#i still don't know if it is body dysmorphia or i am just ugly

[3liza]

I'm trying to figure out how to communicate instructions to other people about how I almost completely escaped my crippling adolescent body dysmorphia and anorexia but the thing is I don't really know how it happened. it was like one day I woke up and didn't care that much.

i still had all the central psychological dysfunctions but it was like I had decided to ignore them because I had finally internalized that I was acting crazy and acting crazy, unlike being crazy, is a choice. unless you're experiencing psychosis or delusions. and the body dysmorphia is a form of delusion certainly but it's a form you can still sample against reality and see that it's not matching up. you can't do this with actual hallucinations but you can do it with stuff like obsessive thoughts about how ugly you are and how everyone hates you and how ugly people have no value etc etc. that kind of stuff is observably false and integrating constant reality checking into your obsession loops will derail a lot of the delusional obsession. your brain will fight back with arguments like "it's fine for her to be ugly because of magical reason I made up but it's not fine for me because of another magical reason I made up" but these arguments can also be quickly reality checked into irrelevance even if you still *feel* they are true. you may FEEL that the obsessive delusions are true but you can, to a certain extent, make a decision to KNOW and more importantly to ACT as if they are not.

so the new thought loop could go something like: "I'm so fucking ugly. so what if I'm 'ugly'. it doesn't seem to matter when I look around and reality check my level of ugliness to the success and affection people uglier than I am seem to experience. there just be something else wrong with me. but that doesn't make sense because actually a lot of people do like me and care about me. i have proof of that in the form of messages and memories. I'm so fucking ugly. but I'm looking closely at this unfiltered Getty image in incredibly high resolution of a celebrity on the red carpet. and she has terrible skin. her skin looks just as bad as mine does in the brightly lit bathroom mirror because there are no filters on this brightly lit professional journalist's photograph. that's really interesting. i bet I can see the same level of ugliness in everyone else that I see in the mirror if I really look"

i don't think you can fix yourself to be not crazy. i don't think that's a thing that happens. i think most therapists are useless or MLM subscribers who want to try out their latest hype word MLM technique on your because they paid $3000 to be "certified" in Hidden Dream Cousin Interrogation Biodynamics, which will test 2% better than jingling keys in front of the control group in two papers on PubMed until crumbling to replication crisis in three years.

i think what you can actually do is add additional systems checks to deal with how fucking crazy you are and always will be until you stop being able to fuck up as much with it. like an airlock system basically. i think good therapists are able to show people how to do this and maybe get them meds that tamp down some of the nasty things the craziness constantly causes to happen. but they're so rare I've never actually met one lmao

[gorgeouslypink]

my beloved pink, i am always so grateful for you and i have the best news ever!! i entered the void last night. i used the revision meditation you linked in that one ask and after it, i just knew i was going to wake up in the void and i did.

honestly this next part is a bit personal for me and ik some people are going to get mad but you're the only person who I can tell because in my new reality, I never experienced it. so i am Indian and the rest of my family is very fair skinned and even when they tan, their darkest is like an olive skintone. but i am very dark-skinned, like extremely. so ive been called ugly and dark since birth by my family. I go to a Korean dominated school and they are just like Indians, they value lighter skin so I underwent a lot of bullying for my dark skin there too. I've been told many times that I'd be so pretty if I wasn't so dark and this korean guy that I had a crush on who liked me too would only talk to me in secluded places and when I asked him, he told me that he wouldn't date me because I was too dark and he would be embarrassed. You know, if black women feel insecure about their skin color, they can go look at their culture or black celebrities and feel inspired and empowered. But all the Indian actresses are so pale too, I think the only time I've ever felt represented in the media is Bridgerton but I'm darker than Kate and Edwina and all the bullying has given me severe body dysmorphia. I always wear long sleeves and try to cover my skin as much as possible. I hate seeing how dark I am and I feel so insecure. I barely leave my house and I have no self confidence so in the void, I manifested pale skin. and it's such a surreal experience. like to be honest it stills feels so unreal but I feel so pretty now and I'm so grateful. i hate that society did this to me but now i can walk with my head held up high and that's all I've ever wanted. I am really sad thinking about all the pain my skin color caused me and now i am ready to libe my life and love my body. thank you pink for everything, im going to be deleting tumblr now

hi love! first of all, this really upset me and im so sorry about what you went through. honestly, i hate how cultures are so obsessed with fair skin when every skin color is beautiful in its own right. i have more that i want to say against this but i don't want to come off as reprimanding you when your insecurity stems from the unfair treatment society inflicted upon you and if this makes you confident and allows you to be happy, then im just happy for you. also congrats on entering the void and ik, that revision meditation works wonders!! i hope you continue being happy from here on out 💗

[1863-project]

I feel pretty today.

I don't look any different than I normally do, and I'm still wearing a pair of overalls the way I usually am when I'm working, but something feels different.

I spent my childhood being told I was ugly by my male peers, so I felt unattractive for most of that time, even as I grew up and saw I was more or less a societally average person. I wasn't a model turning heads, but I wasn't what people would call "ugly," either, and really, beauty is such a subjective thing that we can't really define it on a linear spectrum like that.

I realized the other day that it wasn't my looks they were shaming. They were calling the person I was ugly, because I couldn't be like the neurotypical kids and clearly didn't want to be. I couldn't conform to what they thought a girl should be. My hobbies and interests were weird to them. They didn't know how else to phrase their derisiveness, and so they used the words 'ugly' (to describe me) and 'stupid' (to describe anything I was enjoying at the time).

Events in my life have more or less left me feeling like 'pretty' isn't a word I can call myself. 'Cute,' maybe, since I'm only 5'2", but 'pretty' has always felt out of reach because due to the 'ugly' bullying I got really good at making myself invisible. I've never really drawn attention the way friends of mine I'd describe as prettier have, although they've told me that it's attention they don't want, which is understandable. Nobody wants harassment because of what they look like of any sort, whether it's bullies calling you ugly or creepy people trying to hit on you at work or when you're just trying to exist because they think you're hot. Additionally, I have an autoimmune thyroid disorder that has drastically changed my body starting around age 22 or so back in 2011, and that's dropped a hefty dose of body dysmorphia on my head.

Turns out none of that makes me not pretty. I see people who look like me on the internet and the comments sections are full of people who find them attractive. Today I saw a comment on a clip of Yukina from Kotetsujou no Kabaneri where someone outright said they thought women operating steam locomotives was hot and it rewrote something in my brain because I never really thought about myself that way, but I can operate steam locomotives. (Well, I did it once and I'm looking to volunteer on a heritage railway to get properly qualified to do it more, but it's something that I'd be able to do if it was required of me on short notice because I've studied.)

And knowing that people can be attracted to me doing something that I have such a deep passion and visible enjoyment for? That changes everything.

[hobaworld7]

MYG - Insecurities (TW) (M)

Pairing : reader x idol/yoongi

tw: mention of eat!ng dis0rder, body dysmorphia, weight and insecurities about reader's body, like b!g or feeling not enough. there is also a lot of fluff.

PLEASE : don't read if you are underage or are struggling with ed because this could be triggering*

I feel like i'm in the right place to write about that, i've been medically diagnosed with anor3x!@ and went to many therapies for my ed. so please be comfortable to get help if you struggle or you can always talk to me, my dm are open!

a/n: I wanted to write this one since a while, so here i am a 10pm when i have to wake up at 5am tomorrow, but hope you'll enjoy and please comment some request!

disclaimer : BTS or Suga doesn't belong to me. The scenario does. Remember that it's only an imagine. I also took some of his quote about body positivity because it fits with the story. I'll put them in italic, so you know that they are not mine.

LISTEN TO THIS SONG IF YOU NEED A REMINDER OF HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE!

________

You've been struggling a lot lately. One year ago you were diagnosed with an eating disorder. You've went to therapy and since have been follow by a psychologist and your doctor. It was doing well, you've improved a lot but you were still feeling fragile. A little thing could be triggering enough to put you in some bad habits again. Summer was coming and even if your psy kept telling you to love your body that it does so much for you, just the thought of wearing and seeing yourself in short or crop top in front of people make you sick.

Here you were, in front of your full size mirror. You've tried at least 6 outfits. Nothing was okay. Your thighs were a little too big and you didn't like the way your arms fit in all of your tops. At this point, your bedroom was a mess and you were at the breaking point. You got out of your clothes, put on one of your boyfriend's hoodie and decided to call him.

-Y/N, is everything all right? I'm waiting for you at the studio.

-Yoongi, nothing looks good on me. I feel fat and ugly. I don't have anything to wear. I tried 6 outfits. I just can't get out of the house today, sorry my love...

-Babe, put anything that feel comfortable and come to the studio please. Take that long sleeve of mine that you love seeing me in. Wear it. You would look beautiful, as always, in it.

-Yoonie, I really don't feel like going out...

-Please jagiya, I'll wait for you now.

He hung up before you could say anything. He knows it was the only way to make you go out of your apartment. You went to his wardrobe, grab the long sleeve he was talking about and some legging too. You put your favorite white adidas shoes and some sunglasses before heading out. You were feeling shitty but you know you had to go see your boyfriend to feel better. He had a whole pm planned for both of you. You took the bus to his studio.

_ _ _

-Babe I'm here!

You knock slowly on the door and open it after hearing him telling you to come in. It was a little studio with all his instruments, some screens and a couch so he could rest during the busy days. You always love coming here when he was working on his album.

You hear him talking over the phone so you decided to get cozy and find your favorite spot on the couch under a blanket. You were scrolling on TikTok when Yoongi decide to come lay on you like a big bay, his head resting against your chest.

-Hello beautiful baby girl. What do you wanna eat?

-I don't feel like eating...

You wrap your arms around your belly. It was a bad day.

-I know, but you still have to take a bit or two. Now please, tell me what you wanna eat?

-I don't know, some ramen would be good?

-Perfect babe, i'll order something.

He kisses your forehead and go order food. You were a little hungry actually. But the eating disorder was like controlling your thoughts and after that body-hate morning, you didn't feel like you could eat. Like you were punishing yourself.

But Yoongi was amazing and understood how you were feeling. That's why he was forcing you to eat and get out of your apartment. He wanted you near him so he could watch over you because it was a bad day.

____

After you ate and he did all the work he had to do for the day, you both went home. You were feeling a little bit better. Once you arrive at your place, Yoongi went to the dressing to get changes and you went in the kitchen so you could grab something to drink.

-Babe! Y/N! Come here please.

You hears Yoongi scream from the dressing room. You let your coffee on the counter and went to the walk-in. When you open the door, you saw that he cleaned all your mess of the morning and took off the sheet that was covering the mirror. It was a full length one and he put on the sheet a week or two ago when you told him you felt ugly this day.

-Come here baby.

He reaches out for your hand. You take his hand and he slowly drag you near him. He put his hands on your shoulder and turn you around so you are facing the mirror.

-Baby, please not today..

You put your hands around your body.

-Please, let me do something okay?

You mumble as an answer. You knew he was stubborn so if you let him do what he wanted to do, it would be easier then try to leave right now.

-You are so beautiful baby.

He puts his hand on your hip and slowly pull up your hoodie.

-Raise your arm baby.

You slowly do as he said and he then slowly undress you. You were now only in your bras and legging. You rapidly put your arms around your body and turn to face him.

-Please babe, can I leave now?

Yoongi put his hands on your cheek and lift up your face toward him.

-Trust me with that okay baby? You are so beautiful and I love you so much. I just want you to know. I wanna tell you over and over again how perfect you are. Now turn around and look at yourself in the mirror, please.

You turn around slowly and he put his index under your chin and lift up your face so you can see your reflection. He cover your neck of kisses and put his hands back on your hips.

-Look at that beautiful body. He's so precious.

He take off his shirt and trow it away. Then his hands are on your hip and his lips on yours. As he kisses you, he undress you of your legging.

-I don't want you to loose weight. Just imagine, one gram of your beautifulness leaving your body. I wouldn't be able to live.

He goes sit on the couch that decorate the corner of the room. He take your hands and once he's comfortably sit, pull it so you can sit on him, facing the mirror. He start kissing your neck and shoulder. His hands touching every parts of your exposed skin. His mouth was devouring your skin. Your eyes close, just taking all this sweetness and pleasure in.

-Open your eyes baby. Look how beautiful you are.

You start feeling his lips, sucking and gently bitting your skin. Probably leaving marks all over your body like he loves to do. You didn't really mind, honestly. Yoongi loved it so much, seeing his passages on you so it kinda turned you on.

-You are so pretty baby. Look at your body. Reacting so much under my touch.

Both of his hands were touching your body and you were shaking under his touch.

-Y/N, I love you so much. You are so amazing. You are so beautiful. Please never think you aren't enough or not pretty enough. You're a piece of art.

___

If you want to read more, here is the link of my masterlist : https://www.tumblr.com/kimtaehyung-taetae-writing/710423978560421888/masterlist?source=sharethank you army!

[kidrauhlschik]

Stray Kids as Sad Songs

Maknae Line

Han - Iris (The Goo Goo Dolls)

"And I don't want world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand"

It's no secret that Jisung struggles with his mental health. He always has and he's convinced that he always will. His anxiety makes him feel different from other people in the worst way possible.

His life got to the point where he is constantly on the edge, it is simply what he's used to. So, when you came into his life, the anxiety you caused him felt like home.

Everyone around him could tell that he was hurting and his life kept going from bad to worse, but he always failed to see your wrongs and flaws. To him you were perfect. You could see him for what he was and kept him grounded.

"When Everything is meant to be broken

I just want you to know who I am"

It's fine if you broke him down whenever he's happy. You were just protecting him for something worse. It's better to fall from a one story building rather than a fifteen story hotel. At least, that's what he always told himself.

Whenever he would approach you with the biggest smile on his face, beaming with excitement to show you a new song he composed, it was only normal for you to point out the flaws in his work. You were just watching out for him.

Afterall, he can't ever do anything right.

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies"

Whenever he would doubt your words of love, he always remembers that his anxiety is probably the reason he would ever doubt you. You would never lie to him right? You loved Jisung.

You loved him so much that whenever he would have a panic attack, you would dig your nails into his wrists to help him.

Once you drew blood he was finally able to breathe.

He loves you so much because you love him enough.

"Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive"

Felix - Evergreen (Omar Apollo)

"Was there something wrong with my body?"

While staring at the bottom of the glass, he ponders. Was it him? Were you right? He already had body dysmorphia. He already hated himself for the most part, but you made it so much worse.

He can remember fasting for three days, but he never got hungry. He only felt pride when the numbers in the scale dropped.

“She’s going to love me more.” is what he would tell himself as he pinched his gut.

The members were getting concerned. Felix had always been a small guy, but now he was skin and bones. If only he had told them the truth. They would have helped had he revealed what went on at home. If only they knew the names you would call him or the way that you’d treat him.

"Am I not what you wanted, babe?"

He tried so hard to be perfect for you, but it was never enough. Every time he looked in the mirror, he could see everything you would see as well. He had bad skin, his freckles were ugly, his eyes were too small, his face was too chubby, maybe you were right. Maybe he was so unlovable that he could only blame himself for the way that would treat him.

Maybe if he had been better, or stronger, or perfect. Maybe then, you’d still be with him.

He could only blame himself the night you left him.

If he was good enough. You’d still be there.

"I've cried, I've cried so much for you, baby"

Yet, he can admit how cruel you were. He can finally say that he doesn’t love you anymore, but the damage you cause ran deep. As awful as you were to him, he only felt resentment towards himself.

He doesn’t know who he hates more. You or him?

"You know you really made me hate myself"

If only he could disappear. He’d stop being an inconvenience to everyone. Maybe if he was dead, people would finally love him. There isn’t anything to hate if he can’t be a burden anymore.

He felt bad for his friends. You were probably right by telling him that they were only his friends out of pity.

That’s why he cut everyone off. They didn’t fight to keep the friendship. They were probably glad he took himself out of their lives.

Looking back, they always liked you. You were a different person when you were with them. Maybe he’s so hateful, that he caused you to hate him as well. What other explanation could there be for your treatment?

"Had to stop before I'd break myself"

He knows that he was slowly killing himself because of you. He wasn’t eating anymore, he was too fat. He never left the house anymore, what if someone saw his face? He didn’t have friends anymore, they don’t deserve to have to deal with him. He was drinking himself to sleep every night, it’s the only way he could cope.

At the end of the day, all he wanted what your approval. That’s the reason he sits alone at the bar. Maybe one day, if he became perfect, you’d love him again and he would finally be good enough for you.

"You didn't deserve me at all"

Seungmin - I Wish You Cheated (Alexander Stewart)

"Wondering where it all went wrong"

The road was dark and empty, which made it easier to speed. The music was unbearably loud, but that was fine. Seungmin didn’t want to hear his own thoughts.

What did he do wrong? He was the perfect boyfriend, wasn’t he?

To this day, he still loves you. He loved the way your eyes would glimmer when he walked through the door. He loved your bright smile when you spoke about something you loved. He loved everything about you, which makes things so much harder for him.

"I just need someone to hate"

How he wished that he could hate you. It truly pisses him off to think about you, but you’re always in his mind. The only thing he feels when he sees your face in his thoughts is heartache.

Even now, when his tears are making it hard to see the road, his only wish was for you to be there next to him.

"You and your goddam honesty"

Why were you always so blunt? Why couldn’t you just let him live in his delusions?

“I don’t love you anymore.” Were the last words you said to him before you cut the line.

You had blocked him on everything and told all of your friends to do the same, so closure was never an option.

He asked himself, how long can the pain last?

The pain had been his neighbor for the past six months. Maybe if he had gotten closure, or maybe if he knew what your reason had been, then he could rest.

All he had were good memories of the two of you. Which makes things so much worse.

Had you two argued, had he messed up, or had you found someone else, he would understand. He had absolutely nothing but questions.

"I wish you would have cheated"

What does he tell his friends and family?

Everyone knew of you. So what should his answer be when people ask about you? He doesn’t even know what happened.

He wonders what your reply to that question is. Do you tell people that there was fight? Do you tell everyone that Seungmin was a bad boyfriend? Or do you tell everyone the truth that he will never know?

"I wish I had a reason I could hate your guts for leaving"

If only you had cheated on him. He would be over you by now. Hatred instead of confusion. Was that too much to ask?

He wondered if his never ending list of questions would ever be answered. Was he going to grow old, never know the reason why the one that got away, left him?

Whatever happened to “together forever”?

A humorless chuckle escaped his lips at the absurdity of it all. After all, love is nothing but a joke.

"I wish you were the villain"

If love was real, you would still be with him. Had the promises meant nothing to you?

No matter what perspective in which he would try to read the situation, could help him. Unanswered questions and spilled tears is all he would ever have.

Even if he were to move on one day, you would always cloud the deepest side of his brain. After all, he still loved you. He just wished he knew the reason why you didn’t love him anymore.

"But you did nothing wrong"

I.N. - As the World Caves In (Matt Maltese)

"We're drunk a couple bottles, babe

and set our grief aside"

Alcohol always relieves the stress, which is exactly what the two of you needed.

Why cry when you could be making jokes about the situation?

The two of you were the only ones that knew about what was going to happen.

If it was up to you, you would be alone right now, but Jeongin insisted that it was this or nothing.

As selfish as you felt, you’re glad that he’s there with you. No one wants to be alone at moments like this one. No one wants to die alone.

"Here it is, our final night alive"

You had been diagnosed with stage four brain cancer three months ago. There was nothing medicine could do for you anymore. Which is what made you decide, that if you’re were going to go, it had to be on your own terms.

You had wanted to do it without Jeongin, but he was the one to bring it up first.

“I would rather die than to live in a world without you in it.” You tried to talk him out of it. You told him how foolish it was. He could move on. You wanted him to move on, you wanted him to grow old with a healthy girl who loved him as much as you did. You wanted him to have a family and to live the rest of his life with joy and laughter. Yet, he had other plans.

"And as the Earth runs to the ground

Oh, girl it's you that I lie with"

“We go out together or I go alone right after.” Was his ultimatum. You never agreed with the idea, but you know Jeongin.

“I pinky promise you right now. Whether it’s heaven or hell, I will find you.” His smile quavers a little with what you hope is doubt.

“Innie. Please stay back… I’m begging you to live.” The tears are now freely rolling down your face as you turn to look at him.

He holds your hand and gives it a slow kiss. “I’m not going to live without you. We said that we would be together forever and that’s what we’re going to do.” Nothing but determination drips with every word.

“Jeongin. I don’t-“ He cuts you off with a gentle kiss.

“I’m sorry, but im doing this whether you want me to or not.” A sad smile plays on his lips. Why is he so stubborn?

"As the world, as the world caves in"

Looking into his eyes in the middle of the night is the only think keeping you calm at this point. Hand in hand, all you can think about is how lucky you are, and how unlucky he is. Why couldn’t he be with someone healthy? Someone who could be with him in sickness and in health. Instead, he ended up with a cancer ridden girl that given the chance she would have chosen to die, sick or not.

"Oh we're going out in style, babe"

He tightens his grip on you hand and steps on the gas. Once the car is going fast enough for it to fly off the cliff on its own, he turns to you and holds your face in both hands.

“I love you.”

With a sob you’re able to respond, “I love you more.”

The sight of each other is the last thing either of you see before the world goes dark.

"Yes, it's you I welcome death with"

~

I wrote this on mobile so it might be funky and it’s definitely not proofread. Thanks for reading tho! ♥️

[shadowen]

I've been thinking a lot about the intersections between gender envy, gender dysphoria, and body dysmorphia and feeling very stuck.

I'm non-binary and AFAB. I use the term genderqueer, because my internal sense of gender is very much shrug emoji. As far as specific terms, the closest is probably genderfluid or agender. In a perfect magical world, I'd be able to change my shape or temporarily swap out body parts at will. We don't live in a perfect magical world, obviously. I wear a binder sometimes, but I don't feel like it makes much of a difference. (Yes I have a good quality binder. Yes it's correctly fitted. I have large breasts and mostly wear sports bras, so there's just not a noticeable change.) I feel a lot of the "but am I non-binary enough?" impostor syndrome, for a lot of reasons.

This is all personal stuff, not meant to comment or reflect on the experience of anyone other than myself, and is probably WAY more information about me than you ever want to know. Just thought writing it out might help organize my thoughts. Maybe it did?

I'm fat. That's not meant to be disparaging, just a statement of fact. There's been some variation in my size over my adult life, but I've always been fat. There was a time when I could say I was hot AND fat, but that's long past. The only times I've ever lost a significant amount of weight, I was (a) still fat and (b) living in a way that was deeply unhealthy (replacing meals with coffee and cigarettes, walking so much I was in pain, not sleeping, etc.). I've tried medications and diets. I'm not unhealthy. I'm just fat, and I'm always going to be fat.

I feel like the entire front of my body is just in the way. My breasts and stomach are just this big lump of flesh that keeps me from ever being comfortable. Sitting, standing, moving, walking, sleeping, everything is harder because of this mass that feels like it's pasted onto my body. Clothes that otherwise fit fine don't fit right on my breasts or don't sit right on my waist or just won't go over my stomach. This has always been a problem, no matter what size I am. I used to say that I love my tits, but I don't. The only good thing I can say about them is that they're big enough to occasionally balance out my lower belly, so I at least sort of look like a shape instead of just a blob. One big fear I have with getting rid of them is that I will just look like a blob.

My physical appearance causes me severe psychological distress, but I genuinely have no idea what the underlying cause is. I feel so alienated from my physical self. I hate my body. It feels like a trap that I'm stuck in. I want to cut myself out of it, and I know that's not healthy. The big question is: Do I hate my body because it's fat or because it has breasts? Both? Neither? A secret other thing? This feels like an academic distinction, but gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia are separate medical diagnoses with dramatically different approaches to treatment. In the most simplistic terms, gender dysphoria says, "Your appearance doesn't reflect who you are, and there's things you can do to change that." Body dysmorphia says, "You're convinced there's something wrong with your appearance, and you need therapy to convince yourself there's not."

Neither of them is exactly right. Getting misgendered is irritating, but it doesn't stop me from doing things. What stops me from doing things is feeling like I look ugly and ridiculous no matter what I do. Body dysmorphia is mostly focused on minor imperfections, not literally the entire body, and hinges on the assumption that the feeling is irrational. Is what I'm feeling irrational? I don't know. Is it tied to my sense of self? Yes, definitely. Is it tied to my gender specifically? Fuck if I know.

The thing is, I do know that my gender presentation doesn't match my gender identity. (It doesn't have to, obviously. Non-binary people don't have to look non-binary, but I, personally, want to.) If I wear a dress, I look like a girl in a dress. If I wear a suit, I look like a girl in a suit. At least in a dress, I can look reasonably attractive. In masculine clothes, I just look like an ugly butch. (Butches in general are beautiful. I, in particular, am ugly.) Is there, theoretically, some combination of shapewear, clothing, make-up, etc. that could achieve the appearance I want? Yeah, maybe. Can I go through that routine every time I leave the house? Hell no. It takes most of my morning energy just to brush my teeth and put on a bra.

I know my body is not the right shape. (I think? Could be irrational. Who knows.) So what is the right shape? This is what I've been thinking about lately and why I've been thinking about the concept of gender envy.

Even after 20 years in fandom, I still feel self-conscious talking about things like this in terms of fictional characters, but characters, like gender, are artificial constructs that can have a material impact on our lives. So here we are.

Gender envy is one of those things that I've always understood in theory but never really related to. Recently, though, I encountered a character (as one does) who pinged my brain in a way I couldn't immediately figure out. Not necessarily attraction or identification, and not even really wanting to be like them, but wanting to give off the same vibe, the same impression, the same sense of existence. I didn't really think about what exactly I was feeling until I suddenly remembered that gender envy was, in fact, a thing. And... Yeah. That. So I'm looking at this character and thinking that this is what I want, and I'm looking at myself and wondering if it's possible. And I don't know. Because my body is the wrong shape, and I don't know if I can change it in a way that will make me feel... right.

(This is not about the owlbear. Yes, I generally want to be a beautiful, genderless, monster, but I'd still rather be human-shaped. I've genuinely put a lot of thought into whether I might be a furry and come to the conclusion that I really am just a monster fucker.)

I don't know. The best thing for me to do is probably talk to a therapist, but it's hard enough finding one in general, much less one who knows enough about all the intersecting issues to offer meaningful guidance. I have one non-binary friend who's also fat, but I think they struggle with a lot of the same questions I do. And of course, that imposter syndrome is constantly in the back of my head asking if I'm really non-binary or just sort of non-binary.

[kiefbowl]

Hi <3 Idk if you remember me but I'm the anon that send you an ask about feeling terribly ugly and suffering from body dysmorphia. You and another user wrote some lovely words and advice and again, thank you. I just wanted to update you: turns out the reason I felt so horrible was because during that week, I took out my IUD and went hormone free for the first time since 14. I must have been experiencing some weird hormonal hurricane. I have suffered from severe body dysmorphia in the past but that was between ages 16 and 20 - I've mostly been over it. But I was so shocked to experience that feeling of self hatred and digust with myself again after so many years. I felt so hopeless and doomed, as if the world was ending and I need to accept that I am somehow disfigured. It sounds almost ridiculous now that I'm typing it out.

I feel much better now once my hormones have regulated a bit. I can't even get back to the mindset I was in when I sent you that ask. I guess I'm sending you this update also as a word of caution? Don't get me wrong, I am still a big supporter of BC but damn I was not prepared for the deep black emotional hole I briefly fell into once I got my IUD removed... it really makes me wonder about the type of person I would have been during my teens if I wasn't put on hormonal BC just because of acne and painful periods...

Thank you for the update!! I’m so happy you’re feeling better!!

I know lots of women when going off, or switching, or trying hormonal bc, they experienced a very similar change in their mood that really effected them. It’s definitely something we should talk about because while hormonal bc is a great option, it’s not the only one (and there’s so many choices of hormonal bc to boot!) and I see a culture of pushing it on women early and for every reason under the sun. We need to take it very seriously and be open about the side effects. It’s disappointing to see doctors treat it like a magic pill instead of extremely strong hormonal prescription.

In a perfect would, the medical industry would also constantly be improving our options and improving hormonal bc. I don’t think it’s the priority. The care and understanding that different women with different lives need different things, doesn’t always seem to matter to everyone in health care.

But at least by being honest about our experiences, we can help fill in the gaps and better prepare other women to make the right choice or at least ask questions when with her doctor.

[andsheoverthinks]

on femcels and women's right to be horny (and have feelings in general)

i understand how being voluntarily celibate can be empowering especially for het women, but both men and women are in denial and believe women cannot be involuntarily celibate, even though the person who started the term was a woman named Alana. unfortunately now Alana's movement isn't about shy late bloomers, it's about stupid misogynist hateful serial killer rapist men. i hate that they took this term away from women.

why does everyone talk about Elliot Rodger but not Christine Chubbuck? why is a hateful misogynist serial killer tragic and overanalyzed and moralized and even worshipped while a sad, lonely woman who killed herself unimportant? in fact, many of the comments on a post about her suicide call her ugly or a horrible person, or worse, say they want to see the video, even asking where they can watch it. women's pain isn't real, it's just entertainment.

the way people talk about women's experience of romance and sexuality is very isolating for me. there's this belief that all women are swimming in dick and lusty DMs and men willing to drop everything for us and someone asked us to prom in high school and it's not true. i wish we could have more discussions about women who are late bloomers, women who are horny and unwanted and undesirable, women who are seen as below 'normal women' in a patriarchial society. if you aren't desirable, men may not see you as a sexual utility but they will still see you as free therapy, free to offload work on, and a resource to 'practice on' to learn to court and charm 'real women.' men ask for my number to pick my brain and drain me. to ask me to do their thinking and their work for them.

ugly women are invisible. sometimes this invisibility to men (and women) keeps me safe around them. sometimes it makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry because i've felt so inconsequential my whole life. like sometimes people see right through me.

i am not even that fucking ugly! i am black, and i'm flat chested with no ass, and my face is a little asymmetrical, and my top teeth need braces so i have a better bite, but i'm not even that fucking ugly! i dress nice, and i wear makeup (sorry radfems, i'm weaning myself off), and i smell nice! i'm not even that fucking ugly! i have reverse body dysmorphia or something. i look in the mirror when i've feeling like shit, and think wow, i'm actually kind of cute. would i get followers on social media? no. but i'm not even that fucking ugly.

it's deadly to your self-esteem to know that men would fuck anything and you're below anything. you are not just a woman, which is an object, you are a defective object. it's hard to talk about this because people see sexual exploitation as wrong, but don't care about emotional exploitation. when men aren't sexually active, it's a crisis and we have to talk about legalizing prostitution because women are resources not people, when women aren't sexually active, it doesn't matter because women don't have needs and feelings. especially as a black woman, i am expected to give give give. the only reason my body is not one of things i'm expected to give is because no one wants it. everything else? give give give. ever read the giving tree?

and everyone says well if it bothers u so much there has to be a guy willing to fuck you (use you as masturbation sleeve) somewhere in the world! after all u are warm body w pussy someone will come along to use u as blowup sex doll! go on tinder and sell ur body for $3.50 coffee! you want to have mutally enjoyable sex with someone who cares about you and maybe loves you and doesn't just see u as wet holes w legs? fuck you, uppity bitch! no wonder you're single!

u tried asking men out? they said no? well u must have went for 6 foot 9 figures 12 inch dick man? is that right? no? ofc you did, lying bitch!

no one would ever say this shit to a man. keep your head up bro! these hoes ain't loyal! lemme tell u what, take a shower and get a job and the bitches be flocking to u! i was just like u bro, then i met my hot wife! get ur passport and get out this country, these modern women are ran-through bitches, find urself a submissive traditional woman from (insert Slavic or Asian country).

the idea of femcels, especially dissatisfied femcels, makes terminally online men so so angry. because it suggests that women do have feelings and needs. and we shouldn't. femcels are transgressive. we're not supposed to exist. even funnier, it suggests that some of them whining and raving, have actually been turning down perfectly good women who don't fit their porn-informed standards.

if i say i want to have a romantic experience at least once before i die, i'll be told i'm just brainwashed or dick-struck (never seen one in real life) or some other kind of delusional. you don't really need it. you don't really want it. what is with the obsession of forcing women into self-denial? nothing tastes as good as skinny feels! stop fantasizing about getting to have a sloppy makeout session, you don't really want it. of course women are better than men at reducing their carbon footprint, we're used to limiting our consumption.

but it's not true, i fucked myself up already believing i didn't deserve to experience desire and have a sexuality because i was too ugly and you're not pushing me back there again. being horny is my right, i'm human too.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

i am working through something and i wanted to express it somewhere but it feels too personal to say publicly.. and your blog feels like a safe place to confess things.. I want to go on hrt but am terrified of my mother's reaction. she knows im trans and is a lot more ok with it than she used to be but she still doesn't understand and is really bothered by her own lack of understanding. and my sense is that when my appearance changes from T shes going to hate it and be extremely upset. I'm an adult and I dont want to be controlled by my mother's feelings but due to my family dynamics growing up I have rotated around her feelings my whole life, its not as bad as it used to be but i still feel her feelings are dangerous and painful to me. I have a great support system, im blessed with so many friends and even my older siblings who I wasn't close with have been very supportive of me being trans. I dont need to be scared, materially I will be safe and loved even if my mother hurts me. but still its so terrifying to me. I want to get over this and not feel so dependent on her approval, but at the same time i dont even know if its possible. who can help wanting their mother to love them? or even more than love, because i know she does love me and thats really why its so hard, i want her to approve of me and be happy for me. I dont want the happiness i know i will feel from going on hrt to be ruined by her hating my life choices. my spiritual life is pushing me to take control of my life and bring my internal self and reality into the material, I know i cant keep ignoring my own physical desires and living with dissonance between the internal and external...so im moving towards that and i know i'll get there regardless its just terrifying and i wanted to talk about it.. uhh ya sorry this is so personal and emotional i hope it isnt uncomfortable for you or anyone else to read because i know these are really painful issues for many people. and i don't expect you to have any advice necessarily i know htese are huge issues to work through... i just wanted to express it and put it into the world that i'm working on this. thank you for letting me use your askbox to talk! hope your day is great

thankyou for trusting me with your confession anon <3 its not at all uncomfortable to me for you to confide your feelings.. Does anyone who's transitioned have supportive advice they cld leave for anon in the replies? i dont want to speak on something i havent personally experienced.

One thing i do relate to immensely is having a mother who doesn't try to see you as a unique individual, and becomes very displeased when u act in ways that don't align with her worldview. my mom will straight up tell me i look ugly with pink hair. my mom knows i make music but she's never asked to hear one of my songs. she doesn;t want to know about anything that interests me or my motivations in life. etc etc. and it's that same feeling of like, well, she does Love me i think, but i'll never feel that she truly approves of me. idk what the answer is..in my own life it has lead to me being quite a distant person, and rebellious in nature, i coped with it by purposefully leaning into the parts of me she disapproved of most. but idk if that's been healthy for me.

ultimately, we will disappoint everyone in our lives at one point or another.. Sometimes even when u try ur best to please someone it still doesn't work out. so please dont be too hard on urself <3 One thing im learning to cope with my ocd spirals (usually body dysmorphia or guilt related) is to "zoom out", try and redirect my thoughts to the bigger picture of life, it makes my own problems feel smaller in a way that doesn;t silence or dismiss them, just re-contextualizes them in that moment and makes it feel less imminent & overwhelming. mayb i can talk more about methods and analogies for this sometime.

Hope u can find some peace anon and i'm sure your hopes and dreams will materialize for u if u just keep going & focusing your energy on ur dreams. Stay safe <333 PMD9

[rgr-pop]

being able to to post stuff like that is a pretty huge step and also i posted a semi selfie onto twitter (putting it all aside for my high femcel dsa meeting look) but bro i am in it. i have been in it pretty cripplingly for some years maybe now--hard to remember what outside was like if there ever was one, i think there was. it's fucking ridiculous but i don't really want out of it. i do really need some cute fits and an opportunity to wear them and to do some activity to recontextualize my body (don't say exercise. i mean my APPEARANCE. grow up.) i don't want to recover from dysmorphia. i don't look back at old photos of myself like some people with some kinds of dysmorphia do and think i used to look better. i think i was fucking demented--or, actually, i mean, i think i was brave. to like be seen. but also i'm disgusted by it. but ultimately i remember that i really did feel like it was morally right for me to be ugly. and i do actually still feel that way (and i do actually believe i am morally superior to many people who do behaviors to relieve themselves from the anxiety of being among the ugly - sorry i just do feel this way). but i feel like i could never survive doing that again. i don't want to be free from this, i want to be wiped off the earth. i would just fucking never. (a psychotic pridefulness...) i also know that i don't want to look better than i do because i'm really smart and an expert at beauty cultures and i know that none of that works. but i do think about improving my appearance all of the time (i just don't engage in it because i know it's fruitless but also morally wrong.)

[authoralexharvey]

🍀 - What thoughts or emotions that didn’t make sense to your past self make sense now that you know you’re queer? & 🧡 - How has the way you presented yourself (ex. Clothing, hairstyle, etc.) changed since you realized you were queer? pls!!

Hey Andi!! These are great questions ^^

🍀- What thoughts or emotions that didn't make sense to your past self make sense now that you know you're queer?

Sooo I'm kinda conflicted how to answer this one. I was heavily sheltered as a child. Like, I had homeschooling centers I went to, but in a group of like. Ten kids max there's not a whole lot you talk about that isn't video games. It's not until I went to public school in seventh grade that I even knew what being gay was or that it was an option. And it's not even like I was I'm a homophobic environment, either. I just had such little interaction with other kids, especially of my AG, that I didn't have a chance to feel those feelings, let alone explore them.

Anyway. Middle school. I pretty much realized I had Queer Emotions (at least in terms of sexuality) at the same time that I was in an environment where people could help me understand that.

Gender was a little,,, weirder.

I was always considered a tomboy, to be honest. All my friends were men and we all played video games or make believe in the yard. My barbie phase lasted like... 6 months and typically involved brutal scenarios and storytelling when I had it. Aside from my presentation, I was never ever "stereotypically feminine". And like. I didn't have much of a need to question things as a child. Once I hit puberty, it got weirder. I'm not binary transgender, but it's like the moment puberty hit my body no longer made sense to me. For the longest time, I attributed it to it being puberty and NO ONE being happy to be in that phase of life etc.

It's not until like. My junior year of high school that I knew what being trans was? Let alone being nonbinary. But once I learned about those concepts it was a pretty neat transition of "oh okay that makes sense. That's what I am"... just been a matter of OTHET people accepting this about me.

On the whole, though, like I said I was ignorant for a lot of my life and tended to have realizations and understanding at almost the exact same time. I'd say I had more "Ah that makes sense" moments about my neurodivergency, if I'm being completely honest.

🧡 how has the way you've presented yourself changed since you realized you were queer?

A couple of different ways. I HATED skirts and dresses as a teen, and as an older kid I think. I really had a very lengthy and awkward ugly duckling phase and was dealing with a lot of dysphoria and dysmorphia (thanks, eating disorder)... I still don't like skirts or dresses, tbh, but take the approach of "my aim is to be hot however that feels on a given day" now that I like. Feel better about myself. I also wore a lot of baggy clothes as a kid and whatnot and wear less of that now that I feel less of a need to "hide" myself, I think. Also also, I lean way more masculine now that I'm in environments where I can do that. My default outfit is a t-shirt and jeans with a MTV button up shirt I have (that is too tight to button up BUT looks great open)... I'm actually wearing that tomorrow for pride.

I don't know I think in general I avoided things as a kid for discomfort reasons and now that I'm no longer so uncomfortable, I feel better about dressing more fem or whatever. That said, 85% I'm going for as neutral or masculine as possible.

[ronni-right]

'' i want everyone here to see that i’m yours'' - daemon

For anon who sent me this promt: sorry it took too long and sorry if you dont like this ficlet but I cant know what people like or dislike, it's hard to write something for every one to like Rating T. Daemon/plus-size Rhaenyra, part of Fitness & losing weight AU universe. Please, if you are triggered by body dysmorphia, don't read these

She tries to stay calm about it. This isn’t the first time she sees his friends. But this is the first time she is introduced as Daemon’s girlfriend. All other times she was just a member of a gym and nothing else. And now he tells his friends and subordinates that she is girlfriend. 

It’s the 9th anniversary of Daemon’s first fitness club. They celebrate it in The Ritz-Carlton, and Rhaenyra knows she doesn’t fit in there, between slim stunning bodies. She feels like an ugly duckling among amazing swans. 

If Daemon had heard her thoughts, he would definitely scold her for this. He calls her beautiful every day, and fucks her like he can't get enough of her. Her legs still shake after their romp in the bathroom mere ten minutes ago. 

And Rhaenyra believes him when he compliments her. If he didn’t think she was stunning, it’s unlikely that she would be standing with him like this now — it’s unlikely that he would hold her by the waist in such a possessive way and call her his girlfriend with such warmth.

But she sees how other people look at them. Many don’t understand what he saw in her. And Rhaenyra, to be honest, doesn’t understand this either. Some of the girls look at her in disgust and then give Daemon hot looks.

She has no reasons to be jealous, Daemon is with her, but she is jealous. 

“I want everyone here to see that I’m yours.” Daemon’s hot whisper makes her shiver. 

And she looks at him surprised. 

“What are you talking about?” Rhaenyra asks, lifting her head to look at him, blinking in confusion. He can’t seriously tell her that. Daemon turns to her fully, his hands low on her hips.

“I know what you are thinking about,” he whispers hot into her lips and then he tells slowly, pronouncing every word “so I want you to kiss me.” It’s like his words send a vibration that makes her stomach flip and her cunt throb with arousal. 

 “It’s inappropriate, Daemon.” She blushes. 

Never once a man handsome like Daemon wanted her to kiss him in public. Especially with people who know him around them. But Daemon isn’t like others, he isn’t shy to kiss her anywhere he wants to kiss her, and he wants to kiss her a lot. 

“Who says? It’s just a kiss.” He strokes her waist and bites his lower lip as he watches her lips. 

“Just a kiss?” Rhaenyra teases him, placing her hands on his shoulders. 

“You know what you meant.”  Daemon pulls her even closer to him, and she can feel that he is hard. “And I know you need it, sweetie.” His eyes shine under the light. “No matter what you think, wherever I am, I always think only about you. And I don't need anyone else. I can’t think about any women when you exist.”

It’s hard to fight the sexual tension between them. 

And really fuck all these women. 

She isn’t ugly. 

She looks good, in her satin style dress with deep V neckline, with long puff sleeves and  midi length skirt. 

And she looks good even in her yoga pants and stretched t-shirt.

And she shouldn't be jealous as he is hers. 

In the end she stakes her claim, pulling him down and kissing him, a little bit messy, but neither he, nor she cares about public opinion right now, when they lips met.  

Needless to say, mere a three minutes later they end up in the bathroom again.

[bloodcorpceo]

today i am feeling pretty blackpilled. it's the first of the month...

i wanted to feel renewed, refreshed but instead I'm feeling pretty hopeless. i am having one of my many body dysmorphia outbursts. i saw this ugly picture of myself in bad lighting last night at a party and immediately began having negative thought loops and an anxiety attack. i know that sounds really silly to people who don't have issues like this but for me... this just made me feel defeated and hideous. i was already feeling down and ugly because no one talked to me at the bar or club last night again... people almost never approach me and my friends tell me it's because im "unapproachable" but sometimes i wonder if this is just cope not to hurt my feelings. what if the only time i look decent is when i am extremely curated but im actually ugly? i see all my flaws intensely and i often think im hideous or mid at best, no this isn't fishing for compliments either I've never been mentally sound with my appearance and spent too much of my life actually being a 4 to the point where i have permanent damage to my self image and general mental state.

i think the people around me irl are awful at dealing with and helping me with my mental health issues. this morning when i was seeking some kind of solid answer my friend just would silently nod or just say something like "don't seek approval from others". my mother and i got into an argument and she raised her voice at me calling me shallow and saying my primary focus is my appearance but she chooses to live in lala land and refuses to recognize that your appearance determines your entire quality of life, especially when you are as poor as me. i literally have no escape out of poverty besides my appearance because in reality I'm not that bright. my mom doesn't understand my mental health state despite having a psychology degree. she doesn't have pcos like me and never struggled with her weight as a young woman, always had tons of friends and boyfriends, was voted prom queen and even had a modeling contract. how could she ever possibly understand how i feel or relate to me? i have quite literally lived most of my life as a femcel. i can count on one hand how many friends i have even now and didn't even kiss a guy until i was over 20.

just last year i started to get sort of attractive by losing weight, changing my makeup and hair and finally felt a little comfortable putting myself out there but I'm still terrified. i still don't go out much and i feel like i repel people. I've built a wall to protect myself from being hurt again. i might be prettier than before but i still feel the same inside and I'm still socially inept, so i still don't attract people. i really need therapy but i cant afford it. i have been intensely struggling financially this year and i could barely scrounge up a dollar today to pay for my change difference at Starbucks because i desperately needed to get out of the house. i feel intensely upset about the fact that i thought i had found the perfect job to work from home just for the guy to scam me and never pay me even though i worked in bed editing a book for him while i was sick with COVID so i could get it in on time.

i was working my ass off expecting some compensation i desperately need. i feel at a dead end, I've been applying many places but my nail school schedule fucks me and it seems no one really wants to hire me. i can't go until the spring like this, I'm drowning in debt. i am also not looking forward to going back to nail school because i don't like the other girls and i had some issues and the vibe is dead, it won't be fun anymore, it won't be the same. i get upset thinking about it because i feel unwanted. i tried to talk to my friend about this too and she still gave me no reassurance, just the same generic responses. i don't feel relieved or comforted. i suppose i should stop dumping my feelings on my friends but i feel hopeless and really depressed. i don't want to do anything, right now i don't even want to exist.

i just want a decent job and a good man next to me and a home of my own and to get the fuck out of Detroit and to get the surgeries i want and to be thinner and prettier and i want a therapist

[salyangozkadaryavasim]

Im in desperate need of a vent. Content warning for body dysmorphia down below.

I am not beautiful and have never been. Which I find hard to ignore in this beauty obsessed world. My world view is that I have one life to live, whether I'd like to spoil it by hanging onto things that I cannot change is up to me. Trying really hard not to think about this helps as long as I don't look at a picture, than my day is ruined. I know self acceptance journey is not linear, I know it is normal to have bad days.

I know this will sound entirely stupid and vain but I can't help but feel like everyone around me who are self conscious about their looks, are feeling the way they are because they have a real chance at being "conventionally attractive". Like they are attractive in their own rights and just want more people to see it that way, which is fair. But I can't help but feel mocked when they complain about their looks to ME, someone who will never have a chance without plastic surgery.

I also hate how everyone dismisses me, lying that I am beautiful just to be polite when I state that I know I'm ugly. I despise how they think that I'm saying it just to get them to tell me that. And what I hate the most is how there is still a part of me that wants to believe what they are saying. I feel useless crying about being ugly, like I'm in highschool again but I feel triggered everytime this happens. Only then I realise that this wound is still far from being healed.

[dumbdog-willbite]

Nsft vent again. Sorry for posting so much

Body dysmorphia shit tw, and sh tw

I go back and froth from wanting to rip myself to shreds and tear my skin off and destroy everything about me and just being horny and I just find myself so disgusting.

I hate how I look. Nothing feels right in this body. Vent taking down my fucking posts again for who knows what. I just hate how disgusting and ugly I look. I feel like I need to be something that can be seen as sexually attractive or I have no value or worth.

And I just... am ugly. And I don't say it to make people compliment me. I truly believe I am just ugly.

Weird nightmares and waking up in a panicked state and that still not making me feel repulsed by sex, instead making it worse. I just feel stupid.

I see no value or worth in myself unless someone wants me.

[memorymessage]

my body dysmorphia gets- just- completely uncalled for and out of control in my dreams sometimes

sometimes (often, sadly) i'll have dreams where any time i'm around people, everyone acts like i'm the most hideous, abhorrent creature—no one wants to talk to me, people subtly make fun of me, they speak over me or otherwise avoid me.

this did actually happen to me once in real life when i went to my first anime convention. but it might not be because they thought of me as some hideous creature—i was 13, and they were all 18-20 (i had to have my 18yo friend sign in as my guardian to even get into the event), and i honestly wouldn't want to hang out with a 13yo at 18 anyway.

but maybe some of them did think of me as fat and ugly. my friend's sister was 14, and they didn't treat her badly. she was actually who i was hanging out with most, before her friend got there. after he arrived, he started treating me like a freak as well, and my friend's sister stopped talking to me, too.

they were all really rude, and i literally did not have a choice in being a part of their group, since minors cannot be unattended. i would be lying if i said that one incident didn't damage my self perception irreparably. i felt so disgusting that whole day, i had to have my dad come pick me up early.

shortly after that, my ED started getting bad—i became underweight, and i got really good with hair and makeup. i still remember having thoughts like "i wonder if i went to back to that convention and ran into them again, if they would still treat me badly."

i just... i have a feeling i know the answer to that question. and it's part of the reason i have these types of dreams to this day.

but BDD feels like... it doesn't matter how much weight you lose, or how you do your hair or makeup. deep down, even unconsciously, you still think of yourself as that ugly, fat pariah. maybe they would have treated me better for being "prettier", but the damage was already done.

after i stopped doing hair and make up, gained weight, and started experimenting with gender identity, all those feelings came to the surface again. like i couldn't hide myself in an outward shield of being "conventionally attractive" with my fake face and fake hair anymore. any time i would go to a party, i would have this permanent unconscious awareness that i am the weirdest one in the entire room—i do not belong.

13 year old me sitting alone in a corner of a convention center floor while an entire group chats amongst themselves. that's who i am. that's where i belong.

at these parties in my late teens and early 20s, any time guys would show interest in me or try to hookup with me i would just think to myself "they're probably just desperate and going for the fattest, ugliest fish in the barrel because they think it's easier."

there was one guy that repeatedly showed interest in me and would go out of his way to hang out with me, hug me, talk to me, etc. and all i could think was "he probably has a bleeding heart and feels bad for me. the attention is just pity."

i still 100% believe all these rhetorics. to this day. i feel like i can't even hide my ugliness beneath makeup anymore. sure it makes me look better than my usual appearance, but... it's like putting lipstick on a pig.

and yes, social isolation has damaged me irreparably as well. i never have my poor self perception challenged. i think of myself like a freakish alien and am allowed to persist with that idea because i have no one to challenge it. i sit alone with my body dysmorphia and let my ideas of myself run wild—my features metaphorically warp until i'm a twisted amalgamation of a human with barely any humanity left in my countenance, and i don't have anybody there to ground me back to reality with a simple "you look nice today."

i've told myself so many times that i can't rely on the positive comments of others to heal my broken self perception—it puts too much power of validation in the hands of others. usually, that is how one deals with intense body dysmorphia, to not seek outward validation. but i am an isolated being—an anomaly to the standard of healing, because not only do i not have anybody to give a compliment here or there, i don't have anybody to simply perceive me.

see me, treat me as another normal person. just give me some sort of sign that i am not hideous.

my outings are so rare, i'm looking over my shoulder at my shadow to make sure it hasn't morphed into an amorphous creature on the rare occasions i do step out.

and yet...

it doesn't even matter.

what i do and how i live my life doesn't matter. it's never changed. nothing i have ever done has ever changed how i see myself—it didn't matter when i was spending 2 hours a day on hair and makeup, it doesn't matter now rolling out of bed with matted, thinning hair.

i will always hate myself

always