#i sure love the idea of having a Christmas ghost that represents the future and is basically a jolly version of the reaper! :D

[f3llow-colbaltblu3-d3mon]

Lil guy ^u^

[jozor-johai]

Re: cycle of violence and red wedding 2.0

I'm partial to the idea that arya will be the one who ends the LSH reign of terror on the riverlands. Do you have any thoughts on this?

This is such a tough question because imo there are so many people for whom killing Stoneheart would be narratively satisfying. I'll give you my thoughts on Arya first but I'll confess in advance that my opinion is 100% biased because I have my own pick for who I'd rather see do it.

The part I very much like about the Arya idea is how the two of them are mirroring each other's quest for vengeance, and how Arya deciding to kill LSH would symbolically mean she's killing the desire for revenge within herself after seeing what a monster that makes someone.

There are parts I don't like about it though. Selfishly, I don't want Arya to see her mother like that. Arya has that heartbreaking line about wondering whether her mother would still love her after what she's done, and I want Arya to remember her mother as Cat, who would love her, and not as LSH, who might be incapable of love. Arya meeting LSH now might affirm Arya's fears: she returns to her mother, and there's only death and the wedge that revenge drove between them. I see the poetry, but... I don't want it for her.

Part of me also thinks: Arya shouldn't quell her quest for revenge by killing something, let alone her mother, even if she is a murder zombie now. I know Arya's being trained as a killer, and I'm sure those are skills that will serve her in the future (else what's the point), but when it comes to her relationship with vengeance, I think that the turning point should be a moment where she recognizes the possibility of hope and rebirth, (the ghost of christmas present) rather than the doom of her future should she continue her quest for vengeance (the ghost of christmas future). Now that I've made the Dickens comparison, though, maybe she does need both.

I wouldn't dislike the story if Arya did it, I think it really works, and I know if GRRM wrote it that way it would work even better than I'm imagining. But

Personally, I'm partial to the idea that it will be Brienne who kills LSH. I like that Brienne is so completely driven right now by her oath to Catelyn; Catelyn took her in and offered her a female role model that Brienne could integrate into her worldview: "You have courage. Not battle courage perhaps but . . . I don't know . . . a kind of woman's courage."

Brienne is so committed to this oath to return Cat's children that she spends the entirety of Feast on a doomed quest to achieve this goal, armed with the sword that was forged from Ned's, named Oathkeeper. But now, to save Jaime, who represents the chance at change, forgiveness, and redemption, (the polar opposites to Stoneheart's absolute vengeance) Brienne will kill her liege, the woman she personally swore her loyalty to in ACOK.

...And so Brienne will mirror Jaime the Kingslayer, the Oathbreaker, and fully understand what that meant, and what that feels like. With Ned's own steel, no less, because Ned would not have wanted what Cat became. (am I going overboard with that?)

I'm not exactly sure how the timing works out, because she can't kill LSH now before Stoneheart & the gang pull off the Red Wedding revenge plot. I have totally bought into the idea that Stoneheart etc. are going to turn Daven's wedding into a massacre, and I also fully expect it to be gruesome and not cathartic. I suspect that Jaime is integral to that plan, somehow, which is how Jaime survives so long and isn't immediately killed, but I don't know how they manage to get Jaime to aid them. He's having a change of heart, sure, but he's not going to roll over and let them kill his family, so maybe they have some more important leverage. Could even be Brienne, if they understand that bond, although I don't know how they would.

The way I see it working is that Jaime somehow abets Stoneheart carrying out the Red Wedding 2.0 plan, even though it costs him so much. Then, Stoneheart and the BWB move to kill Jaime afterward, anyway, despite it all. Then, seeing the horror of what LSH has become and done, Brienne kills LSH.

Then and her and Jaime kiss run away and live happily ever after back to Casterly Rock, just like in the weirwood dream he had.

Kind of a long-winded response, but those are my thoughts on the end of LSH.

[porschekittisawasds]

simply cannot believe i made a supernatural fic rec list in the year 2020 but here we are

When Worlds Collide

When Zachariah dies, the illusions he’s created die with him.  But before they collapse completely, sometimes they collide. That’s how Castiel goes from cradling Dean Winchester’s broken body one moment, to finding himself face to face with Dean Smith in the next.

note: basically endverse!cas’s world collapses right after endverse!dean is killed by lucifer and he gets thrown into the it’s a terrible life verse. drama and love and a whole lot of fuckery ensue. it’s tagged as major character death but it’s not really

Broadway Musical

This is the day that marked the Holy and Blessed Union of Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle.

The merging of prominent bloodlines is always a grand occurrence, but breeding pedigree hunter families like Winchester and Harvelle is something to be rejoiced. It is also something to be meticulously planned, which thankfully the Host is very good at.

note: an AU where dean and jo are destined to fall in love and have two sons who will bring on the apocalypse and be the vessels for michael and lucifer. only problem is cupid’s arrows don’t make them fall in love with each other and heaven promptly starts freaking the fuck out so cas slips into a vessel and tries to do some matchmaking to get the whole end of the world thing back on track. it’s tagged as unrepentant crack and that pretty much sums it up, but it’s also a very funny and enjoyable read

a turn of the earth

Dean’s your typical half-orphaned, monster-killing 22-year-old until a trenchcoated stranger crashes into his back windshield one September night, claiming he’s an angel that knows him from the future and that he’s on the run.

Frigging fantastic.

note: listen i LOVE a good time travel fic

How (thanks to Gabriel) Dean and Castiel (accidentally) raised each other (and Sam)

In which, Gabriel meddles with the time line and Castiel becomes Dean's angel rather sooner than intended.

note: after lucifer stabs gabriel in hammer of the gods, gabriel uses his very last bit of grace to travel back to the beginning of time and decree castiel the angel of thursdays and dean winchester. fast forward a few eons and castiel hears mary’s dying cry. he shows up too late to save her, but he decides that a human life is very short in the grand scheme of things so he can play guardian angel to dean (and by extension sam) while also fulfilling his duties to heaven. not only is this pretty much my favorite supernatural fic, it’s also one of my favorite fics in general

The Shattered One

When it struck Castiel, he was in mid-flight. It dropped him out of the sky like a sparrow buffeted by gale-force winds. Castiel set down the first place he could find. He ended up standing in a field in Switzerland, swaying on his feet and staring down at his body, dazed by what it had just done.

note: okay so listen. this is tagged as mpreg but that’s kind of a stretch imo. it’s not like... mpreg mpreg in the sense that it deals with angel reproduction and has nothing to do with sex or pregnancy. angel reproduction goes like this: a section of an angel’s grace will suddenly and randomly break off and begin to grow on it’s own. after a certain period of time, another angel has to offer a piece of their grace and the two pieces will combine to form a new angel. that new angel is a fully developed, fully functional angel and is considered a new brother/sister instead of an offspring.

cas’s grace shatters which means he’s fucked because this takes place in season 5 after he’s defied heaven. no other angel will offer up a piece of their grace so his own is basically going to rip itself apart, killing him in the process. when dean and sam find out cas is going to die, dean offers up part of his soul in place of another angel’s grace. what results is a new angel that has just enough human in it that it takes the shape of a human baby and sends pretty much all of their lives into a tailspin.

ALSO just a heads up this is definitely more pre-destiel despite the relationship tag. there’s a sequel where im pretty sure they do get together but i haven’t read it so i cant’s say for sure.

Kiss You When It’s Dangerous

When his partner Uriel, betrays him, Federal Agent Castiel Novak is saved from becoming a ritual sacrifice by brothers Dean and Sam Winchester.

note: FBI!cas gets thrown headfirst into the supernatural. tagged as major character death, but again it’s not really

My Roots Take Flight

After forty years in Hell, Dean’s more than willing to accept the offer: become a guardian angel and earn his freedom. But his new ward seems destined to hunt alongside Sam, and there are secrets in Heaven that the angels don’t want found out. Dean’s going to have to choose between his duty and the people he loves- and to work out just where Castiel fits in.

note: season 4 au where dean is an angel and cas is a human except it’s way more complicated than that

Peace and Good Luck To All Men

Christmas in the Milton household was difficult enough without the added complication of guests- and if Luke and Gabriel placing bets on who can get with Sam first wasn’t bad enough, then Cas developing a ridiculous crush on his sister’s boyfriend definitely is. 

note: the one where michael, lucifer luke, gabriel, anna and cas are all human siblings but michael and lucifer luke are still trying to kill each other, gabriel is still Like That and cas is still super into dean which is pretty inconvenient considering he’s with anna.

Asunder

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Matthew 19:6) 

note: it’s been a very long time since i read this, but from what i remember it’s an AU where they’re all human and dean brings his friend/co-worker cas as his “date” to sam and ruby’s wedding for moral support. when sam was in college, he met ruby and they started using drugs together. after several failed attempts at helping him get clean, dean eventually cut sam off and it’s been years since they’ve spoken. even though sam and ruby are now both sober, dean blames ruby for everything that happened and the only reason he’s even going to the wedding is because bobby and ellen basically force him to. again, it’s been years and years since i read this so i can’t remember a lot of the details, but i do know that despite this being a dean/cas fic a lot of the focus is dean rebuilding his relationship with sam and that’s what i remember really liking about it.

Hanged, Drawn, and Quartered

Death brings Sam back — sort of.

note: a general fic involving only sam and dean. sam’s soul is so damaged from its time in the cage that when death brings it back, it shatters into pieces and so does sam. like literally. there’s four different sams now, each representing a distinctive part of his personality. sounds cracky but it’s actually surprisingly angsty and focuses on how the sams and dean are adjusting to their new reality and each other

Point Pleasant

(okay so this fic was deleted but i’m putting in on here anyway because the author has since turned it into a novel and had it published. im sure old pdfs of the fic are floating around but i highly recommend reading the novel version. if you know it was based on a destiel fic then it’s really easy to see those influences in the writing and the characters but it can stand up on it’s own. also!!!! it has pretty much the coolest take on the mothman’s origin story that i’ve ever heard.)

Ben Wisehart (Dean Winchester) grew up in the idyllic town of Point Pleasant, West Virginia. An early encounter with the supernatural shaped his worldview and served as the catalyst for his career as a bestselling horror writer. Thirteen years after abandoning his home, Ben returns to the town to investigate the apparent reemergence of the terrifying creature responsible for his childhood nightmares. In Point Pleasant, Ben is confronted not only by the town’s resident monster, the Mothman, but also by his former best friend, Sheriff Nicholas Nolan (Cas Novak). Together, Ben and Nicholas (Dean and Cas) uncover the mystery of the monster in the woods and discover that the ghosts that haunt us are sometimes made of flesh and blood. And sometimes, they lead us home.

Sympathy for the Devil (and Dean Winchester)

this is not so much a rec as it is a request.

basically an au version of season 5 (and kind of the whole series really). when god cast lucifer out of heaven, he tore out his grace. lucifer’s grace was put into the cage, but lucifer himself fell to earth and spent thousands and thousands of years reincarnating as a human. his latest reincarnation? dean winchester. so when sam opens the cage, lucifer’s grace is released and dean realizes that he’s lucifer. part of him still kind of wants to start the apocalypse but the other part of him has a whole new appreciation for humanity considering he now remembers every human life he’s ever lived. it’s made more complicated by the fact that dean (/lucifer) doesn’t really want to tell anyone that he’s apparently the devil so he has to keep his now angel status on the dl and also because despite heaven wanting the apocalypse to start, michael went missing from heaven shortly after lucifer was cast out and no one has any idea where he’s at.

this fic was deleted, but if anyone happens to have a pdf copy let me know. i would be highly appreciative!

[arpmemething2]

Sherlock starter sentences

Send one for my muse’s reaction

"I wrote my own version of the Nativity when I was a child, "The Hungry Donkey". It was a bit gory, but if you're going to put a baby in a manger you're asking for trouble."

"I was just playing the game."

"I can't make bricks without clay."

"I play the violin when I'm thinking and sometime I don't talk for days on end. Would that bother you?"

"You were thinking.  It's annoying."

"Oh, hell! What does that matter? So we go round the Sun! If we went round the Moon, or round and round the garden like a teddy bear, it wouldn’t make any difference."

"Not important? It's primary school stuff! How can you not know that?"

"I'm not a hero, I'm a high-functioning sociopath!  Merry Christmas!"

"What's the point in being clever if you can't prove it?"

"And exactly how many times did he fall out the window?"

"There was once a merchant in the famous market at Baghdad. One day he saw a stranger looking at him in surprise and he knew that the stranger was Death. Pale and trembling, the merchant fled the marketplace and made his way many, many miles to the city of Samarra, for there he was sure Death could not find him. But when at last he came to Samarra, the merchant saw, waiting for him, the grim figure of Death. “Very well,” said the merchant. “I give in. I am yours. But tell me, why did you look surprised when you saw me this morning in Baghdad?”, “Because,” said Death, “I had an appointment with you tonight – in Samarra.”"

"And we're having quite a lot of sex."

"You are a living, breathing man. You've lived a life; you have a past."

"Look at them. They all care so much. Do you ever wonder if there's something wrong with us?"

"I've always been able to keep myself distant. Divorce myself from feelings. But you see, body's betraying me. Interesting, yes? Emotions... grit on the lens, the fly in the ointment."

"Look, this is a six. There's no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a seven, we agreed. Now go back, show me the grass."

"What a couple of lightweights! You couldn’t even make it to closing time!"

"She provides, shall we say, "recreational scolding" to those who enjoy that sort of thing and are prepared to pay for it."

"Sex doesn't alarm me."

"No idea why people think you’re incapable of human emotion."

"Careful! Some of those skulls are over two hundred thousand years old! Have a bit of respect!"

"You ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk."

"Down girl."

"Don't talk out loud.  You lower the IQ of the whole street."

"That's not what people normally say."

"Should I answer chronologically or alphabetically?"

"I've got a better question: is everyone I've ever met a psychopath?"

"Kill you? Um, no. Don't be obvious. I mean, I'm gonna kill you anyway, someday. I don't want to rush it, though. I'm saving it up for something special. No no no no no, if you don't stop prying... I'll burn you. I will burn... the heart out of you."

"No, I just said that in one of your stories."

"You think he lost a lot of money? Suicide is common among city boys."

"He will outlive God trying to have the last word."

"Listen, what I said before, I meant it. I don't have friends; I've just got one."

"I'm not dead.  Let's have dinner."

"So he'll have to make a speech in front of people. There will be actual people there actually listening."

"Don't make people into heroes. Heroes don't exist, and if they did, I wouldn't be one of them."

"Stop talking, it makes me aware of your existence."

"This is my game face.  And the game is on."

"Oh, I may be on the side of the angels... but don't think for one second that I am one of them."

"We solve crimes. I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold out too much hope."

“Do you always carry handcuffs?”

"When I say run … run!"

"He’s planned something, something long-term. Something that would take effect if he never made it off that rooftop alive. Posthumous revenge. No, better than that – posthumous game."

"Intuitions are not to be ignored. They represent data processed too fast for the conscious mind to comprehend."

"You can't arrest a jellyfish."

"Brainy is the new sexy."

"Taking your own life. Interesting expression - taking it from who? Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it."

"Oh, I'm sure something will turn up. A nice murder. That'll cheer you up."

"So what if there are right? They are always right, it's boring."

"We all have a past. Ghosts. They are the shadows that define our every sunny day."

"Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing."

"Once the idea exists, it cannot be killed."

"It's not a pleasant thought. I have this terrible feeling from time to time that we might all just be human."

"Friends protect people."

I'm not implying anything. I'm sure she came round for a nice little chat, and just happened to stay over. And I assume she scrubbed your floors, going by the state of her knees."

"The universe is rarely so lazy."

"Everybody dies. It’s the one thing human beings can be relied upon to do."

"I gave you my number. I thought you might call"

"Really hope you don't have a baby in here."

"How did he recognize her from.. not her face?"

"I'm suddenly realizing I probably owe you some sort of an apology."

"I always hear "punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext."

"People don’t really go to heaven when they die. They’re taken to a special room and burned."

"We've got a serial killer on our hands. Love those, there's always something to look forward to."

"Dear God.  What is it like in your funny little brains?  It must be so boring."

"Fear is wisdom in the face of danger. It is nothing to be ashamed of."

"To a great mind, nothing is little."

"I was thinking more about our imminent and daring escape."

"Fine. We'll start with the riding crop."

"Pass me your revolver. I have a sudden need to use it."

"No, no, NO! Of course he's not the boy's father! Look at the turn-ups on his jeans!"

"Dear Lord, I have never been so impatient to be attacked by a murderous ghost...!"

"What I'm trying to say is that, if there's anything I can do, anything you need, anything at all, you can have me.…"

"Look at those cheekbones. I could cut myself slapping that face. Would you like me to try?"

"I would have you right here on this desk until you begged for mercy, twice"

"Are you wearing any pants?"

"When he was dying, he was always cheerful. He was lovely. Except when he thought that no one could see. I saw him once. He looked sad."

"Does yours rub off too?"

"I'm in shock. Look, I've got a blanket!"

"Get out.  I need to go to my mind palace."

"The world is woven from billions of lives, every strand crossing every other. What we call premonition is just movement of the web. If you could attenuate to every strand of quivering data, the future would be entirely calculable. As inevitable as mathematics."

"You should put that on a t-shirt."

"I'm soooo changeable. It is a weakness with me, but to be fair to myself, it is my only weakness."

"Every fairy tale needs a good old-fashioned villain. You need me or you're nothing — because we're just alike, you and I. Except you're boring. You're on the side of the angels."

"Just once, can you two behave like grown-ups?"

"Sentiment is a chemical defect found on the losing side."

"None of the cabs would take me."

"Also, your loss would break my heart."

"I can open any door, anywhere with a few tiny lines of computer code. No such thing as a private bank account now. All are mine. No such thing as secrecy. I OWN secrecy. Nuclear codes? I could blow up NATO in alphabetical order. In a world of locked rooms, the man with the key is king. And honey, you should see me in a crown."

"And you read my writing upside down. You see what I mean?"

"London. It’s like a great cesspool into which all kinds of criminals, agents and drifters are irresistibly drained. Sometimes it’s not a question of who, it’s a question of who knows."

"You've gone all croaky, you getting a cold?"

"All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage"

"I hope you'll be very happy. You deserve it. After all, not all people you fall for can turn out to be sociopaths."

"Is that a British Army Browning L9A1 in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?"

"...Murder. Sorry, did I say murder? I meant to say marriage. But, you know, they're quite similar procedures when you think about it. The participants tend to know each other and it's over when one of them's dead."

"That's clever.  Is it clever?  Why is it clever?"

"Interesting thing a tuxedo. Lends distinction to friends and anonymity to waiters."

"If I wasn't everything you think I am, everything that I think I am... would you still want to help me?"

[truthbeetoldmedia]

The 100 6x07 "Nevermind" Review

Hello fellow watchers! Did y’all breathe a sigh of relief as I did at the end of this episode? And while I’m at it, I'd like to take this moment to say: I LOVE when TV shows address mental and emotional traumas in a physical way in the characters heads. Give me Sherlock mind palace games all freaking day! That said, let's dive into the episode:

Dad, I had the strangest dream...

We pick up exactly where we left off in “Memento Mori”: Jaux!Clarke going to sleep in the real world and real Clarke waking up in her old Ark cell inside her own mind, surrounded by all of her most impactful memories decorating the walls like hipster graffiti art in an Asheville alleyway. She “hears” her memories as she touches them and walks through the exit door, only to stumble into her “sanctuary” (aka the real church she raised Madi in for 6 years) and be greeted by her dead father. Or rather, her memories of her father being animated by her subconscious. He’s all kindness and warmth when he asks her, “What's the last thing you remember?” She realizes with a start “I died” but, as her father points out, she still has a beating heart. As her BFF Bellamy Blake asked once: “Are we still breathing?” as a response to “Is there still hope?” And that beating heart is all Clarke needs to get her survival spark back.

She enters the next door in her mind and is face to face with none other than A.L.I.E. (Welcome back, Erica Cerra! We’ve all missed you...mostly.) A.L.I.E. gives Clarke the 4-1-1 on how she is still able to have her memories and a foothold in her own mind. Of course A.L.I.E. is all like “I tried to save you from this pain” but Clarke still has zero patience for even her memory version of this show’s “Woman in Red”, telling A.L.I.E. “there is no joy without pain.” She does however follow A.L.I.E.’s advice and takes her memory of saving Raven from the chip and hides it. A.L.I.E. also mentions Clarke’s darkest memories, her ‘traumas’ if you will, and how she can’t “let them go”, still being things she just buries rather than face or make peace with. She tells A.L.I.E., her voice littered with confusion, “You say these are my memories but there’s something here I’ve never seen.”

Josephine enters stage left

That something is a rather jolly door, decorated for Christmas, with a mix of music, screaming, and gunshots coming from behind it. Clarke opens the door only to be startled by Ms. Josephine herself, in her original body (I’m assuming in her mind that is how she sees herself) walking through from her memories right into Clarke’s...

She takes a minute to give some fake science facts about how both their minds can share a body, but not forever, so somebody’s gotta vacate Clarke Griffin town...and Josephine doesn’t have a body to return to, talk about an awkward roommate situation. Clarke has suffered and survived too much to just give her body over to Josephine willingly. So a battle of the wits it is.

Josephine gives us some unsettling deeper looks into perfecting the mind wipes — she was “jacked” into people with active minds before, including a six-month-old. Lovely girl. But they weren’t tech-advanced minds like Clarke’s so Josephine needs to know what makes Clarke’s mind so special. I love this kind of expositional dialogue when you are getting much needed information, and the headspace of the speaker, and Josephine is the perfect mix of this. She is ruthless, a sociopath as Clarke calls her, or psychopath — take your pick. She gets Clarke thinking so she can infiltrate her thoughts. Upon seeing Clarke’s ‘cell’ covered in all of her memory sketches, Josephine’s “I rescind my compliment” was a great line. I am a big fan of using Josephine as an audience insert into Clarke’s mind, as well as a way to callback and maybe even “fix” issues from last season’s jumble of plot. Like when she’s inspecting the sketches and reaches the Madi in a shock collar moment from Season 5 her comment of “child abuse dressed up as protection. Cool” made me actually say “ Yasss! Point out that issue from Season 5, queen!”

“Are you hiding a memory from me, Clarke?” She is one crafty B and I am into a Moriarty/Holmes kind of showdown with these two brilliant and dangerous ladies.

Of course it manifests as a physical fight, too. As they are fighting for control over Clarke’s body Clarke goes straight gang fight and slams Josephine’s head in the door jamb over and over until she is “dead” — but this being a mind fight she easily manifests in Clarke’s mind again, ready to fight. Clarke, brave but never dumb, decides running and hiding in her own mind might buy her some time.

The ghosts of choices: past, present, and future

Clarke’s first stop in her memory maze is her most recent bad decision that haunts her daily: leaving Bellamy to die in the fighting pit. But weirdly it’s a projection of Octavia there to guilt and shame her: “I really thought you cared about Bellamy.” The explanation that Octavia gives for Bellamy not being in the memory himself (because Clarke can’t stand the idea of facing him) is both a great idea, and a weak one? Because the deep trauma they’ve been through

TOGETHER would have made Clarke’s memories and reactions so much more emotional and visceral had Bellamy been there talking to her at some point. (If they don’t give Clarke a mind/memory moment with Bellamy this season, they will be wasting the opportunity for cathartic angst between main characters most writers DREAM about.)

Still, Clarke’s desperate tearful pleas of “he forgave me, he understands” was a great moment to reiterate the importance of Bellamy’s forgiveness and what he thinks about Clarke. Josephine’s comment “even your projections hate you Clarke” really hit me in the feels. Clarke hates herself so much that she injects it into how she thinks other people in her life perceive her.  (With Octavia, she’s probably not wrong.)

Clarke runs from her ‘leaving Bellamy’ memory right into the cold arms of her decisions at ‘Mt. Weather’ and the horribly disfigured mind ghost of Maya Vie, one of the shows most true and noble heroes. It was so great to see her back! Though if Jasper or Bellamy had been in Mt. Weather along with her I think the emotional impact would’ve been greater. Still Maya’s snarky yet cutting “too bad I wasn’t in that group, huh?” when Clarke pulls out her classic “my people” line was perfect.

Clarke’s choices have left a lot of dead bodies behind and she has never had the proper time and headspace to deal with the impact those choices have had on her own mind, body, and soul. I’m hoping one good thing that can come out of her being a hostage in her own body is that she will come back having worked through a lot of her issues in her mind and emotions. I mean I can at least dream about this possibility, okay?

Creepy Maya making Clarke realize she’s in control of her thoughts and memories was great. Josephine falling for her trap because she is so used to being in control of the situation was such a nice way to reveal she has weaknesses just like Clarke, hers being extreme hubris.

Clarke saying “Me? I’ll find a way to survive. I always do”  was such a “yassss! That’s my Clarke Griffin!” moment for me.

Also Josephine letting herself get shocked to “death” because she’s bored was such a nice touch to show her level of crazy town.

Finally we get to “that place”, the dark traumatic place Clarke hides her darkest, most hurtful memories: through the airlock she watched her dad get sucked out of and into the woods where the memories of the deaths of her only (so far) romantic partners are hiding. The first one being Finn, literally dying at her own hand because of Lexa! That should’ve been conveyed more, because it makes the fact that she loved and mourned Lexa even more traumatic and dark. But they seem to want to erase all the bad things Lexa did...which makes no sense to me but I digress. And in the lockbox two other deep loves are represented in the video of her dad and Jasper’s goggles. Also I teared up when Josephine tried to get the box open and Clarke finally gives in because she thinks Bellamy has given up the fight, so why shouldn’t she? And she puts in the code 0102 and tells her “you forgot Bellamy and Raven.” Ouch! My delinquent loving heart felt that pain deep. (I miss Season 1 so much sometimes guys!)

“Tell Madi I love her. Tell them all.” Bless her heart she was finally starting to live again and then they stole her and basically forced her to kill herself at gunpoint. But this brings us to my personal favorite cameo and part of the episode:

Hello to my son Monty Green! I love that Monty is the only version of a friend in Clarke’s  memory that isn’t hostile towards her? Or mad at her? Clarke knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that Monty Green loved her dearly and trusted her and Bellamy to take care of his only child. I love that Monty is the manifestation of Clarke’s moral center but also of her self love and problem solving. He’s the motivation to do better for her. And his comment “you call this doing better?” is both sad and satisfying! Leave it to the person who literally saved part of the human race to imprint his way of thinking on to her.

Of course his chat gets her motivated to not go down without a fight. When he offered her his hand...I got a little misty eyed. I miss him so much. Money suggesting entering Josephine’s mind was a great way to get to know what makes her tick. And YIKE! Her mind is a dark place. Seeing her best friend end up being her killer because Josephine killed her lover, and then seeing WHY she killed said lover: he was against oblation, aka literally leaving newborns to be slowly eaten by the forest. One of the darkest things this show has revealed (and that’s saying something) to try and keep the bloodlines “pure” for Primes. That’s some serious post apocalyptic Nazi thinking to be sure.

I love the fact that Josephine’s memories are categorized chronologically basically using the dewey decimal system because she is extra af, and of course the idea that if they can access her traumas they can control her body because our deep-seated traumas are the key to who we are as people is something you could unpack for days. Monty’s quip “I like your drawings better”, which is really Clarke saying that to herself, was a nice nod to Clarke at heart being a creative more than an analyst, if people would just let her live. LITERALLY.

So they break in to Josephine’s first trauma I’m assuming? And boy howdy it’s a doozy. College age Josephine is working away at homework (judging by the Christmas decor in the Riverdale-ish diner cramming for finals.) It’s neat to see the world before the bombs. The newspaper with Diyoza’s capture story, the magazine with Becca gracing the cover like a Fortune 500 queen. I love world building. Anyway back to the scene:

Josephine and her friend’s studying is interrupted by a very uncomfortably realistic “nice guy” taking over their space and demanding Josephine’s attention and time. Only when she says no he turns threatening and violent, tapping the handgun he places on the table — only to use the weapon on himself as he lays the blame of his own choices at Josephine’s feet, his warm blood misting her face. All of us women have had a moment where we’ve prayed  this person in front of us didn’t do something like this, or worse, to us. It triggers Josephine’s mind to the point that she comes after Clarke in a fury, tossing her out of her mind and not noticing she left her clever side (Monty) in the diner. Bravo Clarke! Also I would like to mention I know what happened to Josephine would be traumatic, but I feel Clarke has endured way worse? So kudos to Clarke Griffin for always being stronger than her darkest moment.

“I win” are Josephine’s first words upon waking up still in control of Clarke’s body (or so she thinks), with just a little nosebleed but she’s back among the living! And she knows how to permanently erase Clarke’s mind. Josephine’s day is starting much better than her previous night...or is it?

Because as she enters the room with her father and Bellamy negotiating for team space pops! to have a home. Bellamy “if we pretend you didn’t murder Clarke” Blake (as always his dramatic self) notices a “new” tic Jaux!Clarke has picked up, finger tapping...and upon further study he notices a pattern:

She’s tapping out a message! In Morse code!! (Shoutout to Earth Skills teacher Charles Pike! You legend!) Clarke Griffin is pulling a Will from Stranger Things and calling Bellamy through blinking the Christmas lights of the diner into Morse code. And he’s finally “ in range” for her 2200th message! He knows within two seconds it’s her trying to tell him she’s alive. There is no doubt, all bets are off, Clarke Griffin is ALIVE. “We’re gonna get her back” he says to Miller, smiling. Screw peace. It’s not worth it if she isn’t in this world to share it. Heart Bellamy is back, benches! AND I AM HERE FOR IT.

Final thoughts and tidbits:

I really wish they would’ve shown an old scene of Wells since they couldn’t get it worked out to have Eli Goree back.

I loved the tight dialogue scenes and limited character focus again in this episode. There’s just too many characters to focus on all at once. On that note: my kingdom for a Bellamy-centric episode where we get to hear his innermost fears, hopes, thoughts. Give it to me.

I really loved the concept of this episode and how it reminded me that this is the same Clarke Griffin from the pilot, and the Mt. Weather. Sometimes this show feels it’s grown too far from its roots.

Eliza has become so good at micro expressions.

I love Josephine as the “Anti-Clarke”: she’s smart, artistic, cute, blonde, and deadly. Just like Clarke, but where Clarke wants everyone to have a chance at life,only using her power when she feels cornered, Josephine enjoys being privileged and judging who’s fit to live from her seat of power. She likes playing God. Clarke loathes it. Josephine and Sanctum are a physical manifestation of all the “big bads” this show has ever had: there’s some A.L.I.E, Lexa, Dante, Cage, Pike, Diyoza, Octavia,McCreary, Nia AND Clarke at her most ruthless wrapped up and baked into Josephine and the people of Sanctum. Echoing all the lessons learned, and not, throughout the seasons. It’s working really well for this season.

Check back next week for our thoughts on “operation get Clarke back” here at TBT!

Gina’s episode rating: 🐝🐝🐝🐝

The 100 airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on the CW.

[trinitykitten]

BNHA Ideas. Angsty and Gay.

Okay! These are some BNHA Au’s and little ‘skits’ I came up with and have had for a while. I have two more that are far more thought out. I don’t really plan on writing out any of these so feel free to use the ideas! I’d love to see them come to life! I’ll post the other two if people want them.

*Bakugo and Uraraka fighting*

Tsuyu to Todoroki: Unstoppable force meet immovable object.

Midoriya: Both of you stand down now.

*Uraraka and Bakugo grudgingly comply*

Todoroki to Tsuyu: Unstoppable force, immovable object. Meet undeniable order.

———

Angsty one:

Midoriya records the stories of all his classmates and friends.

And a lot of there deaths.

Yeaaahhhhh fucking morbid, but hey. He’s preserving their memory.

Also even better if he becomes a villain.

———

Animatic:

Girls/Girls/Boys

Tsuyu Ochako Izuku

I think this one explains itself.

———

YUTS Midoriya plays a prank on Endeavour he calls the “Christmas Carol” prank.

He gets Hino to be past, Nana present, and Rei future. Christmas Day Endeavour gets a special visit. Todoroki is informed, probably after he notices his father panicking, that this is a Christmas present from the ghosts and Midoriya.

OKAY BUT HOW DID NO ONE MAKE THIS YET ITS TO PERFECT.

———

Kohei Horikoshi as a BNHA character.

Quirk: Guiding flame

His quirk allows him to manipulate the world and people around him as if he were writing them in a story. Limitations are that the “rewrites” have to already be possible and he can not change the past no matter how much he may want to.

Horikoshi seems to like fire quirks a lot so I put a nod to that in naming his would be quirk.

———

1-A fights for Deku’s love but Shinsou pops up and joins in.

They set up a tournament style thing with trivia and obstacle courses. Eventually they all just start arguing over the results and how it’s unfair and doesn’t mean anything.

Then Deku, who has been trying to get there attention this whole time, is told to decide who gets to be his boyfriend/girlfriend and he just yells “IM AROMATIC YOU IGNORAMUSES.”

They are all shocked the precious bean called them dumb but more saddened by the knowledge they never had a chance to begin with.

———

“Todoroki you bitch get back here!”

Uraraka “W-was that??? DID DEKU JUST CALL TODOROKI A BITCH??”

Todoroki running for his life “Can we PLEASE focus on calming him down?!??!!??”

Uraraka “If even Deku is cursing you out you probably don’t deserve being saved from his wrath.”

Bakugou hiding under a couch “Bitch your on your own try not to fucking die.”

———

Soulmarks AU:

People are connected with soulmarks which are pictures of animals like bunnies or deer and such. To differentiate between different ‘Clans’ all people within a group have the same animal with the same colors. It is possible to be apart of several groups though it’s extremely rare to be connected to more than three groups. Groups consist of ‘Watchers’ and ‘Followers’. Watchers take care of their followers physical and mental health and followers are extremely loyal and protective of their watchers.

Watchers are not necessarily stronger or older than their followers but they are often empathetic, or have leadership qualities. Many clans stay together or stay in touch most of their lives. Some even work together as heroes or in gangs.

———

Todo, Deku, Uraraka, Iida, and Bakusquad are hanging out in the dorms. Bakugo went to bed at 8:30 like the nerd he is.

Ashido: Hey Mido, why does Bakugo seem to hate you so much? What happened?

Deku: Oh I think it’s mostly because I dumped him.

Denki: Wait, WHAT.

Uraraka: You dumped HIM?

Todo: You dated him?

*Iida, Ashido, and Hanata in shook silence*

Kirishima: Dude you need to explain a bit more than that.

Deku: *eyes shining with manic glee* Middle school was fun.

Kirishima: Maybe be a little more specific?

*Text from Baku* : I sense a disturbance.

Everyone starts freaking out while Deku just starts texting back : I was wondering, does your dislike of me have anything to do with getting absolutely overthrown in middle school?

Baku: Fuck you. No. I’m not that petty I just wanna destroy the competition.

Deku: I’m competition? I’m flattered!

Baku: Whatever nerd. When you gunna ask out IcyHot?

Deku: When you gunna stop hitting Kiri and just ask him out?

Baku: NIGHT BITCH.

———

Trans!Bakugo

His parents are fashion designers in canon so to add a bit to that they make more androgynous cloths and things like sports wear including some top of the line sports bras and jackets.

———

Midoriya attempts to get Aizawa off coffee onto hot chocolate instead. (With help from Mic and Midnight)

He starts bringing coffee to Aizawa in the mornings at the dorms because ‘I made to much and figured you want some’ he just keeps doing this until it’s expected. He also slowly starts changing what he brings to be more hot chocolate than not. Mic and Midnight help this along by swapping Aizawa’s own coffee out with a mixture Midoriya made of coco powder and coffee grounds.

Eventually after like three months he walks up to Aizawa in the teacher dorms and hands him a big hot chocolate with wiped cream and says “here’s your coffee.” In deadpan while the other teachers giggle in the background.

Aizawa who immediately figures out what’s happened just takes it and says thanks. Making Mic start laughing like a maniac.

———

Midoriya

Quirk: Split.

It lets him ‘split’ himself creating clones of himself that represent different sides of himself. This includes ‘Sunshine boy’ ‘Deku’ ‘Villain’ ‘Hero’ and ‘Nerd’.

‘Sunshine Boy’ or Midori is the child like caring side that gets the other sides to get along.

Deku is the depressed one that, after meeting his new friends at UA starts to basically turn into Amajiki.

Villain who goes by Midoriya is like Monoma and is kinda crazy. He’s also the second smartest of the group.

Hero responds to Izuku and ‘HELP ME’ (hehe jokes) he’s the super determined one that runs at danger without realizing to save anyone. He’s kinda an idiot.

Nerd likes to be called Izu and is the smartest and the one that generally keeps the others in check. He is analysis and knows everything there is to know about every hero and villain he is aware of. Which is basically all of them.

They sometimes only come out a few at a time which lets the others influence change their personalities slightly.

An example being if only Deku and villain ‘came out’ they would be really chill. Deku just being a bit shyer than Midoriya usually would be and Villain having a shorter fuse.

- Villain (Midoriya)

Is a huge dork and would rather cause wide spread inconvenience and petty theft of snacks rather than actually hurting anyone due to the efforts of Midori and his therapist. Midori is pretty much the only one he listens to and is the one who first got through to the big old tsundere.

———

Deku does a flip off the roof and starts haunting Bakugo to make sure he becomes the number one hero. That his punishment. Atone you don’t have a choice.

Everyone else can see Deku when he wants to be seen, he chooses to let Bakugo see him most of the time. Turns out broccoli boi had a quirk. That quirk is called haunt. It lets him hang around some and keep track of his mother and the Bakugous because they where the only people he really knew and cared about when he was alive. He hangs out with his mom some times when he can but mostly he sticks to watching Bakugo and his new friends.

When Bakugo gets kidnapped he’s pretty sure Deku will just float around and watch to see how it goes like normal but instead he flips out. He wasn’t teleported with Bakugo cause he flitted off to help Kota, this lead to him not being able to get through the portal in time. So he makes himself known and basically drags Aizawa and All Might to where he is. He goes to Bakugo ahead of the heroes and frets and fusses about his precious Kacchan severely confusing the villains because “Why can’t I hit this kid?!??”. Deku had been becoming more protective of the class but after that basically decides 1A is now his adopted family and devotes himself to keeping them out of trouble.

———

Deku is a mob boss but runs it really well and takes care of his employees. Then on the side he’s taking out super villains and dealing with media drama. He’s got different people running different things; Todoroki, Bakugou, Uraraka, Iida, and Tsu help take care of organization, distribution, security, and resources. While the rest of the class has slightly lower and more specialized roles but are still in charge of their respective programs. Some by themselves while others work in groups of two or three.

1A are all apart of ‘security team A’

Most of them have other jobs they do within the mob but some, like Bakugo work full time in the security team. The A team work as bodyguards for the ones in charge while in public and they all work together to take out strong villains and especially villain organizations.

So there working on taking out the Eight precepts of death and they decide they’re gunna need some outside help with it. So Izuku, being the all knowing people person that he is in this Au calls Aizawa up on his phone and asks if he wants to help destroy a villain organization. Aizawa thinks it’s sketchy as fuck but he goes anyway and is extremely confused when this LITERAL CHILD. Yes a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD BOY. Just walks up like “Hello my name is Midoriya Izuku.” And Aizawa is even more confused because This is apparently the guy that owns most of the fucking city. Izuku is having none of the “your a literal child how are you CEO of so many businesses” and he just replies with “When you own the mob the mob does things for you.” And turns around to walk down the street towards where Bakugo and Todoroki are waiting with a tinted window car and fully decked in suit tie and so many god damn weapons it’s ridiculous you can’t actually see any of them. So of course Aizawa is n o t getting in the car with a bunch of shady fifteen year olds that may or may not be affiliated with the mob. “Alright what do you want from me.”

Izuku explains Eri’s situation and somehow convinces Aizawa to help and he eventually just kinda joins the mob as an unofficial babysitter for all of them.

———

The “Midoriya saved us from low key pedophile villains” club

It’s just Bakugou, Kota, and Eri.

———

Let her go

Post BakuDeku

Baku sad cause Deku is either dead or a villain.

———

Symphony of... Delay idea

In an exercise both classes are apart of everyone gets into pairs of two, trying to last as long as possible against the rest of the two classes. It’s basically a giant man hunt in one of the bigger training areas. However, to make it more fair on the pairs that have to run away and defend themselves, the classes where given two weeks to prepare a strategy and gear. Todoroki and Midoriya of course team up and come to the brilliant conclusion they’re going to become a dark souls boss and totally screw everyone over.

They recruit Mei to make them extra warm winter outfits that still let them fight. Then they get to work on making Todoroki’s ice more precise with Mido boosting it. They also ask Recovery girl about the energy gummies she has after checking they could bring snacks. After asking Aizawa if he had any suggestions as to where they could practice a particularly large and blatantly obvious “Move” they where trying to perfect Aizawa got them a pass to one of the training grounds that weren’t being used at the moment. Aizawa was (though he’d never admit it) kinda exited to see this play out. It was going to be hilarious.

The day of reckoning. Todo and Mido went last. Everyone was given breaks in between each persons turn which lasted from a minute to ten minutes each. Though the breaks weren’t particularly short, they had been doing this all day and where getting tiered by then. A couple people where cocky due to the last pair seeming distracted earlier. Someone had seen the two arguing and it made it even easier to doubt them.

That was a mistake.

Todoroki and Midoriya’s plan included this:

- Act like they’re not working together properly.

- Go in to the area as far away from the starting point as possible.

- Midoriya boosts Todo’s ice and they frost the entire area.

- Ice palace.

- Todoroki sitting on a throne in the main hall with Midoriya on a balcony behind him playing the Boss Music which consists of different boosts he can use on Todoroki the ice king : New Dark souls boss.

- Midoriya of course snacking on energy gummies and using offensive music against anyone who gets to close to his perch.

Chaos ensues.

———

Midoriya, Shinsou, and Todoroki’s spirit animal: Scotty Sire

Mido: Mister Glassman

Toshi: awkward

Todo: Notice me

[amplesalty]

Day 5 - Saving Christmas (2017)

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.

FIVE SIDED RING!!!! No, wait...four. GOD DAMNIT!

No, sadly not a remake of the modern day Kirk Cameron classic. Why does Christmas need saving all the damn time? It needs to become empowered so it can save itself once in a while.

Anyway, with this and the Halloween movies, I tend to keep a wordpad document where I will note down any interesting sounding movies I come across so I might watch them in future years. Apparently I must have added this last year but I have no earthly idea where I picked it up from, probably that message board. It's always a bit weird going back through that list a year or two down the line with no context so I have no idea what these things are or how I found them in the first place. Like, spoiler for some future year, I have 3615 code Père Noël on the list but just looking on that makes me think I've copied some weird HTML code somehow.

The only note I've made on that entire list, outside of just film names, is on this noting 'Mike and Maria Bennett'. So clearly again I'm having to make my own way in the world of Christmas/wrestling mashups since WWE still isn't bothering. Still, Becky Lynch was just in that new Marine sequel so that might be neat. And Luke Harper was in one of their movies at the start of the year. I still can't believe Ted DiBiase Jr of all people was in The Marine 2. That guy always seemed so utterly devoid of charisma.

The Bennetts are just the tip of the iceberg though, as this credits roll shows. Tommy Dreamer, Matt Striker AND Gangrel?! Hell yes. Though, who casts Gangrel in a kids movie, honestly? I'm sure he has a...questionable filmography, shall we say. He directed porn, right? I'm assuming directed, I can't imagine someone casting him as a performer...

As an aside, can we all take a moment to appreciate the wonderful wonderful power ballad that is Mike and Maria Kanellis' WWE theme?

Also, as part of the credits, we learn that we're in Norepole, Maine. This both makes me confused for half the movie when I'm unsure if people are saying North Pole or Norepole,  and also worried about what supernatural events are going to go down. It's a possessed wrestling title and it's murdering everyone!

Let's try and get through the dull part of the movie which is pretty much the entire first hour. We have a bunch of kids that seem to be directly ripping off Ghosbusters, trying to track down a trap a ghost, whilst also dabbling in a little testing of psychic abilities. Though, I think this kid has a genuine interest in the subject. Venkman was probably just doing it for grant money, chicks or both.

Only, Douchebag McGee turns up with his hanger on to hassle our gang here. For as bad as this movie is, they at least foreshadow this one kids later betrayal by having him shut his camera off and not even take the footage to any of the teachers to rat on the bully. That or he's just following the code of the schoolyard.

Ooooh, he threw the kids science report in the bin. Real badass over here. Well, he does take it a bit too far by insulting the kids dead father. Again, just the tip of the iceberg though, we'll come back to this.

Meanwhile, we have a budget Rob Lowe over here who rocks up to a lady's salon for a hair cut. He has a cute little dog with him though so one suspects he's here for the women. It's certainly not for a haircut, $25 he pays and his hair looks literally the same for the rest of the movie.

He works for the big toy factory in town under 'Rick', played by Edward Asner. Man, that guy is old and he's still racking up credits left, right and centre. Surprise, he's actually Santa. But he feels too old and crotchety to be Santa. Where's the heart? Where's the love?!

As part of their supernatural fixation, the kids focus on a new task: to prove Santa is real. Well, it's partially for SCIENCE and partially because his little sister has become so jaded towards Christmas. After her Dad died, how could a terrible world such as this deserve something as lovely as Christmas? This must be the world's most miserable 8 year old.

Unfortunately, little Danny's belief that Santa is caught on film by soon to be former friend Jake, who gives it to the bully who plasters it all over...'Friendsbook'. I love when movies and TV shows have to come up with fake versions of social media. Friendsbook seems too sappy to ever get over. Defintely a step down from the less subtle 'Mybook' or 'Facespace'. Danny's friend pretty clearly says Facebook as well so I dunno if they had some rights issue or something that they had to sub in the visual stuff last minute? Billion dollar company and that's what your app looks like? State of it...

Back at the salon, Sammy's attempts to bang Danny's mom have now racked him up $50 in hair cut fees and he's still not had anything in the way of restyling. 24 hour bed head, that guy.

As part of the kids efforts to track down Santa, I can't believe this is a spoken like in this movie, Danny says he 'hacked the Norepole Mall database and got a list of mall Santa's from the past decade.' He also later claims that he has free reign over the toy company's security cameras but can only shutdown their security network for 9 minutes. Clearly having access to a laptop is all that it takes to be a 1337 haxor in Hollywood. One of those is now the promoter of the wrestling show in town, the XWA. If you guessed that the X stands for XTREME, ding ding ding! A winner is you!

The kids however are a little distracted by marking out over Matt Taven. Come on, he's not even good enough to get in the opening credits! Or a close up. The promoter basically tells them that he enjoyed putting smiles on everyone's faces as Santa so that's what lead him to the wrestling biz. I feel there's definitely a parallel to be drawn between Christmas and wrestling. They're both still real to me, damnit!

Sammy explains everything to Danny's mom, that being that he is actually working the real actual Santa Claus who needs a makeover. If only for the sake of plot convenience, she readily accepts this rather than running in the opposite direction. Apparently back in the day, his company and 'a very popular soda company' (he did the air quotes and everything) put Santa on the map but it's the 21st century now. As Sammy puts it, enough is enough and it's time for a change! Firstly, I knew it! You lied to me, Snopes dot com. Coca Cola did invent Santa! Secondly, it's alright Sammy, we know Santa is not a nugget. This is all well and good but I sense a problem with dressing Santa in jorts considering the time of year he has to work. Guy looks like a more urban Hugh Hefner.

If we give Santa a hip new makeover and have him turn up at the XWA Gingerbread Brawl, it could result in the most lkes, shares and retweets of all time! That's a pretty good name, it's no Seasons Beatings or Fabulous February Fight Fest but still, pretty good. And, as for the most retweets? I'm pretty sure you have to be begging for a lifetime supply of nugs to get that title.

We've now come to the best part of the movie, hands down. Danny and his sister are walking home from school. As an end of term assignment, she had to create something based around the one thing she could have for Christmas. So, she makes a memory box full of photos and mementos of her departed Father. That's odd, why did they take the time to have an establishing shot of a wood chipper? I sure this isn't ominous in the slightest.

The bully soon comes into frame. His latest plan is to steal all the evidence that Danny and co have been compiling on the whereabouts of Santa so that he can claim all the credit himself. He figures that box must have everything in it so promptly takes it. But rather than just run off with it, he takes the odd decision to kick it into the air....oh no.

Oh God! The whole thing unfolds in slow motion, a sorrowful song drowns out everything but the dull roar of wood chipper on cardboard action, as Danny's sister breaks down in tears and the bully is in tears of laughter. This is played like the death of Bambi's mother and Mufasa all rolled into one and my God is it beautiful. Danny on the other hand, he doesn't take kindly to this and promptly lays the Smacketh-down on the bully like he's Ralphie Parker on ol' Yellow Eyes.

Right, now that's out of the way, it's time for your main event! Maria Kanellis makes he showstopping, 15 second appearance to recite The Night Before Christmas to a packed locker room of all of 4 people.

Why is Tommy Dreamer on play-by-play?!

And why do your tickets say WXE despite the fact you're clearly the XWA?

I like how in a podunk town of 3,000 people, Matt Striker still has to play as the backstage interviewer. And rather than the Vampire Warrior that we are accustomed to, Gangrel now appears to be a viking called Tucker Von Magnus. Fantastic. You know how Matt Striker would always come up with those stupid names for people? Like Yoshi Tatsu was the Poison Fist of the Pacific Rim? Let's brain storm one for Vampire Viking over here, let's make this a thing.

By the way, isn't it weird that WWE had to license out the name Gangrel from Vampire: The Masquerade? A very odd collision of worlds there.

You know that whole 'Card subject to change' thing? Yeaaaaaaaaah, about that. Turns out Max Miracle (Mike Bennett) had a little motorbike accident and now can't wrestle anymore. But don't worry, he'll defend his title at January Jam! Pre-order your tickets now! Didn't you learn anything from Bret Hart?!

Holy shit, nuclear heat for this. Tommy tries to to calm the crowd down but they are having none of it. As far as I'm concerned, all of this crap in the ring represents these fans out here!

"Uh-oh, and a flying soda to the eye now rendering Tommy Dreamer partially blind." "Wow, this....this truly is a black day for the XWA."

Well, either that or, knowing Tommy Dreamer, he’s probably just crying over something.

Nevermind that, Max Miracle's replacement is non other than Santa freakin' Claus! The bully isn't buying it though and promptly jumps the rail, grabs a mic and cuts a promo on the guy. I say jumps the rail, more like takes a step to the side around the rail. How do we know this is the real Santa?

Well, for one thing, the real Santa can fly. Tommy Dreamer can't believe his one good eye.

Also, the real Santa can magically teleport Max Miracle from his home to the middle of the ring, bad foot and all. Crowd goes banana for this, including one dad who even draws a skeptical look from his daughter. She's like 'Jeez, Dad. Calm down, it's only Michael Bennett.' They act like he's a mega babyface but the guy signed his own cast earlier! What a narcissist.

All it takes is for Santa to lay his healing hands on that cast though and all is well and Max can take on the challenge of the Viking and his evil manager. This is the part I'm calling bullshit on. I didn't sit through nearly an hour and a half of this garbage to sit through a Mike Bennett vs Gangrel match, I wanted Santa vs Gangrel!

Max goes over with, of all things, a suplex and then scoop slamming the manager on top of Gangrel for the pin. Not even a Brainbuster, just a bog standard suplex. What is this, the 80's? Minus 5 stars! Still, probably the only televised victory he’s had within the past year.

[pigletsmiddlefinger-blog]

Day One

Conversations are starting to echo through the same loop. Experiences are turning from a physical and emotional presence into observations. Any form of patience that exists is interrupted by an uncontrollable jolt of anger similar to a grumpy old man possessing my body. Anxiety is mutating and has created a permanent structure - a pump stationed in my chest compressing, pumping, stabbing, and radiating tension through my veins as quickly as possible while tiredness is causing notes, passions - everything that’s truly important - to slow and dull through my fingers. I find myself reaching for words in songs as if I can physically touch them - similar to trying to grab someone’s hand as they dangle off of a cliff in a 3D movie.

I find myself seeking truth in scanning body language and the expressions of others. Art has never looked so beautiful. Each line represents a thought or emotion someone else had and lived through. Songs have never been so alive. I’m able to be fully immersed in the exact emotion that was created for each song. They cradle me and then carry me back in time like the ghost from Christmas past giving me a second chance to walk through each unique moment only this time with a heart of love and wonder. A reminder of how special life can be even when you may have previously thought a specific event to be insignificant. A catalog of experiences recorded on tape over time. Each tape assigned to an emotion that I can draw from my collection and press play at any time. Pure Imagination, Good for You, Mad World, Mia and Sebastian’s Theme, The District Sleeps Alone Tonight, Mouth of War, Love is a Losing Game, All I Want is You, Violin Concerto: II, I’d Rather go Blind, Cochise, I am the Highway, One by One, Ex-Factor.

Wait..wait wait wait. Shit…Shiiiiiiit. Dissasocistion, irritability, mood swings, internalization, vacations to 1998 la la land via the Third Eye Blind express. It happened again. I’ve been stuck in this cycle for a week comparable to a slow motion car crash from the movies. Another doubt caused my body and brain to prepare for failure by shutting down in order to have the strength to process and survive the predicable yet unavoidable situation on the horizon. Unfortunately the impact has already passed and the car has stopped moving. I can tell because I’m able to focus on the broken and smoked glass laying on the asphalt as it cuts into my face. I can tell because I wake up feeling nauseated and hungover without the fun that usually goes with it and I have no memory of the actual impact. Surely I should’ve been able to record the event that I survived that caused so much destruction but maybe there wasn’t an event to begin with, maybe there wasn’t a start, end, beginning, purpose…just pure failure. I’m without a doubt alone again. Heart ripped out. Stomach gutted. Chest crushed. Yada yada.

Day One. Day One. Day fucking One.

I’ve been here many times before (hence my preference in music as previously outlined) and each effort to process my experiences and move forward has become less and less productive considering the end results are all the same.

First comes butterflies, chase, connection, the idea that this time it’s real, followed by actions and words that reinforce that it is real. From today’s top ten hits such as “You’re the best”, “My Dreamgirl”, “My dear”, “I haven’t stopped thinking about you since we met”, “I want us to be honest with one another” to the classics such as “I’ll always love you”, “I was put on this earth for you I swear”, “I’m going to trick her into marrying me”, “I haven’t had a girlfriend in forever but I think you might be the one”, “If anything ever happens to us I wouldn’t know what to do I’d probably have to move to another state in sadness”, “You’re meeting my mom”, sprinkled with home cooked meals, introduction to friends, romance, and talk of future plans. You can throw the he’s just not that into you rulebook out the window for today’s love bombing men. That book practically handed men a manual on what not to do if they wanted a woman to fall for them…and shit they serioisly had to make a movie about it that plays every Valentine’s Day just in case they need a refresher course each year…Reassurance…the ingredient that removes all doubts allowing a woman to be truly vulnerable, feminine, sparkle, and selfless. A fragile state of being that should be cherished. But this fragile state seems to only ever exist for a moment because it takes so much for a woman to feel reassured…so rather than go through the effort to keep this vulnerable mystical creature alive- once it’s been played with, it’s taken for granted and typically returned within the 30 day dating window return policy with a shock to the system…30 days, long enough to enjoy but brief enough to question any adult’s sanity who is emotionally impacted by the short duration of the experience and connection to the rented object… it’s almost as if we’re expected these days to provide a receipt with each kiss and expected to immediately hire a construction crew to constantly build emergency exists in the background during the entire period of the relationship…we’re expected to indulge but not have feelings…we’re expected to be prepared to apologize if we do in fact develop real feelings…we’re expected to expect and accept the end of a relationship…we live in a world where people completely avoid love, pain, rejection or any idea of it. They only want love and pain when they’re told that they can’t have it - when they feel rejected. Fucking golden egg children. We live in a world consumed by self preservation, entitlement, and a targeted will to survive… but there are how many billions of us? How many infinite number of potential connections? We are surrounded by people and different cultures, we have the freedom of speech in this country and all of the tools it requires to take risks, build ourselves, destroy ourselves, be exceptional, and have the luxury to fucking feel and express ourselves- yet we take it all for granted and throw our lives away.

That’s when the reminder sinks in…that no matter who you are, what you feel, what you do, what you give, it’s never enough and people suck, hide in fear, dishonesty, and selfishness. Most people don’t give a fuck about you period. You’re a wallet, a new toy, a pretty face, an accessory, a fun time, a house keeper, a cook, a nurse, a series of short stories - companionship - nothing really special nothing new; therefore, as soon as you show humanity and expect sacrifice, commitment, and or compromise as reassurance that your vulnerability isn’t in vein, you’re redefined as dead weight, a speed bump, an old toy, a clingy desperate creature, a crazy fool, an insecure puppet, an idiot, an annoying talkative child, or best yet a mere distraction. Never worth an invitation to be truly inspected, understood, or cherished. Never worth the courage it takes to let go and let someone in. Never worth an invitation to be on the same team unless you know how to play the game. The basics of the game are be impermeable to vulnerability from the start in order to have power in the relationship and never be the one who adores the other person more. My first boyfriend’s Jewish mom told me this once “In marriage, there’s always someone who loves the other person more”. I remember thinking to myself…wtf? What about everybody fucking communicating and giving it their all and seeing all of the love in each other? Not taking it for granted or using it as a platform for power and manipulation? Why can’t we chose to be with people we love unconditionally - people who can rip us apart and destroy us beyond recognition if they die? Why are relationships calculated? Every minute on this earth is more precious than the last. We are anomalies that have walked out of the stars by some miracle of events that took billions of years and more luck than winning a billion powerballs in a row.

I refuse to play the game. Never played it and never will. I either have romantic feelings or I don’t. If I don’t have romantic feelings I’m clear about it and offer plutonic friendship. Growing up looking like a boy - I’m seasoned in the art of plutonic relationships. Romance is tricky and I learned the hard way (AKA seven years of my life) you either have chemistry or you don’t. And if I do have romantic feelings for someone - feelings that appear to be reciprocated, I dive in head first into the coral hoping I come out alive. So here I am…alone again…no games…no playbook…with a few pieces of coral stuck in my head.

This is why my team gave up a long time ago and demanded so much more from me. So much more than the courage to be vulnerable and feminine. So much more than the desire to be in a partnership. They demand self sufficiency, logic, knowledge, confidence, physical strength, and all the building materials to withstand a category five hurricane. My true friends, my family, my team- they’re the real superheros in this world.

Day one after day one after day one - whether it’s starting something new by choice or being set back by others - the wheel keeps bringing me back to the beginning and never seems to end. Maybe it’s finally starting to drive me mad. Maybe it’s changing my physical makeup and turning me into rubber allowing me to be resilient like I was as a child. Maybe I’m starting to enjoy it knowing with each fresh start I have a new chapter in my life book under “how to deal with the asshole human race for dummies”. Maybe I’m starting to enjoy it knowing that there’s so much possibility with a new beginning…an infinite number souls and minds, songs, blades of grass to lay on while gazing out into each direction of infinity.

As a child I survived on this concept. I survived on the idea of infinity. I survived on the stars, the blades of grass, the asphalt that makes you feel connected to worlds away. I survived on the weightlessness of water while being submerged in pools. The strength and resistance of air you feel while being propelled through it or while sticking your hands and face outside of the window of a moving car. The untamed power of watching and feeling fireworks as they exploded, shook your bones, and damaged your ear drums. But nothing felt more infinite than human touch from someone you loved. Love can turn skin into electricity magically raising each hair from your toes to your back to your arms, to your neck. Love can make a single arm feel as heavy, protective, and as encompassing as a tank shielding you from all harm. A single touch can close your eyes without touching your face.

So here’s my attempt at deconstruction in the hopes that a literal description of the output of my configuration will somehow make me feel less alone in this world and help guide me through this journey called love.

Chapter One. Day One.

Real physical pain. The type of pain that makes you believe that life as you know it will never be the same. The type of pain that is so excruciating that it turns seconds into days making breathing unbearable. The type of pain that carves a pit in your stomach turning everything familiar to you - all your loved ones, all the places you’ve visited, your experiences, the maze of memories you created, even your own hands and your own body - turning all of these things into strangers. The type of pain that only completely satisfied people can accept…but for the rest of us it’s just a reminder for how alone, insecure, primative, and how desperate we are to survive.

This is my day one. My very first memory. My very first experience. My very first emotion.

A beautiful piece of art I couldn’t comprehend. A climb. A grab. A leap that felt like my stomach wouldn’t make it with my body to the ground. Then fear knowing something was wrong and coming down to harm us. Then strength wanting to hold and protect this beautiful piece of art I placed more value on than my life. Holding it tightly with both hands while I curled my body around it to protect it. I could feel each inch of that dresser as it got closer to me and to this day I swear I can sense things coming towards my spine before they physically connect. The crash we all fear - the moment the object makes contact - the scenes in the movies that cost millions of dollars to rectify - the scenes that are filmed at a million angles - I have no memory of this grand theatrical spectacle. No matter how hard I try to remember the sensation, no matter how hard I try to capture the unbelievable experience of living through an impact significant enough to slice a piece of your spine off- it all just goes black. But I remember being stuck, crushed, losing all patience while seconds turned into days and I just wanted the hell out of that uncomfortable crushing situation. I then remember laying in bed for what seemed like a lifetime. Unable to breathe. Unable to move. Pain constant with no escape.

A crash course in wonder, butterflies, excitement, fear, strength/protectiveness, and hyper sensitivity all taught within a couple of minutes to a blank soul followed by seemingly endless physical pain, breathlessness, and emotional frustration. The one lesson I didn’t learn from this experience was to stop climbing shit, stop being crazy, and stop monkeying around every free second...which is why my parents threw me into every activity and eventually decided professional training in how to climb and flip your body was the only option. What really got me through the entire experience was frustration. I don’t think that we give frustration enough credit. Frustration forces us to be so much more than we are - fearless, practical, grown up - giving us no choice but to put aside all other emotions as well as the depth and complexity of a situation in order to simplify it, comprehend it, focus on it and arrive to a solution before you pull all of your hair out.

Frustration demands us to move on and it doesn’t let go until we do. Maybe frustration will finally force me to to move on, shrink my heart, and give up on love. Maybe then I’ll play the game and at least get a prize at the end of the journey like the ones everyone else has taken from me…but until that time comes I guess I’ll keep finding myself laying here on the asphalt in shock, spine crushed, chest crushed, stomach carved, unable to breathe, blood fueled by anxiety…desperate and confused starring into infinity trying to find answers within these infinitely long seconds while holding onto your return receipt.

Day One