#i started doing my online courses which i only have like 6 of left (they have to b done by tmr bc our first day in the pool is tmr

[sungwoonha]

i’m

[4unnyr0se]

❥ apple cider | tobio kageyama

warnings: timeskip! university! tobio, f! reader, she/her pronouns, virgin! tobio, cunnilingus, tit-sucking, hickeys, sub! tobio, cowgirl position, praise, needy! tobio, unprotected sex, hinata mentioned

MDNI | 18+ content

word count -> 6.2k

a/n: okay yeah lowkey i lost the plot a little bit but its tobio soo... also sorry if he's ooc i tried so hard

❥ song: apple cider - beebadoobee

Biology class was a pain in the ass, no matter what your major was. Whether it was an elective course or required for a biology major, it was god-awful. At least, it was god-awful for Tobio. He needed it for a science credit, and that class was the only one that wasn’t open. And it was a 6 PM-9 PM lecture, which was the greater of the two evils. So basically, he got the worst time slot for the worst possible class. And all because he slept in once class registration started for college sophomores. It's totally unfair. 

But it wasn’t the stupidly long and late classes that pissed him all the way off, no. It was his annoying, stuck-up, sickeningly smart classmate who was the textbook definition of a know-it-all. Literal and metaphorical; you even dressed like one. Neck-length black turtlenecks with round nerd-like glasses and ankle-length skirts in tones that complement your skin so well. He hated you. He hated how you were better than him. And you were so smug about it. Your stupid little smirk would grace your features every time the professor praised you for getting another correct answer. Or when your professor praised you for “Breaking the curve yet again, spectacular! You’re going places.” God, that pissed him off—little miss brilliant, perfect you.

So one could imagine the rage he felt in his stomach when your professor made the both of you stay after class, well after the other students left, chattering about how lame the homework was and what parties were happening on Friday. 

“Tobio, I asked you to stay after because your grades are…less than satisfactory,” your professor pushed up her glasses, gesturing to the piles of papers with his name scrawled out in chicken scratch. “I’m worried about your performance. If you continue on the path you’re on now, you’ll probably have to retake the class. That means you’ll fail three credits short and might have to graduate later than the others.”

Tobio shrugged, shoving his hands in his loose jeans pockets. “I can always take a class in the summer, can’t I?”

Your professor shook her head. “Unfortunately, no. I don’t work during the summer, and I’m the only professor that teaches this biology level. Besides, I know you have volleyball to attend to when you aren’t in class. It must be stressful, dealing with sports and academia.”

Tobio didn’t know what academia meant, but it sounded like school. “So, what? Are you going to tutor me after class or something?”

“Oh, no. As a professor, I cannot help students past my office hours. That’s why I’ve appointed my best student to tutor you until your grades are satisfactory,” she gestured to yourself. “She’s maintained a high ninety throughout the semester, so she should have no problem tutoring you.”

You waved at Tobio, smiling softly. 

Tobio sighed and rolled his eyes. “No offense, professor, but is there any way that I can get somebody else to tutor me?”

“Do you two not get along well?”

“We just don’t know each other, that’s all. I think Tobio is just shy,” you stood beside him. “I promise I’ll do my best to help you improve your grades, honestly.” you flashed him another soft smile.

He thought the show you were putting on for your professor was impressive. “Fine, whatever.”

“Great!” your professor happily clapped her hands together. “In that case, why not start tutoring him tonight? I’m assigning an online quiz tomorrow that isn’t open note, so I hope you’ll score better than 60% this time, Tobio.”

You covered your chuckle with a false cough. His highest grade was a 60%. Oh, that’s pathetic. Adorably pathetic. “Yeah, we can walk to the library. Unless you have something else that you need from us, professor.”

Your professor shook her head and bid you two off, closing the classroom doors behind you. You and Tobio walked awkwardly to the library, his blue eyes glued to the ground below you.

“So, you play volleyball?” you tried to break the silence. He didn’t respond. “Did you hear me? I asked if you play volleyball.”

“Just shut up and walk. You hate this as much as I do. Stop pretending to like me. Our professor can’t hear you. No need to suck up anymore.” he brushed his black bangs out of his face.

You were taken aback by his words. “Okay, that’s fucking rude. Sorry for wanting to get to know you better, jackass.” you played with the necklace dangling from your neck, your eyes darting to look over at Tobio occasionally. He was tall, taller than you were. Built, too. You heard that he played volleyball in high school and won nationals a couple of times, and he was only a college sophomore. You thought he must work out regularly to keep his shoulders broad. He definitely had abs, too, rippling just under the compression shirt he wore-

“Oi, we’re here. Did your brain leave your head or something?” he grabbed your wrist, stopping you from slamming face-first into the library doors. “Watch where you’re going. Next time, I’ll just let you break your nose.”

“Gee, thanks. I feel so protected,” you sighed, walking to an empty study corner. Tobio took the beanbag, and you took the couch, taking out your flashcards and highlighters. “So, we’re currently on the human anatomy unit. This is one of the more complicated units, so I can’t blame you for struggling. One of the reasons I’m doing so well is that my high school offered human anatomy during my third year. I was good at it.” you praised yourself. 

“Wow, really? Karasuno didn’t offer that.” Tobio leaned back in the bean bag, resting his arms behind his head. 

“You went to Karasuno? I didn’t know you were from Miyagi.”

“I thought it would be obvious to you since you’re so smart or whatever.” he rolled his eyes, leaning forward. “Let's just get this over with. I have other shit to do besides getting babied by the class know-it-all.” 

You slammed your flashcards down on the table, shooting him a glare. “Look, it’s not my fault you’re bad at biology. But I’ve been appointed as your tutor and won’t give up on you just because you’re mean to me. I’ve been called worse things. So suck it up and let me help you, you asshole.” you tossed your textbook at him. “Read this passage, and then I’ll show you the flashcards. Is that okay with you, or do you need further instruction, moron?”

Damn, he liked when you talked to him like that. He knew you were faking that kindness act just so your professor wouldn’t get upset with you. He was right. Tobio knew you had an attitude under all that nerd attire that made you look so fucking sexy. Wait, did he think you were sexy? No…right? You were his tutor. You were a total loser who dressed like that basketcase from The Breakfast Club. So why did he suddenly have the overwhelming urge to slam his lips against yours when you told him off? He shook his head, trying to erase the sinful thoughts from his mind as he read the passage in the textbook that lectured about menstruation. Ew, gross. Well, he guessed it wasn’t gross. It was natural. Besides, you would probably punch his lights out if he said it was gross. For once in his life, it was better to keep his mouth shut. 

“Have you finished the paragraph?” your words snapped him out of his thoughts—a twinge of pink dusted his cheeks.

“Yeah,” he responded, closing the textbook. “I can’t believe you have to go through that every month.”

You shrugged your shoulders. “You get used to it eventually. At least I don’t have endometriosis,” you shuffled your flashcards, taking one out of the deck. “Okay, can you tell me the average amount of days that a person with a uterus gets their period?”

Tobio thought for a moment. “Uh…five?”

You slowly nodded. “Well, it’s closer to a week, but everyone is different, so I guess you’re technically right,” you pulled out another card. “Why do people with uteruses get cramps when menstruating?”

“Um…because the muscles in the vagina contract to…” 

“To what?”

“To get rid of the lining…”

You clapped your hands together. “Very good! Did you already know some of this stuff?”

Tobio nodded. “I have an older sister. She gets really bad cramps, and the whole house turns into chaos whenever she gets her period. Chocolate usually helps…I would always make her chocolate milk.” He smiled to himself.

“Aw, that’s really nice of you. Your older sister is lucky to have a nice little brother, even if he’s a jackass to his biology tutor.” you snickered, putting away the flashcards. “Well, it’s been an hour already. I think we should wrap up. I’m hungry.”

“I’m not a jackass, shut up!” Tobio grew defensive, crossing his arms over his muscular chest. “I have to get to practice anyway. Hinata will start spamming my phone any minute if I’m late. He’s so annoying.”

You put your items in your bag. “Hinata? Like, Shoyo Hinata?” you pushed your glasses up to your face. “I know him. We eat lunch together sometimes. He’s hilarious.” you smile, and Tobio felt a jealous wave wash over him. You were the cutest girl he had talked to in a long time. Why did Hinata get to talk to you, too? Was he about to try something? Fucking Hinata. 

“He’s actually really fucking annoying. He makes weird noises when he receives the ball like a toddler.” Tobio smirked, brushing the dust off his jeans. “But if you think he’s funny, you must be right. After all, you’re the smart one.” he teased.

You scoffed and rolled your eyes. “Don’t get pissy with me because you have a shitty grade in biology. So, what if you know how the menstrual cycle works? I bet you’re awful at the reproductive part of human anatomy.” you placed a hand on your hip. “We’ll meet here tomorrow at the same time. You get to learn about the vagina, which should be fun for you since you’re obviously a fucking virgin.” 

“I am not!” Tobio huffed, staring daggers as you walked away. He wasn’t technically lying to you, but it also wasn’t the truth. Sure, he had done things with his mouth and hands, but he never went all the way. And Tobio was almost positive that you would bully him relentlessly if you knew that he was a virgin. And he also knew, way deep in his gut, that he wanted you. For whatever reason, he had to have you. You were so full of yourself and painfully smart, smarter than he would ever be. Tobio needed to fuck you so good that you would not doubt in your mind that he wasn’t a virgin. 

The library was relatively empty, but it was a Saturday afternoon. Students who lived off campus were at their parent's house, and those who lived on campus were probably asleep in their dorms or doing other activities. It was a lovely atmosphere, especially without all the annoying frat guys using the library as a place to make out with girls in the nonfiction section. You and Tobio sat in the usual spot, except you both sat on the couch this time. Even though you didn’t particularly care for him, he was getting better at human anatomy, which you felt proud of.

“So, are you ready to learn about how we reproduce?” you opened your textbook to the bookmarked page. “I know we already learned this in high school, but it’s still an important part of the unit to review, just in case there’s a question on the exam next week that’s a curveball.”

Tobio sighed and took out a highlighter he bought exclusively for your tutoring sessions. “I can’t believe we have to go over this. We’re in college. We know how to fuck.” he blushed, tapping the uncapped highlighter on the thin paper of the textbook.

You cleared your throat. “Just because we know how the process is done doesn’t mean we understand the risks that come along with it. There are sexually transmitted diseases and ectopic pregnancies…there’s a whole list of things that can go wrong during sex. Luckily,” you pushed your glasses up the bridge of your nose. “Those things are relatively rare. Well, except for the STD portion. That’s why condoms are important, even when your partner is on the birth control pill.”

Tobio smiled slightly. “You seem to know a lot about this. Is there something I should know?” 

Wow, he was never this smooth when it came to flirting. Usually, he was an awkward mess who stammered over his words and made a fool of himself. 

You rolled your eyes and looked at him. “My high school just thought that being properly educated when it came to sex was important, that’s all. I’m not some sexual deviant if that’s what you were wondering. Would a sexual deviant dress like a librarian?” you gestured to your outfit.

Tobio’s eyes wandered to your tight-fitting sweater that fit snugly around your breasts and waist. The skirt you wore was thigh-length and oh-so-snug, and the stockings you wore underneath made you look like the prettiest librarian he had ever seen. “Do you want me to be honest, or is this one of those questions where I’ll be wrong no matter what I say?”

You closed your textbook. “No, be honest. Let me know what you’re thinking.”

Tobio took a deep breath, refusing to make eye contact. You were pretty, but damn, were you terrifying. “I…I think you look really fucking sexy when you dress like a librarian.” he squeezed his knuckles on his lap, looking down at his feet with a furious blush on his face. 

You chuckled. “So you have a thing for librarians or something?” you moved closer toward the bumbling setter. “That’s not a bad thing, you know. Even though you’re incredibly stupid, you are…kind of cute.” you placed your hand on his trembling thigh.

“Don’t touch me there. It’s sensitive,” he whispered.

“Aw, you really are a virgin,” you softly purred, finding this whole ordeal amusing.

“I told you I’m not,” Tobio continued to lie. “I’ve…I’ve had sex.”

You sighed, pulling your hand away from his thigh. “You know, it’s okay if you are a virgin. I know I tease you about it, but it’s really nothing to be ashamed about.”

Tobio crossed his arms and grumbled. “My teammates say otherwise, especially the upperclassmen.”

You rolled your eyes yet again. “Tobio, they just say those things because of toxic masculine culture. You have to ask yourself if you honestly think you’re ready to lose your virginity if you’re emotionally ready for it.”

Tobio raised an eyebrow. “Why would I have to be emotionally ready? Don’t people fuck because they’re horny?”

“Well, yes, but it’s a very intimate act. You have to be mature enough to be vulnerable with your partner. This is why sex education is so important.”

Tobio racked his brain, thinking of what to say next. “Do you…want to come over tonight? T-to study, obviously. I have to get my grades up, or it’s my ass.”

You smiled, packing up your things. “We can just study in my dorm. I live alone, so it’ll be nice and cozy. Maybe we can do a practice quiz on female anatomy? I’m guessing you already know a lot about male anatomy.” you give him a suggestive smirk.

Tobio frowned. “Did you just say that I jerk off a lot?”

“You’re a nineteen-year-old in college. Of course, you jerk off a lot.”

“Shut up! God, you’re so pretentious.” Tobio shoved his hands in his pockets, leaning back against the couch. 

“At least I’m not failing biology,” you stuck your tongue out playfully. “Come by my dorm building around nine. It’s the one by the dining hall, you can’t miss it. I’ll be waiting to buzz you in.” With that, you left, humming to yourself as if you didn’t give Tobio a million ideas on how to spend his time in your dorm. What if you brushed against his shoulder when going over terms, and his hand just happened to slide around your waist? Oh, it would be absolutely terrible if you got on top of him, caging him under your body as your lips trailed down further and further until they landed on his needy cock. Fuck, Tobio was hard just thinking about it. He grabbed a nearby throw pillow and whistled to himself, waiting for his erection to go down so he could walk to his dorm and prepare for tonight. In reality, nothing would probably happen…right?

It was 9:02 in the evening. The crickets played a tune outside your dorm hall as you sat down on one of the many chairs they had scattered on the lawn that were usually used during the springtime. The moon shone brightly in the sky, and the fireflies danced with the stars. Truely it was a perfect evening.

Except Tobio was fucking late. Sure, it was only two minutes, but what if he forgot? You didn’t have his contact information; emailing him was out of the question because that would be outdated. And so, you waited patiently outside for him to arrive. You couldn’t wait to lecture him.

“Yo,” Tobio waved. His backpack hung over his shoulders, and his cell phone practically dangled from his grey sweatpants. “Sorry, I’m late. My roommate was being an asshole, and we were yelling so much that I lost track of time.”

“You’re two and a half minutes late, dick,” you brushed the dirt off your knees, stretching. “I was considering going back inside and leaving you to fend for yourself.”

Tobio scoffed. “It’s only two and half minutes, damn. You really need to learn how to relax.”

You opened up the dorm building with your keycard. “If I relaxed, I wouldn’t be at the top of my class. Now, would I?”

“Whatever. Can we just get this over with? I hate studying.” he said defensively. It wasn’t technically lying; Tobio didn’t like studying, but he liked studying with you. He would never admit it, but you made the material easier to remember, and you actually cared about him getting decent grades for whatever reason. 

“Don’t get your panties in a twist, princess. I live on the third floor, and the elevator is broken, so we’re taking the stairs.” you took off your hoodie and wrapped it around your waist, revealing your low-cut tank top. “C’mon. I don’t want to waste more time than we already have.”

“It was barely three minutes…” Tobio muttered under his breath as he followed you up the stairs, trying his best not to trip over the steps as his eyes constantly darted to your exposed cleavage. Fuck, you looked so fucking good. Did you even know what you were doing to him? Probably, you loved teasing him. Maybe if he got enough answers correct, you would let him bury his face in your breasts and suck little hickeys onto them.

“Okay, we’re here,” your dorm room was just at the end of the hall, nice and secluded. You jiggled the key in the doorknob and let him inside, the dorm walls decorated with posters ranging from your favorite TV shows to stupid ones you found while thrifting. “Make yourself at home. I’ll get my laptop to do online flashcards. If you get them right, you get to feed your little monster pet. Isn’t that fun?”

Tobio chuckled. “You have to rely on a game to study? And there I thought you were just books and, uh, other things.”

“Wow, so smooth.”

“Shut the hell up.”

You giggled and sat on your bed, patting the spot next to you. “Make yourself comfortable. This could be a while.”

“As long as it’s less than an hour, I don’t care.” he sat beside you, mindful of the space between. If he was any closer, he might be unable to help himself.

“Oh, honey, did you think you would be in and out of here in a tight thirty minutes? You could not be more wrong,” you mocked him, opening the flashcard application on your computer. “This will take maybe two hours so that you can learn all there is to know about the female body. Unless, of course,” you leaned in closer. “You don’t think you can handle it.”

Fuck, this is where Tobio dies. He’s going to die, and it’s because this sexy fucking nerd won’t give his virgin ass a break. 

“I-I can handle it! I can totally handle it!” Tobio sounded so sure of himself, but the crimson blush decorating his cheeks gave it all way.

“If you say so,” you clicked on a flashcard. “Alright, what is the labia?”

Tobio thought for a moment. “Uh, it’s the folds of skin around the vaginal opening…right?”

You smiled. “Very good! You get to give the little monster a treat now.” You handed him the laptop. “You can click on what food you want to give him. I personally like giving him the rice cakes.”

Tobio chuckled at the tiny digital creature chewing on the snack. “This is kind of cute. I can see why you like studying now.”

You shrugged your shoulders. “Studies show that making learning fun actually helps the material stick in your brain for longer periods of time. Who knew?”

You clicked on another flash card once Tobio had finished feeding the virtual monster. “Oh, this is a fun one. How rare is the female orgasm without clitoral stimulation?”

“...why do I have to know this?” Tobio looked flustered.

“Just answer the damn question.” he looked cute when he was embarrassed.

“Uh, common…I think. I don’t know, I’m not a girl.”

You sighed and adjusted your glasses. “Wrong, sorry. It’s actually incredibly rare for a female to orgasm without proper clitoral stimulation. We often time have to fake it to please our current partner.”

He looked down at his socks. “That doesn’t sound very fun. Why do guys cum more easily than girls?”

“Because the sperm fertilizes the egg, and women don’t need to orgasm to produce the egg, obviously.”

“And how was I supposed to know that?”

You rubbed your temple. “Because the textbook is right in front of you, dummy. Anyways,” you looked at Tobio. “Don’t feel bad. We have sex toys and stuff so we can get proper orgasms.”

Tobio scratched the back of his neck. “Has…has anyone ever made you cum?”

You were silent for a moment. “No, not even once. I had a boyfriend who was convinced he knew where the clit was…he always got it wrong.”

“Sorry to hear that,” why did Tobio feel bad? He wasn’t your boyfriend…did he want to be?

“S’not your fault, don’t apologize.” you pat him on the back, the faintest shade of ballerina pink on your cheeks. “Well, we should probably get back to studying now.”

Tobio closed the laptop. “We could study a different way…o-only if you want to.”

“What do you mean? Like, without flashcards?” you were faking your innocence. You knew exactly what he was talking about. 

“Are you seriously going to make me say it?” Tobio forced himself to look at you, drinking in your natural beauty. Holy fuck, you were so gorgeous.

“Yeah, I really am,” you leaned forward, licking your lips. “Go on, tell me how we can study a different way. I’m so eager.”

Tobio groaned to himself at the sight of your pink tongue licking your bottom lip, making you seem even more tempting. “We could, dammit, we could have sex a-and you could show me how to…y’know, make you feel good. O-only if you want to, I would never force you to. It’s not like I’m desperate for sex or anything. Who said that? Not me-” You cut him off by placing a manicured finger on his chapped lips. 

“If you want to fuck, then let’s just fuck. I’ll teach you along the way, alright Tobio?” you placed your laptop on the dresser beside you, climbing into his trembling lap. Your soft hands cupped his flushed face, the scent of your vanilla hand cream filling his nostrils with a pleasant aroma. “Do you want me to fuck you, Tobio?”

“God, yes,” 

With his approval, you gently pressed your lips against his. He quickly melted into the kiss, wrapping his muscular arms around your waist so your chest was flush against his. His lips moved slowly against yours as if he was terrified to do something that would upset you. You giggled into the kiss, shifting in Tobio’s lap to get more comfortable.

He groaned into the kiss, his hands squeezing your hips with feather-light force as your tongue bore into his mouth, dancing with his own before pulling away. Your arms secured themselves around his neck, fingers tugging on the loose strands of midnight black hair. “Did you like kissing me, Tobio?” you purred, your petal-like lips trailing kisses down his thick neck.

“Y-yeah, I really fucking liked that,” God, his whimpers would be the death of you.

“Do you know what a hickey is, Tobio?”

“Not really…” he felt ashamed of how little he knew.

You frowned at his downtrodden tone, rubbing his cheekbone with your thumb. “Hey, don’t say it like that. It’s okay if you don’t know what a hickey is. I’m your tutor, don’t you want to learn?” he nodded.

“So why don’t you let me show you then, hm? I’ll be gentle, I promise.” you kissed up and down his neck until you found a spot that made Tobio gasp. “Is this where it feels good?”

His sweatpants strained. “Yeah..really good,”

Your teeth nipped at the skin. “This might hurt, so tell me if it’s too much. Can you be a good boy and do as you’re told?”

Another whine escaped his puffy lips. “Yeah, I’ll be good for you.”

Your lips descended onto the previously marked spot, taking his skin between your teeth and sucking ever so slightly. His once light grip on your hips strengthened as you bit down on the sensitive flesh, sucking the tiniest purple bruise that would surely blossom into a beautiful hickey. You pulled away, catching your breath and brushing your hair out of your field of vision. “How did that feel, pretty boy?”

Tobio’s cock was painfully hard in his boxers. The grey sweatpants were not doing him any favors in terms of concealing his throbbing erection. “Shit, that felt so fucking good,” his hands traveled down to the bottom of your shorts, fidgeting with the cotton fabric. “Can I have another one, please?”

You pecked his nose. “Only because you asked so nicely.”

His head craned to the side to give you better access as you bit at the other side of his neck, suckling on the same place opposite the first hickey. Whimper after shallow whimper fled his lips, his calloused hands from years of volleyball sliding under your shorts to toy with the fat of your ass.

You gasped at the sensation, pulling away prematurely. “Somebody’s certainly handsy tonight.”

“S’not my fault,” Tobio looked away. “Just wanted to feel more of you, that’s all. Not my fault that you’re pretty.”

“You’re cute,” you pecked his lips, your glasses pushing up against the bridge of your nose. “Tobio, do you wanna continue being a good boy for me?”

“So fucking badly, please. I’ll do whatever you want. Just make me feel good.” Holy fuck, he was sure he had never been more embarrassed in his whole life. He would never say something like that. The power you held over him was unmatched.

You rolled yourself off his lap, propping yourself on the bed by your elbows. Teasingly, your hands reached under your shirt and pulled it off, your bra following after. The cold and arousing air of your dorm room grazed your tits, your nipples perking up at the temperature change. “Why don’t you take that shirt off too, hm? Don’t be shy now.”

Tobio didn’t need to be told twice. He practically ripped his shirt from his body. You didn’t even get a chance to admire his toned form before his lips were on yours again, his muscular body caging yours as his rough hands left trails of molten lava on your breasts. 

“Fuck, Tobio,” you moaned into the kiss, wrapping your legs around his slender waist. “D’ya like what you see, pretty boy?”

He didn’t answer. His lips wrapped around your nipple, eagerly sucking at the sensitive mound while his other hand toyed with the supple flesh. You let out a content sigh as his mouth alternated between breasts, not leaving one abandoned for a moment. 

“Fucking love these tits,” his voice rumbled against your cleavage, covering your scorching body with sloppy open-mouth kisses. “You’re so fucking pretty.”

Your hand danced between his messy hair. “Good boy. You’re being so good, Tobio.”

His hips rutted against yours, his clothed erection desperate for any kind of friction. “Wanna make you feel good,” he groaned as he tore his mouth away from your breast. “Please, teach me how to make you feel good.” he didn’t even care how desperate and pathetic he sounded. All he knew was that he needed you. 

“Take my shorts and panties off,” you lifted your hips off the mattress. Tobio didn’t need to be told twice. He pulled your soft shorts off and tossed them on the ground beneath you, your panties soon dangling over your ankle. “That’s it. You’re such a good student, Tobio.”

Fuck, your body was to fucking die for. Your glistening heat was so incredibly tempting. He wondered what you would taste like…if you would permit him to taste you.

“Do you know what oral sex is?”

“Y-yeah, of course I know. I’m not an idiot.”

You nodded in satisfaction. “Now, do you want me to show you how to make a girl cum on your tongue?” 

His nod was a bit too quick.

You chuckled. “Alright then,” your delicate hand spread over your pussy, circling your clit. “This is the clitoris. When you apply enough pressure to the clitoris, that’s when your partner will probably orgasm. Fingers sometimes do the trick,” you looked deep into his gunmetal eyes. “But the best thing to do is to suck on it with your mouth. Can you be a good boy and do that for me, Tobio?”

“Mhm, I-I can do that. I’ll make you feel so fucking good, I promise.” he lifted your hips so they rested on his thighs for support. The hot breath from his tongue sent electric shocks throughout your body, complimented only by his whimpers as he flattered his tongue against your soaking heat. 

“Fuck,” you sighed, tossing your head back against your plush pillows as Tobio slowly dragged his tongue up and down, occasionally stopping to suck on your clit. Your hands flew to his unkempt hair as he grew greedy, quicking his pace. The calloused tips of his fingers squeezed the supple skin of your thighs as his nose brushed against your most sensitive bud, lapping at your sobbing cunt like a man starved.

“T-Tobio, fuck!” you cried out, arching your back further into the mattress as his pace quickened like a man on a mission. His tongue and lips worked against your core in a fierce heat, not being able to think of anything else except pushing you over the edge, just like you asked him to. Your thighs clenched around his head as his thumb found your clit, swirling electric circles. “I’m so fucking close, don’t stop!” his name fell like a mantra from your lips as he continued his brutal pace, groaning as you tasted too incredibly sweet on his tongue.

He lifted his head from between your thighs, his mouth covered in your slick. “Am I doing a good job? Do you feel good?”

You shoved his head back down. “Yes, just keep going. I’m so fucking close, Tobio, please.”

The sound of you begging was all he needed to drive you over the edge. He buried himself in your heat, his thumb being replaced by his middle and ring finger as he drew rough circles against your clit, his tongue darting up and down like a madman. With one final cry of ecstasy, you came crashing down as your orgasm sent shockwaves of pleasure throughout your molten figure. His tongue worked you through your orgasm, lapping up every last bit of your release.

You pulled him up by his hair, your face flushed with the deepest shade of pink he had ever seen. “Fuck…that was so fucking good. You’re such a good boy. Do you want your reward now?” Before he could answer, you flipped over so he was under you, your body still shaking from the aftershocks of your orgasm. His sweatpants were discarded, and boxers hung on his ankle. 

“What are you doing?” Tobio whined as your thumb teased his throbbing cock, gathering precum on it as you tasted him. “Fuck, it feels so fucking good.”

You hovered above his length, aligning it with your entrance. “Shh, just think about how good I’m about to make you feel, okay?” you lowered yourself down onto his cock, hissing as your greedy pussy swallowed his length.

“What about, oh fuck, what about condoms?” Tobio whimpered, his hands finding your hips as you sat on his pelvis, the walls of your cunt squeezing around his cock. 

“Well, you’re a virgin, and I’m on the pill. It’s safe to assume that you’re clean.” you groaned as you lifted yourself, the head of his throbbing cock sitting snug in your walls before you slammed yourself back down. 

“Holy shit,” Tobio rasped, squeezing his eyes shut as you began to slowly bounce on his cock. “Y-you’re so fucking tight, oh my fucking god.”

You leaned down to kiss him, whispering sweet nothings against his lips as you raised and lowered your hips, creating a steady pace that filled you up so nicely. “Yeah, you like me fucking you?”

His grip on your hips tightened as you set a relentless pace, your dorm room filling with the echoes of skin smacking against skin as his cock disappeared in and out of your cunt. “Shit, I’m not gonna last if y’keep that up. Fuck!” he shouted as his cock brushed against your cervix. The sight of your bruised breasts bouncing in his face only drove him further to the edge of euphoria, taking your nipple in his mouth as you continued to ride him.

“Yeah? You want me to fuck you harder, Tobio? So fucking greedy.” you were met with a wanton cry as you slammed down even harder, his cock twitching inside of you. Your pace grew sloppy as he continued to suck on your breast, his calloused hands roaming up and down your backside, desperate for purchase. 

“M’not greedy!” Tobio whined, practically sobbing into your harsh kiss as your walls clenched around him, milking him for all he was worth. “Gonna fucking cum, fuck! Can I cum inside? Can I please cum inside your pussy?” his pride has long since been thrown out the window, his release the only thing in his head. Tobio didn’t even wait for you to respond before his climax crested, shooting white hot ropes of cum into your pussy, his hips bucking up into yours as he rode out his incredible high. 

The warmth in your core enveloped you as your bouncing ceased, letting him recover from the aftershocks of euphoria. His mouth was agape, and his gorgeous blue eyes could barely be kept open.

“You’re so cute,” your hands cupped his cheeks, kissing his nose as you got off of his ruined cock. His body was scooped into your arms, fingers drawing random shapes and patterns on his chest as he recovered. “Did that feel good, pretty boy?”

Tobio could only grumble in response. “So good, so fucking good. Love that pussy,” he whispered, curling up deeper into your arms as you tended to him.

“Do you need anything? A glass of water, a snack?”

“I’m not five years old…” he sighed, peeking up from your arms. “Can we just cuddle or something? I don’t wanna leave just now.”

You raised a brow. “No one said you had to leave right away. Where that stereotype came from, I will never know.” 

Tobio shrugged. “I dunno either. It’s stupid, anyway. You’re so warm.”

“Are you sure this isn’t the same guy who was being such a hard-ass a couple of days ago?” you chuckled, fluffing his hair.

“No! Shut up,” he frowned at you, pecking your cheek. “Let’s watch a movie so I don’t have to keep looking at your stupid, pretty face.”

“Hey, Tobio,” you whispered in his ear. “If you get a good grade on that quiz next week, I can show you what my mouth can do.”

[threeacttragedy]

Entry 14 – The One Where They Call It Chaotic but We Call it Predictable

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Yes, I am fully aware my entries have been sparse of late, and, no, I am not planning to stop my general Lukola ramblings any time soon. In fact, once I run out of material, I’ll probably dabble with fan fiction because, meh, why the hell not? Any ways, the reason for my slight absence is that I’ve had a special guest staying at my house – one by the name of “Dad.” Yes, that dapper gentleman has been roosting on my porch for the past few weeks (because that’s the only place I allow him to smoke), drinking an ungodly amount of Coca-Cola and holding my shih tzu like she’s a human baby. He did pry himself away long enough to be my date to see “Wicked” (he loved it, by the way). Oh, and he was obliged to my incessant babblings about Lukola. In fact, he even opened my mind to a few theories of his own and made me laugh hysterically at his reaction to the Jakolas.

It has always been my intention to delve into a certain section of our timeline – the part where Luke seemingly ran off into the Summertime Sunset with his friend group, which included Antonia. That period in time is the cavity of my Lukola table puzzle. The left side isn’t connecting to the right side because there’s this gaping hole in the center called Hot Boy Fucking Summer! Before June 12, things made sense to me. Even with the muck we find ourselves in now, just about everything after July 30 has made sense to me. So, of course, Hot Boy Summer was a topic of discussion with my dad. Actually, it was an “all afternoon” one.

I originally presented the Before, During, and After of Hot Boy Summer in chronological order to my dad only to get blasted with, “Stop doing that shit!” after I mentioned “Bless the Telephone.” His gripe was that – like the Claddagh ring – I had failed to disclose to him information that may alter his opinion about the event for which we were theorizing. Specifically, if I knew that the Claddagh ring preceded June 12 and I knew Nicola’s aptly named “Chaos Week” followed July 30, then disclosing those details to him before asking him to theorize about what happened in between those two dates (i.e., Hot Boy Summer) was necessary and even critical to his final opinion.

I don’t believe there is much explaining to do on the front-end of Hot Boy Summer – at least not to my well-versed Lukolas. We presumably all watched the same World Tour (including that trip over to Galway so Luke could meet Nicola’s mother) and I’ve already discussed the Claddagh ring in Entry 6 of my blog. That leaves us with the tail-end of Luke’s summertime jaunt, which steers us into Chaos Week. For those of you who thought I was going to discuss Hot Boy Summer in this entry, I’m sorry – this one is dedicated to that erratic period of Nicola blowing her war horn, beckoning all Lukolas within a worldwide radius of London to commence at her feet. And, commence we did!

Have you ever heard of “chaos theory?” Broadly speaking, it’s the idea that small changes can result in major changes over time – like cause and effect. That’s kind of how I’ve looked back at Chaos Week. We’d spent most of the summer on one bummer of a vacation, with Luke and Nicola (presumably) spending time apart from one another. Sure, we’d had few fireworks explode here and there with pap pictures, and we saw JVN enter the ring as the fan favorite best friend but, on the surface, Hot Boy Summer was, well, rather static. It had carried on with a monotonous “blip…blip…blip…” until suddenly our radar detected a quiet but distinct “blip-blip,” which didn’t register in any of our minds until we had a torpedo coming straight for us!

I don’t believe we can attribute Chaos Week solely to Nicola. Yes, yes, I know, Nicola’s online presence in early to mid-August was chaotic, hence the name “Chaos Week.” But, I do not believe Nicola started Chaos Week. She sure as shit drove it home but, in my opinion, it wasn’t her actions that set everything in motion. Nicola wasn’t the “blip-blip;” she was the torpedo.

So, what was the “blip-blip?”

Luke returning to London – alone – on August 2, of course.

The friend group, which had included Antonia, was nowhere in sight.

Hot Boy Summer had come to an end (I imagine this to be the reason Nicola started blowing her war horn).

In my opinion, Luke’s return set everything else into motion. He was that second pendulum that caused the first one to spiral out of control.

But, we ate that shit up, didn’t we? Yeah, we sure did, and we loved every day of Chaos Week. What’s funny to me is that everyone remembers bits and pieces of Chaos Week, but they never seem to get it in the right order (how chaotic, right?). This happened, then that happened. No, no, that happened first. No, this happened first. The only way to really look at Chaos Week is to give order to the disorder. And, we’re going to do that via a very generic captain’s log, so…

Welcome aboard!

Mission: Chaos Week

Origin: Somewhere in Mayfair.

Destination: Happily Ever After.

Time of Departure: Fuck, I don’t know. When did you board this ship?

Expected Time of Arrival: Hopefully before we all wither up and die.

Log Entries:

August 2. Luke returned to London alone. Yeah, yeah, I know, I already told you that, but I had to add this:

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August 4. Nicola decided to wake us all up from our somber summer with a plate of French toast. Umm, okay, that’s fucking random. I’m going back to bed – but wait, didn’t Luke say brunch was his “fav meal of the day?” Yeah, I swear I have that polaroid around here somewhere.

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August 7. Luke – after being absent on social media for what seemed like a lifetime – suddenly popped into his Instagram stories to post some delightfully cute Bridgerton Bloopers. The entire fandom rejoiced at Luke’s return to social media! And, let’s be honest, we only cared about the bloopers with Luke and Nicola. Hmm, Luke always has this intriguing, yet subtle way of surprising us. Did you hear that?

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August 7. Shortly after Luke posted his Bridgerton Bloopers, Nicola swooped in and dropped a very loud Wordle anvil on her Instagram stories. <clang!> Was she clocking people for making fake social media accounts using her name? Did she really solve the Wordle in two? Actually, most of us ignored that part of the post entirely and went straight to Mr. Google to ask, “What does ‘anvil’ mean? Okay, how about in the Urban Dictionary?” You know you did, too! In all seriousness, though, when this first dropped, I considered whether she was directing the “anvil” at Luke. After all, let’s face it, Nicola was the one who promoted Bridgerton post-Papsmear while Luke disappeared from the limelight. It’s only natural that she might be a bit peeved at him suddenly promoting Bridgerton. However, in hindsight, I believe this to be nothing more than Nicola calling out the person making fake social media accounts under her name. During this time, there seemed to be an influx of fake social media accounts using Nicola and Luke’s names (Luke would address this same topic on his Instagram stories on August 24). And, as fun as it would be to theorize that the “anvil” was directed at someone (other than Luke, of course), it was, in fact, the Wordle for August 6. That said, I do believe that “Wordle” has become synonymous with “Luke” at this point. So, I’ll give you that.

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August 8. JVN reposted their “[w]hen you catch someone trying to sneak a pic but you were born for these moments” to his Instagram grid. Did you think JVN wasn’t going to be included in Chaos Week?! They produced some of their best shit during this time! Any ways, Nicola liked this grid post, which confirmed my belief that Antonia played some part in the Italy pap pictures (for a full explanation on this, read “Entry 11 – The One About the Heart of the Ocean”). Thanks for the recap, JVN, although most Lukolas probably didn’t need to a reminder as to why they disliked Antonia.

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August 9. Nicola posted the Scrabble board to her Instagram stories. Whoa, hold up, Jakolas! Yeah, we know Jake played Scrabble with Nicola and – guess what – we Lukolas don’t care. I mean, I’ll even throw the Jakolas a small scrap of meat and say that Jake could (emphasis on could) have helpedNicola with the Scrabble board. Why am I being so charitable? Because that just makes me more confident Jake has always supported Lukola. You will not convince me (or probably any Lukola) that this Scrabble board was directed at anyone else but Antonia. In my opinion, there are only two things in this picture that matter – the central word “HEYA,” or “HEY A,” and the Guinness coaster. In fact, if I had been playing on the opposite side of this Scrabble board, I would have challenged this word. That alone says exactly what it needs to say. This is not to dissuade you from theorizing on every other word on that board, though. I’m simply saying I do not need any other evidence to persuade myself into believing the board was directed at Antonia. Now, if you want to take the two corner words and speculate that Nicola was having “SEX” with “DAD,” go right ahead – I won’t argue with you.

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August 10. Nicola posted to her Instagram grid the now-deleted birthday greeting to her friend, Camilla. The caption read, “…Remember the time paparazzi took a picture of us and to protect me you grabbed my face?” If that’s not an indirect jab at Luke’s friend group, I’m not sure what it is because it sure as hell doesn’t scream, “Happy Birthday,” to me.

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August 11. Nicola decided to get out her blow torch and light every beacon fire she could find starting in Bowral and ending in London by posting the “Drink Your Milk” shirt to her Instagram stories. You could practically hear her rallying every last Lukola still standing: “Rise, Lukolas, rise!” In fact, I think some even rose from the dead that day! What was the crisis? Well, only that the “Drink Your Milk” shirt was exactly like the one Luke was seen wearing on or about June 22. Now, now, this was a charity promoted by Jonathan Bailey so it’s entirely possible Nicola was gifted her own shirt. But, guess what? The Lukolas didn’t give a shit! They deep dived into reflections on sunglasses and creases in t-shirt sleeves! And, no, I’m not speculating on that hot mess (if you’re interested in learning more, I promise you there’s plenty of TikToks for that). In truth, it never mattered to me whether the shirt belonged to Luke or not. What mattered was the perception that it was Luke’s shirt. It blew up the Internet and I would stand by my belief that, if the fandom’s perception of something was detrimentally incorrect, Nicola (or Luke) would have corrected it. Nicola did not correct this. And, no, Jakolas, don’t even talk to me about that scrap of green blanket in that picture. I don’t care if Jake played Scrabble with (presumably) Nicola at some point over the summer while sitting outside on a goddamn green blanket. The “Drink Your Milk” post was not a secret coded message to Jake. I would stand on a hill and argue that all afternoon. Why? Because – again – Nicola did not correct the “Luke’s shirt” narrative. She let the fandom run with it. In fact, we all got our own blow torches that day. Mine’s turquoise and engraved with my initials.

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August 12. JVN posted a “Special announcement” to their Instagram grid. Right about now, you might be, like, “What the fuck does this have to do with Chaos Week?” I told you, JVN has this way of slipping shit into to their posts that make you do a double take – usually a day later while you’re daydreaming during your drive to the office. This was one of those posts. The announcement was: “I’ve been waiting for this announcement until after the Paris Olympics had finished, as to not take away from the incredible success of USA Gymnastics…@teamusa has been following my journey and growth as a gymnast and showed up at my house to personally invite me to train to be a potential member of their 2028 team. While I hate taking a slot away from 2028 potentials like @simonebiles & @stephen_nedoroscik (as it appears quite obvious I’ll make whichever team I attempt to)…” What made this post stick out is that it is, in fact, bullshit. As in, it is a completely made-up story. Team USA did not visit JVN at their house; they’re not joining the USA gymnastics team. It’s not even that funny, to be honest. So, what was the point of it? It’s confusing as fuck when you read it at face value; however, when you drop it into the Lukola timeline, I’m convinced it alludes to something bigger. On August 11, we had Nicola posting the “Drink Your Milk” shirt – which sent the fandom into believing Nicola was wearing Luke’s shirt and that Luke’s reflection was in her sunglasses. On August 13, the day after this post, a torpedo was launched at us (warning, warning, anyone got a phone I can use?). When you look at this post as the middle piece connecting Nicola’s August 11 and August 13 posts, I believe it tells a story. Let me rewrite it for you but imagine it now coming from Nicola’s perspective: “I’ve been waiting for this announcement until after the Paris Olympics Hot Boy Summer had finished, as to not take away from the incredible success of USA Gymnastics Luke’s friend group, which included Antonia…Luke @teamusa has been following my journey and growth as a gymnast and showed up at my house to personally invite me to train to be a potential member of their 2028 team [choose your own adventure on this one]. While I hate taking a slot away from 2028 potentials like @simonebiles Antonia & @stephen_nedoroscik Rory (as it appears quite obvious I’ll make whichever team [“girlfriend” or best friend] I attempt to)…” Huh, at the very least, this post is starting to get the side-eye from you, isn’t it?

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August 13. Oh, my God! My hair is on fucking fire!!! Nicola dumped “Bless the [Goddamn] Telephone” on her Instagram stories. Whose voice is nice to hear again? What is she trying to say?! Maybe nothing. No, it’s something. “It’s nice, the way you say my name; not very fast or slow, just soft and low; the same as when you tell me how you feel; I feel the same way, too; I’m very much in love with you. I’m very much in love with you.” I don’t need to elaborate any further on this post. It speaks for itself. Chaos Week had officially launched its massive torpedo (full of firecrackers and pinata candy) and the entire Lukola fandom was hysterical – in the best way possible. However, I will interrupt this happy moment with – Jakolas, please don’t start trying to link this song to Jake because Jack Rooke used it in an episode of “Big Boys.” Yes, we are aware Jake played a minor role in that show as a love interest to the main character, Jack. Again, Nicola did not shut down the fandom’s perception that the song was for Luke. Sorry, not sorry, Jakolas. If any part of Chaos Week was for Jake, I believe Nicola would have shut the entire thing down after realizing the fandom was associating everything with Luke.

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August 15. After giving the fandom 48 hours to process “Bless the Telephone,” Nicola posted to her Instagram grid, “Very demure, very mindful.” In my opinion, Nicola was acknowledging that her recent posts (ahem, “Bless the Telephone”) were intentional, and she was aware of how they were being taken by the fandom (ahem, that they were for Luke).

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August 15. JVN posted to their TikTok account “Slick Back Bun.” Hands down a fan favorite moment with JVN. “Sometimes I just need a very demure slick back bun…I don’t do my slick back bun like all the other girls. Here I’ll show you how to do it…I’m just going to take the hair and twist it around itself, so I just have a little cinnamon roll bun…” Do I need to elaborate on this one? Seriously, do I? Slick back bun – Antonia – yeah, okay, got it, we’re still going knives out on Antonia. If you haven’t watched this, it is still on JVN’s TikTok and Instagram grid. It was clever how “demure” JVN and Nicola were being that day.

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August 16. Nicola posted another song to her Instagram stories. This time it was Clairo’s “Juna.” It was not just a sweet, romantic song; it was full on sexy. “You make me wanna try on feminine; you make me wanna go buy a new dress; you make me wanna slip off a new dress…With you, there’s no pretending.” Alright, alright, enough! Wait – no, no – come back! I didn’t mean it! Please, please bring back your music to Instagram, Nicola!

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At this point, in my opinion, Chaos Week ended; however, I’m going to reference one more log entry mainly because, if I don’t, it will get overlooked in the small gap between Chaos Week and when the Jakolas enter the picture on August 25 (see “Entry 8 – The One About the Adjacent of Convenience” for that side show).

August 22. Nicola posted the picture of Luke and herself from Bridgerton Season 3 to her Instagram grid. And, no, I do not consider this to be a “Polin” picture. The picture appeared to be an alternative version of the polaroid Nicola carried with her throughout the World Tour. She captioned the post, “I thought I’d already shared this but I hadn’t so here you go now it’s all yours.” She also shared this in her stories and captioned that “with the lovliest pal a gal could have” and tagged Luke’s crotch. The story would disappear after 24 hours, but the post itself is still on Nicola’s Instagram grid. This post can be taken in several ways, depending on your mood. Was she friendzoning Luke because she used the word “pal” in her Instagram story? No, I don’t think she was. The “lov[e]liest pal?” That’s about as confusing as their “unique relationship.” Was she telling the fandom to support Luke because she supported Luke (i.e., stop hating on him)? Yeah, probably. Was she telling the fandom that she thought she’d already made it very clear that everything she had been posting was about Luke? Yes, I believe this to be the most reasonable answer, especially when you consider her previous posts. The reality is, that man fills a hefty chunk of her Instagram grid – and not dressed like Colin Bridgerton. But, I also believe that this post may have been a preemptive strike against the narrative that would surface three days later on August 25. It’s entirely possible Nicola knew that the pap pictures of Jake at the festival would be released by DeuxMoi (after all, it took DeuxMois over a week to release them), and Nicola was reminding fans that her narrative involved Luke. Note, that Nicola would repeat this in October when she and Luke simultaneously posted their “Polin” picture to their Instagram stories, which was followed a few days later by DeuxMoi dropping pap pictures of Nicola and Jake.

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Oh, a few honorable mentions post-August 22: (a) Nicola posted a picture from her Stylist Magazine photoshoot – the one from the back seat of a car (i.e., the “modern day carriage”) on August 23; (b) Luke posted about how he only had an Instagram account on August 24; and (c) JVN posted his “two finger” hair straightening demo on TikTok on August 25 (yes, I only listed these honorable mentions to get to JVN’s “two finger” demo because that was some laugh-out-loud funny shit – and it’s literally on the heels of Nicola’s “modern day carriage”).

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August 25. What in the hot fucking kittens is that? Well, thank God, it’s not an iceberg this time. Whoa, they didn’t just pull that Non-Player Character from that group of guys and name a ship after him, did they? Hahaha, dumbasses. Oh, shit! It’s coming straight for us!

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End Log.

Well, how was Chaos Week? Did you have a good time? I’m honestly friggin’ exhausted. Seriously, even just writing all that down was exhausting. Like, my brain is fried. Oh, yeah, feel free to ignore that part at the end of our log. That shit happens every time the Lukolas are given a bit of fun. You’ll get used to it.

I took you on this excursion through Chaos Week today because I believe it is important to develop an opinion about what happened before and after Hot Boy Summer, especially if we’re going to theorize on it at a later point. And, as I mentioned earlier, the before played out in front of our eyes and the after, well, if we have the information available, why not peek in its direction? It’s almost like reading a book from back to front.

There are three things that happened during Chaos Week that have kept my feet firmly planted on the USS Lukola. One, Nicola wearing the “Drink Your Milk” shirt, alluding to the still uncorrected perception that it was Luke’s shirt. Two, “Bless the Telephone.” We started Hot Boy Summer with The Frames singing, “I’m gonna wait for you…” and ended it with Labi Siffre answering, “It’s nice to hear your voice again…” And, three, Nicola posting “Very demure, very mindful,” confirming – in my opinion – that she was very conscious of what her posts were telling the fandom – i.e., that they were for Luke.

But, as I was sitting here typing out my thoughts about Chaos Week, I found myself – oh, no, word vomit! – annoyed.

Yes, annoyed.

It’s not Chaos Week itself that has left me feeling annoyed. That was one hell of a “Bridgerton Ride.” It’s that Chaos Week set in motion this predictable pattern which solidified my opinion that “Lukolas can’t have nice things.” Seriously, we can’t have nice things because something always comes in and fucks it up.

You know how I mentioned at the beginning of this post that Luke’s return to London was the “blip-blip” that led to Chaos Week? Luke was the “cause” and Chaos Week was the “effect.” Well, Chaos Week was the “blip-blip” that led to the current state of the fandom. We now have three ships – the Lukola, the Jakola, and the Lutonia – sailing the Fandom Sea, and every time the Lukola finds itself flying high, it gets hijacked by one or both of those motherfucking side ships.

Every.

Single.

Time.

Somewhere in this hot mess, the chaos that originated from Nicola’s August social media spree found order! In fact, we’ve fallen into such a predictable pattern of events that the ebb and flow of the sideshow antics barely “blip” our radar these days. When bullshit starts bullshitting, I just breathe a deep sigh of unadulterated annoyance and think, “I’m so over this shit.” Honestly, I’m getting the vibe that many of us are over this shit. We’re not playing Scrabble anymore. We’re playing that never-ending game of Risk.

Sometimes I wonder if the fandom would have been better off if Chaos Week had never happened. That Pandora’s Box had never been opened and that the fandom had simply allowed the USS Lukola to sail off into the sunset. But, then I think about the people I have met along the way. The Ones that have made me laugh until my stomach hurts. The Ones with whom I’ve gone so far down a rabbit hole we’ve come out on the other side as different people. The Ones that I’ve rescued from the riptide. And, the Ones that have stopped me from rowing my dinghy to shore (because, yes, I’ve had rough days, too). You all know who you are.

So, I find myself putting up with the day-to-day humdrum of the Life of a Lukola, chatting with the people I now consider my friends, and waiting.

Waiting for something different to happen. A disruption to the current cycle. A new kind of chaos – preferably, the kind that mortally wounds the Jakola and Lutonia love triangles and finally allows the Lukolas to have (and keep) nice things.

But, in the meantime, I am still sitting here – listening for that quiet but distinct sound – but also contemplating knocking the Risk board off the table.

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[aisling-saoirse]

Growing Paw Paws from seed: 2024

Some of y'all may recall last year I made a Plant Profile post after finding my first Paw Paw (they don't really grow this far north in NJ so this was exciting). Well after eating the fruit I decided to see if I could propagate the seeds and I was very successful!

Below I'll describe my process and some tips, this was unconventional towards how I usually grow saplings but I was in my final year of a masters program, needed to be as cheap as possible, and this is probably easier for those of you in apartments

So you want to propagate paw paws? It's not hard it just requires a bit of understanding.

When I found my first Paw Paw I was on the University of Pennsylvania campus, I saw a tree in front of a multi-faith church and immediately recognized the fruit. My friends and I climbed up the branches to get some bigger fruits and then we basically ate them on a nearby bench.

Once I had the seeds (I started with 14, only 4 viable) I walked home and washed off any debris then I wrapped the seeds in a damp paper towel (wring out excess water) and placed them in a plastic bag in the fridge for 3ish months

Around February I decided to grow them, I had some extra cardboard pots I was starting oaks in (image 3: ps I hate these pots) and knew I could use this to to start the seeds, at the same time I asked a friend to grow paw paws so we had a diverse gene pool to produce fruit. Paw paws need deep pots because they develop a taproot that can easily reach 12" the first year, instead of buying multiple deep pots you can place disposable pots in a bigger container with soil. If you find like long/narrow containers those are your best option.

I used left over peatmoss (but loamy potting soil will be better) and placed them 1" deep each. I then cut off the bottoms of my small cardboard containers and placed those together in a deeper pot I had (image 4). You want to retain moisture, so also cover the pots in plastic wrap. Of course water enough to keep the soil moist that goes without saying.

Paw paws take about a month to germinate above the soil but still need the increased light levels. Keep an LED light on above it (these are very cheap to operate) They will start growing a taproot soon after you plant them and occasionally will break the surface, just try to keep it covered in dirt.

Once they appear above the surface (this was march-april for me), let them grow till they develop like 4-5 leaves before planting out. I kept them in my Frankenstein pots until about June when I had time to exchange with my friend (he grew like 18 with seeds from an online seller but stunted their taproots a bit).

Paw paws have a natural insecticide in their leaves, I didn't encounter any herbivory from both deer and insects but I left my best specimens in a sapling cage. I planted about 8 in my yard, all around 4 inches tall (image 5), in partial shade conditions. When you plant the sapling dig a little deeper than the taproot and leave soil around the taproot itself, it helps to have a deep trowel. For amendments, I mixed in richer compost soil with the native soil, but for a few I gave no amendment (I wanted to test if it made a big difference). Ultimately those which grew the most were in brighter conditions but they all did okay, my largest ended up being 15" (image 6) which is the same development as some nursery stock I've encountered for $165...

On a side note you're not supposed to move them once planted but I ended up having to do this with one. I did break the taproot in half, however this sapling still survived so these trees are a bit hardier than others have implied.

So, is this the best way to grow paw paws? No absolutely not. Is it cheap and basically using just garbage...yes! Try to grow your own :)

[mikerickson]

I worked as a poll worker for the first time yesterday

After the primaries in the summer, our County recognized that they had a poll worker shortage leading into the election this year and started putting out advertisements to bring new people in. I realized that I didn't know literally a single person in my life that had been a poll worker before and that it was something I had always taken for granted. With this looming shortage however, I decided to step up and do my civic duty because why not? After a three hour in-person training session and a two hour online training session, I was ready to go.

More under the cut because honestly some of these interactions with voters are kinda depressing:

I had only signed up to do a half-day shift from 5:15 AM to 1:00 PM because I figured I'd be wiped out and exhausted if I did a whole day. Well turns out that my replacement who was supposed to take up the evening shift never showed up, so I ended up staying. I got to the polling location (a local high school) at 5:00 AM and left at 9:30 PM, effectively working a 16.5 hour day with only a 1 hour lunch break. I'll get a $300 check in two weeks, which, hey, beats jury duty!

By law our polling center was supposed to open to the public at 6:00 AM sharp, but we were scrambling and not ready yet when the vote-before-work crowd started banging on the door. Very stressful start to the morning and we immediately had a big line that didn't dwindle down until about 7:30 AM. I unironically wish I had gotten there even earlier.

Our polling location had four districts, and each district had four workers (two to man the check-in table, one to operate the voting booths and ballot scanners, and one to float/rotate out every so often). I was paired with a man and a woman both in their seventies and a woman maybe in her mid forties, but they were all clearly uncomfortable with technology. Two of the other districts were also staffed by old people who just gave up at the first sign of a problem with a touch screen or a printer jam. I'm talking just a complete lack of problem-solving capabilities. I ended up running triple duty checking people in, making sure voters were set up in their booths properly, and doing on-the-fly tech support and troubleshooting. It felt rewarding multitasking and hearing, "get Mike over here, he'll fix it" over and over, but I kinda wish I didn't have to?

We only had two voters make a scene over the course of the entire day. During the morning rush right after opening a woman raised her voice asking why there was a line and stressing out that she had to leave to go to work soon (she stuck it out in line and then bolted out of there). Later around lunch time a guy at one of the other districts' tables shouted something like, "oh, so my dad can vote here but I can't?" He stormed out in a pissy mood shortly after, but I never got the full story of what was going on there.

I had one man who had recently moved and hadn't updated his registration with the board of elections, so his address didn't match what was on file. I explained that he could still vote if he did a provisional ballot, which is basically like a mail-in ballot that you put in a special envelope and leave at the polling station instead of taking it to a drop-off box. Apparently that was a step too far and he just said, "forget it..." and left. Seemed odd to me that he 1) physically drove to a voting location to vote and 2) waited in line to sign in, but that filling out a single sheet of paper was no longer worth it.

Once we were fully set up and getting into the flow of things most of the delays and reasons for lines were the voters taking too long inside the booths. It was basically a giant touchscreen monitor to select your choices, then you review everything one last time before printing a physical ballot. I had multiple people enter the booth and then wait about five minutes before calling for help saying they didn't know what to do. Also the second page/backside of the ballot was for the local Board of Education candidates, and this was really tripping up a lot of people. Also a staggering amount of people just did not see the giant "NEXT" arrow at the bottom right hand side of the screen. Poll workers are not allowed to enter the booth with them, so I had to do a lot of blind troubleshooting from the other side of the curtain.

Lots of men coming in with their wives and girlfriends and just waiting by the wall while the women voted but they didn't.

There was a smattering of young people, but not many. I did have to turn one girl away who recently turned 18 because New Jersey is not a same-day voter registration state. She was visibly bummed out and I felt bad about that.

Our oldest voter of the day was this ancient Polish woman who didn't speak a lick of English. Her daughter, who must've been in her eighties herself, had to sign a special permission slip to enter the booth with her mother to help. They were in there for a good 15 minutes, but luckily this was during a calm period of the day.

In terms of voter attire, we only had two Harris shirts and one Harris/Walz hat we had to ask people to cover up because that's not allowed within 100 feet of the polling station. Lots of Puerto Rico flags, and one guy had this obnoxious shirt of a coquí painted like the flag that I loved. Also had one man come in wearing a very sharp suit with the loudest red tie I've ever seen in my life who proudly shouted, "Let's make voting great again!" as he left after he finished.

One older Hispanic lady (I think she was Puerto Rican) had very broken English and had to do a provisional ballot for some reason. She was so worried she was going to do it wrong, but I walked her through it with my very broken Spanish and after about 20 minutes she was good to go. She was extremely thankful and gave me a hug.

I had one woman, maybe in her mid-forties, call me over to help when she was inside the booth. She asked, "why are there so many names?" I asked what she meant, and she started listing the down-ballot candidates in the other rows below President and Vice President. She said, "what is 'Senate'? What does that mean?" I explained to her that there were other contests to vote for, and after a telling pause she responded, "...okay..." Not entirely sure I got through to her.

One woman took her very young daughter into the booth with her and a few minutes later called me over. Her screen displayed a "USB device disconnected" error. I looked down and saw that the printer had been turned off. I asked how that happened and the little girl started laughing. Her mother was mortified, but I got them sorted out.

We had one teenager who we had to help insert her ballot into the scanner because her hands were shaking so violently. It was her first time voting and she was extremely nervous. I hope she's doing okay today.

Towards the end of the night this contractor with filthy hands comes in and he's clearly exhausted but wanted to vote anyway. We were shooting the breeze while he signed his voting authority and I said, "I bet I got you beat though, I woke up at 4:30 this morning." He looks up at me and deadpans, "I've been up since 3:30." I yielded and he laughed with me.

Our second-to-last voter of the day was some early-twenties guy who moseyed on in at 7:55 PM (polls legally close at 8:00 PM sharp) and said, "I heard this was going on today." Somehow he was registered and was able to get in and out in no time, but that was just such a casual remark to make that it floored me.

Our absolute last voter of the day was a woman who was on her cellphone the entire time trying to coax her husband - who was in his own car about two blocks away from the sounds of it - to hurry on over before we closed. I could hear him hemming and hawing over it, making some excuse. He didn't make it.

Closing the polls was equally as confusing and stressful as opening them was because there are a lot of very detailed ballot reports to print and specific zip ties with specific barcodes and serial numbers to close up the machines. We were missing a certain lock for the ballot bag that we was preventing all sixteen of us from leaving (no one can leave until all districts at the polling location are ready). Eventually I (because of course it was me) found it in a trash can; someone had thrown it out for some reason but no one owned up to doing it.

As we were leaving and all saying goodbye, some of the other poll workers joked, "see you guys in four years!" I pointed out that there are elections every year, and that in fact New Jersey has a gubernatorial election next year, and some of them basically said, "I didn't know that."

Overall a stressful but memorable day. Today I was talking to some co-workers that voted at different locations within my County (so using the same equipment I was trained on), and they were telling me stories of waiting between 45 minutes to two and a half hours at most. My location never got a line that bad, which maybe had to do with the location I got assigned, but it's also just as possible that me and one other guy around my age (shout out to Giovanni working District 27!) held our shit down and prevented that from happening.

It was a very long day that wiped me out. In a vacuum I don't know that I would want to do it again, but after seeing the incompetence of the standard ilk of poll workers and learning what was happening at other locations, I really feel like I need to. I'd rather these things be run by people like me than not.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA (30f) for losing my cool/snapping at my roommate and friend (30m, who I will call Kyle) because he was too loud playing games online with his friends?

For context, in case it's needed: this happened a couple months ago, but it's been on my mind. We are both autistic and thus got a late start in our adult lives, in several ways. We have been friends for 10 years and have lived together for roughly 7 of them, on and off (we adopted 2 cats together many years ago, its just easier like this so we dont have to separate them or force one of us to be away from the cats. we love them very much. kind of a coparenting situation lol). Kyle has a salaried tech job that's remote for 70% of the time, and I've recently become a full-time online college student after failing to "make it" without a degree.

We live in a tiny 2-bedroom house that Kyle's family owns. We're only charged for utilities, which is why neither of us are leaving anytime soon (contrary to what you might assume, Kyle does not make a lot of money), especially since it's giving me the opportunity to go to school full-time and not worry about rent. Kyle helps me a lot with groceries and other necessities and I do most of the chores.

So we are always basically on top of each other, and sometimes we get on each other's nerves. We try to be respectful of each others' space, but it's hard because there is not much space in the first place.

I had a really busy day studying and doing homework, which is basically every day for me, since I'm taking 6 classes, 4 of which are STEM classes. So I tend to fall asleep early if I'm not unintentionally pulling all-nighters. I was trying to sleep when this happened around 9pm.

He usually closes his door because he knows he can be very loud, but it doesn't help much. I ended up having to close my own door to try and drown out some of his yelling and laughing, which I understand is going to happen and I try not to hold it against him.

But then he opened his door and left it wide open, so I could hear everything, like he was in the same room. Something really funny must have happened because he started scream-laughing.

Despite this being a semi-regular weekly occurrence, I was really startled. I figured, it probably wasn't intentional and he'll try to quiet down and close his door. I tried to relax and as soon as I started to fall asleep, he did it again, except louder.

This time he didn't stop, he was full-on screaming and yelling at the top of his lungs. Kinda like those game streamers/youtubers where literally all they do is scream the whole time? Very similar. My cat, who was asleep under the blanket on top of me, got startled awake and scratched the shit out of my leg.

I think this all triggered a "fight" response because I was suddenly just so incredibly pissed at Kyle, which I tried to get under control, but he would not stop screaming and I literally could not hear myself think.

(I cannot wear earplugs or have anything in/covering my ears for huge sensory reasons.)

Then my cat wanted to leave the room to see what the commotion was, so I had to open the door, which gave me a direct line of sight to to Kyle at his computer.

I walked over to his doorway. Tried to knock and call his name, but he didnt notice with his noise cancelling headphones on. So I slammed my hand against his door to get his attention & yelled "Hey! Shut the fuck up, Kyle!"

He looked surprised to see me and laughed and kinds waved it off and said "sorry, it got a little intense" and he started to explain what they were doing.

I cut him off and said "I don't care. Shut the hell up." He said he could close his door again, and I said "No, you need to stop. Just stop! You're freaking the cats out too!" and I pointed to my leg with huge bloody scratch marks, shut his door, went back to my room, shut my own door. And of course after that I had adrenaline coursing through my body and I couldn't fall asleep anyway.

After that, I didnt hear a single sound from his room apart from an occasional quiet laugh. I started to feel guilty. I think I overreacted and ruined his fun. I know this is his way of blowing off steam halfway through the work week.

I also felt embarrassed because his friends probably heard me throwing a fit. We have lived with them before, and they're exactly that loud every single night. I have had to ask them to quiet down multiple times, and Kyle told me later on that gave them the impression that I'm. Well, "neurotic, controlling bitch" was heavily implied. Kyle is usually a lot more chill, but being around these guys influences him to act more like them.

But, I guess being loud while having fun isn't a crime, especially when it's not even 10pm yet. I feel like I proved his friends right, maybe.

The next morning I apologized, he apologized too, and everything seems to be good between us, but it's been a while and he's a lot quieter during game night now. He's such a reserved and stressed out person, he hardly ever laughs except when he's playing games, so I feel like I destroyed an important outlet.

I told another friend what happened and she said I didn't overreact at all and she would have flipped out way sooner if her husband did that. (Not sure it's comparable I mean we aren't married lol) And for the record, this friend and her husband were once part of a now-fractured friend group including Kyle and his game night friends, but grew apart, for a lot of reasons, but I think mainly because the Loud Gamer Friends never really grew up while everyone else matured and moved on to different phases in life.

Basically my friends current impression of Kyle is that he is a decent person but incredibly emotionally stunted and feels like he may unintentionally cope in ways that often hurt me without caring as much as she thinks he should. Which....feels partially accurate, I guess. But isn't that placing too much responsibility on him for my wellbeing? He does a lot for me, so it felt like an unfair thing to say.

My mom on the other hand, seems to fully think I am an asshole fun-ruiner. She thinks I should have tried harder to calm down. Maybe I should have approached him sooner - nicely.

And I agree. He probably would have tried his best to oblige even if he couldn't fully succeed. But that's the reason I didn't bother - in the past he has only been able to honor that kind of request for maybe 10-15 minutes, then forgets, and it's exhausting to keep reminding him.

Anyway... what does everyone here think?

[starryyskies]

Lil update in case y’all care ( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;) 

I’m moving from my shit apartment starting the beginning of august, and my current semester ends near august 13th. My next semester starts almost 2 weeks after (classes start on the 22nd but it’s good to get it started earlier since most classes open early).

Hopefully by then I’ll be moved out, feel more organized and less stressed, and manage my time a bit better.

Classes are going well despite being super fucking stressful, I’m at the very least passing for now lol

But as for drawing, besides that one doodle I finished and coloured, I haven’t been able to do anything at all. It really disappoints me because I see all this amazing art and my fomo (fear of missing out) gets so bad lol. But I am being responsible and doing my best (╥ᆺ╥；)

Thank you guys for your support and kindness and understanding ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝)

So in case you’re curious my struggles currently read below lol

So, the place I work at, my store is a corporation and we’ve been basically getting babysat by managers from other stores who are also watching their own store, getting paid a shit amount for creating and maintaining not just the scheduling for both stores, but also managing any issues that arise. So we’re on our 4th manager now, and while he’s the sweetest and fucking raddest manager of all times, he is doing the bare minimum for our store. And trust me, I do NOT blame him. To be honest, he is getting paid salary for being a manager of his own store, and it’s like 56k a year or something which isn’t bad at all. But watching a completely different store?

75. Dollars. A WEEK?! That is LITERALLY a slap in the face. That is the CEO saying a big ass fuck you to its employees. So of course he’s doing the bare minimum. Coping and pasting parts of the schedule, he never comes into our store, and while he’s attentive when it comes to issues, he’s our only source of upper management support we have.

We have workers who have worked with the company for 3+ years, 8+ years, and 20 years. They know what they’re doing, but when I am running the shift by myself, I can’t rely on my coworkers to get back to me, because they are not obligated to.

So the schedule is pretty awful sometimes. Sometimes we’re over staffed when we could’ve used the help other times, sometimes we’re severely understaffed. Like for example, today was a shit show. We had 3 people during our busiest time. (I work at a coffee shop) and so we have one person on register who also takes care of the food and packs the deliveries, and then one person on the coffee bar is not enough to handle the amount of drinks they get, so I was basically running back and forth to support both positions while also making sure my coworkers got their breaks. Icing on the cake was when we realized it was way too hot inside the cafe and learned our AC is broken AGAIN! It was 84 degrees before I left work. That is miserable running around taking care of hot drinks and food.

This is something I deal with at least 2 times a week

While also doing school work full time, having a strict deadline to follow to submit assignments (thankfully it’s all online so I can be somewhat flexible)

And on top of all of that, I’m moving in 2 weeks, school finals will be going on by then, and life has been kicking my family in the ass.

My step dad, who I’ve know since I was 6-7, he’s been that second dad to me, I think of him as a hero. He unfortunately has been diagnosed with single cell lung cancer. It had spread to his ribs and femur. While he’s still fighting and going through aggressive treatment, I’m not sure what the outcome will be. He’s putting on a strong face, so I can’t tell how serious it is.

My grandfather is also in the hospital. He’s had a heart condition that requires him to wear an AED pacemaker in his chest, and recently it was used because he had a seizure. He’s not doing too well, and who knows what will happen.

Oh! And my older sister’s wedding is IN TWO MONTHS! I’m the damn maid of honor, and I do nottttt like the attention. She’s the kinda person who likes big fancy weddings but she’s doing her best financially to make it happen, though she also was promoted to manager for her store (we work for the same company) and going through that crazy long training is surly not fun lol.

But anyway, thanks for reading my rambles. Sometimes I feel like nobody really cares but I get reminded that there are people out there who are wondering how I am. So this is for you people

(⸝⸝ᵕᴗᵕ⸝⸝)₊˚⊹ ᰔ

[c00kietin]

@imytheone WHOO

I HAVE COMPLETED THE DRAWING!!

I shall also tag @allmightyscroll-swag as well cuz I like tagging em in oc related stuff :3

While I have drawn the siblings profiles, and Brittany making some appearances, Imma tell you MORE information about them!! >:D

One quick thing: These four are my oldest ocs (along with two others but you don't know em eheheh) from 2020 and at the time of making them I had just found out what Helluva Boss is. These characters were very much inspired off of them, especially Cici and Brittany.

Let's start off with the youngest:

CICI

Like I said, she is the youngest being around 6-7 years old

Pronouns are she/her, I'll just say aroace since I don't picture her being in a relationship at her age-

Cici is part demon thanks to her mother, but hasn't developed horns or a tail yet.

However, she has some powers, that being super strength and flight!

She can't fly very high, although she is the strongest in the family; being able to lift around the same weight as a van full of people. The older you get, the weaker your powers would become; so their mother would have the weakest powers.

Cici swears more than Onika and Zeke, mainly because of her mother. She gets in trouble at school regularly for this. That and for throwing chairs around. And for biting teachers' ankles. She gets in trouble for a lot of things.

Like all children, she has tantrums at times. But, of course, hers tend to get more...violent. Usually ending up with someone breaking a bone or two.

For hobbies, Cici enjoys drawing, roleplaying with toys and making things (whether that's with Lego or metal scraps-)

She doesn't listen to music as much as her siblings do, but her favourite artists are Pharrel Williams and Five Finger Death Punch.

She has insomnia and has a lot of difficulty sleeping.

Her and Onika love watching TMNT together, and are currently on Rise.

Cici's original design was heavily based off the girl with the large bow and brown curly hair that appeared in the first episode of HB. I was quite unoriginal at the time lol.

ONIKA

Onika is the middle child, being 15 years old.

Her pronouns are she/they, and they are also aroace.

Onika's powers aren't as strong as Cici's, but she can fly better and can piggy-back the weight of two adults.

Onika technically has a tail, but it's now a stub because a group of bullies cut it off.

Yeah. She was bullied when she was younger. She was jeered for being both demon and human, and neither species wanted to be friends with her.

This was also mainly because she had anger issues which caused her to have violent episodes if provoked enough, one time being she almost killed a teenager younger than her.

Luckily, she's gotten better now and is practically never violent. Except in Mariokart.

Onika is usually either hyperactive and energetic, or utterly lazy and unmotivated.

She desperately wants to get Maori tattoos like Zeke but her parents don't allow her.

She hates wearing skirts and having her hair down.

Onika doesn't have a lot of hobbies, but she enjoys trying new foods, skateboarding and playing the guitar.

Her favourite artists are AC/DC, Metallica, Twisted Sister and Iron Maiden.

I'm pretty sure I based the hair off of another character I saw online once, but I can't remember her name- all I know is that the hair isn't original:'D

ZEKE

Zeke is the oldest at 19 years old.

His pronouns are he/him and he's gay.

Zeke uses his powers the least and only really uses them for miniscule tasks around the house like moving a bed or fighting his sister.

Yeah. Zeke and Onika fight a lot, more physically than verbally, and it's usually for stupid reasons, like who rightfully had the bag of pretzels first.

Zeke has both a tail and horns (which are still growing).

He also has difficulty with keeping his body temperature warm, so he wears a lot of layers and a lot of black to keep in as much heat as possible.

He has Maori tattoos along the back of his left shoulder as well as part of the left arm, but rarely shows these to people.

Zeke has been teased by many to have a "baby face", which annoys him greatly.

He can be mostly found in his bedroom gaming, listening to music or curled up in a ball in bed.

He likes sleeping. A lot.

His favourite games to play are mainly action/shooter games (I'm not an expert in this department so feel free to decide which ones he likes playing) and occasionally likes to play RPGs.

His favourite artists are Green Day, Linkin Park and The Offspring.

BRITTANY

Brittany is also 19 years old and is best friends with Zeke.

Her pronouns are she/her and is an asexual lesbian.

She practically has no powers. She can float a little, but not much else.

Brittany is a very affectionate person and adores hugging, cuddling, complimenting and kissing people (non-romantically).

She also adores fizzy drinks and cats. She ADORES cats. And animals in general.

If she was to encounter a cat, whether that be an anthropomorphic one or not, she will give them double the amount of affection.

When Brittany's happy, she wags her tail about, shakes her hands and squeals. She does this quite often.

She can be extremely chatty and talkative and could go on for hours on end talking about almost anything.

However, Brittany is extremely clumsy and is prone to falling down the stairs, tripping, running into windows and/or getting her horns stuck in things.

Her hobbies are shopping, going to cafés and watching romcoms.

Her favourite movie is Love, Actually and her favourite artists are Ariana Grande and Twice.

Her original design was heavily based off of Verosika from Helluva, and I still can't let go of the long white hair + pink skin combo :') Fortunately, I think I've managed to differentiate Brittany from her, or I hope-

OKAY I AM NOW DONE I should be sleeping-

[willowsallen]

nataliegate 2023.

firstly, i want to start this by saying this is a safe space if anybody has felt they've been victimized by natalie. this is for any issue - if you're not indigenous, i ask that you don't mention the indigenous issues! this entire thing has opened up all the things that you guys have experienced related to her and i think it's only fair for you to have your peace, as well. in saying that, just know this entire thing stemmed from natalie claiming she was indigenous since around 2016 (i believe) and should remain the main issue (i.e. not starting a discussion within the tags and sending anons all over about anything other than the main issue). but with this, she has now deactivated her blog and left the rpc, so please feel free to come to me and discuss how she's hurt you - because chances are i've had similar issues!

i just want to say what i need to say and i want you all to know natalie was my real friend (i thought). we followed each other on all real-life social media, besides fb, i felt we built an indigenous community together, and she was somebody i felt i could go to if there was ever an issue. this isn't rpc drama, this has affected me personally. i'm unsure if any other indigenous people have had a close relationship with her, as well, but for me, she was the first one i ever had. ever. in real life or online. this feels like a real friendship has ended and i'm doing what i can to move on.

natalie was the first indigenous friend i remember making on this blog. i've been on this specific blog for 6 years, i believe, and ever since i can remember, she has not only been a staple in the indigenous rpc but also the first person i remember connecting with on that level. a brief overview of our friendship goes from being mutuals, not necessarily talking very often, to then talking all the time (for most of the years), creating an indigenous people's server together, speaking about issues within rps that we've approached and talked with and rps that have been continuously problematic and we've had to post publicly.

we've talked about our culture, being white passing, reconnecting, issues within the rpc (and world, frankly) related to indigeneity, and all of our struggles. then we simply drifted off a bit in relation to speaking all the time - i'm unsure of what was going on in natalie's life these past few months, as i had taken a subconscious step back from the rpc to deal with my own life, sometimes make gifs, and speak to my commissions people. then, this entire thing came out and i reached out to natalie privately. up front, i will say of course i don't condone what has been done. we will no longer be friends (though i'm sure she made that decision first) and i will not accept any form of "but what if's" about the situation or her.

in reaching out, i asked if she was okay. i will not be posting screenshots as of now. she explained, in short, that she didn't know what was happening, she was blind-sighted, and was taking time to breathe, in a sense. from the beginning of my messages to her, i told her that only she "knows" one way or another what's true. if she's indigenous, then she has the information she needs to "prove" she's indigenous (which is a horrible way to say it but at that point in time, it was what it was) and told her even i don't know what to make of the situation.

she did not give me any explanation, a long message, or "proof"* for me to have her back, help her, and stand by her side. the few messages i got from her back were saying she blocked tumblr (then unblocked to speak to nikki @nikkiitalks - sending a 23 screenshot long message) and then reblock it. she ended up later on, unprompted, sending me copy/paste messages she was also sending lauren @tifffanyvalentine, even when we did not ask for information, or say the same things as each other. it was continuous copy/paste.

*when i speak about "proof" - always put in quotations because i don't mean it in the colonizer way of "if you're not x% you're not indigenous" but more so when speaking to her i asked for "something" for me to back her up. i meant more so specifics, like something that isn't just "my grandmother said", if that makes sense. because i'd undoubtedly believed her fully until this and her not speaking to me through this entire thing (somebody i thought would come to me), or saying anything other than "i can't believe this is happening" is not entirely convincing. i'm sure other indigenous people would react in different ways, but through talking with some in the rpc, we were all able to speak about things in a way that would completely eradicate the argument those other blogs (the ones that posted screenshots of natalie's life) tried to make. i didn't mean harm in "proving" anything, simply to give some reassurance!

the last message she sent me (and lauren) is as follows: "i've deactivated my blog for my mental health, left indigenousrph before doing so so hopefully that doesn't disappear, but you and ari (who i will be letting know) will have full control on what you want to do about it. i will probably be taking a break from discord as well, if i ever even decide to re-join discord. deactivating is something i've been thinking of since yesterday, and it is fully my choice i went with. i am sorry."

my reply to this was long, i'll spare this already extensive post, and stated that i asked her why she didn't come to me? if she "knows" she's indigenous, why didn't she just send ME information* that helps me to back her up? what was the issue? i didn't understand why she did what she did (not letting me / other indigenous peoples help her) when it could've been avoided altogether. i sent that at 5:27pm yesterday and have not received a reply.

*please check aforementioned paragraph about "proof" as this is the "information" i meant.

natalie had continuously made me uncomfortable, but not scared. i did not get the brunt of what she's done, as i've seen other people posting about her, but do understand the feeling. i'm a member of indigenousrph and the first time i decided to answer a post - this post - about can we use pretendians if we use them as their real ethnicity? i posted it. she messaged me on discord asking if she can add on. which then she did. her message contradicts mine. i'm of the mind: this is rp. unless somebody is an actual racist, abuser, etc. they're fine. even booboo stewart being played as an asian man, that's okay with me. but she had to be the voice for the indigenous, she would not allow me to have my own.

or if an opinion i made in the indigenous server we had did not match up to her standards, she would publicly disagree and then come to me in private. we've had "arguments" before. nothing vicious, but she made it well known what she believed (made it seem like it was fact) and that i should be the one to change my mind. i always had to placate her, to appease her. and not for nothing, she stated she started reconnecting after high school (or college?) unsure of the date. i've been reconnecting since i was 14/15. i'm 27, about to be 28 in november. i'm not saying i "know more" i'm saying i have more experience living as an indigenous person, period.

i have uplifted her, supported her, listened to her, and helped her through many things. and she has done the same to me. this is not an rpc issue - this is an issue that happened in the rpc. this hurt is real. i lost a friend. i trusted somebody who had been lying the entire time about something that is one of the most important things in my life. my identity, our identity. i hope this isn't something you see and the take away is "don't believe indigenous people" or "always question indigenous people" or not take us seriously when we speak, answer questions, write guides, or call anti-indigenous things out. this is a one in a million thing that happened, please remember that.

this is almost the end! i wanted to thank the ally's that came to me directly, privately, to show their support without taking away from the issue. @madelyncilne (el, my bestest friend of all time, you know how i feel), @dinadenoires (taylor, you're such an amazing person you don't even know the support you give to me, especially during this time), drea (who is no longer in the rpc, but whom i've become very close with and think of her as a friend i can turn to when i need to, has been backing me up since this whole thing started), @maidavika (serre, you've been updated on this entire thing and no matter what i said, you couldn't believe this was actually happening - you were validating me and supporting me throughout), @silverduckie (katie, you were the very first non-indigenous person to reach out to me and ensure i was doing okay when you didn't have to and i thank you immensely), @katherine-mcnamara (dev, even though you were thrown into this, you've shown nothing but kindness to me and to the indigenous community consistently), @rey1x1 (rey, i thank you for checking in when i was leaving servers, even though i didn't think anybody would notice, and for your compassion offered to me), @gordonramsei (emily, even when you had your own "drama" going on, you still were able to come ask me how i was doing).

i wanted to give this space to the indigenous people who have banded together during this time (specifically to me, i know there's others out there!) @ladysgodiva (rosie, for being my ride or die, my cousin, my rez dog when needed, i can always turn to you for the laughs and to say the hard things that need to be said), @tifffanyvalentine (lauren, you have no idea how much i love you dude, we've bonded so much and shared so many real experiences together), @quietanarchy (beau, loving that you're so straightforward and are able to be so open about your own experience and lift us all up), @nikkiitalks (nikki, i've always thought of you as a mother figure - not because you're OLD! but because that's the kind of comforting energy you bring, especially towards me whether you know it or not), @heartbsl (tk, for being an honorary indian member even though you're kānaka maoli, you know exactly what we're going through and have been nothing short of amazing this entire time).

thank you all for checking in. i won't apologize that this is long because it's what i needed to say, but thank you for taking the time and for standing with indigenous peoples.

[soaringwide]

Hello, Soaringwide, how are you?

I just saw your Get to know your tarot reader - ask game. The questions are really interesting so I want to ask a few questions (I actually want to know your answers to all the questions 😆)

✒️ What’s a quote that sums up your philosophy?

🐦‍🔥 What’s a belief you once held that you no longer do?

🦅 What does personal growth mean to you, and how do you pursue it?

Have a nice day, and thank you for all the insightful PACs and tarot posts 💐

Hello :D

Doing okay today, it's 6 am and I'm about to go to work, and you? :)

Haha feel free to post as well (haven't checked if you did but I will) so I can ask a few too! thank you for your questions :D

✒️ What’s a quote that sums up your philosophy?

I'm a massive fan of everything from Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet, but I've also been obsessed with Rimbaud's work every since I was a teenager. So, hard to pick but I'd say I keep coming back to this one:

“The poet makes himself a seer through a long, immense reasoned deranging of all his senses. All the forms of love, of suffering, of madness; he tries to find himself, he exhausts in himself all the poisons, to keep only their quintessences.” - Rimbaud

Idk there is something about embracing the chaos with all your senses and diving within you that I find extremely inspiring in Rimbaud's writings, and validating in a way, because it explains what animates me in life and explains why it seems I always look for intensity in everything...

🐦‍🔥 What’s a belief you once held that you no longer do?

There was a dark time in my life, the year leading up to the plague, where I was a bit too obsessed with a niche new age youtuber, some type of small scale online guru that i started listening because i thought she gave me spiritual insight on my life; which ended up confusing me and leading me astray more than anything.

Ever since I have a big dislike for anything starseed and magical alien related, because the whole thing left me a sour taste and comes with rotten ideas of like ''everything is meant to happen and will always be fine, you're destined for success if you just manifest it well enough, there is nothing but light, YOU are just so sPeCiAL, all your symptoms are proofs that you are ascending and everyone who doesn't believe that is in the matrix or whatever, ...", there is no critical thinking allowed and so many things that didn't fit with my world view that I was silencing because what she was saying was making me feel good in the moment.

Idk I just LOATH how that movement targets vulnerable people at the worst time for them to give them false hope and derail their real potential for recovery by masking everything with a collective lie that serves no good except making whoever is spewing them richer and more powerful.

What made me snap out of it is when covid started early 2020 and she (of course) started spewing conspiracy theories about what was happening, of the like of ''the earth is purging itself to ascend, you have nothing to worry about you will not get sick... and also it was made by the chinese...'', and I was like, this is getting weird I'm out. So I just unfollowed and never went back to that...

🦅 What does personal growth mean to you, and how do you pursue it?

As a 31 yo, I truly believe that while you can't do much about your body aging (yes cosmetically you can, but it won't stop you from dying at some point), you absolutely can do something about your Heart.

There is something I noticed in people who let bitterness take a hold of their Heart (which can happen at any time but gets worse as you get older), and it's that it changes you, and I think you lose something here. You're no longer longing for the future, looking ahead and hoping to make a change in the world and in your own life. You're just defeated and looking at everything pessimistically, judging the youth for being too this or too that. You lose the spark, the passion and the ability to dream the future. Life becomes that heavy routine that has lost all magic.

So at this point, personal growth means never to lose sight of that, and how I pursue it is to always have something going on within me that pushes me forward, a dream to hold on, a passion to cherish, for that keeps my Heart young while I accumulate wisdom in the right places and age without losing myself.

But yeah, it's difficult and some days I can't do it so well, but I'm determined and it's like, the goal of my life I'd say.

ask me a question from here

[astrohkid]

very likely going to flunk one of my classes from this semester and ultimately have no one to blame but myself. just couldn't be bothered to hand things in, start assignments, was never happy with finished assignments. really had a near impossible time adapting to this course and while i take responsibility for not just toughing it out but i also can't help but feel like teaching an observational drawing class online and doing another class entirely self-directed is a recipe for disaster and also feels... scammy. like i wouldn't have chosen this program if i had known ahead of time that those two classes would be taught that way, on top of another class of mine that is all about potential career paths in the various design industries but really has only managed to push me further and further to suicide watch. an entire two classes were dedicated to pushing straight-up propaganda about AI to the point where my prof said outright "do not listen to what the media is saying about AI," and encouraging a group of bright-eyed 18 and 19 yr olds to test out ChatGPT by using it to make schedules and grocery lists and like...... kms. already feel like an insane cranky old person bc how the fuck is this setting up the next generation for anything other than utter failure and further alienation from like, their own habits/skills/practices? are we not alienated enough. i think the reason why i didn't get it together at all is because i felt such a disconnect from the learning systems and it's really like damn... college is truly different than university. i've never had a teacher actively discourage critical thinking before and i think that paired with the lack of evidence that this program will actually transition into graphic design has left me completely disjointed and depressed and anxious 24/7. admittedly i feel less than enthusiastic about a career in graphic design bc all i really want is to know how to use the adobe suite and make video game advertising which is entirely possible as a career i expect but like idk i fear i am weak. next step in my journey is contacting a psychologist and securing some kind of prescription and/or treatment for my anxiety which i am certain stems from adhd. idk. just feel a bit trapped by all potentials atm and scared that i will never be able to self-actualize in the way i think i should be able to. at a real low point rn and feel entitled and stupid for thinking this would be easy and failing to live up to my own promise to myself ahhh

anyway i have some solutions. going to reach out to student success coordinator to see if i can double apply to graphic design - once in jan for general applicants and again in april as part of my program to ensure i get in, but if i flunk this class idk. i will have an exemption for a comms class next semester so it does free me up for a make-up course... i will have to see what's up. i did get two jobs that i'm juggling too, which has been good bc i actually like them and it's good to have money again after almost 6 months whittling down my savings. so i think that like... idk yesterday i was genuinely looking down the barrel symbolically and questioning everything about the future. i think i'm too obsessed with mitigating regret but i think it's bc i'm wired to naturally... avoid making tough choices which inevitably leads to regret. i think i just need to start caring about myself and my future!! why is this the arc i have been stuck in for the last 4 years ugh

[fcb-mv33]

It’s been a while since I’ve been on F1 tumbler but I had a scroll down through your feed and 100000% agree with what you say about Skyf1 and certain fanbases 👀.

F1 needs to start coming out with statements about these fans because they are twats, I mean booing Max because he won at Miami where I believe is a majority of people are Mexicans and of course they love Checo but my god most fans are twats because I saw some moaning saying that Checo should of started on hards like ok love the other 6 drivers would of swallowed him up and max would of got to Checo on lap 2 😂, Checo while I love him he has had some luck with some of his wins Baku 2021 Max would of won if his tyre did blow up.

I hate F1 fans honestly, social media has made fandoms so bad 🫠

Honestly some of these fans would not of survived Senna, Schumacher, Prost, Hunt, McLaren Lewis, and Redbull Seb 😂😂😂

Also all I’m going to say about these people that Cyber Bully Max which what they are doing is the correct term, let’s hope none of their Kids, Nieces and Nephews, Godchildren, and Friends get the abuse thrown at them like how they do to Max and other Drivers I mean do they think it’s okay because it’s Max noooo, as someone who was bullied severely in Secondary School I hope that no one goes through what I did, let’s hope those people who are throwing abuse at Max on Twitter or Insta never has to see a loved one cry about the abuse they are getting face to face and online because that will be Karma and honestly their own fault.

And those people who ‘Manafest’ Redbull and Max’s downfall guess what huns what you put out there comes back to bite you on the ass and it’s there favourite driver gets it I mean it’s called self gain, you want to be Cool and post it everywhere it will be your favourite driver gets fucked In the end and I sit there and laugh 😂😂

Sorry for the rant but I needed to say it and I love how blunt and truthful you are keep it coming

Nah never apologize for ranting bestie I love all the rants I get!! And I absolutely agree none of them would survive watching old f1, hell not even the English media could survive it. I’ve always said they only talk good about a legend of a sport once they aren’t a threat to their golden English boys🙄

See the thing is and I’ve said before it really isn’t the booing that bothers me. It’s the chanting abuse at Max and now his team, it’s the chanting about his mother, chanting wishing him to die that is what bothers me. The lack of response from Formula 1, Sky sports f1 and also the f1 community really shows that they all find it absolutely okay for people people to abuse Max, in person, right near him. They think that Max apparently doesn’t have feelings, that he can just take it because he’s Max, he’s Dutch forgetting that he is a 25 year old young man.

I understand it doesn’t bother him but Jesus Christ all he’s doing is going out and promoting f1 and their anti hate campaign only to get left in the cold on his own, no support but is expected to call out his fans who have done nothing near to what Checo, Lewis and Ferrari fans have done to him. He’s constantly attacked online when it comes to his body, his face, his driving, his personal life and at some point you have to wonder do these people have such miserable life’s to abuse a young man who they will never meet? I agree with you 100% that I hope yo god they will never have to see a loved one go through the level of abuse max does.

People acting like Red Bull have dominated since 2021 and it’s so fucking annoying because if Merc weren’t lying about their bouncing issue the rules would have worked just fine. Honestly some “fans” need to go back to eating chips on their sofa instead of sitting at their computer spewing hate towards max. 

[cozymochi]

🌻 >:)

IM FOUND ONE OF THESE MEMES IN MY DRAFts! Im gonna rank my experiences in the major fandoms i’ve engaged with.

🩵 YUGIOH! - Second longest running fascination. Upside!! Made life long friends. DOWNSIDE!! Was my first go at online engagement and in those 10 years so much happened that I still can’t help but feel a little sour. …Though ygo back in the day wasn’t good at tag comments, so I didn’t even know those were a thing for years until I branched out. 5/10. But grows to a 7/10 because i’ve settled into a niche area with so few people that it’s now a silly little club. 💕

🧡 Dragon Ball/Z - GENUINE CHAOS. Started off slow but intensified hard cuz get who got involved while Super was airing??? (I didn’t watch it lol), so the discourse and fighting was at an all time high. I have no idea how I even survived this in retrospect. My slight association with people netted me troll asks and my liking of Yamcha also set me up for those. …and frequent art reposting, and quite a few bizarre interactions. Pretty sure my art and edits have circulated more in latin america than I even know. This was also pre-tumblr purge so the amount of nsfw that got thrown my way is… something. That said!! Made also really good friends 💕 and DB/Z probably desensitized me to longer form discussions. 5/10 for insanity, but 8/10 for good reception and VERY PEAK and generous humans.

I think dbz hardened me.

💚 Invader Zim- started off fun (mostly irl with my friendo from days of YGO), but quickly devolved into territory that tested my patience. WHY ON EARTH THIS SERIES’ CONSUMERS had such a huge morality high ground base is beyond me. It’s this fandoms fault I learned about certain modern day online discourse terms and what instilled an irrational posting fear for a year lol. Fun at first and there’s super creative and receptive folk (then those people got kicked out) and left the most insufferable beings imaginable. There’s no in between. Shoutout to all 3 friends made who are still peak. 3/10, if I ever finish any remaining projects or decide to bite the bullet and show completed work, i’m not engaging again. The base just skews somewhere I can’t handle. Which is crazy given the ABOVE contenders have, on paper, done so much more.

dbz hardened me but iz weakened me. Which is probably why i need the formers bootcamp back. Don’t think I’m as fearful now, but i’ll still be salty.

💜 Twisted Wonderland - this is a work in progress experience. Will require further evaluation if all of the above experiences haven’t set my standards. Will stay in my corner. So far it’s 6/10 in vibes (they’re much calmer than the last one), tho I question how much of the interest is from what i do vs. what I did for others. Haven’t shared a ton of opinions yet and god knows lol we don’t want that /s. Still recovering from the former making me wanna just not do much. Baby steps I suppose.

💙 - Sonic The Hedgehog: This is a cheat, I have never interacted with the fandom directly (purely by happenstance, so thankfully no traces exist), but I have been into this since I was a child with no issues. So by default this is the best one. 10/10, didn’t engage, but I do lurk. Though all the stuff I see on tweeter isn’t exactly anything out of the norm for fandoms in general to do, so it weirds me out that people rag on this one for just kinda talking amongst themselves about innocuous things.

“omg this fandom is arguing over QUILL length ughhh can they never be pleased [30 yt videos about this drop]” ngl, this just feels like par for the course junk fandoms do. It really feels no different from DBZ where people go ham about the art style changes and which one is better. Or stupid shit in IZ where they fight about comics vs movie vs show. Like??? The only major difference here is that StH has more people in it (by the millions).

So literally nothing these folk do or say strikes me as anything more serious than what other fandoms already do??? Its just more outsiders see it then churn out content and perpetuate something worse from what’s honestly….pretty tame stuff. Maybe it’s just twitter’s setup given that’s all folk talk about.

[lcandothisallday]

my response below🫶🏼

i took out that part cos i can only really speak for myself and don’t feel comfortable dragging someone into this. that being said, like i said i can only answer for myself so i guess here’s my answer:

1) i do still talk to other jack blogs, just not as much cos there isn’t much in common to talk about anymore but there’s no bad blood between us at all. i love them all

2) jack personally doesn’t excite me anymore and truthfully I got annoyed at him “gatekeeping his fan experience.” you can truly only enjoy being his fan if you have the money, time, and online status to keep up with him 24/7. because he only caters his fan experience to those type people. Of course this is just my opinion but as a canadian fan who doesnt have the funds to do much outside of Toronto, it def sucked. it’s not like that with other artists i feel (which I’m sure you could argue) but I haven’t dealt with that gatekeeping before.

3) again I can only speak for myself but yes i did leave the fandom but I did NOT leave y’all behind. if anything y’all left me behind lmao. i can strongly confirm that no anons from my jack days come in anymore. people only liked me when I wrote and they only interacted when I wrote. and hey that’s fine by me but i never ignored yall cos y’all never showed up to begin with😅

4) me personally, i didn’t stop writing cos of “interaction”. My interaction for the most part was quite high and satisfactory cos I was writing at the peak of this fandom. however I noticed that writing gave me ✨anxiety✨ and too much delusions and lowkey it was unhealthy for me so when I got busy with life and pulled away, i really started to enjoy this app more cos i literally treat it like twitter and just shit post for giggles lol

5) im truly sorry if you feel like you were left behind in this fandom. the jack fandom may be lacking atm but there’s surprisingly SO much content out there. and I’m sure it’s only slow cos he hasn’t really been doing anything lol. As for the relationship you’ve garnered with other blogs, i know it sucks when we leave high and dry and stop interacting but for me at least it goes both ways and at the end of the day you can’t force anyone to stay😅

6) i am appreciative for every single person ever that has shown me and my writing love over the past like 2 years? wild lol. i hope you know that if you interact with me I will be just as enthusiastic with my response! but it is what it is

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for using my moms money to buy games?

The title sounds bad, but I'm not sure how else to word it. This is also going to be a weird one as, in advance, I know the other party isn't an asshole, however I think it's a similar situation im tone and I really need some feedback on this.

I'm 22 and live with my mom and cat. I've lived with her my whole life, and continue to due to disability. My mom has 2 jobs that she mainly works on weekends, and I'm unemployed. Ever since covid it's been incredibly difficult for me to find work because it is still very much a thing despite what people want to believe, and I can't be in contact with random people physically due to immune issues and the chance of getting sick. Online jobs are apparently very hard to find (my mom has tried) and many ask for a payment beforehand. I do however get social security income that pays most of our bills/utilities, and we're also on foodstamps for groceries.

My family has never been well off. I wouldn't call us dirt poor, we've never had to go hungry, and I always had toys to play with/clothes as a kid. But my mom has had to manage funds well and we've never had a lot of money for leisure or frivolous purchases. My mom will buy herself things like some new clothes, a phone charger, roku set, etc smaller things like that when she gets her paycheck but extra expenses such as furniture have to be planned out probably weeks/months ahead of time. We also moved recently and ever since then our budget has been more difficult, the down payment really screwed with my moms expenses.

Because of our situation, I never really had games growing up. I remember we had maybe 3 big family consoles during me and my sisters whole childhood (with like 3-6 games on them each, most of which were guitar hero which my mom and sister loved to play), and I would get a new handheld for myself every few years. I never got to play the new exciting games people were always talking about, and my gaming experience has really been limited to like. Animal crossing, the sims, and cooking mama.

I played a bunch of roms as a kid so that helped, but I was always kinda sad and felt left out that I never got to experience gaming the way other people did. I really wanted to try the "classics" people talked about but didn't have any way to. People (especially as I got into my 20s and started following streamers + nintendo direct for example) would always talk about the New Thing coming out and playing it the day it dropped, all the excitement and community people had around that, but if I really wanted that kind of game, I'd have to wait a few years before getting it and trying it out, and by then no one was playing it anymore anyways.

As time went on things got a little better. Especially because of my moms new jobs, both of which she genuinely loves doing, though it's still work, we have been a bit better off. It's only been recently we started struggling more again.

Recently I've been kind of asking for things from my mom. Mostly it's steam games. I found I've gotten much more into gaming as a hobby as I've gotten older, and I have a long wishlist of games that I really want to get into, but of course have no money to myself. I should also clarify that NONE of these are those big triple A $60 titles, as I still can't ever justify paying something so expensive for one game. So sometimes lately I've been asking my mom "hey, can I get this/these games?" And use her money/card to purchase them. I don't do it constantly, or even super often, but I feel like it's becoming more often and it makes me feel really guilty.

I have done this before, around high school I started asking my mom for certain things I wanted around the house, and usually she had no problem buying them for me. This also wasn't large stuff, nothing ever over $30 and usually only up to $20. But when I'd find something I *really* wanted, especially if it was a time limited thing like merch drops from a favorite content creator, often yarn for my knitting or art supplies I wanted to try, I would ask her.

I've pretty much always felt guilty about this. I would ask for something despite my better judgement, and for the most part my mom would say yes, and that it was okay, whereas I was the one apologizing and asking if it was "really alright". She has told me she has no issues buying things for me as long as I ask her. She says the social security I get is "technichally my money", and that she wants me to be able to use it. (Obviously we don't use the actual ssi to buy random shit, but her giving me spending money is the next best thing).

Every time I've asked my mom for something like this, I've told myself that it would be the last time, that I would get my own job and own money and not mooch on my mom anymore, but both with the stress of chronic illness and depression I never seem to get around to it. I try to do dishes and keep my room clean, take care of the cat etc as ways I can help without working, but for some reason the money really weighs on me. I know that it's really my fault, I haven't even been looking for jobs and I could always take art commissions again, but somehow a mental block always stops me.

I feel like I have a bit of an impulsivity problem when it comes to spending. The money I got from my one summer job and commissions would never last long, and honestly I couldn't even tell you what I spent it on for the weeks I had it. I have issues taking money from people, but when I realized that I may not have had the stuff I wanted as a kid simply because I never asked for/communicated that I wanted it, it made me more bold to actually ask my mom for things.

I never pester my mother about this. I'll ask once and if she says no I'll be dissapointed but won't continue. Sometimes she says that we don't have the money for it then, or that I'll have to wait until xyz thing is paid for, which is always fine. I also have *never* bought anything with her money without asking first. I get pretty much all the steam games I buy on sale (usually that's what prompts me to ask about them, actually) as personally I can't justify getting games for their asking price for the experience I'm going to get.

I feel bad as I feel like I'm wasting our money, mooching off my mom and not putting in the work to have spending money myself. I also worry that sometimes when she says it's fine, it's untrue and she's really just trying to make me feel better. I also sometimes don't play the games as soon as I get them, I have a sizeable backlog of games I have gotten but haven't "got around" to playing as I was excited to get them at a low price at the time, but then haven't felt like I'm in the right mood. This also makes me feel worse because I feel like I'm not being appreciative enough of her buying for me.

So am I the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[goldammerchen]

@polpruweek Day 6: Fake Dating & Nostalgia loosely interpreted (+ Day 7 Late nights at home)

Weekend

Some new semi routine, and nosy people. >2k words / AO3

201X, Warsaw.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Hit me.”

“Do you go to Sunday service in Berlin, or you only go here?” Feliks asked to Gilbert, both walking away from the Holy Trinity Church to Feliks’ car. Picking Gilbert from said Church some Sundays’ evenings was starting to become routine.

“Almost never, and… Yes.” Gilbert smirked. “Didn’t think that before.”

Feliks rolled his eyes. He would ask more questions, but preferred to talk about different topics. If Gil only going to Church in his house and reverting to the average non religious Berliner at his home had a meaning, he didn’t want to think about it, at least not for now.

(Though, the other time it was fun seeing the Archbishop happy after a liturgy, having a supposedly young men in the service, and watch his face when he realized who Gilbert was: “Ah, it’s you, Mister… East Ge—Prussia.” “Bishop… I’m afraid you have mixed two things, but yes.”)

“Well, you went to Mass in the morning, I’m just back from the Holy Eucharist… Let’s go drinking!”

Feliks snorted. “No! We said we were going to eat pizza!”

“Boooo—Not to the pizza, boo to the lack of alcohol.”

“We can drink at my house.”

“Deal.”

*****

In a local restaurant, the two alone were eating a familiar size of a Margherita pizza (one that both liked without arguments). Feliks and Gilbert discussed while eating about the last few games they have played. By accident, both became followed Steam game reviewers, in their respective languages—besides the occasional reviews translated to English.

Were they paid for this? No, it’s just that both liked having the opinions heard. People didn’t know who they actually were, so it was a nice balance of people liking their opinions without getting, too personal. Both hoped it stayed that way, gamers communities often left a lot to be desired, extra attention would make things worse. But it wasn’t all bad, online they could just be just online users, common people.

“That was a disappointing game,” said Gilbert, “8/10 it’s too much!”

“Well, I just don’t think the same. Maybe you don’t know how to enjoy anything.” Feliks wanted to lightly hit his forehead with his palm, but resisted, instead taking a sip from his tea (“just drink something cold, like me!” “Don’t want to!”).

“Me, not knowing how to enjoy things? I live life to the fullest!”

Yeah, sure.

“In fact—!”

“Uh, excuse me…” A short young waitress—thankfully—interrupted Gilbert. She was carrying with her a fresh glass of sparkling water for the loud customer. “Here’s you water, sir.”

He picked the glass. “Thank you…” He turned to Feliks. “What I was saying…?”

Feliks gestured with his eyes to Gilbert, to make him look at the waitress again: she hadn’t move, standing there with the mouth slightly ajar. Crap.

“Can I help you?” asked Gil.

“Are you guys dating…?” she replied, almost murmuring.

“What?!” exclaimed Gilbert, startling the poor (albeit nosy) girl. “We are not!”

“I mean, like, kinda,” added Feliks, joking out of nervousness, while running his left on his hair: “but we are not together of course, he just comes here often.”

When Feliks looked up, both Gilbert and the waitress were staring at him with the mouths in agape. Gilbert in particular was furrowing his eyebrows.

The waitress bolted away from their table. “I’m so sorry!”

“What?” said Feliks, trying to not stammer. “I didn’t say anything wrong.”

“Then don’t say ‘kinda’!” he said through clenched teeth, gesticulating his mouth with exaggeration. Gilbert placed his elbows on the table, intertwining his hands’ fingers in front of his nose, which didn’t entirely hide his flushed face. He looked to the streets through the window.

Feliks, also blushing, lifted one of his pizza pieces, Gilbert having already finished his half. He put the pizza down again, not hungry anymore.

“Sorry, that was stupid.”

“Idiotic you mean,” snapped Gilbert, without changing his position.

“Come on, you don’t have to be an asshole.” One of Feliks’ lower eyelids twitched. He would have replied more beligerent if they weren't in public.

“If you want me to stop coming here just said it, and I’ll leave you alone.”

“I was just joking before! Stop jumping to conclusions.”

Gilbert shifted in his chair, now crossing his arms. Feliks would make fun of Gil sulking, if wasn’t that it would make things what he was trying to fix worse.

“Giiiil,” continued Feliks, “I like playing when you come here to play video games with. And you help me with my PC even if I can change parts myself.”

A quick smile flashed on Gilbert’s face, then scoffed. “Sure.”

“I’m serious!” Feliks was terrified of the possibility of ruining his computer with his own hands, if Gilbert could do the maintenance, he wasn’t going to say no. “What I don’t ask you do to it’s cleaning my actual house, and you it anyway! And I don’t know why you go to church in my house but not back in Germany, but I don’t mind, as long as you don’t try to proselyte. I do talk to talk about religion a bit…”

Feliks inhaled, recovering his breath after talking long with little no pauses. In front of him, Gilbert played with his glass of water, still frowning.

Say something.

“Of the other ones that play video games,” resumed Feliks, seeing Gilbert wasn’t going to talk yet, “Alfred is more friends with Tolys than me, and Matthew and Kiku are Alfred’s friends, not mine—and I’m not playing with Ivan, not unless everybody including Alfred is playing together, and I rather not even in that case, unless it’s a game where I can kick Ivan’s ass.”

That last comment seemingly amused Gilbert, who grinned briefly. He finally bothered to reply: “what about Tino?”

“Plays more with Edward and the Nordics.”

“Just ask Tino, he will tell you yes.”

“Yeah, probably—”

“He would,” interrupted Gilbert.

“Not my point.”

Gilbert raised an eyebrow.

“Tolys doesn’t care about my online interests. He tries, but I know he only uses the computer for work and chatting. Meanwhile, we kinda, no, practically we share the same interests, and I don’t have to chat in English with you, you talk to me in my language.”

“<As if you would speak German with me>,” Gilbert teased.

“Oh no… though I understand it.”

Gilbert chuckled, yet his face became serious again soon later. “So, you hang around me out of discard, and because I talk Polish, but mainly out of discard.”

“Oh come on! You say that because you think you’re the most important person on Earth.”

Gilbert grunted while he squinted. “Looks who’s talking.” He stood from his chair. “Sorry for having feelings I guess,” added, then shook his head. “Ah, I’m waiting in the car.”

He pulled out his wallet, throwing euros to the side of leftovers pizza.

“I told you I was going to use my debit card!” protested Feliks, being ignored by Gilbert who was leaving the place. “Since you never change your euros for złotych as you should!”

*****

After asking for a take away box and paying, Feliks found Gilbert leaned in his car, breathing in his hands. He rubbed his hands together as he watched Feliks walk to the car.

“Fool, you’re going to become sick,” chided Feliks, opening the passenger door for Gilbert to get in, as well tossing the small box with pizza leftovers to the back seats.

Gilbert got into the car. “I won’t.”

“That’s not how it works…”

They waited in silence with the car turn on, until the vehicle got a little warmer. Gilbert leaned on the car door.

“Your money…” tried Feliks.

“Keep it, just send a transfer of the spare money later,” Gilbert replied in a monotone voice.

“I was going to tell you how much it was.”

Gilbert shrugged. “I trust you.”

Feliks tapped with his fingers on the steering wheel. He hated when Gilbert became this contemplative, when some centuries ago he simply at some point would disclosed (with anger) whatever annoyed him. The second half of the XX century changed everybody, ones more than others. In the case of Gil, little to no power finally made him an approachable and less threatening person, but the GDR also made him more secretive and distrustful.

So Feliks needed to figure this out, without relying in Gilbert.

“I don’t only hang around you only because of… video games.” Feliks started to figure out he might have been the one of the two being insensitive this time. “Remember when…” You still had your own government—don’t say that. “When you started to come here since the 60s after annoying the SED? Our bosses mutually hated each other, so that pissed my bosses too…”

Gilbert looked at him, confounded. “So that got you in trouble and you’re angry with me now?”

“No! I’m talking that we began to mingle again! And to bicker and drink a lot.”

Gilbert smiled slightly. “There was a lot of reasons to bicker and drink.”

“Yeah… ” From the past and during that present. “Since then…” No, during the nineties both were occupied. “We also go to medieval fairs together, besides traveling around my house.” The woods, the lakes, the rivers, the castles, churches and more. “…What about the horses?!”

How he could forget about the horses. One of the small luxuries he wasn’t going to get rid of, that weren’t cats or dogs, still a lovely pet regardless.

“I know.” Gilbert chuckled.

“So don’t think I’m only your friend because games… Wait.” 'I know?’

“You would have more friends if you weren’t so shy, that’s your own damn fault.” He laughed a bit, before sighing.

Feliks rolled his eyes. “I don’t need a ton of friends, I have enough!” Though he had to admit that type of comments always hurt. Feliks glimpsed Gilbert, still looking defeated instead of being his usual self. “Then what’s bothering you?!” He prodded Gilbert.

He grunted, moving away from the touch. “Nothing! Nothing is bothering me.”

“Uh, liar?”

“I’m not a liar!” Gilbert crossed his arms again.

Feliks licked his lips, recalling what happened in the restaurant. “Sorry for the joke again.”

“Ugh.”

“Wanna know why I said that?” Feliks kept his eyes on the road, hoping that Gilbert staring out the side window won’t allow him to notice Feliks’ subtle blushing.

“No,” snapped back Gilbert.

“As I said before, you’re often with me. So, a tiny, tiny-tiny part of me thought we kind of have something already, or could have…” His heart pounded in his ears… Gilbert didn’t even bother to turn around. “This is dumb, forget it.”

Neither said anything after that for a while, until Gilbert sighed again. Feliks saw him opening his mouth, and the closing it again.

“Nothing to say? Alright, I don’t mind,” Feliks stammered, feeling unable to stay quiet, and stupid for the same reason.

“I think we should keep things as they are,” said Gilbert, again in the deflated tone of voice.

Feliks turned around, forcing himself to smile, in an attempt to make Gilbert happy—not because that hurt his feelings. “Yeah, yeah, we can continue like this forever. I wouldn’t mind, I, I really like this…”

“Ha!” Gilbert laughed out of nowhere, making Feliks flinch. “Forever?”

Oh.

“It’s the uncertainty that’s annoying.”

Bwaaaannnnnn.

Hitting the brake, the car skidded forward: Feliks didn’t see a red light, out of his impression of being reminded of the depressing reality. They almost hit a car in the street intersection.

Gilbert, pale like paper, grabbed Feliks by the jacket.

“That doesn’t mean you get to accelerate things!” Gilbert screamed into Feliks’ face: Yup, that was the old aggressive Gilbert there.

“Sorryyyyy!” Feliks scrunched his eyes closed.

Gilbert moved back to his seat, lifting his arms up, frowning. “Just try to not fucking get us both killed, that isn’t funny anymore.” He snorted. “I mean it is, but I can’t play like that anymore.”

“Shut up!” exclaimed Feliks.

At least Gilbert seemed in a quasi good mood again. That man still had a morbid sense of humor, and a taste for danger—that couldn’t satiate as before anymore.

Feliks turned on the radio, although neither played attention to the people talking in there.

Soon after Feliks parked the car in front of his house, Gilbert took right his hand, putting it between his own two hands. He said:

“Let's keep things as they are, they are perfect like this.”

For a moment, it looked like he was going to say more. Feliks supposed he was going to add something about not risking ruining the something they have. Instead, Gilbert squeezed Feliks’ hand and got out of the car, opening the back door to get the pizza leftovers.

Feliks stayed in the car, with the safety belt still on, and his mouth open. It didn’t matter what Gilbert said, what he did meant something different, contradictory. For a moment, he dreamed awake about the times of the Commonwealth, being in good terms for some centuries with their then fief. It wasn’t a peaceful time, yet the enemy order was no more (or not his issue anymore).

“Hey! I’m gonna kick your door if you don’t come here soon! I’m going to die of cold!”

“No! Don’t you dare to touch my door!”

…Nor you dare to die.