#i think imogen would go to the extremes to memorialize laudna

[ratinayellowbandana]

Prompt: “I feel terrible.” And/or “I want you to kiss me right now.”

I love your fics 🥹 just yesterday I was thinking of your name while perusing ao3 and was wishing for another Imodna fic of yours

hi!! thank you so much for your kind words. it always shocks me when people, like, want to read my writing? so it really means a lot. i'm sorry this took me a little longer. i ended up combining your first one with another prompt and part of my wip so when i eventually publish a fic with an extremely similar scene from imogen's perspective.. dw about it.

anyway, here's some post-resurrection hurt/comfort. we're gonna all pretend they stayed in the castle for a couple days and sorted their shit out.

cw for feelings of helplessness and self-loathing

length: ~1.7k

some prompt lists if you're so inclined || my ao3

~~~

It’s been three days since they got her back. 

Three days since she woke on the worn wooden floors of Pike’s home to a small crowd of friends and strangers. 

Three days since she set foot in Whitestone again, a place she never hoped to return. 

And three days since everyone began treating Laudna as if she's going to shatter. 

The worst part is she feels as if she might. 

The world is too vibrant. Loud. The birds chirping outside the too-large castle window grate on her ears. The silky sheets on the too-soft four-poster bed cling to her in all the wrong ways. Her skin crawls and her bones grind and she can feel her teeth. 

The gnome who revived her said this is normal. She’d been dead, after all. The body would need time to recalibrate. Time they do not have if they want to have any hope of intervening on the solstice. 

Imogen dotes the best way she knows how. With soup and kind words and glares that warn the others to keep back if they don’t want a zap to the forehead. She offers furs from the trunk at the foot of the bed and cool cloths that do little to ease the ache of Laudna’s fragile joints. She brings pillows and keeps watch in the window seat as Laudna sleeps. 

It’s sickeningly sweet and thoughtful and lovely, and Laudna hates it just a little bit because Imogen has spent far too much time fretting over Laudna as of late when she should be anywhere but a stuffy old castle spooning broth to a dead lady whose hands won’t stop shaking. 

Laudna is fine. 

She’s fine. 

She is. 

Delilah is gone, they assure her. Imogen herself sent a bolt of lightning through the bitch’s strange conjured tree trunk in the twisting nether realm that left the smell of iron and marrow lingering in Laudna’s nose. Her limbs still sting with phantom wounds where she had thrashed against Delilah’s cage. 

Helpless. Weak. 

The others were there, too. At least, for much of the fight and everything that preceded. They had seen Laudna’s memories, as Fresh Cut Grass informed her. Learned the name she had taken care to hide all these years. Buried deep enough, even Imogen, brilliant as she is, would have to dig to uncover it. Delilah, it seemed, only cared for secrets when they were hers to keep. 

When her friends visit her chambers, their vivacity is dulled. They are tense, anxious, and trying and failing to hide the restlessness that they are all feeling. 

Orym regards her with new wariness, searching for lies and cracks, though he is kind as ever. It’s understandable, Laudna reasons. In this place, where the Briarwood reign harmed innumerable lives, she is a liability. A threat to be guarded against.

Fearne is delicate with her hugs, moves cautiously through Laudna’s space. She hasn’t even stolen any of the silver soup spoons or fine teacups, which might be most concerning of all. 

Ashton hovers in the doorway. They return her awkward waves with a nod and flick of their wrist. 

Chetney and Fresh Cut Grass seem the most unbothered. Chetney in a plush bathrobe that appears to have been hastily cropped to suit his stature, and F.C.G. chattering on about the importance of rest to the healing process. 

And Laudna hates them just a little bit because she cares for them all so deeply, but mostly, she just hates herself. Hates Delilah. Hates Otohan Thull. 

They’re losing time and they’ve already lost so much. Imogen has already lost so much. Her mother’s trail is growing colder by the day, and there is nothing Laudna can do but lay in this godsforsaken luxurious bed and wait until her body recovers. 

It’s all she can do not to break into a thousand pieces that she would scatter to the nooks and crannies so she wouldn’t have to see the pitying looks on her friends’ faces when Imogen has to help her up. 

She turns on her side and buries her face in an obnoxiously soft down pillow to muffle the sob that wells within her and wracks her body. 

She does a piss-poor job of that, too. 

“Laudna?” Imogen calls sleepily, roused from a sun-dappled doze. Then, alert, “Hey, hey–” 

She’s standing, Laudna can hear, and now she’s gone and disturbed Imogen. Bare feet pad across the cool stone floor, and the far side of the bed dips, ever considerate. She will not come closer, Laudna knows, unless given explicit consent because Imogen is wonderful and caring and lovely.

“What’s wrong, darlin’?” 

Laudna shudders. “I feel terrible.” 

“Oh,” Imogen says, and Laudna can feel the flash of guilt and concern that radiates off of her. “Can I bring you anything? Is it your head?” She shifts her weight. “Do you need water? I can go get a pitcher. Or food, maybe?”

“Stop. Please, stop,” Laudna croaks. Imogen flinches, and gods, Laudna could be sick.

Imogen retreats. “Sorry, I’ll just– sorry,” she murmurs, sounding so small. 

Laudna lifts her head and darts a trembling hand to catch her wrist. “No!” she says. Her body betrays her, the word coming out as more of a roar than she ever could have meant. “No,” she repeats, softer, “stay. Please,” because if she frightens Imogen off, she fears what will crawl into the hole left behind. 

Imogen hesitates, glances down at the ink-tipped fingers clasped around her arm, and sits again. She doesn’t speak, leaving the path clear for Laudna to lead the way, and oh, Laudna could melt. 

Laudna sighs shakily, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…it’s not you.” 

Not Imogen. Never Imogen. 

The silence hangs heavy between them until Laudna can bring herself to speak again. 

“This is my fault, I’m afraid,” she states flatly, refusing to meet Imogen’s gaze. Refusing to see whatever reaction she may find there. Anguish. Frustration. Irritation.

“What?” 

Confusion.  

Laudna looks up, gestures vaguely to their surroundings. “This. All of us being… trapped here.” 

“Laud, what’re you talkin’ about?” 

Imogen’s hand comes to stroke the back of Laudna’s knuckles where they wrap around her other wrist. Her fingers are calloused and work-worn, the rough patches of them catching on the imperfect parts of Laudna. 

“You should be off tracking down your mother or finding out what you can about the moon, and instead,” Laudna’s voice catches in her throat, “you’re here.”

Imogen shakes her head, exhales. “Where I should be is for me to decide.” She says it gently. It is not meant to be a reprimand. It still feels like one. “And where I should be,” she continues, “is wherever you are.” 

Laudna’s eyes flit anywhere but Imogen’s face. 

“If you want me there, of course.”

Laudna’s response is instant. “Always.” 

She finally meets Imogen’s eyes and is met with a somewhat furrowed brow. She wants to ask something, Laudna can tell. Imogen’s head is tilted curiously, her lips slightly parted. Her jaw works subtly, muscles tensing. 

“It’s not your fault,” she settles on at last. “None of it, okay?”

Laudna opens her mouth to respond.

Imogen is steely calm. “You were gone, Laudna. And I couldn’t reach you, and…and you’re here now. You’re back, and that’s all that matters.” 

Laudna shrinks into the pillows, takes her hand back beneath the sheet, fist clenching and unclenching. “I feel like such a nuisance,” she confesses quietly. “I should have tried harder to break her hold on me. I should have–”

“No. Gods,” Imogen snaps, lacking any real bite. She inhales. “Laudna, you…you were dead. And I hate sayin’ it; I hate thinkin’ about it. You couldn’t’ve done anythin’ more than what you did.” She softens, throat tightening with emotion. “You did so much. And I’m so proud of you. And… I’m so grateful you chose to come back.” 

“It wasn’t much of a choice,” Laudna whispers, “I couldn’t very well leave you, darling.” 

“You could’ve.” Imogen bites her lip, ducks her head, fiddles with the hem of her vest. “We, um, I know F.C.G. told you, but we… saw some of your memories. And, and I didn’t really wanna bring it up? So I’m real sorry, but we only saw a couple moments, and we don’t have to talk about it, but,” she looks back to Laudna, “you’re so brave. I don’t think you get told that enough. You’re so strong, Laud, and so good, and I missed you. So much.” She takes a sharp breath.

It bursts out as though holding it in any longer might suffocate her, and Laudna’s hands cease their twitching. She hesitates. Imogen’s affection has split her open, and it’s odd, she thinks, to feel so vulnerable and so safe. That those two sensations can coexist as a tingling in her chest that extends into her tendons and ligaments to warm her all over. She can sense the discolored blush rising in her cheeks. 

She does not feel brave. Strength has always been foreign and abstract. That Imogen can see her that way is… incongruous. Absurd, even. 

“You’re very kind.”

Imogen looks as if she might protest but seems to think better of it. She sighs, a slight, sad smile crossing her lips. She moves to stand again, to cross the room back to her seat, and suddenly, the thought of Imogen being so far away is unbearable. 

“Stay, please?” Laudna shuffles, lifting a corner of the quilt. “This bed is plenty big enough for two, and I dread to think of the state of your neck curled up in the window.”

“You’re sure?” Imogen asks, faint hope coloring her words. 

“Come here.” 

The bed dips again as Imogen clambers in, pressing herself against Laudna, who lets out an oomph as Imogen wraps around her and intertwines their fingers. 

“Sorry!” Imogen says with a relieved exhale, “Sorry, I just–I know I said it before, but… I really missed you.” 

“I missed you, too,” Laudna assures gently, taking in the oaty smell of Imogen. The smell of home. “Rest well, darling.” 

Imogen squeezes their hands in response and burrows closer. 

Laudna relaxes into the embrace.

[lessthanimpressedlesbian]

The ritual failed.

Imogen has already lost her love; she can't bear to part with her most cherished possessions as well.

On her belt hangs Pâté, opposite her coin purse. She strokes his back every time she thinks of Laudna, but soon changes course to his skull when the fur starts to fall out from her constant ministrations.

Sashimi stays in the portable hole with their home, too heavy and cumbersome for Imogen to carry regularly. Though she tried for a week.

In her thigh holster are Laudna's scissors. Imogen will never use them for combat, but she can't stand the thought of having them separated from her body. For as long as she knew Laudna, the woman never went out without them attached to her belt. Imogen will gladly give up the option of a dagger if it means keeping this small part of her love with her.

A long strand of red thread has been braided around her wrist, a newer reminder of how deeply and completely Laudna loved her. Though she'll never get to see her again, Imogen holds onto hope that the thread will be enough to remind her to wake up from every nightmare, both new and old.

On a chain around her neck, tucked under her yellow bandana, lies the ring Imogen gave her. The metal hurts her lightning-scarred hands, but even still Imogen finds herself playing with the ring when she can't find the will to choke back her tears. She never got to tell Laudna how much she loved her, how desperately she wanted to use this very ring to propose a new life together.

The ritual failed.

So Imogen fashions herself into an altar for her beloved, worshipping her in death in ways she never got the chance to in unlife.

[xanthera]

Can’t wait for Laudna to do something extremely dangerous and/or self-sacrificial to try to win back Imogen’s trust. Either she’ll do something needlessly destructive that causes collateral damage in an “I would break the world for you” moment of being truly scary-scary, or she’ll put herself in harm’s way in order to protect Imogen in a fight because she values Imogen’s safety more than she does her own. Alternatively, if Laudna has been sparing Imogen the details of her death, she might decide to tell her the full story of what Delilah did in order to prove to her that no, Laudna would never do what that bitch wanted, not after everything she did she did to her. Reliving her trauma is a small price to pay for Imogen’s trust. She has to believe that Laudna didn’t mean to break the crystal if she shares those painful memories that she doesn’t want to think about. Right?

Anyway, I don’t know how it’s going to happen, but Laudna is definitely going to hurt herself somehow for Imogen’s sake, and it’s gonna hurt real bad (:

[giantsnweretigersnbugbearsohmy]

I have so many thoughts on this and a lot of it comes down to A) Dark Triad machiavellian narcissists are proven to be less emotionally intelligent, and yet believe they are very good at it, B) the Hells as people have been traumatized by their pasts, are being manipulated and faced with unknowns, and are 9/10 the type to try to diffuse a situation without lethal force, C) EXU: Calamity is colouring a lot of player perception, particularly Travis, who played in Calamity. Pre-emptive apologies @dumbass-rogue because I want to build on this, and I've been thinking about this A LOT since last night and it might get long! The Dark Triad and Manipulators

So the dark triad is a collection of personality traits that are typically negative and what we would classify as markers of 'evil' characters/people - Machiavellianism, Narcissism, and Psychopathy. This is not to say that only 'bad' or 'evil' people have those traits - we all have them on a sliding scale and at different amounts over the periods of our lives. (Interestingly there's also new studies about the Light Triad, which is not necessarily the inverse of the dark, but a collection of positive traits that are typically associate with everyday saints, and having done a quick boo at some research yesterday I think actually a lot of the Hells separately and together have light triad traits but that's a story for another post!) -- Anyways!

So people with higher than normal amounts of these traits tend to be cunning manipulators with little care for morals, who think extra highly of themselves and have low empathy. However, when you have an over inflated ego, that leads to an unrealistically high belief in your own abilities - you think you're better than you are. Meanwhile, that ability to manipulate people relies on being able to prey on peoples emotions, secrets, and triggers, but to be able to do that *really* well, there has to be a pretty decent emotional intelligence, which often relies on empathy to be developed. So the fact that Yu believes they're a master manipulator is par for the course, when actually they're just alright. They give themself away by in many cases by seeking the extreme reaction - from lovebombing Laudna to inciting and triggering Orym as a half-elf man (who I assume resembles his husband?), saying they didn't cause any harm and in fact saved people when in actuality they put Fearne on the Unseelie hitlist and tried very hard to put people in danger during the race. They do this because the subtlety of smaller emotions is hard for them to read (lacking empathy), and think they're getting away with it, while also deeply believing that they're so good they're of *course* getting away with it.

They will continue to play the 'alternative facts'/'reality building card of gaslighting so stubbornly, and in the wake of other people getting a word in edgewise (that command from imogen, if it had gone off, would have been, I think, a bit of a game-changer in that instance), so continuously, that it will throw people's perceptions into question, and it's not the eventual recalling that they did in fact put people into danger, but the interrupted processing of that deep dive into memory that Yu and other manipulative gaslighters go for, because it throws the mind into cognitive overload so it's taking in too much at once and people go blank, forced to make split second decisions because they're stalled in their working memory, unable to access their long-term memory. It's not that Yu is actually a master manipulator, it's that they *think* they are, and that they are so stubborn and so insistent on interrupting people's own decision-making and processing functions that they can force people into a state of unsettled perception, where they are forced to make split second decisions about what they believe to be true in the moment. Which leads me to my next point -- Bell's Hells are traumatized, and more specifically, Bell's Hells are traumatized by an inability to trust themselves, almost categorically, all of them.

Bell's Hells Don't Trust Themselves Laudna was tricked into trusting the Briarwoods when she was alive, and then was killed for it, and now has an evil manipulator living in her head that forces her to do bad things. Imogen has not just her own intrusive thoughts, but all the unsaid intrusive thoughts of literally EVERYONE around her, making it extremely difficult to understand which of those thoughts are hers, which are hers but intrusive, and who she really is within all of that. Chetney apprenticed to such a toxic boss that halfway across the world he's wary of anyone associated with them, which likely made his trust his own judgement of people, and with the werewolf aspect of himself, has urges that are difficult to control. Ashton gave his life for his first found family, and was literally abandoned and left to die, and probably believes that they deserved that for something they did, which is likely why they believe no one likes them. Fearne is in a whole new realm that plays by very different rules than the feywilds, and grew up extremely sheltered by someone who, frankly did a lot of reality-building and lying to her - even if it was for loving reasons, which throws a lot of her own ability to trust and trust herself into question. FCG has been lied to for the entirety of their re-awakened existence and can't trust Dancer's programing, or their apparent core programming, because it's been damaged - maybe by dancer, maybe by being out of commission for so long, who knows? And then there's Orym who is holding so much grief, and whose moral compass has been deeply challenged by both the Crownkeepers and the Hells since expanding his worldview and leaving Zephrah. He's volatile when it comes to anything rlating to his husband and hurting, and very much a protector who's terrified of anyone (including himslf) hurting his friends. Protecting them, since he couldn't protect his husband when it counted, probably weighs heavily on him.

There have ben posts bopping around fandom about how the hells are trusting of each other but not themselves, and that, I think, is essentially why they let Yu talk for so long and set them so off-kilter. Their family works because they are all essentially good people who value the lives of others, and who reality-check for each other. When you don't trust yourself, you rely on others to tell you what's true. To confirm or deny the reality you exist within. You also fall back on experiences that you can use as proof - they fell in with each other in a moment of conflict and stress, and it was the best thing that happened to them! They find Dusk in a moment of conflict and stress, and they seem so nice (love-bombing), and like they need some help trusting themself and understanding their reality too, just like everyone else in the Hells...past experience suggests this will be positive because it was the last time! So they adopt Dusk.

....So I said I wasn't going to go into the Light Triad, but I think I have to to also further explain my point as to why the Hells go out of their way to win by non-lethal methods. So The Light Triad is comprised of Kantianism (treating people as means unto themselves, valuing them as whole beings, not tools to meet your needs), Humanism (valuing the worth and dignity of all people), and faith in humanity (believing in the fundamental goodness of humanity).

Ashton saw dignity and worth in the addict in the alley, and refused to pick their pocket and take what little they had. Orym is careful with guards and others that people in higher positions might deem 'expendable', because he sees them as people, whole people with lives and husbands and families, and Laudna is the epitome of someone who believes in the fundamental goodness of humanity, even after she's been through and seen the worst of it. The Hells, as a whole, come at problems sideways, not because they're necessarily bad at fighting head on, but because they want to cause the least damage they can to people. They don't want to hurt others the way they've been hurt, and they want to give people the benefit of the doubt they often haven't been given. That's why they go for the haunting plays, to scare people who others see as expendable out of danger. That's why they often use tricks and traps (generally non-lethal) because it does the job just as well when the goal is a treasure hunt and not murder, and why even with the race, while violent, their choices weren't nearly as lethal as they could have been. Even the encounter with the creature in the hellcatch (not a purple worm, but same vibes?) they went to try to deescalate rather than fight. They wanted to understand, not kill.

This is the goal of Bell's Hells, and the uniqueness of the party. They want to understand the assignment, and then they zero in on how to complete it with the least casualties. That's why they're so 'indecisive' as Yu claims - thy're not. They're just looking for the most effective way to be as non-lethal while still achieving a goal as possible. It's much less straight forward that Yu's choices would be. And recognizing all of that, its easy to understand why the Hells got caught upin Yu's gaslighting, and why they were so hesitant to kill them. Echoes of EXU: Calamity Then of course we've got the deal with Birdie, Ollie, the Nightmare King, and the device, and the very recent EXU: Calamity broadcast that throws arcane achievement into stark-relief for the kind of unknowns and untold dangers it can bring, while also placing what normally would be trusted NPCs (parents trying to save the world!) with an evil NPC the party has already dealt with and been concerned about. I think, honestly, Travis was metagaming a bit because he didn't want to have his own 'Blight the Tree of Names' moment, and that's super fair! Ambition can be god but it's not always healthy, and also we're all whole people who bring our whole selves into everything we do, so it's really, really hard sometimes not to metagame!

This whole scenario and the choices made are so deeply fascinating to me - I can't wait to see what the fallout will be!

I love Yu, I really do. But I don't really understand what their end goal was during the confrontation and I don't think they are as good as manipulating as people say they are.

For one they were intentionally making a case against themselves and against Birdie at the same time. Between shifting into people the Bell's Hells care for as a way to hurt them and distract them, lying about what they were doing, admitted that they did let dangerous people know about Fearne and then lied by saying they did nothing to put her in danger. The entire time they were so obviously twisting words and making even the group 2nd guess what they are saying and asking, all of which they called her out on because it was obvious.

And they did all this and the Bells hells still let them go?? Because what she didn't physically attack them?? Birdie wasn't attacking the Bells Hells either, she was really acting in self defence from being ASSASSINATED but in that instance she was the bad guy because she was that forth coming with infomation IN FRONT OF HER ASSASSIN???