#i text them (literally) religiously and all. but maybe itd be nice if i just stopped. so they wouldnt have to act like they care and shit.
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its taking literally everything in me and then some to not fucking open a fucking vein or two. i just cant do this shit anymore. whats the point. whenever i think its getting better it just gets fucking worse.
#j’s a bloody mess#just. why is it like this. why am i a goddamn failure. why am i a fuck up? why am i so damn selfish? why cant i just not be.#i really wonder- if i were to ask them now. would they take it back?#i cant help but keep thinking that they want me dead. i know theyd be better off at least. maybe its because they said that before. this.#thats why i wonder. if theyd even care or notice.#i text them (literally) religiously and all. but maybe itd be nice if i just stopped. so they wouldnt have to act like they care and shit.#part of me really wants to ask them for reassurance. but at the same time. that wouldbe kinda stupid huh?#i guess thats why im writing it on here instead.#wanna stop being so selfish. but i cant even hate myself for it without feeling selfish! bs stg#i have no ideas. i barely respond to my friends (even though i want to). i cant draw i cant write. i cant even hurt myself to a satisfactor#-point. so whats the fucking point to this shit? “itll get better” but ive been saying that for months now.#dont wanna reach out because i dont want to burden anyone even if they say im not. but also want help. but wanting help is selfish. i dont#need help right? im normal and just lying. but why does being normal hurt so much. why have i felt better if this is normal? why cant#esctacy be permanent. why was it so good to begin with and why cant i replicate it?#im so sorry for everything.
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