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averagewriter-inthedark · 2 years

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For The Gold 🥇 | Top Gun Maverick Imagine

Takes place after the events of TGM

Link to my TGM Masterlist

Characters & Pairings: Pilot/Olympian!reader x Dagger squad (platonic), slight Lt. Jake “Hangman” Seresin

Content warnings: fluff, mentions of injuries, slight profanity. Might be emotional for you so be warned| Gn!reader (They/them) | wc: 12k+

Premise: In which the 2019 TopGun Uranium detachment return to Fightertown to watch and cheer on their colleague & friend as they compete on the greatest sporting stage the world has ever seen for their last chance at Olympic glory.

Note: so I was an athlete growing up (I did gymnastics, soccer, and figure skating) and although I no longer pursue my dream of going to the Olympics (my biggest regret in life) I still get super excited when it comes around. It’s currently World Cup season & I’m hyperfixating to say the least on sports and now have these ideas of a professional athlete!reader works for the dagger squad. Let me know if you want more because I totally have ideas for other sports— especially the ones I played because I have more personal knowledge of them, but I LOVE watching the track and field and nearly went that path when I was a kid because I loved to run and was really fast (I played wing for soccer in high school and I always had people tell me I should’ve been on the track team instead). For this imagine, imagine you were born in 1990 so it would put you at age 30-31 in 2021 and just to be clear this is following the idea that the events of TGM took place in 2019 since the movie was supposed to come out around that time or 2020.

“Let’s freaking go!!!” Javy practically shouts as he claps his hands when entering The Hard Deck to a crowd of people and his friends. Eyes were already glued to the multiple TV screens Penny had set up with the help of regular patrons. There was a table filled with food set out, coolers of ice and beers donated by customers. The bar was buzzing with excitement with many sporting team USA gear and waving American flags. It was the early hours of the morning—literally 5 am and everyone in the building had slept the duration of the previous day in order to pull an all-nighter or had just woken up. They wanted to watch the event live and not the replay later that day due to the 17 hour time difference. News crews were there as well, hoping to catch everyone’s reaction.

The squad rolled their eyes at their colleague, but smiled nonetheless. They too were filled with anticipation. “How much time until their up?” Coyote asked, taking a beer before finding a place beside Hangman. The Dagger squad had arrived early to get good spots with Coyote being the last to arrive. Now there was hardly any space in some areas with the turn out. Civilians and servicemen swarmed every corner.

“About thirty or so minutes. They should be coming into the arena soon.”

Everyone from TopGun was there, including Cyclone, Warlock, Hondo, Maverick and the current aviators going through the TopGun program. Many of the former 2019 detachment had gone off to their old or new assignments, but as soon as the announcement of the team hit the news they were popping off in the group chat and booking flights to Fightertown.

So here they all were. All 12 of the special detachment that trained together for a high-risk uranium enrichment plant mission back again in the Hard Deck like the first night three ago. Rooster, Hangman, Coyote, Phoenix, Bob, Fanboy, Payback, Fritz, Halo, Omaha, Harvard, and Yale. They were only missing one person.

The person across the Pacific Ocean who was the reason they were together to cheer on from home, and would be going for the gold in one final run.

It was the first week of August, 2021. The Games of the XXXII Olympiad in Tokyo, Japan.

What should have been held the year prior, was postponed due to the COVID-19 Pandemic. Now after years of hard work & dedications, nearly 12 thousand athletes from 206 nations around the world were gathered for the greatest sports event in history.

17 days, 339 events in 33 sports. The gold medal on the line.

For Y/n L/n, this was the moment they’d been waiting for. At 31 years old, Y/n spent their entire childhood and adolescence dreaming of the day they would walk through the tunnel of an Olympic arena to represent the USA. From the moment they could walk the track became their life. Their parents were coaches at Vanderbilt University and were the contributing factor to them pursuing the sport. And at age six, Y/n sat in the stands of the Centennial Olympic Stadium in the summer of 1996 where they witnessed with awe as Micheal Johnson won the gold for the USA in the Men’s 200m & 400m sprint and Carl Lewis defended his title of the long jump champion for four consecutive Olympics. Just days prior Y/n witnessed history for USA Gymnastics when the Magnificent 7 defeated Russia for the US’s first women’s All-Around team gold medal.

It was a memorable Games, held on home soil in the city of Atlanta and with many firsts and defenders.

It was the spark of a lifelong goal for the six year old in the stands.

Blood, sweat, and tears were put into training. From an early age Y/n loved to run. But sprinting was their passion. The 100m, 200m, & 400m became their sole focus.

Everyday, sometimes twice or three times Y/n was running drills and sprints. Their day would start with an early morning jog with their dad before the sun was even out, followed by breakfast before heading to the track. From there they would stretch, run drills, and conditioning. Then they would have an hour break for lunch before doing it all over again until dinner. The day would end with another cycle of drills and conditioning. Y/n would be out of breath, sweating, and sometimes in pain.

But they were determined. Like most athletes who dedicate their lives to the international level they became homeschooled and missed out on many things a typical child or teen would experience. Though Y/n had friends it was only a select few. There was hardly time for a social life and therefore it was hard for them to form connections. It wasn’t until they got into competitions did they begin making friends with fellow competitors.

At age 10 Y/n participated in their first meet. It was a let down, but not a total loss. Sure they didn’t win a medal but they didn’t come in last and that in itself was a win in their eyes. It just made them more determined to do better and the next season they delivered by claiming a regional title. As years went by regionals became state titles and soon Y/n was a national champion at age 16. That winning season had brands reaching out to sponsor the teen, but if they were to also take a chance at an NCAA title in college then sponsorships were gonna have to wait.

2008 was the year to remember. Y/n had attended their first World Championships and although they didn’t win gold, they took the bronze and became a likely contender to make the Olympic team in the upcoming trials. They had just graduated with their diploma and had accepted a full ride to Vanderbilt University as part of their track team. What came as a big surprise to their parents was Y/n would not just be getting their degree and competing for the college team, they would also be doing the Naval ROTC program.

Unbeknownst to their family, Y/n was drawn to the world of aviation. Their grandfather was a fighter pilot for the Navy and would tell them stories of what it was like in the air. He even had a cool callsign, ‘Viper,’ and taught at the Navy’s prestigious school for pilots. When Y/n was a child, he would take them to the air shows and teach them all about the maneuvers they were doing and even brought them to TopGun. They were in awe as he would explain all the gadgets and weapons of the F-14.

Yes, track and the Olympics was their life, but something was calling them to the skies.

“Honey, where did this come from? You never talked about joining the Navy before,” their mother said with confusion at the dinner table when Y/n explained their upcoming schedule. “If you make the team this summer I hope you’re not planning for this to be your only games. You’re so young and could easily go again for London and the 2016 games.”

“That’s still the plan, mom,” Y/n sighed, “But you remember all those stories grandpa would tell me about his pilot days? I want to do something more in case this doesn’t work out—have a backup plan per say. What if I tear my hamstring or something happens that I have to retire?” It wasn’t something they liked to think about, but with being an athlete the next meet is never guaranteed. Injuries are common—especially torn ACLs and hamstrings. Y/n had other passions besides track and wanted something there for if the worst happened.

“Y/n, if you do two years of their program you have to decide whether to commit or not and you’ll likely be commissioned when you graduate,” their father pointed out, “That means you’ll have new priorities and if you're serious about flight school that is going to cut time off the track. London is possible given it will be your last year in college—maybe we can pull some strings and have your commission pushed back if you make the team—-but I don’t think 2016 would be. You’re talking balancing a career as a Naval officer and professional athlete. That’s a lot to take on—physically and mentally.”

He had a point and Y/n knew it. London was in four years and definitely possible even if they fail to make the Beijing team. The location of 2016 had yet to be decided, but with the timing it would put Y/n four years into a possible Navy career.

Still they were wanted to make both work.

An Olympic champion and a fighter pilot.

First they had to get through 2008 and boy was it a year to remember. It fulfilled one half of the Olympic dream for Y/n: making the team and competing on the world’s greatest sporting stage. Tears streamed down their face as they embraced their parents following the end of the trials. It was a hell of a trials with Y/n competing against some of the best track stars in the country. They were completely starstruck when Allison Felix congratulated them following the announcement, Y/n remembered watching her four years prior in Athens for her Olympic debut and thought, ‘I really hope we’re teammates in Beijing.’

Unfortunately, a gold medal was not in store for the athlete. Of the three events; 100m, 200m, & 400m, Y/n only qualified for the 200m & 400m after finishing in the top two of their heat. The night of the 200m finals was a saddening with Y/n finishing fourth, just shy of a medal, but the Games were not a total loss when days later an Olympic bronze medal was placed around their neck and the American Flag rose alongside Great Britain and Jamaica’s.

And so the next four years of training for London—with Rio De Janeiro in 2016 looming around the corner—began the second they touched back on U.S soil. On top it was the pressure of securing NCAA titles not to mention A’s & B’s in their classes, while also getting through one of the top collegiate ranked NROTC programs.

It was a lot. And Y/n became burnt out at times. They had already set their name in record books at the national level, now it was time to amp up the game on the international and college level. A bronze medal would not satisfy Y/n, gold was the goal.

It all paid off by the time 2012 arrived. With a few more national titles under their belt and a World Championship in the 400m, Y/n was the talk for a gold among commentators. At the end of their collegiate career they secured several titles in their three events and managed to come out with a 3.8 cumulative GPA. In regards to the NROTC Y/n committed to the program after their second year and was set to commission that summer. The trials were around the same time as what would have been the ceremony, but after several meetings they allowed it to be postponed until after the trials. It would be some time before Y/n would be assigned an OTS due to the path they were taking with flight school and therefore it would likely not interfere with the upcoming Olympics. “Bring home the gold for us,” the officer shook their hand at the end. It filled them with nerves, but mostly perseverance, “I plan to.”

The trials were a success once again with Y/n having the honor to call themselves a two-time Olympian. The five colored rings were tattooed on their bicep, something they did immediately after Beijing that often resulted in being recognized in public, and gold was in their mind. After qualifying for all three events and earning a place on the 4x100 relay, Y/n had four chances at the gold: 3 individual and 1 team.

It was a silver lining moment in all three individual events. After failing to qualify for the 100m finals in Beijing, Y/n pulled a show stopping finish in the last heat earning them a place in the final. It was the most heat pumping 10 seconds of their life that happened in the blink of an eye. Before they knew it they were on the podium with a silver medal and the same would follow in the 200m and 400m. At the end of the 400m ceremony they were bombarded by reporters with the same question, “Y/n, what a run tonight, congratulations again this is your third medal in these games and it seems to be a silver lining moment for you. What are your thoughts?”

Still coming off the emotion from winning their fourth Olympic medal, a privilege not many could say, Y/n smiled wide, “It’s amazing really, you know I took the bronze four years ago in this event and I’m so grateful to come out with another medal—this time being silver. I couldn’t believe Monday night when I took the silver in the 100m—just making it to the finals after not qualifying in Beijing was an accomplishment and same goes for taking second in the 200m. I want to thank my parents, who are also my coaches and have been with me on this journey since the beginning. I’m just so blessed and filled with happiness tonight—I could not have done this without them.”

“You still have a chance at the gold in Wednesday’s relay. How are you feeling about that? What can we expect by the team?”

“We have such an amazing group for the relay, I’m so honored I get to represent the United States alongside them. Every one of us have worked so hard to be here and have really put our blood, sweat, and tears. Hopefully bring home the gold—I know each of us are going to give it our best.”

Y/n’s publicist from the side was signaling for them to hurry up, “One last question before you go,” the reporter quickly said. “For the people at home who have been cheering you on these past four years, can we expect you to return for Rio? I know you could very well take the gold in the relay, but are you hoping to try for an individual in the future?” This was the question Y/n had been preparing for the entire games. Having managed to keep their NROTC program hidden from the media, it troubled Y/n to reveal they would be a Navy officer by the end of the summer. It wasn’t odd for active duty members to be athletes, there were plenty who participated in the games every four years. It would just be difficult given the career path they chose and having to get all the paperwork filed for time off around meets and international competitions.

After a moment of thinking, they finally answered, “I’m very lucky I get to say I competed in these games twice now. I’m twenty-two now and will be twenty-six by the time Rio comes around—not to mention I start flight school pretty soon,” there was immediate surprise by the reporter, but Y/n continued and was quick to finish with. “I’m gonna work hard as I always do and hopefully Rio is in the cards for me. But to give a yes or no imma just say yes, that is the plan.”

Before the reporter could question the topic of flight school, Y/n was already saying goodbye and letting their publicist pull them away. The relay was in two days and was their last chance at winning a gold for the London games. Of course, Y/n was hopeful they would make the Rio team for the sake of winning an individual gold medal. There would no doubt be glory and honor if they were to win the relay, but it had been their dream since childhood to stand on the podium with a gold around their neck for one of their events.

The relay was all they ever dreamed of. A strong group with Y/n leading the first leg before handing it off, giving their teammate a great start to pull a lead against the other nations. As they were walking back to the start, their heart was racing and not just from the adrenaline…but by their teammate being the first to cross the finish line. Then there was the sound of the announcer amongst the roaring crowd, “WORLD RECORD!!!” with the USA appearing beside the #1 spot.

Y/n was screaming before they could stop themselves, “Oh my god!!” knees hit the track as they sank to the ground. They couldn’t even hear themselves by the cheers. It was a spectacular moment with Y/n pulling themselves up to run and embrace their teammates and share the glory they just made. Not only were they Olympic champions but also World Record holders of the 4x100m relay.

“The United States has taken the gold here today in the 4x100m relay and a new world record has been set thanks to the extraordinary start by Y/n L/n.” “This relay group gave it their all today, John. It was such a close call coming around on the third leg, but the Americans pulled through for a stunning finish for Olympic gold.”

With an American flag in their hand, Y/n joined their teammates beside the record projection. They were teary eyed, but held off from crying because they knew the emotion would come full heartedly on the podium. And boy did it come. The second the national anthem was playing, the first tear fell from Y/n’s eyes. The medal was heavy around their neck, but it was a reminder that they achieved the goal they set out when they were six years old.

Olympic champion.

And they got to share it with their teammates—an immense honor they would cherish till the end of time.

Y/n could barely remember all that happened following the podium ceremony. After a celebration with their parents and best friend, who flew all the way out to London to support them, they had no more events and got to rest for the remainder of the games. Closing ceremonies were spectacular. One of Y/n’s favorite moments from the Beijing games was getting to mingle with athletes from the other nations during the closing ceremonies. This time around Y/n was speechless as they got to see a Spice Girls reunion and One Direction perform.

Life became chaotic to say the least following the return from London. After winning four medals including a gold, Y/n was asked by several talk show hosts to appear for an interview. They accepted a few and were immediately bombarded with questions about the little detail they slipped after winning the silver in the 400m. “You made it known to the world that you’ll be going to flight school, was it? What can you tell us about that?”

“Well during my time at Vanderbilt, where I competed for them in the NCAA—which can I say, It’s a completely different ball field when your parents are not only your coaches for international competitions but also college meets. The energy is different, especially because they’ve been there for almost two decades now and are the definition of school spirit. Anyways, while I was there I also took the route of doing their Navy ROTC program. My grandfather was a fighter pilot for the Navy and pretty much became my inspiration for wanting to fly—on top of being an athlete. It was something I thought long and hard about. I wasn’t sure if I would even make the London team and of course anything can happen, but I knew I wanted to go to fight school back when I competed in 2008. I actually will be commissioning once I’m done with all this post-Olympic press.”

The ceremony was a bittersweet moment. With their friends and family around them, Y/n was pinned on with the ranks of Ensign and named an officer of the United States Navy. From there were the challenges of balancing a career as both a professional athlete and naval aviator. Often were days of bad mental health and aches after overexertion. OTS & Flight school was intense but shaped Y/n in many ways. The first day they were recognized by a classmate resulting in the callsign, “Olympian,” after everyone would say, “Hey, Olympian!” when calling out to them after two straight days.

“Could’ve been worse,” Y/n chuckled after their parents were like, ‘really?’ when they told them. “I mean it could have been something like ‘Short-track,’ or ‘Goldilocks,’ if they thought about it. If I fucked up doing something then they would’ve named me something related to it. I’ll take Olympian cause that’s what I am.”

After completing flight school and receiving their first duty station, Y/n made the decision to hire a new coach. The World Championships were coming up and they did not want to uproot their parents while they were still the head coaches at Vanderbilt. At first they protested, but eventually relented on the condition that Y/n’s coach would be their former colleague. He was the former head coach of Vanderbilt when their parents were athletes themselves before becoming assistant coaches. “He is everything you need to bring your A-game these next seasons and Rio. I’ll make the call first thing in the morning and see what he says.”

The four years between London and Rio were brutal. The training with their new coach and balancing an aviation career showed more hardships than ever. Y/n proved themselves to be a talented pilot despite the struggles and eventually was invited in 2015 to attend the Navy’s prestigious Fighter Weapons School more commonly known as Top Gun. The same place their grandfather attended and taught at.

A hard decision had to be made when the invite came. The time period interfered with the track season and Y/n would not be able to defend their two-consecutive world titles in the 400m sprint. In the end, Y/n announced they would be pulling out from the 2015 season to attend Top Gun. They weighed out the pros and cons and felt it was the best route given the Olympics were a year away. If an injury were to occur then it could result in Y/n not even having the chance to do the trials. Their coach was frustrated in the beginning, as one would be after dominating the national and international meets for two years straight. He eventually put his differences aside to put focus on what Y/n needed to improve if they were to take the gold in Rio.

It was at Top Gun that Y/n met fellow naval aviator Natasha “Phoenix” Trace. They were seated next to each other in one of the many lecture rooms at Fightertown where Nat had to do a double take after recognition sparked in her. Nat was an athlete in high school and college who, like many, would sit with her family to watch the Olympics every four years. Though she didn’t run track, a sibling of hers did so they would always tune into the events when they came on. After seeing the patch reading ‘Olympian,’ Nat had to hold back her fangirling as the memory of her cheering when the US took gold in the 4x100m relay. ‘It has to be them.’ At the end of the lecture she approached Y/n with a shy smile, “I’m so sorry if this is weird for you, but are you Y/n L/n? I’m Natasha—Phoenix.”

They struck up a friendship during their time at Top Gun. The two bonded over their NCAA careers and sports in general. Nat admired Y/n for being able to balance being an athlete and aviator, for she made the difficult decision to not pursue her sport after college. What was ironic was they didn’t feel threatened by the other when going after the top spot in their class, considering they were both obviously competitive. Both had immense respect for the other, and didn’t care at the end of the day who came out on top. They both had similar hobbies outside of flying and would spend nights watching movies, going to the bars, or playing volleyball with their fellow pilots. It was a genuine friendship with Nat supporting Y/n even after they graduated from Top Gun both ranked #1 in their class.

Nat even took time off to attend the 2016 U.S. Track & Field Olympic Trials. There she witnessed Y/n, who she now called a best friend, qualify for their third consecutive Olympics. Nat never screamed louder in her life than when Y/n took the top spot on the team for their events. “Oh my God, you did it!” She hugged the athlete when it was all done. “Holy shit congratulations, Oly! This is it—this is gonna be your year!” Nat wouldn’t be in Rio, but promised to cheer Y/n from home.

Unfortunately the journey for the individual gold medal ended before it could even start. After qualifying for the 100m and 200m finals with the expectation of being part of the relay team once again, Y/n’s dream of gold crashed during the semifinals of the 400m.

Literally crashed.

Their signature event which had an Olympic bronze and silver to their name as well as several World titles, ended in catastrophe. As Y/n came up on the last leg with the final turn, Y/n had a tight lead against their main opponent. But before they could blink the athlete to their left tripped and fell to the side directly in front of them. Moving so fast and unable to stop to avoid the person, Y/n topped over and felt a searing pain in their side as they landed awkwardly.

Gasps rang out before the stadium fell silent with just the faint sound of cheers from the winners of the race. Y/n was panting, clutching onto their side as fire filled the entire right side of their body. The athlete who tripped was in tears and apologizing profusely. There was still adrenaline from the sprint as the arena stopped spinning around Y/n. Determined to cross the finish line, Y/n pulled themself up and helped their fellow athlete up, “It’s okay, c’mon. Let’s finish this.” They were crying and Y/n had their own tears from the pain in their side and leg, but they only had a few yards to go. Cradling their right arm, Y/n was practically limping alongside their opponent while struggling to breath. Each time they took a breath they were met with pain, not to mention each step had them wince.

They didn’t want to think of the extent of the injuries. The pain alone indicated it was bad. Y/n knew right there their Rio run was done for. Their lips trembled as the reality set in.

The athlete saw Y/n’s condition and immediately brought them to their side as they approached the finish line. Cheers and claps ignited the stadium. There was no doubt they were moved by the display of sportsmanship between two athletes from differing nations. Both with the same goal of Olympic glory that would not be delivered.

Y/n was swarmed by the medical staff. The athlete who tripped them kept apologizing, filled with guilt, embarrassment and shame causing injuries to the Olympian. They felt a little pain from falling but nothing to the extent Y/n had. They had practically gone flying forward and crash landed to avoid hitting their head hard on the track. Now that the adrenaline had finally worn off, Y/n was having to do everything to hold back from collapsing. Y/n embraced the athlete with a hug despite the multiple medics yelling at them, “Don’t blame yourself, it could have happened to anyone. Okay? I’m not angry with you at all.” It was true, Y/n wasn’t angry. Were they sad? Of course, their Olympics were totally over after being diagnosed with a fractured right arm, a bruised rib, mild concussion from hitting their head on the track, and a torn ACL in their right knee.

Commentators were speechless when the incident occurred, “Coming around the corner on the final stretch it’s a tight race between USA, Jamaica, and France—Oh! Oh no! Oh my goodness, there’s been a crash here ladies and gentleman and it doesn’t look good for the American Y/n L/n. Not at all, they are not moving—oh wait no they are getting up right now and helping the athlete from Poland. But L/n looks to be in pain they’re holding onto their arm and I can see they are having trouble jogging—a slight limp to their step. Now the Polish athlete has taken L/n under their arm and they are crossing the finish line to the cheers of the arena in a display that could only be described as what the Olympics is truly about. Great sportsmanship here folks. It’s unsure what L/n is feeling right now but one thing is certain, we will not get to see Y/n go for the gold in the 400m final.”

After the race when the NBC announcers live from Rio were in the studio recapping, they gave an update to Y/n’s situation.

“Breaking news we’ve just received on American Y/n L/n. After the unfortunate incident in tonight’s 400m semifinal, the 26-year-old from Nashville, Tennessee was rushed to the hospital after it was realized the injuries they sustained were more severe than what they thought. It’s being reported Y/n is in surgery for a fracture to their right arm and torn ligament in their right knee. It’s also been noted the athlete suffered a mild concussion as well as a bruised rib. Their coach has come out with a statement on behalf of L/n letting it be known they’ll not be competing in the 100 and 200m finals nor the 4x100 and 4x400m relays they were scheduled to compete in. L/n also has said they will remain in Rio to recover until after the conclusion of these Olympic Games before returning with their teammates to the States.

“The gold medalist in the team relay from four years ago has not said if they will be aiming for a shot at the 2020 games in Tokyo, Japan. L/n was the 2008 bronze medalist in the 400m dash before claiming silver medals in the 100, 200, and 400m in London as well as sharing the gold for the 4x100m relay. They were the leading contender for an individual gold in one of the events after dominating the 2013 and 2014 World Championships. The three-time Olympian pulled out from the 2015 season due to conflicting commitments after revealing in 2012 they were commissioned into the United States Navy following their time at Vanderbilt University. These games in Rio were their first international competition since the one year hiatus. We can only hope Y/n will continue their journey to an individual gold medal in Tokyo, but from those of us in the studio and on behalf of everyone watching at home, we wish Y/n L/n a speedy recovery and safe trip back to the States.”

It was a solemn week in Rio with Y/n sitting in a hospital bed and the games playing on the tv screen. Their coach was with them, as was their dad and together they cheered the US when they took the gold in several events including defending the 4x100m relay. The doctors in Rio gave Y/n a recovery period of nearly one year—the longest healing process being the torn knee. It would be nine months until Y/n could even jog on it, but the doctors recommended waiting a full year before testing it. PT was going to be a pain in the ass, but as long as they didn’t run or do sprints then Y/n would be able to do all else after everything else healed.

Their concussion lasted a couple weeks and the bruised rib took over a month to heal, as did the fractured arm. The 2017 worlds and nationals were out of the question. Thankfully Y/n was still able to fly once the concussion was gone and their arm was fully functional.

The entire year the athlete was unsure of what to do about Tokyo. All their focus was put into flying. Running missions instead of the track and being promoted to Lieutenant in 2018. That same year they decided to try for one more shot at Olympic gold by training for Tokyo. Their coach and parents were all too pleased—even Nat after Y/n called her up to ask for advice. They had a lot to work on since Y/n waited an extra six months after fully recovering. The 2018 season was unattainable so the goal was a comeback in the 2019 season gearing up for the 2020 Olympics.

Just like when Y/n was a child, blood, sweat, and tears were put into training. More times could they remember wanting to quit when their knee started to act up after a bad start off the blocks. They had more arguments with their coach which only fueled the fire. Lastly they were on intense missions that took a toll on their mental health. Nat would check in on them every once in a while, but Y/n brushed it off. This is what they signed up for. They made their bed, now they were to lay in it.

2019 nearly brought deja vu. The World Championships were held in Qatar at the end of September leading into October when Y/n got the call from Vice Admiral Beau ‘Cyclone’ Simpson.

“The Pentagon has tasked me with assembling a strike team for a special detachment. I’ve seen your record and I feel you have what it takes to be a possible member of this mission. Now I know your situation and it is my understanding you’re currently in Qatar, what time are you expected to be stateside?”

Y/n’s hands were shaking, dread filling them at the thought they would likely have to decline an assignment. But these championships were more imported. “The last day is the sixth, but if I qualify for the finals of all my events then I should be done by the fifth, sir.”

“That’s perfect,” his words had them sigh in relief. “The tentative date to report to North Island is the 24th. I’ll be emailing you the information at another time.”

“Yes, sir. I will be there. Thank you for informing me, sir.”

“Oh and Lieutenant?” Cyclone stopped them before they could end the call.

“Yes, sir?”

There’s a slight pause, “Good luck out there. Bring home the gold for us.”

And bring it home they did. In an amazing comeback after what could have been a career ending injury, Y/n L/n reclaimed their title as the world champion in the 400m dash. They fell short in the 200m, but left with the silver and even secured the gold for the team 4x100m & 4x400m relays. People called it the ‘comeback of the decade,’ and Y/n fell subject to a lot of media attention in the world of sports. Their publicist did their best to handle the press once they found out about Y/n’s upcoming commitment. “I won’t let a single soul find out about this, Y/n, I promise you. The devil works hard, but I work harder.”

Once stateside track was put on hold to prepare and partake for the special Top Gun detachment. Dressed in their service khaki’s, Y/n entered The Hard Deck for the first time in three years and was immediately tackled by Phoenix. “You’re here! Holy shit when did you get back?”

“Like two weeks ago, I’ve been chilling since Qatar since there were no assignments until this.”

“Wait, you’re here for the Top Gun detachment too?” Phoenix raised a brow before frowning, “Why didn’t you tell me the other day on the phone?”

Y/n gave the woman a look, “I wasn’t sure we could even mention it to people. Plus you didn’t say anything either, Phee.” They got her there, the pilot raising a hand as if to say, “touché”. By now they have drawn the attention of several other aviators, who all appeared amused by the display of affection by Natasha and were curious to know who it was that received it. One person, Bob, had their jaw dropped when it clicked who they were. Payback appeared to be deep in thought, like they recognized Y/n but couldn’t put a name to their face.

“Trace, you gonna introduce us to your friend?” the blonde aviator, Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin said with a pool cue in hand. He was totally checking Y/n out with a settle drift of the eyes up and down. They didn’t look impressed but smiled to the others nonetheless.

Natasha brought the pilot over and proudly introduced them, “Fellas, this is Y/n L/n. Better known as ‘Olympian.’ One of the best damn pilots you’ll ever see. We both shared the honor of first in the class at Top Gun in 2015.” Nat then introduced all the guys and their callsigns, Y/n shaking each of their hands—Bob still appeared starstruck when they let go of his hand.

“Olympian, huh?” Hangman chuckled at the name, “That’s quite the callsign. What are you Greek? Or obsessed with mythology?” Rooster glared at the man, but also looked curious for the reason behind the Y/n’s callsign. Even their name sounded familiar. They had yet to see the tattoo on Y/n’s bicep, which now had the names Beijing XXIX, London XXX and Rio XXXI in tiny cursive below the rings.

Before Nat or Y/n could fire back at Jake, Bob dropped his cup of peanut shells. Everyone looked at him like, ‘what the hell, man?’ But Y/n started to smile, recognizing the shock in his face as though he had been right about something.

“S-sorry. Oh my God,” he stuttered with red cheeks, “You’re Y/n L/n. L-like THE Olympic gold medalist Y/n L/n. Oh my God I’ve watched you since 2008–since Beijing!” The revelation had shocked looks from everyone now besides Nat of course.

Payback suddenly jumped from his seat, “holy shit! I knew I recognized you from somewhere but couldn’t exactly figure it out for the life of me.” The man was stationed in London at the time of the Olympic Games and attended the night the US won gold in the relays. Now here is a member that he cheered on from the stands in front of him. “Wow, I was in London seven years ago—I-I saw you compete. This is fucking unreal.” Y/n laughed, shaking Payback’s hand. He was still coming down from the shock, having just crossed his mind that all over ESPN and Sportscenter the past month sportscasters were talking about Y/n’s comeback.

“Wait a minute,” Rooster pitched in, the memory of being in a bar the summer of 2016 played in his mind. In the same memory he remembered watching the 400m semifinals on the tv scream and gasping with everyone else when the American contender for the gold had tripped over their competitor and was out the remainder of the games. Coming closer to the scene in front of him, Rooster’s eyes caught the black ink on Y/n’s bicep. “Well I’ll be damned. You’re a pilot, a naval pilot like us? And you’re a fucking olympian?”

“Three-time to be exact, but who’s counting?” Y/n teased, causing Phoenix to chuckle and hand them a beer. All the men minus Payback and Bob, who had slight knowledge of Y/n’s career, practically had their eyes bulging. Rooster honestly thought they had just been in London and Rio. “It’s nice to meet you all. And to answer your question…Bradley, right?”

“Yeah, but please call me Rooster.” Y/n tried not to giggle at the callsign.

“Rooster, but yes I am a pilot, as our lovely Phoenix has pointed out I graduated Top Gun with her three years ago.”

“Weren’t you just in Qatar two weeks ago?” Payback asked when he remembered the World Championships in Athletics had just taken place. All over sportscenter they were talking about the comeback of the decade. “I swear I just watched you on my tv the other day during replays of the world championships.”

Y/n sipped their beer before replying with a nod, “Yeah I was. I probably wouldn’t be here if the timing wasn’t perfect.”

“That’s crazy,” Fanboy commented, still in disbelief he was speaking to an actual Olympic athlete. After hearing the stories from his fellow athletes— and doing a quick google search when no one was looking—Mickey was internally fanboying like his callsign namesake. “How have you managed to do both?”

“Lot’s of sleepless nights, determination, desire to win, and tequila on the weekends.” There were laughs at that. For the rest of the night Y/n fell into conversation with everyone. A few asked for a picture, which they were happy to do, and even signed some autographs for Bob and Fanboy. They caught up with Nat, relieved London memories with Payback and went into detail about their injuries when Rooster brought it up.

“I was at the bar with some buddies and saw that happen live. Everyone couldn’t believe it and I remember seeing you limp across the finish line with the, I think it was the Polish athlete? That’s amazing you even managed to get up after a crash like that.” Y/n was on their second beer, sitting between Bob and Coyote and across from Rooster while the others listened from the sides as they continued the game of pool.

“What were you thinking at that moment?” Javy asked with curiosity. “Did you like automatically know it was over for you?”

Y/n thought for a bit before replying, “the second I hit the track I knew my chances for the 400m were done—it was the semifinals after all. When I first felt the pain I thought it was the typical instant pain that would go away after a bit. Then when I started to move it got worse and as soon as I got up I thought, ‘yeah there’s no way I’m gonna be able to do the finals or relays.’ My chest was on fire from the bruised rib and then I could barely feel my knee once the adrenaline wore off. I probably would’ve collapsed after the finish line if they weren’t holding me up.”

‘Damns’ and ‘wows,’ rang out before Bob politely asked, “Are you going to try for the Tokyo team?”

“Yup,” they exhaled with a nervous chuckle at the end. “It’s gonna be tough I feel with how these past couple seasons have been, but I’m hoping for one final Olympics. It will be my last chance at gold—Individual gold,” they corrected before anyone could comment.

“You’re gonna retire?” Fanboy tilted his head, a little saddened at the thought. Throughout the night he had been on his phone watching replays of Y/n’s meets including their Olympic and World Championship runs. He tried not to react when he watched the 2016 400m semifinals. Now the thought of them retiring felt like a loss to the sport. It was like how he felt when Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt retired.

“Maybe not fully,” Y/n gave a small smile. “I might do one last season and a Worlds, but I don’t think I’m gonna go for the Paris Games.”

Payback came over and clapped them on the back, “Well I don’t know about these clowns but you can count on me to cheer you on next year. Hell I might even come to the trials.”

“That’s what I did in ‘16,” Phoenix cut in with a smile. “It was amazing and I’ll be in the stands again. Already planning to take time off to be there.” Y/n felt the warmth and gratitude swarm in them, “Thanks, Phee.”

What should have been three weeks of special combat training turned out to be two. The pressure was on with Y/n pushing their limit harder than ever—even exceeded that of their comeback. Never had the F-18 they’d become accustomed to flying feel like a stranger. Maverick was like their coach and Y/n made it their own personal goal to prove to him they had what it took to fly the mission.

At one point Y/n nearly pulled out as a candidate. When the details of the assignment were brought into light Y/n had to think hard about what they were doing. It was not going to be an easy mission. Not by a long shot. Ending badly was a great possibility compared to actually pulling it off. Their life was on the line.

What if they died? What if they got injured to the point they would have to medically retire? Decades of training for the Olympics would end if something horrible happened. Y/n had three to their name, an honor not everyone gets to have, but there was their chance at redemption after 2016 was now on the line.

In the end 6 of the 13 candidates were chosen and although Y/n felt a little saddened they were not chosen, there was a sense of relief. They were put on reserves and boarded the carrier for a long week ahead of them. When it was time to send off their teammates, Y/n pulled them each into a hug, letting it linger on Nat and making her promise to come back. “If worse comes to worse, L/n,” Payback said, “You better win the gold in our honor.” There were mutters of agreement from the others.

“How about you focus on coming back so you can watch me win it in your honor.”

They fulfilled the promise, because now here they were in The Hard Deck about to watch Y/n attempt to keep their side of the bargain. It was 5:15 am on Friday August 6th, 2021. The second to last day of the Games of the XXXII Olympiad held in Tokyo, Japan. And it was the finals of the 400m sprint.

Just a couple months ago in June several members of the squad including Phoenix, Payback, Rooster, Hangman, & Bob met up in Eugene, Oregon to attend the trials for the U.S Olympic Track & Field Team. Following covid precautions they wore their masks and stayed together in their own little group literally competing themselves on who could cheer the loudest. It was a bittersweet moment watching their friend and former teammate secure their place in their fourth and final Olympics. Hangman and Phoenix nearly shed a tear, the former consumed with emotion as they looked on proud at their partner waving to the crowd. Their romance was a surprise, but after the two met to catch up in March of 2020, they ended up having to go thorough lockdown together.

And well…..forced proximity can do wonders when you’re attracted to someone.

Jake wished he could be in Tokyo with Y/n, but even though it had been over a year since the virus broke out and sanctions were being uplifted there were still regulations set in stone for the Olympics. The entire event was postponed a whole year, but was still referred to as the 2020 Olympics despite being 2021. Only the athletes and coaches, which were limited to only one, were allowed to travel. Leading up to the Games, Penny had issued a vaccination verification and made the mask policy optional for those who had been fully vaccinated. She even went as far as making a limit for attendees during the week of the track and field events and had people reserve a spot in advance. She even set up screens outside for people to keep space in the building.

It was still a pretty full house and it was buzzing with excitement as it had been the whole week. Many were regulars who came every night to watch the heats, semifinals, and finals of many events but mostly people were there to watch their very own Top Gun alumni Y/n L/n. Even their parents were there—flying to San Diego to be a part of the watch party. They were already filled with nerves, Y/n’s mother was very upset she couldn’t be there in Tokyo with her child. If they won the gold it would be a bittersweet moment since her parents wouldn’t be there to celebrate in person until they returned home.

It was already a successful Games for the Olympian. The week before Y/n won the bronze in the 100m dash and 4x400 mixed relay and reclaimed the silver in the 200m. The place erupted in cheers each time with the dagger squad being the loudest. It would increase whenever the camera panned to Y/n, who was in obvious joy at racking more medals to their Olympic collection.

But now the pressure was on with one final individual event.

The 400m sprint.

Their signature event with two medals and several titles to their name.

One final shot at gold.

There would still be the relays, in which the final for the 4x100m would take place an hour after the 400m final and then the 4x400m the following night, but Y/n becoming an Olympic champion for an individual event would happen in less than fifteen minutes. The program flipped between other events while in prep for the race, often showing Y/n in the tunnel as they awaited the announcement of the finalists.

At around 5:20 all eyes were glued to the screen with someone yelling, “Turn it up!’ when the sportscasters appeared to be talking about Y/n. The pilots all had the same expression, wincing when they replayed the footage of the 2016 semifinals.

“I think we can all agree we are looking forward to this race, right Steph?”

“That’s right, John. You know, all eyes have been on Y/n L/n these Games. They have already had a great run with three medals, two bronze and a silver with three more events to go. They have quite the Olympic career since their debut in 2008 at the age of eighteen. They came up forth in the 200m in Beijing and walked away with the bronze medal in the 400m,” below the commentator was Y/n’s Olympic statistics. “Then they had a spectacular run in London where we saw them on the podium in each of their events. Silver medals in the sprints and It was their start off the blocks in the 4x100m relay that I believe is what secured the Americans the gold.”

“I agree, Steph. I can still recall that race and the emotions I felt. L/n had an amazing post-Olympic run after London—totally dominating the 2013 & 2014 seasons. Let’s not forget they were one of the top athletes in the NCAA’s during their time at Vanderbilt. I definitely believe it would have continued into 2015 if they hadn’t pulled out, but they still were the leading contender for the Rio Games. It was the height of the career I feel.” The screen was now split to showcase footage of Y/n’s 2013 & 2014 Worlds. Then it showed the heats and semifinals of Rio.

“Totally, John, they dominated the trials that year. They very well could have left Rio with more medals—quite possibly a gold in 400m which is their signature event. Everytime I rewatch the semifinals I almost have to look away at the final turn.”

“I know, it was an unfortunate incident that ended Y/n’s Olympics before they could really start. We almost didn’t know if we would even see them here in Tokyo, but after a spectacular comeback at the 2019 World Championships in Qatar, I had very high hopes we would get to this moment.”

“Me too, John, the pressure is on for the 31-year-old, let’s see if they can deliver,” the commentator turns to look at the camera with Y/n’s picture beside her, “Well it’s almost time for the 400m and it looks they are about to announce the finalists so we are going to have our crew in the stadium takeover our coverage. We will see you back here in the studio after the race and be sure to stick around because the night won’t be over for the four-time Olympian. Y/n is set to be one the four of today’s 4x100m relay final and tomorrow’s 4x400m relay.”

The screen switched to reveal the stadium, specifically the entrance tunnel where a projection would show the name and nation of the finalists. Y/n had taken the top spot in their heat and the semifinal so they would get the fourth lane on the track.

“Here we go!” Someone in the Hard Deck clapped, causing a few more people to follow. The cheers heightened when the American flag appeared above the name Y/n L/n.

First the announcement was in Japanese, then the English translator spoke through the stadium “In Lane Four, representing the United States of America, Y/n L/n!” With a shy smile, Y/n appeared from the side and walked until they were directly beneath their name. Then they turned to the camera and gave a wave followed by blowing a kiss to the screen and lastly throwing a peace sign. It must have been a little awkward without a packed stadium like the previous Games. Only a small section was filled with locals and the coaches of the athletes.

“That’s my best friend!” Nat yelled over the cheers. Several others followed the pilot, “Let’s go, Y/n!” “Bring it home!” “One last time, baby, let’s go!”

The remaining finalists were announced and took their place behind the starting blocks. When the camera panned to Y/n, their eyes were closed in a silent prayer.

“Take your mark.”

Their eyes snapped open with a shaky breath, feet carrying them to the starting blocks. Y/n did a ritual stretch down, tapping the tops of their toes with their hands before bending down to place their feet in the right position. Glancing up to the sky, Y/n said in their head, “please, give me this one moment.” Tucking their chin into their chest, Y/n waiting with anticipation like everyone else in the world watching.

It was like time slowed. “Set.” Their knees lifted off the track.

*Pop* the sound of the gun and Y/n catapulted off the blocks. Their eyes never faltered as they ahead at the track and let their legs do the work. In their peripheral they saw their opponents, the space between them slowly decreasing by the second as they pulled into the final stretch. Coming around the corner there was no one in Y/n’s sight. The finish line drew closer. Y/n didn’t know if they were in the lead by a long shot or if it was only a nanosecond.

Their heart pounded in their chest, sweat dripping from their forehead. Heaved breaths left their mouth and Y/n could feel her bad knee start to burn. But they pushed and they pushed.

All Y/n knew as they crossed the finish line was the world record flashed and their eyes snapped to the board which resulted in them screaming. As the announcer yelled through the coms, “WORLD RECORD!!” Y/n fell to their knees in tears.

#1 Y/N L/N—USA 47.50 (WR, OR)

Below their name were spots 2-8. And not only did Y/n just take the gold in their last individual event, but they also broke the World and Olympic records. Records that had been set for decades.

When Y/n finally lifted their head they were met with beaming faces of their competitors. They all congratulated the athlete, some hugging and patting their back. The world record sign was still flashing and Y/n felt another wave of emotion. This time they ran to their coach, aware the cameraman was keeping up with them to get a close look for the viewers at home.

Y/n could only imagine what it was like in Fightertown.

The second the athletes were lining up, Coyote yelled, “Everybody shut up!!” Silence filled the building, everyone’s focus on their respected screen. “Set.” *Pop* The racers were off and the commentators were already speaking frantically. “Great start off the blocks for L/n, coming around on the first turn neck and neck with the athlete from the Bahamas. Jamaica and Great Britain are not too far as they take on the long stretch of the track.”

“Go! Go!” People started to scream. Bob was biting his nails, Rooster was gripping his beer bottle. Hangman and Coyote were already off of their seats, “C’mon, Y/n! You got this!” It got louder as they approached the final turn.

“L/n is starting to pull a lead as they come up the turn, but the Bahamas are right there—this was the moment L/n’s Olympic dreams were shattered in Rio—O-oh! L/n has overtaken the Bahamas—they’ve got a huge gap as they pull into the final stretch! Oh my God we could be witnessing history—L/n is .10ths of a second ahead of the World Record and increasing their lead ahead of the others by an outstanding margin!”

“Let’s go!!!” The commentators' words were barely there as it competed with the uproar of spectators in the Hard Deck. Everyone was pretty much out of their seats and jumping as they watched Y/n’s lead increase with each step to the finish line. “You’re almost there!! Go! Go! Go!”

Then it exploded.

“THEY’VE DONE IT! Y/N L/n has won the gold for America!! They smashed the Olympic record and set the World record for the 400m dash by .10 of a second at these Olympic Games in Tokyo!”

“OH MY GOD!!!” Phoenix and several others screamed. She and Halo embraced in a hug with Nat covering her mouth to hold back her emotion when the screen showed Y/n screaming out to the sky before falling to their knees. The guys were all jumping around, Rooster and Payback embraced in a side hug, pulling Jake who was pretty much in tears as he watched the display of his partner.

“After heartbreak four years ago in Rio that put them out of a chance for the gold, Y/n L/n has come out on top in Tokyo. They can finally add Olympic Champion to their name as well as Olympic and World record holder of the 400m dash. In what could be the last time we see Y/n L/n in an Olympic Games, they have achieved what they set out to do since their debut in Beijing 13 years ago. What a stunning finish to a beautiful Olympic career in the sport of track and field.”

Y/n’s parents were clenched in each other’s arms, eyes rimmed as their own tears poured. They were filled with so much happiness for their child and wished nothing more to be in the crowd and share this moment with them. At the bar top Warlock, Hondo, and Maverick were high-fiving while Cyclone clapped along with a smile. Penny rang the bell simply to join the cheers.

It was truly spectacular to witness. The slow motion replay was on the screen followed by the Y/n’s reaction when they looked up to find their name on the board. The cheers kept going and only started to quiet down when TV showed the athlete in their post race interview. “Y/n, what a night here tonight. Congratulations are in store, you have not only taken an individual gold but also the World record—and the Olympic record! It’s your fourth medal in these Games, the first gold—how are you feeling right now after this victory?”

Everyone hushed to listen, but were grinning wide and some were wiping away tears. Y/n’s face was flushed, still coming off of the high of what had just happened. “O-oh I can’t even put it into words how I’m feeling right now,” there was a slight sniff, Y/n using their finger to wipe their face but was careful not to let the material of the American flag draped around their shoulders touch their skin.

“This is a dream come true. It has been a long journey to get here and I-I am so honored to have been a part of this team for as long as I have. You know after the 100 & 200 I didn’t want to have my hopes too high because as you can see anything can happen in these Games,” Y/n chuckled, eyes glossy, “I think I may have actually blacked out on the last stretch. I just kept my focus on the finish line and was just as amazed to see I had broken the records.”

The title card on the screen now showed: Y/n L/n, Gold Medalist, 400m (WR, OR: 47.50).

“Your friends and family have all gathered in San Diego—they’re watching right now and we actually got footage of their reaction to your win tonight. We’d love to show you if you like.”

“Oh God please,” Y/n was already giggling. The assistant brought over an ipad with a video and pressed play. On the tv screens the image split to show the video beside Y/n’s face to capture their own reaction. They saw the daggers squad in front of the bar while their superiors including Maverick were seated at the bar top. They were all surrounded by servicemen and women as well as civilians. Y/n teared up when they spotted their parents near Jake. By the end of it Y/n was basically crying while laughing. “Oh my God, that is amazing. I wish they could’ve been in the stands. I know my parents are probably thinking how the one time they can’t see me compete in person is when I win.”

The reporter laughed along with them. “I know I gotta let you go cause you’re set to race the relay in less than an hour and the podium ceremony is about to start, but before you go I just want to ask if this is the last time we’ll see you after these Games conclude Sunday night.”

Y/n softly smiled to the reporter, bottom lip slightly trembling, “uhh, you know I wasn’t completely sure. Since Rio I’ve had some troubles with my knee after the torn ACL—I almost wasn’t sure about these Games until 2018. I’ve been talking to Allison Felix these past couple days, since this is gonna be her last Games. Her and I have been part of Team USA for 13 years now and she’s become not only a mentor but a friend to me and i’m going to miss seeing her at competitions. I know I plan to do the 2022 season—especially the Worlds. Paris is only three-years away,” they shrugged, like they were considering it, “I’ll be thirty-four when it comes around so it’s really gonna come down to how I’m feeling after 2022.”

“Well I hope to see you again in Paris, but if not then it was truly a pleasure watching you these years. You’ve been an inspiration to many watching back home in the States. Congratulations again on this win and we can’t wait to see you bring it in the relays. Good luck again tonight.”

“Thank you so so much. I appreciate it and much love to everyone back home—thank you for all the support, especially my mom and dad, my coach, and my friends in Fightertown who I know are probably losing their minds. I love you all and I couldn't have got this gold without each and every one of you. Thank you,” Y/n shakes their hand and blows a kiss to the camera before following the volunteer to locker rooms to change for the podium ceremony.

Just like in London, Y/n was nearly a mess on the podium when the gold medal was presented to them. Per covid regulations, the athlete had to place it around their own neck instead of how it was at previous games with someone else doing the honor. Still, it held everything to Y/n.

They were an Olympic champion.

Tears streaked their face when the national anthem played and when it concluded Y/n kissed the medal and waved to the crowd of spectators that included the media and athletes from other countries. The rest of Team USA’s track athletes were there too, cheering the loudest as some of them have been Y/n’s teammates for over a decade. After pictures with the other medalists Y/n was rushed to get ready for the relay that was to start in 20 minutes. At the Hard Deck it was an emotional scene watching the podium ceremony. Jake and Nat were embraced, looking on with glossy eyes while everyone beamed at the screen. Y/n’s parents were with them too. It was bittersweet.

20 minutes later they were in cheers once again when Team USA took the silver in the 4x100m relay. Y/n kick started it off like they did in London, but this time fell short to second place by a smudge. It still was a celebration with Y/n adding another silver medal to their personal Tokyo medal count. It was passed one in the morning in Tokyo when Y/n FaceTimed Jake after the podium ceremony. They were met with shouts of joy from everyone in proximity that it was hard to even make out the individual voices.

“You fucking did it!!”

“Congratulations, Lightning McQueen, you were amazing!”

“Holy shit, Olympic gold!”

“I’m so fucking proud of you, Y/n. I wish I could hug you right now.”

The call was brief but wholesome with Y/n thanking the entire squad for their support and they loved watching their reaction to the race. Jake spoke on behalf of the others with the promise to celebrate the second Y/n returned to San Diego in three days. After goodbyes and a quick chat with their parents, Y/n ended the call to get much needed sleep for their final race the next day. The Hard Deck cleared out soon after with many calling it a day.

It was the same scene the next morning at 5:30 am to watch the final of the 4x400m relay. “It is the final day in these Olympic Games after a spectacular two weeks in Tokyo. Many firsts have been made. There are just a few events to get through tonight before closing ceremonies tomorrow evening. All eyes are now on the finals of the 4x400m relay. And boy is there a lineup tonight with the Americans looking to defend with a seventh-straight title.”

“It’s going to be an interesting finals tonight, Mark. Like you mentioned, the US have retained the title of Olympic champions in this event since the 1996 Games in Atlanta. They are unstoppable and this is the first time Y/n L/n is part of the group. They won the gold in London for the 4x100 and just last night took silver in the event. Four years ago in Rio they were set to be on both the 4x100 and 4x400, but after a tragic semi finals that ended with a torn ACL, L/n had to pull out of Games.”

On the screen the team was announced with all four athletes appearing from the side. Together they did a little dance for the cameras before going to the track. “I’m interested to see how L/n does tonight and if they can pull through. This event is truly a team effort and unlike last night, L/n is set to anchor the Americans in the final pass rather than starting. They just won the gold in the 400m last night in a stunning record breaking finish—I’m still in disbelief.”

The Hard Deck painted a familiar picture as the previous morning. The Daggers were on the edge of their seats when the race started and Penny stopped taking orders when the third pass began. The camera was split to show Y/n taking their spot on the track to await the baton. Then the screen went back to one when the American came up on the last turn. “Here comes the final pass of the bottom in the final leg of this 4x400 relay. Poland and Jamaica are not far behind, but the Americans have given Y/n L/n a lead—and there they go! Beautiful pass from teammate to teammate and Y/n L/n is off to hopefully bring the US their seventh consecutive gold.”

“C’mon, baby, let’s go!!” Jake yelled, the others echoing his cheers. At the bar patrons were clapping the surface.

“They’re gonna get it—look at the lead!”

“It’s not over yet.”

“Let’s go, Y/n, you’re almost there!” The athlete increased the distance between them and the polish on the stretch coming into the final turn. The cheers got louder and louder with many already celebrating when it was obvious the Polish were not gonna catch up. The announcers knew it too.

“Poland has overtaken Jamaica but it will not be enough for Olympic glory—Y/n L/n has increased the margin their teammates had given them and has no doubt secured them the gold! All there is left to do is cross the finish line and the Americans have done it again! L/n has finished the job and given Team USA their seventh straight gold medal in the 4x400m relay!!” The last line was in tune with Y/n crossing the finish line. A large smile plastered on their face as a cry of joy left them that the camera managed to capture. Their teammates met them in the middle with the four embracing in cheers.

The Hard Deck exploded again when Y/n crossed the finish line, matching their reaction as though they were the ones who just won the gold for their country. They couldn’t wait for Tuesday when Y/n came home and they could celebrate the big wins together. Jake was really excited especially after having a heart-to-heart with Y/n’s father. The ring was safely tucked away in his suitcase as a reminder of what he had planned for his Olympian.

The rest of the daggers, including Mav and Hondo ended up staying an extra hour after the podium ceremony to celebrate their friend. Many were still in disbelief, but filled with absolute joy. Who wouldn’t really? They had just witnessed their friend win their sixth medal in a single Olympics. Something uncommon for even athletes who qualify for multiple events.

But Y/n did it.

They left Tokyo with two bronze, two silver, and two gold. In four Olympics Y/n started from a single bronze in their debut to their first team gold in London, leaving with nothing in Rio to finally medaling in every event they raced in Tokyo. Their first individual gold after thirteen years of hard work and dedication to rise to the top since they sat in the stands of the Centennial Olympic Stadium.

It was a golden end to an Olympic dream 25 years in the making.

Or so they thought…..

When the stars painted Paris on the night of August 11th, 2024, the final night of the Games of the XXXIII Olympiad, Y/n L/n waved to the crowd in a bittersweet goodbye as they wore the Stars and Stripes one final time. It was hard to hear over the roar of spectators from all over the world. Not a single seat had been empty for the final race of Y/n L/n’s career. Athletes from other disciplines attended, some in tears by the overwhelming emotion of the moment.

“It is an emotional scene here tonight in the Stade de France as we say goodbye to Y/n L/n of the United States. There isn’t a dry eye in sight as spectators and athletes from around the globe watch the five-time Olympian take their final bow after winning the gold with the Americans in the 4x400m relay in their eighth consecutive title. In what could be described as the greatest Olympic run a track athlete has ever done, Y/n L/n has achieved the impossible in Paris with six gold medals in six events. Never has an Olympian taken the gold in the 100, 200, 400m, and all three team relays in a single Olympics, but Y/n L/n has made history. They are also the second Olympian and only American to win gold in the 100, 200, and 400m in a single Olympic Games.”

Y/n walked the track with a cameraman following them, hand that was not waving patting their chest where their heart laid. The hand now had a gold wedding band and Tokyo XXXII and Paris XXXIII added to the bicep tattoo. Y/n’s teammates that they just won the gold with had stood to the side, clapping with the crowd with American flags draped around their shoulder and tears cascading their cheeks.

Y/n finally made it to the section where the majority of Americans who had traveled from the States were seated in a sea of red, white, and blue. Y/e/c went straight to the front few rows and were immediately met with the sight of not only their parents beaming faces, but the ones of their closest friends. None of them were hiding their emotion. Phoenix was embraced by Rooster, the two wiping away at their faces as was Bob. Fanboy and Coyote were teary eyed while Payback just nodded with a bright grin, bringing his fingers up to whistle. Even Maverick, who was now retired from the Navy, was in attendance looking like a proud father.

And Jake? Jake was a mess.

His green eyes were pretty much bloodshot but there was love and admiration in his gaze. His own wedding band reflected under the stadium lights and he made the motion of catching the kiss Y/n blew to him before placing it on his heart. All he wanted to do was jump over the railing and hug his spouse, but unfortunately that would have to wait until after the podium ceremony.

The extinguishing of the Olympic torch at the closing ceremonies would signal the start of Y/n’s retirement from the world of athletics. It would close one chapter, but the other was still in progress. There was still time for them to be the best of the best in terms of naval aviators. They were not even halfway into their Naval career.

And they were totally up for the challenge, because nothing is impossible when going for the gold.

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lazycats-stuff · 11 months

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Chapter 5

Lets go!

Word count: 3k

Warnings: Jason Todd bonding, Bruce is investigating, sad Elias,

Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9

Bruce didn't tell anything to Elias about Aseel's disappearance. He didn't know how Elias could take it and right now it's important for him to stay stable as much as possible. And besides, how is he going to explain the fake business travels?

Aseel is a staple in Elias' life and there is a chance that Elias won't even believe him at all. Bruce saw how smart Elias was and how calm he could be, but this is something that could break his mind. And more so, it was obvious that Elias cares a lot about him.

The thing that made Bruce worried was the fact that Damian has said that he has seen Aseel somewhere. Damian knew that it wasn't in front of the school because he would have remembered him. Elias slept in the next morning because he won't be going to school.

The first night didn't went well for Elias. He couldn't fall asleep after hours and once he did, he woke up in cold sweat. Everything felt like a nightmare and he cried softly into the night. He looked at the necklace that was shining with the moonlight on his nightstand.

It felt suffocating. The last gift from her and probably the last thing that his father had given her. How did they even meet? Where did they meet? Does he have anymore siblings?

His mom was a bit older for the average mom of his peers, but that wasn't a bad thing. But it made him wonder from time to time if he had any siblings. Did he have a sister maybe? Or a brother? It would be nice to not be an only child.

But all the answers went missing with his mom. He sat up in the bed after some hours, seeing that it was dark and it wasn't even 6 am yet. He rubbed his eyes. He was exhausted beyond belief and he walked like a zombie to the bathroom.

After brushing his teeth and washing his face, he changed into the clothes he got yesterday. He went downstairs, trying to remember where the kitchen and the living room was. He needed some water and he needs to clear his mind.

He quietly walked to the kitchen, turning on the lights before entering, somehow remembering where the glasses have been put. He took one and pour some cold water. He was just leaning against the counter, drinking cold water.

The water felt heavenly against his throat. Elias put the glass into the sink, hands shaking. He has never felt this afraid before. Never had been so afraid that his hands shook. And his mind has never went into a such dark place. One of the thoughts that wormed into his mind is did Bruce took him in for sympathy and publicity?

He took a deep breath to calm himself down. He gripped the edge of the sink to tightly that his knuckles became white. He took a deep breath once more, looking up. He turned his head when he heard someone coming.

It was Tim. Tim stopped dead in his tracks, eyeing Elias.

" Are you okay? You are shaking. " Tim said, walking closer to him.

" I had a nightmare. " Elias said quietly, straightening his back. He watched as Tim took a cold water bottle from the fridge.

" Do you want to talk about it? It could help you. " Tim suggested and Elias pondered. Does he really want to? He doesn't know Tim that well... But maybe opening up will help.

" I just had a nightmare and I didn't sleep well and I just cried for hours. " Elias opened up, blinking at Tim. Tim gave him a small smile.

" What are you doing up so early? " Elias asked him and Tim shrugged. " I had to pull an all-nighter. " Tim said and Elias nodded.

" Oh. Morning gentlemen. " Alfred said, hesitating for a moment. He didn't expect these two in the kitchen.

The two boys murmured good morning and moved to let Alfred go the the cabinets.

" A nightmare? " Alfred asked and Elias nodded, exhausted.

" Would you like some tea? I have one that can help you go to sleep. " Alfred suggested and Elias shrugged.

" Maybe in the evening. But now, my mind doesn't want to sleep. I just can't now. " Elias said, moving to just sit next to Tim at the table. Elias rested his head on his arm, looking at the clock. It's not even 6 yet and it was dark outside.

" I know that feeling Master Elias. Was it a bad nightmare? " Alfred pressed on as he made some coffee for himself.

" I mean... I don't really remember much of it, but I woke up in cold sweat. " Elias explained, trying to rub the sleepiness out of his eyes.

" I know you have said no to the tea, but you can drink it during breakfast and then go to sleep after breakfast. You will need your sleep. " Alfred said, taking a sip of his hot black coffee.

" I will see about that. " Elias said, trying to smile, but he felt like he just grimaced. The kitchen fell into a comfortable silence, only broken when Alfred turned the radio on.

" Did master Bruce tell you anything about going to school? " Alfred asked Elias, turning to face him after flipping the pancake.

" I don't think he did, but I don't think I will be able to go. " Elias said, looking at the entrance when he heard people coming. Bruce entered first, then Damian, Jason and Dick, all in that order. Damian took in Elias's appearance, but choose not to say anything as he sat across from him. Bruce also glanced at him and he knows what has happened.

Bruce chose not to comment and the others choose too. They all knew that look in his eyes.

Nightmares.

" Elias, I wanted to let you know that you won't be going to school today. You went through a lot yesterday and you need to rest. " Bruce said, breaking the silence.

" Thanks. " Elias said, rubbing his eyes once more.

" I know we say this a lot, but if you need to talk to us, you can. To me or Damian or with just anybody. We are all here for you. " Bruce said with a small smile and Elias looked back down at his clasped hands.

One thought that has made its way into his mind just earlier is the fact that Bruce might have taken him in for sympathy and charity points. He didn't want to believe it, but there was always a possibility.

" Now, is everyone ready? " Alfred said, putting the plates in front of everyone. Elias knew that he couldn't eat all of that and Alfred seemed to know this and instead giving him pancakes, bacon and eggs, he got yogurt with granola and fruit.

" Again, I know you probably you don't have an appetite for something heavy in the morning, so I made you something light. " Alfred said and Elias wanted to hug the man.

" Thank you Alfred. " Elias said quietly as he dug in his meal. It felt nice for his stomach too. He should start eating more light in the morning.

Bruce has been sitting in front of the Batcomputer, looking into Aseel. Ever since Damian has said that he was familiar, Bruce refused to let it go. He won't go to bed until he gets rid of this feeling in his mind.

He crossed referenced the name and the picture with his normal databases in Gotham. Nothing. Then a lightbulb went above his head. What if he cross referenced Aseel's name with the criminal databases? He had plenty to choose from anyway.

And if Damian said he was familiar, then he will start with the League of Assassins. Damian wouldn't say that the picture of Aseel is familiar without a reason.

Bruce did so rather unwillingly. He wanted to know the truth, but what is he going to find out? What if Aseel is connected to LOA? What if Natalia was in one? Natalia is a perceptive person and you can't hide being an assassin.

But they aren't together, they are just good friends. Maybe he just found her? Bruce rubbed his eyes, sighing quietly as he waited for the results to pop up.

Should he cross reference Natalia too?

He clicked his tongue, closing his eyes for a moment. He could only hope not. He didn't want to suspect that all of this is a ploy for Elias to gather information as a spy, but there is always a possibility. But if it is true, then Elias is one hell of an actor.

Bruce looked at the screen when he heard a sound on the computer. Aseel is a LOA member. Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose.

This is not good. This is so not good.

He put Natalia's name into the system, at the moment praying that he didn't get a hit. Probably he wouldn't. How did she even come in contact with Aseel? When?

More importantly, how is he going to break these news to Elias? He needs to confirm the suspicions first before telling Elias. He is in a fragile state now.

There is no way he is going to allow him to be broken down even more.

Bruce knew that a press conference is inevitable for his mother. Elias would need to speak for his mother, he needs to be the voice. Whoever took Natalia needs to see what they have done to this poor boy. They absolutely needed to see it.

Bruce just didn't know how to rip the Band-Aid off. Should he ease Elias into it? Should he just say it outright? Either way, he needs to get it out of the way. One way or another.

That's why he led Elias outside to talk about this in the garden. All of them needed some fresh air for this conversation. Elias was confused as to what it might be, but still sat down with Bruce outside in the garden.

Bruce didn't need to be a detective to be able to tell that Elias is nervous. His hands shook a little bit and he was completely restless.

" Now, the reason I called you here is because I wanted to talk to you about a press conference for your mother. The media has slowly been getting a whiff of you being here and if you feel comfortable, I would like you to speak on her behalf, you know what I mean. " Bruce said and Elias looked down for a moment, tears welling up in his eyes.

" I mean... I would like to do it, maybe someone has seen it, but I don't think I will be able to hold it together long enough. " Elias said and Bruce smiled softly. Oh this poor kid.

" I will be right behind you. If you choose to do it of course. " Bruce encouraged and Elias gripped the ring that was hanging on a chain.

" I will have to think about it. " Elias said and Bruce nodded in understanding.

" Will it have any impact? On the investigation I mean? " Elias clarified and Bruce nodded.

" It could have. Somebody can come forward and give the police the information. " Bruce said and Elias nodded tears more obvious now. Bruce brought him into a hug, allowing him to hide his face from the outside world.

" I'm scared. " Elias admitted and Bruce squeezed him a bit tighter.

" That's okay Elias. It's normal to be afraid in this situation. You are allowed to be afraid. " Bruce said, holding a quietly sobbing Elias. And the boy didn't want to be anywhere rather than Bruce's chest. It made him feel safe and it gave him something that he didn't have.

A father figure.

His mom couldn't provide what a father figure could provide. Sure, he had Aseel, his beloved uncle who is nowhere to be found and some could consider Aseel to be a father figure, but he wasn't there enough to help Natalia. His work took him all over the world and he was only in Gotham for a week at most.

That is nowhere near enough for somebody to raise a boy.

Bruce knew that Elias didn't have a father figure. An uncle who travels a lot and is only back for a few days at most is not an adequate father figure to a growing boy. Bruce is more than happy to be the father figure that Elias needs.

" I really have to think about it. " Elias said after sitting up more straight, wiping his eyes.

" And that is okay. Just give an answer by tomorrow. " Bruce said and Elias stood up.

" I'm going back to my room. I will try to go back to sleep until lunch. " Elias announced and Bruce nodded, watching Elias walk off inside.

Elias was now bored as he walked through the manor. Everyone was home, but he was just in the mood to look around. He has tried to sleep, but couldn't.

So what better than to do then investigate? And besides, he had a lot to investigate. Manor is a huge home, almost like a castle and Elias knew that this adventurous spirit he has gotten made him a little bit more energetic than usual.

It was nice to get his mind off of things. Everyone was already home from school and it was more livelier. Elias also talked to Theo today over the phone and Theo was happy to hear that his friend was doing well.

Elias didn't tell Theo about his panic attack and he didn't tell him what he really saw in his apartment. He didn't want to worry Theo even more and he didn't want to worry himself even more.

Theo promised to help with school and the two agree that they would talk or text as much as they could. Now Elias entered what looked like a shooting range, but it didn't really look like your usual targets.

The normal shooting range has paper targets and these were very much wooden and there were still knives stuck into it. Elias was confused as to who throws knifes in this house.

And the answered had walked in the form of Jason Todd.

If Jason has been surprised to find Elias here, he hid it quickly. Elias saw a small bundle in his hands and Jason chuckled.

" I see you have found my range as I call it. " Jason said, moving past Elias to put the bundle on the table on the side of the range. He uncovered it to show of more knives.

Elias had no doubt in his mind that these are sharp beyond belief.

" I'm sor- " Elias started, but Jason quickly jumped in. " Oh no, don't worry. I don't mind it. It's not just mine, but I use it the most. I just love throwing knives and it's nice to let out some steam sometimes. " Jason said, glancing down at his knives. There was a small smile too as his finger glided over the sides of the knives.

" Have you ever thrown knives Elias? " Jason asked turning his head.

Elias shook his head. " No. Never. "

" Would you like to learn how to? " Jason asked and Elias had to nod. It was an interesting thing to him, but he never had a chance.

" I would. " Elias said and Jason waived his hand to summon him closer.

Elias walked closer to the table, looking at the blades.

" Now, here you have balanced knife. This is great for you as a beginner. You also have blade- heavy and handle-heavy. But for now, you need these. We will move on when you move from a beginner to a pro. " Jason said, taking the said blade by the handle, letting Elias take it.

Elias took it gingerly, afraid to cut himself. " Don't worry, these are dulled down. These are the same ones I used to practice. " Jason said, a warm glint in his eyes, seemingly remembering those times.

" Now. What you need to have is a stance. Move here. " Jason said and he moved Elias to a good stance. He also moved Elias' arm. " Now, there are different way of throwing for different ranges. " There is close-range, medium - range and long - range. For now, we will do close range.

After showing Elias different ways to hold a knife, Elias was allowed to throw the knives at the targets. Jason gave him a preview and Elias tried to follow but the knife didn't seem like going into the wood.

Elias would cringe at the sight of the knife bouncing back. Jason had nothing but support for Elias and would correct him when he saw something wrong.

They have been going for an hour and Elias' right arm was hurting.

" One last time. " Jason said and Elias huffed.

He looked at the target and threw the knife. He was prepared for a fail.

But it stuck. Elias did it.

Jason's mouth dropped a little and Elias let out a cheer.

" I did it! " Elias cheered for himself and Jason clapped for him.

" Good job Elias. " Jason said and Elias gave him a quick hug before leaving. Jason watched as Elias left. He couldn't help but smile a little bit. He had to admit, he was a little bit skeptical of Elias, but now he saw how genuine Elias is.

And it was nice to see Elias happy. After the disappearance of his mother, Jason was happy to see him happy, even just for a little bit.

#dc comics #dc comics x oc #batman x oc #bruce wayne x oc #red hood x oc #jason todd x oc #tim drake x oc character #red robin x oc #damian wayne x oc #robin x oc #dick grayson x oc #nightwing x oc

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adhdstudybitch · 1 month

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I went on a deep dive into night owl research at like 2 am and actually cried? Bad tears. Tears of "we're perfectly normal yet the entire world is build around morning people, tells us that we're lazy, lies and says that we're harming ourselves if we follow our bodies natural sleep patterns, causes us to live in sleep deprivation our entire lives, and treats being a night owl like it's a moral failing. Most advice for night owls is how to fix your sleep schedule, how to become a morning person, how to be a productive member of society by doing something that will result in you never feeling rested, moving through the world with constant fatigue and brain fog, cognitively impaired because you're always functioning on a deficit."

Until a month ago, I had never known what it felt like to wake up well rested. I've spent the last three years trialing too many sleep medications to count, doing sleep cbt where my sleep hours have been meticulously tracked, restricted to night time, three different sleep studies, and after all that I'm just a night owl. The first week I let myself go to bed when I actually got tired and wake up without an alarm (to see when I'd naturally wake up) was the first time I experienced true restfulness in my life. And what do you know? My body's natural rhythm kicked in, and now I go to bed at 3:30 (sometimes 4:30) and naturally wake up at 11:30, and I feel good! I'm sleep the exact same amount of hours as before (with the help of ambien) but everything is different.

It feels weird and good, but I also feel so angry and cheated. You mean I could have had this my whole life, but you built the world around working 9-5, made waking up at 6 am a badge of honor, and shoved everyone into the same patterns even though it's fucking biology??? No, night owls can't be "trained" to become morning people. Leave us alone.

I had fantasies last night of opening a night owl "cafe", someplace we could go when the rest of the world slept. Holding book clubs and meet ups and trivia and all that fun shit. Expanding to include a night time corner store next door with your basic groceries and household necessities. Hours of operation 8 pm - 6 am. What a difference that would make!

#lex rambles #I'm tired of the world expecting us to bleed ourselves dry for capitalism #and I'm tired of capitalism convincing morning people that they're superior because they can more easily play the game #night owl #night owl culture #night owls #delayed sleep phase disorder #stupid diagnosis

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pbandjesse · 5 months

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Today was a really a really nice day. I slept a lot better. And I got to be in nature. And it didn't pour, which I was prepared for but I was still plenty surprised.

I slept a lot better last night. And when my alarm went off at 7 I was actually feeling pretty good. I got dressed and my hair was dirty but I was fine.

James didn't come up to say good morning and I was only slightly sad about that. But they would come up and make the bed and when I went downstairs they weren't in the kitchen? And I was very confused. But it turned out they were in the studio. Was just happy to see them.

We had big hugs before we left for work. I like that in exactly the right height to hear and feel their heart beat. It is comforting.

I had a fine drive to work. And got to camp at 8. I would sort of have a lazy day around the actually field trip. I spent the first hour having breakfast and watching videos. I probably could have done some more research on the shields but I am getting a more solid idea of the styles for the different pieces so I will have somewhere to start.

Once everyone was there I would go and set up my print making. And went to hang out on the rocking chairs. I was not feeling very social.

The bus was running late. But that was fine. This was 4th grade and they are known as being the very best grade in the whole school. And they really were just lovely children.

We started in the lodge. And pretty quickly went to the amphitheater. Where we did our warm up. And they were a little more into it. Gabe missed some steps though!! And we had to backtrack to get back on track!! But everyone was good.

Me and Adam lead a hike again. I took them to the stream site. And we started lifting logs and rocks and would find 5 newts! It was so cool. I don't let the kids touch them but I'll hold them so the kids can see them. But man do they want to touch. I totally understand. I love holding animals.

We found some great plants again. And we took a weird and winding way to the Glen. I was also able to bring them to frog hollow and there was no fighting and we saw lots of tadpoles and it was a beautiful day. Not to bright, not to warm, and not raining.

Lunch was good. I had my soup. And tried to just be quiet. I felt very quiet inside. Just feeling kind of introspective.

The afternoon was slow. The kids were pretty interested in the printmaking and the other art. I was pretty excited we finally found some feathers and it worked so well. I was really really pleased.

My feet hurt really bad. Specifically my one toe felt like it was burning. I would spend the afternoon bare foot and that helped a lot but my poor middle toe was all swollen. Ouch. It seems slightly better now with some Neosporin.

We cleaned up around 2. I would wander over to Sarah to hold Samson the tortoise. Told the kids how you can tell of the tortoise is a boy or girl (eye color and the knot their shell for fitting on a girl turtle). You should have seen Sarah's face. Eyes got so big. It was very funny.

I finished cleaning up. I had to keep running around to catch the kids art that was getting blown around. But I collected what I could and brought it to Adam to distribute later.

I would go and collect what I could. And eventually I would go and drop things off at my car before heading to the lodge to clean.

This group was weirdly clean and neat. Didn't fill any trash cans? Bathrooms weren't soaked. It was very odd. But I did my best to still clean and make things nice for tomorrow.

I finished what I could and went to the office to chill. I would hang out for a while but when I checked the weather and saw a storm coming I decided to leave a little early. Joking with Elizabeth and Heather about the reason I had to leave was because of the fly in the office. Any good reason to go home.

I only had some traffic. But mainly the issue was people just coming over to my lane!! No warning!! Terrible. But I am a good driver and avoided them.

I got home at 415. And would spend some time putting things away before I started dying my hair.

I finally combined the last of my dyes. And would use a brush to put it on. Still stained my fingernails really bad. But its whatever.

James would come home and I was really happy to see them. They accidentally kissed my head on my hair dye and it was very funny.

James made me a grilled cheese and a salad. And went to record their podcast.

I would spend the evening just chilling. Hanging out. Enjoying the evening. But not really feeling like doing much of anything. Just a lazy evening.

Eventually James joined me in chilling. And after a bit I would go and finally wash the eye out of my hair. And so far I think it took really well. A very pretty shade. Though I think as I replenish my dye collection I'm going to go back to a dark dark green. It is probably my favorite tone on my hair.

Now we are hanging out and listening to the wind, I am not exhausted exhausted but I am tired. And feeling ready to sleep.

Tomorrow is another indigo group! This time 2nd graders. I hope that the weather doesn't mess it up for them. Fingers crossed.

After camp tomorrow I am also working at the museum. So it will be a really long day. But that is okay. I think it will be fun.

Sleep well everyone. I love you all. Goodnight! Be safe!

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sunflower-kisses · 10 months

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I am very thankful that David earns enough that I don't have to work. I can't imagine dealing with work with how much sleep I get lately. The baby is up every night about 4 or so hours after going to bed. She has molars coming in, and they kick her butt at night. I'm assuming it's at this time because the teething tablets are wearing off. Tonight, I offered her some motrin, and I think I got it before it got too bad. Normally, she's crying and rolling around and cranky. Tonight, she was just rolling and rubbing her cheeks. So we got up, got some motrin, changed her diaper and got her a bottle.

I'm hoping she goes right back to sleep, but she's usually up for at least 90 minutes to 2 hours. Each time. I'm really hoping 5 she does go back to sleep, it's like it was last night where she slept for almost 5 hours in her crib.

Moving her to her own room has been great so far, but teething has her extra clingy, so I spend , on average, 2-3 hours each night sleeping on her floor with her. Last week, it was pretty much all night. This week, she's doing a bit better. So fingers crossed it keeps on track or gets even better.

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anxiouspregnantlady · 4 months

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18+5

Yikes, time is going quick. I'm feeling very overwhelmed at the moment. This lil baby is probably the chillest aspect of my life right now. Been feeling her (!) move every day, pretty much anytime I lay down and am still I can feel movement. P still hasn't felt her move yet, her hand is so small lol and she can't wait more than 3 seconds.

Back to overwhelmed. Returning from the weekend is always a bit of a whirlwind. Also I've been waking up so tired, like dead to the world tired. Last night I slept at least 8 hours straight, which is amazing, but am still feeling like a large rock that should NOT be moved.

We had a midwife appointment last week and that went fine, baby is absolutely on track, looking forward a lot to the anatomy scan in a bit less than two weeks. Anxiety is slowly shifting towards labor/birth, though still very low, for which I'm grateful.

I'm feeling pensive at the fact that P is growing up so quick. She loves the book I got from the library, "You were the first", except she switches up the last page and says "You will always be MY first" instead of "THE first", which I find so cute. My love for her is overwhelming. Her need for me is overwhelming still. I'll disappear for 5 seconds and she'll pipe up, "Where's Mama?" This past weekend we took care of 3 kiddos for half a day, including a 6 month old, and P was acutely aware of my changed availability but actually very understanding and agreeable overall. She kept checking in on me and the baby and was very eager to help.

I'm mostly basking in the loveliness this season, as I had so badly wanted to. Just tired at the present moment and quite scattered. K is really looking forward to this baby too and I'm thrilled that we're able to anticipate this new human together. Maybe that sounds quite obvious but idk, couples aren't always in sync, and I think dads in particular can feel less permission to express or even feel their ambivalence. Even though ambivalence is fully warranted in this situation.

Today - work, FB marketplace sale, laundry, try and fix the cast iron pan :(, un-dye clothes that got stained red, goodwill dropoff?, strawberry scones, dinner - salmon, asparagus, soba, pick up P.

SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO!!! SO LITTLE ENERGY!

Oh ok, here is an actual symptom report. I am DIZZY. My blood pressure was UNDETECTABLE at my appointment because it was so LoWWWWW. So I'm eating lots of salt and drinking water, but mostly just trying to be safe. Interestingly, linea nigra is still very faint, not sure if it's changed from baseline (leftover from p). Headaches seem to have subsided. Tired. Ab muscles ache. Not too uncomfortable overall though, so very grateful for that.

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nathank77 · 5 months

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5/9/24

8:06 p.m Edited/Added to

So Erin canceled on me again..... she offered tomorrow but I have things to do. I can fit it in but I woke up at 3:30 for her to cancel on me and I had awful sleep last night.

I closed my eyes for over 2 hours and accomplished nothing...the first hour I was on Hydroxyzine 25mg and half a mg of xanax. And I know factually I did not sleep.

Then I opened my eyes and took a Benadryl 25mg. Closed my eyes at 7:39 a.m and next thing I knew it was like 9 a.m... I don't think I slept cause I didn't dream and that's my only give away except when hours ago by.. all I know is my eyes were closed for a very long time...

I popped another Hydroxyzine 25mg.. and slept until 3:30 p.m and I could have fallen back to sleep if I peeded and took another Benadryl but I woke up to make it to my 4:30 appt that Erin canceled last minute....

So today has just been awesome. I called an attorney and idk if they'll take my case but they might. I await them responding and the DHP got my Kristen report per the tracking number.

Bo4 is going awfully... and I'm pissed caused I only get two weeks of fun out of a 14 week rotation. I'm actually about to play something else bc I'm clearly wasting my time.

I'm miserable. Okcupid is okstupid... I'm fucking alone.

I really needed therapy.. but I mean tomorrow I was going to return shitty shoe soles that i replaced for my adidas and the hdcp bypasser that doesn't work... and pick up a chicken so I can stay in the house Saturday and Sunday. As well as pick up some perscriptions from cvs.. I probably won't bother with therapy tomorrow.

I'm on her schedule for today every week. Why can't she just honor that, I could have gotten a full night of sleep if I knew she was going to cancel.

Why doesn't anyone talk to me? Why am I so alone? Why is everything so shitty? Why can't I play bo4 when I'm trying just as hard as I do any other day?

Sunday I lose the bo4 day to mothers day bc it's, "easier" earlier in the day. Less sweaty people play and there are more lobbies. Beyond that I didn't go see my grandmother today.

Oh yea and I'm still hallucinating! Yay!

I'm also going to message someone on mother's day and worry she will block me but idk if shes here and it's important to me to say happy mother's day to her.

Beyond that, I have heart palpitations all the time. And sometimes chest pain now...Scheduling this mri is impossible idk how I'm supposed to get it done by the 28th and I have to wait for my cardiologist appt for over so month. I'm sick of taking care of myself for nothing.

I'm not joking I looked at settlement amounts and like people win millions and I don't even care.... nothing will give me my silence back. Nothing will give me my quality of life back.

I also don't have it in me to be rejected by 5000 therapists to replace Erin... so I may just see Mike once a week maybe twice if he can fit me in... and I'd rather see a female two days a week but I can't handle reaching out to 500 different therapists outing myself and being discriminated against.

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bornzmusic · 7 months

Text

Happy Birthday

Today is your birthday. You couldn’t even tell me anything to convince me I’d be sitting here writing this 7 days ago. 7 days ago I hadn’t even thought of you much for the past 4 years. 7 days ago I woke up, my only day off. I slept in till noon. I woke up with this longing for you, I felt it in my bones. How could I possibly still miss you? I layed in bed last Saturday with all my lights and clothes off. I layed there till 5 or 6 just thinking about you. At first I told myself I wasn’t going to give this thought much time but it would feel nice to remember what it was like to be held by you. From what was 5 minutes turned into 5 hours and I went from almost half a decade of never thinking of you to everything all at once. I fell asleep that night replaying all these memories stuffed so far down inside me I didn’t even think I had them. To no surprise I didn’t sleep much that night. I woke up again the next day, again I had felt the same way but even stronger. I felt it consuming me. I told myself, ok you have 2 days to think about this and come back to reality. So that’s what I did. Thought about you. To no surprise again, I was getting less sleep than the night before. Last night I think I slept 1-2 hours.

Here I am with my eyes burning and letting my fingers take over my body. Each day I grow more anxious. This morning I woke up with my head over the toilet. I didn’t think I could ever feel like this again. The last time I felt like this was maybe 7 years ago? I didn’t think you could still make me feel like this. How do you do it? How do you still have the same effect on me as you did 12 years ago? I hadn’t even given you so much as a passing thought when a song came on or I drove past the old places we used to go to. I usually will think about you for no more than 5 seconds and go about my day. I would have dreams about you here and there. For years, they would come and go. Each time, waking up confused as to why was this happening. You know what they say though, if you dream of someone it means they are thinking about you. I knew no matter how much time passed I was always going to dream of you. I’m not sure if it’s because my subconscious thinks we have unresolved business or if we are connected in all these lifetimes.

But not once did I let you consume me. I had a great track record and I thought for a while what was a childhood crush was just that. How do you hold this power over me? How are we able to be silent for years and yet here I am feeling like a little kid. You make me feel like a teenage girl all over again. My stomach is turning and my mind can’t shut off. Why? My life is so wonderful and I’m content with the person I’m with. I mean what more can I ask for? He does everything I could need and more. I love my life now. So why is there still a burning hole in my heart where I once left space for you? Why is it taking over my entire body? Why do I feel unfulfilled without you here? Am I just feeling sad for us and our story? Do I just like the anonymity of you? My brain can’t shut off. I think we would be better friends now than ever.

You would think I’m so different all while being the same. I don’t even cry much. I haven't even cried about this at all. I don’t even remember the last time I cried besides two nights ago when I was sitting at a table with some friends sharing a story about my past and it made them laugh so hard we were silent and crying. I wish you could’ve seen that moment. I needed to laugh so hard I cried. I don’t even know how to explain what I’m like. Calm maybe? God I’m falling asleep writing this. I’ve been thinking about what you’re like now? Are you still the boy with the brightest smile in the room? What car do you drive? How is your gluten allergy? Is Minnie still around? I’d be devastated if not. What do you like to eat? What is your favorite color? Who are your friends? Did you go to school? Where do you work? Do you still call your mom Ma? What do you like to do in your free time?

I can piece some things together on my own. Your new girl looks beautiful and kind. I love seeing you happy. Usually this news would seem like something I’d feel sorrowful over. But I don’t even feel that at all. I feel at peace knowing you are in good hands. She really seems lovely. You’d probably make fun of me for being with someone younger than me. You and I both understand why we couldn’t be friends. It ruined too many of your lovers. I can’t help but feel responsible for the last 2 relationships of yours ending. I feel sad for those girls. I couldn’t stand myself for a while. I know what they had felt all too well. You would laugh at how my other relationship ended. But that’s another story for another time. One I would have to tell you in person.

We never got the timing right did we? We always seemed to just miss each other? As long as I’ve known you, you have been in the arms of another. Some of them are my friends, some of them complete strangers. I’ve always been preoccupied too I guess. It’s scary how similar we are sometimes. Yet so different. Here I am, silently celebrating you on your birthday every year. Don’t think I have once forgotten. I always have celebrated you and I always will. Whether you hear from me or not, I will always do that for you. 24. You are 24. That means I have known you for half your life, and each day after this is more than. As I sit here thinking about your 24 years of life, I think about what I remember about you.

What do you remember? Do you remember walking through our 7th grade English teachers classroom and locking eyes with me. What I would do to rewind time. Do you remember getting seated at the same table as me? Of course you struck up a conversation with me. I don’t even remember what it was about but it certainly made me laugh. We even got in trouble for talking too much. Do you remember laying your head in between my lap at lunch time and I’d run my hands through your hair? Do you remember falling asleep on FaceTime and lighting shit on fire and your mom coming in to yell at you? Do you remember us playing blink 182 on the computer in my room? Do you remember walking with me home most days and spending afternoons at my house even when you could ride your skateboard home and be home in a couple minutes. Or when we would go to our mutual friends house and we watched stupid movies like sharknado and you snuggled up behind me under the blankets? That became our routine. Walk home from school, get into my bed and cuddle while watching a show or movie.

Do you remember trying to hold my hand every time we left my front door? You just said “let’s hold hands” and at the time I didn’t think anything more of it. God how I was so naive looking back now. I was convinced you didn’t even like me a single bit considering all I ever saw you was with my friends or other girls. Do you remember getting up in the middle of the night trying to look for me to give me your sweat pants but I was at someone else’s house and they had locked me in a bathroom and took my pants? I tried explaining that, but I think I was under the influence. I apologize for being incoherent. You still continued to look for me as if I was home. You ended up falling asleep in your moms car and you were late to math class the next day waiting for a response from me. You walked up to me the next day in our school hallways trying to get answers and I said “don’t worry about it.” And I tried to walk past you but you grabbed my arm and spun me around to look you in the eyes to tell me “well I am going to worry about it because I care about you.” I think I just rolled my eyes and walked away.

Do you remember me making eggs for you on toast? You acted like it was the best thing you’ve ever tasted. I still think about you when I make eggs. Do you remember I left school for months. And one day you texted me “when are you coming back I miss you” and I said “tomorrow”. How did you know? This is why I think we are connected. I think you thought I was joking, but the next day I was in your very same class. We actually sat through that entire class without you realizing I was there. I just remained silent and watched you from the other side of the classroom. I remember the day I came back to school was the day there was a test assigned. I got up from my seat to turn it in to our teacher and I remember you sat right next to his desk. I said thank you to our teacher and you looked up and our eyes locked. You started giggling because you couldn’t believe it. I think I just said “I told you” and walked back to my seat.

Days passed and we were still friends. You were a shit head sometimes but nonetheless friends. Do you remember FaceTiming me and my friend and you were drinking. You both were flirting. You ended up showing her parts of you on the screen. Forgetting I was on the other side too. I remember you asking me one day if I had seen it. You looked nervous. I lied and said no. You laughed in relief and said “good.” I remember a rumor getting spread around that someone saw us kiss on the way home from school. God I have never felt more embarrassed because that could not be anything father from the truth. I remember being in Mr Hill's class and he overheard this and just kept encouraging us to be together. He goes “oh you are perfect for each other”. He loved to embarrass me. My cheeks turned red and I tried convincing him that you and I were just friends. He just kept teasing me about it. What did he know about us? Could he feel it too? I remember friends coming up to always ask if we were something, I would always laugh and deny these claims. Because again you were always with a girl. I don’t even think I knew I liked you at that moment. Do you remember leaving your jackets at my house? Somehow they never returned to you? I tried so many times and you kept leaving without it. I’ll be honest, I slept with it for a while.

I remember you telling me you were leaving to move to Oregon. I honestly thought you were joking and couldn’t even fathom a world without you here. I mean you were a big reason why I continued to go to that school. The days crept up too fast and you were leaving. I remember it was your last day. It was on Halloween I think or maybe a few days before. You texted me asking if I was still at school and I said yes and you told me where to meet you. I think I ran to you. You took the books from my hands and picked me up and spun me. You held me close to your chest and my legs were wrapped around you with my head nuzzled into your neck. Who knows what we said to each other. I can’t remember. All I remember is walking away and feeling the earth move beneath me. The feeling of missing you had never been stronger than that moment it seemed.

I remember the day you left. I counted down every second. I could tell the girl I was friends with at the time, had a crush on you. She could see the way you looked at me though. She became resentful towards me over time. She hated the fact that after all this time you still were thinking about me. She hated that you trusted me. She hated me out of jealousy. I could see and understand now how she was so insecure. She started bullying me, she told me you had left when you didn’t. I was upset she took time away from me with you. I don't think she could’ve stood to watch us hug again. She started making up lies and stories about me to make herself feel better about herself. I just let her. You can’t win a battle against someone who is constantly losing with themselves. She hated whenever she brought around a guy she liked, we ended up getting along better. I can see why she was so mean towards me now. I see why she felt threatened. At the time I didn’t understand. She made her friends throw crinkled up balls at me in the school hallway. She hated my effortless understanding of life and the people around me. She hated that I was always calm and quiet and she couldn’t stop being loud. It all makes sense now when I put together the pieces.

After you left I remember you were driving to Oregon I think. You texted me all these things. I thought you were being silly per usual. I remember you texting me “let’s just text each other like we are dating” and you said the cutest things to me. I giggled the whole time not thinking much of it. I continued to sleep with your jacket. It brought me comfort because it smelt like you. Eventually I had to wash it because I wore it too much. But I was so sad to no longer have that. Every now and then I come across a person who smells exactly like you, my memories of you will flood my head for those seconds. I remember you telling me not to worry for you would be back in the summer and for some holidays. Do you still come and visit ? Sometimes I pretend you are here for a few weeks in the summer secretly hoping I’d run into you or pull up to the same stop light and we would look over at each other and smile. I sometimes wish I could just see you in the flesh, I don’t even have to talk to you. To see you existing would be enough. I would think about all those times in middle school where you take photos of me. Do you still have those? I remember you sending me one of them years later and not believing you had kept that same photo on your phone. Do you remember when I went to New York and brought you and only you a present. You loved the giant Rice Crispy and the Statue of Liberty headband I gave you. You had the biggest smile. You said this was the best gift you had ever gotten. I don’t think at that moment you knew you were giving me the best gift I’ve ever received right back to me. Your happiness and your smile.

Do you remember seeing me in the food court of our local mall and running to pick me up and spin me? Why did we always do that? Do you remember you picking me up to hug you and I wrapped myself around you for the first time and telling me that was the best hug you’ve ever gotten? Time passed and the distance between us was even further. You were adjusting to your new life all while mine was crumbling in front of me. I left that little friend group. One girl had a crush on me and the other girl was mad at her for liking me. They would fight about me. In front of me. Again here she was jealous that another person close to her was more intrigued by me than her. I decided to remove myself as that friendship no longer served me and it felt like she kept me close to keep an eye on me. Time after time she liked all these boys and they just ended up liking me. I didn’t ask for that. But I couldn’t repair the damage she did when she took precious moments away from me when it came to you. That’s where I gave up. I eventually left that school once again. I had forgotten about my entire life there.

I met up with one of our old friends and she had asked me how you were. I told her I didn’t know because we didn’t talk. She was confused. She thought we were so close, I think she said something along the lines of “oh I always thought you two were good together” I said “really?” Shocked and confused. She said “yes you both have the same eyes.” I thought about that very sentence for months. I thought about that picture of you as a little boy in your baseball uniform. I think it was on a button if I can remember. Time passed and you were adjusting to your new life. I heard one person tell me you had a girlfriend. I didn’t think anything of it, just good for him. I hope he’s happy. More time passed and eventually you showed up in our hometown. I hadn’t heard from you in a while. You FaceTimed me one night to ask to see me and you were with those friends that I had left. I don’t think you knew what happened at least to the full extent. I could hear them in the background laughing and saying hurtful things and my heart sank further into my chest. I hung up. I remember texting you to please stop and what you did was very hurtful and to not contact me again. I had blocked you from my life.

I was relieved to be honest. I just wanted the past in the past and to get away from those people. I think after that a few months passed and I realized I had feelings for you I couldn’t deny. I told myself in a year from now, if I still felt how I did about you I would tell you. I mean I gave myself a whole year to let those feelings go and yet they only grew stronger each day. I remember one night I couldn’t take it anymore. I had been losing sleep like I am today. I had to tell you. So I did and I didnt know you had a girlfriend at that time but I know you had to let me down easily. You told me you always considered me to be a good friend and honestly I wasn’t sad or anything about that. I didn’t even want anything from it. I just wanted you to know so I didn’t live in regret forever. Honestly after that I felt so free. I felt a weight off of me and I hadn’t thought about you any day after that.

A few months pass by and summer comes around. I don’t think I even knew you were coming. I had gotten back from a friend's house and was about to go back out to teepee a neighbor's house with my sister and her friends. I received a phone call from you asking me if you wanted to hang out. I said yes, me and my sister and her friends were going out to teepee so you should come. You headed to my house. It’s like we picked up right where we left off. You were more quiet than usual though. I picked up on that. We were headed out the door when you said you had forgotten your shoes in my room. I said no worries and I’ll wait for you at the door. You told me to come with you, so I did. I remember you stood in front of me and just wrapped your entire body around me and hugged me for what seemed like a lifetime. At that moment time was standing still. I could feel how warm you were and what your heartbeat sounded like. I melted under your touch. You took me and we fell onto my bed. Just like old times.

I remember you closed your eyes and laid on me for a while. To be honest I was just happy to be near you. I wasn’t expecting anything at all. I thought you had fallen asleep. You started to move your head little by little. Your lips eventually made its way to match with mine and you locked yourself onto me. Do you remember unbuttoning my pants and shoving your hand down. We continued to make out and I felt you needed more. Do you remember getting in your car and driving to the park after you said you wanted to get out of here. Do you remember fucking me on that park bench? Do you remember coming to my house day after day and pinning me against the wall in my bedroom and biting my lip? Do you remember breathing heavily down my neck as you kissed it and bit on my earlobe? Do you remember making your lips down my torso to rip off my pants and throw me onto my bed? I remember you kissing in between my thighs and shoving your fingers in me. I remember you throwing me around my bed. The same one we had become friends in. You would pin me down and pull my hair. Do you remember choking me while slamming yourself against me? Do you remember pulling me up on you? You stood up and would fuck me in the mirror. You would put me down and bury my face into the mattress while you brought your hips to meet mine. Do you remember playing Pink Floyd on your brother's record player? Which you had left yet another piece of you at my house. Do you remember taking naps all summer afternoon? Do you remember going with my sister to the grocery store to pull me aside into an abandoned aisle to stick your hands down my pants and start fingering me?

Do you remember me sitting in the passenger seat of your dads Cadillac suv and holding my hands wherever we drove? Do you remember kissing me at all the red lights? Do you remember tracing my face with your fingertips lightly. I pretended I was asleep. Do you remember kissing my face for what seemed a billion little times. Do you remember driving to Malibu and we stopped on the side of the road to look at the sunset? You put me on your back and you ran down the sandy beach into what felt like a dream. Do you remember bringing me into your grandparents house on 32nd street I think and pushing me onto the bed to eat me out? Do you remember gently kissing me on the forehead and telling me you don’t know what you would do without me? Do you remember kissing me in the doorway each time you had to go back home? Do you remember taking me to the park by my house and laying me in your lap? I remember looking up at you, you were on your phone. You showed me something on your phone and a text popped up from a girl saying “I miss you”. I kept quiet because it honestly didn’t bother me but who am I to know who that was? My friends had suspicions and I had told them to check your finsta from my account to see if you had a girlfriend. I couldn’t bear to know what was the truth. I didn’t want to see it. I still can’t look at your social media to this day. So much time had passed from when I heard you had a girlfriend I didn’t want to create assumptions and think the worst. Part of me just wanted to hold on to this fairytale for a little while longer. My friend had looked at me and said “I’m not going to say anything to you because who knows if they broke up but it does look like he had/has a girlfriend”. And honestly I said whatever and ignored it. I wasn’t going to believe anything until I heard it from you. Does it make me a bad person that I honestly didn’t care if you did or didn’t? Eventually she came to town I guess? That’s ok I had plans of my own too.

I remember going to Palos Verdes and getting stuck in a situation where a guy had left a hickey on my neck. You seemed upset and fucked me harder than before and left more marks all over my body. I think you were trying to tell me that I was yours for that summer. I remember you picking me up one night and I snuck out and we drove to a quiet place in my neighborhood. You brought blankets and pillows and laid down the seats in the back of that suv. You laid out all the blankets and told me to hop over the seat. We just laid together. I remember you asking if I was real and how was I real? You said I was so perfect. You touched each body part as you described it. You said you didn’t believe it. One day you asked if I was wearing a bra under my shirt and I said no and you said that even your boobs sit perfectly. You just kept touching me and putting your hands all over me that night. Probably knowing it would be one of the last. You kept saying all these sweet things to me. Do you remember that pact you made with me when we were 12? That we would marry each other if both of us weren’t married when we were 30? I asked if you still remember saying that to me, you were the one who had set that plan up not me. I don’t remember your answer but I thought it was funny.

Eventually we ended up ripping each other's clothes off and falling asleep completely naked next to each other in the back of that car. The first and only night I got to spend with you. I set an alarm to wake me up so I could be back in my house without anyone noticing. I told you I was leaving and going to walk but you insisted on driving me. I know you were so tired you just went back to that spot in my neighborhood and fell asleep. To be honest no one checked on me that day so we could’ve spent the morning together too. I remember you eventually went back home and kept in contact. You confessed some things to me and told me “I don’t want you to think I would do something like that. That’s not me. But the only reason I cheated on my girlfriend was because it was you.” You begged me to understand you were not that person. I didn’t care anyways. That was the only time you spoke to me about her. You said you both had been fighting a lot and things weren’t getting better and that before you came to California you spent a lot of time thinking about me and then when you saw me you couldn’t help yourself. I laughed at your explanation. As if you owed me one. As if I deserved one. I think I just told you “it’s ok you don’t have to explain yourself” and we left it at that. We continued to talk and FaceTime. I don’t think we expected it to go anywhere but we did enjoy each other's company.

A couple weeks before you returned for thanksgiving you had texted me. You said you were so excited to be coming back and that you wanted to spend every day with me. You sounded so happy and excited. I wanted that too. I’ll admit I was hoping for that. I thought you were a man of his word. The day comes when you arrive here. I knew you were in town. I kept quiet but I was waiting for a phone call, a text, anything. Days keep passing. Not a word. You are posting videos of you drinking with your friend Joseph. I just didn’t understand. I understood not wanting to see me, I just didn’t understand why you would tell me you wanted to and act like it’s the one thing you’ve been dying to do. The night before you left you called me to see me. I got into your car. I was quiet. You were quiet. You drove us to the water. You picked me up and sat me on the railing. You put your body between my legs and held onto me. I don’t remember much conversation. You asked me “what are you thinking about” I just said “nothing”. How do I even begin to articulate what I was thinking? Part of me was just enjoying this embrace we shared knowing this felt like the end of something that never even started. Part of me was sad you were going home. Part of me wanted to see you again in the morning before you left. Part of me wanted to be frustrated. I loved you so much and I didn’t know how to say that I didn’t want to let this go. But I know I needed to and honestly a part of me was ok with that too. You picked me up off the railing and it started to rain. You put me in the backseat of your car and started making out with me. Shoving your tongue further and further down my throat. You hopped in the driver seat. You took the car to an abandoned alley and put the back seats down once again and laid out your blankets. You asked me to lay with you. Always listening to Pink Floyd. You wanted to do more. I couldn’t, it was my time of the month. You still didn’t care. I was just thinking where the hell will I put my tampon. We ended up making out. This felt more intense than ever. I started kissing your neck. I got on top of you. I kissed your face. Then your neck. Then your chest. Then your stomach. The lower I got the slower my kisses got. I remember you finishing in my mouth and telling me you have never finished harder in your life. I remember you dropping me off immediately after that. I felt used. I felt discarded. I still tasted you in my mouth. I immediately went to brush my teeth.

Thank god we never turned into anything. I was a shitty person then. You would’ve hated me forever. I eventually let go and turned to other people. God why does it feel like everything after you was a distraction. I ended up with shitty relationships. You ended up in a wonderful one. Days passed and I had other people to worry about. The next summer came around and I asked to see you. I can’t remember what we talked about, I'm assuming closure, I can’t remember a single thing I said to you. I remember needing to feel the relief again that I once felt when I had originally confessed my feelings to you. There I was with my stomach turning upside down and inside out. How can a single man I barely talk to do that to me? You have always made me weak. We went to dinner, but I couldn't eat. I was texting my boyfriend and you looked over and said “look at us texting our significant others'. I again, had no idea you had a girlfriend. I felt awful. I felt confused. Should I be here with you? I don’t remember much about that night except you asked to use my bathroom before you went back home. I said I had a letter for you. I know I gave it to you. But god do I feel so fucking stupid for doing that. I don’t even know what was in that letter. If you still have that please throw it away, that's so embarrassing. I don’t even know if I was coherent during that? What the fuck did I even have to say!! I can’t remember a single thing.

You went home and texted me saying thank you for the letter and asked to go to the beach the next day. We did that. We went in the water together. Not much happened. I went back to your house for you to shower and change and then you drove me back to mine. I’ve never felt more distant from you than those moments. We felt like strangers. I think I was ok though. I remember when you also met my ex boyfriend. It was so awkward I can’t even believe that’s a real story and that actually happened. I don’t even think you guys talked, we didn’t even talk. We were all just at Taylor’s house watching vines on tv. You came as quickly as you left. I must admit my ex hates me for doing that but I couldn’t help but laugh at that situation. I again wanna die from embarrassment. Time passes and you start talking to me again. You start getting close with me again. I suspected something had happened in your relationship. I believe from what she was telling our friends that you lied to her about me. I remember thinking, is he ok? Is she ok? Are you both ok? You kept talking to me. You asked me to come visit and we can go to Portland. Of course I would’ve, I would’ve walked to you if you wanted me to. You grew close with me again. I must admit I felt satisfied.

More time passes and it seems as if you were back with her again. I didn’t get sad, I was just happy I could help you fulfill any moment of loneliness. I think you always knew I’d be there no matter what. I couldn’t say the same for you. I’m not even sure why you wanted to see me or how we even made these plans for all 3 of us to go get boba. But that happened. I paid for all of us. I loved seeing you happy. I felt content. She was lovely too, I think despite you we actually would’ve been good friends. Somehow we made it back to your house, after that long and awkward car ride. I must say she didn’t seem thrilled to hear me speak or talk to me. I was honestly wanting and willing to put all of that shit behind me and just be both of your friends. I wanted to get along. But I understand she didn’t want me there and 3s a crowd. I can’t even imagine how she must’ve felt. I felt sad for her. I wanted to cheer her up and let her know she had nothing to worry about. She seemed hostile towards me so I just kept quiet to get through the night. We were all on your couch with more of our friends and your brother and his friends. There was a small group of people there. I kept to myself most of the time. You came over to me for a little to talk but not much about.

Your brother and I made eye contact and he came over to talk to me. We struck up a good conversation and we shared a few smiles and laughs. I honestly thought you were so invested into your own conversations I didn’t even think you noticed the one I was having with your brother. I eventually just wanted to leave and called an Uber to go home. I told you I was headed back home and you went up to say goodbye to me. You gave me a hug and whispered in my ear “if you ever screw my brother I will never forgive you” I just looked at you like wtf. Why would I ever do that or want to? I didn’t even think about that. Why did you care even if I wanted to? You were with a lovely girl. Anyways I was on my way back home and I guess you made your way into the bedroom with your girlfriend. You kept snapchatting me asking as to where I went and to come back. I think you were drinking. While you were naked in bed with your girlfriend. You kept asking me to come back. I kept politely declining. You ended up sending me a picture of her tit??? I’ve never been more confused. I think I just laughed and went to bed.

Again more time passes between us. Those guys at your house that night ended up trying to talk to me over Instagram, I thought it was funny. How every man in that room seemed to want me except the one I wanted. Days, weeks, months pass by. You’re in town again. Do you remember coming to YardHouse where I was having dinner with my friend? We all somehow ended up at your place once again. With every one of my friends. Every girl showed up. You were the only guy. You kept to yourself. But god I couldn’t feel more sorry for the girl you were with. Why was I the only person in that room considering her feelings? Did she know? I felt awful. I wanted to give her a hug. Did she know what you were doing when she wasn’t around? You played music and got up to dance, you made me dance with you in the living room. I couldn’t help but giggle at this. I loved dancing with you. I went home again and your lover returned. I’m not sure about the timeline here but you asked me to hang out one night and I drove over to your house. The first time I had had my own car to do so. We ended up picking up our friend that you had no idea I knew too. You asked me how I knew everyone. The answer is idk. Or we just are the same and draw to the same people. We all got along. We went back to your place. It was honestly fun. I found out that day that she had kissed you too. When I left that summer to go to Arizona you ended up making out with her. I honestly found it funny and made a joke about being Eskimo sisters and she goes woah. We didn’t go that far. She just looked at me and asked if we fucked , I stayed silent and looked at you not knowing if you wanted people to know and you jumped in eagerly to say yes. I felt like you were proud of that. I didn’t tell anyone. Not a single soul from our hometown. She looked at both of us and said we would be cute together. I was so far past thinking anything like that I just shook my head.

Funnily enough your girlfriend called at that moment. You told us to be quiet. We both stared at each other and laughed and were whispering like wtf? I was having fun, I must say. Your girlfriend was coming in from the airport I believe and you were going to pick her up. Our friend asked why we had to be quiet? You said because she didn’t like us and especially me? I was so confused. Our friend chimes and asks why she wouldn’t like me? You had told her “just look at her. She’s beautiful.” I had never heard that come out of your mouth. Our friend had agreed. She admitted when I started going to our school she saw me in the hallways and thought I was beautiful too. I smiled. I was also sad for your girlfriend again. Were we together and you hid it from her? She had no idea? She probably still doesn’t. I felt like I was doing something wrong. Eventually our friend had to leave. She said her goodbyes and for once in many years we were alone in a room together again.

I left shortly after. When I went to say goodbye I expected a light hug. Knowing it was wrong for us to be in the same room alone for too long. As I went in for our hug you held me for a while. You picked me up and squeezed me as tight as you could. For a long time. I remember time was standing still once again and I remembered what it was like to feel the warmth of your body and your heartbeat that sounded like my favorite familiar song. I think you pulled back and just looked at me. I felt like you wanted more but again you were hard to read. I said “see you in a few years”, making a joke knowing we didn’t really see each other often and when we did it was short. I was trying to make light of our silly little friendship. Not knowing the next time I would see you. Knowing our interactions are few and far in between. Had I known that was the last time I was going to see you for a long time I might’ve held onto that hug a little longer.

A year or two passes by and you come back to town. I remember being just a street over from your house and you asked “hey I’m in Newport for the week if you want to hang. No worries if not I get it.” I remember seeing that text pop up on my screen and instantly my heart started beating. My eyes went wide. It was really the first time you texted me. You usually call. Were you scared to hear my voice? This felt formal. I like to hear from you. I like the idea of you thinking of me. I like you going out of your way to see me. I slept on it, because I didn’t know what I wanted to say. Once again I didn’t know if you were still with the same girl. Did she know you wanted to see me? Was there going to be a bunch of people again? Honestly all I wanted was quality time but you always brought other people around. I understand now why. Maybe it made you feel less guilty for seeing me. Maybe it was hard not to say what we were thinking. I just kept thinking. What did you want to do? Where did you want to go? Again we always missed each other in timing. I had just gotten out of a relationship and back into one. I owed it to him to give this relationship a chance. One where I didn’t feel guilty. Knowing my feelings for you never fully goes away. I just shove them so far down my body that I accept your friendship as a compromise. Being your friend was good enough. If I couldn’t have you, I wanted someone else to.

I just wanted to be able to see you happy. So I couldn’t. Part of me thought oh we are just going to hang out for an hour with a bunch of people so why even bother. It’s not quality time. I couldn’t risk an hour with you to feel a lifetime of guilt with this new person I was with. I didn’t want to lie to him either and I certainly didn’t want to tell the truth about you either. I can’t lie. I can’t lie to people, I’m so goddamn bad at it everyone sees right through me. I contemplated it the whole night. Ultimately I told you I couldn’t and I was busy. Which I was busy. But to be honest for you I drop everything. That’s the last time we spoke. I so badly just wanted you to cave in and respond “pleasseeeeeee” but I know that’s not you. I probably would’ve caved at some point. I can’t help but to think now what we would’ve done and how that would’ve played out. I looked different. My teeth were different. My clothes, my hair, my skin, my everything. Would we still be talking now if I said yes? Would you still be in my life or would it have ultimately lead to our silence. We were always good at that. Silence. Silence is very loud, I’ve learned that now.

To be honest if I saw you today I’m not sure if I would even want to talk. I’d probably just want to be silent and enjoy your company. But as I sit here and reflect on your life and how I got to be apart of it. It’s not even the moments where we were undressed together that I felt the most intimate with you. It’s the moments where you would take my hand and flip it open and kiss the palms of my hand. Or how you would protect me when we were walking on the side of the road. Or how clumsy I am and how I would fall and you were so quick to catch me. Or how I accidentally bled on your pants oh my god that’s still so embarrassing. Or how I can’t even think around you, I get flustered, I sound like an idiot. There’s so many things. How did I store this all in my head? Do you still smell like Fiji? I can’t even remember what your voice sounds like. I don’t even know where that one photo of us went? Did I give it to you? Did I throw it away? I donated your jackets and threw away my journals. Oh how it would be funny to reread my thoughts about you when I was 12. Do you have the Pink Floyd record or do I still have it somewhere? I remember buying it. I remember picking it out in Northern California on a street market on a Wednesday in the summer. How did I still feel this way about you after knowing all the skeletons in your closet? I know so much shit that you have done and usually that’s enough for me to be uninterested in someone. But you are somehow different. I just want more.

Sometimes I wish I could just call you, I wish I could write you a letter. I don’t even know where you live. I don’t think I want to. I don’t write any more. This is the first thing I’ve written in 4 years. I haven’t played any of my instruments. I haven’t drawn or painted a single thing. I’m going to be honest, I haven't even listened to music since last week. Maybe I’m just too busy or maybe I just know those outlets make me feel something I didn’t want to anymore. I remember you sitting in front of my drawings I put under the window seal of my wall that first summer. You asked me “what do these mean to you?” I think you know what they meant but I responded with “nothing I just drew them.” You look frustrated. You looked like you wanted an explanation.

I’m coming to Bend soon and other parts of Oregon. Not for you but my friends that have a house there. My other friends are getting married and moving there too. I have a feeling I’ll be spending more time there. Sometimes I wish you would come back and show up at my door and just give me a hug. Sometimes I wish I received a letter or a text from you. I still live in the same place. We remodeled. It looks different and I’m in a different room. But these corners of this house haunt me with memories of you. I still sleep on the same bed and mattress we had fallen asleep on over the past decade. I didn’t realize that till last night. Sometimes I stare at my phone screen hoping a notification would pop up from you once more. Sometimes I wish you would call and leave a message, I’m asleep usually past 12. I think you would really like my life now. I don’t even think you are reading this. I don’t even think you remember what this page is. I don’t even think we would be good together right now either. I’m hoping you come back to this page. Whether it’s now or in 5 years from now when we pinky promised to marry each other when we are 30 if we are still single. Whether it’s in 10 years or even 50.

Your friendship has brought me glorious technicolor to even the darkest days. And no matter who you are with, what you are doing and where you are. I will always, completely, utterly, and hopelessly be in love with you

0 notes

lilyevanstan1325 · 9 months

Text

🔥 Dangerous Game 🔥

Chapter 11

Amaya POV

"Shit!" I exclaim.

"I feel like my head is going to explode at any moment"

I sigh without patience.

Nat and I are viewing all the video from the Triskelion surveillance cameras plus footage from all the neighboring streets.

We have been working on it relentlessly for 15 days now and nothing new has come up.

"Keep calm snow.I'm sure we'll find something” Nat reassures me.

Her eyes, just like mine, are red and tired too.

Even if in recent days Lucas has often stopped by to give us a hand, a gesture that the Russian and I appreciated, we are equally tired and exhausted.

James, on the other hand, is a little less happy with Lucas' presence but he too accepted willingly in the end, especially because he understood that his help is really coming in handy.

"Good news!" exclaims Lucas entering the meeting room of the Avengers Tower, where Natasha and I now practically live relegated to monitors and files.

He hands me a cup of hot black coffee and does the same with Nat.

I take a sip moaning with pleasure.

Last night I only slept for four hours and now at 7:00 am I already have 2 hours of videos seen and reviewed.

An agony.

"What's going on Scott?" Natasha asks after taking a generous sip of coffee.

"I discovered something about our friends in the red balaclava" he exclaims proud of himself.

"Really?" I exclaim excitedly.

This could be the first good track in 15 days.

"Mmh mmh" Lucas nods absently as he pulls dozens of files out of his briefcase.

I observe his movements with rapture.

The hands with long and thin fingers move with dexterity and elegance.

His square jaw is relaxed, his eyes bright and red from all the sleep he's losing from this case.

Lucas puts all the files on the table and pushes them towards us with his hand.

I grab one and open it.

Jhon Evans, former military man.

I take another one.

Robert Newton, former Navy Seal Corporal.

Christopher Miller former General of the United States Army.

I look at Natasha who returns my gaze, we are both visibly confused.

"What do you think these men have in common?" Lucas asks us, he does not seem willing to reveal anything to us on the contrary it seems that he wants us to understand it by ourselves.

"Are they all ex-military?" I answer uncertain.

Lucas nods.

"They are all ex-soldiers who in the last 5 years have all been hired by the same private security company"

"I'm sorry but I still don't understand" intervenes Natasha.

“I did some research and found out it's a fictional company.A cover.These men have never worked a single day in private security in the past 5 years" Agent Scott explains.

"And?What do these men have in common and the ones you and Rumlow fought that night at the Triskelion?" I urge to continue, my leg under the table began to jerk frantically.

“They are the same men.

These, my dear ladies, are the true identities of the men with the red balaclavas”

“It can't be possible” I murmur.

I grab the files that were delivered to us from the morgue and those brought by Lucas.

I compare some photos.

These men look alike but they don't seem to be them.

Lucas sees the doubt in my eyes and answers me even before I can ask.

"If we compared the photos with any software of S.H.I.E.L.D. it would turn out that they are not the same people for one simple reason...because these men have another thing in common..."

Lucas grabs some medical file from his briefcase and throws them on the table.

“All these men have undergone minor plastic surgeries.Nose reduction, ear repositioning, mentoplasty.Small changes that would have allowed them to no longer be recognizable, would always have been theirs but if subjected to facial recognition no one would ever have been able to identify them.And strange coincidence, these surgeries were all carried out by the same surgeon, another former General of the US Army who unfortunately was found dead in unknown circumstances ten days ago"

Natasha is speechless.

“So they also changed the name to be able to become ghosts” I'm finally starting to realize.

"Exactly" exclaims Lucas.

“Oh my God Lucas!You're a genius”

I feel excited, maybe we can do it.

I turn quickly towards him throwing my arms around his neck, he returns the squeeze laughing.

A footstep catches our attention, Steve and Bucky appear on the threshold of the door and witnessed the entire scene.

James's eyes glow with fury.

Shit.

I detach myself from Lucas's arms as if nothing had happened.

Because basically nothing happened.

We are friends, good friends and we are just working together.

“Guys, we have great news.Perhaps we have found a concrete lead to follow.It was Lucas who really found it” I explain to the boys as I approach them.

Steve smiles at me and then reaches out to Nat and gives her a sweet kiss.

James continues to look at me with his clenched jaw.

His gaze makes me feel small and helpless, it makes me feel guilty even though I haven't done anything wrong.

I prefer not to push it any further so I keep talking about the latest discoveries made.

We expose it all to the boys and repeat it all when Tony and Bruce join us.

"Who is in charge of this private security company?" Steve asks, voicing the question that each of us is asked.

“His name is Richard Masen.Born and raised in California.But he has only one problem...he died in 1953" Lucas sighs.

"Identity theft.Typical” grumbles Bucky.

"Exactly" Agent Scott echoes as he continues.

“I did every possible search and found nothing, no links.Richard was a simple farmer.No heir, his closest relative is a distant cousin of his mother who lives in Europe"

"We are at a standstill" I exhale wearily pinching the base of my nose between my fingers.

I feel like an epic headache is about to explode in my head.

"Nothing is lost" Tony encourages us.

"We have more information than we had yesterday and I'm sure there is something in those videos, a detail, that escapes us.Let's get back to work, come on guys”

So let's all start working together again.

"Shit!" Tony suddenly exclaims.

"What happens?" Steve asks him.

“Oh nothing.The paper ran out in the printer just as I was about to print the last file"

Tony is about to get up but I stop him with a wave of my hand.

"I'm going to the warehouse" I immediately volunteer.

"Are you sure kid?" Tony asks.

"Yes, I need to stretch my legs and have another coffee" I answer, turning my gaze just to see James who is intent on checking files with Steve.

I go away puffing imperceptibly.

He's been ignoring me for hours now.

Stupid idiot.

I head to the kitchen and after retrieving another cup of coffee I go to the room used as a warehouse.

I enter and turn on the light.

The closet is small and full of shelves where hundreds of stationery items are displayed.

With my eyes I look for reams of paper and after a few moments I find them.

I approach the shelf and placing my coffee on the nearby shelf I rise on tiptoe raising my arms to grab a stack but suddenly the light goes out.

I swear mentally thinking that the light bulb has gone out when suddenly I feel a hand pressing hard on my mouth.

The sheets slip from my hands and spread all over the floor.

"Don't scream" whispers a warm voice in my ear.

I relax immediately when I realize whose cold fingers are resting on my lips.

Fingers in Vibranium.

I get away from his grasp in a bad way.

"What do you want?" I spit angrily looking for the light switch along the wall.

“I came to help my girlfriend” he says simply.

As if everything was okay, as if he hadn't spent the last three hours ignoring me.

Finally I find the switch and turn the light back on.

"Oh really?Am I your girlfriend now?" I answer sarcastically.

Bucky approaches me, our chest almost touch.

"Oh c'mon...don't do that" he bends down to kiss me but I escape his touch.

“No Bucky, that's not how it works!I want to be treated with respect!The fact that I allow you to tell me or do certain things to me in our intimacy does not authorize you to treat me like a whore in our relationship.You can't pick up and fuck me when you feel like it.You can't pretend for hours that I don't exist and then expect me to fall at your feet just for your stupid whim” I spit the words out in anger, he looks at me as if he doesn't understand what I'm talking about.

He stands in front of me again raising his hand and placing it on my face.

"I'm sorry doll.I'm an idiot.Forgive me”

I remain staring at him with my arms crossed in front of my chest, my sharp gaze fixed and emotionless planted in his gaze.

He raises his arms to the sky.

“Ok I was a jerk.Is that okay?" he tells me letting his arms fall along his body.

"James..." I sigh but he cuts me off immediately.

"I'm jealous.I feel devoured by jealousy knowing that you are close to that man"

James can't hold my gaze and turns his towards the door.

"I'm afraid that sooner or later you will realize that you have chosen the wrong man.He is perfect.Flawless.An agent and a model man with his stupid briefcase and his stupid tie.With that stupid face of him”

His words are full of anger.

"I hate to see him buzzing around you, always ready to touch you at any opportunity"

I smile amused raising an eyebrow.

"What do you find funny?" he asks me in an offended tone.

“Lucas never even touched me with a finger.Earlier I was the one who hugged him, I was excited about the new findings on the case and I let myself go.But I assure you that there was nothing romantic about my gesture"

I grab his hands and put them on my hips, mine are fastened behind his neck.

His gaze is still unsure.

“Lucas and I are just good friends.I had my chance to get him but I chose you.I will always choose you"

"He is in love with you.I see it.I get it from the way he looks at you”

His words are just a soft whisper.

"But I love you James"

His gaze softens and I take the opportunity to kiss him.

A sweet kiss.

"How about you drop everything tonight and I take you out to dinner?" Bucky asks me suddenly with enthusiasm and a pinch of hope.

“James…it doesn't seem like the right moment…”

“My little robin you has been ignoring me for more than a week.In the evening you come to my bed at unrealistic times and turn your back on me.You don't let me touch you anymore…and I'm not talking about sex.Neither a kiss nor a caress.I feel like you are slipping through my fingers…” he murmurs on my lips.

"I'm sorry.My head is in the air…too many agents have died, too many innocents.We must hurry to find a solution otherwise there will be more victims.I will have other innocents on my conscience..."

"Amaya if you continue at this rate you will go crazy.You have to stop.Nobody will tell you anything.And I'm not saying that because I want to have sex with you!I say this because I want to see you peaceful.I want to see you smile again”

“I'm so stressed out” I whimper bringing my hands to my face rubbing my eyes hard.

“I know doll, I know.For this you need a few hours of leisure.We are all in the same situation but we try to move forward by finding a foothold in the little things.You know Steve and Nat spend a few hours on the terrace every night, hugging each other enjoying the view.Tony and Pepper watch a different movie every night, snuggled on the sofa.Each of them seeks comfort in their partner so as not to go crazy...Amaya, you are the only one who is pushing the limits...you behave as if everything depended on you.You do not have to carry all the weight on your shoulders, we are a team and in a team we help each other.Let someone else take care of it for a few hours”

I sigh wearily.

After all, Bucky is right.

"What do you think?You all dolled up for me and I take you out for a diner, for a dance.Just a little time for us.Agreed?"

Bucky's sweet voice prompts me to accept.

"I'm in" I reply smiling at him.

"I'm sure it will do me good to switch off my brain a little" I add.

Bucky walks up to me again, his arms closing around my waist.

I rest my hands on the back of his neck playing with his hair.

He reaches down and kisses me, his tongue enters my mouth massaging mine.

A sweet, sensual kiss.

Bucky's Vibranium hand grabs the flesh of my hip while the other grazes my belly and then slips inside my pants.

I just flinch as his fingers brush my pussy through the fabric of my panties.

"What are you doing?" I moan on his lips.

Bucky pushes his lips away from mine and rests his forehead on mine.

“I help you to relax.Believe me you'll feel better later”

His voice is low, hoarse.

I close my eyes and surrender to his touch.

His fingers continue to massage my clit through the thin fabric then he takes his hand out of my pants and a moment later he slips it back between my legs but this time inside my panties.

He presses his big palm against my clit and I, prey to a primal instinct, begin to move my hips rubbing my sex against his hand.

He stands still and lets me give myself pleasure.

He is letting me choose what I want.

I keep moving and the gentle friction of my pulsating clit on his rough, callused palm makes me roll my eyes.

We are still front to front.

I begin to gasp against his mouth.

I feel so free right now.

It seems that every thought has disappeared from my head.

My beautiful Sergeant was right, I feel much better.

My hands are still on his neck and I pull him more towards me.

Panting I whisper on his lips "Sir please...use your fingers"

Bucky's mouth crashes into mine claiming a kiss of pure lust, all teeth and tongues.

Continuing to keep his palm still, he sticks two fingers inside me.

I grab his wrist and push his hand.

"Push deeper" I order and he obeys.

His fingers push to the bottom moving with decision.

My legs are shaking but Bucky's Vibranium arm holds me up and keeps me straight.

I feel a fire starting from the center of my body and radiating along my whole being.

We moan mouth to mouth regardless that anyone joining us can hear us.

I close my eyes and throwing my head back I cum murmuring his name.

Bucky removes his hand from my pants and brings it to his lips, licks his palm while his eyes remain chained to mine.

His beautiful sky-blue eyes now look almost black, darkened by the passion that devours them.

I grab his wrist again and lick at the same time he does, our tongues meet on the skin of his palm.

Then I slip my hand into my panties and after wetting my finger in my sweet moisture I bring it to his lips that he opens pliable.

I feel his tongue curl around my finger and suck.

We both moan in ecstasy.

“I love you James.I'm sorry I neglected you” I whisper after taking my finger out of his mouth.

His eyes are burning, flames of pure greed dance within them.

“Don't think about it anymore my little robin.I love you and I just want your serenity”

Bucky's arms close around my body, rocking me in a hug that makes me feel safe.

It makes me feel protected.

"My coffee will be cold by now" I mutter on his chest.

I hear his laughter vibrate in my ear.

"It's better that way.You've been drinking too much coffee lately” he lovingly scolds me.

"That's not true" I protest, looking into his eyes.

Bucky raises an eyebrow skeptically.

“Don't make that face!This was just the second coffee"

"Amaya...are you kidding me?"

“Ok ok!It was the third" I reply but his eyebrows now both rise upwards.

“Ok!Was it the fifth, you are happy now?"

I walk away from him huffing and starting to pick up the papers from the floor.

Bucky bends to his knees to help me.

Once finished we join the others in the meeting room.

"Good time Snow!Were you lost?" Tony tells me in an amused tone.

I know where he wants to go.

"Tony shut up" I answer passing him by and giving him a playful shoulder.

Lucas's eyes stop in mine for a moment but they have the power to make me embarrassed.

He knows why I wasted my time, he understood it.

“Leave them alone Tony!They are lovebirds and it is normal for them to jump on each other every moment" says Sam with a wink at Stark.

Bucky rolls his eyes.

"Oh that's fine with me...as long as you clean up after that" Tony retorts with a shrug.

We all burst out laughing.

Except for Lucas, his eyes remain glued to some papers he holds in his hand.

"You're disgusting Stark" Natasha replies, who then winks at me.

"Ok now it's enough" I raise my voice to make me hear between laughter.

Bucky walks past me and slaps my ass.

"Let them have fun doll" he whispers in my ear.

And I turn red from head to toe.

"Idiot" I murmur under my breath rolling my eyes.

As lunchtime arrives, the room begins to empty.

It's just me, Nat and Lucas left.

I approach my best friend.

"Hey Nat, is it a problem for you if I go away for a couple of hours tonight?I know we're overworked but…”

She cuts me off right away.

"Honey, there's no problem.If you hadn't asked me tonight I would have told you about it.I see you too tired, stressed out.You need a break”

I sigh at my friend's words.

"That's the same thing Bucky told me" I admit.

"So night of pure and wild sex?" winks Nat in my direction.

Lucas's head turns towards us and when he realizes that I'm watching him, he brings his attention back to the videos he was watching but by listening, I can understand it from the stiffness in his posture.

“Bucky wants to take me out to dinner.A nice thing.Romantic I suppose”

I shrug because I actually don't know what awaits me for the evening.

“And rough sex at the end of the night” laughs Nat.

I laugh with her.

"Obviously" I reply with a wink.

We laugh again.

Lucas' voice puts an end to our laughter.

"I have to go.I will keep you informed in case of news.Bye”

He doesn't even wait for our answer, he turns his heel and leaves.

"Ouch...he didn't take it so well" chuckles Natasha.

“I'm sorry but he knows very well we're just friends”

“Really Snow?You will be his friend but he is in love with you” my friend points out.

"I know" I sigh.

"Come on forget about it!Go get ready and make yourself beautiful for your evening, I'll finish here" Nat tells me pushing me towards the door.

"Are you sure?" I ask her.

As happy as I am to spend some time alone with Bucky, I feel guilty about leaving my position.

"For the love of heaven Amaya!Go!"

I roll my eyes as I walk to my room.

"Yes ma'am" I answer her.

I feel thrilled and excited about the evening that awaits me more than I want to admit.

Bucky POV

"Is it alright pal?" Steve asks me, distracting me from my thoughts.

"Sure" I reply as I resume hitting the punching bag rhythmically.

After Amaya and I returned to the meeting room where everyone else was, we got back to work.

She continued to smile at me all the time, every time our eyes met a very sweet smile was painted on her lips.

My little robin is really beautiful.

And I'm not the only one who thinks it.

I have often bitten Scott to stare at my girlfriend for too long and it freaks me out.

I believe her when she tells me they're just friends.

My problem is that he doesn't see her as a friend, he is still in love with her.

We are now in the training room because Steve asked me if I wanted to keep him company.

I hit the sack violently imagining it's Scott's stupid face.

"Take it easy Buck" reminds me Steve.

"I'm fine.I just need to let off steam.I punch the sack and save his face, a great compromise” I gasp as I punch another volley at the poor sack which dangles dangerously as if it wanted to detach itself from the ceiling.

“You have no reason to be jealous.You know Amaya is crazy about you” Steve points out as he wipes his sweat.

I stop and grab the bag with both hands to stop his swinging motion.

“I know but it's not easy.How would you react if Nat worked closely with a man in love with her?" I gasp as I try to catch my breath.

"I would trust her"

I laugh at his response.

“That's why between the two of us you have always been the best.You are wise.I'm the wild one”

I chuckle as Steve rolls his eyes.

Then he approaches me handing me a towel and a bottle of water.

"Thanks dude" I smile at him.

I wipe the sweat from my face and after placing the towel on one shoulder I drink the water in a single sip.

"So where are you taking her tonight?" my best friend asks me curiously.

"Nothing special...I reserved a table at The River Cafe" I reply pretending indifferent.

"What?Nothing special?Buddy that's one of the most romantic and most expensive restaurants in New York” laughs Steve giving me a push.

"I know, I know.I just want it to be special.I want that she feel special for one night.That she understands that I love her.That I really love her” I murmur.

"Do you want to ask her to marry you?" Steve's eyes seem to want to get out of their sockets.

I choke on my own saliva at Steve's question.

I cough convulsively as I try to speak.

"What?No, no, no.I love her but I want to take things calmly. A step at a time" I reply.

"You rather" I tease him “When are you going to propose to Natasha?You have been together for 4 years now.Don't you think the time has come?"

I see him blush and look away from me.

“Oh man!You already did it?" I ask him incredulously that he hasn't said anything to me.

"No I did not.And do you think I would do it without first talking about it with you?" Steve replies pretending to be offended.

We giggle together.

"To tell the truth I have been thinking about it for a few days but first I want this case of the stolen Vibranium to be solved" he explains to me.

"Yes, I also think it is better to wait.This whole thing is already giving us too many worries”

Steve and I chat for a few more minutes then decide by mutual agreement to eat something together.

We head to the kitchen and as we walk down the long corridor Agent Scott comes to meet us.

"Hey Lucas where are you going?" Steve asks politely.

“I'm going away, I have some work to do”

Thank God he will finally get out of the way for today.

Maybe God doesn't hate me that much.

“Why don't you grab a sandwich with us?You too have been awake since before dawn and you will surely be hungry"

I am caught off guard by Steve's words.

Maybe God doesn't hate me but I'm starting to think that the one who hates me is my best friend.

Steve and his stupid kindness.

Fuck!

I just hope Agent Blondie has the good sense to refuse.

And as if he could read my thoughts Lucas' eyes stop in mine and with a big smile printed on that stupid face of him he exclaims “Sure, I'm hungry.Thank you”

I curse myself mentally and pretending to smile I walk towards the kitchen followed by the two blondes chatting behind me.

Damn Steve, he's paying for this.

Once in the kitchen Steve grabs everything he needs to make turkey sandwiches.

For a few minutes silence reigns.

Then an idea leaps into my head.

Let's play "pissing off Lucas".

I will have fun for sure.

“Hey Steve, can't you lend me your burgundy jacket tonight?You know dress code is required at The River Cafe”

Steve approaches the table with three sandwiches on his plate, hands us one each and sits next to me.

Lucas is on the other side of the table, right in front of me.

His eyes are scrutinizing me carefully.

"Of course.Oh and I'll also lend you the tie of the same color.You'll make a great impression!"

“Wow The River Cafe” Lucas interjects.

“Great place.A luxury venue.I didn't think you could afford it”

Lucas throws it there as if nothing had happened.

Steve's eyes immediately move to me, they are wide open and full of panic.

He surely fears in my violent reaction.

But it won't happen.

I imagined such a comment from him and I already have the answer ready for him.

“Don't worry man.I can afford more things than you think.

For example, I can afford to be with Amaya.Do you know her?Gorgeous, red hair?The same one you can't take your eyes off”

The jaw of the blond in front of me tightens, his eyes thin.

“Don't sing victory Barnes.She could always change her mind…” he is teasing me.

He wants me to lose my temper and then pose with Amaya as a poor boy who was attacked by the monster.

I smile at his words.

"Don’t hold your breath while waiting blond" I reply chewing a bite of my sandwich.

He seems to want to argue but something is holding him back.

What a shame.

I would have loved to have hit that perfect little face.

Steve looks back and forth between me and Agent Scott.

He seems ready to divide us.

But Lucas, much to my chagrin, gets up and leaves not before saying goodbye to Steve and ignoring me.

"For a moment I was afraid he would hit you" Steve smiles amusedly.

I smile slyly, shrugging my shoulders.

"I don't deny you that for a moment I wanted it.Having a pretext to punch him would save me unnecessary arguments with Amaya”

Steve shakes his head dejectedly as he finishes eating his sandwich.

"Ok I'm going to take a shower and get ready" I announce.

“Ok brother.Then you come for the jacket”

I go to my room and start getting ready.

I feel as excited as a fucking girl on her first date.

I know that's not the case with us, but it's still the first time I've taken Amaya out for dinner.

I want everything to be perfect, I want her to feel like a queen tonight.

When I get out of the shower, I position myself in front of the bathroom mirror and run a hand over the misted glass due to the humidity created by the hot water.

I look at myself for a moment passing my hand through my beard, I would like to cut it to have a more sophisticated look for this evening but I will not do it because I know how much my doll likes it.

I dry and fix my hair and beard and then go back to my room to get dressed.

I wear a pair of elegant black trousers and a shirt which is also black, I spray a little perfume and after wearing a pair of black and shiny Dior derby shoes, I go to Steve's room.

I knock on the door and Nat comes to open and greets me with a whistle of appreciation.

“Wow Buck!You are stunning man"

I blush embarrassed, I did not expect such a welcome.

Nat grabs my hand and pulls me inside laughing.

"Hey man!" Steve greets me handing me the tie and then the jacket.

I finish preparing myself under the watchful eye of my friends.

"So?What do you think?" I ask taking a ride on myself.

"Great!" Nat exclaims, clapping her hands like a child.

Steve raises his thumbs upwards smiling.

"Good.I'm going” I sigh.

I suddenly feel nervous.

I walk towards Amaya's room.

I take a deep breath and with a trembling hand I knock on her door.

When she opens the door my jaw almost touches the floor.

I've never seen anything beautiful in my life.

Amaya wears a very simple little black dress with a red belt at the waist, and at her feet she wears dizzying heels that bring to mind only unchaste thoughts.

On her face only a touch of make-up and her inevitable crimson red lipstick.

Her hair is pulled back into a high ponytail.

This woman knows exactly how to make me lose my mind.

"What do you think?" she asks me making a turn on herself.

"You're perfect as always" I answer her grabbing her hips and leaving a kiss on her neck.

I don't want to ruin her lipstick.

Not yet at least.

"And sexy to take the breath away" I add with a wink.

She laughs just bending her head to the side of her, her wonderful green eyes like absinthe stare at me full of love.

"Let's go or we'll be late"

I grab her hand and drag her with me.

Amaya smiles in amusement.

"Where are you taking me?I'm curious” she chirps with sweet eyes.

Little temptress.

"Is a surprise.Trust me”

We leave the tower holding hands and with a small nod I stop a taxi.

I make my little robin sit in and after closing the door I go to the driver's window indicating the address and explaining that it was a surprise for my girlfriend.

We walk the streets of New York in pleasant silence.

Amaya's head rests on my chest as her gaze takes in the skyline.

I kiss her head breathing deeply the wonderful scent of her and I find myself overwhelmed by my own thoughts.

When I was living in the 40s and I was just James Barnes I just dreamed of coming back from the war, marrying a good girl and maybe getting a job in a factory.

I would have led a normal life.

Ordinary.

But then Hydra broke my dreams.

Hydra destroyed my life.

But ever since that day on the Helicarrier, when I rescued Steve from the Potomac, I began to realize the direction my life had taken and from that moment I have always felt a kind of emptiness.

A void that is difficult to explain.

I had lost everything.

My mother, my sisters, my brother.

Steve.

I had missed the opportunity to live my life.

Now I was just a danger, a monster that had to be hunted and killed.

For years I have thought that perhaps the easiest solution, the most obvious one, was death.

What life prospects did I have?

I was dangerous, the monster inside me could have jumped out at any moment.

I could have hurt other innocent people.

But then Steve came along.

A smile escapes my lips.

He always believed in me.

For him I will always be worth.

After Wakanda I started to hope again.

The Winter Soldier no longer existed.

I had my best friend again and had met others.

Natasha, Sam, Tony, Sharon...

I said to myself "Let's try it" and I tried.

I tried to integrate into the world, a world not mine.

Stranger.

A world that had evolved in my absence, a world that had moved on without me.

I tried to love, to have a woman by my side as I had always dreamed of.

I really thought it worked.

But at night, when the world slept, that little emptiness reappeared and grew bigger and bigger.

Everyday more.

And in that emptiness, between the screams and the pain, I saw all the people I had hurt when I was him.

The monster.

I didn't remember the names but I remembered every single face.

I remembered the fear in their eyes, those silent pleas.

How many fathers, mothers, sons and daughters, friends have I snatched from life?

Many.

Too many.

And in the end the void had become a chasm capable only of sucking into it what little hope I had allowed myself to feel.

Until she arrived…Amaya.

I smile and watch her as she is lost in her thoughts, the city lights reflecting in her green eyes.

Those eyes that have captivated me from the first moment, it took just a glance of her to understand how screwed I was now.

Gone.

Gone for that wonderful woman with sinful red hair and tempting beautiful lips.

Amaya feels my gaze on her and lifts her face to mine.

"Why are you smiling Sergeant?" she whispers to me, caressing my chest.

I smile even more.

"I'm happy"

I kiss her.

"I am happy and I love you" I repeat to her holding her tighter to me.

Her head comes back to my chest.

"I'm happy too and I love you too" I hear her murmur on the skin of my neck.

The taxi begins to slow down.

We are almost there.

I feel excited and scared at the same time.

I hope she likes this place.

The taxi stops in front of the restaurant entrance, I pay the ride and get off.

I open the door to Amaya and hold out my hand to help her.

She clings to my arm and gazes at the place in ecstasy.

I drink from the wonder that oozes from her eyes.

"Do you like here?" I ask her, a little agitated.

She doesn't speak, she clings to my arm with all the strength she has.

Her small hands, delicate but capable of killing, convulsively grip the fabric of my jacket.

I watch her as her gaze is lost in front of her.

This is one of the many reasons why I love her.

She too has her past, difficult and sad.

Her hands are dripping blood like mine.

Basically we are only two lonely and desperate souls that found each other.

Two souls who seek only to give each other comfort and love.

"James..." my name a whisper on her lips.

"Tell me my little robin" I urge her to speak.

She seems to have lost the capacity.

"This place…this place is great.Magnificent.But also too expensive.You shouldn't have”

In her eyes I can see some guilt.

“Hey don't think about it.This evening is for you.I want it to be perfect!Do not think about anything.Just relax” I tell her, kissing her temple.

She pulls away from my arm and turns completely to me.

She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me softly.

I reply to the kiss while my arms close around her waist by tightening her as much as possible against my body.

"I love you"

"I love you too doll"

We remain embraced some more moment then I grab her hand.

"Let's go" I tell her.

And together we enter.

The evening proceeds pleasantly, the food is superb and Amaya is a great company.

Let's spend time chatting with a breathtaking view to make us backdrop.

I tell to Amaya my childhood, of how to live in the 40s.

She talks to me about her childhood, tells me about his life and of what her dreams were.

Of how she had spent the last years looking for his parents' killer.

For the first time she talks to me about them.

"They were killed on August 20th.On my birthday" she tells me.

I am astonished in silence.

"Do you know?Every year, in that particular day, I make a madness" she smiles without joy.

"As if with a madness I could exorcise the pain.That pain always present but unbearable on that particular day" she murmurs.

"A few years ago I swam naked in the Hudson and I risked the assumption.A year I got drunk until I lose the senses.Last year I did something I had never done.I decided to have sex with a stranger"

She smiles in a clever manner by beating his long eyelashes sensually.

I am increasingly coated.

"Really?" I ask her.

"Oh yes!And you don't imagine my surprise when I saw you in that pub" she says.

She has a strange look in her eyes, as if she hids me something.

"You just don't remember me, right?" she suddenly asks me after a few moments of silence.

I look confused at her.

"What do you mean?"

Her sweet laugh resonates in my ears.

"We had already known each other.I doubt you can remember by the way" she says.

I think carefully about her words but I just can't understand what she's talking about.

I try to strive but I think I would remember her if I had already met her somewhere.

"A few years ago" she starts telling "Hydra gave you a task.Kill the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. but for your misfortune on the day you attacked him I was at his side"

She stops and grabs her glass of wine for a sip.

Her eyes don't even come off for a moment from mine.

"And...oh man I kick your ass that day, so bad!" she laughs amused.

But I can't laugh.

I feel panic assail me.

"I hurt you?" I murmurs in a trembling voice.

My hands close into fist under the table.

"Oh yeah...a lot!You fractured me the arm in three points, two ribs cracked, jaw displaced, you cut me a nerve of the thigh with a stab and I brought a cranial trauma.But hey!Don't do that face because you didn't go better"

I barely smile.

She continues with her story.

"I cut you your metal arm"

"You what?" I sweep away.

"You understood well!Fighting we ended up a window of a DIY store.You greeted me on the window and you were thrown up on me, I managed to beat your head against the wall and you fell to the ground stunned.Next to me there was an ax and so, without thinking twice, I grabbed it and I cut your arm.Just in the elbow's hollow.I took advantage of that moment to escape.You are the only goal I have ever failed.Before you no one had ever came out alive of a fight with me"

I looked at her.

I am absolutely speechless.

I don't remember anything about this.

"What do you think?Are you under shock?" she asks me laughing in a amused way.

How can I tell her?

How can I tell her that right now a thought is invading my head?

"Ok this will seem strange to you but...I'm horny right now" I admit.

The thought of her fighting me without a rememing, wildly, sends me out of my mind.

Imagine her covered with blood and dust, while she is indomitable make boil the blood in the veins.

Amaya throws her head back laughing heartly.

"Are you serious?" she asks between a laugh and another.

"Absolutely doll.Think about you fierce while fights is a somewhat exciting thing"

We laugh together and then return serious.

"I knew thet approached you that night would be a mistake" admits Amaya toying with a piece of bread.

"But I'll do it back.You were my most beautiful mistake"

"You too are my most beautiful mistake" I reply by grabbing her hand and holding it to my lips.

"What do you say if we go?Nearby there is a very nice bar.Let's go for a drink" I invite her.

She for her answering nods and after paying the bill we head to the bar.

We enjoy the hot air of this late July evening.

I pull the jacket and the tie and roll up the sleeves of the shirt.

Amaya stops and putting herself in front of me she unbutton the first two buttons of my shirt and her hands disorder a little my hair.

"So it's better.I prefer you more wild" she laughs and gives me a kiss.

Arriving at the bar we take up at the counter and order two beers.

We continue to chat, exchanging kiss and caresses all the times.

"I have to go to the bathroom.Excuse me" Amaya tells me kissing my lips and getting up from her place.

I look at her as she walks away from me, her hips swaying provocative to every step.

First go to the door that will take her to the bathroom she turns to me, she wink and disappears.

I lick my lips and after drinking another sip of beer I get up and follow her.

It's like a dejavu.

I enter the bathroom where silence reigns.

I don't even have time to look around me as a small hand grabs my shirt and drags me into the first cubicle.

Amaya's tongue immediately takes hold of my mouth.

She kisses me with fury, with passion.

Her hands immediately go to look for the buttons on my shirt.

"Ma'am please stop" I murmur, smiling on her lips.

“My girlfriend is waiting for me over there”

Amaya laughs amused and she kisses me again.

When her hands finish with my shirt she moves to my pants, she pulls them down with the boxers to mid-thigh, and then kneels at my feet.

I grab her face with my hands and with my thumbs I caress her lips.

"I love you" I whisper to her looking into her eyes.

She doesn't answer me, she grabs my erection in her hands and without ever taking her gaze from mine he brings it to her lips.

Her perfect pink tongue ends in her lips and she goes to lick the red tip of my cock, just teasing it.

Then her red, warm lips wrap around it.

I grab her head harder than and I guide her.

I fuck her mouth, moaning softly.

I move back and forth hard, I can feel myself hitting her throat.

But my little robin knows what to do and she tilts her head back to welcome me as much as she can.

She lets me do it and when I cum she eagerly drinks every drop of me.

Licking my entire length over and over again, sucking my balls making obscene sounds.

She lifts herself up kissing me while her hand starts to masturbate me, my erection begins to grow again.

I turn her back and lift her dress over her hips.

"Does it remind you of something robin?"

Amaya nods panting in anticipation.

I kneel behind her

and take off her panties I put them in my pocket.

I run a finger all the way down her slit, she's already soggy.

“Oh doll…I haven't even touched you yet and you're already all wet for me.You're so ready” I whisper on her skin that is covered with chills.

"I'm always ready for you" she gasps.

I pass a finger again and then leave her an almost impalpable kiss.

My hands rest on her ass, spreading it out, to get a better view of her beautiful pussy.

I lick her and her legs tremble.

I lick her again but this time I insert a finger into her warm flesh.

I feel it tighten around my finger, milking it.

I lift myself up and grabbing my throbbing erection, I guide its inside her body.

We both moan.

I grab her hips and squeeze hard, I want my fingerprints to stay on her body for days.

I begin to push hard by grabbing her leg.

I place my arm in the hollow of her knee, lifting her leg.

Her arm tightens around my neck while she holds herself against the wall with the other hand so as not to lose her balance.

My Vibranium arm tightens around her waist and my hand lowers until it reaches her clit.

I massage it following the pace of my thrusts.

Amaya's head tilts back, resting on my shoulder.

I turn my face in search of her lips and when I find them I bite its and then suck her lower lip.

"I love you" she moans on my lips.

"I love you" she repeats as the orgasm overwhelms her.

I keep pushing in her until I cum too overwhelmed by an orgasm that seems to shake up my soul.

I rest my forehead against her.

"I love you too doll"

We try to get dressed quickly before anyone can find us.

"James, I need my panties" Amaya tells me as I step out of the cramped cubicle to rinse my hands.

I pretend not to hear her.

"James!" she calls me back.

"Do you want to give me my panties back?"

"No, I don't think I will"

I laugh amused at her expression.

"Are you serious?And should I be without panties all evening?"

"I think so but do not worry...we are going home now and once there you will certainly not need it" I reply sensually as I wave her underwear in front of her face.

She looks at me with a mischievous smile on her lips.

She approaches and fiddling with the collar of my shirt she whispers "Aren't you done with me yet?"

"Oh doll...we are only at the beginning.For tonight you will be mine and only mine”

I kiss her with passion, our tongues dance together sensually.

We are interrupted by two girls who come in giggling, look at us and after exchanging a look they giggle again.

I think they have a perfect understanding of what just happened between me and Amaya.

We go back to the bar and pay for the beers, not before arguing with Amaya about who to offer.

In less than twenty minutes we are home.

We head towards the lift and once inside I grab her by the thighs and lift her, making her legs wrap around me.

I press her against the walls of the elevator and kiss her passionately, stroking her thighs left uncovered by her dress.

“James stop!You know there are cameras" laughs Amaya amused.

"I don't want to let Tony see us while we have sex"

"Why not?" I tease her.

She punches me in the chest.

“Stop it perverted” she laughs heartily.

"Ok" I give up and put her back down on her feet.

Once the elevator doors open, Amaya grabs me by the hand and takes me to her room.

The tower is dark and silent.

The only sound comes from my girlfriend's heels tapping rhythmically on the white marble floor.

As soon as I enter her room I take possession of her lips again.

"Are you ready?Because I will not stop until you are begging me to do so"

I take her in my arms and carry her to the bed, I lay her down on it and admire her in all the splendor of her while she eagerly waits for me to make her mine over and over again.

Her hair is scattered on the white sheets, the contrast between the red of her hair and the white of the sheets is hypnotic.

Her clear eyes seem to illuminate the entire firmament.

She is so beautiful that it hurts.

And I love her, I love her with every fiber of my being.

I feel my heart tighten to this sweet feeling of mine.

I feel happy.

I am happy.

I'm finally happy.

I look at her intensely and suddenly I remember.

"I have something for you doll.

Wait here, I'll be right back"

I bend down to give her a kiss and then I head to my room.

I hope she likes my surprise.

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@deansapplepie

#marvel #sebastianstan #bucky barnes #bucky #fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction recommendation #sebastian stan fanfiction #bucky barnes x oc #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #winter soldier #winter soldier fanfiction #dangerousgame

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byoungernj · 1 year

Text

Berlin Marathon 2023

Oh baby was this trip a lot of traveling and not a lot of seeing. From my first flight, as noted in my last post, this trip was not meant to be. It started with a 3 hour delay on my layover in Denver. Once at the airport, I found out I had typed my name into my itinerary wrong so it did not match my passport. An error I had to work through four separate times. Then we reached out gate to find out our seats are not the ones we paid extra for. I didn’t sleep a minute on the overnight flight. We arrived in Dublin with only 90 minutes until our next flight took off. If you have never traveled to Europe before, once you arrive you have to get your checked luggage and then make your way through immigration, bag check, security, the whole thing. On paper, Dublin looked like a small two terminal airport. First it took us almost an hour to get our bags. Then we were sent up and down and back up to find the walk way to the other terminal where our next flight would leave out of. Side note, in Europe apparently there is floors 0, 1, 2 etc… so when we were directed to floor 1 and went to the bottom floor, we were stared at in confusion why we did not understand where floor 1 actually was. By the time we walked (because there is no other way, as we were told) to the ticketing counter, our flight was set to leave in 5 minutes. When was the next flight? 10 hours later. I was so exhausted and irritated at this point I feared that if we set out to see Ireland something else would happen and we’d miss the new connecting flight. After many hours attempting to fall asleep to no success we boarded and landed in Berlin. The train would take an hour and it was now midnight. I sucked it up and got an Uber. (If you know me, you know I am not an Uber/Lyft person) We finally got to our hotel. I was emailed instructions to input a code next to the door and a key would be available. But was it? You bet it wasn’t. I googled how to call a European number from an American phone after multiple failed attempts. Within five minutes a lovely gentlemen let us in and provided me with my key. After almost exactly 24 hours of travel and being awake for 32 hours, we went to sleep. And you bet you a3s I did not set an alarm. Which ended up being both bad and good because we caught up on our sleep, but we slept until 2:30 in the afternoon the following day. Thanks to terrible travel plans, we lost a day and a half in Berlin.

Now that I’m done throwing a pity party I won’t go into more detail but in short

we attempted to find a bus tour for over an hour to find out that they were not running due to the marathon route closing streets

we got on said bus tour two days later and it was nothing special

we did think to purchase tour tickets ahead of time so we saw zero things we had hoped to see

another ticket hiccup, the train was now double the price to get to Munich and we didn’t end up saving anything by not flying out of Munich

we had planned to see one or two more things in Berlin our last night but the train back from Munich took over an hour more and dumped us out at the farthest train station from our hotel

the hotel ordering our taxi a half hour early and the driver refusing to leave because his fair had been running the morning we were departing

the cherry on top was just after I called my dad to tell him where to pick us up, I reached into my backpack only for the shot glass I bought him to fall and shatter

Ugh okay. Enough wallowing. This is meant to be a race recap. The moral of the story - plan plan plan before you travel to Europe or you’ll go all the way there and not see anything like dummy me. So, the race. Talk about the brightest shining moment of this whole trip. (I wrote a quick training recap in my last post if interested) I snuck in my tune up workout back on my hs track between gym classes before we departed NJ. I clipped off a bit faster than goal MP but felt good and in a rhythm. Luckily I had an off day planned for our never ending day of travel. Once we finally woke up on Friday I headed out for a short run along the Spree. I went through the neighborhood our hotel was in and passed this adorable Jungle Book themed playground. The trail was this wonderful dirt path that went through a park. I was tired and moving however fast my legs let me. It felt good to move and stretch afterwards. We headed to the expo in the late afternoon. Talk about the coolest venue, Berlin’s expo takes place at the Tempelhof airport which was used after WW2 by the US to deliver goods when Berlin was split by the wall. The parts of the expo were outside and it backed up to a park where there were people running, skating, and riding bikes. Inside was your typical assortment of vendors. We finally shared our first meal in Berlin at the multiple food trucks that had there. The next day I had a quick 20 minute run back on the Spree followed by a few strides. I smile now reflecting that I didn’t want the run to be so short. I wanted to keep running. I had enjoyed this build so much that I didn’t want it to end. The legs felt about the same, I was physically a bit more tired but ready for tomorrow.

I slept for a bit the night before after struggling to sleep the prior night due to jet lag. Waking up the morning of the race wasn’t too bad. With a 9:15a start time, I only needed to wake up at 6 to eat. I hoped on the subway to head down a few stops. I laughed at the reaction of the local young girls on the subway as a swarm of short shorts wearing, bright colored, awkward runner types all got on the subway at the same time. I followed the crowd off and towards the start. It was a bit of a walk but the weather was perfect and I saw the only corgi witnessed on this trip. I knew it would be a good day after I saw that loaf of bread. The holding area was huge. Bib numbers were given based on your last name so my bag drop was the furthest spot away from the actual start. I sat for a bit, wrote 5k splits on my hands in eyeliner and a special name on my wrist to remember how this trip was possible. Luckily enough I saw a friend of mine. She had gotten in via the lottery and her husband by time. We spent a few minutes catching up before we all needed to drop our bags. The race was encouraging 20 minutes to walk to the start. Here is where the mayhem began.

The start/finish is within this large park in the middle of the city, the Tiergarten. There were plenty of signs directing everyone to their respective start corral which was noted by letters. You followed winding dirt paths with the masses. When I got closer to the ABC start areas I noticed a small green space people were warming up in, so I did the same. After I continued to follow the masses. I could physically see the start area but the path went directing into 3 very long lines of people at portapots. People had now started to cut through the brush and trees of the park to find a way around. Which then turned into people scaling the very tall fences along the start area. A handful of other people found an opening in the fence but this still required us to climb up and over a shorter barrier. Not exactly what I want to do minutes before starting a marathon but here I was. After that debacle I found space within the B corral, did some leg swings and waited. A shared a brief moment with a girl maybe a bit younger than me on my ‘Running On Hope’ tattoo and how wonderful a person Gabe was and the organization is. The 10 minutes I had passed very quickly. They announced some of the elites, including the goat himself Eliud and gosh did the crowd of us go crazy. Then, we were off.

It took me around two minutes to actually cross the start. I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of space I had right off the line in the roads. We were spread on both sides of the median which then split us around the beautiful Victory Column statue. Actually the entire race had plenty of room across the roads. I never felt stuck. As for the specifics of the race course itself, I honestly don’t have much memory. It was flat. And not oh my legs hurt after a while because there’s not change in terrain, because there was small ‘hills’ that I wouldn’t call hills but they were so subtle I didn’t know until I went down the back side and my legs felt better. There were a lot of turns in this course. A LOT. Hence why I don’t remember much. The spectators lined the entire course. I was pleasantly surprised that a lot of people also cheered for you by name (which was on my bib). At first I thought it was my mom encouraging people around her but then it kept happening. My favorite was when one little kid would yell my name and then their whole group would follow. I took some opportunities to high five some kids as well.

I was able to hit pace right at the start. After a few miles this did start to feel fast. I chocked it up to it being a bad patch and kept pressing forward. I came through my 5k slower than desired but found myself right back on pace by 10k. Just before 9 miles my watch started to act wonky. When looking down to see how close I was to getting my gel out, I saw I had split a 5:14 ninth mile…which I have never run once in my life. Mile 12, was a 1:38 mile. I was now flying blind for the rest of the race, I didn’t know if I could trust the gps. The 5k splits on my hand were started to wash off with my sweat so I made my best guesses based on what I knew my initial 5k goal was. At half way I still felt as though I was running too fast. I told myself keep pushing at this pace until 16 than see what happens. 16 came and went and I kept plugging away. This course only had Maurten as their electrolyte drink. The first aid station that had this, I grabbed one, took a few sips and hated it. Not long after that my stomach agreed, it hated it too. I stuck to water at every other aid station after that. I remembered I had drank to much in Duluth so I tried to space out my fluids. I was taking Ucan gels every 4.5 miles and those don’t require water to digest, so pairing my intakes was not an issue either. But after those first 16 miles, my stomach started to feel a bit off. I was able to take down my forth gel at 18 but my nausea now persisted. In fact, it only got worse as the miles clicked by.

I started to do some mental math, where did I need to be with 10k and 5k to go to still be under three hours? and was this still in the cards today? It wasn’t a do or die time goal as it had been before, but it would be nice and I knew I had it in me. I was looking for the 32k sign and it never came. Looking at my watch, I was behind where I needed to be. Oh well I thought, let’s enjoy the rest of the day as I knew I’d finish. But then the next k sign was in sight and it was the 33k sign. I was still on pace and in fact, ahead of pace. I believe I literally said “oh sh!t I’m still in it” out loud. I was taking it one k at a time. As much as I wanted water, I chose to not take in any, hoping that would calm my stomach a bit. But it didn’t. I was so nauseous. The thought of taking anything in made me feel worse. Just make it to 5k to go and reassess. Just as before I was looking for the 37k sign but I missed it again. I knew I had slowed so now being off pace would not have surprised me. But the 38th k appeared and I was still under! I disregarded my last gu. There was no chance I was risking throwing up when I was still on pace. But I continued to slow. More mental math. Where did I need to be with 2k to go and still have a chance? I’d give myself 10 minutes and push with everything I had in the last 1k. At 40 k I had 13 minutes to make it. I tried to push. The nausea increased. There was no getting rid of it. Just finish. I made the final turn and the Brandenburg Gate came into view. I stay far to the left and followed the blue line for the shortest route to the finish. I tried again to push. No go. My legs had the life but my stomach was running the show now. The distance from the gate to the finish felt like forever. I wasn’t sure I’d make it. (Also running under that gate was super cool) But I had overestimated. Next thing I knew I was right there and had two minutes to spare. Unlike Grandma’s I had the space to take it all in. My hands instantly went over my heart. I was going to do it again! With my hands in the air I crossed the line with weak, screaming legs. 2:58:55, a PB by 47 seconds.

Oh the nausea. A few steps passed the finish, I wobbled and my hands found my knees. Holy crap did I want to throw up. I didn’t make it very far until I veered off to the side and was on all fours for quite some time. I have no clue how long I was there. After a few failed attempts to kneel upright, I walked a bit farther. I needed water. My mouth was stuck shut. I downed two glasses of water and my stomach yelled back. Gosh was I thirsty but it was so uncomfortable. I decided to sit in the sun and hope for some relief. Again, I have no clue how long I sat there but I was able to get another cup of water down. I had to make the long walk back to my bag. I had to take my medal off at this point. It was directly over my stomach, smacking it with every step. I got 3/4 of the way there and had to sit in the grass again. I let the sun start to warm my body and the stillness help digest whatever the heck was so pissed off inside me. Minutes passed and I took my time segmentally getting up. One more push to get my bag and find my mom. Naturally, as soon as I sat down at our meeting spot I looked up to see her sitting not far off from that spot. I stood to embrace her but instantly had to sit back down. I had nausea in Duluth but nothing like this. As we sat and recapped the past few hours, I tried to find positions that made me feel better. It took time but I was able to get to my feet.

I had heard that Tracksmith was in Berlin, stamping free posters with our finishing times. We made our way onto the subway and over to their space. To my surprise, olympic medalist Nick Willis was one of the people stamping posters. My nausea thankfully had subsided and I helped myself to a free beer as we planned our trip back to the room. By the time we got back to the room, it was 3pm. Now back on wifi I read the wonderful messages back from everyone in the states that were now awake. I called my dad to share in the ventures of the morning. We spent the rest of the day taking our time around a museum and at Checkpoint Charlie. I can’t even describe how wonderfully I slept that night.

As mentioned in my previous post, I loved this build. On the train back to Berlin from Munich (of course we went down to Oktoberfest, duh) I found myself smiling and longing for the next one. I loved challenging myself in new ways. Again I was struck by nausea which slowed my second half. I was also at the mercy of a dysfunctional watch and no pacer. What does this tell me - I can most definitely go faster.

I loved Berlin. Besides the mayhem that was getting to the starting line, everything about this race was wonderful. I loved Germany. I would 100% go back. Now I’ll take some downtime and build up for a half in late April. I’d like to train specifically for the half, which I’ve never done. I don’t have plans for a marathon for at least a year. I need to get more settled into life in Portland. I have 4 of my 6 Abbott WMM stars. Tokyo is the next one I’d like to do but is notoriously is hard to get into. If I don’t get into 2025, my next marathon wouldn’t be until summer 2025. Honestly, I’m not sure I can wait that long so who knows, maybe it will be sooner.

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