#i swear the submarine thing messed up the timeline

[oblivionwonderlust]

you don’t even have to show this to a little victorian boy, imagine showing this to someone from 3 months ago

[miloscat]

[Review] Conker: Live & Reloaded (XB)

Let’s see just how well this misguided remake/expansion holds up. This will be a long one!

Conker’s Bad Fur Day is my favourite N64 game. It’s cinematic and ambitious, technically impressive, has scads of gameplay variety with fun settings and setpieces, and when I first played it I was just the right age for the humour to land very well for me. A scant four years later Rare remade it for the Xbox after their acquisition by Microsoft, replacing the original multiplayer modes with a new online mode that would be the focus of the project, with classes and objectives and such.

First, an assessment of the single-player campaign. On a revisit I can see the common criticisms hold some water: the 3D platformer gameplay is a bit shaky at times, certain gameplay segments are just plain wonky and unfair, and some of the humour doesn’t hold up. It’s got all the best poorly-aged jokes: reference humour, gross-out/shock humour, and poking fun at conventions of the now dormant 3D collectathon platformer genre. I also am more sensitive these days to things like the sexual assault and homophobia undertones to the cogs, or Conker doing awful things for lols. Having said that, there’s plenty that I still find amusing, and outside of a few aggravatingly difficult sequences (surf punks, the mansion key hunt, the submarine attack, the beach escape) I do still appreciate the range of things you do in the game.

As for the remake, I’m not sure it can be called an improvement by any metric. Sure, there’s some minor additions. There’s a new surgeon Tediz miniboss, the new haunted baby doll enemy, and the opening to Spooky has been given a Gothic village retheme along with an added—though unremarked on—costume for Conker during this chapter based on the Hugh Jackman Van Helsing flop. Other changes are if anything detrimental. The electrocution and Berri’s shooting cutscenes have been extended, thus undermining the joke/emotional impact. The original game used the trope of censoring certain swear words to makes lines more funny; the remake adds more censorship for some reason, in one case (the Rock Solid bouncer scene) ruining the joke, and Chucky Poo’s Lament is just worse with fart noises covering the cursing.

The most egregious change, and one lampshaded in the tutorial, is the replacement of the frying pan (an instant and satisfying interaction) with a baseball bat which must be equipped, changing the control and camera to the behind-the-back combat style, and then swung with timed inputs to defeat the many added armoured goblings and dolls carelessly dumped all throughout the game world. This flat out makes the game less fun to play through.

On top of this, all the music has been rerecorded (with apologies to Robin Beanland, I didn’t really notice apart from instances where it had to be changed, such as in Franky’s boss fight where the intensely frenetic banjo lead was drastically reduced as a concession to the requirement to actually play it in real life), and the graphics totally redone. Bad Fur Day made excellent use of textures, but with detail cranked up, the sixth generation muddiness, and a frankly overdone fur effect, something is lost. I’m not a fan of the character redesigns either; sure Birdy has a new hat, but I didn’t particularly want to see Conker’s hands, and the Tediz are no longer sinister stuffed bears but weird biological monster bears with uniforms. On top of all this you notice regular dropped details; a swapped texture makes for nonsensical dialogue in the Batula cutscene, and characters have lost some emotive animations. Plus, the new translucent scrolling speech bubbles are undeniably worse.

I could mention the understandable loading screens (at least they’re quick), the mistimed lip sync (possibly exacerbated by my tech setup), or the removal of cheats (not a big deal), but enough remake bashing. To be fair, the swimming controls have been improved and the air meter mercifully extended, making Bats Tower more palatable. And some sequences have been shortened to—I suppose—lessen gameplay tedium (although removing the electric eel entirely is an odd choice). But let’s cover the multiplayer. Losing the varied modes from the original is a heavy blow, as I remember many a fun evening spent in Beach, War, or Raptor, along with the cutscenes setting up each mode.

The new headline feature of this release is the Live mode. The new Xbox Live service allowing online multiplayer was integrated, although it’s all gone now. Chasing the hot trends of the time, it’s a set of class-based team missions, with the Squirrel High Command vs. the Tediz in a variety of scenarios, mostly boiling down to progressing through capture points or capture the flag. Each class is quite specialised and I’m not sure how balanced it is, plus there’s proto-achievements and unlocks behind substantial milestones none of which I got close to reaching (I don’t think I could get most of them anyway, not being “Live”).

The maps are structured around a “Chapter X” campaign in which the Tediz and the weasel antagonist from BFD Ze Professor (here given a new and highly offensive double-barrelled slur name) are initially fighting the SHC in the Second World War-inspired past of the Old War, before using a time machine, opening up a sci-fi theme for the Future War. These are mainly just aesthetic changes, but it’s a fun idea and lets them explore Seavor’s beloved wartime theming a bit more while also bringing in plenty of references to Star Wars, Alien, Dune, and Halo; mostly visual.

Unfortunately the plot is a bit incoherent, rushed through narration (unusually provided by professional American voice actor Fred Tatasciore rather than a Rare staffer doing a raspy or regional voice like the rest of the game) over admittedly nice-looking cutscenes. They also muddle the timeline significantly, seemingly ignoring the BFD events... and then the Tediz’ ultimate goal is to revive the hibernating Panther King, when the purpose of their creation was to usurp him in the first place! It expands on the Conker universe but in a way that makes the world feel smaller and more confusing. It’s weird, and also Conker doesn’t appear at all.

On top of this, I found the multiplayer experience itself frustrating. To unlock the full Chapter X, you need to play the first three maps on easy, then you can go through the whole six. But I couldn’t pass the first one on normal difficulty! The “Dumbots” seemed to have so much health and impeccable aim, while the action was so chaotic, obscured by intrusive UI, floating usernames, and smoke and other effects with loads of characters milling around, not to mention the confusing map layouts, the friendly fire, the instant respawns, and the spawncamping. Luckily I could play the maps themselves in solo mode with cutscenes and adjustable AI and options.

I found some classes much more satisfying than others. I tried to like the Long Ranger and the slow Demolisher, but found it difficult to be accurate. The awkward range of the Thermophile and the Sky Jockey’s rarely effective vehicles made them uncommon choices. I had most success with the simple Grunt, or the melee-range Sneeker (the SHC variant of which is sadly the sole playable female in the whole thing). You can pick up upgrade tokens during gameplay to expand the toolset of each class, which range from necessary to situational. But ultimately it’s a crapshoot, as I rarely felt that my intentions led to clear results.

Live & Reloaded is such a mess. The Reloaded BFD is full of odd decisions and baffling drawbacks, while the Live portion feels undercooked. I’d have preferred a greater focus on either one; a remake is unnecessary, especially only four years on, but a new single-player adventure would have been ace. And a multiplayer mode in this universe with its own story mode could be cool if it was better balanced and had more to it than just eight maps. As a source of some slight scrapings of new Conker content I appreciated it to some extent, but I can’t help being let down. I guess it’s true what they say... the grass is always greener. And you don’t really know what it is you have, until it’s gone... gone. Gone.

Yes, that ending is still genuinely emotionally affecting.

[temsikghosts]

Ghost Swap

treat for my dear friend @playghosttrick !!! @fyeahghosttrick

Prompt: Yomiel gets dragged to the beach with Fiansissel and he hates the ocean SO MUCH. Can be funny or depressing or both!

I wrote something based on one of my old ideas and I hope you like it!

Ugh… How did I get into this mess?

“Yomiel! Honey, talk to me!” I could hear Sissel’s worried voice from somewhere. I felt someone shake my body a bit.

“Sissel, don’t shake him like that! Let me check on him. Yomiel, can you hear me?” It was a grave, male voice this time. Was it Jowd? 

I couldn’t remember anything and this somehow made me feel even worse. “Ughn….” Was the only thing I could manage to let out.

“Look, he’s waking up!” It was Sissel’s voice again and as I tried to open my eyes, I could see her hovering over me. Or barely could see her, because my vision was still trying to adapt to the bright light of the environment.

“W-What… what happened?” I blurted out. My head was spinning and as I tried to properly wake up, I could feel I was lying down in some sort of fabric. The light was just too bright to get used to and my already sensitive eyes were having a lot of difficulty to try processing what was going on and I suddenly realized I was without my sunglasses for some reason, so instead of relying on my weak eyes, I searched the ground to feel where in the world I was when I felt sand beneath my fingers.

“You passed out, honey. Oh my gods, I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have—” Sissel was cut short by the male voice again.

“It’s okay, Sissel, it wasn’t your fault.” Then I felt a large hand on my shoulder. I couldn’t properly see in this bright sunlight, but I knew who it was. It was Jowd. “You’re okay there, Yomiel?”

“Yeah, just… I need my sunglasses, please. It’s so hard to see anything in this fucking strong sunlight.” I said tiredly as I finally managed to sit down. Then the memories just came rushing back to me.

----

It’s crazy to think about how time flies. It seemed like it was just yesterday that I was released from prison, but that had been a year ago. Sissel and I got married recently and we were just back from our honeymoon when Jowd and Alma asked us for a family trip to celebrate as a family. A family. That was a weird word to me. My family life was so messed up that for years I’ve been wishing for my ideal definition of family. And now, looking at Jowd, Alma, Kamila, Sissel (and I mean both)... Despite the awkwardness and guilt I still feel towards them about the things I’ve done to them in the past, I can’t help to shake the feeling that I’m in the right place. Is this what it feels like to be in a family?

So yeah, we agreed to it. Sissel had been all excited about it, of course, while I’ve been really nervous. I didn’t know what to expect from this trip and I hoped things would turn out alright. What got me worried though, was actually where we were going to spend this vacation. 

We were going to spend a weekend at Jowd’s beachside home.

I had to admit I wasn’t really fond of the idea of getting too close to the ocean again, but I guess as long as I stayed on firm land, I would be okay. I knew it wasn’t Jowd’s idea either, he didn’t seem too fond of the ocean too after the whole submarine incident. But we couldn’t say no to our women, could we?

So there we were, hosted in Jowd and Alma’s beachside house. There was an entire room for me and Sissel and I still remember Jowd’s rule about using the bedroom.

“Yomiel, Sissel, I know you two just came back from a heated honeymoon, but please, no doing anything improper while Kamila is around. This is a family vacation.”

“Geez, we’re not that vulgar, Jowd!” I rolled my eyes, but Sissel let out an embarrassed giggle. It’s true that Sissel and I got… a little busy during our honeymoon, but I knew it wouldn’t be polite of us to do this kinda stuff in someone else’s house. 

In the afternoon, we packed our stuff and went to the beach. Kamila was busy building sand castles with cat Sissel (yes, of course she brought the cat with her. And honestly, I was glad to have my best friend with me on this trip too.) Lynne had come too (it was like she was already part of Jowd’s family) and she would play around with Kamila and cat Sissel and Missile. Good thing pets were allowed on this beach. 

I, of course, was standing FAR AWAY from the ocean, under the beach umbrella, safe from the burning sun and working with my laptop. Of course I would bring my laptop for the trip. There were some projects I could work on while everyone else was having fun. Besides, I would stay safe and far away from the sea, as it should be. But of course, sometimes I would lift my eyes from the computer screen to stare at Sissel. Gods, she looked so wonderful in a bikini. At least one good thing came out of being in this hellish place. The way her skin looked so beautiful under the sun, not to mention the tiny drops of sweat that made her skin sparkle under the sunlight, making her look even more desirable… Damn. I found myself licking my lips in lust and, for a moment, I mentally cursed Jowd for his stupid rule about me and Sissel “not doing anything improper while we’re hosted in his house.” So, to take my mind out of my “improper thoughts”, I tried to focus back on my coding. But just as I came back to writing...

“Seriously, Yomiel? You’re working while we’re on vacation? Who even brings a laptop to the beach?” I heard Sissel complaining. Sigh. Just when I was trying to concentrate on the code...

“Sissy, love, you know I’m not fond of beaches.” I protested quietly, but she didn’t seem ready to give up.

“No, no, no. Turn this off, I want you to come swim with me!” She literally took the laptop from my hands and put it on the table.

“SWIM? Babe, you know I can’t swim!” I started to panic as she pulled me from the chair and started dragging me towards the sea.

“We’re not going too far, I swear! We’re only going where the water hits on our knees. Besides, you’ll be with me and I CAN swim, so I can save you if anything goes wrong!” She winked at me, but I couldn’t shake this dreadful feeling out of me. The closer she dragged me to the ocean, the closer I was to panicking.

“Sissel, PLEASE, no! I-I-I don’t like the sea! I-It’s too d-d-dangerous, e-e-even for those who can swim! L-Let’s go back, please!” I tried to convince her one last time.

“Please, Yommy! Just this once! Do it for me, please…” She looked at me with her ‘kitten eyes’ face. The one she always used whenever she wanted to convince me of something. I could never say no to that face. But the ocean….

I looked over at Jowd, who was helping Kamila with the sand castle. I tried to ask him for help, but Sissel managed to push me closer towards the water and I could already feel it under my feet.

The cold sensation of the water under my feet, along with the furious roar of the waves got me thinking back of that dark, sinking submarine and how I was supposed to be left there with the debris, forgotten, like a complete, lost soul. 

The memories of that night came rushing to me all at once and I could feel as if I was trapped in that submarine again, sinking slowly towards the bottom of an endless sea.

Then the world seemed to disappear around me.

---

Back to the present, as I woke up I could still feel myself shaking in fear. Sissel was feeling terrible about it and she was apologizing all the time for trying to force me to get into the water with her. She had brought me my sunglasses and a coconut so I could drink some of its water. It helped me to feel a bit better for a second.

“You sure you’re okay, Yomiel?” Jowd asked again. Even Kamila, Lynne and Alma were standing nearby and everyone seemed worried about me.

“I… guess….” The real answer was ‘no, I’m not’, but I didn’t want to make Sissel feel worse. But I guess Jowd understood the real meaning of my words. He already knew how much I hated the idea of standing close to the ocean when in the other timeline, I was supposed to be left alone in that sinking submarine.

(It’s okay, Yomiel, you’re safe now.) cat Sissel’s voice echoed in my mind. The black kitten was now sitting on my lap, staring at me intently with his big amber eyes. (Though I understand why you freaked out. Water is the worst.)

(Do you want to come back to the house with your wife? I can stay here with Kamila, Alma and Lynne. And.. huh… You two can have a time for yourselves, if this will help you get your mind of what happened.) Jowd’s voice echoed through our Ghost World connection.

(What? But you said…)

(I said ‘no doing anything improper while Kamila’s around’. But we’ll be here on the beach so you two can have the house for yourselves for a while.) He winked playfully. Gods, I couldn’t believe he was really willing to pass over his own rule for my sake.

(And we can talk about the ocean incident later.) The cat said. (That is, if you want to, of course.)

(Thank you, guys.) I sighed in relief, smiling at my two friends. As awkward my friendship with Jowd felt at first, I came to realize he was like a big brother watching over me at times 

“Sissel, he’s doing better now!” I heard Jowd shout to her. She was buying another coconut for me and came back to my side as soon as she heard Jowd’s voice.

“Really? Oh, thank goodness! I’m so, so sorry, Yommy…. I didn’t know your fear of water was that big.” She hugged me and it was a relief to feel her warm body pressed against me.

“Why don’t you two go back to the house and take some rest? I can stay here with the girls, don’t worry.” He winked at us one more time. It seemed like Sissel took the hint as well because she cast a lustful glance towards me, then nodded.

“Of course! This will help us a lot. Thank you so much, Jowd!” She giggled, then winked at me. “It will be a good way to apologize for my mistake.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle back. “You’re already forgiven, my love. And thanks once more, Jowd.”

“You’re welcome.” The detective said while he held the black kitten in his arms and watched as Sissel and I packed our things and headed back home. Sissel’s arms wrapped around mine as we walked back to Jowd and Alma’s beach house.

Ok, so maybe a family vacation wasn’t so bad, after all.