#i think i was very disconnected from reality and lived mainly in my head

[dreamyaqua]

hi laura ^^ this is random but i thought i'd check in on you anyways... how's things with you? good i hope?

Hi qiu!! This is so cute, thank you so much for caring!!🥺👉🏻👈🏻

I'm doing okay at the moment, I've been able to get a lot of stuff done for uni the past week and now I'm a bit in recharge mode (and hoping I can continue reading the book I've started) because while I did have enough energy to get everything done, it still exhausted me a bit, so now I'm trying to take it easy a bit before I get the next chunk of work done :D

How are you doing? I hope you've been doing well and that you're healthy!!💖

[kumoriwrites]

What are your wips about?

Thank you for the ask, anon! Sorry for getting to it a bit late 💜

So, I'm going to preface this by saying I have over one hundred WIPs. Not kidding. My brain is extremely active, and I think and daydream a lot more than I put words on paper. There are ninety-six (96) projects on my fanfiction masterlist, and at least nine (9) novels sitting and waiting for me in Google Drive. One of the reasons I don't talk much about my writing here on Tumblr is because of that - because I have so many - and because I have trouble making my thoughts coherent most of the time.

Anyway, for that reason, I will not be telling you about all one hundred some of my WIPs (Why not, Maki? I ask myself sarcastically. Ha, ha.) Instead, I will pick a few that I have thought about a lot and/or worked on recently, and also that I just love and feel like sharing. Read below to learn about them!

Haikyuu fanfiction:

Comment Es-tu Vrai? (AKA "sunflower fic") is my current main project. It focuses on Miya Atsumu, a painter, who is still in the recovery stages of a rough breakup and is struggling a lot with loneliness - until he meets Sakusa Kiyoomi, the man of his dreams. Literally. Sakusa is a miracle who seems to only exist in Atsumu's dreams, where he visits him almost every night in an endless field of sunflowers. Atsumu, desperate to learn more about his mystery man, uses these dreams as new art inspiration and slowly falls in love with Sakusa as time goes on. In doing so, however, he grows disconnected from reality, inventing a world for himself beyond his real life and neglecting himself as a result, much to the concern of his loved ones. CETV focuses on themes of the importance of self-care (and lack thereof), grief in unconventional formats, and seeking/learning how to find happiness in life.

The Nohebi Novel (AKA Maki's Canon Nohebi Content) is exactly what it sounds like: A whole book's worth of content on Nohebi Academy's boys' volleyball team, who are unfairly minor and whom I have adopted as, pretty much, my ocs. I love them dearly and think about them daily. Nohebi Novel, focusing on the five main third years (Daishou, Sakishima, Hiroo, Numai, and Takachiho), is mainly a slice-of-life that details the characters' lives from before birth until adulthood, digging in to their home and family lives, their career paths, hopes, and dreams, their relationships with each other, and all the sweet and bitter moments in between. It is my pride, it is my joy, it is all planned out in my head, and I have not written very much of it at all. Remember my "[unwritten project] is my greatest accomplishment" post? Yeah, this is what that's about :')

Original works:

Clara In Particular (working title) is my most recently created novel, a mix of a story told by Casper and poetry written by Clara. Their lives are connected in a seemingly normal way, at first, when they meet at a café on the campus of a university neither of them attend, get to talking, and fall in love. But before their first week together ends, Casper receives a typed note informing him that Clara is going to die. He is pushed head-first into a mystery unravelling around him, forced into a sense of urgency and need to save Clara before it's too late, and lands on a path he's not sure he wants to follow. All the while, he continues to fall in love with Clara, while a future with her seems to grow farther and farther away. The secrets Casper has to keep only worsen matters, and he risks losing Clara in so many ways, none of which he expected when he met her. I haven't fleshed out too much of the plot yet, but it can be categorised as magical realism, and has ✨ autumn vibes ✨, as I love to write most.

Run Cried the Crawling is a retelling of Little Red Riding Hood, set in 17th century France and featuring, again, magic and autumn vibes. Brielle, our little red, lives in the woods with her mother, and is not to speak to spirits. She is certain, however, that Renard, a curious stranger she meets near her home, is no spirit. He is of flesh and blood, just like any human - Brielle doesn't think much of the fact that he doesn't age as she does, and she teaches herself to ignore his wild, almost feral nature. When, at age thirteen, she makes the annual journey to tend to her grandmother's grave alone for the first time, Renard guides her. He stays at her side for the next five years, a secret for Brielle to keep from her mother, and teaches Brielle all she could ask to know. It is only when she turns eighteen and Renard turns hungry that she begins to doubt the reality the stranger has built for her. And when Brielle starts to believe Renard is a danger to her, she learns to fight with all she is to keep herself and the people she loves safe.

Wow hope all that made sense :) Thank you again for asking, and be prepared that you may never hear about these projects again <3

[quietnqueer]

I’m too quiet & I’m too queer

I’m too quiet and I’m too queer for the straight 9 to 5 workaday world. 

I was reminded of this when I interviewed for a job on Tuesday. Fool I was. As soon as they said how they sometimes like to just get together for a chat over a cup of tea and some biscuits, I knew I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t go through all that again.

Gut punch. Heart pull.

That expectation of sociability, that emphasis on team ‘bonding’, the getting to know one another, having to reveal yourself - I recoil from it, it terrifies me.

Why?

Do I have social anxiety?

Am I shy?

Yes, that’s part of it.

But it’s mainly because I’m just not like the majority of people; or at least not the majority of folks I cross paths with in my professional life anyway; where all the chat’s about camping trips with the kids, and spending the weekend pottering in the garden; where everyone is straight, and coupled up with kids.

As an aro/ace loner, a queer feminist spinster, I am an alien alienated from all this. I don’t get it. And the thought of telling people about me, speaking the truth of my life, my reality… I can’t do it. The heteronormativity is so brick heavy, I just can’t imagine being able to admit to my asexuality or my aromanticism, to tell people that I just don’t experience sexual or romantic attraction.

I have this niggle that I ‘should’ though: that I should be more open, I should be less shy. Why can’t I just be more goddamn normal?! It would be so much easier if I did have a partner, a kid, a cat, a social network, then I’d be able to join in with the chitty-chat with co-workers on a Monday morning in the kitchen.

That’s not who I am though. I’m too quiet, I’m too queer.

I’m a solitary.

‘And that’s okay!’ I tell myself, But I really struggle to believe this, even after all this time, even after having swallowed a ton of introvert power! and aro/ace pride.

FFS! What do I think I have to prove? I know I can get and hold down jobs in the straight world, it’s all I did for a decade up until nearly two years ago. I’ve pitched in and played along, laughed at the right jokes, chipped in with just enough titbits, fronted it out at the office do’s and Christmas lunches.

None of it was real though, none of it was me. I was only ever half-there, always uncomfortable, always disconnected. An alien alienated. I hid, I lied, I faked it, forced it, and fooled everyone enough into believing I was normal; a little shy yes, but I was still quite young;  there was still time for me to grow up and settle down, to start coming in with stories about my new man and the babies I was planning to have.

I knew none of this would ever happen though, because it isn’t who I am.

I’d always end up leaving before too long, just before it would start to seem weird how this woman they worked with never seemed to mention going out (on dates) or being interested in anyone.

Going back to 9 to 5 office life would be an act of self-destruction. It would kill me. And I tell myself - that’s okay! It’s okay to be a quiet queer naturally solitary soul not made for that world. There are other ways, other things I can try; and I am trying, I really am. It’s hard though. And sometimes my inner child will stamp her feet and cry ‘it’s not fair!’ Why can’t I just find my context, my people? Am I always going to have to fake smile, compromise and lie in order to earn a living? (Fuck capitalism).

Gremlins from my childhood tell me I should fix this, fix me. My shyness was always posed as a problem when I was younger. I was made well aware thank you very much that I needed to be able to ‘get on with people’ when I grew up, when I got a job. The thing is though (Mum); I have managed to! I did grow up, get jobs and become a ‘valuable member of the team’. I learnt how to speak, learnt the right noises to make, and I was always ‘alright’, always turned up on time wearing a smile, willing to assist to serve to please.

It was all just a performance though, everyday a pull against my heart strings on some level.

Constipated guts sluggishness.

Head hollow.

I know, I just know, because I feel it bone-deep at a cellular level, that I’m just a misfit, and therefore I never will just happily shinily 100 per cent smilingly rub along with straight folk in a straight job in the straight world. I can fake it, play pretend, but it’s not me. I don’t belong there.

I’m too quiet and I’m too queer.

[iaintyourbro]

What’s your take on Cloud’s depression during AC? People on twitter are suddenly talking about this, again. This matter was brought up by those antis saying that we Clotis should accept the fact that Tifa wasn’t the one who “healed” Cloud and that she was also being mean and not considerate whatsoever. The funny thing is that, they also accused us of denying his depression and not understanding it. TF. Let’s be real, Tifa played a major part, in fact she gave him morale thx to her “scolding” lol

Hey anon.. 

Yeah, Twitter has me depressed today. I think it started last night. I was enjoying it for a bit, but the last week or two have been so bad over there with bullshit that I’m about to just take a break from the entire fandom. 

My Take on AC Cloud:

I watched AC when it first came out, and I barely remember it. I remember I didn’t like what they did. Why was Cloud so depressed and brooding? Oh Aerith is in this? Interesting. I felt like it was disjointed and removed a lot of the great progress Cloud made in OG. They kept this depressed, brooding guy in KH as well... It just didn’t seem right to me. I was young, too. 

At this point we also didn’t have On the Way to a Smile, Crisis Core, or anything else, really.. None of the Ultimanias were in English at this point. I also was not interested enough in going online. It was a weird time when I was playing other things and was meh on FF7 for a while. I was always a FF8 fangirl, so was jealous of FF7 at times hahaha. It got so much more attention and love. 

It took me a long time to watch it again. I remember my husband watching it before Remake came out and I felt mad or sad. It was like an emotion from memory, and I didn’t know why. I can’t describe it. I saw it on the TV and was like why is this on here... 

After playing Remake, I bit the bullet and ordered AC Complete, which had things tweaked and added. I also am now in my 30′s and have a lot more life experience.

Antis like to say Cloud is depressed solely because Aerith is dead and he wants to be with her. This may be one of the reasons I didn’t like AC, because when I did happen to come across some FF7 thing online, I’d see this shit and be like whatever, that makes no sense. 

I enjoyed ACC. My heart was actually pounding and I was nervous/intrigued by what was going on even though I knew the story. I haven’t read all of CoT yet, but I’ve seen the excerpts online, so I know the general gist of things.

Based strictly on ACC:

Cloud is really upset that Denzel is sick. He’s obsessively looking up medical stuff to figure out how to cure it - this is shown with everything all over his desk. He’s closed in on himself to do this. I did the same shit when my dad had cancer. I did it for three fucking years while he was alive - from the time he got diagnosed to the day he was dying. Every damn day I looked up articles, research, and theories. It’s not healthy. It’s depressing and I closed myself off from the world half the time and didn’t realize it. Thank God my husband is a patient saint. 

Cloud does care a lot about Tifa. His reaction alone at seeing her knocked out in the church is heart wrenching. When they’re brought back to Seventh Heaven, Cloud pops right up when he sees Tifa there. He then stays with her until she wakes up. This is a pretty good amount of time. The sun is up when he’s looking over her, and when she wakes up, it’s dark outside. He could have slipped out again without her noticing if he really wanted to. I’m sure he may have contemplated it. 

She calls his ass out on how he’s acting. She knows he’s sick at this point. This was huge for Tifa who’s not confrontational. He clearly doesn’t want to completely disconnect, or he would have gotten rid of his cell phone voluntarily. He doesn’t. They actually show him checking his messages. 

Ultimately Cloud leaves because he ends up with Geostigma. That’s the last straw. He can’t face the fact that he’s going to die and what it’ll do to his family, so he leaves. Listen, I think the only reason my dad didn’t try to leave when he was diagnosed was because he had nowhere to go and by time he started verbalizing wanting to leave, he was physically unable to. Yes, I remember him being angry because he was hospitalized again and he told my mom he was going to get an apartment by himself so she didn’t know when he was getting bad. It’s very hurtful to even think it, and even worse when you know they don’t actually mean it... They do it because they don’t want to see their family hurt. 

The setup he has at the church as his “living” area is super depressing. It looks like something a homeless person sets up. He legit was going to wait to die. He had a lot of knowledge about this, so he figured there was nothing he could do. 

Marlene calls Cloud out on his bullshit too. Cloud admits to her he doesn’t think he can take care of anybody. Marlene Barrret quotes him and it’s cute. I think Cloud appreciated it and I think it made him think.

In ACC, Cloud has a short conversation with Aerith. Aerith seems almost annoyed with him like “wtf is your deal, dude” kind of attitude. Zack shows up when he’s bloody and half dead fighting Sephiroth to encourage him. There are scenes with him talking at Zack’s grave and saying he couldn’t keep his promise to him. He flat out tells Aerith he wants to be forgiven. He doesn’t say I miss you, I want to be with you, none of that happens. In fact, it’s mainly her telling him HE needs to start doing some forgiving - ultimately to himself. 

When Cloud is in limbo - between living and dying - Cloud says “Mom.” Very romantic, I know. Then Zack and Aerith have a conversation very similar to a couple that’s going to adopt a child and they tell Cloud he’s too big for them. This is the “I see the light” and the person on the other side is like “nah bro go back, not your time yet.”

He wakes up, Tifa and crew is there, he smiles at Tifa... and it’s a happy ending. He sees both Zack AND Aerith at the end, and they walk off in to the light together all cute and shit.

Adding in Things from the Novels/Interviews/Thoughts:

The devs have said Cloud was happy with his family and that scared him. The happier he got, the more scared he got. We know he cherishes everything. He especially cherishes the family he has.

Cloud’s depression spiral started from the high anxiety of having a happy life and Elmyra asking him to deliver flowers to Aerith’s grave. Now, I have my feelings about this, but when I look at it logically, I don’t think Elmyra ultimately does this out of spite. I actually don’t think Elmyra thinks Cloud and Aerith were a thing - so it wasn’t that either. I think she knew Cloud was friends with her and maybe he’d want to deliver some flowers - to give him some business. 

This flower delivery reminds Cloud of what he thinks is his failure to protect somebody else. At this point he has his memories of what happened to Nibelheim, his mother, Tifa, and Zack. The Sector 7 plate drop and Aerith are the most recent “failures”. So this brings up Aerith.

Then Denzel comes along and he’s an orphan because his parents were... yeah... killed during the Sector 7 plate collapse. Double ouch. But Cloud and Tifa are going to take care of him.

Tifa herself has a lot of guilt because of the same reasons, she just deals with it very differently. Tifa tells Cloud to bring Denzel right home. She can make amends by adopting him in to her family and caring for him. Cloud thinks Aerith brought Denzel to him (Tifa corrects him). This is a Cloud thing, it’s not romantic. Cloud doesn’t know the guilt Tifa feels. He legit thinks all of this is his fault. Tifa’s guilt stems from the fact that Shinra drops the plate because Avalanche was in Sector 7 - she was in Avalanche. She feels guilty about Aerith because she thinks its her fault Aerith followed them to Don Corneo’s mansion. The thing is, Aerith doesn’t blame EITHER of them - I just wish they’d cover a Tifa/Aerith conversation about this as well... 

Cloud and Tifa do have fights in the novels from what I understand, but it’s because he’s acting weird. He feels bad hiding the fact that he’s been going to the church a lot, and I think that does turn in to a whole LTD debate. So you can take this as Tifa is jealous that he’s going to the church all the time or she’s upset that he is hiding from her. 

In the novels, Tifa has a breakdown when they go see the church after they defeat Sephiroth. This is where you get to see how badly Aerith’s death impacted her. So my thought is... Cloud thinks bringing her to the church hurts her because of her feelings, not because she’s jealous. I think Cloud is oblivious to the jealousy thing, honestly. Don’t think it’s a thought in his mind. 

I honestly don’t know the real reason why he goes to the church to hide. I think this is another point of fight with both sides. My personal take is there was nowhere else he could go and be alone. Most of the stuff had been destroyed. It was still close by, so he could still do his work and keep an eye on things/be nearby.

There is a quote that is taken to be literal, but I think it’s just a way to say it wouldn’t have mattered who Cloud was “with.” Yes, Tifa and Cloud have issues, and I believe the quote goes “Perhaps it would have gone better with Aerith, but I think her responsibility is too great. Maybe the children will help them with their issues.” This isn’t exact, but it’s the jist of what they said. The children do help them - that’s the point of the scenes with Marlene, to slap him silly with reality. 

“Oh but he sees Aerith when the building is falling.” Yes, you know why? Because he thinks that’s going to happen to Tifa. This is a “NO I’M NOT LETTING THIS HAPPEN.” moment. On top of it, I don’t think anybody would be right again if they saw this happen. If my neighbor was impaled by a large sword in their back, I’d be messed up from it. I don’t really know my neighbors. He’s not replaying this death scene in his head cuz he misses Aerith, he’s playing it in his head because it’s traumatic and he doesn't want to see this happen to Tifa. Especially Tifa. 

It’s been put in Ultimanias time and time again that Cloud’s feelings are for Tifa. I went through my Ultimania - which only covers OG - and it doesn’t say anything about Cloud’s side of the CA argument. It does say how he feels about Tifa in the Lifestream, though. 

The “He wants to die for her, see, that’s why he’s going to the church and waiting.” No, he doesn’t want to die or else he wouldn’t be so depressed. Just thinking this is fucked up on so many levels. If he really wanted to die and be with her, he’d be happy he got an incurable illness, I’d think... Cloud leaves Tifa and them because he doesn’t want to hurt him with him dying and not being able to stop it. 

The other thing that would be... weird... Zack is in the Lifestream with Aerith. They walk off together for a reason. I don’t think she’s going to just drop Zack for Cloud since the whole reason she was initially interested in Cloud was because of the similarities to Zack. He had the same sword, the same clothes, and in OG had some of the same mannerisms. I noticed the dropped the squatting in Remake - the random squatting.

The ending of ACC implies that now that Geostigma is cured and Sephiroth is (hopefully) gone for good, Cloud can be happy. I’m not saying that his smile fixes everything. I’m sure that him and Tifa had to work on things, but you can see in DoC that things seem to be much better - he’s more upbeat and happy. He’s more dorky, like he should be. 

Sorry this is long. I have a lot of feelings about all this stuff today. I’ve been seeing the fights over on Twitter about it and.. yeah. Cloud is depressed because of the fact he’s dying, his kid is dying, and he can’t seem to do anything right in his mind.

Thanks for the ask. 

[nomazee]

Learning Process

kozume kenma x reader; kenma/reader/kuroo friendship

word count: 1900+

content: fluff, developing friendship/relationship, friends-to-lovers (but the lovers is like... hinted at? mainly?), kuroo pov (still in second-person pov but centers around his perspective of everything), HOPEFULLY-accurate depictions of kenma’s personality.

cross-posted on my ao3

(hiya! here’s a oneshot for one of my favorite boys in haikyuu! this is a work that i’m a bit proud of just because to me, kenma is a very interesting and complex character and i was excited to try and give my take on him as a person and how he would interact with the reader as a character. in this, i mainly focused on the dynamics between kenma & reader in the eyes of a third-party (i.e. kuroo) because i thought that would be a cool thing to do. 

if you guys have any criticisms about how i portrayed both kenma and kuroo (because he’s definitely an interesting character too! and a bit difficult to write, too, in all honesty) please tell me! i always appreciate comments on how i can improve :)

without further ado here it is! hope you all enjoy!)

☾.:°∗★.:☆:.★∗°:.☽

Kuroo always thought the way you and Kenma interacted was interesting.

He refrained from using ‘weird’--scared that it would come off as harsh and paint you two as alienated and make you feel disconnected from others due to your nontraditional dynamics. That certainly wasn’t the case--you and Kenma weren’t weird, just different, interesting, and so on and so on.

Kuroo liked to observe. It’s what he did. Especially when it came to his two closest friends.

Kenma met you in your first years of high school, where you two were in the same class. Contrary to popular belief (“popular belief” being the conclusions drawn by the others on the volleyball team who were close enough to observe the way you three interacted), you did not grow up with him and Kuroo, and at the beginning you and Kuroo were completely separate beings--completely separate types of a friend for Kenma.

So, the ravenette hadn’t known about you until well into the break between Kenma’s first and second year. Kuroo always had an inkling of a suspicion that there was someone else, someone different that was just as familiar with Kenma as he was (maybe even more so), but he never pushed the topic too much, scared to push Kenma too far and make him shut himself out due to Kuroo’s constant pestering.

Kuroo knew you were different when Kenma took the initiative to let you two meet. He was enthusiastic, even. It was an emotion he rarely saw on the younger teen’s face, only peeking through his calm facade when he was playing a particularly engaging game.

Kenma had made plans (something that was a really big tell in how close you were to him) in order to properly introduce you to his childhood friend. And Kuroo watched you stumble into a cafe, scanning the room with your eyes briefly before locking onto the two of them in a booth and breaking out into a light, airy smile.

(He soon realized why Kenma wanted to sit across from him rather than next to him like he usually did when hanging out in groups. You took the adjacent seat rather quickly, and comfortably, something that Kuroo knew was a familiar action to you just by the way you and Kenma sat only millimeters apart.)

From that day on, Kenma began to involve you in his plans with Kuroo more often. Of course, the two boys still had their own alloted time for themselves but Kuroo became familiar with hearing words of “Maybe we should invite [Name].” or “[Name] probably wants to go there, too.” whenever he suggested going somewhere with the boy.

He couldn’t find it in himself to get frustrated or annoyed with you for taking time away from his and Kenma’s “guy time” --he wasn’t that childish. If anything, he appreciated you--as a person, as a friend, and especially as a friend of Kenma’s.

The latter, mainly because of just how purely comfortable you made Kenma.

Kuroo never saw Kenma act so soft as when he was with you. The descriptor was laughable--but accurate. Kenma was so relaxed and languid in your presence. It was especially strange to see how low his guard was in crowds--a side of Kenma so foreign to Kuroo, because no matter how many years Kenma spent being forced to open up (in a good way, of course) by Kuroo, crowds and cramped public spaces would always sent him in a frenzy of looklooklookanalyzeanalyzeanalzyefocusfocusfocus , and Kuroo had to slowly become familiar with methods to calm his friend down.

(It’s safe to say crowded areas weren’t really visited very often anymore, and hang-outs were naturally restricted to one of their homes or malls unnaturally early, when it was the emptiest.)

But visits to the malls on weekend afternoons became frequent as soon as you were added to their equation. Kuroo watched you and Kenma walk into packed merchandise stores, fluttering about excitedly (the excitement was mainly on your part) and pointing out things of interest, hand-in-hand.

That was another thing. Hand-in-hand. It was kind of funny.

It was another aspect of yours and Kenma’s dynamic Kuroo found different but good. It was another detail of how comfortable the half-blonde boy was with you. More often than not Kuroo had caught the two of you touching each other in some way--intimate, but not sexual, of course. It wasn’t strange to see you two holding hands under the table in a diner or sitting particularly close to each other on the train or, more rarely, caught in each other’s embrace--which Kenma didn't hesitate to reciprocate .

He once teased Kenma about it (with no real malice because, again, he really couldn't find it in himself to be genuinely annoyed with how comfortable you made his friend even in typically uncomfortable situations), with a friendly jeering “how come you never hold my hand?”

He didn’t expect a response any different from the typical scoff and change of topic. But Kenma was quiet. eyes shifting away from his handheld game console and locked onto the floor--a subtle indicator that he was searching for an eloquent response.

“She…” he began, trailing off before trying to pick up his train of thought once more. “She’s really… nice. She makes me feel nice.”

Kuroo found that to be a breakthrough in both the relationship between you and Kenma and Kenma himself. Not only did Kenma think of you on such a high level, but you made him feel nice--a phrase that could be taken in many different ways but no matter what, the connotations were overwhelmingly positive.

You made Kenma feel good--in general. You made him want to go to the mall. You made him feel calm in crowded places. You made him stop the subtle, constant habit of picking at his nails when he was nervous and overwhelmed. You made him want to come to practice. You made him want to wake up early.

You made him happy. Slowly, but surely, you were making him happy, you were making him motivated, you were opening up new possibilities for Kenma, changing him in subtle, helpful ways.

Kenma was still Kenma --Kuroo knew you hadn’t purposefully changed him in drastic ways and you didn't seem to plan to, either. Kenma still acted bothered by his teammates, by practice--he was still adverse to most social interactions and still had a sarcastic bite to his words. But internally he was changing, in ways Kuroo hadn’t seen before, and in ways that maybe most people wouldn’t be able to see simply because they hadn’t known Kenma for as long as he had.

Kuroo smiled, sitting next to Kenma on the couch of the setter’s living room. It was one of those rare days where you weren’t involved in their plans--Kuroo had invited himself over and Kenma didn’t bring up your name in the middle of their hang-out, so he took it as is and just let himself relax in the presence of his younger best-friend.

Kuroo thought for a moment, eyes focusing on nothing in particular as he subconsciously tuned out the sound effects coming from Kenma’s current game in favor of the distant static in his head. Now that he thought about it, he never really thought of you as anyone more than a friend of Kenma’s, but the way you two interacted potentially insinuated that you two had something more.

He almost laughed at himself. Hand holding, hugging, all these things--and the thought never passed his mind that the two of you could be dating?

Maybe it was just that he didn’t find a need to label you two. It wasn’t his relationship in the first place. It was the bond between his two closest friends, which was still something to care about (sometimes he thought he cared about it too much--all in good spirit, though), but Kuroo really only focused on how content you and Kenma were with each other. The thought of you being each other’s significant others was certainly plausible--but not a necessary component of your relationship.

Kuroo knew this. Kuroo knew that you two could be more than friends but less than lovers. Kuroo thought you two could be soulmates. In whatever way the word could be defined.

Coming back to reality, Kuroo glanced to the side at Kenma, who was slouched over and staring intently at the screen, thumbs moving in blurs across the controller.

“Hey, Kenma.”

There was silence. Looked like he wasn’t done with the level just yet. A minute passed. A little chime of victory emitted from the console and Kenma moved onto the next level, not before uttering a “yeah?” of acknowledgement.

“You and [Name],” the ravenette began. “Are you two dating?”

Kuroo watched as his friend froze at the straightforward nature of the question. His character died and he huffed out a short sigh of frustration as he restarted the level.

Kuroo forced himself to remain silent and let Kenma gather his thoughts for a minute. As expected, the boy eventually spoke up with a response. (Kuroo found familiarity in this interaction, like the last one he’d had with Kenma about you. He laughed a little to himself at how the situation just seemed to constantly come full circle.)

“No.” He responded bluntly, then. “We’re not.”

That last addition seemed significant--he could’ve left it at a one-word response like he normally might, but he added a clarification even though it wasn’t really needed. Call Kuroo an over-analyzer, but he knew how to read his friend. You’d hope he did, after all these years.

Kenma’s tone was not flat, Kuroo knew, mainly from body language rather than the actual sound of his voice. His eyes shifted from the screen, to the floor, to the arm of the sofa, and back to Kuroo.

The two friends sat in silence, watching each other. Kuroo didn’t know what he was searching for in Kenma’s gaze, and he didn’t know what Kenma was searching for, either. Maybe he wasn’t looking at him with a purpose, maybe just absentmindedly--or as an unspoken affirmation of all the thoughts and possibilities running through Kuroo’s conscious mind.

Moments passed, and Kuroo huffed out a laugh of amusement, starling and confusing his friend.

“Maybe… tell her.”

There was no need for elaboration. Kenma didn't question him, and even as he turned back to his game Kuroo knew he understood entirely what he meant by that.

That night, as Kuroo made the short walk back home, he found himself opening up his texts and finding your name, deciding to ask a simple question. Maybe he was nosy. Maybe he was curious. Maybe he wanted a confirmation for the thoughts and potential outcomes swirling through his head.

Do you love him?

He received a response in seconds.

‘Love’ is a bit of a strong word. But yeah. I do.

He refrained from responding, viewing the three moving dots on the left side of the screen until they were replaced with a rather lengthy message.

I know how he is. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m not going to hurt him or pressure him or do anything to rush him into something like this. I’m his friend before anything else.

Kuroo found himself smiling yet again. You really did know Kenma. So well. Scarily well. That was good, though. You were good.

And Kuroo knew that everything was fine, when weeks passed and he saw that you two still held hands. Still sat close on the trail. Still hugged and still went to malls and cafes, the three of you.

He knew that things were even better than fine when he saw you in the stands at one of their games, right near the front, waving to a certain setter and calling his name with sheer, unadulterated excitement seeping through your pores and lighting up your eyes.

He especially knew that things were great when a smile--a true, wide smile found itself creeping up across Kenma’s face.

[ilovejevsjeans]

Daniel Ricciardo on Anthoine Hubert's death: 'It's an anger it's happened again

Last Saturday, Daniel Ricciardo went through what might best be described as a long, dark night of the soul.

Following the death of Formula 2 driver Anthoine Hubert at the Belgian Grand Prix, the Renault driver went back to his hotel and questioned whether it was all worth it. The answer did not come easily, but in the end the Australian raced at Spa on Sunday.

Four days on, he sits down with BBC Sport at the start of the Italian Grand Prix weekend, and delves deep into what it takes for a racing driver to confront his fears and race on in such difficult circumstances.

"I certainly questioned it," the 30-year-old Australian says. "The reality is, weirdly, I do love it too much. Racing did feel right in the end. Even though I didn't really want to, once I did it, it was like, OK, this actually feels right and normal."

For a long time over last weekend, though, it felt anything but normal.

"When you're a kid and you see it on TV, and you're not present or not part of it," Ricciardo says, "it still seems like there is some form of distance, or a disconnection to what's happened.

"But when you're there and it happens to one of your colleagues, or it's in the same race, it seems more real, and it's like: 'OK, this actually can happen to anyone, and it's here, it's present right now.'

"The realisation of us not being invincible does set in. I know my parents stress enough for me already - you know, watching me race and travel the world and being on a plane every few days. You just question it: is it really worth putting not only myself but family under the same amount of stress?"

The aftermath of the accident

The night of the accident, Ricciardo says, he "didn't get much sleep, and for sure you're asking yourself questions, probably just fighting a little bit with some anger and some frustration of 'why,' you know?

"And then also fighting with a few of the emotions of should I actually get up and race tomorrow? Is it the right thing to do morally? Is it the right thing to do for me?

"And I kind of did also think: 'Let's see how I feel by lunchtime, and if I'm still having some doubts then maybe the safest thing for me is not to race.'

"I kind of wanted to play it by ear. Just running through all these scenarios: 'What if I feel like this? What if that?'

"By Sunday morning, I had a bit more clarity. I did manage to sleep a little bit and wake up preparing myself for race day. But it still felt cold and weird. It didn't feel right to be excited to race, just to be happy to be there. It felt like, tick off the minutes and get the job done.

"The lead-up to the race, I'd probably just describe it as not very fun in terms of just it was tough to try and go through the motions and go through a routine when that has happened less than 24 hours ago. And, you know, drivers' parade and all that, you're waving to fans, but you don't feel right smiling or being happy, I guess.

"It was difficult, just trying to get into the zone, just trying to find any form of rhythm.

"Getting in the car on Sunday was not easy, but it was more of a sadness than a fear and I think it was important I established that. If I had been getting in the car with a pure level of fear, then it wouldn't have been smart for me to race. I did understand that it was just a sadness."

'Just go as fast as possible'

"Once we kind of got going, it actually felt like pretty good release. It felt like a de-stress, just racing and competing. Just going at those speeds, it was like flushing out the system and that felt good.

"After the race, for sure I was still glad it was done but I did feel better than I did two hours before that.

"I'll be honest, the race was fun. It was good to be out there. And as much as I was looking forward to seeing the chequered flag, I did enjoy a pure race on Sunday."

The race, he says, acted as a form of catharsis.

"When something happens, you've just go to dive back into it, and that's the best way of overcoming it. And I think that's what the race was for us. I told myself little things as well: 'Just go fast as soon as possible. Leave the pits and just go, and try to get into that mode already. Don't tip-toe around. Don't over-think certain places on the track.'

"I remember I got out of the pits, drifted out, and forced myself to get into that mindset straight away."

This is a reference to his thoughts about going through Raidillon, where Hubert had his crash. It is part of the infamous Eau Rouge swerves, a left-hander over the brow of a hill taken flat out at more than 180mph.

"I told myself: 'Go full throttle, and just don't over-think this corner, don't over-think any of it.' Out of the pits... held it full. That was a relief but it felt good to get out there and do that. And that also told me that I was ready to go.

"I think if I was, big lift and scared, then that would be a sign that maybe I shouldn't be on the track right now. I guess I wanted to do that to test myself and then it all felt right."

Did he talk to the other drivers about it?

"I got to speak to a few. I only met Anthoine this year. The Renault Academy boys obviously spent a lot of time with him and I saw them Sunday morning. I spoke to a couple of them Saturday night as well, just over text.

"They had done training camps together. They're a little family. They're younger as well. That's where I felt I could try and be a little bit of, in some ways, a father figure to them and comfort them. I was feeling it, but they were more so. We basically gave each other all a hug on Sunday morning. We tried to chat over it a little bit.

"And then with the other drivers, I spoke to a few of them, but before the race you could see everyone kind of wanted to be on their own.

"Waiting for the driver parade, we were all just standing there. There were a few handshakes or hugs but you could kind of tell everyone was just trying to prepare for the race and it was a tough one. After the race, I spoke to mainly the French drivers, who I knew were closest to Anthoine."

The Bianchi factor

Hubert is not the first driver Ricciardo has known who has been killed. The last F1 driver to lose his life was the Frenchman Jules Bianchi, who suffered fatal head injuries in a crash at the 2014 Japanese Grand Prix. Ricciardo had come up through the ranks with Bianchi and they were close friends.

"Jules' [death] hit me very hard," Ricciardo says. "In a way, not disrespecting it, I was quite surprised how hard it hit me. I didn't expect it to hit me so hard and for it to last so long - the sadness and the hurt from that extended over some period.

"With last weekend, you think time kind of cures everything, and it was like, OK, nothing's happened for a while and with good reason. The sport's got safer and we're in a good place. And then it happens. And it's a shock.

"It's an anger that it has happened again. We thought we'd moved on from all this. It's when it's refreshed in your mind again and it's there in front of you, it's hard not to take it with difficulty."

Has it changed his perspective on racing?

"Initially, it did change. Time does cure it. Those intense initial emotions did slowly fizzle out.

"With the Jules one, I felt like my purpose and intent after that was, 'OK, if we are going to strap ourselves into these cars, and if we're all aware of the risk, it doesn't make sense to go in half-heartedly. If we're going to do it, go all in, and make it worthwhile.'

"I felt like Jules' passing kind of made me embrace the racer even more so. And to be honest this will probably end up having the same effect.

"I didn't have that kind of fear in the race. And until that fear steps in, I'll just use it as a form of motivation. However many years I do it, at least I can say I did it right."

'I surprised myself' or how do drivers do it?

It can be hard to comprehend how a racing driver can compartmentalise their fears in this way, or the uniqueness of the sort of character required to do a job that they know can kill them, but to go ahead and do it anyway because they love it so much that they can't stop.

Can Ricciardo explain what makes F1 drivers able to live with that contradiction?

He pauses for a few seconds.

"Actually I get goosebumps," he says, "because I don't actually know why or how.

"On Saturday night, I felt in no place to drive a race car on the same track the next day. But then even getting out of the pits and going through Raidillon and all that, it was weird how normal and natural it felt. And I can't explain that.

"It's probably just when you have a deep passion and love for something, that's the result. To be honest, I surprised myself. And we probably all did on Sunday.

"I didn't expect to enjoy any part of the race, no matter where I finished. But I did enjoy being back out there, and that rush of racing. Yes, it was still in your mind, of course. But how we're able to put it to one side for a moment, I can't explain why or how. It does surprise me."

The approach to mortality

Ricciardo is known for his gung-ho style, and his attacking victories, often made possible by on-the-edge overtaking moves in which he throws the car down the inside of an opponent from an impossible distance back. How does he rationalise the risks, carry on knowing that an injury is always a possibility?

"You've got to always control the controllables," he says. "In my case, I guess never get reckless.

"After the race or at times you may see me give a driver the finger or show my kind of anger. But I've always tried to teach myself to not let the emotion take over the driver in the race and get reckless, basically.

"Yes, I've tried some late overtakes in my time and I've done some moves that might seem risky, but there's always a level of control and calculation in that and it's never done purely on emotion.

"So I'll not let myself get reckless or put myself in a position I don't need to be in. Yes, I want to take risks and be on that fine line. But be sensible enough not to over-step it and I think I am able to do that.

"From that point of view, I am comfortable hopping in the car. There's obviously the thing of failures and technical stuff that can go wrong. That's an uncontrollable from my side. Can't really think about those actually. And even if you know they're there and present at times, once you put the helmet on and get going, you don't think about it.

"It's one of those things that if it happens in the wrong place or the wrong corner, then what do you do? You've got to put that rationale in your head that it could have happened on the way to the circuit, it could have happened on the road."

It's rare for racing drivers to discuss danger and the risk of death so openly.

Safety is discussed every weekend in F1, but it's normally on an abstract level - what can we do about this gravel trap, or that barrier?

Hubert's death has brought it front and centre. Is it hard is it to talk about it?

"Of course it is tough to address something that's real and has happened," Ricciardo says, "but it does help to talk about it. Having the comfort of everyone else last weekend and being on the grid together, and talking to some of the other drivers... yeah, it's not fun talking about it, but it also helps relieve any feelings or emotions.

"I think just knowing that you're in the same boat with someone else, knowing that you're not alone feeling the way you do, that helps.

"So being part of a group or a community. That was where you realise, there are rivalries or whatever, but a rivalry on track doesn't express how much we all have in common and how much we do actually care and feel for each other.

"It's tough but it does feel nice to get some of it off your chest." (X)

[pure-pazaak]

been having a lot of cringe thoughts about my fail suicide squad OC recently and now you gotta read about her

Her name is Clarissa Roche

Her villain name is Synt (part of “clairvoyant” in Norwegian)

She’s a possession telepath (project her mind into someone else and control them) via making eye contact.

She’s always been a low-level telepath but never told anyone when she was younger. She used her ability to manipulate others throughout her educational career.

The trade off of being able to manipulate others is both needing to make eye contact and the headaches that follow. If she tried to use her powers for more than a few minutes, Clarissa would spend the next few days with a raging headache. 

She did have control over who she manipulated. It would be a conscious choice when making eye contact with someone if she would cause them to do something or not.

She’s some sort of scholar. I’m thinking some sort of art history? Like... she’s a very good painter. 

[clarissa voice] i’m the quirky bisexual art hoe main character at this museum and everyone wants me carnally [tucks hair behind her ears]

Unironically I want her to have had a relationship with June Moone just to be like “.... of course I knew Dr. Moone! Very well ;)”

I think her fc is gonna be Anya Taylor-Joy because I’ve been wanting to use her as a fc for soooo long. Especially with her red hair as Beth in The Queen’s Gambit.

She was living the high life, working for a museum, partying with her university colleagues, making a name for herself in the art history world. Then at a museum, she met a man... who was another telepath. One who could control emotions and soothe the pains and fears of others. Having never met another telepath, Clarissa was instantly intrigued and drawn to him. They fell hard and fast for each other, twisting into a messy and manipulative relationship on both sides. Clarissa thought she was so clever, being able to make this man do things he would have never done... Or so she thought.

In reality, he was a much more powerful telepath than he originally revealed, and had been manipulating Clarissa the entire time. Sure, she had some free will -- like when they decided to rob their first bank together (soothe the teller, force their hand to open the safe for them and tie themselves and the other employees up and delete the recordings), but he was so powerful she never questioned his motives. 

They went on a spree of petty crime, making more money robbing banks and stealing than they ever did from either of their jobs. Clarissa loved him so much and knew he loved her back because he spent every night next to her for the past four months they knew each other. She loved him so much that she trusted him enough to follow him to another job, a heist setup. Nothing out of the ordinary. Get in the van, get out at the warehouse, meet and manipulate the crew, profit.

Except at the warehouse there were no lackeys. The crew of the man she loved so much were there, and were quick to capture her, mainly because he stopped all of her movement. From there, Clarissa was studied like a lab rat, pumped full of experimental drugs to unlock her true telepathic powers.

Her ability to control others was boosted to the point where she would *never* need to disconnect; the pain that came from a few minutes of manipulation was pushed to hours and hours. She had total control over others, making them mimic her every motion like a puppet.

The trade off was the strain it put on her mental state. The headaches still persisted, but painkillers were pumped into her to push them away. The longer she stayed connected with someone, the more it frayed her true self.

Slowly, the true Clarissa was lost. The man used her and abused her, turning her into a puppet of his own, and through her he controlled everything. She would spend days, weeks, sometimes months connected to people in order to complete the orders he put out, with little time between the next connection. For two years she was trapped in that cycle, infiltrating governments and banks and his enemies and destroying them from the inside out. Clarissa was gone, but Synt was found.

But like every great villain who gains too much power too quickly, there’s eventually a downfall. And they fell hard. Their base was raided (by ARGUS???); he escaped, leaving Clarissa to take the fall. He had broken his connection to her too quickly, completely shattering Clarissa’s mind. She put up no fight as she was surrounded and quickly taken to ??? (probably Arkham Asylum. I’m not sure where her story takes place). There, they realized that she was lost and trapped in her own mind. 

Most notably, the one thing Clarissa did have control over was her powers. They had files on her and her powers from before she was kidnapped, and it was noted that besides the power increase, Clarissa now longer had no control over starting a connection. Any eye contact with her turned into control, and she could control multiple people at once. 

Even if currently all that control could do was cause the guards and doctors to fall on the ground in a catatonic state like she was.

It took nearly a year of work, but between intensive therapy and combinations of drugs, Clarissa was brought back. She was brought out of her mind and her new powers were fully studied.

Clarissa knew what she did was wrong, but she felt like she couldn’t be blamed because most of the time she wasn’t even herself. Would she do it again? No. Would she still like to cause a little mayhem? Potentially, as long as she didn’t break again.

This attitude was what gave her her “villain” status. She couldn’t be trusted with her own powers.

Still, her powers were fascinating, and combined with her natural charm, she was not the most hated person in Arkham.

It was found that Clarissa could withstand 3 minutes at most fully connected to someone before her mind began to fray again. When she was connected, she had total control over them, to a terrifying degree. She was also able to control her own body when in the mind of another, their bodies mimicking each other as she controlled them.

A new system to control her powers were established: a locked band over her eyes, the key held by a caretaker. Whenever she was out of her cell, she would be blinded and chained to a caretaker. This was to ensure that she could never escape, and that she could never force off the band if she did manage to escape. 

To be fair, Clarissa never did try to escape, but she was definitely a manipulative force even with her eyes covered. It was a part of her personality.

In her cell, she could have the band taken off, but she was never allowed around others without it on.

Once she was considered “sane”, ARGUS began to show interest in her. A telepath, one under lock and key, could be useful. Use her to control an enemy, get them to surrender and arrest or kill them before Clarissa started to become lost in their joined minds? It would be a valuable asset.

And so she was transferred to Belle Reve...

And that’s all I really have right now. I’m thinking the reason why ARGUS really wants her for TFX is because her old manipulator might be the person they’re targeting. Like... she might have insight on him. I’ve got some scenes in my head about her.

Like one of the features of her villain outfit is a small needle in a bracelet connected to a timer. When her blindfold is unlocked, the timer is started. If it’s not stopped by whoever holds the key/remote, then she’s injected with a sedative that’ll make Clarissa drop like a fly and sever her connection. It’s also useful if she refuses to cut a connection with someone (it can also be triggered manually).

I originally thought of some gags that could be played off if she had to be connected to someone but now I’m thinking her blindfold might be upgraded slightly as to allow her to have some sort of sensor/vision ability so she can find her way around and identify basic aspects of people. It doesn’t allow her to actually see (or allow others to see her eyes), but it makes it so she can have some sort of independence and be able to fight without resorting to manipulation (ie use a gun).

I’m thinking her villain costume is some sort of jewel-toned green or purple with silver and black. It’s surprisingly casual and similar to the outfit she wore under her manipulator.

Eventually she finds out that her manipulator allegedly has a drug that’ll “cure” her at the cost of potentially losing her powers completely. She wants to be better, but not lose the base sense of telepathy that made her her. Moral quandaries ensue.

That is all so far.

[purplesurveys]

1083

surveys by chasingghosts

Just a boring word association survey inspired by one of my old ones. Say the first thing that comes to your head. Don't overthink it :)

Keyboard: Monitor.

Dog: Dalmatian.

School: Pencils.

Italy: Roman Holiday. Ahh one of my favorite movies; such a classic.

Fire: BTS, heh.

Table: Chairs.

Mask: Face mask. New normal and all.

Blanket: Weighted blankets. I still don’t get how they work and I keep imagining that a 20-lbs blanket would feel too warm...I guess I’m willing to try it for a night, but I dunno if I would want to spend 5,000 bucks on one.

Gun: That curly-haired blonde dumbass from the US who keeps bringing one around.

Soda: Fizzy. Do not like.

Man: Trash.

Beautiful: Beast. Beautiful and the Beast is the knockoff version, hahaha.

Country: Roads.

Dictionary: Thesaurus.

Play: Playgrounds.

Yoga: Mat.

Cross: Country.

Happy: Emojis.

Change: Coins.

Orange: The fruit with the same name. Also, hair dye.

Cereal: Fruity Pebbles and Lucky Charms.

Record: Vinyl records, aka what I would like to invest in eventually.

Jail: The Shawshank Redemption, even though I personally didn’t really like it lmao.

Tank: This made me think of the Elisa Lam case. It’s unfortunate what happened to her but personally, I’ll always be more disturbed by the stories of people who had to drink or bathe in that nasty contaminated water.

Plane: Travel. :(

Machine: Factories.

Empty: Outer space.

Medicine: Nasty taste. Whenever I was sick as a kid my parents/grandma always made me drink Tempra which tastes like shit and it took a lot of effort for me not to throw them back up. I hope kids these days have more better-tasting options for medicine.

Stockings: Uncomfortable. I hate stockings and always dread occasions where I’ll have to put them on. Fortunately I haven’t had to for five years now.

Curry: Spicy and aromatic.

Football: Superbowl. Or is it SuperBowl? Super Bowl? Anyway, that event.

Blonde: Jennifer Aniston, heheh.

Pink: Barbie.

Cart: Online shopping.

Bag: Herschel.

Bourbon: Breaking Bad, though I’m not sure if it was indeed bourbon that Hank/Walt regularly drank. First thing that came to mind, though.

Karaoke: Philippine parties.

Caterpillar: That chemical they release when they’re stepped on.

Wizard: Harry Potter.

Number: Queues, lol.

Tired: Myself.

Baby: Baby videos.

Beach: Moana.

Castle: The first thing I thought of is this big orange castle - that is actually an inn - that I would have to pass by every single morning on my way to school, from kinder to high school. It looked like such a pretty, magical castle as a kid and I, along with probably all of my schoolmates who went the same route, thought a real princess lived in it; it just felt that magical. But as I got older I realized most inns/hotels with outlandish gimmicks are the cheap and tacky ones, so the magic was ruined for me as the years went by, haha.

Rock: Patrick Star from Spongebob, since he lives under one.

Hotel: Top-notch hospitality and service.

Weather: Gloomy.

Beanbag:  Comfort.

Clean: Vacuum cleaners...and my mom.

Angry: Rage.

--

I was inspired to make this when I saw a similar survey on here. Answer true or false, or simply mark an 'x' for what applies to you.

Michelle:

You love anything Disney related. I mean not anything? I wouldn’t want Disney merch of every single thing that could be turned into merch; but I do love Disney movies and they have always been great at creating songs that make you feel all magical and giddy inside.

You find any excuse to go shopping. False. I haven’t created a hobby out of shopping; at least not yet, I think. But going inside H&M several times for the past month to buy gifts for my friends has definitely helped in making me see the appeal of shopping. For now, though, I’d still rather do my browsing and shopping in non-clothing stores.

You’re younger than most of your friends. False. I have older and younger friends, but most of them are also 1998 babies since most of my friends are the people I went to school with.

You have really long hair, to your waist or longer. False. It has gotten a lot longer over the past year, but it’s still only up to my upper chest.

You’re pretty antisocial. False. I don’t like throwing this term around loosely because it’s a real personality disorder. I have also gotten more comfortable with people in the last few years and I don’t prefer to be alone anymore.

You have a pet dog/cat that sleeps in your bed with you. False. Either are terrible in staying in bed.

You haven’t had your first kiss yet. False. I had it six years ago, and I have shared hundreds and probably thousands of kisses after that.

You’re Asian. We finally got one! Haha.

You’re good at cooking. Yeah, this is the biggest false statement in this category.

You have dreams of working as a chef. I can see how it’s appealing, but it was never a career dream of mine. My dad is a chef, though.

Cheyenne:

You’re blonde, but not naturally. I currently don’t have plans to dye my hair blonde.  

You always have your fingernails painted. False. I’m the complete opposite of this, but I do want to start having my nails painted professionally as a way to pamper myself from time to time.

You obsess over things easily, to the point of them taking over your life. True, I guess. I get very sensitive and I overthink and overanalyze a lot of actions and situations that aren’t meant to be more than what they actually are. Just last night and this morning I had a bunch of dreams that had to do with a work-related problem I ran into last night. When I feel anxious about something, they would undoubtedly take over my life and it would take a while to break free from them.

You spend a lot of time on the internet. For almost every single minute that I am awake, yes. Sometimes I’ll attempt to disconnect every now and then - which I’ve been better at, to be fair to myself - but it’s always only a matter of time before I will have to look something up on Google.

Your phone may as well be surgically attached to your hand. True. I will occasionally turn it completely off so that no notifications come in, especially during weekends and holidays; but it stays close to me all the same.

You use Snapchat way too much. False. Not anymore, but I definitely used too. I had Snap streaks of varying lengths with a lot of my friends back then. 

You eat a lot of fast food. True and I don’t really feel bad about it, lmao. I love food that tastes good.

You love a bit of gossip. Also true. Not my nicest trait but I do like to keep updated. I mostly receive them though; I never spread or start any myself.

You’re really good at keeping secrets. It’s not my story to tell, so yes, true. I used to share secrets only with Gabie since she was very forgetful, but obviously I don’t have that kind of person anymore.

You’ve never had a boyfriend/girlfriend. False. I’ve had one and we had two stints together.

Morgan:

You work as a receptionist. False, but my mom used to be one. This was before she made the transfer to a more corporate workspace as a secretary.

You eat a lot of food yet you’re still so thin. True. Runs in both sides of the family.

Your siblings are your best friends. My sister and I have a very casual relationship, and while we’re on great terms we don’t do cheesy nor sentimental. I’m not on speaking terms with my brother.

Not many people see your face without makeup. False. Everybody sees me without makeup all the time precisely because I don’t like putting makeup on.

You spend your money carelessly. I can, especially when it comes to spoiling myself or other people. But I am also equally good at saving if I have to.

You dream of living overseas one day. I can confidently tell you that a lot of Filipinos consider this because the situation here hasn’t been stable for the longest time – politically, because we’ve always been led by incompetent heads; economically, because of the Marcoses’ dictatorship and abuse of power and the country’s funds; and socially, because of all the backward, Catholic stances that my country continues to stand for. I would love to live in a place where I wouldn’t be glared at for holding a girl’s hand or where most people are educated enough to vote responsible people into office.

You have a penpal. False. Never had one, never been interested in finding one.

You’re older than most of your friends. False. I vibe the best with people my age so even if I do have some younger friends, my comfort zone are with those who are also 22.

Most of your friends live out of town. An overwhelming majority of them live in Metro Manila, yes. I live just right outside so technically I’m the one who lives ~out of town~

You swear like a sailor. Eh, not anymore. I still let out a number of swear words daily, though. Just not in every sentence.

Tom:

You have so many nicknames that it’s hard for you to keep track. False. I have a grand total of one nickname, and even that is just reserved for family. Most people just call me Robyn.

You have large feet. False as well. My feet are small and can easily slip into size 5 or 6 shoes.

Most of your friends are of the opposite sex. Can’t say this is true. I can only think of one guy friend, who is Hans. I haven’t been able to keep up with my other friends, like JM and Ed, since most of them are busy with either law or med school, and simply because Covid has kept us from seeing each other.

Romantic relationships make you shy and nervous. Getting into one does. Once settled I’m pretty comfortable, mainly because I enjoy nothing more than looking out for the people I love. I’m not looking for a relationship though; not anytime soon.

You watch reality shows religiously. Eh, I wouldn’t describe it as ‘religiously’ but I do watch my fair share of them from time to time when I just want stupid, too-easy-to-digest content.

Pop music is your favourite. One of my favorites. I used to be shy about liking Top 40 songs but the older I get the more I realized that that’s music snobs’ problem and shouldn’t be mine.

Family is very important to you. Only because I’m Asian and family being ~important comes as a default the moment I was born. I’m not emotionally close with them though and they honestly probably wouldn’t weigh so much if I had to make major decisions, like migrating to the other side of the world or having a civil wedding.

You’re the youngest child in your family. False - complete opposite. I am the eldest.

You call your mother by her first name. False. Save for others who may not have the best relationships with their mothers, why would someone do this? :/

You dream of living in a big city one day. True. Yeah, absolutely. Give me all the construction noises and busy traffic and skyscrapers. I feel like I would be the most alive I’ve ever been once I start to live in a loud and hectic big city.

Harry:

You’re determined and motivated in all aspects of your life. Not always. That sounds exhausting. I allow myself to take a breather every now and then; and if I want to be unproductive for a while, I don’t ban myself from being so.

You’re much taller than the majority of your friends. Haha, definitely false. I belong to the smaller batch. I had a massive growth spurt from ages 9-10 but then it just kinda stopped there lol.

You go to the gym at least three days a week. Not the gym, but I do work out from home with that frequency.

You care a lot about your appearance. Ehhh I’m gonna say false. Having to stay/work from home does that. I like dressing up when I get to go outside though, since I seldom get to do it.

You’re a social butterfly. Trueish. I do like being around people more and more now, yeah; but of course, it’s still a work in progress for me. One thing I’m sure if is that I’m definitely not as introverted as I used to be and I have no problem opening up in a group.

You party almost every weekend. I’d love to, but can’t do that for the meantime.

You’re very straightforward and never repeat yourself. Ideally, yes. I like to move on quickly from things and settle them as fast as I can.

You love to write and have been told you’re talented. I do like to write, just not fiction stuff. Writing is my main talent and so I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on it over the years.

You consider yourself intelligent. Booksmart, at least.

You’re a bit of a player. Like, when it comes to relationships and flirting? ...Hell no. Again, very straightforward person lmao I’m either in a relationship or not.

Zack:

You’re in a band. False. Never been and never been interested.

You’re straight-edge. HAH, remember when I claimed to be edge when I was a teenager...I will say that listening to punk throughout high school and being familiar with the straight edge scene gave me a sense of belonging for a time, and it taught me so many important mindsets like positive mental attitude. But I can admit to myself that straight edge was a commitment I failed at, and as the saying goes, “If you’re not now, you never were.” I’ll always be thankful to the movement for helping me keep going during my tough teenage years, though.

You can play two or more instruments. Will it count if I say I know how to play the recorder, maracas, and the triangle? Hahahahaha but in all seriousness, I believe I don’t deserve to bold this.

You’re an uncle/aunt. I’m a godmother, which is pretty much aunt status in the Philippines. My godson is my first cousin though, and him being my cousin takes precedence over the fact that he is my godson.

You love Doctor Who. False. Never got into it.

You’re short for your age and most of your friends tower over you. I’m shorter, thinner, and look younger for my age. Long story short, I look like I’m 16 and I’m the one who gets ID’d the most whenever I enter bars or malls. I always feel triumphant whenever I get to show my driver’s license to judgy bouncers or security guards who look at me all conceitedly, though.

You’ve been cheated on before. False. My ex is heavily against cheating, and I always trusted her.

You have a big family. Any Asian would bold this, let’s be real. My immediate family itself is small with only 5 members; but my entire family – 1st cousins, 2nd cousins, 3rd cousins (and so on), cousins-in-law, cousins of cousins, aunts- and uncles-in-law, great-aunts/uncles and all – would amount to hundreds of relatives.

You have a nap every single day, without fail. Can’t do that as I have a busy 8-hour shift each weekday and I make up for it during weekends by drinking multiple cups of coffee a day.

You’re mostly quiet, but you can be loud when the situation calls for it. Definitely true. Or when I’m with the right mix of people.

Jenny:

You’re really good with computers. False. I know most things a Gen Z-er would know about, like basic spreadsheet formulas, keyboard shortcuts, how to retrieve files that crashed – basically the stuff that would let me survive at work; but to this day, I will still ask my much-techier sister how to download fonts or open ZIPs or compress photos.

You’re shy. At first; but I no longer have a hard time warming up to new people or situations.

You underestimate yourself often. True. While I know this isn’t a very good trait of mine, I find that it’s actually helpful sometimes? Setting my expectations low helps make me proud of myself whenever I succeed or excel at a task. In the long run, I’m okay with this mindset.

You recently moved house. The last time I did this was in 2008. I’m not looking to move out any time soon either as I make far from enough to afford even just renting a place.

You have a German Shepherd. False. The only people I know who own one is Chelsea’s family, but it’s been like five years since I saw that dog.

You wear baggy clothes. False. Not my style.

You almost always wear a beanie. False. I am never seen with a beanie and I only wear one when I’m in places with a much colder climate than Manila, like Baguio.

You have long hair if you’re a boy, and short hair if you’re a girl. Also false. My hair has since gotten a lot longer, and I’m due for another trim.

You recently got out of a really long relationship. True. Not my choice, but true.

You’re in a band. Again, never been.

Emily:

You’re a really good drawer. You mean an artist? False. At 22, I can only promise you stick figures.

You can’t help but doodle on anything you see. If there’s a pen and scratch paper lying around that are free to use, I will most definitely use up the whole page. Instead of doodling, though – since I can’t draw – I write things, practice my penmanship to make sure it hasn’t gotten all rusty, and whatnot. 

You want a career in art. False. That career path has always been paved for my sister.

You’re basically a personal taxi service for your friends who can’t drive. Hahaha this was essentially me in pre-pandemic days. Driving is such a simple good deed for someone considering the shitty public transportation in my country, and I would’ve been an asshole if I didn’t do anything to help my friends out.

Jeans and band shirts are your favourite thing to wear. Mom jeans and just *t-shirts are overall a great casual combo that never gets dated; but I don’t do band shirts.

You’re always wearing a necklace and lots of wristbands/bracelets. False. I would love more jewelry, though.

You have a lot of piercings on your ears. Also false. I’m not interested in piercings.

Your hair is currently an unnatural colour. False. It’s just black.

Not many people see your loud and boisterous side. I save this for my super super close friends.

You have several friend groups which you move between often. I can think of three off the top of my head.

Jack:

You always seem to have a boyfriend/girlfriend. This was me for six yearssssss, haha. The image I held for the longest time is that I was off the market and was in a happy, fulfilling, long-term relationship; so these days, it can get kinda fun watching people fumble around, not used to seeing me single again after what feels like a lifetime.

You have a fear of being single. I used to, only because I was taken for a really long time. I didn’t know if singlehood would work out for me, or how I would handle it. It took some getting used to but I’m happy now. I’m not looking to date, much less consider jumping into another romantic relationship.

When you’re not in a relationship, you’re a big flirter. Not at all. The flirting/dating scene is just not for me.

You are really sensitive and sympathetic towards your friends. I mean...like any good friend? Lmao.

Music means a lot to you. It doesn’t keep me alive per se, but sure.

You often overdo it when you drink alcohol. I wouldn’t say so. I like chugging a lot within the first 30 minutes (which helps because I’m low-tolerance and get lit way earlier than others do lol) but because I’ve always had to drive myself home after drinking nights in college, I’ve been conditioned to still be responsible with my alcohol and to start sobering up 2 hours before I have to leave.

You have no shame and love to be silly and have fun. I do like having fun in many ways, but I am probably the most rigid among my friends. I don’t really like doing silly dares or skits or dances in public.

You’re impulsive and this isn’t always a good thing. I’m working on it and have been better at it over the last few months. Now I take more time to think about things and weigh them out before I make a decision.

You have facial hair. False. There’s some light hair above my lip, nothing super thick or recognizable.

You have a baby brother/sister. False. I have younger siblings but I call neither of them my baby sibling because they are 20 and 17, lmao.

Nicole:

You’re madly in love with your significant other. I don’t get to answer this anymore. If you met me at an earlier time I would’ve gladly said yes, though.

You want to get married when you’re young. False. I want to get married when I feel mature enough and financially capable of handling a marriage and the things that can come out of a marriage, like a house and kids.

You’re quite petite. I’m naturally petite, yes. I’ve always been on the skinny side and I’m also shorter than most of my friends.

You dye your hair regularly. False. It has stayed black all my life, but I do want to experiment with green.

It’s almost impossible for you to feel the cold. False. I’m very sensitive to the cold and will shiver easily in an air-conditioned room.

You’re really good at flattering other people. Sure, I like giving compliments and reassurances.

You’re very self-conscious. And very insecure sometimes, yeah.

You find it difficult to make new friends. Sure, but only because I like to control the people that are in my circle. I’m not desperate to have hundreds of friends so this isn’t an issue for me.

People often stereotype you as emo. I have never gotten this before.

You’ve come a long way in the past couple of years. What can I say? Been through a lot, been through hell and back, been discarded and doubted, but I’m still here.

The end.

Who were you most like? Cheyenne. Cute name, too.

[lovvegood-a]

                       she had this weird habit of being herself all the time ;                                        that’s why not everyone liked her

hunter schafer : transwoman : she/her : student : the wind by pj harvey ϟ did you see luna lovegood ? you know, 21 year old halfblood who is in ravenclaw . some say she can be quite innovative but are known to be blunt. they have publicly declared they are aligned with the order . maybe that’s why they remind me of green grass tickling bare feet, spring flowers, locking hands with the ones you love, a watery moon against a morning sky. ϟ penned by mar : 22 : gmt+2 : she/her

LINKS – pinboard, stats. CHARACTER PARALLELS – orla mccool ( derry girls ), allison dufresnes ( the little friend ), phoebe buffay ( friends ), misty day ( ahs: coven ), dale cooper ( twin peaks ), murray bauman ( stranger things ) HEYO – just a little heads up that there’s some triggers in here ( mainly death, trauma and dissociation ) but i will trigger warn them at every bulletpoint they come up in. also hi!!! i’m mar and this is my daughter luna eeek.

backstory  

the first nine years of luna’s life were nothing short of happy. growing up with free minded parents --- a mother who invented spells and who dared to expand possibility and a father who wrote about things others thought untrue and silly without ever doubting them --- was a carefree ordeal. if luna wanted to paint on the walls, she was given supplies. if she had a question, she got all the answers she needed. her home twisted and curled and twirled and luna danced herself dizzy while skipping stairs, ran through the grass around her home until all the colours started to bleed. she grew radishes and plums and potatoes in her backyard, listened to her father’s teachings and her mother’s advice, wrote stories and read more. life was good, carefree, an ideal world to grow up in.

DEATH TW, TRAUMA TW / and then, at nine years old, her mother died. luna watched a spell backfire, saw a flash, heard a bang, and then she was hammering on her mother’s chest, screaming for her father to come help, screaming at her mother to wake up. death happened both incredibly quickly and slowly, and luna didn’t understand what was happening, except for one thing: her mother was gone, one way or another.

luna didn’t know what to do with this sudden loss, with this gap, with the memories of a flash and a bang. she grew quiet and good at being on her own, and started painting more and more. she combated flashbacks during the day, only to have them at night as she slept. she clung to the idea that her mother would return one day ( which she still believes ), but it was taking so long --- every day she would wake up and her mother would still be gone.

luna was traumatised, but it would take years for her to figure it out. the years before she left for hogwarts were hard. she was lonely, in a different way that she would be once she arrived at school. her dynamic with her father shifted. luna learned how to look after herself. she made herself cups of warm milk when she couldn’t sleep and cooked her father dinner and tried to understand what death was, exactly. no books answered her questions. her father couldn’t, either. death was inexplicable, and that was frustrating, because there seemed to be an answer to everything, especially in her world. END OF TWS

luna came out as trans when she was ten to her father, and he took her hands and didn’t let go all the way through. he didn’t question her. he accepted her, because that was what he had always done, and he found options and steps to take and listened, listened, listened.

luna loves her father. so much. she always has, always will.

she was homeschooled in her teen years, spending time on her father’s side, helping him with the quibbler, and spending more time on her own, reading books and exploring her tiny world step by step. luna lived quite an isolated life, in all honesty, but she didn’t mind? she didn’t really feel lonely, or even knew what that would feel like. there was her dad, and the stray animals that were always around, and sometimes friends of her dad, and no, maybe not a lot of people her age --- but she didn’t mind. i want to link this quote from it because it just! rly reminds me of this.

luna left for hogwarts, both scared and worried for her father ( now all alone in their tall home ) and excited for all the opportunity that was waiting for her there. luna was sorted into ravenclaw very quickly, the hat barely taking any time, and a new chapter began. she noticed that she was odd — or, actually, other people noticed that she was and told it to her, and she shrugged her shoulders and kept moving on. luna was somewhat reclusive, or at least used to being on her own. she did learn what loneliness was, then, but she still didnt see a reason to befriend people who looked down on her beliefs. she didn’t mind being called loony, but when her belongings started to disappear, she grew angry, deep down. she let most comments and acts of cruelty slide off her back, but when a bad word was muttered about her father ( who she already worried so so much about ), she was prone to explosion.

so luna stuck to herself, her guns and her beliefs. she devoured books and walked the hogwarts grounds and connected to a few people here and there. luna’s skin grew thicker. she grew prouder.

regarding the triwizard tournament & currently

after harry returned from the maze with cedric, luna spent no time doubting his words. she saw what she saw, and the prophet and ministry are doing what they’ve always done: they lie. that’s something she’s known all her life ( thanks xeno! ) and something that’s just being reaffirmed.

DISSOCIATION TW  / it’s scary, though, this reality --- but luna feels an urgency for what seems like the first time in years. ever since her mother’s death, luna has felt a disconnection. to herself. to the world. everything feels like a hazy dream much too often, and it’s something that she’s never really been aware of, but it’s kept her from engaging. from being more present. it’s protected her from the trauma that’s still haunting her head. this war, it both triggers her dissociation and seems to dissolve it. whereas before, she seemed to be stuck in a constant haze, she now goes in and out of it. it’s making her aware of what’s going on in her head, but it’s mostly making her aware of the world around her. 

this is what pushes her to join the order. to join the fight. luna feels an urgency, and she’s angry, because injustice is something that enrages her. she’s scared and angry and feels so fucking alive, and it’s strange, that it takes this for her to feel less lonely and more alive. END OF TW

personality & details

luna is such a fashion icon, i cannot press this enough. holy. shit.

i just ... realised it’s the 00s. luna def wears dresses over jeans.... sighs. IMAGINE LUNA IN A JUICY TRACKSUIT JUST. IMAGINE! 

and like it’s not like luna ... adheres to fashion trends at all, but still. i think ‘03 fashion rly suits luna bc it’s so   bad  sdjkfhskdjf

luna loves the stars and the moon and the skies and she’s endlessly intrigued by it because —— there are so many unanswered questions! same goes for deep sea, tbh. she wants to go scuba diving so badly as well! the muggle way!

i just want to let u all in on my headcanon that luna and binns ... have had a lot of discussions because luna just thinks that a lot of the things they’re taught in history are WRONG. this conspiracy theory filled kid just goes in and says “that didn’t happen” and i swear binns probably wants to die a second time every time she denies factual information (but then ... the history being taught in school being wrong? or at least very much biased? not unheard of. she has a POINT. well. sometimes.) the founders, for example? a hoax. a fable! 

she constantly gets rly bad grades on her essays tho LMAO it’s an Issue. i bet that flitwick is so TIRED. 

idk i probs have more to say but i cant remember and i need to go out and do groceries fjsdkjfhdsf 

[hskswife]

dad || p. jm

Summary: Maybe he never realized that maybe just maybe you felt that you had lost both your parents.

AU: Dad!Jimin

Genre: Angst

Words: 1300

A/N: I know I havent posted in a while but I’m sorry you guys I spent these couple months trying to find motivation to do anything in general. I lost a friend and it had been hard. But I took the time to recuperate and try to truly find myself. Sorry and thank you for understanding.

WARNING THIS STORY CONTAINS SENSITIVE CONTENT SUCH AS SUICIDE

Part 1 || Part 2

Everything had been off since mom left us behind. My dad drowned himself in work. Continued to work on projects begged BigHit for more work. Eventually, you saw him less and less. You guessed he never even thought that maybe your mom disappearing off the face of the earth was as hard on you as it was on him. Maybe he never realized that maybe just maybe you felt that you had lost both your parents. Him being so disconnected from his emotions. From you.

Months have passed. You grew thinner and cared less about whatever was going on in your life. All your grades soon started to fall. Except for art. Painting took you to another world. When you painted for some reason all the desperation had been pulled out of your chest making you able to breathe for just a quick second. Before reality hits you once more. Your paintings were quiet cries for help but no one, not even the teacher, had the ability to decipher your thoughts on canvas. Inside your room, you blasted music unaware that your dad had walked into the room. "Hey sweetheart..." Sitting up you turned off the music, "Dad."  Your dad gave you that gentle smile that has every girl in the nation swooning. His smile had always soothed you but something was off. Something bad. "Sweety I want you to eat dinner with us." You scoffed. You don't even remember when the last time the two of you had sat down for dinner together, "Dinner? Who's us?"

"Just get dressed and trust me, sweety, okay?" You gave him a nod as he placed a kiss on your forehead.

Arriving at dinner you adjusted your skirt as you looked around the restaurant. "Y/N sweetheart over here!" You turned your head towards the center of the restaurant. You found yourself staring at a table with your 6 uncles and 2 other strangers you had never even met before. "Wow. Y/N you look stunning. Just like your mother." You nod sadly smiling rubbing your elbows as you took a seat in between your uncles, Taehyung and Jungkook," Thanks, Uncle Tae."

"So I called you all here for a reason. I wanted the most important people in my life to witness this amazing moment in my life. Again. Except for some of you, it'll be the first." He said staring at you and another young man at the table. Confused you sat there quietly grabbing the glass of water taking a light sip before your dad had dropped the bomb. You watched as your dad got up from his seat grabbing a box from his back pocket and pulling out a ring in front of the woman. "Sohye...will you marry me." You looked around at your uncles who all had a look of surprise and happiness on their faces.

You wanted to yell. You wanted him to know how you felt. I mean how can he marry someone I have never met before even today. But you stayed quiet. Everyone looked happy for him you might as well be, right? The both of you can't suffer forever. At least one of you guys will be happy.

After the wedding, you mainly secluded yourself in your room. At least your dad had been home more often. He would never check in much though. Or ever. You began writing letters. Letters for everyone in your life. That was a new way of relieving stress. Your art room was taken away by your dad and new mom because they figured it had been distracting you from your studies.

You turn off your music as you head downstairs to grab a cup of water when you heard a noise. You flinched not aware anyone had even been home. But you snuck around to take a peek of the noise in the dining room. Your heart dropped as you found your dad, your new mother, and new brother all enjoying a warm happy meal without you.

"Jimin...it's about your daughter she's a bit of a..." She dragged as her son finished the sentence. "A loser, a loner, a freak."

"Jun! That's not--"

"He's right." Your heart dropped as you heard your father agree with those cruel words insulting your own being. Having heard enough, you walked away. Your eyes watered. Tears rolled down your cheeks as you walked into your bathroom. Staring at yourself in the mirror. "They're right." You are a loser. Your own mom had never even told you why she left. Your mom never even told you she loved you before she left. Your own mom left you. Your own dad left you behind and became happy all on his own. Your own dad doesn't even remember it's your birthday. Your own dad doesn't even want to look at you. You took one last long look at yourself before you opened the door. You looked at the door as you sat on your bed. Hoping and praying your dad would burst into the door with a cake happily singing happy birthday.

You waited until the clock struck midnight. "It's over."

You scoffed grabbing a jacket from your closet walking out of the suffocating home. Putting your hoodie on you walked to the river your mom and dad would take you on the mornings of your birthday. You yelled getting looks from people or cars passing by. You began to wonder when everything went wrong. Your mother left for a reason right? You began to think it had to have something to do with you. Why else would she leave? It started to rain and you cursed louder.

You sat on the ledge. Crying you looked down at the water. You bet it was cold but you knew nothing was colder than living in that home. To your dad, you were a loser. A nobody. Ready to jump you stood up on the ledge.

"Y/N!!" Eyes filled with tears you turned your head to find 3 of your uncles in disguise obviously. "What are you doing sweety get off there it's dangerous."

"Sure I mean now everyone cares right?" You cried back. "Y/N what are you talking about your dad loves you..." You scoffed, "He doesn't love me...no one does."

"Y/N!" Your dad yelled behind your three uncles. "Oh my god," Your stepmother yelled following his steps. "What are you doing here sweetheart. Get down from here. Come into daddy's arm."

"Daddy? Daddy didn't even remember to greet me happy birthday but was quick to call me a freak." You laughed walking back as they stepped forward, "You think you were the only one suffering when mom left. You never stopped by the house for 6 months! Then you come to invite me to a dinner where you're getting remarried?!  To a woman, I have never met!" You cried harder, "But at least one of us gets to be happy right? I mean after I'm gone at least you'll have her and her son."

"Baby...what are you talking about? You're going to be here...let's talk please...I--"

"You ignore my messages. You ignore my invites to the Galleria. But quick to come to Jun's recitals...Just face it. You left mom behind. You left me behind." You wiped your tears that grew very unnecessary as your face stayed wet from the pouring rain. "I'm sorry I was such a burden to all of you. I love you, daddy." You smiled before closing your eyes. Leaning back your stomach feeling as if it had left your body you closed your eyes and in a split second, you fell in the water. Your body numb from either the cold or the impact you closed your eyes as the air was squeezed out of your body and soon enough. You fell unconscious into the dark wrapped around nothing but the freezing water.

[things2mustdo]

[Editor’s Note: This is just one of thirteen essays in our newly-released collection of first-hand reports about the reality of race, Face to Face with Race.]

I am a public defender in a large southern metropolitan area. Fewer than ten percent of the people in the area I serve are black but over 90 percent of my clients are black. The remaining ten percent are mainly Hispanics but there are a few whites.

I have no explanation for why this is, but crime has racial patterns. Hispanics usually commit two kinds of crime: sexual assault on children and driving under the influence. Blacks commit many violent crimes but very few sex crimes. The handful of whites I see commit all kinds of crimes. In my many years as a public defender I have represented only three Asians, and one was half black.

As a young lawyer, I believed the official story that blacks are law abiding, intelligent, family-oriented people, but are so poor they must turn to crime to survive. Actual black behavior was a shock to me.

The media invariably sugarcoat black behavior. Even the news reports of the very crimes I dealt with in court were slanted. Television news intentionally leaves out unflattering facts about the accused, and sometimes omits names that are obviously black. All this rocked my liberal, tolerant beliefs, but it took me years to set aside my illusions and accept the reality of what I see every day. I have now served thousands of blacks and their families, protecting their rights and defending them in court. What follow are my observations.

Although blacks are only a small percentage of our community, the courthouse is filled with them: the halls and gallery benches are overflowing with black defendants, families, and crime victims. Most whites with business in court arrive quietly, dress appropriately, and keep their heads down. They get in and get out — if they can — as fast as they can. For blacks, the courthouse is like a carnival. They all seem to know each other: hundreds and hundreds each day, gossiping, laughing loudly, waving, and crowding the halls.

When I am appointed to represent a client I introduce myself and explain that I am his lawyer. I explain the court process and my role in it, and I ask the client some basic questions about himself. At this stage, I can tell with great accuracy how people will react. Hispanics are extremely polite and deferential. An Hispanic will never call me by my first name and will answer my questions directly and with appropriate respect for my position. Whites are similarly respectful.

A black man will never call me Mr. Smith; I am always “Mike.” It is not unusual for a 19-year-old black to refer to me as “dog.” A black may mumble complaints about everything I say, and roll his eyes when I politely interrupt so I can continue with my explanation. Also, everything I say to blacks must be at about the third-grade level. If I slip and use adult language, they get angry because they think I am flaunting my superiority.

At the early stages of a case, I explain the process to my clients. I often do not yet have the information in the police reports. Blacks are unable to understand that I do not yet have answers to all of their questions, but that I will by a certain date. They live in the here and the now and are unable to wait for anything. Usually, by the second meeting with the client I have most of the police reports and understand their case.

Unlike people of other races, blacks never see their lawyer as someone who is there to help them. I am a part of the system against which they are waging war. They often explode with anger at me and are quick to blame me for anything that goes wrong in their case.

Black men often try to trip me up and challenge my knowledge of the law or the facts of the case. I appreciate sincere questions about the elements of the offense or the sentencing guidelines, but blacks ask questions to test me. Unfortunately, they are almost always wrong in their reading, or understanding, of the law, and this can cause friction. I may repeatedly explain the law, and provide copies of the statute showing, for example, why my client must serve six years if convicted, but he continues to believe that a hand-written note from his “cellie” is controlling law.

The risks of trial

The Constitution allows a defendant to make three crucial decisions in his case. He decides whether to plea guilty or not guilty. He decides whether to have a bench trial or a jury trial. He decides whether he will testify or whether he will remain silent. A client who insists on testifying is almost always making a terrible mistake, but I cannot stop him.

Most blacks are unable to speak English well. They cannot conjugate verbs. They have a poor grasp of verb tenses. They have a limited vocabulary. They cannot speak without swearing. They often become hostile on the stand. Many, when they testify, show a complete lack of empathy and are unable to conceal a morality based on the satisfaction of immediate, base needs. This is a disaster, especially in a jury trial. Most jurors are white, and are appalled by the demeanor of uneducated, criminal blacks.

Prosecutors are delighted when a black defendant takes the stand. It is like shooting fish in a barrel. However, the defense usually gets to cross-examine the black victim, who is likely to make just as bad an impression on the stand as the defendant. This is an invaluable gift to the defense, because jurors may not convict a defendant — even if they think he is guilty — if they dislike the victim even more than they dislike the defendant.

Most criminal cases do not go to trial. Often the evidence against the accused is overwhelming, and the chances of conviction are high. The defendant is better off with a plea bargain: pleading guilty to a lesser charge and getting a lighter sentence.

The decision to plea to a lesser charge turns on the strength of the evidence. When blacks ask the ultimate question — “Will we win at trial?” — I tell them I cannot know, but I then describe the strengths and weaknesses of our case. The weaknesses are usually obvious: There are five eyewitnesses against you. Or, you made a confession to both the detective and your grandmother. They found you in possession of a pink cell phone with a case that has rhinestones spelling the name of the victim of the robbery. There is a video of the murderer wearing the same shirt you were wearing when you were arrested, which has the words “In Da Houz” on the back, not to mention you have the same “RIP Pookie 7/4/12” tattoo on your neck as the man in the video. Etc.

If you tell a black man that the evidence is very harmful to his case, he will blame you. “You ain’t workin’ fo’ me.” “It like you workin’ with da State.” Every public defender hears this. The more you try to explain the evidence to a black man, the angrier he gets. It is my firm belief many blacks are unable to discuss the evidence against them rationally because they cannot view things from the perspective of others. They simply cannot understand how the facts in the case will appear to a jury.

This inability to see things from someone else’s perspective helps explain why there are so many black criminals. They do not understand the pain they are inflicting on others. One of my robbery clients is a good example. He and two co-defendants walked into a small store run by two young women. All three men were wearing masks. They drew handguns and ordered the women into a back room. One man beat a girl with his gun. The second man stood over the second girl while the third man emptied the cash register. All of this was on video.

My client was the one who beat the girl. When he asked me, “What are our chances at trial?” I said, “Not so good.” He immediately got angry, raised his voice, and accused me of working with the prosecution. I asked him how he thought a jury would react to the video. “They don’t care,” he said. I told him the jury would probably feel deeply sympathetic towards these two women and would be angry at him because of how he treated them. I asked him whether he felt bad for the women he had beaten and terrorized. He told me what I suspected — what too many blacks say about the suffering of others: “What do I care? She ain’t me. She ain’t kin. Don’t even know her.”

No fathers

As a public defender, I have learned many things about people. One is that defendants do not have fathers. If a black even knows the name of his father, he knows of him only as a shadowy person with whom he has absolutely no ties. When a client is sentenced, I often beg for mercy on the grounds that the defendant did not have a father and never had a chance in life. I have often tracked down the man’s father — in jail — and have brought him to the sentencing hearing to testify that he never knew his son and never lifted a finger to help him. Often, this is the first time my client has ever met his father. These meetings are utterly unemotional.

Many black defendants don’t even have mothers who care about them. Many are raised by grandmothers after the state removes the children from an incompetent teenaged mother. Many of these mothers and grandmothers are mentally unstable, and are completely disconnected from the realities they face in court and in life. A 47-year-old grandmother will deny that her grandson has gang ties even though his forehead is tattooed with a gang sign or slogan. When I point this out in as kind and understanding way as I can, she screams at me. When black women start screaming, they invoke the name of Jesus and shout swear words in the same breath.

Black women have great faith in God, but they have a twisted understanding of His role. They do not pray for strength or courage. They pray for results: the satisfaction of immediate needs. One of my clients was a black woman who prayed in a circle with her accomplices for God’s protection from the police before they would set out to commit a robbery.

The mothers and grandmothers pray in the hallways — not for justice, but for acquittal. When I explain that the evidence that their beloved child murdered the shop keeper is overwhelming, and that he should accept the very fair plea bargain I have negotiated, they will tell me that he is going to trial and will “ride with the Lord.” They tell me they speak to God every day and He assures them that the young man will be acquitted.

The mothers and grandmothers do not seem to be able to imagine and understand the consequences of going to trial and losing. Some — and this is a shocking reality it took me a long time to grasp — don’t really care what happens to the client, but want to make it look as though they care. This means pounding their chests in righteous indignation, and insisting on going to trial despite terrible evidence. They refuse to listen to the one person — me — who has the knowledge to make the best recommendation. These people soon lose interest in the case, and stop showing up after about the third or fourth court date. It is then easier for me to convince the client to act in his own best interests and accept a plea agreement.

Part of the problem is that underclass black women begin having babies at age 15. They continue to have babies, with different black men, until they have had five or six. These women do not go to school. They do not work. They are not ashamed to live on public money. They plan their entire lives around the expectation that they will always get free money and never have to work. I do not see this among whites, Hispanics, or any other people.

The black men who become my clients also do not work. They get social security disability payments for a mental defect or for a vague and invisible physical ailment. They do not pay for anything: not for housing (Grandma lives on welfare and he lives with her), not for food (Grandma and the baby-momma share with him), and not for child support. When I learn that my 19-year-old defendant does not work or go to school, I ask, “What do you do all day?” He smiles. “You know, just chill.” These men live in a culture with no expectations, no demands, and no shame.

If you tell a black to dress properly for trial, and don’t give specific instructions, he will arrive in wildly inappropriate clothes. I represented a woman who was on trial for drugs; she wore a baseball cap with a marijuana leaf embroidered on it. I represented a man who wore a shirt that read “rules are for suckers” to his probation hearing. Our office provides suits, shirts, ties, and dresses for clients to wear for jury trials. Often, it takes a whole team of lawyers to persuade a black to wear a shirt and tie instead of gang colors.

From time to time the media report that although blacks are 12 percent of the population they are 40 percent of the prison population. This is supposed to be an outrage that results from unfair treatment by the criminal justice system. What the media only hint at is another staggering reality: recidivism. Black men are arrested and convicted over and over. It is typical for a black man to have five felony convictions before the age of 30. This kind of record is rare among whites and Hispanics, and probably even rarer among Asians.

Source: Bureau of Justice Statistics.

At one time our office was looking for a motto that defined our philosophy. Someone joked that it should be: “Doesn’t everyone deserve an eleventh chance?”

I am a liberal. I believe that those of us who are able to produce abundance have a moral duty to provide basic food, shelter, and medical care for those who cannot care for themselves. I believe we have this duty even to those who can care for themselves but don’t. This world view requires compassion and a willingness to act on it.

My experience has taught me that we live in a nation in which a jury is more likely to convict a black defendant who has committed a crime against a white. Even the dullest of blacks know this. There would be a lot more black-on-white crime if this were not the case.

However, my experience has also taught me that blacks are different by almost any measure to all other people. They cannot reason as well. They cannot communicate as well. They cannot control their impulses as well. They are a threat to all who cross their paths, black and non-black alike.

I do not know the solution to this problem. I do know that it is wrong to deceive the public. Whatever solutions we seek should be based on the truth rather than what we would prefer was the truth. As for myself, I will continue do my duty to protect the rights of all who need me.

[sidwellxcen384-blog]

Grand Theft Auto PC Download gtadownload.org: What No One Is Talking About

Grand Theft Auto V Review Game

For me, GTA V ’s extraordinary range is summed winning inside two favourite moments. Individual becomes from the mid-game mission where I rushed a flat in a different plane, attacked the folks, hijacked the thing, and then parachuted ready and inspected it crash in the ocean to escape death for the supply of pay military fighter aircraft. One more occasion, whilst travel around in the off-road buggy, I got distracted in something looks like a means up among the San Andreas mountains. Turns out it was a avenue, after that I finished 15 minutes respect on the meeting, wherever I nearly ran over the faction of hikers. “Typical!” one of them yelled by everyone, as though he practically gets run over by a rogue ATV together with a mountain every time he goes on the hike.

I could go on this way for ages. GTA V has an plenty of like moments, deep with tiny, that make San Andreas – the location of Los Santos and surrounding areas – feel like a living earth in which anything can take place. It both gives you tremendous freedom to investigate an amazingly well-realised world and orders a story that’s gripping, exciting, and darkly comic. It is a step advance into narrative style for the lines, with there’s no physical component of the gameplay that hasn’t been strengthened over Grand Theft Auto IV. It’s immediately obvious the insurance routine is far more dependable and the auto-aim less touchy. The cars feel less like their tires are made of butter with shove better to the road, although the exaggerated handling still leaves plenty of place for spectacular wipeouts. Also on long past, Rockstar has completely killed among their most persistent demons, mission checkpointing, making sure that you never have to do a long, tedious take six when you repeatedly fail a mission ever again.

GTA V is also an intellectual, wickedly comic, and bitingly relevant commentary about contemporary, post-economic crisis America. All about it drips satire: it flies into the Millennial generation, celebrities, the much exactly, the widely effect, the core school, the media... Nothing is safe from Rockstar’s sharp tongue, including modern video games. One prominent supporting character spends mainly of the moment wearing their bedroom shouting sexual threats in public on the headset whilst showing a first-person shooter called Righteous Slaughter (“Rated PG – pretty much the same as the last game.”) It is not precisely subtle – he practically has the word “Entitled” tattooed in the throat, plus the in-game radio and Television outright piss-takes don’t put much for the imagination – but it is often extremely weird, and a bit provocative with it. Grand Theft Auto’s San Andreas is a fantasy, but the issues this satirises – greed, corruption, hypocrisy, the hurt of right – become many very real. If GTA IV happened a targeted killing of the American dream, GTA V takes point in the new American reality. The attention to factor that assumes making the world feel lively with believable is also what makes the satire so biting.

Grand Theft Auto V ’s plot happily works in the boundaries of plausibility, sending people away to drive dirt bikes along the highest of schools, hijack military plane, and engage in absurd shootouts with tally of policemen, yet it is three main figures become what keep it relatable level at it is many severe. The well-written and worked interplay between them provides the biggest laughs and most affecting times, with the way to their associations with just one another polished with my opinion of them changed throughout the history produced the plot their right. They think that people – albeit extraordinarily f***ed-up people.

Michael is a retired con work into his 40s, block out across the heart like he drinks beside the band now his Vinewood mansion with a layabout son, air-headed daughter, serially unfaithful wife, and very expensive therapist – most of who hate him. Franklin is a son from downtown Los Santos who laments the gang-banger stereotype even as he’s reluctantly seduced by the prospect of an better score. And then there’s Trevor, a hazardous career criminal that days from the wilderness selling drugs and murdering rednecks; a psychopath whose bloodthirsty lunacy is fuelled with a arrangement of methamphetamine along with a genuinely messed-up childhood.

The objective flit among their own original tale then a good overarching plotline which means all three, and a glory to GTA V’s versatility and universal quality that each person cover his bit of standout vision. When the arcs developed I sense very differently on both ones by different ages – they’re not exclusively the archetypes that they are.

This three-character structure causes for excellent rate and extreme form in the storyline, it also allows Rockstar to compartmentalise different aspects of Grand Theft Auto’s personality. In doing this, it sidesteps some of the troubling disconnect that appeared when Niko Bellic abruptly changed between anti-violent philosophising and sociopathic killing sprees in GTA IV. Here, many of Michael’s missions revolve covering their ancestors with the past, Franklin is usually on demand vehicular disorder, with severe murderous charges are permit to Trevor. Each state a unique ability matched to help their talents – Franklin could to help slow time while taking, for example – that ends them a unique touch. Narratively, it’s powerful – even off-mission I found myself playing with nature, acting like a mid-life-crisis gentleman with frustration issues because Jordan, a thrill-seeker as Franklin, and a maniac as Trevor. The first thing I did as Franklin finally do some good cash was believe him a great amazing car, since I touch like that’s exactly what he’d want.

Trevor considers a like a tiny get-out-of-jail-free license for Rockstar, presenting an outlet for all the preposterous actions and deadly behavior which otherwise might not fit in with GTA V’s narrative ambitions. I found his violent insanity a minute overblown and boring at first. Because get-out clauses go, even though, their pretty successful, with Trevor’s over-the-top missions are most of GTA V’s action-packed highlights. It’s a successful way of fixing a quandary that’s prevalent in open-world games: the tension between report the writers want to request, then the tale you develop yourself in their structure and its world. Grand Theft Auto V accommodates both, masterfully, allowing not to challenge the other.

The actual pretense of moving between them also provides a window in personal days with problems, fleshing off their personalities in a way that feels usual and story. Collect a atmosphere and the video camera moves out in the San Andreas map, closing back happening upon where they happen to be. Michael can occur at home watching TV when you release here on him, or race beside the motorway blasting ‘80s attacks, or using a cigarette on the golf club; Franklin can live moving away from a strip club, munching a case of snacks at home, or arguing with his ex-girlfriend; there’s a good prospect to Trevor could be tossed out half naked on the beach surrounded with over groups or, one memorable occasion, down in a stolen police helicopter.

It could be nearly everything, because there is a bewildering variety of details to do in the original San Andreas – tennis, yoga, hiking, people on sea then about ground, flying planes, golfing, cycling, diving, hunting, and more. The vision are a great intelligent leader to both San Andreas’ locations and its activities, visit people about the map and whetting the appetite for free exploration of it all. How that we’re established to San Andreas never feels artificial – the plan is fully open in the opening, for example – which says to the notion to the a real place, where you can get to know. If GTA IV’s Liberty City feels like a living city, San Andreas feels like a living world. I get people going their pet alongside the sand in the country so I jet-skied past, arguing for the street outside a cinema with Los Santos, and camped – with covering then anything – overnight in Support Chiliad, before packing positive with lasting a backpack in the morning. The astounding.

The ambience changes dramatically counting in where you are, also. Trevor’s dusty trailer out in the middle of nowhere in Blaine County feels like another earth through downtown Los Santos or Vespucci Beach. It wasn’t until the first time I take off a jet from the capital with on the mountains I became cycling around a few hours or that the total range of it became obvious. It shoves the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 more than it has any fine near, and it looks incredible. The biggest spring in property as Grand Theft Auto IV is the character animation, but the world can be much more expansive, detailed, and crowded. The price we buy of which is rare framerate drops and texture pop-in, that i found became more prominent the longer I played, but certainly not significantly taken away through my personal feel. For like a colossal and variable world it is also remarkably bug-free – I met just three minor problems from the 35 hours I spent on the primary playthrough, none that affected everyone to go down a quest.

San Andreas’s extraordinary intelligence of house is heightened by the fact that so much of it isn’t on GTA Full Game the place. There’s so much taking which it is simple find things organically, rather than waste your own lifestyle following a mission marker. I when take a passenger jet from the airport for the hell of it, then parachuted onto the top of the tallest building in Los Santos. (I then accidentally jumped off the highest and reduction toward my death, forgetting to I’d currently employed the parachute, however I normally put that piece off.) Out driving in the country, I fell across a man to a phone rod with womens’ underwear. I tracked down criminals who randomly swipe purses on the lane, with went off across gunbattles between police and other miscreants, incident to give a feel that world isn’t completely uneventful if I wasn’t below to interrupt normalcy. I believed an exclusive mountain cycle with cycled around in the hills, enjoying the sight. These small moments can be got about your own telephone camera – which, brilliantly, can also use selfies. I have some shouts of Trevor completing his unhinged account of a laugh within his underpants on top of a hill.

The rumor to GTA V tells during their missions takes full advantage of all this kind beyond getting with killing (while the maneuver with direct is supremely enjoyable). It’s cause a lot of good times. This included us racing Michael’s lazy blob of a boy across Vespucci Beach in one of many misguided attempts on father-son bonding, utilizing a thermal scope to look for someone from a helicopter before chasing them along the city on the ground, torching a meth lab, towing cars for Franklin’s crack-addict uncle to thwart him through shed the profession, getting into a facility on the beach in a wetsuit and flippers, piloting a marine, impersonating a structure worker, doing yoga, escaping on plane skis, failing multiple generations to earth a jet burdened with drugs at a hangar shown from the wilderness… it goes by with by. The days of a repetitive collections of “get now, find this gentleman, shoot that guy” stay after us. Still missions that would usually be set are filled with novelty with excitement by the capability to compete them by a few different views – in a shootout, Trevor can be exciting RPGs from a rooftop what Jordan and Franklin flank the rival on the ground.

It is the heists – multi-stage, huge-scale experience that help as the story’s climactic peaks – which demonstrate Grand Theft Auto V at their most dedicated and obtained. Usually there’s a choice between a more involved, stealthier option that will (hopefully) attract less boil, along with a great all-out option that will be less tense yet more explosively chaotic – with what exactly crew to take along with you on the job. All of GTA V’s missions are replayable at any time, allowing you relive favourite seconds before look at out a different method. They also have optional objectives in the vein of Assassin’s Creed’s synchronisation challenges, but crucially, these are invisible once people play a quest, therefore they don’t distract a person from performing things your way.

Sometimes your way won’t are the means that this designers require you to do something, with although GTA 5 is usually very good at bending close to people as you do, here were a few situation wherever that wasn’t train for our personal name of chaos. Overtake a car you’re not meant to overtake and it may close in pad of travel as if with secret. Despite the opening of different stealth mechanics, enemies will miraculously make sure you when the mission dictates they should. Kill someone or you’re supposed to, and that’s sometimes Mission Failed. Most of the time the drafting is suitable to be invisible, but as it is not, you really discover this – if only because most of the time it’s so seamless.

As always, some of the wittiest record shows through to the in-game radio to shows behind all of the search and confusion. “There’s nothing other effective, more masculine, new American than a big lump of coins,” blasts one of the in-game ads. “We learn times are tough, but they don’t have to be tough for you. Still cause several liquidity in your home? Are you insane?” The tune selection is also typically excellent, leading to most of those serendipitous moments where you’re driving combined with the right music happens by. During a heist, when the radio isn’t blaring the background, a vibrant soundtrack seriously builds tension.

The satire is improved with integration of advanced life in the game world. Every individual turns around their smartphone – it’s used to trade stocks, call up friends to meet in place then launch emails. There’s a great Facebook spoof, Life Invader, on the in-game Interne, with the slogan “Where Your own Personal Data Becomes A Marketplace Page (Which We Can Go)”. You’ll hear adverts for preposterous parodic TV shows that you can actually watch with your TELEVISION at home, optionally whilst enjoying a toke. It might not be realistic, but it certainly feels authentic.

It’s significance mentioning that when this extends to sexual, drugs, with assault, GTA V pushes boundaries much more than at any time or. If the morality authorities were concerned with Hot Chocolate, there’s a lot here that will provoke moral hysteria. It’s deliciously subversive, and safely tongue in cheek... but after before twice, this shoves the borders of experience, too. There’s one instance scene, a personal world in which you have no alternative bar to help actively participate, i gotten so troubling that we took problems playing this; yet couched in obvious assessment in the US government’s choice to torture post 9/11, it’s a surprising moment that will attract justified controversy. It brings to mind Label of Function: Modern Warfare 2’s No Russian mission, except worse, and without the selection to omit over this. Another stuff, like the ever-present prostitution with extensive strip-club minigames, feels like it’s present even if this may be rather than as it gives anything to say.

There is nothing in San Andreas, though, that doesn’t serve Rockstar’s resolution with creating a exaggerated projection of The usa that’s suffused with crime, assault and sleaze. There are no nice gentlemen in GTA V. All you know is a sociopath, narcissist, criminal, lunatic, sadist, cheat, liar, layabout, or about combination of these. A good guy which gives good funds to help shoot Los Santos’ worst examples of corporate greed is playing the stock exchange to help the help whilst he does it. In the world like this, it’s not tough to escort why violence is often the first option. All the pieces fit.

Verdict

Grand Theft Auto V is not only a preposterously enjoyable video game, but also an intellectual and sharp-tongued satire of contemporary America. It signifies a elegance of the lot to GTA IV gotten to the record five years ago. It’s technically more accomplished in every conceivable system, yet it’s also tremendously committed into a right. No extra earth into record games comes near that now magnitude or scope, and there is strong brains behind the logic of humour and surprise for mayhem. This shows a compelling, unpredictable, and provocative story without actually letting this get in the way of your self-directed journey through San Andreas. It is one of the very best movie games yet produced. Write: That journal exclusively involves the single-player section of GTA 5 , since it launched without any multiplayer mode.

[thisdaynews]

Italian GP: 'You realise you are not invincible'

New Post has been published on https://thebiafrastar.com/italian-gp-you-realise-you-are-not-invincible/

Italian GP: 'You realise you are not invincible'

A minute’s silence was held before Sunday’s the race at Spa

Chequered Flag podcast: Italian Grand Prix preview Listen to the full interview with Daniel Ricciardo, plus a look ahead to the race at Mona, tonight at 21:00 BST on BBC Radio 5 Live. Click here.

Last Saturday, Daniel Ricciardo went through what might best be described as a long, dark night of the soul.

Following the death of Formula 2 driver Anthoine Hubert at the Belgian Grand Prix, the Renault driver went back to his hotel and questioned whether it was all worth it. The answer did not come easily, but in the end the Australian raced at Spa on Sunday.

Four days on, he sits down with BBC Sport at the start of the Italian Grand Prix weekend, and delves deep into what it takes for a racing driver to confront his fears and race on in such difficult circumstances.

“I certainly questioned it,” the 30-year-old Australian says. “The reality is, weirdly, I do love it too much. Racing did feel right in the end. Even though I didn’t really want to, once I did it, it was like, OK, this actually feels right and normal.”

For a long time over last weekend, though, it felt anything but normal.

“When you’re a kid and you see it on TV, and you’re not present or not part of it,” Ricciardo says, “it still seems like there is some form of distance, or a disconnection to what’s happened.

“But when you’re there and it happens to one of your colleagues, or it’s in the same race, it seems more real, and it’s like: ‘OK, this actually can happen to anyone, and it’s here, it’s present right now.’

“The realisation of us not being invincible does set in. I know my parents stress enough for me already – you know, watching me race and travel the world and being on a plane every few days. You just question it: is it really worth putting not only myself but family under the same amount of stress?”

Palmer column: Resilience wins day on tragic F1 weekend

Injured F2 driver Correa moved to intensive care in UK

Leclerc dedicates first F1 win to Hubert in Belgium

The aftermath of the accident

The night of the accident, Ricciardo says, he “didn’t get much sleep, and for sure you’re asking yourself questions, probably just fighting a little bit with some anger and some frustration of ‘why,’ you know?

“And then also fighting with a few of the emotions of should I actually get up and race tomorrow? Is it the right thing to do morally? Is it the right thing to do for me?

“And I kind of did also think: ‘Let’s see how I feel by lunchtime, and if I’m still having some doubts then maybe the safest thing for me is not to race.’

“I kind of wanted to play it by ear. Just running through all these scenarios: ‘What if I feel like this? What if that?’

“By Sunday morning, I had a bit more clarity. I did manage to sleep a little bit and wake up preparing myself for race day. But it still felt cold and weird. It didn’t feel right to be excited to race, just to be happy to be there. It felt like, tick off the minutes and get the job done.

“The lead-up to the race, I’d probably just describe it as not very fun in terms of just it was tough to try and go through the motions and go through a routine when that has happened less than 24 hours ago. And, you know, drivers’ parade and all that, you’re waving to fans, but you don’t feel right smiling or being happy, I guess.

“It was difficult, just trying to get into the zone, just trying to find any form of rhythm.

“Getting in the car on Sunday was not easy, but it was more of a sadness than a fear and I think it was important I established that. If I had been getting in the car with a pure level of fear, then it wouldn’t have been smart for me to race. I did understand that it was just a sadness.”

‘Just go as fast as possible’

“Once we kind of got going, it actually felt like pretty good release. It felt like a de-stress, just racing and competing. Just going at those speeds, it was like flushing out the system and that felt good.

“After the race, for sure I was still glad it was done but I did feel better than I did two hours before that.

“I’ll be honest, the race was fun. It was good to be out there. And as much as I was looking forward to seeing the chequered flag, I did enjoy a pure race on Sunday.”

The race, he says, acted as a form of catharsis.

“When something happens, you’ve just go to dive back into it, and that’s the best way of overcoming it. And I think that’s what the race was for us. I told myself little things as well: ‘Just go fast as soon as possible. Leave the pits and just go, and try to get into that mode already. Don’t tip-toe around. Don’t over-think certain places on the track.’

“I remember I got out of the pits, drifted out, and forced myself to get into that mindset straight away.”

Race winner Charles Leclerc and the rest of pack head through Eau Rouge and up to the swerves where Hubert’s crash began to unfold

This is a reference to his thoughts about going through Raidillon, where Hubert had his crash. It is part of the infamous Eau Rouge swerves, a left-hander over the brow of a hill taken flat out at more than 180mph.

“I told myself: ‘Go full throttle, and just don’t over-think this corner, don’t over-think any of it.’ Out of the pits… held it full. That was a relief but it felt good to get out there and do that. And that also told me that I was ready to go.

“I think if I was, big lift and scared, then that would be a sign that maybe I shouldn’t be on the track right now. I guess I wanted to do that to test myself and then it all felt right.”

Did he talk to the other drivers about it?

“I got to speak to a few. I only met Anthoine this year. The Renault Academy boys obviously spent a lot of time with him and I saw them Sunday morning. I spoke to a couple of them Saturday night as well, just over text.

“They had done training camps together. They’re a little family. They’re younger as well. That’s where I felt I could try and be a little bit of, in some ways, a father figure to them and comfort them. I was feeling it, but they were more so. We basically gave each other all a hug on Sunday morning. We tried to chat over it a little bit.

“And then with the other drivers, I spoke to a few of them, but before the race you could see everyone kind of wanted to be on their own.

“Waiting for the driver parade, we were all just standing there. There were a few handshakes or hugs but you could kind of tell everyone was just trying to prepare for the race and it was a tough one. After the race, I spoke to mainly the French drivers, who I knew were closest to Anthoine.”

The Bianchi factor

Ricciardo wears a tribute to Bianchi at the 2015 Hungarian Grand Prix

Hubert is not the first driver Ricciardo has known who has been killed. The last F1 driver to lose his life was the Frenchman Jules Bianchi, who suffered fatal head injuries in a crash at the 2014 Japanese Grand Prix. Ricciardo had come up through the ranks with Bianchi and they were close friends.

“Jules’ [death] hit me very hard,” Ricciardo says. “In a way, not disrespecting it, I was quite surprised how hard it hit me. I didn’t expect it to hit me so hard and for it to last so long – the sadness and the hurt from that extended over some period.

“With last weekend, you think time kind of cures everything, and it was like, OK, nothing’s happened for a while and with good reason. The sport’s got safer and we’re in a good place. And then it happens. And it’s a shock.

“It’s an anger that it has happened again. We thought we’d moved on from all this. It’s when it’s refreshed in your mind again and it’s there in front of you, it’s hard not to take it with difficulty.”

Has it changed his perspective on racing?

“Initially, it did change. Time does cure it. Those intense initial emotions did slowly fizzle out.

“With the Jules one, I felt like my purpose and intent after that was, ‘OK, if we are going to strap ourselves into these cars, and if we’re all aware of the risk, it doesn’t make sense to go in half-heartedly. If we’re going to do it, go all in, and make it worthwhile.’

“I felt like Jules’ passing kind of made me embrace the racer even more so. And to be honest this will probably end up having the same effect.

“I didn’t have that kind of fear in the race. And until that fear steps in, I’ll just use it as a form of motivation. However many years I do it, at least I can say I did it right.”

‘I surprised myself’

Ricciardo finished 14th at the Belgian Grand Prix on Sunday

It can be hard to comprehend how a racing driver can compartmentalise their fears in this way, or the uniqueness of the sort of character required to do a job that they know can kill them, but to go ahead and do it anyway because they love it so much that they can’t stop.

Can Ricciardo explain what makes F1 drivers able to live with that contradiction?

He pauses for a few seconds.

“Actually I get goosebumps,” he says, “because I don’t actually know why or how.

“On Saturday night, I felt in no place to drive a race car on the same track the next day. But then even getting out of the pits and going through Raidillon and all that, it was weird how normal and natural it felt. And I can’t explain that.

“It’s probably just when you have a deep passion and love for something, that’s the result. To be honest, I surprised myself. And we probably all did on Sunday.

“I didn’t expect to enjoy any part of the race, no matter where I finished. But I did enjoy being back out there, and that rush of racing. Yes, it was still in your mind, of course. But how we’re able to put it to one side for a moment, I can’t explain why or how. It does surprise me.”

The approach to mortality

Ricciardo is known for his gung-ho style, and his attacking victories, often made possible by on-the-edge overtaking moves in which he throws the car down the inside of an opponent from an impossible distance back. How does he rationalise the risks, carry on knowing that an injury is always a possibility?

“You’ve got to always control the controllables,” he says. “In my case, I guess never get reckless.

“After the race or at times you may see me give a driver the finger or show my kind of anger. But I’ve always tried to teach myself to not let the emotion take over the driver in the race and get reckless, basically.

“Yes, I’ve tried some late overtakes in my time and I’ve done some moves that might seem risky, but there’s always a level of control and calculation in that and it’s never done purely on emotion.

“So I’ll not let myself get reckless or put myself in a position I don’t need to be in. Yes, I want to take risks and be on that fine line. But be sensible enough not to over-step it and I think I am able to do that.

“From that point of view, I am comfortable hopping in the car. There’s obviously the thing of failures and technical stuff that can go wrong. That’s an uncontrollable from my side. Can’t really think about those actually. And even if you know they’re there and present at times, once you put the helmet on and get going, you don’t think about it.

“It’s one of those things that if it happens in the wrong place or the wrong corner, then what do you do? You’ve got to put that rationale in your head that it could have happened on the way to the circuit, it could have happened on the road.”

It’s rare for racing drivers to discuss danger and the risk of death so openly.

Safety is discussed every weekend in F1, but it’s normally on an abstract level – what can we do about this gravel trap, or that barrier?

Hubert’s death has brought it front and centre. Is it hard is it to talk about it?

“Of course it is tough to address something that’s real and has happened,” Ricciardo says, “but it does help to talk about it. Having the comfort of everyone else last weekend and being on the grid together, and talking to some of the other drivers… yeah, it’s not fun talking about it, but it also helps relieve any feelings or emotions.

“I think just knowing that you’re in the same boat with someone else, knowing that you’re not alone feeling the way you do, that helps.

“So being part of a group or a community. That was where you realise, there are rivalries or whatever, but a rivalry on track doesn’t express how much we all have in common and how much we do actually care and feel for each other.

“It’s tough but it does feel nice to get some of it off your chest.”

Read More

[poserpoltergeist]

On Mungo

So I'd mentioned something about listening to Kane Strang's most recent album, Two Hearts and No Brain, to get a general feel for Mungo's character. I made a general "timeline" of big events correlating to the songs/an order to listen to the songs in!!! If you want to. Oh So You're Off I See - Imogen's, Mungo's mother, failing/failed love life. The introduction of several to a dozen different mothers and fathers who all end up leaving. Lagoons - The introduction of Nynette, who he affectionately deems Nyn later on. He's around seven years old when her family moves in next door. He's introduced to her by his older brother, who's about nine or ten years old and the "man of the house." Nyn and Mungo are practically inseparable from that point on, she's an only child in he's a part of an ever growing family. She's intriguing to him, and he's intriguing to her. Summertime in Your Lounge - His general relationship with Nyn. He goes to her house/hangs out with her all he time to escape home. Home is stressful, he's a billion of younger siblings, a young mother who's just trying her best for her kids, and he's less and less of a priority as he grows older/independent. Their relationship flourishes. It's a childhood sweetheart sort of deal. They love each other in a very innocent and magical sort of way. They're exactly what the latter needs. See Thru - Nyn ends up having to leave when they're thirteen, about to hit seventh or eighth grade. She doesn't tell him she's moving until the day she's actually moving, mainly because she couldn't bring herself to talk about it. He doesn't understand, doesn't know how to take it. He lashes out and it leaves the both of them crying and with no proper goodbyes. He ends up disappearing for the day and Imogen calls him in missing. Everyone's looking for him. He shows up the next day and acts as if nothing's happened. He starts disconnecting from everyone and nurturing a very unhealthy mentality that everyone's going to leave him so he ought not try. Not Quite - Is his general relationship with high school. He's not necessarily okay but he's okay enough. It's a constant limbo of on the verge of okay and absolutely shitty. He doesn't admit it, but he's worsening and worsening every day. It's not hard to notice, but he doesn't accept help. He's trying to convince himself that he's fine, everything's fine. My Smile Is Extinct - His longing for some stability leads him to falling for a couple people in his freshman-junior year. He yearns for another Nyn and lets himself fall head over heels for a couple different classmates. He thinks he's found a soulmate every time, but they all end up breaking off at some point. This further nurtures the mentality that he's managed to push to the back walls of his mind that everyone's bound to up and leave him. Silence Overgrown - Is his senior-early twenties. During high school he'd been on and off trying and experimenting with certain things. The end of his senior year and early twenties let him plunge into them. He's given up at this point and is allowing himself to fall into addiction, mostly drinking and sex. Don't Follow Me (I'm Lost) - Is another aspect of his twenties. It's his general mental state. He feels like he's in a constant state of numb and stumbling and just existing. It's his disconnecting from family and friends and himself. It's his leeching off his sexual partners for a roof to stay under. It's his dependancy on alcohol to make him feel somehow stable. It's his knowing he's making bad decisions. It's his not doing anything to mend that. Two Hearts and No Brain - Is further down into his later twenties. It's his deteriorating life and his idea that no one's there for him. It's his disillusionment with what's happened and him refusing to take even the slightest attempt at grasping himself as he loses himself. Good Guy - An intervention by Nyn and his older brother. His older brother gets ahold of Nyn, who's been working to try and come back to the area Mungo's family lives. After a failed attempt at trying to bring Mungo to his senses, Nyn intervenes. Mungo's not even sure if she's real when she comes to talk to him. It's surreal and confusing and he kicks her out before she can finish talking and chews on her words for a couple of months. It's Not That Bad - After those couple months, what snaps him back to reality is a severe case of alcohol poisoning he goes through. No one was there to take care of him and he was bedridden by himself for a good week or more. It scares him to death and he decides that getting help is his only option. He goes to a rehab centre with the support of his older brother and comes out clean. He goes to AA meetings for a while, but drops them after his 90 days of sobriety mark. By now he's in his thirties and starts looking to stabilise his life further.

[characteroulette]

Vektor, EVERY NUMBER

trash prince. it’s gonna be a long one.

1. What is your OC’sfavorite color?

  > Vektor is fondof gold, golden browns, and khaki or really ugly yellows.

2. Does your OC collectanything? What do they collect?

  > Not.. really??If anything, he collects interesting bits of code he sees and storesit all in his backup modem space. Like a nerd.

3. What kind of thingsis your OC allergic to?

  > He’s allergic tosuccess–no, haha, he has no known allergies currently.

4. What kind ofclothing does your OC wear?

  > Suits! He likesrefined, rich-styled clothes, mostly suits and button-ups and a tieor two here and there, but he hates shoes so he runs everywhere withbare feet like a heathen.

5. What is your OC’sfirst memory?

  > Hisgrandfather’s battle with a Mainframe enemy and his parents’ bodiesdisappearing into the code. (Always gotta have dead or estrangedparents I swear)

6. What’s your OC’sfavorite animal? Least favorite?

  > He thinks bearsare pretty neat and he’s not really a fan of vampire bats.

7. What element wouldyour OC be?

   > Computer.……nah probably metal or light, he’s got a nice glow to him withhis creation magic and all.

8. What is your OC’stheme song?

  > He finds comfort in thesound and the shape of the heart, how it echoes through the chestfrom under the ground. And as the hills turn into holes, he’ll fillthem with gold..

9. Do you have afaceclaim / voiceclaim for your OC?

  > NOPE I’m notreally good at those kinds of things. I always use my own voiceswhenever writing them (and reading their dialogue out loud to myself)and therefore have a hard time separating the tone/inflection/accentI give them and that makes looking for voices for them REALLY HARD.

10. What deadly sinwould best represent your OC?

  > Probably Pride?His carelessness and disregard for others’ feelings tends to be forprideful reasons..

11. What are your OC’shobbies?

  > Getting annoyedwith Dante and wandering around reality in WONDER with a perpetualtourist expression. Also chasing after Vektoria.

12. How patient is yourOC? How hot-headed are they?

  > Not all thatpatient, actually! He gets antsy very easily and likes to pace ifthings are taking too long, as well as getting aggravated at othersaround him if matters are not progressing quickly enough. Hisimmaturity holds him back from being a good King candidate…

13. What is your OC’sgender / sexuality / race / species / etc.?

  > Vektor is codedMale, with no clear sexuality, mostly looks Israeli, and is acomputer being!

14. What foods doesyour OC like to eat? What are their least favorite foods?

  > Vektor likes allfoods, whether or not they taste good, haha. He’s dumb and likes todrench his foods with different condiments to watch how the codingchange, with no regard as to how much food he ruins Vektor why do youact like such a rich kid don’t waste food

15. If your OC couldhave any pet, what would they choose? Why?

  > Vektor’s perfectpet fit would probably be a puppy, as they’d both be so excited andtire each other out. However, I can definitely also see him gettingalong well with ferrets.

16. What does your OCsmell like?

  > He smells alittle like the school labs and a little like a certain cologne nearconstantly, despite never using cologne or being seen in the labshimself….

  (I know nothing aboutsmells tbh don’t mind me)

17. How do they make aliving? What kind of job do they want / not want? What is their dreamjob? What do they think of their current job?

  > These are allgood questions that I’ll think about later after Vektor is out ofschool

18. What are your OC’sgreatest fears? Weaknesses? Strengths?

  > Vektor’sgreatest fear is that he’ll fail his people and that they’ll alwaysconsider him a failure. His weakness is his impatience with otherpeople’s faults, while his strength is his pure belief in the best ofothers.

19. What kind of musicdo they listen to? Do they have a favorite song?

  > Vektor’s beenenraptured by every piece of music he’s heard out here in reality andwhile his favourite sounds tend to be techno or electronica (or videogame), he loves it all.

20. If they came fromtheir world to ours (if not already in our’s) how would they react?What would they do?

  > Vektor is theliving embodiment of this question holy shit hahaha

  He’s a perpetualtourist expression, wowed by everything he sees and impressed by eventhe littlest of wonders. His favourite thing to do is wander theschool campus at nights and just look at the scenery and he continuesthis even after his sleeping schedule stabilizes.

21. What personalproblems/issues do they have? Pet peeves?

  > Despiteeverything being so amazing and wonderful out here in reality, he’snot sure why he gets so frequently told not to use his powers.Surely, the others remember being able to utilise their powersoutside of the game? Also he’s struggling with the fact that hefucked up and projects pretty hard onto the others, especially Dante.Also he gets to go through an existential crisis YEAH

  His pet peeve woulddefinitely be someone having the power to circumvent issues, but notmaking use of that power.

22. What kind ofstudent were they/would they be in high school?

  > Vektor’s apretty grade-A student, mainly because he’s kinda a computer.

23. What is a randomfact about your OC?

  > In his currentform, Vektor is at a disconnect with his emotions, which is why hetends to slip into a more robotic tone and expression (kinda like hedisassociates due to being unable to tap into his emotions properly?)

24. What is theiroutlook on life? What is their philosophy / what do they think ingeneral about living?

  > Vektor’s prettypositive about life, believing that any sour situation can be rightedwith the correct steps and a fervent belief! If only that weretrue….

25. What inspired youto create them / how did you create them? Were they originally afancharacter? What was their personality / design like when you firstmade them?

  > YO OKAY so allof my Game Kids were supposed to be Code: Lyoko OCs, BUT HERE’S THESCOOP ON VEKTOR SPECIFICALLY:

  Vektor was meant tobe more sarcastic and deadpan, like my OC KS, but as I wrote him hejust turned into his excited tourist expression child haha. I wantedto create an Aelita-like character who held the keys to unlocking thedifferent areas in the game, and some of that has stuck (Vektor is aKey and has unlocking powers), but then there was also supposed to bethis huge thing about Day/Night shifts and a huge emphasis on notgoing against the stream which got phased out because it was toocomplicated.

26. Who is the mostimportant person in their life? Why? Who is the least important tothem (that still has an impact and why?

  > Dante isprobably the most important person in his life, for spoiler reasons.Both Jonathan and Frank are very important to Vektor as well, and Vektor has to admit that Vektoria is also kinda important.

27. What kind ofchildhood did your character have?

  > Vektor lived asheltered childhood in a rich setting and never wanted for anything(besides being able to go bare footed). He loved walking around thetown with his people and enjoyed the lessons his grandfather gavehim. The scariest thing really was learning all the different enemiesthat existed in the Mainframe and training his abilities in order tocombat them should they ever get loose again.

28. What kind ofnervous habits do they have? Do they stim? Do they have any kinds ofaddictions?

  > Vektor paces alot. It kinda drives Sonya a little crazy. Which is why Vektor tookto walking around the school after hours.

29. If they couldchoose their epitaph for their grave, what would they choose?

  > Uh. Vektor’s waytoo pompous to believe he’d die, ever. But after certain events, he’dprobably just want it to be his full name and title: Vektor Ketziah,Crown Prince of the Mainframe Kingdom.

30. Do they want to getmarried? Why or why not? Would they ever want kids? Do they havekids? Why?

  > Vektor has neverthought about relationships, much less marriage. (In the future,maybe, but first he has to solve the issues going on in his Kingdom.)

31. What is their mosttraumatic memory/experience? What is their favorite memory?

  > Probably thestory of his parents’ deaths that his grandfather told him is the most traumatic thing he can remember. Hisfavourite memory becomes the group hug with Dante and them, whoaccepted him and forgave him for his incomplete nature.

32. If they could haveone thing in the world, what would it be?

  > His people’seternal happiness.

33. Would they everkill someone? What would someone have to do to push them to killsomeone? If they would kill someone, why?

  > Even if Vektortried to kill Vektoria, I’m not sure his coding is capable ofdeletion at all. He could defeat her in the game, but that wouldn’tkill her…

34. What social groupsand activities does your character attend? What role do they like toplay? What role do they actually play, usually?

  > Vektor wanted toattend EVERY school event, causing a lot of scheduling hell for Paigeand Abraham (and total disaster as Petel couldn’t attend some of theevents due to band stuff and therefore no one was able to keep Danteor Vektor in check at times), but Vektor is eternally the tourist. Hehas to see the sights and try every stall and see everything! He’sgood in a debate, but he’s also kinda the worst customer at timesbecause of his tendency to list math equations explaining certainthings.

35. How is yourcharacter’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of thetime? Living in memories?

  > Vektor livesmostly in the present, as he’s not that great at daydreaming.Something in his processing is broken there. He has flashes ofmemories from when he was growing up in the Kingdom, but they’re notvery strong and as such he can’t get caught in them. Vektor is waytoo confident to be worried most of the time, at least.

36. What does yourcharacter want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively?What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?

  > The thing Vektorwants most in his life is to take back his throne in the MainframeKingdom and heal the wrongs that Vektoria caused. Compulsively,Vektor needs to put others down to forget about the fact that hefucked up. To obtain his people’s trust once more, Vektor is willingto sacrifice himself to make things right once more.

37. What’s somethingthat your character does, that other people don’t normally do?

  > Vektorcalculates the formulas for how things work. I’m pretty sure not verymany people do that.

38. What would yourcharacter do with a million dollars?

  > Vektor has noconcept of monetary worth! (He’s a hopeless dork who would ask thecrew what he should do with the money and Paige would proceed to leadVektor through a very complicated series of steps that would end withthe crew suddenly owning some very illegal hacking tools)

39. What is in yourcharacters refrigerator right now? On their bedroom floor?Nightstand? Garbage can?

  > On top ofVektor’s desk in the dorms is his school books and notebook. Hisgarbage can is always clean it’s sorta terrifying to Sonya. Andmostly on the floor of their room is Sonya’s music sheets ofunfinished pieces he and Petel have been working on. (Vektor ownssurprisingly little in reality)

40. Your character isgetting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do theywear? Who will they be with?

  > Vektor’s off towander the campus in the dead of the night because he’s all readyfulfilled his sleep requirement! He just wears his regular suit,nothing fancy for those late night rendezvous with that lab nightowl….

41. What does yourcharacter do when they’re angry? Why?

  > Vektor shoutshaha. He gets mean when he’s really angry, most of the time you seehim he’s just irritated.

42. Does your characterhave any scars? Where did they get them from?

  > Vektor does nothave scars at the moment! Not sure if he ever will.

43. What was the mostoffensive thing your character had ever said?

  > Good question.

44. How does yourcharacter react to / accept criticism?

  > Vektor doesn’tdo well with criticism in the beginning because he’s so goddamnheadstrong and he’s right, you’re wrong. Royalty always has to beright, after all! As time goes on, though, he does start taking astep back to analyse his actions when told he’s doing somethingwrong. He starts to accept his faults rather than outright reject them.

45. If your characterwas given a slice of pineapple pizza and they HAD to eat it (orsomething bad would happen), how would they react? Do they even LIKEpineapple pizza?

  > Vektor’s neverexperienced it before, so he’d be open to try it. Not sure if he’dlike it, but Vektor likes weird shit so he probably would find itinteresting even if he didn’t like it. (Good luck finding somethingthat trash prince doesn’t like, though. He likes onion ringssmothered in mustard.)

46. Your character isgiven a voodoo doll of themself. What do they do with it? Do they seeif it actually works?

  > Vektor wouldtake it to Frank or Jonathan, convinced one of them would know whatit is (or know who made such an interesting code that was attemptingto ensnare Vektor’s health values). In the end, Dante’s the one whofigures out how to de-link the doll from Vektor’s health safely.

47. Can your characterdraw? What do they like to draw? Do they doodle?

  > Vektor’s neverthought about drawing or doodling, but he’s a mixture of disgustedand fascinated by all of Dante’s drawings.

48. What were theirparents like? How has that affected how they are as an adult?

  > Vektor wasraised by his grandfather, as far as he can remember, so thatdefinitely shows through in Vektor’s antiquated manner of speech andmannerisms. Vektor is still a child, so he’s plenty flawed and moreof a mess, but that vindictive streak and callous disregard for humanfeelings definitely comes from his creators.

49. Does your characterlike candy? Do they get sugar rushes? What are they like when theyget a rush?

  > Vektor does likecandy, even if he thinks they’re a bit boring. He understands thatsugars attribute to energy gain, but has never experienced a sugarrush (and probably never will, his body processes that stuff fardifferently than a normal human’s would).

50. If your characterwas presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how wouldthey react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try tomake their last days count?

  > Vektor acceptshis death graciously, trying not to let on to any of his friends thathe’s going to die. After all, sacrificing himself to save someonewould cause a stir, but would be a much better use of his life thanthe current inevitable failure he’s destined for, right?

[artofchoking]

March 2019 Reflection

I went through a terrible few months of being completely mind-warped, fighting against a lot of chaos, and at times feeling like I am straight-out losing my mind. I tend to hold every single emotion in when this happens, thank God, so I now continuously remind myself that the people who did notice were affected VERY minimally... because I feel so bad about it sometimes, about who might be negatively affected by me, but the ones I love have no idea of the depth of what lashes around inside of me, and hence are mostly safe. I shut down and am simply unavailable in the ways that I want to be available towards the ones I love. I also have noticed that some people start treading lightly around me while I am in one of my moods, just because I produce such an offsetting atmosphere, and GOD I want to shoot myself in the head when I notice this happening, because it’s never about them, I just want them to feel like they are remarkable and beautiful but at the same time I can’t stand being WITH people when I am having these moments, to the point where I have hot flashes and my skin feels like it’s crawling, because I just want to be alone so I can stop blocking all the waves. I locked myself in bathrooms a lot during the last few months to cry  because I wasn’t able to be alone and I want to love them so hard, and be there for all of them, and support them and love them some more, but I am literally unable to without fully devaluing myself, and it makes me so goddamn sad. And then the waves of guilt come when I think about all the things I could have done, the ways I could have shown love, and failed to, and ahhhhh. It’s a never-ending cycle of shame and not being able to install boundaries. I wish people were more naturally valuing of the boundaries of others, so that I didn’t have to feel drained, so so so drained, but they're not and in truth it is MY lesson to uphold. It’s so hard for me. I would literally keel over and die for any of them if it was required, in a heartbeat, without thinking about it, and that is actually NOT a good thing. 

"Few months" = What I think is actually happening is the fact that I am now becoming conscious of my emotional fluctuations, whereas before I was completely numbed over to all of them and uncaring, steering desperately on the side road called Pretending Everything is Okay. I am redeveloping emotional avenues like never before, diving and diving and diving deeper still, and forever more concerned with how I impact those around me and how I can improve myself in order to improve that impact. I always considered myself to be an individual with a decent “depth” to them, even when young, but looking back now... my goodness. No. Two years ago, even, TWO YEARS AGO, I was such a dumbwit! I look back at myself two years ago and am aghast at the illusions I was living with, the same illusions I see within me today, the ones I still buy into for feeble attempts at covering my craters, to feel some trickle of love. 

This month, March 2019, I realized just how much I need to work on making small connections with other people. I tend to ignore... everyone. I'm polite, I say what I'm supposed to say, I hand out smiles like you wouldn't believe, I bat my eyelashes and flip my hair, yada yada, but only when it's required of me... for my job, mainly. Once I do my little routine I go right back to ignoring them, I try to not even LOOK at people if I don't have to... and guess what? That's boring. That's not conducive to growth, mine or theirs. There's this one dude I talked to and his response to my "How are you?" was "I'm evolving." I loved that so much. I'm starting to try to make these tiny connections, whether it's asking a simple question of "What are you up to?" or stating that it's "ALOHA FRIDAY," whatever the case may be, just getting in short 30-second conversations is so much more uplifting for the general population and myself. And guess what? Not one person so far has bit me for asking them How They Were. I have these crazy fear inside of me when it comes to people. Human connection. I love humans, in theory, from a distance when observing and feeling. But in actual reality? I have stayed away from connection like no one else I know. The only friends I have are essentially people who have adopted me by continuously pestering me to hang out with them, I never... ever... initiate plans, I mostly don't want to because I love hanging out with myself and studying, but BABY STEPS... we are working on basic conversation openers for the month of April. 

I also need to work on disconnecting from people when I do start conversations... because once I DO ask them "How They Are," once I open that pathway, they never stop talking! And hey, if we are just chilling then cool, talk your heart out baby I want to hear it, but when I am in the middle of working and you're telling me all about your grandmother's death last Friday... I just can't provide that floor for you. I think this may also be WHY I avoid people altogether... it seems to be so "all or nothing" with me. I have so much trouble with light-hearted shit.

With that being said, I have 100+ more things to work on in April, but I'm not getting into any of that. I want to end on a positive note. I'm pretty proud of the way I'm physically shaping myself. My body is developing more and more into an arena of my liking. The place I moved into has a mini weight-gym, I'm really excited to continue to progress with my body in April. It's been weird looking into the mirror and being proud of my progress. I completely broke down about two weeks ago, crying incredibly HAPPY tears, as ridiculous as that sounds, because of how proud I was of myself. For the first time in my life, I allowed myself to feel proud of myself. And I FELT it. I FEEEEELT it. I started hysterically laughing when I felt that joy rising within me. And then... I started laughing and crying at the same time! And then I was just full-out crying. I have a massive body history and, my god, I'm just so dang PROUD. Like, I did that! I did all of it. I view my body as an physical emotionally representation, if that makes sense, and ah. It feels good. It feels good to feel. Post laughing/crying proud fest I completed my first TRE self-session and shook for like an hour straight, letting out strange, strange, straaaange noises and incredibly weird cries (ones I have never heard emitted from a human mouth before) and it was great. I'm just really happy with this sphere. 

P.S. I love you

xo