#i studied 26 hours this week and it's still not enough

[maenecoon]

just a lil fic i'd worked on in around august/sept... god do i miss writing >~<

[gothicfied]

THE DEVIL IN YOUR EYES WON'T DENY THE LIES

Pairing: Jude Bellingham x fem!reader, best friends to ???

Summary: Even though it seems like Jude and you were always destined to be with each other, he wouldn't realize it until someone said it directly to his face. After months on plotting on your best friend, who drops hints here and there even if he didn't want to, he is now suddenly rumored to be mingling with another girl. She can't stand your guts and she'll make sure you know that.

Word Count: ~6.5k

Reading Time: ~26 minutes

Warnings: Mentions of drinking alcohol, Jude is kinda an asshole but not really, girl on girl hate, reader is struggling with her feelings for 99% of the time, Jude's stupid and proves himself to be stupid multiple times, mutual pining (if you squint), no happy ending/it's an open ending, not proof read (English isn't my first language)

A/N: omg seriously, I don't know what possessed me to do this. This is unnecessarily long and tbh I've never written a fanfic this long before. This took like a week and I think you can notice that in the way my quality of writing deteriorates LMAOOO sorry, the ending fell a bit flat, but I just didn't have the motivation anymore, especially after the literal DEVASTATING news of Lukita leaving the club????This calls for a part 2 tho, but only if it's really wanted this time. Title are lyrics from "back to friends" by sombr lolololol

It wasn't always easy being linked to one of the most popular footballers in the world. Even if the public was hit in the face with the fact that you and Jude were just friends, they wouldn't get it. And, it wasn't even like you guys never clarified it. In every interview, the footballer was asked at least once or twice about you and you couldn't even post an instagram story without people flooding your DM's with questions like:

"are you Jude's girlfriend???"

"can you guys just make it public?"

"you know it's legal, right?"

You and Jude. Well, you go way back. Okay, however far 'way back' goes with only 21 years of age. You had transferred schools in 6th grade and while everyone kind of ignored you on your first day, Jude didn't. He sat next to you in class, did group projects with you when no one else seemed to want to partner up with you, ate lunch with you when the only two friends you had were sick or just not in school... there were a lot of things he did out of pure kindness and platonic love that helped you through middle school. It wasn't like you were bullied or purposefully left out, it just seemed like you were to unnoticeable.

The two of you were inseparable by the time highschool started. Jude was doing the most with his talent in football and you were always right there cheering him on. His family loved you, your family loved him, it was almost like a future together was already carved out for you. You'd comfort him after a horrible loss, Jude would stay up hours just to study with you in your worst subject, and the both of you would sometimes sneak out to the park on random summer nights to stargaze. That's where the heavy stuff was shared.

"You have no idea.. I feel so secondary to my sister." You complained after your parents forgot one of your hockey games again, just because your younger sister had this math exam she so desperately needed to study for, with both mom and dad. Bullshit. She knew she was good enough and yet she still threw a fuss, just to annoy you. That's the kind of person she was: an attention seeker. "Shut up," Jude barked back, but there was no actually bite to his words, "you're not secondary to anyone! I'm being serious, your parents and sister are the problem. Not you." He slowly turned his gaze away from the night sky, stars shining as bright as they could in the light pollution of the city. "I'm just... Thank you for being there. Even if we didn't win." You also turned your head in his direction and met his eyes, ones so pretty you thought you were going to choke on your own spit. "You're always there for me, too. I'd be stupid if I missed your games!"

The first very big change came with Jude's transfer to Borussia Dortmund. Really, Germany?

You cried, and cried.. and cried some more when the day finally came where he had to move, to pursue is dreams. Sure, they were mostly tears of sadness and frustration and maybe you were a little mad at him, but you couldn't deny the proud feeling you had when you saw his debut. Jude in this big stadium with an even bigger fanbase cheering him on felt so right. He deserved it all, because you knew how much sweat, blood and tears were already invested into his football career.

But don't think he had forgotten about you! Anytime you could because of school and stuff, Jude would fly you out to his games. Proudly, you wore the last name 'Bellingham' on the back of your jersey, which always fell quite a bit too big on you. The footballer insisted on giving you his shirts after a game.. That just meant you had to wash the god damn thing four or five times to get all the sweat and the smell of grass out of it. Denise, Jude's mom, thought it was the cutest thing ever, always taking pictures of you whenever you attended a game with her.

Truth be told, Denise was more of a mom to you than your own parents. As the oldest, you felt left out and ignored by your parents because of your sister anyway, but when your baby brother was born, it was like you didn't exist for them anymore. Then, it kind of turned into a tradition for you to spend days like New Years at Jude's house. His father, Mark, helped you with your Uni applications and Jobe, his younger brother, had always treated you like family anyway.

It didn't come to a suprise that they'd take you on vacation, too. One time, there was a mix up with the rooms and, no matter how much Mark and Denise begged Jobe to just share the room with his older brother for a few days until things got sorted out, he flat out refused. "No! He's messy, leaves his clothes everywhere and kicks me in his sleep! I'm not doing that again."

Now that you were sharing the hotel room with Jude, you started to wonder how this shit would mess with your feelings about him. Yeah.. you may or may not have developed a slight crush on your best friend in the last couple of months, fueled by the tiktoks people made about the two of you. Jude was obviously not ashamed to post you in his story whenever you were together, apparently giving people the impression that there was something more going on. Oh, you wished it was like that.

You were sharing a bed. It was very late at night and all you could think about was one Insta gossip page posting about yours and Jude friendship... relationship? It was on your feed, it's not like you intentionally searched for it! You were quickly ripped from your thoughts when you felt a large hand slide over your stomach and pull you closer as soon as the half-awake Jude realized it was you that he grabbed and not a pillow. After that, he went right back to snoring. No shot he'd remeber doing this the morning after, but you were just giggling to yourself now. He likes you... he just has to!

The whole sharing-a-room-on-vacation thing became a tradition, too. You obviously didn't mind it, Jude didn't either. Whenever he thought you were sleeping, which you sometimes even were, he'd carefully put his arms around your neck or waist or anything and hold you close until he fell asleep himself. Then, the next morning, he'd act as if he was just as suprised as you at the way you both were tangled up in bed.

It also became your reality when he transferred to Real Madrid. Wow, Spain. This was it. Hopefully his club forever, since you were a big fan, too. Jude's debut there was nothing short of breathtaking, and skipping Uni to come down to Spain was all worth it — Especially for the hug he gave you after he sought you out in the tunnel. He ran to you like a little child to his mother, picked you up and spun you around while all you could do was squeal and laugh. You couldn't even try to pry yourself from his grip, not that you wanted to anyway. The post match interview was surely interesting.

"And, tell us, who's your biggest supporter outside your family? Probably the girl you've been taking with you everywhere you go, huh?" The interviewer of some sport programm you didn't know asked Jude, to which he just laughed and scratched the back of his neck. "Yes, yes! Her, of course.. who else?" He looked nervous when answering that question. And he was, definitely in that moment, because he felt like the whole world was watching him trying to not make it obvious that he had a huge thing for you. "Girlfriend?" The interviewer asked again, to which he shook his head: "Oh, nooo... I love her, you know, but we're best friends. Not.. Not together."

This brings you to now. Laying in the bed of the guestroom in his huge house in Madrid. It's summer and even the nights here have you sweating like no tomorrow. Not only that, but you can't sleep. You stare at your phone with your instagram feed open, a picture of you and Jude plasted right on the screen with the all-too-well-known 'Owkayy' starting the rampage this WAG fan account was always on. It's a picture of the both of you right after Real Madrid won the Champions League just a little over a month ago, with Jude staring down at you like he was dying to kiss you. Next slide was a picture of you comforting him after the loss against Spain in the EUROs just like two weeks ago. You'll never escape the rumors.

Everyone and their mom was convinced you belonged to each other. And, that thought made you so happy, you could even overlook the threats his fan girls sent you in your DMs. Who cares what they think, right? Everybody on the planet thinks you'll be with him!

There was this one other thing, though. Because obviously, you couldn't even have one thing to yourself in your life.

This influencer from the States, Amy or whatever her name was, you didn't really care enough to look, has been linked to Jude more often than you wanted.

Truth is, obviously you cared enough to look. Amy Samuels, 25 years old, beauty influencer, lives in New York, has two brothers and a step-sister, models in her spare time... She was everything you're not.

She was this beautiful blonde girl with the most piercing green eyes you had ever seen, her makeup always looked flawless and worst of all, she seemed down to earth. You thought maybe she was one of those unlikable, snobby instagram models slash influencers slash entrepreneurs, but no. She was a family person, had a cute dog she always posts picrures of and actually did her job pretty well.

You knew better than to let yourself get fooled by the image she puts up on social media, but her smile made it hard to forget that she seemed to be absolutely perfect. How Amy and Jude even got to know each other personally, you don't know. It must've happened over last summer or something, the time where you couldn't come to visit him, but had to stay home because of school stuff. And well, frankly because your life revolves around more than just Jude Bellingham.

There's countless of instagram stories she uploded with the same location tagged at the same time when he was there. One location in particular, you recognized right away: His bathroom. Not the bathroom of the guestroom, or the normal one out on the hallway, no. His. Bathroom. It made your blood boil. But why? In the end, isn't it your own fault for not telling him about your feelings sooner? On the other hand, he's been leading you on. You were so convinced you guys were soulmates, practically made for each other.

The emotional bond between you seemed to never loosen, no matter what you guys were put through. There were times where your friendship was definitely tested: that one toxic ex boyfriend you had in 11th grade, who absolutely refused to let you be friends with any male. When you tried to explain that to Jude, he was ready to go beat that guy up. He'd never tell you how relieved he was when you showed up crying at his doorstep, because you finally gathered the courage to break up with him.

"I feel.. I feel like—" You paused and sniffled hard, tears streaming down your face and there was nothing Jude could do to stop it. "such an idiot." To say he was startled to have you text him so late at night, asking if he was still awake because you really, really, really needed him right now was an understatement. But, thankfully he managed to smuggle you into his room without waking anyone in the house. Now you're just sitting on his bed, pouring your heart out about everything your now-ex had done to you in the last few months. Jude held you close, extremely close that night. After about an hour of violently crying into his chest, you had falled asleep to the sound of his heartbeat. The boy was wide awake, though, and surely didn't get any sleep at all. He cradled your face to his chest, his fingers gently threading through your hair to calm you down whenever you'd slightly stirr awake again. He felt so many emotions in that moment, mostly because he always thought he was the worst at comforting people, but you seemed to feel safe enough to fall asleep in his arms. That's what counted to Jude.

You were there when Dortmund lost in the UCL final to comfort him when he cried on your shoulder after getting in the car. The whole car ride long, you held his hand, telling him how good he played regardless and that the trophy is going to be his next season. Jude didn't reply. He stared out of the window, but you didn't mind. Back in the hotel room, he hugged you for what felt like an eternity, thanked you and kissed you on your forehead. Yeah, you guys have been through the worst.

Jude took you to any award ceremony as his plus one. For the longest time, a picture of the two of you on the night he won The Golden Boy Award was his lockscreen. And now? He's going to throw that away. His obvious feelings for you. He's not going to stop you whenever you kiss him on the cheek, hold his hand, sleep in the same bed as him. He won't correct himself when other people refer to you as his girlfriend and he'll laugh along whenever his parents call you their 'daughter-in-law'.

Oh, what a fucking asshole he is.

You think back to the time where Jude told you about a 'new acquaintance' he made while on a trip in New York. He'd talk about Amy from time to time, naming her a friend of his and sometimes you'd even see her at functions or parties or when going out with his friends. Somehow, she was always there. You never really thought anything of it, until those Instagram stories started to pop up and new rumors about Jude's dating life started to bubble. Suddenly, everyone around you was asking the same thing: 'Aren't you guys together?'

...

You woke up just as cranky as when you fell asleep with your phone in hand, the clock on the wall ticking being the only sound that filled the room. Denise was out of the country, just to visit Jobe for an exchange and to 'leave the house for you and Jude' wink, wink. God, how was it already this warm outside? August in Spain was no joke. You woke up sweating and you went to bed sweating, no matter how much deodorant you put on or if you showered like three times.

It was already 11am when you stepped out of the shower and brushed through your wet hair to let it air dry. You haven't heard a single peep from Jude yet, but maybe he was just letting you sleep in.

Your suspicions were proven to be true, when you made your way downstairs to find him making breakfast. The sound of your bare feet against the glass steps made Jude cock his head in your direction, smiling sweetly when getting a glimpse of you. "Thought you died up there, not gonna lie." He chuckled, but you were really not in the mood for it right now. Instead, you just groaned in slight annoyance and sat down on the couch, which was right in front of the open kitchen.

"Okay.." Jude came up to you, plate in hand. It was an attempt at making you your favorite bagel, which he's been trying to get right ever since you came back from your vacation in the US, craving it.

"Not funny?"

"No?"

"What's up with you today?"

"I just— Didn't sleep well, that's all."

After you took the plate out of his hand, Jude sat down next to you, stretching like he had just worked a 12-hour-shift just to sneakily put his arm around your shoulders. You were wearing one of his jerseys, but he still 'had' to push your hair to the front to check if it was his last name on your back. "It looks really good on you, you know?" Whatever you might've seen last night, no matter how mad you were at him or how frustrated you were with your feelings, that comment made you smile. You really tried not to, you tried looking away and pretend like the pool outside was more interesting than this conversation, but of course, Jude picked up on that. "I mean it."

"Yeah, yeah..." You rolled your eyes, "Thank you."

While you guys were having breakfast, Jude mentioned some party one of his new friends here in Madrid were throwing, even though he said it was more like a hangout with friends than an occasion to get super drunk. He obviously wanted you to come with, to which you first complained about: Those were his friends, not yours. You already knew you were probably going to be left out and it will just turn boring super quickly. Although Jude's spanish wasn't great, he at least knew some. Also, you were so sure she was going to be there too. Especially when he said there won't be just his spanish friends there.

"Look, they really wanna meet you. All of them." You gave him a weird look, sipping on your water. "You're a liar." What on earth could he have told them about you to make them so interested. There was nothing to you, except the occasional rumors about the relationship between the two of you. You led your own private life and you were happy with it. "Come on, it'll be fun. I swear." You really shouldn't. "If you feel uncomfortable, we'll leave."

"Oh my god, fine."

...

It was just as you had predicted. Your best friend of the night was the host's, Rafael's, dog. The golden retriever was resting his head on your lap while you admired his beautifully soft, golden fur. Every now and then you heard your name in a conversation others were having in spanish, followed by a question stringed out in bad english, about your life and football. The ones who also didn't speak the common language in the house were somehow still incorporated into the conversation. Maybe it was you, maybe it was the fact that you didn't really want to be there and others caught up on that. Or maybe it was because all your attention lied on Jude and Amy, who had been having a conversation for at least 20 minutes in the kitchen now.

You knew you shouldn't sit there and feel sorry for yourself, because it was pathetic and stupid. Why get so worked up because of a boy? You're not his girlfriend, not his situationship, not his talking stage. A right to be jealous of some random girl never existed. Weird feelings brewed in you, like you're going to explode if they don't stop. She's giggling at his jokes, touching his arm in a specific way that made your stomach turn, and he was entertaining all of it.

You were staring for too long, apparently. Long enough for Amy to notice. When her eyes locked onto yours, it's like all the life disappeared out of them. Her expression immediately turned sour, filled with condescension and some type of disgust, you were pretty sure. Quickly, you turned your head away from their direction, rather focusing on the dog laying in your lap. Amy, on the other hand, decided she didn't want you to ever lay your eyes on them together again, taking Jude by the arm and dragging him to god knows where. You didn't notice, you didn't even dare to look back after a few minutes. Your face felt hot, like shame had been written on your forehead with a red sharpie.

"Here, I made this for you. You kind of look like you need it." Said a girl who suddenly popped up next to you on the couch. Most other people have started lounging around outside, so it had quieted down significantly. In her hand was a drink and first you thought about taking it twice, since she was a stranger and all. "Take it. It's not poisoned or anything." So you did.

The girl introduced herself as Mirabell, a friend of a friend of someone here you didn't know. But she knew you.

"You're Judes Girlfriend.. right?" Mirabell asked very carefully, like she was dreading the answer to the question already. "What? Oh, no. We're best friends." Your response made her sigh relief and laugh, lightly hitting your shoulder. "Jesus! Thank god you are. I really didn't want to explain how he had taken off with Amy. Like, you know, as if he was cheating. But he isn't! Because you're not a couple!" At this point you were pretty sure she shouldn't drink any more alcohol.

Mirabell turned out to be very nice and funny, and finally someone who was willing to have a normal conversation with you. She was also the one who dragged you outside, after you got tipsy enough to not be so shy anymore, and properly introduced you to her friends. After literal hours, you felt like you at least had a right to be here.

At some point, it was just you again, leaning over the railing of the balcony and watching the small cars drive by on the streets beneath you. The alcohol flowing through your veins made it feel like you were way higher up than you actually were, making you grip the metal under your fingers like you'd fall if you didn't. You let your eyes sheepishly wander over the scenery in front of you, taking in the cold breeze of the night that came like blessing in the usual warm weather. It was so peaceful and quiet, with no one bothering you. It almost made you forget all your worries. Almost.

You were promptly ripped out of your thoughts when you heard the balcony door slide open and someone step out. "You okay?" A familiar voice rang through your ears, and thankfully you weren't quite drunk enough to not recognize who it was. "Yeah, don't worry about me." You replied to Jude's question, turning around to face him. He had a small smile on his face while eyeing you up and down.

"Come on, let's go."

"Wait, why?"

"I didn't get to spend time with you at all. And, I'm sorry for that. Let's go back home and maybe we can get something to eat on the way?"

Your interest was piqued when you realized he must've actually felt bad leaving you all alone to go with this... girl. After a moment of pondering, you agreed and let him drag you through the apartment by your hand, obviously planning to make an irish exit.

"Jude wait! Where are you going?" Oh great. You could've recognized that voice from anywhere. Embarrasingly so. It was just that you had to watch every one of her Reels to check if there was actually nothing wrong with her. And sadly, maybe sadly, her content was actually quite enjoyable. Amy yanked at his arm, the one with which he was still holding you hand, making him let go of you. You quickly whipped your head around, giving her a look like she had just insulted your mother with that gesture, but Amy didn't seem like she even cared enough to look your way.

"We're going home?" Jude replied in a matter-of-factly way, making Amy giggle nervously. "But why? I thought.. you know, I'd come over later. Why are you taking her with you?" Her eyes first dropped down to your shoes, than your shorts and top and finally your face. That short moment alone made you feel so small in her presence alone, especially when she looked at you like you were an alien. You didn't even know women could hate other women this much. She didn't even know you.

Jude, while being a man, didn't let that go as unnoticed as the blonde probably would've liked, and removed his arm from her grip. "She's literally staying with me. Didn't I explain that to you?" Amy tried playing it off again with a laugh and apologized.

After a bit of small talk, where she interrogated you about your friendship with Jude, while he was getting your jackets, you were finally out of there. Amy's words stung more than you liked to admit. Even if you didn't have a crush on Jude, even if you weren't jealous of her, no one wants to hear that. And even if with the confidence given by the couple of drinks you had, you still couldn't stand up for yourself. Reason number one billion why you felt so pathetic.

...

"Sooo, did you still have fun without me? I know, hard to imagine you can, right?"

You didn't say anything.

"That was a joke."

"I know it was. And I did."

He didn't say anything.

"Yes I did too! Thank you for asking!"

"Sorry."

The whole car ride back to Jude's place felt off and awkward. He wasn't stupid. He knew why. Maybe not to the extend where he could come to the conclusion that you liked him, but he knew it was something about Amy.

Seeing you so slumped in your car seat made him knit his eyebrows together. It was like a war was going on inside of him: Did he like you... or did he like her? He's 21 and can't even figure his love life out. This felt like some highschool bullshit that he really didn't want to to deal with anymore.

In the next couple of days, he tried not to bring Amy up again. He used to, in some conversations at least or he'd even ask you what you think her favorite flowers were, or what kind of jewelry would fit her aesthetic. Jude thought you were just sensitive to the topic because you were jealous she got more attention than you did. Did you really think a man would be smart enough to realize any of his mistakes here?

Two nights later, you were on the phone with your girl best friend back at home, Alicia. You had already cried your heart out to her in the past, complaining about how Jude was giving you such mixed signals and then pretended like nothing happened the next day. "Girl, I'm being serious. You have to set things straight or else it'll tear you apart." She said, sounding tired and concerned. You hated bothering her so much with your stupid problems that actually had an easy fix.

"Oh my fucking god," You mumbled to yourself, half asleep, half still focusing on the chat with Mirabell. It was way too late to function correctly, but when your new friend texted you 20 minutes ago with an invitation to go to the club with her, you woke up a little again. Should you come along? Maybe you'd meet someone to get your mind off if him.

You sighed and texted her back: "Yeah, sounds great!"

...

Carefully, you walked down the stairs in your heels, already regretting your decision to wear them. Jude was waiting for you at the front door, focused on his phone while his fingers tapped away at the screen. He looked good. Too good for your liking. With his shirt buttoned down a bit, shorts hanging low and sunglasses resting on the bridge of his nose, you could think he was doing it on purpose. The sound of your heels clicking against the floor made him lift his head in your direction and grin.

"Woah," Jude chuckled, feigning shock at how good you looked. "You look.. amazing tonight. Who are you trying to impress?" That line alone proved to you that he was an idiot. A complete idiot you've been wasting you time on. On the other hand, you would be lying if you said his compliments didn't make your heart flutter. It was so odd: Jude looked at you like you were the light of his life, gave you compliments like you were the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, yet he'll still immediately turn his back on you when he spots Amy at the club. "Thank you."

You tried to pretend like everything was normal, engaging in your usual banter while on the way to the spot y'all had agreed to meet up at. It was hard to ignore your feelings, not only for him but about this situation as a whole. In your mind, you were overreacting or even exaggerating your own problems to justify feeling bad for yourself. These were your last three days in Spain and you also just felt awful treating Jude in a way he didn't deserve, since he didn't really do anything wrong.

The feelings of shame and anger, mixed with a fun group of people, music and alcohol was calling for a disaster. Immediately after getting together with the group, you shifted your focus on Mirabell and other people, just to save yourself from the venomous looks Amy gave you.

You definitely had your fun getting to know new people, drinking and vibing to the music. Rafael, the guy from a few days ago, was very obviously hitting on you and was great at making you feel comfortable around him.

Maybe a little too comfortable.

Seeing Amy basically sit on Jude's lap in the booth next to you made all the feelings you've been bottling up the past week spill over. Right when Rafael took you to the bar to get a new drink, he noticed how your mood had dropped. And after asking if everything's okay, you couldn't hold it in anymore. While you didn't cry, you did complain about the situation quite a bit, very emotionally.

"Yeah, I kinda knew he was an asshole," Rafael said while looking down at you. You were leaning against the wall next to the emergency exit, where things were a little quieter than at your booth. "I know that now, too." You didn't know if the last Lemon Drop you had was making you feel like you were going to throw up or if the situation just upset you this much.

You wished you didn't care for it. You wished you were nonchalant enough to let these last few days pass over and then crash out when you're back home. But you weren't and you won't. Rafael, while only really knowing you for two hours, tried his best to comfort you.

What you didn't see was how Jude eventually approached you guys out of nowhere, seemingly annoyed 'catching' you with one of his good friends. It wasn't for that reason that he came up to you, though: "Hey.." He slightly yelled over the volume of the music. You could feel the bass boost in your whole body. Jude looked at Rafael and then back to you, confused, irritated maybe, but it also seemed like he was in a hurry. "What?" Rafael responded back, doing you a favor of speaking for you when you clearly couldn't. "Is she okay? I just want to talk to her." The Spaniard in front of you gestures Jude to come closer in an annoyed manner, because he couldn't hear him. After repeating himself for like three times, which Rafael was making him do on purpose given his smirk, Jude just gave up and leaned to you.

"I... Me and Amy are gonna leave and walk around in the city for a bit. Do you need me to drive you back?"

"I'll take her back to yours."

Jude shot his friend a glare, but you just agreed with Rafael. The look they gave each other was enough to kill.

"Go. That girl is waiting for you, isn't she?"

Rafael gestured to Amy who was just standing a few meters away. That stupid grin on her face made your blood boil.

...

What was up with you? Jude couldn't make a single thing out. The past week you've been acting so strange and he missed you. Missed the old you. He thought that might be corny, since this is probably something easily fixable, but he couldn't help thinking that way. What had upset you so much? Why did his own friend seem so annoyed with him?

Amy and Jude were strolling alongside a river and she kept pretending she was almost too drunk to walk, purposefully falling over to grip his arm. She was talking about some thing her girl friends did without her — Like a brunch or something. He didn't really care and didn't make the effort to at least look like he was interested. His thoughts lied on you and if Rafael really took you back home. What if he didn't? What if you liked him enough to go back to his place? What would he do if one of his friends would be interested in you? What would he—

"Jude!" Amy snapped her fingers in his face to get him out of his trance. "God, what is up with you? Is your alcohol tolerance that low?" She was clearly joking, but Jude didn't laugh alongside her. He made a comment about how she should never even dare to snap her fingers at him like that again and that he's seen her do it multiple times now. "That's serious not okay." Jude said, "people around you aren't dogs."

Only silence followed that.

Suddenly, after he kind of destroyed the mood, Amy seemed to be able to walk just fine on her own. It made Jude scoff.

"Don't tell me you're seriously thinking about her." Her tone was so foul, it gave Jude goosebumps. "Seriously! Oh my god, you can't be serious!" She raised her voice, "She? Her? That girl? Are you serious?" Up until this point none of the two had even talked about you for one second. That Amy immediately knew what Jude was thinking about made him think.

"Amy," Jude stopped dead in his tracks, pulling her back by her hand as she tries to keep walking. "What the fuck is your problem?" Now his tone was bitter. Ever since the two of them got to know each other, there always seemed to be a certain dislike towards you from Amy and he really didn't understand why. How could anyone hate you? Ever?

"What? In general or with her?" Amy tried making light out of the situation again, laughing like he just made one of his stupid jokes again. Was it insecurity? Did you make her feel insecure? The longer Jude looked at her, the less he understood his own actions. His feelings? his decisions, his past.. they don't lead to her. Nowhere even near her. What the fuck was his problem?

"You are.. you are so selfish. Do you know that? Actually, I think your just mean," Jude took a deep breath, "You're miserable, is that it? I don't have another explanation for your behavior around other women. She's my best friend and you've only ever talked crap about her." Amy's face didn't drop in the slightest. No, it seemed like has been preparing for the conversation.

"What are you yelling at me for? She's the one cockblocking you from every other girl you meet!" The two were lucky no one else was on the same small path as them right now. The river seemed to absorb their yelling with it's sounds. "You take her everywhere you go. I don't get it! She's the definition of mid! Mid tier! Has done nothing successful in her life! Jude, please, she's just using you for fame."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Jude looked at Amy like she just said the most outrageous thing in the world. To him, she did. "You know what?" Without raising his voice any more, Jude did a 180 and walked away from her, the frustration visible in his steps.

"Wait! No, Jude! Where are you going?"

...

With how fast Jude arrived back home, you could've thought someone died or something. Treating Madrid like a Mario Kart Track, he raced home in under five minutes and was now fiddling around in his pockets to find his keys. Jude was cursing himself, because he understood now. He finally understood and he felt so stupid.

He sighed with relief when he saw you had parked your heels right at the door when he stepped inside. The TV in the living room was on, but when he called out your name, it didn't seem like you were there.

Jude assumed you were upstairs in your— The guest room, and his suspicions were confirmed when he saw the lights through the small crack at the bottom of the door. He knocked, gently, and said your name: "I know you're in there.. Please tell me you're in there." Why wouldn't you be? You had no where else to go.

"I'm so sorry."

No reaction.

"Please talk to me".

No reaction.

Jude sighed.

"I'm stupid. And an asshole and a bastard and I know I messed up. Please, yell at me, insult me, do literally anything!"

Inside your room, you were trying to tune him out. You were laying in bed, looking up at the ceiling with your eyebrows knitted together and your arms crossed over your chest. You didn't feel like crying, surprisingly. You thought, when this moment finally comes, you'd fold in a millisecond and pour your heart out to Jude, but no.

After a moment, your feelings did end up betraying you felt the lump in your throat get more painful by the second. You heard a sound from just outside your door — Jude had sat down on the floor, resting his back against the doorframe.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm— That's all I can say."

Why is he making this so damn difficult for you?

"I'll sit here until you want to talk, okay? I'll sit here all night if I have to."

Yeah, safe to say both of you wouldn't be sleeping that night.

[souliebird]

[[and then I met you || ch 26]]

Series: Daredevil || Pairing: Matt Murdock x Fem!Reader || Rating: Explicit

Summary:

A one-night stand years ago gave you a daughter and you are now able to put a name to her father – Matthew Murdock. Everything is about to change again as you navigate trying to integrate your life with that of the handsome and charming blind lawyer’s and Matt realizes he needs to not only protect his new family from Hell's Kitchen, but from the world.

chapter masterlist

Words: 3.6k

ao3 link

Depression is a funny little emotion.

It starts as a seed planted in your stomach by some inconsequential action that slowly grows throughout the day until it is strangling you. Tendrils sprout and creep up your sternum, creeping through your airway and constricting your lungs, making it just a little harder to breathe. Your chest feels tight and no amount of closing your eyes and counting slowly will make the feeling go away. The vines go for your heart next - weaving between the arteries and veins and squeezing until you are hyper aware of every beat it makes. 

You know you cannot let anyone know what germinates inside of you, so for hours and hours and hours do you pretend you can function properly. You ignore how heavy your heart feels or how much your throat stings. You turn off the urge to cry and scream and beg because you know there is no point to it. There is no relief. No amount of comfort will free you from the jungle forming inside of you. All you can do is wait.

Wait until you are finally alone, and the growth is finally allowed to bloom in your brain. Thorns pierce you, pumping their poison into your thoughts. Sap leaks from your eyes as stems force their way up your throat until leaves sprout from your mouth. You are consumed from the inside out until you are a hollow husk of a person.

And who would want to be around that?

Who would want you?

No one is the answer.

 It has always been no one. 

Your parents were the first to show you the truth. There was no care or comfort in your childhood - you were set aside and ignored.

You’ve never blamed them for this. As much as it hurt and as much as it messed with your self-worth, you’ve always understood they were not meant to be parents. You are sure they loved you in their own way, but the lack of affection left your soul to wilt.

College was no better. You made a few friends but quickly learned the meaning of superficial. They did not have time for your awkwardness and personal issues - this was their time to grow and blossom. So, you buried yourself in your studies and were always grateful when they were kind enough to invite you somewhere. 

When you started having romantic relationships they warped your mind even more. A few sweet words would lure you in, then you would become a caretaker and a warm body. Their needs were always top priority and yours were never to be acknowledged. You were strung along to a breaking point or told you were no longer needed, even when you were still heart eyed over them.

A few rounds of this showed you your niche in the world. 

You’re a background character. A friend of a friend’s girlfriend. A one-night stand. Minnie’s mom. 

You don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. You are meant to assist others - meant to raise your daughter to her full potential. 

You’ve long accepted this, which makes it all that much harder when Matt smiles at you like he does. 

You believe he cares for you - he is full of love - but you know there isn’t anything deeper in it. 

You are the mother of his child, a child he is head over heels for - it is natural for him to grow affectionate towards you. He finds you physically and sexually attractive and you yearn for that.

But you know you are nothing but a placeholder.

You have his attention now and you want to bask in it, but next week, next year, or maybe in two years, that attention will move onto someone who deserves it. Someone who is exciting as he is - someone who is smart and passionate. Someone who understands his life and what being Daredevil entails. Someone who cares about the injustices on the streets and does something about it.

Someone who isn’t broken. 

Someone who isn’t a shell going through the motions. 

Someone who isn’t you.

You want to cover your ears and pretend you don’t know the truth. You want to bury yourself in the three little words you thought you heard, but you know you can’t. 

You can’t do that to yourself again. You can’t handle another heartbreak. Another disappointment.

Another reminder you are Nothing. 

You can allow yourself to enjoy your time - enjoy the touches and kisses and moans - but your heart must remain locked away. 

Matt can have all of you but that. If you allow yourself to have hope it will hurt all the more when you have to let him go. 

And you’ll let him go easily when that time comes. You’ll step aside without a fight because his relationship with Minnie is more important than you will ever be, and you are not going to be the reason for a rift between them. You are not going to deny Matt time with his daughter because his destiny is with someone else. 

It will hurt, but it has never mattered if you hurt.

You just want them to be happy.

----

The progress bar on your screen is finally full and you now have the option to select ‘continue with install’. You click on the button, then warily eye your laptop as new windows pop up with technical information you do not care about. 

Work is pushing a bunch of new updates through their system, and because you are remote, you have to play IT to get your machine up to spec. They sent you an email with everything you need to do, which is to sit back and click a few prompts, but they failed to mention the process would take hours and that your laptop would be useless during that time. 

It is nearing two in the morning, and you are starting to run out of steam and patience. 

Between installs and reboots, you have cleaned pretty much everything in your apartment that you could without risking waking Minnie up. You did dishes and dusted. You cleaned out the pantry and washed the windows. You even swept the carpet to get out any lingering dog hair.

You’ve tried to sit and watch something, but it left you fidgety and you couldn’t pay attention to what was being said and you had no chance in hell of following a plot. You attempted to play around on your phone, but you became angry at yourself for not having the funds to buy things that were advertised to you. After Minnie’s birthday and your hospital bill, your bank account was getting dangerously low.

You want to turn off your brain and do your job. You don’t have to Think when combing through orders and producing invoices. 

You don’t want to Think anymore. You are so tired of Thinking. 

You slump into your chair and bury your face into your hands. You’ve got no way to calculate how much longer all this technical setup is going to take or how much longer you are going to have to stay up. The only relief you have is knowing you are being paid for this time, since the email specifically told you to be on the clock while running everything. 

You debate going over to the couch and trying to nap. You could set an alarm so you can periodically check on your computer, but you might disturb your sleeping toddler. The alert could be set to vibrate only, but would that wake you up if you really fell asleep?

Your only solution is to stay awake and try to find something to do to distract yourself. 

As you start to consider deep cleaning the linen closet, your phone lights up with a call from an unsaved number. It takes but a moment for you to recognize the sequence and your heart leaps into your throat as you answer.

“Hello?”

“You’re up late,” Matt teases as a greeting, his voice a few octaves lower than normal and sending a delightful sort of chill up your spine. “Working hard?”

“Hardly working,” you groan in response, but the mere fact he is calling has your lips turning up into a small smile. “My computer is doing updates and I’m waiting for it to finish. It’s been going for hours.”

Matt hums in sympathy and you wonder if he is just getting home. The fact he is a superhero is still very hard for your mind to wrap around. Sweet Matt, who lets his daughter put star stickers all over his face, is the same man who so routinely breaks people’s arms that local ER staff have a monthly betting pool about it - a little fact you learned from Karen. The man in videos dangling someone off a high rise or a bridge is the same man who becomes a clingy octopus when asleep. 

You understand his need to protect the city and you admire it, but fear and uncertainty gather in your belly when you think about Matt out on the rooftops. You are terrified of him getting hurt, despite the fact you trust him and his abilities. You know there is always a bigger threat out there as well as the possibility of an accident. Matt may be amazing, but he can’t fight a random act of God.

Three light knocks from behind you rip your thoughts and you turn in your chair to see Daredevil, in all his red suit glory, standing on your fire escape. He cheekily waves at you as he snaps his flip phone shut and stores it in a hidden pocket. You scramble up and over to the window, yanking it open. He waits patiently, though a bit smugly by the smirk on his lips, as you figure out how to remove the screen. He climbs through with ease and once he is inside, he starts removing his gloves and helmet.

“What are you doing here?” you ask as you close the window again. You aren’t opposed to him coming by, but this is the first time he’s done so, and you aren’t exactly sure of the protocol. Is it a social visit? Does he have some Daredevil news to share with you?

Before he replies, he shakes his head much like a wet dog would. His hair is damp with sweat and the skin that was previously covered is glistening. There is a slight tint of red to his usual paleness and you wonder if he is hot to the touch as well. You try not to squirm at the thought.

“I always check on you before ending patrol,” he finally says, like it is the most obvious thing in the world. He sets his helmet, gloves, and batons on the window-blocking table, then steps to you, reaching up to cup your cheeks when close enough. “I need to make sure my girls are okay.” 

The words come out of him so easily and you want to melt into them like you do with his touch, but your mind is quick to remind you that you’ve given him reason to have to check up on you. This isn’t him being sweet - it is him making sure you haven’t somehow managed to kill yourself. 

Before you can mentally chastise yourself and pull away, Matt is closing the distance. He brings you into a sweet and slow kiss and for a few wonderful moments, your mind goes quiet. His lips are so soft against yours and you can just barely taste the salt from the sweat that has dripped down his face. It ends far too soon, and you try to tell yourself you are not disappointed.

Your thoughts kick back into hyper drive, and as you notice how damp Matt’s hair really is you imagine he would appreciate some cold water. You gently pull away from him, turning as you do to head towards the kitchen. 

“Did anything interesting happen tonight?”

“Nothing out of the usual,” he answers as he moves to follow you. “There was a kid breaking into cars that stuck out, though. He should probably be on his school’s track team if he isn’t already - he made me work to be able to catch him. It was actually a little impressive.”

That would explain the sweat then. It is already warm out and racing through the streets in leather sounds exhausting. It makes you want to shower just hearing about it.

You find Matt’s designated cup and fill it using the pitcher in the fridge. As you pass it over to him, you question, “what did you do once you caught him?”

He doesn’t answer, instead taking the water and downing it all in just a few gulps. Since it is clear he is in need of it, you quickly refill the glass.

“I gave him a warning and let him go,” Matt says after taking another sip, “He seemed like a good kid just getting into the wrong things. I think being chased by the Devil will scare him off crime, at least for a while.”

That warms your heart a little - you like Matt’s sense of justice and how he does not have a hard stance on what is black and white. He truly wants to help the community and not rule it. 

You have to turn away as he drinks his second glass of water. You want those brief moments of mental silence back and watching his throat work only makes you want to kiss him again. You think he wouldn’t mind it if you threw yourself at him, but it isn’t the time or place, and honestly you are a bit scared of the idea that has that kind of effect on you. 

It is something to crave and ask for and get addicted to. If he can turn off your brain so easily, all you will want to do is touch him.

Ever on high alert, you see Matt roll his neck and shoulders as he goes to put his glass into the sink. The movements look a little stiff and anxiety takes hold as you hyper analyze every movement he makes, “Are you alright?”

He pauses at the question, clearly confused by it. He tilts his head back and forth in minute ways like he does when he’s searching for something before answering you. 

“Why do you ask?”

You feel yourself start to flush at the counter, feeling a little silly. If there was anything actually wrong with him, he has a competent nurse on call, but you can’t stop your worry. It courses through you like your blood and you know it will fester and nag if you have any doubt. But you are still hesitant as you vaguely motion to your own neck, “I don’t know, you were out all night. I just…I want to make sure you’re, okay?”

You know that Matt is analyzing you, listening for something you’ll never hear. His lips dip into a frown for a microsecond before lifting up into that soft, beautiful smile you are becoming so fond of. “I’m fine, darling. Just a little stiff is all. It’s hard to have good posture when crouching on a rooftop.”

You take in the words, and you can easily picture Matt on the edge of a building, sitting like a gargoyle. It does ease your own tension that he isn’t injured, but your head just keeps spinning. 

Matt came all the way into Chelsea to check on you, the least you could do is make it worth his while. Offering yourself up for sex doesn’t feel appropriate at the moment, but you have more up your sleeve than just that.

The words tumble out of you before the idea is fully formed, “Do you want a massage?”

The shock on Matt’s face is nearly priceless. His brows shoot up his forehead and his mouth parts just slightly and a small voice in the back of your head wonders if anyone has ever offered him one before. You know his upbringing was as barren as yours, but given he is a fighter, you would have guessed someone would have given him one. 

Finally, he nods, his smile starting to come back, “That sounds amazing. If it’s okay with you - I know it’s getting late.”

“I’ll be up anyways,” you tell him quickly, not wanting him to think it is any inconvenience to you. “And it sounds more enjoyable than more cleaning.”

“Okay.” His boyish grin gets even bigger, and your stomach does a funny twist. “Where do you want me?”

You direct him to sit in front of the couch, on the ground, and as he removes the top half of his armor, you go to fetch wet wipes and lotion. You do not want to be rubbing Matt’s sweat all over his back - you are going to be trying to help him relax and that is a little bit disgusting. 

As you come back to the living room, you have to remind yourself you aren’t supposed to throw yourself at him. It is not fair how good he looks shirtless - he’s well defined and muscular, but not so overly buff it is gross. It’s clear his muscles are for athletics and not to show off how cool he is. His scars only emphasize that. You have no idea how he got them all, but you very much want to lay him down and run your tongue over each and every one. 

Your view changes as Matt plops himself down in front of the couch, seemingly unaware of your various mental crises. You tell yourself to Behave before your feet start moving again. When you get to the couch, you maneuver yourself to be behind Matt and have to bat away all your thoughts again at the sight of his shoulders.  

You force yourself to focus on the task in front of you. As you grab the wet wipe to start cleaning off Matt’s back, you advise him, “Let me know if I go too hard or if anything starts to hurt, okay?”

Beneath your hands, he huffs, “Darling, I don’t think you’ll be able to hurt me. If anything, the harder, the better.”

Your face heats up a little at his words. You remember he said something similar when over you on the couch just a few nights ago. He likes things a little rough. 

Once his shoulders are mostly sweat free, you get to work. 

You start with smoothing your hands down his neck, then fanning out to the edge of his shoulders and back. You aren’t exactly an expert at this, but long ago in college, one ex liked to play video games while you rubbed his shoulders and you had done your fair share of research to make sure you were doing it right. You still remember most of the tips. 

You add some of Minnie’s scent free baby lotion to your hands, then dig your thumbs into Matt’s neck. The muscles are tight and as you begin to push and pull at them, a deep, pleased groan comes from the man under you.

“Mmm, that feels so good.”

You can’t help but smile at the praise and it only encourages you to make sure the entire experience is enjoyable. 

It is surprisingly easy for you to get completely lost in the massage. You focus in on one area and mentally picture different little arrows telling you to rub up this way or swirl your thumbs in a certain motion. Matt’s shoulders quickly become a grid for you to complete and not a laborious task of trying to bond. 

Under your unskilled fingers, the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen melts. Whenever you find a knot - and there are many - he grunts and sighs and you can tell he is starting to relax. The tension in his shoulders fade and you actually get to see the moment his jaw unclenches. He opens his mouth and scrunches his nose, making the apples of his cheeks plump up. You peek at the television to catch his reflection and your heart warms at the pleased look on his face.

You wonder if it would be possible to get him to fall asleep like this and decide that is a challenge for another day. Right now, you want to pamper him. 

You slowly work your fingers back up towards his neck, then decide to take a chance based on what you know he likes. 

As you reach his hairline, you tilt your fingers forward so your nails are against his skin, then begin to slowly scritch at his scalp like he’s an overgrown cat. 

The results are instantaneous. Matt pushes his head into the touch, a low guttural moan coming up from his throat. 

It is Filthy. It goes right to your core, making you clench around nothing, and you can’t stop yourself from asking in a soft, teasing voice, “Feel good?”

He hums in an affirmative, tilting his head back far enough that he needs to lean against the couch for support. You keep your fingers where they are, as it's clear he is trying to direct you to where it feels the best - the top of his head. You scritch there, smiling as you fluff up his hair even more. 

Matt looks absolutely blissed out - his eyes are closed, his lips are parted, and you are pretty sure if you keep at this, he might just turn into Jello. 

Which is exactly what you want. 

He works so hard for everyone, running himself into the ground to bring justice to Hell’s Kitchen, and you think he needs some time to just relax. 

So, you begin to plan.

As you gently drag your nails through Matt’s hair, you let your mind begin to think up ideas for a nice family spa day while your laptop and dark thoughts sit on the dining room table, forgotten about.

---

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[fangirlfuel]

SerafinaDeLuxe posted

_________

SerafinaDeLuxe

I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor

Liked by Joao_Oliveira and 30 others

SerafinaDeLuxe Prepared for Thursday's test !🤓

view comments

Joao_Oliveira

"Don't worry guys I will never begin without yall ! "🤓

SerafinaDeLuxe

@Joao_Oliveira I am sorry but you guys always start too late ! 😭

Bianca_Santos

@SerafinaDeLuxe Sera ! It's Saturday!, there's still time until Thursday 😭😂

Rui_Mendes

I am too busy for this 😗

SerafinaDeLuxe

@Rui_Mendes Of course, anything it's more important to you than to pass the test. 🙄

Rui_Mendes

@SerafinaDeLuxe you know me to well !😌

Lia_Silva

Girl how do you do it ?!😭

SerafinaDeLuxe

@Lia_Silva will you believe me if I say I don’t know ?🫢

MariaDeLuxe

My smart baby !😊

SerafinaDeLuxe

@MariaDeLuxe Mom you are embarrassing me !☹️

--------------------

Serafina POV

Serafina logged out of Instagram with a sigh and glanced at the clock—7:00 PM.

In an hour, her father would be home from work, and dinner would be ready. She stretched her arms over her head, rolling her shoulders. Studying had drained her energy, but she had pushed through. Four hours straight. Okay… maybe it had only been three, but it sure felt like four.

She stacked her books into a neat pile on the desk, shoved her pens into the drawer, and finally stood up. She was about to grab her phone again when she realized something.

Only fifteen minutes had passed.

Serafina groaned. Time was moving at a snail’s pace. Feeling the heaviness of sleep threaten to take over, she decided a shower would wake her up.

She made her way to her private bathroom (a perk of being the youngest and knowing how to negotiate with her parents). She turned the water on, letting the steam rise before stepping in. The warmth enveloped her, melting away the tension in her muscles.

The past few weeks had been exhausting. Between school, family, and her upcoming trip to Mexico, it felt like she barely had a moment to breathe.

Still, she wouldn’t complain.

Not when Jose, Maria, Marco, and Alex were always the ones dealing with real responsibilities.

By the time she got out of the shower, changed into a comfortable sweater and leggings, and made her way downstairs, it was 7:40 PM. The living room was already filled with the familiar sounds of her siblings talking over each other.

Serafina paused at the entrance, taking in the scene.

Jose, 26, was scrolling through his laptop, probably working on something related to his job in IT. He was the most responsible of them all, always looking out for everyone. Maria and Marco, 25-year-old twins, were bickering—probably over something stupid again. Maria, a hairstylist, had her arms crossed, clearly irritated, while Marco, a mechanic, smirked like he enjoyed pissing her off.

And then there was Alex, 23, lounging on the couch with his phone. His final year of university was keeping him busy, but not busy enough to stop him from getting into family debates.

“Look who finally decided to join us,” Maria commented, her tone dripping with something between sarcasm and irritation.

Serafina raised an eyebrow. “Relax, I was studying.”

Maria scoffed. “Yeah, sure. Studying or scrolling through Instagram?”

Serafina rolled her eyes. She wasn’t about to let Maria get under her skin.

Jose, ever the peacemaker, shut his laptop with a sigh. “Let her be, Maria.”

“Whatever.” Maria flicked her perfectly manicured nails through her long, dark hair. “It’s not like she needs to study anyway. Everything just works out for Serafina, doesn’t it?”

There it was again.

That thinly veiled jealousy.

Serafina knew Maria had always felt a certain way about her. Maybe it was because their parents tended to be a little more lenient with Serafina. Maybe it was because, growing up, Maria had to fight for attention, while Serafina had gotten it naturally.

Or maybe… it was because Serafina had always been the one who stood out.

She ignored the comment, walking over to flop onto the couch next to Alex. He barely looked up from his phone.

“What are you doing?” she asked, nudging him.

“Checking the latest F1 news,” he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Serafina sighed. Of course.

Her entire family was obsessed with Formula 1. It wasn’t just casual fandom—it was a way of life in this house. Their father had been a hardcore Ferrari supporter since forever, and that had bled into all of them. Well, all of them except Serafina.

It wasn’t that she hated F1. She just didn’t care as much as they did.

She didn’t wake up early to watch practice sessions.

She didn’t spend hours debating strategies.

She didn’t idolize drivers like they did.

And yet, every race weekend, she was forced to endure it.

“What’s the latest drama now?” she asked, pretending to care.

Alex smirked. “Well, Ferrari just released a statement—”

“Oh my God, don’t start.”

Alex laughed, shaking his head. “You’re just mad because you’re the only one in this house who doesn’t appreciate greatness.”

“I appreciate a drama-free weekend,” she shot back.

Marco leaned forward, grinning. “Yeah? Then why are you still coming to Dad’s big season opener watch party next week?”

Serafina groaned. Right. That.

Their father had gone all out for the first Grand Prix of 2025, inviting family, friends, and anyone willing to yell at the TV with him.

“I never agreed to that,” she muttered.

“You live here,” Jose pointed out. “You have no choice.”

Maria smirked. “You could always go on that little trip of yours early.”

Serafina narrowed her eyes. “I leave in a few days. I can handle one stupid race.”

But even as she said it, she knew she was lying.

Because every time she let herself get roped into an F1 event, something always happened.

And this time…

She had a feeling it was going to be worse than ever.

[jillsandwhichs]

Our Future Days

Joel Miller x Reader series, Chapter 1, Move in day

Masterlist

Pairing: Fem!reader x Joel Miller

Summary: You officially move from oregan to texas and get to meet your very new & handsome neighbor, Joel

WC: 3.1k

Type: SFW

Some things you need to know before reading: First off, you're originally from Oregon. You studied at Med school and got a job offer in Texas to become a doctor, which you took. You are 23 in this but if you don't like that, imagine any age (18+) and I did make Joel younger 26 (until the 20 year time jump, he'll be 46) but he does still have Sarah, just pretend it's not wonky LMAO! One more thing, ya have a dog in this fic, he's a boy but imagine any breed you'd like! Aside from that, this is tlou game version but I included some sides from the show! A couple more things: 1. all characters from tlou1/2 will be mentioned/featured. 2. This takes place before outbreak, then eventually outbreak day, then eventually in the apocalypse. 3. This is a slow burn romance (drabbles of it in each chapter though, esp when it progresses) and does feature a future singular smut chapter. 4. JOEL NEVER DIES!!!

A/n: Hi! Hope you all enjoy. Please check out my masterlist, there's a lot of stuff there. You can get to know me, you can see the rules of my blog and then you can see all of my fanfictions. You'll be able to find the previous chapters to this fic and upcoming ones. You'll also be able to find my Wattpad & AO3. Thank you

Tapping your fingers on the steering wheel, you matched the beat of the song playing on your cars radio. It was a song by Blake Shelton. You weren't a huge fan of him but he had some classics. It has been such a long day for you. You've been driving for the past two hours, not a single break in between. You just wanted to get to your new home as soon as you could. You could tell your dog, Becker, needed to go potty as well. He'd just have to hold out.

The GPS on your phone stated you were only about ten minutes away. The center of Austin TX was busy as all hell, so that time span could get longer by the second. So many cars & people flooded the streets. "God dammit." You mumbled to yourself, rolling your eyes as you seen all the upcoming traffic ahead. This was going to be a long night. You had no clue when you'd even be able to get into bed. Then again, it was only 4:30 in the afternoon, almost evening.

Behind you, in the backseat, you could hear Becker whimpering & whining. "Don't worry boy, we're almost home, just a little bit longer." You cooed to him, reaching your right hand back and allowing him to lick you. You got Becker as a graduation gift a few weeks ago. You two have bonded ever since. You were never a cat person, dog's were more of your style. "You'll be able to go potty soon." You said to him, pulling your hand back up and holding onto the wheel.

Traffic wasn't going as slow as you intended, was traffic always going to be like this though? This ain't going to be pleasant if so. Especially working for the hospital. Imagine an emergency happens and you're needed but the roads are packed, that's going to be one helluva time. But, you wanna think positively. You missed your family too. It's going to be hard without them, especially your mom. She is your number one supporter and without her in the same home as you, it'll be a large change.

You turned the radio up, hearing the country music blast throughout your car but not loud enough to scare your dog. Dogs ears are sensitive and you didn't wanna bother him further than he already was. No doggo wants to be stuck in a car all day, especially in this heat. Despite it being early September, it was still quite warm out. That's another big change from Oregon, you imagine that back home, it's either really windy or heavily raining. The change could be nice though.

The sound of Becker panting was clear as day, it only made you feel more guilty. "Hold on baby." You muttered to him before you then rolled your window down and the window directly behind you, not a lot though, you didn't want him to jump out or something. Through your rearview mirror, you could see his slobbery tounge blowing in the wind as he stuck his head out the window. "Hah, good boy!" You giggled, turning left onto the exit, finally getting off of this miserable highway.

Finally, the road wasn't full anymore. It was a downtown rural area now, cars slowly made their way through the town. Austin is busy, yes, but this side of it, not so much. The only logical reason it was super busy on the highway and earlier roads was because people are getting/going to work. Your first day at the hospital is on Monday. You were nervous but in a great way. You have been non stop thinking about it. All of the work you've put in and you're officially where you wanted to be. Life was going good... For once...

You passed by all sorts of different places. Gas stations, fast food chains, locally owned stores & stands, it felt so honey. Back in Oregon, you lived in the center of the city, it was always so lively and never calm. Austin is like that too but not as bad, and definitely not as bad as Dallas is. You were grateful you didn't end up moving there or even somewhere that was worse. Austin was a good enough fit for you.

The GPS showed you were only a minute or two away from home, your heart was racing a bit. You've never been on your own before and you least expected it to be in a completely different state. Luckily, a week from now, you'll be going back home for the weekend. It'll be comforting. You'll definitely make sure to call your family everyday, you made sure they knew that too. They'd have to simply put up with it.

You could tell you were getting closer due to the change in scenery. There weren't any establishments around these parts, just either compact or extensive suburban homes. You actually used to make fun of those perfect American families who lived in these types of areas but look at you now. Back home, you lived in a small house, only two bedrooms but you were an only child so it was never a problem. You did wish for siblings growing up but you understand now that if you had some, things would be a whole lot different.

As you turned left, the tracker built into your phone made a dinging noise, indicating you had arrived at your destination. It wasn't wrong. Just to the left, you could see your newly purchased home. It made your heart skip a beat. Not only were you nervous but you were also so happy. You glimmered as you pulled right into the driveway and set your car in park. You could tell Becker knew this was your guy's new home, his whimpers weren't ones of boredness but rather excitement. "One second." You sighed out before getting out of the car.

Stepping out of your car, you sighed softly as you breathed in the fresh air. The smell of outside was always so welcoming. You grabbed your purse out of your car too and swung it across your shoulder. It was a brown leather purse with an embroidered strap. You then opened up the backseat so Becker could jump on out. "Stay over here buddy." You chuckled out, scratching the top of his head a few times before closing both doors. You had quite a bit of stuff in your trunk & backseat but you hired a truck to drive all of your other belongings here. It wouldn't be there for another day or so.

Becker ran off to the side of the house to go potty ; You trusted him enough to not run off. He was a good dog. You went to the back of your car and popped open your trunk. It was a mess but everything you needed for the night was in there. You even bought an air mattress, your back would die trying to sleep on a wooden floor. You grabbed the first two boxes, they weren't very big, and set them on the concrete of your driveway. They just had toiletries in them.

You grabbed out another box, this one was a bit bigger than the other two. It had all of your kitchen appliances in it. You were excited to cook your very first dinner in your very own home. You already decided on making Pesto Pasta, one of your favorites. In your trunk, there was the air mattress box. It wasn't going to be the best way to sleep but it'd have to suffice for the night, your proper bed should be in either tomorrow or on Sunday.

Whilst grabbing out the air mattress, you heard the sound of a truck driving past and pulling into the driveway across from you. They must've been your neighbors. Your neighbors back home weren't the nicest. There were the Johnson's so were beyond uppity and thought they were better than everyone else, they lived beside you. Then there was Cassandra and Cody, they were your age and pretty kind except they were literal kleptos.

You ignored the truck behind you, just trying to get everything you needed for the night. You could hear Becker barking but you didn't know what it was he was doing it at. You figured a wild animal, maybe a bunny or a stray. Becker was actually from a shelter, you'd never buy an animal from PetSmart or whatever. "Becker, quit your barking!" You shouted at him, nudging him to come over to you. Maybe he wasn't good with new environments.

You placed the last cardboard box from your trunk on top of another one, shooting your eyes to look at Becker. He was looking at the truck across the street, barking at it. "Oh boy, quit it." You spoke out to him but he didn't listen. You went to grab onto his collar but right as you did, he bolted off into their driveway. He was a friendly dog, you didn't think he'd do anything bad, he was just inquisitive, but it was still bad of him to run off like that.

"Becker!" You yelled, jogging across the street to grab him. You watched as two men got out of the black truck. The one in the driver's seat had a mullet and lighter hair than the other man, he also seemed shorter. The other one though had short dark hair, although you couldn't tell if it was purely brown or black. He was well built, along with the other man. Were they brothers? That's the only assumption that came to mind.

Once you reached their driveway, you grabbed Becker and pulled him back to you. The man getting out of the passenger seat looked back at you and had a puzzled look before letting out a chuckle beneath his breath. "Listen, I'm so sorry, he's just curious." You sighed out. Becker was now listening as he sat down right by your feet. "Sorry, we'll be out of your hair." You giggled, beginning to turn around before you heard the man's voice speak up.

"You just move in across the street?" He asked you, his voice sounded southern and it was very deep. "Oh uhm, yeah, just got here tonight actually." You said kindly, looking back at him again. "Well, welcome then, and to your dog." He snickered out. "I'm Joel, this is Tommy." Joel spoke deeply, pointing over at the other man. You let the two men know your name before asking them whether or not they were brothers, and they were. You weren't surprised, they did share similar facial features.

"Where are you from?" Joel raised, his arms crossed. His arms were huge, he definitely has a nice body. "I'm from Oregon." You said softly, placing your slender hands onto your waist. "Damn, that's a long ways out. What made you move all the way here?" "Got a job offer at the hospital." You said with a titter, his accent was thick. "Oh, you a nurse or something?" He questioned, leaning up against his truck. "No, a doctor. Recently gradated from medschool." You explained, glancing over at his brother as he walked into the house. Maybe they lived together.

"Well how bout that? I'm just a contractor." "That's nice." You added, tucking strands of your thin hair behind your ear. "Yeah, yeah, well I'll let you continue settling in. If you need any help with uh larger furniture, me and my brother can stop by, we helped the Adler's when they first moved in." Joel said with a deep voice, pointing his index to the home beside his. "That would be great, thanks, luckily I don't have to deal with the bullshit of larger furniture today, it'll be in either tomorrow or Sunday."

"Alrighty, well, you have yourself a good evening. See you." Joel said with a sly smirk, slowly inching backwards. "You too, Joel." You gave him a slight smile before patting Becker to follow behind you. You made your way across the street, allowing Becker to run around in his new yard. You took a gander back and seen Joel looked back at you before entering his home. When you saw his eyes on you, you felt a deep pit in your stomach. Nothing bad, rather just glee or something. You couldn't pin it.

Around your neck was a lanyard, it had the key to your home, you assumed it was locked. At least you hoped, you don't want any squatters inside. You unlocked the white door and opened it, stepping inside of it. The sunset beamed in through the windows throughout the house. It was still dark though, every single light was switched on. The seller said you'd have to go to the basement to switch them all on. That sounded like a fun time!

One by one, you dragged each box into the home, keeping some on the floor and placing some on the island counter. You didn't plan on unpacking any of it tonight, you were restless and just wanted to lay down for the night, despite it only being 5 PM. The more sleep you get, the easier it'll be tomorrow. You definitely had to get a lot of sleep Sunday considering on Monday, you start your first day. Even though it's just training, you wanna be as awake as possible.

You ambled towards the front door again and away from the kitchen to call Becker in. He'd have to deal with the floor for the night. He is a cuddly dog, he loves big comfy areas but without a bed or a couch, there's no way. "Becker!" You said with a rowdy voice, "C'mon baby." He came running over to you and past your legs, going into the house and treading around like a mad man. "Oh good boy." You chuckled, petting him gently.

You walked back over to the kitchen and grabbed the air mattress, you needed to get it open and blown up. It was sealed to a T, your nails were definitely not enough to get it open. Striding towards the appliances box, you opened it up and searched through it, taking out a knife to slice it open. You are quite clumsy so you were praying you wouldn't stab the mattress on accident. It didn't help that Becker felt the need to push himself up against you, seeking attention & love as if he's starved from it.

"Back off boy." You snorted, pulling the mattress out of it's box. It was all wrinkled up and looked compact. Although it was the size of a Full. You straightened it out on the living room floor, you didn't feel like carrying it all the way up the stairs. It came with a machine to blow it up and you connected it to the black cylinder hole, turning it on and hearing the loud blowing noise it was making. You didn't have any pillows, they were all packed up in that truck but luckily, you had a blanket, it was the one you let Becker use in the backseat when you were driving.

"You stay here mister." You stated out to Becker before beginning to make your way out of the front door to take the blanket out from the car. As you went outside, you noticed a bright light was on in Joel's house, just in one room though. You could also see the shadow of a smaller person's body walking through said room. Did he have a girlfriend? Or did Tommy have one? Maybe it was Tommy's. You convinced yourself of that at least.

After grabbing the blanket, you walked back inside and seen Becker already making himself a spot on the bed, despite it barley being inflated. "You little shit." You grinned, tossing the fuzzy blanket on top of him. Guess you were going to have to share.

The bed was officially ready to be slept on, you haven't been this excited to sleep in a very long time. Back home, you dreaded it. You would stay up all night, doing different stuff. Whether it was studying, painting, reading, working out, etc.. You were always doing something new. With Becker, it's been better. You're an affectionate person and he is as a dog. It may be a rough night, it always is sleeping somewhere new, but with him it may be easier.

Pulling the machine away from the bed, you turned it off and climbed underneath the blanket, feeling immediate warmth. The Texas heat also played a part in that. Back in Oregon, you had a heater beside your bed to help, you definitely didn't need one here. "Alright." You whispered to yourself, Becker lying right beside your feet, his fur was cozy. You were originally going to turn the lights on to your home but honestly, you were scared to go down there all alone, a pitch black basement? No thanks.

Trying to sleep in a new area was hard. You felt homesick. You miss your old room, the house noises, the feeling of it. You lived there your entire life, now you're thousands of miles away. Becker probably felt that way too, especially with how he connected with your father, they bonded. A week from now though, you'd be able to see them. It'd be easier. Another thing you couldn't stop thinking about was that man - Joel.

He seemed so different. He was kind & understanding, and that's just simply based on the short conversation the two of you had together. He was so willing to help you out, no one else was like that. It was a sweet welcoming. He was also very handsome. All the men back home weren't like that. That glimmer in his eyes wasn't something to ignore. It was the way he gazed at you that had you wrapped around the thought of him.

That brother of his was good looking too, definitely not as much, but either way. Were they both contractors? It appeared as though they had just left work so maybe they work together. And who was that smaller person walking throughout his house earlier? Had to be a girlfriend. A daughter? No way, the two of them looked to young to even have children. There was still a chance though, teen pregnancies aren't uncommon. You presume you'll deal with a lot of them as a Doctor.

Your eyes felt more & more heavy. Becker's deep breathing made you weary too. The pitch blackness of the room was helpful ; White sound would've been helpful too. Sleeping in complete silence was torture. All you could really hear was your dog and your own breathing. You were completely spent for the day. And you were ready to hit the hay.

Divider Creds: animatedglittergraphics-n-more

[that1fangirrl]

okay i wrote a little sumn sumn with no editing, just thoughts... it's not finished but I figured I'd put something out...if you want me to write some more for this and fix it up, lemme know cause i love writing for college!matty 😩Inbox always opened, so feel free. also it's pretty smutty so umm minors get out.

LAST WARNING... IM DEADASS!!!

“11:26 am”, you had been studying for almost two hours now. Foggy and your friend, Lizzie were off in their own world, abandoning any thoughts of you or Matt. The two of them spent every study session, giggling and flirting. Sure, you weren’t a law student and didn’t have to tag along, but Lizzie always invited you. Something about “being with people your age makes you more social”. But really she just wanted an excuse to be around Foggy even more. It wasn’t completely terrible. You weren’t completely alone. Foggy’s roommate, Matt, was always there. A slight grimace on his face like he could see what was happening from across the room, then somehow shaking it off and turning back to his books. You, being the top of your classes left you with not much to study. 

Today was no different. Matt was reading his notes in disgust and the lovebirds were already packing up their bags to go back to Lizzie’s. The two of them stood up, rushing out a quick “we’re just gonna go pick up some food. See you guys in a bit” and running out the room. Foggy wasn’t even trying to hide the boner in pants at this point. You looked down at your watch then at Matt. His shades met your gaze. “How many days do you think it’ll take for them to realize we know they’re fucking?” You giggled a little, fixing your glasses. “Who knows? I told Liz, I didn’t care. But she insists they haven’t done anything yet.” Your eyes roll. You stand up closing your book, walking over to Matt’s bed. He does the same, sitting up and pushing his notes over. His arms stretch out as you reach him and straddle his lap. Your lips connect with soft moans following behind. 

“Enough about them. What about us? Two months and they’ve hardly noticed we’ve been fucking.” You sigh into Matt’s mouth. A soft questioning look on your face. “We are? Man, I just thought we were studying anatomy.” His hands reach up to your blouse, unopening the three buttons at the top. His hands squeeze down on your breasts, face settling nose first in the valley of them. He takes a deep breath, before looking back up with a dopey smile. “Well then, I must be amazing at anatomy. My favorite body part is this one.” His hands reach down towards your ass. A loud sigh leaves your lips. “I guess that would make this one… mine.” You reach into his sweats and palm his cock. “Mmmhh. It’s definitely yours Angel.”

The two of you hadn’t done nearly as much as the previously mentioned couple. Mostly, just grinding, making out and the occasional giving and receiving of head. The first time it happened shocked you both. Matt had been late for one of the study sessions. You were the only one there, not wanting to ruin your groove after Foggy and Liz left. Matt looked like he ran a marathon. Sweat dripping all over ,chest still heaving, sweats hugging the right places and hair all over the place. Apparently, after failing one of his tests, he went out to the gym to “punch out his feelings”. You tried your best to stay focused on helping him, but he looked so fucking hot. Unbeknownst to you, Matt was catching onto the shift in you. He had never smelled something so sweet. When you went in for a comforting hug, he let slip that he was still a bit pent up. So being the good friend you were, you slid down to your knees and offered to help him “relax”. 

Ever since then, you guys continued to relax together. Matt was a huge tease. Especially during the last few study sessions. Just last week, your covers were almost blown. Foggy had come back and found you and Matt cuddled up next to each other on Matt’s bed. If he weren’t so oblivious, he probably would’ve noticed how your legs were wide open and splayed on Matt’s lap with his hand moving at the slowest pace on the planet. You thought he had finally figured it out, when your head fell forward and you let out a small squeal. Matt, being quick on his toes, said he had accidentally grazed a spot where you were known to be quick ticklish. After Foggy finished whatever it was he was up to, Matt went right back to finger fucking you under the covers. Let’s just say the laundry attendant was pretty confused seeing Matt again for the second time in two days. 

Back to now, you both were breathing in each other. Hands everywhere. Rediscovering places you had been before. You both were so caught up with each other, that you hadn’t even heard the door opening. A loud gasp sounded from the doorframe. Following it was an even louder, “WHAT. THE. FUCK?!” Your head whipped around hard enough to give whiplash. Both Lizzie and Foggy were standing shocked with pizza and drinks in hand. The four of you continued to stare before Lizzie squealed out, “I. Knew it!! I knew they were fucking Foggy. 25 bucks, right now.” You blinked at her, “you bet on us? How’d you know?” “We share a wall. I could hear buzzing and a particular name being mentioned more than a few times.” You blushed, tucking away into Matt’s arms as he chuckled. “Don’t laugh. I’m sure Foggy hears you sometimes…right Fog?” Foggy and Matt laughed loudly. “Puh-lease. I snore so loud, a bomb could go off and I’d still be asleep.”

Sooooo. Should I write some more for this or noooo???

[lemonlamblaura]

My Husband is the God of Pestilence - chapter 26

Sorry for the wait for this chapter, everyone 🩷

The following week was intense and miserable for Heket. Shamura placed her in a small room by herself with nothing but a small futon to sleep on. No food could hope to satisfy her aching stomach. She was given only bread and water to keep her alive. The first time she was given her daily portion, she screamed at Shamura furiously, but they would not give her more.

"There is nothing I can give you to make it stop," they said patiently. "The only thing we can do is to wait for this to pass. If the crown deems you worthy of it, it will allow you to eat again."

"FUCK OFF!" she screamed at them as they calmly walked away.

She felt like she was going insane - like the torture would never end. Hours turned into days, blending together into a huge horrific mess.

And, suddenly, it was over.

On the eighth day, not long after she had voraciously wolfed down her bread and water, she realized she was not nearly so hungry anymore. She could actually think about something other than food now.

The whole week seemed like a blur, a nightmare she would rather not revisit. She couldn't remember much of anything aside from wanting it all to be over. There was a nasty bruise on her arm surrounded by teeth marks. Had she done this to herself? When she approached the stone door of her room, she noticed grooves in the stone resembling claw marks. Her nails were chipped and ragged, a bit of blood around the quick. Apparently she had been desperate to get out.

"Hello?" She knocked on the door.

A voice on the other side answered, "how are you feeling?"

"Better, I think." She wasn't totally sure, but at least her mind was a little clearer now. "I need to talk to the big purple spider."

She heard the same voice speak to someone else: "go get Lord Shamura."

Minutes later the spider arrived, and Heket was released from her prison. They examined her with a critical look, from head to toe. "You are coherent?"

"I think so."

"Then come. I have a proper meal awaiting you, and we can discuss your future."

They led her to their study, where a small meal was laid out on a placemat upon their desk with a big glass of water, bigger than the ones she had received in the past week. She downed it instantly; she couldn't believe how thirsty she was.

"You have lost an unnatural amount of weight in a short amount of time, so you must not eat much yet in order not to shock your body. Eat slowly. You will not receive more until later."

"Why did you starve me at all?" Heket demanded, foregoing the fork and knife provided and picking up the small steak provided with her bare hands.

"It was not up to me. You bear the Yellow Crown, which controls the domain of famine. You would have continued to starve no matter how much you were given."

"Why?"

"When a crown believes it has chosen a worthy bearer, it conducts a test to prove you are capable of weilding it. You have survived its test. Clearly you have a strong will. Weaker beings would have perished or lost their minds."

Heket remembered biting the bartender when he refused to give her more food, and the bruise on her arm. "So, what happens now?"

"Now you must undergo training in order to harness your crown's power and ascend to godhood."

She paused mid-chew. Surely she must have misheard them. How could she be a god just by wearing a hat? "When you say "godhood"... will I be able to do anything I want?"

Shamura hid their satisfaction. She is strong and wants power. With enough training she could kill other gods with ease. Still, I sense an incredible independence within, which could be detrimental. I must find some way to make her dependant on me, yet not so much that she cannot make her own decisions. She is not desperate for reassurance and validation the way Kallamar is. I cannot be too doting. "What is it that you desire?"

"Revenge," she answered immediately, "on those who killed my father and started my family's downfall and left me alone."

Family. A desire for closeness and loyalty above all else. That was the answer. "Then you shall have it. And know this, sister: from this moment on, you shall never be alone. Your family, and your crown, is here for you."

*

It was another week before Heket asked to meet her brothers.

Narinder was indifferent. Shamura had let him know about the new goddess the moment she arrived at their temple. He played polite, knowing having her on their side would be beneficial. Heket left impressed at Narinder's power and command of his following.

The visit to Kallamar's temple had an awkward beginning. Kallamar stared down at her in shock as Shamura explained, while Lilybell's shock was for a very different reason. Finally, there was a new immortal in her life - someone she didn't have to worry about dying anytime soon. She actually found herself excited for the first time in a long while. However, with that excitement came nervousness as well. With her furrowed brow and thin, pursed lips, Heket seemed like the type to take things very seriously. Lilybell couldn't afford to get too carried away and put the other woman off. She couldn't screw this up... she wouldn't get another chance.

Before Kallamar could say anything, Lilybell approached the frog and made a slow, graceful curtsy. "I bid you welcome to my husband's temple. My name is Lilybell, and I am very pleased to make your acquaintance, Lady Heket."

Heket's face was unreadable as she stared back. After a moment, she broke eye contact and reached up to scratch her cheek uncomfortably. "Thank you."

I came on too strong! Lilybell stepped back, trying to give Heket space, her heart pounding in her ears. "Please forgive me. I did not mean to make you uncomfortable."

"You did nothing of the sort, my darling," Kallamar declared, coming to Lilybell's rescue. "Heket will need to get used to being spoken to like this." He tried to sound as if he was not worried and, truth be told, scared. "Shamura, may I speak to you privately while Lilybell shows Heket the temple?"

They were gone quickly, and the women headed off in the other direction. "I apologize for the mess," said Lilybell. "We are currently working on a new temple to replace the old one."

"It looks very much like Shamura's," Heket noted.

"Yes, Kallamar styled it after theirs. But this new temple will be an entirely new design, which he is quite proud of. I cannot wait until we begin decorating, personally. Are you at all cold? I am afraid my wool sometimes blinds me to temperature, and I recall reading that Anura can be quite a warm climate."

"I'm fine."

Heket's standoffishness made Lilybell uneasy. She had no idea how much talking was too much, or if she was annoying the frog. No matter how much she explained or described, Heket still replied shortly, almost distracted. When they made a full round of the temple and the other gods were still nowhere to be seen, Lilybell gestured towards the dining room, her last resort. "Shall we have a short break until Kallamar and Shamura return?"

The two soon were treated to a hot meal of baked fish, marinated vegetables and juice. Heket finished her plate in only a few minutes while Lilybell ate slowly, remembering to take small bites and sit with her back straight against the chair as she was trained to do centuries ago.

I hope Kallamar comes back soon, Lilybell thought, nervously glancing in Heket's direction. I don't think she likes me very much.

"Are you always so dainty, or is that how your husband likes it?" Heket asked suddenly, using her fork to pick her teeth.

Lilybell nearly choked in surprise. After a small gulp of juice, she cleared her throat. "I beg your pardon?"

"I hate prissy little princesses who've clearly never worked a day in their life. But I feel like you're putting on a show, like you're trying too hard."

"I... it was my choice to become more ladylike. I did not grow up this way. I grew up poor in a tiny village. My dear friend Baalzebub taught me good manners, and I wanted to be a credit to Kallamar, to be a proper wife for him."

"So you are putting on a show. If you had to change yourself to be worthy of your husband, then maybe you weren't meant to be together. What's the point of being with someone if you can't be yourself?"

"I am myself," Lilybell said sharply, becoming more agitated by the second. "Like I said, it was my choice to be this way."

"Hmm. Whatever helps you sleep at night."

Now she was incensed. She put her napkin neatly beside her unfinished plate and stood up to leave. "Please excuse me. I have some matters that need attending to."

Heket barely batted an eye, pulling the plate towards her and continuing where Lilybell left off.

*

"What do you mean she knows everything?!" Kallamar cried, jumping out of his seat.

"Calm yourself. It was beneficial for her to know. I have no doubt she will serve us well and help us in taking down the other gods."

"How can you be so sure? How do you know she will not turn against us? And how can you be so candid with her when you and Narinder went behind my back and murdered the others for years without my knowing?"

"You would have never agreed if I had not moved your hand for you. Heket is different. She has no qualms about death. Which brings me to my other reason for coming here today..."

Kallamar had a feeling he knew where this was going, sitting back down while a burning feeling rose in his throat. It always amazed him (in the worst way) how Shamura could have so little confidence in him, and yet ask such big things of him at the same time.

"I have decided it is time for Falzeph, god of wind and storms, to meet their end."

Kallamar knew all about the stories of Falzeph, how they resided at the top of the tallest mountain in the region and killed any who came close to them. They were one of the few gods that did not reside in their own temple, and had no immediate followers or disciples. "You can't possibly expect me to face them on my own!"

"Certainly not. Narinder will assist you."

A cold chill ran down Kallamar's spine. He hadn't met with Narinder for decades, and never killed a god with him. Not much had changed between them in 200 years. Narinder still enjoyed tormenting him, and Kallamar loathed to be in the cat's presence. "But, why not you, sibling?"

Shamura drew aside their cloak to reveal a long deep wound across their chest. It looked fresh and was healing slowly. "The goddess of fire does not give up easily," they said calmly, setting their cloak back properly. "I will not hear any objections. When Narinder is set on a mission, nothing can stop him. But a foe such as Falzeph will require backup. In the best case scenario, you will hardly have to draw your weapon."

That put Kallamar's mind at ease slightly. Still, it was only the best case scenario. He didn't want to think about the worst case.

"Come, Heket has had long enough to play." Shamura stood, a little shakily, and Kallamar was suddenly reminded of how old they were. "Narinder shall meet with you in the morning, so be sure to rest so you will be at full strength."

"Fine," said Kallamar flatly, full of dread. The gods were surprised to find Heket leaning on the wall beside Kallamar's study. Kallamar looked around for his wife, and not seeing her, said to Heket, "where is Lilybell?"

"She had some things to see to," Heket replied, pushing herself off the wall. "If you're done with Shamura, I want to talk to you next."

Kallamar was taken aback, but he let her inside while Shamura waited patiently for her in the corridor. Heket marched up the staircase attached to his desk with her head held high, as if she were in charge. Kallamar was a little intimidated, but he also admired her strong character. When Shamura had first taken him under their wing he was timid and anxious all the time. He knew he could never find it in himself to behave the way Heket did.

"Shamura says you have been a god for two hundred years. Is this true?" She demanded.

"Yes," said Kallamar, feeling nervous.

"They intend to train me to use my crown, but I feel if I'm going to be a strong god, I will need more than just their guidance. I feel like I can learn things from you as well as them. I need you to train me too."

Kallamar blinked. He didn't know what he was expecting, but it certainly was not this. "But, I'm sure that Shamura will be a marvelous teacher. Besides, as they trained me as well, I'm certain the most I could do is parrot them."

"In my opinion, the more experience I have, the better. From what I've seen of your cult compared to Shamura's, it seems like you have a few differences between you. You don't control your following the way Shamura does. They demand authority, while you strongly suggest it instead. You control your following with displays of wealth rather than brute force. You have a softer style of leadership."

"I'm not sure how to take that," Kallamar frowned. He leaned in closer to her and whispered, "Shamura has told you about the other gods? About their plans for them?"

"Yes."

"And you have no issue regarding that?"

"It's either join Shamura or be killed, isn't it? And I'm not going to have my head on the chopping block. Besides, I have my own reasons for becoming powerful. Now are you going to train me or not?"

*

Kallamar found Lilybell in the bedroom not long after he and Heket had finished speaking. She was sitting in front of the fireplace reading a worn old book. Even from a side angle, Kallamar could see her brows were furrowed. Something was clearly bothering her. She never looked like that unless she was seriously cross.

"Here you are," Kallamar said gently, sitting down beside her. She didn't turn to look at him, and he could tell her jaw was clenched. "Has Alinor upset you again?"

His voice calmed her somewhat. She could always relax and drop her refined act when it was just the two of them. She sighed, closing her book. "No. It's just... your new sister is very rude."

Kallamar's eyebrow raised sharply. "What has she done?"

"She saw through me and called me out. It just put me in a had mood, that's all. Most people don't realize what I'm doing, and if they do they don't say anything. But the way she went on about it! She implied that I had only changed for you without knowing anything about me or us. She's very opinionated, I suppose."

The squid tensed a little. Learning that the two girls hadn't got on well wouldn't make this any easier. "I see. I'm afraid this might make things a bit awkward..."

"Why?"

"Well, she insisted that I train her as well as Shamura. She also requested a room set up for her here, in case she needs to spend more time with me."

Lilybell gawked at him before putting her face in her hands. "Great..."

"Let me assure you, darling, I will speak to her and clear up this whole mess. I will not have her disrespect you while she stays here." He put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. "Family is family, but no one is more important to me than you are."

That made Lilybell smile, and she leaned up to give her husband a kiss. "Thank you, Kally."

"Darling, let's go to our meadow tomorrow night. We haven't been there in some time." He would need something to look forward to after what was sure to be an intense battle.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

Lilybell read aloud for him as they snuggled, and Kallamar forgot his worries, if only for a short while.

[nicnacsnonsense]

💖👀✨

For the fic writer meme

💖 What made you start writing?

Short answer: I was desperate for more Princess Tutu content.

Very long answer:

It is early July of 2010. I am at college, taking the Intro to Bio class during a summer session because the stupid class kept getting full up before my sign up window during the normal school year. I am feeling pretty down at the time -- that undiagnosed, unmedicated ADHD low key depressive funk. I was also watching a lot of anime at the time and decided to check out Princess Tutu, which looked like a sweet and fun pick me up.

By the end of the first episode, my mood had lifted. By the end of the series (26 episodes total) my entire brain chemistry had been altered. Princess Tutu was my new favorite show of all time (in some ways it still is). I rewatched it numerous times. I showed it to as many people as I could get to stay sitting after I told them it was called Princess Tutu. I bought the DVD box set for myself and watched all the special features.

Christmas break of 2010 I was home and rewatched the show once again. But it wasn't enough. I needed more. I could feel myself falling back into that funk. I went to the TvTropes page for Princess Tutu and clicked on the one tab I hadn't looked at: Fanfic Recs. I didn't read fanfic at the time, hadn't really ever before, and had the vague notion of it being kind of an embarrassing thing, but I needed more Princess Tutu.

One of the recommendations was The Heart of Everything by gemkazoni. I stayed up until 4am reading that fic (it is 84k long). Once again my brain chemistry was changed. I reread it only a couple days later and then created an FFN account expressly for the purposes of leaving a review on that fic (I didn't know guest reviews were a thing). And so of course after a stellar introduction like that I continued to read more and more fanfic.

Exactly 2 weeks later I was in the shower when the idea for a character study popped into my head. I kept running through the words over and over in my head until I decided I had to write them down and of course once I wrote them down I had to post it. It got 7 hits in the first hour which felt like the most exciting thing that had ever happened. And the rest is history.

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!

I've not been in a very writerly headspace lately I confess. I've had a lot of ideas for AUs, but haven't really sat down to write anything in a while. One thing that I would like to do is circle back to the OFMD Galavant AU to write a couple more scenes so it ends on a happy place for them and then I can post it as a sort of time skip/snippet collection even if I don't write a full AU for it.

✨ Give you and your writing a compliment. Go on now. You know you deserve it. 😉

I'm really good at writing in character and giving a strong sense of the POV character due to a special technique (it's not a technique, my brain is just weird this way) that I like to call "method writing."

[kneelbeforeclefairy]

HI HI ITS ME HI! I have been diagnosed with both of those! I think I do have both. The sleep doctor said I can't have both but it's possible I have a hybrid of the two? And they gave me the initial diagnosis of non24 but then another doctor said he didn't believe I had that because largely blind people had it but I was like HI I CAN BE THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE it does occur it sighted people.

And boy if it's not apnea they have no idea what to do. I did a sleep study and apparently I had some minor apnea but not even enough to qualify as sleep apnea,but all they wanted to talk about was a CPAP or a night guard and I'm like. Guys. When I'm not hooked up to 1001 machines once I sleep I sleep well. Can you listen to that and focus on my actual sleep issues. Barely. Also I had to fill out a sleep log for two weeks or whatever and thank God it was during covid so it did show some of my "natural sleep" but because it wasn't even every day the doctor didn't think I had non24. Well of course it wasn't and even 2 hours later every day. I FIGHT It. I've learned how to fight it. Also like. I didn't have steady work but I had shit to do so some times I had to get up at a certain time.

And when I tried to get them to focus on the sleep disorder weather it was delayed sleep phase or non24 I got told basically. All you can do is control your light intake. Can I put a light box at my desk? Nope. Don't have a desk also i was an early childhood teacher so I sit in the dark for an hour twice a day while babies nap. Oh that's unfortunate. Try micro dosing melatonin. Honestly haven't given that the old college try because melatonin has such a ??? Effect on me that I have been too scared to give it a shot again because I have to get up for work the next day

I think it's just such a fucking awful way to live. I like having a "name" for it. Nice knowing what's going on. But there's still no answers as to how to help. But between that and ADHD it makes time SO difficult to understand and use effectively. And I'm constantly tired. Constantly. Because even if I get eight hours of sleep the delayed sleep phase means I don't feel rested if it's too early. And even if I fall asleep at a reasonable time and get up early for work the next day and I'm fine, within a day or two or three depending on how good I'm fighting it, I'll start going to be a little later. I think my "day" is 26 hours. I'm programed for about eight hours sleep and 18 hours awake, give or take a little. And that....that doesn't work with the real worlds 24 hour day and work schedules that start the same time every day.

Part of me thinks I'm kind of a mild case because I've learned how to live with it and I can hold down jobs it's just harder. But finishing school? School when first period was at 750 ? It's not THE reason I didn't finish high school but it's one of them. But also I've had this since I was a baby. My mother didn't know much from babies, but Ive worked with them for years now and now I know. No. It is not normal for your five month old to not fall asleep until 11pm-midnignt. I still slept the same AMOUNT of hours. But mom could start putting me to bed when I was eight pm and she'd just be rocking me for four hours and I'd fall asleep at 12 anyway, or just start the routine at 10pm and hope. My entire life was fighting my sleep cycle.

I didn't know there were so many of us.

one of the most enlightening realizations ive had was finding out that non-24 hour circadian rhythm people were a pretty large group and most of us have oddly similar cycles of usually around 28hr internal "days" and this masquerades as "insomnia" but if allowed to sleep and wake naturally we will just advance forward through time an extra 2-4 hours a day at a relatively stable pace. we can't go to school or jobs or even run errands on normal schedules without massive pharmacological and behavioral intervention. most of the people who have been diagnosed or figured it out themselves will report horrific, life-ruining disruption in their professional lives and terrible health from accrued lack of sleep. this disorder is most common in vision-impaired people which seems to suggest it's related to light cues. anyway just thinking about this as extremely loud yard work woke me up at 8am for the second day in a row

[jdgo51]

March 5, 2025

Ash Wednesday

George T. Wilkerson (Maryland, USA)

Today's Reading

Matthew 7:24-27

Thought for the Day

When we exercise our faith daily, we grow stronger spiritually.

Prayer Focus

Someone starting a new spiritual discipline

."The winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall." - Matthew 7:25 (NIV)

"I saw a commercial on TV advertising an exercise gadget. It showed models with perfect abdominal muscles and promised that I, too, could get in great shape if I bought this little contraption and used it — just five minutes a day, twice per week. For 15 years, I’ve exercised two hours a day, five days a week, so I know there’s no quick and easy way to get in shape.

This reminded me of how, after becoming a Christian, I thought all I had to do was go to church on Sundays and that would get my life in shape. But after years of doing this, I saw no real results. I still behaved mostly the same. I still had little peace and joy. And when going through hard times, my faith would crumble. Then I decided to commit to studying the Bible, and God opened my eyes.

I realized that simply going to church isn’t enough to build my faith. I need to exercise it daily by praying, reading and studying the Bible, and putting Christ’s teachings into practice in my life. After more than 10 years of practicing my faith, my behavior is more Christlike. I am full of peace and joy, and I can withstand the storms of life." Stay firmly planted in the arms of Jesus.

Today's Prayer

"Dear Father, help us to be doers of your word, not just hearers." Amen.

Matthew 7:24-27

"'24 “Everybody who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise builder who built a house on bedrock. 25 The rain fell, the floods came, and the wind blew and beat against that house. It didn’t fall because it was firmly set on bedrock. 26 But everybody who hears these words of mine and doesn’t put them into practice will be like a fool who built a house on sand. 27 The rain fell, the floods came, and the wind blew and beat against that house. It fell and was completely destroyed.” Put your foundation on the solid rock, Jesus. Wind and rain may come, but you will still stand. Bless you! Joe

[nathank77]

7/9/24

9:34 a.m Edited/Added to

So the hearing test I have appearantly excellent hearing yet it appears based on the graphs that it's a little worse than it was last time but not by much. It's frustrating cause I think I'd benefit from them but I don't meet the threshold. He doesn't even want a follow up, I can call if something seems off. I guess my tubes have cleared up which is nice.

My "perception" of hearing was marked as abnormal. That's the fucked part. He kept asking if I had something else in the background that would muffle sound and make it harder to hear. I didn't mention the hallucination bc- if i can hear you clearly, it drowns it out. If you're a room over it takes the person's voice. I didn't want to be labeled as crazy I want my medical files to be free of auditory hallucinations. Also it never steals the voice of someone I can hear clearly. Ever. It only does when the voice is too quiet.

The problem herein lies that until you can't hear anything under 26 decibels you have excellent hearing... and I'm right below the threshold so I'm still considered to have normal hearing despite hearing loss. I'm frustrated but whatever. Maybe in a year I'll call and see. I really wanted hearing aids cause I have to turn everything up louder and it's not due to the hallucination. The hallucination doesn't help.... but it doesn't drown out sound. The voice isn't loud I can just hear it clearly and only when something isn't louder than it. The test speaks for its self compared to last time it got worse. But whatever. Beyond that why do I have to turn up every device I have louder than I used to? Bc I'm right under the threshold. It's really obnoxious.

I got my new heart monitor thing and I put it on, I woke up with my chest feeling itchy af... and a poor skin contact reading. I removed it at 2 in the morning my skin was red and irritated. I'm starting to think I'm not going to be able to participate in the study and therefore I won't ever find out what's wrong with my heart. I mean the er picked up PVCs... so I mean even if it is straight panic attacks something is happening... I got to call cause I took Melatonin and Benadryl after removing the device, it almost took a hour to fall back to sleep and I wasn't going to fully wake myself up calling them. I got to check if there is a rash. Idk what to do. I didn't even sweat.

I planned out a game day today but once again I don't feel like gaming bc of my hallucination. I'm just watching ink master about to call the heart place and see what I can do bc I think I'm at the end of my rope for sensitive skin options.

No luck with dating go figure and I'm overwhelmed trying to find 2 therapists to replace Erin or just one who can see me twice a week... I'm still seeing the pre license but she's 26 and it's off putting working with someone younger than me. It was off putting working with mike and Kristen at first simply bc they are only a few years older than me.

I'm meeting with someone with 25 years of experience soon hopefully it's a good fit.

Anyways I feel really hopeless. I almost want to buy hearing amplifiers but I'm broke af. Really broke. Super broke. I can't afford to buy a 1$ thing of soap at the dollar store, let alone go to the MacBook store for my apple care...if I want to eat this month.

So it's whatever. I got a lot of appointments and shit this week. And I'm thinking about joining a local mentally ill place near me but it's work oriented... that's the problem I just want a place that I can go and paint, color, draw and talk to people without having IOP or something slapped on my record. I need to meet people but I dont need any counts against me on my medical file for being mentally ill, a psych ward hold is enough I would never do anything related to mental health but individual therapy at this point bc it would suggest potentially I can't take care of myself and I lack competency.

I wish hallucinating wasn't ruining my whole gaming experience and my passion..I wish I could meet someone. If I don't game I'm watching ink master all day cause I mean- I deserve a relaxing day I just wish I could enjoy gaming again but you try being immersed when all you hear is happy birthday if there isn't dialogue. It truly ruins everything. Busy work keeps my brain active on whatever task I'm doing and helps me ignore it bc I'm thinking about a lot of stuff.

I'll be busy the rest of the week so I'm hoping I can get motivated to play a game but last time it felt like a chore with the hallucination... a true chore.

Why can't I meet someone? It would be amazing if I had someone to talk to and someone to hang out with once a week. It would make a huge difference. I'd only join prime house to meet someone less crazy than me and find a gf. But it's kinda like going to a bar, you're going to meet Bar flies. At a crazy house, you're going to meet crazies. Not dateable people.

[limalosershq]

WELCOME, KEY! OR IS THAT KURT HUMMEL? EITHER WAY, YOU'RE A LIMA LOSER AROUND HERE NOW! Remember to look at our checklist here and then send in your account within 24 hours, if you need more time just let us know! That way I can send you the link to the discord server and you can get to plotting with everyone there. We all look forward to rping with you and once again, welcome to the mayhem of show choir!

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION

NAME/ALIAS: Key or Kyran, either works. PROUNOUNS: they/them AGE (21+): 26 TIMEZONE: EST ACTIVITY: 7. I work 32 hours a week so keep that in mind, but other than that, I can be very active.

IN CHARACTER INFORMATION

NAME: Kurt Elizabeth Hummel FACECLAIM: Troye Sivan AGE/BIRTHDAY: 22, 1/11 GLEE CLUB: New Directions SONG CHOICE: Express Yourself by Madonna MAJOR/MINOR/GRADE: Fashion design with a minor in music, he’d be a junior. LOCATION: Still lives at home, commutes to school. OCCUPATION: Barista at the Lima Bean. CLUBS/EXTRACURRICULARS/SPORTS: Fashion & Design club, GSA

LIST AT LEAST 3 HEADCANONS ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER!

Kurt has hand-made all of his clothing since he was 15 years of age, and learned how to sew originally from his mother. He turns to fashion to honor her legacy just as much as he does it for himself.

Kurt is allergic to most pets, though not to a deadly extent. Just enough that he wouldn’t elect to get a pet of his own.

Kurt originally came out of the closet at the age of 15 and suffered a great deal of bullying at his high school. He sees college as his first chance to really be as open as he can about himself.

QUESTIONS

IS THIS WHERE YOU PICTURED YOURSELF RIGHT NOW IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS?

Honestly, yes and no. I always knew one day I’d be studying fashion, and that I’d be top of my class while doing so. That was never a question for me. What I’m not too happy about is the job front… I mean, I swear I saw a rat in the Lima Bean at one point. It’s a travesty. I need the money though, that’s not negotiable.

HOW’RE YOU FEELING ABOUT ALL THE SHOW CHOIR RIVALRY?

May the best team win, as they say. I do think a lot of the pettiness and backstabbery is very immature for people that are all fully grown adults, but competition is fierce. I know if I was up against someone with everything on the line, people might not see a very pretty side of mister Kurt Hummel.

WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A LIMA LOSER? WHERE EXACTLY IS YOUR LIFE HEADED, OR REALLY, WHERE SHOULD IT BE HEADING?

For a good portion of my life I’ve definitely felt like a Lima loser. People all around me all but assured me that I didn’t matter, that I was worthless as a person. But I don’t know, I don’t think like that anymore. I plan to apply to Vogue next year and I hope I get in. If I get there, there’s no way anyone could refer to me as a Lima loser.

[beckitty]

I had an IUD put in to manage my endometriosis. I was told, like others, it would be a "little pinch" and to have some paracetamol before going to the appointment to cover "discomfort". I also had a hysteroscopy and biopsy done at the same time.

The hysteroscopy was fine, more uncomfortable than painful. The biopsy hurt, but I figured cutting part of my uterus away probably should, and brushed it of. The IUD insertion was a nightmare though. The doc went in with no anesthetic, and couldn't get my cervix open. Apparently I have scarring on it. So they decide to inject anasthetic into the cervix.

You know when you go to the dentist, and they have to inject anaesthesia into your gum, and it always hurts? Yeah, imagine that on an already hurting cervix.

After a few minute they decide I'm probably numb enough, and start trying again. It takes over half an hour and multiple attempts with an increasing amount of equipment for them to finally get the fucker in. All the time I'm breathing through the pain, reminding myself that it's not that bad, women have these done all the time. Then I get left to clean myself up and get dressed, and get to sit in a waiting room to recover until I'm ready to go.

It hurt, but I coped right? I was warned I might have some pain that could be managed with paracetamol and ibuprofen afterwards. Jokes on me, my pain got worse, and worse, and worse. Keep in mind I was on the 7th month of a period at that point, so if I had any bleeding or discharge from the surgery I couldn't tell.

I was told I could call the ward for help if I had a problem, so I did. They told me repeatedly that pain after this was normal, I was fine. I tried for 3 weeks to cope, until I collapsed, sobbing in pain in the middle of a nursing lecture.

The advantage of collapsing where I did was having access to nurses who specialised in women's health and pain management there, who were on the verge of calling me an ambulance, despite the fact that the medical school is very literally a 5 minute walk away from the women's hospital, and that's if you walk slow and don't take the shortcuts. I called the ward again, while one of my lecturers, a women's health specialist, stayed with me. The ward repeated that "some pain is normal", and my lecturer heard, and saw red. She got the name of the nurse on the ward, and ended the call. She helped me arrange an emergency appointment with my gp, since she doubted I would get the care I needed on that ward, and she later put in a complaint to the hospital and the NMC about the nurse in question.

I get to my gp, who gives me an extremely gentle pelvic exam. It still hurts like a motherfucker, but she tried. She told me she couldn't see my cervix properly as there was too much swelling in the area, and that might explain the fever I was running too. Yep, I had a massive infection, and if I hadn't had the gp take me seriously I would probably have missed it. I was in agony from a raging infection, but my pain was dismissed as normal and not worth worrying about.

The very worst thing about my story is I didn't need to say it. It's not new, it's not unusual, it's a common experience with a few personal details.

Also, this is from a Cochrane review of local anesthesia for uterine interventions from 2013:

We found that no technique provided reliable pain control in the 26 included studies. Some studies reported that women experienced severe pain (mean scores of 7 to 9 out of 10) during uterine intervention, irrespective of the analgesic technique used. ... We suggest that woman are likely to consider the rates and severity of pain during uterine interventions when performed awake to be unacceptable in the absence of neuraxial blockade

I hate how womens pain is dismissed as irrelevant or exaggerated, and how this is tied into sexual and gynacological care. And I'm so fucking glad I've found a doctor who actually listens and believes me, and is willing to give me a hysterectomy so I can opt out of this cycle of pain and bullshittery.

so one of the things that's so horrifying about birth control is that you have to, like, navigate this incredibly personal choice about your body and yet also face the epitome of misogyny. like, someone in the comments will say it wasn't that bad for me, and you'll be utterly silenced. like, everyone treats birth control like something that's super dirty. like, you have no fucking information or control over this thing because certain powerful people find it icky.

first it was the oral contraceptives. you went on those young, mostly for reasons unrelated to birth control - even your dermatologist suggested them to control your acne. the list of side effects was longer than your arm, and you just stared at it, horrified.

it made you so mentally ill, but you just heard that this was adulthood. that, yes, there are of course side effects, what did you expect. one day you looked up yasmin makes me depressed because surely this was far too intense, and you discovered that over 12,000 lawsuits had been successfully filed against the brand. it remains commonly prescribed on the open market. you switched brands a few times before oral contraceptives stopped being in any way effective. your doctor just, like, shrugged and said you could try a different brand again.

and the thing is that you're a feminist. you know from your own experience that birth control can be lifesaving, and that even when used for birth control - it is necessary healthcare. you have seen it save so many people from such bad situations, yourself included. it is critical that any person has access to birth control, and you would never suggest that we just get rid of all of it.

you were a little skeeved out by the implant (heard too many bad stories about it) and figured - okay, iud. it was some of the worst pain you've ever fucking experienced, and you did it with a small number of tylenol in your system (3), like you were getting your bikini line waxed instead of something practically sewn into your body.

and what's wild is that because sometimes it isn't a painful insertion process, it is vanishingly rare to find a doctor that will actually numb the area. while your doctor was talking to you about which brand to choose, you were thinking about the other ways you've been injured in your life. you thought about how you had a suspicious mole frozen off - something so small and easy - and how they'd numbed a huge area. you thought about when you broke your wrist and didn't actually notice, because you'd thought it was a sprain.

your understanding of pain is that how the human body responds to injury doesn't always relate to the actual pain tolerance of the person - it's more about how lucky that person is physically. maybe they broke it in a perfect way. maybe they happened to get hurt in a place without a lot of nerve endings. some people can handle a broken femur but crumble under a sore tooth. there's no true way to predict how "much" something actually hurts.

in no other situation would it be appropriate for doctors to ignore pain. just because someone can break their wrist and not feel it doesn't mean no one should receive pain meds for a broken wrist. it just means that particular person was lucky about it. it should not define treatment.

in the comments of videos about IUDs, literally thousands of people report agony. blinding, nauseating, soul-crushing agony. they say things like i had 2 kids and this was the worst thing i ever experienced or i literally have a tattoo on my ribs and it felt like a tickle. this thing almost killed me or would rather run into traffic than ever feel that again.

so it's either true that every single person who reports severe pain is exaggerating. or it's true that it's far more likely you will experience pain, rather than "just a pinch." and yet - there's nothing fucking been done about it. it kind of feels like a shrug is layered on top of everything - since technically it's elective, isn't it kind of your fault for agreeing to select it? stop being fearmongering. stop being defensive.

you fucking needed yours. you are almost weirdly protective of it. yours was so important for your physical and mental health. it helped you off hormonal birth control and even started helping some of your symptoms. it still fucking hurt for no fucking reason.

once while recovering from surgery, they offered you like 15 days of vicodin. you only took 2 of them. you've been offered oxy for tonsillitis. you turned down opioids while recovering from your wisdom tooth extraction. everything else has the option. you fucking drove yourself home after it, shocked and quietly weeping, feeling like something very bad had just happened. the nurse that held your hand during the experience looked down at you, tears in her eyes, and said - i know. this is cruelty in action.

and it's fucked up because the conversation is never just "hey, so the way we are doing this is fucking barbaric and doctors should be required to offer serious pain meds" - it's usually something around the lines of "well, it didn't kill you, did it?"

you just found out that removing that little bitch will hurt just as bad. a little pinch like how oral contraceptives have "some" serious symptoms. like your life and pain are expendable or not really important. like maybe we are all hysterical about it?

hysteria comes from the latin word for uterus, which is great!

you stand here at a crossroads. like - this thing is so important. did they really have to make it so fucking dangerous. and why is it that if you make a complaint, you're told - i didn't even want you to have this in the first place. we're told be careful what you wish for. we're told that it's our fault for wanting something so illict; we could simply choose not to need medication. that maybe if we don't like the scraps, we should get ready to starve.

we have been saying for so long - "i'm not asking you to remove the option, i'm asking you to reconsider the risk." this entire time we hear: well, this is what you wanted, isn't it?

[paying-the-price-everyday]

26 October 2022, Wednesday.

The last couple of weeks have been spent in endless revision.

Unlike other times, even with the exams looming around the corner I feel pretty calm.

I've been keeping to a rigid schedule these days and I'm so exhausted. I study, eat and sleep, just to rinse and repeat the next day. I've even had dreams about solving taxation problems, and sometimes it feels like I'll never have enough time. But I'm still happy. Happier about my life and my education than I've ever been.

You see, I've been studying for me. Not for a three hour exam. The panic stricken, emotional wreck that I used to be at exam time has all but disappeared.

Given the time constraints and the overall situation I feel like I have done my best. The result may not be what I want, but that's okay because the world is not going to end with this. The effort I put in is not wasted by one bad result. The hours spent in getting my concepts clear and practicing questions are not made worthless in any scenario.

I am not perfect and I am done making myself sick trying to be perfect.

-G

Ps. the sunset was perfect though.

[threebooksoneplot]

Episode 16: "Dates and Dateline" (Show Notes)

listen along here

Content warnings for discussion of suicide (33:10 — 36:17) and pedophilia/murder (1:21:21 — 1:27:45)

[00:01:39] The Tumblr Q&A for Life and Death in which Stephenie Meyer admits to trying to name Carine "Carlyle"

[00:02:20] It's "levi-OH-sa," not "levio-SAH"

I'm so sorry for 2023 harry potter reference but cmon

[00:04:58] G was not kidding about South Park being "a weird little Wild West town with like, cutouts of Cartman"

[00:05:38] Info on the South Park episode "Tweek x Craig," in which said characters get together

[00:06:13] Chatzy, apparently still going strong

[00:06:35] The Urban Dictionary entry for TwiMDB

[00:08:50] The CW's Nancy Drew (2019)

[00:12:41] Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight saga playlists

[00:14:47] The MTV article about Mitch Hansen + the band's Spotify

[00:15:28] The "Twilight Hour" album

[00:16:44] Jacob Black.mp3

[00:17:32] A World Without You.mp3

[00:17:59] Thorns.mp3

[00:18:12] I Don't Know.mp3

[00:18:42] She is Brighter.mp3

[00:19:09] Shannon's Twilight SAT book

[00:19:21] Nabokov’s Favorite Word is Mauve, the book that contains the “statistical analysis of Stephenie Meyer's word choice in the Twilight books” G is talking about (a recommended read!)

[00:20:28] The Bella Cullen Project

[00:21:44] Snag the download for Shannon’s "Then and Now (Alice’s Lullaby)" song here after you donate to the Quileute tribe's Move to Higher Ground fundraiser! (Don't forget to take a screenshot.)

[00:22:32] The "Edward playing music for Bella" meme

[00:23:46] Filk

[00:26:32] Shannon’s summary:

On a scale from 1-10, how weird is to hear all about your brand new girlfriend’s mom’s suicide attempts? Just asking for a friend. Beau might only be on Date #3 if we’re counting the sexy ravioli date, but he’s unlocking the first of much family trauma during this trip to the Cullen household. There’s ugly carpets, old paintings, and books and music galore! Beau is rolling with the punches in today’s chapter, and by punches I mean “tackles” because when Edythe tries to scare him, he just gets turned on about it. They make fun baseball plans with Archie and Jessamine, and if you’re quiet enough you can just barely hear Supermassive Black Hole playing in the distance. Things only get more exciting from here and I can’t wait to see the mess!

[00:31:13] G’s Animal Crossing: New Horizons recreation of Carlisle’s study, complete with Volturi painting

[00:34:16] The Groundhog Day suicide montage (obvious content warning here)

[00:39:06] Francesco Solimena, and a few examples of his work:

[00:39:38] The painting of Carlisle and the Volturi, as shown in New Moon and in the New Moon graphic novel

[00:40:57] G is incorrect—Edward has not told Bella he’s killed people yet. She’s getting mixed up with the movie, in which he does tell Bella he's a murderer during the meadow scene.

[00:54:20] Shannon’s Hot Topic jalice shirt, G’s Cullen crest and Bella rings (also from Hot Topic)

[01:16:11] The What We Do in the Shadows episode "The Orgy" (+ trailer)

[01:36:38] Follow Liza on instagram here!

Another action-packed show notes! Hope you enjoyed this week's adventures in music and art :))

[jdgo51]

DAILY DEVOTIONAL FOR SEPTEMBER 15, 2023

Putting God First

By Aya Bianca Into (Davao del Norte, Philippines)

READ MATTHEW 6:25-34

"Seek first [God’s] kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

MATTHEW 6:33 (NIV)

"Exams, scholarship requirements, extracurricular activities — this summed up my everyday life during my freshman year of college. The first few months went well. But I was part of a music organization that required several hours of practice every week — even on holidays. As time passed, I became exhausted with my routine. I started to worry that I might fail my exams and lose my scholarship.

One evening I felt God speaking to me, telling me to put God first on my to-do list each day and trust that my busy schedule and other concerns would be taken care of. So I committed to spend time praying and reading scripture every morning. As exam day approached, I saw how spending time with God regularly was helping me to put things in order — my studies, my time, and my daily tasks.

When my exam results came in, I was excited to see a near-perfect score. Truly God is faithful to the promise that if we put God first, God will take care of our daily needs. Time spent with God will never be in vain." Oh to have read this back in the day. It makes sense and I possibly had heard similar statements over my life until I got to college and later grad schools. Its funny how we hear things again and again and yet suddenly the message comes through one day. Is that day , too late? Nothing is ever too late.

TODAY'S PRAYER

"Dear God, thank you for taking care of our daily needs. Help us to spend more time with you even on busy days." Amen.

Matthew 6:25-34 25 “Therefore, I say to you, don’t worry about your life, what you’ll eat or what you’ll drink, or about your body, what you’ll wear. Isn’t life more than food and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds in the sky. They don’t sow seed or harvest grain or gather crops into barns. Yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you worth much more than they are? 27 Who among you by worrying can add a single moment to your life? 28 And why do you worry about clothes? Notice how the lilies in the field grow. They don’t wear themselves out with work, and they don’t spin cloth. 29 But I say to you that even Solomon in all of his splendor wasn’t dressed like one of these. 30 If God dresses grass in the field so beautifully, even though it’s alive today and tomorrow it’s thrown into the furnace, won’t God do much more for you, you people of weak faith? 31 Therefore, don’t worry and say, ‘What are we going to eat?’ or ‘What are we going to drink?’ or ‘What are we going to wear?’ 32 Gentiles long for all these things. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 Instead, desire first and foremost God’s kingdom and God’s righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore, stop worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Let's wake up. Seek God and everything else will go marvelously. We still want to worry, but we truly do not need to. (This is a hard lesson to learn, approaching 75 and I still don't believe it all the time.) Blessings, Joe