#i think im still upset and woozy after today's physical

[stupidcanofpeaches]

sometimes i feel like im running out of time to do anything. i see all this art around me gorgeous sketches and edits and animatics and i think man i wish i kept doing this back when i had more free time more energy. i wish i was brave enough to keep singing i wish i kept trying to learn how to play guitar i wish i kept drawing my shitty little sketches and i just didn't. i didn't. so what now? all i can do is write and it just doesn't feel like enough it really doesn't. i feel like i was more brave when i was a teenager. now i open one of my many empty sketchbooks and i look at the page and i swear one of these days ill cry real hard about it. nowadays its like if im not instantly good at something it doesn't feel like its worth to continue. i draw a character, the character looks like crap and i feel like crap and i put it down. all of my expensive watercolor pencils and nice markers and oil pastel are just gathering dust while im waiting to feel brave enough to tackle my failures. and its not like i owe this to anyone to do this, i don't have to be very good at it to enjoy it but something in me doesn't allow it. why must i feel like it needs to be good why must i feel like i have to get something out of it whether attention or validation or profit. why can't i just do my shitty art for the sake of it and the enjoyment of the process of creating something?

its not supposed to be a race and im not losing but ill be damned if it doesn't feel like im dead last in some marathon i did not want to participate in.