#i support women's wrongs and woman's level of freak.

[lyricalt]

[severance minific] WOLVES TAKE YOU AWAY

Character: Helena Eagan (mentions of Helly/Mark) Rating: G Prompt: the hanged man Note: Something quick for March's Challenge Week over at fic_promptly on Dreamwidth. Please check the comm out. I'll also be a guest host for next week, March 10-15th! :)

(Spoilers for season 2, ep 2.)

----

Of the four tempers, Helena has always been partial to Malice. She can guess at her own composition. A moderate amount of Woe, a touch of Frolic, a humble amount of Dread. But Malice—Malice is action and ambition driven by spite and isn’t so shaky and unfocused as Dread.

(Dread pounds constantly in her skull and chest, in her core. Helena admires Malice, but in her heart she knows she is made mostly of Dread. At night, she hears the angry rumble of her father’s voice. She recites the compunction statement the same amount of times as Helly R. but breaks sooner, head against the mirror of her bathroom, voice shaky.)

She stares at Helly through the security footage, and she envisions Malice coming to life. Cord around her neck, the scar of it.

Helly kisses Mark.

Helena rewinds the recording. It doesn’t make sense. Helly should be made of the same components. Helly should dread, and fear. And have a heart filled with woe.

Helly kisses Mark.

Helly pushes out from the elevator and kisses Mark.

Helly grins. She has more Frolic in her than Helena could ever imagine to want. Helena rewinds the tape.

Helly R. has same composition but she should be a shadow of Helena Eagan. No past nor history or foundation to stand on—

Nothing to stand on, only to hang from. By the neck.

The cool gray-blue tones of the elevator turn red with Helly’s malice while leaving Helena with dread and woe in her veins, heart pumping sluggishly with them until the elevator chimes again and Helly’s malice like hands squeezing around her throat.

Helly kisses Mark.

Rewind again. Helena stares. She can have this malice in her as well. She has it, and she will temper it better than Helly ever could.

[tzatairovic]

The discourse about Zendaya and her acting ability drives me crazy because people put these insane standards on her that they don't apply to anyone else.

The fact of the matter is, people don't like that a WOC has reached white woman levels of popularity. There's a ceiling they believe she is allowed to reach, and now that she's surpassed that, they act like she has to justify her popularity.

But they never hold whitw actors and men to that standard. The most popular actors in Hollywood have never been the "technical best" actors.

Tom Cruise doesn't have much range, Jennifer anniston has played the same character for almost 20 years, Keanu reeves sucks when he plays outside of type, Ryan Reynolds plays the same character every time, Henry Cavill is very limited in his range (and his looks make up for a lot). Zendaya is a much better/well rounded actress than say Chris Pratt, yet there wasn't this level of backlash when he was cast as Hollywood's leading man in everything for YEARS.

If you bring this up, they'll talk about things like "charisma" "leading man quality" which are completely subjective concepts that mask their personal biases. I find Zendaya alot more charismatic than Ryan Reynolds, but 90% of white men would disagree because they connect with him more. Neither are wrong, but why do their preferences hold more weight, then?

Like, yes, she is not an Oscar-level actress (yet), but neither are MOST popular actors. But to them, unless we can justify that she's this flawless technical actor, that means she's terrible. Her two Emmy's hold no weight, and "no one takes award bodies seriously" unless we're talking about Timmy, then he "deserves the recognition" 🤔

Most Disney actors aren't great (the way Disney trains them to act is pretty bad), and I would argue Zendaya is one of the best to come out of that machine (a better actress than Miley and Selena, no hate to either of them).

Lemme tell you the real reason they claim she's a bad actress: MJ & Chani.

Both characters were extremely popular within nerd spaces (note: white/male). In both cases, the writer (Jon Watts & Denis) completely re-wrote the characters from how they were in the source material and type-cast Zendaya to play a more assertive version of both characters. Zendaya played both characters PERFECTLY as they were written (I do have some criticisms of her accent as Chani, though tbf). And from the fanboys perspective, she played a butchered version of the og characters that they're comparing her to (also, she's not white. There is a certain level of "wokeness" "Dei" bs that they're also resentful about).

Yes, Zendaya played a terrible Mary Jane Watson, but she played a PERFECT Michelle Jones Watson (watch freaks & geeks + the breakfast club and you'll realize how good her performance is when you see who the character was inspired by). That's what she was hired to do (and it's especially heartbreaking when you realize that she never auditioned to play MJ in the first place. John Watts and Amy Pascal essentially conspired to get her in that role to bank on her popularity at the time, since Tom was a relative unknown). Yet she still gets so much hate for her portrayal of that MJ.

I know we always use Euphoria, but literally watch her crying and confessing in her love to Peter at the end of NWH, and tell me she doesn't "know how to show emotion". Compare that to Chris Pratt confronting his father at the end of Guardians two, and you'll see when an actor doesn't know how to convey emotion.

Hollywood has always had a popular "it girl" that they put in everything (Gwynth Paltrow, Kate Hudson, Renee Zelweger, Julia roberts), most of these women weren't giving oscar level performances and were still leading multiple projects a year. In every listed project (except Euphoria) Zendaya will be playing a supporting role (I doubt she will be in spider-man for more than 6 minutes), I beg some of y'all to examine... why does HER perceived popularity truly upset you so much? what has she done, that warrants so much anger at seeing her face? Who is it that you think she's "deserves" these opportunities that she's worked for (the usual entitlement from white women to any successful black woman).

Also, final point. Why do people act like acting is a static ability? Even if you don't love her performances, actors CAN get better (that's usually how it works). In fact, I would argue, going from Shake it up to challengers, Z's acting has objectively improved in each new role she has taken. Remember how Matthew Mcconaughey was considered a terrible actor for most of the 90s/2000s, then gave an Oscar level performance in DBC, followed by true detective and now is one of the most respected dramatic actors in the industry? Remember how Jim Carrey was considered a clown actor, until he blew people away in Eternal Sunshine?

Actors CAN improve. I genuinely want that particular faction of Z haters to examine why they're so dedicated to the idea of killing her career at the height of its momentum?

Agreed, I think you hit the nail on the head.

[ccfever]

Why do you support someone who gives no fucks about black woman who are just trying to have fun playing basketball. Cc has white privilege and I assume you do too

lmfaooooooo i’m not white and i don’t even live in the USA. caitlin has credited many black women for paving the way for her to be able to be in the position she’s in right now. difference is she mentions them by name. her basketball hero is literally maya moore. she went on national television and paid tribute to sheryl swoopes, lisa leslie, dawn staley, and maya moore for breaking barriers and being icons in women’s sports. she continuously, on record, have said that the wnba have many women in the league who are deserving of recognition and praise, and she has never took any credit for any of the growth happening in women’s basketball right now. i’d link you all these statements, but i have a life and don’t have the time.

asked about the fever’s first charter flight: i think it will be better if everyone has it, the product on the floor will only be better.

not once did she ever make that about herself.

she defended angel reese after the backlash from the 2023 championship game.

she defended chennedy carter and said the flagrant foul only happened because of competitiveness, and praised her for having a good season.

she denounced the racist and misogynistic people who are using her as a proxy for their agendas. i understand that she is not the most vocal player when it comes to social justice issues. does that immediately make her a racist person? why?

she’s never presented herself as a spokesperson, and to be quite honest with you, it would do everyone good if people stopped banging on caitlin clark’s proverbial door demanding statements and speeches, and start LISTENING to the many women in the wnba who are actually VOCAL, and have EXPERIENCED being marginalized. lift up and shine light on these women.

she has never done anything wrong herself, but you label her as a racist person. that’s disgusting to me because there are actual racist people out there. the chicago tribune editorial team. freaks on the internet. they’re everywhere and they’re the ones being racist but they don’t get any substantial pushback because caitlin clark is the one who takes the heat.

not gonna lie, you calling me a white person offended me in levels you cannot imagine. my country was colonized by americans, we are still suffering from the effects of everything done to us by predominantly white countries. i have a bias towards white people – i don’t tend to like them, especially if they’re not self aware.

you accusing me of having white privilege when you don’t even know who i am is rich. you don’t know me, and you don’t know what i see everyday. i live in literal hell. block me and move on with your life. this isn’t a fight you want to pick.

edit: it’s okay not to like her. it’s okay to feel like she isn’t doing enough. it’s okay to stop supporting her because of that. but being so extreme and calling her a racist person is unreasonable. and calling me racist and white? that’s just stupid. have some nuance.

[kittenintheden]

okay listen I'm so tired lol

I am a fandom old. I've been around the freaking block like eight dozen times. I'm at the point in my life where I enjoy media because it's FUN and ENRICHING for me personally, rather than something I base my identity on. I adore the community that happens in fan spaces (mostly).

here is why I never trust an anon that's clearly just being a dick: I've been in way to many scenarios where people who aren't even invested in the thing just think it's so fucking funny to watch segments of a community fight with each other. it tickles some part of their lizard brain. their mom never taught them not to be an asshole to strangers. idk.

there's a political term that you may or may not be familiar with called astroturfing. it's frequently used in marketing and politics to falsely create the image of vast public support for something that doesn't actually have all that much natural support. for example, people who don't especially have strong feelings about trans issues being encouraged/paid/instructed to respond to any and all trans support a certain way. responding to blogs, sending letters to the editor, posting on message boards, etc. their goal is to create a broad public perception that most people are anti-trans (untrue).

and it works. entire fucking laws and legislation and protests and fearmongering come out of that shit. people make up FAKE PROBLEMS (cis men dressing up like women to go be pervy in public bathrooms???) and spread the word via bad actors and controlling the public discourse. the media conglomerate that gamed Facebook to disproportionately support asshole authoritarian alt-right clowns and got them elected was EXCELLENT at it.

a similar thing can happen in fandom, ESPECIALLY when that fandom is a haven for women, POC, queer folk, and other minorities. you guys might remember GamerGate and SadPuppies? yeah all those fuckers are still active and still purposely being shitty at every given opportunity because they think it's funny to make the "libs" fight amongst themselves.

look up #yourslipisshowing if you're not familiar. it was a movement by Black Twitter (specifically Black WOMAN Twitter) to expose bad actors who would create accounts posing as Black woman activists, learn the surface-level terminology, and just purposely cause discord in leftist spaces under the ever-familiar activist method of "being morally pure is a thing that can exist."

anyway: any time I get an ask or comment without a name attached that is very obviously intended to poke me in a sore spot, I delete that shit and assume it's some fucker trying to start fan drama for kicks. even if I'm wrong, I still don't need to feed into that shit. this is my fun, happy space. I'm an activist and do activist shit and get angry at the world in real life, I don't need it in my little fandom corner of the internet too.

which is not to say that shitty fans and shitty fandom takes don't really exist. they very much do. but I don't give them much air unless there's an actual name attached. and even THEN it can be hit or miss because people can and do create fake accounts if they're especially dedicated to being a shithead.

so: if you're minding your business and some goober comes into your ask box with shit that's clearly intended to push a button, give it like 24 hours to cool down and decide if it's actually worth it to respond. for me, most of the time I determine that it's not.

don't get me wrong. calling out bad behavior in fandom IS IMPORTANT and SHOULD BE DONE. I just also think it's important to try and find the joy and camaraderie in these spaces as much as possible and that people who try to disrupt that for jollies suck real bad and give a disproportionate perception of "what X fans are like."

in summary, my philosophy is be the best person you can be, be as kind as is warranted, focus on the parts of your fandom that make you happiest, and carry a big stick for when the jerks won't take a hint.

also like. shitting on other characters to prop up your fave is such a freaking middle school move. are you in middle school? if so, I'm sorry. if not, I'm still sorry, but for a different reason.

[caffeineandsociety]

Take, for example, White AutDHD Girls, a big stereotype right now of a subgroup of disabled people who will gleefully throw other disabled people under the bus. Is it true that neurodiversity acceptance is largely limited to the most TikTok-friendly manifestations of two common disorders? Yes, to an extent - though we have to remember that said acceptance is still conditional. It is tokenistic. It offers superficial positivity, but no actual SUPPORT. This is still bad.

Is it a problem for people with different disabilities, including closely related ones such as schizophrenia, that this superficial support is used as an excuse to treat them as Doing Something Wrong/inherently anti-recovery/"that's not neurodivergence, you're just a basketcase freak"? Yes. The fact that the mainstream understanding of the word "neurodivergent" is exactly equivalent to """""""high-functioning""""""" ADHD/autism, and the fact that this misunderstanding is used to further harms against other disabled people, is true and bad.

Does that make it good to blame ableism as a construct first and foremost on the people - especially the women, because disability is seen as more natural and less ~scary~ in women due to a long history of pathologizing women's behavior as an aspect of misogyny - who are being tokenized? To call them all attention-seeking self-centered assholes who would sell out anyone More Disabled Than Them the moment you see their blue hair? Absolutely the fuck not. That's a misogynistic and ableist stereotype, NOT a class-wide truth.

Speaking of white girls, there ARE ways that racist behavior in white people is, as a broad pattern, divided by gender. In fact, this is part of WHY it's common for white feminism to turn into the kind of radfem nonsense that is anything but feminist - for the idea to warp from "as a broad pattern, men are privileged over women" (a true fact) -> "men being privileged over women is THE core oppression from which all others stem; men over women trumps ALL other axes of oppression" (yeah tell that to Emmett Till; having seen it from multiple sides INCLUDING being seen as different races depending on how much sun exposure I've had lately, I would argue in fact that the man/woman axis is typically among the FIRST to fall apart) -> "because this power differential is so great and so ingrained, it is INEVITABLE, we need female separatism to PROTECT WOMEN" -> "men are inherently dangerous and women are fragile delicate flowers who need to be protected from them at all costs" (...congrats, you've ended up right back at Boys Will Be Boys-brand patriarchy, good job). This pathway is, essentially, a mechanism to avoid confronting how gender intersects with racism, ableism, queerphobia, xenophobia, and more. This needs to be called out. Missing White Woman Syndrome - an extension of the "boys will be boys" mindset, the constant fear instilled in white men that their wives will be stolen away by some lesser evil violent man, and in white women that tells them they NEED to buy a million security devices lest a gang of 12 serial murder-rapists break into their homes on an evil whim - needs to be called for what it is.

Of course, Missing White Woman Syndrome is NOT the same thing as...acknowledging that, when all other things are equal, men will usually be granted a level of social power over women, and that includes telling people, especially but not exclusively men, some pretty fucked up shit that they're statistically likely to internalize at least some of, about what they can and should expect from women. You cannot let awareness of the dangers of Karenism turn you into some full-tilt "ugh feminism is cancer" chud. You cannot conflate actual feminist issues impacting women with that racist/xenophobic/ableist/queerphobic weaponized fragility. When you do, you HELP to make it sound like that very specific weaponized fragility doesn't exist, and complaining about it is just hating on women for no reason. White Girl Bullshit isn't pop music and makeup and fashion and fancy heavily sweetened seasonal coffees; to say it is is just fucking misogyny; White Girl Bullshit is calling the cops on a Black guy, while police brutality is THE issue dominating the news cycle, because he politely mentioned that her dog is supposed to be on a leash, or transvestigating WOC athletes.

For that matter, this kind of weaponized fragility is also something white men enact against Black men and some other MOC. It's the core of every cop's defense for shooting Black kids. Call THAT out too. The main reason it's a White Women Thing even more than it is a White Men Thing is that the pool of people white women can reliably claim victimhood against is larger and white men are more inclined to measure themselves and each other on Never Being Outmatched; white men are more likely to be ridiculed for being "victimized" by, for example, a migrant woman or a mentally ill teenager, whereas white women are more inclined to be pitied for the same claim because patriarchy casts them as poor delicate incompetent flowers in constant need of Protection, and white men as the people who need to do that Protecting.

You cannot solve this problem by mocking things women are stereotyped as liking. You cannot solve this problem by mocking women for surviving past age 25.

You similarly cannot solve assimilationism and misogyny by mocking gay men for liking makeup, or caring about getting married.

You cannot solve sexism by shitting your pants every time a Black man breathes in your general direction, nor by laughing about Male Tears every time a queer man talks about how queerphobia is an aspect of patriarchy and thus harms him.

Acknowledge the problem, attack it with surgical precision, and resist the urge to just circle it back to some old counterproductive bigoted stereotype.

Basically I'm just sick of how many people don't realize that they're doing the same thing as James Somerton.

Misogyny, ableism, lesbophobia? Don't become cute and good and progressive when you specify it's about white girls, and in fact it only makes it HARDER to discuss how white girls enact White Bullshit.

Racism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia? Not magically cute and good and progressive because you specified it's about men. Not magically cute and good to shut down discussions of how misogyny impacts marginalized men with "boo hoo male tears" either. It's a big case of "same team, asshole!"

It's not helpful to treat culturally normalized abuse as inevitable if you pin it on "straight people". It's not helpful to be homophobic as long as you specify "white cis men". It's not helpful to scream about the old ableist boogeyman of the Evil Manipulative Faker by pinning it on "white girls".

I am BEGGING more people to check themselves on these things instead of just repeating an ancient, dusty stereotype and pinning it on the most privileged subset of the group you're being biased against.

[colorisbyshe]

So, my anti-Jeremy Renner post blew up and as sometimes happens when posts blow up, a bunch of TERFs got in my notes. I do a fairly systemic purge whenever this happens. I go onto each one I can find in the notes of that post and go through their blogs, blocking any other TERF I can find on their blog and going through the blogs of any URL I see multiple times so I can block all of the TERFs on their blogs. Literally blocked over 500 people, from big name blogs, to just some frequent rebloggers. ANd many, many pathetic randoms who can’t get a single note on their posts but desperately try anyways.

I have been a bit vague and flippant about this because bitching about them only ever fuels their victim complexes and often fuels their desire to engage and get attention. Me saying I don’t want TERFs engaging with that post made multiple TERFS ignore my boundaries and lack of consent, engage, and laugh about it. I know there’s no “winning” with them, so I don’t like arguing with them. It is identical to arguing with MAGA freaks--the level of delusion is impenetrable and it often only ends up traumatizing the people most hurt by them, by making them witness hatred and ignorance.

I instead try to be a positive force and just speak out in support of trans women to make where I stand clear.

But apparently I haven’t been clear enough because through this systemic weeding of my notes I have discovered multiple TERF followers, some because of the anti-Jeremy Renner post but some have been here a while. They weren’t obvious via URL or bio but going on their blogs made things clear quite quickly.

So, I just want to say it here.

I am a nonbinary woman. I am AFAB. I was born with a puss puss and I naturally grew tits with puberty. I am by every TERF’s definition “a woman” and it is with that clarified I will say--Trans women specifically have been more foundational to my understanding of gender, myself, and the world at large and my LOVE of my gender, myself, and the world at large than most other groups of people.

Trans women have done more good for me specifically and the world at large than any trans exclusive radical feminist ever has.

Reading the words and experiences of trans women has actually brought me more in harmony with the “woman” part of “nonbianry woman” and it has done so more than any fucking uterus-obsessed, menstrual blood-smeared, trauma-based one-dimensional nonsense TERFs have shat out and have forced the rest of us to witness.

Understanding transness on the whole has made me better appreciate the diversity of human experience and the boundless ways we can love each other and ourselves. It has made me dig deeper on how my life and society has shaped me and made me willing to stand up against societal expectations. I am the one who gets to define who I am. Not what I was born with. I am not a human seeking out the perfectly shaped hole to crush myself and lose myself inside. I am a million different things in vessel waiting to expand outwards and inwards at the same time, bound by fucking nothing.

Transness is beautiful. It is nuanced. It allows each person to get closer to the infinite.

Hatred of trans people in general but trans women specifically has no fucking place in my life, on my blog. I seek out liberation against all oppression and leave no woman behind in that.

I’m not going to give in to what any shit tier human being wants and wish violence upon y’all like you want. I’m not going to feed your martyrdom. I am just going to say I wish you a broader understanding of the world and deeper wells of empathy and love.

I don’t know if it’s simply a power trip y’all are on, eager to finally have a group you can punch down on, or if something truly went wrong in your lives where you have to have a fear response to someone more vulnerable than yourself. But get the fuck over it, grow up, and do better. You deserve harsher words but I will not give in and give them to you so you can lay yourselves upon the cross and weep about it.

Womanhood doesn’t benefit from this shit. Society doesn’t benefit from this shit. And frankly we’ve had enough fucking suffering without self righteous bigots making it fucking worse while pretending it’s progress.

Trans women are women. And trans women belong in “woman only” spaces more than trans-exclusive bigots ever will.

[woah-were-halfway-there]

Just What I Needed: Part 3

A/N: get ready for this freaking rollercoaster. As many of you know, this is the next part in the AFTR series and in typical me fashion, turn out way longer than I intended it to be. Enjoy. ☺️

Thank you my dear @andrei-svech​ for beta reading and listening to me yell about this.

Word Count: 12.8k... ffs

You knew you were awake. You sensed too much going on for you not to be, and yet, you still were unable to open your eyes.

"Do you know how far along she is in her pregnancy?" A female voice you didn't recognize spoke up, sounding much louder than the various beeps and shuffles you also heard.

"14 weeks," Auston replied, his voice husky. The way his voice sounded whenever he was really upset about something. "Closer to 15 weeks now. Do you know what caused this?"

"Fainting isn't uncommon with pregnant women," a male voice stated. "Dehydration, drops in blood pressure, there's a couple of different reasons as to why this could have happened. We won't know for sure, what exactly, until she sees a doctor."

"I'm more concerned over the fact that she hasn't woken up yet," the woman said.

That's when you decided you needed to open your eyes, and as soon as you did, your gaze fell on Auston.

He looked rough, and that's putting it nicely. His hair was messy, it was evident that he'd been running his hands through it like he always does when he's anxious, and his eyes were red and puffy. He was gripping onto your right hand as he watched another man and woman that were also in the small space as they did something off in a corner.

It was then you realized the man and woman were paramedics, and you were lying on a stretcher in an ambulance. Panic didn't take too long settling in after that.

"Auston?" Your voice cracked as you went stiff in realization and immediately gripped onto his hand for reassurance, his gaze moving to you right away. "Wait. Where's Mia?"

You went to sit up, suddenly on high alert after realizing your daughter wasn't with you but had to stop when you felt the now-familiar wave of lightheadedness wash over you again.

"Woah, take it easy, baby," Auston said as he gave you a look, silently pleading that you didn't fight him on this. You didn't. Instead, you slowly laid back down because you trusted that he would answer your question once you weren't so worked up, and he did. "Mia is ok. She's at home with my family. My parents are going to meet us at the hospital once you get checked over. I asked them to stay at the house to make sure Mia was ok after everything."

You nodded in response. What he said made you feel better in a way, but you were unable to keep your emotions from taking over still.

"Did she see me faint?" You asked quietly, blinking back the tears you felt welling up in your eyes as you did.

Auston paused, then sighed.

"She did."

"Shit."

Before Auston could respond again, and you could get too in your thoughts, the female paramedic approached the two of you cautiously and cleared her throat. Once you looked at her, she smiled softly before looking to Auston and nodding.

"Hi, Y/N," she greeted. "How are you feeling?"

"Not great," you admitted as Auston lifted your hand that was still linked with his up to his lips and gently kissed your knuckles. "Tired. Kind of just want to be back home, to be completely honest."

"That's understandable. We're almost at the hospital. As soon as a doctor sees you and makes sure everything is ok, you should be able to go home very soon."

You smiled and nodded at her reassurance.

"Thank you. How long was I passed out for?"

"We weren't very far from your house when we got the call for you," the male paramedic chimed in. "Auston said you fainted, maybe five or six minutes before we got there. So about twenty minutes, give or take."

"Lovely," you sighed, then looked at Auston tiredly.

"You scared the shit out of me," he told you, not in a way to make you feel bad, but to let you know how genuinely worried he was about you. "Mia is probably pissed at me right now."

"Why would she be?"

"When she saw you faint, she was worried about you, but I panicked. I asked Bre to take her out of the room so she wouldn't have to see you like that, and she was so upset, babe. She was still crying when we left the house."

Your heart broke hearing that. Not only at the thought of Mia being upset after seeing you faint, but also how hard the entire situation must've been on Auston and his family.

"I'm sorry," you whispered, not being able to stop the tears welling in your eyes again. "I-I should've just gone to the hospital earlier when my doctor said she couldn't get me in until tomorrow. I knew something was wrong. I had that feeling, fuck!"

"Y/N, you had no way of knowing this is what would happen. Please don't be so hard on yourself," he reasoned with you while giving your hand another little squeeze. "I, uh, I kind of dropped a bomb on everyone too."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry. I know this isn't how we wanted anyone to find out, but, in my panicked state, my mom was trying to calm me down, and without even thinking, I told her that you were pregnant again."

"To be fair, it's best that you did because we needed to know to be able to tend to her properly," the male paramedic spoke up again. "And, sorry to interrupt, but we are approaching the hospital."

"You ready?" Auston asked and reached towards you to gently push your hair out of your face. He then tried to give you a reassuring smile, although you could easily see through his facade.

It was apparent that he was as anxious as you were, but he had already been so brave and strong for you. The least you could do was be the same for him.

"As long as I have you by my side, I'm ready for anything."

Once you were taken into the hospital, it wasn't long before you were seeing a doctor. She was a lovely woman, but you couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable because you hated going to the hospital. You much preferred going to your own doctor. You always felt comfortable with her regardless of the situation, whereas anything else felt foreign. But luckily, you had Auston there.

At first, the E.R. doctor was a little confused by what would've caused your fainting. She was able to see how your last doctor's appointment went and that you seemed to be in perfect health. She then read how low your blood pressure was from when the paramedics checked it in the ambulance while you were still passed out. That was pretty concerning.

She explained to you and Auston that your fainting could've been caused by Dehydration, which was most common, but she wanted to test your blood to see if anything else came up. And sure enough, something did.

The doctor was able to get you a rapid test, so about half an hour after she finished taking some blood, she came back into the room and explained that your blood had a lower than average amount of red blood cells, which is tied to iron deficiency. In other words, you were diagnosed with anemia.

Being told that absolutely terrified you. It was the last thing you wanted to hear, and with the way Auston was physically pale when you glanced over at him, you could tell he was feeling the same way.

However, the doctor then explained how your anemia was more than likely just related to your pregnancy. It was more than likely that it would no longer be an issue once your baby was born, but it did pose some possible negative effects on the baby if not treated properly.

Your chances of having a premature birth, a baby with low birth weight, as well as postpartum depression, were much higher because of this. Again, not something you or Auston wanted to hear, but the doctor quickly said how the addition of an iron supplement with your prenatal vitamins should help keep things relatively at bay. She said it was likely that you may still feel dizziness, fatigue and other symptoms at times throughout your pregnancy, but keeping your iron levels up would help that. She then told you to see your doctor still the following day and said to take things easy before running a quick ultrasound to check on the baby.

Roughly an hour and a half after you arrived at the hospital, you were allowed to finally go back home, which was the best news you'd heard all night.

Not many words were exchanged between you and Auston as the two of you sat in the waiting room until his parents got there to pick you both up. There wasn't much that could be said. The two of you were still processing everything you had just been told, and it was a damn hard pill to swallow. So, instead of talking about it, the two of you sat in silence. You leaned against each other for the support neither of you could give verbally at the time.

The moment Ema and Brian entered the emergency room, you broke down. You knew, as a mother herself, Ema would understand how you were feeling, and it was not long before she was rushing over to you and Auston, then pulling you into her embrace.

Auston was the one to explain the news as you just cried it out a little bit, while Ema let you hold onto her. She kept assuring that everything was going to be ok, but for the first time in a long time, you were almost positive it wasn't.

That feeling of dread you already had was much more prominent than before, and now Auston was feeling something similar as well.

You both apologized to his parents for them finding out about the new baby the way that they did, but Brian quickly shut that down by telling you and Auston that it didn't matter how they found out. All that mattered was that you were ok, and so was the baby.

Neither of you could argue with that, and soon after, the four of you agreed it was time to go home and headed to the car.

When you all got back to the house, you were surprised to learn that Mia was asleep. It was close to an hour before her usual bedtime, but after you and Auston walked through the front and entered the living room, you found her passed out while laying against Alex on the couch.

"She just fell asleep," Auston's older sister spoke quietly as she greeted you both with a small smile and started gently rubbing Mia's head. "She was so exhausted. I didn't have the heart even to try to keep her awake."

"No, it's ok. Thank you," you replied softly, but before you could say anything else, Bre was bursting into the room and pulling you into a hug.

"Oh, my god, Y/N," she said as you hugged her back, then pulled away to look at you again. "How are you feeling? Are you alright?"

"Better now that I'm home with you guys," you told her, then bent down to pet Frank, who was looking up at you excitedly.

As you talked with her, Auston hung both of your coats up in the foyer's closet before coming back into the living room and gently picking up Mia.

Even in her sleeping state, Mia cuddled right up against her dad as he held her against his chest and your heart swelled when he turned back to look at you and Bre.

"I'll go put her to bed," he whispered, trying hard not to wake her up. But, before he walked past you and Bre, he stopped when he saw you looking at Mia. You smiled at him thankfully, because you knew that he stopped so you could kiss Mia goodnight, like you always did.

When you looked at her all snuggled in Auston's arms as she slept, you could feel yourself getting emotional. Immediately, you noticed how her eyes were still a little wet from what you assumed was her crying, which absolutely broke your heart. You hated that with everything you went through that night, Mia also suffered from it and some way. However, as you felt yourself beginning to get worked up over it, you took a deep breath to let yourself calm down, then leaned in to push some of Mia's little curls away from her face and placed a soft peck on her forehead.

"Goodnight, baby girl," you said quietly, then looked to Auston before reaching up to peck his lips too. "I love you."

"And I love you," he responded before kissing you again then glancing at his two sisters. "I'll be right back."

You watched him leave the room, then you and Bre joined Alex on the couch and began properly catching up, seeing as you hadn't been able to do that yet.

The two of them, along with Ema and Brian, were thrilled about the news about you being pregnant, which you knew they would be, but you were still really bummed over how they found out about their new family member. However, no one dwelled on that at all or pressed you about what you were told at the hospital. Instead, you were able to cuddle on the couch with your husband as you watched ELF with his family before eventually calling it a night.

~*~

The following day, Christmas Eve Eve, was rather hectic. But not necessarily in a bad way.

When you woke up, no one else was awake yet. The house was quiet, and there was no sound coming from Mia's room through the monitor. All that could be heard was the small breaths Auston let out as he slept next to you and the groan Frank made as he shifted his position from where he laid at the end of your bed.

Everything was peaceful and felt right. It was exactly what you needed after everything that happened the night before, but that soon changed.

As you waited for a sign of someone else being awake, you reached over to grab your phone from where it rested on your bedside table and opened up Twitter. You were scrolling for all of three seconds before realizing that 'Auston Matthews' was trending.

Curious about what could be trending regarding your husband, you clicked on a thread to see what it was all about. Surprisingly, a lot of it was about you.

It turned out that your trip to the hospital the night before didn't go unnoticed. A handful of tweets said how you and Auston were seen at Toronto Western Hospital, including one saying how the two of you arrived in an ambulance and how you were on a stretcher.

The majority of the tweets were people commenting, wondering what happened, and wishes that everything was ok. But, there were also some downright mean ones. Some people commented on your appearance, saying that you looked awful and how you were lucky to be Canadian; otherwise, Auston would've probably been covering the hospital bill.

Usually, you never paid attention to anything that was being said about you. These people knew nothing about your life and were indeed in no position to be saying anything, which you knew, but reading those things made you feel like shit. And you hated that you were actually letting them get to you.

But, soon enough, someone diverted your attention.

"Baby?" Auston asked, sounding very sleepy as he shifted next to you but still managing to make you jump at the sudden noise. "Everything alright?"

"Oh, uh, yeah," you lied and quickly closed out of the app before moving to face him. "Everything's fine."

"Are you sure? You seem a little flustered."

"Yes, babe, it's nothing to worry about."

"Ok," he responded unsurely, but dropped it as he subtly wrapped his arm around your waist then pulled towards him forcefully.

"Auston!" You gasped as you gripped onto his shoulder with one hand and bicep with the other so you could balance yourself out, but quickly realized he did that so you'd be hovering over him with very little space between the two of you. "Smooth."

"Always," he replied with a smirk, then began placing kisses along your shoulder, collarbone and neck.

He didn't stop until he reached your jawline and was able to see how much what he was doing affected you in the best way possible as your eyes fluttered close and you leaned into his touch. Feeling rather smug with himself, he then put his arm around your waist again and quickly flipped the two of you over so that your back would be on the mattress and he would be on top.

As soon as you looked up at him, he gave you a playful smirk and was about to continue, but then a noise began filling the room.

"Mama?" Mia's voice sounded through the monitor resting on Auston's bedside table as you and him both froze and looked towards the device. Sounds of shuffling and the odd grumble could be heard, making it rather apparent that your daughter was awake, but then she started crying. "Mommy!"

"Shit," you and Auston said at the same time as you both scrambled off the bed then rushed down the hall to Mia's bedroom, even gaining enough of Frank's attention that he followed after the two of you.

Once you pushed open the door to Mia's bedroom, you found her standing up in her crib, sniffling as she cried and tiredly rubbing at her eyes. Without a second thought, you beelined right for her and picked her up, making sure to give her a comforting squeeze as she immediately clung to you.

"It's ok, sweetheart. I'm here," you soothed as you began gently rubbing her back. "Mommy's here."

"Where go, mama?" She asked as she leaned against your shoulder and hugged you closer, then looked to where Auston was standing nearby but said nothing more.

"I just needed to go see a doctor, Mia. But it's ok. I won't leave you again, ok? I promise."

"Ok."

Auston watched the two of you interact and couldn't help but smile. He loved that you and Mia loved so much. Seeing the two most important girls in his life being as lovey and soft as you and Mia were made him feel all types of ways. You both were his entire world, and he was content just seeing a moment like that forever if he could, but then he remembered all that had to be done that day.

"Hey, Mini," he spoke up and reached towards her. "Why don't we go brush our teeth, then go eat breakfast?"

"No, daddy," she stated firmly as he went to take her from your hold, but she held onto you even tighter, instead. "I stay with mommy."

Both you and Auston were shocked by this. It was probably the first time Mia had ever just flat out denied any type of snuggles from her dad, and it was just so strange to see. Without even voicing it, you and Auston gave each other a look as if to say you knew she was giving him the cold shoulder because of what happened the night prior.

It sucked because you knew that your daughter didn't understand what was going on and that she still wouldn't even if you tried to explain it all right then in there. Telling Mia about pregnancy and how she was going to be a big sister soon had to be a gradual thing. So, with one more glance at each other and a slight nod, you and Auston silently agreed to just move on from the subject.

"Why don't we all go brush our teeth, and then I'll make you some pancakes, little miss," you suggested and kissed her head. "We have a long day ahead of us."

And you really did.

After the three of you got ready to go downstairs, Auston's family helped the two of you cook a huge breakfast for you all to eat. It was a great way to start off the day, but soon after, Auston had to leave for practice in preparation for the Leafs game that night.

Once he was gone, you planned to see your doctor, then pick up your family from the airport before you all were supposed to go to the game together. You were really excited, and Mia didn't leave your side for any of it.

Your doctor's appointment ended up being ok. You were told more about your anemia condition based on the doctor's bloodwork done at the hospital during it. Once that was established, your doctor then recommended some iron supplements for you to take with your prenatal vitamins and explained how she'd be checking your blood pressure very closely at every appointment from then on.

She also took time to check in with you and how you were doing. Her main question was if you'd been in contact with your therapist at all lately, to which you replied with how you talked to your therapist at least once a month still, but more frequently if you felt the need to. Your doctor was happy to hear that. She was the one that recommended you to your therapist almost ten years ago when you were a teenager, after all. You first met your therapist when you were seventeen and had been going to her ever since.

Then your doctor went on to tell you how she hoped you continued going to therapy, especially if everything going on with your pregnancy or just life, in general, was too much. You promised her that you would, and your appointment concluded soon after.

Having a conversation like that usually would make you uncomfortable. But since it was your doctor, the one you'd been going to since you were a kid, it made it all a lot easier. Having Mia and Ema there for moral support helped, too, especially with Auston being at practice.

Once you were done there, it was time to head to the airport and finally see your family.

Since the summer of 2017, when you and Auston had been dating for about six months, you've been the only one of your family that still lived in the Greater Toronto Area, and even then, you were only there during hockey season and a little bit at the end of offseason. You and your family loved Toronto. You always have.

Growing up, you lived in a small town on the outskirts of the GTA, then moved to downtown Toronto in 2015 when you were 18 and starting school at UofT. A year later, your younger sister Mya moved to Vancouver to begin school at UBC, then a year after that, Nate, the baby of the family, regardless of him only being two years younger than you, moved to Montreal. As your brother was in the process of moving, a job opportunity came up for your dad in B.C. and soon after, he was moving out west as well.

However, Ontario has always been home to your family. Every year at Christmas time, your family always finds a way to be together for the holiday season and continue your tradition of going on your annual skiing/snowboarding trip.

Two years prior, while you were still very pregnant with Mia, you all went to Mont-Tremblant in Quebec. The year after, during Mia's first Christmas season, everyone was in Vancouver for a few days, but now it was time for your family to be back home again, and you were so ready.

Although you kept in constant contact with your family when you weren't with them, it wasn't even comparable to how you felt when you were all together, so to say you were excited as you drove to the airport to pick them up would've been an understatement.

After your doctor's appointment, you took Ema back to the house just as Auston was getting home from practice, then headed to the airport with Mia to see your family.

You were holding Mia as you waited at the gates, telling her how her grandpa, auntie Mya and uncle Nate would all be there very soon and couldn't keep the tears from welling in your eyes when you saw them walking through the gate with their luggage. Mia started squirming in your hold excitedly, and for the first time that day, she bolted away from you as soon as you set her down and beelined towards your dad.

"Pa!"

"Ah, there's my girl!" He greeted as he let go of his suitcase, then leaned down to pick Mia up. "How are you, Miss Amelia?"

"Good," Mia replied with a smile, then hugged him tightly. "Christmas!"

"Yes, Merry Christmas!"

"Uh, excuse me, what are you still doing over there?" Mya said to you and held her arms open so the two of you could hug. "Hey, babe. Missed you."

"I missed you more," you told your little sister as you squeezed her, then pulled back to see Nate looking at you expectantly.

"Ehm," he cleared his throat and opened his arms too. "Are you forgetting about your favourite brother?"

"You're saying that like I have many choices in the matter," you told him with a pointed look, then moved away from Mya to go hug your brother too. "Missed you too, kid."

"Tee!" Mia then squealed as she reached towards Mya and Nate shortly after.

"Mia!" They exclaimed excitedly as they took her from your dad's hold, then you were able to hug him too.

"Hi, Dad," you smiled as he held you close for a minute.

"Hi, sport. How're you feeling?" He asked, making you smile hearing the nickname he's called you for as long as you could remember, but then gave him a knowing look.

"Auston told you, didn't he?"

"He called me while you were in the ambulance last night," your dad replied, then glanced at Mya and Nate as they started bickering over who was going to hold Mia and lowered his voice. "Congratulations, kiddo. Auston also filled me in on what the doctor said. I want you to know that we're all going to be here to help out if you need it, especially with Mia. Those two still don't know. I haven't said anything either. I figured you wanted to tell them about Mia's little sibling your own way."

"I do," you told him. "I wanted to tell you and Auston's family differently too, but I'm glad Aus called you when everything happened. I want to tell Mya and Nate tomorrow when we're with Mitchy and Steph too for Christmas."

"Fair enough, I'm sure they'll give you shit."

"I'd expect nothing less."

You then drove your family to where they'd be staying for the next two days. Usually, they'd stay at your house. Even with Auston's family, there was still room for the three of them, but this year, they stayed with Alice, your dad's girlfriend. You have adored Alice since you met her during your first Christmas with Auston as boyfriend and girlfriend back in 2017. Sadly, your mom passed away when you were thirteen, and it took years for your dad even to begin putting himself out there again in the dating pool. He always stressed to you, Mya and Nate that no one could ever replace your mother, which the three of you knew. Still, you all also understood that he was lonely and with the fact that he had given the three of you the world, the least you owed him was to not get in the way of him possibly finding happiness again.

Even with that, it took seven years after your mother's passing for him to find someone even worth considering bringing around his kids. However, Alice was amazing. You and your siblings have loved her since you met her, and now six years later are all still very glad to have her in your lives.

Your dad and Alice began their relationship shortly after he moved to Vancouver. They had worked together in Toronto a couple of years earlier until she moved to B.C., and they just so happened to cross paths again. However, Alice's family still lives in the GTA but vacation in Florida every winter.

This year, for a Christmas gift, you, Auston, Mya, Mya's boyfriend Seth, Nate and his girlfriend Sydney all pitched in so your dad and Alice could go to Florida for a few weeks and visit with her family a bit while they were there. The six of you told them what their gift was early, so they were prepared, seeing as the flight was booked for Christmas Day, and then your dad and Alice ended up booking a little beach house to stay in during those three weeks that had three extra rooms. Unfortunately, Seth and Sydney were unable to join, and the plan was for you and Mia to go for a week as well, but you decided against it because of how poorly you'd been feeling and lied, saying it was because you were swarmed with work.

Your dad understood and now gets it even more since he knows of your pregnancy, but Mya and Nate thought you were full of shit.

However, the timing was still perfect.

Alice arrived in Toronto the night before and was staying at her relatives' vacant home, which had more than enough room for your dad, Mya and Nate to stay at as well. The four of them were joining you, Mia, Auston's family and Steph in a box you booked at SBA to watch the game that night. The next day, everyone, including Mitch, Steph, and your cousin Chris, trekked up to Collingwood to stay at Blue Mountain Village and continue your family's snowboarding tradition during the holidays. Even Auston's family was joining, and you were so excited to have the most important people in your life around this Christmas. Late on Christmas Day, your dad, Alice, Nate and Mya were all to catch a late flight to Tampa and begin their vacation.

You were pretty excited about it all but more so happy to share your news about the new little babe you were growing with the loved ones who didn't find out because you fainted.

After a brief visit with Alice, you told your family you'd see them at the game, then you and Mia headed back home again. Auston was there once you arrived, and it wasn't long until he and Mia were having a quick nap on the couch together while Alex and Bre took Frank for a walk, and you chatted with Brian and Ema in the kitchen.

The rest of the afternoon was pretty chill, but soon enough, Auston had to leave to get to the arena, and the rest of you had to start getting ready to go there as well.

Before you went to the arena, you got yourself and Mia all dressed up in your matching Matthews jerseys and Maple Leafs Santa hats before you joined everyone else downstairs and headed out. But not without getting a few pictures taken in front of your massive Christmas tree first.

Your evening at the Leafs game was nothing short of amazing, even though you most definitely felt a little tired.

You loved every moment of being able to cheer on your man and the other guys with both your family and Auston's together. The fact that they all got along meant the absolute world to you, too, and your time at the game was just really enjoyable. Steph came and watched the game with all of you. Still, the two of you dipped for a few minutes during the third period because other wives and girlfriends of players who were also present at the game wanted to get one last group picture before the New Year—seeing as everyone got pretty messy at the girl's Christmas party a couple of weeks earlier. You were sober for that, and even you still looked like a hot mess.

After the game, you all waited for Auston and Mitch before heading home. The guys you saw as they walked by were all in good moods after the win they'd just got, but all stopped and made sure to say hi to you, Mia and Steph as they passed.

A couple of minutes later, Auston and Mitch entered the hallway at the same time and lit right up when they saw everyone. But then you observed as Mitchy glanced at Auston briefly then started racing towards where you stoop with Mia.

"Hi, Meems!" Your cousin said excitedly as he picked his goddaughter up and made her start giggling like crazy as she hugged him. He then smiled at you and gave Steph a quick peck before turning to face your dad, Mya and Nate and greeted them excitedly, still holding onto Mia.

"Why must everyone just steal our daughter before I even get the chance to see her?" Auston grumbled teasingly as he came up beside you and smoothly wrapped his arm around your waist to pull you in for a kiss, then leaned down to smirk at you. "Hi."

"Hi, yourself," you smiled back, then leaned against him. "To be fair, Mitch was just faster than you there."

"I can honestly say I wasn't expecting him to break out into a sprint just to get to her first."

"Would you expect anything less, though?" Steph asked with a chuckle from where she stood beside you, then resumed her conversation with Alex.

"Valid point," Auston said with a nod, then kissed your head before moving away and walking towards your family. "Time to visit my favourite in-laws."

You felt as though your heart could burst watching him interact with your family, even feeling yourself getting a little teary-eyed as you observed them. Sure, it was more than likely the pregnancy hormones, but you were also just so freaking happy. Moments like this made you forget about everything else going on, and you loved it.

It seemed that Ema noticed this too because a few short moments later, she was standing next to you, nudging your shoulder with hers and smiling before pulling you in for a little side hug.

Shortly after that, everyone grouped together to discuss the plans for Christmas Eve and then soon called it a night. You hugged Mitch, Steph and your family goodbye, telling them you'd see them tomorrow at Blue Mountain before heading to the parking lot with Auston, Mia and his family, still smiling because everything just felt right. And you really needed that.

~*~

Everyone was awake early in the Matthews house the following day, full of excitement for Christmas Eve and for what the day's events entailed before embarking on the almost two-hour drive to the ski resort.

You, Mia, Auston and his family were the first ones to arrive at Blue Mountain out of the entire group and immediately started getting settled into your accommodations. Your little family of three had a room to yourselves, with Alex and Bre in the room across the hall and Auston's parents in the one next door on the left. The room next door on the right was going to be where Mitch, Steph and Chris stayed and had a conjoining door that could be opened up to connect the two rooms. It was pretty obvious those two rooms would be where everyone was hanging out later that evening. But further down the hall were the two rooms your dad and Alice, Nate and Mya would be staying in.

About an hour later was when everyone else began arriving.

Mitch claimed they took forever because when they stopped by his parents' house to drop off Zeus, your aunt Bonnie just wouldn't stop talking. She had to catch up with Nate and Mya right then and there even though she would be seeing them and your dad the next day for Christmas. You understood, though, because when you were talking to her that morning as you dropped off Frank, lucky that she agreed to watch him for the night, the two of you talked for quite a bit, so you could only imagine how badly she wanted to speak with your brother and sister who haven't been back in town for months.

Once everyone was settled, Nate, Mya, Mitch, Chris, and Steph were dead set on getting to the slopes to begin your family's tradition properly, and that's when you started panicking. When you didn't start getting ready right away, they knew something was up, and the fact that you stayed quiet confirmed that even more.

"Y/N, why aren't you getting ready?" Nate asked as he peaked his head through the doorway connecting yours and Mitch's room.

"I, uh, I think I might sit this one out, guys," you replied sheepishly. To be completely honest, you didn't know if it was safe to snowboard while pregnant or not. Sure, you were pretty good at snowboarding and didn't think you'd wipe out, but that didn't mean there still wasn't a chance that you could and end up causing harm to yourself and your baby.

"Excuse me?" Chris said before sticking his head through the doorway too. "The hell do you mean you 'might sit this one out', Y/N?"

"Well, I-."

"It's tradition," Mya cut you off from where she sat on the couch in your's and Auston's room.

"I, I don't know," you responded. "I guess I can go down one hill, but maybe just an intermediate one and no racing."

"That's no fun," Nate groaned dramatically before disappearing out of sight.

"Babe," Auston spoke up from where he stood a couple of feet away, putting on Mia's snow pants and coat. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

He then gave you a look, silently asking you to reconsider because you knew he'd be stressing out the entire time you were up on that hill.

"I think if I stick to an easy hill, I'll be fine, Aus," you explained to him softly so no one else besides Bre and Alex, who were sitting next to you, would hear. "If I was earlier in my pregnancy, I wouldn't even consider it, but I'm 15 weeks, babe, and not to sound cocky, but I don't think I'm going to wipe out."

"But-."

"I promise I'll only do one. If I didn't feel well enough to do it or was worried, I wouldn't. Ok?"

"Ok," he sighed and nodded in agreement. "But if something happens, babe."

"Try not to think about it like that," you replied and stood up to walk towards him and Mia. "Have a little faith in my skills."

"I do. And I mean, you're definitely better at snowboarding than I am."

"That's because you're my Desert Boy," you told him, then leaned down to peck his lips before he could say anything else, smirking because you knew he hated when you called him that.

"Why do you only want to do an intermediate hill?" Mitch asked as he strolled into the room but stopped briefly to compliment Mia on her puffy pink coat before looking back at you. "Pretty sure last year you said, and I quote, 'it's too easy. Where's the challenge?' Right?"

You didn't know how to respond. There was no way you were just flat out going to say it was because you were pregnant, and you struggled coming up with an excuse. But luckily for you, Bre saved your ass.

"It's because us Arizonians aren't used to this, and Y/N promised she wouldn't show us up," Auston's younger sister spoke up, then winked at you.

"Thank you," you told her quietly.

"Ok, that's fair," Nate replied and came into the room too. "The Canadians have a bit of an advantage here, I guess."

"Speak for yourself," Steph scoffed from the other room. "The only reason I'm no longer afraid of the ski lift is because you all have dragged me on it so many times now."

"You and me both, Steph," Auston piped in, then stood up from his kneeling position in front of Mia. "Wow, Mini, you look great. Are you ready to go on the mountain coaster?"

"Yeah!" Your daughter replied excitedly, then ran into the other room.

"I guess we shouldn't keep her waiting," Alex suggested, to which everyone agreed with, and you all soon made your way outside.

Once the group of you were all dressed for the cold, you went down to the resort lobby and dispersed. The kids made their way to the ski hills while Ema and Brian wandered around the village with your dad and Alice.

As soon as you arrived at the foot of the hill with all of your gear, Auston asked if you were sure you would be ok doing this, and you assured him that you would be.

You then made your way over to the ski lift and braced yourself for what was to come. Mia stayed at the bottom of the hill with Alex, but not without cheering you and Auston on, of course.

"Go, mommy! Go, daddy!" She called after the two of you and waved with Alex as she watched you go.

You then got on one of the ski lift chairs with Auston and Bre and waited patiently to be taken up to the top. Once you got off the lift and everyone was grouped together, you, Nate, Mya, Mitch and Chris all took your annual hilltop cousin group picture, as well as some others.

There were some nice photos taken of you with your siblings, a couple with Steph, as well as a few with Bre. Nate managed to capture a typical picture of you and Mitch where he was laughing, and you looked like you were ready to throat punch him. But your favourite photo was one that Bre took.

As everyone was figuring out which hill they wanted to go on after this one, you shuffled over to Auston, then wrapped your arms around his waist and leaned against his chest as you waited. He responded by wrapping his arms around your middle too so that he could hold you close. Then he leaned his head on top of yours and looked down towards the bottom of the hill. Steph then went over to Bre and pointed out the cute little moment happening between you and Auston, and your sister-in-law was quick at snapping a picture so that the moment would be saved forever.

Shortly after that, you all snowboarded down the hill. Mitch and Nate showed off a bit, and Auston tried to but got a little shaky in doing so. You made it to the bottom without issue but didn't want to risk going down again because, realistically, you didn't know what could happen out there and would much rather be safe than sorry.

The rest of them went down different ski trails while you hung out with Mia and let Alex have a turn going up the hill as well. As you and Mia waited, you noticed the rental spot for skis and snowboards, and since there wasn't much else to do, you decided to go rent a tiny snowboard for Mia to see how she would take to the activity.

After you got her all geared up and standing on the board, you started pulling her around.

"Look at you go, Mia, you're a natural," you told her with a smile.

"Look at me, go!" She repeated while giggling as she continued staying firm in her standing position while you pulled the rope attached to the board.

About twenty minutes later, you found a very tiny pile of snow that barely had a slope, but it was still something and gave you an idea.

"Alright, babe, want to try all by yourself?" You asked and looked down at your daughter. She didn't answer you. Instead, she just looked up at you unsurely. "It's going to be ok, sweets. I won't let you fall."

"Ok, mama," she replied hesitantly but did not indicate that she didn't trust you.

You then pulled her up the small snowbank and positioned her at the top where the slope began. Once you were done doing that, you crouched down next to Mia so that the two of you would be face to face.

"Are you ready?" You asked and couldn't help but smile as she lit right up and nodded.

"Yeah!"

"Ok, give me five," you replied and held out your hand, which she quickly smacked her mitten-covered hand against in attempts to give you a high-five. "Full send?"

"Full send, mommy!"

At that, you chuckled, then leaned over to kiss her head before shuffling down the slope. Once you reached where the rope ended, you looked at your daughter again before grabbing it and started tugging slightly.

Once Mia was over the edge of where the slope began, you let go of the rope and let her slide down all on her own. You shuffled down the hill backwards, making sure to be there if she did fall, but she made it to the bottom without issue and was so proud of herself.

"Woah!" She gasped and looked at you, excitedly.

"Good job, baby!" You told her, but loud cheering and hollering sounded from nearby before you could say anything else.

"Shred-it, Mia!" Nate exclaimed, making you look over to see everyone approaching the two of you again, all of them grinning widely.

"Good job, Mini!" Auston beamed as he was the first to reach you, then quickly scooped up Mia and held her close. "And here I thought you might act more Arizonian than Ontarian."

"Well, she was born here," Mitchy argued. "Don't downplay her half-Canadianness."

"She's already better at snowboarding than I am," Alex added in, making everyone laugh.

"Pretty soon, she's going to show all of us up," Chris stated.

Mia couldn't stop smiling while being surrounded by all of her people and hearing their compliments. Shortly after that, Mitchy pulled her back up to the top of the snowbank so she could go down once more, then you all headed back into the resort to warm up and get ready to go find the rest of the family.

A couple of hours later, after the whole group got together for dinner, everyone was gathered in your and Auston's room just hanging out. Your room was pretty big, but with Mitch and Steph's room being connected, it allowed much more space, and no one was cramped.

No one stayed dressed up for this. You all changed into comfy clothes without having the need to impress anyone but still managed to pull off a surprise when yours and Auston's family arrived at your room to find you, him and Mia all dressed in matching Christmas pyjamas.

Everyone then started sipping on some alcoholic beverages, minus you and Mia, of course, and as the night progressed, you started feeling more and more ready to tell the rest of your family that you were pregnant again.

Your siblings, Mitch, Steph and Chris, were all aware that you hadn't been feeling well lately, and they never pressed you about it, even though they didn't know why. They knew that whatever wasn't making you feel well was more than just one thing, but they knew you'd tell them when you were ready to. So, when you expressed that you didn't want to drink that night, none of them gave you a hard time even though Steph had a gut feeling about something.

It eventually got to the point where you just didn't want to wait any longer. You were having so much fun with the people you loved the most and were unable to keep your secret anymore.

You subtly made your way over to where Auston was standing, holding Mia as he talked with Chris in the corner of the room by the Christmas tree, and wasted no time cuddling right up next to him.

"Hi, mommy," Mia greeted, noticing you before anyone else but soon had Auston turning to look over his shoulder, smiling as soon as he saw you.

"Hey, babe," Auston said and welcomed your cuddles.

"Sorry to interrupt," you stated, then looked to your cousin, who also just smiled in return while watching you, Auston and Mia together.

"You didn't interrupt," Chris replied. "But I'll be right back. I'm going to go grab another drink."

Once it was just your little family of three, you looked up to Auston and bit down on your bottom lip while trying to contain the massive grin you could feel forming.

"What's up?" Your husband asked, knowing that you were getting excited about something.

"I want to tell them."

"Right now?"

"Yeah," you answered. "I think I'm ready."

"Then I'm ready, too," he stated, which made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

"What are you three over there talking about?" Mya spoke up as she approached the three of you.

With one final glance at Auston, the two of you nodded at each other, then you moved away from him slightly so that you could both face everyone else.

"Well, there's something that we wanted to tell all of you," you told Mya but managed to capture everyone else's attention too.

"Wait!" You heard Mitch yell from the other room, then a moment later, he was bursting through the doorway and letting out a dramatic breath. "Ok, proceed."

You smiled and braced yourself for what was to come.

When it came to announcing your pregnancy with Mia, it was all a little chaotic and nothing was planned well. Which was fine, but you wanted the announcing of this little bean to be more fun and exciting. Unfortunately, that plan was partially ruined when you fainted in front of Auston's family, but you knew they were excited and knew that your family would be just as stoked, which is why you wanted to get creative with how you told them.

Growing up, for the longest time, you didn't really understand pregnancy, seeing as you were so young when your mom was pregnant with both Mya and Nate. You were never able to remember who put that idea in your head, but you used to believe how a woman got pregnant was by eating a watermelon seed, and then a baby grew in their belly because of it. Eventually, you grew out of that and understood what it actually meant to become pregnant, but your family has never let you live it down.

When you showed Mya and Nate your pregnant belly when you were expecting Mia, one of the first things your brother asked was if you ate watermelon, and it's also just something members of your family will always bring up just to tease you about.

You told Auston this story when he was confused by why so many people talked about watermelon as you were pregnant the first time, and he found it absolutely hilarious. His family did, too, so you thought that would be a fun thing to incorporate into announcing this pregnancy.

A couple of weeks prior was when you attempted to tell Mia about how she would be a big sister in a few months. She didn't understand, and both you and Auston knew you'd both have to be gradual and patient when it came to helping her understand what that meant. After you told her, she asked how you were pregnant, and before you could even say anything, Auston told her that you ate watermelon and you wanted to die of embarrassment because you knew that was just something you'd never be able to live down.

"The anticipation is killing me," Steph spoke up, snapping you from your train of thought but also making you grin even wider than before.

"Mini, can you tell everyone what your mommy ate?" Auston asked your daughter as he looked down at her, then pointed to her tummy so that she'd understand what he was referring to.

"Mommy ate watermelon," she said casually, then jumped when a series of excited gasps sounded from around the room.

"SHUT UP!" Nate was the first to say something, making Auston's family and your dad laugh, while everyone else looked at you completely flabbergasted.

"Are you kidding?" Mya asked and stepped even closer. "This isn't some kind of sick joke, is it?"

"It's not," you confirmed, your voice cracking as you let out a small laugh and started crying as your sister engulfed you in a tight hug.

Soon enough, another pair of arms were wrapping around you and Mya, holding you both tightly as they did so. They laid their head right on top of yours with ease, and a deep laugh rippled through their chest. You knew it had to be your brother.

"This is insane. Congratulations, Y/N," Nate said.

"Meems, you're going to be a big sister!" Mitchy told Mia as he took her from Auston's arms so your brother and sister could move on to congratulating him too. Once he had Mia, he looked at you and shook his head but had the biggest smile as he pulled you in for a hug. "Congrats, twin. Oh, my god."

"I knew something was up!" Steph squealed as she tackled you in a hug next. "Please, I'm so happy for you, babe."

You then received a hug from both Chris and Alice after that, who were extremely happy for you and Auston. Shortly after that, Ema ran to her room to bring back bottles of wine for everyone to crack into for a congratulatory toast kind of thing. She made sure to give you a glass of sparkling cider instead as everyone cheered on your growing family, making you even more emotional as you leaned into Auston's chest as a way to hide the fact that you were bawling your eyes out.

Later that night, after everyone had wandered off to bed, you and Auston were still awake wrapping the Christmas gifts you brought to give to your loved ones in the morning. Mia was passed out on her little travel bed on the other side of the room next to yours and Auston's bed, while the two of you were all giggly and teasing with each other as you attempted to get everything done.

Auston was a little buzzed from the alcohol he consumed earlier, and even though you were sober, you just fed off his energy, and the two of you were just having a lot of fun.

"Would you quiet down?" You whispered after he made a particularly cheeky but loud comment. "You're going to wake Mia up."

"It's Christmas, babe," he replied as he stuck his tongue out at you. "Loosen up a bit."

You rolled your eyes at him but still smiled as he leaned over to change the song that was softly playing from his phone nearby. Whenever Mia was going to sleep, she always preferred to listen to music as she did. So, you and Auston made a little playlist she listens to fall asleep to every night that's made up of very soft and soothing music and songs that you both love.

Even after Mia fell asleep, the two of you left the music on so it would somewhat cover up your voices as you did your wrapping. It just all very much so fit the vibe of the two of you still in your matching pj's talking with each other as you sat on the ground next to the Christmas tree seeing as that was the only light source you could use in the room without waking up your daughter.

The intro notes of Lover by Taylor Swift started playing next, and Auston let out a pleased sigh as he looked back at you.

"Ah, Miss Swift," he said, then gave you a look.

"What?" You asked and narrowed your gaze at him.

"Can I not just admire my beautiful wife?"

"You can, but I know the look you're giving me. It's the one you give when you want something. So, what is it?"

"You know me well," he told you then smirked, before extending a hand towards you. "Dance with me."

At that, you chuckled a little bit, but then Auston stood up and kept his hand extended as he looked at you expectantly.

"Wait, are you serious?" You asked, surprised.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

You didn't know how to respond. You were so caught off guard but soon found yourself slowly reaching for his hand and letting him help you stand back up. Once you were upright, you then let him pull you in close and rested your head on his chest as the two of you began swaying to the music.

As you did this, you couldn't help but think about dancing with him like this at your wedding that happened a year and a half prior. That was one of the happiest days of your life. Dancing with him at that moment next to the Christmas Tree made you feel like that all over again, and you soon found yourself snuggling closer to him as he began humming along to the lyrics.

No words were exchanged. There was no need for them to be. The two of you were in your own little world and just wanted to stay there for a while longer. Even as Lover faded out and Ed Sheeran's Perfect began playing next, the two of you stayed holding onto each other and continued swaying as the night seemingly faded around you both.

~*~

Christmas Day morning, although kind of chaotic, was everything you could've hoped it'd be.

You, Auston and Mia, had a very soft morning that was just the three of you before everyone piled into your room again and kicked off the day's events. Your entire family all got breakfast together, then went back to the rooms to exchange gifts but had to check out of the resort and head back to Toronto soon after.

That evening, you drove Nate, Mya, your dad and Alice to the airport, then went back home to have Christmas dinner with Auston's family. It was a very chill way to conclude the holiday, and you loved every minute of it.

A few days later, Auston's family flew home to Arizona, hockey started up again, and things just started feeling weird to you.

You would've been lying if you said you didn't experience a bit of post-holiday depression. Going from a full house of people and having all your loved ones together to having the house basically empty besides you, Mia and Frank hit really hard. The Leafs' schedule after Christmas sucked and had Auston constantly coming and going, which also didn't help because it was brief when he was home.  

It was like you were coming down from a really good high, but instead of things eventually feeling normal again, they just gradually got worse without you even realizing it. And on top of it all, you just felt so tired and weak all the damn time, finally noticing how badly your anemia absolutely kicked your ass and would continue to do so for the months to come.

However, as soon as you acknowledged how down you were feeling mentally, you booked an appointment with your therapist. Gradually got in the routine of talking to them at least once a week again. But even in doing that, you never discussed how you were feeling with anyone else and were unintentionally pushing them away.

Your loved ones noticed, though. It was very easy for them too. But, there wasn't much they could do to help if you didn't let them.

During those weeks after Christmas, Mia barely left your side because she knew you weren't feeling well, and neither did Frank. Mitch and Steph were able to pick up on something bothering you, too, because you distanced yourself from them. They knew about you having anemia and how that definitely affected you a lot, also that you were just bummed, but you wouldn't let them even try to help you. Steph tried to invite you over for days the two of you could just chill together with Mia, Frank and Zeus while the guys were away and was even ok going to your house instead, but you never gave her a straight answer. So, nothing came of it, and she and Mitch started genuinely getting worried about you.

They weren't the only ones who realized you weren't feeling like yourself either.

When you Facetimed your dad, Alice, Nate and Mya while they were in Florida, they could easily tell you weren't doing good and just wished they could be there to help. Auston's family was able to tell too, and it even got to the point where Ema was about to fly back to Toronto but didn't because she knew if that wasn't something you wanted to happen, it wouldn't help the situation.

Naturally, it was Auston who noticed just how much changed with you after the holidays. He saw it first hand when he was home and could hear it in your voice during your calls while he was away. However, you just never expressed what was bothering you, and other than the obvious things that triggered this, not even you were sure why you felt as gross as you did.

Unfortunately, this took somewhat of a toll on your's and Auston's relationship. You didn't realize you were pushing him away, and he couldn't help but blame himself for it. He wished he could be home all the time, and so did you, but that just wasn't possible, and it was the first time that a form of mental and emotional distance between the two of you added to the physical distance that was already there and it just made everything so much harder.

Miscommunication between you and Auston occurred more during these few weeks than it ever had throughout your entire relationship. How both of you felt just wasn't addressed because neither of you knew how to approach the topic and were utterly oblivious to how bad it truly was.

Both of you hated it so much. But then, around the middle of January, about two weeks before Mia's second birthday, there was a slight shift, and things briefly started looking up.

You were happy and more energetic all of a sudden, and for a few days straight, you just seemed so much like yourself again. There was a day that you and Mia grabbed lunch with Steph then hung out for the remainder of the day for the first time in almost a month. Your dad, Alice and Nate were due to fly back to Toronto in the upcoming days and stay for a night before going home themselves, so you were excited to see them even though Mya was already back in B.C. And even with Auston, you were gradually coming out of that wall you unintentionally built around yourself and letting him back in as well.

Although not every day was perfect, things seemed better. Little did anyone know they were about to go to complete shit and how easily it could've all been avoided too.

During a couple of days where Auston was home, he decided to plan something special for you. The weird scheduling of him seemingly being on the road more than he was at home was coming to an end just in time for Mia's birthday, and he couldn't wait. He was so excited to have longer stretches at home. Even though he'd still have to come and go, it wasn't going to seem as bad as it had been previously. And the best part was that he'd get just to be there and spend time with you and Mia.

To kick that off, on the 15th, exactly ten days before Mia's birthday, he booked a reservation for the two of you to grab dinner at one of your favourite restaurants downtown.

You weren't feeling 100% that day, but after Auston proposed the idea, explained what restaurant the two of you would be going to, and how he'd already arranged for Steph to watch Mia that night, you got pretty excited about it.

The thought of having a nice evening with your husband sounded so good to you. After how shitty January had been so far, you felt that you really needed this one on one time with him and could tell that he felt the same.

There wasn't a Leafs game that day, but Auston did have practice and some media stuff he had to do before meeting you for dinner. It was a long and hectic day, to say the least, and it ended up being way longer than he was expecting, but he eventually finished what he needed to do and couldn't wait to get home and see his girls.

However, when he got home, you weren't there. But Steph was.

"Hey, Steph," Auston greeted as he walked through the front door and looked at her curiously. He was lucky, though, because Mia was very focused on the show Steph had put on for her and didn't even notice him. But before he could make his presence known to her, Steph told Mia she'd be back in a second, then rushed into the foyer.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, looking at him as if he'd grown a second head.

"Uh, this is my house?" He chuckled in response.

"I'm aware of that, but weren't you supposed to be downtown getting dinner with Y/N an hour ago?"

Auston froze and went completely pale at that.

"Oh, fuck," he said and immediately started putting his coat back on. "Oh, my god. I completely forgot about the reservation. Fuck!"

Without saying another word, he booked it out of the house and back to his car, but Steph understood and just hoped that this wouldn't become a whole thing, even though she had a feeling it definitely wasn't going to end up good.

Auston tried calling you as he drove back downtown and got more frustrated with himself when you weren't answering. About twenty minutes later, he parked the car and rushed to the restaurant. However, when he went to go inside, you walked out.

You looked surprised to see him, but that quickly changed to a look of hurt and disappointment, which didn't go unnoticed by your husband.

"Y/N, I am so sorry," Auston tried to explain while taking in how dressed up you were. You looked stunning in the dress you decided to wear that night, and it made him feel even worse about how badly he fucked up. "I got so caught up with everything today, and I know that's no excuse, but please know how sorry I am. We can go back in there. I'm sure they'll still take us."

"I already ate," you told him, then glanced away. It was then he noticed how glossy your eyes were with unshed tears and could feel his heart shatter. "I just want to go home."

"But, baby-."

"Please, Auston. I'm embarrassed enough as it is."

He didn't know what he could say to that, so with a nod and another apology, the two of you walked to his car and headed home.

The original plan was for Steph to drop you off at the restaurant to meet Auston, then the two of you would drive home together afterwards. That's exactly what happened. But the entire drive home was so painfully silent, and Auston knew it was all his fault.

"Babe, you don't understand how sorry I truly am," he eventually spoke up, which had you shifting awkwardly in your seat before responding.

"I understand. But please, let's just drop it."

You didn't leave much room for argument as you mindlessly started rubbing your 18-week pregnant belly and moved to look out the window, so Auston didn't bother fighting you on it and continued the drive home in silence.

Steph could sense the tension when the two of you walked into the house but knew it wasn't her place to ask about it. So, she gave Mia a quick hug goodbye, then told you and Auston to have a good night as you both thanked her for watching Mia, then made her way home for the night.

There weren't many words exchanged between the two of you as you put Mia to bed and got ready to sleep yourselves. Although you still cuddled up against Auston as you began falling asleep, just like you did every night, he still knew that you were so upset with him. However, the issue wasn't resolved or addressed, and the two of you soon fell asleep for the night.

The next morning, Auston had to be up early to catch a flight out of Pearson with the team to go to New Jersey for a game against the Devils that night. He was due to be back home in three days after a game against the Capitals the following day, and then was going to be home for four days before having to go to Montreal.

You didn't express that you were still upset with him as he got ready to leave, but he knew you were still hurt. As he was about to walk out the door, you still wished him luck with his games and told him that you loved him, because even though you were upset, that didn't change the love you always had for your husband.

But, Auston was already overthinking the entire situation and had begun planning a way he could make it up to you again as both you and Mia kissed him goodbye. That night after the game against the Devils was when he decided he'd fly home the following night after the game against Washington to surprise you, rather than going back to Toronto a day later with the rest of the team.

However, the day he was planning on flying home, you called him to explain how Mia wasn't feeling good.

You were pretty sure she was getting an ear infection, and she was just so fussy because of how uncomfortable and in pain she was. It broke your heart seeing her like that, and you just really needed to tell Auston about it, hoping he'd remind you that everything was going to be ok and of course, he did.

During that conversation, he managed not to bring up the fact that he was coming home that night but said to call him still if you needed anything or if Mia got worse.

Unfortunately, Mia did get worse, and it was too overwhelming for you.

When Auston was playing hockey that night, you got to the point where you were about to have an absolute breakdown because it was all too much. Your doctor was closed, and Mia didn't even consider the idea of going to the hospital, getting even fussier whenever you mentioned it. You couldn't call Auston and were about to call Steph because, on top of everything, you felt like trash too. Although you really didn't want to inconvenience anyone, you knew that you needed help and couldn't do this independently.

But, before you called Steph, you remembered that your dad and Nate were in town with Alice for the next two nights before they flew back to Vancouver and Montreal. You weren't even sure if they'd landed in Pearson yet, but without thinking about it any longer, you brought up Alice's contact in your phone as you held Mia with your other arm and hit the call button.

"Hello?" Alice greeted you with her usual cheery voice, which made you let out a loud sigh of relief.

"Alice, are you guys back in Toronto yet, by chance?" Your voice cracked as you sniffled, trying to keep it together but simply unable to.

"Oh, honey, is everything alright? We're in an Uber right now, about ten minutes away from my cousin's house."

"Would you mind if I came over? Auston isn't here, Mia is sick, and I need help. I don't know what to do anymore."

"You do not even need to ask, sweetheart," she replied softly. "But take a few deep breaths for me, ok? I know it's tough, but it's going to be alright. You go pack a bag for you and Mia, then get her and Frank loaded into the car and come over. Ok?"

"Ok," you responded, taking a deep breath as you did so. "Thank you, Alice. We'll be there real soon."

After you hung up the phone, you continued taking deep breaths so you could calm yourself down. You then looked down at Mia as she leaned against your shoulder, fighting to stay awake, and could tell that she felt probably as gross as you did.

"I'm sorry you're not feeling good, sweet girl," you told her softly, then brushed some of her curls away from her face. "We're going to stay with Pa, Alice and Uncle Nate for the night, ok? We're going to get you feeling better very soon."

"Ok, mama," she replied, then held onto you a little tighter as you started packing a bag for the two of you, then got both of you all bundled up to leave the house for the night.

As soon as Auston's game was over, he called you to check in with how Mia was doing, but the call went straight to voicemail. After a few more attempts to contact you and the same outcome, he started getting worried. He texted his mom, Steph and even a couple of the other Leafs girlfriends that he knew you were pretty close with to see if anyone had heard from you, which none of them had.

Not being able to keep himself from getting a little anxious, Auston still went to the airport and got on the conveniently short flight back to Toronto, hoping that everything would be fine once he got there.

As soon as he landed, he called you again, and there was still no answer. Yes, he knew that you were still mad at him, but he didn't think you were angry enough just to ignore him entirely and seemingly fall off the grid, especially after telling him that Mia was sick.

He started getting frustrated and sent a quick text to Nate to see if he'd heard from you, but never got a reply back. So, he ordered an Uber to take him home, and when he got there, his heart dropped into the pit of his stomach.

Your car wasn't in the driveway, there wasn't a single light on in the house, and there wasn't a single sign of you, Mia or Frank once he went inside. It was past Mia's bedtime, so it didn't make sense for you not to be home, but surely if you'd taken her to the hospital, you would've told him and not taken Frank. So, he called you again and still wasn't able to get through.

He stressfully pushed his hand through his hair as he called his parents in an attempt to figure out what the hell was going. As he did this, he took his boots off, hung up his coat and went upstairs to your's and his bedroom. When he entered the room, a mix of your and Mia's clothes was strewn all over the place. It looked that you left in a hurry and only grabbed what you could, but Auston couldn't figure out why.

While on the phone with his parents, he expressed what he saw to them and felt himself getting more and more upset. Ema tried to keep him level minded, but he was already too worked up for her to be successful in doing that.

"Mom, I think she left," he finally stated, acknowledging the worst-case scenario that had been eating away at his mind since the moment he entered the house. Ema was confused by what he meant when saying that because she was already well aware that you weren't there, but then Auston elaborated on what he was thinking. "Me, mom. I think she left me."

[kirbyspits]

A lot of Makorra shippers only moved on because they’re afraid of being called homophobic for not shipping korrasami. I LITERALLY saw someone on Instagram yesterday call a makorra shipper homophobic just for saying korrasami came out of nowhere. Also, Korrasami shippers LOVE to bring up the "popping bottles" backlash to make fun of makorra shippers. I left the tlok fandom in 2014 bc it was so toxic as a teenager, but now i’m 23. I’m no longer afraid of shipping something i always loved.

Ah, yes, I realized I didn’t address the fandom's toxicity in the last ask, but I’ve spoken about it before. I don't talk too much about the past because I was at the edge of the fandom back in 2014/2015. I was aware of fights, but the discussions I saw were moreso on bi-erasure. I saw one post saying it was wrong to ship Makorra. I remember being really confused about why Makorra was actually problematic, but I didn’t appreciate being told who I can ship the only dark-skinned woman protagonist on a major television network with. Why are you forcing me to ignore Mako and Korra’s relationship? Book 1 is practically about Mako and Korra, all other characters be damned. Me preferring the story of one pairing and a popular romance trope, second chances, is not wrong, and no one would know how I view the LGBT+ community based on who I ship in one show.

I ended up leaving the community because I was disappointed with season 4 in general. When Korra was released on Netflix, I figured it was time to rewatch the series again (plus, I’ve been binging all my favorite romance anime). So imagine my shock when I created a new Tumblr and Twitter account to rant and rave about TLOK, and I saw nothing but hate and name-calling in the Makorra tags. I saw people casually throwing around the word “homophobic,” and one person said people who don’t like Korrasami are just misogynistic. 

I just wanted pretty pictures, and people are out here psychoanalyzing shippers! So, I dug through some blogs and to feel more grounded with this fandom I didn’t recognize. After reading through their commentaries and experiences, I actually became more upset at Bryke than the teenagers/children who comment on Makorra posts saying how much better Korrasami is or accuse Makorra shippers of being homophobic. 

Yes, I truly believe these comments are mostly coming from people in their late teens and younger, at least in 2020. I can’t speak on 2014/2015, but since we were younger, the early 20s/late teens, I wonder if our age group was also the loudest. Don’t get me wrong, adults can be horrible people and can get really nasty. However, every time I look up the rudest commenters' profiles, they were teens. When one Korrasami shipper wrote “screw Makorra” on my AMV, I figured I’d have some fun trolling them until I clicked on their profile and saw a child. Needless to say, I ignored them and reflected on how parents are allowing their babies on TikTok while my parents freaked out at the idea of showing my picture on FB growing up. 

*I’m not still mad about that*

Also, while it doesn’t give anyone an excuse to make such a strong accusation, part of me, as a straight person, feels like I can’t get too upset because I also become very aware of my privilege. The space I’m in is a majority of young LGBT+ fans (at least on Twitter where I’ve seen the most toxicity). Some people see TLOK as their safe space and imply why should there be Makorra shippers when they have all these other cis/het shows they can engage with. It doesn’t work like that, of course. TLOK doesn’t only feature Bi characters. They’re POC/Indigenous, women, and Korra has dark skin. That’s a lot of marginalized communities. Makorra/TLOK is my comfort show, not because she’s with a man, but because of the reasons I just listed. Also shipping Korra with Mako doesn’t mean she’s no longer bi. She’d still be attracted to women.

Here’s who I am upset with tho, Bryke. Mostly Bryan. While Makorra shippers called out Korrasami shippers for cyberbullying, the focus seemed to be on Bryan for making it seem like there was something wrong with them for not finding Korrasami’s narrative satisfying. It was especially sad to read bloggers who identified as being part of the LGTB+ community saying Bryan’s hetero-lens dismissed their experience and then having to defend/proving themselves to anonymous messengers. 

Fans saw it as a betrayal. They saw it as the go-head for the rude Korrasami shippers to harass Makorra artists because they “didn’t watch the show correctly.” When the creator, the person you admire, also puts the blame on you, that kind of pain is on another level.

Korrasami shippers played a huge role in kicking Makorra shippers out of the fandom, but we can’t underestimate how much Bryan’s statement is a slap in the face. He used his characters and social justice as a shield for reasonable criticism. Just because we say a story is bad and Asami is grossly underwritten doesn’t mean that we’re against the idea of Korra and Asami being a couple. 

Of course, I’ve seen some very problematic statements from Makorra shippers. After all, homophobia is real. However, aside from the actual bigots, people have no issue with Korrasami. They just wanted a stronger connection between the girls. Many people seem to think Makorra shippers were looking for more romance, but we know we couldn't expect that. We can expect more screentime, musical cues, and more emotional support, which most people can see as platonic, but be romantic if you really want to. Mako’s interactions in book 4 can be seen as platonic, but all of us Makorra shippers saw it to be romantic.

Popping bottles! I completely missed that joke in 2014 and I discovered it this year. I agree it’s pretty annoying, but I become a troll and say I’m popping bottles for my Makorra moments. I don’t get any engagement, but I don’t seem to lose followers for it. Maybe popping bottles represents “straight-baiting?” I don’t get it why it’s so funny after all this time, but we’re Makorra shippers. We’re the joke 🙄

Anyways, to wrap up, lately, there seems to be a bit of a shift on Twitter. When I first created an account. I stayed in my little corner live-tweeting about TLOK and Makorra. I had to stop looking at the Makorra tag because it was so negative. Now, I’m seeing people admit they’re cute, and then saying they’re platonic soulmates. I’ll take it, although, as one commenter said, “that’s boring!” 

Someone led a Makorra Week back in October, and it was really nice! I have feeling people speaking up on the name-calling and reminding people that we’re talking about 2D characters helped. We just want to be left alone and enjoy the scenes we have in the show, art, and fanfiction. 

Keep shipping who you want! Don’t let any stranger shame you for your shipping preferences, especially in fiction! I’m so happy you feel more comfortable shipping these two dorks! You’re not alone! I’ve been a Makorra shipper since 2012, and while I find Korrasami cute (I love Korra, and I love Asami), Makorra is my OTP. I really like them, and I think they were meant for each other.

[breanime]

Can request a bre's boys where their kid comes out?

Billy Russo: “Dad,” your son took a deep breath, “Mom... I... I don’t like girls.” You and Billy nodded, not wanting to rush him. “Okay,” you said, your eyes soft. “I think... I think I like boys,” he finished. Billy stood up then, and your son flinched, and that one movement broke Billy’s heart. He reached out and pulled your son in for a hug. “D-Dad?” He asked, and Billy could feel him shaking in his embrace. “I love you,” Billy replied, “your Mom loves you, and we ain’t never gonna stop loving you, son.” You came over and hugged them both. “You’re not mad?” Your son asked, his voice shaky with emotion. “Of course not,” you answered, “We love you no matter what.” “Plus,” Billy grinned, pulling back a bit, “we kind of saw this one comin’...”

Logan Delos: Logan and your daughter were watching TV, just hanging out, when she looked up at him and asked “Dad, is it possible to like boys and girls? Like... Like like them?” “Oh, for sure,” he answered brightly, “I’m attracted to men and women,” he said, noting her wide eyed response, “what’s important is that you treat people right, and you know your worth.” She nodded, pausing for a moment. “Does Mom know you like boys and girls?” “Yeah, she knows,” he answered, “it has a name, too--liking boys and girls.” “It does?” “Yup. Bisexual. I’m bisexual,” he smiled, his eyes warm, “how about you?” Your daughter smiled back. “I’m bisexual.”

Jax Teller: Your daughter was in tears. She was shaking, and you and Jax were freaking out too. “Baby, what’s wrong?” You asked as she sobbed into your shoulder. “Tell us what’s wrong.” “I’m--I’m so scared,” she sobbed back, “I don’t want you to be mad at me!” “Hey,” Jax rubbed her back, “sweetheart, we’re not gonna be mad, okay? Just tell us what’s wrong. Let us help...” She looked up then, her eyes red. “I’m a lesbian,” she choked out. You and Jax paused. “Is... Is that supposed to be news?” You asked. Your daughter’s jaw dropped. “Darlin’, you realize we live with you, right? And we raised you? We knew you were gay,” Jax added. “Oh, but, you’re coming out to us,” you gushed, “this is a moment!” Your daughter laughed as you and Jax hugged her, feeling so loved and supported. 

Coco Cruz: Coco knew his son was gay since he was a little kid, but he also knew it was hard to be a Latino gay kid in this town, so he didn’t push him. But when your son asked to have a family meeting, the two of you knew what was up. “I have something to tell you,” your son said, fidgeting as he stood in front of you and Coco, “and... and it might make you mad, but... I hope you’ll still love me...” He took a breath. “I’m gay.” You and Coco had been waiting for this day, and you both knew what to do. You stood up and hugged him. “We’re not mad, mijo,” Coco said, his voice carefully level, “we’re proud.” “What?” “You’re such an amazing kid,” you said, cupping his face in your hands, “you’re smart and kind and so, so brave.” “We love you,” Coco added, hugging him again, “nothing you do could ever make us stop loving you.” 

Angel Reyes: “I’m not a girl,” your kid declared, “I’m a boy. I’m trans, I’m sorry, I--” “Dude,” Angel got up and hugged your son, “hey, relax. Don’t cry.” Your son wiped his eyes, looking up at Angel. “Y-you’re not mad?” “I’m your Dad,” Angel said back, smiling, “I love you. I loved you when you were my daughter, and I love you just as much now that you’re my son.” “M-Mom?” You stood up, crying because he was crying. “Oh, mi amor, we kind of knew...” “You did?” “Dude,” Angel said again, “you wanted to wear overalls from ages 2 to 9.” “And you played football all throughout middle school,” you added. “Also, who do you think buys your clothes? Shit, man, you own more jeans than I do,” Angel laughed. Your son laughed too, and the three of you spent the next few hours discussing hormones and binders and making doctor’s appointments. 

Miguel Galindo: Your daughter had been suspended for punching a kid in the face. You and Miguel had tried to get her to talk about it on the ride home, but she wasn’t budging. Finally, when you got home, Miguel made her sit down. “Talk,” he said. “He said I was a slut!” She cried out. “Well, are you?” Miguel asked calmly, sitting in his chair as you sat too. “No, I just--” she stopped herself, a blush creeping to her cheeks. Your eyes narrowed. “You just what?” You asked. She sank down into the cushions. “I just... I’m pan,” she whispered, “I like boys and girls...” “Oh,” you said. Miguel shrugged. “So this guy accused you of being a slut because you’re pansexual?” He asked. She nodded. He stood, walking towards the door. “Dad? Where are you going?” “Back up to the school to let them know they’re letting you back with no suspension, otherwise we’re suing them for homophobia,” he stopped, “Wanna come with me?” Her face lit up. 

Nick Amaro: You’d left Nick a message that your son wanted to talk to him. So when he walked through the door, he wasn’t surprised to see him waiting for him. “Hey,” Nick greeted him, putting his briefcase down. “Dad, I’m gay!” He blurted out. Nick nodded, taking in your son’s nervous expression. He walked over to him and hugged him. “I know,” he said, laughing softly, “and I want you to know that I love you. I’ll always love you.” Your son nodded, tears in his eyes. “That’s what Mom said you’d say.” Nick smiled back. “She’s a smart woman. Now, sit down. We need to talk about safe sex.” “Dad, you already gave me this talk.” “I gave you the hetero talk, this one is about gay sex--why are you running away? Come back, I know things!”

Johnny Tuturro: Johnny was tasked with taking your daughter shopping for her prom dress, and he couldn’t help but notice how nervous she was. “What’s wrong,” he asked after she rejected another dress, “I thought you’d love this.” “I do, Dad, I just...” She sighed. “I have to tell you something...” “Okay...” “I lied to you,” she confessed, “I’m not going to prom with Marcus... I’m going with Martiza.” Johnny paused. “Like...as friends or...?” “Not...not as friends.” His eyes grew wide. “As a couple,” he said. She nodded, biting her lip. “Oh, shit!” Johnny cheered, grinning. “Your Mom owes me $20! I knew you two were more than friends! Oh, does she have her dress yet? You guys have to match!” Your daughter couldn’t help but laugh. “You knew?” “I had a feeling,” Johnny answered, “but...can I ask... Are you bi or pan or...?” “Lesbian,” she answered, no longer nervous. “Oh good,” he said back, “they have a bad ass flag!”

Rio: You and Rio stayed up all night researching ways to talk to your son about his sexuality. You were both pretty sure Marcus knew his brother was gay, but you didn’t want to put him on the spot by asking him. So, the next morning, after Marcus went off to practice, you and Rio sat your other son down. “Papa,” Rio began, “your Mom and I want you to know that we love you. No matter what, we love you.” Your son nodded, clearly nervous. “And we don’t want you to feel like you have to... tell us anything right now,” you added, “you can open up at your own pace, but, we want you to know that we love you--all of you.” “Yeah,” Rio jumped in, “and there’s nothing about you that you should ever be ashamed of, okay?” Your son nodded again. “I...  I want to tell you,” he said, “I’m gay.” You both got up and hugged him, and he hugged you back. “Thank you,” he said, voice muffled by Rio’s shirt. “Nah,” Rio smiled down at him, “no need to thank us--we love you, papa, we love all of you.” 

*******************************************************************************************

Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think! This is the last one, and I am so happy that I can end it with this. Happy Pride month, everyone!

Everything Taglist: @sweetybuzz25  @mrsjaxtellerfan  @rhabakoli  @encounterthepast @realduckvader   @justvnash @knowles-morgan  @ateliefloresdaprimavera @evanlys19  @nyxxnoxx @carlaangel86  @luminex3 @jigsawlover10  @gollyderek @otomefromtheheart  @lexxierave  @amethyst09 @falsehopesndreams  @a-dorky-book-keeper @witchygagirl @glimmerglittergirl @nich0lasmatthews  @ben-c-group-therapy @felicity-x0 @amirra88 @yourfellowangel @vibranium-soul @xserenax-13  @woahitslucyylu​  @gemini0410 @ktiz90 @theoceanhathsolace @starrynite7114 @my-rosegold-soul @papa-geralt-of-cirilla​

[crossdressingdeath]

I am not Chinese. I do however come from part of the world where physical violence towards kids as "disciple" is pretty normalized. And I very strongly believe that hurting a child, your own or otherwise, isn't okay. There's science that agrees overwhelmingly with this. A lot of people who were hit etc growing up say that it was fine, their parents loved them, they turned out great. And those people hit their kids too. It's hard to see parents that you love and admire as imperfect, especially if what they did is common or widely accepted. Parents can do their best, want the best for their kids, love them, and still fuck up. I've seen some people say that if YZY was abusive than they were abused and that really doesn't seem to be the solid argument that it's presented as, to me. Hell, I've learned that some things my parents did were incredibly fucked up and considered abuse and that's really hard to reconcile with knowing that they did a lot for me and love me. I'm still not there. I don't want to bash someone's culture. There are imperfect parents everywhere, and there's things that are fine in moderation but are a problem at higher levels. Wanting the best for your kids and encouraging them, pushing them to grow, that's great! It can get to a bad place though. It isn't some all or nothing, zero sum game.

The argument “Oh if YZY’s behaviour is abusive then I was abused”, stated as if that makes YZY’s actions fine, actually... really freaks me out. Because... well, if you’re having that thought process you should really be thinking about it? Not just brushing it off like it’s nothing because “they just don’t understand the culture”? Maybe it is nothing! Maybe your childhood was perfectly fine and healthy! And I’m sure your parents genuinely did love you and wanted the best for you either way! But if there are people who are genuinely concerned that some aspect of a childhood that resembles yours is unhealthy (and for real reasons; some people come up with “worries” that are blatantly fueled by bigotry and that is not what we’re talking about here, we are talking about a woman whipping her husband’s ward over non-offences and telling her kids that they’re useless and their father hates them while offering them no real support) then maybe... consider their points, before deciding that they’re just wrong because that’s how you were raised? For the sake of your own kids, if you have/intend to have any, if nothing else. Wouldn’t you rather be sure that you’re not going to hurt them without meaning to by raising them the way you were? Like, that’s always the thing, it’s at least partly why the cycle of abuse is such a big problem. If you’re raised in a way that is abusive, even if no one involved knows it’s abusive or intends for it to be that way, there’s a good chance you’re not going to know that following that example is going to hurt the next generation! It’s like... anyone who says “Oh my parents hit me all the time and I turned out fine, nothing’s wrong with it” was messed up by that treatment because they think it’s okay to hit kids despite all the studies telling us that it Very Much Is Not.

And yeah, it’s not like the argument is “Pushing your kids and being hard on them is automatically abuse all the time”; the argument is “Whipping a child because you hated his mother and telling your kids their father hates them and they’ll never amount to anything is abuse for sure”. There is a line in the Chinese parenting style, same as any other. On one side of the line it’s good (if strict) parenting; on the other side it’s abuse. There is a wide gap between “You have to do better than this” (while giving the kid the resources they need to do better) and “You will never amount to anything and your father hates you”! Just like there’s a difference between disciplining someone by having them write lines and disciplining them by whipping them! I don’t want to say that Chinese parenting is inherently bad because it’s not, but no parenting style should be considered above any sort of judgement ever because that’s how kids get hurt even if their parents don’t mean to hurt them. Just... I think “This is the culture so no one is allowed to question it from outside the culture and no one within the culture could ever want to question it in their writing” is actually kind of dangerous, because the culture getting questioned is how it improves. I think it’s important to keep in mind that (for example) if we never questioned things that were part of the culture, women would still be essentially property; this might not be the same level as that, but the point still stands. Ask questions! Consider other viewpoints! You may come out with the same opinion you had going in, but the experience is still worth it!

[lizacstuff]

Edser / Sen Cal Kapimi ep 30+ asks

(Asks under the cut)

@jan31 Hi Liza, in the fragman Selin was in a white dress, was it a wedding dress?

Hello! I don’t think so. I think that’s what she was going to wear to the dinner she’d planned for the four of them (from the fragman, Eda, Serkan, Deniz and herself) but BOOM goes the MELO. Thank you Melo, lock that witch away so Serkan and Eda are not haunted by her evil presence, and can maybe spend some time together. 

Though, you know, I wouldn’t mind if it was a wedding dress. We know Serkan ain’t gonna marry her, so if they go so far as to put her in a dress, then we’re on the precipice of her humiliation and departure which can’t come too soon for me. 

jan31 Hi Liza. Please can you explain to me the fireside scene. It was so beautiful, emotional and just what we needed. Were the lights going out representing his sub conscious and the darkness he feels, reaching out for Eda instinctively without realising why. And the lights coming on was the reality that he did not remember anything. Or am I completely going in the wrong direction? Oh and the music gets me every time 😢😢

That scene fired on all cylinders!! I definitely think you’re on to something thinking the lights coming on represented the reality of him still not having any memories back. I think the whole scene was Serkan trying to reconcile this one flash of memory that has been playing in his mind like a movie. He was re-enacting what he saw in his mind, trying to figure out if it was a real memory and if the real memory was about Eda.   

I really liked that it was Serkan who asked if they can talk without arguing. Being the calm, rational one is his role in their relationship, how many times have we heard him say “sakin” so it was comforting to see him taking those reigns for a few moments. Also for him to realize that almost all their exchanges had been heightened and fraught with explosive emotions and wanting to talk to her without that. 

Both Eda and Serkan with their eyes filled, brimming with tears really got to me. Serkan not really understanding as his heart took over and tried to make sense of what his confused mind couldn’t. Eda’s complete heartbreak when he still didn’t remember anything. However, though, she might not know it, he certainly felt something.

He’s already so drawn to her and he can’t compute why that is... why he fell in love with her during the time he can’t remember, but he’s slowly starting to see how it could have happened. This was an important scene for bridging that gap between them. So freaking beautiful, one of the best acted scenes of the entire series, and the scene that made this episode worthwhile. 

Anonymous said: if that scene in front of the fireplace made me so emotional and it was just him trying to remember.. trying to recreate that one moment he was flashbacks of... i cant imagine what the actual scene of him remembering will do to me. both their acting in that scene was something else.

Hande and Kerem were both absolutely fantastic in that scene. Really stellar. Their chemistry never disappoints, but here they were both right in the moment, very raw, very real. I’m impressed with the emotional range they both showed, kudos to both. If nothing else this story is giving them a lot to chew on as actors.

Anonymous said:  memory loss doesn't bother me that much if we can have beautiful scenes like the fireplace one. but the main couple is separated again, dating/fake dating other people and they don't have scenes enough to fall in love again

Well they made huge strides in two episodes. From Serkan not willing to even contemplate remembering her, to him sitting down and asking her to tell him a memory of their relationship and saying he wants to know about her and their love. And them having an absolutely beautiful, emotional, heartbreaking moment together. 

Serkan made other leaps as well. He went from wanting Eda out of the business to admitting she had talent and freaking out that she was planning to take a vacation. He was already coming up with every excuse to keep her in town and working. They argued as they did in early days, he had moments that obviously hit him as familiar (”I hate you Serkan Bolat.” “The feeling is mutual, lady.”) plus lemons and crusts. 

Don’t you worry, he’s already falling in love with her again. 

However, I wouldn’t judge what they’re planning too much by this episode. It felt like a transition episode and was pretty unevenly paced. Perhaps the claims of rewrites on this chapter had some truth to them. Because the last 4 episodes were pretty well written, narratively solid, and well paced, and this one was not. It was boring and everything not directly related to a scene where Eda and Serkan were alone was lackluster. 

Also I feel like some things were changed and perhaps removed to make allowances for Hande’s injury. She had a strained neck and was in a brace for almost the entirety of the filming of this episode. For instance, I’m pretty sure they did fewer takes with her in several scenes. Specifically you can tell in the scene where Serkan picks her up and carries her back.

We go no full wide angle shot from the front of him carrying her to match with the scene in episode 5. I’m sure they wanted that, but I’m guessing they really had to limit the takes of him picking her up so they couldn’t do multiple camera set ups.  The still photographer on set was able to capture it from the front, it’s a shame they couldn’t get the full hero shot for the show, but poor thing was injured and these things happen when you shoot on such tight timelines. 

So some of the lack of Edser could have been scenes that were shortened, cut, and amended due to that injury. And others could have been changes in the script perhaps as they figure out if they’re getting another ep order from Fox. 

Anonymous said: idk what they’re doing with Ceren but I really need them to keep Deniz as a genuinely good friend. He’s perfect and I don’t want them to make him sketch. Not sure if you’ve seen OTH but that’s the only other show I’ve seen with a great male-female friendship. Other parts of the show are messy to me right now but I’ve been loving this.

I guess my opinion would be unpopular with you, but I am not as enamored with Deniz as others seem to be.  Dude was putting a LOT of pressure on Eda to move on and forget Serkan. Serkan has been back approximately 3 days! HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND HAS AMNESIA. Can the woman have a chance to catch her breath and assess the situation, before her “good friend” is pressuring her every which way to forget him??  And planning romantic getaways under the guise of friendship? That’s not being a friend, that’s being an opportunist, looking for his chance to slide in there. 

So, yeah, I’m not as impressed as most seem to be with Deniz. He made me uncomfortable with that. I hope it was not a harbinger of things to come. 

As for OTH, I haven't really watched, but its a fav or my bud @echoapothecary so she might be willing to discuss that show.

Anonymous said: Any chance they decide to throw Melo and Ferit together? I don't care about any of the other side romances going on but these two still have their rights in my book in regards to Edser and they seem like genuinely people?

Let’s do it, baby! I’m on board They both are genuinely good people, and I’m with you, I don’t care about any of the side romances at the moment. Piril and Engin put me to sleep this episode. 

Ferit certainly deserves better than psycho Selin, but he also deserves better than petulant Ceren. And while her behavior escalated to WTF levels this ep, she’s always leaned a little this way. I think it was episode 18 (because the girls were in the library before Serkan finds Eda there) that Ceren was furious at Ferit all episode and I honest to goodness had no clue why or what he did. 

Anonymous said: at first sçk was about women supporting women and we have one best friend turning against the other FOR A MAN. I'm so disappointed the writers are destroying characters one by one.

No this show has always been about the love story between Eda and Serkan, but it did have some nice female relationships as well. Can I tell you a secret? While I really like the girls dynamic, and hope they don’t destroy Ceren and Eda’s friendship, I really only care about 2 characters, and that’s Eda and Serkan.

So while I get your concern, and Ceren acted OUT OF HER DAMN MIND this episode, if she needs to be a casualty to keep things moving, so be it.  I mean I reserve the right to roll my eyes over it, but I’m not going to get too worked up about it. From the beginning Eda and Serkan were the only two characters that matter and they still are. 

Anonymous said: I'm kinda concerned that they're actually going to say the next episode takes place on Valentines Day because this would be the biggest timeline error yet. I know we've already been suspending belief here after they touched on New Years so quickly but umm, yeah....

I think you have to just give over to the timeline on this show and not do any math or calculations. We already had July to December take approximately 2 months in straight linear storytelling, LMAO.  

Also, if it is valentine’s day and that’s going to be their excuse to give us some actual romance, then I will take it, no complaints. To me that’s one of the easiest things not to be concerned about, because its never going to make sense. I’ll take the holiday themed episodes over strict adherence to the calendar any day. 

[tibby]

hi! lesbian questioning anon back with some more questions and needing advice. i got about 3 pages into the lesbian masterdoc before i started freaking out a little and i had to stop reading. i think i’m really scared about analyzing this part of myself because i’ve identified as bisexual for so long & ive never felt ... ashamed to express attraction to men (even though looking back and recalling those things, it felt hollow and fake; performative - even though i hardly had an audience). i don’t think being a lesbian is bad, but part of me is really really scared because 1.) what if i’m NOT a lesbian, i’m just going through an issue / phase / i’m traumatized from my last relationship and acting poorly about it ending? like, i don’t want to appropriate the label or invade a space like this as a (possible) non-lesbian!!! and stuff like 2.) if i’m a lesbian, why was i so free in talking about finding men hot? why was i so comfortable expressing how much i love Geralt (the witcher)??? why am i “”attracted”” do big strong - for lack of a better descriptor - alpha men?? and 3.) what if i come out, if it turns out i am a lesbian, and my lesbian friends think i’m faking it because i’ve talked about liking men before? i don’t know if i could cope with that rejection. anyways. i re-read your answer to my last ask several times. i do not think i could be happy with a man. but i thought everyone with IssuesTM (in my case i have ambiguous disorder lol - nah i just have lots of mental/development issues i don’t wanna list) just thought they were going to go through life bouncing from one toxic relationship to the next. my relationship with my ex wasn’t the healthiest, it was deeply co-dependent and i didn’t enjoy the sex at all. i thought maybe it was him (i guess this is still a possibility) or maybe that i’m asexual (it certainly felt like that, with how genuinely disinterested i’ve been with the concept of sex (adding: with men) all my life, so i have really no frame of reference) and i just kinda assume no one actually thinks they’re going to get a happy ever after. i think i would love to be with a woman, but i have no idea about the viability in that regard because i haven’t really had any long lasting bonds with other women. my best friends growing up were always boys, and i’ve always been intimidated by women, regardless of my attraction to them. i genuinely have no idea what a relationship with a woman would be like, but god i would like to have one! i feel like i would feel safer, more secure, more open with myself if there’s already a level of understanding between us. — anyways, thank you so much for enduring this with me so far. i cannot sufficiently express my gratitude for you allowing and accepting me vomiting anxieties all over your inbox. i appreciate all your thought-out responses and your empathy and kindness rn. it’s amazing and i wish i could repay you.

hello again! sorry for taking a few days to get back to you, i wanted to respond when i actually had time to sit down and type out a coherent reply.

to address your fears, working out your sexuality isn’t always an easy process and you’re not a bad person for wanting to try on different labels and see what works for you. you do not have to come up with an immediate answer now, and you’e allowed to switch between labels until you feel comfortable. if you identify as a lesbian for a little bit and then realise that you aren’t one, then that’s fine! it doesn’t mean you were invading lesbian spaces, it doesn’t mean you crossed any lines, it doesn’t mean you faked anything. and real friends would understand that and support you. if your lesbian friends think you’re lying about it or faking it, then they weren’t good friends to begin with. if that’s the case, i’m sorry, and it’ll hurt: but in the long run, you’d be better off without people who don’t support you.

and it’s not unusual for lesbians to find security and love - be it real or imagined - in men we think can protect us. that’s what we’re conditioned to what. and it can be hard to unlearn that. and as long as you’re secure in the knowledge that you don’t actually want to be with a man, i don’t think there’s anything wrong with expressing your attraction to one. as i’ve said before, i’m absolutely a lesbian and i know this about myself, but if shane madej asked...then yeah, i’d probably go for it. ultimately, it comes down to what you need and want.

what i’m about to say might be considered controversial to some, but i’ve never seen the issue with someone who’s had traumatic/unhealthy relationships with men in the past only wanting to date women from that point on, and therefore call themselves a lesbian. your relationships with men are in the past, and you shouldn’t feel forced to have them define your future. and sex is supposed to feel good, you’re meant to enjoy it. if you’re not enjoying the sex you have with a man, then that’s your body telling you something. maybe it’s lesbianism, maybe it’s asexuality, maybe it’s a mix of the two - but the issue, for now, seems to lie with men. i wouldn’t suggest rushing into having sex with women to see how that feels and give yourself a solid answer, but take some time to reflect on how you’d feel if you were to be sexual again, but with a woman this time. does it still put you off? can you happily picture everything (making out, cuddling) except the sex? do you think it would be more comfortable than your previous sexual experiences? give yourself as much time as you need to process everything. your safety and comfort are absolutely the priority, not finding a label to stick to.

if you think you’d enjoy dating a woman, that you’d be happy to be with one and feel safe and comfortable, then that’s a good place to start. i think there’s this weird idea in online lesbian/bi circles that once you figure out your sexuality, you immediately have to get out there and enter into a gay relationship, like you have something to prove. and i take a lot of issue with that, because i think a lot of times, it ends badly for both people. just sit with yourself for awhile, start building relationships with people around you, and a romance will come naturally. romances are never going to be strong if you force them, regardless of your sexuality, and it’s something you should only go into once you’re sure and ready. which all may seem like obvious things, but i’ve seen enough gays have horrible relationships to know that it isn’t. your sexuality should be about you, not about your love life.

i’m glad i’ve been able to help you somewhat so far, and i hope this response brings you further comfort and peace of mind. it means a lot to me that you feel like you can ask me about this stuff, and i do want the best for you. as always, feel free to come back if you need anything else. sending you love!

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 9/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Sorry for taking so long to upload! I've had a hard week but everything is fine. Here we are - the end! Wanna know something interesting? There was actually going to be more to this story. Like, we were gonna get more flashbacks from when Brie and Juju went to college. There they would meet Tatianna, who was a badass feminist. And she'd be the one to help Brianna with her glow up. But the story was already going on too long and I couldn't fit any of it in.

Also I was going to go down a completely different route for the story. If any of you have actually seen the music video for Gimme Love by Joji, it ends on a more darker tone. And that's how I was gonna do it with this fic as it was based on it. But I just couldn't do it.

So I hoped you guys enjoyed it. I know I didn't get a lot of reads on it, but I'm glad knowing it was recieved by some. Anyway, on with chapter 9!

Major TW's for this chapter: Alcohol, mental health discussion.

2020

It was the day of the pre-party. It was going to be held at my place. I was prepared for possible drunkenness, embarrassing moments, but celebrations of everything we had accomplished. This was something I had worked my ass towards for so long, and it was finally happening.

I smiled, proud that I had finally punched myself in the face (figuratively, of course). I opened my eyes and saw how easy it was to rekindle with Mom. I was scared about seeing her in a few weeks, knowing we'd have to talk about my issues. But I knew now. If I didn't, I would just continue to get worse and worse.

On top of that, the Ed Sheeran problem was over and done with. His team understood fully, and he was set to perform at the launch.

And finally, I would meet Blair again. And it would be different this time. I wouldn't be the shy, insecure teenager she had always seen me as.

However, despite all these promising signs, my smile dropped. I imagined this morning playing out entirely differently.

Jujubee would be the first person to message me. Fuck, she'd probably even break in just to make sure I was up.

None of that happened. I know one should manage their expectations better. But it still hurt.

After two cups of coffee, some soggy cereal and a shower, I tried calling her. It rang a few times but went straight to voicemail mail.

I didn't bother leaving another message. I didn't wanna freak her out.

I probably wasn't helping my case. She probably thought I was relying on her, that she was life support for me.

But that wasn't the case. I mean, I couldn't just stand up and be like, "OK later, bitch," after practically growing up together. How could I just let go of someone I held so dear to my heart?

My eyes travelled across the kitchen, at first only her disappointment during our argument, how I had never seen her so angry.

On the counter, beside the fridge, there was my memory box.

What would Grandpa say in this situation?

Remember how I would write things he'd say to me? Just little bits and pieces of advice as something I could hold on to? I gave it to Mom to put it away for me. It had to be in the box.

I stood up, the stool making a scraping sound along the ground.

But a knock at the door tore my attention away.

Why did I hope it would be her?

Well, because it wasn't out of the ordinary for her to come and visit in the morning. Maybe this was it. I was forgiven.

I rushed to the door with the slight fear that if I wasn't fast enough, I'd miss her.

I unlocked the door and flung it open, a smile on my face, ready to greet her.

5 people were standing there; the decorators. I tried not to let my smile falter as I let them in.

-_-_-_-

8PM and my place had never looked livelier. For my first time hosting a party, it didn't feel like there was much hosting to do.

It felt like any other party I had been to, a room crowded with people dancing or talking to each other.

The music wasn't too loud, so the disorientation wasn't there.

I held back from drinking with the fear of doing something embarrassing, especially around Blair.

My bathroom was still clean when I went to apply a fresh coat of gloss. Good. Nothing to worry about.

I made my way back downstairs to the party, crossing the barrier at the bottom. The only place off-limits to the guests was upstairs. I'd hate to think there would be some people who'd want private time, especially in my bed. It happened at college once.

After a small party in our dorm, I found a couple midst coitus in my bed. Never again, I had said.

"Brianna!"

My head whipped in the direction of the voice, every bit of hope I had inside building up.

"You look stunning." A raven-haired woman approached.

"Thank you," I said in more of a questionable form. My brain couldn't figure out who this was.

"My name is Raja. I'm a writer for Cosmo," that explained it, "I was wondering if I could ask a few questions for a piece I'm doing. It's on the most influential women of the year."

I wanted to say no in the case I missed the arrival of Blair.

As if she read my thoughts, she spoke again. "It won't even be five minutes."

She was right about that. 15 minutes it lasted. We were locked in my bathroom, the four walls making the place feel cramped.

She asked me questions about how I reached this level, my morning routine, and what I put in my hair to make it so voluptuous. And all the while, I just kept fearing that Blair had arrived. That she had searched around for me and left when she couldn't find me anywhere. I would discreetly glance at my watch, hoping too much time didn't pass. But around 5 minutes in, I didn't care for subtlety. Not that Raja noticed. The questions seemed endless.

When she turned her recorder off, she further complimented my outfit. I thanked her, inching my way to the door. This lasted another 3 minutes.

She said I was a tiny woman with a lot of heart. I held back from saying I was a tiny woman with a lot of baggage.

When I finally escaped, I searched the place for Blair, and when I didn't find her, the panic started.

"Did anyone come in in the last 15 minutes??" I asked the workers hanging by the door.

"Yeah, there were 2 people. And I've never seen them around work. Could be anyone, Brie." They said with worry in their tone.

"OK, was one of them a girl? Blonde hair. Around my age?" I questioned further.

They glanced at each other for clarification, then looked back at me and shook their heads.

"Nope. Just two guys." One said.

"Probably on a pussy hunt at their local party." The other said.

"Or dick hunt."

"Or both."

"Nah, how would they even get in?"

Realising this was not Blair they were talking about, I thanked them and excused myself.

So she wasn't here yet. That's fine. Probably just running late.

I gave in and had one glass of champagne. Just to calm my nerves.

And the last person I wanted to see started to approach.

Ed fucking Sheeran. He raised a glass to celebrate and thanked me for the hotel room we paid for. I said it was no problem. And just as he was about to suggest some pictures for his Instagram, I quickly navigated away.

But I was caught by another person who just so happened to be Joey.

"I am so glad you changed your mind about the whole Ed thing. Like...girl…" he sipped his own drink.

"Yeah, it was easier than I thought." I shrugged. "Kinda feel awkward being in his presence now, though."

"I'll distract him if you want. British guys are kinda cute." Joey smirked.

I tsked, cocking my head at him. "Joey, you didn't like the guy a few weeks ago."

"I never said I didn't like him." He smirked.

"I mean, you can try." I rolled my eyes, a small smile appearing on my own face, "don't expect it to go anywhere."

Joey winked and brushed past me, making his way in Ed's direction.

Setting my glass down in my sink, I made my way to the bathroom just to check my lip gloss. A woman couldn't be too careful.

Once inside, I felt cramped again despite being alone. Maybe it was the underlying feeling of worry from being trapped in the room with Raja.

I told myself to breathe but then questioned why I was even doing such an exercise. Everything was fine. Life was good.

Looking in the mirror, my gloss was fine. But I applied a new coat anyway, just a reassurance.

And upon leaving, I set out in search of Blair again. She had to be here, just somewhere lost amongst this large amount of people.

Maybe she found someone else to talk to. Maybe not.

I moved to the balcony, the cool night air a relief.

But she wasn't there either.

I sighed, wanting a cigarette or something. Anything to calm the rising panic I was feeling inside.

I closed the door and moved further into the night, peering over the balcony and out into New York. The twinkling lights were pretty. I took a picture and sent it to my Mom. And in a few seconds, she started calling me.

"Hey, Mom."

"Hi, baby. I just thought I'd see how things are going." She asks, sounding pretty optimistic.

"I mean... it's OK, I guess. A bit crowded at my place right now." I replied.

"You nervous for tomorrow?" I hear the mischief in her voice.

She believed I'm not nervous, that I was a confident, strong woman. But she was wrong. "Of course I am. I mean, we've gone through all the precautions, so it should be fine. But still…"

"Well, baby, I promise you, everything will work out fine. It's you we're talking about."

I smiled, trying to teach my brain to agree with her.

"I would say I'd have a drink for you, but I'm trying to keep away from it tonight." Even though that was a lie.

"Yeah, you don't wanna go do something embarrassing like flashing anyone or whatever." She laughs.

"Wow. I didn't realise that was something I did." I quipped sarcastically.

"How about Jujubee?" I could still hear her smile.

But mine slowly dropped. Fuck, I had no idea. Immediately I stood back from the balcony. "Ugh...yeah, she's fine. She's good."

I moved to the door and looked past the glass at the large number of people. Fuck, I didn't even know if she was inside.

"Am I gonna get to see a picture of your outfits? You two always look like the stars of a party."

"Yeah," I faked a small laugh. "I'll go find her and get a picture. I'm gonna get back inside, OK?"

"No problem, baby. Love you."

"I love you too." I clicked end call and quickly made my way back inside.

How the fuck had I forgotten about her so quickly? Not like she was in my mind that morning or anything.

Now I had to find 2 people. I rushed inside, looking out for both of them. I checked the kitchen, dining area, lounge, the bathroom. Fuck, I even checked upstairs in the case Jujubee was there.

But there was no sign.

Where the fuck was she? Where was Blair?

It was getting harder to hold down the anxiety. Was Jujubee right about Blair? Was this another instance of my childhood crush getting my hopes up and flaking out?

The next drink tray I saw, my hand went straight for another glass. Two wouldn't hurt.

"Hey, you made it!" I heard from the front of the room, by the door.

I quickly downed the champagne and practically ran for it, too afraid to miss who had arrived.

Just as my hopes were quickly up, they fell just as fast. It was just Alex, Joey hugging him at the door.

"Fuck...Fuck...Fuck…" I whispered to myself.

A third glass of champagne found its way into my hand, and in a matter of seconds, it was down the hatch. I grimaced at the taste now, feeling like I could throw up at any second. Was that all just the anxiety, though?

Another bathroom break, I was fixing my gloss once again, scared to ruin my makeup. My hands were trembling. Fuck.

It wasn't stopping.

Back out in the main room, I tried to scan the crowd, standing on my tiptoes to try and see past everyone. It didn't help much.

Despite the music and rambling chatter happening around me, I heard the front door open, my eyes shot in its direction.

I struggled to move past a small group of coworkers, trying to get a good view of the door.

I didn't even get my hopes up this time. And, of course, it wasn't Blair.

Jujubee was right. Blair wasn't coming. Once again, she had led me on to believe I did mean something to her and that she'd give us a chance.

My hand gripped my scalp, turning away from the door. I growled, "Fuck," which didn't go unnoticed.

There was Nina with a hand on my arm. "Are you OK?"

"Yes." I lied so quickly. "I'm fine. Just... it's a little crowded in here," I fidgeted with my hands, "Is Jujubee here?"

"Yeah, you haven't seen her?" Nina raised a brow, rubbing her hand up and down my bicep.

"No." My eyes looked around briefly. "Where is she??"

"I dunno. She's you're best friend." Nina squinted her eyes. She didn't mean to sound accusatory. I guessed she was more concerned.

"She is." I reaffirmed, even though now I wasn't so sure.

"If it helps, the last place I saw her was the kitchen."

"When?"

"Half an hour ago."

I rolled my eyes and groaned. "She could be anywhere."

"Girl, it's fine. Not like we're in a labyrinth. You'll find her eventually." Nina smiled, rubbing my arm again.

I paid her no more heed and hurried towards the kitchen in the hope I'd find her there. But like the rest of my apartment, it was crowded. I stood on my toes again to try and catch a glimpse of black hair.

But there was no sign. Stressed, a shaking hand reached for another champagne. Usually, my tolerance for alcohol was high, but right now, I was feeling it. I was wavy.

In my now weary state of mind, I decided what was the fucking point? Blair had 100% flaked, as per usual, and Jujubee was obviously avoiding me at all costs.

Nina had followed me, taking my hand. "Follow me."

I didn't fight it. She moved to the staircase, pulled back the barrier and let me pass through.

She ushered me to walk up to the top before moving no further.

Turning towards the crowd beneath us, Nina addressed the people with a raised tone. "Can we have your attention, please?"

The people went quiet, beaming up at us.

Nina talked about how much of a good night it was, all while the alcohol was taking me over.

My eyes scanned the crowd, in the final chance of hope, wanting nothing more than to see Jujubee's glowing smile shining up at me.

But I couldn't. Not because I had double vision. But because she was nowhere.

I squeezed my eyes shut, breathing hard out through my nose.

Nina put her hand on my shoulder. And only then did I realise that I had blacked out, missing everything she said. I blinked a few times, trying to clear the film that had glazed my brown eyes.

"But we all wouldn't be here without our leading lady." She smiled warmly. "Everything she's achieved, it's all brought us to this moment. Let's raise a glass to Miss Brianna Caldwell."

Everyone started cheering, only a few raising a toast, the others clapping. My eyes widened, feeling all those eyes on me.

"Hope you have a speech prepared," Nina whispered in my ear.

And me, being the queen of saying just 3 lines and quickly evacuating the scene, decided no. Fuck it. I had something to say.

When the crowd began to settle down, I began to deliver the messiest speech ever.

"Well, funny you should mention achievements, Nina, because, yeah, I'm standing here before you all, having done the impossible. But what does that matter?" I laughed, shrugging. "Yeah, it does matter a whole fucking deal. I mean, look at you all. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't?" I laughed awkwardly again, but as I continued, my smile began to disappear. "Well, sometimes you just want a certain someone to give a shit. And they make you believe that they do. Just for like 5 minutes. And it feels so so fucking incredible. It feels like...like you matter. You're not just plain old Brianna Caldwell. You mean the world to them…" My tone dropped, "And then...you realise you're the most gullible, unaware, stupid fucking idiot in the world. They don't really give a fuck about you. They don't see all the things that you've achieved in life and think…' Wow...What an incredible person.' They just... don't give a fuck about you."

Everybody looked confused, uneasy even, while others giggled. Glad to know I was serving as the entertainment for the night, and I was in the same room as Ed fucking Sheeran.

Then, as if some higher power looked at me with a shaking head, maybe my grandpa, there was a glimmer of light at the back of the room, a flash of movement. And my eyes were drawn to the source.

My heart stopped

There she was. Finally. Blair St. Clair smiling apologetically at the few people who were looking at her. They smiled back as they should. She was breathtaking.

And her eyes moved to where everyone else was looking.

Right at me.

Such a familiar feeling was falling over me.

Everyone else in the room. Gone. Like they just stepped into another world, leaving the two of us in this reality.

She panted, out a breath, like she had run to my place. Impossible, she looked like an absolute angel in her gold wrap dress.

Nina nudged me. I snapped out of my daze, reminded of the whole crowd of people looking up at me with confused stares.

Fuck...what do I say now? How do I backtrack?

"But...you know what?" I started to speak again. "You realise, you're just overthinking again. 'Cause, that's a very on-brand thing for you. Every little incident of the past has taught you to doubt that good things actually can happen to you." My smile was returning. "Because the people who give a shit are there. Because you've done the impossible. And they couldn't be happier to be part of your story." My eyes were moving through the crowd, "Do what makes the ones around you proud, and what makes you fucking proud. And don't let anyone or anything hold you the fuck back. Because you have a purpose."

Thank fuck for the fact everyone started cheering again. I thought I had fucking bombed that I would see a recording of the same speech the following day all over Twitter, along with comments about how dramatic it was.

But it was fine. I saved it. I smiled at everyone and hugged Nina, suddenly overcome with happiness.

"Fuck you for not telling me you were gonna drag me up here," I whispered in her ear.

"Well, if I had asked you in the first place, you would have said no, honey." Nina grinned.

We pulled apart, and my eyes went back to the front door. I smiled, expecting to see Blair. But she had vanished. Fuck, I hadn't imagined her, right?

I tried to carefully make my way down the stairs without tripping, ready to look for her once again.

And upon reaching the bottom, Joey grabbed my hand and pulled me close, "someone on the balcony requires your attention."

He winked, and the butterflies in my belly went mad.

She was playing games with me. Not a very Blair St Clair thing to do, but the thought excited me.

I hurried to the balcony, ready to feel that cool air on my skin, her warm body pressed against mine.

And just as I was passing through the doors, feeling the cooling breeze, I stopped dead in my tracks.

I froze.

This wasn't what I expected; seeing her standing there, only noticing how radiant she looked in her orange suit dress.

Fuck. It felt so long since I had last seen her.

But it had been only a few days.

"Hi, Juju," I spoke quietly.

"Hey," she inhaled her cigarette, looking out to the city. If she hadn't replied to me, I would have guessed she failed to realise I was even there.

I swallowed, my eyes glancing down to the ground for a moment. The alcohol in my system was telling me to just turn and leave her alone. She didn't wanna see me.

But my brain said, "you idiot, she obviously invited you out here."

So I moved forward, rubbing the backs of my arms nervously.

I stood beside her, not even daring to look her in the eye. I looked at her orange suit, how Mom would have adored it.

"You invited me out here." I leaned my elbows on the ledge, my gaze following hers over the twinkling lights of New York.

"Yeah, I did." She did offer me a cigarette, but still, she never looked at me.

I shook my head, declining her offer, "Why didn't you just come and ask me yourself?"

"I was dying for a cigarette." She breathed out a stream of smoke. "Also, I've already spent most of the night trying to find you."

I couldn't help but breathe out a laugh through my nose. I glanced at her and was glad to see the smirk appear on those lips.

"I've been trying to fucking find you." I continued to laugh, a crack to my tone, however.

She finally looked at me, turning her body to face me. Her brows were knit together, yet the smirk remained. "No. I," she stressed, "have been trying to find you."

"So...what have I been doing for the past...I dunno, few hours?" I raised a brow. "Did I take 10 hits of acid earlier, or did I not search this place from top to bottom?"

She gave me a hopeless smile like she knew there was no point in arguing. She sucked on the cigarette, offering it to me.

I gave in, taking it from her hand, my fingers touching hers with a light touch. Her eyes moved to our hands as if she was thinking about it too. The feeling like this was a moment we needed to remember.

I took a drag on the cigarette, passing it back. She looked away, briefly turning her gaze to the ground.

But I kept my eyes on her like I'd never get another chance. "I really miss you, Juju," I spoke quietly, almost through a whisper.

She looked at me again. Her mouth moved around slightly yet remained closed like she wanted to say something. But she couldn't figure out what it was she was going to say.

I reached out, took her hand in mine. She seemed taken aback at first. But as my thumb stroked against the soft skin of her hand, a small smile began to resurface.

"There are…" she paused, "things that I would love to say to you. But I just... I'm afraid."

"Is it bad? Come on, Juju. You can tell me. You can tell me anything. I mean, we've grown up together. We've always told each other everything."

She looked apprehensive before taking another drag from her cigarette. And stubbing it out in the ashtray, she turned towards me once again.

She looked ready to say it. Whatever it was. I didn't even know the words yet. But I could tell this would mean a lot to her.

The muffled sound of the many people behind the closed glass doors became clearer, amplified even. Jujubee looked in its direction. My eyes followed.

"Blair," I uttered.

She looked slightly taken aback like she didn't know how to react to seeing us.

Jujubee dropped her hand to her side, a small puff of air leaving her nostrils.

"Jujubee." A smile appeared on Blair's face as she finally approached us both. "I didn't expect to see you here!"

"Likewise." Jujubee nodded slowly. She glanced at me, and I reciprocated.

Before I could figure out her exact emotion. But now, she was hard to read once again. My brows knit together, telepathically questioning what she was feeling.

Jujubee looked back at Blair. "Talk about awful timing though, I was just leaving." Jujubee smiled back at her.

Blair's smile was disappearing. "Oh." She paused, unable to say anything else.

"You don't have to go, Jujubee." I took her hand once again, stroking my thumb over her skin another time, just to remind her of the tender moment we were just having.

She smiled again, but only now, I knew the true words behind it. She pulled her hand away. "Early rise, actually. Gotta get up and ready for the big day tomorrow, right?" She raised her brows at me. Then she looked at Blair, "It was nice seeing you," and then back to me once more, "I hope you have a good night, Brie."

She averted her eyes, not even sparing me another glance. The clacking of her heels was deafening, each step away causing something inside to sting.

"It was nice seeing you again," Blair said before Jujubee could make it through the doors.

I heard a mumbled "yeah, yeah," before Jujubee went back inside.

My gaze still followed her, watching as she navigated the crowd.

"Did she...seem off to you?" Blair asked quietly.

"Yeah," I said without thinking. "I just...I don't know what's wrong with her...I can't...work it out…" my eyes never left the door, hoping Jujubee would reappear.

And feeling Blair's soft hand in mine, I was brought back to reality. I looked at her, seeing the concern in her eyes. Fuck, what a great way to reunite.

"Is something going on?" She asked softly.

I shook my head frantically, "N-No. We're fine...I guess I'm just overreacting. Yeah, she's just been...really busy with everything."

"That's probably true." She shrugged, glancing at the door, "Well, actually, I haven't seen what goes behind the public eye, but I bet it's taxing." Blair was facing me again, her eyes widening briefly.

I let out a small laugh, "Oh, you have no idea." And only then did I get a real chance to take her in. The girl had not changed. Well, call me corny, but she only got more radiant looking.

"I didn't think you'd come," I spoke with a hushed tone.

"Sorry, I was late. I couldn't get a cab for ages." She gave a half-smile. "I guess New York really is that kind of place."

"Fuck, I didn't think about traffic. I could have got you a driver or something. "I started rambling.

"No, it's OK. I'm here now anyway." Her eyes looked me up and down, "you look great, by the way. Pink always was your colour."

Funny how the last time she gave me a compliment, I shut her down. But now, I couldn't bring myself to do so. "Thank you."

I wasn't expecting her to hug me, but she did. It was very welcoming. If I could rate it out of 10, I'd give it a 9. Why the missing point? Cause she pulled away too soon. I needed that time, just to soak up the moment.

My arm was still around her waist when she put a hand to my face.

"It's so good to see you." She beamed, the city lights reflected in her eyes.

"You wanna go upstairs? We'll hear better up there. And it's kinda chilly out here." I hoped she didn't find that creepy or like I was suggesting something because that was not my intention, believe it or not.

I almost jumped, the sound of her sweet voice dragging me out of the storm that was my inner ramblings. "What about your party?" She looked over her shoulder at all the guests behind the closed doors."

"They'll be fine," I said too quickly.

"Oh. Well, if you say so."

She didn't find that weird. Good. I finally pulled my arm from her body but took her hand instead, leading her into the apartment.

I ignored the side glances we received, too focused on her presence behind me. Still so in disbelief that for once, she hadn't flaked out. She really did give a fuck. Walking up the stairs, I only noticed how my vision had cleared. I no longer felt drunk. Had it just been a quick rush of nausea that left me feeling so weary before? Or had the shock of seeing Blair literally walk into my life again shocked me so much to the point it sobered me up?

"Here we go," I said quietly, welcoming her into the upper level.

"Wow, you got another living room up here." Blair's wandering eyes landed on the couch.

"Yeah. The one downstairs is for fucking business and parties. And this one," I gestured to where she was looking, "is for hanging out mostly, and…" Why did I have to be so nervous?

"Hookups?" She looked at me with raised brows and a smirk.

I laughed nervously, moving to the fake fireplace and turning it on. Why didn't I just say no? She probably thought I was a slut or something. "Sit down if you want. Do you want a drink? I'd love a fucking drink right now."

"Nah, I'm good. Thanks, though." She replied, sitting down on the sofa and relishing the feeling of it.

"I need some fucking water." I rushed to the mini-fridge and pulled out a bottle.

Turning back to face Blair, she was looking at me in confusion. "You OK?"

"What?" That was all I thought to reply with.

"You seem kind of…" she paused, trying to figure out her words, "on edge."

"I do?" My hands played with the water bottle.

"Yeah, you've included the word 'fucking' in every sentence since we got up here." She allowed herself to smirk.

Subliminal, Blair. I like it.

Fuck, I dragged my mind out of the gutter and practically rushed to the couch. "Oh, it's just...tomorrow. The nerves, you know." I sat on the other end of the sofa, took a gulp of water and made myself comfortable.

Blair turned to face her body towards me. "Am I wrong, or was Ed Sheeran downstairs??"

"Yeah, he was. It's kind of a long story, actually." I laughed. "You a fan?"

"No, not really," Blair replied.

"Good, me neither. Not really into the whole wedding dance song vibe."

"Me too." She groaned, "If I hear Thinking out loud at another wedding, girl, I'm just...I dunno."

"I get it. 100%"

"Well, enough about him," Blair sat up straight, a bright smile on her face. She laughed for a moment before even speaking, "Fuck, I was just about to ask what you've been up to." She gestured a hand around the room, "I mean, duh."

"Yeah," I returned the laugh, "It's pretty much just that. This project has taken up most of my life over the years."

"God, I remember reading in the paper...fuck, I can't remember the exact title. It was this tiny article just squashed into a corner. 'Scientist seeks to prove the existence of other realities.' Yeah, it was something like that. And…" She shrugged, "I just knew it was you. And, I knew you'd go far."

I felt the blush creep onto my skin. Hearing this from Blair felt otherworldly.

"I mean, I knew before. When you told me at Prom, I knew you'd be able to do it." She added.

"How did you know?" I asked.

"Just hearing how you talked about it. Like, you really believed in yourself. It made me believe too." She swapped around the legs she crossed.

"It was hard. Trying to get people on board with everything. Not a lot of people believed it was even possible in the beginning." I unscrewed the cap from the bottle of water. "And now look at me; I got the government behind this whole thing." I shrugged and took a sip of the water. Before she could go on, I took the conversation on another route. "But what about you? Where are you in life?"

I knew where she was in life. Hadn't I Facebook stalked her not too long before?

"Well, it sounds far fetched, but I'm trying to get into the music scene." Blair sat back in her seat, eyes wandering off, looking at nothing in particular.

"You always did like performing," I noted. "Starting out in the school playgrounds. Soon you'll be playing an Arena with a sold-out show."

Did I sound cheesy? Was I too much of a kiss ass? Because to me, this was honesty. I always thought Blair had the potential to be a famous singer. She had the voice, the looks, style and personality. Who wouldn't want her as part of their label?

Fuck, it only hit me that I could have gotten her a spot to perform at the event.

Blair had stood, a small sigh emitting her lips. "An Arena? Imagine that." She smirked for a moment, stepping away from the couch. For a hot second, I thought I had stepped on territory I shouldn't have, and she was leaving. But she made her way to the window, staring out over New York. So I naturally went too. "Well, I've just been singing around bars for a while now, even had 2 gigs. Nothing too amazing." She explained. "I mean, I know you say Arena and all, but, actually, I wouldn't wanna be that big. I just...want people to hear my music."

Her smile faltered somewhat, and it spoke volumes. It wasn't happening fast enough for her, the growing number of ears that would someday listen to her words. She wanted it all now.

I sidestepped a bit closer. My fingers were so close to brushing against hers, then stopping myself in realising that was too much. "It does take time, these things. I mean, I didn't get here overnight. It will happen, Blair." She flashed me a gracious smile, and I was glad she didn't find any of that condescending. That was not my aim. "Anyway, I'd love to hear your music."

"You would?" Blair cocked her head to the side, turning more to face me, her hand on the window cill closer to mine.

"Of course," I reply. She should've known that anyway.

"Well, I'm not gonna break out into song for you right now. But I have a few videos on my Facebook. You should add me." She suggested.

I had never opened Facebook so fast. "There. I sent you a request." I scrolled through her timeline, my back now to the window, "Lemme see."

"Oh, God. Please don't. Not right now." Blair panicked.

I lifted my gaze, my eyes almost wide. Blair St Clair, the girl who wasn't hesitant to approach a mic, was embarrassed. I found this to be adorable and oddly made me feel more relaxed. "Don't be shy, Blair. I'm sure they're great."

"Brianna, don't." No joke, Blair attempted to snatch my phone away like a child.

I found it highly amusing. "Why not?" I smiled mischievously.

Blair continued her protests, trying to swipe at the phone more and more, all while laughing nervously.

Eventually, my teasing led to a chase. I still scrolled her Facebook as I ran around the room, Blair behind me.

"Which one should I look out for?" I stood at one end of the couch.

Blair stood at the other end, letting out a pant. "Brianna, you better not."

I stepped to the right, throwing her off, and she ran to her left, ready to run straight at me and take the phone out of my hand.

But I tricked her. When I took that step to the right, I pulled back and moved to the left instead. And without thinking, I threw myself down on my bed.

Before I could even get up, Blair was already there, too, crawling towards me. She reached for my phone, still pleading with me to stop.

And finally, giving the current circumstances, I gave in. "OK, OK. You win. I won't play your music in front of you." I giggled mischievously, shuffling so my back was against my headboard. "You're gonna have to remind me to check it out, though."

Blair remained at the bottom of my bed, kicking her heels off and folding them like a pretzel. It was as if we were teenagers again, catching up on all the hanging out we never got to do. She fluffed out her hair, "God, Brie, I came here to have a good time. Not to work out. Why are you still looking at your phone?"

Now that I was on her profile, scrolling back to the top, I saw a familiar picture. "Wow, this George guy's kind of cute."

Blair smiled warmly, her eyes looking upwards. And I had the slightest sinking feeling she was about to tell me this was her fucking lover or husband.

"Ah...George. What a guy." Blair blinked. "He does music too. If you like my stuff, then you'll like his too. He's got this song Gimme Love. It's my favourite."

"Is he your boyfriend?" There was no hesitation in asking.

Her brows briefly crossed. "What? No. He's one of my closest friends. Really helping me find places to perform. He's just...really cool."

I mouthed a silent 'Oh' before going on and cocking my head to the side, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Was it normal to ask shit like this? Maybe it was. But considering I had confessed to her I liked her very much in that accidental message, perhaps I shouldn't have said it at all. Didn't want her getting sus.

I got the feeling she knew I was trying to find a way in as she raised a brow at me, the corners of her mouth turning upwards. "Nah, Brie. I'm done with boys."

I lowered my phone. That could have meant anything;

She was strictly into girls;

She had just gotten out of a bad relationship with someone, and she was going through that typical 'men are trash' phase;

She used the term 'boys' when referring to immature fuck boys who still thrived in toilet paper bombing people's houses and still fought with feminists online. She was now looking for 'a real man' who would love and respect her.

She wasn't speaking, just lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Before the silence could go on and get awkward, I shifted in my own spot. "Do you wanna elaborate on that?"

"Oh. Yeah, if you want to hear it." She said like she didn't want to, and before I could stop her, she went on, "Well, the last was Conrad. He cheated on me. Before him, there was Ethan. I found out he'd talk shit about me to all his meathead buddies, said that my ass wasn't big enough. Then Bryce with his superior attitude. And…" she sighed, "Fucking Trevor."

Just hearing his name did something to me. I could feel how my shoulders had tensed, how the breath got stuck in my throat for a moment. But my ability to talk was unaffected because I spoke up, "I remember you saying he was controlling." I moved away from my headboard, shuffling closer to her, so close she could have put her head in my lap if she wanted.

Blair nodded, "he was," she breathed out a sigh, "I can't believe I'm even admitting this, but after high school, I started seeing him again. He promised me he would change, that things would be different. And I always feel like such an idiot for believing him."

That was upsetting. My hand squeezed in a fist. "So, what was the final straw? The thing that made you end things for the last time?"

Blair took in a deep breath, rolling over onto her front and propping her head upon her hands. She looked up at me with sad eyes. "He was just the same, Brie. Always controlling me, telling me how to act, who I could and couldn't hang out with. He was like that from the beginning to the end. I mean, you remember how he reacted about that one sex-ed class? And that time, he yelled at me in front of everyone for not sitting with him at lunch one day?"

I had no idea about the last thing. And I wasn't even surprised. Trevor was that type of guy, and you just knew it within the first few minutes of meeting him.

I was curious to know, but I kind of already had a feeling. Yet, I needed clarification. "Is that why you never came back to the library? Because he knew people would talk if you were seen with the school loser?" She leaned up now, but I continued. "Is it why you never came to speak to me about the prom?"

Blair was just watching me in silence. But I could see it, the realisation in her face.

"Fuck." She sat up and moved closer to me. "Oh my gosh, Brianna. I am so sorry. I had...no idea it would hurt you." We were both face to face, and she put her hands on mine, her eyes apologetic. She cussed, briefly looking away. "Fuck, I knew you hated me. The years of silence, of course, you did."

"Wait, no. Stop. I'm sorry. I don't wanna make you feel like a bad person. That's not what I wanted to do." I said profusely, my hands tightening just slightly.

"No, no. I'm sorry. You have every right to be upset." She spoke quietly, her blue eyes pleading with me. "Just be honest with me. I owe you that. You deserve to be heard."

"Really, Blair, it's fine. It's - -"

"Brianna. You're upset. You're not really good at hiding it, no offence." She smirked at the last comment. But the smile disappeared, and she waited for my response.

I stared back at her, my gaze shifting between both those eyes. My mind debated what to do, refuse to say a thing and let it all continue to build up. Or vent years of pent up emotions that needed to be said.

I looked away, deciding the latter decision was probably the best. I really didn't want to, what with the risk of upsetting her.

But maybe she wouldn't.

But maybe she would.

But maybe…

Her hand left mine and swept a strand of hair away from my face. I didn't even know it was there. "You're really hurt, Brie," she spoke softly.

I looked back to her finally, her hand lowering back down. And I finally found my voice. "OK." I shifted in my spot, highly uncomfortable. Come on, Brie. Just tell her.

"Do you remember the prom? When you asked me how we never talked more?" Just say it. "Because I always felt inadequate. Like I wasn't enough for you. And, not just you, even my…" I paused, feeling the lump form in my throat, "...my parents. Ummm…" saying that out loud to her, it hit differently. My voice was cracking. "I always associated you with my parents. I don't know where the connection came from, and I know now that that's fucked up, and I know I probably should go to a therapist about that, but..." I quickly explained. "But yeah, I just...never felt enough. Like 'why would Blair the cheerleader want to associate with someone like me? How could Blair ever love someone like me??'"

Fuck, it just slipped out. I studied her face for a reaction, expecting her to back away.

But she didn't. She just nodded in understanding, squeezing my hand reassuringly.

"But, um...I know now. It wasn't that you didn't care. It was just...fucking Trevor." I practically growled that name.

Blair breathed out a laugh, rolling her eyes. "Fucking Trevor."

"Yeah, fuck that asshole," I allowed myself to smile before continuing on. "I just... didn't understand how hard that actually was for you."

"It was very hard. God, it bothered me so much because I really did have a soft spot for you, Brianna. I really did, ever since we were kids." Blair smiled warmly. "And that's why I'm so glad you replied to my message. After all these years."

I gulped, thinking about that damn message, and now seeing her loving smile. "Y-You didn't think it was weird?"

Blair sighed, yet her smile remained. "Brianna. Do you think I'd be sitting here if it was?" She moved her hand to my elbow, up my shoulder, caressing my cheek gently.

I almost said something. I couldn't even remember what it was. Not that it mattered because I didn't get the chance. The moment I had been waiting for, it was happening. Her face was moving closer to mine, eyes slowly closing. And as soon as I felt her lips brush against mine, the feeling of her touch caused the butterflies in my stomach to flutter. I closed my own eyes and accepted what was happening.

The kiss my teenage self craved, dreamed about even.

It was reality.

We hadn't just slipped into some other world.

This was real life. The feeling of her hand on my cheek, that was real. The butterflies in my stomach fighting against the walls, also real.

And how I lifted my hand and held her face, also real.

She pulled away first, but her lips were still close, "was that OK?"

"Yeah," I moved my face back towards hers, initiating another kiss. I was savouring every bit of this moment. The sweet taste of her was too much to not let go of.

But she pulled back again, letting herself fall back against the mattress. I stared at her for a few seconds. Fuck, this was happening. Something inside me was hesitant to do this. The nerves, the fear of not being enough for her.

Blair reached out for my hand, and I knew I was just overthinking again. I took her hand and allowed her to pull me down to her.

Lowering my face to hers, I kissed her again, more hungrily this time. For a second, I didn't know where to go from there, still so in disbelief that my luck had turned around.

When I pulled away, my hand travelling down the side of her face. "Oh my God...is this real?"

"Of course it is." Blair giggled, her hands roaming up and down my back.

"OK. Good!" I panted, moving my kisses to her cheek, then her neck, and I could feel my heart beating a bit faster.

But because I am Brianna Caldwell, the most awkward person to have ever lived, I had to go on with the questions. "Hey, Blair, can I ask you something?" I kept my lips where they were.

"Mhmm?" She purred when I kissed that point where her neck met her shoulder. The pathetic noise she made almost made me melt, I swear to God.

"Were you…" come on, Brie, just say it, "were you gonna kiss me at the prom?"

She chuckled, "Yeah. But Trevor had to be an insecure loser."

I appreciated the cute giggling sound she made.

I lifted my head away from her skin and leaned up. I looked at her with a raised brow.

Blair was smiling still, but I knew she was getting impatient.

"So...you like-liked me back then too? Even when I was ugly?" I asked.

"Brianna, you were never ugly." Blair's brows connected, a hand stroking up and down my side. She really was getting needy. "And yes. I always like-liked you. God, that's so cute. You still say like-like." She took my hands and guided them to the knot tight at the side of her wrap dress.

"Shut up. Fuck, you're so beautiful." My hands began to untie the knot while I lowered my face and kissed along her clavicle and the only bit of exposed chest I had access to.

"Fuck. If only you knew how long I wanted this." Blair mewled. "I didn't think this was ever gonna happen. Even when I saw you and Juju out on the balcony, I was like...fuck. I'm too late."

Confusion immediately took me over. I pulled back again, looking down at her. A brief flash of frustration appeared on her face, but I ignored it. "Wait. What?"

"Yeah, I just…" Blair looked away for a moment as if debating on continuing or not, "always saw how you were around her. Always so happy. Like you were on top of the world. And I just didn't want to get in the way of that."

Her hand was trailing along my thigh, but I ignored it.

"Wait...Jujubee?" I knew that's who she was talking about, but even the sound of her name, it made something inside hurt. Not a hurt that she caused. Something...so different yet familiar at the same time.

"Yes. I never saw you that happy around anyone else…" Blair leaned back, balancing against my propped knees. "I mean, the prom? The way you looked at me, it was nothing compared to when you're with her. With Jujubee, it was...always so different."

Realisation dawned on me. I knew what she was getting at.

I opened my mouth to speak, ready to say I didn't like Jujubee in that way. But the words wouldn't surface. No matter how much I willed myself, I just couldn't. Even the thought of saying it made that feeling of hurt feel 10 times worse.

"You OK?" Her fingers danced around my thigh again, only with more wanting now.

"But…" I began, "I gave you my Valentine's card in first grade."

Now she was silent, her gaze shifting between both my eyes. She leaned up on both elbows, realising my questions weren't going to stop, and her pussy wasn't going to be eaten any time soon. She gave a nervous laugh, "um, no. You gave it to Jujubee."

I squinted my eyes. "No. I gave it to you, Blair."

"Girl, you gave it to me, and when I asked if it was mine, you shouted at me, saying it was for Juju and you just wanted me to check it out." She was laughing again. But seeing my still confused face, her smile began to drop. "You don't remember that?"

I was silent for a moment. Blair was in front of me, the love of my life, but all I could see was the image of Jujubee in my head. Her perfect little face, the way her eyes crinkled at the corners when she laughed, that bright smile, her silky black hair that always smelt so good.

I thought back, all the way back to that specific Valentine's Day. I remembered handing the card to Blair, her confused face, how the kids snickered as I stood there feeling sorry for myself. And Jujubee shouting at them all for making jokes.

But that was all.

"I... don't remember that," I spoke quietly, my eyes squinted.

"Not even the card she gave you?"

My eyes widened at that. "She did what?"

"Yeah, she gave you a card."

Now that she mentioned it, there was a flicker of an image in my head; something pastel pink. My tiny painted fingers holding a heart shape. Baby Brianna smiling, only to lift her head and see the other kids making fun.

"Oh, shit…" I whispered. I climbed off Blair and got up from the bed.

I was on the verge of pacing, my hand in my hair, "Oh my God."

"Don't be embarrassed, Brie." Blair was fully sat up in the bed now, her legs spread as if trying to beckon me back. "Not a lot of people can remember so far back."

I needed to prove if this was real or not. I'd call Jujubee. But then again, would she have even answered? If what Blair was saying was true, that explained why Jujubee was behaving the way she was. She was hurt. She was pissed because I didn't remember her card.

But how the fuck could I have forgotten something like that? All my life, that was all I ever wanted - to know I was loved by someone. Such a memory like that…

"Brie, are we...you know...gonna…" Blair spoke quietly.

My eyes widened. A memory like that. A memory that would be worth keeping.

I turned to face her. "Blair, wait here. I'll be right back."

"OK. Sure." Blair blinked a few times.

I wasted no time rushing downstairs. Taking a moment to observe the crowd, it seemed, quite a few guests had left already. At least it would make it easier to navigate.

I made my way to the kitchen. The memory box was still there. For a millisecond, I feared someone would have stolen it.

I took it to the counter, no one was around, so I felt safe enough to open it.

My nerves were wrecked as I lifted the latch to the box. I only had a small idea of the things that would be in here. Old photos, movie tickets, childhood drawings.

But I hadn't planned on opening it up so soon.

No. I needed to know the truth.

Opening it up, I saw a bunch of photos, tickets and pieces of folded up paper. I removed them, planning to possibly look at them at a later date.

The more I pulled out, the more confident I felt that Blair had got it all wrong. And she was the one who remembered things differently.

But there was a flash of pink at the bottom of the box. I gulped, pushing aside the scraps of paper burying it.

And there it was; A pastel pink heart-shaped card, 'Happy Valentines Day' writing in glitter gel pen on the front. "Shit…" I said quietly, pulling the card out.

Opening it up, I breathed out a puff of air.

'Dear Brianna, I know people in class are mean and say nasty things. But I think you are the prettiest girl in the world. Happy Valentine's day. Love from Juju xxx'

I could hear the younger version of myself reading it out loud, the insults from the other kids, Jujubee yelling at them because they were just jealous.

I put the card down as I realised Blair was right. And memories resurfaced, reading completely different.

That Valentines Day in which she refused to tell me who she had eyes for

That time she didn't invite me to stay for dinner.

How her smile would drop every time I mentioned Blair.

How I never danced with her at the prom

And finally, our recent argument.

It all made sense. Jujubee was in love with me. And instead of recognising it earlier on, I was too caught up with Blair to see it.

And what about me? How did I feel about her? Yeah, Jujubee was my one and only friend. She had gotten me through so much throughout the years. If it weren't for her, who knew where I would have been.

I couldn't pinpoint any time that I had thought of her as more than just a friend.

Well, maybe the times we'd lie in bed and just...stare into each other's eyes. Or the time she held me as I sobbed into her chest after the incident at the prom. Or maybe the times she'd smile, and it would brighten up my day. Or the exact day that I noticed how cute it was when her lashes fluttered.

Or…

My eyes met the heart-shaped card again, how the very sight of it made my heart skip a beat.

"Fuck." I ran my fingers through my hair as it was clear to me.

My eyes ventured away from the card, moving to the scraps of paper.

'Grandpa's tips for life'

My hand told me to examine the piece of paper further, so I did so.

At the top of the list, there it was. A sign.

'Go get her, kiddo. You've got nothing to lose.'

I needed to tell her.

I packed the box up and quickly left the kitchen, noting that a few more people had left.

"Blair!" I called, rushing up the stairs.

She was still there, laying in the bed, in just her white lacey lingerie.

I covered my eyes. "Oh my God. That was unexpected."

"Fuck. Sorry. I kind of had a feeling that would have been inappropriate." She asked.

"What? No. You're fine. I just... wasn't prepared for that." I stuttered, still covering my eyes. "Could you just...cover-up for a second."

"OK." I heard her say. "You can look now."

I looked back. She did pull the duvet up, but just below the wire of her bra.

"OK," I breathed out, trying to ignore her cleavage, "I think you're right about Jujubee."

"You think?"

"Yes," I replied before shaking my head profusely. "No. I know. You're right, Blair. I...I like her. Maybe even love her." Fuck, saying that out loud, it did something to me, "And yes, I liked you for so long, but you're right. I was always happiest with her."

I was expecting her to be disappointed, but she smiled. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

"What?"

"Go get her."

Grandpa's words reiterated.

"You're not upset that we're not gonna have sex right now?"

"No, Brie." Blair threw back the covers, picking up her gold wrap dress off the floor, "I already learned how to deal with it. Knowing you belonged to someone else." She wrapped her body up in the dress effortlessly, fluffed out her hair and turned to look at me again. "I know you're meant to be with her. So, go. Go tell her now before it's too late."

Despite this revelation, I couldn't help but feel like a dick. Blair was smiling, but I knew she had to feel some level of hurt. I walked towards her and brought her into a hug.

"I'm sorry for what I did to you, Brie," Blair whispered in my ear.

I only held her tighter, "Don't be," and I pulled away, my hands still on her shoulders, "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have ever opened my eyes."

I kissed her on the cheek, and she smiled warmly. I turned to leave, and before I made my way downstairs, I looked at her once more. Her hand was on her face where my lips had been. I was glad I could give her that one last kiss, just something to hold on to.

"You really helped me, Blair," I said.

"Good." She said graciously. "Now go."

The urgency in her voice only fueled my determination.

I was under no time limit, but I couldn't help but want to reach Jujubee as soon as possible.

When I was outside, I shouted for the first cab I saw. Thankfully it pulled over. I got in and pulled out my phone.

But the car was still.

"Go! Drive!" I raised my voice.

"Lady. You haven't even told me where you're headed!" The cabbie turned in his seat.

Fuck, I sounded crazy. How he hadn't thrown me out was beyond me.

I only realised that I had no idea where my destination was. Jujubee could have been anywhere.

The driver was still looking at me, his patience growing thin. So I barked out Jujubee's address.

He seemed relieved to be on the road again. Only then was I aware of the honking cars behind us. Typical for New York, but this was too much.

I found Jujubee's number, trying my luck at the chance she'd answer.

It rang.

And it rang.

And it rang some more.

"Come on, come on," I repeated quietly to myself. Relax, Brie. It's not like she's catching a plane to the furthest state.

The phone went straight to voicemail. "Fuck!"

The cab driver glared at me in the rearview mirror.

I ignored him and tried again. Still nothing.

A few minutes passed, and I tried once more. But again, my luck was shit on.

I dropped my hands to my lap, sighing frustratedly. All I could do was just see if she was home.

My eyes trailed to beyond the window, just hoping to get there as soon as possible.

And there she was. Walking out of a pizza place, a solemn look on her face.

"There she is," I said aloud to myself before turning my attention to the cab driver. "Stop! Pull over!"

He came to a grinding halt. "Jesus Christ, lady! You really need to stop all that yelling and - -"

I handed him a $20 bill, "keep the change. Thank you."

I got out of the vehicle, eyes looking to where Jujubee once was. She was gone.

"Fuck." I looked down one path, not there. And looking down the other, there was Jujubee, rounding the corner and eating a slice of pizza.

I ran in my heels, people moving out of the way to dodge me.

I knew I was an inconvenience to so many, but Jujubee at that moment was my priority.

Rounding the corner, I saw she didn't get far. I couldn't help but bend over for a hot second, trying to catch my breath.

And when I recovered, I shouted out, "Jujubee!"

She turned, eyes wide like she had never heard my voice before. And when she saw it was me, her face sort of fell.

My hand reached into my bag, and I pulled out the Valentines Day card.

She looked confused at first, but then recognition settled in. And the disappointment was replaced with fear.

I stopped panting. And finally, I could speak. "You were right. Approval; That's all I ever wanted. And I thought that if Blair gave that to me, I'd be good enough. Because I never felt that. I never felt good enough. I wasn't good enough for Blair, I was never good enough for my parents, and I'd never be good enough for anyone."

Jujubee was silent for a moment, eyes falling to the pavement and then back up again. "You were good enough for me."

I breathed out. "I know. But I was...too caught up in my own shit to think about how you felt. Too caught up that...I didn't even think about how I felt." I paused, thinking of how the fuck I should say it. No, I didn't need to think. This wasn't some cheesy movie. "I...I love you, Juju."

She let out a breath, a shaky one like she was on the verge of tears. And her eyes became glossy. I really wanted to tell her not to cry, to be happy. But this moment, she wanted this all her life.

A tear slipped down her cheek, but she laughed. "Fuck, I got this fucking pizza 'cause I needed heartbreak food."

I returned the laugh. "Hey, it's OK. You can still eat it. It can be normal pizza."

"No. I'm not even hungry anyway." Jujubee admitted, passing the pizza to a random passerby (who was taken by surprise but accepted the free food anyway).

Jujubee walked towards me. I smiled, already smelling that sweet perfume.

But she pushed me back. "Fuck you for forgetting about the card. I knew you did. I always remembered yours."

"I'm so sorry. I don't know why I forgot. But," I paused, "Blair reminded me."

"She did?"

"Yep."

"Wow. She remembered. But you didn't."

"Yeah. I'm...really really sorry."

"Wow. Is this our first couple fight?" Jujubee put her hands on her hips.

"It could be. If... that's what you want to call us." I suggested.

"Perfect. Seal the deal?" She raised a brow.

I knew where this was going. "Oh, absolutely."

Jujubee stepped closer, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pressed her lips against mine. And that unfamiliar spark coursed through me, like it came from somewhere inside her and travelled through my body.

And I didn't care for the fact we were in the middle of the street, probably inconveniencing others. All that mattered was the happiness coursing through me, the feeling of...being complete.

I pulled out of the kiss first. "Wanna get in that rocket and be the first to go to the other world?"

Jujubee smiled but quickly stopped. "I-I'm kinda unprepared. I mean... I'd need a toothbrush, my clothes..."

"Where we're going...you don't need 'em." And then I played the words back in my head. "Oh. Oh shit, no. Not in that context. I just meant... you'd get new ones, you know? Fuck, I'm terrible at this."

"No. You're just you." Jujubee laughed, and fuck, I adored how her eyes were crinkling at the corners.

We grabbed the nearest cab. When we told him where we were going, his eyes widened. It would be a journey. But we paid upfront, so the driver remained silent.

When we got to base, I almost cursed myself for not thinking about how we'd access all the areas.

But there was that mastercard. And they couldn't say no. They knew who I was, after all.

When we were in the gowning area, Jujubee and I helped each other into spacesuits. I was high with anticipation, ready to see what was on the other side, ready to do it all with Jujubee.

This was our dream.

Jujubee grabbed two helmets. One for her and one for me. She tossed it my way, and I caught it.

"Ready to go?" She asked.

"Absolutely." I extended my hand, and we made our way to the door.

The cold cool air was refreshing. My eyes travelled up and down the rocket. It was bigger than I imagined, and for a small second, I felt worthless. Like I was just Brianna Caldwell, a girl from a small town with no real purpose in this world.

But Jujubee slid her hand into mine. And I was reminded that all I had to do was shut my inner demons up. Because I did have a purpose. And I was something to someone. As long as I had her, that was all that mattered.

Jujubee smiled mischievously, pulling me along the bridge, leading me to the already opened door. She ducked down and climbed into the small space, and I followed.

It was disorientating at first, what with the rocket facing the sky. I feared I'd fall trying to get into my seat. But Jujubee continued to pull me along.

When we were seated, I wasted no time putting on my helmet and initiated the activation process.

I could feel Jujubee's smirk as I flicked at switches and pressed buttons. It only fueled my excitement.

A voice came through the radio, one of the engineers. We were bombarded with questions, demanding to know what we were doing, how it was too early for take off with no press to film it, all sorts of complaints.

But we didn't care.

When everything seemed ready to go, I put my hand on the lever. But before I pulled, I turned my head to her.

"Ready to see the flying horses?" I raised a brow.

"Just as ready as I am for the cats that bark." She breathed out a laugh through her nostrils.

With another smile, I pulled the lever. The ship was rumbling now, and my stomach was doing somersaults.

We both turned our attention to the sounds of protest from the engineers. They were livid now, shouting about how the media wasn't going to like this.

I lifted my hand up, flipping the source of the sound off. Jujubee cackled to my delight.

I put the intercom on mute. And the ship took off. Mom was gonna kill me for this. I'd definitely bring her back a gift. A new vase, maybe? Yeah. A vase from an entirely new world. Something new.

I looked forward, unable to see the ground below us. How high were we already? How long was left until we reached that crossover, the gateway?

My question was answered as the ship was illuminated by a bright light.

We did it, Grandpa. We did it.

[merakiaes]

Hello! Can I get Marvel, Harry Potter, Twilight, Stranger Things, The Witcher, Peaky Blinders, The Walking Dead, Suicide Squad, Game Of Thrones ship? 💖 179 cm tall; dark brown, past shoulder-length hair with bangs; blue eyes (the left eye is mixed with hazel, aka, heterochromia iridium); heptagon face shape with dimples; rectangle body shape. Hufflepuff. INFP-T. Bi-curious. Pisces-Aries cusp sign. ”Looks like could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll.” At first, I may come off as reserved, shy, yet polite. I, as many of us, have a resting bitch face, that’s why people may think that I’m in a bad mood. It takes me a lot of time to warm up to somebody, cause I have social anxiety. Hate small talk, or speaking in front of the public. When I’m nervous, I tend to mess up my words or forget what I was supposed to say. I’m usually playful, dirty-minded and goofy around close friends. I’m the so-called, ”fashionista and mom” from my circle of friends. A perfectionist, punctual, over-thinker, slight control/clean freak. Stubborn in some situations. If I’m annoyed or getting impatient, I can say something witty or sarcastic. I’m constantly fighting an inner battle with myself, trying to accept myself. I don’t like to smile or laugh in public, cause of the small gap between my front teeth. I really hate taking selfies or somebody else taking pictures of me. The clothes I wear depends on my mood (and the weather outside), but it’s always a mix of smart casual or comfortable. Don’t like doing things out of my comfort zone, prefer to stay indoors. Dislike asking people for help (it makes me feel uncomfortable). I don’t like arguments, but I will square up if they come for my family or I snapped. I’m a kind-hearted person, always ready to help someone in need, quite modest as well. My hobbies include listening to any type of music, reading, watching movies or tv shows, traveling (if given the chance), and cleaning. Have a thing for writing. Very protective of my family. Divorced parents. Motherly towards kids and friends. An old soul, and the ”black sheep” of my family. A feminist, support LGBTQ+ community. Sometimes I like to try and cook easy recipes. Dislike black coffee, prefer tea or orange juice. That’s it, - thanks!

MARVEL

I ship you with Bruce Banner!

He would be kind of wary and scared to talk to you to a start. The other guy may be big and strong, but he’s not. He doesn’t have much confidence in himself when in his human form and he would be intimidated by you at first glance, but once he actually works up the courage to come and talk to you, you’d get on great.

He knows what it's like to struggle with social anxiety so he would be patient and need some time to become comfortable with you, as well, scared of messing things up by saying the wrong thing and/or sharing too much. 

Like you, he rambles when he’s nervous so that’s just another thing you have in common, but once he’s comfortable with someone, he’s more than happy to participate in some sarcastic, dirty-minded banter. 

He’s very reserved and, like earlier mentioned, doesn’t have much confidence. He would never understand how someone like you would want someone like him but he would be so in awe of the fact that you did want him. 

He knows all too well what it’s like to be at odds with yourself and accepting who you are so he would be very understanding and supportive of that, and he’d comfort you about your insecurities and let you know that you’re more than good enough. 

You’re also very similar in that you prefer to stay indoors, away from all kinds of social activity, and not go out of your comfort zones while, as well as the way you’re both more than willing to help other people in need while disliking asking for help for yourselves.

HARRY POTTER

I ship you with George Weasley!

George is the literal definition of a cinnamon roll. He’s so kind, caring and thoughtful, and I feel like we don’t talk about that nearly enough. 

You’re shy and reserved, and he’s forward and energetic. You struggle to warm up to people, and he has no problem whatsoever getting to know new people. So I feel like it would be a good match. He would kinda just force all his energy onto you so that you, as a result, wouldn’t feel as anxious about meeting someone new, you know?

He could help you let loose a bit more, and I mean that in the most respectful way possible; not because you’re uptight, but more so to help relieve some of that stress and pressure that everything always has to be perfect.

He’s so loud as a person that neither you nor anyone else would even notice your mistakes, like messing up your words, because George and his twin just take the stage wherever they go. 

George loves pushing his limits and discovering new things so I feel like he’d definitely try to get you out of your comfort zones on some occasions, but at the same time, he’s a lot less pushy than his twin and would give up if he noticed that you really didn’t want to do something, whereas Fred probably would’ve just dragged you along by your arm and bugged you until you gave in.

He’d find your shy personality adorable to a start but once you got comfortable enough to show your playful, dirty-minded and goofy side, he would just be amazed and get even more excited around you. 

And knowing him, he’d love both your heterochromia and the gap between your teeth. He would find your eyes the most fascinating thing in the world, and he’s just generally a person who loves “different” and finds it beautiful. 

Being protective over family and loved ones is a plus for any of the Weasleys, seeing as the most precious thing they have is just that; family. So the fact that this is a quality you have would make George even more attracted to you, as would your motherly instincts.

 TWILIGHT

I ship you with Embry Call!

Like Bruce, Embry probably would’ve been a bit intimidated by you on first sight. Not only because of your resting bitch face, but also because he just has no experience with girls, whatsoever. 

After much encouragement from the other boys, however, he probably would’ve been able to work up the courage needed to approach you and most likely, knowing him, he would’ve stumbled over his words and completely messed up, so you’d never have to worry about messing up like that, yourself, because he would just be such a mess that it would be hard to beat. 

Embry is, like you, playful, dirty-minded and goofy when he’s in the right company, but he’s much quieter and shyer than the other boys on the reservation, as well as reserved in general - like you. He’s also a lot more caring and loving than his pack members but, like the rest of them, he’s very protective of family, which is just another thing the two of you share. 

Embry is a wolf so, obviously, he enjoys being outside and participating in fast-paced activities, but I don’t think he’d mind staying inside with you, watching movies, or just listening to music and hanging out. His mom definitely wouldn’t mind, as he’s technically grounded for life for sneaking out every night, which he keeps ignoring much to her dismay. 

He’s just so kind and humble. He’d be so sweet and supportive about your insecurities and never force you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, and he’d be all over your cooking, no matter how good or bad you are at it!

 STRANGER THINGS

I ship you with Jonathan Byers!

Jonathan knows everything about being the black sheep. He had to find himself and learn his value completely on his own, so he knows what it’s like to be at war with your own mind in accepting who you are. 

He believes that people should be judged by their ability to work rather than by what gender they are and that women should be respected just as much as men, as seen when he disapproved of how Nancy was being treated by her co-workers, and therefore also shares your feminist ideals. 

He would be the sweetest to you about your insecurities and tell you that it’s okay to be different no matter what and that you’re beautiful and enough just the way you are. 

He’s introverted, asocial and kind just like you, cares very deeply for family and knows what it’s like to have divorced parents. 

He’s very much into music just like you are and is not very fond of small talk nor fighting either, so I feel like you would have a really calm and stable relationship. 

 THE WITCHER

I ship you with Jaskier!

Jaskier is a little like George Weasley in the way that he always steals all the attention whenever he walks into a room. He’s got a very loud personality and for the same reasons I think you’d be good with George, I think you would be good with Jaskier!

Unlike you who prefer staying within your comfort one, Jaskier might care about that a bit too little. Let’s just say that he would never bother you about not being more adventurous, because he’d be far too busy stepping out of his comfort zone and getting into trouble, himself, to notice.

Jaskier is also a big fan of writing, reading and, of course, music, so I think you’d be able to have some really good times together.

 PEAKY BLINDERS

I ship you with Ada Shelby!

Being the only woman as well as the only really sensible member of a family full of gangsters for sure puts a person under the “black sheep”-category, so Ada knows all about feeling out of place. 

She’s the only member of the Shelby family who absolutely hates violence which is one of the main reasons I think you’d suit each other, seeing as you don’t like arguments. Just like you, she will square up if she absolutely has to in order to defend herself, but she’d much prefer not to. 

She’s very level-headed and tries her best to stay well clear of all the illegal activities that her family get up to, instead, putting her focus into activism and trying to improve equality for everyone, as well as trying to embrace the beautiful and sensuous things life has to offer.

She has a natural instinct to take care of those who can’t look after themselves, she’s kind-hearted and humane, accepting and understanding, so she would be very patient with getting to know you and let you take the time you needed. 

Out of all the Peaky Blinders characters, I can almost guarantee you that Ada is your best shot at getting a peaceful and unproblematic life. 

THE WALKING DEAD

I ship you with Daryl Dixon!

Daryl may be brave and good at surviving, but he is, at the same time, constantly facing challenges from his past as an abuse victim. Because of his trauma, he’s very socially awkward and doesn’t really know how to connect with other people, even though he does seem to have the desire to do so. For example, at the beginning of the apocalypse, he often spoke to people without making eye contact and cringed away from physical touch, with little to no social skills, and even though he has definitely gotten better at it, the struggle is still there to some extent.

His childhood trauma is also the reason for his insecurities, of which the biggest one is his scars. He’s ashamed of them and every day he’s reminded of the fact that he, through all his life, has been nothing and no one. He often shows signs that he considers himself to be worthless as well as depressed, and shows clear discomfort and distrust for people he’s not all that familiar with. 

Because of the discomfort of being around people, he prefers to keep his distance from groups, because he functions best when he’s either alone or in the company of just one or two people; preferably the former. So naturally, he’s very quiet, not at all fond of small talk. Even with people he’s comfortable being around, he’d rather sit in a comfortable, mutual silence than speak. 

You have all these things in common; finding it hard trusting and opening up to people, being over-thinkers, disliking small talk, constantly fighting inner battles with yourselves and struggling to accept yourselves, disliking asking people for help, as well as having big social anxieties in general.

But what you also have in common is that you’re very protective of family. Daryl may prefer to keep to himself, but he doesn’t hesitate to risk his life in order to save the members of his group. He’s incredibly selfless and loyal to a fault and would stop at nothing to protect his people as well as help people who can’t protect themselves. 

As a result of his abuse, he also an extreme attentiveness to others. He’s so hypervigilant that not only is he always prepared for zombies, but he can also attentive to the emotions of people. So even though he might struggle with communicating sympathy verbally and through touch, he will go to great lengths to use his special skills to help those in pain, this meaning - you wouldn’t have to communicate your feelings through words every time since he’d most likely pick up on your body language, which can be a really big relief when you’re self-conscious about stumbling over words when nervous and struggle with social anxiety. 

He would just be very understanding of your social issues in general and as he absolutely hates when people try to pry into his life before the apocalypse, he would never put any pressure, whatsoever, on you to open up to him in anything other than your own time. If anyone knows what it’s like to feel out of place, it’s him. 

SUICIDE SQUAD

I ship you with Rick Flag!

It’s no secret that Rick is very serious and short-tempered when in combat and on the job. His personality is usually described as sturdy, stoic and serious and he’s been trained to serve and follow orders without questions. He takes his responsibilities very seriously and gets frustrated when others don’t pay him the same respect.

But away from his job, Rick also has a softer, more vulnerable side and is capable of warming up even to enemies through his ability to see things from different perspectives, as seen when he happily hugs Floyd after defeating Enchantress. He’s deeply protective of those he loves and would go to unthinkable lengths to protect them. 

He isn’t a person who willingly goes out of his comfort zone either; on the contrary, it’s usually something he’s pressured to do by other people who, often, have some kind of leverage on him. 

So had he only been presented with the choice, I think he’d really be into the idea of a simple life with no drama, no danger. Just him, his significant other, living together and going about their ways either separately or together, before having dinner and falling asleep together in front of a good movie or tv show. He’d be more than happy living a life as simple as that. 

Underneath that whole military attitude, he also has a sense of humor hidden away; the goofy and playful one, just like yours. And I think that you would be really good together in that sense. 

GAME OF THRONES

I ship you with Jon Snow!

Jon is known to be humble, calm and withdrawn and would, at least after the events of the last season, much rather live a calm, simple life than one full of adventure and challenged limits since he’s so clearly shown to be burdened by the constant danger and responsibility. 

All his life, Jon has lived as an outcast; a bastard, and the black sheep in a family of wolves. Because of Catelyn’s consistent hatred and torment, he never felt anything other than hatred, self-doubt and shame toward himself and has never felt like he belongs anywhere, with anyone. 

He was forced to quietly wrestle with dejection and loneliness his entire life; always among them, but never really one of them, and because he never quite fit in, he was naturally more susceptible to anti-social behavior, as shown in the way that he always tends to mind his own business, prefers to stay within his comfort zone and also in the way that he isn’t big on small talk.

He was so ashamed of himself and who he was that he pledged himself to the Night’s Watch in order to escape the label of a bastard, so he knows better than anyone what it’s like to try and accept oneself. 

To finish it off, he’s the ultimate feminist, who takes powerful women for what they are and understands the importance of lifting them up. He encouraged Arya and her proclivity for archery and combat and he admitted to his misjudgments and faults without being derisive or sexist when Sansa outsmarted him and saved his ass in the Battle of the Bastards so he doesn’t consider it to be emasculating to be equal, or even inferior, to a woman, and doesn’t pick and choose what kind of woman to support. He supports all of them and their individual strengths, whether it be physical power in combat, or mental power in politics. 

FAST AND FURIOUS

I ship you with Leon!

Little is known about Leon since he was only in the first movie with minimal screentime, but I have, over the years, built my own opinion of him through his way of behaving in the moments we actually got to see him.

My first thought on him was that he’s a bit of the lost loner type and that he’s much more rational and level-headed than the others.

He voices his disapproval to Dom on several occasions and got shut down every time, which showed that he didn’t really trust him to keep them safe and out of handcuffs, and that he wasn’t comfortable with how far they were taking things. 

This, to me, equals that he’s not a person who is very fond of stepping out of his comfort zone and would much rather play it safe and stick to the things he knows.

I wouldn’t go so far as to call him a coward, but he’s definitely more cautious than the rest of the squad. Rather than getting high off the thrill, he just seems like he’s along for the ride, without actually needing the excitement like the others do. Plain and simple: he’s a tag-along:er, not an adrenaline junkie.

In the scenes he’s in, he was always the one to, in one way or another, look out for the well-being of the others, and I can imagine, since he and Jesse met before the two joined the squad, that he looked after Jesse for a long while, as well.

Jesse had pretty severe ADD as well as slightly faulty instincts and understandings in some social settings both because of his ADD and because he was raised by his criminal dad to know no better, so looking out for him would probably take a little bit of work since I’d guess that he got himself into trouble a lot. 

Because of this, I’ve kind of put him in the “caretaker”-category, since he seems to be so much more genuine and caring than the rest, and that, in turn, is why I think he’d be a good match for you. 

I also think that you’d be good together because of the fact Jesse shares a lot of qualities with you; a bit reserved, stuttering when nervous, and being generally anxious around strangers. Since Leon has experience with this, he wouldn’t judge you but rather know how to handle it, support you and make you feel more comfortable. 

His mother left him when he was still young and he has clearly been struggling to find a place where he belongs. He thought that he found it with Dom’s crew, but when Jesse died and Vince and Letty got seriously hurt, he obviously had enough, decided that the heat had become too risky and that he didn’t want anything more to do with the illegal activities. 

Once again, after Jesse’s passing, he was left alone, and I’m one hundred percent sure that he left the crew to go live a safer, calmer life because, like Rick Flag, he just seems like the type to want a quiet life with a like-minded significant other, maybe some animals and/or a kid or two. Basically just a “perfect, happy family”-situation with no risk-taking, just staying safe within your comfort zones. 

[may0osh]

The WORLD owes Johnny an apology!

Johnny Depp & Amber Heard: The Real ABUSER FINALLY REVEALED!! 

I like how since the tables have turned and she is being exposed there's basically no media coverage on this but when people thought he was the abuser he was all over the media made to be a monster but now it's like you can actually hear crickets. Male domestic abuse needs to be taken seriously I genuinely hope people he gets the justice he deserves and her career is over like it should be. ALL ABUSERS, no matter their gender, deserves HELL. Johnny Depp is a victim of Domestic Abuse. People have often spoken about Johnny's looks declining in the last 5-7 years. Well, the guy has been abused non-stop by her. The levels of stress, physical injuries, and humiliation have taken a toll. It looks even more like he is a genuinely kind man who was taken advantage of by a predator who had callous intentions for him... 

When allegations of him abusing her came out; people were ready to burn him at the stake and it was plastered all over the news. But, now that it's been PROVEN that she lied and instead abused him; everyone is silent. The double standard is so prominent it hurts me. I never believed it from the beginning. I never believed that Johnny Depp could have ever abused her and I’m so glad that the truth has finally come out. He’s been in the public eye since he was a teenager and at no time has anyone ever came forward to accuse him of being violent.  All of his relationships have been with women in the public eye and none of them used a public platform to denounce this abuser? Right. He was a fool to leave Vanessa for Amber but abusive he is NOT.

I sincerely hope and pray amber heard gets EVERYTHING in her life ripped away from her. she doesn't deserve her career, her support/followers, her friends, her family, her fame, her money, etc. I hope her life gets RUINED. I hope amber heard has NOTHING after this. She is a disgusting human being and it’s people like her that reinforce that narrative that a man is automatically guilty just because the woman says so. Anyone that just assumed his guilt needs to freaking apologize to this man. He probably went through complete mental and emotional hell because of these false accusations. She nearly destroyed this man’s life. Also, never forget she assaulted and abused her girlfriend back in 2009, so Amber Heard needs to be put in jail for this type of slander. She needs to be held responsible. 

Anyone who was abused knew she was not being truthful! Plus literally, every single ex of Depp’s came out and defended him. And countless friends. Saying over the decades they knew him not one time did he ever display that behavior she accused him of. She truly picked the wrong guy to hustle. 

Johnny deserves to get Captain Jack Sparrow role back, Amber should be removed from Aquaman, and the media should apologize for Johnny. I know he will get his justice. Although, Johnny's reputation to us hasn't truly been destroyed. His TRUE fans know that Amber is a liar. I will never watch another movie with her in it. 

[magaprima]

PART 2 EPISODE 8 EPISODE ANALYSIS 3/?

God, I fucking hate this scene on so many levels, and you’re going to get my rant about why below. This is probably going to be more rant than analysis. Hardcore Sabrina and/or Nick stans probably should skip this one. 

Firstly, the way Sabrina storms in. Not only is this reckless because Sabrina has no idea whether, among other things, ‘Ms Wardwell’ has been hiding how powerful she is. She has no full grasp of any part of the situation, she can’t even be certain she’s right that her teacher was ‘whispering in her ear’ and it wasn’t just unfortunate coincidence, she also knows both from experience and from her family, that if the Dark Lord asks you to do something you don’t get to say no, and she doesn’t even wonder if maybe ‘Ms Wardwell’ had been asked to do this by the Dark Lord, and to give her the same benefit of the doubt she gave herself, Hilda and Ambrose. Nope, she just fucking storms in recklessly. The fact Lilith manages to keep it together and stay calm, and just give a sarcastic ‘come in’ is astounding. 

Now, let’s go into the list of things Sabrina blames Lilith for:

1. Jesse Putnam’s exorcism. Excuse you, Sabrina, but you needed no fucking whispering to get that one done. You were asking everyone about it, you were determined, you even declared if no one would help you from the Church of Night then you’d go to the Catholic Church, you denied Lilith’s help at every turn until she was forced to go directly to the Aunts. That is the one she least fucking whispered over. Sabrina has full culpability over that, because Sabrina was going to do it, no matter what. She stated that herself. So let’s not be shifting the blame now because it suits

2. Resurrecting Tommy Again, Sabrina needed no encouragement here. In fact, Lilith very clearly tells her NOT to do it-- yes, she knows perfectly well Sabrina will do it anyway, but the point is, she is told not to. ‘Ms Wardwell’ tells her it requires her to take a life, she begs her not to do it, Ambrose tells her not to do it, even the Weird Sisters have their qualms and so does Nick, but Sabrina is determined. She needs ‘right a wrong’ by killing Agatha to bring back Tommy, even though Zelda had told her that witches can’t meddle in mortal affairs. She actually ‘steals’ the book from her teacher’s office, she does this in defiance of everyone. So again, no shifting blame when you actively made that decision to do it, Sabrina. 

3. Going to Limbo Again, you made that decision on your own, Sabrina. In fact, she only goes to Lilith as a last resort when no one else would help her. But she’d already come to the conclusion herself. Zelda had told her not to, Hilda told her not to, Ambrose told her not to, they all told her how dangerous it was, how she couldn’t do it, how the right thing was to restore balance and return Tommy to the earth, but nope Sabrina decides she knows best and she’ll get someone to help her. Even if you argue that Lilith makes these situations happen, Sabrina is the one who decides to do it. She makes that choice. She could have chosen to listen to anyone else, but she always listened to Lilith because Lilith told her what she wanted to hear

4. Signing her name in the book of the beast This is the one thing she can accuse Lilith of because she worked her freaking butt off to make that happen. But at the same time,  everyone in your family has signed it, Sabrina, and this wasn’t actually part of the prophecy, that was just getting you on the right path. 

5. Conjuring hellfire Didn’t the Dark Lord tell her to do this one? With the visions he gave her? All Lilith does is tell her how. And again, Sabrina could have decided to find another way to defeat the Thirteen but she goes with the option that is offered because it’s what she wants to do. As Zelda said ‘you did it because you like power’

“I did all those things with you whispering in my ear”

Sabrina is just completely absolving herself of all culpability and responsibility just because it freaking suits her. As listing above, she has to take responsibility: Someone can tell you to shoot someone, but if you do it, that was your choice, just as it’s your choice not to. Sabrina did all these things, not because Lilith was whispering in her ear, but because she wanted to do them. We’ve established many times throughout the series that Sabrina doesn’t do anything if she doesn’t want to do it (The fact she agrees to take the the throne in Part 3 is not because Lucifer’s arguments make sense, because they just don’t, but because she wants the power and he gave the excuse to take it). 

I just hate this accusatory anger where she’s painting herself as the complete innocent with all blame on Lilith. Yes, Lilith is involved, yes Lilith has manipulated things and is working for the Dark Lord, but Sabrina did all those things of her own choice and will and she needs to fucking accept that. 

AND THEN, she doesn’t even let Lilith give her answers or explanations. Which is just stupid. Even if she lied, even if Sabrina concluded she was lying, you STILL HAVE TO HEAR HER OUT TO SEE IF THINGS MAKE SENSE. And Lilith does try to answer her, but Sabrina doesn’t give her a chance because she’s too empowered by her own sense of self-entitlement and self-righteousness. 

“Who’s bidding are you doing? My Father’s? The Dark Lord’s? Your own?” “Don’t be ridic-”

Lilith is cut off here, which is a stupid point to cut her off at. She looks so indignant at the thought of anyone thinking this ‘hail Sabrina’ shit was her idea. She stays silent until Sabrina suggests she’s doing it all at her own behest, so the fact that’s where she protests means she is following someone’s instructions, and if Sabrina had any sense in this moment, she would want to hear her out. 

But no, this is where Lilith gets bound. And considering Nick is also doing the Dark Lord’s bidding and he cuts Lilith off before she could answer is very interesting timing and does make you wonder. 

“is that?” “The rib you were using to control the scarecrow who tried to kill me? Why, yes, it is”

The one accusation that is solid in this whole conversation; yes, Lilith did send a monster to try and kill Sabrina. And that is why I would understand Sabrina and Nick using the rib to bind Lilith’s powers so she couldn’t use them against them, or binding her so she couldn’t harm them. However, I do not understand or accept binding a woman so she cannot move or do anything unless a man lets her. Nick takes away her entire autonomy, what he does to Lilith is no different to what Blackwood did to Zelda, it’s just of a different variety. And the fact Sabrina, Little-Miss-I-Know-What’s-Right, thinks this is okay is shocking and abhorrent. 

No woman, no matter who she is, should have her autonomy taken away by a man, her entire body controlled and under the control of a man, with no freedom to escape or defend herself. Like, no one should think that’s okay. And the fact the writers/director have Nick use the exact same body language with Lilith in the later scene as they have Lucifer use on Lilith in the finale shows that even they are showing the parallels and therefore that it’s not meant to be considered a good thing. We’re meant to feel uncomfortable...and yet I know there are people out there who support it. Which gives me the fucking wig to say the least.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”

Lilith looks so tired here, like I don’t care I don’t know, all I was planning was to get rid of you so I could punish the Dark Lord and I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this shit anymore. I think it’s entirely possible Lilith is fed up of the accusations being thrown at her, but considering how she is often viewed by a lot of the world and the stories written about her, she’s probably very used to being accused of shit and having blame thrown on her. Doesn’t mean she’s not fucking tired of it though. 

“So you could control it and kill me”

No, no Sabrina you’re only half-right. Lilith had no interest in controlling the mandrake, just in killing you. And if you’d stop jumping the gun and interrupting her and asking questions without letting her fucking answer, maybe you’d find that out. 

“I don’t know if it even exists. I haven’t seen it, I swear”

I love Lilith’s honesty here, because it’s such a frank and tired honesty. She has no fucking need to lie because she’s lost Sabrina’s trust and she really doesn’t care about the Dark Lord’s plan for her, but she looks so increasingly annoyed, because it doesn’t matter what Lilith fucking says, Sabrina has decided not to believe her, instead of calming down, looking at the evidence, and considering everything to come to the right conclusion. I mean if she hadn’t dimissed Lilith entirely here, maybe she wouldn’t have gone killing her mandrake self and brought about the bloody prophecy, just saying. 

“Keep her bound until I come back”

Oh lovely Sabrina. Just leave a woman at the entire mercy of a man. Nick could do whatever the fuck he liked while you were gone and Lilith wouldn’t be able to do anything about it, and anyone can see how much Nick is already really enjoying doing this binding spell. I’m sorry, it’s just...why would someone who believes in being ‘right’ and ‘not evil’ and is all about women’s rights and defending those who get hurt, be happy to have a woman in this situation. Especially when she hasn’t even let her explain the whole story. But then, we see how much Sabrina doesn’t note what Zelda goes through with Blackwood and in the tie-in novels she actually throws Zelda’s suffering in her face, so there we go. 

Lilith, up until this moment, has looked mostly tense, aggravated, annoyed, but the moment Sabrina says she’s leaving and Nick is to stay here and ‘keep her bound’, we see actual fear flash in Lilith eye’s and then she asks, worriedly, ‘where are you going?’

 I have gone in depth on this moment before with images and GIFs for references, so this will only be brief, but Lilith is genuinely afraid to be left alone with her autonomy entirely taken into the hands of a man. And that’s not surprising considering her experiences with the False God, with First Adam, with the Dark Lord...Lilith has been abused by men before, been powerless before, and the idea of being left bound, trapped and powerless at the hands of a man here, is making her afraid. And we could even consider that as Eve had the rib inside her from Adam so Adam probably had the same power over Eve that Nick now has over Lilith....that makes things even worse, because Lilith no doubt saw what Eve suffered. Like this is triggering so much fear and past experiences in Lilith and Sabrina, not only isn’t noticing this, she’s totally happy to leave her. 

“I’m going to find and kill my double. And then I’ll be back to kill you”

Oh ffs, fuck off. This moment drives me so mad. Because, for one, as far as she knows ‘Ms Wardwell’ is just a witch which means she’s a person/human of sorts, and therefore killing her is murder. Outright fucking murder. The thing her family are always telling her to be careful about, because once you do it you can’t take it back. And even if we reason murder has been normalised when it’s for the ‘right reasons’, Sabrina has always acted as if she’s better than that. Like no, that’s wrong. ‘All life is precious’ she told Prudence, adding that even the life of someone who tried to kill her is precious and worth saving and what not. Yet, here, oh no, totally okay to kill someone. The life of Sabrina’s teacher is apparently not precious at all now it suits her to think otherwise. Such hypocrisy and double-standards drives me mad, especially when it’s delivered with such fucking arrogance. Admittedly, Kiernan does it brilliantly. 

“Sabrina, wait-”

Lilith tries to get her not to leave, and by the way she says it, it looks like she was trying to tell her something, quite possibly that killing the mandrake will fulfils the prophecy (after all, Lilith no more wanted it to happen than Sabrina did. She just resigns herself to it after Sabrina leaves...until she finds out she won’t be Queen haha), but nope she’s cut off again by Nick. What is the point of confronting someone if you don’t hear what they have to say??

And then how much Nick looks like he’s fucking loving it, enjoying every moment, when he binds the rib even tighter and we see him cause Lilith physically pain. She is currently powerless to whatever whims or desires he have, and he just decides to torture essentially. And looks like he is really loving it. It’s such a fucking parallel to the Dark Lord, and is obviously a foreshadowing for the fact he become’s the Dark Lord’s acheron/vessel.