#i think ill get to here lies the abyss and The Choice and then hit alt f4 and delete the whole save

[pentaghast]

i still miss alistair tho. saw some screenshots of him in inquisition w the original alistair mod and almost starting crying

[thegirlwhohasnochill]

The Disease of Addiction

Euphoria Special Episode Part 1: Rue (Recap & Review)

Before I begin my official review of this episode, I would like to preface my thoughts with a bit of a primer about spoilers and trigger warnings. The show covers a range of topics from addiction to mental health. Still, I specifically want to warn anyone reading that I explicitly talk about and mention the topic of suicide in my review. If this is triggering for you in any way, please, don’t read ahead and take care of yourself! Okay, that’s it; I hope you enjoy my thoughts, and please let me know if you have any feedback or comments for my review and things I can change or fix in the future.

Where to begin with such a loaded episode...we knew the format and style of the episode would be simplistic based on the current realities of filming amidst a pandemic and what we saw to be a scene from Season 2 that the creator Sam Levinson expanded upon. Zendaya herself let us know that the episode's storytelling method would be vastly different from what we’ve already seen on the show. The format and simplicity of the episode, in contrast to the loaded dialogue and content of the scenes, are perfect. The camera takes you right into the middle of these conversations with Rue and Ali. But before we can even dive into what they talk about, we have to address the elephant in the room that is Rules. The episode begins with what is probably one of the most gut-wrenching sequences I have seen on the show. Because we know the reality and truth of their current predicament, Rue’s peppered kisses across Jules’ body and her tight squeezes and hugs from behind Jules evoke a strong sense of loss and pain for the viewer. The sheer intensity of the physicality of Rue’s affection for Jules is so overpowering and overwhelmingly present, we can almost feel the imbalance in their relationship through the screen. There is something to be said for the harsh reality of Rue’s dependence on Jules being reflected even in such a non-objective dream-like sequence. And yet, even in Rue’s wildest dreams and happiest stupor, she does not imagine the sobriety of her future. To me, that is indeed the crux of her character and the essence of this episode. Ali himself says, “The point is your sobriety.” And while it may feel like a focal point of discussion, the conversation flows in a way that seems to bounce back and forth between the two like a simple tennis match. It is easy to follow between Ali’s most potent clearest convictions about how the world works and Rue’s drug-addled hazy perception. The inherent contrast between their mental states and the different points of life in which they are both standing hit the viewer at alternate moments.

But we know Rue is not sober even as she lies to Ali and stumbles out of the bathroom, the shaky camerawork conveying her recent use. She is wearing the same shirt from the dream but has her signature hoodie on, her messy curly locks running down her back and glassy eyes staring straight ahead. The scene moves from her imagination of life with Jules to her lies about use. Her eventual admittance to being a high-functioning user happens as quickly as the conversation moves from sobriety to faith.

So I might be biased and hence don’t think I am incorrect in admitting that Zendaya has never given us a bad performance in her life. Even as she lies to Ali’s face and he is quick to call out her apparent contradictions, the faint slurring of her voice and her glazed eyes tell all. As striking as the conversation is, it feels even stranger for me to admit I felt comforted by Rue’s confession to thoughts of ending her life. And even as she admits to the darkest moments in her mind, Ali’s face and reaction are an even better neutralizer for what would generally be such an alarming thing to say to someone you barely know. As they continue to discuss her eventual relapse and all the reasons behind it (including racing thoughts encompassing “all the things I remember and all the things I wish I didn’t”), the viewer can envision the sequence of events that was shown to us in the finale - her fights with her mother and sister, her first time using when her father was fast asleep, her father’s death, her sister finding her after her overdose.

As much as I would like to quote the entire episode, I have to say Ali’s monologue about the idea that none of us are born evil and that society views mental illness and addiction as a personal moral failure rather than an overarching system many of us are incapable of overcoming, to be one of, if not the most decisive moments of the entire show. The line about coming out of the womb with “a few wires crossed” but still a beautiful baby girl eventually messing her way up through life struck a chord in me. I didn’t ask to be born this way. I don’t feel in control of my mind or the way it ever seems to work. And I’m always going to be a bad person. The disease of addiction and mental illness lets you - no, it makes you - view everything you have ever done in your life as not a consequence of the way your mind works, but as an active choice, you have consistently made, as you screwed up everything you’ve ever loved, and let down everyone you have ever cared about. The disease is not you as a person or even the way you think, and yet it is powerful enough to feel that way. Almost like the rapid cycling between mania and depression, the disease flips between, making you feel like the most powerful, invincible person alive and the absolute scum of the earth. There is nothing in between.

Ali’s backstory and his monologues about his change in faith from Christianity (when he was previously known as Martin) to Islam and the world's revolutions were fascinating. Side note: I did think the line about women converting to Islam was unnecessary, but I digress.

Rue’s understanding of the Narcotics Anonymous program's steps was the perfect way to bring in the conversation of faith. As she mentions her difficulty in coming to terms with the idea that there is greater power in charge of her behaviour and the way she surrenders herself to drugs, Ali chimes in with, “You don’t believe there is a power on Earth greater than Rue.” She disagrees and continues quoting and citing different sources she believes to be omniscient and great. And I absolutely agree with her. To me, there is no greater power than the source of art, the music that keeps me going, that feels like it’s the only thing keeping me from stopping the blood pumping through my veins. I understand Rue. But I also understand Ali. And yet, when Rue goes on to talk about the inexplicable workings of the world, my heart stops. There is no reason. There is no reason for the absolute pain and loss and suffering I’ve experienced, for the trauma I’ve witnessed and endured. For the absolutely horrifying things, the people closest to me have lived through. It is merely chaos. There is no reason I wake up every single day, regretting the fact that I did indeed wake up and that I am alive and breathing. So I Understand Rue. But Ali’s monologue about the moral arc of the universe and the unfathomable ways in which life and history line themselves up, to open our very eyes to the realizations we come to daily, is overwhelming. And yet, while he is waxing poetic about the intricacies of the world, we can see Rue’s exhausted eyes glaze over further, still unimpressed. “Maybe I’ll start a revolution like Malcolm X or something”, she quips back. But Ali is quick to counter; revolutions are no longer revolutionary.

Life as we know it is hypocrisy and foolish symbolism, only emphasizing his point about the universe's ridiculousness. Does any of it have meaning? Or is the meaningless void just another puzzle piece in a picture we will never get to see? There is also something to be said about Rue’s facial expressions as Ali continues his train of thought about her “generation”. As we often do when we hear our elders dismissively brush off our many concerns, she almost rolls her eyes. But he is listening, and he knows. “You think you’re out here fighting a revolution, and Bank of America is on your side? Give me a fucking break.” He’s not wrong. His speech reminds me of the masses of teens on TikTok creating video content specifically catered to an audience with an aesthetic that glamorizes the image of a revolutionary teen hero. But instead of a blazing bow and arrow, it is the common cell phone and a punchy soundtrack filtered through digitized audio. What would typically come across as preachy in any show catered to teens is, in fact, poignant. It also reminds me of how self-aware Euphoria is, knowing it’s guilty of falling into the same trap it accuses the viewer of doing.  

You have to commit to bettering yourself, Ali essentially tells Rue. And to me, that is the most inherently human struggle we will ever face in our lifetimes. As long as we exist, we have to face the idea that each day is, in fact, not going to be easier than the last. And when he tells her that he believes in her and that the hope of her success (that may one day come) should be greater than the failure of her current demise holding her back, I want to cry. I keep thinking about that edit of Rue to this is me trying by Taylor Swift.

The music of the song that Jules has texted to Rue swells, and it is easy to get caught up in the angst of the moment. It accompanies the words, “I miss you.” And if it wasn’t for Ali’s conversation with his daughter as background noise, one would simply soak in the gut-wrenching pain of their separation. The juxtaposition of Ali trying his absolute best to cling to his family as Rue continues to isolate herself from her loved ones and push herself further into the abyss makes my heart physically hurt.

Ms. Marsha’s spell-binding words of wisdom about sobriety and relationships compared to Rue’s tired exhaustion imminently displayed on her face make the viewer a little wary of what comes next. Her misunderstanding of a juvenile relationship with Jules is made clear when Ali confronts her about the fact that the two of them never had a real conversation about their feelings for one another. Rue’s distrust in the idea that things will eventually work themselves out stems from the fact that she feels disappointed by how her loved ones have left her so far. She eventually spirals into this negatively destructive way of thinking. She cognitively recognizes and justifies getting left behind because she thinks and believes she deserves terrible things in life. She lists examples of past deeds to further cement her argument. But Ali counters back with the simple statement that “Drugs change who you are as a person.” Regardless of her actions, he believes she is still a genuinely good individual while she argues that she is absolutely not. My favourite part of this whole conversation and the entire episode is the manner in which Ali questions Rue’s negative cognitive patterns. Her brain and mind essentially excuse bad behaviour by convincing her that she will never be a good person. Hence she can never forgive herself, and thus, she will continue to remain in this cyclical pattern. Our actions may be inexcusable, but they do not line up with our intentions. The inevitable human struggle is not whether we are fundamentally good or bad, evil, flawed or perfect, but if we are (and again, not to quote my other favourite show, The Good Place) trying to be a better person than we previously were. If we recognize that our actions are wrong and we are capable of experiencing remorse and regret for said actions, who's to say we are entirely incapable of change. This reductive polarizing, and dismissive way of thinking is characteristic of the brains of most people living with a mental illness. Our outside influences, such as drugs, can all be contributing external factors to how we conduct ourselves through life. Ali’s short bit about redemption and human beings deeming actions unforgivable forever can easily be paralleled to direct conversations we have online about “cancel culture”. The phenomenon of dismissing and reducing someone to their mistakes instead of allowing them to grow from them is a nice sentiment. Still, if we do not truly take accountability into action and witness no real changes or remorse, we can quickly get stuck in that cycle. Even if our beliefs do not line up with our actions, drugs can eventually change that. The belief system we hold so dearly, the convictions we strongly feel, can all be washed away by the simple use of drugs, Ali explains as he tells Rue about his family background. His experiences with abuse and his eventual hypocrisy as he plays the role he always feared in his family leave the viewer speechless. As we watch him tell his tale of regret, there is no woe or sorrow in admitting he is or isn’t a fundamentally good or bad person, just the thought of his attempt to change his ways that impacts the viewer.

As the viewer waits with bated breath to see what comes out of Rue’s mouth next, it is not a surprise (to me personally). Rue has no intention of staying sober because she has no intention of staying alive much longer. Ali asks her why she feels that way. She responds with her sentiments about the cruelty of the world. Ali understands. We truly are living in dark times, witnessing truly horrific events, and the fact that we even have the capacity to care any longer is indicative of our will to stay alive. It doesn’t make much sense when you think about it, but when you are so sad, so grief-stricken by the news, by the world’s turn of events, by the mere thought of witnessing more tragedy that you cannot bear to be alive any longer, it means that you are deeply invested. Invested in the way things will turn out even if you do not personally believe you want to participate or even be privy to being complicit in a system that does nothing but churn out pain, anger, and hatred. When I was at the lowest point in my life and attempted to end my own life, I was overwhelmed by the goings-on of the world. As emotionally drained as Rue is, a part of her still cares. She wants her sister and mother to know that she really tried. Just as I wanted and still want my parents and friends to be okay without me when I do eventually leave this earth. Of course, I care about what happens to them. The idea that suicide or suicidal ideation is inherently selfish is so contradictory to the reality of how suicidal individuals genuinely feel. It is the opposite. We care more than most, and we care to the point that it hurts to extend another moment of kindness to ourselves amid all the chaos and madness of the world. But still, we try. We do our best. Ali believes in Rue. He has faith in her.

The entire episode ends on a melancholy note as Rue and Ali depart the diner with Rue wistfully staring out the window as he drives her home. Ali loves his conversations with Rue and vice-versa. The fact that two people can be sitting at a diner alone on Christmas Eve talking about the beauty and cruelty of the world and everything ranging from politics to addiction to suicide to love to family and anything in between goes to show us that humans will always find a way. The fact that two people struggling and suffering from addiction can find their own way about and amidst the chaos of the world and still have these meaningful conversations about life and existence tells us that ultimately, Trouble Don’t Last Always.

[something-tofightfor]

The Punisher Season 2: Episodes 11-13

Initial reactions as I watched these episodes.

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT. SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT. SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT. I literally tagged it four different ways for spoilers so if you read them after this it’s your own damn fault. 

11: The Abyss Frank covered in blood and nearly dead and handcuffed.... stop me if you’ve heard this before Two person rescue mission at the hospital Amy seems concerned. Curtis is about done with Frank’s shit John. I think your wife is dead...nevermind. She is dead. Yikes. So this is all for nothing. FUCKING KAREN KAREN Karen is fucking heeeeeeeere K A R E N SHE IS NOT LETTING ANYONE KEEP HER FROM FRANK IVE BEEN WAITING THIS IS ALL IN CAPS BUT HOLY HELL THIS IS EVERYTHING But what the fuck is she wearing a cape LOOK AT HER FRANK how do you feel about him Karen FUCKING SAY IT SAY IT YOU GODDAMN ASSHOLES JUST FUCKING ADMIT IT Madani is so obsessed with this. I don’t think frank killed those women. I think they were already dead and billy had a plan to make him think that he did. And it’s working IM SO SICK OF THESE DEAD WIFE FLASHBACKS THEYRE HOLDING HANDS I REPEAT HOLDING HANDS All frank wanted was a family and to be done... my heart is aching. Frank talking about his kids oh my god Straight into “i would have killed anything that got in my way” Lmfao everyone is in this room - WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK RING RING ITS BILLY FUCK OFF KRISTA what I’m trying to figure out is why Krista is helping him - what is her motive? I was right. Frank didn’t kill them. I’m going to blame it all on this bitch because I don’t like her. She keeps saying “for us”... what is this us? Doesn’t she understand that Billy won’t leave? He wants the things that he’s worked for... not just her... or maybe not her at all. He says she makes him happy... but I don’t buy it. She’s saying all of the right things... but she doesn’t mean them. This.... im.... just... hmm. Time is running out for Billy to redeem himself. Ed is my favorite character. HERE COMES THE KRISTA BACK STORY spill all the details now because i hate you you dumb bitch BILLY DID NOT SAY US. He said we- but not us. NO NO NO NO you don’t love him. YEAH BITCH WHO WAS KM oh shit she has daddy issues. Everything makes sense now. Her father tried to kill her and threw her out a goddamn window... ok. So she fucking becomes a therapist and bangs her patient to get closure from the fact that her father tried to kill her. .................. Jesus Martha Kent, calm down. This dude is bad news. God at least take a selfie with frank AMY HOLY HELL LISTEN TO KAREN OH MY GOD HERE IT COMES DAMN STRAIGHT SHE WILL THROW EVERYTHING AWAY FOR YOU FRANK CASTLE “you cannot keep loving people in your dreams” FUCK OFF AMY JESUS CHRIST FUCK ALL THE FUCKING WAY OFF YOU DUMB LITTLE BRAT Frank castle in full police uniform FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF all he wanted were her shoes 🤣 oh, Ed Goddammit Brett

12: Collision Course Brett is a shit driver Another Manson song... hmmmmmmmm Oh yikes that’s an ambulance crash if I’ve ever seen one Brett doesn’t look so good Well that’s one way to fix a dislocated shoulder there frank Holy god supporting a grown ass man on a fucked shoulder “BR 143/24” graffiti on the bridge.... wonder if it’s just coincidence but it’s the only thing on the wall so i don’t think it is Good choice Brett Well fuck Pilgrim is going to Madani’s house BILLY RUSSO IS NOT GOING TO RUN OFF WITH YOU FUCKING KRISTA if this isn’t a long con on his part, I’m going to be fucking pissed. He didn’t say “i promise” and you lied to him. Don’t lie to billy Billy may be mentally unstable but Krista is ILL. Why is she calling Madani?!? She’s too fucking detactched MADANI SEE FUCKING PAST YOUR OWN NOSE FOR ONE SECOND AND FIGURE THIS OUT wait i think she just did Also.... Krista’s going to fucking make billy think frank is coming after her even though he isn’t... this is going to be messy as hell Nevermind... he went to the trailer. SHIT SHIT SHIT POOR CURTIS Well Curtis only has one kneecap? Soooooooo Oh look it’s Amy ruining every fucking thing again I GASPED OUT LOUD DURING THIS CURTIS FIGHT poor dude BITCH BILLY LIED TO YOU HES NOT GOING TO GET THE PAPERWORK dammit nevermind he did. Shit. Are you really planning on running off with this bitch, Billy Russo ?! The fuck?! Well Curtis is still alive Oh and frank kidnapped someone, ok cool Billy can’t just fucking let frank go, right? Like............. Back to the Russians again. It’s his dad, Frank. Let me save you some trouble. I believe him. I think he really didn’t know that anything was being done. An honest senator?!? I thought that buckshot was pomegranate seeds for a minute Are you actually going to shoot him, Amy? Madani is at Krista’s door - calling it BINGO Is Krista going to fucking hit madani with this teapot? Billy is buying her flowers?! Madani playing Krista... this I like. I hope billy walks in this goddamn door SHE FOUND THE JOURNAL. She KNOWS HOLY SHIT SHE STABBED HER WITH SCISSORS Battle of Billy’s Bitches OH MY GOD HOLY FUCK MADANI PUSHED HER OUT A FUCKING WINDOW Billy had something taken away from him yet again. This is.... not going to end well. He’s gonna think it was frank. FUCK. WOW HOLY FUCK.

13: The Whirlwind Billy, as assumed is not happy. “You had to make it about her” uh, yeah.... it’s always been about that fucking psychopath therapist That’s not the end of Billy Russo.  it cant be. FaceTime With Frank™️ Bitch that is CLEARLY a threat Amy’s room service? Except she’s hiding around the corner This kid’s name is LEMMUEL?!!? “He came after me” BITCH YOU THREW HIS GIRLFRIEND OUT A WINDOW OF COURSE HE CAME FOR YOU holy crap, madani’s done?!? WRONG ROOM FRANK Putting lots of holes in the wall and OH HELLO FRANK IS GOING RIGHT THROUGH IT Shit look at Amy again screwing everything up Frank has bad luck with elevators in hotels He fights best when he is cornered Omg billy getting operated on by a drunk... Jesus. .... If he dies on this operating table .... NO ANESTHESIA JESUS CHRIST BILLY so much goddamn pain .... GET THE FUCKING BULLETS OUT DOCTOR DRUNKARD. COME THE FUCK ON. HES NOT DEAD They sure did, David. Oh my god. This doctor threw him in a fucking dumpster Fuck fuck fuck fuck Amy trying to talk sense into John.... ok, sure Jan. PEOPLE NEVER CHANGE Who are you meeting Brett? Oh. Curtis and David. Doing the right thing could have fucked over Frank, Curtis. THINK ABOUT THAT. He played the family card. Fuck off John Pilgrim. If i had a dollar for every time frank told someone to point a weapon at him.... OUCH, Frank’s face. Aaaand there it goes through some glass and chains.... Jesus These two men can barely stand WHERE THE FUCK IS BILLY frank’s got a giant pipe . Didn’t Daredevil wrap chains around his arm too? THIS IS EMBARRASSING FRANK GET IT TOGETHER there you go, with the oxygen tank Asking for leniency for his kids with his last breath... damn “You’re the whirlwind” FUCKING CURTIS IS BILLY IN YOUR ROOM AGAIN no. Fucking Billy. Oh lord. GO BE WITH HIM CURTIS JESUS PLEASE “I don’t want to die alone” Dinah and Krista again.... FML You don’t love him, girl, i promise And he’s not coming from you FRANK . . . . . Fucking hell. Jesus. No redemption. He died alone and scared and sad and in pain. Fucking hell. .... keep the lies going Curtis and Madani. End of story. Bye Eliza. BYEEEEEE. WAIT WHAT HE LET PILGRIM LIVE?!? Well, i guess it’s nice that Frank has something to care about. Too bad I feel nothing for Amy. Still. What the fuck do you want Madani? She’s with the CIA now?!!? LAST FUCKING SCENE. Daaaaaaamn.

[ladynorbert]

Hey ladynorbert!! This is your Wintersend secret Santa lady. I have been watching you from afar (in a totally non-creepy way I promise) and I've noticed you're a really avid writer. I would like to therefore make you an art. I know your fave pairing is Varric/Bethany, so I was wondering if you could write a little bit about why? And how you characterize Bethany in your head. I don't know much about them and DA2 is probably my least-played game. So anything you might share would be so helpful!

MY MOMENT HAS ARRIVED. SOMEONE ACTUALLY WANTS ME TO TALK ABOUT MY LOVE FOR THIS OTP. MANY APOLOGIES TO THE REST OF YOU BECAUSE THIS IS A SUBJECT ON WHICH I HAVE A LOT TO SAY AND RARELY GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO SAY IT.

Let’s see, where do I begin?

[Editor’s note: With me, obviously. I’m right here.]

Ah yes, excellent point, voice in my head that never quite goes away.

Varric Tethras is a member of the Dwarven Merchants’ Guild, though not entirely by choice I suspect. He’s rich, he’s well-connected, he’s charming, he’s cultured. I am deeply attached to him because there are many things we have in common - we both had an alcoholic parent whose drunken rages were a defining part of our childhoods, we both write stories which are strangely well-received, we both prefer to be by the fire, we are both intensely loyal to those who have earned our loyalty, and we both like pretty much everybody until they give us a reason not to like them.

Varric has a very painful past for a number of reasons. The Tethras family was always, in many ways, more like a business than a family; his official biography (for the DA tabletop RPG) even says that his older brother Bartrand always treated him more like a colleague than a sibling. His father died when he was a toddler; his mother was a drunk; and his brother cared more about making money than anything. He had a torrid love affair with another dwarf, and Inquisition makes it clear that there’s still some lingering feeling, but she broke off the plan to elope and instead went through with the marriage her parents arranged for her. 

Basically, I feel like for years, all Varric knew about love was that it hurt you in one way or another. Then he met the Hawkes.

Bethany Hawke is the youngest of the three Hawke siblings. In the games where she survives the prologue, she’s already lost her father to the Blight and her twin brother to an ogre. She’s also an apostate mage, so she’s spent most of her life hiding from Templars and trying to conceal what she really is. Despite hardship and personal anguish, however, she’s an incredibly sweet, warm-hearted, generous person. (In games where she dies, Hawke tells Anders that Bethany never turned away anyone who needed her help.) If she goes to the Circle (which is where I always send her, because becoming a Grey Warden makes her miserable), she becomes highly regarded even by the Templars and is given a position of authority over younger student mages. 

She loves her family, she cares deeply for her friends, and she’s kind to practically everyone. As a result, she’s the only companion besides Varric who is liked by everyone else in Hawke’s personal circle. Even Fenris, who absolutely despises mages on principle, develops a strong affection for Bethany as well as respect for her mastery of her magic.

So that brings us to why do you ship it? Frankly, there’s so much ship tease inherent in their interactions that I have a hard time believing that the devs didn’t intend us to ship it. Here’s what I’ve observed.

1) Varric gives nicknames to everyone in his social circle (except Hawke and Aveline, and later the Inquisitor). By and large, these are either superficial (Blondie, Elf, Curly) or sarcastic (Tiny, Junior, Chuckles). Bethany’s is one of the few exceptions to that rule. Bethany’s nickname is Sunshine. It’s clearly affectionate.

2) Varric has several lines in which he talks about the sun. One of these is in a party banter with Bethany herself; she asks him about the Tethras family being Orzammar nobility, and he concludes his thoughts on the matter by saying that part of the reason he prefers the surface is because “it’s sunnier here”. He also tells Hawke, in a possible cutscene dialogue, that he was born on the surface and is perfectly happy about it because “Sunshine suits me just fine.” Plus, his final tarot card in Inquisition is literally The Sun. 

Sunshine is one of Varric’s favorite things. He named Bethany after something he loves.

3) When he first meets the Hawke siblings, Varric is very suave and charming toward Hawke because he wants Hawke to go along with his plan for the expedition. But when he starts talking to Bethany, his tone of voice changes. I don’t know how to explain it - he’s not quite flirting, but he’s damn close to it.

4) Varric snarks at everybody. Everybody. It’s just how he relates to people. But he’s never snarky toward Bethany. His voice is always full of fondness when he talks to her.

5) Bethany rarely laughs. But when she does, it’s either Hawke or Varric causing it - and her laugh for Varric sounds way more like a flirty giggle than anything.

6) If Bethany dies in the Deep Roads, Varric is devastated. I mean full-on crushed. (Props to Brian Bloom, because his voice acting brought me to tears. “Oh, Sunshine.”) And he continues to hate himself for years because of it… clicking on him during Act 2, which is set three years later, will sometimes prompt him to say “Poor Sunshine… Bartrand will pay for her death, I promise you.” 

7) Bring Varric and Bethany as companions for either/both of the DLC campaigns, then try to tell me that there’s not something there.

(a) Legacy has less flirting, probably because of the seriousness of the situation. Regardless of when it’s done, Bethany is so upset by what’s happened that it shows on her face. If the DLC is done in Act 1, Varric actually thinks she’s ill because she looks so upset, and he’s worried. If it’s done in 2 or 3 with Circle!Bethany, she’s understandably freaked out because the Carta actually attacked her in the Circle, and only the presence of Templars saved her. Varric’s remarks to her are soothing, reassuring, and a little bit teasing (which gets her to laugh). And even if it’s done with Warden!Bethany, there’s something there - he flat out tells her that it’s good to see her, and he’s the only companion toward whom she can’t be cold.

(b) Mark of the Assassin, though… bring Varric and Circle!Bethany. He straight up hits on her. First there’s this interaction where she’s fussing about her clothes.

“I can’t believe I wore this to the Chateau. Maker, what was I thinking?”

“That it’s the uniform of the Circle and you could make a burlap sack look good?”

“It’s hardly the height of fashion.”

“You would kill these people if you wore the height of fashion.”

Later, when they’re running around in the dungeons trying to find Hawke and Tallis, he makes a comment about the quickness of her stride. She quips back at him, rather playfully, and he says, “There’s my Sunshine.” That single line is spoken in absolutely the warmest and sweetest voice we ever hear him use in either game where he appears. 

8) In Act 1, after the Hawkes have reclaimed Grandfather Amell’s will, Varric has party banter in which he addresses Bethany as “Milady Sunshine” (making her giggle) and also “my lady.” Coupled with the “my Sunshine” line mentioned above, that’s a lot of possessive pronouns, Varric. She is literally the only character in any of the games whom he ever calls “my” anything other than “my friend.”

9) Like the rest of the DAII companions, Varric makes comments when someone falls in battle. If that someone happens to be Bethany, his reaction is very interesting. The line itself is a bit of gold - “Hold on, Sunshine, I’m coming!” - but the tone of voice is especially delightful. It manages to sound equal parts reassuring and really pissed off, like whatever took her down is going to pay dearly for touching her.

10) If she’s still alive in Inquisition, Varric has several lines in which he indicates that he writes to her frequently. He also has a very interesting line if Bethany went to the Circle and is still alive as of Inquisition; following the events of the quest “Here Lies the Abyss”, he may have party banter with Cassandra in which she inquires, “And Hawke’s sister - she’s still alive, isn’t she?” Varric’s response is to say, in a slightly hostile tone, “Better be!”

So why do I ship it? In shortest form, they are both generous people who give a lot to others. They both care a lot about other people, sometimes even when they know it’s not the wisest thing. Most of all, their interactions make it very clear that, romantically or otherwise, they genuinely love each other. Theirs is a warm, honest, mutually respectful relationship and I think that they could really be happy together in a healthy way. And after the amount of crap they’ve both survived, I really want them to be happy.

For more stuff like this, come to @sunny-stories - it’s the greatest boat in the history of boats.

Thank you so much for the ask, anon! I look forward to whatever beautiful gift you decide to craft for me - I’m sure I will love it!

[jamiedodgerart]

the fade is a liar sometimes

aka, a really long post about how mal hawke survived dragon age inquisition. warning for big but kinda vague spoilers for dai and mentions of alcoholism

ok full disclosure i dont know how he survived the fade. but im thinking the nightmare like. didnt wake back up in time to block the way through the portal, and so never caused the Do I Kill The Warden Or Hawke dilemma. cos. that was kiiiiiiiinda bullshit. 

i had to pick between alistair and mal. and i really didnt want mal to be actually really dead bc at the time of here lies the abyss he’d be in a really shitty place, mentally, and i didnt want him to just! die! without resolving that! so i gave canon the finger and concocted a convoluted plan to give mal a better ending

background, after the events of da2, he ended up leaving kirkwall and fuckin’ around in the woods for a bit. i imagine he was helping refugees get out for a little while, until anders showed up and convinced him to help groups of renegade mages/circles on the verge of winning their independence. at this point he was pretty sick of the world at large, didn’t know what he wanted or where he was going to go next, and let himself be (guided? directed? pushed around?) by anders, drinking himself into oblivion and generally feeling like garbage. he fell out of contact with most of his remaining friends and began convincing himself that he was guilty for the explosion, by trusting anders (he’d suspected something was wrong with the ingredients anders was asking for and confronted him about it, but trusted him and helped him by distracting the grand cleric)

i rambled about this on my private twitter but mal and anders... ended up not being a great fit for one another and past me said it better than present me can

eventually, the inquisition came into being and grew in power. anders, still being a wanted man and mal too by association, avoided the inquisition’s patrols pretty easily. but stories started to spread about the inquisitor and his... particularly creative justice. see, pica really likes choices that have some poetic irony to them that also focus on rebuilding (he had alexius work for the mages, stuff like that), generally avoids executions, and is pretty chill with mages. the inquisition is also independent of any government, really, and is about as impartial as you can get in thedas. so when mal gets word from varric that corypheus is back, a problem, and something they need mal’s help with (that is also, in his professional opinion, his fault), he gets an idea.

he heads to skyhold, meets pica (who read the tale of the champion, asks varric questions about it constantly, was expecting a hero, and was not expecting the hero to be a depressed alcoholic) and iunno here lies the abyss happens with the aforementioned edit of no one important dying (i guess i could kill alistair and preserve a kind of important turning point in pica’s character with an added bonus of giving mal another thing to have survivor’s guilt about but i dont think i could go through with it. imagine the emotional toll. pica could get that change some other way anyway) mal by this point has gotten to know pica fairly well and has found what he’s heard to be true, and gives him a proposition

(i would like to add now that while ive read asunder, until i looked it up just now i didn’t remember where it sits in the timeline relative to da2, and it wasnt super clear to me just how much each of the two events affected the mage/templar war. so some text in sketches might be inaccurate, historically)

so you can imagine that anders is Pissed Off by this development, but justice is kinda like 

cos like. pica Is a real actual authority figure. who is down to dispense some quality justice esp re mages. and is coming at it from a “yo i know you meant well and you did kinda have a point but you also killed a lot of people so there does have to be Some kind of consequence of that”

(but neither of them are at all happy with mal turning them in)

anyway the trial ends up including a full investigation of the events in kirkwall, as well as the events at the spire (cole, rhys, and evangeline all give their testimony) and it’s more a straightening out of what was up with the whole start of this shitshow anyway, cos the confusion and misinformation about it is probably the worst part. 

pica finds anders guilty and sentences him to community service, which a lot of people disagreed with. pica thinks it was a GREAT IDEA though because that community service comes in the form of anders teaching the inquisition mages about healing magic!! something that anders is good at, loves doing, and can actually help people with!! why are we still fuckin about with herbs when there’s magic!!!!! this also has the added bonus of making mages less scary to the general populace- chuckin’ fireballs is a lot more alien and intimidating than healing up a broken arm, yknow? it can help mages seem more human and good for society than they were, separated from the public in towers.

anders is still a prisoner, though, which hes super not happy about, and part of his sentence is also that dagna gets to study him. he and samson are in grudging solidarity in the face of tolerating her extreme cheerfulness. and maybe he gets a cat too. i wonder if he and samson could talk about how shitty the chantry is re: lyrium addiction in templars? its obvs not on the scale of mage shittiness but it could be an interesting discussion

see in the grand scheme of things mal really didnt do all that much. he was duped by a lover into doing something he 100% would not have done if hed known what was actually going on. i feel like the most anyone could bust him on was aiding and abetting. and maybe helping hide an apostate. mal was found, as pica informally put it while distracted by looking at a transcript of a kirkwall templar’s testimony, “kinda guilty? just like. if ur asked to help blow up a chantry dont do it again” but cassandra elbowed him really hard and he said “look ok your sentence is, fuck, i dunno, work for the inquisition. what do you wanna do”

that was not what mal was expecting and he didnt have an answer. and pica looked at him and said “ill give you some time to figure it out, ok. just. take care of yourself, man. u look like shit” which got him another elbow, which he returned to cass with equal force

anyway. mal is now officially Not Guilty in the court of the law. which fuckin sucks bc that assessment does absolutely NOTHING to stop his shit brain from keeping being guilty about everything. so he tries to quit drinking, fails, and just has a rough time in general, while also sometimes visiting anders in prison. which probably really doesn’t help.

ENTER WARDEN-COMMANDER OF FERELDAN, MADRANA “MAD” TABRIS, AND HER PARTNER/GF/ADULT SUPERVISION EMMARIE “EMMY” COUSLAND

(you may also know mads as hester, as i called her in previous playthroughs. hester’s not a really elfy name and shes grown far enough away from her namesake that i felt a change was warranted. also emmy was created by @1500birds. i love her)

thats them (mads then emmy) so mad tabris, legendary fighter, unkillable blight-ender, bather in darkspawn blood, and general bottle covey is looking for a challenge. its been like ten years since shes had an actually hard battle to win and she’s near skyhold, and she’s heard that mal hawke, another legendary fighter, is also in the area. oh and some cadash guy. hes apparently good too. also, she’s looking for some way out of the whole grey warden death sentence thing. shes not keen on dying unless she’s killed, ydig, and apparently skyhold’s doing a lot of groundbreaking research these days

she and emmy swing on in to skyhold and finds that hawke is, well, a mess

important background. mads is not good at dealing with other peoples’ emotions. so shes not really equipped to deal with this. emmy, however, is kind, has nerves of steel, loves to help people, and is Very equipped to deal with this. and so the two of them adopt mal. (even though hes older than both of them.) 

theyve got really, really different ways of trying to help mal. emmy is a great listener, and understands survivor’s guilt and the lost-all-my-family brand of trauma pretty well. she helps him sort through all the shit that’s happened to him and offers a lot of support. and hugs. by god shes a hugger. also theyve got a symbiotic cuddling relationship bc emmy is always cold and mal is always warm, so they platonically nap together sometimes. mads is unfortunately too wriggly and pointy to be a good cuddler :’( she squeezes in the mix sometimes anyway though and it’s uncomfortable but nice

mads’s method of helping mal is in her area of expertise: getting out pent-up negative emotion by fighting. for a long time, mal has internalized a lot of shit, and mads is really good at annoying him into either yelling or punching out that shit. shes doing it out of concern for his well-being, she swears, and not because she takes joy in pissing people off. she does but thats not the point. it’s not a perfect strategy but it does help a lot

unfortunately for her, sometimes mal can be downright vindictive when drunk and angry, and can hit on the few things she’s insecure about

(i would really love to make a post about mads sometime, cos she ended up being a lot deeper of a character than i originally intended. i really just wanted a really sharp angry lady who fought with the subtlety of a brick to the face, and ended up getting that plus bravado covering up a whole host of insecurities. i feel like i should finish dao before writing it up though ahah)

(what mal said is also not totally accurate- mads cares very much for emmy. but yknow how when things get heated it doesn’t really matter if they’re really accurate anymore- they just have to be close enough to get a reaction, ydig)

anyway! the two of them together help mal get his life back in order- he cuts down and eventually quits drinking, starts taking better care of himself, and gets more of a handle on life. i guess you’re probably wondering where varric is, right around now. so am i mal pushed away a lot of people close to him after da2, including varric. but varric kept looking out for him (lying to cassandra to protect him, using his network of contacts to keep an eye on where he and anders were operating). when mal comes to skyhold i think he’d try to avoid varric out of guilt- yknow how when it’s been a really long time since you’ve talked to someone, and you know you should have called them back, but you never did, and they kept asking how you were, and you want to be in an actually good place before you call them back, but shit keeps happening, and it’s been like two years since youve said anything to them, and then you see them and do some serious acrobatics trying to stay out of their sight so you don’t have to confront their honest interest in your well-being that they have no right to still have after so long with no word from you, and you have to make it seem like you havent been avoiding them because that would be rude, and really it’s just easier to be constantly vigilant of where they are and make sure youve got plausible reason to be leaving casually yet quickly

well mal did that. emmy had to physically bar his way from escaping a room once when varric came in, and dragged him by the scruff of the neck to talk to him. varric was painfully understanding and ended up hitting it off nicely with emmy

so! someday mal gets a job. specifically, pica gives him one. because he still owes the world some community service. with his experience as a hunter and highwayman, he becomes a scout!

whoaaa color

more specifically, mal becomes a... specialized type of scout. some idiot who shall not be named but whose name sounds a whole lot like pica cadash gave him command of a small squad of scouts, heavier armored and armed than average inquisition scouts but not heavy enough to count as infantry soldiers. their job is to dismantle highwayman and rogue mercenary bands, in whatever way necessary. so! originally this was supposed to mean sneak attacks on their strongholds or whatever, but mal talked with him about his own experiences with crime (mostly that most people in his crew back then were in it out of necessity, and needed money to support family) and the squad kind of became. really heavy recruiters. it became kind of a joke that the inquisition would take anyone- and they would! practically any skillset could be used in an organization as big as the inquisition, and at this point it was still growing

like. barely any exaggeration here

so that’s where he is pre-trespasser! thank u for reading and if youve got questions or want to learn more PLEASE ask i lov my ocs and love talking about them

i want to add that in @1500birds‘s latest playthrough (miranda trevelyan, a pro-chantry mage cullenmancer) mal rags on cullen endlessly

that was supposed to be the playthrough where he survives the fade, but then bran realized that miranda would kinda hate mal and would 100% leave him behind

[pippki-writes]

An Ill-Fitting Name: Snippet 11

NOTES:

Snippet 1; Snippets 2 & 3; Snippet 4; Snippet 5; Snippet 6; Snippet 7; Snippet 8; Snippet 9; Snippet 10

Faoust belongs to @thebiggestnerd - she writes him; Isaiah, Cat, and Detective Voros here are mine.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%

It’s not a beautiful day, but the weather is comfortably in the mid 50s, and the grey, uncertain sky has a certain appeal to it, so Isaiah goes for another walk in the afternoon. He never walked this much before, but he needs things to occupy his time besides murder. It’s funny, the twinge in his bones, the ghost of pain that he simply has no choice but to tolerate, and yet there’s satisfaction to the movement, walking around, his coat half-zipped, his hands whittling down a piece of wood as he walks—Faoust’s recommendation, over text, something to preoccupy himself with besides murder. He glances occasionally at the wood, but mostly trusts his hands to it, because he’s spent most of his life working a knife in his hands. Though whittling is still a bit new. His hand slips, the blade catching on a knot and then suddenly slicing free with more force and speed than he meant, stopping as the blade hits into the tip of his finger. He drops the stick with a grunt of pain, instinctively putting his finger in his mouth, shocked more than truly hurt. He tastes on his tongue the familiar bite of copper, and he feels the uneasy weight of too many memories at the taste of it.

It’s a few days after reconciling in person, and Isaiah texts Faoust, asking for advice. Isaiah is feeling restless. It feels like ages since his last murder, after Faoust recommended he be careful and cool it. Has it been long enough? Faoust offers to find someone suitable for the two of them to take down.

They fall just as easily back into murdering together as they fell into the sheets. An unassuming suburban home, out of town, and two community men—god-fearing, upstanding individuals. Members of the local rotary club, probably, active in the church, with a young boy tied to a chair in the basement and a camera in the corner. Faoust and Isaiah easily force their way in to the home. Easily find the child in the basement.

“Kid!” Faoust says. “They do anything to you?”

“N-not this time. Not yet,” says the boy.

Not this time. Not yet. It all hits very close to home for Isaiah. There but for the particular inclination of another crazed killer goes I, he thinks to himself, as Faoust sends the boy running from the house, not looking back. There but for the grace of god? No, Isaiah does not believe in a god, but if there is one, certainly not the kind of god that allows for grace. Not a chance.

It’s not long before the men realize with worry that Faoust and Isaiah have shown them their faces. That they won’t leave this house alive.

They’re right.

It’s very clean, the way Isaiah kills now. Faoust appreciates it. Isaiah does engage in a little banter with his victim, before slitting his throat, when the man tried to beg for his life, tried to say it was a mistake.

“A mistake is something that happens once,” Isaiah replied.  “Once, and never again. Make no mistake—the grass withers, the flower fades, and you will pay for the things you’ve done.”

After the bloodshed, the clean up, the extracted confessions left for the families to find, Isaiah takes Faoust’s hand and slips them out among the shadows, tracing the way back to his motel along the places people don’t look, along the darkness that lies hidden everywhere. He brings them out by the ancient ice machine, which tonight sounds like it’s considering turning itself into a small airplane as its air compressor howls with the effort of existence. They don’t even make it to Isaiah’s door before they’ve got their hands all over each other.

The next time is a drug den. Eight people total—no match for the combination of the two of them, a couple of crazed murderers with more magic than morals. They don’t even wait, after the bodies are gone, to get back to the hotel room. Faoust sets the attic on fire, his hands on Isaiah, pulling his hair, pushing him against the wall, the two of them rushing to finish before either the fire or the fire department catches them.

Isaiah has been thinking about who he was. Putting in an effort not to kill people has left him full of thoughts as he whittles sticks down to nothing beneath his fingers. What kind of boy had he been? Because he didn’t feel it at the time, but he was only a boy, barely fourteen, when he had locked away this name of his. Quite the impressive piece of magic. A work of mind and memory? That takes skill. But who’s to say the act didn’t leave him fucked up. He reminds himself that he was not right to begin with. Isaiah James had never been someone who was good.

Isaiah watches the lightning, too far off to be heard, sitting with Cat and glad that the storms didn’t reach them. He had decided he was going to get the crow in his motel room if the worst of the storms had come, and hadn’t looked forward to having to use magic to achieve that outcome if necessary. He remembers he was supposed to be thinking about new ways of finding victims, he’d told Faoust he would, but there’s no urgency. He isn’t nearly as restless to kill as often as he used to be, and has no idea what to make of that. He takes another picture of himself and Cat, and sits in companionable silence, watching distant storms.

A more diligent detective than Dani Voros, you know, one who actually cares about solving cases, would have pressed the lead she knew she had. She also knew that lead surely led to trouble. She’s been keeping close watch lately, and no true missing persons cases have come up fitting her police-adjacent-killer. Killer? She stops herself. No, no there haven’t been any bodies. But so many people, never turning up again? Officially, just missing. She hears rumors of degenerates missing from a recently burned down trap house, but that’s not her problem. Probably just squirreled away somewhere else when they accidentally set the place ablaze. Not. Her. Problem. Even the problems that were her problems, were barely her problems. She wonders how long she can get away with not following that lead.

Isaiah, being nowhere near the strange weather phenomena of Faoust’s apartment, gets to experience the wintry weather of North Carolina—unexpectedly cold, with a biting wind. He casts a spell to keep himself warm when he goes out to feed Cat tonight, and wonders if birds get cold.

Detective Voros has been missing one of her radios for a while, and has been ignoring a coalescing intuition for a while now too. Some of the thoughts she is refusing to consciously think are as follows:

In spite of no bodies being found, there is a killer in her city.

She knows exactly who knows more about it.

If the killer isn’t a police officer....her missing radio. Hm.

Hm.

Detective Voros groans in her patrol car. She wants to ignore these things and more for longer, so much longer. There haven’t been any disappearances in a while. But deep down a small reluctant part of her just won’t let this go. She has a friend of some discretion in the radio shop, and she asks him, if, hypothetically, her radio had been misplaced (“AGAIN?” “Hypothetically!!”), could he page it for her, at least make a noise so she can find where it went, if she’s in the right area? Yeah? Great. She drives to the motel just outside of town.

Because he is sitting in the parking lot with Cat, as has grown to become their custom, Isaiah sees the patrol car pull up, and the now familiar officer get out. He stiffens, but doesn’t get up from where he sits. As Detective Voros approaches, the crow nervously flies up to the roof above Isaiah, and calls out. Isaiah wonders what the hell she wants, and tries to remain neutral.

Detective Voros texts her friend to page the radio, and is not surprised to hear a tone coming from the room behind Isaiah. If Isaiah is surprised, he tries not to show it.

“Evening officer. You need something? I gotta go turn off my alarm clock.”

“That’s funny, because your alarm clock sounds a lot like my missing radio.”

“Huh, that’s wild. Anyway, excuse me—“

Isaiah goes to get up, and Detective Voros meets his shoulder with a firm hand and pushes him back down to sit on the curb. From the roof above, a loud and angry caw.

Detective Voros looks down at Isaiah. “I need you to sit tight while I search your room for that radio.”

Isaiah glares up at her simply, his hands already tracing the familiar sigils of a binding spell. “I can’t allow that. Do you have a warrant?”

“I am my own warrant, citizen.”

She steps past him and Isaiah notices a chill that has nothing to do with the temperature outside. This spell is as easy and familiar to him as breathing, and it’s like the magic is going into a black hole, a cosmic void. She is not being bound. And he begins to feel the urgency that comes before panic, lunging and grabbing for her leg to stop her physically where magic won’t.

Detective Voros, too focused on the radio she can easily see on the desk in the room, wasn’t expecting this and goes down hard. But she is probably stronger, and goes to try to kick Isaiah in the face with her free leg.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” yells Detective Voros. “Let me go!”

“Shit,” mutters Isaiah tersely. He tries to put her to sleep, he tries binding again, he tries a spell to slow her down, a spell to pull the wind out of her lungs, but it’s like his magic is simply being drained into an abyss. “This was a mistake.”

Isaiah was not looking to kill this particular officer on this particular day, but shit is going south fast, and magic is not an option. He swears and holds onto her as she struggles and tries to kick him, getting his other hand on his knife—

—as Detective Voros, aware of some strange feeling, that Isaiah is doing something and means bad intentions, pulls out her gun to shoot—

—as a horrible, ear-piercing screech of a call comes from the crow that flies into Detective Voros’s face, wings flapping shrieking and talons—

—as the gun goes off, and Isaiah screams something, Detective Voros isn’t sure what, because just as suddenly the bird and the man have vanished, and Detective Voros is left alone, panting from the struggle, the radio beeping quietly in the empty motel room.

Isaiah doesn’t know if cell phones work when you’re slipping through shadows. He has his hands too full.

- NEXT SNIPPET -