#i think if these people saw a real instance of grooming or abuse of power that’s not just talking to an internet celeb they’d pass out

[lucky-clover-gazette]

hi i would like to clarify that i am deeply uninterested in engaging with discourse drama about internet man dream, beyond what i say in this post. please stop sending me anonymous asks about it, thanks

[gooopy]

I need outside validation for every single one of my feelings. Chat do you think this counts as a ptsd flashback type thing (under readmore bc um. Its gonna be a long rambly wordvomit mostly to get the thoughts out) (also sex and sex trauma will be mentioned) (and shitty moms)

Okay so my mom (will be referred to as pamela bc i dont consider her my mother) (parents divorced) wouldnt let me have my phone at her house. She was abusive and neglectful and it feels fraudulent to say fhat but i cope with everythinf by forgetting it so whatever. When i was somewhere around 16 i tried to reconnect with her after cutting her out if my life for a while and i began to trust her, enough so that i opened up about my sexual trauma and how i felt like i was beginning to cope with bad stuff by resorting to sex and that i worried it was unhealthy for me. I clarified that when id look for porn, i would mostly look for art as opposed to real people. She immediately concluded that i was looking at lolicon stuff and started talking about how she modded a few subreddits for sex addiction and that i had a problem and that i would begin seeking out more and more extreme porn until i was watching snuff films. All while im trapped in a car with her and told her id been groomed (and she SAW some instances of me engaging in sexual acts online as a kid, thats part of why i couldnt have a phone! Which lead to me sneaking my phone! And having worse sexual encounters!) This and some constant surveillance (would try to log into my accounts without me knowing, would peer into my room when i was asleep, had 'pet cameras' installed that stayed on, probably more i dont recall) is some of the uh. Major stuff for me.

All thats a preamble to say that earlier i saw something raunchy, enjoyed it, ans then all of a sudden i was terrified that somehow pamela knew that id enjoyed porn and that she had access to my phone again and that i was in trouble, and even typing this i feel that weird tightness in my chest inagining her calling me to sit on the front porch and try to defend what id done. But i didnt see like, images of her flash in my mind, and its hard to look up ptsd stuff for me i struggle to parse it and who knows if i actually do have ptsd. Anyways um chat is it a ptsd flashback if you feel certain that your abuser has power over you again lol

[ironwoman359]

You Don’t Own Me (You Don’t Even Know Me)

Chapter 4

Navigation: Ch.1, Ch.2, Ch.3, Ch.4, Ch.5, Ch.6

Summary:  As the son of a Baron, Roman Sanders always knew that when he married, it would be due to a political arrangement rather than true love. Still, when he is sent away to marry an older, more powerful Earl, he is determined to make the best of his situation. Despite the Earl’s indifference towards him, Roman forges ahead and prepares to become the best husband he can possibly be, making new friends along the way. But when his fianc��’s demeanor turns from cold to cruel, Roman must shift all of his focus to survival, and find a way out of his marriage before it’s too late.

Ships: Logince, side Moxiety and Dukeceit

Content Warnings (overall): arranged marriage, abuse, attempted sexual assault, murder, poisoning, character death, hurt/comfort, angst Chapter 4 Warnings: possessive behavior, verbal and physical abuse, angst, allusions to abuse and murder 

Word Count: 4067

Read on AO3: here!

A/N: Co-written with @5-falsehoods-phonated​, check out his masterlist here and check out mine here! 

---

“And when I tried to get down, Remus spooked the pony and it bolted, with me still clinging to the saddle for dear life.” 

Virgil snorted, then immediately brought his hand up to cover his smile. 

“You wound me!” Roman said dramatically, placing a hand on his chest. “Eight-year-old me was certain that his life was going to end, and you’re laughing?” 

“I can’t help that the mental image of you dangling off the saddle of a pony and screaming your head off is the funniest thing I’ve seen all week,” Virgil replied. 

“Be nice, Virgil!” Patton scolded, even as he fought back giggles of his own. “I’m sure it was very scary at the time!” 

“You’re telling me,” Roman agreed. “I wouldn’t set foot near the stables for a month.” 

“I can’t believe that after all that you somehow grew up to be a competent rider,” Virgil said. 

“Well, I probably wouldn’t have if it weren’t for my older brother Remy. He started taking me with him when he went out on his rides; I felt a lot safer riding double with him than I did by myself.”

“Your brothers sound wonderful,” Patton said, smiling. 

“Oh, they’re the absolute worst,” Roman said. “But also I love them more than anyone.” 

“I hope we’ll get to meet them at the wedding!” 

Roman’s smile went brittle around the edges, and he forced himself to nod. 

“I hope so too,” he said quietly. 

Patton’s brow wrinkled, and Roman knew that look, that was Patton’s “I’m worried about you” look, and as much as he had come to view Patton and Virgil as his friends, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to get into the whole “my twin brother ran away from home to escape noble life and I haven’t seen him in years and might never see him again” topic with them just yet. 

“Well this has been great,” Virgil cut in suddenly. “But it’s getting close to midday; I need to get back to work, and you need to get to your little lunch date.” 

“Excuse you, it is a perfectly professional business meeting!” Roman protested, and Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Sure it is. That’s why you meet with Logan every single day and always perk up or get this silly smile on your face whenever you mention something that he said, most of which has nothing to do with business.” 

Roman gave Virgil a deadpan look. “Do you really want me to retaliate right now?” he asked, glancing pointedly at Patton. 

Virgil’s cheeks flushed pink, and he waved Roman away. 

“Go on, then!” he said. “Go have your perfectly professional business meeting.” 

“I will!” Roman said primly, but as he stood to leave, he shot Virgil a grateful smile, and Virgil nodded in return. 

After parting with Patton at the house’s entrance, Roman made the short trek down to the library alone. He hadn’t been sure how he would manage living at the Howard Estate at first, but his life had settled into a predictable yet comfortable routine since the engagement banquet. 

Patton brought breakfast to his room every morning, and after Roman insisted several times that he preferred the company, Patton now stayed to eat with him most mornings. After breakfast, Roman changed into his riding clothes and the two headed down to the stables together, where Virgil was waiting for them with Angel. Roman took his morning ride, and Patton and Virgil did whatever it was they liked to do when they were alone together. 

When he returned, Roman helped Virgil groom Angel, and the three of them often fell into easy conversation with one another. At midday, Roman took his lunch in the library with Logan, and he spent the afternoons on his own, exploring the mansion or indulging in his creative hobbies. All in all, his days were mostly pleasant, until dinnertime, of course. 

His nightly dinner with Lord Howard was, to his disappointment, the most boring and uncomfortable part of Roman’s day. It became clear to Roman after a few attempts of engaging with his fiance that Lord Howard wasn’t even slightly interested in talking with him; what he wanted was somebody to talk at. Roman sat, night after night, and listened to the earl rant about frustrating business partners, idiotic city officials, and even tiny annoyances like a scuff on his boot or a fly in his office. It was difficult to not feel like an emotional punching bag, and Roman always left dinner exhausted from playing the polite, doting fiance that Lord Howard expected him to be. 

Roman stepped into the library, and smiled when he saw Logan sitting at a table beneath a window, the afternoon sun casting golden beams of light through his long hair.

At least there were more positives than negatives to living at this estate. 

“Ah, Roman,” Logan said, smiling as he approached. “Excellent timing, I was just beginning to review my weekly report for Lord Howard. Would you care to assist me?”

“Always,” Roman said, sitting down across from him. 

They poured over the receipts and summaries and work orders together, and Roman couldn’t help but marvel at the sheer amount of work that Logan did every single day. 

“Honestly, Logan, you do almost too much for the earl. Especially considering what he pays you.” 

Roman had seen the payroll receipts for all the staff, and he couldn’t help but be a little insulted on the servants’ behalf. One of the ways Lord Howard kept costs down was clearly at the expense of his staff. 

“While I may agree with your sentiment, the fact of the matter is that if I did not do all this, the estate would fall apart,” Logan said. “And regardless of any...personal feelings about his lordship, there are far too many people who depend on him and his estate for me to consider stopping.” 

Logan paused, frowning as he scanned a document, then sighed. 

“For instance, his lordship neglected to sign off on a shipment of new armor to the city guard, despite my reminding him to do so three times in the last week.” 

He scrawled something along the bottom of the document and set it aside, and Roman raised an eyebrow. 

“Was that Lord Howard’s name you just wrote?” 

Logan fiddled with his glasses, and he glanced around the room before answering. “This is...not the first time that his lordship has neglected his duties on what he perceives to be minor issues. I, uh...take the liberty of correcting such oversights for him.”

“You can forge his handwriting?” Roman translated, and Logan nodded sheepishly. “That’s amazing!” 

Logan blinked, looking up at Roman in clear surprise. “I...it is?” 

“Are you kidding me?” Roman exclaimed. “Of course it is...you’re so talented, Logan, really. I’m not exaggerating when I say you’re wasted as a secretary.” 

“Oh...well, thank you, Roman,” Logan said, his cheeks flushing slightly pink. “I must admit, you also have far more potential than his lordship would care to acknowledge.” 

“I’ll get him to see sense soon,” Roman insisted. “Then maybe together, we can make some real changes around here!” 

“I wish I shared your optimism,” Logan said with a sigh. “But I am glad to share your company, at least.”

It was Roman’s turn to blush, but before he could think of a reply, the sound of footsteps caught his attention, and he looked up to see Patton approaching their table. 

“Sorry for interrupting, Kiddos, but I’ve been asked to fetch Roman here and get him ready.” 

“Get me ready?” Roman asked, and Patton nodded. 

“His lordship requests your presence at a business meeting he has in an hour with other estate holders. I’ve been instructed to dress you for the event and bring you to his lordship.” 

Roman forced down the twinge of discomfort in the back of his mind at the earl choosing an outfit for him like he was some sort of doll, and grinned as he got to his feet. 

“You see, Logan?” he said. “This is our chance!”

“If it is a meeting with other nobility, then I’m afraid I won’t be present,” Logan said. “Lord Howard does not wish for...commoners to be present at such negotiations. He instructs me on what measures need to be taken afterwards.”  

“That’ll be the first thing we change then, once I make him see reason,” Roman said. “You’ll see, this is going to be the start of something great!” 

“I hope you are right,” Logan said with a small smile. “Good luck, Roman.” 

“Thank you, Logan,” Roman said as he followed Patton out of the library. 

I’ll certainly need it. 

--- --- ---

Roman fidgeted uncomfortably in his chair, shooting a glance over to the earl to make sure he hadn’t noticed. The silky fabric that his pants were made of stuck uncomfortably to his skin and made his legs itch horribly, but he had been in similar attire before and had had plenty of practice in the art of keeping his poise while screaming internally. Thankfully, even though he was seated right next to Lord Howard, he had yet to draw his attention. Howard had been too occupied bragging about his various business exports for most of the meeting to pay much attention to him. 

Even through his discomfort, Roman had been learning a lot about his fiance, dutifully keeping mental notes on everything he heard, from which parts of land he had inherited to which ones he had bought or negotiated into owning. Overseas businesses and local investments both let his power reach farther than one might first suspect, and all that put together was what kept the Howard Estate with its acres of land, sprawling mansion and extensive grounds and highly specialized staff all running smoothly. 

It was a lot to manage, so it made sense that Lord Howard had Logan figure out most of the work and only signed off on the most important things himself. Having someone as competent as Logan run things in the background so the true estate head could make the actual appearances as the business leader was a strategy many nobles used to keep their properties under control. 

Craning his neck to look up at his fiance from his lower seat, Roman furrowed his brow in thought. He wondered just how much Logan did that the earl never saw anything about until he reaped the benefits of it. Sure, Logan was extremely capable, but relying entirely on one person to manage everything seemed a bit foolhardy to Roman.

Tuning back into the conversation, Roman perked up as another lord gestured stiffly at a stack of documents in front of him, smooth calculation clear in his tone of voice. Negotiations were something Roman had always prided himself in handling, and handling well. He had often spoken circles around his own father in their practice debates, and it was rare that Roman participated in a discussion without gaining something in his own favor. 

As neither party at the moment looked particularly stressed, Roman figured with a slight twinge of disappointment that such measures shouldn’t be needed this time. He would have liked to show off just a bit and make Lord Howard see what a useful asset he could actually be in their marriage, but he supposed that could wait until a more appropriate opportunity.

“I have most of the influence in this field anyway. Signing your bit of land over to me now would cause fewer problems for you in the future; especially if I don’t have to take it by force when I’m looking to expand.”  Punctuating his statement with a firm tap to the papers, the opposing lord sat back with a satisfied smirk.

The icy glare Lord Howard fixed him with was enough to wipe the smirk fully off his face, however, and he tilted back slightly as the earl leaned forward to fold his hands smoothly in front of him. 

“I’m not in the habit of signing away what’s rightfully mine, Lord Rilken, Baron of Vilvik.”

Roman flinched slightly at the way he practically spat the other man’s title…a title he shared, and had never once felt insecure about until this very moment. The way he spoke to these men, these people in positions of power, like they were nothing but dirt to be brushed off his own much more impressive riches- it was enough to make Roman want to run all the way back to his own estate and beg for another way, plead to wait for someone else to ask for his hand or to find someone himself. He stiffened in his seat and shook the irrational thoughts away. 

No, this is how one played the game when negotiating important matters. Put up a cold and intimidating front until the other person backed down or bent to your own suggestions. If anything, Lord Howard's act was admirable; it almost immediately shut down any arguments, even if it hardly held any semblance of tact. Realizing this would be a good opportunity to show his skills, Roman leaned forward and placed his own hands on the table in front of him, gaining the attention of the opposing business owners quickly.

“It might prove advantageous to you both to simply form a partnership and share the land and business potential it holds. With as much power as the both of you hold over this branch, you’d be able to expand much faster and reap more benefits than you would if you spent all of your time attempting to take control over the others’ sections.” Pleased with himself, Roman glanced over to Lord Howard, expecting at least to have impressed him since he hadn’t really had the time to explain all that he had been trained in and what he could bring to the estate with their union. 

However, as he met Lord Howard’s eyes, ice ran through his veins. The earl was glaring, staring him down like a particularly resilient bug that he could hardly wait to smash beneath a steel-toed boot. The room went so quiet that Roman could swear that the other nobles were holding their breath, and glancing around in his peripherals, he saw everyone sitting around the table gawking at him as if he’d just committed high treason. Had he really said something so wrong? Was this not what was customary, nay, expected behavior of the soon to be co-owner of the estate? Shrinking down slightly as his ears burned red, he finally lowered his eyes as the earl turned away. Roman heard him take a deep breath before saying in a deliberately controlled voice:

“You must forgive my fiance, he hails from a country estate you see; he isn’t accustomed to the way things work here yet. If you would be so kind as to excuse us for just a moment so that I may explain a few things?” Not waiting for an answer, the earl stood and held out his hand for Roman to take. “If you would step into the hall with me, dearest?”

Recognizing the order under the request, Roman stood quickly and took Lord Howard’s hand, wincing at how tightly he was gripped and practically dragged out of the room. The door was opened just a bit too forcefully to calm his nerves in the slightest and he watched as Lord Howard seemed to barely refrain from slamming it back closed, instead closing it with deliberate calm before whirling around to face him and jerking his hand out of Roman’s to tower before him.

“Let me make this perfectly clear, you do not speak out of turn in these meetings. You do not speak above me or-”

“But I didn’t! I was only-” Roman didn’t register what the dull smacking sound echoing in his ears and making them ring was until pain bloomed and spread from his lower jaw to his entire cheek. Raising his hand to his face in disbelief, he felt a bit of wetness and looked to see blood on his fingertips. Fear and horror twisted in his gut as he realized one of Lord Howard’s rings must have caught on his cheek and opened a cut. His jaw ached and his teeth felt numb; the blow had been hard enough to rattle them in his skull. Romans looked up and flinched as he saw Howard’s hand still raised to strike should he choose to speak again, and he shrunk in on himself in an attempt to seem too small to expend more energy on.

“You,” The earl spat, “do not speak above me, or make suggestions on my behalf. You are not here to offer up useless opinions that were not asked for or needed. You were brought into that room to sit obediently and look pretty on my arm and that is the full extent that your role will ever be. Have I made myself clear?”

Roman hesitated for just a second too long, and Lord Howard reached down to grip his chin, tipping his head so he had no choice but to look his assailant directly in the eyes. “My dear, I believe I asked you a question, and I expect an answer.”

Biting back a whimper Roman nodded as much as he could with his face trapped in the steely grip. “Yes my lord, I understand perfectly. I apologize for overstepping, it won’t happen again.”

The answer, as demeaning as it had felt to say, seemed to appease the still seething man, and Howard dropped his chin and stepped back with a wolfish smile. 

“Very good, see to it that it doesn’t. Now, I believe we’ve been here long enough. If you’re done blubbering, you may join me.”

Startling a bit at the choice of phrasing, Roman hesitantly reached up to touch his face, wincing as he realized there was more than just blood on his cheeks. Taking a deep breath, he carefully wiped the tears away before plastering on a small smile and moving to stand just behind the earl. He was loath to go back into the room like this, humiliation and blood reddening his cheeks, but he didn’t dare speak up for fear of more punishment. As Lord Howard opened the door and moved back to his place at the head of the table, he hardly spared Roman another glance, and Roman had no choice but to meekly follow. 

Sitting down, Roman realized most of the people at the table were staring at him like one would a fresh kill, their expressions a mixture of pity and approval while they averted their eyes. Sinking down even lower as the meeting resumed, he realized this was to be the second part of his punishment. He was to learn and remember his role as Lord Howard’s betrothed and eventual husband. Sit still and look pretty, step a toe out of line and be punished, and make sure everyone in the room knew that the power held over him was just as absolute as the power the earl held over everything else. 

“I’m pleased to know some people still know how to keep common folk in line. Truly, the disrespect-” Roman’s ears rang as someone close by whispered to another just loud enough for him to overhear, making him want to sink down even lower and let the floor swallow him. 

The meeting continued on for what seemed like forever, but unlike before, Roman didn’t absorb a single word of what was said. The voices of the other lords washed over him as he sat as still as he could, hands clenched in his lap to keep them from trembling. When at last Lord Howard stood, Roman almost stood up next to him, but caught himself just in time and sent a questioning glance up at his fiance. 

Lord Howard’s lips curled into a smile, and he held his arm out to Roman in invitation. Roman swallowed down his revulsion and stood, slipping his arm into the earl’s and schooling his face into a pretty smile. Lord Howard covered Roman’s hand with his own, and Roman’s skin burned at the touch. 

“Well gentlemen, this concludes our discussion for the day, I do thank you all for coming.” 

One by one the nobles stood, nodding to Lord Howard as they filed out of the room. Roman’s cheeks heated as several of them swept their eyes over him as they passed, their gazes lingering on the bruise blooming on his face. When at last, every one of them was gone, Lord Howard turned his attention to Roman, all false pleasantries gone from his expression. 

“I trust that after today, any...confusion about your role here has been cleared up?” he asked, his voice low and dangerous. 

“Yes, my lord,” Roman whispered, and the earl smiled. 

“Good. Now go clean yourself up. Dinner is at seven o’clock sharp, and I expect you to look presentable.” 

“Yes, my lord,” Roman repeated, and as soon as Lord Howard dropped his arm, he practically bolted from the room. 

He hurried through the corridors of the mansion, head down and eyes stinging. When he finally reached his room, he all but slammed the door behind him, and collapsed to the floor, his shoulders shaking as he released the sob he’d been holding back for the past hour. 

He let himself cry, for how long, he wasn’t sure, not only for the sting on his cheek and the shame that came with it, but for every doubt, every grief, every pain that he’d pushed down and bottled up over the past month.  

After everything he’d been through, everything he’d sacrificed, was this really his fate? Chained forever to a man who only saw him as something to own, to display, to use... 

Roman lifted his head slowly. 

“Remember all that we've taught you, and you'll do fine." 

His father had taught him everything he knew about business, about politics, about matters of the state. He knew how to act with decorum, how to spot an opportunity, and how to charm a room while negotiating, all thanks to his father’s teachings. 

But now, with tears running down his face and a bruise blossoming on his cheek, he remembered another set of lessons. 

Lessons his mother had given him as a teenager, after time had run its course and he was no longer the slightly awkward, gangly kid he had once been. 

“You’ve grown into a handsome young man,” his mother had said to him on his eighteenth birthday. “Your father believes that when you are married, it will be purely for political reasons. You need to know that this may not be the case.” 

Roman had tried to forget the lessons his mother had passed down to him, had told himself that he would never need them...but here he was, sobbing on the floor, the first of what he knew would be many marks on his skin if he didn’t tread carefully. 

Roman learned everything he knew about running an estate from his father, but he learned everything about acting from his mother. Thanks to her, he knew how to conceal his emotions, how to smile when his stomach rolled over and how to sigh when his skin burned. He knew how to mold himself into the perfect husband, because if he did not let himself be molded he would find himself broken before it was too late. 

“Too late for what, mother?” the younger him had asked, eyes wide and horrified, and she’d smiled in a way he’d never seen before. 

“Did I ever tell you the story of how your grandfather died?” 

Roman knew what situations were most likely to result in “accidents,” what weapons were easily concealed and what poisons were difficult to detect. He knew how to pluck a nose hair to bring tears to his eyes and slap his cheeks so they appeared flushed. He knew how to appear calm and collected when he was suffering, and how to appear stricken with grief when all he felt was relief. 

He had been preparing for marriage his whole life...every kind of marriage. And now that he knew the kind of husband that Lord Howard really wanted, he knew exactly what kind of husband he was going to be. 

Even if he wouldn’t be one for very long. 

--- --- ---

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[thebluelemontree]

Is it wrong to say that Sansa uses an out of sight out of mind coping mechanism? I noticed it because it's what I do a lot. I know some ppl say she rewrites traumatic memories to make the memories bearable but it doesn't make sense. If that was how she coped, wouldn't she have been telling herself lies about Joffrey still in acok? Or found a way to erase/rewrite Marillion's attempt to rape her?

Yes and no. She does that except all the times she doesn’t. ;) I think that characterization is extremely reductionist (and ignores character complexity and  growth) when it’s applied that broadly to every situation Sansa has been in. You have to take these things instance by instance because they aren’t all the same. Sometimes that labeling doesn’t fit at all. In many cases, it feels more like the fandom pathologizing the act of romanticizing or trying to push aside or reframe something unpleasant or even traumatic when that’s just something most human beings do now and then. Some do it more than others, but its all within the realm of typical coping behavior and being older or more educated or more “logical” doesn’t make one immune to it. So I hope you don’t let those interpretations make you feel abnormal or more fallible for identifying with Sansa in that way. Romanticizing doesn’t even have to be about coping at all, but simply expressing desire through daydreams. People imagine being in idealized scenarios with crushes all the time.  

You also hit the nail on the head. Sansa just doesn’t go around making up false narratives about every objectively awful thing that happens to her. In fact, her actual responses to those moments can be a useful basis for comparison when we’re analyzing the unkiss, for example. Misunderstanding the unkiss is usually where a lot of these assumptions stem from. That’s a whole other can of worms in itself. The unkiss is just too long of a discussion to put here, so I just recommend this post as to the reasons why it isn’t about trauma and take a browse through my unkiss tag. It does bear repeating that Sansa factually remembers every scary thing that happened during the Blackwater and why it happened, indicating she has processed it honestly and critically, before any incarnation of the unkiss happens. The unkiss is a mismemory added on to the facts, which began as her being the actor that kissed him first. It’s not a lie to deny the facts or to excuse his behavior. It’s regrettable to her that Sandor was not able to be the person she could rely on to get her out of KL at that time. Nonetheless, this repressed desire is just so strong in her that it manifested in a kiss so real she could remember how it felt after the reality of his leaving KL for good sank in. 

Early AGOT Sansa tended to want to move past unpleasantness rather quickly. Just sweep those red flags under the rug so everything can go back to blissful harmony. Sansa is naturally averse to conflict and just wants her present with the royal family to be smooth sailing into a bright future. Ned had a very similar tendency when it came to concerns over Robert’s true character. He saw things that disturbed him, but he hoped and clung to his idea of Robert anyway. For Sansa, this resulted in some misplaced blame and rewriting events so she could deal with the aftermath. This is mostly seen in her processing the Mycah incident after Lady’s death and how her perception of all the characters involved shifted in varying ways. This is after she knew perfectly well what really happened, because Ned says Sansa had already told him the truth of what Joffrey did while Arya was still missing. However, it would also be unfair to completely chalk this up to Sansa’s idiosyncrasies. We have to put her flip-flopping in the context of the situation as well. She’s also experienced a gutting loss with Lady’s death and the fact that the first blow to her innocence was her father volunteering to put Lady down. She doesn’t have Catelyn to go to with her confusion and hurt, and Ned has largely been silent. She’s also still engaged to Joffrey through all this, this is still a patriarchy, there are political ramifications to speaking against a crown prince, and she doesn’t know how to deal with seeing such cruelty and vindictiveness in her future husband. Especially when he responded to her tender concern and wanting to help him with venom and hate. 

I mean, jeez, she’s 11. I don’t expect an 11 year old to understand how to identify the signs of emotional manipulation or see how this situation can escalate into domestic violence. Just because Sansa can’t articulate what is happening within her relationship with Joffrey, doesn’t mean she has blocked out any notion that Joffrey can turn his anger on her. Part of the reason she misplaces blame on Arya (and rewrites what happened) is because Joffrey turns scornful of Sansa for being a witness to his emasculating shame. He punishes her with the cold shoulder because she didn’t immediately take his side and pretended not to see instead. He regains power through making Sansa feel small and fearful of his moods. 

“He had not spoken a word to her since the awful thing had happened, and she had not dared to speak to him.” -- Sansa II, AGOT.

Sansa looked at him and trembled, afraid that he might ignore her or, worse, turn hateful again and send her weeping from the table. -- Sansa II, AGOT.

This is coming from someone who is supposed to love her and someone she will spend the rest of her life with. To fix things, she must be unequivocally on Joffrey’s side going forward or suffer the consequences, which we can see happening as her story completely flips over breakfast sometime later. This is not saying Sansa is fully exonerated from not supporting her sister when she needed her, but that it’s understandable how she arrived at this point. Even when things start to get really bad after Ned’s arrest, Sansa still holds out some hope that she can appeal to Joffrey’s (and Cersei’s) love for her to get him to be merciful. Is it really her fault she believed a part of Joffrey really loved her (and thus was reachable by her pleas) if he also heavily love bombed her and treated her like she was the most special girl in the world? Love bombing is a classic feature of the seduction phase leading up to abuse.  

So we can see Sansa does ignore truths and rewrite events sometimes and her personality is a factor; however, the context surrounding it matters a lot. Post Ned’s execution, Sansa does a full 180 regarding Joffrey and Cersei.

Sansa stared at him, seeing him for the first time. He was wearing a padded crimson doublet patterned with lions and a cloth-of-gold cape with a high collar that framed his face. She wondered how she could ever have thought him handsome. His lips were as soft and red as the worms you found after a rain, and his eyes were vain and cruel. "I hate you," she whispered. -- Sansa VI, AGOT.

Once she had loved Prince Joffrey with all her heart, and admired and trusted his mother, the queen. They had repaid that love and trust with her father's head. Sansa would never make that mistake again. -- Sansa I, ACOK. 

"A monster," she whispered, so tremulously she could scarcely hear her own voice. "Joffrey is a monster. He lied about the butcher's boy and made Father kill my wolf. When I displease him, he has the Kingsguard beat me. He's evil and cruel, my lady, it's so. And the queen as well." -- Sansa I, ASOS. 

There’s also her conscious efforts to push away thoughts of her dead family and Jeyne Poole, but she states why she does that. It’s traumatic, the tears start flowing uncontrollably, and she is desperately trying to avoid falling into another suicidal depression. Her survival in KL depends on her holding it together and appearing loyal and obedient to Joffrey. Mourning her loved ones would imply to Joffrey she is plotting treason. Besides, she knows that even if she did ask Cersei or LF about Jeyne, she has no reason to believe they’d do anything but lie to her face in a patronizing way. There’s no point being plagued with wondering what the truth might be when she can’t do anything about it. Still, she prayed for Jeyne wherever she might be. She genuinely thought Arya had made it to WF on the ship and was safe at least until she got word of her brothers’ deaths and her home being sacked by the Iron Born, though there was initially a touch of projection and fantasizing about Arya being free while she remains captured. As of Feast, she believes she is the last Stark left alive and she has no one but Littlefinger to help her. So while she is suppressing her grief, it’s done with good reason, and it’s not being replaced with any false narratives to cope. 

We also cannot ignore that her relationship to Sandor Clegane has instilled in her an appreciation for the un-sugarcoated truth now that she has experienced betrayal and injustice first hand. In his own way, he’s encouraged her to listen to her own inner bullshit detector. The rose-tinted glasses have become a lot more clear compared to where she started. This is a newly learned skill though, and her self-confidence has been wrecked by internalized verbal abuse. She’s also been left on her own to figure out people’s intentions by herself, which runs parallel to her mounting desperation to get out of KL as Joffrey’s violence escalates. Developing a touch more of a jaded, skeptical side does sometimes clash with her enduring idealism and faith in other people (like with the Tyrells). This struggle is not a bad thing. The goal isn’t to become as cynical as the Hound, but to arrive at an earned optimism that has been tempered by wisdom and practical experience.

Her situation with Littlefinger is much more challenging than anything she faced in KL. He moves her where he wants her to go with complex web of lies, manipulation, grooming, isolation, coercion, dependence, guilt and shame. Her safety and desire to go home are tightly bound to being complicit in his lies and criminal activities. She feels indebted to him for getting her out of KL, even though his methods push her past her boundaries and force her to compromise her moral integrity. The thing is, there are things Sansa does know about LF, but she doesn’t seem to be ready to try and put the puzzle pieces together. She’s not daring to ask probing questions about Lysa’s reference to the “tears” and Jon Arryn or about the possible dangers of Maester Colemon prescribing sweetsleep for Robert’s convulsions. While the subject of Jeyne’s fate is still one she doesn’t want to revisit, somewhere in her mind she does know LF took custody of her friend. If it feels like this is somewhat of a regression back to her early AGOT self, there’s probably some truth to that; however, it’s perfectly okay for positive character arcs to be an imperfect progress. There can be relapses, regressions, setbacks, missteps, and misguided actions. All that growth isn’t lost. Everything she knows is just stored in the back of her mind, not forgotten completely. The general trend line moves her toward successfully confronting Littlefinger with the truth when GRRM is ready to pull the trigger. She’s definitely aware of Littlefinger lying to her more than she lets on and she knows his help is not out of the kindness of his heart, but motivated by what he wants her to be to him. But it’s not like she has the option to go anywhere else, does she? She’s a wanted criminal with a bounty on her head and has no other friend or ally in the Vale she can trust with the truth of her identity. Confronting LF without any means of neutralizing his power over her isn’t the smartest thing to do when he’s shown her he can literally get away with multiple murders. Again, it’s not just her personality that makes her hesitant to pull back the veil and face the horrible truth head on. The outside forces pressuring her perceptions and behavior cannot be discounted either.    

[deamabilisworld]

The first thing a gay person should do is find a community.

So blue is the warmest colour.

First things first, Emma's outfits make me fall in love.

We oftentimes understand genres from superficial features. Horror for instance by threatening situations, death, etc.

But once in a while a radical author arrives into the scene and triggers all the emotions related with the genre, without actually repeating any of its tropes.

It is easy to classify lesbianism as girl on girl relationship. And the relationship with sex, and so lesbianism with a girl on girl sexual relation.

It is more difficult for a trans lesbian such as myself to understand what it means and why was I not satisfied with relationships with women who saw me as male, even disregarding penetration and the assumption that I should be the dominant partner.

So when I try to realize what it means, I try, like many of us, to reflect on lesbianism in media. And throughout the past few months it helped me understand what I was missing, even though I'm yet to theorize or put it into words.

The first hour and a half of the movie was all that for me. I connected what was going through Adele. Especially when she sees Emma for the first time. Having a confident butch wrap her hands around you as you walk in the streets, seeing it from afar and longing.

As for her sex with men compared to the sexual fantasy, that's also interesting.

Men tend to be very focused on penetration. What's more interesting is that they almost have no discussion about their own personal enjoyment in sex.

Think about it: the market for male sex toys is very poor, and men freak when you discuss penetrating them, even though the anal region is filled with nerve endings which guarantee enjoyment.

This leads to their sexual interaction begging technique-driven. Very linear and centred on specific tasks in an almost mechanical way.

I obviously also talk from my own personal experience.

Maybe I'm not the right person to speak about it, but I couldn't find much pleasure when having sex as a guy. The experience was stale, repetitive and motionless. I was not driven by my sensations, rather by my imagination and the need to please the other. It reached to situations where I used to throw my used condoms as fast as possible since I didn't really climax in these interactions.

Which obviously also limits the other's capacity to enjoy the interaction.

The most affirming first experience in my transition was when I was treated as a woman in sex, and I actually reached orgasm for the first time in my life.

Having said that, the first actual sex scene with Emma also bothered me.

When I think of lesbianism and sapphic, I think of things I can actually do as a woman, and to what I relate. Which is obviously very gay scenarios, but rarely penetrative sex.

I imagine cuddling in the middle of the night, a dildo pulled out, we both climax and low key going to bed as if nothing.

I imagine looking her in the eyes as she plays with her fingers inside of me, her dominant eyes give me comfort.

Eating her up.

But having said all of that, vaginas gross me out.

I mean penises gross me much more.

I love breasts and buttocks.

But I really find it difficult being attracted to the vagina, playing with it, kissing it.

One time in the army, I sat with someone as she guarded the base entrance and she told me she usually finds the penis appalling, but when she has sex, it becomes the most beautiful thing in the world.

Dejana once made me insert my fingers to her in the shower, but I couldn't find joy in it.

Let's talk about Dejana for a second.

While she saw me as a hetero and despised lesbians, BITWC was one of her favourite movies. And I could see a reflection of our dynamic in that relationship.

I was stronger in that dynamic. I came from abroad, I had more money, I was her boss's daughter.

I read more, especially and of course philosophy.

Our relationship was a form of escapism.

She wanted the classical type of romance, that which doesn't exist in the rural parts of Serbja. Love, warmth, real human affection deeper than sexual lust.

I was looking for a simple relationship. Cooking together, travelling, I didn't want to think about the fact that I was a lonely outcast in an unfamiliar country.

We laid in bed. She was playing some game on her phone, I was reading for a philosophy essay. In truth, I was avoiding the need to interact with her. Because when we didn't do recreational activities, we didn't have a connection.

For someone who often speaks about the need to hear as many narratives as possible, to understand and relate to the earth, and to understand emotions rather than thoughts, I failed miserably connecting with her.

Dejana would have probably been content with such a relationship. She is used to male detachment, and she is very willing to deny issues in a dynamic, but I couldn't go on with it.

I didn't feel guilty when I broke it up. I felt relief.

Emma tried to change Adele, to educate her. But in so doing she clearly doesn't understand her.

Which comes to an analysis of the movie itself.

It is a classical rich-poor romance story. But instead of the American-dream infumed version of the story, we get a cynical, french depiction.

Emma tries to connect with the rural schick. Her last exhibit is presented in very oriental streets, that almost remind me of Jaffa.

Emma uses Adele to relate with this simpleton lifestyle. In all of her relationships, she is strong, in control, and she uses her girlfriends to tell her story.

Emma is open with her sexuality because her family is embracing, Adele hides her true identity because in her society she would be isolated and categorized.

Emma can study whatever she wishes, Adele needs to be practical.

She has the time to educate herself and discuss many worlds, Adele cannot, she has only her own experience to reflect upon.

And Emma doesn't understand why is she content with these lives, how can she live like that.

But is it better for Adele to dream big and see it get crushed?

Well sorta yes.

After all, when they break up, Emma bounces back but Adele is lost. Without anywhere to sleep, no one to love her or to understand her.

And yea, it is partially because of circumstances. Emma is far richer. But with these circumstances came the fact that Emma is groomed to live free.

And let's talk about grooming and praying in the gay community and why Emma is an awful person.

When I started to come out, I immediately joined the BDSM community.

When I had to move and lost my family, I digressed a lot.

I returned to my horse only when I met my rugby community.

A gay community gives you power, a place to discuss, to understand yourself better, friends to relate with and gossip who is dangerous within the community.

Two days ago I woke up a mess after 5h sleep and a lot of packing to do for my new flat.

Right in that morning, I received a message.

I met that girl in the philosophy common room.

She was an economics student. Like many other Bulgarians, she knew her way and got the code for the room from a friend to steal coffee, tea and food.

We became friends. She was always a powerful person, one of those Nietzchiens who understand everything as a power dynamic.

I told her my radical feminist theories and she was dazzled.

She graduated, moved to London, found a boyfriend and started dating.

It wasn't a common relationship.

That person was her feminized slave. I suggested to her that perhaps he was actually a she, but the person denied it. Until recently.

But she messaged me not to ask for help with her transitioning. The opposite, she was overwhelmed by the fact that her bae wants to transition and she wanted confirmation that her transitioning is wrong. I was horrified. That day, the Bulgarian convinced her bae not to go on hormones so she won't hurt her, and so the Bulgarian won't leave her.

In a society where people discover their sexuality and gender only in sexual surroundings, natural predators would abuse them as a means of gratification.

Adele could only discover her homosexuality in gay pick up bars. Emma naturally picked her up and raised her.

Adele, who didn't know anything gay other than Emma, relied on what Emma was willing to teach her.

Becoming Emma's toy, she was dependent upon her.

The first thing a gay person should do is find a community.

Although Emma tried to pamper Adele, pushing her to express herself in writing, she never introduced Adele to friends or to the community.

The only way Emma knew how to pamper Adele, was to try and make her a copy of herself. Which failed.

While the film attempts to escape the male gaze upon lesbians, it flirts very directly with the burgeois-gaze upon the poor and oriental.

Can that power dynamic be non-abusive? and if so, how?

We want to say that Emma should understand Adele's culture and embrace it as much as Adele needs to embrace Emma's.

But Adele's culture has unavoidable ugly aspects. It is grotesque, not refined, narrow-minded and closed. And it is a central aspect to her cultural as much as the other, beautiful, aspects are.

Do gays have any choice? Can you be gay and poor, gay and be part of the ethnic 'simpleton' culture? or are these aspects inherently negating?

My answer was to escape. I lived in poverty in the streets, away from my home, where I could define my own culture as a mix of orientalism, punk and classical beauty.

But not everyone is as lucky to do that.

When I write that 'hetero culture is boring' I fully say that I find it difficult to relate to Dejana. And part of me is sad because there are some morals and beauty in her world which I couldn't connect to.

For while I was attracted to my representation of her culture, I was not attracted to her, she was just a canvas for me, a cynical tool beyond my comprehension.

I could have found beauty in her only when I painted her in my own likening.

[hollysdailyrambles]

Calling out Loved ones on Racism

7.17.2020

It is not easy to call out a loved one on their racism and sexism, but this is no longer a time where we can be silent. A loved one posed this meme, which is very offensive and disgusting. I have conflicted with this loved one in the past, and have fought publicly on face book with this family member before. Although I can and will continue to call out this bullshit publicly, I felt this particular post required a more personal. Here is what I sent in a personal text.

"I'm not going to call you out on Facebook, but I would like you to know that this post is horrible.

It comes across as very racist and sexist as you are implying women of color would ruin the world.

I know you do not have racist or sexist views like this. Also because I know you, I know youre implying its democrats that would ruin the world. But the fact that this is an image of two of the only women and people of color in the democratic party come across as both racist, and sexist.

And although I am not a person of color, I am a woman. This post is a microaggression against women, one of many things today that will tell me that my worth as a woman is less than that of a man's and I am not as capable as men. I am happy to share some articles about microaggressions if you'd like to know more, but they're very real and very harmful."

The family member responded with something about how the left is destroying america. He also said that “Nothing to do with sex you are reading into what is not there.” and  “If that meme was the Governor of California or the mayor of new york it would be just as relevant.”

So in response, I said:

It has everything to do with sex and race. You may not think so, which is something you are fortunate to have the ability to think so due to being a man. However, it is not "reading into something thats not there." I'll explain why. Today, I woke up and looked at the news. I saw multiple articles about how women are just accusing men of sexual abuse to get back to then, and women are just looking to ruin men. I checked my Twitter, and saw some people posting DMs about how women should just go back to the kitchen and should stay out of politics. I picked up a book, one mom lent me. It is a Romance novel about how independent strong women are bad, and they need to rely on men to provide. I spoke with {Neighbor} yesterday, and she implied its [Fiance] that runs the house, where as I'm the one who takes care of almost everything. I take a look as most CEO boards. Most are men. I am consistently told that as a woman I am worth less. So why would this post, showcasing two women in power ruining the world be any different ? If it were the mayor of New York or Governor of California, it would be the same to you. To me, it would show me that men can also screw up the world. 

My life experience as a woman has been very different from yours. I am consistently told im worth less. Before (his son), how many times were you asked if you were going to have a son? How much pressure was put on (his brother) to keep trying to have a son when he and (his SIL) were trying? I remember these clearly. Consistently drilled into me that I am worth a fraction of being a man. This post hurts me, because although YOU see it as shaming the democrats, I see it as another instance of woman being put down for striving for power. Other people have that little notion in their mind that reinforces women are less.  

It motherfucking sucks to have your entire experience invalidated by someone who never will have lived life as a woman. I wish i was at the point with this family member where i could talk about the racist elements of this post without being accused of being brainwashed. I have to talk from personal experience to be able to avoid that come back. 

I have issues with the “You’re reading into something thats not there” comment, that is frequently said to dismiss racism and sexism accusations. It IS there. As a culture, we are groomed to be racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, antisemetic, islamaphobic and so much more. I could give countless examples of these things in daily media. As Americans we are groomed to view them as just normal, and understand although the subtext is there there’s enough plausible deniability that it can’t be called out. Once, maybe you can credibly deny it. When it happens over, and over, and over again, it is a pattern. An intentional one.

Oh, incase it wasn't clear - Black lives matter.

It’s also not enough to be not-racist. You must be anti racist.

[emprazeman]

Study Questions!

I’ve been developing study questions for the twin trilogies The Lord Jester’s Legacy and The Poisoned Past. Please feel free to share and to add your own! I tried not to make the questions into spoilers. Hopefully I succeeded.

How accurate is Lark’s perception of his physical appearance and his physical abilities? How does he describe himself vs. how other characters respond to him and treat him? Does this change through the series as he gets older? How much of that is growth and how much is reputation? His attitude? His masks?

Mark/Lark’s first real friendship is with Grant Roadman. What are some of the positive aspects of this relationship? How about the negative aspects? Was Grant Roadman a good friend for Mark, a poor one, or mixed?

How does Grant’s homophobia affect Mark? How does Mark reconcile/excuse that? What was the most important factor that convinced Mark to forgive Grant and continue to idealize him? a) Sexual/romantic attraction b) Heroism/the rescue c) Grant’s emotional fragility/vulnerability d) Grant’s loyalty and reputation as a ‘good man’ or ‘best of men’ e) How Grant appears to be a perfect man (like Mark’s memory of his father) f) Some other reason

Is Lark a groomed victim, and if so does he grow past it, take advantage of that part of himself, or both? Are there instances where his training works to his emotional advantage as he endures trauma and pain? How does his training negatively impact his ability to form trusting relationships? How does his training help him form relationships?

Some of the characters in these books are not neuro-typical, most prominently Rohn Evan, Gutter, Feather, Laura/Ellen, and Cockatrice. Without quibbling over diagnoses, what advantages and disadvantages do these characters have over neuro-typical characters? Would these characters be less successful, more successful, or the same in our society if they had a diagnosis, treatment and support?

How does Mark’s views on jesters change as he becomes more adept at his work? How does this influence his sense of self-worth?

How do the cultural views on male rape in the books compare to our own? Do you see forms of minimizing, victim-blaming, etc. from the characters in the books? What coping strategies do you see in the victim and others affected by the rape? How do you think this will affect the victim’s relationships long-term?

If you had the power, which characters would you prosecute for the rape, and what sentences would you impose assuming you could get a conviction?

What conscious and subconscious reasons do you believe justify Mark/Lark’s repugnance for the Too Mon mask? Do other characters seem as bothered by this mask, and if so, can you explain why or why not?

Can you imagine what a mask similar to the Gelantyne mask would be like if it contained the following beings, and should anyone attempt to create such a mask? If someone did try to make such a mask, would you try to stop them at all costs, simply warn them that it might not be a good idea to make such a mask, or support the making of such a mask? a) Ruby b) A portion of the Trokellestrai’s consciousness c) Daprai d) Wendryl e) Medronei f) some other sacred being

As Lark explores his sexuality, he questions his loyalty/faithfulness.How do you think Rohn views Lark’s sexual activities? How do you think Verai views Lark’s sexual activities? Do you think Lark would be more effective, less effective, or just as effective as a jester if he didn’t manipulate people sexually? 

Who do you think is Lark’s perfect romantic match in the books, or does he have more than one? What is Lark’s healthiest relationship? His least healthy relationship? If you would give him romantic advice, what would it be?

As Lark matures, his dreams and goals become more nuanced. How does his views about his work affect those dreams and goals, and how do they change over time? When some of his dreams are realized, what aspects of those realized dreams are more satisfying than his fantasies? What aspects are less satisfying or not as he’d hoped? Had he become a sailor instead of a jester, do you think he would be happier at age twenty two, not as happy, or the same? How about if he reached his forties? Or old age/retirement?

Do you believe that Lark’s struggles with substance abuse and the tendency to self-medicate will decrease, stay the same, or become more difficult over time? Is his willpower enough to keep his alcoholism and substance abuse from worsening, or will he need support? Who are his best allies to help him? Which characters make it harder for him to keep these tendencies to self-medicate from getting worse?

Is the Hevether household a good home for young princess Laura, aka Ellen? Which parental figure do you think is best for her, and why? Would she be better off with one or two parents in particular, or is it more beneficial for her to be raised by the entire household?

Winsome’s relationship with Mark/Lark is complicated by romantic feelings. If you were her best friend, what advice would you give her in regard to those feelings and her role in his life throughout the books: a) when she first tells you about the jester she saw in court b) when she tells you that she intends to get his help with a dangerous conspiracy that involves her father c) when she’s approached with an offer of courtship from the colonel d) when she tells you that she intends to follow her father and Lark to the continent e) when she leaves the islands again to go after Lark

In the book’s culture, society doesn’t distinguish between different kinds of mental illness and its sources, and attempts to treat and contain aberrant behaviors via asylums. If you had the power, would you separate Stricken, people suffering from inherited, lifelong conditions, people struggling with mental health issues that are a result of momentary health imbalances, and people suffering from side effects of physical/spiritual injury or complications from drugs? If you became mentally ill, what kind of care would you want to receive: care through the Church, care within the context of a family and/or secular physician, self and/or care within a trusted family or group of friends, or care in our real world? Is the world of masks more effective, the same, or less effective at dealing with mentally ill people as our world?

Let’s pretend that three hundred years have passed and technology, democratic politics and the legal system have advanced to equal our own (though of course there will be differences). Do you see masks as something that should be licensed and regulated? Should police officers or other public employees be allowed to wear masks (or perhaps even required)? What about everyday citizens and/or employees and/or employers? Should there be a legal age restriction? Should mask-wearing be restricted around children or permitted only in certain areas?

I hope that you enjoyed these study questions. I’m looking forward to your suggestions and I’ll be thinking of more as well.

[miss-m-calling]

Night on Fic Mountain 2017 letter

Dear writer,

Hello and thanks for writing for me! I hope these prompts inspire you!

Chronicles of the Kencyrath - P. C. Hodgell

Relationship: Brier Iron-Thorn & Torisen Knorth

Relationship: Jamethiel Knorth & Torisen Knorth

Relationship: Kirien Jaran & Torisen Knorth

Relationship: Torisen Knorth & Yce

Relationship: Trishien Jaran & Torisen Knorth

Some prompts:

A continuation of The Sea of Time – Torisen’s reaction to discovering Jame has bound a Kendar when he’s Highlord and lord of his House and struggles with binding all his Kendar. Now that the plot summary of The Gates of Tagmeth has been announced, feel free to write the start of or an episode based on that. I love this series’ combination of high and low fantasy, dark magic, loopy humor, complex characterization, dread destiny looming over all yet people kicking against destiny all the while, and rich worldbuilding - any/all of that in fic is swell.

Torisen before he was Highlord: I’d prefer a story about what it was like for him and Jame growing up in the Haunted Lands or Torisen growing to young adulthood once Jame was gone and he had to witness Ganth going mad on his own, rather than a story about his time with the Southern Host.

Torisen spends time with Brier and discovers they may actually be kindred souls (both closed off from the world yet bursting with perceptiveness and emotion, both underestimated by most people in their surroundings).

Brier anything – her childhood, her life after her mother died and she served the Caineron, how she copes with being bound by Jame while still serving Torisen, a canon divergence for Brier, speculative future fic…

Yce grows up from puphood in Torisen’s company and learns many things (bonus points if you do Yce’s wolf-girl POV) and/or Torisen deals (probably by not really dealing, because he’s Tori) with the likelihood that Yce sees him as a potential future mate and that is why she’s so protective of him and jealous of others who are close to him.

Jaran shenanigans, especially if you can combine their devotion to scholarship (which Hodgell depicts with such loving humor) with the customs of the Women’s World, and possibly something about the revelation of Kirien’s gender to the other Highborn lords. OR Kirien balancing out being the head of a house of scholars and singers with her position in the vipers’ nest which is the Highlord’s council, with Trishien’s help and advice. OR Kirien learning both knowledge and life skills from Trishien as she is groomed to be the head of her house.

More interactions between Tori and the Jaran matriarch! Could Trishien help him navigate his discomfort about being a Shanir? Could she help him banish Ganth once and for all?

For a probably darker fic, any/all of these character combos enter Perimal Darkling or join the final battle against him – what happens? Do they live (you can ignore ‘major character death’ being my DNW in this instance)? How are they changed by their experiences in the Master’s House?

Just as a general point, if you could avoid making the incest barely-subtext between the Knorth twins text and the center of the story, that would be swell.

  Deutschland 83

Relationship: Ingrid Rauch & Lenora Rauch

Relationship: Lenora Rauch & Tobias Tischbier

Relationship: Lenora Rauch & Walter Schweppenstette

Relationship: Martin Rauch & Walter Schweppenstette

Character: Lenora Rauch

I loved this show’s combo of characterization, mild soap opera, historical detail, and sympathy for what would soon prove to be a failed political and social system. I’d love to see any of these character relationships explored either in terms of their backstory, the complex shifting of affection and resentment and power between them (siblings, parents and children, fellow spies, spies and handlers), or in a post-canon setting, either the very last years of the Cold War or in reunified Germany.

One of my favorite things about the show is how it takes characters who are frankly terrible people (Lenora, Schweppenstette) and makes them sympathetic without whitewashing them, and it takes likable, sympathetic people (Ingrid, Martin) and has them do really iffy things or knowingly make choices which endanger themselves and others.

I’d especially encourage divergences that still make sense in terms of real events in the period: Martin discovers who his father is before, during or right after canon? Martin’s mother is Lenora rather than Ingrid - how does that influence her choices as a mother and as a ruthless spy? Lenora is the agent embedded long-term in the West, and Tischbier is her handler who risks his cover while partaking of the West’s gay scene?

If you’d prefer to stick to canon, that’s great too! How much does Ingrid really know about her sister’s work? How does the sisters’ relationship develop after Lenora’s escape to Africa (and possible return after 1990)? How did Lenora “run” Tischbier all those years and what does she think of him – is he just a tool, does she care about his well-being at all, has she ever used his sexuality to keep him in line or blackmail him? A day at work with Lenora and Schweppenstette being devious or their phone conversations from Bonn to East Berlin, knowing they’re being listened to, by their own side probably? Martin and Schweppenstette post-canon, in the days and weeks right after Martin’s return or years later – what do they both know and what are they both willing to admit about their relationship?

  The Sandman

Relationship: Corinthian & Dream

Relationship: Death & Dream

Relationship: Dream/Thessaly

Relationship: Lucien & Matthew the Raven

Relationship: Matthew the Raven & Thessaly

Character: Mazikeen

For Dream/Thessaly, a look at their relationship – I love Thessaly for being always herself, as unlikable as she can be, and often wonder how she and Dream ever hooked up, made a go of an actual relationship, and/or what all contributed to their breakup (besides their both being difficult people used to getting their way and being alone).

For Corinthian & Dream, I’d love to see this from the Second Corinthian’s perspective – requited or not (not seems more likely), tied up with all of the Corinthian’s identity issues and memories of his past self and his role in the Dreaming and the world, the maker/creation relationship he has with Morpheus. This can go as dark or erotic (/ instead of &) as you like, but please heed my DNWs.

For Lucien & Matthew as well as Matthew & Thessaly, I’d love something humorous (darkly humorous or droll - it’s the snarky raven!) and Dreaming-set. A book in Lucien’s library isn’t where it’s supposed to be, either a quest to find it ensues or the missing book somehow endangers the very fabric of the dreaming. Matthew is forced to spend time with the boss’ new girlfriend, maybe as a sort of honorary guard while she explore the Dreaming, and much snark and possibly some chilling magic happens.

For Death & Dream, a slice of whatever passes for life among the Endless. Dream accompanies Death on another day at work and learns a different life lesson than in The Sound of Wings. Or Death accompanies Dream on a mission in his realm or in the waking world, possibly with an agenda of her own which he discovers along the way. They might argue. Or they might get ice cream.

For Mazikeen, I just find her fascinating. She’s like a gruesome parody of a femme fatale, all mysterious and devoted to her man/boss/devil and deadly yet not really EVIL from what we saw of her in canon. Her backstory (how did she gain her half-woman, half-corpse appearance?), or what Lucifer did to win her love and eternal devotion, or a (dark, funny, darkly funny) incident from their time running a piano bar, or Mazikeen goes on a mission, armed with her mask and slurred speech and maybe lingering infernal powers… I am somewhat familiar with Mazikeen’s story in the spinoff comics, but I’d prefer it if you stuck to what we know of her in the Sandman canon (as far as The Wake) only.

  Likes:

I love pre-canon, canon, post-canon, canon-divergent, and “missing scene from canon” stories. I love character-driven and plot-driven stories equally, and I love fics which mix humor and angst/serious business when appropriate for the canon. I’m also requesting in-canon meta here, so fictional excerpts from diaries, letters, histories, novels/fairytales/songs would be awesome.

I love character studies, characters at work and play, stories about group dynamics, family dynamics (including constructed families), professional partnerships, friendships, alliances, rivalries, intimate couples, UST-ridden couples who are not just UST-ridden but connected in other ways too, parents and children, siblings, etc.

I love irony, snark, 5+1 stories, bittersweet endings, hopeful endings, happy endings, canon-fitting crack, worldbuilding, characters who are their own worst enemies as well as those who learn to get over themselves, characters with conflicting values which may or may not be reconciled/resolved in a believable and IC way, characters who treat each other with respect and as equals even if they hate/annoy/can’t stand/love to dislike each other.

I especially love workplace stories (this can mean anything from an office/procedural setting to anything that revolves around the canon world in which the characters live) in which the characters are competent and dedicated to the job, and while they may not be exactly friends and they may well irritate one another, they still manage to rub along to get the job done and maybe even grow to care about one another (much to their surprise and sometimes reluctance/discomfort). Or, if they can’t get along, show me why not and what’s preventing them from finding common ground.

DNWs:

Kinks, MPREG, A/B/O, knotting, D/s, incest, underage, genderswap and genderbent characters, non-con, dub-con, torture and abuse, dwelling on bodily fluids (mentions of gore and come are fine where appropriate), toilet humor, character bashing, soulmates and soul marks, major character death (unless it’s canon), pregnancy and children as the lynchpin of the story (unless strictly canon appropriate), characters agonizing over/analyzing/dwelling on their or others’ sexuality as if it’s the sum total of their existence, secondary characters acting like shipping the main pair is their be all and end all, fluff and schmoop, OCs (except for worldbuilding purposes – I just don’t want a fic in which OCs are the heroes and canon characters are cameos), PWP or porn-centric fic, issuefic, fic written in the first or second person, holiday or wedding setting or theme, AUs which have nothing to do with canon (cop characters working in a coffee shop, high-school janitor characters in space, etc.)