#i think also i assumed for a while that recovery with ptsd meant that eventually i would have a 'normal' desire for a sex life | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

onthevirgeofdestruction · 4 years ago

Link

Dreaming While I Wake

Sanders Sides Foster Care AU - Roman-centric Angst & Hurt/Comfort & Abuse Recovery

Roman tries to be upbeat and hopeful despite all the shit that’s happened to him. And a lot of shit has. Luckily, his new foster home is with two literal rays of sunshine (and a sarcastic asshole).

Words: 4,059 Warnings: Death Mention, Doctor Mention, Suicidal Ideation, Foster Care Issues, Anxiety Attack, Bad Self-Image, Bad Self-Talk, Self-Hatred, Stealing/Theft, Desire to be Punished, Food Issues Characters: Roman, Patton, Thomas, Virgil Universe: Dreaming While I Wake Genre: Angst/Family

Chapter 16

chapter 1 for new readers - ffn mirror

“Are you doing okay, kiddo?” Patton asked, sitting across the couch and looking at him with those damned kind eyes. Roman didn’t respond. He didn’t feel like he could even form the words without breaking apart. He didn’t even want to think about how not all right he was at the moment, much less articulate it. Patton seemed to get the picture after a lengthy pause, because he changed the subject. “So what were you looking to buy that you wanted a job for?” Patton asked politely. “If you need to sign it, just hold up the letters long enough that I can read it,” Patton added after a prolonged moment of silence. Roman held up his hand to sign the letters, but kept a hold of the glass of water between his legs with the other hand and didn’t look away from focusing on the melting ice cubes in the water.

“D…S…? Is that right?” Patton said, sounding very confused. After a moment it seemed to click with him. “Like the Nintendo? Kiddo, I think Tomathy had one in his office he doesn’t use,” Patton said plainly, sounding like he shifted on the couch. “I don’t think he’d care if you wanted to borrow it. What game did you want to play on it?” Roman looked up and scrunched up his face, trying to remember that one what had dragons and farming one of his old friends really liked. It took a minute, but he eventually raised his hand to sign the letters. “R-u-n-e-f-a-c-t-o-r-y? What’s that? F-a-r-m? Oh, one of those farming games? Did you want to play something relaxing?” Roman nodded and signed yes. Patton smiled lightly, but his eyes were still laced with concern. As long as he didn’t vocally acknowledge it right now. Roman signed why he wanted to play it. “B-e-d? Not in bed, I hope. B-4? Oh, before. I don’t think Thomas has that one,” Roman shrugged. He was intending to save up for a DS in the first place, buying the game was assumed.

“Thomas doesn’t have what?” Thomas asked, coming back down the stairs. He didn’t look too distressed, so hopefully that meant Virgil was okay. Part of him wanted to ask, but that meant that meant he had to acknowledge it as his fault and that he also wasn’t okay and Roman wasn’t capable of doing that at the moment.

“Run-e… factory, I think? Roman wanted to play it to calm down before bed,” Patton explained and nodded to Roman.

“Runny Factory?” Thomas asked, making a baffled expression and looked to Roman. Roman spelled rune again for him. “Oh! Rune Factory! No, I don’t have that. That’s a fantasy game, right? I’ve heard good things about it, the storyline and music are supposed to be superb,” Thomas said and Roman nodded silently. He just liked the fantasy element and thought breaking up the farming with monster murder would be more interesting than just farming. Breaking up the monster murder with something laid back also seemed cool. He took a deep breath and sipped his water again. His throat was still so tight it hurt a little going down, but he was feeling like maybe he could continue to be okay as long as nobody made him think about himself. “Hey, uh, Roman, did you know?” Thomas asked a little awkwardly and Roman looked up at him in confusion. “About… Virgil?” Thomas finished. Roman put the glass of water between his legs to free up his hand.

‘What about him?’ Roman signed.

“Are you having trouble talking? I’m not any further than learning the alphabet yet, I’m sorry,” Thomas said, sitting next to Thomas. Roman motioned for him to come closer and Thomas complied and leaned in.

“Know what?” Roman whispered. He could mange whispering right now. He was just trying his damnedest not to break down again. He was not stuck in the shitty boat Virgil was. He picked back up his water cup and held it with both hands.

“That maybe he also has PTSD from… other homes?” Thomas asked softly, looking disconcerted.

“What do you mean also?” Roman whispered.

“The ER doctor thinks you have it. Do you remember being in the ER?” Thomas asked, sounding concerned.

“Not much,” Roman said under his breath. This was going into territory Roman wasn’t so comfortable in.

“There’s stuff about PTSD I guess we didn’t realize until now, I guess. Like that it wasn’t just about certain triggers,” Thomas clarified. “Did he say anything to you?” Thomas asked with concern.

“He might have mentioned it,” Roman whispered. “He noticed I was… worried about you guys hitting me and he told me I was safe. Then explained that it’s why he noticed. He implied he didn’t like talking about it. I kind of agree with him,” He admitted. He didn’t want to talk about it right now, for sure, but talking about it any time wasn’t ideal.

“I wish one of you would have told us, but I can’t fault you for not wanting to think about it,” Thomas looked frustrated for a moment, but his face softened again when he saw Roman back up slightly. “Have you heard of age regression?” Thomas asked. That seemed out of the blue. It baffled Roman enough that he no longer was shying away from Thomas.

“That’s that thing perverts do, isn’t it?” Roman asked quietly and raised an eyebrow at Thomas, a little confused on why he would bring it up.

“What?” Thomas looked just as bewildered as Roman felt. “Oh, I hate having to google these things,” He muttered. “Not that. This is medical,” Thomas said more clearly and sighed, shaking his head. Oh, well, that’s good, maybe? “Sometimes certain triggers can cause age regression in PTSD patients. Do you know how I know how I know you had a gun pulled on you?” Thomas asked, looking like he was examining Roman now. It unnerved him a bit.

“No,” Roman muttered, watching Thomas nervously in return and gripping the cold glass firmly.

“Because you told me. You were a very mouthy 13-year-old. You also thought I was Satan for a bit,” Thomas said, sounding kind of amused. Roman stared at him for a moment while he processed what Thomas said. When he realized he that he might have cussed out Thomas, his eyes widened and he shut them tight, trying to to freak out. Thomas didn’t deserve his defensive bullshit. He had to put up an aggressive front or people wouldn’t take him seriously. It didn’t pay off for him in the end, though, and he regretted ever doing it.

“Sorry,” Roman choked out and tensed up.

“No, no, it was kind of cute,” Thomas chuckled weakly and looked to Roman reassuringly. Roman took a deep breath and tried to settle down. Cute wasn’t exactly what Roman was going for, but at least he didn’t hurt Thomas’s feelings or anything. “Well, Other than the fact that you were disappointed you didn’t die. You don’t still feel like that, do you?” Thomas asked softly, sounding sad. Roman’s shoulders flinched, and he swallowed hard.

“Doesn’t everybody?” Roman whispered, joking weakly. The small broken laugh that accompanied it wasn’t the most convincing thing he’d ever done.

“No, Roman, that’s not normal,” Thomas said, putting his arm on the couch over Roman’s shoulder’s without touching him. Roman could feel the heat from his arm but appreciated not being touched. He was even closer to breaking down now, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold out. “You got a referral for a psychiatrist at the ER and I’ll be making you an appointment, okay?”

“No, Thomas, please! I’ll be good, I’ll try not to-” Roman started babbling loudly, shooting a desperate look up to him.

“Hey, kiddo, it’s okay!” Patton held his hands up and cut Roman off. Roman held his lips closed tight in a thin line.

“Why are you scared of the psychiatrist?” Thomas looked pointedly at Roman.

“My… They’ll know- The foster people. That I’m a bad kid. And then they won’t be able to place me, and then I’ll be stuck in one of those holding centers, they’re worse than the group homes, they’re really awful and that’s… I just can’t,” Roman rambled choked on a sob. He sniffled and dropped back against his cup, a tear breaking loose despite how hard he fought against it.

“Why are you worried about going to a holding center?” Patton asked, sounding concerned.

“’Cuz having mental health record is bad and harder to place since I’d be special needs,” Roman mumbled between his legs, starting to cry.

“Do you still think we’re sending you back on Friday, Roman?” Thomas sounded sad.

“Maybe,” Roman breathed.

“I missed that,” Thomas said. Roman looked up and glanced at Thomas.

“You should! I don’t belong here! I belong somewhere crappy where I’m too busy trying to survive to have to think about things. I never… I never struggled like this. At least not until I got used to not having Remus around,” Roman sighed, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. He and Remus had a shitty time when the memories were fresh, but losing Remus was worse.

“Actually, sometimes people who have been in a hard situation for a long time usually struggle in more positive environments because they’re not sure how to process love and support. Did getting separated from your brother really hurt?” Patton piped up, sounding very compassionate when he suggested an explanation. Roman barely understood what he meant, but he could follow the question easily.

“It was like they took half of me away when they tore us apart,” Roman grumbled.

“Maybe because it was the last bit of stability and support you had, you closed off and just tried to deal with the situation, and you’ve been doing that ever since,” Patton offered, continuing his explanation. Roman couldn’t completely follow, though.

“What?” Roman asked. His head hurt and he didn’t comprehend a lick of that. Some more tears broke free, and he sniffled again.

“I think you belong here,” Patton said resolutely. Roman could follow that much easier. Wait, what the fuck? No, he couldn’t!

“What?” Roman asked more incredulously, wiping his eyes.

“You love Disney and The Princess Bride and books and you’re kind and considerate and quick and Lita loves you. And Virgil’s opened up more since you got here, so I think he likes you, too,” Patton said, holding up a finger. “You fit in just fine! All the other stuff isn’t you. It’s what you’ve been through,” He smiled brightly, looking confident. That didn’t make sense, though. He was a fuck up for a castle keep full of reasons.

“I wasn’t able to sleep or keep track of time or sit still or do well in school before everything else. There’s plenty of stuff that I’m bad at, that’s all me,” Roman grumbled in objection.

“And there're ways you can learn to cope with all of that when you’re somewhere safe,” Patton provided.

“I can’t stay here,” Roman rested his chin on his legs and stared forward, feeling despondent. He couldn’t stop the stray tears, but he was too empty to freak out anymore. Thomas looked bewildered and sad out of the corner of his eyes, but he said nothing.

“And why is that?” Patton asked evenly, though his eyes looked sad.

“I’ll…” Roman dropped his head into his legs again. He couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“You’ll what?” Patton urged him to continue.

“It’s selfish, and it’s unrealistic,” Roman grumbled, shifting to sip his water. A timer in the kitchen dinged and Thomas got up. Roman flinched from the motion and sighed. He was so on edge it physically hurt. He was buzzing with restlessness but too tired and sad to even start figuring out how he could fix it.

“How about I decide that?” Patton asked softly.

“I have to get to go to a home that’s willing to take two kids when Remus also needs placement. I’ll never see him again until we turn 18 if I don’t. If he doesn’t hate me by then, anyway,” Roman sighed again and looked up to the ceiling.

“I promise we’ll take you to see him when we can, Roman,” Patton said, and he sounded like he meant it, unlike most other times he’s heard it. Though he could never really trust adults meant it when they offered, though. He’d been burned too many times before. Patton probably only meant it at the moment, but it would be too much when the time came, just like always.

“But I won’t get to be his brother again,” Roman said despondently. “Whisper nonsense words and have him completely understand me. Play fight like the fate of the world depends on the outcome. Write stories with him that turn into whole universes. All the stuff we used to have. The brother stuff you can only have when you’re a kid and you live together,” Patton looked somber but didn’t say anything. There really wasn’t anything to say.

“I hope you’re hungry, Roman,” Thomas called from the kitchen.

“You know I’m not,” Roman groaned loudly.

“Too bad!” Thomas called back. Roman sighed and sipped his water again.

“I would miss you guys… I’m not trying to say I don’t… appreciate you being nice and stuff. As much as it drives me up the wall,” Roman chuckled weakly and Patton pouted at that. “I just… I’ve been going this long on the hope I’d get him back. I got through everything I did because I never let go of the hope of being reunited, you know? I just can’t let go of that. And I don’t want to make it harder to be placed and then lessen my chances even further of getting to be with him again. I’ll be good, I promise, okay? I just can’t have that go on my records,” Roman begged him.

“How about I talk to your caseworker about it when we see him Friday? See what we can do without it going on your state records?” Patton offered gently, looking strangely conciliatory for someone who did nothing wrong.

“I’m a ward of the state who is just staying at your house. They own my ass,” Roman bit, though there was very little energy or aggression behind it, mostly just tired frustration with his situation.

“Roman, I know you’re upset, but you don’t have to be mean,” Patton chided, frowning slightly.

“Sorry,” Roman sighed heavily. “Right after I said I’d be good and everything,” Roman muttered to himself sourly. Roman wished he knew how to stop being a bastard already.

“It doesn’t hurt to ask,” Patton said. “And I’m going to either way as your guardian, but I’d much rather you be on board with it,” Patton said gesturing with his hand.

“Thanks for your honesty, I guess,” Roman rolled his eyes. “I’m on board as long as it doesn’t hurt my chances,” It was just asking, not acting in it. Roman leaned back again and put his cup down on the side table. He was so fucking itchy still. Thomas couldn’t see him, though, it was just Patton in the room. He probably wouldn’t freak out at a little itch. Roman scratched at the edges of the bandages and exhaled in relief as he itched at the adhesive, which stung slightly.

“No scratching!” Thomas called from the kitchen and Roman froze in complete and utter bafflement.

“What the actual fuck, Thomas?” Roman groaned loudly enough to project into the kitchen.

“Dad powers,” Thomas said seriously. “Apologize for cursing,”

“Sorry for saying fuck,” Roman huffed and dropped his arms in defeat to the couch with a light thud.

“Roman,” Patton said firmly, furrowing his eyebrows at him.

“Sorry for saying it again,” Roman rolled his eyes and saw Virgil come back down the stairs. He looked pretty okay other than kind of tired, which was relieving.

‘Saying fuck in front of Pat twice?’ Virgil signed. ‘Props,’ He fingerspelled.

‘Nice to see your dumb face again,’ Roman signed back.

‘Can’t say the same to you,’ Virgil signed and smirked at him before sitting back down at his controller and starting to play again. He glanced over to Patton, who mostly just seemed to be considering something. Roman was just glad the conversation was over. He turned his eyes back to the TV screen to watch the game again. He slowly loosened back up as he watched Virgil play. The long scarf physics were really eye-catching, and he just let himself drift to that.

“Dinner’s ready!” Thomas called after an interminable period of silently watching the cloaked guy running through the level. Patton smiled at them and got up and headed to the kitchen. Virgil looked Roman up and down after he paused the game.

‘You don’t look capable of crime,’ Virgil signed and looked at him disbelievingly. Wow, Virgil didn’t beat around the bush.

‘Thanks?’ Roman signed, raising an eyebrow. Maybe that was a good thing?

‘Can you do anything other than sell drugs?’ Virgil signed.

‘You cut right to the point,’ Roman made a face at him. He wasn’t sure what Virgil was getting at, but it was weird to straight-up ask.

‘Can you?’ Virgil signed again.

‘I can pick pockets and pick locks,’ Roman fingerspelled. He could do other things, too, but he wasn’t as ashamed of those things as the others.

‘No shit?’ Virgil signed and some excitement in his eyes leaked into the disbelieving expression.

‘Seriously,’ Roman signed back and nodded.

‘You’re lying,’ Virgil frowned. Fucker. Roman wasn’t lying.

‘I’ll prove it,’ Roman signed, getting up from the couch. He had to talk carefully and tenderly to the kitchen on his fucked up feet, but found a stride.

Thomas was still at the stove getting things on to serving dishes and Patton was putting water cups at the table. This was too freaking easy. Roman picked Thomas’s wallet as he passed and nonchalantly slid it in his pocket. He sat down and smiled at Patton, who smiled back and sat down. Virgil joined them at the table and stared at Roman, clearly waiting for him to do something. Roman smirked and pulled Thomas’s wallet out, throwing it at Virgil. He caught it and looked between the wallet and Roman. Patton looked up from serving himself food and saw them.

“Virgil, why do you have your wallet at the table?” Patton asked, peering closer. “Actually, isn’t that Thomas’s? Did you find it somewhere?” Patton asked, taking it from Virgil’s hands. “Virgil found your wallet, Thomas,” Patton said as Thomas walked over with the last of the food and placed it down on the table, looking confused.

“What? I don’t remember taking it out. Thank you, Virgil,” Thomas said, taking the wallet back from Patton and sliding it back in his back pocket before sitting down. Roman leaned on the table and smirked, raising his eyebrow at Virgil in anticipation.

‘You absolute bastard,’ Virgil signed, looking extremely impressed. Roman took a bow.

‘Careful, it’s not all I can do,’ Roman sat back in his chair, looking concernedly at all the food now.

‘Don’t threaten me with a good time,’ Virgil signed back before reaching over to serve himself a giant pile of tater tots. He served a single tater tot to Roman with a smirk before reaching out to grab a piece of chicken.

“I’m not beyond serving you food and sitting here until you eat it,” Thomas eyed Roman. Roman sighed and grabbed a small piece of chicken and a single scoop of vegetables. “That’s half as much as Virgil is eating, Roman,” Thomas said critically.

“I’m 100% positive he’s powered by a black hole,” Roman objected sourly, motioning to Virgil.

‘Thanks,’ Virgil smirked and started eating.

“Teenagers are biologically hungry, and you are not exempt,” Thomas corrected him.

“It’s fine,” Roman huffed.

“I think we’ve successfully established you don’t have the best impression of what fine is, Roman,” Thomas said critically and leaned back in his chair.

“Thomas, sassing Roman isn’t nice,” Patton chided him. “Just take a tiny bit more, okay, kiddo?” Patton looked at him pleadingly. Virgil served Roman another single tater tot.

‘There. More,’ Virgil signed and Roman laughed. This fucking guy.

“Thank you,” Roman smiled and signed as he spoke.

“Virgil, don’t encourage him,” Thomas frowned and chided Virgil.

‘Sure. You suck, Roman,’ Virgil signed with a lopsided grin.

“Oh, I’m wounded,” Roman put his palm to his forehead and leaned back dramatically. It did actually start to smell good, at least. Roman began eating slowly, trying to get it over with, but the more he ate the easier it finally felt and the more his stomach woke up. It stopped hurting when he ate, and he ate more comfortably. “Thanks for dinner, Mr. Sanders,” He said absentmindedly as he reached out for another serving of vegetables.

“Um, you’re welcome, Roman,” Thomas sounded a little confused, but the food was good and Roman didn’t bother looking up from eating. He grabbed a second piece of chicken, as well, after finishing the first one. Virgil knocked on the table and Roman looked up at him.

‘Are you going to tell them you stole his wallet?’ Virgil asked. Roman put down his fork and swallowed.

‘Why?’ Roman signed back, confused. Tell them he stole from Thomas? That was dumb.

‘Because they won’t be mad and I want to see their faces,’ Virgil signed. Maybe they wouldn’t and everything would be chill. But if they did get mad, maybe he’d finally get punished and fell right in the freaking world again. It seemed like a win-win scenario with a bonus of amusing Virgil.

‘Fair,’ Roman shrugged. He finally felt awake and feeling impulsive. Virgil laughs, well, as much as he does, and Roman gets sent to his room without dessert or something assuredly way too tame for what he did.

“You didn’t lose your wallet, Thomas. I picked your pocket,” Roman said flippantly, eating one of his two tater tots. They both stared at him dubiously and exchanged a look before looking back at Roman. Virgil leaned forward to watch, looking amused already.

“…Why?” Patton asked after a quiet moment of confusion. Virgil did that silent laughing thing behind his hand.

“He didn’t believe me,” Roman pointed to Virgil. “I didn’t take anything. I don’t think it’s right to steal money. I just wanted to prove I could,” Roman explained with a smug smile and a little shrug. Roman had enough money stolen from him that he genuinely couldn’t bear to do it to anyone else anymore.

“Why can you…” Patton started to ask but trailed off. He probably answered his own question as Roman raised his eyebrow and leaned on his arm.

“I learned how to do lots of things,” Roman passed his hand over the tater tot on his plate and it disappeared. Roman passed it quickly behind his back and popped it in his mouth while they were all looking at the plate. “Magic!” He announced. Stoners fucking loved sleight of hand. He once got a fifty dollar tip from a guy who was completely blasted.

Lita weaved under his feet and he shivered from the dog fur through his sock. His feet were still feeling raw from his run this morning. Roman pulled them up and went back to eating his vegetables. Thomas looked shocked and Patton beamed in delight. Virgil looked unimpressed as usual and returned to going to town on the pile of tater tots.

“Do you know any other magic tricks, Roman?” Patton asked with a sparkle in his eye.

“I know sleight of hand and card tricks, not any magic-magic tricks,” Roman shrugged. “Nothing fancy,”

“Well, will you show me one after dinner?” Patton smiled, returning to cutting up his chicken.

“Do you know the four kings in the tower?” Roman asked, interested in getting to show off.

“No,” Patton shook his head, looking invested already.

“Then that it shall be,” Roman declared regally, twisting his fork in the air. He rolled his eyes at his own idiocy and returned to eating.

Personal Taglist: @bunny222 @elizabutgayer @prinxietyforever @kanene-yaaay-o-retorno @the-sympathetic-villain @croftersjam15

the taglist repository:

High school: @dragonwithproblems @starlight-era @averykedavra @potatsanderssides

Roman Angst: @k1ngtok1

Hurt Comfort: @callboxkat @nonasficcollection @supernovainthenightsky @evoodo123

Roman-Centric: @smileyzs @robinwritesshitposts @thatgaydemigodnerd

Fostering AU: @i-am-not-a-dinner-roll

literally everything sanders sides: @katelynn-a-fan @dwbh888 @grouptalekindnesssoul @the-hoely-bleach @anvil527up @fanficloverinthesun @brain-deadx0 @the-grounded-raven @ananonsplace @ollyollyoxinfree

22 notes · View notes

prodigyofprinxetoncollege · 7 years ago

Text

For @xlittlelionhamiltonx // @heavnofhell

25th of July, 10:37 am

Angelica is looking good, despite everything.

Presidential.

The picture of her couldn’t have been taken more than ten hours ago, yet she sits behind that desk in the oval office like she’s done it a million times before.

“Angelica Schuyler was sworn in as Acting President.”

Alex sets down the bottle. He never had anything against Angelica, but seeing her like this, perfectly styled, perfectly composed, while Aaron might be dying under the hands of some surgeon right now, he can’t help but hate her.

24th of July, 6:27 pm

Alex is idly sipping Champagne, looking around the crowd. It’s not technically a fundraiser, but close enough. When Aaron became President, Theo had made it clear she wouldn’t be a First Lady that only smiled and stood by. She had started a program that was promoting the importance of education, was trying to even chances between different races and genders, and had basically been popular since day one. The American people loved their First Lady, and children were a topic that reached everyone.

Plus, Alex’s more cynical side adds, since she doesn’t have children herself, and given her track-record of being CEO of her own company and having more money than Aaron by far…it was kind of the thing the people wanted her to do. The thing that made her seem more like the good wife than the career woman. So she had done it, and was now even more popular for it. And she genuinely believed in the project, Alex knows that.

So today is the day where everyone can shake hands and pat shoulders because they are doing so much good. Alex doesn’t really like it, but he knows Aaron will be there, which is why he is here. The very moment Aaron and Theo enter, the whole crowd seems to notice. The event is open air, there’s only a small stage, yet the First Couple dominates this open space as easily as a small room.

Alex is never going to get tired of watching Aaron go through that little routine of his, smile at someone, shake their head, remember some obscure fact about them that makes it seem like he genuinely knows them and cares about every single person. It’s the kind of stuff Alex knew he wasn’t good at, the kind of stuff that got you elected President of the United States in a landslide, twice.

He might be staring at Aaron in awe, but he knows at least ten (supposedly) straight men that are doing the same right now.

As for Theo…she is wearing a light blue dress, the contrast to her dark skin nothing short of mesmerizing, her hair done up, make-up perfect. She looks like a goddess, just as attractive as Aaron, and equally as determined and dangerous.

For a second, really, just a second, Alex finds himself imagining him in her place, next to Aaron, laughing at his jokes, openly leaning into him, pressing kisses to his skin and being regarded as if it was normal. Shaking the same hands Aaron had shook just a moment ago, being charming-

No. No, those thoughts are the worst, he knows that. They lead nowhere, and they only leave him feeling empty. Apart from the fact that homophobia is rampant in this country, even if that weren’t the case Alex isn’t the right husband for a politician. (You always say that. As if you wouldn’t shut up about your opinions for the rest of your life if it meant to be by Aaron’s side.)

When it is his turn to shake Aaron’s hand, he feels ridiculously nervous. As if he hasn’t seen the man in completely different situations…

“Mr. Hamilton,” Aaron says, and his smile becomes just a little more sincere, a little broader. There is that spark in his eyes Alex knows so much, the thrill of them knowing something, sharing something, that nobody is even suspecting. “It’s always a pleasure,” Aaron adds, and it could be damning if taken out of context, if heard by the wrong ears. But Alex only chuckles.

“Mr. President. The pleasure is all mine.”

Alex also exchanges a few words with Theo, after that the evening is pretty much over for him. There are a few speeches, the first one by Theo, then a couple people that are involved in the project – and in the end, Aaron makes his way to the stage. Everyone becomes quiet.

Aaron isn’t saying anything special, just how much he loves Theo, values her support, that children deserve education and so on – it’s from one second to the next that something happens, and no one has seen it coming. Aaron least of all.

“I would also like to thank…I would like to…thank…”

Aaron looks down at his own chest, uncomprehending, when he starts swaying, his white shirt showing the first red stains. The next second, Secret Service is there, pulling him down, people are starting to scream, someone gets up and starts running, Secret Service is suddenly everywhere and Alex gets up but instead of running away he runs towards the stage, but Aaron and Theo are being led away – hell, they are carrying Aaron, he seems to be unconscious, when a Secret Service man starts pulling Alex back, and he knows he’s screaming, he’s trying to kick the guy, to hit him, but he doesn’t stand a chance.

In the end, the guy lets him go, doesn’t assume anything. Alex is a civilian, plus a former POW, his PTSD diagnosis went through the media, so everyone pretty much assumes his outbreak was caused by a flashback. Secret Service got the guy who shot Aaron, with what seemed to have been a rather small bullet.

But everyone is gone, Alex is the one who’s out of the loop, as usual, and when he gets home at midnight, he falls into his bed and sleeps till the news wake him.

25th of July, 2:47 pm

Alex doesn’t have any kind of information where Aaron is. The only thing he knows – like the country – is that he’s alive. Still alive.

He’s drunk. If this is it, if Aaron dies, just like this, no good-bye, with Angelica left to be President…Alex doesn’t know what he’d do.

Eliza calls eventually, asks him if he’s alright, if his PTSD is acting up. He lies that yes, that’s it, he’ll need a couple days.

She promises she’ll do whatever he needs.

25th of July, 4:24 pm

Alex is woken up by the doorbell. Why was he asleep at all?

Right, the alcohol.

It’s Herc. He stands in the door and just kinda shrugs one massive shoulder.

“Thought ya could need some company. I brought whiskey, but it seems like ya already had enough.”

Alex laughs, a little hysterical, but he lets him in.

“How’re ya holding up?”

Alex raises an eyebrow.

“What’s it look like?”

“You? You look like shit. Your flat? Nicer than I expected.”

Alex is happy Herc is here. They sit down in front of the TV, Alex falls asleep at some point. Herc doesn’t say anything, even though he practically falls into his lap.

Later Hercules makes them dinner, it’s nothing too fancy, but Alex hasn’t eaten in twenty-four hours, he appreciates it. There are still no other news than that Aaron is still alive but still being operated on. To Alex, it feels like the nation is holding its breath.

25th of July, 8:05 pm

Unexpectedly, it’s Theo who calls. She sounds tired, he’s sure she hasn’t slept a minute this night.

“He’s gonna make it. The surgery was a bitch but they did it, and from what they tell me, his chances are good. He’ll make it.”

He has to, Alex thinks.

“Thanks,” he replies. “Get some sleep, Theo.”

She hangs up without an answer. A few minutes later, Theo appears on TV. She doesn’t look like she sounded – she sounds stronger, better, confident. Reassuring. Just what the people (and Alex) need.

“Both me and the President have utter faith in Angelica Schuyer to lead this country while he is on the road of recovery.”

26th of July, 9:13 pm

Alex makes sure not to flinch when he enters Aaron’s room. He has to be the strong one now.

“Hey,” Aaron croaks, voice so weak, and Alex almost starts crying.

“Hey,” he gives back instead, voice sure and steady. “Looking pretty great for a man that almost died,” he teases, and Aaron manages a smile.

“I’m glad you came,” he whispers.

“I’d go anywhere for you,” Alex replies, serious this time. “You know that.”

And Aaron nods. “Yes. I know.”

27th of July, 1:52 am

Alex is still with Aaron. Aaron is asleep by now, but Theo told him he could stay the night if he wanted to, and of course he wants to. He’s been staring at the sleeping face of the man he loved for hours now.

So close.

So damn close.

But he is still here.

He takes out his little book, the one his therapist told him to start, and he skims through the pages, finds what he wrote during a dark night last month. Sometimes, Syria still plagues him.

I couldn’t seem to die, he’d written.

He goes back to the next free page, puts down the date, the time.

Writes, we can’t seem to die.

And that’s a good thing.

#hamburr #alexander hamilton #aaron burr #v; the room where it happens #xlittlelionhamiltonx

28 notes · View notes

ramblingonandonandon · 5 years ago

Text

The Rewired Soul: A Rundown

What follows is an account of the drama surrounding The Rewired Soul PRIOR to the Taylor Nicole Dean drama.

Who is The Rewired Soul?

The Rewired Soul (whom I will hereafter refer to as TRS or Chris) is a Youtuberfrom Las Vegas Nevada named Chris Boutté. He is the son of a mental health professional (Dr. Carrie Randazzo, who is simply listed as ‘psychologist’on their teachable homepage), who has collaborated with Chris previously. He has a girlfriend and one son.

He is a recovering addict (with 7yrs clean and sober), and formerly worked as an alumni coordinator at a treatment center. Chris now runs a channel that was once billed as a mental health channel, but that he knows refers to as a commentary channel. He has written several books and offers online mental health courses, and is being certified as a sober coach.

BetterHelp

BetterHelp is a service/app billing itself as “the world’s largest e-counseling platform”. Many Youtubers have been sponsored by BetterHelp and/or have advertised for BetterHelp, including Chris.

Many people felt it was unethical for Chris, as a mental health advocate, to accept any kind of monetary compensation in exchange for promoting a particular for-profit service. Some felt like he should, at least, state clearly in his videos that he was benefitting from BetterHelp’s success. Others felt like it should be clear, given that deals for sponsorship are common. Still others felt that because Chris is not a licensed professional, it is not unethical (or at least, not as unethical as it could be) for Chris to make sponsorship deals with a MH company.

Elle Love’s Tea’s video goes more in depth into the issues with BetterHelp and Chris.

More issues have sprung up around BetterHelp, including the quality, safety, and professionalism of the service.

Mental Health Courses

This video by Youtuber Elle Loves Tea discusses the controversy surrounding the courses themselves as well as their cost. I highly recommend this video is you want the details on this particular issue, as Elle provides a tremendous amount of sources and screencaps/clips in her video.

Credentials

Now THIS is one of the biggest controversies surrounding Chris’s channel.

At the time of the February scandal, Chris was not licensed or certified as any kind of mental health provider (he is currently being certified as a sober coach). The majority of his experience in mental health came from his mother (whom he has collaborated with), his work experience as an alumni coordinator, running meetings at the center, personal relationships with addicts, and his own experience as a recovering addict himself. These are not irrelevant or anything to sneeze at, but they are not the same as a degree or the clinical work experience that a doctor, nurse, social worker, etc. would have.

That said, in many of his videos, he is not specific about his qualifications. Sometimes as unclear as saying he “worked with addicts” or “worked at a treatment center” or even saying he is a “mental health professional”. It can be argued that, by being vague in describing the capacity in which he was involved with the treatment center, that Chris was being misleading.

That’s not to say he lied, just that by only saying you have ‘worked with’ recovering addicts and not HOW, you allow people’s own biases in thought to flourish, and a lot of people will hear ‘worked with’ and assume a clinical role.

Again, that’s not Chris’s fault per se, but it is a misconception that would have been easy to correct. In fact, it was easy to correct, because it should be noted that Chris has done a few videos on his role at the center, and in his newer videos often clarifies his experiences and lack of degree.

Further, many are now unsure of just how qualified his mother, Dr. Carrie Randazzo, is as well.

Diagnosing and Treating

As someone without the proper schooling and licensing, Chris cannot professionally diagnose someone with a mental or physical condition.

There are at least two examples of this happening anyways, as well as multiple instances where an issue was implied but not outright stated.

In the first, he claims Trisha Paytas (more about her below) has BPD. While this clip exists, it has been speculated that she was joking or not serious, and she has not since claimed to have BPD.

In the second, Leif E. Greenz, another Youtuber, was the person in question. Leif. E had previously been diagnosed with BPD, but believes it was a misdiagnosis. At the time of this scandal she believed it was more likely C-PTSD. It should be noted that this was NOT the only diagnosis she had ever received, or her most recent, so it does not make sense to assume that she has/had it. Except he did.

Beyond that, some people think Chris’s descriptions of his knowledge of addiction treatment crosses over into medical advice, as opposed to simply sharing experience. Worse, they say it is incorrect information.

For example, look at his older video regarding suboxone and his newer videos about suboxone maintenance as well as several responses to the latter video.

Problems with the Mental Health and Recovery Communities

Bipolar Corner (Gary) in particular does not like Chris, and has several videos explaining just why that is. It’s a very complex situation that Gary has many videos about, so I highly recommend watching a few to understand what is going on.

Dr1ven Industries has expressed concern over Chris’s actions as well.

Youtuber According to Jexi, who has almost the same amount of sober time as Chris, has also called out his behaviors as being detrimental to the recovery community.

These are far from the only MH or recovery bloggers who have had issues with TRS, but they are some of the most vocal.

Trisha Paytas

Trisha Paytas is a Youtuber, singer, dancer, and entertainer. She has been vlogging since 2006 (according to her wikipedia), and has made many music videos. Trisha has admitted to using drugs in the past, and in May posted about her most recent opiod withdrawals. While many (including Chris) have speculated that she is faking the withdrawals, most people believe that he does indeed have a history of drug use (and may still be using), as well as other mental illnesses.

Chris has made multiple videos about Trisha, to the point where she has called him out for it. She has accused him of attacking her and overstepping into her life, especially with the personal nature of his comments and her videos. He has commented on her relationships, sobriety, mental health, etc (please see links below for example, there are too many to hyperlink here).

Regardless of how one feels about Trisha, it is clear that Chris did make a lot of videos about her, often very close together timewise. Even now, that hasn’t changed. Below are the videos from his channel about Trisha that Youtube says are from the last month.

Link 1 Link 2 Link 3 Link 4 Link 5 Link 6 Link 7 Link 8 Link 9 Link 10 Link 11Link 12

Note that up to link 12, Youtube says these are all from the last month (give or take, as Youtube’s definition of ‘within the last month’ is pretty loose). That’s twelve videos about one person within a month or two. Like Trisha or not, that’s a lot.

If you search for her name on his channel, you’ll get dozens of videos. This isn’t new, either, as some of the videos date back quite a ways.

Problems with Other Youtubers

Other Youtubers have also expressed displeasure with how Chris talks about theirs lives, including Bobby Burns (who Chris has accused of using drugs (sorry the original video has been removed, but Primink discusses it and uses clips here)).

He also once lambasted a Youtuber for not sharing about her very personal experience with BPD, claiming she had an obligation to share (this, despite the fact that he seems to think any public facts about a person are fair game for discussion).

These are only two examples, but there are many more.

Part of this problem is that these videos are not designed to help the subject but the viewer. These meant a lot of click-baity titles and thumbnails (often on videos that barely or never actually discussed the youtuber mentioned), overly personal exploration into other people’s lives (with the excuse that it was public information already, and after all, he was using it to help people), unsolicited advice, etc.

The February/March Scandal

Around the beginning of February 2019 through to March 2019, TRS was a hot topic on Youtube. For the most part, it seemed to be a combination of a lot of factors - his lack of credentials, whether he was diagnosing people, whether he was acting ethically as a MH Youtuber/advocate, his general tone and attitude, Trisha Paytas’s responses, etc.

To make matters worse, he then messaged several drama channels about Trisha, ended up blocking most of them, posted a video many saw as threatening, and eventually posted an apology and took a break from Youtube (he would later come back as a commentary channel).

Here are Chris’s videos regarding the scandal. Please note that several of the videos he made were removed, but you can see clips of some of them in other reponse videos.

Video 1 (re: Primink’s first video, prior to the main drama but during the time things were ramping up)

Video 2

Video 3

Video 4

Apology Videos 1 2 and 3

Reupload of his deleted video

Here are some videos (from both drama and MH channels alike) regarding the scandal. Please note the inclusion of any video in this list does not mean I endorse or agree with it, just that it offers a view on the issue that I felt was relevant. There are many more videos that I chose not to include for various reasons. Please be aware that many of these videos were linked earlier in this article, so you may see a video that I’ve already mentioned.

Links are in alphabetical order by Youtuber name, then by order uploaded.

Ashley Kyle

Creepshow Art

Crimson Studios

Dr1ven Industries

Dustin Dailey Video 1 Dustin Dailey Video 2

Elle Loves Tea Video 1 Elle Loves Tea Video 2 Elle Loves Tea Video 3

Hedda Gold Video 1 Hedda Gold Video 2

Internet Infamous

j aubrey

Petty Paige

Primink Video 1 Primink Video 2

Psych IRL

Smokey Glow Video 1 Smokey Glow Video 2

Syren Cove

Tea by Ali Video 1 Tea by Ali Video 2 Tea by Ali Video 3

The Viewer’s Voice Video 1 The Viewer’s Voice Video 2

Drama, Commentary, or Mental Health?

This is the crux of the issue.

When Chris tweeted about how he was “leaving the toxic ass drama community”, he not only offended the drama community, contradicted his previous statements that he was not a drama channel, etc., but he also brought up some important questions.

Firstly, what divides a drama channel from a mental health channel from a commentary channel? Where are the lines, and what is the acceptable behavior for each one?

Is it ethical for someone, even someone who is not a mental health professional, to delve into people’s lives like that? Is it ethical to call oneself a mental health advocate when people claim your advocacy is hurting them?

Is it worth it to tear apart one person’s private life to discuss a topic you think is important? Is it worth it if it’s for views? What is too private, and what is fair game?

#therewiredsoul #trs

0 notes

loveintthetimeofbpd · 5 years ago

Text

The Rewired Soul: A Rundown

What follows is an account of the drama surrounding The Rewired Soul PRIOR to the Taylor Nicole Dean drama.

Who is The Rewired Soul?

BetterHelp

Elle Love’s Tea’s video goes more in depth into the issues with BetterHelp and Chris.

More issues have sprung up around BetterHelp, including the quality, safety, and professionalism of the service.

Mental Health Courses

Credentials

Now THIS is one of the biggest controversies surrounding Chris’s channel.

Further, many are now unsure of just how qualified his mother, Dr. Carrie Randazzo, is as well.

Diagnosing and Treating

As someone without the proper schooling and licensing, Chris cannot professionally diagnose someone with a mental or physical condition.

There are at least two examples of this happening anyways, as well as multiple instances where an issue was implied but not outright stated.

In the first, he claims Trisha Paytas (more about her below) has BPD. While this clip exists, it has been speculated that she was joking or not serious, and she has not since claimed to have BPD.

For example, look at his older video regarding suboxone and his newer videos about suboxone maintenance as well as several responses to the latter video.

Problems with the Mental Health and Recovery Communities

Dr1ven Industries has expressed concern over Chris’s actions as well.

Youtuber According to Jexi, who has almost the same amount of sober time as Chris, has also called out his behaviors as being detrimental to the recovery community.

These are far from the only MH or recovery bloggers who have had issues with TRS, but they are some of the most vocal.

Trisha Paytas

Link 1 Link 2 Link 3 Link 4 Link 5 Link 6 Link 7 Link 8 Link 9 Link 10 Link 11Link 12

If you search for her name on his channel, you’ll get dozens of videos. This isn’t new, either, as some of the videos date back quite a ways.

Problems with Other Youtubers

These are only two examples, but there are many more.

The February/March Scandal

Here are Chris’s videos regarding the scandal. Please note that several of the videos he made were removed, but you can see clips of some of them in other reponse videos.

Video 1 (re: Primink’s first video, prior to the main drama but during the time things were ramping up)

Video 2

Video 3

Video 4

Apology Videos 1 2 and 3

Reupload of his deleted video

Links are in alphabetical order by Youtuber name, then by order uploaded.

Ashley Kyle

Creepshow Art

Crimson Studios

Dr1ven Industries

Dustin Dailey Video 1 Dustin Dailey Video 2

Elle Loves Tea Video 1 Elle Loves Tea Video 2 Elle Loves Tea Video 3

Hedda Gold Video 1 Hedda Gold Video 2

Internet Infamous

j aubrey

Petty Paige

Primink Video 1 Primink Video 2

Psych IRL

Smokey Glow Video 1 Smokey Glow Video 2

Syren Cove

Tea by Ali Video 1 Tea by Ali Video 2 Tea by Ali Video 3

The Viewer’s Voice Video 1 The Viewer’s Voice Video 2

Drama, Commentary, or Mental Health?

This is the crux of the issue.

Firstly, what divides a drama channel from a mental health channel from a commentary channel? Where are the lines, and what is the acceptable behavior for each one?

Is it worth it to tear apart one person’s private life to discuss a topic you think is important? Is it worth it if it’s for views? What is too private, and what is fair game?

#The Rewired Soul #youtube drama

0 notes