to travel to places and enjoy them. I want to be a degen lol for a bit and be as carefree as long as I could. I don’t see myself happy slaving away the next years of my life in school/studying/etc. I could be stubborn, push myself, and etc but at what cost tho? Idk, you really do only live once. I’ve spent honestly my whole life always wanting to be older, thinking it’ll be better. Like omg how cool would hs be, how cool would it be to have a car and drive, going to college, being 21, and etc. I’m finally at a point in my life, where I’m content and don’t necessarily want to get any older haha. I am tired of always chasing a brighter future. If I was in med school, I’d be chasing the future where I’m finally an intern at a hospital, then I’d be chasing finally finishing residency, I’d then chase idk finishing specialized training, then before I know it I’m 30+ years old, and been constantly chasing the future my entire youth. Fk that. This girl I have a date with next week wrote this, “I was so scared not being able to do everything I want in my life that I couldn't be happy about the current achievements I was making. (Like getting yoga certified) I'm taking a break from hobbies and life goals/dreams to train my mind to be content with where I am in the PRESENT. Funny how life goals, as motivating as they are, can make you discontent with who you are. One step at a time” on her recent ig post. I realized that’s so true. I’m so scared of not achieving being a doctor, letting my parents down, not being wealthy, etc etc. I always want to be this amazing perfect dude, no flaws/imperfection, and was never happy with success. Any success I’ve had, Idk if I really took the time to appreciate it THAT much (i obv appreciated to an extent), and I was always focused on these life goals/dreams of mind like being a doctor. I always chased the future, and never just lived in the present. I do want to be a better me, I will always strive to be a better version of me, but all these goals sometimes can make me discontent with who I am. Like fk, I am not insanely ripped/fit, so I’m unhappy with myself. I’m not a successful wealthy boy at just 21, so I’m not happy with myself. I’m not a doctor blah blah, and when I think about how I haven’t achieved certain goals, I’d just feel sad. What’s the point in being sad about what I don’t have? I have goals, but I can’t endlessly chase after them/endlessly chase after the future.

My plans to make the present better and be more present: don’t stress about what might happen ALL the time. If things doesn’t work out, it doesn’t (kind of thinking about uh my upcoming date primarily when writing this). It’s okay if you’re not where you want, as long as you’re at least trying, then it’s okay. Don’t constantly think about the future, just take things one day at a time. You’ll be a lot happier, more productive, and more likely to have a beautiful future too. Just fking live your life Theo. Go work out, go hang out with friends, go to those concerts/clubs, go and spend time on your hobbies (who gives a fk if you’re not good, just do it for fun and for yourself), don’t go wild and not give a fk about responsibilities/school work, but I can’t live my life/plan my career for other ppl, and just do whatever I love. I don’t really believe in reincarnation or anything, so this is my one and only life. Why the fk waste time thinking about the future all the time, stressing about ‘succeeding’, and why not just make sure that I’m happy. If I have family, friends, and wonderful memories, then I think I’d be happy with the time I spent in this world. :)