#i started writing this at like 11pm and its now 1am sorry i was watching a yt vid about pirates

[binniesthighs]

hi!! i rly liked your first writing it was so cute and you described jisung so well too! can i request a friends to lovers with han? kinda slow burn like they're really good friends but jisung gets jealous of her close friend and reader secretly likes him too but she doesnt wanna ruin the things between them so... one day they get into a fight and they end up making out😳 bc shes like "wtf we're friends" smut is ok but just a make out would be fine too the details r up to u💗

why yes you can! Thank you for requesting hehe you are my first ask ever  ♡ I hope that you like it, here’s some best friend ‘sungie for ya :)   

all yours | reader x jisung |

Paring: self-insert, female reader x han jisung

Genre: fluff ‘n a lil bit of smut & angst  

Tags: student!reader, bestfriend!jisung, lab partner!felix (haha), friends to lovers, mutual pining, best friend au, college au, jealousy, slow-ish burn, mentions of exams, some yelling, reader is secretly whipped for jisung (and jisung for the reader), explicit language, marking, that good good makin’ out

Word count: 2.4k

“Hey!”

The little ball of paper that you had crinkled up bounced off Jisung’s arm with a soft pat.

“What happened to studying together? You said that you were gonna quiz me.”

Jisung’s eyes popped up from his phone screen looking a little bewildered. “Sorry, I just...got a little distracted.

“Distracted? Looking at what?”

“Oh, nothing.” He placed his phone down, clicking it off.

“Is “nothing” code for some girl’s Instagram?” You dished him out a teasing smirk. “I think you forget that I know you better than you know yourself sometimes.”

Jisung shuffled the papers in front of him pretending like he had something to do. “Psh. I was not.”

“--Does she go to school here?”

“I told you, I said no.” He furrowed his brow trying to look as serious as possible, but that was nearly impossible for someone as naturally adorable as him. “Why are you drilling me? Aren’t you supposed to be doing some work right now?”

“~So are you~” You teasingly sang back to him, giving him a kick under the table just for good measure.

Jisung threw your balled up paper ball back to you. “Let’s just get back to what we were doing so we can leave. I don’t wanna end up like him.”

He nodded over to the end of your table where a student had fallen asleep mid-chapter. His nose twitched and he snorted a little bit. You knew exactly what Jisung meant, you didn’t want to be at the library at 11pm on a Tuesday either; it was your better judgement that told you.

“Can we get food after this?” Jisung asked after approximately five minutes of “working.”

“Sounds good to me.” You quipped, barely allowing your eyes to leave your computer screen. You found that you always had to try you best to let him not distract you. He was really good at that.

You slid a stack of index cards in front of him. “Ask me these? I’m having a hard time getting the Latin names down...if you’re not busy?”

“Nope!” He piped, and shoved his notebook away.

“Okay!” He said with determination and a little bounce. He fixed his oversized hoodie before starting, looking adorably lost in the fabric.

He asked you the first question, but it barely met your ears. There you were, getting distracted by him again.

screw you Han Jisung, you thought to yourself.

☆。*。☆。

“I just don’t understand how you make sense of all that crap, I could never be a science major like you are.”

“--And I could never understand production like you do.”

“And this is why we work.” Jisung grinned with smiling eyes while he opened the library door for you. “I’m starving, I can’t stop thinking about--”

“--Y/n??” A voice called from behind the two of you.

The two of you whipped your heads back to see a loveable looking blonde and freckled boy bounding to catch up with you. It was Felix, your lab partner from zoology. The two of you were nothing more than classroom friends, but his friendly kindness was always something that brightened up your terrible 9 am lab.

“Felix!” You beamed, holding the door so it wouldn’t close on him. “Are you here studying for the exam as well?”

“Oh yeah, I just...my brain couldn’t take it any more,” He sarcastically mimed his head pains, “I just need to get some sleep now.”

“I just don’t get how they expect us to know all of those phyla like its nothing.”

“I know right?’ He chuckled.

Next to you, Jisung silently poked at the elevator button to go down.

“Is it alright if I head down with you guys?”

“Of course!” You motioned him in.

Once the doors had closed, the three of you found a different corner of the small box to plant yourselves in.

“shit-sorry, Felix, I didn’t introduce you, this is Jisung.”

“Hi!” Felix shone, and Jisung gave him a curt nod back.

Felix waved to two of you goodbye, leaving you in the nighttime snow. You noticed that as Felix walked away he had a little bounce to his step; and you couldn’t help but crack a little smile.

“Our usual?” Jisung asked you with a little edge to his voice.

You linked your arm around his, letting out a little shrill sound when the fabric of your two coat sleeves met. “Sounds good to me!” You nuzzled up into him while both of your bodies’ heat intermingled.

The two of you walked on under the streetlights which illuminated the falling flakes in streams of light. You never loosened your grip, as had become your habit lately when the two of you walked around. Jisung never seemed to mind; the two of you had been mistaken for a couple more than enough times thanks to it. When it did happen, it didn’t phase you at all. Being close to Jisung was like second nature to you.

The whole walk over Jisung never uttered a word, which was uncharacteristic of his usual boisterous self.

“Is everything okay?”

He sniffled, “Yeah, I think I just got kinda tired out of nowhere.”

“Ah.” You mouthed, and squeezed his arm a little harder.

After a moment’s silence, he somberly announced, “If you’re in the same class as him, maybe you should study with him.”

“Huh.” You tsked. “Yeah, I mean I never thought about that before...I guess that could do me some good.”

You looked slightly up to him: a product of him being slightly taller than you. His brown eyes remained stoic, and you couldn’t figure out why. You hated it when he wouldn’t tell you what was wrong, but he was also stubborn at letting up.

“But thank you for helping me tonight! You know that I reeealy appreciate it.” You turned your tone as cutesy as you could--Jisung hated it, but you knew that it could bring a smile to his face.

His gaze softened a bit. “Anytime. You’d do the same for me.”

☆。*。☆。

Jisung rested his head on your shoulder on the bus ride home with his phone weakly held in his hand. One more bump in the road and you knew that it would go flying so you carefully took it into your own lap where it would be safe. You wouldn’t dare moving an inch because you had a feeling that he had closed his eyes. Time had slipped past 1am, and you had to keep fighting yawns yourself. The bus driver had been blasting the heat, so it wasn’t hard at all for you to feel cozy.

You glanced down at his open hand in his lap. It looked exactly like he was beckoning for you to scoop it up in your own. You wondered what what happen if you did. What would he think of it? Would he think anything of it? You had held hands before, but every time you had it had been under purely platonic pretenses. If you just grabbed it now, what would the pretenses be then? The two of you cozied up on a bus: that was something that couples did.

You shut your eyes closed tightly and tried your best to banish all the thoughts clouding your head.

Jisung’s hand twitched, looking even more inviting.

screw you Han Jisung.

☆。*。☆。

[7:14pm]

jisung: you want to come over? Changbin is cooking and i don’t wanna eat whatever he’s making alone

[7:31pm]

me: sorry, I’m studying with Felix at the library, I think that we are gonna be here late. It’s all the Latin, I’m drowning in the Latin, Sung.

I’m sorry.

see you Friday once I’m out of this hell?

[7:34pm]

jisung: see you friday.

☆。*。☆。

You pounded on the door to Jisung’s apartment with your phone in hand, the white screen showing you the number that you had worked so hard for.

“Open the door!” You called giddily. “Jisung! I know that you’re in here, we need to celebrate! ~I can treat youuu~”

Just as you were about to knock again, the door swung open, revealing a wet haired Jisung in his grey sweats and tee. His brown strands of hair were scattered around his head while he rubbed at them with a towel.

“Shit! Can’t I shower?” He jested.

It took all your will power not to ogle him more. He looked devastatingly handsome, but you swallowed down how utterly flustered he had made you.

You cleared your throat, “Uh...sorry...” then remembered your phone in your hand. “I got a 96! Can you believe it! I’m even surprised too, when I was taking the test I just got so nervous...”

“All that studying paid off huh?” He cockily rose an eyebrow. “You can go ahead and thank me now, without my help...” He shrugged with a grin.

You invited yourself in and threw your bag down at the door like you usually did.

“Thank youuu” You sung. “Oh! And studying with Felix really paid off too.” You took off your shoes, thinking of how nice it had been to finally study with someone who knew your class topics. Not that Jisung wasn’t helpful, but you and Felix were on the same page. “He knew it all way more than I did, so he was super helpful. I forgot to text him--”

Jisung closed the door behind you with a slam that made you jump. He moved away from you, not meeting your eyes. The air around the two of you suddenly became thick with something that did not feel as excited as you just were.

“...do you wanna maybe watch a movie?” You moved closer. “Or we could get some deliv--”

“--Why even bother coming over here?” Jisung suddenly huffed.

“What?”

Jisung’s words flew out of his mouth sharply, “If he was so helpful? What are you doing here, huh?”

“Jisung, I don’t understand...” Your heartbeat quickened in your chest and you felt anxiety swell there as well. Jisung never spoke to you like this. He never sounded like this.

He growled out a little sound in frustration. “I-I just...can’t believe you--”

“--Me? Jisung, what did I do?” You threw your arms up, genuinely confused.

He ran his fingertips over his temples and let out a deep exhale. “Y/n, don’t pretend like you don’t know what you’re doing.”

Your temper started to become seething and you felt your ears get hot. “Tell me Jisung. Tell me what I did. And while you’re at it, what has been up with you these past few days? Being short with me, and distant, yeah-I’ve noticed...what are you doing??”

Jisung heaved breaths in and out of his chest, then ran a hand through his hair. He still couldn’t meet your eyes.

For a moment, a flash of panic surged in your head, making your heart ache with an unexpected pain. You truly didn’t know what he had meant, and if you had made a mistake, you knew it could mean loosing him. God, that was the last thing in the world you wanted. It always was.

“If I did something wrong tell me because clearly I don’t know!!” You yelled back at him, straining your throat.

He walked up to you, then grabbed your shoulders with a firm grip. Finally, you saw his eyes, brown and soft, holding a type of pain that you hadn’t seen in him before.

screw you, Han Jisung.

“Jisung, I--”

You were shoved by the shoulders in milliseconds to the door behind you, the impact nearly knocking the wind out of you. You gasped in your surprise, but your mouth was immediately shut by Jisung ramming his lips into yours. His hands needily took your face into his palms with his mouth blazing with hunger for you.

It took you a moment to realize what had just happened and steady yourself after being so startled. His lips were so soft and warm, your brain had a hard time recognizing that he was really doing this. His haste made no indication of stopping so you let yourself do what you had wanted to do for years: you kissed him back with everything that you had.

As soon as you did so, he let out little desperate moans between your lips in response. You let your arms wrap around his back and he fell into them just right. Naturally you took one of your hands to the back of his head and tangled up your fingers in his hair. God, it all felt so good. Jisung snaked his arms around your waist and pulled you into him with force, crashing your hips together.

The two of you clumsily made your way to the couch where he threw you down and crawled over top of you just as fast. He moved to your neck then traversed around your skin, sending shivers all through your body. Your hands eagerly found his back where you dug into him, wanting to be impossibly close. To your side, he carefully took your hand in his, weaving all of your fingers together.

Jisung pressed down into you and began to suck at your neck without holding himself back. It was such an intense feeling that couldn’t help but moan out something you didn’t know you could. You felt his mouth turn into a grin on your skin while he continued. It stung a little when he removed his lips, but he gently kissed each mark as if he was soothing it once he was done. He stopped to admire the little array of purple bruises he had made.  

“I want you all to myself.”  Jisung’s voice was hoarse, but still honey-covered in desire.

“What are we doing?” You asked him in breathless disbelief.

“I’ve wanted to do this for so long.” He whispered, and appeared to calm his breaths. “I don’t care.”

"You don’t?”

“Why should I?” He cocked his head and used his free hand to caress your face.

“--That this could change things between us?”

“You don’t want it too?” He looked a little confused.

You felt a warmth rush to your cheeks.  “--No! I do, I do...trust me.”

“Then can I kiss you some more?” Jisung grinned down at you as loving as he always had, but this time it meant something slightly different.

“...please.”

He lowered back onto you, connecting your lips once more. Jisung’s tongue languidly smoothed onto yours and you already felt intoxicated by the feeling. You tightened your fingers around his.

I’ve always been yours.

[chrisevansszn]

THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE 🔺️

Word Count 1.4k

This is a story about you and Chris being coworkers, but it quickly becomes more than just that.

Another busy Monday for work. You are a defense attorney, and you have a slew of meetings today. This one with the firm. You get to work, grab some coffee, and head to your office. You begin going through your work emails. You look down at you watch, FUCK, you are late to your 9AM meeting! You rush out of your office and down the hall. Your boss and coworkers have already gotten started.

 

You quietly find a seat.

Damn, you forgot your notepad and pen for notes. You casually look around for both, and then the guy next to your hands you a couple of pieces of papers and a pen. You’ve never seen him before.

 

“Thank you”, you mouth. He smiles back. His smile is absolutely perfect. Who is this guy??

 

Your boss continues and you write down what you think is important.

 

“Before we wrap up this meeting, I want to introduce you all to our newest team member, Chris Evans.”, he says.

 

"Chris Evans hmmmm"...you think to yourself.

 

Chris introduces himself and gives a spill. He’s a Bostonian, been a defense lawyer for 10 years, loves what he does blah blah blah….

 

You look down at his left hand. No ring. Y/N what are you doing?? You’re married, hello!

It can’t hurt to look right?

 

Chris finishes talking and everyone says hello. He looks directly at you.

 

“Hi, I’m Y/N”, you politely say and stick out your hand. “Chris”, he replies with that million-dollar smiles. He grabs your hand gently and begins to shake it…and shake it…and shake it. You got lost in the sauce, and finally pull away.

 

“Welcome to the team. I can’t wait to see you in action”, you say.

 

“I appreciate that so much”.  You both stand up….still making eye contact.

 

Y/N get out of here now!

 

You walk out of the conference room, and head back to your office to check your emails again. Your job has glass offices, but they do have blinds if you want privacy. You see Chris walks by. His office is diagonal from yours. You can see each other perfectly.

 

Your phone begins to ring. Its your husband Noah.

 

“Hi, honey”, you say so excitedly.

 

“HI, baby. How is working going?”, Noah asks.

 

“Good, just got out of a meeting and checking my emails. How’s the work trip?”.

 

“Pretty good, we just landed in Seattle, and are headed to the hotel room. I am exhausted.”

 

“I know you are baby. You are an absolute hero for what you are doing with everything that is going on”

 

Noah is a travel nurse who is assisting with Covid 19. He left our yesterday and will be back Saturday. Although, what Noah is doing is for the better good, all of the traveling is putting a little strain on your marriage.

 

“I appreciate your support my love. I’m going to get some sleep before my night shift. I will call you later. I love you.”

 

“I love you Noah.” You hang up.

 

You have a court hearing in one hour. You finish up and head out. Court went decent. Your client is being charged with first degree murder. This case is going to be touch. It’s a lot of evidence that needs to be combed through and it’s honestly not looking the best for your client.

 

You get a text from the group at work, everyone is going out for drinks to celebrate Chris’ first day at 8PM. Yes! You love to go out, drink, and be social. That’s the one plus about Noah working out of town and working night shifts. You can party hard!

 

You text back and say you will be attending. You head home and finish the rest of your workday there. You and Noah just purchased your first home together. It’s cute and quaint, new built. It’s perfect for the two of you.

 

After hours of going through evidence. You realized its almost 7PM, and you need to get dressed. This celebration is going to be a local bar so casual it is. You put on some leather pants, a striped top, and some black boots. You freshen up your make up and head out after calling your Uber.

 

Everyone is already there, and drinks are flowing. It’s about eight people total. You all mingle, take shots, laugh louds, and dance. As the night goes on, coworkers begin to head out. At around 11PM, Kevin left. It was just you and Chris now. You both moved from the car to a small table in the corner.

 

You begin to ask questions and get to know each other a little more, growing up, college, favor court cases they had to endure. Great conversation, and then it gets a little more personal.

 

“I see you are married”, Chris says nodding towards your ring finger.

 

“Yes, I am. My husband and I have been together for about 5 years now, but we are newlyweds”.

 

“He’s not worried about you being out so late?”

 

“Late? It’s not even midnight Chris”. You both laugh.

 

“What about you? No wife or girlfriend?”

“No not yet. It’s hard when you work constantly”. He takes a drink of his beer.

 

You giggle.

 

“Noah, my husband, is a traveling nurse currently. He just left for Seattle for the week working with Covid patients”. 

Now Y/N, did Chris really need to know ALLLLL of that?  

“That’s why I am really not concerned about the time”.

 

Chris smiles. “Good, lets shut this place downnn.” He looks at the waiter. “Can you drink us four shots of tequila?”   The waiter nods.

 

“Four shots? You’re my kind of drinking buddy!”

 

You and Chris drink well into the night and finally leave when the bar closes at 1AM. You both call separate Ubers.

 

“Y/N, may I have your number so that I can make sure you made it home safely?”, Chris asks.

 

“Of course, and thank you. You’ll need it for work anyway.”, you are absolute hammered. You and Chris exchange numbers, and your uber arrives. He helps you to the car because you are stumbling.

 

“Please text me when you make it inside your home Y/N”

 

“Ok, I will”. Chris closes the door.

 

The uber ride was quick, but it took you a minute to unlock the door because you were so drunk. You get inside and take your clothes off and throw them on the floor, then crawl into bed.

 

Your phone rings. You have to sit up to find it. Its on the fucking floor. You crawl out of bed and answer it.

 

“Hello”.

 

“Y/N, did you make it home safely?”

 

You recognize the voice, its Chris. “Oh yes, Chris. I did. I am sorry I forgot to text.”

 

“That’s ok. I just wanted to make sure. Um, Y/N.”

 

“Yes….”

 

“You accidently turned on the facetime”.

 

Holy shit. You look down to see Chris with this hand over his mouth. The camera isn’t even on your face. It’s on your boobs, LUCKILY you didn’t take off your bra.

 

“Oh shit!” You bring your camera up to your face. You immediately start laughing out loud.

 

“I am so sorry!”. Your vision finally focuses, and you can see Chris sitting on this bed with no shirt on. He has chest tattoos! You can see an eagle on his right side, and some words on his left side. That shit was so fucking sexy.

 

“It’s no big deal. Get some sleep. I will see you tomorrow at work. Goodnight”

 

“Goodnight.” You hang up but couldn’t quite fall back asleep just yet.

You are thinking about your night with Chris. The conversation, his smile, just him.

 

You slide your hands down your pants and begin touching yourself. You insert your fingers into your pussy. A small moan comes out….” Oh Chris”……you moan. You sit up and retrieve your toy from the nightstand and turn it on. Up and down your clit. You back begin to arch. All you can think of is Chris eating your pussy. You just know he’s good at it!

 

You orgasm and then realize how hard you were breathing. There is no way this stranger is making you feel like this!

LET ME KNOW IF YOU ENJOYED THIS ONE‼‼💜

[justanotherfanfic]

Love on Me

summary: reader had an incident at steve’s birthday party and it takes an emotional toll on her for the night and the next day. the team notices and warns your dad. tony needs to do whatever it takes to make his daughter feel beautiful in her own body...

warnings: body shaming, anxiety, depression, slight eating problem

pairing: tony stark x plus size!teen!daughter!reader

word count: 3.8k+

a/n: this was requested! it’s currently 1am and i finally finished it! i’m so sorry i took so long, i just wanted to be sure that it would come out perfect! i was so excited to write this so i’m sorry if this is too long! as a 19-year-old plus size girl, i found this to be really personal. i have grown up with insecurities and self-doubt. this is a mini-lesson in itself that you need to love yourself. yes, you will have days where you hate your body and yourself, but if you truly think about it... everyone has different shapes and sizes, that’s what makes us all different and beautiful! please only positive words and feedback. i hope this is what you were hoping for!

requested by: @lilacprincessofrecovery - hi, i was wondering if you could make a dad!tony x teen chubby!daughter reader. ihavent seen anything like it and I would love to see how he would be able to help her like herself more

GROWING UP AS a Stark has its ups and downs. Not only are you one of the richest figures, but you are constantly surrounded by the pressure of the media. You were not like the other girls, the ones who can pass as supermodels. Your body was different than most girls and it caused the attention of the public. Magazine covers are always on the lookout for you and your body figure. Every little outfit was met with nasty remarks. Appearances were always met with backlash. No matter how hard you tried, the media always had something negative to say about you and your weight. It has taken an emotional toll on you the way you look at yourself.

You were always told by your father how ridiculous the media was. He would always explain their technique of mentally breaking top tier celebrities. He would tell you stories about how badly he was viewed by the public because of how the media portrayed him to be. Tony was either a playboy, dead man, idiot, criminal, or a reckless hero. It was always hard for you, you were the type who wanted to please everyone. It wasn't your fault that your body was different, you just had to deal with the overwhelming negativity from the public. Because of this, your dad and the team would constantly try to distract you from it.

You were currently flipping through the Chemistry textbook Peter let you borrow to work on the extra credit assignment given the day before. You sighed as you stared at all the formulas and equations that covered the pages. You munched on a few strawberries as your eyes wandered around the book while you took notes. You had FRIDAY play some music to help you concentrate on your study session. You hummed to the music when your dad came into the room with droopy eyes.

"Hey sweetcheeks," Your dad greeted in attempt to hide his tiredness.

"What time?" You responded as you copied an equation onto your notes. You knew by the way his eyes looked and how slow his movements were that he probably didn't sleep, and if he did, it was probably really late.

Tony sighed, "5am."

You looked up at him and gave him a look, "That's the third time this week, dad."

He shrugged, "It's growing on me."

"Daaaddddd...." You dragged on.

He chuckled as he walked up to you. He kissed your forehead before going to make some coffee, "For you, I'll go to sleep at 4am."

"8pm..." You countered as you took a bite of another strawberry.

"2am." He called back as he pressed a few buttons on the coffee machine.

You scoffed, "11pm!"

"12am."

"Deal!" You laughed as you rolled your eyes playfully.

"It's not my fault Banner discovered a new element!" Tony defended.

You groaned, "Great! Another element to study for this assignment."

Your dad laughed to himself as he grabbed a mug from the cupboard. He swiftly moved around the kitchen as he started to heat up some leftovers from the night before - Clint's famous spaghetti. It was silent for a moment, the only thing being heard was the music playing from FRIDAY's system. "We're having a party for Rogers tomorrow," Your dad spoke as he poured the hot liquid into his mug that plastered Best Iron Dad.

You nodded as you focused on your assignment. You were highlighting a few definitions before the book was closed shut by your dad. You looked up with an annoyed expression.

"That means you need to wear a nice dress... not some jeans and a nice shirt." He raised his eyebrow referring to how you often dress casually. "Do you want me to get Romanoff or Maximoff to take you shopping?"

You shook your head, "I'm sure I have something in my room already."

He simply nodded before walking off with his coffee on one hand and the spaghetti on the other.

"A dress!" He called again before completely disappearing from the room.

You sighed as you opened your textbook to continue with your assignment. Unfortunately, you couldn't concentrate. Your mind began rambling about Steve's party tomorrow. You groaned and slammed your textbook shut. You were never fond of wearing dresses, it was pretty much out of your comfort zone. You decided to cut your study session short and went to your room to find something to wear tomorrow night.

It was now Saturday night. You were on your residential floor getting ready as you felt the tower vibrating from the booming music only a few floors down. You found a beautiful burgundy dress that fit perfectly to your upper body and breasts. Spaghetti straps hugged your shoulders and exposed back, enough to leave it fitted comfortably. The dress loosely flowed down your legs where high slits were on each side of your legs that allowed your dress to flow beautifully around you. You danced along to the music in your room as you finished getting ready. You laughed to yourself knowing Tony would make fun on how ridiculous your dancing skills were.

"Miss Stark, your father is notifying you that the party has begun," FRIDAY's voice rings in the room. You smiled at her voice as you adjusted your dress. "Would you like me to notify him of an estimated time of arrival?"

"Yes," You confirmed. "I'll be down in about five minutes."

"Got it," FRIDAY responded as you cleaned the mess you made while getting ready.

Before you left your room you decided to take a look at yourself. You walked over to the body mirror that was hung on the door of your bedroom. You stopped what you were doing and stared in amazement. You felt your heart racing as you stared at the figure in front of you. Your face brightened, you felt beautiful. The dress complemented your body well and you felt your mood brighten up. You sprayed yourself with one of your fancier perfumes before you headed out your room and into the elevator.

Once the elevator brought you to the floor of the party, you felt the energy of many high-class guests. You thought that the party would have been more casual, but your dad insisted on giving Steve a formal party. You began walking deeper into the crowd of strangers, hoping to find an Avenger. After a while, you finally found your dad.

"You look gorgeous sweetheart," Your dad smiled before pulling you into a hug. You gave a small smile as you took in the smell of his more expensive colognes. He pulled away and took another look at you. "This is the exact reason why you need to be wearing dresses more often. You look beautiful."

You smiled and rubbed your arm, "I'm going to go get some lemonade. Want anything?"

Tony shook his head and gestured to the alcoholic beverage in his hand. You smiled at him before making your way to the bar. You sighed as you noticed everyone staring at you. You couldn't tell if it was judgmental or not. You finally made it to the bar and took a seat on the stool. Your eyes wandered around the list of beverages that were offered.

"Who let [Y/N] Stark come looking like a mess?" A voice whispered behind you. You felt your heart sting at the remark but decided to ignore it.

You smiled at the bartender, "Lemonade, please."

"Shocker," Another voice spoke behind you. "Try some water, it might help with your weight."

You didn't turn around. You knew if you did you would breakdown. Instead, your head fell down as you fidgeted with your fingers. You knew you should've never gone out of your comfort zone. You felt tears pooling around your eyes as your mind rambled on different ways to leave the party without anyone noticing. The bartender slid the glass over to you as you smiled weakly at them.

A hand was suddenly on your shoulder. You flinched before looking up at a smiling Peter Parker. His smile fell seeing your puffy, red eyes. "[Y/N] are you okay?" Peter questioned in concern.

You sniffed and quickly wiped your tears before putting a smile on your face, "As perfect as I can ever be. What's up, Parker?"

Peter observed you for a moment but decided not to comment. He plastered a smile on his face and took a sip from his cup. The music vibrated around the two of you as he explained his new invention for the suit and how excited he was to talk to your dad about it. You laughed while taking sips of your lemonade. You almost forgot about the remarks until you were shoved by someone behind you. You stumbled a bit before you regained your balance with the help of Peter. You looked behind you to see a slim, fit girl glaring at you, "Watch where you're standing fatass!"

You were taken back by the remark as you felt your smile drop. She scoffed before walking away to her group of friends. You felt Peter tense up and begin taking steps over to the group of friends before you stopped him.

You shook your head, "It's not worth it Pete."

He felt hurt at your words, "They can't be speaking to you that way. It's not right!"

You gave a humorless laugh, "Peter I've been called worse."

Peter frowned at you. You sighed and looked at the time on your phone, the bright light reflecting off of your facial features, "I- I'm going to head out. I don't feel so great." You lied; Peter knew this and it made him more upset than before. "I think it was the lemonade."

"[Y/N] please..." Peter pleaded as he held onto your hand. "C'mon, I think Thor is on his third magic alcohol now. Maybe we can get him to lend us his hammer for the night." Peter tried to change the topic in hopes to make you feel better.

You slowly pulled your hand away as you began walking away, "If my dad asks, tell him I felt sick."

You turned around and started walking out of the party as many people were staring at you with a judgmental look. You felt your breath shake with every step you took. You walked into the elevator and watch it close as Peter was looking at you from afar. You felt a tear fall down as you pressed the button that would take you to your residential floor.

Once you made it to your floor, you went straight to your room and threw yourself onto your bed and let all your bottled up emotions out. You felt like you were crying in your bed for hours. You were tired of all the backlash you were receiving. No matter how hard you tried, you were never going to win. You genuinely thought you looked beautiful, but apparently, you weren't. You continued crying until you drifted off to sleep.

It was the next day, you woke up and felt exhausted. You almost forgot about the night before until you felt yourself still in the dress from last night. You huffed and got undressed and washed your face. You got dressed in work out clothes and decided that today would be the day you changed your habits and lifestyle. You took a deep breath before heading down to the kitchen.

The team was all at the common room laughing up a storm as Wanda and Vision were finishing cooking the breakfast. You avoided everyone and silently went to the fridge and examined what there was. Wanda noticed your presence and smiled up at you, "Good morning [Y/N], will you be joining us for breakfast?"

You closed the fridge and looked at them, "I don't think so."

Vision looked up from the stove, "Are you sure? There's going to be pancakes, bacon, eggs, and toast. It's your favorite."

You felt your stomach growl. Vision and Wanda smirking at you. You blushed but shook your head, "No I'm fine." You walked over to the fruit basket and grabbed a banana and a water bottle from the side. You gestured to the banana and walked out of the kitchen. Vision and Wanda gave each other a look before finishing the food.

When you walked out of the kitchen you noticed Peter was laughing with Bucky about a story he was recalling from the 40s. You both made eye contact for a second before you quickly tried to leave the room. You noticed he was getting off of the couch and tried making his way to you. You walked faster towards the elevator and hit the button that leads to the training level. You sighed to yourself and relaxed once the elevator doors closed.

You were finally brought to the training room. You walked over to the treadmill and felt intimidated. You hated running with a passion, so instead, you walked over to the punching bags and decided to take baby steps on your new workout routine. You put on the gloves that were next to the station. You put the banana and water bottle to the side and adjusted yourself before you started your workout.

Your first punch felt great. A sudden rush of adrenaline kicked inside of you. You continued punching rapidly, all your anger and anxiety releasing from you. You felt your body beginning to feel the amount of movement you were making. Sweat was beading around your body and face as your face was getting flushed. It was a little over an hour before footsteps were heard.

"What did the punching bag do to you?" A voice called out.

You jumped in surprise and noticed it was Steve. You didn't respond and continued to punch. Steve laughed to himself before walking over to the punching bag. He used both of his arms to hold it steady and help your training get better. You felt your body flushing from the lack of food and water but ignored it. You wanted to let all the energy you had to help you sweat as much as you could. You continued punching as Steve now noticed the look on your face, you looked angry and upset. You felt your body getting weaker but you didn't want to give into the weakness. As you were about to take another punch, your legs gave out. You felt yourself starting to fall but you were too weak to catch yourself.

"Woah!" Steve gasped and caught you before you could fall. "[Y/N] are you okay?!"

You felt your face brighten up in embarrassment. You shook your head in an attempt to gain consciousness, "I'm fine." You began getting up as Steve helped you up and observed you.

"You're not fine," He responded. "Have you eaten?"

You looked over at the unopened banana and water bottle. Steve looked over as well and shook his head in disapproval, "You need to eat. You're harming yourself."

"I said I was fine," You glared and grabbed your things and tried walking away.

Before you could take another step, Steve grabbed your arm. "[Y/N] what's wrong?"

"Nothing!" You shouted in anger as you pulled your arm away. "What, I can't work out? Never seen [Y/N] Stark work out? Is that what it is?!"

Steve was taken back by your outburst. You huffed and immediately left the room before you said something you'd regret. You felt your hands shaking from anger as a tear slipped down your cheek. Steve saw you wipe it before you completely left the training room.

It was later on during the day, you were now avoiding Peter and Steve. You decided that you would have to resort to the facts and experiments to help you fix your body. The best place to gain this information is from the lab. You had cleaned yourself up already and ended up eating the banana in your room while you cried. You walked into the lab to see Bruce working on writing all the information he could gather on the element he discovered a couple of days ago.

"Hey [Y/N]," Bruce greeted as you smiled and went to the back of the room. He noticed you went straight for the files which grew his curiosity. "What are you looking for?"

"Something for my extra credit assignment," You lied.

Bruce didn't question further as he continued on his work.

You decided that you wanted to study the human body and why each person's body is different. You were flickering through different files from Bruce's cabinets. You sighed in relief when you found the file on Dieting and Human Emotions.

"Well," Bruce called.  "I'll be upstairs with the team if you need me."

You didn't respond, too focused on the file in front of you. Bruce quirked his eyebrow but didn't comment on it. He then walked out of the lab, leaving you alone. You were reading each report, article, and experiments done for that file. You were frustrated that you could not find the answers you needed. You stared at the picture of a young girl who had the perfect body shape. You would never be as beautiful as all the other teens. Tears pooled around your eyes, tears beginning to fall on the image in your hand. You cried as you ripped the paper of the girl. The dream body you wanted.

"I am reading your heart rate spiking up," FRIDAYs voice echoing in the room. "Shall I call Mr. Stark?"

"No!" You called out in fear. "Don't call dad!"

You set the file down on the table next to you as you quickly started grabbing the bits of paper that were scattered on the floor. FRIDAY ignored your requests and immediately called your dad down. FRIDAY's voice boomed in his room making Tony jump in surprise. He then felt terrified thinking something wrong was happening to you so he ran towards the lab. Once he made it inside, he saw you crying on the floor picking up pieces of ripped paper off of the ground. He slowly walked over to you and saw a file on the table with articles, sticky notes, and pictures poking out from it.

Tony grabbed the file and read the title - Dieting and Human Emotion. Tony sighed as he felt his heart ache for his daughter. He now realized why Peter said you were crying last night, why Vision and Wanda said you were avoiding breakfast, why Steve questioned why you had an outburst in the training room, and why Bruce mentioned you were in the lab. He was looking for you throughout the day to talk to you but he had no luck. He was grateful for FRIDAY alerting where you were. You looked up after hearing Tony sigh. You felt vulnerable after being caught looking through Bruce's files and feeling insecure about it all.

"[Y/N]?" Your dad questioned and finally felt his overprotective father instincts kick in. "Is this what Peter was trying to tell me last night? Did someone say something to you? Is that why you skipped breakfast? Is this why you yelled at Steve? Who the hell is hurting you-"

"There's something wrong with me!" You finally cried out and interrupted your dad. Your dad was taken aback by your statement. Did you really hate your body and yourself? He couldn't believe it. His own daughter hated herself.

"Sweetheart there is nothing wrong with you!" Tony brought himself to the floor pulled you into his chest.

You cried into his chest as you shook your head, "Then why does everyone always have something to say about me and my body?"

Tony knew this was something out of his knowledge. Typically a mother should be the one to assure his teenage daughter about the beauty of womanhood, but Tony had no idea about it. Being a single father was always different for Tony, there were always new things to learn and overcome with his daughter. Today was just another part of it - helping his daughter love herself, just as he loved her.

Tony looked down at you. "Real beauty isn't about symmetry or weight or makeup; it's about looking life right in the face and seeing all its magnificence reflected in your own," Tony whispered as he used his thumb to wipe off your tears from your cheek.

You felt yourself smile before looking down to yourself. You examined yourself for the hundredth time that day. Your dad shook his head before slightly moving your head to look into his eyes.

"[Y/N]," Tony sighed. "You are whole already, perfect the way you are. Your whole being is so much more complex, so much more fragile, so much more subtle and intelligent than a few days of dieting or a page of notes can portray. Reducing your self-worth to your weight is ridiculous and lethal."

You felt your tears welling up, you started to get overwhelmed by your strong emotions of yourself and how unhappy you were with how you looked.

Tony grabbed your face with both of his hands. You leaned yourself into his touch, you felt your nerves going down a little. Tony continued, "I'm not trying to sound harsh, I'm trying to show you that you can love yourself without worrying about everything you eat. You are worth more than your weight. You have a heart, mind, and soul that can change the world. You are a Stark, nothing will ever change that. I love you 3000." He then leaned in and kissed your forehead, your left cheek, and right cheek.

You leaned into the touch, "Not 4000?"

"I was thinking 5000 but that might be a stretch."

You laughed and playfully hit his chest. Tony laughed with you then looked down at you. You smiled as Tony ran his fingers through your hair to help you relax and enjoy the moment.

"Now, let's go upstairs and join the team for some lunch?" You dad offered. You breathed out and nodded. "Great! It's my turn to cook and I could use the help."

You groaned, "Child labor!"

Tony shook his head as you both began walking towards the common room, "I'm not going to let my daughter be a freeloader. Gotta earn it!"

You laughed, "But you love me, 3000!"

"Yeah you're right," He responded and kissed your hair as you both went into the kitchen to start cooking.

Tony knew that he had to do whatever he needs to do in order to make his daughter feel loved. He knew this may be difficult but he will always be there to help you see how truly beautiful you were in his eyes and everyone else's. He smiled when he saw you laughing at a joke Natasha said at the table. Tony was ecstatic seeing your smile and never wants it to go away. He loved you more than anyone could ever comprehend.

[yoyozii]

29/04/2018 - 1st day of my year 21

So, my 21st birthday has ended, it was a chill day with some disappointments but overall I can say I have enjoyed it. It’s currently 2:18am 30/04/2018 here, I feel kind of lonely and I want to reflect my last year so I thought why not use Tumblr and start a diary. This is the first time I have done something like this, I don’t know if this will be a consistent thing since I have exams in around 3 weeks but I will just write as much as I can for the time being and see how this goes. I don’t think many people will read this or even no one will ever read this but I want to write this for myself. If you do and managed to get to the end, I just wanted to say thank you for your time, I appreciate it a lot and sorry if my writing is bad!  

I have a friend (Raphy) whose birthday is one day before mine so we’ve decided to celebrate together over the weekend, it was a nice night, we drank and chatted in Wetherspoons, I’ve made some new friends, had a nice conversation with a girl I’ve never met before, talked about our pasts and University-related stuff, I felt pretty good about myself. Around midnight, We went to the club, some people have left to go home (including the girl), I’m not a clubbing type of person but since its technically my birthday I went as well hoping it will be fun, it started slow, almost kind of awkward... but eventually it got better and I stayed until 3:15am and decided I’m too tired and want to go home so I left on my own and got the bus back. I enjoyed it but I was mostly looking forward to the dinner I’m going to have with my friends on my birthday, I had a steamboat machine and wanted to host a hot pot dinner party, but not many people were committed and end up doing something else, including my best friend (A good friend I met at University, Tom), I brought the steamboat machine to Raphy’s university house, it was awkward knowing that most of them won’t be there but I stayed and we played on the switch for a bit, it was a cooking game and I was terrible at it. After the switch game, people left to go to the cinema, I didn’t want to join because of I will feel stupid and a waste of time since I don’t have my glasses with me, but since Raphy isn’t going either we decided to use the steamboat machine and have a mini hotpot dinner. It was very nice, Raphy made a Korean style soup base and we had hot dogs, spam ham, fish tofu, kimchi with noodles, then we had some of Raphy’s cake as dessert, it was extremely filling and made the day a lot nicer. I then went back home carrying my steamboat machine... haha... By the time I got home, it was already nearly 11pm, I cleaned up my kitchen and just chilled on the sofa watching Youtube, then I tidied my room, got a shower and my 21st birthday has ended.

Now this is a reflection of what happened during my year 20, it's going to be long but I will just focus on the most ‘memorible’ parts. It started with me studying for my exams since May and June are exam periods in the UK, I procrastinated a lot and talk to my now ex-girlfriend every day, she was everything to me, I wanted to do well at University to impress her and she has given me a lot of mental supports, I did the same to her and want her to do well too, it was a very supportive relationship and we looked after each other. Fast forward to summer, we met up once a week to go out and spend times with each other, she went on a trip to America/Canada for a month with Contiki, once she got back we met up few times and then I went on a trip to China for two weeks the time zone difference didn’t stop us from communicating and I made me love our relationship even more. When I got back new year of University starts, she goes to University in the same city as me and I have never felt so excited about University, It has been a while since we spent a good amount of time together and we have never slept over at each other’s place before, it was amazing but also weird at the same time since I have never had a girl sleeping that close to me on a single bed, it was kind of uncomfortable but we have some amazing times and just sleep once we got very tired of doing stuff... haha, then we met up a lot more often at each others place, I love cooking for her and adore her smiles whiles eating my food, sometimes we ate out together went to a house party and introduced her to my course mates etc. Fast forward two months, things got rough, pressure from University and my mum (My mum didn’t think she is good enough for me... we had a lot of arguments and broke up with my now ex-girlfriend once because of her), I started to become insecure and unreasonable, I failed to meet her expectations of me and eventually we decided it’s time for us to break up, it was hard to make that decision but the reality made it seem like the best choice or the easiest choice for both of us, I thought I played the better man by letting her go, I kept telling myself if I love her, her happiness should be my priority but it ended up with me constantly battling with myself every day, I ended up depressed, unmotivated and in a complete mess. I ignored University, skipped all my lectures, did my coursework by copying or worked together with my friend, I just wanted the semester to end really. Then I took my exams around January, I was lucky enough to get an average grade and told myself that I’m going to do better for the second semester. But me being me, I carried on skipping lectures, but I was a lot more positive during semester 2, I picked up drawing and experimented with new things such as Kpop, I studied during the times I skipped my lectures in a coffee shop, the atmosphere was great in there. Then I went to this Korea society event with Raphy and Tom, had a good time, went back to Raphys house and we cooked and ate and had some fun playing on the switch, I honestly thought to myself, ‘damn I’m really enjoying life now’, I then left Raphy’s house around 1am in the morning and what happened after has completely destroyed me again...

p.s it's getting very late in here now and writing this has really made me forget about the time, it was surprisingly chill but I need to sleep and get into a habit of waking up early so I will continue this tomorrow as writing as much as possible, thank you very much for reading!

[jadehqknb]

A random belated Aomine birthday scenario appears!

I know it’s a couple days late and during my AU event, but I wasn’t able to touch base with @hiding-from-senpai (time zone differences I think) until a day after Aomine’s birthday and didn’t get my butt around to writing this until now. I didn’t remember until after I finished that she was supposed to be his best friend so they ended up more acquaintances from their early days but since it’s almost 11PM and I don’t want another day to go by I kept it as it is. So, happy belated birthday Aomine!

Here’s what she requested when I proffered her with the question of what she’d like to read for Aomine’s birthday since he’s her bae: We read in canon that Aomine likes writing his memoirs. In this request, he is already working as a detective. Can we please have an excerpt from a chapter that he had just finished writing some hours after his birthday has passed (ex. 1am). The subject matter of his entry has to do with recounting events, specifically his trying to do something major before his birthday — something that he isn’t sure of to challenge himself. The challenge he set for himself was to confess to this fem!bestfriend whom he had a crush on since highschool but he never got the courage to confess because he always thought she was out of his league. He’s had two failed relationships and some flings and decided he’s had enough. Please include how he confessed and her reaction. He also remarks how this is his greatest victory.

Memoir entry August 31st

I’m not sure what time it is, late no doubt, or early if I’m being honest. Ever since getting this job, I feel both more and less observant. More to the things that matter to catch the bad guys, less to my everyday life because I’m just always so damn tired. Ironic, really, for a detective as good as I am to miss so many of the clues.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Today (or yesterday really) was a day built for reflection. For consideration of where I’ve been, what I’ve done and unsurprisingly of where I’m going. Birthdays will do that to you, draw up not only the joy of being alive but the reminder that you’re one year closer to the end, one year closer to the conclusion of your story and doesn’t everyone want to make it a good one?

I thought I’d found the secret to a happy, uncomplicated life. I started out seeking some fulfillment in coupling up only to find it almost impossible given the strain of my job. Most people aren’t cut out to date a cop, especially one who’s focused on making detective.

I guess those two gave it their best shot. I know I’m not the easiest person to get along with on a good day but add in the stress of training, reports and chasing assholes and well…I become one pretty damn fast.

But sleeping around wasn’t helping either, just adding angry texts and crazy bitches pounding at my door because they couldn’t get it through their stupid heads there wasn’t anything deeper going with them than a rough fuck.

Now though…now I’ve finally met my match. Or rather, I’ve become reacquainted with her considering we’ve known each other through high school. ______ has always been my yard stick for measuring women, none really being able to hold a candle to her and that’s where my problem lay. She saw through all my bullshit so plainly that she scared me. She was almost if not more perceptive than Satsuki and that wasn’t something I was ready to deal with.

That and she’d most likely have laughed in my face if I ever did confess. Why would someone as good as her ever want to be with someone like me?

But this year, I decided enough was enough. I’ve arrived, top of my unit and continuing to rise but now, now was the time to look at the other areas of my life I’ve neglected for so long. I don’t know how I’ve managed to keep my friends but it was good to see them at my birthday dinner.

It’s weird as fuck to see Midorima married to his high school sweetheart and that Kagami actually made it in pro ball. Akashi’s kids look just like him, creepy little fuckers, but Mursakibara hasn’t changed a bit and that’s strangely comforting. Satsuki finally nailed Tetsu and they’re getting married next year. Only Kise couldn’t be there because of a job but he sent a kick ass bottle of scotch to make up for his absence.

I’ll have to send him one hell of a thank you in return because it was that bottle that provided the opportunity to talk to _________ again. After the dinner, I ran into her randomly in the parking lot and we started talking. She just moved back and is looking for a job. Our conversation led to the reason of my being where I was and when I mentioned it was birthday she smiled brightly.

“I’ll have to buy you a drink,” she exclaimed.

“No need, I’ve got some right here,” I answered showing her the bottle. Then after a second added, “My place isn’t too far, care to come over for a shot?”

And that’s how we ended up on my couch, catching up on all the years we’d been apart. She moved to Australia to continue her studies and had me rolling with laughter at all her crazy ass stories from that place. One shot turned to two and then three. I could feel the alcohol loosening my inhibitions and quelling my nerves. It’s probably not advisable to confess to your long-time crush while buzzed but it’s what I did, spitting out randomly, “You know I had a huge crush on you in high school right?”

She giggled, a sweet sound I always want to hear. “Really? And here I thought you hated me!”

That got my attention like a bucket of cold water to the face. “What do you mean? How could you think I hated you?”

She stuttered slightly, cheeks turning pink and I know it wasn’t from the scotch. “We-well, you avoided me a lot. Like, you never seemed to want to talk to me. Not that you really talked to anyone that much but with me, it just…felt like you were avoiding me on purpose.”

“Shit, I…really?”

She laughed again, downing another shot then shrugging her shoulders looked me in the eyes. “Yeah, I mean, I thought maybe the bentos would help clue you in but you never said anything. And every time I went to a game it’s like you didn’t even see me.” She looked away to the fire place, its flickering flames dancing on her face. I was startled to see glistening trails of tears on her cheeks as memory of those days took hold. She shook her head, wiping them away quickly. “Sorry, old scars. I don’t want to be a downer on your birthday, Aomine-kun, so I’ll get going.”

She stood but I grabbed her wrist tugging her back down practically in my lap pulling a startled squeak from her lips which my eyes locked onto. Leaning forward I whispered, “I wanted you so bad it hurt but I…I couldn’t…you were too good.” Closer, breaths mingling, I could feel the thrum of her pulse against my fingers. “Honestly, I never stopped wanting you, still do as a matter of fact.”

“Aomine-kun, I think that’s the scotch talking.” Her tone tried for light, hand pressing against my chest to push away but I wouldn’t let her go, not when I finally had her in my arms.

“I’m not drunk, and I’m not saying these things because I feel bad, although I do, I was an asshole to you and I’m sorry. But I’m saying these things because they’re true. I…I want you, _______.”

Her eyes searched mine for what felt like an eternity but finally, finally she moved forward and touched her lips to mine. They were petal soft, warm and sultry, everything I’d imagined but better. The kiss went from sweet to heated quickly, unsurprisingly because I’m an impatient bastard. Her mouth tasted faintly of the scotch but was ten times more intoxicating.

I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun making out with someone in my life.

And now I’m here, watching the rise and fall of a blanket where she lies encased in the warmth of my bed. I’ve accomplished a lot in my life, but being given a place in ________’s heart to call my own, is the greatest victory I’ve ever known.  

Best. Birthday. Ever!

[bybrookeleigh]

Hannah, i’m glad your last words were sorry, because so am i

Some of the greatest writers say you can only write what you know. Some artists say you can only make work from what you know. Well, this is what I know, this is what happened to me. Hannah, this story is for you -

I was looking for something to watch one Saturday evening. Always a little behind with the trends, it wasn’t a surprise I had heard absolutely nothing about the long awaited, new series on Netflix. I knew nothing of the content’s history, nothing about the narrative. For me, pressing play on ‘13 Reasons Why’, was like tumbling down the rabbit hole. I was as mentally, emotionally and physically unprepared as little dear Alice was. But this was no wonderland, although it did leave me wondering.

The story is clever. The narrative unravels in the most carefully constructed and thought out ways. The cinematography is striking. The actors’ commitment to their roles, and their ability, is nothing short of profound.

I was drawn in at 5.30pm on April 1. Within five minutes, I had messaged a close friend to tell her how incredible this new series I had just discovered was. I was immersed, from the very beginning. Episode after episode. At first I am struck by the idea of a love story. Slowly, it is revealed that nothing is at all what it seems.

Hannah begins to spiral, and so do I.

Image: 9.44pm Broken, Instagram post by @brookeecarlson, 29 March, 2017. The story draws attention to and raises awareness of the seriousness of teenage bullying, and, suicide. These are issues which are not spoken about enough, and to attempt to break down the stigma is brilliant. It is inspiring, and motivating to see. Now, where does the stigma surrounding mental health lie? In our generation, we are fortunate to have begun to break the code of silence, which seems to have buried mental health for some time. I have only just myself realised that it is OKAY to say “I do not feel well today” in reference to my mental health, rather than only using it in reference to physical health. One of the crucial issues with ‘13 Reasons Why’, is the portrayal of the relationship between bullying and suicide. There appears to be a crucial missing link between the two, an unidentified void, which demands attention. Alice didn’t open the tiny door to the secret garden, without growing and shrinking multiple times, and almost drowning in a sea of her own tears. Now, I will say here: I am not a psychologist. I am writing from and of my experience: how I felt, how I feel. I speak from my own experience of mental health struggles, and what I have learnt through my own psychotherapy and personal research. I am an artist and an academic researcher working within the field of Fine Art. Over the past five years, I have dedicated my research to exploring the unconscious (repressed memory and emotion) with a growing interest in psychoanalysis. Five days after I watched the thirteenth episode of ‘13 Reasons Why’ I had a session with my psychologist. Driving home from the clinic, I found myself questioning, and trying to piece it together. My thought process was this: Hannah killed herself. Because she was depressed? No. Bullied. Because she was bullied. Hannah killed herself because she was bullied. Need I say more? In ‘13 Reasons Why’, the issues surrounding mental illness are not discussed. The ability which mental illness has to affectively change a person’s cognitive behaviour is not portrayed, demonstrated or explained. Throughout the thirteen cassette tapes, we hear Hannah’s recount of events through spoken word, and are provided with glimpses of significantly graphic visual imagery. We seem to receive fragmented abstracts Hannah’s suffering, but only through the sequence of incidents and events. But what is happening inside Hannah’s head? How does she mentally progress towards the suicide solution? What is happening in her day to day? Where is her struggle? Where is the depression? The symptoms? Everything still feels extremely internalised. Everything is extremely internalised. Serena Smith interrogates the series in her article, “13 Reasons Why is an insult to anyone with mental health issues.” She questions: “Where’s the numbing lethargy? Where’s her losing interest in her appearance? Where’s the self-harm Where’s her recovery?” (Smith: 2017) How did Hannah reach that point of suicide as solution? Especially as suicide is the most inhumane act that one can do.  My psychologist asks me during our session: “How did you feel after watching that last episode?” My response: “I couldn’t get the visual image out of my head. It kept playing over and over. It was unbearable to watch, but it made the act of suicide look so easy.” This is an awfully disturbing thing to hear, to hear myself say. The words had left my mouth before I could even comprehend them. Hannah’s suicide wasn’t easy to watch, but she appeared to do the act so simply, as if it was just on the end of her to do list (which it literally was). Even as I type this now, it feels unfathomable to write, to process. But that is how I felt. And this is the point. ‘13 Reasons Why’ has to be accountable for the effects it produces and how it causes some people to feel. And if my experience can be of any evidence, it is that ‘13 Reasons Why’ is extremely triggering. Executive producer, Selena Gomez claims that her intention and reasons for showing such realistic visual depictions of suicide and sexual assault was to confront viewers (especially teenagers) to make them realise the seriousness of it. But this visual confrontation has the potential to make viewers do more than just recognise the seriousness of bullying, suicide and sexual assault. The show needs to take responsibility for the headspace it leads the audience into, and where it leaves them. ‘13 Reasons Why’ presents the reality of a situation, but does not suggest or show how it can be rectified. It does not give any other possible solution or alternate ending. So what if you are a Highly Sensitive Person, like myself? Where does that leave you? Did you know it is actually possible for someone to experience a degree of trauma through hearing a traumatic incident described to them, let alone visually experiencing one? This is something which my psychologist explained to me months ago, and now I understand exactly what she meant. So how was I affected? I watched the series over an eight day period. (I am not usually one to binge on series - I keep my television watching to a minimum, so that in itself says something.) The further I delved into Hannah’s story, the more I began to think about it, think about her. From driving in my car to university, to running at the gym to trying to focus on my Masters thesis. I was immersed, in her story, I knew that, but little did I know subconsciously I was beginning to immerse in my own. I was immersed to the point where I felt as if Hannah were real. At one point, I almost turned to the girl next to me in my gym class to tell her, “you look like my friend Hannah.” (And I do not suffer from psychosis). I was triggered. And this psychological trigger induced physical symptoms. I finished the final episode at 1am on Saturday 7th of April. That weekend, over a three-day period, I struggled. I couldn’t get out of bed. I slept fourteen to fifteen hour days. I skipped university. I felt despair. I felt empty. I felt numb. I felt alone. I felt as if I were only the shell of an existence. The visual imagery of Hannah’s suicide scene kept playing over, and over in my mind, like a broken record on repeat. It was stuck. I was stuck.  As an artist, I am constantly writing - thoughts, notes, ideas. When the compulsion or sensation of thought is so urgent, I write it in ‘notes’ in my iPhone. Over the weekend, post finishing the series, this is what I wrote:  8 April 2017, 10.39pm: E is for empty. 8 April 2017, 11:11pm: This sadness is isolating / And this isolation is sad / Thus continues the circle of life 9 April 2017, 1:47pm: Today is painful I do not suffer from depression, but these thoughts obviously exemplify depressive feelings. 

Images (above): Screenshots of notes written between 8 April 2017, 10.39pm and 9 April 2017, 1:47pm. According to my psychologist, I was affected so severely because I had identified so strongly with Hannah. But why did I identify so strongly? I do not struggle with suicide idealisations, nor have I experienced sexual assault. Apparently, that wasn’t all that was on the criteria for being triggered by this series. Why did I think it was? Because the warnings displayed alert graphic depictions of “violence and suicide” and “rape and sexual assault.” Evidently, this was not enough. (And don’t even get me started on the fact that warnings are only displayed before three episodes of the series). What was enough, were the feelings of despair, hopelessness, lack of control, loss of sense of self, failure, emotional neglect, cruelty, feeling like a burden - like you are not good enough, not in control. These were enough, enough to trigger me. And so, I learnt it wasn’t about identifying with the physical incident (albeit rape or suicide), but what the incident represents. “It’s not about the sex per se its about the fact that, you’re a person who is breached, about being powerless, things that have been happened to you and affect you but there is nothing you can do about it - there is no fight,” my psychologist confirmed. I wasn’t triggered just because I am a highly sensitive person. I was triggered because of my background. A background formed by experiences which took place fourteen years ago.

Now, fortunately, I am in a reasonably stable headspace where I am able to identify triggers, and eventually take control. I have a standing history with a psychologist, $165 in my bank account and the ability to schedule an appointment when needed (such as after experiencing ‘13 Reasons Why’). I have already endured eight months of psychoanalysis, and begun to learn how to manage my mental health. Would a teenager be in the same position? I highly doubt it. It took me until twenty-six to work through my own personal childhood traumas, and discover my sense of self. I deeply fear how a teenager amidst suffering and traumatic experience may respond to this series.

Facebook comments responding to Lucinda Price’s article published on pedestrian.tv share the same concerns:

“This show fucked me up and i’m 28. Thought I had a good handle on my mental health. This was confronting as shit.” “I’m 32 and have been told not to watch it because it may act as a trigger.”

Image: Facebook comments responding to Lucinda Price’s article, “Headspace Issues Warning Over Depiction of Suicide in ’13 Reasons Why’” published on pedestrian.tv Yes, Hannah blames others for what happened to her. And, yes, those people are responsible for their actions, and the consequential hurt they caused her, but they CANNOT be accountable for Hannah’s death. Hannah could have spoken out, confronted her friend about how hurt she was by their friendship falling apart, opened up to her parents, but the fact is, she didn’t. Now, isn’t this the point? That Hannah didn’t know how to. So if Hannah’s suicide, to me, felt like it was just the last task on her to do list in mind, what does that say about the solution? Because once the last forty-nine minutes of the series is over, I am left feeling as if there was, and is, no other solution. I’m sorry, did I miss how Hannah could have rectified her ending? In “Headspace Issues Warning Over Depiction of Suicide in ‘13 Reasons Why,’” Lucinda Price writes that the series ‘romanticises suicide,’ which is one of the reasons why Headspace has released warnings about the series (Price: 2017). Well, I whole-heartedly agree with this statement. The way in which Hannah reveals her reasons through spoken word, over the span of thirteen cassette tapes, for why she took her own life is poetic. And if one is so caught up in the poetics of the story, which leads to suicide as a solution, then a romanticised idealisation of suicide is, unfortunately, possible. The directors may have had the intention to provide a sense of support and resources to viewers that may be struggling by producing an additional episode entitled, ‘13 Reasons Why: Beyond the Reasons’, but even then, there is still a flaw. ‘Beyond the Reasons’ is meant to play automatically after viewing the thirteenth episode (which displays a very vivid and graphic suicide scene). Now, what happens if you do not stay around until the credits have finished, like myself (because lets face it how many of us do)? What if you, are so disturbed after viewing that last episode, that you decide to google the series, read an article that mentions ‘Beyond the Reasons’ so you go back to the last episode, wait for the credits to finish and still nothing happens (to which you then realise that your Netflix user settings ‘automatically play next episode’ are switched off)? Well then, you perhaps miss out on one of the most vital components of the series, and you, once again find yourself in the dark. And - yes, perhaps one needs to be responsible for their own sensitivity, and therefore not enter into a narrative like ‘13 Reasons Why’, but just like Hannah, I was affected long before the suicide scene (and other highly graphic incidents). Here I will pose the question again: what about the teenagers? I wasn’t aware of myself, let alone my own highly sensitive nature until I was twenty-five. Do we really expect teenagers to know thy self? My psychologist admits that teenagers process differently: “Teenagers don’t have the capacity to extrapolate” from the series and think: “okay, so what is the lesson here? We should really talk to adults. We should really seek the help. We should really go and get diagnosed with mental health issues so we can treat and learn to manage. - for example, get therapy or be on medication.” From a psychologist perspective the series is educational. But what is it educating? We need to learn not only to be OPEN, to SPEAK, to VOICE, but how to. ‘13 Reasons Why’ shows us how not to. And that’s it. There needed to be a discussion of mental health. ‘Beyond the Reasons’ was a little bit helpful in this regard, but it really needed to be inside the series itself. It needed to break up the story that says if you have suicide then this is where you end up - to shed the light on how to identify with feelings and symptoms associated with mental illness and what to do with them. What I believe we need to take in is that to experience struggles with mental health - to experience anxiety, to experience depression - is a form of fight. It is your cognitive behaviour of survival. Why should we feel ashamed, embarrassed or feel incompetent or weak because our body is fighting? It takes strength to fight, to survive. Hannah gave up, but you don’t have to. If I leave one message with you, let it be this: YOU CANNOT HELP HOW YOU FEEL. BUT YOU CAN HELP HOW IT AFFECTS YOU. I used to think I was “too sensitive”, “over-reacting” or “worrying about nothing”, but then I learnt no matter what I feel, it is valid. How I feel is legitimate. And there is always an underlying reason behind it. No-one can tell me how to feel, as much as I can control how I feel. Suffering is immeasurable. You cannot compare your own suffering to somebody else’s. Your own suffering can only ever be relative to you.  Understanding mental health, can not only be life-changing, but life-saving, whether it saves one from ending their life, or living a life weighed down with mistreated symptoms and unmanaged illnesses. The more aware we are of ourselves, and understand ourselves, the more we can help others, and live a content and enriched life. It took me until twenty-five to realise the point of life is to be happy. It took me until twenty-six to learn how to be happy. And I am still learning. The bravest thing I have ever done, is learn to know myself. If you haven’t done so already, I encourage you to reach out and do the same. It took me until twenty-five to learn that I actually had something to reach out about. I learnt that I needed help, thirteen years later. If you need to reach out please call out. You may feel alone, you may physically be alone, but you don’t have to be. You can take control. No-one else can write your story, but you. It is impossible to post the lifeline number of every country, but here are few - 13 11 14 (AUS)  | 09 5222 999 (NZ within Auckland) | 0800 543 354 (NZ outside Auckland) | 01708 765200 (UK) 1-800-273-8255 (USA) https://www.beyondblue.org.au http://au.reachout.com/emergency-help https://www.lifeline.org.au https://www.lifeline.org.nz http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/suicide.php https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Resources for adults and young people watching Netflix’s ’13 Reasons Why’:

Mental Health First Aid Australia: https://mhfa.com.au/news/2017-04-21/32544/resources-adults-and-young-people-watching-netflix-tv-show-13-reasons-why

Headspace: https://www.headspace.org.au/news/dangerous-content-in-13-reasons-why/

so why did i feel so compelled to write this? I am passionate to my bones about raising awareness of mental health, especially in our youth. It is something which is incredibly close to my heart, particularly as my parents come from a generation in which, unfortunately it is common to not only understand what mental health is, let alone how it works. A generation in which the denial card, is often played out of fear that to struggle with mental health is a sign of weakness. I believe it is so important - so paramount - that each and every one of us, especially our youth of today, are able to reach out. And that begins with feeling like we can reach out. Unfortunately, I have to say from my experience, ‘13 Reasons Why’ does not enable this, but unfortunately, instead sends a message which is quite the contrary.

References:

Lucinda Price, “Headspace Issues Warning Over Depiction of Suicide in ’13 Reasons Why’” (Pedestrian TV) http://pezn.tv/2oGLqzy (accessed 19 April, 2017)

Serena Smith, “13 Reasons Why is an insult to anyone with mental health issues.”  https://thetab.com/uk/leeds/2017/04/11/13-reasons-insult-anyone-mental-health-issues-31188 (accessed 14 April 2017)

Brooke Leigh is a Sydney-based something (artist, researcher, writer) with a passion for mental health awareness. Her research practice explores the unconscious (repressed memory and emotion), and the ability for art to function as cathartic experience.

[isaacathom]

okay so... im thinking i want to figure out my pitch for the game before i do the essay, just because i know i can write that fairly easy, sort of, im a very wordy bitch and im sure i can pull something out of my ass. ive got a whole weekend for it. its fine. sunday at midnight baybeeee

so. game ideas! twine game ideas!

- BtH, of a sort. I think the core idea of a ship going sailing and having some choices to make, like for instance whether you decide to support a God Damn mutiny, is like... there is stuff there. easily got branches that end prematurely with you getting thrown overboard for being a shit, yknow? idk. i kinda wanna keep BtH for, you know, BtH. with the whole tying in to atlantis and the abravost dragon and stuff. the scope of the actual bth is too big for a 1000 word twine game sooooo wheeeeeEEEEE

- yknow what i could resurrect? TFOS. Basically it was a rough story thing I knocked up to justify my yr 12 vis comm project, and it was just ‘a bunch of girls fight dragons’ except that the ranger character, who was the main protagonist and the crown princess, had a fucking rifle. but the knight was still a knight with armour and a sword, which was mostly for rule of cool reasons, because i wanted to draw armour for the first and so far Only time (huh) and thats really it. but! i could possibly take that idea of hunting dragons with rifles and expand it. and keep the princess protag.

    Basically what it would be is we take the basic character of Sofia (was that her name? jesus christ its been 2 whole years), a princess who wants to hunt dragons as a combination revenge thing and ‘protecting her kingdom’ thing, and play up the angle of her conflict against like, her family, and what she is expected to do as the crown princess of a country (aka sit back and say a bunch of stuff and let other people make it happen). and the players choice would determine whether she succeeds in hunting this one dragon, or fails. and failure would, narratively, prove her family right - that she shouldnt have been doing it. and there are many options for failure, branches which go on for a few pages before revealing they were doomed from the start, but theres also that one golden chance where if she plays her cards just right, she can prove them wrong. that if you can do something to make a situation better, you SHOULD. even if you fail. that would i guess be the thesis. there could also be minor success endings where she survives but her allies (who probably wouldnt be the Very Gay TFOS cast because they have a Lot going on that would overcomplicate whats going on) dont, or even vice versa, where her actions get her killed but save her friends and do ultimately result in the dragons death.

now that ive written that much about it i think it could work. what do i want to achieve with it? fuck of a question! i want to pass the class, frankly, but other than that i guess its like, idk, a story about knowing when to act. theres probably some early less-essential choices (like that dont create full branches, as in the fight with the dragon) which can highlight how sometimes you gotta play your cards right. maybe it does create mild branches later. i dont know how twine Works so i dont THINK i can actually do that? like store a value to pop an extra choice later. im thinking in terms of bigger games lmao i always am.

but yea! a princess sneaking out of the castle to fight a dragon. presumably the story starts with her being caught doing so, like you get her attempting to leave the castle and being caught by one of the guards (who maybe later helps her escape once they know whats up? fuck yea) or in like, a minor action-y bit where she has SUCCESSFULLY gotten out, and is on the hunt for a very small dragon, when the royal palace, having been alerted to her absence, fucking stoooorms in and intervenes before she can actually do anything, with the choices not forming full branches so you dont actually know how it would end. she would insist she had it under control regardless of what you picked. i dont know! i think the core concept of ‘princess sneaks out to fight dragon With Gun’ is excellent so thats what im gonna pitch, and hopefully whoever i end up paired with likes the idea. if thats not what we end up going with, thats okay, maybe this will come back one day :P

[btsstankate-blog]

Busy Train Ride

Hello to who ever is actually reading this, so this is my first scenario and if you didn't know.. i only write smuts scenarios and reactions for Namjoon and Jin.

Summary- You meet Namjoon on the train and it leads into an exciting experience. 

Category: Scenario

Members- Namjoon and You

- tO ALL MY NAMJOON BIASES -

I KINDA GOT CARRIED AWAY WITH THIS SCENARIO AND WROTE ALOT AND STILL AM NOT FINSHED AS THERE WOULD BE A PART 2 COMING SO BE READY💙.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were coming home from a late night dance practice and you worked so hard to fix any mistakes and got all the choreography perfected. You lived 10 minutes away from your dance studio so everyday when you came home you had to take the crowded train back home. It was 1am Tuesday night and that is the time you usually leave practice based on your Tuesday schedule. You particularly are new for 3 months in that dance studio as you transferred from another months ago. Dance was your passion and you had a dream to become a professional dancer one day. You loved hip hop dancing as you have been winning several dance competition awards with your dance group. 

You walked 2 blocks to the train station and saw your train was coming in 3-5 minutes. You exhausted from the hard work you put in for your hip hop solo. You just played on your phone for about 5 minutes checking your social media apps and playing games until you actually fell asleep on the bench waiting for your train to arrive. About 10 minutes later you woke up to an announcement that your train will be delayed for about 5 minutes extra because it was running late anyway while you were asleep. Your so glad you didn't miss it. You drunk the rest of your water and waited patiently for your train to arrive.

Once your train arrived your small self squished in between people who are pushing themselves into the train as there were no seats of course that you can sit in as you were very tired from your dance practice tonight. You held on the train pole firmly and tightly hoping not to fall since you were little stumbly and kind of dizzy from you being so fatigued.  You were also hungry and didn't eat dinner before you came home. All you had was a sandwich for lunch and a bottle of water. 

About 4 minutes unto the train ride it just got more and more crowded with a LOT of people. It has never been this packed at this time that you have been on this train. You wondered to yourself why it was. Suddenly when the train made a sharp turn the pressure and force of the people standing and holding the pole bars and such pushed you so hard that you lost balance and completely fell on top of the one and only Kim Namjoons lap.

You at the time didn't know who Kim Namjoon was and you weren't too familiar with the group: BTS

You: “Oh my god I'm so sorry about that!” You said as you and Namjoon are helping picking yourself up.

You: “You see the train turned and i lost balance and due to everyones pressure I fell but I'm so sorry..”

Namjoon- “Its okay, its totally fine i understand. Are you okay are you hurt”? he asked while all eyes of the other passengers were staring on you.

You: “Yeah I'm totally fine just might have a couple of bruises but besides that I'm ok” You said nervously and embarrassed trying to catch your breath.

Namjoon:” At least your okay ..it could've been worse!” Namjoon said trying to make the best out of the situation.

You: “Exactly” you said lastly.

Luckily, after seeing you fall a nice gentleman gave up his seat as you looked tired and overall because he felt bad you got embarrassed and fell in front of literally a whole train of people.

You: “Thank you” you said as you walked towards the seat. It was in front of Namjoons so basically you were facing eachother. The train started to get less packed by each stop.

For the rest of the 7 minutes train ride you couldn't stop thinking about how handsome Namjoon was. You kind of were glad that he was able to help you up and be all nice when you fell. You tried not to maintain eye contact and just sat there deep in your thoughts during the rest of the train ride back home.

In Namjoons Mind:- He actually was still very concerned for you after the fall but couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful you are. It was literally love at first sight. He stole little glances at you here and then to see if you were okay and to see if you got out the train finally and also because of how god damn gorgeous you are to him. 

On the other hand, Namjoon was going back to the dorm after a night out with his manager. His manager went home with his wife as they lived about  5 blocks away from the BTS dorm. That left Namjoon to take the train all the way back to his dorm as the night out was in a unpaticular area he never been to but his manager nicely told him where his stop was suppose to be.

Suddenly it was 1 minute until you got off the train as it was approaching your stop to go finally home and once you got off quickly to avoid anything else from happening and to just want to be home at last, you heard a voice particular to the man (Namjoon) who you fell on top of.

Namjoon- :”Exuse Me!” he said walking fast practically running trying to catch up to you as of how fast you were going home.

Namjoon- “Exuse Me Mrs!”

You turned around to the sound of his voice as your eyes came practically big at the sight of Namjoon that made your stomach flutter.

As soon as you turned back he finally watched up to you.

You were practically leaving the train station when he told you-

Namjoon; “Hi, *out of breath* i just wanted to say that your beautiful and we should be friends or hang out someday..”

You: *you were suddenly shocked at the words coming out of his mouth as you smiled shyly covering half of your smile.

You: Thank you! I actually not going to lie i think your very cute and handsome and sure maybe we can get to know each other more!” You said trying not to blush but failed miserably.

Namjoon- *Namjoon telling that you were kinda shy*

“Also, again don't worry about the fall i know how you feel its totally understandable.”

You: “Thanks i appreciate it, it was kinda embarrassing.. but I'm okay.”

Namjoon- Thats all that matters..Anywway my name is Rap Monster I'm the leader from the kpop group/boy band BTS I'm not sure if you have heard of it and basically we live in a dorm 5 blocks from here.

You: “Oh wow i live right here on Talé Street! It’s really not that far! I actually never heard of your  boy group but now i will find more about it for sure!”  you said.

Namjoon- “Im actually coming from a night out with my manager.. but without the boys”

You: “Oh cool i just came from my dance practice and I'm extremely tired.” You said.

Namjoon- Maybe we can meet up with each other and maybe the boys?

You: “Sure!I would love to it seems like fun!”

Namjoon- Trust me.. it will. Anyways do you mind if i get your number so ic an contact you?

You: “Oh yeah sure!” you said as you hurriedly told him your number.

Namjoon- I will text you when we can meet when I'm off at the dorm.

You: “Sounds Good!” you said satisfied. “Okay see you later” you said, walking away in amazed shock from what just happened.

Namjoon- “Goodbye!” said Namjoon as he turned the other way and headed back to board the train that was already there back to the next  2  blocks that the dorm was from your city.

In the meantime, you hurriedly went through the cold dark streets of Talé Stret you were scared if anything will happen as you always hated coming home late at this time from dance and you kept overthinking still and you mind hasn't yet still processed that your love at first sight crush just planned to be friends with you and that he liked you.

Namjoon, still on the train, couldn't wait to tell the BTS members back at the dorm about this exciting experience.

SO as you can see, this is such a long scenario.. i know but part 2 will be coming soon and this might have grammar or punctuation mistakes because it is late its 11pm and i kinda am in rush to fix it and yeah.

Im new to doing these types of things and this is my first fandom fan account on tumblr. Please follow and request any scenarios , smuts , fluffs, reactions, angsts, etc ONLY I REPEATN ONLY FOR NAMJOON OR JIN I DO NOT WRITE FOR OTHER MEMBER THIS INCLUDES SUGA, JUNGKOOK, V, JHOPE, OR JIMIN. SO BASICALLY NAMJIN THE COUPLE OF THE GROUP LMFAO.

Follow my fandom army twitter @BtstrashK & my 2 youtubes - cookies cookie and - hobis’ hope.

Don't forget to vote for bts for the bbmas and its tomorrow and voting ends depending on your time zone.

Bye & Stay AWsome!