#i still miss the guinea pigs ngl

[kookslastbutton]

Too Late to Dream ༓ jjk (m) I ch. VII

✑ Summary: You did it. You married your college professor. You even bought a house together. Against all odds, everything had fallen into place. But after two years of marriage, you begin feeling something was missing. You want a baby but your husband can’t say the same.

Pairing: economics professor!jungkook x fem!artist!reader

AU/Genre: angst, smut, fluff, marriage au, age gap, series

Rating: M, 18+

Word Count: 6,656

Warnings: 8-year age gap, mentions of professor-student relationship (oc was a Masters student), cute date on the back of jk's car trunk, jk nervous, jk gives lots of gifts & flowers to oc, oc is obsessed with clearance chocolate, auntie oc and uncle kook take care of yoongi's twins, jk & oc become guinea pigs for yoongi's kids lmao, mention of dentist!yoongi, jk's mommy issues get mentioned, jk has personal daddy issues but he working through them, jk being good hubby to oc, just a rollercoaster of emotions ngl

Now Playing: Make It Right, Tryna Be, Infinity, It Will Rain, Heaven+

A/N: Hello! thanks for being patient with me guys!! Important: the flashback for this chapter follows events of chapter V and will refer to it. And yes it's thier first date! Kind of 👀👀 that will be for you to decide. Then we have present day jk and oc being guinea pigs for Yoongi's crazy twins hehehe. Ok pls, enjoy 💞

<< ch. VI ༓ ch. VIII >> ┃series masterlist

You know how some couples have multiple weddings that lead to disagreements over their real anniversary date? Or maybe it’ll be when the relationship was made official or what the first sign of attraction was? Yeah, that’s you and Jungkook when it comes to pinpointing exactly when your first date was.

If you ask your husband, he’ll tell you it was weeks after you were discharged from the hospital during your postgrad studies. But in your opinion, it was far before his timeframe.

You see due to a group of overly eager college freshmen, you had sprained your ankle and cracked a rib. Jungkook stayed with you the entire first two weeks of the recovery period. He'd bring study notes to you, your favorite food, hell even art supplies he bummed off Taehyung to help break up your mundane days in the hospital.

When the time finally came that you were well enough to finish the healing process at home, he suggested a dinner out would be an excellent way to celebrate.

"...do you wanna go out to dinner?" Jungkook pops the question more causal than expected.

"Are you asking me on a date…?"

His reply is barely audible but you hear it and for the first time, your professor sounds truly timid. "Uh, well…let's go with hang out like friends do."

You’re convinced that this was the first time he asked you out, thus leading to your first date. Your husband, however, thinks it was too vague to tell. He prefers to see it as more a pre-date instead.

So, was it a date?

Was it an unspoken pre-date?

The jury’s still out about this one.

4 years ago

It’s a gorgeous day with the way the sun beams on the hood of his car. A few scattered clouds, fluffy and white, float across the sky as well, offering shelter from the heat. You were discharged from the hospital only yesterday and Jungkook was already insistent on going out today, saying that a little fresh air and a change of scenery would be good for you.

“Where are we going?” You turn your head from the passenger window to look at the man inquisitively. It’s a simple question but the tension of the unknown nibbles at you from inside.

“One of my favorite spots,” Jungkook replies with his eyes set on the road. “Hope you don’t mind the drive. It’ll be another fifteen minutes.”

“It's fine. Why can’t I know where we’re going though?”

He hesitates to answer. “Do you not like surprises?”

You shrug. “Sure I do, as long as I know about them ahead of time.”

A hearty laugh follows your words and it sends one of the warmest feelings through your whole body. You didn't think you were being funny, but after being stuck in the hospital for two weeks, it's nice to feel something other than dismal. Jungkook is good at lifting your spirits at the most unexpected of times, you hum to yourself.

He looks handsome today too.

You can’t stop yourself from thinking about it as you watch a few strands of his dark hair blow over. He has his window cracked to let in a gentle breeze and though it causes him trouble here and there, he remains mostly unbothered.

The oversized white T-shirt he chose to wear is something you're still taking time to adjust to. Much more casual compared to what he wears during his lectures. But you like it with the loose-fitting pants he's paired it with.

"If it's necessary for you to know where we're going then I guess I have no choice." Jungkook looks in your direction but your gaze lingers down his torso. "__."

"Yes?" You immediately blink up at him, hoping you don’t look too flushed. Once he directs his attention back to the road you'll make sure to check yourself in the side-view mirror. Using your phone camera might look a little too obvious.

"I was saying if you need to know where we're going I'll tell you," he repeats. "But if it's possible I'd really like for it to be a secret until we get there."

"Alright," you concede. "I guess I could stand the wait this one time. This is your only freebie though. No more surprises after this."

"No more checking me out," he mutters.

"What?"

"Nothing."

.

"Can I open my eyes yet?"

"No." Jungkook opens his door and hops out of the car. "I'll be right back."

"Wait where are you going?" You know he wants whatever this is to be a surprise but you've been told to keep your eyes shut for the last five minutes. You're a little nervous to say the least, especially if he's about to disappear somewhere. "Jungkook?"

No response.

"Hello? Jungkook?" You're tempted to open your eyes when you hear the trunk of his car suddenly pop open. Several rustling noises follow as he digs around. "What are you doing back there?"

"You'll see soon. I'm almost done so just sit tight for a moment." He unzips a bag and then pushes said bag around the floorboard. The sound of something crashing on the ground perks up your ears in the moments following, earning a tiny 'shit' from Jungkook.

"Everything alright?" You're seriously getting antsy now.

When Jungkook swings your door open, a cool breeze hits your legs. "All good __. But now, I'm going to need you to trust me because I'm going to help you out of the car."

What?

"Um, I do have crutches I can use you know. You don't have to carry me anywhere like before. Dr. Kim said I should–"

"You won't need them this time. We're not going far okay?" He ducks his head inside and guides your arms around his neck. "Can you scoot forward a little?"

You do as he says until he tells you to stop. And with one arm supporting your lower back and the other firm under your legs, you're lifted out of your seat.

"Okay." The ground underneath his feet crunches as he straightens himself back up and out of the vehicle. "Now you can open your eyes."

As soon as you do your jaw drops.

"Surprise!"

Jungkook watches your stunned face as you take in all of Seoul from your perched position.

"I hope you don't mind that I didn't take us to a traditional restaurant. This is an overlook I happened to stumble on years ago when I first moved here. Not many people know about it because it's kind of off the beaten track but I get a bit adventurous sometimes."

He carries you around to the back of the car.

"Since you're still recovering I won't make us sit on the ground but I brought food that we can eat in the back of my trunk. There's a pillow there you can lean against too. And I made sure to park at an angle so we can watch the sunset."

"Wow...Jungkook I don't know what to say."

"It's cheesy isn't it?" His previously eager tone drops and you can't help but feel a pulling at your heartstrings. "I'm sorry if this isn't your thing. I probably should have asked."

"I love cheesy." You crack a small smile and Jungkook breaks out into a grin again, causing both of you have butterflies in your stomachs. "You're very thoughtful for doing this. I'm sorry about my initial reaction. I'm just shocked."

"Well, we're friends now, aren't we? You should get used to this kind of stuff from now on." He walks up to the trunk and carefully sets you down. "Here, lean back." He fluffs the pillow and then gestures for you to lay back.

Once you're comfortable, he hops in next to you and grabs the baby blue gift bag from the corner of the trunk. You don't know how you missed it before given its size and very decorative packaging.

"Before I give you this to you please know that I don't expect anything back okay?" His hands are shaky as he holds the bag on his lap. "This is just something I wanted to give you after your injury and having to be in the hospital for so long."

You nod your head in understanding but are not fully convinced. "And you're giving this to me as a friend, yes?" You take the bag from him and slowly open it.

"Mhm."

You narrow your eyes at him before reaching into the bag. You take out a very large, sturdy box. "God, Jungkook. This is so heavy. What's in here?" You tear apart the wrapping paper and open the smooth lid. "Oh my god, you didn't?!"

They're chocolates from the dessert shop you told him about last Sunday night. You had mentioned it in passing because you were craving sweets but not in the slightest did you think he'd take it to heart. The shop was at least an hour's drive away.

"Don't worry." He sees the pressure creeping on your face. "I was going that direction anyway. But I saw it on my way back and was reminded that you were craving it the other night. Uhm, there's also a coupon in there too. They included that in the purchase."

"Jungkook....you really didn't need to do any of this for me." You grab the small card laying at the bottom of the bag that reads 20% off. "Thank you so much."

"Oh, I almost forgot!" You're taken aback when he jumps off the trunk to scurry to the backseat. He returns in mere seconds with a generous bouquet of pink and purple hydrangeas. "These are for you too."

You shriek and grab them out of his hand, feeling a little giddy. Hydrangeas are your absolute favorites. "Sorry, that was really rude of me. These are so beautiful, though. Thank you. I don't know what to say."

Jungkook sits back down and pulls forward a freezer bag. "Seeing you this excited is enough. I brought us a lot of food too so, we should probably eat it before it starts going bad. This bag can only do so much preserving." He digs out box after box of yummy food from fresh strawberries to sushi. There are drinks too; banana milk and soju.

Your stomach growls as you watch him set the food between you both.

"Well, don't be shy." He hands you a plate with chopsticks. "Dig in."

.

"You look very pretty in that blouse..." He stabs his straw into his milk and takes a large sip. "The color really suits you."

"Oh, thank you." You manage the words once you swallow the strawberry you're eating. "Yours too."

Jungkook combs through his hair with his fingers. "Thanks, this t-shirt really brings out my eyes don't you think?" You laugh and shove his shoulder lightly.

"Stop, I'm being serious. I don't see you in this type of style often. It looks good."

He gives a playful shake of his head. "Where did you get that shirt anyway?" He gestures at your top again.

"At a store," you reply dumbly. "It was on sale. Gotta love a good deal right?"

"Yeah, absolutely. Never pay full price."

"That's exactly what I try telling my roommate. She only buys the best of the best but I think she could get the same thing 50% off if she waited long enough."

"You know Taehyung's the same way. Nothing but luxury from head to toe. I'm surprised he paints in a basic t-shirt and jeans some days."

You chuckle, feeling the air light and fresh. "Painting gets messy so it's better you not wear your best and brightest clothes. Sometimes I'll just wear a giant t-shirt that already has paint stains and nothing el–"

Shit.

You cringe at how quickly you can run your mouth. Jungkook doesn't need to know your painting attire evident from his sudden frozen up form.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it."

"I'm embarrassed."

"Don't be. I've heard worse." Jungkook clears his throat and looks out to the view in front of you. "This really is a beautiful spot is it not?"

Thank you for the deflection, you silently say to him.

"Yes, it's the best view I've seen in my life. I can't believe you found this place. It's like seeing everything for the first time again."

.

"__."

"Hm?"

"Is it weird that I–" He stops mid-sentence, hands rubbing his thigh. "Is it weird that I brought you here?"

"Of c–"

"No wait, wait that's not what I wanted to ask." He runs his fingers through his hair again, doing his best to keep eye contact. "What would you say if someone were to ask you out?"

You relax into a tight-lipped smile and quirk your head to a slight angle. "I'd probably say no because I'm on a date with you right now."

At this Jungkook's milk slips from his hand, spilling on his pants. You grab some napkins next to you and help him wipe the spillage off.

"We're on a date?" He stands the milk upright. "This is a date?"

"Yes, it very obviously is. I don't wear this top for just anyone you know." You close your mouth instantly and sit up straight. "You weren't meant to hear the last part."

"Wait, go back. I thought this was us hanging out. Remember? At the hospital, I said–"

"C'mon the flowers, the specialty chocolates, taking me to one of your secret hideouts. Not to mention packing all this food to share. It is most definitely a date. Do you not want it to be?"

"No! I mean of course, yes. But I would have dressed a lot better." He looks down at himself, embarrassed. "I just threw these on before I left the house."

"And what else would you have worn? I see you in dress shirts and slacks twice a week at the school, if not more."

"Oh, I guess you have a point." He lets out a sigh. "To be honest __. We don't have the most proper relationship for that kind of thing, do we? It's annoying that I keep saying it but I am still your professor until the end of this semester at least. Us dating would be kind of a breach of contract."

"So you won't call this a date because you think it's forbidden?" You cross your arms.

"Well not entirely. It's just...I'm scared. There it is. And if we plan to do any sneaking around business I need to know you...shit, this is going to sound so middle school of me...I need to know you're interested in me __."

"For fucksake Jungkook, I wouldn't have agreed to come if I wasn't interested." You move closer to his side so you're inches from his face. "You're the kindest person I've ever known and I'd like to know you more like you've been doing for me the past two weeks. You've gone out of your way so many times for me that I seriously can't keep up. And while I can't say that I'm in love with you since it's much too soon, I've become very attracted to you. It just sucks we're in a bit of an odd position with school and all. But we can make this work. I'm also in post-grad so I don't think we're doing anything that risky."

"What about Taehyung?"

"That's all you got out of what I just said?"

"Sorry, I'm just asking because you seemed into him at the art exhibit. You're both artistic after all." He fiddles with his fingers. "I'm just the guy who you got stuck with this year because you couldn't major in art."

You feel compelled to take one of his restless hands in your own, so you do–holding it loosely.

"Kim Taehyung was simply a visual interest," you say. "I never thought about anything serious with him. He's also faculty so unless he saves my life or something, I'm not really considering anything beyond a friendly report."

A moment of silence is exchanged as Jungkook lets your response sink in. And as long as your eyes aren't fooling you, you'd say he's more than pleased with it.

"So...you really wanna do this?" Jungkook asks with more anticipation than nervousness this time.

"Yes." You nod.

"Wow, okay um, well when do you want to go out?" He kicks his feet back and forth. And when he reflexively squeezes your hand you can't help but grin at his eagerness. "I'm free every weekend if that works for you."

"We should probably get to the end of this date first Dr. Jeon."

"Nooo, I like Jungkook. Can we stay with Jungkook when it's just you and me? Also, this isn't a date. We need a do-over."

You laugh, seeing a new side of him. He's more, hm, whiny than you thought–it's cute.

"Jungkook, we don't need a do-over. This can be a date if we want it to be. It's got all the elements already. Look." You lift his hand in yours. "We're already holding hands.

"Nope. When are you free?"

"How about this coming Friday after 4pm? Is that too far out?"

He shakes his head fervently. "It works perfectly for me. Let's do 4:01pm." Your baffled expression causes his own eyebrows to knit together. "What? You can't do 4:01?"

"I–yeah sure I can but I didn't expect you to suggest a time so soon."

"Well, you said you'd be free after 4pm right?"

You nod.

"Then it's a date!"

He smiles wide and you do the same.

Present

"Kook, grab us a cart. You won't believe what's on sale!" You stuff about five gold-foiled boxes under your arm. The yellow tag next to the price says 75% off which means you are for sure buying at least ten of these.

It's times like these that your husband enjoys watching you most. You can barely reach the self where the clearance chocolate is, nevertheless, you're on your tip-toes with arms fully extended above your head to grab at every box of sweets you can.

His inner hero wants to help but he's learned early on not to get in the middle of you and your favorite snack. It's better he listens to your request to get a cart instead.

"Don't hurt yourself in the five minutes I'm gone okay honey?"

"Mhm," you mumble, not really paying attention. "Kook this chocolate has caramel and orange inside. Oh my god, look." You show him a box of chocolates with cherry filling. "These are to die for. I need like six of these."

"Here give me some of those." Jungkook takes the boxes of chocolates from your arm when he sees them slipping from your hold. "I'll put these in a cart while you keep digging. But if someone else comes along, let them have at least one this time."

He knows how much of a little hog you can get with your candy.

"Are you kidding? Finders keepers." You reach for another box, the ones in the back are always the best.

"__."

"What? I'm doing all the hard work here which means I get to keep all the chocolate."

"Fine, fine. Be sure to check the expiration date too." Jungkook turns around to stalk toward the front of the store. If he doesn't get his butt to a cart soon, his wife is going to turn into a grizzly bear.

A very cute grizzly bear.

But a grizzly bear nonetheless.

"Did we really need thirty boxes of these?" Jungkook dumps the grocery bags on your kitchen counter. "I love you but this is insane. Who's going to eat all of this chocolate?"

"Well, I was planning on sending the twins home with some." You rummage through the bag then move to stack them in the pantry. "They'll be here in an hour so it can be a surprise from us."

"Yoongi's twins? You're going to send the two children whose father is a dentist a whopping bag of chocolate?" Jungkook hands you another box to put in the pantry. The little assembly line works well when putting groceries away.

"I'm only giving them one box okay? So Yoongi can shove it."

You hear a snickering behind you.

"Honey don't push the man who could likely yank all your teeth out of your head and end with, 'will that be all?'"

You roll your eyes. "Yoongi doesn't scare me like he scares you. But if you're so worried I will get his permission ahead of time."

Jungkook's mouth opens in response until he feels a slight vibration in his pant pocket. When he takes it out to check his initial good mood drops about ten degrees.

"Kook?" You watch as he reads whatever it is on his phone.

"Nothing." He switches off the device and places it face-down on the counter. "It's just dad."

"Something about your mom I'm presuming?"

Being Saturday, it's been a few days since Jungkook had his fallout with his mother. They were originally planning to stay in town until Friday but left Thursday morning instead due to Mrs. Jeon feeling "unwanted".

Your husband's been in close contact with his father ever since.

"Yeah," Jungkook lets out an exasperated sigh. "She's journaling again apparently. It's what she does to cope with frustrations like me."

"I'm sorry Kook." You rub his arm soothingly. "Maybe she needs some time to think about everything that's happened. I know you want her to talk to you but maybe it's not all bad that she's jotting things down first."

"Yeah, maybe." He takes your hand and presses a light kiss against the back of your knuckles. "It's whatever though, Mom can have her fit. I'm not going to let her ruin one of the only free days I get with my wife."

You smile and quickly peck his soft lips–something Jungkook wishes would be longer.

"Love you," you say and return to your original task of putting groceries away.

 "Listen to me you two gremlins," Yoongi says on a bent knee. "Eomma and I will be back by 8pm. Until then your uncle Jungkook and Aunt __ are in charge. You know the rules, no jumping around on the sofas, don't into Aunt __'s paints, stay out of Uncle Jungkook's office, and under no condition are you to get into sweets."

He flicks his eyes to you for a brief moment then sets them back on the two seven-year-old girls in front of him. They look adorable with their matching space buns.

"But Appa–"

"No Eun-ji."

"Can't I just have one? Pleaseee?" She stares up at Yoongi with large eyes, hands clasped together. His second daughter Ari quickly does the same.

"We promise we'll brush our teeth right after."

Yoongi's face remains unmoved at his twin's relentless need for chocolate. Sure, he may be the one more likely to cave to requests when it comes between him and his wife but sweets were definitely off the table. His girls just got their teeth cleaned a couple days ago too, cavity-free, and he intends to keep it that way.

"Did you even bring your toothbrushes?" He knows for a fact they did not being that they weren't staying the night.

The twins exchange looks before breaking into a goofy grin. Mrs. Min leans down next to her husband at the moment and draws her girls into a hug.

"Appa and I will bring you back something better than chocolate tonight, okay?" She kisses her daughter's cheeks and then stands up. "Be good."

"K..." The twins let out a small huff then turn to set their backpacks on the living room couch.

"Hey," Yoongi calls after them. "Where's my hug?"

You let out a snort when you see Eun-ji face her dad again, tongue sticking out. Her sister gives a similar attitude with her hands on her hips and scrunched-up face. These girls might be in elementary school now but boy, those teenage years are sure to be rocking.

"Turn." You hear Ari from across the living room. She's standing on the sofa with her small hands holding a chunk of your husband's hair.

"Like this?"

"No the other side."

With his legs crossed on the floor, Jungkook shifts his head toward your direction with widened eyes. At this point, most of his hair has been pulled back into tight braids and finished off with yellow and pink hair clips. The only section left to do now was the underside.

"How do I look?" he asks you.

"Oh, you look breathtaking honey." You feel a soft makeup brush swipe across your cheek, courtesy of Eun-ji who's decided you needed a 'makeover'. You're not sure if that means a seven year old cramped on your style or what, but either way, you're getting bronze cheeks and glittery eyeshadow.

It's only been half an hour and the twins were already making you and your husband do their utmost bidding.

"Ari honey," you coo. "You should become a hairstylist when you grow up. You're doing such a good job with Uncle Jungkook's hair."

"I know," she sasses. "I'm good at this stuff Auntie. Everyone says that I am the queen of doing hair."

You and Jungkook giggle from the small child's gumption. It's good she's confident, you mouth to your husband.

He nods back. "Eun-ji's doing a great job too. You should see the glitter she's chosen for you."

"Not yet Uncle Jungkook," Eun-ji pipes up. "She can't look yet. It's a surprise!"

"Ah okay." He throws you playful eyes, eyebrows bouncing up and down suggestively. "A surprise huh?"

You flutter your eyes closed when you see Eun-ji dab her palette and reach forward to paint the eyeshadow over your lids. "Yup." she nods her head. "I'm giving Auntie the best color ever."

"Wow I can't wait to see honey," you say. "This wouldn't happen to be your favorite color would it?"

The tease in your tone makes Eun-ji grin. Of course, you can't see it but Jungkook can and it causes him to break out into a boisterous chuckle.

"You're so cute Eun-ji," he says, clapping his hands together.

"What about me?" It's Ari's sassiness making a comeback as she pushes the final yellow clip into Jungkook's hair.

"You're cute too Ari." You reassure the child and open your lids once Eun-ji gives you the okay. Not a second following that you're thrusted forward a hand-held mirror.

"What do you think?"

You glance at yourself in the reflection, blush blue eyeshadow that covers up to your eyebrows and bronze blush. You have ruby red lipstick on as well, Eun-ji's personal favorite.

"I love it, sweetheart. Thank you so much."

"You're welcome." She gathers all the makeup containers and tools she can fit in her hands before making her way to your husband. "You're turn Jungkook."

"Okay, but can I pick what color this time?" Your husband smiles at the child with mirthful eyes.

"No." She sets the make-up in front of him and pops open a bright, Barbie pink lipstick.

"Anti-ti-ti-ti fragile, fragile!"

You watch from the kitchen as the twins jump around in the living room. After your makeover, the girls felt like a karaoke session was in order. They convinced Jungkook to join them so there he is with a microphone in his hand, belting the lyric of 'Antifragile' by LE SSERAFIM.

"Come on __!" Ari calls to you, breath heavy from all the rambunctious dancing. "Sing with us!"

You laugh and whisk the bowl of flour and sugar in front of you. "No you guys keep going. I'm a little busy at the moment."

"Doing what?" She runs up to the kitchen island where you stand, trying to peek inside the bowl.

"I'm making cookies."

"Really?" She rushes to the other side of the island to pull out the stool from underneath. Once she settles herself in the chair she looks at you with eagerness. "Can we eat them?"

"Hmm..." You pretend to think. "Didn't your dad tell you no?"

"Yeah, but you always give us sweets. Even if he says we can't have them."

The child has a point.

"How about this, if you help me make these you can eat them. But you can't tell your dad okay?" Ari nods. "Good, you can stir this for me while I crack some eggs."

"Just what are you doing?" You jump when Jungkook walks up behind you. "You wouldn't be giving these sweet girls something their parents told them they could have, would you?"

"Dad will be really mad if he finds out," Eun-ji joins in on the scolding. She turns down the music from the tv and folds her arms.

"Well I–"

"If you're going behind Yoongi hyung's back you're going to need some help, honey." Jungkook slides one of the kitchen draws open and reaches to take out a small plastic bag. He throws out two brand new kid-size toothbrushes, orange and blue. "Had a feeling we'd need these tonight after seeing you stock up on all that chocolate today."

"Now girls..." He turns to look at Ari and Eun-ji who seem to be busy mixing the bowl of flour and sugar together. "Hey girls."

They lift their heads.

"Make sure to brush twice before your dad gets back. This stays our little secret, understand?"

"Okay," they say in unison.

"Thank you Kook." You lean your head against your husband's firm chest, resting for a moment. This whole situation is kind of funny if you think about it. But you really hope you don't get beef from Yoongi later.

"Anything for you," Jungkook quips and kisses your head gently.

"Ew..." You hear Ari say.

"No it's not," Eun-ji bites back. "It's romantic, like the movies."

Ari scrunches her face at her sister. "No it's not."

"Yes it is."

"Nope."

You and Jungkook wait for the two of them to simmer down but they keep going at it. Yes, no, yes, no...back and forth until one of them scoops up a handful of the flour in the bowl and tosses it at the other.

"Uh okay, no more! No more." You and Jungkook lunge forward to sweep the bowl out of their reach.

"How about you let Auntie and Uncle finish making the cookies and you two go back to karaoke?" Jungkook successfully persuades the twins and they run back into the living room in search of the next biggest hit to jam to.

You lock eyes with Jungkook now, wordless.

"Hm?" He hums at you.

"Mm." You shrug your shoulders and move towards the fridge but not before you're flicked with some of the flour yourself–your husband's hand powdery from the mixture. "Kook!"

You wipe your face, and light laughs fall from both your lips.

"Okay girls, get brushing!" Jungkook guides the twins to the bathroom. "Your parents are going to be home in fifteen minutes and that means these teeth need to smell like nothing my fresh mint." He squeezes the toothpaste on each girl's brush.

"Bursh, brush, brush," he chants and you shake your head as you wash the cookie sheet in the kitchen sink.

The twins have eaten about three cookies each and with chocolate stains all over their faces, they're going to need more than a 2-minute teeth brushing.

"Honey, I'm cracking the windows open and lighting my candles." Jungkook rushes around the house in search of his vanilla bean scents.

"I don't think that's going to take away the smell in such a short time. We should probably just take the beating Kook," you holler back.

"Oh, we're definitely getting dragged out tonight." He yanks the candle jars open and lights them. "The smell of freshly baked cookies is still too strong to hide but I'm hoping these candles will act as a distraction."

You hit your husband with the kitchen towel, the snap of it making him throw you a startled look. "Shit–do you not see the lighter in my hand?"

You roll your eyes. "Relax drama queen, you didn't have it ignited yet. Anyway, the candles aren't necessary if we're opening all the windows."

"It'll help though."

"Not really."

"Well, I think they will."

Jungkook goes back to lighting his candles and once he has the twentieth one lit, he's thoroughly pleased with himself.

As soon as the twins finish cleaning themselves up, they help scatters them throughout the house, leaving them in as many corners with surfaces as possible.

"Okay, that's it! That's the last one." Jungkook high-fives the twins and you toss the last dish in the drying rack.

"Good job team." You laugh and join them in the living room.

Eun-ji plops herself on the sofa with her backpack in her lap. "I had a lot of fun tonight."

Ari joins her on the couch with her own backpack in hand. "Me too." She pauses and then says something that you and Jungkook were very much underprepared for.

"You would make good mom and dads."

"You think so?" Jungkook shocks you by responding first.

Ari nods. "If you had kids, we could all play together. And we can have all the cookies we want because we'll be best friends. And best friends share everything!"

"So you want Auntie and I to have kids so you can keep hiding cookies from your dad?" Jungkook lunges forward to tickle the child mercilessly. "You little cookie monster!"

Ari rolls around on the couch, giggling repeatedly. You can't help but feel the thumping of your heart as you watch the scene unfold. And for the slightest moment, you imagine what it would be like with your own child.

All those thoughts are put to an abrupt end however when the doorbell rings.

Jungkook flies to the door to let Yoongi and his wife in. He flashes you a little smile before opening it, ensuring you that whatever happens he's got your back.

"Were you guys baking in here?" Are Yoongi's first words as he and the Mrs step inside the entryway of your house.

"Um, no? No, I don't think so." Jungkook feigns ignorance. "It must be coming from our neighbor's house."

With the twins home with their parents, you and Jungkook curl up together in your bed. You nuzzle your head in his inner shoulder and his arm holds around your waist.

"Those girls are a lot," Jungkook says. "But you know, I have to agree with them this time–it was kinda fun."

"Yeah?" You aimlessly trace circles on his chest.

"Still crazy, but yeah. I felt like I had a lot of good energy inside me tonight. And you know something else?" He looks down at you.

"What?"

"We'd make pretty damn good parents."

You bolt up from your reclined position the second the words drop.

"You can't keep doing this to me Jungkook," you say, your hands gripping the soft comforter. This isn't the first time he's teased you with having a baby and every time he does, you don't know what to take it as.

Is it a joke, is he serious, or just talking?

"You know how I feel and–"

"Hey." Your husband leans up to stroke your back with warm hands. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry honey. I don't mean to confuse you. I really am thinking about it you know? With everything that's been going on with my parents lately, I know I've been hard to pin down but I really am serious when I say we'd make good parents. Or when I say we might have a possible baby to make one day."

"Might. Could make. Maybe." You stare straight at your husband. "I know you're warming up the idea but you're still talking in such vague terms. I'm not at all trying to rush us to decide on a baby or not. But I just don't want to get a false sense of hope...that you'll say yes."

"Come here." He draws you into an embrace and kisses your cheeks, both of them. "I'm sorry for being an idiot. I admit the first few times I was more loose with what I was saying than I should have been. But I swear I, it was never my intention to be leaving you guessing. I'm so sorry."

"I just want to know what you really think Kook. So I can be sure where you're at through this whole thing. The last few days have thrown a wrench at us with all the stuff your mom's been doing. But I'd still like to be in the loop of things."

"Yes, of course. I'm going to tell you everything right now okay?" Jungkook takes a breath. "I want to give you a baby so bad and I think I'm 70 percent there. But I'm also 60% not there because I'm terribly scared that once it happens, once we have a baby...that I'll revert back to my original mindset of not wanting one."

"Kook–"

"Hold on a second."

You close your mouth and allow him to continue.

"I've already started seeing and feeling being around kids differently than before. So much so that I think we could be happy if we started a family together because I'm so happy when I'm with you. And if there's anyone I could do that with, it'd be you and only you. So yes, I want us to have a baby, as many as you want, but I want to be 100% there first."

"Okay, that's fair. I'm not going to lie that I don't feel a little out of body from what you just said. Just to clarify, you're saying yes to how many babies?" You shine your eyes at him. "You said you want to give me as many babies as I want right? How many would that be?"

"My limit is yet to be determined." He grins at you. "It seems I might need to repeat some things if all you got out of what I just said is that I'll give you as many babies as you want."

"No, actually." You grip his hand. "I heard what you said and thank you. I feel a lot better knowing your thought process through this whole thing. We both need to be 100 % in before deciding on this next step in our lives. And about you being worried that you'll revert back to not wanting children. I'm no expert but I don't think that'll be true given your recent exposure with kids has made you feel better than worse. You said it yourself–you had a lot of good energy inside you tonight."

"True. You make an excellent point there. I think I still need some more time though. I was even thinking that maybe I'll....talk to Hoseok about this."

"I'm glad to hear that Kook. Hoseok is an amazing man and I know talking to him about all this will be nothing but beneficial for you."

"Thank you for being patient with me." Jungkook pulls you both down on the mattress, closing his eyes when his head hits the pillow.

"Same to you." You snuggle back into his chest. "I really hope we can have a family together."

"Me too," you hear him mumble before you close your own eyes.

A/N: Yup I told you this would be a long one. Ty for sticking with me! Also, what do you think? Was it a first date or not? LMK your thoughts 🥰

Masterlist

Taglist:

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no reposting, copying, or translating my work– © kookslastbutton

[l0reenthusiast]

Genshin Headcanons because I'm in the mood

Sucrose has glasses not because she has bad eyesightin her eyes, but it's because her left eye is a lazy eyeAND has shir vision. the other one is perfectly fine

Lumine is a Grey-Romantic lesbian.

Venti is Genderqueer, he told me himself.

ALL, and I mean, ALL genshin characters are Ambiamorous. Except for Xiangling, Hu Tao, and Yoimiya because i headcanon them as AroAce.

Scaramouche, Heizou, Gorou, Tighnari, Xinqiu, Fischl, Xinyan, Candace, and Kaeya are Omnisexual.

Mika has Social Anxiety.

The reason Venti has that circle thing or whatever on his chest in his archon form is because after he took Nameless Bard's form, he looked at where he was shot and was just like 'never again'.

this one is purely based off of Lunasmr's one video, but when venti first realized he started to see himself in mirrors instead of the nameless bard, he broke the mirror and felt immense guilt for a long time

scaramouche HATES ei (no shit), but a part of him still wishes that she could be an actual mother to him and still loves her in a way.

Fischl and Gundham Tanaka would be siblings if they ever met. Don't even try to fight me on this you know I'm right.

Venti and Miko gossip about what goes on in their respective nations. Venti just pops over to Miko like "MIKO HOLY FUCK"

Diluc is like my dad is which you will adopt a cat with him, he will treat the thing like it's royalty, and claim he's "not a cat person". And you will then proceed to adopt several more cats, and the process will repeat.

Noelle has guinea pigs. Their names are Oreo and Flower because those were the names of mine.

Speaking of which Scaramouche and Sucrose each have a hampster. Sucrose's is names Princess (klee named it), and Scara's is named Mesu Inu.

[golbrocklovely]

since i was nicely asked to do so...

here are more of colby’s tweets from 2019.

i don’t have proof that these are his tweets, but believe me, they are his.

if it’s bold and italicized, it’s someone’s tweet to him.

if it’s in (), that’s just me commenting lol

added bonus: if they have a * next to them, that means it’s been deleted

~~~~~~~~~~~

July 4 - sometimes i take the stairs cause i don’t wanna see people in the elevator

July 6 - i jus wanna drink mikes hard with my bros

July 7 - *random girl comes up to us* “OMG I THINK I KNOW YOU GUYS, WHO ARE YOU!?” us: “Jack and Jack” “HAHAH I WISH” *runs away*

July 9 - i still have a fat crush on gwen stefani

July 10 - it only takes one thing to make me not interested anymore

July 11 - everything will come full circle sooner or later. law of attraction

i’m in every hot topic , send me a pic if you see me

July 13 - i’m a mess

July 18 - it’s hard to let people in

July 20 - kidney stones scare me like i don’t wanna piss out a rock

(the difference two days can make huh? sksks i hate him SO MUCH)

July 23 - i just had a terrible nightmare

July 25 - it’s never been the same after

July 26 - WHO CARES ABOUT PEOPLE WE HAVE DOGS

Aug. 3 - i could sleep forever if i wanted to

Aug. 8 - everyone talks shit in LA

@/mikes_dead: lmao who we fightin b

@/colbybrock: everyone

my anxiety has been through the roof this past few days .. but we’ll be fine i’m so excited !

Aug. 9 - do what you want just don’t lie to me .. i see right through it

self care, i’m treatin meeeeeee right

Aug. 11 - sam and colby vs. the world. we love you guys, never forget. #ChoiceYoutuber let’s go baby

(wow this feels like forever ago at this point)

WE THOUGHT THEY WERE KIDDING hahahaha only we would do that

Aug. 12 - life feels so surreal lately

Aug. 14 - everyone needs a day where you can just curl up in a ball and do NOTHING.

Aug. 17 - i used to to have 3 guinea pigs named Patch, Reno, and Taho they all died horrible deaths

(this man has brought this up multiple times over the years and has never explained what happened. WE NEED ANSWERS COLBERT)

i miss the middle school Warped Tour days

Aug. 19 - pretty sure my neighbors think i’m a crackhead

Aug. 20 - i don’t like who i was then

Aug. 23 - @/mikes_dead: Everyone pray for my boy @/ColbyBrock nothings wrong with him he just ugly

you just mad cause i spanked you in beer pong

Aug. 27 - you can find me on my balcony listening to music most late nights

Aug. 28 - Sam and I have been working for the past few years on this project that’s literally the reason we started social media. it’s finally almost here .. revamped and better than ever.

if you’ve ever felt alone, help is on the way i promise

ill pour my heart n soul out

Aug. 29 - need to escape

Sept. 1 - i’ve been watching joey graceffa puppy videos every day ngl

Sept. 2 - nothing lasts forever make it count

no one will have me like you had me

Sept. 4 - i just got tickled on live TV how’s your day goin

Sept. 6 - calvin klein x colby brock ?

Sept. 10 - i always have a random song playing in the back of my head

Sept. 13 - being yourself no matter what anyone thinks is so important

my friends have been tellin me i’ve got a big head… not sure why (with a pic of him surrounded by himself lol)

Sept. 18 - ALL BLACK ALWAYS

Sept. 23 - i’ve grown up so much over the past few years. 2015 me is someone i’d like to leave behind forever

(he really doesn't like his past self. i'm not sure why…)

Sept. 25 - i’m constantly having a mental battle of whether i wanna go workout or eat a chalupa

[askthechaoticcharacters]

Mod Kou’s Intro~

Hihi all!! My name is Kou (also been called Crimson/Crispy), and I’m one of the mods of this lovely little chaotic blog! 

A little bit about me, I am a tiny, anxious fire bunny who loves music, drawing, and worldbuilding! (eh,, I’m always really bad at listing likes and dislikes lkgfgfk) I am very very terrified of spiders and I cannot, for the life of me, confront people. My main blog is @crimsonsolace and my art blog is @bunny-arts !!  I’ll most likely be answering asks with drawings and stuff ^^

Anyways, enough about me... Time to meet my characters! I’m gonna put them under a read more (which I just figured out how to do, yay!) so you don’t get floodedkdfslk 

Uh. be prepared for a lot of text. I’m so sorry. I got carried away. 

Earth Chat

Crimzon - A guardian Demon, born with only the reason to protect others in war. She came to Earth with no clear purpose, worried her illness would take her over and kill her before she found someone to serve. But, thankfully! She found a child, Willow, out on the streets with no caretakers! Despite being awful with children, she took matters into her own hands and now protects Willow as she searches for proper parents for the child! 

Trilis - Riil’s ‘mother’, having fled to Earth after their family was killed by a group of vampires. Though not actually their mother, Trilis is Riil’s Mom’s cousin, and they took it as their responsibility to care for the child, even though they have a deadly illness that will soon take their life. Unfortunately, Riil knows nothing of their dead family nor Trilis’s illness.. Oh! They also have an adopted child, Melody, and are good friends with Eos! They are,,, the Mama Demon that you NEVER mess with. terrifying.. uses a spear with a leaf etched on its blade.. other stuff,

Teen!Riil - The teenage version of Riil, a salty demon whose best friend is Beep! They refuse to go anywhere without either their mother (Trilis) or Beep with them unless they’re horribly upset, and can tend to get jealous when they see another child with their mother. They’re also very willing to throw down for their bestie, even if they wont admit he’s their best friendkfflkkfjgfd 

Universe - The goddess of the universe, a tall, joyful, kind woman! Married to Eos, her child is Osiris, she lives a happy life with her family and works at a lab! I dunno if there’s much to say on her, honestly,, 

Teen!Osiris - A teenage version of Osiris! Child of Universe and Eos, she’s like.. 16 here? They are very playful, still curious as ever, but is terrified of learning how to fly and sort of procrastinates on learning her magic and stuff. They’re a very childish life god ^^;

Faura + Ufio - FAURA! The, uh. Meme master and fourth-wall breaker of my bunch- She’s a witch who came to Earth to break free of her chains back home, and now runs Faura’s Bakery! She has a special interest in tech, after finding her best bud Ufio- which is a small UFO that she’s been fixing up ever since she found him in a junkyard! She’s also really, really clumsy,

Helroe + Gaser - The parents of Ainara, who brought her to Earth to punish her for attempting to run away. Both are magic users who force the same profession on Ain, despite the fact she’s always had difficulties with magic. They are cold, harsh, and often would refuse her food if she couldn’t study properly. They are bastards(tm) 

Earth!Ainara - This Ain is a mouse, and extra tiny! She’s also a magic user instead of an axe user, and is much more easily startled than the normal Ain. Thankfully, she was rescued and taken in by Axis, and now she lives with him sorta! Oh also she can turn into a littol mouse,

DnD Chat

Elyscia - An Elf bard who plays harp, violin, and piano! She’s elegant, glittery, and very charismatic! Has an adopted child, Connor, and a girlfriend, Nathala :> She’s... probably one of my most sane characters ngl. Oh also she’s 7′5-

Shizue - A Mermaid sorceress, doomed to be lost in the woods forever... The silly Mermaid has a very low attention span, and gets distracted by anything and everything very quickly! She’s seen with her big pet guinea pig, Chonk! 

Ainara - A Gnome barbarian wielding a giant axe, two handaxes, and a boomerang axe! Ran from her abusive parents and met her master Faerghis, who took her in and taught her how to use her weapons! However, they died, and she ended up in the forest of the DnD chat where she met her current best friend, Axis, and her adopted child, Willow! She is Feral Gnome.

DnD!Riil - Less than a year old, this Riil lost most of their family in an attack, found and saved by Roisin, their new mother. The small demon has made a dragon friend who they named Xilr, after their late brother, and a friend named Beep! 

Aav - The only other member of Riil’s family that survived, Aav is a sorrowful demon who only misses her siblings and her parents. She stays with Riil and Roisin, rarely speaking- but she’s a fast and silent demon with a gun, so don’t mess with her or her new family! 

DnD!Osiris - A young life god, the daughter of Universe and Eos! They are curious, love hair, and hates the fact their mom tries to cover their inhuman features with a cloak- but really, that’s only for their safety. Their token baby phrase is “BWBWBWBWBWBWB” and that is all you need to know 

DnD!Universe (Hevasrra) - The goddess of the universe, yet here she’s very disguised- hiding her normal godlike features under a more humanlike appearance. She also goes by her ‘true’ name rather than the one she prefers. Her wife is Eos, her child is Osiris! She’s a,, lot more on edge in this chat

Space Chat

Crimson - A nervous human(?) who came to the ship to escape her step-father, Crimson is sort of... Like a persona? But honestly, not really ^^; Her (best? Maybe?) friend is Tone (it is an important rule to know that if she dies, so does he,) and her enemy is Impo!Riil, who keeps trying to attack her! yay.. 

Impo!Riil - That’s right- an Imposter version of Riil! This is a version of them who found out about the fact Trilis was not their real mother, and they flew into a rage and killed them. Due to this, they turned to delusions, calling and talking to their spear as if it were “Mom”. It’s quite easy to tick them off, and once you do, they’ll become blinded by rage and try to attack you,, According to Blue. They need therapy badly

[achaosfilledworld]

Mod Kou’s Intro~

Hihi all!! My name is Kou (also been called Crimson/Crispy), and I’m one of the mods of this lovely little chaotic blog! 

A little bit about me, I am a tiny, anxious fire bunny who loves music, drawing, and worldbuilding! (eh,, I’m always really bad at listing likes and dislikes lkgfgfk) I am very very terrified of spiders and I cannot, for the life of me, confront people. My main blog is @crimsonsolace and my art blog is @bunny-arts !!  I’ll most likely be answering asks with drawings and stuff ^^

Anyways, enough about me... Time to meet my characters! I’m gonna put them under a read more (which I just figured out how to do, yay!) so you don’t get floodedkdfslk 

Uh. be prepared for a lot of text. I’m so sorry. I got carried away. 

Earth Chat

Crimzon - A guardian Demon, born with only the reason to protect others in war. She came to Earth with no clear purpose, worried her illness would take her over and kill her before she found someone to serve. But, thankfully! She found a child, Willow, out on the streets with no caretakers! Despite being awful with children, she took matters into her own hands and now protects Willow as she searches for proper parents for the child! 

Trilis - Riil’s ‘mother’, having fled to Earth after their family was killed by a group of vampires. Though not actually their mother, Trilis is Riil’s Mom’s cousin, and they took it as their responsibility to care for the child, even though they have a deadly illness that will soon take their life. Unfortunately, Riil knows nothing of their dead family nor Trilis’s illness.. Oh! They also have an adopted child, Melody, and are good friends with Eos! They are,,, the Mama Demon that you NEVER mess with. terrifying.. uses a spear with a leaf etched on its blade.. other stuff,

Teen!Riil - The teenage version of Riil, a salty demon whose best friend is Beep! They refuse to go anywhere without either their mother (Trilis) or Beep with them unless they’re horribly upset, and can tend to get jealous when they see another child with their mother. They’re also very willing to throw down for their bestie, even if they wont admit he’s their best friendkfflkkfjgfd 

Universe - The goddess of the universe, a tall, joyful, kind woman! Married to Eos, her child is Osiris, she lives a happy life with her family and works at a lab! I dunno if there’s much to say on her, honestly,, 

Teen!Osiris - A teenage version of Osiris! Child of Universe and Eos, she’s like.. 16 here? They are very playful, still curious as ever, but is terrified of learning how to fly and sort of procrastinates on learning her magic and stuff. They’re a very childish life god ^^;

Faura + Ufio - FAURA! The, uh. Meme master and fourth-wall breaker of my bunch- She’s a witch who came to Earth to break free of her chains back home, and now runs Faura’s Bakery! She has a special interest in tech, after finding her best bud Ufio- which is a small UFO that she’s been fixing up ever since she found him in a junkyard! She’s also really, really clumsy,

Helroe + Gaser - The parents of Ainara, who brought her to Earth to punish her for attempting to run away. Both are magic users who force the same profession on Ain, despite the fact she’s always had difficulties with magic. They are cold, harsh, and often would refuse her food if she couldn’t study properly. They are bastards(tm) 

Earth!Ainara - This Ain is a mouse, and extra tiny! She’s also a magic user instead of an axe user, and is much more easily startled than the normal Ain. Thankfully, she was rescued and taken in by Axis, and now she lives with him sorta! Oh also she can turn into a littol mouse,

DnD Chat

Elyscia - An Elf bard who plays harp, violin, and piano! She’s elegant, glittery, and very charismatic! Has an adopted child, Connor, and a girlfriend, Nathala :> She’s... probably one of my most sane characters ngl. Oh also she’s 7′5-

Shizue - A Mermaid sorceress, doomed to be lost in the woods forever... The silly Mermaid has a very low attention span, and gets distracted by anything and everything very quickly! She’s seen with her big pet guinea pig, Chonk! 

Ainara - A Gnome barbarian wielding a giant axe, two handaxes, and a boomerang axe! Ran from her abusive parents and met her master Faerghis, who took her in and taught her how to use her weapons! However, they died, and she ended up in the forest of the DnD chat where she met her current best friend, Axis, and her adopted child, Willow! She is Feral Gnome.

DnD!Riil - Less than a year old, this Riil lost most of their family in an attack, found and saved by Roisin, their new mother. The small demon has made a dragon friend who they named Xilr, after their late brother, and a friend named Beep! 

Aav - The only other member of Riil’s family that survived, Aav is a sorrowful demon who only misses her siblings and her parents. She stays with Riil and Roisin, rarely speaking- but she’s a fast and silent demon with a gun, so don’t mess with her or her new family! 

DnD!Osiris - A young life god, the daughter of Universe and Eos! They are curious, love hair, and hates the fact their mom tries to cover their inhuman features with a cloak- but really, that’s only for their safety. Their token baby phrase is “BWBWBWBWBWBWB” and that is all you need to know 

DnD!Universe (Hevasrra) - The goddess of the universe, yet here she’s very disguised- hiding her normal godlike features under a more humanlike appearance. She also goes by her ‘true’ name rather than the one she prefers. Her wife is Eos, her child is Osiris! She’s a,, lot more on edge in this chat

Space Chat

Crimson - A nervous human(?) who came to the ship to escape her step-father, Crimson is sort of... Like a persona? But honestly, not really ^^; Her (best? Maybe?) friend is Tone (it is an important rule to know that if she dies, so does he,) and her enemy is Impo!Riil, who keeps trying to attack her! yay.. 

Impo!Riil - That’s right- an Imposter version of Riil! This is a version of them who found out about the fact Trilis was not their real mother, and they flew into a rage and killed them. Due to this, they turned to delusions, calling and talking to their spear as if it were “Mom”. It’s quite easy to tick them off, and once you do, they’ll become blinded by rage and try to attack you,, According to Blue. They need therapy badly

[playtwewy]

10-15 +22

Oh thank you Shay!! Im sorry I got to these so late tho </3

10. Something that made you cry this year?

Early, early 2020 I lost two of my guinea pigs due to upper respiratory infections and I still miss them a lot.

11. Something you want to do again next year?

I was able to finish games that I wanted to play for a long time and I’m hoping to finish even more in 2021!

12. Talk about a new friend you made this year

Well I haven't gotten out at all due to quarantine, but one of my coworkers and i have gotten closer since she’s just really nice, sends me memes, invited me to play DnD, and says I remind her of her best friend. It’s super nice and even if we no longer work together I’d still like to be friends :)

13. How was your birthday this year?

Pretty bad ngl. The week or so leading up to it I was in a depressed mood so much so i forgot how close it was and I had to work on the actual day of, and it didn’t help that day and the day before was really rough. And when I did celebrate my friend and i were both tired and my mom decided to say some racist stuff in front of us as well, making my friend uncomfortable (she apologized later but yknow :/).

Probably not the worst birthday but pretty close.

14. Favorite book you read this year?

I only read like 3 lmao, but it was Axiom’s End by Lindsay Ellis. I’m excited for the sequel too!

15. What’s a bad habit you picked up this year?

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad habit but since I started working in the Aquatics department at my job, i listen to music through a bluetooth earpiece pretty much my whole shift lmao

22. Favorite place you visited this year?

i never went anywhere i hadn’t been before, but going to my local library for 45 mins when it reopened to reread warrior cats was one of the highlights of the year

[tired-toby]

it's been nearly a year since my first suicide attempt, since the worst summer of my fucking life that i STILL CANT REMEMBER.

and i feel like i've gone nowhere

i'm still the same piece of shit who couldn't even acknowledge the people she hurt, who still tries to victimize herself when she's anything but the victim, who is wasting the time of everyone around her

i know all this. i know these flaws. i'm self-aware and that makes it worse because despite everything i do i feel like i haven't gotten any better, like i haven't improved at all and if anything i've just sunk deeper into this pit

and it's not like i haven't had people reach out!

my math teacher has kept up with me the WHOLE YEAR yet time and time again i let myself fall short.

i want to be better. i need to be better, for the people that are here now and for those that i've hurt in the past.

for my guinea pigs. for my rats. for my dogs. for everyone.

yet here i am just fucking wallowing, crying on an empty blog that no one will read or give a shit about because it's just me.

i graduate soon. well. i /might/ graduate soon

god

i've fallen so far.

my friends are going to harvard, to mit. i feel like i'm just going to a shallow grave.

i wish things were easy, that i could take a few pills and just be /better./ i want to stop feeling this way, i just want to feel better. i've changed my ways! i only drink water, i eat healthier, i walk my dogs for two hours every day, i've taken up new and old hobbies. but i still fall into slumps, i feel like i am a slump.

i've barely told anyone but i haven't felt like myself in weeks and i'm so fucking scared. i feel like i don't know who i am anymore and the coping mechanisms that i've used to try and feel like myself aren't working like they used to. i feel like im fragmented and being pulled apart at the seams. maybe i'm giving myself too much credit

a overfilled trash bag thats splitting and spilling nothing but garbage

that's better.

i'm just overdramatic

i'm just tired

i even have a healthy sleep schedule, did i mention that? in bed by 10, up by 7. i walk my sister to the bus stop almost everyday.

i thought i did everything right. why doesn't it work why aren't i better why am i still the same asshole why am i no one why am i nothing why can't i just be better why am i not fucking dead

55 days until i'm 18

54 until the night i became the world's greatest failure

what kind of idiot fails to kill themself? twice, at that?

i feel like i'm faking this. i read these words i type and i cry and if eel like im faking it. that i'm doing it for attention. i'm manipulative, i lie to emotionally abuse people

i know this and i'm probably doing it now

seems like something i'd do

my mom says my laptop will be back soon, finally repaired. i don't think i mentioned it here but the harddrive broke and i lost everything

stories. hundreds of thousands of words and i WISH that was an exaggeration

my fucking POKEMON. ALL MY GODDAMN POKEMON!!! I BEAT SOUL SILVER WITH JUST AN AMPHAROS AND ITS FUCKING GONE. MARILYN IM SORRY. NOT TO MENTION ALL MY OTHER SAVES

all my art. all those sketches. i've barely drawn since, nothing feels right anymore. not like i know where my art tablet is anyway :/ that's just

gone

everything's gone

once i have a laptop again, i think i'll be happier. i hope i'm happier. my life is there, my happiness is there. it's not healthy to stare at a screen for who knows how many hours of a day but it makes me happy

i want to have fun with graey again. the weeks we'd spend just playing minecraft and stardew and we haven't been able to do anything because i'm just on my phone and a shitty school laptop that can't even run google and word at the same time

i don't know what i'm going to do. this whole thing is a mess, just so much bullshit. and it's barely the tip of the iceberg

i didn't even mention how my dad found another rope in my brother's room. part of me hopes it's not what i think it is and some part of how i once opened his girlfriend's snapchat and found him listed as daddy

fucking discord moderator lookin' ass. it's the trauma innit

i'm doing dnd again. it's not full campaigns, just one-shots with the sewer rats every other weekend or so where i dm and they can have fun.

i like making them happy

i love all of them. they're my family. caesar, crypt, xeno, cat, moe, roo, blink, cig, fox, graey, even fed and ag. if it weren't for you guys, i'd be nothing. i'd be gone.

caesar, you've been with me through everything. i wouldn't be here if you weren't there for me. i'm glad we're getting close again, i've missed your company

i'm glad i'm the one you tag when you see if anyone wants to watch u stream :)

crypt, for all the shit i give you i love you. when are we going to finish mamma mia together u rat ass bitch

xeno u are one of the funniest motherfuckers i've met, even if u are a literal fetus. whenever i see u join vc im always so fucking hyped

cat why r u so fucking racist. when r we gonna play phasmo

moe stop touching kids.

roo i am not gonna lie sometimes u feel like my mom i s2g granted u are geriatric so maybe that makes u my grandma. point still stands, also when r we gonna plot wren and dhova i want my twink-turned-twunk

blink i still need to dm u back give me a sec.

cig u are also a fetus but u are one of my FAVORITE people to brainstorm and plot with. UR BRAIN IS SO WRINKLY AND UR ALWAYS SO RESPONSIVE IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!!

fox. ANOTHER FETUS. but also an amazing dm and just?? ur so creative. U ARE SO CREATIVE. UR CHARACTER DESIGN. UR ART SKILLS. ur so underappreciated?

graey when r we having the dildo battle. i will come to alaska and live in a shack in the woods with ur nasty unshowering ass if it means i get to punch u in the face irl and laugh abt the usual bullshit with you.

fed stop being british it's literally so gross idk how u do it. if u stop being british i'll stop bullying u abt ur terrible typing skills

ag u are just. cool. like if i had to pin someone as like the 'cool/chill' person of the sewers it would 100% be u i am ngl. play roblox cats with me u fucking coward

enough of being sappy. they need to stop accusing me of being a lesbian I AM NOT A LESBIAN

ok

im happy again

thinking about them makes me happy

in other news celestial bodies by ghost data is a nice song

[bradmarvin]

Hi, Valério Ginoble.

This is me, ya boy Marvin Bradley. I write this amidst my rest time, in case I fall asleep later when you wake up, so you can still read it while you waiting for me to wake up, as well. What’s happen here? Yes, we have reached our first month to be together. I’m truly sorry because I didn’t give you a proper gift, I’ll surely do better next, once I fully recover.

You know, our journey wasn’t as easy as most people here, 13 hours timezone also become one of our obstacle, yet we still manage to make it works. Thanks for that. For not giving up on me, for being patient whenever I upset because missing you too much. There’s always a day in the middle of our conversation, but I still missing you. You feel it too, right? But also, there’s a day that I looked nonchalant, not because I don’t missed you back, but I just hit by overthinks.

Let’s make our journey to be as far as we both can, shall we? Let’s not giving up on us easily, life itself isn’t easy, so we gotta make our relationship not to be too complicated and make it as simple as we can. I’m happy to be with you, you are enough for me. So, I hope you can feel enough of yourself as well. Don’t be sad for too long, because ngl whenever you are sad, it will makes me sad too. I just want you to be happy, please be happy with me, mi amor Valério. Anyway I want to give you list of what I likes about you.

I love it when…

1. When Valmoo talk about his little zoo at home, you have introduced me 7 of your dogs, 2 cats, bunnies (you haven’t tell me their names yet), guinea pigs, your fishes and some of your pets. You gotta tell me the rest, you owe me that.

2. When Vallie talked about his fave, esp. Charlie XCX and his hyperpop genre. I just wanna say that no need to be shy to have your own fav which is not mainstream. So, chin up and be proud of your own faves! Keep hyping them in front of me, I like it when your eyes sparks in excitement.

3. When Valliécito being a very understanding boyfriend and always tried his best to make me happy and feel enough, meanwhile he also more than enough for me. Also for the shoulder and ears, whenever I need support or rant about how shitty life treating us.

4. When Panini head being sassy and naughty. That’s my boyfriend, the tough one but also I enjoy your soft and clingy sides too. Basically everything about you. Is dis cheesy enough? Or need extra cheese? Hahaha.

5. When he said that he loves me too, on July 4th last month. Gotcha, I moved first 🤪. In conclusion, I love everything about Vallie except when he is sad.

Last but surely not least, happy one month baby. I still have lot of things to say but let me just save it for later. Once again, I love you dear Valério Ginoble the dumbie, panini head and pumpkin. 🖤

[vampir3d]

Thanks for tagging me @suchaverageverywow  !! <3

THE LAST…

1. Drink: Flat Dr. Pepper

2. Phone call: My boyfriend before cos I was checking he wasn’t dead (he wasn’t just ill)

3. Text message: My boyfriend again, this time talking about cheesy garlic bread

4. Song you listened to: Sweat - The All-American Rejects

5. Time you cried: Sunday night because I thought about my Guinea Pig that died a couple of months ago. I’m sad af. But also, I’m adopting this cute fluffy black one hopefully soon!! So I will stop crying.

HAVE YOU EVER…

6. Dated someone twice: This is the second time I’ve ‘dated’ my bf but the first time was very short and we broke it off because of my anxiety issues. We decided to stay friends and get to know each other, before, eventually after a year, we decided we should get back together (because I love him still).

7. Been cheated on: No, thankfully

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: No, actually.

9. Lost someone special: Not unless you count the Guinea Pig from before^^

10. Been depressed: Well everyone feels depressed from time to time but I would not say I am depressed.

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: I threw up last week but that may not have been the alcohol, I feel, but I dunno it also could have been... I think I ate too much tbh.

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

12. Red

13. Pink (though it’s just a lighter shade of red innit)

14. Black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

15. Made new friends: Yes, especially my friendo Jasmin I would say, who I’ve made really good friends with this year :))

16. Fallen out of love: No

17. Laughed until you cried: I laugh at everything, yes definitely. My friend fell off her chair today trying to kick the boy in front of her and I nearly cried.

18. Found out someone was talking about you: No...

19. Met someone who changed you: Literally every person tbh

20. Found out who your true friends are: Yes... I already knew but I think it became more prominent and I realised I didn’t have to bother with them as much.

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Well yeah, I have my bf on Facebook so...

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Pretty much all, I don’t add internet friends on Facebook. I dunno why, I don’t really use it that much tbh.

23. Do you have any pets: Miso is my fish (his counterpart was called Sushi because I’m hilarious) and I may be adopting a Guinea Pig this weekend which is called Bella!

24. Do you want to change your name: Nah

25. What did you do for your last birthday: Nothing. My best friend tried to throw me a mini surprise party but no one wanted to come :(

26. What time did you wake up: 6:30 kill me, I felt like death.

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping

28. Name something you cannot wait for: Summer, I go on holiday for a few weeks and then get to spend the rest of the time asleep or with my boyfriend. Or preferably, both.

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: Twenty minutes ago when I had tea (I’m hiding in my room now)

30. What is the one thing you wish you could change about your life: I suppose the only thing I’d want to do now is be rid of my anxiety... ngl apart from that, stuff is okay. Or you know, become rich.

31. What are you listening to right now: Where The Lines Overlap - Paramore

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: There is a Tom in a few of my classes, he’s okay but v annoying and keeps wondering why he doesn’t get laid (spoiler: it’s because he is annoying)

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: How fucking tired I am and how my bf isn’t here to give me cuddles until I fall asleep ahhh :(

34. Most visited website: At the moment, Youtube, Tumblr and Crunchyroll, is all I use tbh lmao.

35. Elementary: Kinda miss that, I left like 4 years ago now wtf (I presume this is the American version of Primary school?)

36. High School: I’m about to go into the last year and I’m pumped for that. I’ve actually had a good year too.

37. College/university: I wanna go to University hopefully...

38. Hair colour: Blonde naturally and also now dyed 

39. Long or short hair: Medium but I’m gonna get it cut fairly short (on or above my shoulders) soon

40. Do you have a crush on someone: Harry Styles, Michael Clifford, Gerard Way, Cole Sprouse, Dan Howell and Phil Lester, Awsten Knight... and I guess my boyfriend is okay looking too.

41. What do you like about yourself: I just want everyone to be happy and to make people happy :(

42. Piercings: Standard ear lobe

43. Blood type: No idea, I wanna know too 

44. Nickname: Jess(?) or Sugarmuffin if you’re my bf eww

45. Relationship status: In a relationship for the first time. Ever.

46. Zodiac sign: Virgo

47. Pronouns: She/her

48. Favourite TV show: OKAY I’M REALLY STOKED FOR THE SECOND SEASON OF STRANGER THINGS SO I’M GONNA SAY THAT RN.

49. Tattoos: None

50. Right or left hand: Right

FIRST…

51. Surgery: I haven't had any (thankfully?)

52. Piercing: Standard ear lobe was done in the summer of 2013 I think

54. Sport: Swimming probably

55. Vacation: I think we went Menorca when I was very young??? Idk if it was the first but one of the very very first

56. Pair of trainers: Baby trainers I guess, fuck knows

57. Eating: ?? idk

58. Drinking: These questions are confusing is it asking me for the first thing I ever drank? mate, probably my Mother’s milk help

59. I’m about to: Fall asleep probably

60. Listening to: How Do You Feel? - The Maine

61. Waiting for: Death

62. Want: DEATH

63. Get married: Yeah I totally wanna get married

64. Career: I don’t have one and honestly fuck knows what I’m gonna do

YOUR TYPE…

65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs and kisses... OKAY HUGS

66. Lips or eyes: Eyes

67. Shorter or taller: Someone taLLER PLS. I need to be protected.

68. Older or younger: My bf is younger than me but idc. I’d probably choose older if given the option but it doesn’t really matter.

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Stomach?

71. Sensitive or loud: My bf is both lmao. I prefer it when he is being sensitive though sometimes xx

72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship omg

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Both depending on the situation. It’s probably better if they’re more of a troublemaker because I’m not!

HAVE YOU EVER…

74. Kissed a stranger: No!

75. Drank hard liquor: Not hard liquor

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Nope

77. Turned someone down: I had to politely turn down this girl who asked me out because I’m straight :(

78. Sex on first date: Fuck off

79. Broken someone’s heart: No 

80. Had your heart broken: No

81. Been arrested: No

82. Cried when someone died: My Guinea Pig?? does that count??

83. Fallen for a friend: MY BF IS MY BFF NGL YES

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

84. Yourself: Her? Fuck no

85. Miracles: Not really... maybe a little

86. Love at first sight: Yes, though it doesn’t always need to happen that way for it to be love

87. Santa Claus: He is real? I’ve met him multiple times

88. Kiss on the first date: Maybe if you know the person well enough beforehand

89. Angels: I’m living proof baby no

OTHER…

90. Current best friend’s name: Sarah

91. Eye colour: Blue 

92. Favourite movie: SO MANY. I’m gonna say Howl’s Moving Castle for now