#i slept for like 5 hours last night and am on track for that or less tonight

[uwooyoungs]

//

[on-the-clear-blue]

Dead Man's Diner pt5

Danny groggily propped himself up as he heard the loud bang of his door being thrown open

"DANIEL VLADIMIR FENTON!"

Blinking a few times to get the sleep out of his eyes, Danny glared at Tucker, "Middle name? Really?" He hated it, so very much, hated that he thought it was cool when he was a kid, and hated it so much more after the portal incident, it wasn't enough for his parents to have Vlad be his godfather, Danny's middle name had to be that fruitloops as well.

Damn his parents for being such caring friends.

Tucker met Danny's glare as he crossed his arms in the doorway into Danny's room

He would cut an intimidating figure if Danny didn't know him, suit and tie perfectly pressed with a PDA held in one hand.

"I know you said that you got the Bats at the diner place thingy you are working at now last night, but did you have to call them out? Red Robin and Oracle have been trying to track you for the last 5 hours, I have had to summon Technus in the WE employee bathrooms! Thank God Mr Wayne included baby changing stations in each stall or I would have had to carve a sigil into the fucking wall! And I think *he* bricked the Batcomputor!" Tucker screeched as he paced the clear area of Danny's messy room

Scrubbing at his eyes, Danny sat up fully, more awake than he was a minute ago, "S-sorry? Didn't really think about them being sore bitches about it, I tagged them like once and set it online, they probably get hundreds of tags an hour. How was is supposed to know that they would read it?"

Tucker snarled, holding out his PDA for Danny to see "Not just Nightwing and Red Robin, half the God damn Young Justice team, The Titans are all over Nightwing, and all the rest of the bats are laughing their asses off! Look!"

<@Superboy_(the_hot_one)

[@not-that-red-robin.real wow Rob, if I knew u were broke I would have have asked Lexie to give u some cash]

<@Beep-Beep!_(official-Impluse)

[ @not-that-red-robin.real that's not very lit fam Gucci of u RR not very rizztastic and definitely isn't skibidi

@living-legend(Yes_that_wondergirl)

<@not-that-red-robin.real for fucking shame Red Themyscira has laws for bitches like you comere I am gonna cut off your thumbs.

Letting out a laugh, Danny was grinning as he scrolled through to Nightwings part.

<@theonetrueblueborg

[@.realwing: it's giving "my daddys rich and will take the bill" wing]

<@veggiemonster

[@.realwing: bro

:BRO

:Broooooooooooo]

<@Goth (Taylor's version)

[@.realwing: shame.]

Danny was full on laughing now, ad from what he could see through tears, so was Tucker, standing up with a weaze, "O-oh my Ancients....ugh t-that is just great"

Letting out a few more chuckles, Danny handded the PDA over to his friend, "I am sorry about getting the Bats aware of me, but I am not sorry for calling them toxic thinks."

Tucker sighed, running his forehead but still had a smile on his face, "You do know #NightwingsAssIsCancelled is trending right now?"

Danny couldn't hold back the cackle that shot through him at that.

---

Tim held his head in his hands, above him was his laptop, cycling through rebooting and then crashing, it had been five minutes so far, and if the last cycle had told him anything it would be up to that for another five minutes.

Groaning, Tim dragged himself up, he hadn't slept much last night, spending most of it trying (and failing) to get any information on the employee of Big C's, Danny nolastname he could find.

That was part of the problem, anytime he got even a smidgen close, it was like someone bitchsmacked him away. Even Babs was having trouble, she got a single thing before getting locked out of her own systems with baby shark playing on loop through her speakers.

He didn't know what to feel, humiliated that he was being actively cock blocked for information or excited since this is the first time in a while something was so difficult! The bear fact that he was being blocked so hard meant that there was something to block with this kid!

Stumbling down to the dining room, Tim didnt spare the table of his family a glance until he had gotten the pre-made cup of coffee from Alfred, letting the bitter drink wake him fully.

Finally turning to the family at large, he saw Bruce doing his best impression of a stone statue (Normal Damian was openingly glaring at him (slightly less normal), Dick was face down in a bowl of cereal (vaugly normal) and Cass was giggling while putting clips and sparkling things into Dicks hair (okay back to normal again)

Sitting in his spot across from Damian, Tim sighed, which seemed to be enough for Damian to go off on him.

"Are we paupers Drake? Has the CEO position at WE pay so little? And what of your own company? I was unaware that Drake Industries has fallen on such hard times!" Damians words rolled out like a lazy river, smooth and uncaringly cold.

"Oh my God, I am already planning on going back tonight and settling the fucking tab Dami, lay off it." Getting the expected "language" statement from both Bruce and Alfred, Tim drained his coffee cup, not so slamming it down but close to it before Damian could respond.

Eyes shooting to Bruce he huffed, "Meeting. Vlad Masters. One ish hours away."

Bruce's eyes shot to Alfred who only raised a brow at the two and Bruce stiffened "We can speak later in my Study Tim, eat something other than coffee and we can go do that." Getting a nod from Alfred, Bruce seemed to deflate with a sigh.

Grumbling, Tim picked at the plate of food Alfred placed in front of him, before forcing himself to eat, he would need energy more than coffee.

After managing to finish half his plate, Tim stood, "Come on, I need yo clue you in to somethings I was researching last night B..."

---

Bruce stayed silent as he sat down in his office, a tablet on his lap as he went through the test results once again.

"...are you saying me and Dick had Lazarus water laden food last night?" Tim said with frigid calmness

Biting back the urge to clam up and try and keep his son from worrying, Bruce nodded, "Trace amounts yes, I am unsure of its origins, the samples I was able to pull were much more pure than we are used to. How are you feeling?"

He watched as Tim held his face in his hands, massaging his temples before speaking, "Fine really? A little tired, appetite isn't there but that's normal...been feeling a strange sensation in my side but that is just likely phantom pain."

Noting everything down, Bruce nodded slowly, "Dick mentioned that he was still full feeling after a night's sleep and that some old wounds were feeling strange, I can only assume you are feeling your splenectomy scar?"

Sighing at Tim's agreement, Bruce noted a few more things down, making holding the last line to ask Damian if he had any knowledge on eating food effected by the pits, and another one not to tell Jason about this all in case it triggers something in him

"Putting that aside, B, what about Masters? Vladco makes medical stuff right? Shady business practices?" Bruce gave a grunt, switching the tabs on his pad to show him thr information on Vladimir Masters.

"Age 48, male, standing 6'1, weighs about 180, doctorate in theoretical quantum mechanics, had a lab incident preparing for a theise that left him hospitalized for some time, after he recovered and graduated is when his suspected criminal activities began, since then he has had several business owners simply sign their lively hoods to him...I suspect he is Meta with some sort of mind control abilities, the lab accident would make sense in awakening his Mets gene."

Bruce spoke as he handed the tablet over to Tim, "He sponsors several scientists with various types of study, two that stick out are Doctors Fenton and CADMUS."

Tim pulled a face as he followed along through the tabs of research "CADMUS? Really? So we are looking at some Midwestern millionaire that is totally not a supervillian in the making...what's up with the Fentons?" Handing the tablet back Tim flopped down into the chair opposite to Bruce.

"I am trying to figure that out, so far I know they went to school with Masters, and were there with him during the lab accident, the continual funding Masters is giving them makes me suspect they are just as involved in what ever Masters is to to..." Bruce was going to continue when there was a knock on the study door, and Alfred poked his head in.

"If you wish to be on time to your meeting, I would suggest Master Timothy get dressed now so you both might be in the car while I drive it to Wanye Towers."

Bruce frowned, but nodded, giving time a small smirk as the teen begins to realize he is just in a winkled t shirt that Bruce was 95% sure was Conners, and a pair of shorts that Bruce was very sure were Barts.

[scariusaquarius]

rehab. 5.

Avenger! Bucky Barnes x Winter Soldier! Fem! Reader

Summary: While on a mission to find any more possible super soldiers that were a part of the Winter Soldier program, Steve and Bucky make a discovery in an abandoned HYDRA base that was cleared out a few years prior to their mission. They discover the Reader, a long-forgotten soldier that was still asleep within a functioning cryostasis pod; still awaiting orders. While Bucky isn't happy about it, he is put up to the challenge of helping to rehabilitate the soldier in Wakanda where she may be able to become a person again.

-

A/n: This chapter is going to contain some very dark and graphic scenes. Please read carefully. I'm really happy that you guys are enjoying the story! The comments are feeding me and motivating me so much, I really do appreciate the support. Also, you can read it here on my archive account as well!

This is an au where Bucky joined the avengers but still rehabilitated in Wakanda (sometime before Infinity War [canon divergent cause NOPE]). I am NOT fluent in Russian, so I did use google translate cause I couldn't find a good translator that I trusted. If anything is wrong, PLEASE let me know!! Also, I tried to list as many warnings as possible so you know what the story will contain as chapters are posted. Stay safe!

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Genre: Slowburn, Enemies to Lovers/Friends to Lovers, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Humor, Drama, Dark Content Rated: Explicit Warning: Angst, Dark Content: Graphic Depictions of Sexual Assault, Blood and Gore, Mentions of Manipulation, Kidnapping, Canon-Typical Violence, Body Horror, Nonconsensual Body Modification/Scarring, Emotional and Physical Abuse, Mentions of Murder, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts/Ideation, Graphic Depictions of Human Remains, Mentions of Sexual Coercion/Manipulation, Death, Misuse of Drugs/Forced Drugging, Self-Harm (Graphic Depictions and Mentions), Nightmares

-

Author: ScariusAquarius

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rehab masterlist. chapter 1 / chapter 2 / chapter 3 / chapter 4

All through the night, Shuri had worked on dissecting the Winter Soldier's brain. When Bucky had swung by the lab in the morning, it seemed as though Shuri hadn't slept at all. Her space buns were now down, the freely-hanging braids swinging wildly as she walked around the cryostasis pod with quick paces.

Her brows were furrowed with annoyance, the princess cursing to herself in Xhosa as Okoye stood by, raising a brow at the profanities Shuri was listing off. Bucky was concerned, greeting her with a tilt of his head and holding out a cup of coffee for her.

"Good morning. Did you get any sleep at all?"

"Good morning, Sergeant Barnes. I admittedly lost track of time, but the programming is proving to be difficult. Every time I seem to get past the encryption, another layer pops up and tries to activate her. However, since she's in cryostasis, the activation is failing."

Bucky nodded, humming thoughtfully as he stared at the woman within the pod.

"Seems like they updated their programming to avoid another...well, me."

Shuri nodded, huffing as she glanced back at him.

"Exactly. I knew that she was going to be complex, but I didn't think to realize that they would install safeguards in such a way. I can do it, it's just frustrating."

Okoye hummed, quirking her brow slightly before snorting in amusement when Shuri glared back at her.

"She has been yelling profanities for the last two hours."

Shuri waved her off, not even gracing Okoye with a response. Instead, she gestured Bucky over, expanding the hologram of the woman's mind. Throughout her mind, Bucky could see pulses of...something...happening, and he glanced at Shuri when the woman asked.

"What do you see?"

"Um, it looks like there's a lightning storm flashing through her mind."

Shuri smiled, nodding.

"Precisely. The synapses of her brain are firing rapidly despite her being in cryostasis. Do you understand what this means?"

Bucky was quiet, shrugging slightly, and Shuri rolled her eyes before saying.

"She is dreaming, White Wolf."

Bucky was surprised, asking Shuri as she began to poke around the hologram, pulling up a couple sections.

"Wait, she is?"

"Yes, and with my technology, I've been able to see into these dreams."

Her expression became grim, eyes darting away from Bucky, and Bucky understood what her expression was saying. Whatever Shuri was able to see hadn't been pleasant in the slightest, which in a morbid way, Bucky wasn't even surprised. Almost wordlessly, she pulled up a particular image, explaining.

"I was only able to get glimpses and small portions of dreams due to HYDRA's programming kicking me out repeatedly, but from what I saw...it was truly horrific. The things that HYDRA did...the things it seems that she is remembering, or perhaps never forgot, are...they are horrific, Sergeant Barnes."

Bucky frowned deeply as looked at the images that Shuri was showing him. Some were of a familiar cell wall, some were of blurred faces that were familiar yet unknown at the same time, and there was one that made his stomach churn.

Blood. There was so much blood covering her naked thighs and pooled beneath her. Shuri had taken the time to carefully blur the soldier's vagina from view, but Bucky didn't even need to see it to know what they had done.

You're a super soldier, they would say. You can take it.

Bucky bit his tongue while his back stiffened considerably, and Shuri brought up a clip that began to play automatically. It seemed to be of a previous killing, the man on the ground looking up at the soldier fearfully as a bloody hand came into view.

He seemed to be begging, crying hard as the body of a child whose head was crushed and gushing with blood and destroyed brain matter laid within his lap. The soldier was holding a gun, and when the gun was fired, the clip ended.

"Were you able to do this with me as well?"

Bucky's tone was quiet, his words almost a whisper as he looked away from the clip, his breathing starting to accelerate slightly as Shuri swiped the clip away quickly.

"Definitely, but not to this extent. However, our work together helped to shape my technology into this."

Shuri gestured to the hologram with her hand before she glanced back at Bucky, pursing her lips as she grabbed another image and maximized it, showing the image of a blurry paper-crochet butterfly and small hands that were in the process of decorating the art project.

"There are a few memories that I was able to get to, though they are slightly miniscule; almost useless to us in figuring out who she is."

Another video came up, a short 10 second clip that showed the soldier in what looked to be a graduation or awards ceremony. There was an elderly-looking hand that was lifting a medal before pinning it to her chest, and Bucky's eyes widened.

"Wait a minute...that looks familiar. Can you clear up the image a bit?"

Shuri looked smug before winking as the image cleared, showing a medal that had an inscription engraved onto it. Bucky shook his head in surprise, saying as he uncrossed his arms in surprise.

"No wonder she's a ghost. She worked for the CIA."

The medal that the soldier had been given was for Career Intelligence, a reward that came from exceptional achievements and, if Bucky remembered right, the length of service. Shuri hummed, stating as she crossed her arms and glanced at the woman.

"Not all ghosts are completely untraceable. If I can get deeper into her mind and get more parts of her memories unlocked, I can attempt to figure out who she is a lot easier and faster."

Shuri then shook her head, huffing with frustration.

"The risk that comes with doing so, however, is that once she awakens and her mind is able to be more active, these memories have a chance of coming to her all at once. It will be an overwhelming and horrifying experience for her."

Bucky sighed heavily. If that happened, there was a risk that it could reactivate HYDRA's programming and she would become an active threat, and nobody wanted that.

Hell, his temple was still throbbing.

Bucky then glanced over at Shuri again when Shuri pointed to a hologram of a document with the CIA's official seal, maximizing the image and swiping a few of the scanned documents away.

"Because we know our soldier was a part of the CIA, I scanned through their database to see if I could find anything akin to the Winter Soldier program. While the CIA is involved in a super soldier project, I haven't found anything of use yet. And don't worry, I erased my tracks as soon as I made them."

Shuri smirked with a haughty glint within her eyes, and Bucky chuckled at her. He hummed after mulling through his thoughts for a moment.

"It's nice to know that we're getting closer to knowing who she is, but if you can't get past the firewalls of the algorithm...how would we reactivate her without wiping her?"

"I can put a temporary lock upon her most recent memories from the time she was awakened until now. That lock will slowly deteriorate over time, almost like a dissolvable suture, so it won't be permanent."

That was nice to know, at least. T'Challa's voice made Shuri and Bucky jump from the surprise, the two of them looking back at him as he walked inside of the lab.

"If our Isithunzi worked for the CIA before she became a Winter Soldier and was awarded for her work, then perhaps the next step would be to look at every single employee that was in service within the last 50 years that received recognition from the agency."

He was holding the black book within his hands, and T'Challa placed it down on a table beside one of the original Black Panther suits, the king regarding the two of them with a tired look. Shuri scoffed, waving him off before doing the Wakandan salute.

"Please, you always think so lowly of me. When I discovered this particular memory, I downloaded as much information as I could without tripping the CIA's cyber security systems. There's at least 75 years worth of information here. If we filter out employees that hadn't specifically received a Career Intelligence reward, we lower the number to at least five to 10 years."

Bucky was impressed, and he joked gently.

"You ever thought of becoming a spy?"

T'Challa pursed his lips in annoyance when Shuri laughed loudly.

"Not in your life, White Wolf. I like being my own boss."

"Unless the king says no."

Shuri didn't even grace T'Challa with a response, making the man roll his eyes and shake his head. T'Challa regarded Bucky with a hard gaze, asking him.

"Have you gotten in touch with the Captain to see if Tony or Natasha have found anything as well?"

"Not yet. I was kind of waiting on them to get in touch with me."

T'Challa nodded, and he suggested.

'You should tell the Captain what you have found. I am sure that he is eager to know what we have uncovered."

Bucky nodded despite the cryptic feeling that was twinging T'Challa's words, and he walked out of the lab into a deserted hallway, a couple of the Dora Milaje standing guard. Awkwardly nodding to them in greeting as he walked down the hallway, Bucky slipped out the phone within his pocket and frowned.

Despite the fact that he'd had the thing for a while, Bucky still couldn't quite grasp the fact that touch-screen was a thing. Hell, the last time Bucky had ever used a phone before HYDRA, it was to call his little sister, Rebecca, before he went to Europe with the 107th.

He could still remember the number for the Shelbyville operator, the specific number for Rebecca's telephone, and how calls were logged and billed for at the end of the month. Now, it took just dialing a number directly. Bucky's mind was still having a bit of trouble wrapping around the idea of call operators not really being a thing anymore.

Shaking his head slightly, Bucky called Steve, a quiet part of his mind wondering if Steve had felt this way before as well. The meaningless thought was squandered when Steve answered, sounding a bit out of breath as he spoke.

"Hey, Buck. Any progress yet on the woman?"

Bucky hummed, leaning against the wall as he glanced in the direction of the lab, replying.

"We got a bit of good information. Shuri's technology was able to get through to some parts of the woman's brain and reveal some memories of her. Apparently, she was a part of the CIA before she became a Winter Soldier."

Steve made a noise of surprise, stating.

"That makes things a bit easier. Tony wasn't really able to find a lot, and Natasha hasn't even combed the surface of the databanks we acquired."

"She's a complete ghost, so I don't know if it'll help. There's something else, though..."

Bucky's voice trailed off for a moment, his surprise hitting him again before he informed Steve.

"...the woman's dreaming. Shuri had a live hologram of the woman's brain up, and she said that the synapses of her brain were firing in a way that was common with dreaming."

"Which means the woman might be remembering things...that's good, right?"

The image of the woman's bloodied legs came to Bucky's mind, and he tightened his grip on his phone, muttering.

"I don't...I don't know. Some of the images that Shuri was able to capture of the woman's dreams and memories...they weren't pleasant."

Steve was quiet for a moment, and he replied with a stern tone of voice.

"We'll get this figured out and we'll find out who she is. If not...then we can help her become a new person...a completely clean slate."

Bucky didn't comment on the way that Steve said 'we' and instead rubbed a hand over his face, muttering.

"The CIA seems to have a super soldier project, but it's not confirmed that the CIA had any volunteers that we know of...it's mainly rumors and ideas."

Bucky added as he watched T'Challa and Shuri leave down the opposite hall, their steps quick and purposeful.

"It's possible there were HYDRA agents within that stole information on the serum, or the serum itself, that the CIA was concocting and grabbed some random woman off of the side of the street. They, as well as HYDRA, have the ability to scrub a person completely off of the radar, and nobody is gonna be looking for a nobody."

Steve was firm, and Bucky knew the man had to be shaking his head at him as Steve slightly scolded him.

"That's not true. There's always going to be someone...we just don't know if that someone is alive or dead. According to that book we found, she's been an active soldier for HYDRA since 1985, and who knows how long she was there before she was created. 30 years is a long time."

"Yeah? Try 70."

Steve was quiet, and Bucky apologized quietly, revealing gently.

"Sorry...I'm sorry...it's just...it's a lot."

Steve's voice was gentle with patience, making Bucky furrow his brows as he ran a hand through his hair.

"I know, Bucky, but I'm with you till the end of the line. You know you can call me at any time and talk to me."

"I know. I'm with you till the end of the line, too, pal."

Steve then groaned gently when the sound of an explosion went through the phone, and he was quick to inform Bucky.

"Hey, I gotta go. Queens just crashed in. Literally. Call me if you get any updates, and I'll call you if I get one first."

Before Bucky could respond, the line went dead, and Bucky shook his head and slipped his phone back into his pocket. Walking back into the lab, Bucky came to stand in front of the cryostasis pod.

Hands within his pockets, he stared at the woman, gazing at the scars that covered her lower jaw and neck, and he watched as the live feed of her brain began to become active again.

An alert showed up along with a video, and Bucky was astounded to realize that it was a live feed of the dream the woman was currently having. It was a bit jarring to watch, bits and pieces becoming jumbled and blurry, and then it began to become clear.

The woman was standing before a man that Bucky knew very well, his face crystal clear to him and sparking rage deep within his chest. Bucky watched as Rollins spoke to her, and though there was no audio to be able to hear what he was saying, Bucky knew it wasn't pleasant.

Rollins seemed angry, walking back and forth in front of her before striking her down with a baton, the view shifting to the floor as the soldier fell and blood splattered onto the ground as if the woman had coughed.

From there, it only got worse, and Bucky had to turn away the second the soldier began to unbuckle the man's belt with bloodied hands, his anger becoming too much. Anger, regret, recognition, it was too much for Bucky to handle.

He could feel his chest restricting, could feel the oxygen becoming harder to breathe, and a tingling sensation began to grow within his toes and fingers.

Flashes began to appear within his own mind, images of the Enforcer's hosing his naked body with ice-cold water before they began to touch him; reaching for places he didn't want to be touched.

He could feel their teeth in his flesh, could hear the echoes of their taunts as they laughed menacingly, and Bucky squeezed his eyes shut as he began to tremble and feel disgusted by his own body. A voice within his head began to speak to him gently; familiar and comforting as it guided him.

Breathe, Bucky.

In and out. Slowly. You are not their tool anymore. They can't hurt you. You're free.

Bucky repeated the words in his head over and over, as many times as he could.

I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I am James Buchanan Barnes. I am Bucky.

Swallowing thickly, it took a little while for his heartrate to settle, and he stood upright, rubbing his chest slightly. Closing his eyes, Bucky could feel the tears starting to well up within his eyes, and he took a few more deep breaths.

Turning back to the screen, he was thankful that the image was gone. Instead, the woman seemed to be dreaming of a wooded area, the point-of-view looking down at a plaque that was placed within stone In the peripheral vision, there was a little kid's hand that was grabbing at one of the flowers that was surrounding the plaque.

It was so peculiar to Bucky to the point that he was completely jarred out of his panic. Squinting, he began to realize that this plaque was familiar, especially when the name on the plaque became clear.

Meltzer Woods.

He knew that name and place. In fact, Bucky could recall the trails like the back of his hand, could still smell the wildflowers, and if Bucky really thought hard enough, he could still hear the way his mother scolded him as Rebecca became upset by Bucky teasing her.

"Come, now, James. Leave your little sister alone."

He could still remember the way Rebecca had squealed, though time had taken away what exactly she had panicked over. He recalled that his mother had placed her hands on her hips, giving him a stern gaze when Bucky had talked back to her; exasperated as Rebecca began to cry.

"But Ma, we're in the woods! Of course there's going to be bugs!"

"Now, don't you give me that lip. You don't want your father to hear, do you?"

The memory slowly faded, but Bucky was too floored to care.

What had the soldier been doing in Shelbyville, Indiana? Did she know the place like he did? Was this from a time before she had been with HYDRA?

"You look as though you have seen a ghost!"

Shuri was back, giving him an odd look as Bucky stared at the woman in the cryostasis pod, and all Bucky could respond with was-

"I think I did."

-

STORY NOTES: Shuri has been working endlessly to get past HYDRA's programming. She is verbally and visibly frustrated, which Bucky becomes concerned about as he greets her. Shuri reveals that she had lost track of time because of HYDRA's programming continuously throwing up more firewalls that try to activate the soldier every time she managed to break through another.

Bucky comments that HYDRA seems to have updated their algorithms since his departure. Shuri then shows Bucky a live feed of the digital rendition of the soldier's brain, telling Bucky to list off what he observes. Bucky observes that the activity within the brain looks like a lightning storm, which Shuri agrees and elaborates.

It is revealed that the soldier is currently dreaming despite being in cryostasis, and Shuri reveals that she has developed a technology that allows her to be able to show what a person is dreaming about. Using this technology on the soldier, however, reveals the gruesome treatment HYDRA inflicted and the brutality of the Winter Soldier.

Shuri's technology is able to access and project dreams in the same way, and she shows Bucky a memory the soldier had about receiving a medal. Bucky recognizes the medal, and it's revealed that the Winter Soldier had been involved with the CIA at some point on a professional level.

T'Challa makes a recommendation to Bucky to get in touch with Steve, and Bucky agrees. He reflects on the advancements of communications technology and how he had to speak to an operator to call his sister when he was still int he ARMY. Bucky then tells Steve about what Shuri had found, and he also reveals that the woman is dreaming.

After his phone call, Bucky goes back to the lab and is angry when he is shown a memory that the soldier is currently remembering of her Handler, which Bucky recognizes as Jack Rollins. Bucky begins to experience a PTSD episode where he begins to remember when Enforcers sexually assaulted him during a hose-down.

Once he calms down, Bucky recognizes a place that the soldier is now dreaming of: Meltzer Woods. He recalls a memory of him, his parents, and his little sister going to the trails all of the time since Meltzer Woods is located in his hometown of Shelbyville, Indiana, and when Shuri comes in and comments about how Bucky looks as though he's seen a 'ghost', he comments that he might have. End Scene.

TRANSLATIONS:

Isithunzi - Xhosa for [the] shadow/shade

TAGLIST: @mgchaser @tilldeathripsusapart @vicmc624 @aash3

[adhdstudybitch]

I went on a deep dive into night owl research at like 2 am and actually cried? Bad tears. Tears of "we're perfectly normal yet the entire world is build around morning people, tells us that we're lazy, lies and says that we're harming ourselves if we follow our bodies natural sleep patterns, causes us to live in sleep deprivation our entire lives, and treats being a night owl like it's a moral failing. Most advice for night owls is how to fix your sleep schedule, how to become a morning person, how to be a productive member of society by doing something that will result in you never feeling rested, moving through the world with constant fatigue and brain fog, cognitively impaired because you're always functioning on a deficit."

Until a month ago, I had never known what it felt like to wake up well rested. I've spent the last three years trialing too many sleep medications to count, doing sleep cbt where my sleep hours have been meticulously tracked, restricted to night time, three different sleep studies, and after all that I'm just a night owl. The first week I let myself go to bed when I actually got tired and wake up without an alarm (to see when I'd naturally wake up) was the first time I experienced true restfulness in my life. And what do you know? My body's natural rhythm kicked in, and now I go to bed at 3:30 (sometimes 4:30) and naturally wake up at 11:30, and I feel good! I'm sleep the exact same amount of hours as before (with the help of ambien) but everything is different.

It feels weird and good, but I also feel so angry and cheated. You mean I could have had this my whole life, but you built the world around working 9-5, made waking up at 6 am a badge of honor, and shoved everyone into the same patterns even though it's fucking biology??? No, night owls can't be "trained" to become morning people. Leave us alone.

I had fantasies last night of opening a night owl "cafe", someplace we could go when the rest of the world slept. Holding book clubs and meet ups and trivia and all that fun shit. Expanding to include a night time corner store next door with your basic groceries and household necessities. Hours of operation 8 pm - 6 am. What a difference that would make!

[sturn1olo-ffics]

- “ALRIGHT BABY” -

pt. 1 | pt. 2

- Matt Sturniolo (and Chris Sturniolo) x Fem Reader (she/her pronouns used)

- Warnings: making out, mentions of alcohol, cheating, profanity, use of y/n, I think and hope that’s it!; NOT PROOFREAD

- About: After you and Matt’s little… “bit” in the car last night, you wake up to your worst nightmare. You’ve been asked on a date… by the other triplet.

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Y/N’s POV:

I woke up next to Matt in his bed.

What the fuck happened last night?

I got up and paced the bathroom just outside of his bedroom while all the memories flooded back into my cloudy brain.

How was I gonna tell Nick and Chris?? Did they already know??

I walked into the living room to see Chris sprawled out on the couch, still half asleep.

“Hey y/n! I didn’t know you stayed the night…? I thought Matt took you home.” he questioned.

“Oh I wasn’t feeling too well so he brought me here.” I quickly blurted out.

“Did he put you in my room for the night? I didn’t see you when I came home, but then again I was drunk as fuck and didn’t go down there.” he laughed.

“Yeah, yeah I slept in your bed last night. I hope that’s okay?” I lied straight through my teeth.

“Of course. What kinda question is that? Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to go to dinner and a movie later?” Chris asked, sitting up from his slumped state.

“Yeah sure! Let me just go get my things and head back home to get changed and… clean…” I laughed.

“Yeah of course. And I was just wondering if this could maybe be like… a me and you kinda thing? Just us?” he stood up with me.

Pausing in my tracks, I didn’t know what to say. I had completely forgotten about how madly in love with Chris I was.

“Sounds good! I’ll be back at 5:00?” I nervously backed away.

“Alright kid see you then.” he walked towards the kitchen as I headed toward-

Wait. Fuck. All my stuff was in Matt’s room. He’s gonna know.

“CHRISSSS COME UP HERE THERES A SPIDER AND MATT ISNT ANSWERING HIS PHONE!!!” Nick screamed, saving me.

Chris left the room and I immediately bursted into Matt’s room, grabbing my things and trying not to make a noise.

“Where are you going pretty girl?” Matt rolled over.

“I gotta get home, left my lights on and I don’t want the power bill to be extremely expensive.” I laughed and walked toward the door.

“Alright baby, text me when you get home.” he mumbled with his morning voice.

Fuck. I’m supposed to still hate him.

4:00pm

I’m finishing my makeup to go hang out with Chris.

I mean, it’s just hanging out right? We always do that, why am I so nervous now?

I finished my makeup, looking flawless.

I decided to do my favorite hairstyle and put on a cute outfit that made me comfortable but still looked nice-casual.

Then I left for the triplets’ house.

5:00pm

“Hey, I’m outside.” I texted Chris.

He came out, looking nice as ever. His perfect hair blowing in the wind and his bright blue eyes shining in the sun’s golden hour.

“Hey” he smiled as he hopped in the passenger seat.

“Hey! What are Nick and Matt up to?” I asked, trying to start a conversation even though my palms were sweating with nerves.

“Oh, you know the usual. Matt’s being a dumbass talking about how you were being so stupid last night. And Nick’s going to hang out with Madi. I told them I was going with Carrington to dinner.” he looked out the window at the golden sun.

“Matt was calling me stupid?” I had only focused in on that part, completely ignoring the fact that he lied to his brothers about where he was going.

“Yeah? He always does?? You’d expect that, I mean, y’all hate each other y/n.” he laughed and turned towards me.

“Yeah of course, just making sure he wasn’t making up LIES about me now.” I laughed nervously, playing it off.

We pulled up to this pizza restaurant that we both love and ate there while talking about old memories and laughing over the music playing in the restaurant.

Then, we pulled up to the mini golf place.

Me and Chris had been here a million times, it was one of our favorite things to do. But for some reason, I was blowing it. Getting 7 swings per hole. Losing by 23.

“Here, let me help you.” he laughed while I struggled hitting the ball in the hole.

Looking into my eyes, we locked eye contact for a split second before he wrapped his hands around mine on the club and guided it toward the ball.

“There you go.” he said, smiling when I hit the ball in.

“Thank you, Chris. I don’t know what’s up with me tonight.” I laughed.

But I did know what was up. I was in love with my best friend, Chris, and I’m on a date-ish thing? with him right now. All while knowing the fact that I made out with his brother last night and we are secretly a thing.

Fuck. I’m so cooked.

We left the mini golf place, hopping into the car, and decided to drive to our favorite lookout spot to see the city.

I parked the car as Chris spoke, “Y/n…?”

“Yeah Chris?” I glanced over.

“This is stupid. But I really can’t resist. Looking at you tonight has made me realize how absolutely down bad I am for you. And all I wanna do is press my lips against yours.” he stared into my eyes with a serious gaze.

Without thinking, I connected our lips.

They moved in sync with each other until I pulled back.

“Chris-” I started before he cut me off by placing his lips back on mine.

Our lips, tongues, bodies, everything moved in sync like we were made for each other.

I grasped his hair with my fists, but couldn’t help but notice how it felt like Matt’s.

Fuck. MATT!

I looked down to my phone buzzing, pausing the best make-out session I had ever had, to see Matt calling me.

“Why is Matt calling you of all people?” he questioned.

“I don’t know, that dumb fuck probably needs to know where the spare key is to my apartment so he can get Nick’s leftovers for him.” I stepped out of the car and answered the phone.

“Hi sweet girl, what are you up to?” Matt said, I could tell he was smiling through the phone.

“Oh nothing, just hanging out with Tara.” I laughed.

Fuck. What am I doing?

“Alright well I was calling to see if I could come over later… after Nick and Chris go to sleep?” he giggled.

“Yes baby, I’ll text you when I get home.” I smiled.

“Why are you whispering?” he questioned.

“Oh- uh Tara’s listening to a voice memo and needs me to be quiet outside the car.”

“…okay…well I’ll let you go then, call me later pretty girl.” he stated.

I jumped back in the car quickly to find Chris scrolling on instagram.

“Hey, sorry, his dumbass couldn’t figure out where the box was that I was telling him to get.” I laughed, trying to play that off. And desperately hoping. Chris did not hear that conversation.

“No baby you’re good.” he smirked, pulling me in for one last, sweet kiss.

“Fuck you’re so hot.” I giggled. Acting as if I don’t think that about his triplet brother.

He laughed in response before tucking my hair behind my ear saying “I’m lucky to have such a sweet girl in my life that I can actually trust. No one is loyal anymore these days. But my sweet girl is.” he gently caressed my arm.

“But, as much as I don’t want this moment to end, I need to get home because I told Matt and Nick I’d be back by 9:30.” he laughed.

I put the car in reverse and drove him back home, hoping no one saw my car before I headed out.

Upon walking into my house, I stood in the doorway to think.

Fuck. I’m two-timing my best friend and his brother.

Wait… I’m two-timing my best friend and his brother…

I smirked before picking up my phone to call Matt.

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A/N: Y’all!!! I actually love where this fic is going omg 🤭🤭 my plans are cooking. I hope y’all are liking this so far! I might turn this into a series but I’m unsure right now. Anyway, send suggestions in my inbox for what you may want to see with this fic (or another fic) in the future! Make sure to check out my guidelines in my pinned post though!! 🤍🤍🤍 Maya

[lazycats-stuff]

Chapter 5

Lets go!

Word count: 3k

Warnings: Jason Todd bonding, Bruce is investigating, sad Elias,

Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9

Bruce didn't tell anything to Elias about Aseel's disappearance. He didn't know how Elias could take it and right now it's important for him to stay stable as much as possible. And besides, how is he going to explain the fake business travels?

Aseel is a staple in Elias' life and there is a chance that Elias won't even believe him at all. Bruce saw how smart Elias was and how calm he could be, but this is something that could break his mind. And more so, it was obvious that Elias cares a lot about him.

The thing that made Bruce worried was the fact that Damian has said that he has seen Aseel somewhere. Damian knew that it wasn't in front of the school because he would have remembered him. Elias slept in the next morning because he won't be going to school.

The first night didn't went well for Elias. He couldn't fall asleep after hours and once he did, he woke up in cold sweat. Everything felt like a nightmare and he cried softly into the night. He looked at the necklace that was shining with the moonlight on his nightstand.

It felt suffocating. The last gift from her and probably the last thing that his father had given her. How did they even meet? Where did they meet? Does he have anymore siblings?

His mom was a bit older for the average mom of his peers, but that wasn't a bad thing. But it made him wonder from time to time if he had any siblings. Did he have a sister maybe? Or a brother? It would be nice to not be an only child.

But all the answers went missing with his mom. He sat up in the bed after some hours, seeing that it was dark and it wasn't even 6 am yet. He rubbed his eyes. He was exhausted beyond belief and he walked like a zombie to the bathroom.

After brushing his teeth and washing his face, he changed into the clothes he got yesterday. He went downstairs, trying to remember where the kitchen and the living room was. He needed some water and he needs to clear his mind.

He quietly walked to the kitchen, turning on the lights before entering, somehow remembering where the glasses have been put. He took one and pour some cold water. He was just leaning against the counter, drinking cold water.

The water felt heavenly against his throat. Elias put the glass into the sink, hands shaking. He has never felt this afraid before. Never had been so afraid that his hands shook. And his mind has never went into a such dark place. One of the thoughts that wormed into his mind is did Bruce took him in for sympathy and publicity?

He took a deep breath to calm himself down. He gripped the edge of the sink to tightly that his knuckles became white. He took a deep breath once more, looking up. He turned his head when he heard someone coming.

It was Tim. Tim stopped dead in his tracks, eyeing Elias.

" Are you okay? You are shaking. " Tim said, walking closer to him.

" I had a nightmare. " Elias said quietly, straightening his back. He watched as Tim took a cold water bottle from the fridge.

" Do you want to talk about it? It could help you. " Tim suggested and Elias pondered. Does he really want to? He doesn't know Tim that well... But maybe opening up will help.

" I just had a nightmare and I didn't sleep well and I just cried for hours. " Elias opened up, blinking at Tim. Tim gave him a small smile.

" What are you doing up so early? " Elias asked him and Tim shrugged. " I had to pull an all-nighter. " Tim said and Elias nodded.

" Oh. Morning gentlemen. " Alfred said, hesitating for a moment. He didn't expect these two in the kitchen.

The two boys murmured good morning and moved to let Alfred go the the cabinets.

" A nightmare? " Alfred asked and Elias nodded, exhausted.

" Would you like some tea? I have one that can help you go to sleep. " Alfred suggested and Elias shrugged.

" Maybe in the evening. But now, my mind doesn't want to sleep. I just can't now. " Elias said, moving to just sit next to Tim at the table. Elias rested his head on his arm, looking at the clock. It's not even 6 yet and it was dark outside.

" I know that feeling Master Elias. Was it a bad nightmare? " Alfred pressed on as he made some coffee for himself.

" I mean... I don't really remember much of it, but I woke up in cold sweat. " Elias explained, trying to rub the sleepiness out of his eyes.

" I know you have said no to the tea, but you can drink it during breakfast and then go to sleep after breakfast. You will need your sleep. " Alfred said, taking a sip of his hot black coffee.

" I will see about that. " Elias said, trying to smile, but he felt like he just grimaced. The kitchen fell into a comfortable silence, only broken when Alfred turned the radio on.

" Did master Bruce tell you anything about going to school? " Alfred asked Elias, turning to face him after flipping the pancake.

" I don't think he did, but I don't think I will be able to go. " Elias said, looking at the entrance when he heard people coming. Bruce entered first, then Damian, Jason and Dick, all in that order. Damian took in Elias's appearance, but choose not to say anything as he sat across from him. Bruce also glanced at him and he knows what has happened.

Bruce chose not to comment and the others choose too. They all knew that look in his eyes.

Nightmares.

" Elias, I wanted to let you know that you won't be going to school today. You went through a lot yesterday and you need to rest. " Bruce said, breaking the silence.

" Thanks. " Elias said, rubbing his eyes once more.

" I know we say this a lot, but if you need to talk to us, you can. To me or Damian or with just anybody. We are all here for you. " Bruce said with a small smile and Elias looked back down at his clasped hands.

One thought that has made its way into his mind just earlier is the fact that Bruce might have taken him in for sympathy and charity points. He didn't want to believe it, but there was always a possibility.

" Now, is everyone ready? " Alfred said, putting the plates in front of everyone. Elias knew that he couldn't eat all of that and Alfred seemed to know this and instead giving him pancakes, bacon and eggs, he got yogurt with granola and fruit.

" Again, I know you probably you don't have an appetite for something heavy in the morning, so I made you something light. " Alfred said and Elias wanted to hug the man.

" Thank you Alfred. " Elias said quietly as he dug in his meal. It felt nice for his stomach too. He should start eating more light in the morning.

Bruce has been sitting in front of the Batcomputer, looking into Aseel. Ever since Damian has said that he was familiar, Bruce refused to let it go. He won't go to bed until he gets rid of this feeling in his mind.

He crossed referenced the name and the picture with his normal databases in Gotham. Nothing. Then a lightbulb went above his head. What if he cross referenced Aseel's name with the criminal databases? He had plenty to choose from anyway.

And if Damian said he was familiar, then he will start with the League of Assassins. Damian wouldn't say that the picture of Aseel is familiar without a reason.

Bruce did so rather unwillingly. He wanted to know the truth, but what is he going to find out? What if Aseel is connected to LOA? What if Natalia was in one? Natalia is a perceptive person and you can't hide being an assassin.

But they aren't together, they are just good friends. Maybe he just found her? Bruce rubbed his eyes, sighing quietly as he waited for the results to pop up.

Should he cross reference Natalia too?

He clicked his tongue, closing his eyes for a moment. He could only hope not. He didn't want to suspect that all of this is a ploy for Elias to gather information as a spy, but there is always a possibility. But if it is true, then Elias is one hell of an actor.

Bruce looked at the screen when he heard a sound on the computer. Aseel is a LOA member. Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose.

This is not good. This is so not good.

He put Natalia's name into the system, at the moment praying that he didn't get a hit. Probably he wouldn't. How did she even come in contact with Aseel? When?

More importantly, how is he going to break these news to Elias? He needs to confirm the suspicions first before telling Elias. He is in a fragile state now.

There is no way he is going to allow him to be broken down even more.

Bruce knew that a press conference is inevitable for his mother. Elias would need to speak for his mother, he needs to be the voice. Whoever took Natalia needs to see what they have done to this poor boy. They absolutely needed to see it.

Bruce just didn't know how to rip the Band-Aid off. Should he ease Elias into it? Should he just say it outright? Either way, he needs to get it out of the way. One way or another.

That's why he led Elias outside to talk about this in the garden. All of them needed some fresh air for this conversation. Elias was confused as to what it might be, but still sat down with Bruce outside in the garden.

Bruce didn't need to be a detective to be able to tell that Elias is nervous. His hands shook a little bit and he was completely restless.

" Now, the reason I called you here is because I wanted to talk to you about a press conference for your mother. The media has slowly been getting a whiff of you being here and if you feel comfortable, I would like you to speak on her behalf, you know what I mean. " Bruce said and Elias looked down for a moment, tears welling up in his eyes.

" I mean... I would like to do it, maybe someone has seen it, but I don't think I will be able to hold it together long enough. " Elias said and Bruce smiled softly. Oh this poor kid.

" I will be right behind you. If you choose to do it of course. " Bruce encouraged and Elias gripped the ring that was hanging on a chain.

" I will have to think about it. " Elias said and Bruce nodded in understanding.

" Will it have any impact? On the investigation I mean? " Elias clarified and Bruce nodded.

" It could have. Somebody can come forward and give the police the information. " Bruce said and Elias nodded tears more obvious now. Bruce brought him into a hug, allowing him to hide his face from the outside world.

" I'm scared. " Elias admitted and Bruce squeezed him a bit tighter.

" That's okay Elias. It's normal to be afraid in this situation. You are allowed to be afraid. " Bruce said, holding a quietly sobbing Elias. And the boy didn't want to be anywhere rather than Bruce's chest. It made him feel safe and it gave him something that he didn't have.

A father figure.

His mom couldn't provide what a father figure could provide. Sure, he had Aseel, his beloved uncle who is nowhere to be found and some could consider Aseel to be a father figure, but he wasn't there enough to help Natalia. His work took him all over the world and he was only in Gotham for a week at most.

That is nowhere near enough for somebody to raise a boy.

Bruce knew that Elias didn't have a father figure. An uncle who travels a lot and is only back for a few days at most is not an adequate father figure to a growing boy. Bruce is more than happy to be the father figure that Elias needs.

" I really have to think about it. " Elias said after sitting up more straight, wiping his eyes.

" And that is okay. Just give an answer by tomorrow. " Bruce said and Elias stood up.

" I'm going back to my room. I will try to go back to sleep until lunch. " Elias announced and Bruce nodded, watching Elias walk off inside.

Elias was now bored as he walked through the manor. Everyone was home, but he was just in the mood to look around. He has tried to sleep, but couldn't.

So what better than to do then investigate? And besides, he had a lot to investigate. Manor is a huge home, almost like a castle and Elias knew that this adventurous spirit he has gotten made him a little bit more energetic than usual.

It was nice to get his mind off of things. Everyone was already home from school and it was more livelier. Elias also talked to Theo today over the phone and Theo was happy to hear that his friend was doing well.

Elias didn't tell Theo about his panic attack and he didn't tell him what he really saw in his apartment. He didn't want to worry Theo even more and he didn't want to worry himself even more.

Theo promised to help with school and the two agree that they would talk or text as much as they could. Now Elias entered what looked like a shooting range, but it didn't really look like your usual targets.

The normal shooting range has paper targets and these were very much wooden and there were still knives stuck into it. Elias was confused as to who throws knifes in this house.

And the answered had walked in the form of Jason Todd.

If Jason has been surprised to find Elias here, he hid it quickly. Elias saw a small bundle in his hands and Jason chuckled.

" I see you have found my range as I call it. " Jason said, moving past Elias to put the bundle on the table on the side of the range. He uncovered it to show of more knives.

Elias had no doubt in his mind that these are sharp beyond belief.

" I'm sor- " Elias started, but Jason quickly jumped in. " Oh no, don't worry. I don't mind it. It's not just mine, but I use it the most. I just love throwing knives and it's nice to let out some steam sometimes. " Jason said, glancing down at his knives. There was a small smile too as his finger glided over the sides of the knives.

" Have you ever thrown knives Elias? " Jason asked turning his head.

Elias shook his head. " No. Never. "

" Would you like to learn how to? " Jason asked and Elias had to nod. It was an interesting thing to him, but he never had a chance.

" I would. " Elias said and Jason waived his hand to summon him closer.

Elias walked closer to the table, looking at the blades.

" Now, here you have balanced knife. This is great for you as a beginner. You also have blade- heavy and handle-heavy. But for now, you need these. We will move on when you move from a beginner to a pro. " Jason said, taking the said blade by the handle, letting Elias take it.

Elias took it gingerly, afraid to cut himself. " Don't worry, these are dulled down. These are the same ones I used to practice. " Jason said, a warm glint in his eyes, seemingly remembering those times.

" Now. What you need to have is a stance. Move here. " Jason said and he moved Elias to a good stance. He also moved Elias' arm. " Now, there are different way of throwing for different ranges. " There is close-range, medium - range and long - range. For now, we will do close range.

After showing Elias different ways to hold a knife, Elias was allowed to throw the knives at the targets. Jason gave him a preview and Elias tried to follow but the knife didn't seem like going into the wood.

Elias would cringe at the sight of the knife bouncing back. Jason had nothing but support for Elias and would correct him when he saw something wrong.

They have been going for an hour and Elias' right arm was hurting.

" One last time. " Jason said and Elias huffed.

He looked at the target and threw the knife. He was prepared for a fail.

But it stuck. Elias did it.

Jason's mouth dropped a little and Elias let out a cheer.

" I did it! " Elias cheered for himself and Jason clapped for him.

" Good job Elias. " Jason said and Elias gave him a quick hug before leaving. Jason watched as Elias left. He couldn't help but smile a little bit. He had to admit, he was a little bit skeptical of Elias, but now he saw how genuine Elias is.

And it was nice to see Elias happy. After the disappearance of his mother, Jason was happy to see him happy, even just for a little bit.

[pbandjesse]

Today was a really a really nice day. I slept a lot better. And I got to be in nature. And it didn't pour, which I was prepared for but I was still plenty surprised.

I slept a lot better last night. And when my alarm went off at 7 I was actually feeling pretty good. I got dressed and my hair was dirty but I was fine.

James didn't come up to say good morning and I was only slightly sad about that. But they would come up and make the bed and when I went downstairs they weren't in the kitchen? And I was very confused. But it turned out they were in the studio. Was just happy to see them.

We had big hugs before we left for work. I like that in exactly the right height to hear and feel their heart beat. It is comforting.

I had a fine drive to work. And got to camp at 8. I would sort of have a lazy day around the actually field trip. I spent the first hour having breakfast and watching videos. I probably could have done some more research on the shields but I am getting a more solid idea of the styles for the different pieces so I will have somewhere to start.

Once everyone was there I would go and set up my print making. And went to hang out on the rocking chairs. I was not feeling very social.

The bus was running late. But that was fine. This was 4th grade and they are known as being the very best grade in the whole school. And they really were just lovely children.

We started in the lodge. And pretty quickly went to the amphitheater. Where we did our warm up. And they were a little more into it. Gabe missed some steps though!! And we had to backtrack to get back on track!! But everyone was good.

Me and Adam lead a hike again. I took them to the stream site. And we started lifting logs and rocks and would find 5 newts! It was so cool. I don't let the kids touch them but I'll hold them so the kids can see them. But man do they want to touch. I totally understand. I love holding animals.

We found some great plants again. And we took a weird and winding way to the Glen. I was also able to bring them to frog hollow and there was no fighting and we saw lots of tadpoles and it was a beautiful day. Not to bright, not to warm, and not raining.

Lunch was good. I had my soup. And tried to just be quiet. I felt very quiet inside. Just feeling kind of introspective.

The afternoon was slow. The kids were pretty interested in the printmaking and the other art. I was pretty excited we finally found some feathers and it worked so well. I was really really pleased.

My feet hurt really bad. Specifically my one toe felt like it was burning. I would spend the afternoon bare foot and that helped a lot but my poor middle toe was all swollen. Ouch. It seems slightly better now with some Neosporin.

We cleaned up around 2. I would wander over to Sarah to hold Samson the tortoise. Told the kids how you can tell of the tortoise is a boy or girl (eye color and the knot their shell for fitting on a girl turtle). You should have seen Sarah's face. Eyes got so big. It was very funny.

I finished cleaning up. I had to keep running around to catch the kids art that was getting blown around. But I collected what I could and brought it to Adam to distribute later.

I would go and collect what I could. And eventually I would go and drop things off at my car before heading to the lodge to clean.

This group was weirdly clean and neat. Didn't fill any trash cans? Bathrooms weren't soaked. It was very odd. But I did my best to still clean and make things nice for tomorrow.

I finished what I could and went to the office to chill. I would hang out for a while but when I checked the weather and saw a storm coming I decided to leave a little early. Joking with Elizabeth and Heather about the reason I had to leave was because of the fly in the office. Any good reason to go home.

I only had some traffic. But mainly the issue was people just coming over to my lane!! No warning!! Terrible. But I am a good driver and avoided them.

I got home at 415. And would spend some time putting things away before I started dying my hair.

I finally combined the last of my dyes. And would use a brush to put it on. Still stained my fingernails really bad. But its whatever.

James would come home and I was really happy to see them. They accidentally kissed my head on my hair dye and it was very funny.

James made me a grilled cheese and a salad. And went to record their podcast.

I would spend the evening just chilling. Hanging out. Enjoying the evening. But not really feeling like doing much of anything. Just a lazy evening.

Eventually James joined me in chilling. And after a bit I would go and finally wash the eye out of my hair. And so far I think it took really well. A very pretty shade. Though I think as I replenish my dye collection I'm going to go back to a dark dark green. It is probably my favorite tone on my hair.

Now we are hanging out and listening to the wind, I am not exhausted exhausted but I am tired. And feeling ready to sleep.

Tomorrow is another indigo group! This time 2nd graders. I hope that the weather doesn't mess it up for them. Fingers crossed.

After camp tomorrow I am also working at the museum. So it will be a really long day. But that is okay. I think it will be fun.

Sleep well everyone. I love you all. Goodnight! Be safe!

[sunflower-kisses]

I am very thankful that David earns enough that I don't have to work. I can't imagine dealing with work with how much sleep I get lately. The baby is up every night about 4 or so hours after going to bed. She has molars coming in, and they kick her butt at night. I'm assuming it's at this time because the teething tablets are wearing off. Tonight, I offered her some motrin, and I think I got it before it got too bad. Normally, she's crying and rolling around and cranky. Tonight, she was just rolling and rubbing her cheeks. So we got up, got some motrin, changed her diaper and got her a bottle.

I'm hoping she goes right back to sleep, but she's usually up for at least 90 minutes to 2 hours. Each time. I'm really hoping 5 she does go back to sleep, it's like it was last night where she slept for almost 5 hours in her crib.

Moving her to her own room has been great so far, but teething has her extra clingy, so I spend , on average, 2-3 hours each night sleeping on her floor with her. Last week, it was pretty much all night. This week, she's doing a bit better. So fingers crossed it keeps on track or gets even better.

[kitchentunes]

I RECORDED SOME STUFF!

And I didn't hate it! lol

To be fair, my life has not been great, health-wise. Currently awaiting some imaging and appointments for rather inconvenient abdominal issues. So that's distressing.

But I still sang!

Much rambling about my voice under the cut 😅 (Warning for intense voice nerdiness)

I was pretty shocked when I got the urge to go record, so I jumped on it even though maybe I should have slept or something instead. But I managed almost an entire HOUR of singing (!!!).

Upon listening to it, it was quite clear I have lost a lot of the flexibility and stamina I used to have. I used to sing for 5-6 hours straight on Sundays for my church gig, in addition to being in community theatre rehearsals several nights a week and teaching music full time. And now my longest stint is 2-3 hours a few times a month at the preschool. To compare the quality required for singing at the church gig and musical theatre (think Mozart and Bach and Sondheim) to the preschool (think Raffi)...it's laughable. No wonder I struggle now!

I did a really mindful warm-up before this recording sesh, too, but it took me 20-30 minutes of singing at full voice to be truly performance-ready. I think part of that was due to being bedridden for a week from this flare up, and in general my body is very slow from all the health stuff, but I know it's a clear sign of lack of use. My issues with shortness of breath are also apparent in some of the recordings, but dammit if I didn't keep singing anyway.

In the end I am not fully satisfied with anything (will I ever be?), but there are quite a few moments that stand out to me as clear improvement, even from just my last posted recording from several months ago. You won't be surprised to hear that Sara Bareilles strikes again with melodies that suit my voice perfectly, so those are the songs that I am most happy with.

If I get around to it, I may splice together some of my favorite bits and pieces from this sesh and post them as a compilation. To my actual surprise, it's my high belt that I'm most pleased with. Some new technique has me SHOOK - singing Celine Dion and Mariah Carey like I kind of know what I'm doing. And on the other end of the spectrum, access to my low range is getting easier and easier, and I'm happy with the tone. I guess it's the middle that needs attention. And to be honest, I think I just need to pick a style and stick with it instead of waffling around in every song.

One really fun thing that happened was when I went to record Olivia Rodrigo's super-hit "Vampire," I channeled the situationship from my early 20s and imagined singing to the asshole who strung me along for years, and it was SO FUN. My voice took on an authentic speech-like quality that felt easy and free. I have a lot of moments that I love from my voice in that, however I was so into it that I lost track of the karaoke backing and so it sounds a bit silly with the timing, so that one may not make it to the compilation lol

Anyway, this got long, but it felt healing to write it all out, so you can have it, too.

Now time for Stardew Valley again lol

[anxiouspregnantlady]

18+5

Yikes, time is going quick. I'm feeling very overwhelmed at the moment. This lil baby is probably the chillest aspect of my life right now. Been feeling her (!) move every day, pretty much anytime I lay down and am still I can feel movement. P still hasn't felt her move yet, her hand is so small lol and she can't wait more than 3 seconds.

Back to overwhelmed. Returning from the weekend is always a bit of a whirlwind. Also I've been waking up so tired, like dead to the world tired. Last night I slept at least 8 hours straight, which is amazing, but am still feeling like a large rock that should NOT be moved.

We had a midwife appointment last week and that went fine, baby is absolutely on track, looking forward a lot to the anatomy scan in a bit less than two weeks. Anxiety is slowly shifting towards labor/birth, though still very low, for which I'm grateful.

I'm feeling pensive at the fact that P is growing up so quick. She loves the book I got from the library, "You were the first", except she switches up the last page and says "You will always be MY first" instead of "THE first", which I find so cute. My love for her is overwhelming. Her need for me is overwhelming still. I'll disappear for 5 seconds and she'll pipe up, "Where's Mama?" This past weekend we took care of 3 kiddos for half a day, including a 6 month old, and P was acutely aware of my changed availability but actually very understanding and agreeable overall. She kept checking in on me and the baby and was very eager to help.

I'm mostly basking in the loveliness this season, as I had so badly wanted to. Just tired at the present moment and quite scattered. K is really looking forward to this baby too and I'm thrilled that we're able to anticipate this new human together. Maybe that sounds quite obvious but idk, couples aren't always in sync, and I think dads in particular can feel less permission to express or even feel their ambivalence. Even though ambivalence is fully warranted in this situation.

Today - work, FB marketplace sale, laundry, try and fix the cast iron pan :(, un-dye clothes that got stained red, goodwill dropoff?, strawberry scones, dinner - salmon, asparagus, soba, pick up P.

SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO!!! SO LITTLE ENERGY!

Oh ok, here is an actual symptom report. I am DIZZY. My blood pressure was UNDETECTABLE at my appointment because it was so LoWWWWW. So I'm eating lots of salt and drinking water, but mostly just trying to be safe. Interestingly, linea nigra is still very faint, not sure if it's changed from baseline (leftover from p). Headaches seem to have subsided. Tired. Ab muscles ache. Not too uncomfortable overall though, so very grateful for that.

[nathank77]

5/9/24

8:06 p.m Edited/Added to

So Erin canceled on me again..... she offered tomorrow but I have things to do. I can fit it in but I woke up at 3:30 for her to cancel on me and I had awful sleep last night.

I closed my eyes for over 2 hours and accomplished nothing...the first hour I was on Hydroxyzine 25mg and half a mg of xanax. And I know factually I did not sleep.

Then I opened my eyes and took a Benadryl 25mg. Closed my eyes at 7:39 a.m and next thing I knew it was like 9 a.m... I don't think I slept cause I didn't dream and that's my only give away except when hours ago by.. all I know is my eyes were closed for a very long time...

I popped another Hydroxyzine 25mg.. and slept until 3:30 p.m and I could have fallen back to sleep if I peeded and took another Benadryl but I woke up to make it to my 4:30 appt that Erin canceled last minute....

So today has just been awesome. I called an attorney and idk if they'll take my case but they might. I await them responding and the DHP got my Kristen report per the tracking number.

Bo4 is going awfully... and I'm pissed caused I only get two weeks of fun out of a 14 week rotation. I'm actually about to play something else bc I'm clearly wasting my time.

I'm miserable. Okcupid is okstupid... I'm fucking alone.

I really needed therapy.. but I mean tomorrow I was going to return shitty shoe soles that i replaced for my adidas and the hdcp bypasser that doesn't work... and pick up a chicken so I can stay in the house Saturday and Sunday. As well as pick up some perscriptions from cvs.. I probably won't bother with therapy tomorrow.

I'm on her schedule for today every week. Why can't she just honor that, I could have gotten a full night of sleep if I knew she was going to cancel.

Why doesn't anyone talk to me? Why am I so alone? Why is everything so shitty? Why can't I play bo4 when I'm trying just as hard as I do any other day?

Sunday I lose the bo4 day to mothers day bc it's, "easier" earlier in the day. Less sweaty people play and there are more lobbies. Beyond that I didn't go see my grandmother today.

Oh yea and I'm still hallucinating! Yay!

I'm also going to message someone on mother's day and worry she will block me but idk if shes here and it's important to me to say happy mother's day to her.

Beyond that, I have heart palpitations all the time. And sometimes chest pain now...Scheduling this mri is impossible idk how I'm supposed to get it done by the 28th and I have to wait for my cardiologist appt for over so month. I'm sick of taking care of myself for nothing.

I'm not joking I looked at settlement amounts and like people win millions and I don't even care.... nothing will give me my silence back. Nothing will give me my quality of life back.

I also don't have it in me to be rejected by 5000 therapists to replace Erin... so I may just see Mike once a week maybe twice if he can fit me in... and I'd rather see a female two days a week but I can't handle reaching out to 500 different therapists outing myself and being discriminated against.

[bornzmusic]

Happy Birthday

Today is your birthday. You couldn’t even tell me anything to convince me I’d be sitting here writing this 7 days ago. 7 days ago I hadn’t even thought of you much for the past 4 years. 7 days ago I woke up, my only day off. I slept in till noon. I woke up with this longing for you, I felt it in my bones. How could I possibly still miss you? I layed in bed last Saturday with all my lights and clothes off. I layed there till 5 or 6 just thinking about you. At first I told myself I wasn’t going to give this thought much time but it would feel nice to remember what it was like to be held by you. From what was 5 minutes turned into 5 hours and I went from almost half a decade of never thinking of you to everything all at once. I fell asleep that night replaying all these memories stuffed so far down inside me I didn’t even think I had them. To no surprise I didn’t sleep much that night. I woke up again the next day, again I had felt the same way but even stronger. I felt it consuming me. I told myself, ok you have 2 days to think about this and come back to reality. So that’s what I did. Thought about you. To no surprise again, I was getting less sleep than the night before. Last night I think I slept 1-2 hours. 

Here I am with my eyes burning and letting my fingers take over my body. Each day I grow more anxious. This morning I woke up with my head over the toilet. I didn’t think I could ever feel like this again. The last time I felt like this was maybe 7 years ago? I didn’t think you could still make me feel like this. How do you do it? How do you still have the same effect on me as you did 12 years ago? I hadn’t even given you so much as a passing thought when a song came on or I drove past the old places we used to go to. I usually will think about you for no more than 5 seconds and go about my day. I would have dreams about you here and there. For years, they would come and go. Each time, waking up confused as to why was this happening. You know what they say though, if you dream of someone it means they are thinking about you. I knew no matter how much time passed I was always going to dream of you. I’m not sure if it’s because my subconscious thinks we have unresolved business or if we are connected in all these lifetimes. 

But not once did I let you consume me. I had a great track record and I thought for a while what was a childhood crush was just that. How do you hold this power over me? How are we able to be silent for years and yet here I am feeling like a little kid. You make me feel like a teenage girl all over again. My stomach is turning and my mind can’t shut off. Why? My life is so wonderful and I’m content with the person I’m with. I mean what more can I ask for? He does everything I could need and more. I love my life now. So why is there still a burning hole in my heart where I once left space for you? Why is it taking over my entire body? Why do I feel unfulfilled without you here? Am I just feeling sad for us and our story? Do I just like the anonymity of you? My brain can’t shut off. I think we would be better friends now than ever. 

You would think I’m so different all while being the same. I don’t even cry much. I haven't even cried about this at all. I don’t even remember the last time I cried besides two nights ago when I was sitting at a table with some friends sharing a story about my past and it made them laugh so hard we were silent and crying. I wish you could’ve seen that moment. I needed to laugh so hard I cried. I don’t even know how to explain what I’m like. Calm maybe? God I’m falling asleep writing this. I’ve been thinking about what you’re like now? Are you still the boy with the brightest smile in the room? What car do you drive? How is your gluten allergy? Is Minnie still around? I’d be devastated if not. What do you like to eat? What is your favorite color? Who are your friends? Did you go to school? Where do you work? Do you still call your mom Ma? What do you like to do in your free time? 

I can piece some things together on my own. Your new girl looks beautiful and kind. I love seeing you happy. Usually this news would seem like something I’d feel sorrowful over. But I don’t even feel that at all. I feel at peace knowing you are in good hands. She really seems lovely. You’d probably make fun of me for being with someone younger than me. You and I both understand why we couldn’t be friends. It ruined too many of your lovers. I can’t help but feel responsible for the last 2 relationships of yours ending. I feel sad for those girls. I couldn’t stand myself for a while. I know what they had felt all too well. You would laugh at how my other relationship ended. But that’s another story for another time. One I would have to tell you in person. 

We never got the timing right did we? We always seemed to just miss each other? As long as I’ve known you, you have been in the arms of another. Some of them are my friends, some of them complete strangers. I’ve always been preoccupied too I guess. It’s scary how similar we are sometimes. Yet so different. Here I am, silently celebrating you on your birthday every year. Don’t think I have once forgotten. I always have celebrated you and I always will. Whether you hear from me or not, I will always do that for you. 24. You are 24. That means I have known you for half your life, and each day after this is more than. As I sit here thinking about your 24 years of life, I think about what I remember about you. 

What do you remember? Do you remember walking through our 7th grade English teachers classroom and locking eyes with me. What I would do to rewind time. Do you remember getting seated at the same table as me? Of course you struck up a conversation with me. I don’t even remember what it was about but it certainly made me laugh. We even got in trouble for talking too much. Do you remember laying your head in between my lap at lunch time and I’d run my hands through your hair? Do you remember falling asleep on FaceTime and lighting shit on fire and your mom coming in to yell at you? Do you remember us playing blink 182 on the computer in my room? Do you remember walking with me home most days and spending afternoons at my house even when you could ride your skateboard home and be home in a couple minutes. Or when we would go to our mutual friends house and we watched stupid movies like sharknado and you snuggled up behind me under the blankets? That became our routine. Walk home from school, get into my bed and cuddle while watching a show or movie. 

Do you remember trying to hold my hand every time we left my front door? You just said “let’s hold hands” and at the time I didn’t think anything more of it. God how I was so naive looking back now. I was convinced you didn’t even like me a single bit considering all I ever saw you was with my friends or other girls. Do you remember getting up in the middle of the night trying to look for me to give me your sweat pants but I was at someone else’s house and they had locked me in a bathroom and took my pants? I tried explaining that, but I think I was under the influence. I apologize for being incoherent. You still continued to look for me as if I was home. You ended up falling asleep in your moms car and you were late to math class the next day waiting for a response from me. You walked up to me the next day in our school hallways trying to get answers and I said “don’t worry about it.” And I tried to walk past you but you grabbed my arm and spun me around to look you in the eyes to tell me “well I am going to worry about it because I care about you.” I think I just rolled my eyes and walked away. 

Do you remember me making eggs for you on toast? You acted like it was the best thing you’ve ever tasted. I still think about you when I make eggs. Do you remember I left school for months. And one day you texted me “when are you coming back I miss you” and I said “tomorrow”. How did you know? This is why I think we are connected. I think you thought I was joking, but the next day I was in your very same class. We actually sat through that entire class without you realizing I was there. I just remained silent and watched you from the other side of the classroom. I remember the day I came back to school was the day there was a test assigned. I got up from my seat to turn it in to our teacher and I remember you sat right next to his desk. I said thank you to our teacher and you looked up and our eyes locked. You started giggling because you couldn’t believe it. I think I just said “I told you” and walked back to my seat. 

Days passed and we were still friends. You were a shit head sometimes but nonetheless friends. Do you remember FaceTiming me and my friend and you were drinking. You both were flirting. You ended up showing her parts of you on the screen. Forgetting I was on the other side too. I remember you asking me one day if I had seen it. You looked nervous. I lied and said no. You laughed in relief and said “good.” I remember a rumor getting spread around that someone saw us kiss on the way home from school. God I have never felt more embarrassed because that could not be anything father from the truth. I remember being in Mr Hill's class and he overheard this and just kept encouraging us to be together. He goes “oh you are perfect for each other”. He loved to embarrass me. My cheeks turned red and I tried convincing him that you and I were just friends. He just kept teasing me about it. What did he know about us? Could he feel it too? I remember friends coming up to always ask if we were something, I would always laugh and deny these claims. Because again you were always with a girl. I don’t even think I knew I liked you at that moment. Do you remember leaving your jackets at my house? Somehow they never returned to you? I tried so many times and you kept leaving without it. I’ll be honest, I slept with it for a while. 

I remember you telling me you were leaving to move to Oregon. I honestly thought you were joking and couldn’t even fathom a world without you here. I mean you were a big reason why I continued to go to that school. The days crept up too fast and you were leaving. I remember it was your last day. It was on Halloween I think or maybe a few days before. You texted me asking if I was still at school and I said yes and you told me where to meet you. I think I ran to you. You took the books from my hands and picked me up and spun me. You held me close to your chest and my legs were wrapped around you with my head nuzzled into your neck. Who knows what we said to each other. I can’t remember. All I remember is walking away and feeling the earth move beneath me. The feeling of missing you had never been stronger than that moment it seemed. 

I remember the day you left. I counted down every second. I could tell the girl I was friends with at the time, had a crush on you. She could see the way you looked at me though. She became resentful towards me over time. She hated the fact that after all this time you still were thinking about me. She hated that you trusted me. She hated me out of jealousy. I could see and understand now how she was so insecure. She started bullying me, she told me you had left when you didn’t. I was upset she took time away from me with you. I don't think she could’ve stood to watch us hug again. She started making up lies and stories about me to make herself feel better about herself. I just let her. You can’t win a battle against someone who is constantly losing with themselves. She hated whenever she brought around a guy she liked, we ended up getting along better. I can see why she was so mean towards me now. I see why she felt threatened. At the time I didn’t understand. She made her friends throw crinkled up balls at me in the school hallway. She hated my effortless understanding of life and the people around me. She hated that I was always calm and quiet and she couldn’t stop being loud. It all makes sense now when I put together the pieces. 

After you left I remember you were driving to Oregon I think. You texted me all these things. I thought you were being silly per usual. I remember you texting me “let’s just text each other like we are dating” and you said the cutest things to me. I giggled the whole time not thinking much of it. I continued to sleep with your jacket. It brought me comfort because it smelt like you. Eventually I had to wash it because I wore it too much. But I was so sad to no longer have that. Every now and then I come across a person who smells exactly like you, my memories of you will flood my head for those seconds. I remember you telling me not to worry for you would be back in the summer and for some holidays. Do you still come and visit ? Sometimes I pretend you are here for a few weeks in the summer secretly hoping I’d run into you or pull up to the same stop light and we would look over at each other and smile. I sometimes wish I could just see you in the flesh, I don’t even have to talk to you. To see you existing would be enough. I would think about all those times in middle school where you take photos of me. Do you still have those? I remember you sending me one of them years later and not believing you had kept that same photo on your phone. Do you remember when I went to New York and brought you and only you a present. You loved the giant Rice Crispy and the Statue of Liberty headband I gave you. You had the biggest smile. You said this was the best gift you had ever gotten. I don’t think at that moment you knew you were giving me the best gift I’ve ever received right back to me. Your happiness and your smile. 

Do you remember seeing me in the food court of our local mall and running to pick me up and spin me? Why did we always do that? Do you remember you picking me up to hug you and I wrapped myself around you for the first time and telling me that was the best hug you’ve ever gotten? Time passed and the distance between us was even further. You were adjusting to your new life all while mine was crumbling in front of me. I left that little friend group. One girl had a crush on me and the other girl was mad at her for liking me. They would fight about me. In front of me. Again here she was jealous that another person close to her was more intrigued by me than her. I decided to remove myself as that friendship no longer served me and it felt like she kept me close to keep an eye on me. Time after time she liked all these boys and they just ended up liking me. I didn’t ask for that. But I couldn’t repair the damage she did when she took precious moments away from me when it came to you. That’s where I gave up. I eventually left that school once again. I had forgotten about my entire life there. 

I met up with one of our old friends and she had asked me how you were. I told her I didn’t know because we didn’t talk. She was confused. She thought we were so close, I think she said something along the lines of “oh I always thought you two were good together” I said “really?” Shocked and confused. She said “yes you both have the same eyes.” I thought about that very sentence for months. I thought about that picture of you as a little boy in your baseball uniform. I think it was on a button if I can remember. Time passed and you were adjusting to your new life. I heard one person tell me you had a girlfriend. I didn’t think anything of it, just good for him. I hope he’s happy. More time passed and eventually you showed up in our hometown. I hadn’t heard from you in a while. You FaceTimed me one night to ask to see me and you were with those friends that I had left. I don’t think you knew what happened at least to the full extent. I could hear them in the background laughing and saying hurtful things and my heart sank further into my chest. I hung up. I remember texting you to please stop and what you did was very hurtful and to not contact me again. I had blocked you from my life. 

I was relieved to be honest. I just wanted the past in the past and to get away from those people. I think after that a few months passed and I realized I had feelings for you I couldn’t deny. I told myself in a year from now, if I still felt how I did about you I would tell you. I mean I gave myself a whole year to let those feelings go and yet they only grew stronger each day. I remember one night I couldn’t take it anymore. I had been losing sleep like I am today. I had to tell you. So I did and I didnt know you had a girlfriend at that time but I know you had to let me down easily. You told me you always considered me to be a good friend and honestly I wasn’t sad or anything about that. I didn’t even want anything from it. I just wanted you to know so I didn’t live in regret forever. Honestly after that I felt so free. I felt a weight off of me and I hadn’t thought about you any day after that. 

A few months pass by and summer comes around. I don’t think I even knew you were coming. I had gotten back from a friend's house and was about to go back out to teepee a neighbor's house with my sister and her friends. I received a phone call from you asking me if you wanted to hang out. I said yes, me and my sister and her friends were going out to teepee so you should come. You headed to my house. It’s like we picked up right where we left off. You were more quiet than usual though. I picked up on that. We were headed out the door when you said you had forgotten your shoes in my room. I said no worries and I’ll wait for you at the door. You told me to come with you, so I did. I remember you stood in front of me and just wrapped your entire body around me and hugged me for what seemed like a lifetime. At that moment time was standing still. I could feel how warm you were and what your heartbeat sounded like. I melted under your touch. You took me and we fell onto my bed. Just like old times. 

I remember you closed your eyes and laid on me for a while. To be honest I was just happy to be near you. I wasn’t expecting anything at all. I thought you had fallen asleep. You started to move your head little by little. Your lips eventually made its way to match with mine and you locked yourself onto me. Do you remember unbuttoning my pants and shoving your hand down. We continued to make out and I felt you needed more. Do you remember getting in your car and driving to the park after you said you wanted to get out of here. Do you remember fucking me on that park bench? Do you remember coming to my house day after day and pinning me against the wall in my bedroom and biting my lip? Do you remember breathing heavily down my neck as you kissed it and bit on my earlobe? Do you remember making your lips down my torso to rip off my pants and throw me onto my bed? I remember you kissing in between my thighs and shoving your fingers in me. I remember you throwing me around my bed. The same one we had become friends in. You would pin me down and pull my hair. Do you remember choking me while slamming yourself against me? Do you remember pulling me up on you? You stood up and would fuck me in the mirror. You would put me down and bury my face into the mattress while you brought your hips to meet mine. Do you remember playing Pink Floyd on your brother's record player? Which you had left yet another piece of you at my house. Do you remember taking naps all summer afternoon? Do you remember going with my sister to the grocery store to pull me aside into an abandoned aisle to stick your hands down my pants and start fingering me? 

Do you remember me sitting in the passenger seat of your dads Cadillac suv and holding my hands wherever we drove? Do you remember kissing me at all the red lights? Do you remember tracing my face with your fingertips lightly. I pretended I was asleep. Do you remember kissing my face for what seemed a billion little times. Do you remember driving to Malibu and we stopped on the side of the road to look at the sunset? You put me on your back and you ran down the sandy beach into what felt like a dream. Do you remember bringing me into your grandparents house on 32nd street I think and pushing me onto the bed to eat me out? Do you remember gently kissing me on the forehead and telling me you don’t know what you would do without me? Do you remember kissing me in the doorway each time you had to go back home? Do you remember taking me to the park by my house and laying me in your lap? I remember looking up at you, you were on your phone. You showed me something on your phone and a text popped up from a girl saying “I miss you”. I kept quiet because it honestly didn’t bother me but who am I to know who that was? My friends had suspicions and I had told them to check your finsta from my account to see if you had a girlfriend. I couldn’t bear to know what was the truth. I didn’t want to see it. I still can’t look at your social media to this day. So much time had passed from when I heard you had a girlfriend I didn’t want to create assumptions and think the worst. Part of me just wanted to hold on to this fairytale for a little while longer. My friend had looked at me and said “I’m not going to say anything to you because who knows if they broke up but it does look like he had/has a girlfriend”. And honestly I said whatever and ignored it. I wasn’t going to believe anything until I heard it from you. Does it make me a bad person that I honestly didn’t care if you did or didn’t? Eventually she came to town I guess? That’s ok I had plans of my own too.

 I remember going to Palos Verdes and getting stuck in a situation where a guy had left a hickey on my neck. You seemed upset and fucked me harder than before and left more marks all over my body. I think you were trying to tell me that I was yours for that summer. I remember you picking me up one night and I snuck out and we drove to a quiet place in my neighborhood. You brought blankets and pillows and laid down the seats in the back of that suv. You laid out all the blankets and told me to hop over the seat. We just laid together. I remember you asking if I was real and how was I real? You said I was so perfect. You touched each body part as you described it. You said you didn’t believe it. One day you asked if I was wearing a bra under my shirt and I said no and you said that even your boobs sit perfectly. You just kept touching me and putting your hands all over me that night. Probably knowing it would be one of the last. You kept saying all these sweet things to me. Do you remember that pact you made with me when we were 12? That we would marry each other if both of us weren’t married when we were 30? I asked if you still remember saying that to me, you were the one who had set that plan up not me. I don’t remember your answer but I thought it was funny. 

Eventually we ended up ripping each other's clothes off and falling asleep completely naked next to each other in the back of that car. The first and only night I got to spend with you. I set an alarm to wake me up so I could be back in my house without anyone noticing. I told you I was leaving and going to walk but you insisted on driving me. I know you were so tired you just went back to that spot in my neighborhood and fell asleep. To be honest no one checked on me that day so we could’ve spent the morning together too. I remember you eventually went back home and kept in contact. You confessed some things to me and told me “I don’t want you to think I would do something like that. That’s not me. But the only reason I cheated on my girlfriend was because it was you.” You begged me to understand you were not that person. I didn’t care anyways. That was the only time you spoke to me about her. You said you both had been fighting a lot and things weren’t getting better and that before you came to California you spent a lot of time thinking about me and then when you saw me you couldn’t help yourself. I laughed at your explanation. As if you owed me one. As if I deserved one. I think I just told you “it’s ok you don’t have to explain yourself” and we left it at that. We continued to talk and FaceTime. I don’t think we expected it to go anywhere but we did enjoy each other's company. 

A couple weeks before you returned for thanksgiving you had texted me. You said you were so excited to be coming back and that you wanted to spend every day with me. You sounded so happy and excited. I wanted that too. I’ll admit I was hoping for that. I thought you were a man of his word. The day comes when you arrive here. I knew you were in town. I kept quiet but I was waiting for a phone call, a text, anything. Days keep passing. Not a word. You are posting videos of you drinking with your friend Joseph. I just didn’t understand. I understood not wanting to see me, I just didn’t understand why you would tell me you wanted to and act like it’s the one thing you’ve been dying to do. The night before you left you called me to see me. I got into your car. I was quiet. You were quiet. You drove us to the water. You picked me up and sat me on the railing. You put your body between my legs and held onto me. I don’t remember much conversation. You asked me “what are you thinking about” I just said “nothing”. How do I even begin to articulate what I was thinking? Part of me was just enjoying this embrace we shared knowing this felt like the end of something that never even started. Part of me was sad you were going home. Part of me wanted to see you again in the morning before you left. Part of me wanted to be frustrated. I loved you so much and I didn’t know how to say that I didn’t want to let this go. But I know I needed to and honestly a part of me was ok with that too. You picked me up off the railing and it started to rain. You put me in the backseat of your car and started making out with me. Shoving your tongue further and further down my throat. You hopped in the driver seat. You took the car to an abandoned alley and put the back seats down once again and laid out your blankets. You asked me to lay with you. Always listening to Pink Floyd. You wanted to do more. I couldn’t, it was my time of the month. You still didn’t care. I was just thinking where the hell will I put my tampon. We ended up making out. This felt more intense than ever. I started kissing your neck. I got on top of you. I kissed your face. Then your neck. Then your chest. Then your stomach. The lower I got the slower my kisses got. I remember you finishing in my mouth and telling me you have never finished harder in your life. I remember you dropping me off immediately after that. I felt used. I felt discarded. I still tasted you in my mouth. I immediately went to brush my teeth.

Thank god we never turned into anything. I was a shitty person then. You would’ve hated me forever. I eventually let go and turned to other people. God why does it feel like everything after you was a distraction. I ended up with shitty relationships. You ended up in a wonderful one. Days passed and I had other people to worry about. The next summer came around and I asked to see you. I can’t remember what we talked about, I'm assuming closure, I can’t remember a single thing I said to you. I remember needing to feel the relief again that I once felt when I had originally confessed my feelings to you. There I was with my stomach turning upside down and inside out. How can a single man I barely talk to do that to me? You have always made me weak. We went to dinner, but I couldn't eat. I was texting my boyfriend and you looked over and said “look at us texting our significant others'. I again, had no idea you had a girlfriend. I felt awful. I felt confused. Should I be here with you? I don’t remember much about that night except you asked to use my bathroom before you went back home. I said I had a letter for you. I know I gave it to you. But god do I feel so fucking stupid for doing that. I don’t even know what was in that letter. If you still have that please throw it away, that's so embarrassing. I don’t even know if I was coherent during that? What the fuck did I even have to say!! I can’t remember a single thing. 

You went home and texted me saying thank you for the letter and asked to go to the beach the next day. We did that. We went in the water together. Not much happened. I went back to your house for you to shower and change and then you drove me back to mine. I’ve never felt more distant from you than those moments. We felt like strangers. I think I was ok though. I remember when you also met my ex boyfriend. It was so awkward I can’t even believe that’s a real story and that actually happened. I don’t even think you guys talked, we didn’t even talk. We were all just at Taylor’s house watching vines on tv. You came as quickly as you left. I must admit my ex hates me for doing that but I couldn’t help but laugh at that situation. I again wanna die from embarrassment. Time passes and you start talking to me again. You start getting close with me again. I suspected something had happened in your relationship. I believe from what she was telling our friends that you lied to her about me. I remember thinking, is he ok? Is she ok? Are you both ok? You kept talking to me. You asked me to come visit and we can go to Portland. Of course I would’ve, I would’ve walked to you if you wanted me to. You grew close with me again. I must admit I felt satisfied. 

More time passes and it seems as if you were back with her again. I didn’t get sad, I was just happy I could help you fulfill any moment of loneliness. I think you always knew I’d be there no matter what. I couldn’t say the same for you. I’m not even sure why you wanted to see me or how we even made these plans for all 3 of us to go get boba. But that happened. I paid for all of us. I loved seeing you happy. I felt content. She was lovely too, I think despite you we actually would’ve been good friends. Somehow we made it back to your house, after that long and awkward car ride. I must say she didn’t seem thrilled to hear me speak or talk to me. I was honestly wanting and willing to put all of that shit behind me and just be both of your friends. I wanted to get along. But I understand she didn’t want me there and 3s a crowd. I can’t even imagine how she must’ve felt. I felt sad for her. I wanted to cheer her up and let her know she had nothing to worry about. She seemed hostile towards me so I just kept quiet to get through the night. We were all on your couch with more of our friends and your brother and his friends. There was a small group of people there. I kept to myself most of the time. You came over to me for a little to talk but not much about. 

Your brother and I made eye contact and he came over to talk to me. We struck up a good conversation and we shared a few smiles and laughs. I honestly thought you were so invested into your own conversations I didn’t even think you noticed the one I was having with your brother. I eventually just wanted to leave and called an Uber to go home. I told you I was headed back home and you went up to say goodbye to me. You gave me a hug and whispered in my ear “if you ever screw my brother I will never forgive you” I just looked at you like wtf. Why would I ever do that or want to? I didn’t even think about that. Why did you care even if I wanted to? You were with a lovely girl. Anyways I was on my way back home and I guess you made your way into the bedroom with your girlfriend. You kept snapchatting me asking as to where I went and to come back. I think you were drinking. While you were naked in bed with your girlfriend. You kept asking me to come back. I kept politely declining. You ended up sending me a picture of her tit??? I’ve never been more confused. I think I just laughed and went to bed. 

Again more time passes between us. Those guys at your house that night ended up trying to talk to me over Instagram, I thought it was funny. How every man in that room seemed to want me except the one I wanted. Days, weeks, months pass by. You’re in town again. Do you remember coming to YardHouse where I was having dinner with my friend? We all somehow ended up at your place once again. With every one of my friends. Every girl showed up. You were the only guy. You kept to yourself. But god I couldn’t feel more sorry for the girl you were with. Why was I the only person in that room considering her feelings? Did she know? I felt awful. I wanted to give her a hug. Did she know what you were doing when she wasn’t around? You played music and got up to dance, you made me dance with you in the living room. I couldn’t help but giggle at this. I loved dancing with you. I went home again and your lover returned. I’m not sure about the timeline here but you asked me to hang out one night and I drove over to your house. The first time I had had my own car to do so. We ended up picking up our friend that you had no idea I knew too. You asked me how I knew everyone. The answer is idk. Or we just are the same and draw to the same people. We all got along. We went back to your place. It was honestly fun. I found out that day that she had kissed you too. When I left that summer to go to Arizona you ended up making out with her. I honestly found it funny and made a joke about being Eskimo sisters and she goes woah. We didn’t go that far. She just looked at me and asked if we fucked , I stayed silent and looked at you not knowing if you wanted people to know and you jumped in eagerly to say yes. I felt like you were proud of that. I didn’t tell anyone. Not a single soul from our hometown. She looked at both of us and said we would be cute together. I was so far past thinking anything like that I just shook my head. 

Funnily enough your girlfriend called at that moment. You told us to be quiet. We both stared at each other and laughed and were whispering like wtf? I was having fun, I must say. Your girlfriend was coming in from the airport I believe and you were going to pick her up. Our friend asked why we had to be quiet? You said because she didn’t like us and especially me? I was so confused. Our friend chimes and asks why she wouldn’t like me? You had told her “just look at her. She’s beautiful.” I had never heard that come out of your mouth. Our friend had agreed. She admitted when I started going to our school she saw me in the hallways and thought I was beautiful too. I smiled. I was also sad for your girlfriend again. Were we together and you hid it from her? She had no idea? She probably still doesn’t. I felt like I was doing something wrong. Eventually our friend had to leave. She said her goodbyes and for once in many years we were alone in a room together again. 

I left shortly after. When I went to say goodbye I expected a light hug. Knowing it was wrong for us to be in the same room alone for too long. As I went in for our hug you held me for a while. You picked me up and squeezed me as tight as you could. For a long time. I remember time was standing still once again and I remembered what it was like to feel the warmth of your body and your heartbeat that sounded like my favorite familiar song. I think you pulled back and just looked at me. I felt like you wanted more but again you were hard to read. I said “see you in a few years”, making a joke knowing we didn’t really see each other often and when we did it was short. I was trying to make light of our silly little friendship. Not knowing the next time I would see you. Knowing our interactions are few and far in between. Had I known that was the last time I was going to see you for a long time I might’ve held onto that hug a little longer. 

A year or two passes by and you come back to town. I remember being just a street over from your house and you asked “hey I’m in Newport for the week if you want to hang. No worries if not I get it.” I remember seeing that text pop up on my screen and instantly my heart started beating. My eyes went wide. It was really the first time you texted me. You usually call. Were you scared to hear my voice? This felt formal. I like to hear from you. I like the idea of you thinking of me. I like you going out of your way to see me. I slept on it, because I didn’t know what I wanted to say. Once again I didn’t know if you were still with the same girl. Did she know you wanted to see me? Was there going to be a bunch of people again? Honestly all I wanted was quality time but you always brought other people around. I understand now why. Maybe it made you feel less guilty for seeing me. Maybe it was hard not to say what we were thinking. I just kept thinking. What did you want to do? Where did you want to go? Again we always missed each other in timing. I had just gotten out of a relationship and back into one. I owed it to him to give this relationship a chance. One where I didn’t feel guilty. Knowing my feelings for you never fully goes away. I just shove them so far down my body that I accept your friendship as a compromise. Being your friend was good enough. If I couldn’t have you, I wanted someone else to. 

I just wanted to be able to see you happy. So I couldn’t. Part of me thought oh we are just going to hang out for an hour with a bunch of people so why even bother. It’s not quality time. I couldn’t risk an hour with you to feel a lifetime of guilt with this new person I was with. I didn’t want to lie to him either and I certainly didn’t want to tell the truth about you either. I can’t lie. I can’t lie to people, I’m so goddamn bad at it everyone sees right through me. I contemplated it the whole night. Ultimately I told you I couldn’t and I was busy. Which I was busy. But to be honest for you I drop everything. That’s the last time we spoke. I so badly just wanted you to cave in and respond “pleasseeeeeee” but I know that’s not you. I probably would’ve caved at some point. I can’t help but to think now what we would’ve done and how that would’ve played out. I looked different. My teeth were different. My clothes, my hair, my skin, my everything. Would we still be talking now if I said yes? Would you still be in my life or would it have ultimately lead to our silence. We were always good at that. Silence. Silence is very loud, I’ve learned that now.

 To be honest if I saw you today I’m not sure if I would even want to talk. I’d probably just want to be silent and enjoy your company. But as I sit here and reflect on your life and how I got to be apart of it. It’s not even the moments where we were undressed together that I felt the most intimate with you. It’s the moments where you would take my hand and flip it open and kiss the palms of my hand. Or how you would protect me when we were walking on the side of the road. Or how clumsy I am and how I would fall and you were so quick to catch me. Or how I accidentally bled on your pants oh my god that’s still so embarrassing. Or how I can’t even think around you, I get flustered, I sound like an idiot. There’s so many things. How did I store this all in my head? Do you still smell like Fiji? I can’t even remember what your voice sounds like. I don’t even know where that one photo of us went? Did I give it to you? Did I throw it away? I donated your jackets and threw away my journals. Oh how it would be funny to reread my thoughts about you when I was 12. Do you have the Pink Floyd record or do I still have it somewhere? I remember buying it. I remember picking it out in Northern California on a street market on a Wednesday in the summer. How did I still feel this way about you after knowing all the skeletons in your closet? I know so much shit that you have done and usually that’s enough for me to be uninterested in someone. But you are somehow different. I just want more. 

Sometimes I wish I could just call you, I wish I could write you a letter. I don’t even know where you live. I don’t think I want to. I don’t write any more. This is the first thing I’ve written in 4 years. I haven’t played any of my instruments. I haven’t drawn or painted a single thing. I’m going to be honest, I haven't even listened to music since last week. Maybe I’m just too busy or maybe I just know those outlets make me feel something I didn’t want to anymore. I remember you sitting in front of my drawings I put under the window seal of my wall that first summer. You asked me “what do these mean to you?” I think you know what they meant but I responded with “nothing I just drew them.” You look frustrated. You looked like you wanted an explanation.

I’m coming to Bend soon and other parts of Oregon. Not for you but my friends that have a house there. My other friends are getting married and moving there too. I have a feeling I’ll be spending more time there. Sometimes I wish you would come back and show up at my door and just give me a hug. Sometimes I wish I received a letter or a text from you. I still live in the same place. We remodeled. It looks different and I’m in a different room. But these corners of this house haunt me with memories of you. I still sleep on the same bed and mattress we had fallen asleep on over the past decade. I didn’t realize that till last night. Sometimes I stare at my phone screen hoping a notification would pop up from you once more. Sometimes I wish you would call and leave a message, I’m asleep usually past 12. I think you would really like my life now. I don’t even think you are reading this. I don’t even think you remember what this page is. I don’t even think we would be good together right now either. I’m hoping you come back to this page. Whether it’s now or in 5 years from now when we pinky promised to marry each other when we are 30 if we are still single. Whether it’s in 10 years or even 50. 

Your friendship has brought me glorious technicolor to even the darkest days. And no matter who you are with, what you are doing and where you are. I will always, completely, utterly, and hopelessly be in love with you

[lilyevanstan1325]

🔥 Dangerous Game 🔥

Chapter 11

Amaya POV

"Shit!" I exclaim.

"I feel like my head is going to explode at any moment"

I sigh without patience.

Nat and I are viewing all the video from the Triskelion surveillance cameras plus footage from all the neighboring streets.

We have been working on it relentlessly for 15 days now and nothing new has come up.

"Keep calm snow.I'm sure we'll find something” Nat reassures me.

Her eyes, just like mine, are red and tired too.

Even if in recent days Lucas has often stopped by to give us a hand, a gesture that the Russian and I appreciated, we are equally tired and exhausted.

James, on the other hand, is a little less happy with Lucas' presence but he too accepted willingly in the end, especially because he understood that his help is really coming in handy.

"Good news!" exclaims Lucas entering the meeting room of the Avengers Tower, where Natasha and I now practically live relegated to monitors and files.

He hands me a cup of hot black coffee and does the same with Nat.

I take a sip moaning with pleasure.

Last night I only slept for four hours and now at 7:00 am I already have 2 hours of videos seen and reviewed.

An agony.

"What's going on Scott?" Natasha asks after taking a generous sip of coffee.

"I discovered something about our friends in the red balaclava" he exclaims proud of himself.

"Really?" I exclaim excitedly.

This could be the first good track in 15 days.

"Mmh mmh" Lucas nods absently as he pulls dozens of files out of his briefcase.

I observe his movements with rapture.

The hands with long and thin fingers move with dexterity and elegance.

His square jaw is relaxed, his eyes bright and red from all the sleep he's losing from this case.

Lucas puts all the files on the table and pushes them towards us with his hand.

I grab one and open it.

Jhon Evans, former military man.

I take another one.

Robert Newton, former Navy Seal Corporal.

Christopher Miller former General of the United States Army.

I look at Natasha who returns my gaze, we are both visibly confused.

"What do you think these men have in common?" Lucas asks us, he does not seem willing to reveal anything to us on the contrary it seems that he wants us to understand it by ourselves.

"Are they all ex-military?" I answer uncertain.

Lucas nods.

"They are all ex-soldiers who in the last 5 years have all been hired by the same private security company"

"I'm sorry but I still don't understand" intervenes Natasha.

“I did some research and found out it's a fictional company.A cover.These men have never worked a single day in private security in the past 5 years" Agent Scott explains.

"And?What do these men have in common and the ones you and Rumlow fought that night at the Triskelion?" I urge to continue, my leg under the table began to jerk frantically.

“They are the same men.

These, my dear ladies, are the true identities of the men with the red balaclavas”

“It can't be possible” I murmur.

I grab the files that were delivered to us from the morgue and those brought by Lucas.

I compare some photos.

These men look alike but they don't seem to be them.

Lucas sees the doubt in my eyes and answers me even before I can ask.

"If we compared the photos with any software of S.H.I.E.L.D. it would turn out that they are not the same people for one simple reason...because these men have another thing in common..."

Lucas grabs some medical file from his briefcase and throws them on the table.

“All these men have undergone minor plastic surgeries.Nose reduction, ear repositioning, mentoplasty.Small changes that would have allowed them to no longer be recognizable, would always have been theirs but if subjected to facial recognition no one would ever have been able to identify them.And strange coincidence, these surgeries were all carried out by the same surgeon, another former General of the US Army who unfortunately was found dead in unknown circumstances ten days ago"

Natasha is speechless.

“So they also changed the name to be able to become ghosts” I'm finally starting to realize.

"Exactly" exclaims Lucas.

“Oh my God Lucas!You're a genius”

I feel excited, maybe we can do it.

I turn quickly towards him throwing my arms around his neck, he returns the squeeze laughing.

A footstep catches our attention, Steve and Bucky appear on the threshold of the door and witnessed the entire scene.

James's eyes glow with fury.

Shit.

I detach myself from Lucas's arms as if nothing had happened.

Because basically nothing happened.

We are friends, good friends and we are just working together.

“Guys, we have great news.Perhaps we have found a concrete lead to follow.It was Lucas who really found it” I explain to the boys as I approach them.

Steve smiles at me and then reaches out to Nat and gives her a sweet kiss.

James continues to look at me with his clenched jaw.

His gaze makes me feel small and helpless, it makes me feel guilty even though I haven't done anything wrong.

I prefer not to push it any further so I keep talking about the latest discoveries made.

We expose it all to the boys and repeat it all when Tony and Bruce join us.

"Who is in charge of this private security company?" Steve asks, voicing the question that each of us is asked.

“His name is Richard Masen.Born and raised in California.But he has only one problem...he died in 1953" Lucas sighs.

"Identity theft.Typical” grumbles Bucky.

"Exactly" Agent Scott echoes as he continues.

“I did every possible search and found nothing, no links.Richard was a simple farmer.No heir, his closest relative is a distant cousin of his mother who lives in Europe"

"We are at a standstill" I exhale wearily pinching the base of my nose between my fingers.

I feel like an epic headache is about to explode in my head.

"Nothing is lost" Tony encourages us.

"We have more information than we had yesterday and I'm sure there is something in those videos, a detail, that escapes us.Let's get back to work, come on guys”

So let's all start working together again.

"Shit!" Tony suddenly exclaims.

"What happens?" Steve asks him.

“Oh nothing.The paper ran out in the printer just as I was about to print the last file"

Tony is about to get up but I stop him with a wave of my hand.

"I'm going to the warehouse" I immediately volunteer.

"Are you sure kid?" Tony asks.

"Yes, I need to stretch my legs and have another coffee" I answer, turning my gaze just to see James who is intent on checking files with Steve.

I go away puffing imperceptibly.

He's been ignoring me for hours now.

Stupid idiot.

I head to the kitchen and after retrieving another cup of coffee I go to the room used as a warehouse.

I enter and turn on the light.

The closet is small and full of shelves where hundreds of stationery items are displayed.

With my eyes I look for reams of paper and after a few moments I find them.

I approach the shelf and placing my coffee on the nearby shelf I rise on tiptoe raising my arms to grab a stack but suddenly the light goes out.

I swear mentally thinking that the light bulb has gone out when suddenly I feel a hand pressing hard on my mouth.

The sheets slip from my hands and spread all over the floor.

"Don't scream" whispers a warm voice in my ear.

I relax immediately when I realize whose cold fingers are resting on my lips.

Fingers in Vibranium.

I get away from his grasp in a bad way.

"What do you want?" I spit angrily looking for the light switch along the wall.

“I came to help my girlfriend” he says simply.

As if everything was okay, as if he hadn't spent the last three hours ignoring me.

Finally I find the switch and turn the light back on.

"Oh really?Am I your girlfriend now?" I answer sarcastically.

Bucky approaches me, our chest almost touch.

"Oh c'mon...don't do that" he bends down to kiss me but I escape his touch.

“No Bucky, that's not how it works!I want to be treated with respect!The fact that I allow you to tell me or do certain things to me in our intimacy does not authorize you to treat me like a whore in our relationship.You can't pick up and fuck me when you feel like it.You can't pretend for hours that I don't exist and then expect me to fall at your feet just for your stupid whim” I spit the words out in anger, he looks at me as if he doesn't understand what I'm talking about.

He stands in front of me again raising his hand and placing it on my face.

"I'm sorry doll.I'm an idiot.Forgive me”

I remain staring at him with my arms crossed in front of my chest, my sharp gaze fixed and emotionless planted in his gaze.

He raises his arms to the sky.

“Ok I was a jerk.Is that okay?" he tells me letting his arms fall along his body.

"James..." I sigh but he cuts me off immediately.

"I'm jealous.I feel devoured by jealousy knowing that you are close to that man"

James can't hold my gaze and turns his towards the door.

"I'm afraid that sooner or later you will realize that you have chosen the wrong man.He is perfect.Flawless.An agent and a model man with his stupid briefcase and his stupid tie.With that stupid face of him”

His words are full of anger.

"I hate to see him buzzing around you, always ready to touch you at any opportunity"

I smile amused raising an eyebrow.

"What do you find funny?" he asks me in an offended tone.

“Lucas never even touched me with a finger.Earlier I was the one who hugged him, I was excited about the new findings on the case and I let myself go.But I assure you that there was nothing romantic about my gesture"

I grab his hands and put them on my hips, mine are fastened behind his neck.

His gaze is still unsure.

“Lucas and I are just good friends.I had my chance to get him but I chose you.I will always choose you"

"He is in love with you.I see it.I get it from the way he looks at you”

His words are just a soft whisper.

"But I love you James"

His gaze softens and I take the opportunity to kiss him.

A sweet kiss.

"How about you drop everything tonight and I take you out to dinner?" Bucky asks me suddenly with enthusiasm and a pinch of hope.

“James…it doesn't seem like the right moment…”

“My little robin you has been ignoring me for more than a week.In the evening you come to my bed at unrealistic times and turn your back on me.You don't let me touch you anymore…and I'm not talking about sex.Neither a kiss nor a caress.I feel like you are slipping through my fingers…” he murmurs on my lips.

"I'm sorry.My head is in the air…too many agents have died, too many innocents.We must hurry to find a solution otherwise there will be more victims.I will have other innocents on my conscience..."

"Amaya if you continue at this rate you will go crazy.You have to stop.Nobody will tell you anything.And I'm not saying that because I want to have sex with you!I say this because I want to see you peaceful.I want to see you smile again”

“I'm so stressed out” I whimper bringing my hands to my face rubbing my eyes hard.

“I know doll, I know.For this you need a few hours of leisure.We are all in the same situation but we try to move forward by finding a foothold in the little things.You know Steve and Nat spend a few hours on the terrace every night, hugging each other enjoying the view.Tony and Pepper watch a different movie every night, snuggled on the sofa.Each of them seeks comfort in their partner so as not to go crazy...Amaya, you are the only one who is pushing the limits...you behave as if everything depended on you.You do not have to carry all the weight on your shoulders, we are a team and in a team we help each other.Let someone else take care of it for a few hours”

I sigh wearily.

After all, Bucky is right.

"What do you think?You all dolled up for me and I take you out for a diner, for a dance.Just a little time for us.Agreed?"

Bucky's sweet voice prompts me to accept.

"I'm in" I reply smiling at him.

"I'm sure it will do me good to switch off my brain a little" I add.

Bucky walks up to me again, his arms closing around my waist.

I rest my hands on the back of his neck playing with his hair.

He reaches down and kisses me, his tongue enters my mouth massaging mine.

A sweet, sensual kiss.

Bucky's Vibranium hand grabs the flesh of my hip while the other grazes my belly and then slips inside my pants.

I just flinch as his fingers brush my pussy through the fabric of my panties.

"What are you doing?" I moan on his lips.

Bucky pushes his lips away from mine and rests his forehead on mine.

“I help you to relax.Believe me you'll feel better later”

His voice is low, hoarse.

I close my eyes and surrender to his touch.

His fingers continue to massage my clit through the thin fabric then he takes his hand out of my pants and a moment later he slips it back between my legs but this time inside my panties.

He presses his big palm against my clit and I, prey to a primal instinct, begin to move my hips rubbing my sex against his hand.

He stands still and lets me give myself pleasure.

He is letting me choose what I want.

I keep moving and the gentle friction of my pulsating clit on his rough, callused palm makes me roll my eyes.

We are still front to front.

I begin to gasp against his mouth.

I feel so free right now.

It seems that every thought has disappeared from my head.

My beautiful Sergeant was right, I feel much better.

My hands are still on his neck and I pull him more towards me.

Panting I whisper on his lips "Sir please...use your fingers"

Bucky's mouth crashes into mine claiming a kiss of pure lust, all teeth and tongues.

Continuing to keep his palm still, he sticks two fingers inside me.

I grab his wrist and push his hand.

"Push deeper" I order and he obeys.

His fingers push to the bottom moving with decision.

My legs are shaking but Bucky's Vibranium arm holds me up and keeps me straight.

I feel a fire starting from the center of my body and radiating along my whole being.

We moan mouth to mouth regardless that anyone joining us can hear us.

I close my eyes and throwing my head back I cum murmuring his name.

Bucky removes his hand from my pants and brings it to his lips, licks his palm while his eyes remain chained to mine.

His beautiful sky-blue eyes now look almost black, darkened by the passion that devours them.

I grab his wrist again and lick at the same time he does, our tongues meet on the skin of his palm.

Then I slip my hand into my panties and after wetting my finger in my sweet moisture I bring it to his lips that he opens pliable.

I feel his tongue curl around my finger and suck.

We both moan in ecstasy.

“I love you James.I'm sorry I neglected you” I whisper after taking my finger out of his mouth.

His eyes are burning, flames of pure greed dance within them.

“Don't think about it anymore my little robin.I love you and I just want your serenity”

Bucky's arms close around my body, rocking me in a hug that makes me feel safe.

It makes me feel protected.

"My coffee will be cold by now" I mutter on his chest.

I hear his laughter vibrate in my ear.

"It's better that way.You've been drinking too much coffee lately” he lovingly scolds me.

"That's not true" I protest, looking into his eyes.

Bucky raises an eyebrow skeptically.

“Don't make that face!This was just the second coffee"

"Amaya...are you kidding me?"

“Ok ok!It was the third" I reply but his eyebrows now both rise upwards.

“Ok!Was it the fifth, you are happy now?"

I walk away from him huffing and starting to pick up the papers from the floor.

Bucky bends to his knees to help me.

Once finished we join the others in the meeting room.

"Good time Snow!Were you lost?" Tony tells me in an amused tone.

I know where he wants to go.

"Tony shut up" I answer passing him by and giving him a playful shoulder.

Lucas's eyes stop in mine for a moment but they have the power to make me embarrassed.

He knows why I wasted my time, he understood it.

“Leave them alone Tony!They are lovebirds and it is normal for them to jump on each other every moment" says Sam with a wink at Stark.

Bucky rolls his eyes.

"Oh that's fine with me...as long as you clean up after that" Tony retorts with a shrug.

We all burst out laughing.

Except for Lucas, his eyes remain glued to some papers he holds in his hand.

"You're disgusting Stark" Natasha replies, who then winks at me.

"Ok now it's enough" I raise my voice to make me hear between laughter.

Bucky walks past me and slaps my ass.

"Let them have fun doll" he whispers in my ear.

And I turn red from head to toe.

"Idiot" I murmur under my breath rolling my eyes.

As lunchtime arrives, the room begins to empty.

It's just me, Nat and Lucas left.

I approach my best friend.

"Hey Nat, is it a problem for you if I go away for a couple of hours tonight?I know we're overworked but…”

She cuts me off right away.

"Honey, there's no problem.If you hadn't asked me tonight I would have told you about it.I see you too tired, stressed out.You need a break”

I sigh at my friend's words.

"That's the same thing Bucky told me" I admit.

"So night of pure and wild sex?" winks Nat in my direction.

Lucas's head turns towards us and when he realizes that I'm watching him, he brings his attention back to the videos he was watching but by listening, I can understand it from the stiffness in his posture.

“Bucky wants to take me out to dinner.A nice thing.Romantic I suppose”

I shrug because I actually don't know what awaits me for the evening.

“And rough sex at the end of the night” laughs Nat.

I laugh with her.

"Obviously" I reply with a wink.

We laugh again.

Lucas' voice puts an end to our laughter.

"I have to go.I will keep you informed in case of news.Bye”

He doesn't even wait for our answer, he turns his heel and leaves.

"Ouch...he didn't take it so well" chuckles Natasha.

“I'm sorry but he knows very well we're just friends”

“Really Snow?You will be his friend but he is in love with you” my friend points out.

"I know" I sigh.

"Come on forget about it!Go get ready and make yourself beautiful for your evening, I'll finish here" Nat tells me pushing me towards the door.

"Are you sure?" I ask her.

As happy as I am to spend some time alone with Bucky, I feel guilty about leaving my position.

"For the love of heaven Amaya!Go!"

I roll my eyes as I walk to my room.

"Yes ma'am" I answer her.

I feel thrilled and excited about the evening that awaits me more than I want to admit.

Bucky POV

"Is it alright pal?" Steve asks me, distracting me from my thoughts.

"Sure" I reply as I resume hitting the punching bag rhythmically.

After Amaya and I returned to the meeting room where everyone else was, we got back to work.

She continued to smile at me all the time, every time our eyes met a very sweet smile was painted on her lips.

My little robin is really beautiful.

And I'm not the only one who thinks it.

I have often bitten Scott to stare at my girlfriend for too long and it freaks me out.

I believe her when she tells me they're just friends.

My problem is that he doesn't see her as a friend, he is still in love with her.

We are now in the training room because Steve asked me if I wanted to keep him company.

I hit the sack violently imagining it's Scott's stupid face.

"Take it easy Buck" reminds me Steve.

"I'm fine.I just need to let off steam.I punch the sack and save his face, a great compromise” I gasp as I punch another volley at the poor sack which dangles dangerously as if it wanted to detach itself from the ceiling.

“You have no reason to be jealous.You know Amaya is crazy about you” Steve points out as he wipes his sweat.

I stop and grab the bag with both hands to stop his swinging motion.

“I know but it's not easy.How would you react if Nat worked closely with a man in love with her?" I gasp as I try to catch my breath.

"I would trust her"

I laugh at his response.

“That's why between the two of us you have always been the best.You are wise.I'm the wild one”

I chuckle as Steve rolls his eyes.

Then he approaches me handing me a towel and a bottle of water.

"Thanks dude" I smile at him.

I wipe the sweat from my face and after placing the towel on one shoulder I drink the water in a single sip.

"So where are you taking her tonight?" my best friend asks me curiously.

"Nothing special...I reserved a table at The River Cafe" I reply pretending indifferent.

"What?Nothing special?Buddy that's one of the most romantic and most expensive restaurants in New York” laughs Steve giving me a push.

"I know, I know.I just want it to be special.I want that she feel special for one night.That she understands that I love her.That I really love her” I murmur.

"Do you want to ask her to marry you?" Steve's eyes seem to want to get out of their sockets.

I choke on my own saliva at Steve's question.

I cough convulsively as I try to speak.

"What?No, no, no.I love her but I want to take things calmly. A step at a time" I reply.

"You rather" I tease him “When are you going to propose to Natasha?You have been together for 4 years now.Don't you think the time has come?"

I see him blush and look away from me.

“Oh man!You already did it?" I ask him incredulously that he hasn't said anything to me.

"No I did not.And do you think I would do it without first talking about it with you?" Steve replies pretending to be offended.

We giggle together.

"To tell the truth I have been thinking about it for a few days but first I want this case of the stolen Vibranium to be solved" he explains to me.

"Yes, I also think it is better to wait.This whole thing is already giving us too many worries”

Steve and I chat for a few more minutes then decide by mutual agreement to eat something together.

We head to the kitchen and as we walk down the long corridor Agent Scott comes to meet us.

"Hey Lucas where are you going?" Steve asks politely.

“I'm going away, I have some work to do”

Thank God he will finally get out of the way for today.

Maybe God doesn't hate me that much.

“Why don't you grab a sandwich with us?You too have been awake since before dawn and you will surely be hungry"

I am caught off guard by Steve's words.

Maybe God doesn't hate me but I'm starting to think that the one who hates me is my best friend.

Steve and his stupid kindness.

Fuck!

I just hope Agent Blondie has the good sense to refuse.

And as if he could read my thoughts Lucas' eyes stop in mine and with a big smile printed on that stupid face of him he exclaims “Sure, I'm hungry.Thank you”

I curse myself mentally and pretending to smile I walk towards the kitchen followed by the two blondes chatting behind me.

Damn Steve, he's paying for this.

Once in the kitchen Steve grabs everything he needs to make turkey sandwiches.

For a few minutes silence reigns.

Then an idea leaps into my head.

Let's play "pissing off Lucas".

I will have fun for sure.

“Hey Steve, can't you lend me your burgundy jacket tonight?You know dress code is required at The River Cafe”

Steve approaches the table with three sandwiches on his plate, hands us one each and sits next to me.

Lucas is on the other side of the table, right in front of me.

His eyes are scrutinizing me carefully.

"Of course.Oh and I'll also lend you the tie of the same color.You'll make a great impression!"

“Wow The River Cafe” Lucas interjects.

“Great place.A luxury venue.I didn't think you could afford it”

Lucas throws it there as if nothing had happened.

Steve's eyes immediately move to me, they are wide open and full of panic.

He surely fears in my violent reaction.

But it won't happen.

I imagined such a comment from him and I already have the answer ready for him.

“Don't worry man.I can afford more things than you think.

For example, I can afford to be with Amaya.Do you know her?Gorgeous, red hair?The same one you can't take your eyes off”

The jaw of the blond in front of me tightens, his eyes thin.

“Don't sing victory Barnes.She could always change her mind…” he is teasing me.

He wants me to lose my temper and then pose with Amaya as a poor boy who was attacked by the monster.

I smile at his words.

"Don’t hold your breath while waiting blond" I reply chewing a bite of my sandwich.

He seems to want to argue but something is holding him back.

What a shame.

I would have loved to have hit that perfect little face.

Steve looks back and forth between me and Agent Scott.

He seems ready to divide us.

But Lucas, much to my chagrin, gets up and leaves not before saying goodbye to Steve and ignoring me.

"For a moment I was afraid he would hit you" Steve smiles amusedly.

I smile slyly, shrugging my shoulders.

"I don't deny you that for a moment I wanted it.Having a pretext to punch him would save me unnecessary arguments with Amaya”

Steve shakes his head dejectedly as he finishes eating his sandwich.

"Ok I'm going to take a shower and get ready" I announce.

“Ok brother.Then you come for the jacket”

I go to my room and start getting ready.

I feel as excited as a fucking girl on her first date.

I know that's not the case with us, but it's still the first time I've taken Amaya out for dinner.

I want everything to be perfect, I want her to feel like a queen tonight.

When I get out of the shower, I position myself in front of the bathroom mirror and run a hand over the misted glass due to the humidity created by the hot water.

I look at myself for a moment passing my hand through my beard, I would like to cut it to have a more sophisticated look for this evening but I will not do it because I know how much my doll likes it.

I dry and fix my hair and beard and then go back to my room to get dressed.

I wear a pair of elegant black trousers and a shirt which is also black, I spray a little perfume and after wearing a pair of black and shiny Dior derby shoes, I go to Steve's room.

I knock on the door and Nat comes to open and greets me with a whistle of appreciation.

“Wow Buck!You are stunning man"

I blush embarrassed, I did not expect such a welcome.

Nat grabs my hand and pulls me inside laughing.

"Hey man!" Steve greets me handing me the tie and then the jacket.

I finish preparing myself under the watchful eye of my friends.

"So?What do you think?" I ask taking a ride on myself.

"Great!" Nat exclaims, clapping her hands like a child.

Steve raises his thumbs upwards smiling.

"Good.I'm going” I sigh.

I suddenly feel nervous.

I walk towards Amaya's room.

I take a deep breath and with a trembling hand I knock on her door.

When she opens the door my jaw almost touches the floor.

I've never seen anything beautiful in my life.

Amaya wears a very simple little black dress with a red belt at the waist, and at her feet she wears dizzying heels that bring to mind only unchaste thoughts.

On her face only a touch of make-up and her inevitable crimson red lipstick.

Her hair is pulled back into a high ponytail.

This woman knows exactly how to make me lose my mind.

"What do you think?" she asks me making a turn on herself.

"You're perfect as always" I answer her grabbing her hips and leaving a kiss on her neck.

I don't want to ruin her lipstick.

Not yet at least.

"And sexy to take the breath away" I add with a wink.

She laughs just bending her head to the side of her, her wonderful green eyes like absinthe stare at me full of love.

"Let's go or we'll be late"

I grab her hand and drag her with me.

Amaya smiles in amusement.

"Where are you taking me?I'm curious” she chirps with sweet eyes.

Little temptress.

"Is a surprise.Trust me”

We leave the tower holding hands and with a small nod I stop a taxi.

I make my little robin sit in and after closing the door I go to the driver's window indicating the address and explaining that it was a surprise for my girlfriend.

We walk the streets of New York in pleasant silence.

Amaya's head rests on my chest as her gaze takes in the skyline.

I kiss her head breathing deeply the wonderful scent of her and I find myself overwhelmed by my own thoughts.

When I was living in the 40s and I was just James Barnes I just dreamed of coming back from the war, marrying a good girl and maybe getting a job in a factory.

I would have led a normal life.

Ordinary.

But then Hydra broke my dreams.

Hydra destroyed my life.

But ever since that day on the Helicarrier, when I rescued Steve from the Potomac, I began to realize the direction my life had taken and from that moment I have always felt a kind of emptiness.

A void that is difficult to explain.

I had lost everything.

My mother, my sisters, my brother.

Steve.

I had missed the opportunity to live my life.

Now I was just a danger, a monster that had to be hunted and killed.

For years I have thought that perhaps the easiest solution, the most obvious one, was death.

What life prospects did I have?

I was dangerous, the monster inside me could have jumped out at any moment.

I could have hurt other innocent people.

But then Steve came along.

A smile escapes my lips.

He always believed in me.

For him I will always be worth.

After Wakanda I started to hope again.

The Winter Soldier no longer existed.

I had my best friend again and had met others.

Natasha, Sam, Tony, Sharon...

I said to myself "Let's try it" and I tried.

I tried to integrate into the world, a world not mine.

Stranger.

A world that had evolved in my absence, a world that had moved on without me.

I tried to love, to have a woman by my side as I had always dreamed of.

I really thought it worked.

But at night, when the world slept, that little emptiness reappeared and grew bigger and bigger.

Everyday more.

And in that emptiness, between the screams and the pain, I saw all the people I had hurt when I was him.

The monster.

I didn't remember the names but I remembered every single face.

I remembered the fear in their eyes, those silent pleas.

How many fathers, mothers, sons and daughters, friends have I snatched from life?

Many.

Too many.

And in the end the void had become a chasm capable only of sucking into it what little hope I had allowed myself to feel.

Until she arrived…Amaya.

I smile and watch her as she is lost in her thoughts, the city lights reflecting in her green eyes.

Those eyes that have captivated me from the first moment, it took just a glance of her to understand how screwed I was now.

Gone.

Gone for that wonderful woman with sinful red hair and tempting beautiful lips.

Amaya feels my gaze on her and lifts her face to mine.

"Why are you smiling Sergeant?" she whispers to me, caressing my chest.

I smile even more.

"I'm happy"

I kiss her.

"I am happy and I love you" I repeat to her holding her tighter to me.

Her head comes back to my chest.

"I'm happy too and I love you too" I hear her murmur on the skin of my neck.

The taxi begins to slow down.

We are almost there.

I feel excited and scared at the same time.

I hope she likes this place.

The taxi stops in front of the restaurant entrance, I pay the ride and get off.

I open the door to Amaya and hold out my hand to help her.

She clings to my arm and gazes at the place in ecstasy.

I drink from the wonder that oozes from her eyes.

"Do you like here?" I ask her, a little agitated.

She doesn't speak, she clings to my arm with all the strength she has.

Her small hands, delicate but capable of killing, convulsively grip the fabric of my jacket.

I watch her as her gaze is lost in front of her.

This is one of the many reasons why I love her.

She too has her past, difficult and sad.

Her hands are dripping blood like mine.

Basically we are only two lonely and desperate souls that found each other.

Two souls who seek only to give each other comfort and love.

"James..." my name a whisper on her lips.

"Tell me my little robin" I urge her to speak.

She seems to have lost the capacity.

"This place…this place is great.Magnificent.But also too expensive.You shouldn't have”

In her eyes I can see some guilt.

“Hey don't think about it.This evening is for you.I want it to be perfect!Do not think about anything.Just relax” I tell her, kissing her temple.

She pulls away from my arm and turns completely to me.

She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me softly.

I reply to the kiss while my arms close around her waist by tightening her as much as possible against my body.

"I love you"

"I love you too doll"

We remain embraced some more moment then I grab her hand.

"Let's go" I tell her.

And together we enter.

The evening proceeds pleasantly, the food is superb and Amaya is a great company.

Let's spend time chatting with a breathtaking view to make us backdrop.

I tell to Amaya my childhood, of how to live in the 40s.

She talks to me about her childhood, tells me about his life and of what her dreams were.

Of how she had spent the last years looking for his parents' killer.

For the first time she talks to me about them.

"They were killed on August 20th.On my birthday" she tells me.

I am astonished in silence.

"Do you know?Every year, in that particular day, I make a madness" she smiles without joy.

"As if with a madness I could exorcise the pain.That pain always present but unbearable on that particular day" she murmurs.

"A few years ago I swam naked in the Hudson and I risked the assumption.A year I got drunk until I lose the senses.Last year I did something I had never done.I decided to have sex with a stranger"

She smiles in a clever manner by beating his long eyelashes sensually.

I am increasingly coated.

"Really?" I ask her.

"Oh yes!And you don't imagine my surprise when I saw you in that pub" she says.

She has a strange look in her eyes, as if she hids me something.

"You just don't remember me, right?" she suddenly asks me after a few moments of silence.

I look confused at her.

"What do you mean?"

Her sweet laugh resonates in my ears.

"We had already known each other.I doubt you can remember by the way" she says.

I think carefully about her words but I just can't understand what she's talking about.

I try to strive but I think I would remember her if I had already met her somewhere.

"A few years ago" she starts telling "Hydra gave you a task.Kill the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. but for your misfortune on the day you attacked him I was at his side"

She stops and grabs her glass of wine for a sip.

Her eyes don't even come off for a moment from mine.

"And...oh man I kick your ass that day, so bad!" she laughs amused.

But I can't laugh.

I feel panic assail me.

"I hurt you?" I murmurs in a trembling voice.

My hands close into fist under the table.

"Oh yeah...a lot!You fractured me the arm in three points, two ribs cracked, jaw displaced, you cut me a nerve of the thigh with a stab and I brought a cranial trauma.But hey!Don't do that face because you didn't go better"

I barely smile.

She continues with her story.

"I cut you your metal arm"

"You what?" I sweep away.

"You understood well!Fighting we ended up a window of a DIY store.You greeted me on the window and you were thrown up on me, I managed to beat your head against the wall and you fell to the ground stunned.Next to me there was an ax and so, without thinking twice, I grabbed it and I cut your arm.Just in the elbow's hollow.I took advantage of that moment to escape.You are the only goal I have ever failed.Before you no one had ever came out alive of a fight with me"

I looked at her.

I am absolutely speechless.

I don't remember anything about this.

"What do you think?Are you under shock?" she asks me laughing in a amused way.

How can I tell her?

How can I tell her that right now a thought is invading my head?

"Ok this will seem strange to you but...I'm horny right now" I admit.

The thought of her fighting me without a rememing, wildly, sends me out of my mind.

Imagine her covered with blood and dust, while she is indomitable make boil the blood in the veins.

Amaya throws her head back laughing heartly.

"Are you serious?" she asks between a laugh and another.

"Absolutely doll.Think about you fierce while fights is a somewhat exciting thing"

We laugh together and then return serious.

"I knew thet approached you that night would be a mistake" admits Amaya toying with a piece of bread.

"But I'll do it back.You were my most beautiful mistake"

"You too are my most beautiful mistake" I reply by grabbing her hand and holding it to my lips.

"What do you say if we go?Nearby there is a very nice bar.Let's go for a drink" I invite her.

She for her answering nods and after paying the bill we head to the bar.

We enjoy the hot air of this late July evening.

I pull the jacket and the tie and roll up the sleeves of the shirt.

Amaya stops and putting herself in front of me she unbutton the first two buttons of my shirt and her hands disorder a little my hair.

"So it's better.I prefer you more wild" she laughs and gives me a kiss.

Arriving at the bar we take up at the counter and order two beers.

We continue to chat, exchanging kiss and caresses all the times.

"I have to go to the bathroom.Excuse me" Amaya tells me kissing my lips and getting up from her place.

I look at her as she walks away from me, her hips swaying provocative to every step.

First go to the door that will take her to the bathroom she turns to me, she wink and disappears.

I lick my lips and after drinking another sip of beer I get up and follow her.

It's like a dejavu.

I enter the bathroom where silence reigns.

I don't even have time to look around me as a small hand grabs my shirt and drags me into the first cubicle.

Amaya's tongue immediately takes hold of my mouth.

She kisses me with fury, with passion.

Her hands immediately go to look for the buttons on my shirt.

"Ma'am please stop" I murmur, smiling on her lips.

“My girlfriend is waiting for me over there”

Amaya laughs amused and she kisses me again.

When her hands finish with my shirt she moves to my pants, she pulls them down with the boxers to mid-thigh, and then kneels at my feet.

I grab her face with my hands and with my thumbs I caress her lips.

"I love you" I whisper to her looking into her eyes.

She doesn't answer me, she grabs my erection in her hands and without ever taking her gaze from mine he brings it to her lips.

Her perfect pink tongue ends in her lips and she goes to lick the red tip of my cock, just teasing it.

Then her red, warm lips wrap around it.

I grab her head harder than and I guide her.

I fuck her mouth, moaning softly.

I move back and forth hard, I can feel myself hitting her throat.

But my little robin knows what to do and she tilts her head back to welcome me as much as she can.

She lets me do it and when I cum she eagerly drinks every drop of me.

Licking my entire length over and over again, sucking my balls making obscene sounds.

She lifts herself up kissing me while her hand starts to masturbate me, my erection begins to grow again.

I turn her back and lift her dress over her hips.

"Does it remind you of something robin?"

Amaya nods panting in anticipation.

I kneel behind her

and take off her panties I put them in my pocket.

I run a finger all the way down her slit, she's already soggy.

“Oh doll…I haven't even touched you yet and you're already all wet for me.You're so ready” I whisper on her skin that is covered with chills.

"I'm always ready for you" she gasps.

I pass a finger again and then leave her an almost impalpable kiss.

My hands rest on her ass, spreading it out, to get a better view of her beautiful pussy.

I lick her and her legs tremble.

I lick her again but this time I insert a finger into her warm flesh.

I feel it tighten around my finger, milking it.

I lift myself up and grabbing my throbbing erection, I guide its inside her body.

We both moan.

I grab her hips and squeeze hard, I want my fingerprints to stay on her body for days.

I begin to push hard by grabbing her leg.

I place my arm in the hollow of her knee, lifting her leg.

Her arm tightens around my neck while she holds herself against the wall with the other hand so as not to lose her balance.

My Vibranium arm tightens around her waist and my hand lowers until it reaches her clit.

I massage it following the pace of my thrusts.

Amaya's head tilts back, resting on my shoulder.

I turn my face in search of her lips and when I find them I bite its and then suck her lower lip.

"I love you" she moans on my lips.

"I love you" she repeats as the orgasm overwhelms her.

I keep pushing in her until I cum too overwhelmed by an orgasm that seems to shake up my soul.

I rest my forehead against her.

"I love you too doll"

We try to get dressed quickly before anyone can find us.

"James, I need my panties" Amaya tells me as I step out of the cramped cubicle to rinse my hands.

I pretend not to hear her.

"James!" she calls me back.

"Do you want to give me my panties back?"

"No, I don't think I will"

I laugh amused at her expression.

"Are you serious?And should I be without panties all evening?"

"I think so but do not worry...we are going home now and once there you will certainly not need it" I reply sensually as I wave her underwear in front of her face.

She looks at me with a mischievous smile on her lips.

She approaches and fiddling with the collar of my shirt she whispers "Aren't you done with me yet?"

"Oh doll...we are only at the beginning.For tonight you will be mine and only mine”

I kiss her with passion, our tongues dance together sensually.

We are interrupted by two girls who come in giggling, look at us and after exchanging a look they giggle again.

I think they have a perfect understanding of what just happened between me and Amaya.

We go back to the bar and pay for the beers, not before arguing with Amaya about who to offer.

In less than twenty minutes we are home.

We head towards the lift and once inside I grab her by the thighs and lift her, making her legs wrap around me.

I press her against the walls of the elevator and kiss her passionately, stroking her thighs left uncovered by her dress.

“James stop!You know there are cameras" laughs Amaya amused.

"I don't want to let Tony see us while we have sex"

"Why not?" I tease her.

She punches me in the chest.

“Stop it perverted” she laughs heartily.

"Ok" I give up and put her back down on her feet.

Once the elevator doors open, Amaya grabs me by the hand and takes me to her room.

The tower is dark and silent.

The only sound comes from my girlfriend's heels tapping rhythmically on the white marble floor.

As soon as I enter her room I take possession of her lips again.

"Are you ready?Because I will not stop until you are begging me to do so"

I take her in my arms and carry her to the bed, I lay her down on it and admire her in all the splendor of her while she eagerly waits for me to make her mine over and over again.

Her hair is scattered on the white sheets, the contrast between the red of her hair and the white of the sheets is hypnotic.

Her clear eyes seem to illuminate the entire firmament.

She is so beautiful that it hurts.

And I love her, I love her with every fiber of my being.

I feel my heart tighten to this sweet feeling of mine.

I feel happy.

I am happy.

I'm finally happy.

I look at her intensely and suddenly I remember.

"I have something for you doll.

Wait here, I'll be right back"

I bend down to give her a kiss and then I head to my room.

I hope she likes my surprise.

Please comment, share and rate ❤️

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@deansapplepie

[byoungernj]

Berlin Marathon 2023

Oh baby was this trip a lot of traveling and not a lot of seeing. From my first flight, as noted in my last post, this trip was not meant to be. It started with a 3 hour delay on my layover in Denver. Once at the airport, I found out I had typed my name into my itinerary wrong so it did not match my passport. An error I had to work through four separate times. Then we reached out gate to find out our seats are not the ones we paid extra for. I didn’t sleep a minute on the overnight flight. We arrived in Dublin with only 90 minutes until our next flight took off. If you have never traveled to Europe before, once you arrive you have to get your checked luggage and then make your way through immigration, bag check, security, the whole thing. On paper, Dublin looked like a small two terminal airport. First it took us almost an hour to get our bags. Then we were sent up and down and back up to find the walk way to the other terminal where our next flight would leave out of. Side note, in Europe apparently there is floors 0, 1, 2 etc… so when we were directed to floor 1 and went to the bottom floor, we were stared at in confusion why we did not understand where floor 1 actually was. By the time we walked (because there is no other way, as we were told) to the ticketing counter, our flight was set to leave in 5 minutes. When was the next flight? 10 hours later. I was so exhausted and irritated at this point I feared that if we set out to see Ireland something else would happen and we’d miss the new connecting flight. After many hours attempting to fall asleep to no success we boarded and landed in Berlin. The train would take an hour and it was now midnight. I sucked it up and got an Uber. (If you know me, you know I am not an Uber/Lyft person) We finally got to our hotel. I was emailed instructions to input a code next to the door and a key would be available. But was it? You bet it wasn’t. I googled how to call a European number from an American phone after multiple failed attempts. Within five minutes a lovely gentlemen let us in and provided me with my key. After almost exactly 24 hours of travel and being awake for 32 hours, we went to sleep. And you bet you a3s I did not set an alarm. Which ended up being both bad and good because we caught up on our sleep, but we slept until 2:30 in the afternoon the following day. Thanks to terrible travel plans, we lost a day and a half in Berlin. 

Now that I’m done throwing a pity party I won’t go into more detail but in short

we attempted to find a bus tour for over an hour to find out that they were not running due to the marathon route closing streets

we got on said bus tour two days later and it was nothing special

we did think to purchase tour tickets ahead of time so we saw zero things we had hoped to see

another ticket hiccup, the train was now double the price to get to Munich and we didn’t end up saving anything by not flying out of Munich

we had planned to see one or two more things in Berlin our last night but the train back from Munich took over an hour more and dumped us out at the farthest train station from our hotel

the hotel ordering our taxi a half hour early and the driver refusing to leave because his fair had been running the morning we were departing

the cherry on top was just after I called my dad to tell him where to pick us up, I reached into my backpack only for the shot glass I bought him to fall and shatter

Ugh okay. Enough wallowing. This is meant to be a race recap. The moral of the story - plan plan plan before you travel to Europe or you’ll go all the way there and not see anything like dummy me. So, the race. Talk about the brightest shining moment of this whole trip. (I wrote a quick training recap in my last post if interested) I snuck in my tune up workout back on my hs track between gym classes before we departed NJ. I clipped off a bit faster than goal MP but felt good and in a rhythm. Luckily I had an off day planned for our never ending day of travel. Once we finally woke up on Friday I headed out for a short run along the Spree. I went through the neighborhood our hotel was in and passed this adorable Jungle Book themed playground. The trail was this wonderful dirt path that went through a park. I was tired and moving however fast my legs let me. It felt good to move and stretch afterwards. We headed to the expo in the late afternoon. Talk about the coolest venue, Berlin’s expo takes place at the Tempelhof airport which was used after WW2 by the US to deliver goods when Berlin was split by the wall. The parts of the expo were outside and it backed up to a park where there were people running, skating, and riding bikes. Inside was your typical assortment of vendors. We finally shared our first meal in Berlin at the multiple food trucks that had there. The next day I had a quick 20 minute run back on the Spree followed by a few strides. I smile now reflecting that I didn’t want the run to be so short. I wanted to keep running. I had enjoyed this build so much that I didn’t want it to end. The legs felt about the same, I was physically a bit more tired but ready for tomorrow.

I slept for a bit the night before after struggling to sleep the prior night due to jet lag. Waking up the morning of the race wasn’t too bad. With a 9:15a start time, I only needed to wake up at 6 to eat. I hoped on the subway to head down a few stops. I laughed at the reaction of the local young girls on the subway as a swarm of short shorts wearing, bright colored, awkward runner types all got on the subway at the same time. I followed the crowd off and towards the start. It was a bit of a walk but the weather was perfect and I saw the only corgi witnessed on this trip. I knew it would be a good day after I saw that loaf of bread. The holding area was huge. Bib numbers were given based on your last name so my bag drop was the furthest spot away from the actual start. I sat for a bit, wrote 5k splits on my hands in eyeliner and a special name on my wrist to remember how this trip was possible. Luckily enough I saw a friend of mine. She had gotten in via the lottery and her husband by time. We spent a few minutes catching up before we all needed to drop our bags. The race was encouraging 20 minutes to walk to the start. Here is where the mayhem began.

The start/finish is within this large park in the middle of the city, the Tiergarten. There were plenty of signs directing everyone to their respective start corral which was noted by letters. You followed winding dirt paths with the masses. When I got closer to the ABC start areas I noticed a small green space people were warming up in, so I did the same. After I continued to follow the masses. I could physically see the start area but the path went directing into 3 very long lines of people at portapots. People had now started to cut through the brush and trees of the park to find a way around. Which then turned into people scaling the very tall fences along the start area. A handful of other people found an opening in the fence but this still required us to climb up and over a shorter barrier. Not exactly what I want to do minutes before starting a marathon but here I was. After that debacle I found space within the B corral, did some leg swings and waited. A shared a brief moment with a girl maybe a bit younger than me on my ‘Running On Hope’ tattoo and how wonderful a person Gabe was and the organization is. The 10 minutes I had passed very quickly. They announced some of the elites, including the goat himself Eliud and gosh did the crowd of us go crazy. Then, we were off. 

It took me around two minutes to actually cross the start. I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of space I had right off the line in the roads. We were spread on both sides of the median which then split us around the beautiful Victory Column statue. Actually the entire race had plenty of room across the roads. I never felt stuck. As for the specifics of the race course itself, I honestly don’t have much memory. It was flat. And not oh my legs hurt after a while because there’s not change in terrain, because there was small ‘hills’ that I wouldn’t call hills but they were so subtle I didn’t know until I went down the back side and my legs felt better. There were a lot of turns in this course. A LOT. Hence why I don’t remember much. The spectators lined the entire course. I was pleasantly surprised that a lot of people also cheered for you by name (which was on my bib). At first I thought it was my mom encouraging people around her but then it kept happening. My favorite was when one little kid would yell my name and then their whole group would follow. I took some opportunities to high five some kids as well.

I was able to hit pace right at the start. After a few miles this did start to feel fast. I chocked it up to it being a bad patch and kept pressing forward. I came through my 5k slower than desired but found myself right back on pace by 10k. Just before 9 miles my watch started to act wonky. When looking down to see how close I was to getting my gel out, I saw I had split a 5:14 ninth mile…which I have never run once in my life. Mile 12, was a 1:38 mile. I was now flying blind for the rest of the race, I didn’t know if I could trust the gps. The 5k splits on my hand were started to wash off with my sweat so I made my best guesses based on what I knew my initial 5k goal was. At half way I still felt as though I was running too fast. I told myself keep pushing at this pace until 16 than see what happens. 16 came and went and I kept plugging away. This course only had Maurten as their electrolyte drink. The first aid station that had this, I grabbed one, took a few sips and hated it. Not long after that my stomach agreed, it hated it too. I stuck to water at every other aid station after that. I remembered I had drank to much in Duluth so I tried to space out my fluids. I was taking Ucan gels every 4.5 miles and those don’t require water to digest, so pairing my intakes was not an issue either. But after those first 16 miles, my stomach started to feel a bit off. I was able to take down my forth gel at 18 but my nausea now persisted. In fact, it only got worse as the miles clicked by. 

I started to do some mental math, where did I need to be with 10k and 5k to go to still be under three hours? and was this still in the cards today? It wasn’t a do or die time goal as it had been before, but it would be nice and I knew I had it in me. I was looking for the 32k sign and it never came. Looking at my watch, I was behind where I needed to be. Oh well I thought, let’s enjoy the rest of the day as I knew I’d finish. But then the next k sign was in sight and it was the 33k sign. I was still on pace and in fact, ahead of pace. I believe I literally said “oh sh!t I’m still in it” out loud. I was taking it one k at a time. As much as I wanted water, I chose to not take in any, hoping that would calm my stomach a bit. But it didn’t. I was so nauseous. The thought of taking anything in made me feel worse. Just make it to 5k to go and reassess. Just as before I was looking for the 37k sign but I missed it again. I knew I had slowed so now being off pace would not have surprised me. But the 38th k appeared and I was still under! I disregarded my last gu. There was no chance I was risking throwing up when I was still on pace. But I continued to slow. More mental math. Where did I need to be with 2k to go and still have a chance? I’d give myself 10 minutes and push with everything I had in the last 1k. At 40 k I had 13 minutes to make it. I tried to push. The nausea increased. There was no getting rid of it. Just finish. I made the final turn and the Brandenburg Gate came into view. I stay far to the left and followed the blue line for the shortest route to the finish. I tried again to push. No go. My legs had the life but my stomach was running the show now. The distance from the gate to the finish felt like forever. I wasn’t sure I’d make it. (Also running under that gate was super cool) But I had overestimated. Next thing I knew I was right there and had two minutes to spare. Unlike Grandma’s I had the space to take it all in. My hands instantly went over my heart. I was going to do it again! With my hands in the air I crossed the line with weak, screaming legs. 2:58:55, a PB by 47 seconds. 

Oh the nausea. A few steps passed the finish, I wobbled and my hands found my knees. Holy crap did I want to throw up. I didn’t make it very far until I veered off to the side and was on all fours for quite some time. I have no clue how long I was there. After a few failed attempts to kneel upright, I walked a bit farther. I needed water. My mouth was stuck shut. I downed two glasses of water and my stomach yelled back. Gosh was I thirsty but it was so uncomfortable. I decided to sit in the sun and hope for some relief. Again, I have no clue how long I sat there but I was able to get another cup of water down. I had to make the long walk back to my bag. I had to take my medal off at this point. It was directly over my stomach, smacking it with every step. I got 3/4 of the way there and had to sit in the grass again. I let the sun start to warm my body and the stillness help digest whatever the heck was so pissed off inside me. Minutes passed and I took my time segmentally getting up. One more push to get my bag and find my mom. Naturally, as soon as I sat down at our meeting spot I looked up to see her sitting not far off from that spot. I stood to embrace her but instantly had to sit back down. I had nausea in Duluth but nothing like this. As we sat and recapped the past few hours, I tried to find positions that made me feel better. It took time but I was able to get to my feet. 

I had heard that Tracksmith was in Berlin, stamping free posters with our finishing times. We made our way onto the subway and over to their space. To my surprise, olympic medalist Nick Willis was one of the people stamping posters. My nausea thankfully had subsided and I helped myself to a free beer as we planned our trip back to the room. By the time we got back to the room, it was 3pm. Now back on wifi I read the wonderful messages back from everyone in the states that were now awake. I called my dad to share in the ventures of the morning. We spent the rest of the day taking our time around a museum and at Checkpoint Charlie. I can’t even describe how wonderfully I slept that night. 

As mentioned in my previous post, I loved this build. On the train back to Berlin from Munich (of course we went down to Oktoberfest, duh) I found myself smiling and longing for the next one. I loved challenging myself in new ways. Again I was struck by nausea which slowed my second half. I was also at the mercy of a dysfunctional watch and no pacer. What does this tell me - I can most definitely go faster. 

I loved Berlin. Besides the mayhem that was getting to the starting line, everything about this race was wonderful. I loved Germany. I would 100% go back. Now I’ll take some downtime and build up for a half in late April. I’d like to train specifically for the half, which I’ve never done. I don’t have plans for a marathon for at least a year. I need to get more settled into life in Portland. I have 4 of my 6 Abbott WMM stars. Tokyo is the next one I’d like to do but is notoriously is hard to get into. If I don’t get into 2025, my next marathon wouldn’t be until summer 2025. Honestly, I’m not sure I can wait that long so who knows, maybe it will be sooner. 

[hellchilde]

i am in the weirdest state of sleep-deprived limbo

i feel like i haven't slept well in days and it's very strange. i just got back from vacation where for the most part i slept pretty good, except the last night there were these two barking dogs that did their best to keep me up. but of course i came back in the middle of a heatwave to broken AC, and while i have a temporary unit, it's still pretty roasty toasty in my apartment, and while i am apparently capable of sleeping without my weighted blanket, i do still need it below a certain temperature

so really i feel like i haven't gotten more than like 6 hours of sleep for the past few nights, probably closer to 5 hours last night. so the side effect of this is that time doesn't feel real and i'm not great at keeping track of my thoughts

so send me some good vibes that the AC guys finish fixing the AC today and i can once again sleep at a decent temperature tonight

[fake-love-is-all-i-dreamed-of]

fuck my ex

He did it. My ex brought me back to tumblr. Dang, it's been a while... like over 10 years since the young, hippie-wannabe, angsty teen was making blogs about doing drugs from the earth and sharing psychedelic aesthetic posts. It's nice to be back, in a place where no one knows who I am and I can speak my mind. Journalling is fun and all... but typing it out just feels like you're empowered.

Over the last year, I dated the dumbest person I have ever dated... and that's saying a lot, as my track record is pretty rough. I met him somewhere I shouldn't have been dating anyone, and from there, things moved quickly. He moved in within a few months, if not a few weeks, and we were full fledged in a relationship neither of us were ready for.

I mean jesus christ, the man almost has more kids than fingers and a criminal record but somehow I was so desperate for love I couldn't resist. I'm not fully salty about the situation, I've learned a lot.... but recently, I let him back in.

It had been three months since he left, and we were going on a month of no contact. He owed me $20 that he was holding over my head for months and refused to give back... I let it go eventually (it was more the principle than the amount I was worried about... as well as I'm pretty sure it was some sick way for me to keep talking to him.. I'm now seeing). I finally started to feel better and was being more conscious of the lessons as opposed to my loneliness. Then bam, he calls me out of the blue one night when I'm out drinking with a friend. I'm still not sure how he can call me when I have him blocked, but he says "that's the good thing about having a blocked number". Didn't know you could do that. I guess I was more lonely than I thought at that moment, because little did I know... he'd successfully reel me back in despite all he's done to me, I let the bastard back in.

Over the next few days we may have chatted a few times, can't remember. He then told me he was moving away for work and wanted to stay at my house for a night while he waited for his flight. I said absolutely not, we went no contact for a few more weeks.

Then, all of a sudden I get a call that awakens me at 8am on a Saturday. He's on the way into the city and is going to be staying overnight at the airport for 24 hours to wait for his flight. Again, I must have been extra lonely, because I slept for a few more hours and then went and got his ass. On my way there he sent me my $20 back, saying nothing. I was like wow, he really wants something from me lol. He said he didn't want to stay the night, but I practically begged him. We had a decent day, went to the beach, had something to eat. He was still unable to talk about what happened that caused our breakup and how he treated me the three months after, which is something I want badly but he's honestly just not intelligent enough to have a conversation like that (red flag #50,000)... so I just allowed the time spent to be what it was. He was leaving for 5 weeks to work out of the Province, so what the fuck is the difference... it's just a day, right? Throughout our day and night he made multiple mentions of him coming back to my place every 5 weeks and staying. I actually considered it.

Fast forward to the last two weeks, he's been out of Province and calling me daily for the most part. I noticed he still has some concerning people on his social media that I asked him to remove, so deep down I know nothing's changed and I also know I don't want to associate with someone of his patheticness - but, loneliness sucks so I keep him on a little string chatting here and there just to feel something.

He then starts asking me for money again. He went out of Province to work with $0 and apparently has no food, or smokes. I've had no extra money so kept telling him that's why I couldn't send, but he knew my pay period and tonight asked me again. This time, I said honestly I'm not comfortable with loaning you any money because I work really hard for it and the last time you didn't give it back for 3 months. Well... all hell broke loose, and he started saying "fuck you, get the fuck out of my life"... totally freaking out like a child. I then made a few digs at him, basically just insulting his intelligence and character because it's clear the only reason he keeps talking to me is so that he knows he can have me on standby if he needs something.

He then started saying that the reason he did what he did (cheated, lied, scammed me, etc.) is because of me, lmfao. That's when I'm like ok brother you're actually fucked. I blocked his number and he started calling me, leaving me voicemails saying I'm a piece of shit and telling me to clean my house because it's the only thing he can say to me - I'm not a disgusting human being like him, so there isn't much to say to me. I know I did nothing wrong and I've always been good to his grimy ass, so I have nothing to worry about.

He called me a few times, left two mean voicemails that I didn't even listen to, just deleted - and now we wait. Now we see if he emails me or tries to contact me from another method - or, will he finally give up and leave me alone?

I am hoping that I am fully done at this point - I mean, he's never done this before but tonight he called me a piece of shit and some other mean things - so I think I'm good, as I don't tolerate that no matter how mad you are. I've been talking to other guys basically the entire time he's been gone, just nothing serious has come out of anything. It's not like he's my only option, familiarity just hits ya in the face sometimes.

At the end of the day, what saddens me is that he is a product of his environment and I am unsure if he has the intelligence to ever break that mould. Being with me gave him a view of life he had never seen before, coming from where he comes from. I don't come from much, but, I do come from a place of intelligence and life knowledge - which is something he just doesn't have. I hope that he can someday lead a good life, but that's just not my business anymore and I hope to keep it that way.

So just like when I got sober from coke some 7-8 years ago, here is day 1 of no contact. I hope to reach 10, 20, 50, 100 days. If I don't, I'll start again - but he has no place in my life and I can't forget that.