#i soent so long on them i gave up

[bootychomper]

Drawing from a young age is painful bro, nobody warned me about the 2 year burnout after drawing for days weeks months straight. I finished a drawing for the first time in months, I'm proud of myself but it was both therapeutic and the most stressfull thing ever💔

Anyways

I don't usually post my art on here, maybe I should start doing that but eh. I'm gonna try to start drawing more fanart maybe but I felt like redesigning an old oc,, for some reason she was always at the bottom of my list for redesigning and i don't really get that now I forgot how much I loved her.

[scummy-writes]

[BOTH ENDS BONUS]

HAH fucking knew you were scared.

Very cute

Ooooh death. Death. I am dying.

We're also going into kid memories. Oh boy.

-> akatsuki called him pipsqueak. Staying in Rhodolite was very fun for him.

-> akatsuki held a bookstall open (no shop yet?) And gilbert visited it every time he could. Would pick out the most difficult books and already read so much from his country. He meets chev this way

Very cute...

-> theyd do this often.

-> basically hashing out his first chap

This is my 13th reason.

-> stays in Rhodolite for a full year, then realizes the letters from his mom and albert arent coming in. He sneaks the travel permit to akatsuki and asks him to visit him in secret and sell him books. Akatsuki doesnt seem surprised at all by this, and agrees.

I am guessing emma was not in the picture yet?

Akatsuki pats him on the head and tells him not to change, says hell make a good ruler one day.

-> he says goodbye to chev and is upset chev isnt sad. They bicker a bit and then chev hands him an envelope

Now we know why the tea made gilbert look strange to emmas eyes.

Jesus christ we cut to gilbert finding their severed heads. Comments on how theyre 'staring in the distance' and how they wouldnt be able to meet his gaze again. Good fucking god.

-> lots of information at once. Grandfather notes that gilbert is still alive, as gilbert is looking at their head still, and outright insults them. Says they brought shame to the family and that gilbert shouldnt bring any further. He doesnt care, and it makes gilbert worse.

He finds his oldest brother and the brother mocks their deaths. Says he brought up the idea for Albert to try and talk to the emperor, and Albert took him seriously, and died because of it. Gilbert then stabs him in the heart, and thats when he first starts to kill.

Because he was so sickly and in bed all of the time, apparently he missed a lot of the brutality, because his mother and albert sheilded him from it, but now he's sinking headfirst into it.

Every time he killed, he lost more of his own heart, twisting his mother and alberts love into some type of deception. He believed that everyone only held fake love, he was upset that his mother and albert sacrificed themselves for him.

Ah jesus.

Okay, so gilbert kills his father on bloodstained rose day. He waited this long because he was a bit too weak, due to his father being good with swords. So he built his cane gun. And it was finished on that day. So he went to kill him after tricking him into meeting him alone.

No wonder gilbert has so many fucking inner conflicts. He soent so long trying to plan killing this man as some skewed revenge, only to be praised and essentially told he's just like the man he hates so much. Jesus.

Gilbert laughs when he dies.

He starts remembering akatsuki, visiting him in obsidian. He starts talking about a young girl thats visiting his shop more, describes her as 'charming as a little rabbit'..... says she gave candy to stop a boy from crying... etc... sob

Gilbert, at the cliff where he killed his father, remembers this now, remembers how he had considered her his final hope.

The 'come to think of it' line is back in present day.

She aska about if he had a first love, fucking clueless that its been her this whole time emma i swear to god the writers do so many injustices to your intellect. He teases, says hes a healthy young man. Apparently, since hes recovered from surgery, theyve been fucking every night.

-> confirmed in inner monolog that she was his firsr love.

-> theyre doing a back and forth game of who breaks away from the pleasure first, he wont tell her about first love otherwise ig?

-> confirmed that he likes to leave possesive marks on her consistently.

-> says hes never done this before with anyone else. Virginbert confirmed (i figured)

Cute....

DRAMATIC END - GILBERT ROUTE SPOILERS POST

Like the other notes (here), I am continuing my thoughts/notes on Gilbert's route. This post will focus on the dramatic end + premiums. His povs will be a separate post.

I'll be reblogging this post each chapter or so with personal thoughts and general screaming under a cut. I'll be having it in a format with the chapter numbered, and then a cut directly after where I'll be yelling. I already know some major spoilers with gilberts route, so if you have not finished his route yet, be wary.

I'll be using the tags 'Scum Simps' and 'scum plays gil route' for those of you who want to filter it out. Thank u!

[bibbykins]

the brunch event is here I’m excited!!! @ all MCs, what’s the sweetest fluffiest thing the guys have done for you / you’ve done with the guys? (craving some fluff today, hope you don’t mind!)

(Holy shit, this was longer than I intended but I hope you like it!) (Also this is long and I'm on mobile so I'm sorry for no read later thing here pls dont be mean to me)

Warnings: crying, PTSD, phantom pains/touches

The girls all smile at the question and decide the order they'll go in before Leopard takes a sip of her mimosa and speaks, "One day, Jin said he was taking me to go look at some clothes for an event we'd have to go to," She relaxes in her seat, fingers curling around the champagne glass gracefully, as if she's proudly told this story a million times, "Then, we pull up to a storage place and I'm like 'okay, so you're murdering me?'" She laughs in spite of knowing he's capable of murder, "He takes my hand and then takes me into a unit and in there are sketchbooks upon props and prototypes that I had ever made." She grinned at the thought, "I had started doing stage design and writing when I was 16 and my family never took home my props or anything, so I thought they were just... gone, and then here they all were." She sighed dreamily, "It just... made me feel like someone was proud of that 16 year old hurting herself on nail guns trying to build, or that 18 year old who took an hour to control a sander, it made me feel so exalted for my hard work."

Princess and Dove are already tearing up despite having heard the story before and Leopard holds their hands until they calm down, knowing they will absolutely cry when everyone is done telling their stories.

"Ah, it's my turn!" Sunshine gleams, "I'm pretty easy to make happy, like ordering my favorite food is groundbreaking to me no matter how often you do it." The girls giggle and nod at this, "But, there was one time we on our way to do our engagement photo shoot at the restaurant we had our first date, but then he pulls over and tell me he wants to show me something." She can't contain her growing smile, "And I'm confused, becuase we stop at this beautiful lake and he hates the outdoors." She chuckles at this, "But then he leads us into a beautiful field with wild flowers and a camera with a tripod." Princess has already let tears fall at this point, "And he tells me this is our engagement photoshoot, something just for us." Sunshine takes a bite of her crepe, "It was just so sweet and grounding since everything something happens with us, it's publicized, which is fine for the most part, but for him to set something up that's just for us to have, especially in nature, so sweet." The girls all giggle and coo at Sunshine.

"Oh, no! I know what story Sweet Pea is gonna say and I'm totally gonna break!" Odette grips Sunshine as the woman in question giggles.

"It's okay, I cried like a baby too." Sweet Pea giggles and she begins cutting Princess's pancakes for her like she always does, "So he was taking me to a gallery, didn't tell me for who for some reason, but you know me, I love a good exhibition." She snickered, "When we get there, I realize it's for my favorite enameler, or art jewler. He uses this beautiful etching technique and makes some stunning intaglio pieces I absolutely adore." The girls all mentally prep their tear ducts for the next part, "And so he has me meet the artist, and I'm freaking out the whole time and trying to hide it, until the artist tells me he has a piece he want to show me." She has excitement on her face just thinking about it, "And he takes me to a piece I haven't seen before and isn't with the new collection. It's an aquamarine pendant with a beautiful silver chain that had parts of a see through material interwoven. The gem was held in place with a beautiful silver trim that looks light and airy, like clouds almost, and in the pendant is this beautiful etching of a familiar skyline." Odette wipes a tear away at the speed of light, "And then Namjoon tells me it's the skyline from where we first met on that forsaken sky bridge and the silver with glass represents the steps that lead me to him." The girls coo at Sweet Pea tearing up for a moment.

"Ah, it's my turn!" Odette wipes away tears frantically, "Mine is quite simple, but it meant a lot to me." She smiles gleefully, "For background, before I majored in journalism, I was a dance major, contemporary, but I had an injury and was out of commission for too long by the time it healed. I didn't even tell Jimin until we had been dating for a couple months, I feel weird talking about it sometimes." She shrugged simply, "So I beacame his practice partner after that, which was fun, and one time we soent ages practicing thus one choreo bc he claimed he didn't want to practice with his actual partner, ever the drama queen." She giggled, "Then, the day of the showcase comes and he reveals that the dance was choreographed for me and him and it's our showcase." She held a toothy grin, "He gave me the feeling of being a dancer again, and it just felt like the closure I needed that I never got from my dancing career."

"It was a beautiful showcase." Angel nodded in agreement and Odette beamed at her praise while the other girls nod.

Dove hums as she chews her food before speaking, "So I do hand stitching, right? I don't think I'm very good..." All the women scowl at her, "But, they and Taehyung think I'm great at it and it calms me down so I make them a lot of hand stitched art or monogrammed clothing or I do commissions for their family." She smiles shyly, "So one day, Tae-Tae says he's taking me to Sweet Pea's gallery, but when we get there, it's all of my pieces up there. And the whole time people are greeting me and telling me how talented I am, asking what pieces they can buy and offering crazy prices, not that these guys would let go of my pieces." She snickered and the girls nodded proudly, "My name was in articles the next day, and he made me feel like I was someone to show off, like I was the impressive one, or impressive at all."

"Because you are impressive, hello?" Sunshine teased.

Princess has mascara streaks on her cheeks and Sweet Pea begins digging through her bag for makeuo wipes, "Uh, I'm not really good at storytelling and I'm a mess, so I'll make it quite short." She sniffled, "inhave this horrible habit of making clothes I hate and then donating them and Kook is always so dramatic when I do, like he has any business with a spring dress that would rip under his bicep." She giggles for a moment as Leopard begins wiping her cheeks, "And then he takes me to fashion week and...and..." She starts crying again and Odette coos at her, "My work, he had me on there as an up and coming designer and people were so nice to me and everytime I got overwhelmed, he took the reigns and it... my childhood dreams came true." She laid her head in Angel's lap, knowing it was her turn. The woman in question strokes the younger's hair soothingly.

Before Angel can even speak, all the girls are holding her hand or holding her and she rolls her eyes playfully, smilimg at the affection, "This why I'm going last." She giggled, "They get like this everytime I tell this story, even Leopard cries."

"Shush." Leopard, who is standing behind Angel's chair and stroking her hair quips, embarrassed, "We just care about you." She huffs.

"Well, it was a year after... the incident." Dove begins braiding Angel's hair to hide her incoming tears, "And I tried to go to work, but my body was not having it, so he stayed home with me and did everything the therapist said to grounding techniques and all, and stuff I could've done on my own, but he insisted." She smiled, "When dinner came around, I began feeling... phantom touches, pains. Like, my cheek ached and my tongue felt like it was burning, everything." Her smile was a bit sad, "It's normal with PTSD, but it doesn't make it any less frightening and none of the other grounding techniques were working, so he sits me on the counter, plays my favorite music, and begins 'treating' my wounds." Princess has her head in Angel's lap, but everyone can tell she's crying, "So for hours, he's there and showing me the clean gauze after treating my phantom wounds so delicately, and it really brought me back into the moment, that this is the man who loves me and this is where I am now." She smiles despite all the other girls being teary-eyed messes.

[cttrajan1206]

Aodhdkysjsu @justalexnoelle so I said I would do this and I have and oh mY GOD i cannot believe i soent time on this but i did. Its at 800 words and will stay that way but live with the knowledge that if it wasn't 2am rn, I would easily make it a 2K slowburn lmao

Anyway, here's the thing! The rarest pair of all, our goopy Nightmare x Parodia(chan)

..... *sigh* please dont unfriend me for this XD

~~~

Nightmare groaned as he stumbled back from his outing, pumping a fist onto the table. Error and Killer jumped, the former scowling as his cards scattered onto the table. Concerned, Cross looked back at the table from his stance at the sink, making drinks.

"Everything alright Nightmare?"

He grumbled back.

"I'm in a bad mood. Shut up."

Error rolled his eyelights, stacking his cards up again.

"Of course you are, you haven't had your morning coffee have you?"

Grunting, he didn't deny the fact and Killer tilted his head.

"Why don't you have it? You just came back from your favourite coffee shop. And," he perked up, "speaking of, where's my milkshake?"

A glare was shot in his direction, followed by Nightmare muttering.

"I didn't get it. Was distracted."

Silence swooped in and settled over all of them. Nightmare was direct and forceful- he was never distracted. Interest piqued, Cross finished with Error's hot chocolate and placed the mug next to him, careful not to touch him as he slid to the door.

"Then do you want me to go grab them for you?"

Groaning again, Nightmare shrugged.

"Do what you wanna do."

Killer cheered as Cross playfully scoffed at the act.

"That's great cos I'm going to."

The next day, Nightmare took a deep breath before he entered the shop, determined not to let his eyes wander this time. It had been a surprise to see them last time but he was determined for his coffee no matter how pretty the newcomer was. Sauntering up to the counter and growling at any other customer that was in line before him, Nightmare's goopy tentacles slithered behind him, leaving trails of black. Instantly recognising him, the cashier froze with a smile on his face.

"Hello there sir, how can I help you?"

Nightmare scowled.

"A large black coffee and medium cherry milkshake."

"C-Coming right away."

As he waited, Nightmare drummed his fingers on the counter impatiently, avoiding looking at the New One. It made him angry just thinking about it. How dare this shop take them in? How dare that thing make him feel so nervous? How dare his heart beat a little faster looking at them! These kind of weak emotions were for Dream to handle, why should he get more on top of his workload?

"Oh so you've noticed our newest addition?"

Nightmare blinked. Having returned, the cashier's voice made him realise he'd ended up staring at them after all and a turquoise flush dust his cheeks faintly as he haughtily looked at the cashier. Quickly slipping him the money, he snapped at the other.

"Who says you had to know?"

Nervously chuckling, the cashier gave him the change and exchanged something that made Nightmare's heart stop.

"Her name's Parodia, can't talk much of course but we call her Parodia-chan a pot of the time."

It was hard to say that Nightmare spending all night awake was abnormal. He hardly slept after all. But spending the entire night thinking of Parodia was definitely abnormal and he hated it but… even so he couldn't stop. The bright flower she kept atop her head. The spiky exterior she seemed to have. The quiet allure of her constant silence. He couldn't stop himself from thinking of her and the emerald colour staring back at him from behind the counter. Wait this wasn't right, he was Nightmare! He was literally a lord of negativity with evil lackeys at his beck and call. Why was he melting over this one Parodia?

...Maybe because she was really, really cute.

Over the course of a few days, Nightmare found his crush was growing deeper and deeper. He found himself going back to the coffee shop other than the mornings, purely to order something and then stare as she stood around. Ordering a mocha, he picked an obscure and hidden seat where no one would bother him and used his tentacles to lash out at any who tried. But no matter how long he watched, he knew in his black rotten heart that Larodia would never feel the same way. He wished he could grow closer to her, peeling off the spikes she protected herself with, exposing the softer side she had within and take care of her and all of her needs. Meanwhile, the other sanses began to get curious, whispering amongst themselves and creating conspiracy theories over who it could be. They were all dead certain it was the cashier/barista of the shop. Resolving to get to the bottom of the matter, Cross offered to accompany Nightnare as he went to get coffee.

"Sure who cares."

Was Nightmare's grunted answer as they trudged inside. They ordered, got their drinks and then sat down. Nightmare laser focused his attention on Cross, who was thinking over the barista's interaction and how much of a chance Nightmare had. It was hard to keep his interest on the mumbling skeleton so Nightmare felt his eyes wander around, flicking toParodia who was just behind the counter looking pretty as always. Sighing, he gazed at her longer, only snapping out of it when Cross's jaw fell open. Dumbfounded and stunned, Cross asked in shock.

"Dude… are you making goo goo eyes at a cactus?"

~~~

There it fucking is

I dont even regret this lmao

[sweetiejunie]

The last day of summer

Pt2

Summary: you spent the last days of summer with your best friends. Oh, and your crush was there too

Genre: fluff

Taehyun x reader

Pt 1

=====================================

“So i guess it’s you and me.” He gave you a small smile as he sensed your hesitation in sharing a room with him.

“It would seem so,” you replied in your most non-panicky voice you could.

“Well, shall we?” Gesturing for you to enter before him, holding the door open for you like a real gentlemen.

You both grabbed your luggage from the doorway and headed upstairs to the bedrooms. It was then you noticed that the room the other boys left for you was the only room at the opposite end of the hallway, a fair distance away from the other two rooms.

‘Those little assholes’ you cursed at them mentally. Of course, taehyun didn’t think anything of it, not knowing the entire situation. Ignorance really is bliss isnt it? But was taehyun as ignorant as you thought he was?

—

Opening the door to the room, immediately the first thing you noticed was that there was only one bed. It was the master bedroom afterall.

“You know, if you’re uncomfortable sharing a bed, i could always go crash on the couch. It’s completely fine,” taehyun stated with a small laugh when he sensed your shocked.

“Don’t be ridiculous! I can’t make you do that. I don’t mind sharing a bed, unless you do,” the last part coming out sounding more like a question than a statement.

“Oh. Well i dont mind either.”

“Great!” You would be lying if you said there wasn’t a part of you that was kind of happy getting to share a room, hell, a bed with Taehyun.

The last 2 days spent with your friends had been amazing. You had done everything you could possibly imagine. From chilling on the porch to daring each other to jump into the lake. Even soobin was dared to, and the poor boy didn’t even know how to swim.

It was such a fun time but all good things had to come to an end. It was the final night you had at the lake house and Kai proposed it was the perfect time to sit around a camp fire, to which you all agreed.

Through the days, even though the boys had thrown you and taehyun in the same room, nothing much happened between you two. Taehyun treated you the way he always had, he never said anything too out of the ordinary. At most you could say your relationship with him as friends got stronger, but that was it. Friends.

By this point the only reasoning you had was that he simply wasn’t interested in you. It stung knowing that but at least now you had your answer.

“The forecast says it might rain tonight though,” Beomgyu said, pointing to the weather prediction on his phone.

“It’s alright, we could do it on the porch. Just be careful not to light the actual porch on fire,” you replied, giving taehyun a soft smile which he returned.

“Great! I’ll go get the marshmallows and crackers!” Soobin announced, running into the house, bringing beomgyu with him while yeonjun and Kai were figuring out how to work the lighter.

With nothing much left to help with, you decided to sit on the porch swing, crossing your legs, staring at the sky. For some reason there weren’t many stars tonight but the way the moon shined and how to edges of the clouds glowed with the moonlight was enough to keep you occupied.

You felt the swing slightly move as someone took a seat next to you, “what you thinking about?”

Knowing the voice could only belong to taehyung, turning to them you replied, “nothing, the sky just looks so nice tonight.”

He hummed a response as you both stared into each ither eyes. At that moment, it felt as if all the stars in the sky were trapped in taehyun’s eyes. All of a sudden the moment was ruined and your attention was turned to a yelling Kai.

“Can this damn piece of wood just stay lit for like 2 seconds?!?!?!”

Throwing the piece of wood on the floor, hands pulling at his hair in frustration. Yeonjun next to him, head on his knees looking as if he had already given up a while ago. You laughed at their childish manner, standing up to go help them. You felt a pair of eyes on your back as you walked over, but thought nothing of it.

“Here, let me try,” you said, holding out your hand for the lighter.

With a few clicks, you started a small fire, gently blowing and waited for it to spread. Yeonjun and Kai glaring at you the entire time.

“See? It’s not that hard!” You claimed, turning to the two defeated boys.

“Shut up,” they grumbles in unison, causing you laugh endearingly.

“We’re back!” Soobin announced their return.

To be completely honest, you hadn’t even noticed how long beomgyu and soobin had been gone. In soobin’s arms were a few bags of chips and other snack.

Everyone cracked up when poor beomgyu behind him came into view, barely managing to carry all the pillows and blankets soobin threw to him. Soobin stared at all of you in confusion, unaware of what he had done.

“Stop laughing, someone come help me!” Beomgyu snapped, startling soobin, who probably forgot beomgyu was behind him, voice muffled by the all the layers.

Immediately throwing the snacks onto the ourdoor couch, soobin grabbed a few pillows and blankets, putting them down as the rest of you took a seat around the fire.

—————————— time skip ———————————

It was now past the witching house and through the night, you had reminisced about all the good times you had together, making you feel extremely nostalgic. You knew once the summer ended you wouldnt be able to see them as often anymore. The occasions where it will be all six of you together would be rare.

That was the only part you hates about being friends with them, but the good things always made up for it. The thought of not being able to see them as much made you sad. On the other hand, it also made you cherish the time you had left with them.

“Alright, i think it’s time i call it a night,” soobin yawned, gesturing to the sleeping Kai on his shoulder.

“I think so too,” beomgyu agreed, walking over to Kai, lightly shaking him to wake up.

“You guys go ahead. I think I’ll stay out here for a while more, I’m not that tired yet,” you had too much on your mind to go to bed.

The boys nodded in acknowledgement, grabbing their pillows and blankets, heading for their rooms. You stood up, moving to sit on the porch couch instead.

As soon as the door closed, you let out a sigh, legs to your chest, chin resting on your knees. Staring at the flame that burned brightly in front of you as it lit the, otherwise pitch black, porch.

The summer was always such a bittersweet time for you. On one hand you got to see your friends but more importantly, you got to see taehyun. On the other, you knew that you would hardly meet once it ended.

All of a sudden, you heard the door open again, interrupting your train of thought.

“Are you okay? You look sad. It’s pretty late and i figured it wasn’t that safe for you to be out here alone.”

Looking up, it was non other than taehyun. Of course it had to be him.

“But i could always go back in if you want to be alone,” he added, slowly sliding the door close again.

“No! It’s okay, i could use the company,” you said before your mind could even process what was happening. Did you just invite taehyun to stay out with you? Alone? How did that even happen.

Taehyun took a seat next to you, staring at the fire, watching as the wood slowly burned away into ash.

“You know, i feel like a wasted my entire summer,” taehyun suddenly admitted, breaking the comfortable silence.

You looked at him with a confused look, tilting your head slightly, “why is that?”

Taehyun copied your actions, making you giggle.

“Well, it’s almost the end of the summer and at first i thought I wouldn’t have to spend it alone this time. But guess i was wrong,” he let out nonchalantly, followed by a dry laugh, turning his attention back to the fire, you doing the same.

“So like a summer fling?”

“No, not a fling. There’s this girl i like, hyungs have been bothering me about it a lot actually,” scratching to back of his beck, embarrassed to admit that.

“I wanted to confess at the beginning of summer but I couldn’t. Then as the summer continued, i saw how happy she was around other people and i just figured she didn’t like me back,” he confessed, mood turning completely depressed.

You didn’t know what to reply. It hurt knowing he liked someone else. It would make senses and as if on cue, it started to rain.

“Hm, i guess beomgyu was right,” he stated, looking out to the sky.

“Yeah.”

There was silence again, the only sounds around you were the popping of the fire and the rain as it hit the roof of the porch. A million thoughts ran through your head. You didn’t want to spend this summer alone either, but now i guess all your other summers would be soent alone as well. The boy you had a crush on liked someone else. Typical, just your luck.

You shivered as you felt the temperature drop. Taehyun noticed and grabbed the last blanket from beside him, draping it over your shoulders. You looked down, trying to hide the fact that his simple action could make you as flustered as you were.

“Here, you’re cold right,” he gave you an endearing smile.

“What about you?”

“It’s cold but I’ll be alright.”

“We can share, the blanket’s big enough for the both of us,” you argued, not wanting him to catch a cold.

He simply nodded. You felt your heartbeat race as you felt him move closer to you, picking up on side of the cloth, wrapping it around him. His other arm around the back of the chair, in other words around you.

There was a slight awkwardness at first and even though it was hard to tell, you swore you noticed taehyun blushing. You both didn’t dare to move at first.

Little did you know yeonjun and soobin were creeping from inside the house. Watching you two through the door, hiding behind a plant, which really couldn’t hide them as much as they thought it did. If either you or taehyun turned to look in the house you could have easily spotted them.

“This is painful to watch. We should just ask them to go to bed,” yeonjun groaned, wanting to walk out there and put an end to it.

“No, no. Give them more time,” soobin replied, placing a hand on yeonjun’s shoulder, stopping his actions.

“You know you always have next summer to confess. You never know her answer till you try,” you suddenly said.

“I guess you’re right,” he replied looking you in the eyes, giving you a reassuring smile that he was alright.

The conversation continued on for a while before it was silent again. A confortable silence as you both started to relax more as you got used to the closeness.

After a while more, taehyun started humming to the tune of, what you presumed to be, hug me by joonil jung. You always loved hearing taehyun sing. He was an amazing singer, and even if he didn’t want to admit it, you knew he was great.

Halfway through the song you felt your eyelids get heavier and before you knew it, your head was on taehyun’s shoulder.

Right as you fell asleep you heard taehyun whisper something before resting his head on yours.

“Next summer, you’ll be by my side like this everyday...”

Did you hear that correctly? Well, i guess now you’ll just have to wait till next summer to find out.

A smiling, giggly yeonjun and soobin inside celebrating, high fiving each other as you and taehyun slept through the night in each other’s embrace. On the porch, sitting in front of a fire, sharing a blanket with the boy you adored.

.

.

.

=====================================

Finally found the time to finish this. Then ending isnt as good as i would have liked but nonetheless i still like it and hope you do too!

[thorntonsthoughts]

I’ve never had a girlfriend, but I can remember being attracted to girls as early as at least 1st grade.

I remember people talking about cooties, but I just remember thinking all the girls were pretty.

We used to go out into the yard for recess and we would all line up against the fence together and race across the blacktop. There was a girl, her name might have been Claire. She was faster than any boy. I remember how amazing I thought she was. I think she was my first real crush and I think the precedent that would hold for the rest of my life was already established: Most of the people I have been attracted to in my life have been people that i admire. Beauty certainly plays a role, but being good at something that I wanted to be good at was always the real key. I know that they have a word for being sexually attracted to intellugent people (I think its sapiosexual). I wonder if they have one for this.

I don’t really remember having another real crush until I was in 6th grade, but it might have even been 7th. They came one after the other. There was Emily, there was Amanda, and there was Isabelle.

Emily was rail thin, athletic and had dark hair. I really don’t know why I liked her. I think it was mostly physical. I’ve always had a preference for girls with pretty faces and stylish hair. I do really like short hair, but when I actually think about it, most of the girls I’ve actually been interested in had long hair.

With Emily, I think I was attracted to her in kind of a contrarian sense. All my friends talked about T and A, but I picked her out because of her face and hair. I never heard my friends even mention her name when they discussed the hottest girls.

I remember lying in bed at night and thinking about her. It’s pretty hard to remember what I even thought about. I think that I just fantasized about a world where she was my girlfriend. I think that’s best way to put. I wasn’t so much interested in her as I was in an imaginary world where I got to have what I wanted. I don’t know if I ever even talked to her. I can’t remember ever interacting with her in any capacity. I would just look at her across the classroom. Years later at the end of highschool she dated Michael, one of the stars of the football team. He was a jock who wasn’t really a jock. He had been a skateboarder first, and he had even been nice to me. We all kind of agreed he was generally a good guy. Maybe not the smartest, but next to a lot of the other jocks, he seemed like a saint. I remember that she basically kind of just seemed like a jerk. I don’t really know why. She just gave off this kind of energy at this point. Like she was just another side of the world that had dragged michael down. It was so weird to have liked her all those years ago. It seemed like she had changed, but I never really knew who she was in the first place. Once she had been a blank slate for me to imagine another world through. In the end, she turned out to belong perfectly to this world, the world she dated the star of the team, the world where I could only covet what other people had.

There was also Amanda. I knew her personality more than I had know Emily’s. She wasn’t the smartest, but unlike her brother who was always kind of loud and ignorant, she tried. Trying seemed to be the defining feature and it was a desire to try that she brought out in me. I remember writing her initials on my hands as a kind of symbol to push myself. I knew that she was out of my league, but I used the initials as motivation to push myself to go out and run, to try to lose weight and become attractive. It never really took.

She had beautifuk brown hair. It was always styled beautifully. I don’t know anythinf about how girls do their hair, but her hair was thick and wavy. I wonder how much time she soent on it. I wonder how much time she soent in salons. It was beautiful. She was also bucksome. She was small, but she had round breasts and a curvy body. She wasn’t the prettiest, or the most refined, but it was a definite girl next door kind of thing. I always saw her as out of my keague, but she was different from Emily. The best word to describe Emily would be icy. Amanda was warm by conparison. She was bubbly, and what I’ll always remember most is she used to compliment me on my shirts. That was the weirdest thing. I knew she didn’t like me, wasn’t interested in me like that. I was overweight and unpopular. But she would smile, and talk to me, and say nice things about my beestie boys shirt. I don’t really know why she did it and I certainly wan’t dumb enough to think that it actually meant something to her, as in it was some kind of subtle way of telling me that she liked her. No, what it was was something that meant something to me. It made me feel like I had a place in somebody slses world. Even if that place was exceedingly small. She never tried to take advantage of me, or to make fun of me. It was just kind of like she acknowledged that we existed in the same world. I don’t know why, but this still feels meaningful. I’m crying now as I write about it. It was so small. I really don’t understand.

Then there was Isabelle. My crushes always had to do with being in class with certain people. I didn’t see girls anywhere else, so that was how my crushes worked. If we were in the same class, there was a chance I was going to like you. Isabelle and I had at least 4 or 5 classes together in 8th grade. More than I’ve ever had with anyone.

Isabelle had long straight dirty blonde hair and a very toothy smile. She was similar to Amanda in that she had this bright and bubly quality, but physically she was different. She was kind of beautiful without trying to be. Amanda seemed to try so hard, and I loved that about her, but Isabelle didn’t really need to. She didn’t dress in a memorable way. She didn’t do anything special with her hair. I cascaded down her back. I seem to remember, although this could be invented, that it was so long that it used to get caught under her butt when she was sitting in a chair. That seems like it would have been uncomfortable, but I think it was so long that it might not have been.

She was all smiles. Even when her sister died from a blood clot in her brain. I never saw her sad. I never saw her angry. We didn’t talk as much as I had talked to amanda, but she was always friendly. She was always smiling and she was always warm. If just felt like she was a part of the world. She just belonged. She made it seem easy. She didn’t seem to try, or struggle or fight. I really wanted her. Probably more than I ever wanted Emily or Amanda. How much time did I spend in class looking at her hair and her body? I don’t know. It was a lot.

I think that with all of my middle school crushes, what I imagined that I had to offer was that I was someone who cared. I always cared so much about everything. And I was sure that I cared about them in a way that no body else did or could. In the end, caring isn’t really worth much. Mostly its just painful. Caring can give you a reason to work hard, but then it’s the work that people respect. Nobody cares if you care. Caring doesn’t matter to other people. And I never did anythinf with all my caring. I mean, in some ways I am now. But really, what I did with all my caring was to direct it back to myself. To fight and struggle to not be part of the world. I sepersted from everything and everyone. I did things for me. I tried to build myself into some kind of perfect life. A life where I did what I cared about, never trying to achieve anything other than the ability to go on caring. But it was always also a fight against the world. A fight to not be part of a world I knew didn’t need me or my caring.

There’s a phrase that I really like. It goes, ‘’make a place for yourself and you’ll fit in.” I think it’s unquestionably true. I made a place for myself to fit out. I worked really hard to do it. I did it because I felt unwanted. Nit by my parents. They wanted the best for me far to much. I felt unwanted by the world. All my caring meant nothing because I wasn’t willing to work at what other people thought was important. They might have been right, but I didn’t care. I think I’m still like this. I write things in academia that have no value to anyone. I refuse fo conform to the standards of my discipline. Amazingly I’ve been able to do this somewhat successfully, but for how long? Every day I’m afraid that it will come to an end.

These days I’ve accepted myself a little more. I still am not a part of the world. I still feel jealous of other people. Of course all the other guys in my cohort are all friends. They have inside jokes, they comment on each others facebook posts. When I make a post on facebook it just gets ignored. But as much as it does still bother me, I’m not in denial about it. I know now that it’s mostly because of me. I push people away. I seperate myself from the world. I’m not as unhappy about it as I once was. It just seems to be the way that I fit with other people, or really the way I don’t.

Is this something that I could change? Probably, but I also know that I probably never will. There’s a huge part of me that is still defiant. I don’t want to be part of that world. I want to cling to the world where I get to care about me. Being a part of that world feels like giving this up. Am I the most selfish person imaginable? I might be. I’m so far beyond empathy. I just can’t really bring myself to relate to other people. For me, the world is the place where I have to give up on caring in order to be a part of it. Instead I care at I distance. I care about the pictures in my mind and dream about a world that doesn’t exist, rather than dreaming about finding a place in the one that does.

At night I often try to think about a girl to care about. I try to imagine myself as having a connection to the world. I’ve found thst its getting harder and harder to do. I search for something in my mind, but I just come back with emptiness. My life is like a life that nobody really lived. It’s basically like I’m not even here. I mean so little to anyone in the grand scheme of things. My caring is only matched by the worlds indifference to me, an indifference I’ve done everything in my power to bring about. I don’t really regret it though. It doesn’t make me sad. What makes me sad is that I don’t really dream about a different world any more, a different world that I’m actually a part of. I’ve just kinda come to terms with this world in which I’m not. And when I see stories about friends, about lovers, about connections, about people who matter to each other; they leave me increasingly cold. They don’t make me want to go anywhere. They just make it clear that I’m not here.