#i suck at describe things..

[inkskinned]

i'm still trying to piece together the truth of it. when you left, you said: feel free to spin this narrative however you want. i have no idea if you were being cruel or if you just genuinely don't remember what you've done to me.

it's hard because i'd done so much of the work for you. i had seen the parts that flaked off, the rust underneath. i started separating you into two people - the one i loved, and the one who hurt me. i had this fantasy version of you - my partner - and then i had this stranger, a third person who would show up randomly to shatter me. i am deliriously glad i'm no longer with "the stranger". i miss the gentle (unreal?) "other" you terribly.

at first, i was so strict about my boundaries. i remember telling you to get the fuck out of my house if you were going to talk to me like that. by the end: i would justify your behavior for you, accepting even your mistreatment as "my fault" in the grand scheme. i look back on the person i was before you - smart, independent, confident - and i feel a strange sense of detachment. i don't even recognize me.

even in one of our last conversations, you said: if you want a partner that always talks warmly to you, find someone else. there was a time that a comment like that would have made me leave. and instead, somehow, i just placidly accepted that kind of thing. you were literally telling me that i wasn't allowed to have a reaction to your cruelty - and i just took it, because you'd so fully turned things around on me.

when people are faced with irrationality, a rational brain tries to make sense of it. this is the trap. they're lovely in the morning, gentle and blue-eyed and sweet. like nothing even happened, they breeze around the house and kiss you on the mouth. but at night; who is that? they snap almost randomly; flying into an impotent rage about just-about-anything. it just doesn't make sense. so the problem must be me, and my brain, and how i think.

the traumatized brain just wants peace. so maybe i'm misremembering. maybe you were just having a bad day. maybe it's actually me.

you eventually would fully turn on me and start implying that i am the bad actor in our relationship. that's what happens, right? that's literally in the playbook. you went to therapy for all of a month, told her a half-truth, co-opted therapyspeak. you figured out how to reframe your actions as "seeking peace." any time i stood my ground, i was "gaslighting." when i asked you to be more gentle, you said i was "tone policing." you said, randomly, i had emotionally manipulated you - i still have no idea what that's even specifically referring to. maybe my consistent requests for calmness and empathy?

and while i literally know better, and i'm sitting here, trained by you, thinking: wait, fuck. was i actually the person you made me out to be?

and the thing that scares me is that i literally do not know if you ever actually saw what you were doing to me. when you'd tell me how you remember arguments, you'd always summarize them in a way where you come off as gentle and easy: "i was trying to set an important boundary." what had actually happened was 15 minutes of you shouting at me i know you did something shady, just admit it already. eventually you'd say my reaction to your shouting (when i finally reacted, which usually happened around hour three) was inevitably "disappointing" and "another way i'm silencing your feelings."

how many times did i ask you - beg you - to just take accountability? looking back, i don't think i ever heard you say: you're right. the way i talked to you was wrong of me.

i am trying to tie together the two people into a full version of you in my head. yes, you made my coffee and made me laugh and spent hours on the phone with me. and yes - you would scream at me until i had to run away and hide behind something.

i wish i did have a narrative i could pull out and shape to my whim. i wish i did have some semblance of reality. instead i just stand here, strange and vibrating, wondering: what the fuck just happened?

[thepringlesofblood]

feel free to add more, I just think it's funny that there's at least 3 musicals that have a 'high school is extremely bad' song and in 2 of them multiple teenagers die and in all 3 multiple teenagers get grievously injured. like they weren't kidding that high school really do hell.

[thenamesapollo]

i got reminded of an old post I made saying that nightmare can't be a capitalist and I'm just realizing now that I WAS WOOBIFYING HIM

[mnt-artss]

my one hundred billionth au concept for marshall

[swingfromthegallery]

Why we gotta be in a rush,👏my watch is just for decoration 👏

(Paramore Running Out of Time music video but the pocket watches are all My pocket watches 🙂‍↕️)

[fluffydeoxys]

raghghh i fucking finished it YIPPE!!!! okay well finished is generous this thing will always be changing. but it was funny to see ripping out half of the gdoc content/word count and replacing it with entirely new stuff when I thought "surely I can't write that much again." anyway!

zero's new and improved google doc! hurrah!

i'll add it to my pinned later once I make a masterpost document that catalogues all my characters. I'll write something up for Rory too, albeit it'd probably just be a personality summary and some trivia bits. maybe a loose history outline as well

i wanna write a bit about jeb and sheriff in there cus I think she has something pretty interesting with them too. i need to draw em little icons and probably redo the rest anyway. still need to think of smth for bossman and q-bert and probably expand a little more on her thoughts on the arena cast. I'm not as good with headcanoning those little guys besides skinner, dave and pava (for some reason. all because of a funny accidental thing I did in game)

anyway! if ya have any questions, i'd love to answer asks! I'm gonna be chipping away and refining it periodically, and I'm a lot happier with this revision!

[coin-z3fs]

After the 15-year timeskip, Aaron feels guilty every time he looks at Dante because the longing in his eyes won't go away, so he keeps helping Nana with anything and everything as a nonverbal apology. He'd help her bake, go out and pick fruits for her, play with Nekoette more, anything as long as he can communicate how sorry he is that he can't let go of Dante, even if Nana doesn't know.

It gets so bad to the point he doesn't even want to be in the near vicinity of Dante. Aaron would sense the guards' footsteps or hear his voice and immediately runs for it.

He hates how he still loves him.

[vaguely-concerned]

kill me

(*wobbly tearstained voice* this is father & son richard plantagenet in henry vi part 3 1983 dir jane howell btw. which is. extremely good)

[son-of-avraham]

So I'm doing a bit of a kosher run again on stardew and as such, I decided to do two bedrooms for me and my wife. It's funny to see how underwhelming my room is in comparison though 😭

[zappedbyzabka]

This is his ‘I never have to pay for drinks or dinner’ move.

[danzainosolitude]

Once again I read fanfiction that seems to have been precisely written to deal psychic damage to me.

[altarfates]

i'm still working out how tf to write grim bc im like yeah he makes gambling references wowwee but he also gives me vibes i cannot explain so im just gonna write him like this

[official-susie-deltarune]

being absolutely dogshit at wording and describing things while being a writer is truly a terrible combo

[balkanlila]

colette's tags on that lw gifset are so endearing to me because her thinking that way is exactly what made me consider how something like a beautiful smile could be important enough to be written about instead of constantly trying to find something bigger than myself to deal with in order to justify my existence. well, a smile can be bigger than you too.

[jimmyspades]

Do you think about the lip movement/twitch James Spader does when his characters are thinking a lot?

Bc I sure do (too much)

The tongue roll thing 😍😍 I could write a million words about it..... but why don't we just look at him instead 😌