#i think hes def gotten better at that as the albums have gone on as well

[didhewinkback]

i know pitchfork is pitchfork and im far from praising them but i always really liked how their review of harrys first album, especially how it ends

[i-dont-want-your-hysteria]

Thru the Window- Joe x Reader

(prompt: you're living in the Netherlands with the Def Leppard crowd while they're recording Hysteria. You're Joe's girlfriend, but you're both trying to keep your relationship a secret)

Inspired by the song "Thru the Window" by REO Speedwagon (a song about this ever so classic and adorable trope. I also tried to use as many of these lyrics as possible :3D)

------

(June 1986)

Joe's eyes shifted over to the clock on his nightstand yet again after another five seconds had passed. He just couldn't help himself. It was 11:22, and 11:35 couldn't possibly come soon enough. A warm breeze blew through his open window, hitting the bottoms of his feet as he lay flat on his back. There was adrenaline pulsing through him so ardently that he tried to will it away, but it was no use. He was too excited, and he had to wait at least another ten minutes or so before he could act on it.

His eagerness had certainly slowed down time itself tonight, and it had definitely gotten the better of him in multiple ways.

For one thing, his leg wouldn't stop bouncing. For another thing, he'd gotten changed far too early, and was laying on his bed in his date clothes. His "date clothes" (being a rather unflattering combination of a Cheap Trick t-shirt tucked into some sweatpants) weren't meant to be anything to look at, but he wanted to be as casual as possible. The goal was to be unrecognizable (as much as you could be at this time of night), but pleasing. 

Either way, Joe knew you wouldn't mind it. To him, these 'dates' you two had weren't done for the looks. You saw each other enough that you didn't give a shit about proper attire.

Joe's hands were neatly and formally folded on his stomach as he stared up at the dark ceiling of his hotel room. With nothing to distract him, his mind was on the verge of running mad. There were so many things he could've been thinking about as he waited, such as the tremendous progress that had been made in recording the new album, whether or not the jukebox at the pub got fixed yet, or what he'd have for breakfast the next morning.

What he actually chose to think of was "Why did I turn off the light, again?"

Some answers were quite simple.

"Oh yeah. Cos' to everyone else I'm 'asleep' right now."

The light being off was just a small but vital detail to the plan you two had for the night.

Once his own question was answered, his mind moved onto the next topic: another five seconds had passed. Joe turned his head to look at the clock again. 11:23. Great.

His head angled back upwards, seeing the imaginary dots and waves of colors appear before his eyes in the dark. His leg still bounced, his hands began to weave together, and he closed his eyes to hum the first tune that came to mind. It was necessary to drown out the sound of the ticking clock in his head.

Joe inhaled slowly, and held the breath for a quick instant. Just ten more minutes, he told himself. Ten more minutes, and then he could go. Ten more minutes. Ten. Two sets of five. Five sets of two. Just ten more-

"Fuck it," he lowly said as he sat up and put on his shoes. 

Oh well. These dates weren't about being on time, either. 'On time' was late, after all. He wanted to decide when the time had come.

After slipping on his shoes, double checking that he had his wallet, and triple checking that his door was locked, Joe pushed open the window sash to create a more ideal opening to slip through. Into the darkness he went, out onto the fire escape, then he descended to the ground below. He began on the second floor, so each step lower was done with the utmost caution. 

When he reached the next level, his heart jumped upon seeing the light still on in Malvin's room. Flattening himself next to the window, Joe carefully climbed over the railing of the fire escape and lowered himself down until it was safe enough to let go. 

His feet met the ground, making a firm landing. He looked back up at the lit window and grinned under the open summer sky. He'd slipped away like a thief in the night.

Joe's legs began to move, trotting to the other side of the hotel (the side by the lake), and feeling the warm breeze rushing by his face. He couldn't help but smile; all his pent-up adrenaline was finally being put to use. 

 As always, he made sure to race for the shadows of the building to make a trail no one could follow. He was always beyond careful, making sure nobody would ever see or hear his driven intentions. It was better that no one knew. It was more fun that way for both of you.

Your silhouette became clear to him once he reached the other side, your window now visible on high. Joe slowed his run until he was a few yards from the base of the hotel. His head angled up to your room, taking note of the dim light from within. You weren't facing the window, but Joe knew you were waiting for him on this summer night. 

He could've sworn he sensed your excitement, too; he could practically hear your heartbeat. It may have been his own heightened sparks of joy pounding in his ears- as he knew he was unarguably early. Still, date night was date night, and the singer was eager to kick things off. There was no time to lose. It was time to announce his arrival.

After reaching down into the grass and locating a small stone, Joe found a trajectory from where he stood, and flung his attention getter up at your window.

***

Your eyes shifted over to the clock on your nightstand once another five minutes had passed. It was 11:27, and 11:35 was just around the corner. Smiling, you turned back to your mirror and leaned forward, finishing up the last bit of your makeup. A warm breeze blew through your open window, lifting thin strands of your hair up to slightly flutter in front of your eyes. 

It was true that you didn't need to dress up in any way, but your excitement had gotten the better of you. The plans for the night urged you to be dolled up at least a little bit. Who cared if it was going on midnight? You were still going out on a date, and you were still going to be in public. Some jeans and a crop top were just right for the occasion- with it being a warm and breezy night. The outfit was casual enough for the pub that you and Joe called your own, but flattering enough that you knew Joe would love it.

You drew back from the vanity and admired your appearance. Tonight would be great without a doubt. All there was left to do was wait for the man of the hour. Maybe you'd wait at the window and-

The sound of something landing behind you grabbed your attention. You turned and looked to the floor, spotting a small stone. Your eyes squinted from confusion, but your mouth angled into a smile.

To the window you went, and you gazed outside, seeing Joe down on the lawn below.

"Really?" you gently scoffed at him.

He looked a bit embarrassed, "Sorry! I didn't see it was open 'til it was too late..."

You chuckled and shook your head, turning back to stuff your wallet into your pocket and to switch off your lamp. With your room now dark, and your door locked, you slipped away through your own window, and made your way down your own fire escape.

Joe held out his hand once you were within reach, and led you down the remaining stairs.

You told him, "You're early."

He immediately retaliated, "You're lucky."

"How?"

"You don't have any acquaintances living below you," he tilted his head sweetly, "When I climbed down just now, Malvin was still awake. He could've caught me, you know..."

You rubbed your thumb over his hand and scoffed, "I doubt that- you're too sneaky."

"Could say the same about you, you know," he teased back, placing his other hand on your waist and moving in closer.

"That's why we're a good fit," you declared before moving your hand to the back of his head and kissing him. Another breeze blew around you both as he locked you in the embrace.

When it was broken, he quickly stepped back and pulled on your arm, urging you to come along jokingly, "Now quick, before anyone sees-"

He dragged you forward, adding, "I've got a good feeling the jukebox is gonna be fixed tonight!"

You laughed as you began to run next to him, both of you now running freely through the night in the open street. The energy between both of you was high, making it a thrill to be alive in that moment. Such high emotion was bound to make the date night better than it'd ever been, taking you both where you'd never been before.

 Yes, you could have taken one of your cars, but then there would've suddenly been a higher chance of someone seeing that at least one of you was gone. It was just another minute detail to ensure the safety of your plan. Even the pub you and Joe normally went to was one that the others probably didn't even know existed. 

The route to get there was a simple one; you always liked to say that it was "over the bridge, five blocks east, and down a dirt road that is barely a street". You were both still running when you ran over the bridge, eager to get to your relationship's safe haven. It was only when you reached said bridge that you slowed to a normal walk. 

You hugged Joe's arm, laughing and panting as you crept around the neighborhood "It's such a perfect night- I'm so glad we planned a date tonight."

"Yeah, couldnt've asked for anything better," he grinned up at the stars, "We made an easy getaway, too."

"Not often we get nights like these. Remember the night you were in my room and Phil almost came in?"

Joe cackled up at the sky, recalling, "Ah- yeah, can never forget that one. We barely got away with that one. How did he not hear me talking?"

"I have no idea, but I've never hidden someone that fast in my life- let alone someone as big or as naked as you were."

"Oi!" he whined, "You want a date or not?"

You giggled and rested your head against his arm, "I'll behave, I swear."

"Good, cos' the fun hasn't even started yet," he warned, tenderly putting his other hand on your arm. In a few minutes, the dirt road was in sight, looking like a familiar and secret setting of a dream. At the end of the street, the glowing lights of the secluded pub were now visible.

"I'll race you," you smirked before bolting away from Joe and down the street.

Instantly, he bolted after you, "Hey!"

He caught up quickly (his long legs being an advantage), and stopped you by gripping the back of your shirt. He did his best to take you in his arms, but tripped in the process, sending you both down to the dirt at an angle. You both hit the ground laughing, rolling onto your backs and cackling up to the summer stars.

"Sorry-" Joe huffed. You both paused for a second or two, then he rolled over to quickly straddle and pin you to the ground. 

"What are you doing?" you laughed at him, as if you didn't already know. He stroked your hair back with a loving smile, leaning down and softly kissing you. He was tender for only that second before kissing his way down to your neck, making you squirm underneath him.

"Ah- Joe!" you squealed, your face flushing up, "Cut it out! We're outside-!"

"Oi!" a different voice sounded off not so far away. You both turned your heads to see the owner of the pub standing out on the front porch, sending a parental scowl at the pair of you.

"Adrian- he's mad, I tell you!" you adopted a fake tone of helplessness.

"She started it," Joe blamed with a smirk.

"You two again, huh?" Adrian scolded you, "I'll be having no filthy business at the porch of my pub, you hear? Save it for the pool room."

"Yes, dad," Joe whined, shooting a cranky scowl down at you, rolling off and helping you up. You hit him on the arm playfully, him flinching at first, then putting his arm back around you. You both faced Adrian and began to walk up to the porch.

"I haven't seen the pair of you for almost 2 weeks, what's happened with ya?" he asked.

You answered, "Ah, studio troubles."

"And you're still keepin' this a secret, I take it?"

"It's the way we like it! It's more fun that way," Joe told him, " 'Our little secret' keeps the adrenaline going. Is the jukebox working again?"

"Been working since last week," Adrian's eyes followed you both as you edged closer, "Got 6 new singles on it now."

Joe's eyes lit up, "Oh, brilliant, which ones?"

"Ah, I can't remember, you'll see them soon anyway."

You got to the porch, Adrian holding the door open for both of you. With your date a threshold away, you stopped and asked him quietly with an air of implication, "Oh, also... when will the pool room be open?"

You looked at Joe with a devious smile. He returned it to you, beaming with similar energy.

"I can have everyone out of there by midnight if that's what you want, darling," Adrian gave a single nod, a glint of understanding in his eyes.

"No need to rush it, mate," Joe clapped a hand on his shoulder, "Take your time. We've got all night, after all."

"Well I've only got until 2:30," he warned, "So I'll let you kids know as soon as I can."

"You're the best," you leaned up and kissed Adrian's cheek, "Thanks for everything, as always."

"Don't mention it, love. You two be careful, now."

Both you and Joe droned as you walked inside, "We know."

With that, you both disappeared into the warmly lit building, feeling the summer heat as well as the heat of each other. It was always a dream come true with Joe no matter what; a dream with no one else to flaunt it at except each other, and it was more than enough. 

Your own little secret world was just between the two of you, and that was the way you liked it best. That was all either of you really needed, anyway; each other.

The end

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Moth Work Intro + False Idol | Writing Update

Hey People of Earth! 

Today I thought I’d do a writing update on a project I’ve mentioned a lot in my vlogs but haven’t mentioned as of yet on here! This is a personal ‘passion project’ that I’ve been picking away at since January and have recently taken on as my transition project from Rewired to my next book.

So yee! MOTH WORK (or ‘boys on a boat’ for those who keep up with the vlogs lols) has been my current project for the last few weeks since finishing REWIRED. I didn’t really mean to expand it as much as I have as it simply started off as a spinoff story of my boys Lonan and Harrison which I write every few months when I’m having a breakdown and need something to cheer me up. :-)

I’ve mentioned a few of these stories in the past (like Fishbowl and Mandarin), though this story is a bit different, as I’ve expanded it quite a lot more than I intended to! If you aren’t super caught up with Rewired, I’d definitely scroll through a few of my last updates so this one will make more sense! 

What’s it about? 

Moth Work is a FOSTERED spinoff story following Lonan and Harrison (dumb+dumber) at the peak of their relationship. I *was saying* that the plot went loosely as follows: after finding a photograph of a woman in Lonan’s father’s dark room, they set out to find her, HOWEVER, because I never stick to plans, I have yet to follow through with this main plot thread, lol. Vaguely, I’d just say the most important part of this story is their relationship at its most fragile because who is plot I don’t know her. 

Moth Work follows the events after REWIRED, and is a bit of a bridge between it and the next book. This makes it kind of hard to explain because a) it’s in a different POV, and b) context, but hopefully that makes sense! In essence: Lonan + Harrison’s relationship is big sad and Harrison tries to make it less big sad and it gets even more big sad. 

I’ll share a very quick profile of both of the boys so there’s some context for the following excerpts I’ll share!

Harrison

My boy

Generally very outgoing, tho around Lonan this fizzles. Only wants the best for Lonan despite their history. He’s the ‘main’ narrator of the piece (third limited to him though I’m guilty of head hopping lol), so the work has a softer tone than I’m used to. Though Harrison tries to be a Macho Man, around Lonan he’s most himself--mellow, a lil stupidly romantic, and vulnerable. 

Lonan

My problematic son/probably should be cancelled 

The “issue” in the relationship loool. He’s emotionally immature and lacks accountability, but because of his past, lacks the ability to recognize these faults and work on them. Because of this, he’s fundamentally stayed the same for the last few works he’s been in (if not gotten worse). Lonan requires a lot of emotional assistance, though he isn’t self-aware enough to recognize this. This is often the cause of much conflict. 

Conception:

Like I mentioned, I often write short spinoff stories following these boys because it’s a safe happy place for when I’m feeling stressed. This is basically how this piece started, though I’ve continued it for different reasons which I’ll get into. I don’t remember how the first scene was brainstormed, but I do know when I started writing this a few months ago, I wanted it to be a lot longer than my previous stories--a place where I could just dump my writing, even when it wasn’t good. I think I did this to cope with the stress of my writing class honestly, lol, I think I needed a break from ‘serious’ writing AKA a place I could just goof off and have some fun. 

The writing bit: 

Writing this story has been a bit inconsistent. I’ve been drafting it in little pieces since the beginning of the year, and only recently picked it up as more of a ‘full-time’ work. This is subject to change depending on whether or not I get more of book 7 done. I’ve gone from writing 20 words a day to 0 to 1000--there’s really no consistency with the drafting process here. 

I have recently decided that I’ll most likely expand this into either a novella or novel itself because there is literally so much tea left to explore and it’s surpassed 10k words. Drafting Moth Work has been so helpful in easing me back into the world of FOSTERED and piecing together the huge time gap from the end of book 6 to the start of book 7. I’ve been a bit anxious to really dive into book 7 for the fear of the unknown, so inching myself closer to that timeline through this project has been very helpful!

The editing bit:

I recently did an edit around the line level for this entire piece (it’s about 12k words right now) because a) it really needed it b) I was losing steam/starting to get embarrassed and c) I needed a refresher of what had happened because je suis tres forgetful. This edit made me feel so much better about the project. It initially started off as a work where the writing didn’t actually matter and this mentality was working until I got so embarrassed of the prose I found it difficult to read through old scenes to refresh myself and thus couldn’t productively draft. 

This project isn’t written exactly in my usual style--it’s pretty stripped back and actually reminds me a lot of how my style would’ve been in book 3 had I been a better writer four years ago lol. I think the looser style works for the voice/the story itself but I def wouldn’t categorize this as litfic (what I usually write). Although the prose isn’t very complex, it took me a really long time to get comfortable enough to edit?? But once I got into the rhythm of it a few days ago, I completed the edit fairly quickly, and I’m 100% feeling better about the project overall! Though the prose is still not my top priority I’m not as embarrassed of it currently lols. 

I also divided the project into chapters because it was getting pretty long to just be one mass of text. I currently have 3 chapters. This update will cover chapter 1. 

Playlist:

Yo this is literally the best part of writing this project, lol, I get to listen to so much different music?? I’ve made a comprehensive playlist for this story with a character by character breakdown (if anyone wants to see that/highlights, let me know!). This playlist pulls from every song from my library, so we span genres and artists like crazy. Nothing But Thieves has been the primary artist for this story (specifically their self-titled album). These songs (all NBT oop) are the most relevant if you want to get the general tone lol (anything with a star has explicitly inspired the project):

Excuse Me*

Honey Whiskey*

Tempt You (Evocatio)*

If I Get High (II)

Gods

Lover, Please Stay*

I Was Just A Kid*

Get Better

Hell, Yeah*

Afterlife

Reset Me

Particles

Sorry

Number 13

Excerpts:

I don’t have *many* because prose hasn’t really been a top priority for this project, but I’ll try to include at least one per scene. 

This is one of the opening paragraphs from chapter one which I’ve titled ‘False Idol’. In short, the chapter follows the boys first attempting to destroy the dark room and then getting distracted and eventually not pulling through after Harrison finds a picture of Ominous Lady. 

The chapter’s chronology is wild so we can break it up as follows:

Scene A

The boys enter the dark room with the intention of burning it down

Harrison reaches for his lighter and drops it which prompts him to find the photograph of Ominous Lady

Him and Lonan mildly argue about Ominous Lady until Lonan takes it too seriously and throws a tantrum :-DD

Scene B

Not really a full scene, just a bridge between scene A and C.

Harrison has been waiting for Lonan to return to their campsite for the entire day and he decides to at the very last moment

“hey so i’m unable to apologize for anything but also! cigarette! let’s share it! lungs!” 

Scene C

The boys exercising their canoeing skills

This leads us to our first “beat”.

Lonan interrupts Harrison’s peaceful evening by having a mild crisis

This takes place right after the events of Lolita, Lolita (chapter 16 of REWIRED). We then jump back to the fictive present.

 This alternates like 5 more times lol then the chapter is done!

The following excerpt describes their entry into the dark room. Don’t know how smart it is to be smoking in a room full of highly flammable material but we out here.

I don’t think she’s particularly special but I also don’t hate her so!! hoping an aesthetic photo will make it read better :’)) I ! don’t ! think ! it does ! but !

Harrison shoulders the door first, traps it open with the clip of his boot. Dust and streaks of light rake behind him as he pushes through cardboard boxes, mountains of photo paper on the ground. Lonan follows silently, still wearing Harrison’s jacket. Trails of smoke from his cigarette catch in the negatives hanging by the clothespins, chemical peel between the layers of ink. In one hand he tends to his cigarette, and in the next, lugs in the canister of gasoline they found in the cabin’s cellar. As Harrison fumbles for his flashlight, Lonan sets it down by the table so it sloshes like the Pacific. 

This is a bit of when Harrison finds the photograph of Ominous Lady:

He turns the photograph over, and shines the flashlight on it. It’s scratched and developed wrong, little bits of orange obscuring the woman’s face, but it’s very much a woman. A dark bob and bangs in her eyes, jewelry hanging from her septum. Sunshades enough to reflect the European street behind her. The discreet jet of ink on her skin, blues and greens peeking out from under her sleeve. Izzy, he recognizes. Lonan’s mother. 

Nudging Lonan with an elbow, “I didn’t know your mom has tattoos.” 

Lonan takes the photograph cautiously, holding it by the corners like it’ll burn him. His brow trembles, but it takes him only seconds to say, “That’s not my mom.” He takes the flashlight from Harrison and examines it closer, fingers nimble and tracing the edges. In the grey light of the dark room, he looks nullified. Just a monochromatic hum of chromosomes and skin. 

that’s not my MOM

After the boys find the photograph, Lonan gets triggered at Harrison’s suggestion to find the woman (he presumes her to be someone involved with his father) and promptly has a tantrum and exits. This leads us into the next scene where the boys! actually! get! on! boat! In this scene Lonan tries to say sorry for his tantrum by offering Harrison a cigarette (lol) and because Harrison is hopelessly romantic and also hopelessly dumb, says yeeeees sir! They go for a canoe ride on the water. Thought it was going to be sweet, ended up being a shitstorm but!

This paragraph is kind of toast but:

The canoe isn’t hard to get into the water. After a few nudges from the dock into the slow dip of tide, it stabilizes easily. Harrison is convinced it will capsize but Lonan knows it won’t. They take one ore each, and ignore the life jackets at the back of the shed.

The moon is large and mesmerizing. As Harrison and Lonan take turns pushing the canoe into the water, mast first, then its entire belly, it colours them silver. Lonan’s protected the cigarette in the pocket of his shirt. Harrison stares at its faint outline stretched under the fabric. Lonan steps into the canoe first, rocking with the current, and extends a hand for Harrison. He pulls him in and they row until the cabin is the size of a fingernail, the wave steady and dense. Each cut of the paddle feels like plunging a scalpel into flesh and Harrison watches Lonan do it easily. In the distance, the cabin doesn’t look so menacing. Reeve has left the lamp on by the loft, and it glimmers back like an eyeball, effervescent and tiny. Nothing but a reflective penny in the distance.

Here’s some Harrison being lame:

The water laps at the base of the canoe, and Ris reaches over and touches it like it’s holy. He makes the sign of the cross and it feels perverse, cold water dripping from forehead to chin.

For a while it’s quiet. Just the distant hum of crickets, the slash of the paddle, and the off-chance flash of something in the distance; an animal, a flashlight. Ris tries not to think about Lonan’s dad, like a dead man slithering through the water, following their boat. He picks at a saltine, sucks it between his tongue meditatively. Against the sky, Lonan is backlit and lovely and flecks of his hair peek up from around the jacket’s collar. Harrison wonders if as a child, everyone said he looked just like his father. 

On top of lacking accountability, Lonan is also a professional canoeist so he takes over while Harrison eats saltines and reminisces about an encounter they had weeks prior. This leads into the solid chunk of backstory that I weirdly jump in an out of for the entire chapter. :)

Backstory consists of drunk Lonan having a crisis while Harrison tries to have a peaceful evening of taping up his drawings to his bedroom ceiling. The following excerpt describes the moment right after Lonan enters the room.

Harrison’s lips secured around his cigarette, his hand mid-air with packing tape and line drawings of the moon. A tinny country song dribbled through the radio. The minute-meal he’d heat up in the microwave lying forgotten and cold on his desk. Harrison set the pile of drawings down and turned off the music.

“Emily left?” Lonan asked. He kept his face upward, stared clumsily at the ceiling. Harrison watched his eyes trace the new drawings, following the uncalculated pattern. 

This paragraph is made up of 5 similes and this is the only reason I’m sharing it :)))):

Lonan has stopped paddling. The canoe sits in the middle of the lake, lifeless, like a bone in the water. He’s turned so Harrison can see him in profile, and Ris can’t tell if it’s relieving or worrying to see his face. Lonan’s jaw is taut, like there are words he wants to say there but can’t. Filling up the hollow bone. He blinks slowly, like he’s trying to re-centre himself, his chest quivering with breaths meant to steady him. The water laps at the base of the canoe, whirling. Dark hair tangles down his cheeks like the fingers of a poltergeist. 

I think that’s a pretty good way to end this post lol! How many similes have you put in one paragraph? What’s your record lol this is probably mine!

Hope y’all enjoy the intro to MOTH WORK. I have two other chapters already written which I’ll update on in a separate post! For now I hope you like this more laid back project, let me know what you think!

---Rachel

[lady-strange-i-dont-want-youu]

Thank you so much for the Platinum Blonde recs!! I listened to a little bit of both albums last night and I'm very impressed! My favorite song that I've heard so far is Crying Over You, that one is so good I had to listen to it a couple more times today. You're so right when you say music is made with creativity and drive, it seems like quite a few artists aren't 100% educated musically but they don't really need that - all they need is that drive! I wasn't expecting you to be so excited about the harmonica idk why 😂 I just smiled so much reading that. I'm not the best but I can play "mary jane's last dance" and "you don't know how it feels" (both tom petty songs) and I learned just a little bit of bob dylan's "like a rolling stone" and the beatles' "I should have known better" but that's about it lol. I can play harmonica just well enough that it doesn't sound like a dying cat y'know 😂 I DO have a ton of band merch actually. I have 4 posters - two of them are def leppard (one from 1988 and one from 1980), one is slash, and one is metallica. I also have two framed photographs now, one is stevie nicks and the other is tom petty. I have way too many band shirts to count - a few are guns n roses, alter bridge, bon jovi, dokken, pink floyd, two are def leppard, like 5 of them are the beatles, one is tom petty and the heartbreakers, I could go on but those are my very favorites. I also have a guns n roses lighter I lifted off my mom haha! It doesn't work anymore but I keep it because it looks cool. More recently I've gotten a pack of replicated signed photographs of the beatles that are scattered around my room and my little brother got me tom petty buttons from the wildflowers album for my birthday which was so sweet. I keep those on my dresser so I can see them everyday. I also actively collect cds and tapes. Most of the tapes I have come from my mom honestly 😂 and I've been buying myself cds for a few years now. And I know I keep mentioning him but my current goal is to collect every single tom petty cd there is - so far I have six of them and I'm pretty proud of that. Now a question for you: Have you gone to any concerts and are there any bands you'd really want to see live? -❄

Ouuuu! I'm glad you liked! Crying over you is A BANGER (definitely throw that song in the same playlist as Bon Jovi you gave love a bad name) And with the musical education it sometimes helps but I think (correct me if im wrong) music education is for those symphony orchestras, the drive is you practice practice practice and work hard for what your imagination comes up so it can be ✨reality✨ i went to my friends place since HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN PLAY DRUMS and me and him did a play through of the song im working on for my single AND MAN I WAS SO HAPPY like he's in a band himself and gives me tips but thankfully i wasnt performing because i sometimes would mess up or forget i had my fingers on G chord😂 but i find the harmonica super cool though and over time you'll be better than before! It literally amazes me like you're the first person i know now who plays harmonica! HOLY THATS ALOT OF MERCH i wanna get one led zepplin, ratt, europe and 2 def leppard posters but i'm just waiting till i move out that way i wont have to deal with taking them down because my tapestries are enough already😂😅 I sadly never went to a concert (i mean i guess that aint true i went to my friends bands gig and my ex is part of the band oops) but FAMOUS WISE i wish to see def leppard but im too poor to go to the states to see them😔 europe i want to go and see too.. mötley crüe would prob be wild😂 how about you? Did you see any of your fav bands concerts or who do you wish to see live?!

[therealchampagnemamii]

👫

Jasper x Agnes

I love morning routine headcanons and I know that Jasper and Agnes are the cutest in the morning. They’ve learned how to work around each other to get dressed but at the same time are always giggling and still trying to be close and make out. But Jasper has learned how to wiat patiently while she does her makeup and he just sits there beaming, lowkey cheering her on and constantly prasiging how good she looks. He’s also managed to care more about the effort he puts into how he looks becasue of her because he wants her to know that he cares and he wants to look good for her always.

I feel like there big believers in just daily romance, whether it’s getting each other flowers or sweet texts or just picking up their favorite snack for each other before meeting up. They’re just always on each others minds and constantly thinking of how they can care for reach other more. And if there’s an opportunity for Agnes to tackle hug him, Jasper will take advantage of it. 

Cooking is definitely something they’re both working to get better at and I can def see them both investing in some cookbooks and just sitting in bed at night flipping through them, planning out what they’d like to make for the weekend. They are probably hella domestic and are 100% in love with that. They both love the stability and I cry 😭

In present day, Jasper has already started a little stash of funds for their future kid. 

Lavender x Layla

Lavender does her best to respect Layla’s boundaries and her comfortability with where they’re at, but I feel like she also tries to find little ways each day to let Layla know that she’s there and thinking of her. Whether it’s sending her a post on instagram that made her think of her, or a funny tweet or a song she really likes. She just likes to give little reminders that she’s not going anywhere. 

I also feel like the more time has gone on, they’ve gotten better at intentionally spending time together and it feeling less awkward. Lavender is trying to slowly but surely be a bit more romantic with her and hoping that it also helps Layla feel more comfortable with their relationship. 

I love the idea of Lavender and Amber throwing down in the kitchen together and Layla just watching pretending to be annoyed but also like, “feed me now,” and lowkey loving that they’re getting along. 

THEY’RE IN LOVE AND JUST NEED TO STOP BEING DUMB PLZ n THX

Austin x Blue

It really was love at first joint. Blue was probably the first person Austin met that didn’t look down on the fact that he loved to smoke weed. The first time they smoked together they probably just looked at each other and were both internally like “woah we’re gonna be soulmates” and that’s what happened. It was an instant connection and everytime Austin is real wasted he tells Blue about how his life is split as ‘pre-Blue’ and ‘post-Blue.’

They’ve talked every single day since they’ve met. Whether it’s via text or in person, it’s impossible for them to not say a single word to each other. She’s the first person he texts in the morning and usually the last person he texts before he goes to bed if he isn’t staying over her house. Blue probably has keys to the Rapp house anyway. (His parents are still convinced they’re gonna get married one day.)

Blue was the first friend that Austin told he was trans and the one non biological family member that was allowed to be there after his surgery. I feel like she was definitely crashing in his room during his whole recovery process and he definitely admitted his undying love for her while high af on his pain meds. 

They’ve spent a lot of time searching for the perfect bff necklaces for the two of them and Keaton and Sabrina and have yet to find the best ones. 

Cassandra x Adrian

Adrian is the only person who has direct access to her Spotify and iTunes account. She’s just always been logged in on his computer and their exchange of music is daily. As soon as Cass hears a new song she likes, she immediately sends it to Adrian or picks him up in the car so they could listen. 

When Cassandra got her car Sophomore year of high school, she and Adrian drove around all day and night listening to their favorite albums and started a Friday tradition of listening to new music in her car. No one else is ever allowed to be in the car during that time aside from the two of them. 

Their love for McDonalds knows no bounds and they’re probably very friendly with the staff there, especially the ones who are there late at night. They always sit at the same table and even though they each have their own fries, they inevitably end up stealing some of each others. 

Cassandra still has a sweaters of Adrian’s from middle school that she never gave back and still wears when she’s sad. His hugs are her favorite thing and his sweater is a decent substitute until she can find him to hug her. 

Leo x Hailey

When they were together they were always very affectionate with each other. They weren’t ones for making out in the hallways but they were always close, holding hands, one of their hands on the other knee, Leo would always try to be kissing her cheek or holding her close to him. They’re connection has consistently been pretty magnetic. 

There was definitely a defining moment for the two of them when they realized that they both weren’t in this just to spite Colette but that their feelings were actually really deep. It was probably while they were really dancing together for the first time and by the end of it they were staring into each others eyes and realizing damn, this some real shit right here. 

Leo’s fam really does love Hailey. His little sisters definitely still message her, especially now that they’re old enough to have their own social media. They’re like Hailey’s number one fans. 

Future Leo and Hailey take cheesy to a whole new level but they’ve been very intentional about lightening their work load so they can spend more time with the kids and with each other. Leo is constantly romancing her and trying to take her out or stay in since we all know they’re total homebodies. And Leo tells her every damn day about how being married to her finally is the best thing that has ever happened to him (no offense to the kiddos.)

Chase x Agnes

Chase and Agnes probably have a record breaking snapchat streak. They know something is wrong if they don’t wake up to a snapchat from each other. 

Agnes really is Chase’s favorite person to go shopping with. They completely indulge each other and most likely spend hours at the mall. Chase loves to cheer her on while she tries on clothes and always gives an honest opinion and probably remembers whats in her wardrobe better than she does and she does the same for him. 

Whenever she’s over, Titus literally does not leave her side, as soon as shes up and walking, so is he, Chase might as well not even be there. 

The first call Chase made when Odessa went into labor was to Agnes. And yes I’m crying about it. 

[st0ned-butch-blues]

resolution updates

It’s important to check-in w myself so I don’t fall through with these 2018 resolutions...

1. Be healthier physically and mentally

idk how but I fucked up my sleeping schedule even more and am basically nocturnal now??

doing rlly well with avoiding the vending machine

the whole self-love thing is def not getting any better but tbh I didn’t expect it to (it’s gotten a lot worse recently)

yo girl won’t be having sex any time soon and is too drained w life to try masturbating, rlly gonna have to push this one off until I’m in a better place mentally (and prob when I’m out of Colby)

still not journaling ahhh (but I rlly am trying to make more personal posts on this blog) I get too frustrated w writing because it’s not fast enough to catch up to my brain, so I may have to start journaling digitally or some shit

found a friend that volunteers at the humane society, will hopefully start volunteering w her next semester. maybe ask ana and jean to join me

I cleaned my room for the first time this year and that was super nice and cleansing and ahhh

decided to add a resolution to drink more water cause I usually drink water once a day and... that’s not good. Downloaded the Plant Nanny app to keep me on track

try to stop drinking alcohol as ur prime social activity -> maybe try weed? don’t wanna fuck up my health lmao

2. Improve your social life

am planning a lot more social programming for clubs, which I think is a good club goal to have. we need to build community first before trying to accomplish anything else.

social anxiety has gotten worse and I need to learn how to socialize but also take it easy and stay in during rlly bad mental health days instead of forcing myself to go out and feeling even shittier

have continued to not make friends and be a passive friend to the friends I do have. fuck.

I consider myself a rlly good friend to turn to when you have problems (and my friends have been having A LOT lately), but you can't base an entire relationship off of negativity... Plan to do things w ur friends that are FUN and not just talking about problems/complaining

I'm continuing not to fuck w cishet boys as much as possible. But tbh it can be rlly hard when everyone around you still gives a fuck about them and ur rlly just trying to quit ur unhealthy thoughts associated with them

still pining after a relationship tbh. or maybe just the validation of being unconditionally loved by someone or maybe I just miss cuddling. but it’s p much confirmed that ill never get in a relationship during my time here. or get any queer sexual experiences. or sexual experiences in general. so focus on just surrounding urself w a queer community because that is the epitome of fun and love and acceptance and ahhhhh

3. Get your academic shit together. Plan for your future career/life.

most of my resolutions for this section will have to wait till next semester, so we’ll see...

have learned that taking a shower is rlly good for combating unproductivity? It’s a very relaxing, cleansing thing for me and I should start doing it earlier before I want to get shit done rather than right before I go to sleep

got into WOCA board, will start doing this food/gardening youth education volunteering thing, got a social media-y internship (still debating if I want to drop Oak Committee and whether or not to apply for CA/COOT leader)

jan plan hasn’t been strenuous academically at all. but im worried moving into second semester how I’ll handle balancing all the shit in my life on top of my unstable mental health

still have only read one book this year. get on that.

have def been watching more content, but usually in an unhealthy binge-watching, sleep depriving way. at least I have netflix now eyyy

some media I’ve rlly enjoyed recently are: Wasted! (one of the best food documentaries I’ve ever seen. rlly well done), Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King (amazing stand-up comedy by a first-gen indian-american), RuPaul’s Drag Race (has been slowly helping me make queer friends on top of just being some quality entertainment), The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo (just finished binge-watching this web-series and wow this is the queer life I wish I was living)

cleaning up my personal blog is a sloooow ass process but have worked on it a liiittle

have been having problems w food again, this is a good reminder to lay off the red meat. ill rlly be able to accomplish my food resolutions when I'm in co-op next year. esp when I can go to farmer's markets and sustainably source seafood ahhh

should rlly start budgeting, logging my purchases, calculating reimbursements (for clubs and parents), and get a consistent job

haven’t done too much work w korean shit. BUT I stayed up until 8 AM listening to all of Jonghyun’s solo albums and holy shit he has some jams but like also some rlly fucking beautiful songs and his voice is so relaxing and wow I’m so fucking sad he’s gone. Even though I got into him rlly late, he was coincidently the one korean artist that kept showing up in my life randomly on social media and through friends. idk I just realized how calming korean music is for me, like I put Jonghyun’s "Before Our Spring" on repeat when I had my mental breakdown last night

applied to a summer program!!!!!! Rlly rlly rlly hope I get this one (partially so I can see heejin again tbh)

[leesh]

I took it upon myself to listen to 1989 and try to figure wtf happened in this relationship with Harry and from the songs on the album that I've gathered about him, I've also spied on some Taylor blogs to rule out which are def not him, I've come to the conclusion that Style, Out of the Woods, I Wish You Would, All You Had to do was Stay, How You Get The Girl, in pretty sure This Love, I Know Places, Clean, and Wonderland.

since there’s 10 parts and a couple of other asks to this, i’m putting it under a real more, but let me tell y’all... holy shit

also @anon... pls i welcome you back anytime

I also think her recent song Better Man is about Harry which came out right after her break up so people instantly assumed Calvin, there are some parts where I'm like ehhh this couldn't be Harry but there's a lot I'm like yes this is Harry and her basically saying bro we could still be an item. Anyways lol despite what you may think Wildest Dreams is not, it's about an actor she worked with while filming I believe The Giver like the music video basically tells us it's not Harry.             

A lot of these point to a very complicated relationship where he couldn't decide what he wanted until it was very much too late. They were both very scared and wary of the media, which is strange to hear looking at from the outside cause it seemed like the exact opposite. But she was very much scared of how it was going to effect this relationship. There was quite a bit of back and forth and stubbornness on would call or suck up their pride and talk to the other first, sounds familiar             

I'm going to go ahead and say that I personally believe most of the album is about Taylor, again just drawing conclusions from when I listened to her album and these theories just add to it. But I believe Meet Me in the Hallway, Two Ghosts (clearly), Woman, and From the Dining Table are about her. I'm still a bit iffy on Ever Since New York cause it could be while at the same time it could be anything.             

There's also a small part of me that thinks Only Angel is as well because just knowing her reputation as an angel and americas sweetheart that never gets her foot dirty and their theorized/rumored history of frequent hook ups, I could see but again not too sure. From his side, he definitely sort of admits to either just not showing enough commitment or not realizing what he had until it was gone or maybe a bit of both.             

There a lot of him being scared to show that commitment and it obviously had her very frustrated and annoyed and made it seem like he was playing some kind of game when really he was probably crying alone in his hotel room wondering wtf was wrong with him @ mmith. This kid still follows her on Instagram which means he literally put himself through seeing that crazy rare display of affection on her Instagram of her and Calvin before the two broke up like why did he do that to himself.             

A lot people like to make it seem like it's crazy or absurd that he could still be hung up on this relationship, but this relationship really sounded like it was something special to the both of them and Harry seems to have thought that he would have gotten her back by now and is confused and heart broken as to why she has moved on and seems unbothered by his presence at this point. It's not that absurd to think he could still be hurt or healing from this as    

1. He sees her everywhere cause she is one of the biggest pop stars and this last year she did her giant vacation with Tom which was everywhere 2. They have a lot of mutual friends, a lot, so he probably hears of her and her new boyfriend(s) 3. If it was something important, with how young he was, that's not something that you just stop having feelings for like both of them have said or danced around the fact they stay still have feelings for each other of some kind             

Taylor said that he's that type of person that comes in and out of your life and the she wouldn't mind if he crashed her wedding. He also said that this album was a tip of the hat to her which means he wanted her to hear these songs, probably in hopes that she would change her mind. So it's not that crazy of a thought. I'm not saying they're this epic love story of soulmates that don't realize they are             

If they had been hooking up Til bout 2015, then it's not that crazy to assume he hadn't completely moved on emotionally. Also he's probably expecting some cliche rom com ending. Also consider that Perfect was written with a crap ton of writers and was literally a song to promo the album cause 1989 had just come out like months or a year before like Harry would hardly even admit to doing any writing on that song and he's a guy that's very proud of any song he has a hand in when asked            

Im not a Haylor, that was my analysis on the relationship through the words they had given us. Last year, my AL english teacher had us a do an essay every two weeks with a song analysis cause she loves music and I did full analysis on every one of Harry's song from the music to the words to how he sang them and made a 100 one each, which is rather hard in AP, so if you wanna hear that I can also share that.             

I'm the multiple part anon and I somehow also forgot to add that Harry had also said when writing these songs song he dug into emotions that he had tried to forget or block            

[sunflowerstationary]

This post is… kind of long

Tip: when typing on tumblr app, since it inconvenient to save as you go, occasionally select and copy everything so it’s saved on the clipboard

I can’t say much about the driving test because its been forever, but my instructor wasn’t like, unfriendly. I asked him about his job and he talked about how in his experience doing the test, all of the accidents have happened because of people who already had their licenses. And really, theres no shame in failing your first test. The instructor i had failed several people from the School of Driving or something. Its not a consistent test, I don’t think.

I’m really glad you get to live with Scappy again, I’m sure he’s super pleased to see you all the time again. i hate being away from my babies so much. They have each other, but no one pays enough attention to them I just don’t enjoy being home most of the time. Honestly, the biggest problem is that theres no where comfortable to sit. Like, the kitchen table doesn’t have chair backs, the couches are uncomfortable and impossible to cuddle on, and the floor is, well, the floor. Plus you never know who’s going to be home and when.

I would totally love to learn some russian. I wish I had the time to really commit myself to learning another language. I’m currently just trying to teach myself to use home row using keybr. I have yet to get all the way through because q keeps fucking me up. Also my nails make it kind of hard to like, really keep my fingers on the home row because if i do that I can’t really hit the bottom row of keys.

I occasionally text Collin, but they aren’t very good for answering. I don’t think there ever was any sort of resolution between us and think we agreed to keep it that way. I don’t think about them very much but I do miss them. I wish i could keep track of them better and support them somehow, they really meant a lot to me.

As a kind of side note, I occasionally talk to Rayzel. I like her, though its awkward sometimes because she doesn’t really carry on a conversation well. She rarely messages me first and that makes it really hard for me but she’s uber supportive all the time and its nice. She’s kind of been a nice neutral party when i don’t know who to talk to about a something.

Things are kind of better for me, though it feels fake and definitely would still rather be dead most of the time. Like I’m not sad as often but I also tend to default to sleep or alcohol before it gets really bad. So thats probably not the most healthy coping mechanisms but. idk things are good right now but i’m also pretty sure its because my school workload is very light and I’m barely working. I haven’t done any work for athena in twoish weeks and I’m only working 11ish hours for bk so I’m all hell will break loose for me when school gets tough and I get more hours.

The babies are good, Sandstorms face is getting bad again, and Lucky probably needs another bath. Sandstorms taken up peeing in the dining room again. Mom put the litter box in there for a while and obviously it helped, but mom couldn’t deal with the smell so she slowly moved it closed to the door for downstairs. and by slowly I mean not very slowly at all. It don’t think it really helped because I caught sandstorm peeing in there one morning when I was getting her shot ready.

Me and Kevin are good. Since I isolated the hell out of myself so he would be comfortable, there really isn’t any other tensions. I do really regret isolating myself so hard. I still wonder sometimes if I’m making the right decision here- am I going to look back in twenty years and wish I had put my foot down while I was still young and we had only been together a few years? I’m so clearly poly, and I’m going to keep falling in love with my friends for the rest of my life. Thats just how I am. I really don’t know what to do about it. I can’t imagine life without Kevin. I can’t even remember to put a bra on or brush my teeth, he more or less holds my life together since I just cannot.

The party thing was good. I got so drunk. I regret that. But it was fun and I really like Chris so. One of kelvins other friends, Tyler, who I like as well, showed up super high and now I am uncomfortable. Like, i knew he smoked but idk. I think I still need to get over that. I probably just need to get high once or twice and like. Not die or whatever. idk. But I totally forgot Chris’s comment and I’m TOTALLY going to ask the next time were alone. I’ll have to ask Kevin about the comment again to refresh my memory.

I haven’t tried the wine yet, it’s at my house and I plan on opening it whenever I need it there since its more socially acceptable than shots.

Athena hasn’t been great tbh. It did wonders for my self-esteem while I was there. More from feeling like I was important than actual work. But now that I’m gone, no one talks to me at all and it kind of. feels like its invalidating everything that happened while I was there. Idk. I got fairly close with a girl named Aubrie but she has barely talked to me at all since I left. No one is willing to hold conversations with me, and I wasn’t really around long enough and I didn’t talk enough to be able to ask people about their lives. Plus, they’re all very much in different parts of life than me, so it wouldn’t be good conversation anyway. Being a good listener is less useful when its not in persna and they have to type up everything. Its more effort for less reward. So no, i’m not getting much work and no I don’t really keep up with anyone. I should though. Physical letters would be a good idea. I wish I was a bit more creative, I could like, send pictures and trinkets and such. Idk. I should def do it.

I have so much I’ve wanted to talk to you about, but I can’t even remember most of it. I’m not sure If I told you, but the only queer on the team recommended the artist Kate Bush to me. They said that she was a very important part of her life and they have a tattoo relating to one of her songs so I was like ‘I’ll totally give her a try’. I’ve only really listened to her album Hounds of Love, but her other famous songs are Withering Heights and Babooshka. She’s very whimsical, and I have no idea if you’ll like her but, you know. I listened to a documentary on her while I was working and it was super interesting so I’m convinced.

NOTE: we should probably tag these so we can find them. You’re better at coming up with tags, so its your job :P

Schools been okay, Team Projects been kind of yucky because its all the people I’m trying to avoid, but the teacher is A++, very dad. So hopefully it should be okay. The problem is we had to ‘expose’ ourselves to help us work in teams better and I both did not want to share at all and also very much wanted to overshare. But Jordan, a girl who I took bookbinding with and I’m friends with, is in the class so that helps. Diversity in the Deaf Community is cool, the teacher is super great. He’s deaf, which makes it hard for me to talk to him but he’s so AWARE. Our first real lecture talked about how everything is a social construct. I never hear teachers talking about that. the final project is going to be a big deal though and I’m worried its going to overwhelm me, because I’ve got big final projects in every class.

ASL 3 is fine, I feel behind but it hasn’t gotten bad yet. Its got a paper that requires I interview a deaf person which. should be interesting. I really am shit at reading sign sometimes. Topics in Media Arts, Sciences will probably be really helpful in the long run but will probably be hell. The teacher is Russian, I believe, and her english isn’t always very good. The way she talks is incredibly frustrating for me- she’s just like my mom, she stops halfway through sentences. And she’s not always clear and we have to do like, real experiments. Were going to have eye tracking and finger thingys and its gonna be a lot.

And then Abnormal psych, the only class I’m actually excited to go to, which is from 5:30 to 6:50 which is. so yucky. But the teacher is super great and also super aware. she talks about how we need to break down the stigma around mental illness. Her specialty is working with Bipolar kids. She’s very energetic but i think she’s probably in her forties?  I actually have no idea but i’m accounting for my shitty sense of peoples age. Her face is actually very skull-like if you look at it close enough. Her eyes are kind of sunken and her nose is kind of big. I keep like, unconsciously diagnosing her. I think she probably has body image issues. She’s incredible, incredibly skinny. She wearing really tight tops but always has really really baggy pants. Idk, its not really my place though.

Mom hasn’t bitched as much about Ed lately, but I’m not sure if it’s because it’s getting better or because she’s getting used to it. I’m getting used to it for sure. I talked to him about making the cat tree. He said it would take a couple hours at most, and would be considerably cheaper than 300 dollars. He can get carpet for free, and wood and brackets aren’t that expensive. I guess before I okay it with him, look online, the the prices were much much cheaper (though I don’t know about shipping) but if me and Ed do it, you can make it look however you want. I think that would be kind of cool. I’ll try to remember to bug you about this if you don’t text me about it.

Victoria broke up with TJ, and he was anorexic for a time and dropped a bunch of weight. He says now he’s back to about his old weight now, with the binging and the muscle gain. He also recently started dating a tiny red head names Cameron. I don’t know much about her other than she’s a singer and not much of a dancer (Which is approximately the opposite of Victoria).

Dad has more or less stayed out of my life.

Me and Kevin got into Bondage, and it’s very much an experience I want to share with you. But I don’t know how comfortable you’d be so I figured I’d ask before I got into it. I also found out i’m into wax play and we’ve both struggled with the whole thing where were both subs and its hard.

Speaking of hard, I just wanted to make it clear in case it wasn’t, I’m not particularly comfortable being in Steve’s presence. I’m not sure what to do about it- I feel guilty for not liking him, especially because I wasn’t sure if it was because of who he is or because I’m jealous but now i’m especially wary of him after the thing on my birthday. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to really like him after all of the things he’s said about me that were negative. I admit, he is kind part of the reason I don’t really come over anymore (though our conflicting work schedules really really don’t help). So. Idk. I don’t particularly want to talk to him about it but I’m willing to if you want me to.

I think I had more to say, but theres already so much so! I love you very very much and I don’t even have words to explain how relieved I am that things are looking up for you. You deserve the whole word, just for being you. It’s probably more my fault for the lack of communication, especially as the one with more spoons in general.

Thank you for everything

EDIT: Send me the link to the Boot! Also, you should be proud, I’ve been listening to P!ATD for the past two weeks straight. so.