#i still havent gone bc like . i think the most convenient one for me to go to is somewhere by my uni

[chanyoungies]

nd speaking of thinking abt meoweks . every now n then im like i should go to lidl w meoweks in mind

[armillary-spheres-lover]

Dismantling 9s stereotypes

Not dumb. We actually have access to the inner void more than others. "Holy crap do I exist?? Am I here??" bullshit

We smart by associating things together and viewing general trends (eg philosphical trends of thought). Can focus on specifics but thats boring man. Would rather study an entire philosophical trend than just a certain part of the theory of one philosopher. Big picture. The whole. How does this fit in the bigger context. Etc. (This is not mbti sensing. You can focus on the specifics of a certain theory and still be intuitive)

Weird capability to be instantly attuned to your own physiological and psychosomatic states but also easily able to just tune them out and ignore them (I notice my emotional reactions through this most of the time. Otherwise I dont think Id even notice them)

I actually like conflict it energizes me. But then like. Not too dramatic though. Not "we actually falling apart" conflict but more like "eh we have highs and lows" conflict. It makes the rp more real and united so I weirldy feel more UnityTM bs after/during a conflict

Maybe I just havent experienced actual heavy conflict? (Doubting your own experiences is also a nine thing. and a pain in the butt)

Going "same" all the time. Feeling kinda comforted that other people are going through the same shit as you do. Oh who doesnt you said? Well. 4s

Again, "I need to find myself again after social interactions" is just a nine thing. Why werent you yourself around others girl? You felt like the universe was pushing you into its orbit and wanted to make you part of the flux of reality? Yeah. Yeah thats the point

Idk how to tell you this but emotional masochism and self harm can be nine bullshit. I need to write an essay on how I spent so much time diving into my own inner pain on purpose and it wasnt fuxking related to 4 in any way. (Spoiler: it gave me a sense of self I didnt feel I had otherwise)

Taking showers, snuzzling in blankets, exercising, eating a bit too much/too little, not actually minding physical pain etc, all just to feel your body again bc it otherwise feels like its just evaporating all the time. Its like idk porous. Im air.

Thinking youre a 5 or a 4 bc your "actual self" its whats "inside" and felt when you "close off", while what you show to people its just "not you" or "for convenience"

I have opinions, likes and dislikes, and can assert myself. Except when its actually crucially important and I may lose a relationship w someone and feel strong emotions

Being like "Oh I care so much about you" a second before and then "I dont feel anything" as soon as the person is actually gone forever

Basically its all or nothing. Either youre part of me and my universe or youre not. Cant actually stand the separation and chaotic bit - your emotions naturally bring you to a static and still place, whether it is w x person or not

Wondering if what youre feeling is real or not. Whatever that means

Disliking strong emotions and reactions

Feeling said emotions and reactions but then they just slip away and you feel empty like nothing ever happened. Did x actually impacted me in a meaningful way? I have no way of knowing

I am sea. My reactions are just a wave after another. They may be strong now, but they wont afterwards.

Edit: adopting the bad guy aesthetics to regain a sense of power you dont feel you have most of the time. Basically being petty/bratty in dumb ways that wont actually affect your relationships

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[luvknow]

First of all thank you so much!!!! I totally agree with you though Lou Malnati's over Giordanos any day! And yes! the L has always been so convenient whenever I have gone! I just realized though I think you're the one I talked to about Jeni's and my love for salty Carmel! We have both of the bubble tea shops you mentioned near me but I'm excited to try the jasmine one!! My friend wants me to take her to the bean bc she wants to be a tourist but I agree it's nothing mind blowing 1/?

However she wants to go bc Johnny took taeyong and yuta there lol. I love the tea shops in Chicago though, I can't remember the name of my favorite though but it's German. Thank you for all the food recommendations! I'm a huge marine biology nerd so maybe I can convince my friend to go to the aquarium! The funny thing is I've been in the natural history museum before but never been around it. I had an event in the main space??? like exhibit were surrounding it but blocked off? 2/ most likely 3

Ok I'm trying to wrap this up now lol. I did a lot of the touristy things when I was younger so now whenever I go have some small spots I like. However the one touristy thing I still enjoy doing there is going to Michigan avenue bc I have memories of eating gelato with my grandma at the top of the Willis tower (I always knew it as the John Hancock tower??) and bc I'm a child that loves the lego store. also garretts!!! Again thank you so so much! 💕 who knows maybe I will bump into you?🤔 3/3

OH YES I REMEMBER YOU LOL i have yet to try it.............. i havent been to the shop in a while and i dont feel like buying the $10 jug version despite it being more ice cream per dollar LOL. hello jasmine has some cool food stuff right next to it, too! but yeah, those three boba places i mentioned are pretty much the only ones i like. joy yee plus has some good fruit tea, too! and the durian smoothie is good only sometimes tho HAHA. ugh the bean is so boring im sorry u gotta go thru that. at least it’s a good place to people watch or just walk around! i looked up the german tea shop and ive never been there before omg? ill be sure to check it out!! there’s a coffee and tea exchange in boystown/The Gay area that’s super dope! oooo i love marine biology i think it’s terrifying HAHA it’s expensive for out of chicago residents tho........... like $40 for the basic stuff ://// but i think it’s way more fun than the field museum and the planetarium. i actually hate the planetarium it’s so boring ://///////////// and the willis tower was the sears tower, not the john hancock!! two different buildings lol but they get mistaken for each other sometimes. ooooo garretts is so good! only when it’s hot tho, or in the tin can, otherwise i dont want it HAHA. ooohhhh maybe???? small chance tho, i don’t live near the touristy parts or where the concert’s gonna be at looooooool

[byunrelatable]

ok on the ask game, 5 + 19 !! this is gonna get long bear with me oof. i’ve confessed to two people, one was a boy that i was once close with but he ignored me after we broke up :”) it’s fine he’s an ass anyway. but the second person is my current gf and holy uh this is actually kinda personal so i won’t go too in depth but we can say i did it bc it was too much not to anymore (pt 1/?)

.hi kam!! i love u thanks for the asks and thanks for sharing your story!! im really glad things worked out with you and your gf, sounds like you two have truly been through thick and thin together, you must have a very strong bond. that makes my heart feel very warm, im so happy for you!!

im going to put the rest of your asks, as well as my responses to the questions, under the cut so this doesnt become a super long post. to answer 5 and 19 in short, i will say that my answer to 5. have you ever confessed your feelings to someone? is yes, and its an embarrassing story, it also involves underage drinking so anyone uncomfy with that should not look under the cut!! and my answer to 19. share a positive memory about the last person you texted, i’ll probably keep that answer pretty short but true to my word, everything is going under the cut from here on out. thank you for sharing your story kam

send me two way asks!!

here’s the rest of kam’s asks:

we didn’t date then bc things were complicated (like i said, pERSONAL) and i,,,, did it a second time with her months later,,,,, i wouldn’t have if my friends didn’t push me to do it but they did annnddd we started dating then!! and haaaaa i uh,,,, did it once more at the end of feb this year,,,,,, bc we weren’t together at the time (this is also very personal so i could tell you abt the whole thing privately if you wanted) (pt 2/?)

in short i woke up and she asked me to be her gf again sOo, lol it’s all fun. aaannnddd here we go okay i literally just texted my gf as i write this oof but i think one of the fondest memories i have is both kinda negative but i view it positively? it was around the end of january in 2016 and we had been talking for a month or so. at the time i wasn’t in the best state of mind. (pt ¾)

i don’t remember the conversation word for word, but i have recollection of crying a lot at school waiting for my exam and just realizing how much i cared abt her and her about me and i think that marks the moment we became best friends rlly and damn who would even think to get to where we are now oof not me?? (pt 4/4 i went all out i’m sorryajsndnf)

what a story!!! like i said before, im really glad it all came together in the end, and that you have such a wonderful supportive gf

5. have you ever confessed your feelings to someone? yeah okay. from seventh grade until 11th i had a huge crush on this boy in my class. he was always doing crazy cool exchange programs. in 8th grade he went to school in coasta rica for a year, we e-mailed (lmao) all the time while he was gone. he came back in 9th grade and i was so so excited to see him again. he left again in 10th grade, and that was a hard year for me. my dad and step mom (who practically raised me) were getting divorced and i was going through some weird shit with an older guy (gross. he’s gross and predatory and i didnt know better cause i was like 15/16). so i started drinking and sneaking out and partying. 

the kid i had a crush on came back in 11th grade and i was ecstatic. we picked up our friendship where we left it off. but here’s the kicker: he was (and probably still is? but probably isnt as much of a hardass about it) a devout christian, and drinking was NOT in line with his values. he had heard from his mom that i had been doing stuff like that, and he brought it up and said he was concerned. i told him i’d stop, because i was young and i had had a crush on this kid for over four years at this point, and our mutual friend kept dropping hints that he was interested, and.. sigh. so i told him i’d cut the partying and he said he had to see it. fast forward to spring, i applied and got into a program which sends students to japan for two weeks, and this kid also got in, and i was STOKED to be in japan with him for two weeks. the first week it was fun. our last night in tokyo, i wanted to spend some time alone with him, and the rest of our friends were planning to buy some sake (we were literally 16 but they did it, they didnt get carded) and drink it at the hotel, and they wanted me to distract him cause they were worried he’d rat them out, and i was so down to try that because i wanted to spend time with him anyways. so i asked if he wanted to go on an adventure–just go get on a random subway line and see where it leads. he kinda blew me off, which stung. then in an effort to get him to hang out with me, i told him what the other kids were planning (they had specifically told me not to tell him). i told him, and said “so i really think we should just go somewhere else so we dont have to be around that.” he didnt listen to me, instead he followed the rest of the group into the convenience store and they were like uhhh, then he went up to my friend hannah and was like “so you’re buying sake huh?” and she looked at me like what the fuck arianna and i looked at her like im sorry i couldnt get him to come with me and he was like whatever and then he left the convenience store and our other friend jay went with him. i assumed they went back to the hotel. so i went back as well but they werent there. when i asked someone else where they were, they said “oh, they went out into the city on a random subway line just to go on an adventure!” the literal exact thing i had suggested. i was livid. moreso, i was really hurt. so i decided to say fuck it and get drunk, cause i had been abstaining from alcohol ALL YEAR for the sake of this ONE GUY who had really played me and led me on ALL FUCKING YEAR and lowkey for the past FOUR YEARS. so i was like, whatever. so i got drunk. then jay and the guy came back from their adventure. i asked my other drunk companions if i seemed sober (bad, bad idea. they were not good judges) they all said i seemed fine, so i went to give the kid a piece of my mind. get to his room and its just him cause his roommate had been with us in the drinking room. so i say, hey i need to talk to you. the first thing he asks is if i had drank, and i said no, like a liar with a big fat crush. then we sit down on opposite beds, and i told him i was really hurt that he rejected my offer to go on an adventure and immediately did the same thing with jay. he gave me a bs excuse like “it was kinda spontaneous” and i was like, thats bullshit. then i poured out my heart, about crushing on him for the last four years, about being a good friend when he dated hannahkate in seventh grade, about always waiting for him to come back, about working so hard to stop drinking just to be the person he wanted me to be. and i told him i loved him.

his response? “thank you for telling me.” and it shattered my heart.

when he walked me to the door of his room, he said “by the way. you were slurring the whole time, and your breath smells like alcohol. i knew you had drank from the start.” needless to say, THAT was embarrassing.

i go back to the room, drink more, eventually everyone leaves and its me and hannah. i tell her what happened, freak out a bit, cry.

the next day we woke up kinda early and went to this man-made island place i dont remember the name of, and we spent the day there. i was really quiet and reserved all day (not like me, then or now). i did not eat. when we got back to the hotel that night, hannah gave me a melon bread, and i said i wasnt hungry. she said “you havent eaten all day. if you dont eat this right now, im going to take your phone, delete [kid’s name] from all your contacts, delete every picture or video you have on your phone, erase him from your life. do you want that?” to which i said, no. and i ate the bread. it was tough love and i needed it. i was a little better the next day.

a few days later in kyoto the kid and i talked on a rooftop at sunset. i felt a little better after that. it was hard going through all of that, after four years of pining for him, but.. it was good. it was closure. i laid my cards on the table, i finally told him how i felt, and he rejected me. and it hurt, but there was nothing left to say, and it finally closed that door that had been slightly ajar for four years. and i was able to move on after that, fairly quickly actually. jumping back into partying cause i didnt have someone to impress kind of helped. well, it also kind of spun my life off in a horrible direction that led to a horrible depressing senior year of high school, but thats another story.

yeesh, that was long. on to the next one!!

19. share a positive memory about the last person you texted the most recent person i texted is my friend named nico. the first memory that comes to mind is last summer, we used to hang out a lot, one night we went to this 24 hour diner called beth’s cafe that we both love. we went at like 4 am and it was so so so fun. afterwards we watched emperors new groove in his bed and then passed out. i love nico so much. we used to be a lot closer in the summer, but at the end of summer i fucked up and we had a falling out. we still are friends and we still talk (i.e. we texted today planning to hang out this week) but.. its not the same. and i really miss the way things were before. golly isnt that bittersweet. now im a lil sad. but thats okay

thank you to anyone who read all that garbage uidsgfihjs

[dearhummingbird]

ETHICAL SHOPPING UPDATE(wrote number 3 in isolation of the rest, dont mind the tonal difference btw it and the first two points lol)

1) after forever i am FINALLY receiving the skincare i bought frm the herb-based brand i previously spoke about, which is called Fat and the Moon btw, for anyone who’s interested! i will be getting them in two days. it took a month for them to ship it to the warehouse(in the states which is then sent to me in my country) bc of covid. i then had to wait for money to come in to pay for it to get here but hey! it’s coming! and im honestly just hoping everything intact because that package has gone through quite abit of a ride! i will update yall on how i feel abt them :)

2) UNDIES AND COOCH TALK: the undies from Parade came(awhile ago lol)! they are extremely cute and i feel extremely sexy in them. i purchased three high rise cheekys and one high rise thong - i definitely prefer the cheekys more but they still give me a wedgie! and the surface area of the pantie where your chooch should be is pretty small, which isnt great because folks like me need to wear a liner on most days. so, really, i cant wear them unless i KNOW im not going to have any discharge(which is rare but happens) or if i know im going to meet someone. but hey still worth it tbh? i think panties are often either too drab or lacey looking, these are more sporty, graphic and modern. if anyone has questions, please ask!! i would love to talk abt this because i am still on the hunt for panties that i can wear on the daily. Parade has boyshort ones, but i find those to be really, like, not breathable.

3) help :( i desperately need jeans but remember my oath to only buy from ethical brands? i am (present tense) ogling this hot pair from a brand called Weekday, highly raved about by Lizzy Hadfield whose style i really adore, but i know that she doesnt shop ethical. i willfully pushed the thought aside for abit but eventually googled and discovered(though i think i knew this from before because i had googled another similar brand shes mentioned before) that Weekday is owned by H&M. alot of “ethical shoppers” on Youtube shop at places like Weekday, & Other Stories(also owned by H&M), Los Angeles Apparel(the revamped American Apparel, owned by the dude whos been accused several times of sexual assault and has a very similar style to the brand im gna mention next), Aritzia(very clearly not a slow fashion brand, they have 928482 products and conveniently sells a trendy looking mix of “I’m a Plant Mom who shops at Reformation” + popular streetwear). LAA is LA-based, Aritiza is Vancouver-based, put what i previously said aside; from what i can see a large majority of their clothes are overpriced for their material + these brands make me wonder, what if theyve somehow just, nailed a way to get cheap material ethically made? both their sites show p lengthy mission statements with backing evidence fr their ecological/social approaches.

ok, forget abt LAA and Aritzia. Weekday and & Other Stories are owned by h&m, one of the biggest fast fashion giants, no???? am i crazy. i would think that even without research that this is p common knowledge. h&m is like f21 and cotton on and zara. im being snobby for thinking maybe the Youtubers havent done their research. but i would think it kind of immediately takes these brands of the list once you know theyre owned by h&m. that sounds reductive but feels true?? i dont want to be crazy because even i barely know about all this ecological stuff - i still havent shopped since i made my last post about this, ive only just started considering actually buying an item(the jeans). ive only done the bare minimum of googling to find out more abt the brand. AHHHH.

but those are the least of my problems. i really need jeans, ALL the ones i own are ruined bc they either have compromising holes in them or are stained by chemicals from being in the darkroom. i know theyre of fantastic quality and are within my budget. i only ever wear jeans when im out, ask anyone! gah!!!! i need to do more research, but..... wow do i also really just want to get them. really really do. i dont know what im gna do when i do find out that they are, in fact, not ethically made. :(

ok, did not think i had so much to say about this again, but here we are!! thank you again if you read all of it <3

i have so many updates! i will go through them throughout the week but here’s one

i have decided to redo my entire wardrobe. ive been thinking about it since before covid so this is not just because i have a huge window of time to do fuck all: i RARELY shop for clothes, maybe each xmas i buy myself one new outfit to go visiting in. the last time i bought panties was when i was 16(i’m 21 this year)! call it gross but it’s a little hard to ask my single parent dad to bring me undie shopping. my clothes are completely outdated in that they’re not me anymore, they’re all very cheap and flimsy in quality and i want to change that. so along with this wardrobe revamp ive decided to only buy ethically-made clothing from sustainable brands. now, i’m going to make a confession. i have done 0, zilch research on this; i know nothing about trends or environmental sustainability or even much about fast fashion in the industry. why i’m making this choice is because 

a) im going to call this ‘financial experience’. i want to WANT to earn money. i want to WANT to work so i can buy things i want. i think for the first time in my life i have actual hobbies and things that i want to take seriously! no more blowing everything on sad-drinking with my bestfriends; i am not in that space anymore. this quote from Toni Morrison’s Sula describes 18/19/20year-old me: “In a way, her strangeness, her naivete, her craving for the other half of her equation was the consequence of an idle imagination. Had she paints, or clay, or knew the discipline of the dance, or strings; had she anything to engage her tremendous curiosity and her gift for metaphor, she might have exchanged the restlessness and preoccupation with whim for an activity that provided her with all she yearned for. And like any artist with no art form, she became dangerous.“

i want to invest in long-term life cycles, i want to learn patience and quality. im sure this has something to do with turning 21 but this is also something i want. 

b) my style, as i’ve realised, happens to be secondhand/vintage/non-fast fashion leaning! i LOVE secondhand culture. knowing my clothes had a life before me makes me happy. im known to be very frugal and my bestfriend is convinced that it’s for the worst. while i disagree i do think it’s time to start being more lenient but not reckless or haphazard with my finances. 

back to the me not knowing anything about the ecological climate of the fashion industry, for some obscure reason i kind of refuse to be like i’m doing this for the planet! im ethical! im sustainable! how i see it is i want to do this thing and these happen to be the benefits of it. i think i will slowly grow into it and accept that ive become “one of THOSE” kinds of people because i do want to do my research but will definitely never be loud about it, that’s not me. call me evil! i dont know. anyway

i also made a huge huge purchase from this herb-based skincare brand and their customer service is so so lovely, if there is ever a bad review or a customer has had a bad experience with a product they quickly email the customer with a homemade natural solution that usually fixes it in a jiffy. they have quite a few range of products, so i got their aloe lotion to replace my daily moisturiser and also got one of my friends a smaller tub of it bc shes the one who introduced me to aloe and loves it for her sunburns, got me deodorant cream because my pits are super! sensitive! i know they hate the chemicals of regular deo and im crossing my fingers that this will be my solution. i bought their multi-use highlight/eyeshadow in an opal shade and got the same one in gold for the same friend, who’s got a deep brown skintone. i got a tinted lip balm for another friend who i love very dearly, we dont chat super often and i missed her birthday in April so i wanted to get her something. she also had sent over ben and jerrys to me during quarantine bc i was at the tail end of my semester and hated it, it was so sweet, no one’s ever done something like that for me before. i got two other products for my kooch and a toner spray for my face. very excited!

i decided that how im going to carry out this project is first by taking care of the basics. staples/essentials in my closet that need to be of top notch quality so that theyll last through the years. those are the ones that i will buy brand new. if i happen to like a certain fast fashion piece(i love wrap tops!) i will look for them secondhand. i will do the same for quirkier, more nuanced pieces, unless i want something very specific that i see on a site(because my country has little to zero sustainable options). i have multiple boards on my pinterest now, groups of items and brands that i want to buy from and invest in. 

i also got new panties(!) from a brand that uses recycled material and donates 1% of their profits to planned parenthood.

im sure that not 100% of the brands im buying from are 100% ethical and sustainable but they will at least be making big strides to be.

if you read all of this thank you! big hugs and love

[scoobydoozombieisland1998]

wjsn for newbies here we go

BACKSTORY so cosmic girls/wjsn is made up of four units (wonder, joy, sweet, and natural) and is the baby sister girl group to sistar and monsta x. they are WILDLY gay and chaotic (have been coined the Chaos Family by yours truly). their concept is that they are from space and thats it thats the concept so space is gay. theyve had two comebacks and had a member in ioi and a member who participated in girl spirit

the official lines (dance, vocal, subvocal) dont do them justice so ill divide them up myself

parent line: seola, xuan yi, bona, exy

maknae line: yeoreum, dayoung, yeonjung

gay line: xuan yi, exy, luda, eunseo, yeoreum

trouble line: luda, eunseo, mei qi, dayoung

we’ll start with members by age:

seola (hyunjung):

oldest (94 line, 22), represents sagittarius

sweet unit member, vocal line

grandpa seola, technically part of parent line but is wildly unhelpful

going to marry soobin so that she can annoy her for the rest of her life

loves hip hop

is bad at hip hop

Let Seola Say Fuck

xuan yi:

95 line, 22, aquarius

joy unit member 

oldest member of china line, dance line

parent line, Big Gay, married to bona, mei qi is her favorite child

weirdo, talents include imitating a bunny and fish

1 out of the 2 members that are capable of ridding the dorm of bugs (out of….. 13), doesnt kill them just lets them outside, uses her barehands (???what the fuck xuan yi)

shes the real Mom of wjsn even when the other ¾ of parent line were with half the group they all struggled and she was just paying for food and getting kisses on the cheek in exchange for buying souvenirs for the younger girls

bona (jiyeon): 

95 line, 21, leo

wonder unit, dance line

in the parent line partnered with xuan yi whom she loves, loves attention, luda is her favorite child

quite possibly the most beautiful girl in the world she is jaw dropping gorgeous

not very good at being in parent line, eunseo nags her so its not unlikely that shes pretty irresponsible

exy (sojung): 

called sexy exy…… is very bad at her job

big awkward tired lesbian uncle whos supposed to be the badass and just wants to wear pink and sparkles and ruffles

has a stuffed snake called exy-snake 

shes the main (only) rapper and leader of wjsn

sweet unit, scorpio, 95 line, 21

partnered with seola in parent line, gets no help from her

is so tired

cant cook, cant get control of her members, cant kill bugs, is the gay who buys all the ikea furniture and cant build it 

“we’ve been working for a while lets take a break” “unnie its been ten minutes” *lies down on the ground*

gets kicked out of the kitchen for being annoying while the younger girls are working

favors dayoung and eunseo

and that is parent line

soobin:

sole member of 96 line, 20, virgo

vocal line, sweet unit

is gonna divorce seola because shes so annoying

second smallest (shes like 5′1″ or something)

tiny angel baby who screams

luda: 

97 line, 19, pisces

technically vocal line but doesnt get the lines she deserves

THE smallest baby even shorter than soobin

tiny gay demon just loves girls and will probably knock a boy out soon with her tiny hands

talented girl scout (was the only one who could chop wood during their reality show and even that was questionable)

frodo baggins

dawon:

97 line, 19, aries

natural unit, vocal line, POWER vocal, did pretty well on girl spirit when she was on

referred to as Hot Body Dawon

might have no flaws at all

is pretty sure she raised yeonjung

used to be called the Straightie, resented that, has stepped up her Gay Game

bitchin english speaker and one of the best korean members at recording in chinese

loves luda

eunseo (juyeon): 

98 line, 18, gemini

joy unit, technically just a sub vocal but i consider her a part of dance line

really shes the Head Gay

shes also not a part of parent line bc shes too loud and unpredictable but she cooks and kills bugs and nags bona constantly 

if something is Up its probably bc of her luda and dayoung

LOUD

fucking weirdo gets crazy with karaoke

wants a girl crush concept or a strong concept, kills it when a boy group song is on

just super fucking gay 

cheng xiao:

98 line, cancer, 18

1/3 china line, wonder unit, dance line

crazy flips and tumbling and shit 

can do the splits so far that her legs go Over her hips??? what the fuck

has gotten really popular lately in both korea and china but really wants to get popular with wjsn

not the Biggest gay but wildly in love with eunseo 

big soft baby

mei qi: 

98 line, libra, 18

last member of china line, natural unit, dance line

has been p much MIA for all of the i wish promotions working in china filming movies and tv shows and such and i MISS HER and her members miss her but shes doing so well and im so proud of her

is a libra so……..

totally loves the fact that xuan yi thinks shes a golden child

got bumped from vocal line where she used to be bc shes a great dancer but that means she doesnt get the lines she deserves and she has a Beautiful voice and its on par with seolas at least

yeoreum (jinsook):

99 line, 18, capricorn

joy unit, i think shes a sub vocalist (?) 

big weird gay baby who learns from eunseo

her talent is an impression of cleaning camera lenses

kind of a sub rapper, has rapped on b-tracks before

keeps calling herself the maknae. is not the maknae

dayoung: 

99 line, 17, taurus

wonder unit, vocal line

loudest member by far and just so Much

varitey queen of the group, the funniest member up there with eunseo

second Mom-Not-Mom of the group like eunseo bc she can cook and wakes the other members up but cant be part of the parent line bc shes a literal infant and also has the hyperactivity of a chicken on cocaine

yeonjung: 

99 line, 17, leo (represents that weird thirteenth sign ophiuchus)

so backstory time she was originally supposed to debut with the girls but got put on produce 101 about the same time they debuted so they just. didnt put her in the group

fast forward and she makes it into ioi cause shes crazy talented

she wants to leave starship and is just Upset in general but the girls b e g her to stay and just join wjsn instead

she does and becomes the new maknae and power vocal along side dawon 

since their concept is astrology they used the convenient thirteenth sign to represent her 

shes in the natural unit and vocal line 

all the girls love and adore her and supported her ioi promotions and concerts 

shes Loud but shes more of a follower as in she laughs at whatever dayoung does and goes along with her shenanigans 

popular ships:

bona/xuan yi: jeongcheol if they were healthy but still played games

eunseo/cheng xiao: just the most pure thing in the whole world and eunseo is so embarrassing 

eunseo/luda: tall gay small gay

eunseo/most of them

soobin/seola: scully mulder couple, seola is going to marry soobin so that she can annoy her for the rest of her life. soobin is going to die

OK SO those are the lovely wonderful members of wjsn so lets go on to videos and such:

they debuted with momomo (and also catch me) in february of 2016

they had an august comeback when yeonjung joined with secret

they had their second comeback with i wish in january of 2017 (performance version)

they havent gotten their first win yet :( BUT theyve promised when they do theyre gonna dance in space suits so lets get them that win

also between momomo and secret half of them did a collab with monsta x for a phone commercial i believe called do better which also has a dance practice

dawon was on girl spirit and performed yanghwa bridge, way to go, music is my life, and youre the best (with yeonjung real love and friendship)

theyve been on weekly idol twice

last summer they had a reality show called would you like girls (i would) and it was wonderful. im rewatchign that with emma soon and since i probably wont cry the whole time bc i love them so much ill chronicle it more closely and they have the uzzu tapes which are sort of a mini reality show for them that theyve had since debut which are super cute

they also have two versions of dance practices for every title track they have, one regular one and one closeup version which is a gift

the momomo dance practice is one of the most queer and iconic things theyve ever done along with its closeup version 

in the secret dance practice they have matching outfits and its really just an Experience (closeup)

i wish has three dance practices bc they shot and uploaded one while mei qi was gone but during one of her trips back they shot a Real one along with a closeup one 

there was also a robot self cam that saved my life

if youre one of those seventeen stans who DOESNT stan wjsn but talks about how synchronized 17 are you need to watch the dance practices right now 

im currently working on lists of best live performances (one list for each title track) and best b-tracks of wjsn so keep an eye out for those 

hit me up for any other questions u have abt my Girls or u can just look up wjsn on my blog and have a grand old time with that 

enjoy your time with the gay witch coven from outer space

[matsunjun]

HELLO So I haven't updated in so long bc well been crazy busy during and after AX. But let’s spare all the details on that one, and just go straight to the most recent crazy adventure I had.

It was a Tuesday afternoon when I arrived to work at the Westminster branch. I was scheduled to work there from 12:15pm to 9:15pm. Not the best shift at a not so best location, but I learned to deal. As soon as I got there, office was not going well--Loopy (I now call LG that bc she’s loopy), had barely started diamond testing, when manager, LMD, was looking for the register. Loopy had forgotten to take it out, probably bc she was busy training new girl, so I brought it out for her. Then it clicked--this means she hasn’t counted Buy Gold Cash/Check or the registers. So, I did that for her. Next, I went through the emails and saw there was a transfer request from Home Office, so I got started on that. I found all 9 items and already started the whole transfer, when LMD got a call from DM, Mr. J. He was asking for me to go help out another branch in San Clemente. I have no idea where tf that was, and thinking it was nearby, I went ahead and said okay. 

Anxiety started to creep up on me as I asked LMD how far it was. She told me that she was told it was only 30min, and I was like oh ok, that’s basically how far I drive to this branch. But as I mapped it...it was.....30min by freeway...by local streets, it was about an hour and a half. INSTANT REGRET AND PANIC. LMD knows I don’t take the freeway, and so she told me to make sure to charge for mileage. I cry. So as soon as new girl returned from lunch, I took off. I set it on my GPS and began the travel there. It was local streets, so it was well and good UNTIL...WHERE TF DID THE CITY GO?

like NOOOO THIS IS A NOOOO BAD IDEAAA. The whole time I was panicking to WS, and joking for him to just come pick me up at work (and he actually said ofc, what time u get off?). And he said he’d pick me up, Uber to his car, then go home--which was ridiculous so I told him no and that I was kidding. The drive there was long and I was freaking out so it made me extra tired.

I finally got to the branch, and met 2 Sales people. They had no office and immediately showed me a receipt they printed---in landscape. They managed to fix it after several tries, and I saw the bundle of receipts lol. I tossed it bc they didn't need it. I went to my break shortly after I got there bc well---I was technically working since noon, and it was around 3:30 when I arrived there. After break, I did my best as an office person to get them all caught up on paperwork, emails, etc. Apparently they've only been open for 3.5 weeks, but their manager was on vacation and their office manager was on an 8 day vacation, too. I was like uh who tf would do that to a brand new store? it makes no damn sense. Anyways, at the end of the night, we were packing up and the salesperson I closed with, PGS, told me I packed the stuff better than others who have come to help out--even managers and district managers. That gave me a bit of an ego boost lol. :>

Anyways, on the way home was when shit hit the fan lmao. It was a long way home....in the dark. boiiiii BOIIII. I was so fucking terrified. I was at the highway, a lone car going 60-66mph on a winding road. Like I recorded that shieeet

NOOO MAN U SEE THAT? The furthest ive driven was 26min local street. THIS WAS A HUGE JUMP AND WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE. In the video I was actually whimpering but hahaha. And ANNND, my music turned off and my gas light went on at this time, which FREAKED ME OUT EVEN MORE. Because I don't know where I am, I don’t know when I get back to fucking civilization and get to a gas station. What if I ran out of gas right there??

My fear/anxiety got so bad that I start to feel my body get paralyzed. My hands started feeling numb and started locking, so did my legs and my stomach area. WHICH MADE ME FREAK OUT MORE bc how can I drive like that! I drove faster hoping to get out of nowhere and hit a city. Once I start seeing other cars and little places, I immediately put a stop on my GPS for a gas station. I was legit crying at this point, hyperventilating, even. I made it to a gas station--one other car, no convenience store/people (which also scared me), so I had to pay in card. $30 gone for a full tank. As soon as I got in the car I just rested and called WS bc I was too scared and I don't have music as bg noise. He stayed with me til I got home. ;__; Which was at around 10:14pm (I left work at 8:30pm).

never aGAIN MANNNN NEVER

AND I STILL HAVENT GOTTEN THE STARTING HOURLY PAY I ASKED FOR HMPH

Today (well yesterday), Mr. R said Mr. J was telling him that he commends me for my hard work and for helping out at Westminster and I guess San Clemente, BUT WHERE IS THE PAY RAISE.

ALL THESE MANAGERS FROM ALL THESE LOCATIONS BE PRAISING ME AND SHIT BUT I AINT GOT NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT

/SIGH

IM TIRED

[celestialcharlotte-blog]

i have a few words

its been a while since ive been here. not bc i dont have things to scream about (namely how amazing my gf is bc she is and i often have emotions about that) but ive just havent got the energy to put things into words lately. mostly today i wanted to talk about the actual topic of being gay. being a lesbian if you will. ive struggled with this idea for... years probably, i just didnt know i was struggling at the start. ive been following a lot of wlw positivity blogs recently and a lot have said that its normal to feel like being a lesbian is a bad thing because thats what out society has made us believe theough the media. as well as a feeling of self doubt when it comes to actually accepting the fact that you like girls. and both of those topics have been really on my mind because thats exactly what ive been struggling with lately. i remember in like grade 7 thinking that the act of romantically liking a girl was The Worst thing a girl could do. nothing could top it. ive always felt inferior to others my age because i dont pay attention to current trends and media and often sounded stupid in what i thought was cool. this was one of the things i thought i would made fun of for. and for a 12 year old, that can be damaging. even today i have an extremely hard time using the word lesbian to describe myself, even though it is the most accurate. fast forward through highschool and i had my obligatory string of boyfriends... who mysteriously i was never too broken up about leaving (whether my doing or not). i feel like ive always dated guys trying to have that romantic feeling that ive always read in books but never achieving it. ive always gone for guys that werent conventionally attractive because i legit did not care what they looked like as long as i could talk to them. i felt like that as long as we had something to talk about, the relationship would be a success. oh boy was i wrong. even though we always had something to talk about, it never went further than that. like grade 10 boyfriend helped with practicing how to kiss n shit but other than that? useless. especially once he decided my interests didnt matter anymore and i was just convenient to talk at. looking back on it now, i was trying too hard to replicate the scenes from fan fic, books and movies. none of which showed any wlw representation. i never even considered the fact that i might like girls after that one recess back in grade 7. it wasnt until grade 10 (between bf 2 and 3) that i even considered girls. for the longest time i thought i was ace or atleast demi because i couldnt imagine myself ever having sex with anyone. but really? i could never imagine mtself having sex with a guy. it wasnt until i thought about doing it with girls that it hit me. (im sorry theres is no linear path to this im just getting my words out) today, i have this little voice in my head saying "youre not really gay, you just want attention and to be a part of a community". i know its wrong, because ive never been this happy in my life, and its because im in a relationship with my best friend, a girl. and that ive never felt this loved and complete when dating a guy. and ive never felt like doing anything past a quick kiss with a guy, and i still dont know how real that was. this is the first time ive been dating someone and not felt like i was lying to them, or not being fully honest with how i felt. whenever ive dated a guy i was always scared of pushing too much to be comfortable with them (regardless of hlw clingy they got and how much i didnt want them touching me). i never wanted anyone to know what i did with them. that was top secret claasified shit, even though they didnt seem to think so. with my girlfriend i feel so safe and comfortable. on more than one occasion ive had the thought "i want to go home" while standing in my own house because she isn't there with me. i feel ok saying when something makes me uncomfortable (in a mentality sense like qith how far i want to go, and in a "ur laying on my arm pls get off me" sense). she is my best friend. we have our jokes and we tease each other. i flirt with her knowing i am being 100% truthful and not forcing anything i say. i flirt with her without even knowing i was doing it (refer to previous posts on this topic). we started dating without "help" from mutual friends, and that makes me feel really good because she definitely didnt start dating me because someone else convinced her. im comfortable texting her and starting a conversation with her, and im not scared that she'll judge me for sounding stupid. i know she loves me. and i know she has my back through all the shit my brain goes through. i know she doesnt secretly hate me because of when she voluntarily says she misses me and wants to be with me. i know she likes me because she gets flustered whenever i compliment her. i know all these things and yet i still question myself. i still ask "are you really gay? are you sure youre just not desperate to be a part of something?" i shouldnt doubt it because i know all thses things that prove that im not. you dont get butterflies in your stomach when a girl smiles at you because ur straight. figuring this shit out was hard enough, but accepting it is the hardest thing ive ever done.

[irregodless]

so i just finished virtues last reward and im kinda angry because now life is strange kinda makes sense

DISCLAIMER: so its been like.... what.... two or three years since i even watched someone play it? im going off of what i remember which means POSSIBLY i didnt remember an explanation or didnt pay proper attention to it, so be warned

DISCLAIMERx2 COMBO!!!: this is probably some old ass news but even in the height of its popularity i kinda came into the story late and even then i wasnt crazy about it. it was good. i really enjoyed it. but it was easier for me to kind of passively mock it for having bullshitty trumped up time logic. the reason for this AND FOR MY FIRST DISCLAIMER MOSTLY is because the game doesnt really explain it to you or why anythings happening. which is fair i guess. max isnt really a time travel geek or a scientist and short of having mr “time guardian” come out and exposition dump there wasnt much to do. maybe if warren was our protag he wouldve figured it out but i cant really blame max for NOT. especially since it was reality for her. to us we can examine it objectively and understand the rules governing it as we observe the limitations. i mean for all she knew she couldve gone back in time three times and it be over and she could never do it again ever

for my explanation ill be referencing 999 and its sequel zero escape virtue’s last reward as well as homestuck (because for all intents and purposes it makes intelligent use of time travel and with colloquialisms that make it sort of easier to digest than just abstract names.) naturally some spoilers may apply to all three as well as life is strange (obviously)

if you boil the story of life is strange to its most core element, itll start to make sense. life is strange in its simplest form is this: “max caulfield solves a murder/kidnapping mystery.” everything else that happens is just kind of extra or a direct component to that outcome.

i would often complain about how max could get mr jefferson arrested and save kate with her time travelly powers but not chloe when she couldnt have done anything about those things without her power either. i was under the assumption that her abilities were an anomaly and the universe was trying to fix itself by voiding out her effects on the timeline (ie saving chloe). but in retrospect thats kind of really dumb!! why make a story where the protagonist can travel through time but then have the story ultimately be about the universe trying to make it so that everything was the same as before??? it’s silly!! so heres the thing: it was not about that. it was about max getting the information she needed to ultimately solve the mystery (and save kate i guess. im not sure how contingent her survival was to the timeline being “alpha” but if you want to say God or the Sentient Timespace Universe [”Skaia”] were in control of the outcomes and thus dictating maxs actions mayb u could say They wanted to reward kate for being such a devout follower??? maybe her life or death was ultimately inconsequential to the outcome and it couldve gone on with or without her and max was just a good person and saved her. its hard to tell.)

in homestuck there are doomed timelines. timelines wherein something goes wrong that was NOT preordained by skaia (the self-aware universe, essentially, trying to maintain homeostasis in itself) or that directly cause a paradox. one example is davesprite. an action that causes a doomed timeline is john getting himself killed (with a little help from terezi) which leads to a strand where rose and dave are stranded in their game for months. dave then goes back along the timeline to the point that determined whether or not it became doomed. although incidentally, it was the act of him going back in time to stop john from killing himself that splintered the timeline between doomed and alpha (the right one)

thus the doomed timeline was necessary for the alpha timeline to be sustained. and thereafter it ceased to be. in other doomed timelines it either disappears entirely as with davesprites timeline, or everyone just DIES like in the one where vriska and gamzee collectively get everyone killed. it’s the price u pay for not playing the part the universe wrote for u

so in order for max to go along her story to figure out mr jefferson was.... who he was, she had to slip through doomed timelines. timelines that ultimately purged themselves if they went on too long by the means of the big storm. something similar happens in 999 where a certain character gets sick if the story goes in a direction that would lead to a paradox and cause them to not have existed. and if the timeline becomes too far gone, they vanish entirely. this is basically the role of the storm. its not to eradicate the stuff max had done with her powers because she “shouldnt have had them” but because that timeline shouldnt have BEEN to begin with! max was SUPPOSED to have her powers. whether it was all morphogenetic fieldy sciencey reasoning or if “skaia” gave them to her to solve this case, who knows, but its not really all that important.

i could probably explain some of this more easily by using the name of paradoxes, but i forgot most of the official names for them and my computers being kinda silly so i dont feel like taking the time to look them up srry

anyway

max alters the timeline by stopping chloe from dying. they then go on this great big adventure where chole is the ONLY person who could have possibly helped max unravel the mysteries. which i think is fair to say she was the ONLY person to be capable of it bc of her stepdad and her rebellious attitude!

so the two go on adventures and discover what i figured out within the first five minutes of story: MR JEFFERSONS A HORRIBLE PERSON

and chloe dies a bunch along the way because while shes needed to solve the mystery, shes STILL doomed. its like in final destination. you can run from death and avoid a few attempts on your life for a WHILE, but youre still slated for death and gonna die eventually. im not sure it was the universe trying to clear her out like an antibody so much as it was... she was just more susceptible to danger. it also could have been to make maxs powers stronger. the 999 series puts an emphasis on the psychic-y powers being strengthened and honed through LIFE THREATENING SCENARIOS

now in both 999 and vlr (i havent referenced the latter nearly as much as i thought i would!) the events of the games essentially unfold because certain characters figure out that... well... thats what happens!!! so they recreate the event so that it DOES happen so that they CAN have these abilities. they hone their abilities to see and interact through time so that they can avoid MAJOR DISASTERS and fix them, all the way establishing the very parameters that allow them to do so in the first place!

so small summary:

max gets the power to swap out her consciousness from a certain place on the timeline. she does so to save chloe (as a good person and for sentimental purposes) chloe proves to be the key to discovering the mystery behind the shady shit going down at the school she was still ultimately supposed to die though so she dies a bunch along the way because thats just what she does best by working alone doomed timelines where chloe is the only one who can help unearth the mysteries (and to be fair she deserved to be there too since it DID involve her ex-girlfriend) max finally discovers mr jefferson is basically straight up evil and can go back and use the information from her travels to bring him to justice chloes still supposed 2 die tho so shes either wiped out with the timeline by means of the storm that fucks up everyone elses life or she dies unceremoniously in the bathroom because one way or another: SHE WILL DIE max then uses the information to expose jefferson. its kinda weird but i guess paradoxically makes sense that the alpha timeline dictated that for life to progress properly, max had to just MAGICALLY know it was him. (maybe it meant to import me into the game so i couldve called him out as soon as i saw him. or maybe it was only one option. like kate living or not. max can expose him and save the day OR it can go on and be terrible. but that one doesnt have any justice in it so.....) kate lives and thats important? maybe?

basically it was not about trying to undo maxs “rulebreaking” powers

but it was about ENABLING them to do the job the universe/”skaia” (not that life is strange even.... HAS a skaia, but its easy for terminology) had planned for her. which was to fuck over jefferson HARD

the only problem is that to my memory the game never explains this is whats happening. and so when chloe dies youre like “wow nothing mattered.” but the game was never about saving chloe. it was always only ever about solving a kidnapping/murder mystery

it was ALWAYS about that

chloe was never going to stay alive. ever. the final choice was whether or not to return to the alpha timeline or not stay with her as an act of love and get wiped out along with the timeline

but the game doesnt explain this. or how the time travel powers came about or how they work or what they are AT ALL (from what i remember) so it all just seems convoluted and bullshitty

but in reality there IS something driving it. it only took me playing two other games to actually understand what that was.

which is why im not sure i can actually give the writers credit for it because i dont even know if THEY knew what was up or if they just made it up and it was just convenience i was able to apply meaning to it

the fact they (again as i remember) didnt address it in the game makes it really suspect though! and it makes it hard to support them as having done something intelligent. especially when it ended up with tons of players feeling cheated because it fell in line with popular “the illuion of choice telltale style” game lines. so when the final moment came it confused them because nothing informed them that it was ALWAYS a quest of futility and despite maxs emotions or feelings about it, it was never about saving chloe. she was only a tool to achieve the goal of outting jefferson

which i cant say i totally approve of from a general point of view! especially in light of “bury your gays.” but from a time travel-esque mechanic point of view.... yeah it makes sense....

but it doesnt really leave a good feeling. because max and by proxy the player were always under the misunderstanding they could save chloe when in reality they never could.

and the entire game was just. a quest of futility. (in that regard)

but we didnt know. to make it proper, the game shouldve let us into the secret. even if max didnt know and felt cheated at the end, the audience wouldnt feel the same. itd be dramatic irony. wed feel bad but wed know why it had to happen.

anyway, as the Old Woman says in virtues last reward:

“Death was always inevitable.“