#i still love how the stop motion animation was utilized for horror in the movie it was genius

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

meaningless rant ahead!

so since i’m airing out my frustrations with other media nowadays, i want to talk about coraline.

i like coraline. i love stop-motion, i love horror, and coraline is the perfect mix of both. i love how unsettling it is and the animation is just chef’s kiss.

the only teeny tiny problem i have with it is that.. i do not like coraline the character. especially after reading the book, i dislike movie coraline even more. idk why they made movie coraline so bratty when she was so nice in the books.

and like, whatever. she’s a kid, kids are bratty sometimes. i don’t expect her to be perfect. but what irritates me is the way she treats wybie. her hostility towards him at first is understandable, since she thought he was stalking her. but later, after this was proven to be a misunderstanding, coraline is still so unnecessarily mean to wybie. the “why were you born” joke especially was so uncalled for. like there’s a difference between finding someone annoying and literally bullying them.

and she never apologizes to him, they just.. kinda become friends in the end? idk why the writers thought this was a “funny” joke to add in? especially since wybie is heavily neurodivergent-coded and even if he wasn’t, it’s still a really mean thing to say to someone. (btw wybie doesn’t exist in the books, he was created for the purpose of the movie.)

and with all of this, it’s really hard for me to watch coraline. the rest of the movie is so good, but how do you enjoy a movie when you hate the main character? i really want to rewatch it but i can’t sit through coraline’s annoying ass for the entirety of the movie.

[ashcraftscrap]

Digging a Little Deeper

In my last post I made a list of all the topics that I enjoy enough to feel they have a shot at becoming my brand, so to speak. I talked a little bit about Writing and why I think it’s going to end up being my primary focus...

Writing has been a long term passion of mine, probably the longest lasting with the exception of animals and nature. I also think it would be the best outlet for all the various things that I enjoy, because then I can work on individual books that cover the topics I love even if I don’t love them enough to make a career of them. Writing gives me the freedom to jump around a bit, to dabble in a little bit of everything without losing focus.

...but I neglected to talk about anything else in the same kind of depth. Why do these other topics have a shot at being my brand? What about them do I like, and more specifically if they did become my brand, what kind of content would I be making? These are rather general topics, so let’s go over them one by one the same way I did with writing:

Art (in various forms)

I’ve done all sorts of art from drawing and painting, sculpting, and photography all the way to glass blowing, jewelry making, and woodworking. I have basic sewing knowledge, I’ve played with resin a little, and I’m up for a DIY project pretty much anytime be it to improve my wardrobe or the space I live. I’ve discovered through my many years of trying different types of art here or there that as fun as two-dimensional art (drawing, painting, photography) is and can be, I prefer working with three-dimensional creations. Something I’ve wanted for years (about a decade now) to do is create dolls of my characters to use in photography that can act as the illustrations in books I write. If I were to make art my brand, it would be an adventure of trying new things and sharing my various creations, probably with a focus on these dolls and making art for my books, the secondary focus being on DIY projects for my wardrobe and home.

Animals

I love pretty much all animals (’cept wasps lolz) and I really love learning about them and sharing what I know. I think it would be a meaningful thing to get educated and share that knowledge, and I would be very humbled to get the opportunity to do something important and help animals however I can. One thing I’ve always wanted to do, but simply have not had the time nor means to do so, is volunteer at a wolf-dog shelter about an hour or so away from where I live.  Another direction that I feel I could easily go is getting into betta fish and/or ball python breeding. I’ve often had bettas present in my life, and I’ve almost always wanted a snake, particularly a ball python, so both creatures are something I’ve on-off considered breeding as a hobby, if I ever had the opportunity. I don’t know if I’d make a career out of it, I’ve never looked into it as anything more than a hobbyist, but I would definitely not be mad if it went that way.

Reviews (Books, Shows, and/or Movies)

My favorite genre, my bread and butter, is high fantasy, but second to that I probably read philosophy and supernatural fiction the most. When it comes to movies, I’m a big Disney fan, but my favorite types of movies are stop motion, hand-drawn animation such as Studio Ghibli or older animated movies, and I’m not sure what I’d call them, but films that implement puppetry and less CGI and such, films like The Neverending Story, the Dark Crystal, etc. Shows I enjoy range from drama and romance to comedy and horror, and I’m not ashamed to admit there are some really great cartoons and anime out there. I’m a theater geek and was a techie in high school, so I get nerdy over set design and ambiance and soundtracks, and would undoubtedly talk about that background stuff too. I don’t think I’d make a very good reviewer, but I think it sounds like a lot of fun, and I’d like to do it for the sake of the fun alone whether it becomes what I’m known for or not.

Video Games

I strongly doubt that this would become my brand/focus, but I really love video games and think no matter what direction I end up going in, I’ll likely still make Let’s Play videos and maybe even video game reviews just because it’s something enjoyable and fun to do. I strongly prefer playing games with my fiance and friends like Don’t Starve Together and Minecraft, but I also like playing games on my own too. I particularly like medieval-style RPGs, slice of life games like The Sims or those silly dating simulator games, and Nintendo, most particularly the Legend of Zelda series and Pokemon.

Gothic Subculture & Fashion

If I had the luxury of having enough money to truly express myself with complete and utter vanity, I would do a huge wardrobe rehaul and deck myself out as badass as It’s Black Friday. Everything would be black on black on black, and I’d live in my dark little black on black on black world with minimal if any color. However, my wardrobe currently is nothing spectacular and my fiance could not stand to live in all black the way I could, so I don’t think I’m in a position to dive into this world all in the way I’d like to. I strongly doubt it’ll become my brand, but rather it’ll be the primary aesthetic I strive for and will likely slowly develop over time.

Philosophy (Neo-Paganism) | Gender Studies (minus feminism)

Both of these topics are things that I have learned a great deal about and have personal, life-changing experiences within. They are also highly personal, controversial things to talk about, and don’t always jive well with people. There’s a particular crowd that these things get discussed with, and while I am a part of that crowd and am not afraid to talk about these things, I’m probably just going to leave my opinions about these things in places where they are more appropriate to discuss them, like Quora. Because I’m so passionate about them, I will likely talk about them in time, but I just don’t know if I’m comfortable attempting to make a career out of either thing. If I do, I think I’d be a lot more inclined to talk about philosophy and spirituality than I would about Gender. Even though I don’t know if I want it to be my main point of focus, I do think it’s important to share my opinions and perspective on these very personal things, perhaps by writing books about them at some point. I guess we’ll just see how much people hate me sharing more about this side of me haha

Music

As much as I love music, I know it won’t be my brand. The most I do regarding music is post good music to my instagram. I don’t play any instruments, and I’m not tone-deaf or anything, but regardless of that, at my very best my voice is simply average, so it’s not like I ever imagined I’d be making music. I might write some songs if I think I can even do that, but one this is for sure - I will talk about good music here and there, especially since my favorite genre (gothic metal) is fairly niche and deserves a little bit of a shout out.

The Furry Fandom

In my previous post I said that my prediction for the topics that are most likely going to be my brand are Writing, Animals, and Art. Well the furry fandom is pretty much made up of animal-loving artists of all kinds and sorts, writers included. So needless to say, I could very easily end up becoming a furry influencer, since it encompasses a good portion of the things I love doing, and is the fandom I’m most involved with as well. I wouldn’t be mad in the slightest if this ended up happening, and I have a hard time believing that my followers won’t end up being made of majority furs anyway. If I had continued my list beyond the top 3 predictions, the furry fandom would have been the fourth listed for this reason.

Hunting | Gardening | Food & Cooking

I’ve learned a lot about the food industry, and I’d like to learn a lot more and be more proactive in changing my lifestyle for the better in order to get away from all the processed, typical American diet shit out there that’s tainting our food. So basically for years now I’ve had this vision and goal for my lifestyle. I want to be a hunter, then I want to go vegetarian (may even vegan idk) with the only source of meat I consume being my own personally hunted game, or I guess maybe locally sourced meat from ethical farmers and such. I’d also like to learn a lot of skills that a good for a hunter to know, like leather-working, taxidermy, and skeletal articulation so that I can utilize all of the resources, not just the meat. I’d ideally like to have my own goats for milk, otherwise only drinking nut milk (preferably homemade), and my own chickens for eggs. I’d like to have a small farm where I grow as many of my own fresh ingredients as I reasonably can, and with all those good and healthy resources, I’d like to become a better at home chef. I’ve just never had the land or money to do all this with, so I’ve kinda put that goal on the back-burner while I focus on my career and finances first. Undoubtedly, however, I will learn more and talk more about this stuff as I get closer to accomplishing these goals, cook more, and hopefully get the money and means to learn more about it and actually become a hunter.

[ljones41]

"AQUAMAN" (2018) Review

I realize that over four months had passed since this movie’s release, but . . . better late than never:

"AQUAMAN" (2018) Review Following the failure of "JUSTICE LEAGUE" to storm the box office during the fall of 2017, Warner Brothers Pictures and the DC Extended Universe (DCEU) turned to the franchise's sixth installment to carry it and the studio to both financial and especially critical glory. That movie proved to be 2018's "AQUAMAN". The character of the DC Comics superhero, Aquaman aka Arthur Curry has made extensive appearances in both television and movie animations. His biggest role proved to be one of the main characters of the 1973-1986 Saturday morning animated series, "SUPER FRIENDS". The character also made occasional appearances in the live-action WB (later, the CW) series, "SMALLVILLE". The WB had plans for a series about Aquaman, starring Justin Hartley (who later became known as Oliver Queen aka the Green Arrow on "SMALLVILLE"), but nothing came from it. In the end, it took Zack Snyder to bring Aquaman to the fore as a live-action figure, when he cast actor Jason Momoa in the role for the DCEU franchise. "AQUAMAN" would prove to be Momoa's third appearance in the franchise, after a brief cameo in 2016's "BATMAN V. SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE" and a more prominent role in "JUSTICE LEAGUE", the following year. However, "AQUAMAN" is the first film to feature Momoa as the lead in a DCEU film, but also the first movie that is actually about the "King of the Seven Seas". Directed by James Wan, "AQUAMAN" is a two-fold story that explores the drama behind Arthur Curry's family conflicts. The movie also told how Arthur aka Aquaman went on a quest to prevent his half-brother King Orm Marius from uniting the seven undersea kingdoms in order to inflict war upon the surface world. The story begins in 1985, when a Maine lighthouse keeper named Tom Curry rescues a woman who has washed ashore during a storm. The mysterious woman turns out to be Atlanna, Queen of Atlantis, who had left her ocean world to escape an arranged marriage to another member of Atlantean royalty, Orvax. Both Tom and Atlanna fall in love, marry and conceive a child, whom they name Arthur. Unfortunately, Atlantean soldiers manage to find Atlanna. She decides to leave Tom and Arthur behind and return to Atlantis in order to protect them from Orvax's wrath. Over thirty years later, Arthur has become known as the metahuman vigilante, Aquaman. Months after the Justice League's defeat of Steppenwolf, Aquaman prevents a group of pirates led by the father-son team, Jesse and David Kane, from hijacking a Russian Naval Akula-class submarine. Jesse dies during the confrontation with Aquaman, while David, vows revenge against the hero. Meanwhile, Arthur's half-brother, King Orm of Atlantis attempts to convince King Nereus of Xebel to help him unite Atlantis and the other ocean kingdoms for an attack against the surface world for for harming the Earth's oceans. Orm also hopes to solidify his position as Atlantis' king. Nereus's daughter and Orm's fiancee, Princess Mera, heads to the surface to recruit Arthur in stopping Orm's plans against the surface world and to present himself as the true king of Atlantis. Over a year had passed between the release of "JUSTICE LEAGUE" and "AQUAMAN". I noticed that many film critics and moviegoers seemed willing to heap lavish praise on the 2018 film, following the other movie's poor performance and lack of critical acclaim. I will be honest . . . I did not dislike "JUSTICE LEAGUE". I had mixed feelings about it. I still do. But I must admit that "AQUAMAN" is a better film. To a certain extent. "AQUAMAN" is a curious mixture of a family drama, a political film, an Indiana Jones-style adventure and the usual "save-the-planet" scenario. For me, the best aspect of "AQUAMAN" is the family drama that centered around Queen Atlanna. David Leslie Johnson-McGoldrick and Will Beall did an excellent job in conveying the consequences of Atlanna's initial refusal to be dragged into an arranged marriage. Her actions resulted in eventual exile and possible death for her, two sons in conflict with each other, a political vacuum and one of her sons becoming a future costumed hero. The political vacuum left by Atlanna also led to an exciting and action-filled search for a missing magical artifact - the Trident of Atlan, which used to belong to Atlantis' first ruler and had been missing his disappearance. This search would lead Arthur and Mera on a picturesque journey from the Mediterranean region to the depths of the ocean's most elusive worlds, the Kingdom of the Trench. I also liked the fact that Johnson-McGoldrick and Beall's screenplay did not rush in conveying Orm's story arc. They did not rush his efforts to solidify his position on the Atlantean throne or his efforts to convince or coerce the rulers of the other ocean kingdoms to acknowledge and join him in the attack against the surface. And what seemed to be the cherry on the top of this particular story arc is that the two screenwriters managed to utilize Aquaman's other major nemesis - David Kane aka Black Mantis - into Orm's story arc. In doing so, the two screenwriters and director James Wan managed to establish David Kane's own origin story and major conflict against Aquaman for future movies. But what I really liked about "AQUAMAN" is that instead of the outsider or the interloper of a royal court being the main villain, he is the main protagonist. In other words, the main protagonist is the one who shakes up a society and not the villain. I found this refreshing after movies like "THOR" and "BLACK PANTHER". Another aspect of "AQUAMAN" that I enjoyed was the film's visual styles. Bill Brzeski did an excellent job as the film's production designer. I thought he did a competent job in not only re-creating Atlantis and other ocean worlds . . . to an extent. I also enjoyed his designs for those scenes that especially featured Arthur and Mera's adventures in both the Sahara Desert and especially Sicily. Don Burgess' cinematography did a great job in enhancing Brzeski's work. This especially seemed to be the case for his photography of the shooting locations in Australia, Morocco and Italy. I am going to be frank. I am not a big fan of the traditional Aquaman suit . . . at least for Jason Momoa. From a visual perspective, I believe the suit he wore in "JUSTICE LEAGUE" worked better for him. But I must admit that I did enjoy Kym Barrett's designs for the costume worn by Momoa in the Sicily sequence. And I especially enjoyed Ms. Barrett's costumes for the other Atlantean and Xebel characters. Especially those costumes worn by Amber Heard. However, the one aspect of "AQUAMAN" that truly impressed me were the visual effects for the Atlantis scene created by the Industrial Light & Magic (ILM) team led by Jeff White. I mean . . . oh my God! Those visual effects truly blew me away with the sharp colors, beauty and originality, as seen in the images below:

How on earth did the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences fail to nominate White and the ILM team for their work in this film? It is simply criminal that the organization had failed to do this. The performances featured in "AQUAMAN" struck me as either first-rate or solid. I would certainly describe Jason Momoa's portrayal of Arthur Curry aka Aquaman as first-rate. One, the guy has charisma and presence oozing out of his pores. And two, Momoa did a great job in utilizing both his comedic and dramatic skills, when required by the screenplay. However, a part of me wishes there had been more of a balance between comedy and dramatic scenes for the actor. Another first-rate performance came from Amber Heard, who portrayed Princess Mera of Xebel. If I must be honest, I had been impressed by the way she had taken control of her performance in "JUSTICE LEAGUE". Her portrayal of Mera as a strong-willed and commanding personality seemed even stronger in this film. "AQUAMAN" features the second time I have seen Patrick Wilson portray a villain. In this film, he gave a strong and intimidating portrayal of Aquaman's half-brother, King Orm Marius aka Ocean Master. Wilson's character was not as . . . amusing as his character in 2010's "THE A-TEAM", but I must admit that he did a great job in conveying Orm's arrogance and bigotry. Yahya Abdul-Mateen II portrayed the film's other villain, sea pirate-tech specialist David Kane, who will become one of Aquaman's biggest nemesis, Black Mantis. Since he was not the main villain, his presence was not as extensive. But I cannot deny that Abdul-Mateen gave a very intense and memorable performance. I really look forward to seeing him in future DCEU films. "AQUAMAN" also featured strong, yet solid performances from the supporting cast. Those performances include Nicole Kidman, who portrayed Arthur's mother Queen Atlanna; Temeura Morrison as Arthur's father, Tom Curry; Willem Dafoe, who portrayed Arthur's mentor Vulko; Dolph Lundgren as King Nereus of Xebel; Michael Beach as Jesse Kane, pirate leader and father of the future Black Mantis; and Graham MacTavish, who provided the voice for Atlan, the first king of Atlantis. I also wanted to point out Randall Park, who gave a rather funny and entertaining performance as Dr. Stephen Shin, a marine biologist obsessed with finding the lost city of Atlantis. I was surprised to discover that the movie also featured voice performances from the likes of Julie Andrews, Djimon Hounsou and John Rhys-Davies. As much as I enjoyed "AQUAMAN", I had some problems with the film. My biggest problem proved to be director James Wan. I realize that he has managed to establish a positive reputation from the horror flicks he had directed in the past. The problem is that there were times when I found his direction rather clunky. A good example would be the film's opening scene that featured the introduction of Aquaman's parents. It struck me as a bit rushed. Utilizing slow motion scenes can annoy me in any movie. But what I found particularly annoying in "AQUAMAN" was that Wan did not use slow motion in action scenes. Instead, he used it for shots featuring Momoa in various poses . . . as if he was some kind of fashion magazine model. Also, it seemed as if Wan was incapable of going from action to drama to comedy in a seamless way. Perhaps he will be able to flow his scenes a little better as he become more experienced, but I did not sense such a skill in "AQUAMAN". Also, I am a little . . . confused about Queen Atlanna's position in Atlantis society. Was she the ruling monarch when she first met Tom Curry? Was she ever the ruling monarch? Or did Atlantis society forbade women sovereigns and would only allow the royal spouses of a direct female heiress or sovereign to be considered for the throne? The movie never made it clear. According to the movie, one of Orm's major reasons for planning an attack upon the surface world was humanity's pollution of the ocean. Aside from one minor sequence featuring news reports of piles of garbage washing up on many beaches, I feel the movie did not explore the topic of pollution as much as it should have, considering IT WAS one of Orm's reasons to attack humanity. I realize that "AQUAMAN" is at the moment, the DCEU franchise's most successful film. It is the only one that has managed to earn over a billion dollars so far. But do I consider it the best in the franchise? Not really. Between James Wan's uneven direction, some plot points regarding the Queen Atlanna character and the film's use of the pollution topic; it did not quite impress me as I had hoped it would. On the other hand, I found some of Wan's direction rather impressive, especially the action sequences. The visual effects struck me as stunning, the movie featured excellent performances from a cast led by Jason Momoa and I thought screenwriters David Leslie Johnson-McGoldrick and Will Beall wrote a first-rate adventure. I am more than satisfied.

[singingpeople]

For the love of Jai, a very, very serious crack-fic (seriously, it´ serious)

A little treat for Halloween! Inspired by a post you can find here and here,  inspired, emotionally supported and edited by my one and only muse @beautifulramblingbrains , whose name is just coincidently sounds almost like our protagonist here. (A coincidence, nothing more. You hear me?) Have a spooky Halloween and fun with this 25 page-long monster. (Yeah, I´m that insane.)

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own, depraved brain that came up with this shit. And Janie. Janie´s mine. 

I´m tagging all of you guy´s who I think might be interested, if not, ignore it :D

@pathybo, @iammarylastar, @b-j-d, @vitaevandal, @murmelinchen, @spiteandalice, @equalstrashflavoredtrash, @captstefanbrandt, @tigpooh67

Now I´m off to do another Nanowrimo... yay.. :D 

Our protagonist, Janie, wished for a man. He should be strong enough to chop the firewood and brave enough to kill all the spiders, precise enough to hit his target even though it was over five meters away which would make him the king at playing darts in the local bar. He should also be fun, someone you can steal horses with, who wasn't afraid of the law but sensible nonetheless. After all, she wanted someone she could spend a nice evening on the sofa when the snow was falling outside, the crackling fire warming the room while they drank wine from sophisticated glasses.

Yes, Janie wished upon a star that she would be graced with such a man. But little did she know that instead of the one she desired, she’d get four, the epitomes of her wish. Didn’t they always say: be careful what you wish for….

It had been raining all day long in a faraway province in the middle of England, puddles forming on the walkway between the rural farmhouse and the barn that once upon a time housed livestock but had been converted into a mere wood storage. Like most houses in the area, it was made from withered brown brick stones that had withstood the element for decades without giving way, the walls covered by Ivy slowly winding itself into the crevices. Without a doubt, it made the small farm appear as something out of a fairytale but every few years the damage it caused had to be fixed, which wasn’t cheap, especially for a young woman living all on her own, if you didn’t count her three cats and the dog, her loyal companions.

The young woman in question, whose name was Janie, a poor variation of the name Jenny (god knows what her parents were up to when they decided to name her that), was sprinting through the rain towards the front door, having retrieved a stack of firewood from the wooden barn to get the chimney started. Being the start of autumn, temperatures had dropped significantly and she was freezing all alone in her bed. She had prepared herself to get wet and she made a mad dash towards the house, the wellies on her feet splashing water from the puddles up and onto her pants, staining them with mud.

Bursting through the door she cursed out a low ‘merde’  - because it sounded better, as a cold drop of water ran down her spine and let the full basket drop, not taking into account that her foot was right beneath it. A string of curses left her potty mouth like a sailor, and she hobbled around on one leg, the other one clutched in hands. Jumping around, her shoulder met the wall and Janie let herself sink down, her foot pulsing painfully. It wasn’t the first time she wished that she had a strong companion that would have no problems chopping wood, stacking it in the barn or carry it into the house where he´d start a cozy fire, while for her it was always a matter of luck if the damn thing would even start and a matter of time until the chimney was clogged again. Brushing the wet strand of hair from her face, she let out a loud sigh before getting up and going to work, shooing her mongrel dog gently away as she tried to smother her face with love.

It took her thirty minutes and four tries to get it going so when she was finally cozy on her couch, a nice cup of tea by her side and her favorite book in hand (like for any brit that thought they were the cat´s whiskers, it, of course, was Pride and Prejudice, just like her favorite movie, the one from 2005 with the handflex™, not the one with Collin Firth) it was not long before she fell asleep. Just seconds from drifting off, mind foggy, she sent a wish upon the heavens – that they´d grant her a partner, one of those fictional men she adored that much.

Unbeknownst to her, just as she finished that thought, that heartfelt desire, the hand of the clock clicked into place at ten past ten on the tenth October, putting a process in motion that would completely and undoubtedly turn her whole life upside down.

The faraway tolling of the church bells in the village announcing the arrival of midnight stayed unheard to Janie but the deafening thunder, followed by a burst of lightning that made night day for a few long seconds, leaving an after-image burned into one's cornea. Tumbling from her position, heart beating fast, Janie looked around wildly before holding a hand against her chest, trying to calm herself down.

But the dulled thumping, followed by the dog barking had the anxiety spiking in her veins. It sounded like something in the barn had fallen over and she feared that the lightning had struck it, maybe even igniting a fire.

There was no one around but her and no chance for her to avoid going out by herself to take a look.

Cell phone clutched in hand, the dog by her side, she shrugged on her jacket and the wellies, pushing open the door of her utility room.

It had stopped raining, puddles building on the walkway that Janie tried to avoid on her way to the barn that was veiled by large pines, separating different parts of the old homestead. The barn was a little to the side and she was almost there when she heard a crash from inside as if something had kicked a stack of wood loose, sending it tumbling to the ground. Janie froze while the dog started barking violently, fur standing up.

She listened closely, on alert for a few moments but when nothing was heard she continued, slowly inching closer to the wooden door. Ear pressed to the rough surface, Janie hesitated but ultimately decided to go in there. Most likely it was just another rat, or maybe a cat that was searching for a secure place to give birth in.

The light on her phone turned on, she pushed the door open and slowly made her way inside, the small circle of light swaying over piles of wood, over to the section where she had stored the outdoor furniture for the winter. From the corner of her eye she thought to see a shadow whizzing by but when she turned around nothing was there. Walking further into the barn, she shone the light into the cracks, searching for the unfortunate animal when suddenly the door slammed shut.

Straightening up, she swayed the light around widely, searching for the trigger – the reason why it fell shut. Maybe it was the wind? Yes, of course. What else?

Heart beating out of her chest, Janie felt a shiver running down her back and suddenly she knew – she just knew that someone was watching her.

With long steps, she made her way out the door, to where her dog was, where she could call the police, or maybe that one man that always bothered her for a date. He'd be more than happy to come here and take a look.

And if there was something hiding in the barn… Well, it wouldn't be her that would get murdered... Just saying.

She heard a twig snapping right behind her but before she could react, the phone was knocked from her hand and she was grabbed from behind, pulled into a sturdy chest. Her scream of terror was muted by the hand laying over her mouth and pinching her nose shut, making it impossible for her to breathe. Struggling in earnest, she kicked behind her, hoping to get free from her attacker, but it was to no avail.

He was too strong. Too fast and cunning for her to get out of his choke-hold. But she couldn´t give up, not like that. Not now.

She couldn't die as a twenty-six-year-old who´s biggest accomplishment in life had been the graduation of college. Janie wanted to fall in love, to marry and have a child. Or three.

Then, when her life would turn mediocre in her mid-thirties, after her third mid-life crisis (since she had no idea which part of her life was the middle, she decided to have an ongoing crisis) she would get a divorce, bid that no-good-cheating-son-of-a-bitch goodbye and live off child support somewhere in the Caribbean Sea. So much the theory.

But all that and more was impossible if she died by the hands of a guy that thought shushing someone while simultaneously choking them was a good idea.

What an asshole.

Through the haze of her oxygen-deprived brain, Janie registered another movement right before the man was ripped off of her and she fell to her knees, heaving violently for air. In the same moment, someone turned on the light, like Janie should have done even before setting foot into the barn.

How silly.

Attempted murders are a lot harder in bright light. All those horror movies and she was cast as the first kill after swearing oath she never would be.

She was still crawling away from whoever it was, hoping to get to the door but she stopped short when a sturdy pair of black boots came into her line of vision. Raising her gaze slowly, she took in the military boots, over the padded black pants and the vest, to the crossed, heavily tattooed arms. From there, she studied up to the neck that was adorned by thick black bars until she finally reached his face. Her savior was definitely handsome, in a dark dangerous way. The eye-brow piercing screamed rebel, the studs in his ears though - wannabe drug dealer – or maybe one of those gangsta rappers you would find all over town nowadays.

Still, Janie couldn't help but drool a little. It was a sweet sight to die to.

He was just how she liked her guys to be; a little buff, a little hairy, but still neat, his hair styled in a way that just told her he used up at least one tube of hair gel every month. He was devilishly handsome – and the sly smile tugging up the corner of his lips told her he knew it to. Or knew that she knew. Did he know she knew that he knew?

Who knows.

Before she could admire him longer, she was flipped onto her back and came to face her assailant for the first time – and almost fainted. He looked just the same as the other guy, minus the military clothing and the tatts and piercings, but there was no doubt those two must be twins.

Shaved hair, a murderous glint in his eyes that promised pain to anyone and everyone that dared cross him - or just basically anything that crossed his path, Janie didn’t know who she should be more afraid of. But when his hand came closer, the intention clear, she knew. It was this one. He was absolutely, murderously insane.

She felt her stomach drop when he squatted down beside her, his mouth opening wide in a teeth-displaying grin. Her eyes went wide.

“Stop that!” The heavily tattooed man stepped in and shoved his doppelganger away just to push some sort of device into her face that he had just pulled from his pocket. “We can´t kill her without testing her first. Gotta make sure she's not one of them.”

“Kill me?” Janie squeaked, shuffling away from them until her back was pressed up against an old beam. “Hell no! You can't kill me! I still have cake in the fridge that I didn't eat earlier because of my calorie count! You can't kill me before I had my slice of cake!”

The tatted one only rolled his eyes, coming closer with his device until he was right in front of her. With finality, he pushed a button. It started buzzing, three metal arms appearing along with something akin to a hologram. But before it could emerge it was knocked out of his hand from what looked like a giant flying stick that flew in a wide curve and back to where it came from. Standing on top of a six foot four high pile of wood, a man plucked it right from the air and Janie started to think she must be going insane because he looked like the homeless version of the other two. His clothes tattered, a beard that didn't really deflect one´s attention from his black eye, in his hand a fucking boomerang.

What the bloody hell?

"Fuck! That was our only prototype!" The tattooed man snarled, picking up the shattered piece of metal. Another crack was heard when his hand tightened around the handle, eyes narrowing dangerously in on the culprit. "Now I have no way of knowing if she's Divergent! Jeanine´s going to kill me, you incompetent fool!"

“Keep ya socks on.” Janie shrunk back, willing herself to wake up from his absurd dream when the heavily bearded one wearing a… trench coat, scrunched up his face and scratched his head a little lost. “I thought that was one of these things that make ma head explode, ya know? ...My bad.”

“My socks? My socks are on my fucking feet but my fucking screener is broken, you… what the fuck even are you anyway?!” Throwing his arm back, he hurled it towards the homeless version of himself who just barely managed to dodge it. They would have bickered on if not for a movement capturing their attention.

“What is this?” Another shadow emerged and Jeanie almost lost it, before she resigned with a heavy sigh when he stepped into the light. It´s was another one with the same features, the only difference that he was dressed in scrubs and his hair a little longer than the guy who had tried to kill her. His face was serious, almost fearful when he grabbed the phone from the ground, turning it in his hand.

“Skynet… Skynet…”

Jeez, he had a real case of the jitterbugs.

Suddenly, without warning, he threw his arm back and slammed it against the wall where it shattered into pieces. Janie jumped, eyes growing wide when she realized what he just did. Everyone stopped to stare at him.

“That was my phone!”

“Really, bud? Are you bonkers?” The scruffy one that was perched on a pile of wood like a predator ready to jump, shook his head.

 The Skynet looney didn't listen, an almost crazed expression taking over his face. He raked his hands through his hair, tugging harshly. Walking up and down, he mumbled to himself while everyone´s eyes were trained on him. Leaning forwards, Janie tried to catch it.

“It's here… It's seen me… How do I… What about Sar- OH, SARAH!” He stopped, eyes wide looking right at her.

“My name´is Janie…” Pointing at herself, she started to ask herself if her drink earlier had really just been tea. Maybe she had swallowed hallucinogens… or maybe she was going off the rails, bonkers like the scruffy one had so fittingly pointed out.

Stopping to stare at her, he stuttered.

“I… I don´t… SKYNET!”

“Alright.” Crossing his arms, Mr. tattoo shook his head in exasperation. “This one's clearly broken. But I could have told you that judging from the haircut alone… Seriously, man. Ever heard of hair gel? Even bush-boy over there is ahead of your rank.”

Scrunching up his eyebrows, the two of them stared at each other. “Skynet has taken over the whole world. How on earth am I supposed to get hair gel? I need mechanical parts... to build my time machine!”

"Well, that proves it, an absolute nutjob." Tatt's crossed his arms, scoffing to the others around him. "I'm supposed to be searching for Divergents and kicking Four´s ass, but you don't hear me whimpering over some time machine, do you?"

“Four? How are ya supposed ta kick a number?” The scruffy one questioned from his alleviated place.

“It´s his name.” He grumbled, flexing his jaw.

“Really?” Piped in the other one that had been awfully quiet if you didn’t count the attempted murder. His smirk was shiver-inducing. “What happened? One through three were taken?”

Slowly, the corners of the tattooed one's lips were rising until he wore an identical smirk. There was no doubt that these two must be brother´s; clones, or something like that. Janie was frighteningly overwhelmed, all she could do was stare from one to the other.

Before they could continue to talk about Skynet's, numbers, or for god´s sake, boomerangs, she stepped forward. With no real difference between the four of them, she would first have to know how to address them before kindly asking them to leave her barn.

“So,” She stepped in when the tattooed one opened his mouth. “It is really nice here, in the barn... after midnight... in October... but don't you think we should… wrap this up, yes?” When she got affirmative nods, she gave them a tense smile that was more of a grimace. “Great… so we have a Skynet, a boomerang, a mass-murderer and…” She turned to the tattooed one and stared at him expectantly. He looked like a biker, or one of those strange guy´s that were in gangs, tattoos and all.

 “A Leader,” he called himself.

"And a leader. Great. Fantastic" Walking backward, she inconspicuously made her way towards the door, gripping the handle. "Well, it was nice meeting y´all but I really have to –"

Turning, she came to face a sturdy chest and stumbled backward, away from those murderous eyes. The guy had already tried to kill her and once was enough for the day.

“Charlie,” he spoke, voice dark. “My name´s Charlie and I´m a construction worker for a German company. That´s what I do. All that I do.”

“That´s… nice,” Janie squeaked, feeling more than slightly threatened.

Walking backward, she stumbled into another sturdy chest. Whirling around, she came to face the leader guy cocking his head at her. “You were going somewhere?”

"Yeah…" she spluttered. "I have work in the morning, so… you know, the early bird catches the worm!" She swung her arm enthusiastically with the saying, trying to keep it cheerful.

“Early bird?...Great. Whatever. Since we are here with no way of getting back to the city… or wherever the hell they came from, it would be nice of you to show us our sleeping accommodations.”

Janie´s eyes widened. “Sleep – you want to sleep here?!”

"´ course, sweetheart." The boomerang guy grinned, jumping off the pile. He landed with a grace she wouldn't have expected from him. "I spent the last three years in a shithol´ before they shipped ma to Arkham. I would kill for a burger.”

Not liking his punctuation of the word killing, Janie gave him another one of her grimace-like smiles. “A burger… at one am in the morning…”

“I´m hungry, too,” piped up the one in the blue scrubs before awkwardly scratching his head.

“Yeah… Didn't she say something about cake earlier?” A voice coming directly from behind her had Janie jump which only made the tattooed one smirk, Charlie rolling his eyes.

“My cake – ” Janie protested but was cut off by the emo-version.

“Cake sounds fantastic. I hope it´s chocolate.” With an elaborate gesture of his arms, he stepped away from the door, clearing the path. “Lead the way.”

Shell-shocked by the happenings, Janie did not even think about protesting this time and pushed the door open, inhaling deeply the cold autumn air. Sadly, trying to make her hallucinations disappear did not work. Trudging after her, boots loud on the leaves, she led the four identical but so entirely different men to her house. After all, if they wanted to kill her, they could have done that in the barn, so why not let them into the house too?

She just hoped her cake would survive.

Turns out, Janie did not get her piece of cake. To be honest, after the four grown men were finished with her fridge, the only thing left was an old package of blue cheese that was well over three months old. They didn’t even leave her her peanut butter, those bastards.

At least she found out their names.

Charlie she already knew, after all, he had tried to choke her. She wouldn't forget him that soon.

The one clad in black; who had saved her life, was Eric. The other, Kyle, who still appeared rather disturbed. He was cowered away in the farthest corner of her kitchen, eyeing all of her electronic devices as if they would come to life at any second. She had to roll her eyes at that. They weren't in Transformers after all.

But if you asked Janie, a self-cooking oven was what she dreamed of at night.

 For Kyle, she had gone through her father´s old shirt, not being able to stand the pitiful sight of him in hospital scrubs. Now he was wearing old jogging pants and a tattered shirt that stretched too tight over his arms. Despite his anxious appearance, she had to admit he did have muscles.

Lastly, there was Boomer, or Captain Boomerang, or George ‘Digger’ Harkness, or daddy; like he had asked her to call him followed by a raaawr and a low purred ‘Kitten’.

If Janie hadn´t been doubtful of his - how should we say it - mental state, that would have had her almost convinced that something wasn´t quite right with the fellow. But what happened after letting her know he belonged nowhere else but in an asylum. Where he most likely came from. Perhaps grown up and raised, like in one of those bad horror movies.

 There was an old unicorn hidden away in her storage room where she had kept the mattresses for them to sleep on, and as soon as he saw the pink, fluffy unicorn, he lunged for it, shoving Charlie into an old closet. He hasn´t laid it down ever since; even took it with him into the bathtub, something Janie practically had to force onto him. But with Eric´s help, who blatantly refused to sleep beside him for a whole night while he was smelling like rotten fruit, it was manageable.

Janie felt more than a little insane for even entertaining the idea of letting all four of them live with her, but surprisingly, it worked out quite well and in the meantime, she learned a lot about her new subtenants.

Boomer, unsurprisingly came from the country down under which she had already guessed from his accent, not to mention the strange phrases he used. Busted after knocking his partner in crime out in the middle of the bank they had robbed by a guy in a red, leather body suit, he had been shipped to the US to play hero. But after watching his friend's head getting blown away; which he described with the most gruesome details, he suddenly found himself in the barn with no knowledge of how he had gotten there.

 The same with Eric.

Just like the Captain, he was a lot more full of himself than Janie liked a man to be, boasting and gloating like a parading cock. From what she understood, he was a leader of some sorts in a city that had been cut off from the outside for hundreds of years and was divided into groups, based on their genetic information. Whoever came up with that shit had no idea how genes really work, just saying.

All in all, he was a cocky arrogant bastard, but Janie couldn't help but find him attractive either way. There was just something about bad boys. But this one also had a brain.

From the other two, she had neither heard nor seen very much after that first evening. Kyle had been suspiciously silent, even while shoveling food into his mouth, the other´s starting to bring out the big guns. Not the muscles on their arms, no they were pretty similar, but their real ones.

Charlie, a company worker from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and the only one that seemed to be from this century, as well as not an alternate timeline, prided himself into fabricating all his bullets by himself, as well as being a sniper. In fact, he had found his rifle and a full case of bullets in the barn where he had appeared. Janie had wanted to forbid him to bring it into the house, but Oh, well… Arguing with a psychotic gunman that had the rifle in hand wasn't that high on her life-goals list. In the end, they banned it into the attic to where he disappeared at once and did not come out for two days straight.

Eric´s gun, on the other hand, was a small one; almost like a child's toy but its deadly firing power was not to be questioned. Especially not when he started describing the initiation process –  and how much he hated one of his co-workers.

Janie could relate, she too wished to eliminate tattletale of the office, a woman named Patrice that was annoyingly persistent in wanting to be her friend.  

It got problematic however when Boomer started to display his weapons, a wide range of boomerangs hidden in the depths of his trench coat that he never took off. Not sure if it was an accident or a spontaneous burst of insanity but he pressed the button on one of the explosives. He had to haul his ass out the kitchen and into the garden, only just managing to hurl it away before it exploded against her favorite tree, smashing the old oak into pieces. The only reason the thing didn’t catch fire was the storm the night before, a sheen layer of wetness coating the bark and preventing a disaster.

Either way, the police came to investigate, alarmed by a frightened neighbor that had heard the bang even though he lived the quarter of an hour away. While Janie was busy placating them, because no, no one here blew anything up, three of the anarchists hid in the potato cellar while the other one just... vanished.

Later, and after being creeped out by the strange noises coming from under her stairs she would find him, curled up in a nest of blankets in the cupboard under the stairs, where he hid cables and machine parts. As soon as Janie poked her head through the door, cautious because she still hadn´t forgotten what happening in Conjuring, Kyle threw one of the blankets over his stuff, hiding it from her before screaming at her to get out.

Janie had only once witnessed such an outburst when her mother walked in on her brother with his inflatable girlfriend, an event that was never talked but always snickered about on family reunions, even long after he managed to score himself a real one.

So in all, the only time she heard or saw anything from Kyle was when he sneaked out to the fridge at eleven in the evening and really early in the morning. She was pretty sure he had not showered once yet and that the suspiciously yellow looking bottle beside him wasn´t filled with soda.

The thought alone made Janie shudder.

She was currently taking a long, hot shower to calm her nerves. Living with four full-grown men that either behaved like teenagers or sociopaths was too much even for her. When she had moved out from home with eighteen to attend college, she thought she never had to share her bath with an ape again (with ape she meant her three brothers that were equally loud and hairy as the former speciesism), still, here she was. Again.

Not only had Charlie come in unannounced and used the toilet before her very own eyes but not even ten minutes in, an ear-shattering scream had her flying out the bathroom, only covered with a towel.

Worried that someone had been seriously hurt, she sprinted to where she thought the scream to have come from and already expected to see a young woman pierced with one of Charlie's bullets, after all, which man had such a high-pitched voice?

Following the shouting, all she found was the Captain shouting profanities and Eric releasing a knife with a calculating smirk pulling up his lip.

The blade whizzed past Janie´s head, only centimeters away and landed with a dull thud that was followed by another outcry from his doppelganger.

“C’mon, man! Ya can´t do that! What has pinky eva done to ya?”

Eric rolled his eyes, flicking around yet another blade in his hand. “It´s pink.”

“Mate, It´s a unicor- NO!”

Flinching a second time, Janie clutched her towel to her chest, her voice coming out as a whizz. “What are you doing?”

“Target practice.” Eric´s wandering eyes were not lost on her and Janie felt herself blush a little, realizing that the skimpy towel just barely covered her ass. This fact was not lost on him, his smirk broadening.

“Thank fuck ya´re here!” Boomer threw his hands in the air before grabbing her, giving a few good shakes. “He´s killin’ ma unicorn! You gotta help me!”

“Alright, alright!” Freeing herself from his grasp, Janie made sure all her lady-parts were covered before turning to Eric, giving him her sternest gaze. “Give him pinky back.”

“You´re not serious, are you?” When his long hard stare was met by her long hard stare, he shook his head, chuckling sarcastically.

“Eric.” Cocking her hips to the side, she tried to not think about the fact that she was almost naked and he a very, very attractive man. Instead, she channeled her inner Oprah, despite the fact that she was dripping on the carpet. "How about you give him pinky back and instead use a… a ham or something like that! I don´t know…" When he raised one eyebrow at her, Janie threw her hands in the air.

Hand.

Janie threw her hand in the air, the other one clutching the towel tightly. She wouldn´t give the two of them a peep show. Even if Boomer was just interested in the wounded unicorn that was pinned to the wall with a knife in his abdomen.

“Just give him back the damn stuffy!”

“Fine.” His change in attitude was so fast, it gave Janie whiplash. Boomer sprinted towards the wall to free the wounded unicorn. Crocodile tears gathered in his eyes as he took in the damage left behind by three sharp blades, the stuffing starting to spill out. Reacting immediately before those two could start WW 3 in her living room, Janie promised to sew it up if he waited in the kitchen.

When he was gone, Janie turned to Eric. “You are really mean, you know?”

“I guess.” Scrunching up his face, he shrugged his shoulders. “But that´s usually how the girls like me.”

“Well, certainly not me.” Janie declared, staring at him challenging. Eric took a step closer, intense eyes almost scorching her.

“We´ll see.” His eyes raking over her semi-naked form, Eric could no longer suppress a smirk.

“Nice packaging for your fanny you got there. You should think about investing in some panties.”

With one last chuckle, he was gone, leaving a shell-shocked Janie that was scrambling to cover herself and her bald fanny behind. Finally alone, she sunk down on the couch and covered her eyes with her hands.

Only a week living with those anarchists and she was already well on the way to the looney bin. This level of stress definitely called for a night in her favorite PJ’s, a sweater mess of fluff and comfort that always made her feel like a fluffy bunny. Well, rather a fluffy bunny than a bald fa- you know what I mean.

At least she didn’t have to worry about Boomer anymore.

As soon as she patched the unicorn up, he was back to his old, rambunctious self – not the whinny little girl she had got to meet. When he started to rip the door to the closet under the stairs open just to scream ‘Karry Rotter in the cupboard under the stairs!' (so it really had been slutty Hermione) and run away, cackling like the maniac he is, Janie was almost tempted to behead the unicorn and leave it on his pillow. But she had heard to many horror stories about what kinds of animals were at home in Australia.

And she much rather have a unicorn called pinky in the house than a boa constrictor called choker.

Later that week, Janie had a date. Neither did she want to call it a date, nor did she like the guy, but Jean-Luke was an unpleasantly persistent guy. Countless times he had asked her out, seemingly taking every rejection in stride and still, his wounded puppy-dog eyes haunted. No longer able to ignore him – or his advances – she had accepted, unwillingly but he didn't care.

If one bad date would be enough to keep him from ‘accidentally meeting’ her at the theater and following her home, even though she knew he had in the past, then so be it.

If it should not be enough, there still was a psychopath sitting in her attic right now, thirsting for murder. She had no doubt in mind he knew how to make it look like an accident.

As six o’clock approached, Janie was just done applying one last coat of mascara, grabbed her clutch and made her way downstairs, careful to not trip over her heels as she descended the stairs, the clicking of her shoes heard through the whole house.

It drew Eric from the kitchen where he, face contorted in his usual scowl, tried to get the popcorn machine to work. There was another one of those secret agent movies and he was determined to watch them all.

But when he arrived in the hallway, bowl in hand and ready to snap at her, the sight in front of him was enough to shut him up.

The woman, who he usually only knew to be clad in amity jeans and those insanely strange fluffy pajamas that made him want to throw up, stood a few stairs above him, a small black number hugging every delicious curve of her body, her usually straight blonde hair pinned up in an intricate up-do, accentuating her simple but elegant make-up. When she looked up, blue eyes meeting grey ones, the only thing being heard was the bowl falling, shattering into a thousand pieces.

While they both stared at each other, Eric transfixed, Janie startled, everything around them exploded in chaos.

“Burglars! Hide yo’ loot!” The Captain came crashing into the hallway from his hide-out in the utility room, one of his explosive boomerangs raised high above his head while the red spot appearing on Eric´s chest announced Charlie´s arrival with the silence of a skilled killer. How he made his way down from the attic where he had laid low on the floor, scouting the grounds around the old farm through the lens of his semi-automatic weapon, his finger always on the trigger, was a mystery to them all.

Realizing there was no danger around, Charlie rolled his eyes and put the gun down while the Captain furrowed his brow, after wildly looking around but finding no one that tried to steal his treasures.

“Oi! What was that for, you wonker? I almost blew us all to shit, ya –”

He trailed off as he noticed the woman in front of him. Trying to cover up his freak out, he propped one hand against the wall, with the other trying to tame his unruly beard.

“Yo, doll, ya going somewhere?”

Before Janie could answer him, Eric had already pushed him away with an inauspicious but painful shove to the ribs, trying to get her attention back. But by now, all four of them were vying for her attention. Yes, I said four.

Even Kyle stuck out his head from the cupboard, the thought of having to destroy an evil A.I. forgotten at his first sight of creamy white thighs.

It made her a little uncomfortable having all of these strange men staring at her intensely so the knock on the door came just at the right time.

The only problem, that Eric was the first to answer, the Captain lurking around in the background, scaring the poor lad that was standing there with exactly four daisies in hand. If we were in a comic, the sight of the bulky, tattooed, as well as the hairy burglar-like men towering over his form, would have the flowers wilt on the spot but as it is, he only swallowed heavily, glad the exit behind him was clear.

Well, until the Captain stepped forward and clasped his back almost painfully. Still, it was the tattooed one that addressed him.

“You must be Janie's friend. We've all been waiting for you.”

“You… you were?” he stuttered, thinking that maybe he was at the wrong house. After all, Janie did not live with guys that looked like

a)   An underground fighter

b)   Some wannabe rapper that made his money with burglaries and drugs just to spend it on prostitutes after

And c) a creepy guy staring down the stairs while inauspiciously shoving something away from his line of sight.

And was this… did that guy really just come from the cupboard under the stairs?! What was this, freaking Harry Potter and the mob?!

“Of course.” Eric shoved Boomer out of the way, pulling Jean-Luke inside where he led him through the hallway into the kitchen. Janie only managed an awkward smile before he was gone again. When Charlie pushed past, she unfroze, hurrying after them as fast as her heels allowed it.

The sight that greeted her when she came into the kitchen was vying for the spot of the strangest encounter of her life, competing with the night she found the four anarchists in the barn of course.

Eric had politely forced Jean-Luke into a chair on the dinner table, taking a seat opposite of him while Kyle, being the only one that had mechanic experience battled with the coffee-machine, because that's what you do when you want to appear friendly. You invite people for a coffee.

Janie´s date looked utterly lost, eyes frantically flitting between the four men that all looked strangely similar. Did Janie have secret quadruple brothers?

He was convinced, avoiding the stare of the tattooed man, just to catch the eyes of another that was staring at him with what he could only describe as bloodlust. When the third started cackling to himself while picking his fingernails, he thought to himself that the one operating the coffee maker must be the normal one of the lot. That was until he placed a cup of brown water in front of his face with a satisfied smile.

All the poor man was able to do was smile back awkwardly. Whatever the hell their problem was. Every single one of them looked as if they lifted steel beams in the morning and whole cars in the evening.

“So…” Eric drawled, sending Kyle with a move of his hand to stand in the opposite corner of the room. “You wanna take Jan out, right?”

“Yes, that was the plan.” Trying to come over as the honest and hard-working man he is, Jean-Luke mirrored Eric´s stance, hands folded on the table and leaning forwards. But all he got in return was a disdainful glance from the man in front of him and a snicker from the Captain that had made himself at home on the old bench, busy inspecting what seemed to be his toenails.

“And where do you want to take her?” Hand closed around the cup in front of him, Eric´s tone was almost bored but like always the glint in his eyes gave him away. He was more than just interested.

Behind him at the other side of the room, Kyle took a sip from his cup and immediately spit it out again, all over Charlie´s shoes who retaliated with a muffled curse and a hit over the head.

“Ehh, there's this…” Ripping his gaze away from the strange scene before him, Jean-Luke’s focus switched over to the block tattoos that adorned his neck, asking himself how the man could have lived through so much pain. He only had one tattoo of his own, a little fairy on his right butt cheek, a reminder to never bet on anything while drunk – especially not on ducks.

...Don´t even ask.

“There's this new restaurant that just opened in town. We got reservations in like, thirty minutes, so we have to leave soon…”

“Yeah, right. And you will have her back before midnight?” Recoiling in surprise, Jean-Luke furrowed his brows.

“No offense, but are you her brother´s or something like that?” He laughed awkwardly, trying to hide how uncomfortable he felt in their presence but trailed off quickly when no one joined him.

“Something like that.” Eric tilted his head and Jean-Luke suddenly got the feeling that he just failed an important interview. He stayed basically iced onto the chair while the other men started trickling out of the room one after another, Eric stopping in the threshold to fix him with one last stare.

“Midnight, yeah?”

“Yes, of course!” He jumped at the opportunity to reassure him. “She´ll be back way before then… Not way, no, but in time. Yes, just in time.”

Alone in the kitchen, Jean-Luke rambled on and on while Janie stood in the other room, earning herself a wink from the Captain and the rare sight of Eric wearing a self-satisfied smirk. Those were usually kept for himself.

“Good luck with that one.” Bending over, Eric´s mouth was right beside her ear, breath washing over her face. “You'll definitely need it.”

With another chuckle, that was worthy of a real villain, he followed his three doppelgangers into the depths of the house while Janie stayed back, already exhausted before the night had even started.

Closing her eyes in horror, she rubbed her forehead as she relived every single word that had been spoken in her once tranquil kitchen that was slowly being taken over by a bunch of wildlings.

She was in for a long night.

The date went to hell, or should she say to the doppelgangers. Not that Janie had wanted to go out in the first place, but spending the whole night being badgered with questions like ‘Who were they?’ or ‘Where did they come from’ made it even worse. But when Jean-Luke asked if they were here for a porn production she had just had enough. Cutting their date short may have just been the best thing she experienced the whole week.

Well, except, of course, the day before. She and the three (Kyle was hiding in the closet under the stairs again; all she heard from under there were mechanical clunks and a few groans and Janie hoped it was because he had hit his head, not something else) guys went grocery shopping. She had had enough, having to carry around heavy bags when she had three guys of which not one skipped leg day, and it was obvious.

Not just to her but also to the other women from the village who were out for their weekly errands. Janie had never gotten so many scandalous stares, but at least every one of them was envious.

Envious that she had three guys at home, men that helped with the shopping while theirs were wasting away on their couches, beer in one hand, the remote in the other. She would bet that at least half of them would trade their husbands (and bag-sized dogs) in for one night with one of her men.

 Little did they know, that Eric got up every morning at six am, made scrambled eggs and coffee, only for himself, before training until his shirt was soaked through, stinking up her whole garage.

That Charlie, ever since he found his sniper, spent most of his days lying in the attic with his gun, scouting out the area.

That Kyle had created something akin to a lair beneath her stairs, stealing blankets and disassembling her electronic devices because he was searching for parts to build a time machine with.

That the Captain liked to strip down naked and walk through the house. Or that she was convinced he had used her laptop to watch porn. OR, that she discovered it really was a slutty version of Hermione, giving head to the headmaster.

Yeah, living with them wasn't as great as one would have thought.

After three weeks of Boomer lounging around in front of the TV with his hand in his sweatpants (yuck), Charlie building a fort in her attic, Eric having a mental breakdown because he had nothing or no one to beat up and Kyle being holed up in the cupboard that started to emit a strange smell, not even mentioned the clanks and cluttering at night, Janie had enough. She needed a whole day just to herself, with no suggestive glances, no bitching about pointless stuff and especially no guns.

Just this morning, Charlie´s gun went off in the middle of breakfast. He almost shot Kyle in the ass and managed to destroy her favorite vase, so they had to go. All of them. Just for a few short hours of uninterrupted me-time.

Janie asked herself if that´s what motherhood felt like and she seriously hoped not.

To send them out, exploring the wilderness around the cottage was just one of the best things she could have done.

A long, relaxing bath, a good book and several chocolate bars later she felt as if she could deal with the whole bunch again. She even had the time to clean the cupboard, exchange a few of the blankets, leftover food from two weeks ago and the full bottle that most certainly was not lemonade (double-yuck). The other thing she found was mechanical parts, lots of them, that have been assembled to a one-foot-high round device, that seemed to be a work in progress. Shifting through the parts, Janie could have sworn that at least one of them belonged into her washing machine that suspiciously stopped working a few day´s ago. As well as her clock, her cell phone, and the remote control.

That bastard.

The only reason he must have left the TV alone was, that Boomer would have skinned him alive. His new-found love for soccer instead of cricket made him a little more violent than usual. Well, as long as it made Kyle happy and prevent him from going off the rails, she was okay with it. The washing machine needed replacement either way.

However much she loved the solitude, after dust was setting in, Janie began to worry. What if they got lost on their way home. Or worse, got arrested for trying to rob the local bank? God knows they have the skills for it. Kyle would be the one to keep watch, Charlie would take out the security as stealthy as a snake, Boomer would break open the bank vault and Eric would help carry the loot.

The longer Janie thought about it, the more vivid her imagination became and she was just about to jump up and go search for them, maybe on the police station, when the front door opened.

Face red from the chilly autumn air, Kyle was the first to come in, closely followed by Eric and the other two. Janie breathed a sigh of relief because neither of them looked bruised or battered in any way. Them killing each other would have been the second point on her very long list.

But the relief was short-lived because Boomer opened his coat to expose a cat nestled into his warmth. As if on cue, the other three stretched out their arms, presenting Janie three mini-me´s of the big one. Kittens.

Where the hell did they get kittens?

“Where the hell did you get kittens?” Janie asked quite loudly, already fearing the worst.

“Found them on the street. Don´t worry, we didn’t steal them.” Eric rolled his eyes, putting his kitten back into his pocket.

“This little mama was screamin’ for meh to get her. Look at that fluff!” The Captain raked his finger´s through her fur and was promptly rewarded by a loud purring. “She´s purrin’ louder for me than most of me kittens.”

A resonating groan echoed through the room and Janie scrunched up her face. She had always hated when someone called her that. But she had no doubt that most of the women Boomer associated with liked to do strange things in the bedroom. The tales she heard could never be forgotten. They were burned into her memory so deep, not even bleach would help.

“Can we keep them?”

“No – what? No!” Janie heaved a frustrated sigh, raking a hand over her face. “We can´t keep them.” Four heads snapped up, varying between shock and anger.

“Why not?” Charlie questioned, his unnerving gaze trailed onto her.

“Just… because!” Janie stuttered, trying to come up with a valid reason. “Because… the dog doesn´t like cats! That´s it. And we all don´t want kitten kebab, right?”

The looks being thrown her way almost made her feel as if she was the kitten murder. It didn´t help that in the same moment the dog came in, trotted over to where Boomer held the mother and gave her a lick before laying down on his bed.

Janie felt her resolve crack under their accusing stares. She threw her hands in the air.

“Fine! Keep them.” Pointing with her finger at them, she narrowed her eyes. “But you will be cleaning the litter tray!”

It turned out, that keeping those smoll fluff balls of love may have just been the best that´s happened to Janie in the last month. Boomer finally had an occupation of his time, instead of just watching TV and drinking beer he spent most of the time in the laundry room where the kittens could toll around freely. The mother-cat, with the new-found name Miss Dixy, was in love with him.

If she didn´t look after her babies, she slept curled in his lap, or on his chest, wherever she could. Eric was enamored with the complete black little tomcat, claiming that he matched his clothes while Charlie always carried around the orange-striped one that he´d named Sandy, after a long-lost love.

Even Kyle came crawling out of the cupboard for an hour a day to watch them roll around and play. Not once had Janie heard Boomer call him Karry Rotter after that.

They all seemed to get along.

One afternoon, just a week shy of Halloween, Janie was sitting in her kitchen, reading through the daily paper when Eric joined her. Looking up, she raised her eyebrows.

“Where are Tweedledee and Tweedledum? I thought you were a package deal?”

"Not today." He suppressed a snicker. "Miss Dixie peed on his coat, right onto pinky."

“Oh no!” Janie groaned. “And Kyle dissembled the washing machine…”

“Yeah, he´s been scrubbing and whining the past twenty minutes.” No matter how much he tried to hide it, Janie saw the satisfaction ghosting over Eric´s face. Stepping closer to the cabinets, he pulled out a pan. “You already ate?”

“Nope. Just wanted to start cooking.” Getting up with a sigh, Janie was not prepared to be pushed back into her chair. When she whirled around, Eric´s face was unreadable.

“We all know I´m a better cook anyway.”

“Oh, really?” Janie raised her eyebrow and sat back. “Then let´s see.”

And see she did.

With a grace that was reserved only for dancer´s and the masters of material arts, Eric made his way through the kitchen, pulling out herbs and other ingredients as he went. Within minutes the mouthwatering smell of well-prepared food floated the kitchen. Janie´s eyes not once left his body.

With her chin leaned on the backrest, she spoke what she had thought countless times these past few weeks.

“You know, you always insist that you´re so scary. But honestly, you´re not half bad.”

Eric let out a loud, carefree laugh. Grabbing a pinch of salt, he poured it over the dish, turning off the stove

“That´s what she said.” With a wink, he shoveled the omelet onto the plate and placed it in front of her. “Bon Appétit.”

While she stared at the plate flabbergasted, he was already gone, vanished in the depths of the old cottage. Janie felt a strange tweak in her chest. She had never had a man cook for her, nonetheless in such a casual way. As if they did this every day.

A nice, kinda warmish feeling.

Curious, if the omelet would taste as good as it looked, Janie picked up the fork and took a bite. When the flavors exploded on her tongue, she had to suppress a moan. It was even better.

“Jan, ya there?”

She looked up from her book, furrowing her brow at the Captain's strange behavior; acting like a little boy surely did not suit him.

“Yes, what can I help you with?” Closing the book, she cocked her head at him when he started rubbing his neck.

"Ya see… there´s a…" He scrunched up his nose, bowing forward towards her ear. The last thing he wanted was the other buggers to hear him talk about his tallywhacker. He didn't discriminate between men and women but this would go a little far, even for him. Making sure one last time no one was around, he whispered at her. "There´s a bushfire going on, you know, down there…”

Blinking incredibly, Janie´s stare wandered from his face to the bulge right in front of her face that he covered with one of his hands, obviously scratching his itch right in front of her face. Before she could regain her countenance, Eric strode into the room, a book of his own in hand. Barely sparing the two of them a glance, he went over to the cabinet and poured himself a drink while the Captain squirmed uncomfortably in his spot, trying to be inconspicuous. But with years of experience around crabby teens - no pun intended - Eric knew exactly what was going on.

Turning around, he leaned against the wooden shelf, taking a sip of his drink, keeping a straight face despite the burn in his throat he asked casually.

“You shagged a sheep?”

Sputtering, the Captain straightened up, looking at the other man in horror. " ‘course not! Whatcha talkin ‘bout?! My willy´s going nowhere near a jumbuck! I´m not that toey!"

“Really?” Eric raised one eyebrow, hiding his smirk behind the rim of the tumbler. “Never looked at one thinking it was a good root?” Eric taunted him further, enjoying easy prey in the bastard way.

“No!” Boomer called out again, his face immediately falling as he stumbled over his words, shooting the woman in front of him a quick glance. Every chance of getting her for a good shag just flew outta the window. “But… There was this orange…” he surrendered, trailing off.

Janie stilled in her seat, suddenly realizing why she had found at least three different oranges with only holes in them laying around in her utility room. She shuddered violently, thinking about how she touched them. Of course, it hadn't been the dog!

“So…” Eric trailed off before coming straight to the point. “You decided to fuck an orange?”

“The computer told meh to!” the Captain cried out, glancing at the shocked woman to his side. “I was searching fer vids when SheepShagger69 told me to just make a hole and put it intah the microwave!”

“I know. I found your browser history.” Eric rolled his eyes, shaking his head. But when he fixed the Captain with another stare, he could no longer suppress a smirk. “You know, Janie really has a nice collection of rosehips. Luckily, she freed them from all of their seeds because they itch like hell…”

Both Janie and the Captain understood the underlying message in the same moment and she watched Boomer's face slowly turning red as he realized what exactly Eric had done, a malevolent glint sparkling in his eyes that promised manslaughter.

“YA FUCKING PUT ITCHING POWDER INTO MA ORANGE?!”

Not a second after the words had left his mouth, Boomer lunged for him, knocking him straight into the old oak wood wardrobe and both went down. All Janie could do was watch first in horror, then slowly resignation took over while both men were swinging at each other, rolling around and bumping into the furniture.

Without another word, she got up and left with a new resolve. Never again would she buy anything fragile and never, ever in her life would she touch something she didn’t know where it came from.

Or where it had been.

Clad with the laundry basket under her arm, Janie was on her way to her bedroom. Because the washing machine was out of order, she had to use the antique laundry tub in the second, older barn. Not only did her hands burn from the hard, unusual work but her whole appearance was in disarray, being splashed with water for so often. That was, why when Kyle called her name she was reluctant to go see him. A shower sounded so much better.

But because she was such a great person and he never really bothered her, Janie turned around and gave him a smile.

“What can I help you with?”

Scratching his head, Kyle seemed to have no idea where to start. “I want you to know that I appreciate it, everything you´ve done for us. I mean, the cooking, the cleaning up after us, washing our clothes by hand… By the way, sorry for that.” Scrunching up his nose, he gestured towards the basket that she had cocked up on her hips.  “I just… I think it´s time for me to go home.”

“Go home?” Janie questioned a little confused, setting the basket on the floor so she could focus on Kyle. “How would you do that?”

“You see, I´ve been working on the solution for the past few weeks now and I finally got it right.”

“So you´re leaving?” Janie asked, only realizing how upset she sounded when she had already spoken. Kyle gave her a sad smile.

“Yes.”

"Oh, okay…" Lost, Janie had no idea what she should do until she was suddenly enveloped by a pair of sturdy arms. Reciprocating his hug, she realized that even though he was a lot skinnier than Boomer, for example, he could most likely still crush a small vehicle with that muscles of his.

“I´m going to miss you.”

And she spoke the truth. Over those four weeks, she had known those four anarchists, she somehow got to like every single one of them, even Charlie, though he still scared her sometimes. She had got accustomed to the metallic clattering in the dead hours of the night, as well as bursts of steam wafting through the slits. If Janie wouldn´t have known a mechanic was working in the cupboard under the stars, she could have mistaken it for a wizard.

Pressing her against his chest one last time, Kyle released her.

„You´re really nice, and I would love to stay for a little bit longer but...“

"Sarah." Janie nodded, giving him a warm smile. In the few hours, he had spent with her in the living room while the others were out wreaking havoc she had gotten to hear quite a bit of her. And even though he didn´t know her all that much, Janie knew he was head over heels."

A smile tugged up the corners of his mouth, a strange spark behind his eyes.

“Yeah, she´s waiting for me to come home. Well, to Los Angeles in 1987 but that´s just figures…” He stared at Janie for a long time before shrugging his shoulders. “I guess this is goodbye?”

"Yes." Giving him a sad smile, Janie took a step back. "I´m going to miss you, Kyle. You strange guy."

“I´m going to miss you too. I will think of you when I defeat Skynet.”

“You do that!” Janie laughed and picked up the basket, a small sliver of melancholia tugging in her chest. “I hope everything turns out well for you.”

“For you too. Goodbye Janie.” With one last wave, he disappeared back into the cupboard. When the door closed behind him, Janie knew she would never see him again.

The other´s found her sitting in the hallway with the basket on her lap two hours later. Veiled by white fog that came from the cupboard forty minutes ago, Eric almost stumbled over Janie´s feet, just to stop short in his path and be run over by Boomer. Shooting him a glare, he perched down in front of Janie, scrutinizing her face closely.

“Everything´s alright?”

“He´s gone.” Was all she answered, cocking her head.

“Who´s gone?” Charlie inquired before shoving Boomer out of his way and the door to the cupboard open. A new surge of smoke wafted into his face, making him cough. But when it cleaned up enough for him to see, he turned around with furrowed brows. “He´s gone.”

“I know.” Janie sighed, getting up from the floor. She had heard the exact moment he left, the buzzing and whirling coming to a new high that had the house shake in its foundation. Then, all had become still. Kyle was gone. “I’ll need a new washing machine, but at least he´s home now.”

“You think so?” Eric asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Well, I hope so. No idea where he´d end up at if not in LA 1987." With one last look at the circular machine in the middle of the cupboard, she walked into the kitchen, all three trailing behind her like lost kittens.

“Now,” She threw open the door of the fridge. “who wants cake?”

The 31st of October, one of Jamie´s favorite holidays: Halloween.

Dressing up had always been one of her favorite past times, if it was dresses from the 18th century England, her mother´s favorite lingerie or those huge yellow blobs they called minions – it didn´t matter. As long as she was disguised so heavily not even her mom recognized her, everything was well. Or not, if you counted that time she called the police because the Babadook was haunting her house. It was an uncomfortable night and many uncomfortable days of being grounded afterward.

Still, she just loved it.

Spending the day carving a pumpkin with the three as well as trying to hide the candy from Boomer (not that many ever came out this far, but still) the hours flew by and before she knew, dusk was settling in, an eerie feeling adding to the spooky atmosphere. Having put the men in charge of installing the pumpkin light chains, an effortless try to tire Boomer out for the night, Janie was busy finishing up the pumpkin-spice soup when she heard the tell-tale slamming shut of the front door.

Raised voices alerted her that something was wrong. Pulling off the apron, she hurried into the foyer.

Squaring up to each other, Boomer and Charlie were facing off, the gunmen’s skin flushing a dangerous shade of red. “You stabbed me!”

Holding up his bleeding hand for all to see, Janie´s eyes widened in disbelieving.

“T’was an accident!” Boomer shouted back, no feelings of guilt marring his conscious.

Gritting his jaw, Charlie took a step closer, pointing his finger into Boomer´s face. “Twice!”

Diverting his stare at the ceiling, Boomer scrunched up his face in concentration. After a short moment, he shrugged his shoulders. “Well, two accident´s.”

“You little…!” Charlie´s advances at Boomer were intercepted by Eric stepping in between, doing nothing but stare at him. Seizing him up, for a moment it seemed as if Charlie would try to take him on too but ultimately, he knew it was a bad idea and stepped back. Even a serial-killer training couldn’t match up to Eric´s routine.

When it came to exercising, Eric was like a mad-man possessed.

Trying to diffuse the situation, Jamie stepped in between them pushing Charlie back with her palms on his chest when tried getting to Boomer, who did nothing but grin at him.

“What the hell is going on?” Janie demanded to know, making her voice as stern as she could. When both men started yelling simultaneously, she turned to Eric.

He could barely suppress a grin.

“Captain here thought the knife from the box wasn´t a real one so he tested it out… twice.”

“RIGHT INTO MY FUCKIN’ HAND!” Charlie shouted, lashing out. The sound of porcelain breaking against the wall had Janie jerk, the men were unfazed.

Until a voice resonated in the room that belonged to none of the four.

"Nah, nah. Why so violent? There is nothing to be upset about." Whirling around, Janie came to face an elderly man in a full-blown Halloween costume. A beard going well over his chest, his hair almost the same length was covered by a large hat with a pointed end. His walking stick was frighteningly huge and sturdy enough to knock someone on their arse with. But his clothing was the most bizarre because it was -

“Is that a cloak?” Eric asked incredibly, eyebrows pulled up into his hairline. Boomer grunted out a disagreeing sound.

“Nah, I think it´s one of those maxi-dresses the more corpulent women like to wear. You know, to hide their titties…”

“Silence!” The man bellowed, throwing Boomer a glare that surprisingly did shut him up. “We are not here to converse about my choice of attire, which is, if I may say so, the hottest shit in Mordor –“

“What´s a Mordor?” Boomer whisper-asked Eric who just shrugged his shoulders, the corners of his mouth slowly pulling down. Narrowing his eyes, he spoke up, suspicion laced in his voice. “Who are you?”

“It is, in fact, a kingdom.” The hooded man answered with a sigh. “And my name is Gandolf, the grey.”

For a moment everything was silent, then:

“Your name is Gandolf, the grey?” Boomer exploded into a fit of giggles that grew worse with each passing second. Choking on his own voice he wheezed out: “An’ ya´re from Mordor?  Where´s tha’? Right nex’ to Hogwarts?” Taking a few deep breaths to calm himself, Boomer brushed away a stray tear. “ For meh ya lookin’ like an idiot in a cloak. Better get back to you´re nursin’ home, old man.”

"Enough!" Eye´s blazing, Gandolf, the grey, slammed the end of his walking stick into the ground, making not only Boomer but also the other two freeze on their spots. Wide-eyed, Janie gaze flew from the petrified men towards the wizard, taking a cautious step back.

“Now that those big-mouthed idiots are quiet, we shall have our talk.”

“O-our talk?” Janie squeaked out, wishing that the knife Boomer abused was somewhere near. If she should go from this world it would not be with twenty-six. No, she´d be at least forty-seven, unmarried with 12 cats. When they would finally find her corpse, three weeks later there would not be much left of her. After all, her darlings had to eat.

“Of course, our talk. I am sincerely sorry for sending you those four idiots, there was a slight mix-up in our wish-granting factory.” Gandolf sighed.

“A… a mix-up.” Janie asked unbelievingly, staring at him. She consciously chose to disregard the wish-granting thing.

"Yes, you see," He started, gesturing for her to take a seat on the bench right beside the shoe rack. With shaky legs, she sunk down. "Right at the moment, you wished for your perfect man, a woman in an alternative reality that was in a bit of trouble wished upon the gods for them to save her. You see, her husband had to sell himself into slavery and she wished for someone to bring him back to her. Your two wishes were confused.

I would have liked to right this wrong, but by the time we realized what went wrong, the four meant for you had already, sadly, found their end in an arena by the hand of a very vicious lion.

I am sincerely sorry for that.”

Nodding along to everything he said, Janie felt just the same, if not even crazier than the night she found the four anarchists in her barn. “So… my perfect men are… dead?”

"I fear so." Gandolf sighed. "And they were the last one of their kinds we produced. Semi-hard working, slightly homophobic men, just a tiny, weeny bit. They would have been perfect in the beginning, charming you off your pants until you said yes, then impregnated you in your wedding night before forcing you to quit your job. Three kids later, two too much for their liking, but they had insisted after you worked day and night to keep the house clean and your body in shape, they would have to work longer and longer. Then weekends, whole trips with the firm.

After a talk with one of his colleagues, you would finally find out that he has had an affair for as long as his new secretary worked for him. First you´d ignore it, try to keep the appearances up but when they got bolder, even doing it on your kitchen counter, you know because you found her thong in the cupboard beside your kid´s lunch boxes you would have enough.

Following a divorce, a few one-night stands with bikers from the freeway that frequent the local pub and a steamy affair with your twenty-year younger gardener, a son that hates you and a daughter with an attention deficit, because all she´s interested in are boys and makeup.

For the next ten years you lived comfortably off of life-support, draining his sorry-ass dry and while you live your self-centered life, your husband's girlfriend would leave him for someone more successful, he gets bald and a beer-pouch until he ultimately looks like the slimebag he is. How does that sound?"

“Just like I always imagined it to be.” Janie sighed almost dreamily. It sounded like a dream come true.

“Too bad.” Gandolf shrugged his shoulders. “Either way, I hope you found your match under those four. The other ones were insanely… bland. Well, the lion didn´t think so but still. No matter how insane, I´m sure their body fat percentage is just as low as the number of premature ejaculations in life.” He took a long look at Boomer. “Maybe not him… looks as if he´d shot like a rocket after a little hanky-panky in the backseat.

Sooo… which one of the four do you want?”

Turning around, Gandolf stared at her expectantly.

“Three…” Janie stuttered. “There are just three left. Kyle went home just last morning.”

“Oh right.” He scrunched up his face before rolling his eyes. “Home? Pfft! Transported himself into the Italy of the 17th century that bullock, naked as the day he was born. Had to get him back from there.” Nodding his head as a wide-eyed Janie, he continued.

“Kyle was trapped in an atelier with no way of getting out without being burned at a stake. Indecent exposure plus strange language… they would have totally branded him as a witch. Luckily the guy owning the house understood a bit of mechanics, he was alright. Even made us a tea.

But I think we left quite the expression on him.” Turning his stick in hand, Gandolf sighed.

“Now somewhere in this world, a painting of an old, bearded man in a cloak and a naked idiot dramatically stretching his hand in the air are branded onto a ceiling. Thanks very much for that.”

"I´m sorry?" Jamie spoke hesitantly, just willing him to stop speaking in riddles. All that was not comprehensible for her poor brain.

“It´s alright, dear.” Gandolf fixed her with a long stare, her state of mind obvious to him. He decided to have mercy on her. “I´m going to take them with me now. Well, two of them at least. The one your heart solely most desires. I hope it chose wisely.”

Janie wanted to ask him what he meant by that but before she could even move a finger, a darkness slowly settled over her and she could feel her consciousness slipping away. She could just hope it wouldn´t be Boomer.

Even a life in an asylum sounded better than being forced to live with a maniac like him.

Janie awoke to the smell of breakfast wafting up into her little bedroom. A small smile on her lips, she got out of bed, slipped into her dressing gown and the fluffy slippers before making her way downstairs into the kitchen. There he was, her man, making scrambled eggs without his shirt on, a sight she could very well get used to.

Walking up to him, she slung her arms around his waist and rested her cheek on her back. Turning his head, she could just barely see his lips pulling up into a lazy smile while he flipped around the eggs without missing a beat

“Smells great.” Janie muttered, rubbing her face on him before pressing a kiss to his bare skin.

“I know.” All she got in return was a cocky grin. “Sit down, I’ll bring you your coffee.”

"Alright." Only half following his orders, she perched herself up on the kitchen counter, a sly smile on her lips. Just until he bent forward and bit her bottom lip in warning.

“Careful kitten.”

“Raaawr.” Pretending to extract her claws, Janie only earned herself a heated glare, that was warning and promise at once. With one sweep, he grabbed her hip and pulled her from the counter, ignoring her loud squeal. Instead of taking her up into the bedroom again, like yesterday night, he set her down onto the bench much to her chagrin.

But she wasn´t grouchy for long, the food he placed in front of her simply too delicious to pout over.

Shoveling eggs in her mouth while simultaneously trying to look sexy, Janie thought about what her life had become in just a few short weeks. What difficulties she had to face with the four of them and how she came to find the one she had desperately wishing for. Not one that would cheat on her as soon as she got her first wrinkle but someone she could spend the rest of her life with, even when she was old and fat.

Someone that wouldn´t leave her even when she was on her period and cranky, or bloated and pregnant. Not a hanger-on in a stage of her life but someone to walk along the whole way, no matter how far it would be.

Yes, Janie wished upon a star. She wished for a man she thought should be the one but instead, she got a maniac. A glitch of the universe, maybe it was fate. She was starting to feel it, a certainty deep inside her chest that she hoped to be able to tell about when she was old, a grandmother.

He was the love of her life.

Her leader.

(Kyle... what did you do?!) 

[jefferyaody273-blog]

Just How Google Is Transforming Exactly How We Approach Showbox Download

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[ciathyzareposts]

Batman Returns – Final Rating

Written by Joe Pranevich

Christmas in July August!

There comes a time in everyone’s life where they need to put away their toys and provide a numerical rating for a tie-in adventure game written in 1992. More than once, in my case. But before we get into the all-important rating, let’s recap:

Batman Returns is the final game by Bill Kunkel’s Subway Software. Unlike the majority of the games that we play, we have Mr. Kunkel’s on words on the development process in a series of editorials as the “Game Doctor”. We can appreciate his joy at being able to work with the Batman mythos followed by his horror as he realized he was not making the game that he dreamed of. Instead of producing a Batman game that he could be proud of, he had to shoehorn in an adventure game on top of a movie that he did not like, with studio interference telling him what he could and could not include, with a development house that seemed ill-equipped to build the game that he designed. It is perhaps no wonder that this was his final game with Subway, although that may have been as much due to his changing fortunes in the magazine world as frustration with the game design one. Reading his words, I could not help but to root for the game to be better than its reputation. It also saddens me to no end that Mr. Kunkel is no longer with us; he feels approachable and would have been an amazing person to interview. I failed to mention it earlier, but we have also lost Joyce Katz (née Worley), the third member of the Kunkel/Katz/Worley trifecta. Of the three original developers and business partners, only Arnie Katz appears to still be with us, but I have been unable to locate him in time for this post.

Rather than dwell on that, let’s consider what we have: the first ever Batman adventure game and the first game to focus on his abilities as a detective. We successfully pieced the clues together to locate Penguin’s lair and prevent him from becoming mayor of Gotham. We stopped an army of marching penguins with rocket launchers. While we failed to bring Catwoman into the light, I’m going to imagine that there’s a world in the DC multiverse where Burton’s Batman and Catwoman managed to eventually get together and find a good therapist. They both could use one. Batman drove off into a snowy sunset and we can at least be thankful that no one thought to create a game based on Batman Forever.

A clue that wasn’t there yesterday and that has no reason for being there today!

Puzzles and Solvability

Batman Returns tried to do something different. It does not have standard adventure game-style puzzles where you use inventory items on foreground objects until something interesting happens. Instead, we have a game that rewards patient searching; Batman is detective first and a muscle-bound crime fighter second. This works better than you might think and my interest held for a while, but eventually the dearth of different locations led to a feeling of monotony rather than exploration. Objects are always placed in obvious places but usually only for a single day and the game expresses little desire to make the search process interesting or difficult.

With no inventory puzzles, we might surmise that the main “puzzle” of the game is the mystery. That works for a couple of days while we collected evidence to tie Shreck and Penguin together, but it is not enough to sustain the pace of the game. Instead, we might say that the key goal of the game is to find Penguin’s extortion tape, requiring us to discover his headquarters and find a way in. While this seems like a decent puzzle, we don’t have any real control over the resolution. We find clues in the order that the game gives them to us and (if we find the fish on the first day), we eventually get the tape. Within this constraint, there are some good moments– Tony the Fishmonger is my favorite– but we have little control over the pace and direction of the investigation. Combat is a mini-puzzle itself, but once we learn which bat-tools defeat the various villains, it becomes simple. Objects reset when you interrogate someone so a winning strategy is to make good use of the bolo-batarangs to trigger interrogation scenes to refresh our stuff. It is not rocket science and I sorely wish there was more to this game. It shows promise, but the execution is lacking.

My score: 3.

The utility belt is a non-traditional inventory.

Interface and Inventory

This game uses a verbless interface, something we’re going to see a lot more of in the next few years; on that score alone it is quite progressive! Almost everything can be done with a single click and there are often two ways to do things. Want to climb to a roof? You can either click the top of the screen if you have an object that will get you there or click on the object itself in your inventory. Although Batman moves too slowly, I never felt that the interface was a problem. There are some strange quirks here and there like how you can normally go to a system menu by pressing the ESC key, except during combat when you have to press a button on the toolbar labeled “ESC” instead. My guess is a bugfix thrown in at the last minute.

We also do not have traditional “inventory” puzzles. Batman never has to use a ball of yarn that he found in Catwoman’s apartment to fly a kite to attract lightning to fry an electronic lock on Penguin’s lair. Batman is a millionaire. Since he can buy anything he might need, limiting the inventory to evidence and bat-gadgets makes sense. The fact that he has more gadgets than slots in his belt isn’t surprising and works overall. In a stranger choice, we cannot see what evidence we are carrying except when we deposit it in the computer. I like that there is a good rhyme and reason to using gadgets in combat, something I didn’t cover very much in the narrative itself. Some gadgets are good for long-range attacks, while others allow Batman to close the distance and attack with his fists. While the combat is shallow, it is often better than my summaries implied. You can tell that they worked hard on that part of the engine, perhaps to the detriment of the plot-facing parts.

My score: 4

Much of the story is told through the nightly news.

Story and Setting

I am conflicted on this score because there is a lot to like. The designers did remarkably well with a slow build of tension over the first few days as we gradually uncovered the connections between the characters. They transformed a straight-forward action movie that into a mystery that Batman had to solve. The background stories in the computer, and the way some of these details shifted as you played the game, helped to make the setting come alive. Bill Kunkel complained that his team was prevented from deviating from the film and decision alone probably did irreparable damage to the game. We can see glimpses of what he was thinking thanks to some encounters and database items that don’t quite connect, but it doesn’t feel like a finished product.

For all that, the game falls apart at the end as the designers realized that they had to tell the rest of the film’s story all in a rush. This led to too many disconnected cut-scenes, dropped plot-lines, and things happening in the game because they happened in the movie. Alfred shows up! Rocket-launcher penguins show up! There is some foreshadowing to Commissioner Gordon showing up, but the latter third of the game becomes a poor retelling of the movie rather than its own thing. Although I didn’t experience both sides of the fork, the choice as to whether or not we give our evidence to Commissioner Gordon was great. It was a real role-playing moment with an impact on the ending, ensuring that Shreck is arrested rather than killed and Catwoman doesn’t have blood on her paws. That deserves special recognition.

My Score: 4

The rooftop scenes are surprisingly well animated.

Sound and Graphics

The game cuts corners by not giving Batman free movement, but the graphics and sound may be the best part of the game. The snow effects are exceptionally well done for 1992 and I wonder how much of it was animated versus motion capture. The combat engine supports far more somersaults and moves than you expect, making the fights kinetic if not exactly interesting to watch. I love the hand-painted backgrounds, many of which were based on Tim Burton’s set design but some of which are unique to the game. From Kunkel’s blog, we know that the designers visited the movie’s rooftop set during production and I cannot help but feel that they learned a lot about the film’s design aesthetic which they put to good use.

The game also has a secret weapon: Danny Elfman’s iconic Batman score. Those beautiful notes are forever burned into the nostalgia-center of my brain thanks their use in Bruce Timm’s Batman: The Animated Series. Even a couple of hooks from that score were enough to elevate otherwise boring “Batman running to the Batmobile” scenes. You can hardly credit the game designers for using a three-year old score, but I am doing it anyway.

My score: 6.

Batman can only arrive at this screen from the roof.

Environment and Atmosphere

Although I liked the graphics, not everything hung together. The city felt claustrophobic rather than expansive and seeing the same hand-painted Gothic architecture over and over again eventually made it mundane. Tim Burton’s designs bleed through into the art and that is quite nice, but it’s not enough to build a cohesive atmosphere. Although a quibble, I still dislike that Batman cannot travel through the city on foot. Even when he just needs to cross the street, he has to grapple up to the roof and cross. I’m all for subtle, but it gets in the way of the city feeling real.

My score: 4.

The bat-computer gives us many details about Gotham’s citizens.

Dialog and Acting

There are two sets of dialogs in this game: that which was written for the game and that which was written for the film, but they do not hang together well. That said, the bat-computer was exceptionally well done with descriptions of major and minor (or even unseen background) characters that would update as the game progressed. It’s a strange bright spot in a weirdly uneven game.

As far as “acting” is concerned, we get some faux-video in the game which consists of characters talking to each other with one of two frames of lip-flap animation. It’s not terrible and may have been based on filming done for the movie, albeit hyper-compressed to fit on a 8-floppy game. I wonder if there had not been plans to make this into a CD-ROM game at one point, abandoned by the time or limitations in the format.

My score: 4

Final Tally

Let’s add up our scores: (3+4+4+6+4+4)/.6 = 42 points! I am going to take one away for having the fish at the beginning of the game be such a “bite the newbie” moment. That gives us a final score of 41 points. Not terrible!

With that, Reiko is our winner this time out with an on-the-money guess at the score! Alas, Mayhaym just missed it thanks to my subtracting a point because of that pesky fish. By what I assure you is a complete coincidence, this is exactly the same score as Ballyhoo, the other game I just played about criminal clowns. We’re in The Black Cauldron and Codename: Iceman territory now which makes sense. These are deeply flawed but playable games and that’s more or less how I feel about Batman Returns. The average guess was 37 so the majority of you thought I would hate it a bit more than I did.

I am very happy that I played this game, not because it was fantastic on its own but because I was able to spend so much time researching Bill Kunkle and his Subway Software. I love discovering stories like his, told by storytellers like him. I am still reading and enjoying his autobiographical tales and Borrowed Time was a nice treat even if it didn’t score all that well. This is the kind of thing that I was looking for when I volunteered to be a writer on The Adventure Gamer and I am glad to have been able to share the experience with you. Don’t be surprised if I look for some excuse to play Mr. Kunkel’s other two adventure games at some point down the road.

This game is a huge milestone for my contributions to this blog, even if I am a bit embarrassed about it: I have now passed up Trickster as writer with the most games played, even if in my case they have mostly been Missed Classics. When I volunteered to play Operation: Stealth, I had no idea that I would enjoy writing with you as much as I have come to. Thanks for being an appreciative audience.

Next up for me is Sherlock Holmes: Consulting Detective, Volume II, by another one of my favorite developers.

CAP Distribution

200 CAPs to Joe Pranevich

Blogger Award – 100 CAPs – for finally finishing the game after so long, thanks to the fish.

Classic Blogger Award – 50 CAPs – for playing on Borrowed Time

Classic Blogger Award – 50 CAPs – for playing through Ballyhoo

Will Moczarski – 80 CAPs

Classic Blogger Award – 50 CAPs – for blogging through Reality Ends for everyone’s enjoyment

Intermission Award – 20 CAPs – for blogging about all the other programs Med Systems put out in the 80s.

Psychic Prediction Award – 10 CAPs – for being the closest guesser of the final score of The Archers.

25 CAPs to ShaddamVIth

Ultra-Efficient Panel Beating Award – 5 CAPs – for noticing that we’re driving in a car that was recently wrecked in the ending

Psychic Prediction Award – 10 CAPs – for correctly guessing the final rating of Ballyhoo

Sex Ed Award – 5 CAPs – for reminding me that male lions have manes. Duh. 

A Farm Upstate Award – 5 CAPs – for trying to work out what the Archers’ pig-cow-cabbage-dog graphics are

25 CAPs to Lisa H

Pennywise Award – 5 CAPs – for reminding us that not all clowns wear white makeup

Helpful Hinting Award – 5 CAPs – for helpful hinting.

Are You High? Award – 5 CAPs – for catching my “high wire” typos 

Comparing the Incomparable – 5 CAPs – for funny bits from the hint book 

A Farm Upstate Award – 5 CAPs – for trying to work out what the Archers’ pig-cow-cabbage-dog graphics are

25 CAPs to TBD

Clueless Award – 5 CAPs – for knowing that Movie Batgirl wasn’t Barbara Gordon.

A Setting Somewhere Award – 5 CAPs – for giving advice on emulating Amiga games

Psychic Prediction Award – 10 CAPs – for figuring out Will’s Final Rating MO, thus guessing closest to Reality Ends’ rating

A Farm Upstate Award – 5 CAPs – for trying to work out what the Archers’ pig-cow-cabbage-dog graphics are

20 CAPs to Vetinari

What’s Your Story Award – 20 CAPs – for submitting What’s Your Story answers

15 CAPs to Biscuit

Appreciating Your Appreciation Award – 5 CAPs – for making me feel like the research I do is appreciated

Psychic Prediction Award – 10 CAPs – for correctly guessing the final rating of Borrowed Time

10 CAPs to Laukku

Emulation Award – 5 CAPs – for letting us know that Dosbox has just been updated, helping out those of us who play old games.

A Farm Upstate Award – 5 CAPs – for trying to work out what the Archers’ pig-cow-cabbage-dog graphics are

10 CAPs to Michael

Fettucini Brothers Award – 5 CAPs – for lists of adventure games with circuses

SOUNDS OF SILENCE AWARD – 5 UPPER CASE CAPs – FOR COMPLAINING ABOUT THE LOUDNESS OF THE TEXT IN REALITY ENDS

10 CAPs to Reiko

Psychic Prediction Award – 10 CAPs – for correctly guessing the final rating of Batman Returns

5 CAPs to ATMachine

Arrested Development Award – 5 CAPs – for telling me about the alternate ending if you arrest Shreck

5 CAPs to Rowan Lipivitz

Deep Blue Sea Award – 5 CAPs – for making a “red herring” joke about the fish

5 CAPs to Voltgloss

No Couch Potato Award – 5 CAPs – for consulting a walkthrough and showing that I did tons of optional stuff

5 CAPs to Mayhaym

Willem Dafoe Award – 5 CAPs – for connecting Max Shreck to the movie Nosferatu

5 CAPs to MorpheusKitami

Gone Fishing Award – 5 CAPs – for hinting that I missed the fish when I missed the fish

5 CAPs to Ududy

The Unexpected Virtue of Innocence Award – 5 CAPs – for pointing out that bats aren’t birds

5 CAPs to Alex Romanov

Dehydration Award – 5 CAPs – for pointing out that bat-shark-repellent was used in the 1960s film, not the series

5 CAPs to Laertes

Touch of Death Award – 5 CAPs – for providing some info about the first Batman game for the MSX

5 CAPs to Torch

Golden Ratio Award – 5 CAPs for trying to help figure out Amiga graphics aspect ratios…

5 CAPs to Kirinn

Adventure Game Studio Award – 5 CAPs – for providing another circus adventure game

5 CAPs to Anonymous

Nine Princes Award – 5 CAPs – for pointing out a similarity between Reality Ends and a fantasy novel series.

source http://reposts.ciathyza.com/batman-returns-final-rating/