#i then told her they were 15 in this segment and she went. oh ok then. i bet thats why the author didnt write that.

[mdzs-owns-my-ass-i-guess]

I showed one of my non-MDZS friends this part of the book

And asked her what she thinks happened

This is how it went:

Friend: they fucked, right? This has "i had a one night stand with the CEO not knowing who he was and then i met him at the office next day" vibes.

Me: no, they actually had a sword fight. And that's not an innuendo.

Friend, visibly disappointed: oh... well, i think they should have fucked. It wouldn't have taken the story five volumes if they did, for sure.

[soyouthinkucanwrite]

Chapter 4 – A new day

Synopsys: The name of the series is super random, don't mind me. Reader is a postgraduate student at NYU, made a docuseries on her research, and the show got picked up by Netflix. She goes on a press tour and meets Tom on a ‘chat show’. They get together and she decides to stay for a few days in London with him. This could be an amazing few days or more? It’s been interesting writing how they’ll deal with distance and tight schedules once ‘honeymoon’ is over...

Heads up: my first language is Portuguese, so that might explain some things here - of course, I wrote thinking about myself hahaha

Warnings for the series: mention of illicit drugs, angst caused by distance, smut (next chapters, very explicit), anxiety caused by paparazzi, and rude random people taking photos.

Other than that, this is just my guilty pleasure writing so lots of caring sweet Tom and fluffiness.

Chapter 1 - A new city

Chapter 2 - Show time

Chapter 3 - Unexpected texts

Chapter 4 - A new day

This is 1.8k words (approximately)

A while after overthinking it you closed your eyes and next thing you knew you were opening them at the sound of your alarm clock. Shit. ‘Should’ve sleept more’ was your first thought but then you remembered why you didn’t. You checked your phone. There was one text from “Tom Holland”, you just loved the quotation markes there, they reminded you of the mess it was your first interaction.

Did he really just Google-translated ‘beautiful’? And are you really swooning over that?

You got up from bed smiling like an idiot and went to get ready for the day. You were getting breakfast with David at the hotel so you had to hurry cause the Breakfast show begins at 7. It was supposed to be a bright sunny (and hot) summer day, which you knew was rare in London. But it was still a work commitment, so you decided on pants and maybe you could change before going to wherever you were going with Tom. Tom! Should you reply to him?

Ok. Play it cool. Now, focus on why you’re here in the first place, will you? You wore capri pants, a t-shirt tucked in with a belt and some stylish shoes. It looked cool, you were comfortable and that’s the best we can expect in a situation like this. No one’s expecting you to show up ready for a red carpet or anything like that anyway. You texted David and he was already downstairs getting some food, so you just went to meet him.

“Good morning” You greeted David at the buffet.

“Someone’s in a good mood. Good morning” He was in a good mood too, probably cause you’ll be going home today. Your good mood had nothing to do with that. If you’re honest, that was a reason for ruining your spirit.

“Uh-hum” You agreed.

“So, I was looking and I think I can change our tickets. You know, for earlier.” He told you as you were sitting in a table at the corner and you couldn’t help but look at him like he was saying something absurd. “Ok, you don’t look so happy about it.”

“No, I was just hoping to see the city today. You know, enjoy it a little bit before going back.” As you said that your phone lit up on the table, it was a text from Tom.

“The city. Right” David smirked at you.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You laughed at him and smiled when you saw the texts.

“Is that ok?” You heard David talking.

“Hum? Sorry?” You were smiling.

“Gosh I can’t with you. I said I might just change my own ticket, would that be ok with you?”

“Oh yeah! Go ahead. I’ll be fine. I have all my flight info.” He looked at you suspiciously.

“Just…please be in New York next week? The meeting is on Friday afternoon”

“What?” You laughed. “Of course I’ll be there. Why wouldn’t I?” He just shook his head and laughed at you.

You finished your breakfast and went back to the room to brush your teeth and get your stuff. 15 minutes later, you were in a cab with David going to the Radio One studios. On the way, you snapped a pic to send him, you know, keep the conversation going.

You rolled your eyes at him but still couldn’t help but agree.

The breakfast show was from 7 to 10 am, but your interview was not until 8 am. So you and David just hang out in the studio in the meantime. “The first hour is mainly for music”, the girl that welcomed you guys explained. Soon after, Greg James walked out to the little reception and greeted you and David. “Hey guys! Thank you for coming! I’m Greg, nice to meet you.” He offered.

“Hi! Thank you for having us! I’m (y/n), this is David.” You replied and gave him a quick hug.

“Hey! How’s it going?” David said and gave him a man’s hug/handshake. Boys.

“So this is basically standard, since it’s a live interview, I like to ask if there’s any topic you want to avoid or something you’d like to talk specially about?” He asked you.

“Oh…I don’t know. No? Just…let’s talk about how great the show is so people want to watch it and we can keep making more” You laughed.

“And it IS great! I’ve seen it, really loved. Congrats!”

“That’s kind of you. Thank you!”

“No problem, so…I guess I’ll just direct it towards the interviews you did, you can tell me some funny stories? Awkward ones preferably.”

“You got it! I’ll give you my worst embarrassment stories, you know, for the good of entertainment” You laughed.

--

A little while later you were sitting in the studio with Greg on the other side of the table. You told him about the show and some embarrassing stories as well.

“So, what are the plans now? Will we be seeing more seasons of the show? Maybe in other cities, London perhaps?”

“Well, I can’t say”

“Oh come on! Is Netflix the next Marvel on terms of keeping secrets?”

“No, I mean, I don’t know. I literally can’t say because I don’t know what the future looks like for us. It’s been so great to go out and talk about the show, and see how much people liked it but I’m kind of just enjoying while I can.”

“No! Don’t say that! They won’t let you get away like that!”

“I hope not! If they want us, I’m all in! I’d love to make 10 more seasons and in other cities, even! Can you imagine?"

“Now that’s more like it! Let’s make a deal, if Netflix don’t renew with you, BBC will take it!”

“Ok! Sure! Are you in charge of it?”

“No really, but that’s just a technicality” He laughed. “Alright, so we’ll play some music and when we come back we’re going to hear some unpopular opinions! Are you ready for it Ana?”

“Sure, yeah! I love the theme song, let’s do it!”

“Do you really? You listen to the show?”

“Yes! I really do, I’m a fan since when I was learning English! I genuinely love Radio 1”

“No way! Just for that, I’ll let you choose the next song"

--

When the song died over it was time for the game.

“Hey! If you need a job, you can just come work here with us as international music sommelier, what you think about it?”

“Oh don’t even joke. That’s my dream job, honestly!”

“It’s settled them” The interview was going really well, and it was almost ending. “Alright, so our time is almost over. Shall we hear some unpopular opinions and send you all to the weekend with a pinch of wrath?”

“Yes please! Let’s hear them” The theme song started to play and you sang along. “Come and give us your unpopular opinion, something up to know you’ve been scared to say”

“That was great! And in the first try! You really are a listener!”

“Told you!”

“Ok so, first on the line we have Maya. Hello Maya? What’s your unpopular opinion?”

“Calling people bestie is cringe” The girl on the line said.

“Uh agreed” You said.

“You agree with her?” Greg asked you.

“Yeah. If it’s not ironically, it’s very cringe. Like calling your husband hubby”

“To be fair, most pet names are cringe” Greg offered.

“True, very true. Hey, love is cheesy. Nothing wrong with that. People in love are just not cool, have you ever met a couple that was genuinely cool?”

“No, I have not. Well, I mean…the Beckhams are cool.”

“Uh good one. I stand corrected. But can you imagine Victoria calling Dave ‘hubby’ or the other spice girls ‘bestie’?”

“Definitely not.” You guys laughed together, you were just being silly. “Good one Maya! Alright, next call is Kyle. Hello Kyle?”

“Hi! Flat watered down soda tastes good.”

“What?” You yelped. “Are you ok, Kyle?”

“And that’s why we call this segment ‘unpopular opinions’” Greg laughed. “Do you want to defend yourself there Kyle?”

“Not really, I just prefer it like that.” Kyle said and you and Greg laughed.

“You know what Kyle? You keep doing you. You might want to try some juice or iced tea, though. But you do you man.” You joked and Greg cracked up.

“That was great, I love it!” Greg said. “That will be all for today, don’t forget to check (y/n)'s new show this weekend and spam Netflix about how much we need more seasons!! And bring (y/n) to London Netflix!”

“Oh my god I loved it! Thank you so much for having me, I had the best time!” You thanked him. Music started to play and you took off your headphones. “Thank you, really. I was great!” You said directly to Greg.

“Oh don’t thank me! I really hope we’ll see you more! Come back always to promote the next seasons and projects!” He offered.

You got out of the studio and greeted David. “That was so much fun!” You told him.

“You’re killing it there ! Mission accomplished, finally! Are you coming back to the hotel or are you meeting with ‘the city’ from here?” He asked you using air quotes for ‘the city’ and smirking.

“I’m coming back to the hotel, thank you very much.” You rolled your eyes, but you knew he was just teasing you.

Chapter 5 it's fluffly london date and it was so much fun writing it, can't wait for you to read!

[migleefulmoments]

@ajw720...I wrote a thing

Oh you misguided little CCer.  Yes, let’s talk about the video from 10/30/15. 

(scroll down to watch the video.)

Ajw says: “Let’s Talk About that Video from October 30, 2015 shall we?  I am really glad I was reminded of this this AM as it truly highlights how much he LOVES Chris. But it is also an excellent comparison to the manner in which he talks about his girlfriend of 10,572 years”.  

The video doesn’t highlight how much Darren LOVES Chris Colfer.  It is a few random comments- stories he has told over and over and over again because Chris hates being talked about and these stories are already been told so they are safe fodder. You read too much into things and ignore what they are actually saying.

“In this segment of 4 minute and 10 seconds (prior to the song) Darren mentions the word(s) Chris or Chris Colfer a total of 8 times (I think the end is quick) as he recounts for what I believe is the 4thtime in a span of about 10 months the story of their first date. A night he remembers in detail. (funny, I have never once heard him talk about his first date with M as the fact remains, no one even knows when they actually started dating and the recent push is that it may have been even before he went to Italy, yet again changing the timeline)”

He won’t share his first date with Mia for several reasons- 1. it’s private and why should he 2. it was a first date, probably not that exciting 3. when would that come up in an interview? People care about the first time two costar spent time together. They don’t care about when Darren met his fiancée.. . and again It’s private.  Why the hell would he share that with us? Nobody SHOULD know the story or the date. That isn’t our business. 

People wanted to hear about Glee especially as it was ending.  They were coworkers in a job that was very significant to Darren’s current status as an entertainer making the story interesting to the audience  Repeating Chris’s name or saying his entire name is inconsequential to anything...it certainly doesn’t mean love.

“And remember, this show was 10 months after the last time he “publicly” saw one Mr. Chris Colfer.  A man he allegedly hates and only “kind of sort of hangs out with.” (sorry Chris but that quote is going to remain one of my favorites)”

The “Man date” story is safe ground to cover because it has been told over and over and over.  Darren likes to deflect from how own talent and talk about other people. He likes to set the stage for how generous Chris was when meeting Darren-a nobody- who was a nobody walking on to the set of a huge show. 

“Interesting. Let’s see. I believe, and correct me if I am wrong, I have heard him utter his lovely lady of many, many moons name publicly 3 times. The first time was in a radio interview right before Elsie 2015 which coincidentally aired about 3 or 4 days after the Alan Cumming version of mandate aired.  The 2nd on her Birthday during a live stream with Paul from Broadway.com. And the 3rd on his snapchat during Cats when he said she was taking over his phone as his battery had died. This is the grand total over the 10,572 years they have been dating. (But willing to bet we hear it again soon after they read this).”

You missed “My Darling MIa....” and also the time he posted in Insta that he is getting married to MIa and that he and Mia opened a bar baby. 

“What did Darren have to say about Chris in 4 minutes and 10 seconds:

The date he started filming he put together that “he would be linked to Chris Colfer’s character.”

“I went to Chris” (and asked him to go see Sutton as his friend “dropped out”) and when he described how his man agreed to go, Darren said “Oh Thank you, I was so touched he wanted to come along.”

We went to see Sutton Foster, me and Chris Colfer.

Darren next describes how he realized, on day 1, when he didn’t even know what would happen between Kurt and Blaine, that if the story took off “Chris and I will never ever go out in public together ever again” so Darren “needed to embrace the opportunity.”  It is AMAZING how Darren was able to foretell that. I mean at the time he was only signed for a limited number of episodes.  There was no actual plan for Kurt and Blaine to date. But Darren, being the fortune teller he was, knew he had to take this opportunity to take Chris on a date as he knew they would never be able to go out in public again.

“I love telling that story about Chris because I like telling how generous he is even though he was years younger than me. He was a big TV star, he like won a Golden Globe and I’m this new guy.”  Ok, so Darren actually does get one fact wrong, but I think its because he is so in awe of Chris’ accomplishments that he forgets that Chris did not in fact have a Golden Globe when they met. That happened a few months later.

“Very cool, I have nothing but good things to say about Chris Colfer.”

Darren messed up, claiming that Chris had a Golden Globe when they met because time had gone by and it didn’t matter that much to him- simple error. Time has a way of doing that. 

He claims he knew he couldn’t hang out with Chris if their characters dated- that isn't something he knew at the time but something that makes the story juicer. It gives context to the fact that they don’t hang out at all because the fans made it hard.  It’s just amping up the story. 

“And then, when Seth next asks him about singing live with Chris, he says (the beginning is quick so perhaps not 100% accurate) “Me and Chris, well Chris hates, hates when you talk about him.  He hates singing live, he hates it, he hates singing live.  Doesn’t like it.”  That is a lot of knowledge about  Chris Colfer that Darren has considering, again, he had not even seen the man in months and that are not even friends.”

I don’t know Chris Colfer and I Know that he hates singing live and that he hates when people talk about him. He has said so many times. You see, while YOU are paying attention to matching details in photos like they both wore plaid suits in 2018 and explaining TrueLoveAlways because they both like Harry Potter and Star Wars...I am listening to what these actually people say-using words- and I respect what they say because that is what grown ups do. 

“Let’s see what has he said about his girl over the entire course of their relationship as opposed to in 4 minutes 10 seconds:

“She’s a big girl, she can take care of herself.”

Darren would NEVER criticize fans in a goofy radio interview or a short fun entertainment setting.  He knows his audience and he knows when the time and place is appropriate to talk about horrible fans who attack his fiancée. 

“She is a very lovely lady I have been with for many, many moons.”

It’s private and I am not going to give you specifics about my private life.

“My partner in crime.”

he is endearingly calling the person who he lives his life with his “partner in crime”. He is making the analogy that his “life” is the “crime” here. I don’t know why you can’t understand this simple thing.  It is mind boggling that you won’t let this go as if it means something devious.   

“I’m a ball and chain kind of guy.”

Again he is defecting from speaking about his private life with a reporter. He’s calling himself the ball and chain... aka he’s a one woman man, old morning couple, you don’t care about us, move on to next question.

“She works at Fox” stated almost one year after she left their employ. Yes, they have tried to fix that and have since allowed her on set to fetch coffee and snap about 3 times since Darren made this statement, but she was not employed by Fox when this was stated, as proven by her own LinkedIn account and her going away party many months prior”.

Literally you are going with “proven by her own LinkedIn account” who updates their LinkedIn? We have no idea what special projects she was doing for Fox. What this really means is ajw wasn’t privy to the private life of Mia Swier.  Boohooo. Newsflash:  You can’t find everything on the inter webs.  The fact is-I know that Darren was there and there was NO reason for him to be there so if he says he was there because Mia was working for Fox then I have no reason to doubt that.

Has mentioned her wearing heels on multiple occasions. Ummm…..no, barely ever Darren.

Seriously? OMG the heels comment was a fucking ad.  How stupid can you be- Darren didn’t write that. THAT was a literally written by either the magazine or Darren’s PR team.  She wears heels every time she goes to a red carpet event. Just because the photo doesn’t show her feet doesn't mean she doesn’t have feet....or heels on. You get that right? 

Has stated how he has asked her not to share things on social media. Which she does all the time.

No, she doesn’t put anything on social media anymore. A few pics get posted with her in them...there is NOTHING in those photos that are private. Being in public places and at public events and posting a picture isn’t private life.  I know you want it to be so you can bitch but you sound unhinged when you do.  The truth is we don't know if Darren asked her to post or not to post. we have one story about one photo from Becca’s horrible podcast.  Darren would NEVER share an actual private moment with us. Mia’s IG is private-I know that PISSES you off so much. She rarely posts to Snapchat when they are going out to an event. Clearly Darren is in the picture and knows she is posting.  

I mean, I could go on and on and on. There have been many quotes, most of which have not been very kind. None of which have ever been loving. None of which have ever been gushing. None of which has made him revert back to the High School Darren talking about the person he has an enormous crush on. And none of which have been said while so much love is emoting from his entire persona.  

I am sure you could go on forever and ever. but none of it is important or factual or shocking. At the end of the day and your latest rant, the only thing that matters is that they are living their lives without you and you don’t matter to them. They are engaged and I know this because Darren Told us he was and his behavior has been consistent with a man who is about to get married. Shall we review: they had a bachelorette  weekend and a wedding shower that Darren attended. He has talked about planning a wedding many times. Lea acts like he is engaged. Three is nothing to suggest that he is lying. 

So you tell me. What is the truth here?  I think we all know

Yes we all know the truth: you are a conspiracy theorist who looks for patterns and makes up a ton of shit to fit your trope with no regard to how much you make Darren sound like a complete douche. 

[iohourtime]

Kiokuya (Memory Man) - Novel Spoiler (Part 3)

This is a continuation of the recap of Kiokuya (or Memory Man), the novel written by Origami Kyoya that Yamada Ryosuke’s new movie is adapted from. Since the novel has not been published in English, I’m posting a semi-detailed summary / recap of the story for anyone who wanted to know what this “horror” story is about. (Seriously, it’s not horror.)  There are obviously spoilers but it sounds like the movie will definitely change some of the plot. I made a couple of comments.  

All rights reserved to the author and Kadokawa.

Links to previous part(s): Part 1:  Prologue + Episode 1 Part 2: at present 1 + Episode 2 + at present 2

Episode 3: Calling for Moratorium*

*This chapter covers the story between Kaname and Misao. Ryoichi and Maki do not pop up until the “at present segment”, but there are some parallels. One thing I can't quite capture with the recap is Ryoichi & Maki’s relationship since their interactions are sprinkled throughout the book. I tried to add some of the Maki scenes even when it's not too relevant. The gist is that Ryoichi clearly saw Maki as a little sister but Maki could be jealous because her “big brother” was “taken” by another girl or she had a crush on him.

Also, since I don't have the manga, I don't know the official pronunciation for the names. The main characters should be fine because I got them from the sample manga.

Saza Misao was the one who brought Sekiya Kaname out of loneliness but she was also the one who pushed him back into the abyss.  They had known each other since childhood when Misao and her family moved next door.  His first impression of her was that she looked like a boy.  Her first impression of him was that he didn’t smile. There was a reason for it - Kaname’s mom just left the family for a younger man, only visiting her son once or twice a year.

Even though Kaname was aloof, Misako's sunny nature soon warmed his heart and they started doing everything together. Kaname had problems remembering Misao's name at first, so he called her Saza.

At that time, Kaname's uncle Masa was living with him and his dad. Since Kaname's dad threw himself at work and his mom only saw him once or twice a year, Masa and Misao were basically his only family. He only ever smiled when he was with them. That was something his uncle noticed too and he was grateful for his nephew's bubbly friend, whom Kaname saw as a boy.

Misao's family moved away after 3 years and Masa also found work with room and board provided. Still, he would come and help out at his beloved nephew's house.  When Kaname was in grade 4, Misao moved back. To him, even though she kept her short hair, she now looked like a girl.  They were still the best of friends when they were both 15.  Since Kaname was very quiet, his reserved nature had been interpreted by his classmates as a “mysterious aura”, so a lot of girls were interested in him.  At least that was what Misao told him. She had turned into a pretty young woman but she was still as warm as before and remained Kaname’s best (and only) friend.

One day, there was a trio of girls waiting for Kaname and gave him a letter asking him to go to the west staircase after school. He knew what was going to happen.

“I've been watching you in the library. I like you”, said the girl.

“Sorry. Can I go now?” Kaname replied coldly.

“Are you rejecting me because of Saza?”

“No, this has nothing to do with her.” Kaname was baffled that he had to explain himself. “I'm not dating Saza. I'm just not interested.” He turned around and left the girl. He just felt gross about the encounter.

………...

Kaname met his mom. Ever since she left them, she started to use more makeup and perfume. While he didn't hate her, he felt a headache whenever he had to see her. These girls / women said they liked our loved him but they didn't know him at all. Why was it so easy for them? He just felt disgusted.

………...

“Kaname”, Misao called out to him. What was she doing here? “Wait. Don't go yet!”

………..

Masa noticed Kaname acting strangely. He was trying to find out but his nephew just clamped up. Changing the topic, he asked, “Where's Misao?” “Who knows. It's not like we are in the same class.” Kaname replied coldly.

Masa bumped into Misao a couple of days later and tried to find out what happened. Misao didn't answer but kept a forced smile on her face. “I wonder if it is my fault.” Masa thought.

…………

“Masa! How are you?” Misao greeted him warmly yet another few days later. It seemed like whatever troubled her was gone.

“It's great to see you so happy. Do you want to come over to Kaname’s place for a cup of tea?  I don't think he's home yet but I have a key.” Masa said.

“Kaname… san? Who's he?” Misao replied.

What's going on? Masa thought.  At that moment, Kaname appeared.

“Oh, are you Kaname-kun? Nice to meet you.” Misao smiled brightly.

…………

Misao completely forgot about Kaname while remembering everything else. Her parents took her to the neurologist but they couldn't find anything wrong in the CT scans.

“I know you have some idea what happened,” Masa asked his nephew.

“No clue. I need to do homework.”

Masa watched his nephew and thought. “You must know that Misao liked you.  You must feel hurt at being forgotten.”

~~~~~~~~

Two months ago, Misao told Masa about her feelings for Kaname had grown beyond just friendship. “But I don’t think he sees me that way. I thought about confessing, but…” Misao was confused about what she should do.

Masa knew that his nephew was affected by his mother’s abandonment. Although they saw each other, he was always disgusted at how his mother changed. In some way, Kaname had associated love with these negative feelings towards his mother.  Masa knew how well Kaname and Misao got along and was hoping Kaname would find happiness with Misao.  He did not expect Misao to be rejected so heartlessly as well.

Coming out of his reverie, he saw a girl wearing a uniform visiting Misao. “She must be a classmate.”

~~~~~~~~

Masa went “home” more often to check on his nephew, whose only friend, the only person who could make him smile, had now become a stranger. He heard someone knocking on the door.

“Hi, it’s Misao! Mom asked me to bring over all this food.” Misao said cheerfully.

“Oh, do you want to join us?” Masa invited.

“Sorry, I already ate, but next time, tell me all about Kaname. I heard we were good friends since childhood and I think if we talk, I could get some memories back!”  To Kaname, “I’m really sorry I forgot about you…”

“It’s not your fault.” Kaname said without feelings.

“If we are such good friends, it is a shame that I cannot remember. I will try very hard to remember, Kaname-kun.”  Misao said before she left.

While Misao was still the friendly, kind girl she had always been, she no longer had that unspoken understanding with Kaname.

…………

“Are you OK with that?” Masa asked Kaname. “That she forgot about you.  Don’t you want to know why that happened?”  Kaname said he didn’t want to know and that there was nothing they could do.

“Is it the Memory Man?” A gentle female voice asked. “It’s the Memory Man erasing her memory at her request.”

“That’s just an urban legend.” Kaname said.

“Do you regret? Do you regret rejecting her?”  This person asked.

“... Even if she said the same thing to me know, I would still reject her. I have never wanted to think of Saza as a love interest.”

“Oh…. I think she knew as well.” The person left.

“Is that true?” Masa asked Kaname.

“When Saza confessed to me, all I thought was that I never expected it from her. I don’t want a relationship with anyone, I thought she was special and that she understood. I felt betrayed because of all people, I never wanted her to confess.”

“You didn’t say that to her, right?” Masa was alarmed.

“No, but I turned her down coldly. I always thought we could stay the same way forever, but one little ‘I love you” changed all that. We could no longer go back to our original relationship.  Every time I see her, I can only think about this… betrayal.” Kaname said.  “But I hurt her. I hurt her so much that she erased me from her memory.”

Masa knew that of all people, Misao would understand Kaname’s dilemma. She did not ask Memory Man to erase her memory because she couldn’t handle the rejection. She wanted to give Kaname what he wanted - a way to go back, but she couldn’t forget her love for him.  The only solution was to wipe Kaname off her mind, along with the love that was built over many years.  This way, they had a shot of starting over as friends without all the complications and hurt that came from her confession.  She did that because Kaname was her most important friend.

Kaname bowed his head. He didn’t know what to think.  All he knew was that tears were flowing from his eyes.

…………

Kaname was looking out the window and saw Misao talking with friends at school.  “I never wanted you to forget me.” His heart was filled with remorse.

“But it is too late.” Kaname remembered this low female voice. “If the memory is gone, it will never come back. But this was her wish.” She said. “Don’t try to make her remember you. It won’t happen. Right now you are just neighbours. Maybe if you try, you can be friends again?  Think of this as a second chance. The feelings of love is gone to make way for a lasting, platonic friendship. Then again, maybe she would fall in love with you again.”  She laughed and added “If that happens again, I can help you ‘eat’ those feelings again!”  She left Kaname alone to his thoughts.

Looking at Misao, Kaname made a decision. He walked to the school yard and said hello to Misao, albeit somewhat stiffly.  Misao gave him a bright smile.

at present 3

When Kaname let Ryoichi in, he listened to Ryoichi’s story. Ryoichi was worried Kaname would find his story incredulous, but turn out he did not have to worry...

“She did it for me. Even though I didn’t want her to do that, but do I have the right to be angry? I was the one who desperately wanted our relationship to go back to normal at first.”

Although Kaname was filled with regret when he told his side of the story, Ryoichi did not sense any anger at Memory Man.  They went over to Misao’s house to talk. Ryoichi kept to his cover as a university student doing a research paper on Memory Man.

“Memory Man? That is a popular urban legend at school, but it sounds kind of ridiculous.  Oh, you don’t want to ask me what I know about this story? You want to hear about how I lost my memory? It’s not too exciting.”  Misao said apologetically. “Well, when I first lost my memory of Kaname, my friends were all like ‘Memory Man erased your memory!’ But I don’t believe he exists.” Ryoichi was surprised at how nonchalantly she was talking about this.

“It is such a shame I forgot all about our friendship from before, but we are pretty good friends now, so I don’t feel like I’ve really lost anything.” She added. “Besides, I would never want to do that. Even if I am sad, I want to learn from this pain. I will never ask anyone to take away my memory.”

Ryoichi couldn’t really respond to her.  After they finished talking, he went back to Kaname’s apartment to ask about the person who bothered her before.  The description definitely sounded like ICO and Ryoichi promised to try and get her to stop coming around to harass Misao.  Before he left, he asked Kaname. “Most people who spoke with Memory Man cannot remember what he looked like. Do you remember anything?”

“I can’t remember much but I got this feeling it’s a woman.  It’s weird. I don’t remember anything else, but I have this strong feeling I spoke to a woman.”

Ryoichi had always imagined Memory Man to be a guy. Perhaps it was that recurring dream about Maki and the tall man in a coat. “Could he or she have controlled your memory? Rewritten it in the way he or she wanted to be remembered?”  Kaname wasn’t sure.  

“But if he or she can erase your encounter as well, why would there be these bits and pieces in your head? Maybe Memory Man’s powers are not very stable?  Or maybe he or she wanted people to remember a just enough so that the urban legend can spread?  Then, why was all my memory of the encounter wiped?” Ryoichi asked rhetorically. “Maybe somehow, Memory Man was worried about my investigation and decided to use more force?”

………...

When Ryoichi got home, his mom had a mysterious smile on her face.  “Maki said your older girlfriend was looking for you.  Oh, she said you were out meeting another younger woman.  Son, you need to pace yourself.”

That uninvited visitor must be ICO. If she was not sending information by email, she must have found something important that must be discussed face-to-face.  He walked upstairs and found Maki in his room.  “Why are you still here?”

“I am spying on you to make sure you are not bringing strange woman back to your room!” Maki said, glaring at him. “Your girlfriend from last time came to see you. I wish I told her you were out with another girl!”

“Not my girlfriend. Neither one.” Ryoichi decided to tell her part of the truth. “Remember I was researching Memory Man for the school project? I was just interviewing people who have unexplained memory losses.  She basically forgot all about her childhood best friend.”

“Childhood friend? Kinda like us.”  Maki said, looking into Ryoichi’s eyes.  “...I think I understand her feelings.”

“Don’t you think it is wrong? After your memory is erased, it is not something you can get back even if you have second thoughts later on.” Ryoichi said.

“I guess… But if it were me… if I can erase that memory, I will. Not because I find the rejection tough to swallow… it is because I want to be with the person I love, even if this is the only way that will give me a chance.”

Did Maki have these ideas because she was speculating after hearing Misao and Kaname’s story? Or was she already thinking about this sort of thing?  Ryoichi was not sure.

…………

After Maki left, Ryoichi emailed ICO and DD to report back. He didn’t go back to the chat room.

ICO and DD never responded.

Continue to part 4.

[unchartedterritoria]

Dangerous (Sam Drake x OC) - Chapter 20

This chapter was hard to get started and then just came flowing out. I promise a lighter chapter soon!

WARNING: There is mention of suicide in this chapter. It’s a dark chapter.

You can read past chapters on A03, as well as read this current one if you don’t wanna read it here:

A03 Chapter 20 Link

“You sure we're out of museums?” Faith asked.

“Yup, the drunk bastard's house was the last one on the list,” Sam answered her.

“How do you know Hemingway was a drunk?”

“Weren't all the 'great' American authors drunks?”

Faith thought about it for a second and shrugged her shoulders in agreement.

As the prospects of finding a link between Mudd and Key West were beginning to dry up faster and faster, Faith and Sam decided to switch the focus of their search to the phrase branded into the barrel. The Third Artillery. They found no mention of it in any of the history books they had, which left what hope Faith had left waning. Sam on the other hand, who was trying to hold on to his diminishing optimism, had another idea.

Faith and Sam rounded the corner of the block. A basic, black wrought iron fence ringed the Key West Cemetery. Beyond the barrier sat 19 acres of eccentric island graveyard. Each headstone, each marker, each crypt had a unique twist that embodied the essence of the island itself. White mausoleums, faded with age, stretched along segments of the fence. They dwarfed the other single person crypts, five rows of final resting places resided in the tall buildings.

Sam strode through the gate and under the large metal archway into the cemetery as if on a breeze while Faith trudged slowly through, the unease of all of the dead people inside doing a tap dance on her stomach. Nervous perspiration began to form at her temples and mingled with the beads of sweat already there from the heat.

It's just a cemetery. It's not like you know anyone buried here. You got this Faith; you got this.

“You ok?”

The sound of Sam's voice shook her brain loose from the anxiety that was trying to grab hold.

"Yeah, I'm good," she said.

“Then let get moving,” He said, nodding his head forward.

Faith blew out a heavy breath, quickly caught up to Sam and fell into step next to him to explore the sprawling graveyard.

A small, green sedan with Georgia plates parked underneath one of the massive palm trees which lined the street that led to the entrance to the cemetery. The man in the driver's seat watched as Sam and Faith walked up the wide lane, the graves flanking them on either side. He kept his distance. When he was sure he was out of earshot, he slid out of the driver's seat and closed the door behind him. Stowing a small handgun in the holster hidden under his billowing shirt and a cellphone in his pocket, he began to follow them. He kept a reasonable distance, but never took his beady eyes off the pair walking a couple of rows ahead of him.

Faith made sure to grab one of the maps for the self-guided walking tour of the cemetery when they came in. After a few blocks in, she produced the glossy pamphlet from her back pocket.

“Where's their section for the military?” Sam asked.

"I don't see a designated military part, so I'm guessing they're just spread all over," Faith shook her head and scanned the numerous gravestones around her.

“Shit,” He grumbled as he produced a smoke from his shirt pocket, giving it a light.

Good thing it's a full pack, he thought to himself, I'm gonna need it if I have to look at every goddamn tombstone in this place.

“So, I gotta ask, how do you know so much about a town you've never been to?” Sam asked, his words accented with an exhaled plume of smoke.

Faith smiled as she stared at the long worn in ruts of the cemetery road under her feet.

"When I was around 15 or 16, my mom decided that we should go on vacation when I graduated high school. She let me pick where we would go, and I picked Key West. Before we went, I wanted to know all about where we were going, so I read up on the city and its people and its history. You know, like the geek that I am. Then graduation came and..." Faith shrugged her shoulders with a defeated sigh.

Sam nodded knowingly while he walked beside her. He knew that expression. He'd spent most of his teenage life wearing it.

"We tried to go again when I graduated college. We got closer that time! We had the money for it then, and we were all ready to book it, but then my mom got sick, and that was that." Faith's voice went soft and quiet as she reached the end of her story.

“She was sick for a pretty long time, huh?” Sam said as his eyes scanned the text of the tombstones as they walked by them.

Faith picked at her cuticles. "Since I was eleven. That was the last time I remember her being healthy."

“Cancer?”

"Self-destruction."

Faith's answer caused Sam to look at her; his face wore a look of confusion.

“Ok,” She began with a deep breath, “My parents loved each other. I mean, really loved each other. I'm talking Gomez and Morticia Addams level of love; you know what I mean?"

Faith continued after Sam nodded his head, his full attention focus on Faith's story, the cemetery falling away around him.

"And that shit's rare. I knew that when I was little but I didn't really understand just how special and how rare that intense, 'compliment and complete each other' kind of love was until I was a lot older. Anyway, my parents went on vacation. There was an accident. My dad got hurt and ended up in a wheelchair with brain damage."

“How bad?” Sam interjected.

“Before it, he was a music teacher, did piano accompaniment that kinda thing. And after it, he couldn't play anymore; he couldn't remember how to either."

“That's a tough hand to be dealt,” Sam said as he ground the butt of his cigarette into the grass with his boot.

“Yeah it was, and mom tried her best. Quit her job, took care of him full time. Then one day, two years later, he told her he was tired and put a shotgun in his mouth,” Faith said very matter of fact.

“Jesus,” Sam exclaimed in a low voice.

Faith's eyes hardened. “Yeah, I don't think he was there that day,” she said through pursed lips.

Her retort caught him off guard and made him stop in his tracks while she continued forward without breaking her stride.

Sam wanted to tell her that she didn't have to talk about this. That she could tell him to fuck off and mind his own business and that would be alright, but Sam had a feeling this was something that needed to be said.

"Ma kept it together pretty well in the beginning. She was strong for me; I was strong for her. Between going back to work and getting me through high school she didn't really have time to fall apart, you know? Then I went to college, and it was like this depression just... consumed her. She stopped taking care of herself. I'd come home on weekends and take care of her, try and distract her, get her out of her head and out of the house. But it just didn't work. She kept fixating on dad and why he did it and why didn't she stop him and yadda, yadda, yadda. And after ten years, her body just broke down. Kidneys stopped working, infections all the time, her muscles atrophied. She couldn't walk anymore so she couldn't work. For ten years I tried to get her to fight, tried to make her want to live. But in the end, she said she was tired, and she didn't want to fight anymore. So I had to let her go," Faith finished with her head hung down. She willed herself to keep it together and not cry. Instead, she continued to stare down at her shoes intently while they walked.

Her story sat in Sam's throat like a sticky ball. Some of it had felt so chillingly familiar. A mother giving up on life, depression, suicide, being left alone. The story had echoed that of his teenage years with the loss of his mother and ending up in an orphanage with Nathan. For one of the few times in his life, he didn't know what to say. He wanted to tell her he understood, that he understood deep down on a level that only a person that has lost a parent at a young age could.

Instead, Sam put his hand on her shoulder and gently pulled her in close next to him while they walked. He tilted his head, letting it rest on the top of hers.

The action was more sincere and heartfelt for Faith than any 'I'm sorry' ever could be.

They walked like that for a few more steps. Unable to deal with the sad, maudlin feeling anymore, she broke from his grasp and turned around to face him while she walked backward.

"But hey! I made it! I'm here!" Faith said with a grin as she stretched her arms out. She saw Sam smile back at her, but the small guy in the distance caught her eye. He was only a row or two back from their current position. There were other people in the cemetery, tourists on bikes, the occasional work truck of the groundskeeper. What grabbed her attention was his shoes. White penny loafers with no socks that stood out under his light tan slacks.

Definitely not appropriate footwear, I don't care how Miami Vice it looks, she thought to herself.

The man in the insensible shoes looked ahead to see Faith staring at him. He quickly slowed his pace and began to find the small mausoleum next to him very interesting, giving it his full attention.

Despite the looming threat of being found by Jasper's people, Faith had tried to keep her paranoia to a minimum. She knew if she were suspicious and freaked out about every person she passed in Key West, she would be a complete mess. She had been doing well until now. Those out of place shoes though. They sent a quiver up her back as if someone dragged their thumbnail up her spine. Faith shook it off, keeping the expression on her face light and airy.

“Let me see the map,” Sam asked, bringing himself to a stop and holding out his hand. Faith handed the sweat softened map to him.

Sam unfolded it carefully, his face contorted with a look of playful disgust.

“Didn't you just grab this at the gate?”

“Oh bite me. It's warm out,” She said with a wave of her hand as she stood next to him to read over his shoulder.

"I think here's probably our best shot." Sam pointed at a small square with a picture of an anchor that read 'USS MAINE MEMORIAL.'

“Yeah, but let's snake our way through the place, see if any of the graves in here mention 3rd Artillery.”

Sam refolded the damp map and put it in his back pocket.

“Alright sister, you lead the way.”

Faith chanced a small glance behind her, the man in the white shoes was nowhere to be seen.

Faith made her way through the cemetery with a lightness that came from the person next to her, Sam. She had entered the graveyard full of dread and trepidation, all but convinced that a panic attack was looming in her not so distant future. Instead, she ended up talking about the one thing that had sent her into countless states of anxiety and discomfort for the past six months, her mother, her father even. She had never told anyone about what happened with her father before, in the hopes of keeping conversations airy; the mention of suicide tends to really bring down the room. When people asked her about him, she always said, 'he passed away' and left it at that. But something in Sam, in his kind eyes, in his easygoing personality, acted as a truth serum for her. It brought down walls in Faith that had been built up brick by brick, leaving a wall that was mortared together with avoidance and hardened solid with the passage of time. Faith's wall had started to crumble and the sheer terror that she had anticipated with it, hadn't come. Instead, it was a feeling of refreshment, cleansing, and comfort.

[aristotles-denial]

alright @the-one-percent-of-germs asked for the tally hall lore here’s what i remember off the top of my head w/ very minor fact checking w/ wikipedia. it’s gonna be so very wrong 🤗😇😝 it’s all under the cut bc it’s long as hell. edit like a day later after i put this in my drafts: actually nvm i need to go on my computer to do that so i’m posting it anyway wheeeeeeeeeeee

squad up! i like this photo bc it looks like they were all told completely different news right before the photo was taken. ok so you have:

rob cantor (yellow tie). guitarist & vocalist. actually they’ve all sung for the band so i’m gonna stop saying vocalist, just assume they’re all vocalists

ross federman (gray tie). a complete king. they’re all kings. drummer. i actually lied he’s only sung in two (2) of their songs and one of those (Hymn For a Scarecrow) was only backing vocals while the other (Mucka Blucka) is chicken noises

zubin sedghi (blue). bassist. fun fact he’s a doctor now

joe hawley (red). guitarist. i fucking love joe. they are all fantastic but i’m sorry my favoritism is gonna be pretty clear throughout this

andrew horowitz (green). keyboardist 😎

once upon a time in a far away land called michigan, five worlds collided. andrew is from new jersey but the Rest are from michigan, and they all met at, you guessed it: the university of michigan. wild. i’m pretty sure rob and zubin went to high school together, but they all ended up meeting up there ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ spoiler alert! they make a band called Tally Hall, named after a shopping center nearby

wait FUCK i lied. i forgot about steve. this guy:

steve gallagher, the og gray tie & drummer. he’s in the music video for Banana Man. i have No Clue why he left the band but hey now we got ross!

SHIT THERES ALSO BORA

bora karaca. orange tie. honorary member. roadie, friend, whistler, etc etc. tally hall’s wikipedia also says he’s their mascot! he also toured w/ them in 2011, and has a hand in some of their solo acts. check out his band Cojum Dip, which is described as an “avant-garde jazz metal band”. Waltz in E-major, Op. 15 “Moon Waltz” is so fucking good

back to business. in 2004 andrew wins some john lennon scholarship award for writing Good Day. sick! then in 2005 the squad releases their album Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum, named after a museum in the aforementioned tally hall shopping center w/ a ton of automatons & mechanized stuff. the album art (which joe helped design) features a good amt of the curiosities from the museum as well. they then re-released the album under their new record label in 2008

alright 2008. big year. mmmm is rereleased. alongside it there’s some great music videos. pretty sure joe directed them bc he did some film stuff in college idk. ik he directed Banana Man’s video at the very least. speaking of! the music video for banana man becomes insanely popular on the website albino blacksheep, gaining them a lotta fans. score!

also in 2008 they released their Tally Hall Internet Show, which you can find on youtube. it’s very funny i highly recommend watching it. they released a good amt of their music videos in the show’s episodes as well. but seriously it’s real funny. watch it. now. i really like the Death Wish and Two Wuv episodes, where (among other things) zubin dies & the rest of the band has to kill ross and the gang goes on a search for mary kate & ashley olson only to end up lost in the woods & an abandoned carnival. ALSO YOU KNOW WHAT I REALIZED RECENTLY?? that Two Wuv is supposed to be “true love” in a baby voice. oh my fucking god. bora also got his own segment called 15 Seconds of Bora

abt mmmm’s tracks. they all fucking slap. except for Be Born sorry rob. my friend once told me that she associates me w/ Greener bc it reminds her of the year 2009?? i’m extremely partial to joe’s songs bc i’m in love w/ his voice. those first few lines in ruler of everything that aren’t in the lowered voice? absolutely fucking gorgeous, he makes it seem so effortless and just hrngh… and in hidden in the sand… some other highlights: all of The Bidding + i think ross did the auctioneer’s voice toward the end of it. spring and a storm is SO. GOOD. it makes me SOB. 13 being the 13th track & 13 seconds long *chefs kiss*. i love how 13 flows so easily into ruler of everything. the sudden volume increase in hidden in the sand is heavenly. i could wax poetic (ha!) about the genius that is Haiku for years but basically it’s a song abt not being able to write a haiku and every single verse is just one syllable away from being haikus; go look at the genius page for it it’s insane. i love the audio samples of ppl talking throughout the album & overall just how fun it is. oh Dream is gorgeous too

more: 2007-8 rob, joe, & zubin are in the disney preschoolers show called The Happy Monsters Band where they write & perform the music. tally hall performs a version of Good Day in simlish for the Sims 2 soundtrack. they make a cover of Smile Like You Mean It by The Killers for the show The O.C., and it’s great. they also have a great cover of Just A Friend by biz markie which you can find on spotify. here’s a youtube playlist full of their covers, live music, unreleased songs, demos, good day in simlish, etc etc (all the covers are first so you’ll have to scroll a lil to get to the rest). listen to (I Know) It’s Just The Same and you’ll be a changed person. same goes for all the mind electric demos. oh AND ross singing Everyday by buddy holly 🥺 the Ballad of Nathan Naimark is abt a fan who won their raffle or whatever to get a song written abt them. joe’s falsetto during live versions of Welcome to Tally Hall is exquisite. there’s a vid of them performing Just A Friend live where joe says “chicken nugget” at the Perfect moment for no reason at all. it’s all wild you’ll have to dig through it and consume it all

moving on! 2011 rolls around and they release their second album, Good & Evil, which is all about duality. again i’m really partial to joe’s songs BUT Cannibal and The Trap are also great yay zubin. and of course Never Meant To Know holds a special place in my heart. You is also very sweet. fun fact! A Lady is a reprise of &. Turn the Lights Off becomes popular along w/ its music video. once again joe’s like “watch this” then just effortlessly sings the stunning Hymn For a Scarecrow (the HUMMING. THE HUMMING IS SO GOOD!!! and ross’s “the wind knows” 🥺). another fun fact! the official lyrics of the first line of & are “Love of the S*n”, the asterisk leaving ambiguity as to whether they mean “son” or “sun”. Fate of the Stars is in three parts and is reminiscent of hawaii: part ii (which i’m getting to)

for whatever reason the band “goes on hiatus” after good & evil. have been ever since. i think creative differences. which means we get some sweet, sweet solo projects. again there’s a lotta joe favoritism sorry abt that

ross - goes back to school, gets a phd, becomes a dj called “mr f”. king shit

zubin - goes back to school, becomes a doctor, now has a wife & 2 kids :D

andrew - releases a ton of piano stuff (that i haven’t listened to Whoops) under the name edu. also has a lotta credits to his name, like he’s worked with john legend and janelle monae, among others

rob - releases his solo album Not A Trampoline in 2014. i recommend I’m Gonna Win, Perfect, and Lonely (But Not Alone). fun fact I’m gonna win was originally written for tally hall as the song All of my friends. but his most well known achievement is the infamous song Shia Labeouf! zubin and bora also feature in that song. rob now writes nursery rhymes for disney

joe - ok here we go! he returned to school but he’s also released two albums and three (four?) singles:

in 2012, under the name Miracle Musical, joe released the single Variations On a Cloud, which also features rob! there’s a music video for it as well, though warning bc it’s a tribute to 9/11 and shows some graphic images. OH it also samples ruler of everything!! there’s a live version from sonic lunch on the youtube playlist i linked above where joe then immediately segues into Jump by van halen and it adds so many layers to the song

later that same year still under the name Miracle Musical, joe releases the album Hawaii: Part II, which features rob, ross, zubin, and bora at various points. almost all of the songs are some of my all time faves. Introduction to the Snow has that nice old times feel that hidden in the sand has. Stranded Lullaby is fucking STUNNING. Murders is also great. Black Rainbows has the names of colors being sung in hawaiian over ross’s drums and it WORKS. Labyrinth is a nice change of pace, being a rap. but the top two by FAR are The Mind Electric and Dream Sweet in Sea Major. i’ll start with the latter. dream sweet in sea major, like fate of the stars, has multiple movements. it encompasses the entire album & samples a good amt of the other songs + variations on a cloud and is a great (and beautiful) way to wrap up the album. but imo the crowning achievement is The Mind Electric

THE MIND ELECTRIC. fucking fantastic. the first three minutes (2:49 to be exact) of the track is backwards. the rest of it is forward, but it includes a lotta samples & weird lil bits so i’d start off w/ this version w/o the backwards pt or the samples. if you can handle flashing then i recommend the music video bc it’s cool & fits w/ the song’s theme. speaking of! the song was originally written as Inside the Mind Of Simon for tally hall. the meaning of it is up for interpretation, though everyone agrees it has to do w/ insanity and the protagonist being administer electroshock therapy. my fave interpretation is that the protagonist wasn’t originally “insane” but after pleading guilty by reason on insanity for a crime he committed, became “insane” bc of the treatment & electroshock after. it’s an absolute outstanding song and is what got me into tally hall. once again joe’s voice is Amazing. the little “fee fi fo fum” in the background”? the sampling of the whistling from Labyrinth? “see how they fall” in the background? the sampling adding to the chaotic mood? and of COURSE. the fucking. THE BRIDGE!!! is SO amazing and a Great change of pace and i just shsjdhssfsf oh my god

ok. whew. in 2016 joe, under his regular name, releases the album Joe Hawley Joe Hawley, a “comedy hip hop album”, though it isn’t made available on spotify just yet. in 2019 he releases γɘlwɒH ɘoႱ γɘlwɒH ɘoႱ, which is a reversed version of jhjh, on spotify; all songs are in reverse except for Aristotle’s Denial which was such a relief at the time bc that is by far my favorite on the album (hence my url); the kazoos, the heavy rock, and then the change in tone & joe’s beautiful voice, just *chefs kiss*. finally! in 2020 joe releases jhjh on spotify, though aristotle’s denial is now in reverse while the others are normal. he didn’t release it right away bc there’s just so much sampling used in the music that he needed to avoid copyright issues. bora, andrew, ross, and zubin all feature on the album. off of jhjh i recommend (other than aristotle’s denial of course):

joe hawley attacks - it’s as self-referential as you can get. Black People White People - “people who were born to indonesian single moms in 1957” BARS but also it’s a genuinely good song. Crazy Food - a short sampling of Scarborough Fair by simon & garfunkel leading into a rap that’s just a vegan grocery list. it’s stellar. Rotary Park - a Gorgeous song featuring zubin abt the time they got mugged. sorta gives me misery fell vibes. Bahamian Rap City - obviously a reference to bohemian rhapsody, it starts off w/ immaculate vocals once again and then goes into a nonsensical rap(?) abt who knows what but it sounds good! there’s a good amt of spanish in there as well. Go To Bed - a nice closing song thats just a bop and makes me wanna do anything But go to bed

joe has released five singles since then. Special from 2017 and Weird Bed &/Or Yes Please from 2019 are both very good

aaaaaaaaaaand there you have it! the (more or less) tally hall lore that sorta just turned into album reviews! i just spent like an hour writing this when i should be doing my summer work whoopsie 😳

that sense of almost overwhelming euphoria when you’ve found an opening to introduce a friend to your favorite artist and all their lore #relatable

[porterblt]

Birth Story

Finally sitting down to write this out! Probably going to separate it into segments for ease of remembering?

Pre-Game:

April 21, my due date, came and went. I wasn’t necessarily expecting to go into labor, but I was hoping at least something would happen. Chris I had gone on a long walk around the neighborhood, and by the end of it, I was more crampy/uncomfortable than usual. I also thought he had dropped a bit lower, but wasn’t really sure. Either way, I was still pregnant AF. We went to bed.

Around 3am, I woke up with (what felt like) a painful contraction. I psyched myself up, but I ended up drifting back to sleep and nothing happened. Around 5am, Chris got up to pee and then I got up after him. When I sat up, it felt like a small gush came out. I wasn’t sure if I had peed myself (that has never happened?) and it was really hard to tell. I got up, went to the bathroom, and still couldn’t tell. The more I would bear down, the more fluid would come out. I called the OB on call, and after some back and forth (I was indecisive), she told me to go to St. Mary’s. I told Chris, and after he woke up, he immediately started cleaning the kitchen. LOL. I was shakily packing up my bag and trying to remember everything I needed, and the longer I went, the more I could feel the fluid leaking out when I bent over/lifted something/etc. When I was nearly ready, I realized that Chris had barely packed and was cleaning dishes and wiping the counter top. I finally got him to pack up his bag, and then he nervously was like, “Do you think I have time to take a shower?” CHRIS, my water broke and it’s been 30 minutes! We finally got all of our shit together and then went to the Hospital.

We got there around 6am, and had to get screened for Covid at the entrance. They took our temperatures and gave us stickers (Chris got a wrist band) and then we went to the 3rd floor to get checked in. A nurse got me situated and started an IV. A midwife came in and checked me - I was already 90% effaced, 3cm dilated, and he was -1! I had no idea I was that far along - the last I heard, I was only 1cm. She said she was really impressed by how good of a start I had. We talked about contractions (I hadn’t really had any yet) and decided that I would try to get them started by doing things around the room (couldn’t walk the halls in the hospital, unfortunately) and if I didn’t start on my own by 11am, we’d do Pitocin.

Shift change happened at 7am and I had a really sweet older nurse named Lynette, who would come check on me periodically and talk our ears off for a little while. Dr. Serrah was the dayshift OB and introduced herself - she was super nice. Then Chris and I spent the next ~5 hours just hanging out in the room. It was actually pretty pleasant. I’d get the occasional contraction, we’d have snacks, watch TV, text our relatives, etc. Finally in the late morning, Lynette was saying, “I think it’s time to start the medicine. You didn’t come here for a vacation - we’ve gotta have that baby.” So we started the Pitocin.

Labor:

I’d heard horror stories about Pitocin and how it caused super intense, awful contractions. Thankfully, she started at a pretty low dose and the contractions weren’t that bad. I didn’t even really start going into labor until 11:45 or 12. When they hit, they were like period cramps. After a while, Lynette checked on me and said, “Ok, let’s bump it up.” I’d do a nervous laugh every time she said that. I told Chris it was like the machine in the Pit of Despair from Princess Bride. Each level would make you feel worse and worse. It was like, “Oh, you’re not uncomfortable enough. Let’s change that.” Then, around 1pm, we started hearing a woman across the hall yelling. We just looked at each other nervously. Her yelling became bellowing, which became shrieking. Lynette would come to check on me, increase the medication dose yet again, and then we’d listen to the screaming lady. Oh, and this whole time I was basically doing squats, bouncing on an exercise ball, pacing the room, etc. She said that I needed to do things to get him lower into my pelvis, which would make the contractions more intense and more effective.

Finally Lynette was like, “You’ve been up for a while, do you want to get in bed and rest for a bit? You need to save your energy for when things really get going!” By this time I was already starting to feel a bit uncomfortable, and was like “Oh, ahahah yeah, when things get going...” Also, I had no idea I was allowed to rest in bed! I clumsily climbed in and she was like, “Let me get the peanut ball!” and came back with this giant, peanut-shaped exercise ball to keep in between my knees. That way Everett could still work his way down into my pelvis while I was lying down. I was somehow able to doze a little bit, and then Chris decided to step out for a few minutes to walk around and get some air. Of course, about 10 minutes after he left the contractions started to get pretty bad. I didn’t have my phone (it was plugged in and sitting in the chair next to my bed, out of reach) and I weakly called out, “Hey, Siri!” trying to get it to text Chris and tell him to come back. I got out of bed with great difficulty, and Lynette came back in to check on me. She gave me my phone and I was able to text Chris, which he didn’t respond to. The contractions were getting way more intense and close together, and I was getting to the point where I wasn’t able to really stand or talk while each one was happening. I told Lynette that I was feeling like it was time for the epidural. She opened up my fluids to get my blood pressure up and called the anesthesiologist. This was maybe around 2:15? I finally called Chris and told him to come up. He was like “Oh yeah, sorry!” and he hurried back up to me. He had been walking around the courtyard and then in the chapel. He had ended up being gone for about 40 minutes. He immediately came over and was helping me stay steady through each contraction. They were pretty rough. They were like really strong period cramps that went up my back and down to my thighs.

After another phone call, the anesthesiologist finally moseyed into the room and started the epidural around 3:15. I was pretty nervous about what the pain would be, and it was hard not to imagine the needle going into my back. It definitely felt weird and hurt, but the pain was so fleeting and before I knew it, the procedure was done. After about 5 minutes, Everett’s heart rate started to go down with each contraction, and my blood pressure was getting a little low. Lynette picked up on this right away, and when she checked me she said, “OH. Wow. you’re nearly 10cm!” She hit the call button and urgently asked for help to set up the room. A couple of people came in and started setting things up. I looked over at Chris and suddenly started crying. I was so scared, and things went so fast! I had literally just gotten the epidural! Lynette kept saying, “She’s 9cm and a lip!” I had no idea what that meant, though she finally explained that the only thing that was preventing me from being 10cm was a tiny part of my cervix on one side. The doctor came in and checked me, and confirmed that I was nearly 10cm. They started asking my if I noticed contractions, and I was like, “Oh, I’ve been having contractions this whole time! I forgot!” It was amazing how numb I got, and how quickly it happened! I could still move my legs, but they were very heavy. My skin was totally numb - it was like being at the dentist and touching the side of my face and not being able to feel it. By this time, the next nurse came in (I forgot her name!! Kylie maybe?) and she was pretty nice. I was sad to see Lynette go, because we had made it all morning and I was hoping she’d be there to deliver the baby. They had me get into different positions with my legs propped up, hoping to get that last bit of cervix to open up. Lynette stuck around for a little bit to keep charting, but she eventually left around 4:15. I kept doing stuff with the peanut ball and finally around 5pm, the doctor came back in to check me. She was like, “Yep, we’re at 10cm! Looks like it’s time to start pushing!”

Pushing:

I was nervously like, “Oh, ok!” and looked over at Chris with panic in my eyes, hah. She and Kylie got my legs into the stirrups and described vaguely what I needed to be doing. I had to put my mask on for this part. By this time I was able to feel a weird pressure whenever there was a contraction, but it wasn’t painful. It felt a little bit like I needed to poop. Dr. Serrah said, “Ok, here’s another contraction. On the count of three, you’re going to push! One, two, three!” I pushed hard, and felt this warm fluid shoot out. I was super confused and thought that more amniotic fluid came out. Turns out, I peed everywhere!! Because of the epidural I couldn’t feel my bladder and I had no idea that I even had to go. They chuckled and I was SUPER embarrassed. They used a catheter and emptied my bladder (which I couldn’t feel at all, THANK GOD). We waited a couple more minutes, and then during the next contraction I pushed. It must’ve been a pretty weak couple of pushes, because Dr. Serrah was like, “Ok, well I’ll leave you with Kylie for a bit and she’ll help you work on those pushes!” and she rolled out. I was a little surprised, I thought pushing meant things would start happening quickly? Apparently not. With each contraction, I was taking super deep breaths, which made me cough, which prevented me from being able to push effectively. I finally got my breathing sorted out, and we worked out a system. I rolled on my side, and when a contraction came, I’d take a deep breath and push for ten seconds, then take a deep breath, then push for ten more seconds, take a deep breath, and then push one more time for ten seconds. We did this throughout three contractions, then I rolled onto my back and we repeated it. I finally got the hang of what correct pushing needed to feel like. It literally was like trying to push out a giant poop. That’s what it felt like. And it felt like the poop wasn’t getting ANY closer. Eventually I started to feel more discomfort with each push. I rotated to my right side, then to my left, then on my back...I don’t know how many times I pushed, but it was over an hour. Finally it was getting really painful and I asked Kylie if I could crank up the epidural a little more. She was like, “Oh, well, you’re going to feel some pressure. It’s not going to get rid of all the pain.” Ok, I can handle a lot of pressure. But as we went on, the pressure turned into the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. To the point where I was crying and pleading with Chris, saying that I was afraid to push and didn’t think I could do it because it was so painful. I was holding his hands and squeezing them so hard. Finally, something in me just gave in and I pushed through the pain. With each push, I locked eyes with Chris and he helped me through it. They kept saying “You’re so close, he’s nearly here! You’re so close!!” and I’d suffer through another push, but then he still wouldn’t be there. Then finally, as I was hitting my breaking point, they said, “PUSH!!” and I pushed and pushed and then there was this horrific pain and then I saw a head come out, and within seconds the rest of his body came out. Then within another few seconds, he was dried off and on my chest. It was amazing and so surreal. I was completely exhausted, but I had this tiny, slimy baby on my chest. Chris was next to me, just staring at Everett and sobbing. He was officially born at 1855. I delivered the placenta (which I vaguely felt) and then she started assessing the damage from delivery. Everett was so quiet and sweet, and Chris was taking videos of him. Because of his little head facing away and the position of my mask, I had no idea what he looked like. After 5 or so minutes, I said, “Chris, what does he look like? Can you show me a picture?” Chris took a picture and showed me on his phone. I saw a little wet face and two big eyes that were just looking around, taking in their new world. They had Chris cut the umbilical cord (which I think he didn’t really want to do, hahah) and then we all just laid there quietly. Chris sent pictures and videos to the family and we just soaked it all in.

While we were in baby bliss, there were lots of people bustling in and out of the room. The doctor told me that I had two tears and that she was stitching them up for me. I felt them and it hurt, but it seemed minuscule compared to what I had already gone through. After about an hour, they took Everett over to get weighed and measured. 8lbs 1oz, and 21 1/4 inches long. Our little boy!! They swaddled him up and gave him to Chris. Held him for the first time, and it was completely beautiful. I took a couple of pictures. He just held Everett and looked down at his tiny face. They gave him back to me and then a Mother Infant nurse came in to talk to us for a few minutes. They were going to give me more time to recover and be monitored, and then we were going to get rolled over to the MIU. I tried to nurse Everett and he did it for an hour! He probably only got like, three drops out, but it was so sweet and I just stared at him the entire time. We just kept lying around and soaking it all in until about 9:30pm, when we got wheeled over to our new room. We met our new nurse, Sam, and then got settled. Chris went to Sonic (one of the only restaurants open) and got me a cheeseburger and milkshake. I was starving and exhausted, but so so happy. We called our families and talked to them for a bit. Then we settled in for the night.

Recovery:

This part is kind of a blur, because all the days kind of melted together. We were there until Friday morning, when we got discharged. The first night I got mayyyybe three hours of sleep? I was in a bit of pain, and I knew I had to wake Everett up every 2 hours to feed him. Again, I felt like I had no milk and wasn’t really sure how to feed him, but I was doing my best. Chris slept on the window seat that doubled as a bed (we called it his “shelf,” haha). The nurse would pop in every few hours to check his and my vital signs, but for the most part she gave us space to sleep. She’d change his diaper and give me little tidbits. Everett was so sleepy and sweet, he hardly cried at all that entire night/next morning. Getting up to go to the bathroom was rough. I was in so much discomfort and to be honest, was afraid to pee. Haha. But I figured out the rhythm and things ended up being ok. The next morning there was shift change, and our new nurse (I forget her name) was very sweet and seemed kind of young. I wasn’t crazy about her at first, but she ended up being really nice and helpful as the day went on. 

A lactation consultant popped in in the afternoon and helped me with some basic things. Everett was a really sleepy eater and wouldn’t stay away for more than a few seconds at a time to eat. She gave me a lot of information and said off-handedly, “Oh, and sometime around the 24-hour mark he’ll start cluster feeding. So be prepared for that.” Ok, good to know? Wowww, she did not even remotely prepare me for what was going to happen. At that point in time, the only way I could tell that he was hungry was if he would open his mouth and root around, or make a clicking noise with his tongue. Around 3 or 4, he started to get hungry and wanted to eat. And eat. And I’d put him back in the bassinet, and then he’d want to eat some more. At this point, I’d only had like, 5 hours of sleep total over the past couple of days so I was getting pretty tired. Sometime around shift-change, we had a new nurse come in who was probably in her 60′s named Shirley and said, “Oh, I’m a lactation consultant! I can help you with x y z!” Well, then she left and I didn’t see her for hours. Everett’s feedings became longer and closer together. At one point, he just got so worked up and I got worked up. He was crying and screaming and I was crying. I just didn’t know what to do, and I was so tired. Every time I put him down, all he wanted to do was eat again. Soon it was after midnight and we still hadn’t seen our nurse. I didn’t want to hit the call bell for help (I just felt like it was stupid, like, “Help, my baby is crying,” I didn’t want to bother her I guess). Our nurse from the first night, Sam, happened to walk by and heard Everett’s screams (hah). She came in to see if we were ok and was surprised that Everett and I were a total mess. She took Everett and calmed him down, then re-swaddled him. She told me that with clusterfeeding, sometimes babies can smell their moms and want to keep eating, even if they’re not hungry. She said she’d come back around in about 45 minutes and take Everett to the nursery so we could get some sleep. She left and must’ve told our nurse Shirley that I was upset because she came in and was like, “Ohh, I’m so sorry, you should’ve hit your bell! I didn’t know you were having such a hard time in here!” She gave me some tips that were a little helpful and then eventually left. Sam came by around 1:30 and took Everett. He screamed and cried and I could hear him going all the way down the hall. I was crying and saying to Chris, “They’re not going to get him to calm down and he’ll have to come back and I won’t get any sleep at all.” Chris, of course, was calm and collected and said, “Nope, they know what they’re doing. Just get some sleep.” And luckily, he was totally right - I conked out and slept hard for three and a half hours. Same brought him back and said that as soon as they settled him in the nursery, he immediately stopped crying and fell right asleep. I was so, so grateful for the rest. She came in and checked on us a couple more times during the night, and it was so nice. I liked her the best out of all my nurses.

Around 5:30, a pediatrician came bustling into the room and grabbed Everett (who had been nursing for about an hour - I was exhausted and sore) and he  assessed him, got him all worked up, then haphazardly swaddled him and handed him back to me. Poor Everett was crying and flailing his little arms and started screaming. The pediatrician said, “Man, that kid’s got a set of lungs!” I asked him to give us some guidance on Covid, and he just flopped down on the window seat next to Chris and started talking about the “orientals” wearing masks and how not many babies or children had contracted the virus that they knew of. He basically said that we shouldn’t worry too much, and then left. We weren’t sure how much we should trust him. Chris re-swaddled Everett and we got some sleep before shift change came in. 

[2centsofsilver]

Losing My V Card

Telling Brendon All About It! ~ SUNDAY, DEC 23, 2018, 11:50 PM ~

Alright, I’m here!

Katherine

Ok! I’m here

So yesterday Natasha stayed the night and we made out and she gave me some great tips, etc.

We went to Cafe Zola and the Kerrytown shops today and got some gifts for our families

Katherine

She left at like 5:30 back to Ohio. My anxiety today was through the roof. We slept in the same bed last night and I was so anxious about today that I couldn’t sleep. So I took more melatonin than usual not realizing the mg was higher than normal so I took like 3x my normal amount and then got scared I was gonna die so Natasha held my hand all night??? But what ultimately happened was, I was so anxious and then resisting against this intense sleep dose. And ended up not sleeping at all.

Katherine

So today I was a miserable zombie in a horrible mood with Natasha and felt really bad about it and worried about tonight because I wasn’t in a good place to calm the fuck down

And I just secretly wanted Natasha to leave so that I could go home and calm down so I told her I wanted to go back to my place early and she left like an hour earlier than planned and I was able to calm down in bed and stuff

Katherine

Then I go out to my car to do my makeup at like 6. All the makeup that is usually in my car for whatever reason wasn’t there so I had to search my car to find it for 15 min and couldn’t find my main foundation. So I told Ruth I was running late. I was sooooo fucking mad at myself for being unprepared and late and shit per usual. So I floored it to Walgreens, bought makeup at 6:30, put it on, Floored it to Kerrytown and got there exactly at postponed time of 6:45 on the dot somehow.

Katherine

So it was just this absolute shit show right before, as usual, is the point I’m trying to make.

With me? Lol

Yup!

Katherine

I was just really fucking mad and hated myself because this happens all the time

So I text her when I’m walking in, she tells me where she’s sitting and what she’s wearing, I walk in and don’t see her. So I’m thinking I’m at the wrong Sweetwaters. But then I saw her sitting by the window at a high top table. And she. Was. GORGEOUS

Have I shown you a pic??

I believe so!

Katherine

   She looked just like that, wearing this maroon pretty sweater and had her thick dark hair up in a messy bun on the top of her head. HER EYES were stunning. As beautiful or more beautiful than Rachel.

She’s super pretty!

Katherine

Yeah!

So I walk in v flustered because I’m late and shit and walk over, say hi and apologize for being late. She was super cool about it. She said I should go get some coffee. I come back and we just talk for about an hour and a half

Katherine

We talked about how I prefer cold drinks over hot, our families, our brothers, how we celebrate Christmas, her time living in northern Michigan and how much she hated it due to scarce civilization and zero queer community. We talked about Euchre and she did this thing where she asked if she could show me what her brother does during euchre by taking my hands and making them “milk a cow” over her hot tea lol

Katherine

And then she drank the tea.

Oh interesting lol

Katherine

Yeah lmao

And then at some point in the middle of a non-related conversation, she mentioned “lack of experience” and having “only done casual a few times” so I used that as an opportunity into the next segment of our convo

I asked her what she meant by that

And she basically told me that she’s relatively new to casual dating & encounters and has been “dancing with people” for about 3 months

Wasn’t sure what she meant but she said it’s a euphemism she likes to use

So imagine how a therapist has a full case load of clients

She explained she also has an active running list of regulars outside of work that she regularly hooks up with. And she calls it “dancing with people” as in, the dance of casually having sex with many people

Haha ok

Katherine

I joked saying I was glad she didn’t mean she wanted to go out dancing

Katherine

So she explained that something she does is talk to others about the others. Like all the people she’s sleeping with, she talks about the others to the others. I was just like ok whatever. I think she just meant she was gonna reference scenarios with her other people to talk to me about like examples of the kinds of stuff she does. Idk if that makes sense

Katherine

Maybe saying that it’s okay she’s talking about the others to me, like letting me know they’re aware of it. Idk.

So she started talking about some of the other people she’s been sleeping with and for how long, what those situations are like, very generally

Hang on give me a second

Alright

Katherine

Went blank for a sec

I think she went into all that because I asked her what casual dating/encounters looks like for her, and what she’s imagining/picturing for us

And she said something like “everyone is different but there has been a general/typical theme in how it tends to go”

Which is just, meet up, hang out, do something. Then go back to someone’s place

She said every encounter varies person to person

I asked her to elaborate on her lack of experience

That’s when she mentioned number of partners, and starting out nervous. She said every single person she’s “had a sex interview with” has been very nervous and expressed a good amount of anxiety

And described it as a common theme

So at that point I felt comfortable mentioning my anxiety

Katherine

I basically said, “Yeah I also share lack of experience. I have very very minimal experience. It’s been quite some time since I’ve seen anybody. This past year I have become more sure of myself and what I want, become more accepting of myself and self confident, whereas in the past my anxiety took the wheel. I feel ready for this and am very excited, but do have a small amount of anxiety”

Katherine

Something like that

Katherine

And I was very grateful because that led her into a conversation about how anxiety is normal, all humans have it. How she and every person she sleeps with has it. And how every single “interview” (she used that word jokingly) she’s had recently has involved the same exact expression of fears/anxiety/hesitancy.

Katherine

She emphasized that multiple times thereafter; that our conversation was a very common theme in all of her most recent meet ups

That many many people show up, express lack of experience, uncertainty with their ability to meet expectations, and a relatively high level of anxiety. And that really was valuable for me. It greatly reduced my nerves and discomfort.

And all the talk from friends about not bringing up my anxiety.

I asked her whether what she’s looking for is entirely non-emotion focused. And she said no. She said that’s not possible. She said you have to be attached a little bit in order to trust someone and feel safe.

Katherine

So yeah it was honestly the most ideal conversation and setup. I increasingly felt more and more comfortable. She was very very easy to talk to. And I felt comfortable opening up and expressing anxiety, not feeling like I had to hide it. I even mentioned varying advice from friends about what to share/disclose about my anxiety and she very much reassured me, repeatedly, that having anxiety was not a turn off for her.

Katherine

That it was completely fine, okay, acceptable, normal, common, expected, etc.

I asked her what I can expect and she asked me what my “yes please” and “no not at all” lists were.

Katherine

I hesitated and she said “It’s okay if you don’t know.” So I asked her for examples. She told me that on her yes please list were things like: biting, slapping, and all the basics including oral. Her no list included things like bondage, cutting, drawing blood, anal. But that she’ll give anal. So I talked about some of the things I love and the things I didn’t want.

Katherine

And then I asked her what her preference around hair was and she was woke af as you said, in not expecting or asking me to physically remove the hair on my body. So I felt very relieved.

Katherine

I talked to her about my experiences with Katie who was manipulative/abusive, Jamie who wasn’t the right match, Mike who nearly raped me drunk, and Rachel whose partner vetoed me. She had a knowledge bad in polyamory and she apologized for what happened to me, saying it wasn’t gone about appropriately. I mentioned things like tightness and fear of pain, asked for open communication, check ins, gentle fingering, mentally freezing, and mentioned body image self consciousness. She said everyone has it and that it’s okay, not a thing to worry about. I said “obviously you can tell my body type through my clothes and if that were a dealbreaker for you, we prob wouldn’t be this far into this conversation,” and she said exactly.

Katherine

knowledge base*

She told me “It’s not supposed to hurt, we don’t have to make it hurt, it will be okay,” etc.

Katherine

I just felt all my anxiety fade away. I couldn’t stop smiling and felt so good and so happy/excited. I felt like I could trust her. She also talked a lot about trauma and filling the void, the idea isolation and physical touch. She’s very much a social worker and I’m grateful for that.

Katherine

Towards the end she said “We don’t have to do all of this in one night. There are no rules here, no shoulds, no have-tos. We can go back to your place right after this if you’re comfortable doing that, we could also call it a night and plan for another night, options are endless.” I thought for a moment and told her I’m feeling comfortable and would like to move forward with this at my place She asked if I was sure, that we didn’t have to, etc. I told her yes I’m ready. I went to the bathroom. Texted you, Natasha, and Rachel. I collected my mental and emotional bearings. Came back to the table and mentioned “being ready but scared.” She said “it’s gonna he okay,” and that set me over the edge. Got me off right there in my pants. Put our coats on and walked out

Katherine

She followed me back to my place in our cars. I felt good the whole time like “it’s finally happening”

Katherine

Came into my place, casually talked on the way to my room about why thI couch was covered in plastic and why my bed was covered in boards but has clean sheets (Lilah has been pissing everywhere). She said she literally does not care what my room looks like. But I thought it was interesting that Natasha and I just so happened to spend hours and hours at the laundromat last night washing my sheets and making my bed and cleaning my room, not even knowing this was set to happen.

Katherine

And my roommate JUST SO HAPPENED to be out of town. It was meant to happen

Phone dying give me a sec

Katherine

Tell you more tomorrow, dozing

DEC 24, 2018, 9:35 AM

Wow!!! I’m so ready to hear the rest!!

This sounds great!

Katherine

Yeah!

 DEC 24, 2018, 3:10 PM

Katherine

Oh I meant to also tell you, that I mentioned having never had sex. Like I was straight up but hesitant about it. And she just sorta shrugged like no big deal, not at all a turnoff. She said she had recently met with another person who had also never had sex. She saw nothing deficient in it whatsoever. So amazing

Katherine

I’m out shopping but will tell you more when I get home!

Katherine

I told her I enjoy dominance but to be more equal our first time. But I told her she could be a little dominant and talk down to me and stuff. I told her I was ok with her basically taking the lead with me. And she said that was fine, that she felt it had already been applied. So that was great too. It was all so ideal!

Katherine

implied**

MON 7:25 PM

How was the actual sex??

Katherine

On my way Home from target, I’ll tell u all about it I promise lol

MON 10:37 PM

Katherine

Ok I can message now lol. Hope you’re having an amazing time with your family I’m gonna just tell ya part II and you can respond whenever you want

Okkkkk so!

Katherine

She followed me back to my place. We talked on the way in. I went to the bathroom and got situated. My nerves were kicking in again but this time it was much more excitement and thrill and fun-type butterflies. I came out of the bathroom, mentioned I was gonna take Tylenol for a headache and then I glanced at her. She was laying in my bed on her side fully clothed, cute as hell, smiling at me.

Katherine

Took my breath away. I was so damn wet already My god. So I sorta blushed and went in my room, asked if we should have the lights on or off. She said hallway light was enough so we turned the lights off. I wasn’t sure what I should do so I asked her (that is basically how we went about the whole night step by step which I loved and deeply appreciated). I said, “Should I take off my clothes?” (I assumed the answer was no and that we’d get there but I was trying to figure out what to do immediately lol)

Katherine

So she said, “It’s ok, why don’t we just hang out like this here for a little?” She was so nice and could sense I was nervous so we took things real slow. She got close to me and sorta was sitting on the bed facing me, I was also sitting facing her. And then she sorta stretched out back onto her side smiling at me, so I did the same. So we were laying there on our sides fully clothed up close to each other. Whole time she’s saying, “Yeah, just like that, that ok? You doin okay?” etc.

Katherine

Felt very safe and comfortable

Katherine

So then she put her hand on my shoulder and kinda rested it there, kinda rubbing my shoulder and arms a little, asking if I’m doing ok, we got calm. I don’t remember what we were talking about but we were talking. And in a minute or so, I just sorta looked up and said “ok” and started nodding. And she’s like “yeah?” Maybe I said I was ready. Idk. It was all very natural. She was really really firm on getting solid yes’s from me before continuing because she knew I had been assaulted by a guy several years prior. So I’m like “yeah” and she asked if I wanted to go a step further and I nodded. She’s like “yes?” I’m like “yes” and then BOOM it was like a sex scene in grey’s anatomy LOL

Katherine

She pulled me in, dove right in, we started making out relatively hard. It was like, perfect timing perfect setup, and I was immediately good at it. Damn. She is a good kisser. I felt comfortable the whole time and used lots of tongue and all that. She was much better than Natasha lmao. I was just really loving every moment, felt like a learner soaking it all up. Like the tongue movements...we twirled tongues in circles over and over. Who knew that could be so exhilarating!

Katherine

She started kissing the side of my face, my forehead, all the way down my neck, my shoulder, she had her hand on the back of my neck. I was shocked by how IMMEDIATE the sensations were. Like what the fuck. I didn’t expect that stuff to feel SO GOOD

Katherine

I started kissing her face, down her neck, her shoulder, and put my hand on the back of her neck, and kinda gripping her hair. It smelled so good. Her hair is so THICK and luscious. Whole time she’s telling me it feels really good, saying “yeah” a lot and letting me know what she liked. I’m thinking “damn, this is either just how people communicate during lesbian sex or she actually thinks I’m really good” lol

Katherine

But she seemed to REALLY like what I was doing. Like at one point I put my hand on her back and she said “Yeah I like that. I like your hand on my back like that” so I liked being told what she liked

It was very affirming for me. Confidence boosting.

Katherine

Soon she says “I’d like to take this off you, if that’s okay.” I was wearing a red knit sweater. I was so excited for that moment for some reason. I wore it on purpose because of how smoothly it just falls right off my skin. So she slid it off me, and started kissing down my arms, etc.

Katherine

I said, “what about my shirt?” And she said “Would you like to take your shirt off?” And I said yes so she helped me with that too. And then I was just in my bra and pants. And she started kissing my chest

Katherine

I was kinda nervous to be exposed but she was like rubbing my stomach and stuff and didn’t seem repelled or anything and I was enjoying it so much so most those self conscious nerves were gone. By this point I’m completely outstretched. I asked her if she wanted me to take her shirt off and she said ok so we did. I kissed her all over, etc.

Katherine

Debating how detailed to go on this next part LMFAO

Breast play????? Is...... AMAZING. What the actual fuck. Who knew.

She started doing that to me with my bra still on and I was like already over the edge lmao.

We were still making out, kissing on the lips, etc, just a variety of all of it by now. And then she asks, “Do you want me to take this off?” pulling at my bra. And I said YES

AND THEN

Katherine

We took that off. And get this. By natural instinct I covered up. I literally covered my chest by kinda folding my arms in front of me, twisted over from back to side, and put my head downward. Like I didn’t even realize I did that. And she noticed. She was very good at noticing when I was less okay

Katherine

Because I’m REALLY REALLY embarrassed and ashamed of my breasts. Like really bad. Because when I got assaulted by Mike Johnson, the way he looked at them all confused when he realized they weren’t perky. The way he held them and sorta paused to think. The way he tried to get my nipples to come out even though I don’t have naturally erect nipples. I remember how badly I wanted to cry when he did all that. So I was really ashamed when my bra came off. I didn’t want her to see my chest. Isn’t that sad???

Katherine

And she kinda caught my eye contact when I looked down. And then I just laid on my side for a bit kissing her, etc. And we were facing each other side by side again. And she looks at me and she’s like, “You know. It’s helpful when I can see you.” I hadn’t even realized I’d done that, because I didn’t know what she meant. I’m like “Oh...haha, ok, wait, you mean like my face or the rest of my body?” And she said “Both.” She had paused. I don’t know how to explain it but it was like she saw a moment and caught it for me, and wasn’t gonna let me feel ashamed. It was like “let’s tackle this before we continue,” so we took a pause

Katherine

She’s like “It seemed like you were hiding a bit there,” and I just said yeah, and she was like “we are okay.” And I’m like ok. And she said ok? And I’m like ok. And then we moved on. I rolled back onto my back and let myself be exposed and closed my eyes. And she moved into my breasts and what happened after that was history lmao

Katherine

She starts feeling all around. I was blown away by how good it felt immediately. I remember that with Mike a little. Just felt really really good. I personally like hard rough play in this area and was planning to ask for that. And I pretty much did right away. She had told me she likes biting, both providing and receiving. I love receiving. So I basically just told her to do things and she did. It was all very exceptional. And then I really emphasized how badly I wanted her to hurt me. And she said “You also said you were scared about pain,” and I said “Yes but up here it’s ok.” So yeah I asked her to do the maximum. Pinch. Pull. Bite as hard as she can. Etc. Lots of pain lots of gain. I looooooved it. She asked me if I wanted her to SLAP me. I wasn’t sure about this. Thought about it. Said ok but not too hard. She did it once and i liked it so she did it maybe 2-3 more times. I know this is beyond detailed but I’m also gonna he copying and pasting all these messages into one consolidated blog entry on my private tumblr so yeah lol

Katherine

Gotta write it somewhere lol

Then she started rubbing a certain area and saying “you’re pretty dark here. You may bruise here,” and I said ok that was fine. But omfg. My boobs are SO SORE and bruised today. I’ve got hickies allllllllo over omgggg

I just bruise so easily in general, it’s insane

Katherine

So then I ask if she wants me to take her bra off. We do. She says, “Is this your first set of tits?” I’m like yeah. She goes “This is the first time you’ve ever played with a woman’s tits?” And I’m like yeah. And I’m pretty sure I said “I’m nervous” or “I’m scared” or something. And she said it was ok, “everything will be okay.” I said “what should I do?” And my voice was all fucking nervous and shit. And she said to just play with them. So I went for it the same way she did for me. And she again, affirmed everything I did just by her reaction/sounds but also by telling me.

Katherine

I was like terrified to even look at, touch, lick, or bite her nipples but I did and she loved it so it felt good knowing I was providing something to someone and she was enjoying it

Katherine

She said I was really good at it. Loved the biting. It went really well. At this point things took a turn (in a good way) because I asked her if I could straddle her other leg to get to the other side. And in doing so, my knee brushed against her down there, and the way my body was moving just from licking her up top was causing that to also happen down there so it was like a good segway into part II which i was so ready for. I think I asked her if we could take my pants off. So we did. She helped me. She brushed her hand up against me down there with my underwear still on and it almost sent me right over the edge. She’s like “Is this where you want me” and I couldn’t even talk. I nodded. But she wanted that yes. So I gave it to her. So she started feeling and everything and I told her I wanted her to take my underwear off. She asked if I was sure. Etc etc. and then she did. And moved right in. And I’m not gonna give you details but it was EXQUISITE. She started with her hands. Then moved into oral. Then used her hands again. It was just like. I had hit another planet.

Katherine

Like my mouth dropped open and I said “Holy moly” lmao

Katherine

The oral was just beyond imaginable. Idk if it’s like that for everyone but she knew exactly what she was doing it. Like, v skilled. And then I asked her to finger me. And that was the part during coffee where I expressed great fear and history of pain so she wasn’t sure and definitely asked me if I was sure. She said “you’ve talked about a lot of pain and tightness down here” and I said “yeah but I want you to try and just be gentle.” And she said “We are not required to do this. We don’t have to. We can do other things,” and I said “I know. But I want you to.” (I DID!!!) I told her it can be painful but a huge turn on for me when and if it’s not. So she said ok but said, “if anything hurts, I want you to tell me and I’ll stop.” And I said I will don’t worry

Katherine

So she worked on me a bit. Slow and gentle. I am not kidding when I tell you there wasn’t much pain. A little uncomfortable but she was able to get in there. I incrementally asked for 3 fingers. And she was able to go pretty deep without pain. There was SOME pain here and there. Some intolerable and I spoke up. But I wanted her to try it and we did. I liked it. Halfway through I was shaking from anxiety and cold and expressed that and she covered me up. It was super sweet. It almost felt even better all covered up in blankets and stuff

Katherine

We worked down there a damn ass long time

It was great

Lmfao @ holy moly!!!

Katherine

Then took her underwear off. I didn’t go down on her because she got very very tired lol. So I fingered her till she came. She fingered me more till I came. And then we kissed some more. And then we just laid there. It took over an hour till I came. And then it was really quick and fast and she was confused by how fast I’d orgasmed. I said “I can usually go again right after” and then literally masturbated in front of her and got off in like a minute. But it was still super fast and she was struck by that. Didn’t understand why my orgasm wasn’t longer. And honestly I’m not sure either. I told her after providing myself with millions of orgasms all my life, I sometimes wonder and feel as though I’ve lost my ability to have strong ones anymore. And she thought that was interesting. I mentioned “we’ll have to research it” lol and work on it.

Katherine

Lmaoooo glad you liked that

After I got off to myself she’s like “is that the first time you’ve ever got off in front of someone before?” And I said no, I orgasmed with Mike Johnson. Etc. But yeah

This is all so great so far, it sounds like you had a fabulous night!

Katherine

Then we just laid there and talked about my job lol. I showed her videos of my kids on the JCC tablet while we were still naked and panting which is probably wrong and messed up in numerous ways but WHATEVER lmao. I wanted her to see what I do for a living and she loved it. She said it seems I really love those kids and my job. Then she said she was tired and needed to sleep. I thanked her a ton and said I hope it was okay for her and she said I did a wonderful job. We both got dressed. I walked her to my door. We hugged. She kissed my forehead. And I pulled her in and kissed her hard on her lips. And then she left.

Katherine

She said when I get back in town to let her know and we’ll do it all again.

Basically I’m now on her “outside of work client list”

Because she has a list of people she regularly sleeps with and I’m basically in now. In the books. Lol

I’m so happy brendon

Haven’t stopped thinking about it all day. This morning I got off like 5 times in a row thinking about it and didn’t wanna leave my bed lol

Katherine

OH- there were 2 awkward moments. 1 was when I asked if she was comfortable fingering me anally and she said yes. She did okay but she said she had never done that before. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted and then I was mortified because I forgot that sometimes there’s a smell and so I didn’t say anything but I initiated we move onto something else. Like I was entirely clean back there but I completely forgot that sometimes that can happen. I didn’t utter a word about it but took the lead in moving back into something else lol

Katherine

And then the other awkward thing was an overwhelming need to pee as we moved closer to orgasm. She said that just meant I was close to orgasm. But I fucking know how an orgasm feels for me and this as very much a desperate need to pee so we stopped and I went to the bathroom and COULDNT PEE. She said it’s probably just anxiety and I think she was right. But then she said her hand got tired later and prob wouldn’t have been so tired had we just kept going rather than stopping and then starting over again lol

Katherine

But yeah that’s the end

As the JCC teachers sing at story time: “That’s the end of the story, that’s the end of the story, that’s the end of the store-eeeeeeeeee! It’s time to sing some songs!”

What song should we sing today brendon? If you’re happy and you know it? Ok! Here we go! If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands!!

I diiiiiiid it brendon!!!!!!!! I DID IT! I DID THE THING!

You really did do it!!! I’m so happy for you and also proud of you!

It sounds amazing!

And like you’re gonna do it again soon

I’m glad she was so patient and comfortable and kind

Katherine

Exactly!! Yesss me too!! Thank you Brendon!

All day today, extra energy in my step. Fucking grinning everywhere I go

I TOLD SUSAN

You’re confident!

Katherine

I know!!!

Sounds like it was everything you wanted and needed

Especially in your first time

Katherine

Yes like a dream

Yes

Katherine

And no relationship needed. Like it was the perfect amount of everything just as is.

Which is great

Katherine

I don’t really want a relationship right now

Exactly

Oh also, 2 things I forgot to include. Both awkward

At the very beginning of her going down on me. She spread my legs and I cramped

Like leg cramps on both sides

Katherine

Embarrassing because ya know. I’m fat and I cramp up and she had spread my legs as wide as possible. So I voiced it and she acted like it was no big deal, completely normal, asked if I wanted to prop them up with pillows so we did and she adjusted them and no more cramping. It was like she knew exactly what to do or something

Katherine

And then the other thing was, halfway through the whole thing she said, “Are you familiar with sub/dom BSDM at all?” And I said yes (just from so much porn watching over the years). And she’s like “Well, one thing that tends to be common in BDSM, is the phrase, ‘You are being a very good girl.’ Is that something you’d like me to say to you?” And I wasn’t sure.

Katherine

Like the majority of me didn’t really like the ring it had because it feels fake, scripted, not real. I’d rather her talk down to me and TELL me to be good. But I didn’t like the “good girl” thing and should have told her. I said we could try it so we did and yeah. I didn’t hate it but it wasn’t something I’d wanna do again. I like being told I’m doing good, or to be good. But I don’t like that good girl part.

Katherine

Like that I’m a child and she’s a parent or something. Idk. Didn’t feel right

But then, the thing is, I have my own specifics that a lot of people would probably be uncomfortable with in their own sex life

So we are all different and I get that.

But I have kinks that I’d LOVE to explore with her that are def different and more uncommon. I’m assuming she won’t want to for at least one of them.

Which is fine and completely understandable

And then a third thing that happened was she asked me to slap her breast. Which I wasn’t uncomfortable with or anything. Just nervous and embarrassed to do??? I did it once. She said I did really well. Idk. What are your thoughts on these last few things?

[miaowsen]

xD

I showed one of my non-MDZS friends this part of the book

And asked her what she thinks happened

This is how it went:

Friend: they fucked, right? This has "i had a one night stand with the CEO not knowing who he was and then i met him at the office next day" vibes.

Me: no, they actually had a sword fight. And that's not an innuendo.

Friend, visibly disappointed: oh... well, i think they should have fucked. It wouldn't have taken the story five volumes if they did, for sure.