#i shouldnt have to guess about my eye health

[colorisbyshe]

so i don't have glaucoma or cervical cancer, so today is a win, but also i have to pump gas and fill 3/4ths of a tank so... i should kill myself right?

[megabuild]

Okay so one thing that really sets me off is when someone draws or writes Scar using a mobility aid that he doesnt use irl, like a walking stick or leg braces.

I know scar himself doesn't mind if hes drawn with or without aids but the fact that people go "well i want to include disabled representation so im going to draw him with a stick since i dont know how to draw a wheelchair/engange it into a minecraft setting" even when the rest of the fic has like. Grian a guy with 16 eyes and 32 wings or whatever. Clearly realism isn't what you care about here. Either draw him with his chair or without any aids at all.

And its like.

1. You can learn to draw/write wheelchairs. Its not that hard.

2. You can make up your own fantasy variations for a minecraft-themed or whatever themed wheelchair. Its actually quite fun.

3. It feels really gross to simplify somebodys disability, and to give them an aid that they dont use. Like if i did that with someone i know irl whos disabled THAT WOULD BE REALLY WEIRD. Its why i dont reblog drawings of Scar with an aid he doesnt use on my blog.

Its just because people want to make Scar "convenient" to draw or write. But being disabled isn't convenient and you shouldnt get "representation points" for failing to depict a disabled character. Obviously dont like. Be invasive to scar and his health and i know he doesn't care but as someone with close disabled family. Idk it just feels really gross. I dont think its malicious but i think its tactless.

okay actually this is an interesting point and not one i've really considered before. i guess one of the major reasons is that like you said scar said he didn't mind what people drew him with but i do think there's also probably a level of considering wheelchairs difficult to write especially in scenarios like the life series... that along with the fact that his cubito character does always walk, jump, fly etc around unhindered (not that that's an excuse because if we all stayed perfectly accurate to the videos and what's shown in them, nothing would get done around here LMFAO)

i personally don't use mobility aids so i don't have much to say but if people want to sound off go for it

[itztlislost]

i quit my retail job

hey y'all, it has been months since I've been active. the last time i reposted something, tumblr immediately terminated my account. I was able to get it back after emailing customer service, which they apologized that it even happen because they don't even know why it happened. weird, but whatever.

anyways, I was inactive because my mental health was my priority. I cut of friends, stopped doing the things I liked and much more just to maintain a baseline of 'ok', which wasn't great considering my only interaction was people at my job of a cashier at a grocery store.

I ended up quitting when the workplace took a turn for the worst, both coworkers and management becoming toxic and I only had one work friend who kept their head on straight. I'm not going to say we never did anything wrong and that it was everyone else being assholes, that isnt true and I don't believe it was anyone but managements fault.

I'm not really sure what caused for this shift to happen, I was too focused on my own problems at the time before i eventually noticed. basically, everyone was in a bad mood, constantly. we all had problems with everyone and each other, we all wanted things and refused to compromise without complaints. The holiday season ended, hours were cut along with all this and management decided to play favorites. white employees got to keep their hours while the rest of us didn't even get the bare minimum of 20 hours, even if we were apart of the union. I know the managers have favorites, we all do, but they suddenly didn't care about being fair.

I was already fighting a losing battle with hr, all the while I was working 10 hour shifts three days into being of my 300ml Effexor and suffering the worst of my withdrawals at the customer service desk. I finally had a breakdown and meltdown, so bad I woke the next morning unable to speak or open my eyes because of the hours long of me screaming and sobbing the night before. do to how bad I was suffering, I called out sick and included all this information which i did not have to and shouldnt have. I genuinely care about my co workers and managers, I didnt want them to think I was faking being sick and I wanted them to know I had stuck it out for as long as I could all things considered. Instead of understanding, I got a huff in reply a dry 'are you sure? fine, ok'.

after that call I proceeded to spend the rest of the day and my days off screaming and crying while I waited for my doctor to fix whatever mistake set this off. that being said, it made me realize how little my work place cared. I built so many friendships with everyone at work that I tricked myself into thinking that this location and management could be any different than corporate or any other chain. Next day, I put in my two weeks and went to stay with my fiance while I got back on my meds.

I'm doing better now and figuring out a better path since I refuse to go back to working retail. the customers were actually the best part of the job imo, good and bad interactions alike. so yeah this was mainly a vent and also just a reminder to myself every time I come back here to remember how horrible that experience was. but hey, let it be a cautionary tale too i guess. Take your meds, call and make sure they get refilled a week or two before you're out bc trust me you may think they'll refill it fast but don't risk it. also retail sucks major doo doo, quit on the spot once you see any red flags. you're disposable to them, make them disposable to you.

[oh-my-damn]

Can I vent or get some advice or... idk. I'm

33, I'll be 34 in a few months.  I've never dated, kissed, let alone had sex. I'm the type of girl who falls for 1 guy and likes them for years. I have been asked out a few times over the years but never by someone who I was interested in. I feel like a loser, but that's a vent for another day. As I'm getting older I thought I'd meet someone the old fashioned way, through a meet cute at a store,  or through school, mutual friends, etc. But nothing.  I'm contemplating using dating apps (idk which ones, match, eharmoney??). I want to meet someone but also I have things I want in life to do, but I also want kids, I want to make a family, but the only guys I've found attractive the last few years are actors (one which I'm sure you can guess).

I just... I don't know what I was expecting from this.  I think maybe I just needed to put this out there,  you know? And I've read some of your personal stuff and I just thought you'd be a sympathetic ear or understand what I'm going through. I'm confused and so lonely and God I just want to be pushed up against a wall and kissed by a guy who is protective of me and looks at me with so much love in their eyes it makes me melt. I just never expected to be alone at this age and I feel like I'm running out of time.  Running out of time to meet someone,  running out of time to have kids.  It feels like if I don't do something soon,  I'll miss out on my opportunity.  I want a husband and kids. 😞thank you for listening

Hi honey.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I understand that feeling of loneliness and like its never going to happen for you, its something I myself have been dealing with for a while now. Im not sure what to say because there are people out there who do not find that kind of love, and then there are some who do and others who dont actually find it but pretend they do.

I think whats important to note is that a lot of those "happily in love my life is perfect" people arent actually that happy or in love and their life isnt actually as perfect as they like to portray it as.

At the end of the day, what matters most is you and your own happiness and your own path in life.

I can understand wanting to meet someone the old fashioned way but with the way the world is going, thats getting harder and harder. If you truly are looking to settle down in the near future, I would recommend going after it the same way you would an education or a career. Get out there, try online dating (but do it SAFELY. Always meet in a public space, do not give out too much personal info until you know them well etc)

Dating casually is usually the first step because, unlike what movies have taught us, they dont just come along when you want them to. Sometimes it takes a while but I think your mindset is important. If you feel ready to pursue commitment then its about being open and communicating that.

Online dating can be annoying and tedious. But maybe thats a good next step for you?

I am unsure what advice to give as I myself do not actively look for someone else, so I wish I could give recommendations but its a bit difficult. I have heard from friends that Hinge or Bumble are pretty good, I think?

I hope you find what youre looking for, honey. But its also important to note that you shouldnt expect this special person to come into your life to fix everything. If that is the only part of your life youre unhappy with, then maybe yes. But if there are other things as well, a good idea is to deal with those first, to heal and know yourself. And maybe that person will come along naturally, maybe youll see them on an online dating site, who knows.

Its really hard to deal with these things. I hope you have friends and family to talk to when the loneliness is overwhelming and that youre taking care of yourself and your mental health ❤️

[aromanticle]

i just got out of the shower and i have some thoughts to share about something that happened a few days ago

i went, with my sister, to see a psychiatrist. i didnt really want to do that cause deep down i just know that nothing a third party could ever do would truly help me in any way and the only person who can change the way i do things is myself, but that brief period i had with her actually did open my eyes. just not in a good way.

no one irl knows this but i actually have talked to a therapist online for a few months though one of those mental health related apps, a few times for free and i paid two dollars twice which actually ends up being not so cheap for me lol but i stopped because of something that was said to me. the person i talked to seemed to actually pay attention to what i said and she'd always tell me that the main problem i have in life in executive dysfunction which is very accurate. i dont actually know if the people the app provides are licensed or not and idk how trustworthy this all is but i actually feel like i had a positive experience with it for the most part. of course theres not much one can do when i only call them to talk about things that frustrate me and things i wish i could change about myself once every two weeks but at least i felt like there was someone out there who actually understands what i have to say.

my sister and i sat in front of a psychiatrist and told her we wish our mother actually gave a shit about us and did something to help her children have a better life instead of spending the day on her phone and guess what she said? "you cant change her, deal with it"

we were just around 10 minutes into our time together and my sister brought up concerns she had about me and she basically dismissed it completely, saying "but you dont have this trait" that someone would only know if they actually knew me when she had barely even talked to me at all. i always felt like i struggle with certain things that she said i have no problem with when she simply does not know me even a little bit at all. she just heard a couple things about me and assumed i am someone im not.

i said "i actually went back to school because i wanted to avoid trouble with my mom, not because i wanted to" and what she heard was "i loved going back to school". i said i used to want to be a literature professor and what she heard is "i like reading". my sister said i go to sleep too late (which is only partially correct) and she said "ok, i'll give you this so you can sleep"

i told her i gave up on the idea of being a teacher when i was 15 because i know how hard it would be to get there and thats not even what i want to do and she said "well this is a generation thing" like the reason i didn't pursue a goal i knew would lead me nowhere is because im a tiktok brained little gen z child that doesnt want to put effort into things that take time ???????? my dream is to star in a musical, i just dont have the means to do that. i know i dont. im never gonna have what i truly want so i can only chase after these smaller little things i could feasibly do but they dont last long. i know i'll never be happy as a teacher, not even as a literature professor, that's why im not gonna even try. i know this is gonna take years and im not even gonna be satisfied when i get there. im not gonna waste my time and money doing something i only kind of wanted to do, i shouldnt even have brought that up but we were talking about teaching and jobs and i thought it was appropriate to mention i once wanted to teach. not anymore.

i said i changed schools a lot. i liked the first school i went to, but my mom put me in a public school in third grade because well. it doesn't cost anything. but i hated going there because i couldn't get used to it. my mom then put me in a different school. i hated going there because i couldn't get used to it, but i knew if i said that to my mom she'd get mad. when i was in seventh grade my mom "threatened" to take me out of the school because of my grades and because i put no effort into my studies at all (because i hated going to school) so she put me back into a different school. i didnt like going there because i couldn't get used to it but i knew there was nowhere else for me to go. then i finally got to actually choose which school i was going to when i changed schools for the last time for high school. i went with a friend, so i assumed it would be easier. i hated going there. it was only at the end of my third year there that i thought "actually, i like this school. i wish i didnt change schools in third grade and stayed right here". and the psychiatrist said "you changed schools a lot so you clearly don't have a problem adapting to new environments". #girl you have talked to me for a grand total of 7 minutes.

i'm supposed to go back there and talk to her again in less than 30 days now and i am dreading the day i have to open my mouth and say a word to that woman again. i'd rather have my sister go alone or my mom or someone else and talk about me, i think i would be more helpful than if i go there and try to explain myself just for her to misunderstand everything i have to say.

[rippeds0cks]

3/4/2024

I have been weird lately. Some days ill be doing great then other days ill be as worse as ive ever been. These last couple days have been bad. Ive been so bad mentally that ive had to stop whatever im doing (eating, watching a movie, working out, playing elden ring) and just sit there and stare off into nothing. I zoned out entirely when i was driving yesterday. Ended up going 75 in a 45 and had to rush a break when i zoned back in so i didnt slam into the back of the car in front of me. Cant have that become a habit since im gonna be driving a lot soon. Buying a gun soon. Not for suicide or anything i need it for bears n such since im gonna be camping in the middle of national parks a lot. I havent slept well in weeks. Every night for the last couple nights ive been as close to tears as ive been in recent memory. I get really emotional laying here n my right eye will be teary but my left eye will not. I wonder if my tear duct is damaged in any kinda way since thats the side closest to my head injury. It shouldnt be since thats my better eye. Back when i got a cut on my left eyelid i was essentially blind for those couple days it took for the swelling to go down since my right eye is essentially useless. That reminds me, my dad is slowly catching onto how bad my health is. He made the observation “you might have something wrong with your depth perception cause you get really close to the cars in front of you when you drive” and i just went “haha yeah” when in reality my depth perception mostly went when i was like a very early 19 and i just got used to it. Fighting made me able to “feel” the distance between me and everything around me but that goes out the window when im operating a machine like a car. Ill get used to it i guess. Maybe start wearing my glasses.

I think that on this trip ill make the decision about reaching out to my ex. I think that if i get all the way to vegas and still think about her ill reach out for closure. Thatll be a while tho. Maybe well over a year. I dont know. Ive just completely given up any delusion of her contacting me. If contact is to be made itll be made by me. I just cant stop thinking about her and its already ridiculous so if it continues for so long that by the time i get to vegas i might as well reach out. Worst comes to worst and she loses her mind/gets a restraining order n i cant firefight anymore i can just kill myself its not a big deal. I just cant keep harboring these emotions forever. I already dont wanna harbor em im just too scared to reach out. It doesnt help that me n benj (mostly benj) bring up our exes a lot so i have to think about her. He says shit sometimes that unlocks memories i didnt know i had and it will make my ass catatonic for the day.

Like once i had a ptsd attack while asleep and i jolted awake and we were napping together and i woke up to her laying on me pulling me as close as possible and it brought my heart rate down and mental state down entirely, i was able to relax and calm down just cause she was there. She probably doesnt remember it since when i jolted awake she was mostly still asleep, just doing a slurred half awake “do u have to pee” to which i just said no n we both went back to bed.

I waa gonna type out another memory thats been replaying in my head where she lays with me as i was having full body convulsions and i was in some of the most pain i have ever been in. Rubbing my back and holding my hand. I was gonna type it all out in detail but im already shaking and crying out of one eye lol. No snot or anything tho so i dont know if this qualifies as crying.

Anyways i would give anything to be able to experience that again. The first and only person to ever love me and things went so horribly wrong. Both of our faults. I take the vast majority of the blame though. She takes the blame towards the end but the rest of it is my fault.

Anyways

[zoemurph]

in all honesty though, of all the things to happen in deh that i don’t love, if i could change exactly one (1) thing, i’d delete the one fucking line where evan says he went off his meds

[sgtjbbhasmyheart]

Drunk Texting Is(n’t) Bad for Your Health- Chapter One

Series Summary: Talk about your unconventional meet-cute! Bucky receives a text by mistake requesting he prove he's not Reader's sister. The easy dialogue between Reader and Bucky sparks a natural friendship, but could it lead to more? Bucky still deems himself unworthy of any form of affection or love. Reader is hellbent to prove him wrong. With the help of some (meddling) friends along the way, Bucky may get his happily-ever-after after all.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 2101

Chapter Warning: Bad Language Words, tiny bit of angst

A/N: I started this on AO3 awhile ago. Now that I have a blog dedicated primarily to just Marvel/Bucky, I thought I’d add it here, too. Enjoy!

DO NOT copy or replicate without my permission.  

Bucky heard his phone buzz as he was tugging a butter-soft tee over his head. He glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand next to his bed as he worked his arms into their respective holes.

9:36

Steve was long in bed already, so the text most likely wasn’t from him. Sam was on a me me kick-- No, what did he call them? Memes!-- of a disgruntled cat which he swore reminded him of the super soldier. He wouldn’t be surprised if it were him. Or possibly Nat. She picked up the new issue of Guns & Ammo the other day and was sending him pictures of a Mossberg MC1sc 9mm she was drooling over.

Smoothing the body of the shirt over his torso, Bucky ambled over to his bed. He snatched up the phone from the navy blue comforter and flipped it over. To his amazement, the text wasn’t from Sam or Nat. Or even Steve.

(917) 460-5480 work thing boring af. kinda tied one on. might be late meeting you tomorrow

He blinked several times at the message, uncertain how to respond. It was a wrong number, right? Bucky hadn’t made plans with anyone for tomorrow that he could remember. Plus, everyone he knew had the same work thing. And it was rarely boring.

Definitely a wrong number.

He set the phone down near the clock, choosing to ignore the text. Hopefully, whoever this person was, figured out quickly they were texting the wrong number and moved on.

Bucky pulled back the covers before climbing into bed. His body melted into the mattress, muscles relaxing for the first time since breakfast. Training had been non-stop all day today. It felt good to just be, for once.

He grabbed the book he was reading off the nightstand and opened it to the spot he left off. He cleared his mind, as best he could, and concentrated on the words on the page.

A few pages in, his phone vibrated alive again. Another text message.

(917) 460-5480 sis dont be mad youd be drinking too if you had to sit thru one of these business dinners

Bucky sighed. He had hoped his radio silence would have clued this person into their mistake. Wishful thinking. Before he could punch out a reply, another text came through.

(917) 460-5480 timmons is droning on about this new client. kill me now

He quickly typed out a reply:

(917) 308-3117 I think you sent this to me by mistake.

Bucky watched the text indicator pulse as this unknown person worked out their response.

(917) 460-5480 haha very funny sis

Bucky huffed at this person’s disbelief, thumbs working on typing out his next message.

(917) 308-3117 I’m not trying to be funny. I can’t be someone’s sister when I’m a man.

He set the phone down on the nightstand again, hoping this person finally took a hint. He opened his book back up to the current page, taking a deep breath.

The room’s silence was broken again by the loud thrumming of his phone skittering across the surface of the black wood veneer.

(917) 460-5480 how does kevin feel about this so close to the wedding???

(917)460-5480 will you still need a wedding dress or will you just get a tux???

(917) 460-5480 am i still your maid of honor???

Bucky chuckled at this girl (no, young woman) asking the essential questions.

(917) 308-3117 Your sister did not get a sex change. Yes, she will still need a wedding dress. Yes, you are still her maid of honor. Like I said before, wrong number.

An almost immediate reply came through.

(917) 460-5480 prove it

Bucky grew slightly irritated at the insinuation. Why couldn’t she take his word for it? He exhaled loudly through his nose.

(917) 308-3117 How?

A few moments passed before the device juddered in the palm of his large hand.

(917) 460-5480 selfie

Bucky blanched at the request. He could feel the color drain from his face, only to immediately heat with a blush. A selfie? That is the last thing he wanted to do.

Although he’d been exonerated for his crimes as The Winter Soldier, he still knew about the dislike people felt about him as a person, in general. They couldn’t get past the brainwashing or other persona. God knows he still struggled with it.

He couldn’t go broadcasting his face through texts to a stranger. What if she was one of those who didn’t understand he had no say in what he did or what happened to him under Hydra’s control?

What if he ignored the solicitation? He could do that. Maybe even turn off his phone.

She did seem the type to be very persistent until she got what she wanted.

True to form, another text rang through.

(917) 460-5480 i will keep texting until i see your manly face

One corner of his lips quirked higher. Yup, persistent.

He navigated to the camera app on his phone and switched it to selfie mode. He stared at the damp locks falling to his shoulders. His beard would require a trim soon, but it wasn’t scraggly. Luckily, he’d had the hindsight to shave his neckbeard in the shower earlier.

Was he considering this? Some girl says jump, and he asks how high?

He combed metal fingers through his hair, blowing out a breath.

(917) 460-5480 im waiting

Bucky growled at the text, running a hand over his face. “Okay, okay. Give me a second,” he said to his phone. He held it up to head height, half an arm’s length away.

Click!

He previewed the picture, assuring himself it didn’t reveal too much. It was, somehow, off-center, containing a bearded chin and half a smirked mouth, one nostril, and a half-lidded eye.

Before he could talk himself out of it, Bucky pulled the messaging app back up and then sent off the picture. He tossed the phone aside, not wanting to watch the taunting blinking dots as he waited for a reply.

The picture was barely recognizable, but someone like Steve or Nat could tell it was him. It would be okay. No one would know.

His phone vibrated violently near him on the bed. Bucky cautiously plucked the device up, debating whether he wanted to read her reply. What if it said, “Holy shit! You’re The Winter Soldier!”? The hope of this woman thinking he was just some regular guy knotted up his stomach. He didn’t know why he cared so much about whether this stranger thought he was The Soldier or not. He had no control over who believed the lies perpetrated as truth through the media. He could only wish for the best.

He blew out the breath he was holding in and eyed the phone’s screen.

(917) 460-5480 is it fair to say men shouldnt be allowed to have long eyelashes??

Bucky laughed and immediately thought of poor Steve.

(917) 308-3117 You should see my buddy’s. The girls swoon and complain at the same time.

He quickly added to the message thread:

(917) 308-3117 Am I correct to assume you believe I’m a man and not your sister?

The response was swift.

(917) 460-5480 oh shit ur not my sister

(917) 460-5480 this isnt 9173083447?

Bucky laughed again, the tension in his chest slowly unfurling.

(917) 308-3117 Unfortunately for you-- no.

(917) 460-5480 ugh im such an idiot sorry for the shit i said

(917) 308-3117 Don’t worry about it. I had a good laugh at your expense.

(917) 460-5480 oh god now i feel like a bigger ass

Bucky suddenly felt like backpedaling. He hadn’t meant for her to feel bad about her mistake. It was cute in a roundabout way.

(917) 308-3117 Please don’t be embarrassed. It was the highlight of my night.

(917) 460-5480 me forcing u to prove ur a man was the best part of ur night??

Bucky thought for a moment. Was it the best part? The training sessions had become monotonous lately, even with the new agents. The team hadn’t been on any missions in a few weeks, so it was pretty accurate to say he was bored around the compound.

(917) 308-3117 I suppose it was. Work’s been a little slow, and there’s only so much training you can do before it becomes tedious.

(917) 460-5480 training? r u in the military? ooh, r u an athlete??

A laugh bubbled up from his chest. It was comical to see her try to guess his profession. His selfie hadn’t announced who he was to her after all.

(917) 308-3117 Something like that.

(917) 460-5480 so mysterious! r u some assassin who needs to keep his identity secret? is that y ur selfie only showed a quarter of ur face??

He paled at the implication. Maybe she did know and was yanking his chain. How did he block numbers again?

Another text came through from the mystery woman:

(917) 460-5480 not that i mind u have a luscious mouth

Bucky guffawed at the comment as flames rose beneath the skin of his cheeks. He hadn’t remembered blushing this much in such a short amount of time in decades.

(917) 308-3117 How much have you had to drink tonight, doll?

(917) 460-5480 doll?? what r u my grandpa??

He chuckled again. God, he was old enough and then some.

(917) 460-5480 enough to not want to shoot my brains out but not enough to know this dinner isnt a party

(917) 308-3117 Maybe you should get back to your dinner? I don’t want to get you into trouble.

He regretted the text the second he pressed send. Was he trying to get rid of her? No. Or was he looking out for her? This person he knew nothing about. She was more entertaining than the recurring nightmare he’d been having for the last week, that's for sure. He'd cling to this unknown to avoid slipping into that black abyss.

(917) 460-5480 aww does the military-trained assassin athlete mchottie not want to talk with me anymore?? 🙁

(917) 308-3117 No!! I’m honestly concerned you’ll be reprimanded if you pay more attention to your phone than Timmons.

The last thing Bucky needed was to feel more guilt, especially if it was at the expense of someone’s livelihood. His shoulders were already heavy enough.

(917) 460-5480 thats sweet but dont worry ur pretty little head over me timmons wouldnt last a day w/o me

(917) 460-5480 timmons may be the boss but i run that office

He simpered at her swagger. He could only imagine what kind of office she worked in because, again, a total stranger. Did he want to get to know her more, or was this a one and done thing? Would she wake up tomorrow and want to continue the conversation or blow him off for the drunken mistake her first text had been?

Bucky stared at his phone for several more minutes, pondering precisely what he was doing and what his expectations of the night were. It’s not like he was going to meet her in person, right? Was he that delusional? He was an Avenger now. He didn’t get a social life. Not that he had one before but still.

He was startled from his reverie as the phone shook in his hand.

(917) 460-5480 did i scare you away??

(917) 308-3117 No. Just thinking about tomorrow.

(917) 460-5480 shit a military-trained assassin athlete mchottie must have a lot to prepare for mentally ill let u get ur rest

He smiled at the gesture. If only she knew.

(917) 308-3117 Send me a text when you get home. I want to make sure you arrived okay.

(917) 460-5480 such a gentleman! i don’t want to wake u if ur asleep tho

(917) 308-3117 I doubt I’ll be sleeping, but it’ll help ease my mind.

(917) 460-5480 alright ill shoot a text ttfn

(917) 308-3117 ttfn?

(917) 460-5480 ta ta for now god u r a grandpa

(917) 308-3117 Yeah, yeah

Bucky’s mouth split into yet, another grin as he set his phone down once again on the nightstand. He picked up his discarded book and found his place on the page. After a few minutes of re-reading the same paragraph over and over, he slipped the bookmark into the gutter of the book. His mind was too preoccupied with the thought of some random girl in the city at a boring work dinner. He realized he hadn’t stopped smiling since they temporarily said goodbye.

Maybe there was a good chance this conversation would carry into tomorrow.

CHAPTER TWO

[marinetteplztakeabreak]

chloe in my adrininogami roommates au

under the cut bc its a little long (1500 words of notes about chloe in this au)

ADRININOGAMI ROOMATES AU RECAP: its not really an au its just a timejump, Adrien Nino and Kagami are all like 18-19 and roommates, hawkmoth is still out there and lb and cn still dont know each others’ identities, Nino and Kagami know each others’ secret identities but don’t know Adrien’s and he doesn’t know theirs, Nino is at university while Adrien and Kagami are just taking a gap year and working minimum wage jobs and honestly they are all thriving and bffs

Chloe is a music major

At the same university as Nino

i have very little knowledge of the universities of Paris so this is going to be partially based on the American system, im sorry but youre going to have to suspend your disbelief real quick

so the university has a rule where first year students have to live on campus in the dorms

Nino escaped this rule because he is a goshdarn music nerd and quest for knowlege cannot be stopped

There wasn’t even an AP Music Theory class at his high school when he started there but he was like “whats up guys i have self-confidence now and i think it would be pretty nifty if we had this class” and then talked to teachers and convinced a bunch of his friends to sign up for it so now its a class

And thats the only AP Music class and he still wanted to learn,,, so he just,,, started taking online college courses,,, in music theory,,, for fun,,,, the absolute nerd <3

he will ramble excitedly about music history to anyone who will listen and you cant even be upset bc he is so energetic about this

All of this is to say that, by the time he graduated high school, he had already completed a bunch of college classes, so he got to enter university as a sophomore, which is how he is living off campus with adrien and kagami

Chloe, however, is a freshman, so shes gotta live on campus in the freshman dorms and have a roommate

her roommate, by the way, is Juleka

Chloe has calmed down significantly by this time and sucks a lot less. She and Juleka are not friends by any account, but basically, when they were signing up for roommates, they were both like “whelp this is better than rooming with a total stranger, i wont talk to you or bother you if you dont talk to me”

chloe and juleka have not actually spoken to each other since school started,, they pretty much stay out of the dorm room unless they are sleeping and then they stay on their side of the room and do not make eye contact and dont touch each others stuff

and chloe is totally fine with this

just kidding, hahaha, she is sad and lonely and wants to make friends but is terrible at it,,, her models for friendship include Adrien who she knows she messed up with completely and the best thing she can do now for their relationship is avoid him so she doesnt mess it up more,, and Sabrina, who is also refusing to speak to her now and basically taught chloe that the way to do friendship is to like? do their homework or something??

(juleka is vibing and living her best life btw, shes just also an introvert and only goes to the dorm when she is tired and needs to refresh and also chloe is the one acting like they shouldnt talk)

SO,,, chloe is a music major bc she thinks its pretty nifty and fun and also because she is trying to avoid anything to do with her parents,,, she has reached the point where like “be a dissapointment to my parents” is like,, her life goal,,, which is kinda a “good for her” situation and kinda a “holy heck plz get her some therapy situation”

wow we’ve got a bunch of backstory but we are finally to the point of this post

Chloe has several classes with Nino and she keeps accidentally flocking to him because she already knows him from high school and he has such good vibes

Nino is kind of just trying to avoid her,, he doesnt HATE her,, but,, it is chloe,, yknow

but then they get paired up for a group project and the group meets at nino’s apartment, and adrien is not in the building whenever chloe is there, on purpose,, they will be friends again eventually but their friendship is taking a little bit of a break and adrien is still learning how to have boundaries so he’s just doing what’s best for his mental health

chloe is totally fine with this and doesnt miss him at all

just kidding she is lying

BUT

you know who IS just chilling in the apartment while chloe is there

kagami

who is now like 19 and having some actual self confidence and happiness and who is chilling in her apartment with nino, one of her best friends

and chloe gets through the first group meetup at nino’s house and doesn’t spent any time just staring at kagami who’s chilling reading books in the corner (yes she does)

chloe is actually trying her hardest to be nice to the group members and make friends and prove that she can be a good person and a hard worker but she has very little social skills or work ethics skills and is having complicated emotions about adrien and hasnt even realized it yet but she is falling HARD for kagami,

all that is to say that chloe is a little bit distracted from the group project

but anyway they meet up again and this time chloe has done a ton of research and prep beforehand bc she doesnt want 2 be caught offguard made to look like a fool again and everyone is like what the heck, since when does she study things?

and anyway the project goes pretty great

but then

chloe has a goshdarn crying breakdown

because she is experiencing too many emotions all at once

the combination of just,,, university coursework is stressful and living without servants for the very first time in her life and parental issues and not having friends and also literally everything is just aaaa

so she starts crying in her dorm while doing homework while juleka is there but she literally forgets that juleka is there bc juleka is kind of a cryptid

and juleka just kinda stares at her for a minute and then is like “u good”

and chloe tries to pretend shes not startled and is like “haha yeah its fine”

and juleka is like “have u considered getting a tutor”

and chloe, who is stupid, is like “hmm i should ask nino to tutor me but only at his place and only when kagami is home and i should make sure that i look super cute and i need to study beforehand so that i look cool and smart in front of kagami,, i mean,, for no reason at all i just think this is a good idea”

she talks to nino and nino is like “ok i guess i can help tutor you but u have to actually make an effort and also stick to a schedule so youre not there when adriens there bc we are respecting his boundaries and also you need to-”

and chloe is like “great perfect done”

and then she actually does everything nino says

so basically

she ends up passing all of her classes and making friends

literally just because she is too stupid to actually try to talk to kagami

they literally do not have any conversations other than like “hey, whats up?” “nothing much lol” for like,,, an entire year

also chloe does not admit to herself that she has a crush on kagami for that entire time either

meanwhile adrien and nino and kagami are all a little confused bc chloe keeps flirting at nino??? and adrien is like “im pretty sure she likes girls but idk???” and nino keeps being like “hey chloe what’s up, i just got back from hanging out with my amazing girlfriend alya who i am very in love with,, and who is my girlfriend,, who i am dating”

and chloe has literally no idea why he is doing this but continues to flirt at him and subconciously hope that kagami will catch some of her flirting vibes and falls in love with her

so basically

they are all stupid

BUT Chloe and Nino do become actual friends and chloe actually respects him for the amazing wonderful smart talented kind person that he is and he helps her make some new friends and they get to the point where they are a super great study group and she’ll listen to all his homework assignments and proofread some of them when its like finals cramming time and they are supporting each other and their friendship is good

[dukeofonions]

hi so i.found ur blog and its honestly like a breath of fresh air to look at so if its ok i might just fuckin,,vent here.

so. ik a lot of other people have been talking abt how pof was really straining to watch and i am.very late to the party but i need to talk abt it bcz holy fuck. when i first watched it i was in a way better place mwntally, also the general excitement of wow,content kinda overrode the headache and the eye hurty and the just. bad. but i was rewatching it recently because i was basing a fic off it and i just. i couldnt finish it because all of it was just so much and there was no fuckin warning?? so that was pog ig

next thing because i have. a lot of thoughts. ive been in the fandom for not-very-long, i joined in the middle of 2019 or something.and it just kinda sucks because im only still here for the fandom. i love the series but i can only watch dwit and compilations of logan/roman being sad so much before i can basically recite them off the top of my head. but i reallyreally love writing for the fandom!! it makes me so happy to do the writing, its just the fact that im not as invested with the series that makes me feel,,idk man guilty ig?? anyway thats too deep for a rant so im.a move on

god so tw me not liking post aa virgil and me talking abt toxic friends but hoooly fuck man. i just. pre aa virgil was fun because he was snarky and sarcastic and i could actually stand the nagst because his character made sense?? he was the 'bad guy' and he wasnt as woobified back then and he was honestly a solid vibe. but post aa virgil gives off the vibe of that one friend who fuckin, gets angry at you when you bring up any of your mental health issues and then blames their outburst on their mental health issuea and its like?? no i hate that character dynamic. people say bad things when the feel bad, sure, ik i have, but its the vibe of 'im gonna threaten you and then blame it on my mental health but if you so much as look at me wrong while ur having sensory overload or something i will smite you with the force of one thousand suns' and i am just.so tired. also ithink someone else said this but we should just call the series 'virgil sanders and the rest' because thats what it is now ksbdjqkbsq

also (all ofthese are my opinions btw and im not trying to say im rigbt im just tired honestly) the way. in pof the way patton's whole thing is 'you need empathy' is not funky fresh for both people with low empathy and high empathy 😎 bcz ppl with too much/too little empathy are always told theyre 'cold' or that theyre 'oversensitive', the whole 'there is an average amount of empathy and if u dont have that fuck you actually' is icky and bad and gross. i do think patton's character is really well done in the series but that episode jjust personally. ick.

and finally the moment uve not been waiting for bcz this is probably really tiring to read but the moment youve been waiting for-fwsa.just. why. its cute and stuff and i love nico. nico is a vibe. also bathroom man john is great. but shouldnt roman still be on shit terms with thomas?? like lk we're just gonna sweep away the whole 'i thought i wad ur hero' shizz? cool cool, glad to know romans arc still aint happening. also i get it, we needed to cement that virgil is a light side now. but like..did we?? actually bcz this is so long im gonna send in a second ask (im sososorry if this clogs up ur ask box if u tell me to stop i will i just. many thoughts) abt how even though i hate virgil, his arc should have been done. so differently. just gonna put like,, a mushroom emoji here so u can put the 2 asks together if u want 🍄

You’re always free to vent here! Sorry it took so long to respond but life has a cruel habit of getting in the way of things I need to do. 

So for starters, the POF problem should be talked about more so I can assure you that you’re not late to the party. It never really got the amount of attention it deserved so I am more than willing to bring that back up and trust me, you’re not alone. 

And again, you’re not alone in this either! Plenty of people still enjoy creating content for these characters. You don’t have to feel guilty for not finding the actual series interesting because honestly, I’m kinda losing interest too. But I still love these characters and I love that the fandom is still creating stories with them through different mediums.

Honestly I agree with just about everything you said about Virgil and I do eventually plan on tackling a lot of this in a future post. You know, if I ever force myself to just sit down and write the dang thing... 

Oh my gosh I’ve been waiting for someone to talk about this because that whole thing about empathy in POF really ticked me off because you’re absolutely right, not everyone is 100% empathetic, and some people can be empathetic to a point where it hurts themselves. Like I get what they were trying to say but it came across as, well, like you said. “If you’re don’t have this exact level of empathy then eff you I guess you’re a bad person.” Maybe that actually wasn’t their intention but it sure came across that way and maybe I’ll go into it a little more in another post because now that I’ve been reminded of it again I kinda wanna talk about it more. 

Okay yes, FWSA on its own is a good episode. Heck, it’s one of my favorites. It feels closer to a season one episode than ATHD that’s for sure. The problem with this episode isn’t the quality but the fact that it comes right after POF. And I’ve basically gone over this in my “Problem With Asides” post and how it affects both Roman and Virgil’s current arcs so I won’t go into much more detail here but just know that I pretty much agree with all of this. 

Also don’t worry about cluttering up my inbox. It’s here for people to share their thoughts and that’s exactly what you’re doing! Hope to see your part two soon mushroom anon! 

[autumn-foxfire]

What Im thinking about today: BNHA n stigmatization of psychology.

The thing is, we as humans are very ready to help each other (most of the time). Thats why we try to rehabilitate prisoners, thats why we volunteer, thats why proffesions such as doctors, social workers and psychologists etc exist. I think we talked here before how most villains in the series havent been failed by heroes, they've been failed by societal safety nets that were meant to catch ppl like them, just like social workers try to catch endangered kids and psychologists try to catch people with mental problems.

Now i study psychology so ill concentrate on that. Obviously it depends from place to place but mental care is still very often looked down upon as 'something for crazy people.' I have personal expirience with that as when i suggested to my dad that maybe he should look into a psychologist too (after my brother started going to one) cuz he has some issues that he could use a hand dealing with, his response was 'what? But im not crazy'. I study psychology and he still often makes jokes about me treating crazy people in the future. I interviewd a school psychologist for a class and she told us that one of the first things she has to do in a school is get students to relax and feel comfortable coming to her with problems cuz there is a very clear stigma in everyones mind that asking for help with your mental problems is something bad, something wrong, something that means you are crazy, wierd, other and people do fear that stigmatization. Going to a psychologist doesnt mean you are crazy, it means you are having problems that you cant deal with on your own and that you need proffesional help with. Nothing more, nothing less. Those problems can be depression or they can be helping you to deal with lingering emotions from your divorce. Big or small, psychology is simply there to give you support and tools you need to feel good again. You wouldnt stigmatize someone for going to the doctor for a soar throat or cancer so you shouldnt stigmatize someone seeking p much the same help for mental illness.

But people still do because things ingrained in society are very very hard to uproot and things are going for the better with every generation but its a painfully slow process and there is no telling how many people fall through that net because they dont seek help when they still can because they think 'im not crazy im not gonna go to those mumbo junbo psychologist that mess with your head' which is very much like going 'im not gonna go to a doctor for my infected wound, they would mess with my body'. Untreated infections spread and get worse and people fall through.

This is what leads me back to bnha. We dont know exactly how long the world of quirks existed, i think i saw a post breaking it down to be for about 100-300 years but for the life of me i cant remember. We know its not terribly long. 100 years may seem long until you remember a single human can live to 100 years old. Now my question is, if a science such as psychology that has been present since like ancient greeks n egypt n stuff can still be stigmatized.

How accepted would quirk counseling be?

Lets not forget that quirks were heavily discriminated against in the begining, treated as monsterous and the other and the acceptence of them is still something fresh and more extreme mutations still face hate groups. Like its completly canon that there are people alive now in bnha whos parents or grandparents faced discrimination or died because of quirk discrimination (cough redestro cough).

Imagine being Togas parents.

Your child displays a quirk like that. You still have in memory your parent or grandparent who was discriminated and monsterized because of a similar quirk. Quirk counceling exists but why should you take your daughter there. Shes not a monster, this isnt something you should get someone else involved with, its a family matter and what do those counselors know anyway, they will treat your daughter as a monster and make everything worse. You can handle this yourself, you can teach her to supress it. Shes not a monster.

The wound festers.

This especially goes hard for japan whos big on the keeping things in the family aspect and not discracing the family. The stigma is still fresh in the memory and you dont want to be that family whos kid goes to quirk counseling. You shut the doors, you shut the windows, you deal with it within the family.

I think that while quirk counseling exists in bnha, it would most likely be seen as something thats shameful to atend, a admitance that you dont have control over your own quirk. Your friends might say 'what the fuck man why are you going there, you arent a monster' even if a quirk that has negative effects should be treated as shortsighted eyes that need glasses. Just because it doesnt function well, doesnt mean its bad. But well stigmatization of disabled is a whole nother thing our society also has problems with and that also connects to bnha (cough aoyama cough). I think thats why its so easy for people in bnha to fall through those safety nets. I do belive they exist but they are new, probably not the most super effective as most new things tend to be and are probably looked down upon.

And hate to break it to shiggy and the crew but thats the kind of a problem that can only be fixed my longterm education and normalization of asking for help rather then burning the systhem to the ground.

I hope that made sense i always get a little loopy with my points when i write a long one fgdgff

No, it makes sense.

Mental health is still stigmatized everywhere, even here in the UK where we’re supposed to have some of the best health care available (which is debatable). To bring something a little personal into this, my flatmates and I were playing a guessing game where I had to describe a word with other descriptions being taboo (in my case it was headache) and as my flatmates know I suffer from chronic headaches, I said as a clue that it was something I get often. Well, a flatmate who was a little tipsy at the time who knows about my depression shouted depression to my other shocked flatmates (I didn’t mind, in fact I found it hilarious). But after we had all calmed down, one of my flatmates said something that stuck with me: “Maybe you shouldn’t overshare things”.

Now, I don’t see telling people I have depression as something I’m oversharing. It’s not private, it’s a mental health condition I suffer from that can kill me if it goes unchecked (before starting medication again, I was very suicidal). In fact, it benefits both me and my flatmates to know that I have depression just in case. And yet it was viewed as something that I was “oversharing”.

This attitude has only arisen because people treat mental health as something that is shameful and should only be known among family members. In fact, I had no clue that DASS (a disability service in uni) was actually also for mental health issues because we’ve been raised with people treating mental health as something “in our heads” and so isn’t as important as physical disabilities, it was only until my uni pointed out that it was there for every condition, physical and mental.

The point I’m making is that I can totally see mental health in BNHA be treated as a shameful secret. Japan doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to mental health anyway (don’t they have some of the highest suicide rates?) so it wouldn’t surprise me if the BNHA universe is the same. In fact, the only mental health issues we’ve seen in BNHA currently are the extreme examples of it such as Twice and Dabi’s mania.

I would love to see Horikoshi delve a little more into quirk counselling and the potential stigma behind it. I know it’s been brought up once or twice (UA treats it as something normal but as teachers who see mental health issues all the time, it’s no wonder that they do) but not enough in my opinion when it’s probably one of the most important stop gaps between making villains.

I don’t have much hope, admittedly, but it would be something fun to explore in fanon too!

[kuroosdumbslut]

Kaminari, Sero, Bakugou, and Kirishima with an s/o who had to drop out of college

~Aged up~ One hundred percent self indulgent due to the fact i dropped out of college for my own mental health

Kaminari:

Ok so Kaminari is actually the one to being it up first, and for good reason

While he’s already secured a job as a pro hero, you decided to go to college! at the time, it was the logical choice in your mind, but then denki was coming home to you in tears, or very close to tears, due to your class load

obviously the state of the world didn't help with your stress levels and he was so concerned for you

the last straw was when you had a full mental breakdown and just spewed everything weighing down on you, and it broke his heart to see you in such emotional pain

“Baby, sweetheart, you don’t have to go to college. Obviously I’m not going to force you to quit or anything but you're in so much distress...I make enough for like 5 of us, babydoll, if finances are weighing down on your mind!”

he's very sweet, but he's gonna ramble a little, trying his best to calm you down and comfort you at the same time

when you do finally make the decision to drop out, the moment you pressed the withdrawal button, it felt like a ton of weight just disintegrated off of you

kaminari was glad to see you not as stressed almost as soon as you finalized everything

“there you go, baby... always choose your health and happiness over everything, okay?”

he's really encouraging to you and will gladly give you love and affection when you get down and berate yourself for dropping out

Sero:

sero was pretty perspective of how you were feeling, and he could sense that you had an unhealthy amount of stress built up

he wanted to talk to you about possibly cutting back on classes or seeing if he could help you in some way, but it was a bit to late

he had been relaxing on the couch after work, you were in your office getting work done for your classes, but sero was up in a split second when he heard you scream in frustration and then sob

he ran in your office to find you balled up and sobbing, textbooks and note pages strewn all across the room

“Mi amour, come here baby, come here...” he held you close and let you cry into his shirt as he gently rubbed your back 

“it’s so frustrating!! I can’t figure it out and I’m so overwhelmed the entire time I’m doing work... I hate it, I fucking hate school...” 

it hurt him to see how much school broke you down, but he just sat with you and listened to you rant

“Sero...would you be mad at me if I dropped out? Maybe not forever but for right now?” sero straightened up and pulled yu even closer, pressing a flurry of kisses all over your face and the top of your head

“My love, I’d never get upset at you for that... hell, I don’t blame you for wanting to drop out. I mean, I just went straight out of U.A. and into pro hero work. If you need to, then just drop out. You gotta put yourself first!”

he was right there with you when you withdrew and dropped out too, holding your hand when you started getting shaky and second guessing yourself and was there cuddling you when you decided to take a nap 

if you decide to get a part time job? he’s supportive. you want to take some time off from doing anything and just exist for a bit? he’s supportive. 

he just wants you to be as happy as possibly <3

Bakugou:

bakugou first notices how stressed you were by the way you were constantly putting homework and classwork before anything else

“I’ll get food later, I have to get this thing in...” “I’ll come to bed in a bit, I have to do this paper...”

He knew you were working hard to just power through this semester, but he could see how much you were neglecting yourself and never giving yourself time to relax... and he could tell you were close to your breaking point

He’s gonna sit down and talk with you before you have a full breakdown

“Hey, babe, I need you for a second.” if you don’t come to him right away, he’s gonna carry you away from your work station and make you sit with him on the couch

“You’re overworking yourself, dumbass. You hardly do anything except school work. Are you okay?” While he knew you were extremely stressed, he didn’t expect you to start tearing up

bakugou frowned, brows pulled together in concern as he scooted closer to you and held you to him. you were shaking, seemingly trying to hold back from fully sobbing

“Hey...baby, look at me...” bakugou, with uncharacteristic gentleness, tilted your head up to look at him and his heart clenched at how sad and exhausted you looked. eyebags, bloodshot eyes from both crying and staring at a screen all day...

“i-i don’t think I can keep up going to school right now...I’m so overwhelmed, Katsuki...” you were quiet, nearly whispering it, but bakugou heard you

“then take some time off...clearly this isn’t working for you. you can’t run yourself into the ground, dumbass. and you aren’t weak for quitting for right now, you’re putting your health first...”

he’s a little awkward and doesn’t exactly know what words to use to reassure you, but it helps regardless

he can see how much stress was released when you finally dropped out and was lowkey heartbroken that you were holding that much stress over school

Kirishima:

he loves you so much, but theres a chance he doesn’t immediately notice your stress due to him trying to go above and beyond at work

he had come home pretty late, probably around 2am. patrol ran late that night and he fully expected you to be fast asleep, so he was surprised to hear you call out to greet him

“welcome home Eiji! I’m in the office!!”

kirishima wandered into the home office and found you attempting to finish an essay. youre eyes were bloodshot and you looked absolutely exhausted

“pebble, you’re up pretty late...maybe you should stop for the night and come to bed with me” he watched as your eyes widened

you frantically explained how much work you had due and how you didn’t have time to take a break, you had to get it in now! you explained the amount of work the professors had assigned and how they were expecting more just because its all online for now

kirishima agreed with you that it was way too much work, picking you up in his arms and carrying you to the bedroom to get you away from the thing thats stressing you out the most

once in the room, you finally broke out in tears. “Eiji, im so exhausted... I just wanna drop out and not deal with it right now, im just getting depressed-”

kirishima wrapped you up in a tight hug, giving you small kisses all over your face “then just drop out for now... you shouldnt be forcing yourself to power through school while youre clearly not mentally okay right now.”

you teared up more but nodded, holding him tightly as you fell asleep with him

the next day you officially dropped out and kirishima could visibily see you let go of stress, slumping in your chair with watery eyes

he knew you would be hard on yourself, but he was glad you admitted that it was too much and decided to take a break from schooling, and he’d be there for you when you tried to beat yourself up over “giving up”

in turn, kirishima also cut back how much extra he was doing as well 😌 he became more aware of both your stress and his own

[oysters-aint-for-me]

ok so I have a not-awful-but-still-significant cough/shortness of breath/scratchy throat/swollen lymph nodes, and a bit of a headache, and the feeling that there’s a hair stuck on the back of my tongue. I thought it was probably allergies bc my eyes are also watering sometimes and my throat is itchy, not sore, and I don’t have a fever, but now the cough is getting worse, and of course it’s possible that I’m subconsciously making it worse bc of my hypchondria/health anxiety, that would be VERY on brand for me. but i don’t know for sure. but the thing is, I really don’t leave the house very much. I’m too anxious abt it. last time I was in an indoor public place was last Saturday in a grocery store with a mask on and I was very very careful abt touching stuff/my face and used hand sanitizer before and after. but of course I don’t trust myself enough to be like “I DEFINITELY didn’t touch anything” bc if I did touch something but didn’t realize it, then how could I possibly know if I touched it! that’s just logic

so if I DO have COVID, I’d have to have gotten it from my parents, who’ve both been out and about for work and stuff, and they both seem fine aside from blocked ears, and my dad just has asthma and allergies all the time so he’s coughing but no more than normal. which means I probably don’t have COVID.

but the n what if they DO have it but they’re asymptomatic? and for some reason I’m the one that’s gotten it?? I guess that’s fine bc my greatest fear of catching it is giving it to my parents but idk I’m still freaked out!!! My dad is gonna get tested tomorrow, since he’s the one who’s out the most (he SHOULDNT be bc of his asthma but he’s kind of backed into a corner w work, long story)

Long story short: I HATE this!!! Gov. Charlie Baker Shut Down Massachusetts Again For My Sanity Challenge!

[nonbinaryparrish]

‘plant care for absolute dummies’ - a youtube pynch au 🌿

gansey + blue are going away on one of their hippie holidays to the middle of nowhere again and they’ve asked ronan if he’ll look after their copious collection of plants. now, ronan can take care of animals - pets, farm animals, strays on the side of the road that he carefully scoops up and nurses back to health in his front room? easy. but plants - who make no sign to indicate that ronan is accidentally killing them before it’s too late? a fucking nightmare. 

and yet, a few days later, ronan finds himself unlocking the door to blue + gansey’s apartment and finds a page long list of detailed instructions for each plant they own. and gansey, the pretentious asshole that he is, has listed them all by their latin names and provided no photos. naturally, ronan panics. then he turns to google (he’s too proud to text or, god forbid, call blue + gansey just yet). the google search ‘how not to kill plant’ yields a youtube video: “plant care for absolute dummies - part one: the basics” by ‘parrishsplants’. ronan smirks at the title - ‘absolute dummy’ is the exact box ronan would put himself into in this situation - and clicks play.

(this totally got away from me, so read more under the cut!)

the man that appears on ronan’s screen is the most beautiful man he’s ever seen. there’s something about his face - the wide, deep set eyes, the clever, quirking mouth and the soft waves of his dusty coloured hair - it makes ronan feel like he’s looking at a face reflected in a pool of water. there’s something liquid and unusual about him, and it makes ronan’s mouth go dry.

the man that appears on ronan’s screen is also an asshole. not maliciously so, but he’s dry and sarcastic in a way that ronan instantly takes a liking to - he speaks like he’s perpetually a second away from rolling his eyes, and his thick southern accent drawls in the best fucking way. but. there’s also something gentle to him -  the way his long fingers gently brush the leaves of his plants, and the small sweet smile on his face when he finally says, at the end of the video, “as an old friend once told me: it’s not that hard if you just believe in yourself.”

the video ends, and ronan instantly goes onto the man’s channel - there are hundreds of videos. ronan feels gluttonous as he scrolls the choices; videos on specific plants, videos on the does-and-don’ts of terrariums, and rarely (incredibly rarely) there are personal videos. videos about training to be a paediatrician, videos he made with other youtubers, and a couple hippier, stranger videos about tarot cards and psychic stuff that ronan isn’t sure he believes, but even those reveal very little about him. ronan learns his name is adam, he’s from virginia, and he went to harvard medical school. there’s even a degree hung up on his wall behind him in his earlier videos - when it was just adam with his crappy phone camera - to prove it.

adam, it turns out, has a video pertaining to every one of gansey and blue’s stupid plants, which takes a lot of googling of latin names and perusing adam’s videos to figure out. he watches each one - they go into much further detail than gansey’s notes, and fill in vital gaps (why didn’t gansey note that the big bowl of moss could strictly never be put in direct sunlight?? it was like he wanted ronan to accidentally butcher his and blue’s plant-babies). 

with the help of adam’s videos (and not at all thanks to gansey’s crappy notes), blue and gansey return to find all of their plants not only alive, but thriving. ronan smiles smugly as blue exclaims that her cactus’ flowers have budded again, and he simply shrugs innocently when gansey asks how he managed it.

that evening, ronan goes home and wipes the proverbial dust off his twitter account. he’s used it exactly once to tweet ‘got twitter so gansey will shut the fuck up’, and so it takes him about three minutes to find adam’s twitter and to figure out how to direct message him (”you mean ‘DM’, you old man” matthew would kindly tell him). 

‘hey’, ronan types, and instantly cringes. he deletes it, then retypes it. ‘i had to look after my friend’s plants and i’m shit with them, but your videos were really helpful. thanks’ his thumbs hover over the keys, debating if he should add ‘also you look like all my most peaceful dreams were turned into a single person and i want to rub lotion into your dry ass hands and feed you fruit’. 

he decidedly does not type all of that, and quickly hits ‘send’ before he can weasel out of it. he then stuffs his phone at the bottom of his underwear drawer and hides his head under his pillow.

an hour later, his phone buzzes. ronan ignores it. it buzzes again, and then again. ronan reluctantly peeks at it - it’s from adam.

ronan snatches the phone out of his underwear drawer and flops onto the bed. not caring if he looks desperate, he opens adam’s messages immediately:

‘I’m glad they were helpful :-)).  Hopefully this has convinced you that you can just about manage to keep a cactus alive? (That’s the first thing I managed not to kill, haha.)’

ronan smiles at the ridiculous formality of adam’s texting style.

‘somehow,’ he texts back. ‘i struggle to imagine uve ever killed a plant’

‘Haha, nooo.’ the response is surprisingly quick. ‘A friend of mine got me to start because she said it would be good for me to have ‘company’.  She told me that plants are good listeners as long as you listen to them too. I realise how weird that sounds, but I stopped accidentally killing all the succulents she gave me once I just took the time to sit down with the plants.  Now I’m kind of obsessed, hah. I guess she was right - I needed company. Sorry, that was way too much information.’

ronan’s grinning from ear to ear like a loon. he texts back, and adam responds, and then ronan texts him again - and suddenly it’s 1am.

‘shit i shouldnt keep u up’ ronan texts. he’s sure adam probably has to be up at some ungodly hour for his training.

‘Oh, I didn’t even realise the time.  If I’m super tired tomorrow I’m blaming you, asshole. (I’m kidding.) I really liked talking with you, Ronan. If this isn’t overstepping, I’d love to talk again? I really do have to go to sleep now, though :-(.’

ronan bites his lip, his heart racing. ‘id like that too, plant boy.’

‘Ok, Ronan :-). And I’m totally going to find a demeaning and overly simplistic nickname to give you in return... Just you wait. Goodnight :-))).’

ronan sends adam a goodnight text, grins, and rolls over to go to sleep.

[jenicon]

sorry if this isn't ok to ask, but how did you go about working for games? do you need to build a good portfolio and then freelance it? or is it a stable job at a certain company? or both? and did you learn 3d by yourself or did you go to some school? do you need to do concept art to do 3d art? i find im not very creative and get so overwhelmed but i'd love to do both, is that a sign i just shouldnt look into it? how did you choose this career path? have a good day

hey anon! It’s totally ok to ask! I’m pretty swamped with work atm so this is a refreshing change haha

How did you go about working for games? Do you need to build a good portfolio and then freelance it? I guess I got my foot in the games industry when I first got into art school. I was in a 1 year program for game art, with the program focusing mostly in 3D art. During that time, I had my first taste of making 3d art, did a bunch of game engine stuff, and even made some assets for movie quality stuff. As for the portfolio, it is extremely important to have one. Every interview I have had they would pull my portfolio up and ask me my thoughts, process, considerations, challenges, etc. for each piece. A good portfolio website to use is ArtStation. I am not sure which part of the game dev career you’d like to pursue, but this is mostly true for the art side. I cannot speak for the software engineering facet of game dev. Is it a stable job at a certain company? or both? It can be a stable job, but it most often is not. This career is notorious for not being unionized, as well as mostly contract work. Work hours can be brutal, depending on the company, time of year, etc. My time at EA was a bit of an outlier, we had amazing benefits (including dental and vision), a gym, physiologists, personal trainers, nutritionists, a VERY healthy cafeteria, extremely diverse teams, and just generally really good with work/life balance. I barely worked any overtime at EA, if I did I was paid and also got free food. If the team was doing a ‘team overtime’ to meet a deadline, our manager would get us catering lol. Also every Friday we had a buffet and drinks (including alcohol). HOWEVER, this was short lived as I was on a 1-year contract. It’s sort of an unspoken thing where everyone is fighting to get that spot for contract renewal. You get this sense of dread the months leading to your contract termination, having to look for a new job as soon as you can, or choosing to rest because of burnout.

Did you learn 3d by yourself or did you go to some school?  Like I said above, I went to school. It was hella expensive, and sometimes it feels like it wasn’t worth it. But I got the connections I needed there, and learned the ropes with much needed support. I never did 3d before I went to school for it. It was more of a ‘fuck it’ moment for me (my mental health was not the best then), and luckily I found myself loving my work. School is good if you need structure, or like you mentioned, if you feel overwhelmed by all the information out there. I think of my time at school as a first step for me. I did not learn everything I needed to know to get a job in the industry through school, but rather, I had to do my own research using the tools I was provided with by my time in school. It is a continuous learning activity; you will be learning new things until you die. Technology improves so quickly, you have to be quick on your feet and be willing to learn entire new workflows.

I find im not very creative and get so overwhelmed but i'd love to do both, is that a sign i just shouldnt look into it? That’s prefectly fine! I have not worked on an original piece in years haha. I find I’m not creative in the traditional sense where I can come up with ideas on the fly and imagine things up. I’m creative in the way I solve problems and think up ways to achieve certain effects/looks, and it bleeds into how I make tools as well. (ever see me posting 2D art? yea I barely do that bc I suck at it) You should absolutely look into it if it gives you joy. The thrill of seeing something you make move or come alive on screen is amazing.  Being overwhelmed is normal, and is completely expected. There’s so much information out there, it takes a lot of time just to sort through it, so take your time. Just be careful of being paralyzed by it into inaction; this has happened to me so many times. Just remember to take baby steps. One tip I can give you that I haven’t seen said out there: make your own documentation. I have a whole ass google doc of just everything I know about 3D art. It’s got sections for Zbrush, Maya, Unreal Engine, Marmoset Toolbag, Arnold, Python, etc. I add to it every time I learn something new. And believe me, you will learn something new almost every day. How did you choose your career path? What can I say? I just love making things pretty :) I come from a third world country, and the prospects for making art were... bad. I did not want to get stuck living a life working a job I hated, so I came to Canada to get into this career. Starting salaries vary, but to me, they were good enough and I had my eyes set on that. If tuition was X amount for me, my starting salary was close to 2X :)

I started in games, but am now working on a TV show for [redacted]. It’s been such a fun (but very stressful ride), and I hope to continue doing this for the forseeable future.

feel free to shoot me asks, I’m always happy to help a fellow dev / aspiring dev!

[heir-of-the-founders]

Just a warning, this is gonna get kinda dark and messed up, so,,

Uhm, TW gore, blood, broken bones, falling, trains, fear, trauma

I had a thought but i really dont know how to put it into words, but imma try

Basically its this: bad things happen in one of two ways. Either everything is completely normal and then something terrible comes out of the blue, like an accident, or its starts mounting little by little.

The second one also happens one of two ways. Either you CAN stop it, but you dont, like some health things or even some environmental things, (though, thats not the fault of the individual, except the 500 individuals it IS the fault of), OR you cant stop it, and you just have to watch as something terrible slowly starts to encroach on your life. Like being tied to train tracks and not being able to do anything about the train thats coming.

Theres,,, honestly not much point to this. Its just an interesting thought that came to me.

Like, a lot of terrible things,,, they just happen. You get in a car accident that changes your life forever, or theres a bombing no one saw coming. Stuff like that.

But theres also something to be said for having a mounting fear, and the complete helplessness that comes with it. And, honestly, this ones the worse one. In my experience at least.

Like, i had two of them in the same day. One directly related to the other.

Basically, i was having a normal day, and my friends and i decided to go to a local hangout spot. This spot was a bridge that went over active train tracks. One sec, i have pictures

This bridge.

Its in the middle of nowhere, so nobody really bothers about having the cops called for loitering or disturbances. I know you can get the cops called on you if youre hanging out at the park. You can also stay here past curfew.

So. My friends and i went there. And we were dicking around, being kids. I was the second oldest, at 17. The youngest was 14 or 15 i think. But. I leaned back, because there was supposed to be a railing, but there wasnt because some asshole named dominick ripped it off a few weeks before. So. I fell. 30 ft. Broke a bunch of stuff. Om like kinda traumatized now i guess. I still have a limp and i cant sit or stand for very long. And im terrified of literally any height. The single step to get out of my house freaks me out. If i look at it too long i can have a panic attack. Its kinda bad.

But honestly, after i was on the ground, it was over with. I didnt know i broke my back at that point, so i didnt know that if i moved wrong i could sever my spinal cord. As far as i knew, that was as bad as it was going to get. Except. I was laying on active train tracks. There was probably a train coming. And because of how i was laying, i probably wouldnt have died quickly. I might not have even died. I would have probably been an amputee though. Because my leg was over the track and i couldnt move it because it was broken so badly. And. We called 911 but we didnt know what the bridge was called. We didnt know where we where. I was trapped.

A couple that lived nearby came by because they were coming home. They talked to the police for us and told them where we were. The lady put her jacket over me. She was nice. Except. I later found out that neither of them were usually home, and that this was a very rare occurrence.

Also, before i left, there was a train. They got it stopped in time, but it was close enough that if the couple had been even a minute later, it might have hit me. Because there was a slight curve right before the bridge. And there were enough trees that they couldnt see me. I remember that terror. That fear. That i could do absolutely nothing. The only option would have been for my friends to carry me to the side. But both of my legs were broken, and i later learned my back was too.

I dont like thinking about what would have happened if that couple hadnt come when they did. But sometimes. Sometimes i cant help it. The thought just. Comes in my head and i cant make it go.

And sometimes, when im trying to sleep. I close my eyes, and all i can think of is the moment my feet touched the ground, and i felt and heard my leg snap in half. The moment of pure terror, when i used the momentum of the fall to roll onto my stomache. The feeling of not being able to breathe at all because of the impact. The pain in my chest that i now know was because my sternum cracked. The desperate need to let somebody know i was there. The fear when all i could do was scream. The fear when i couldnt even do that. My friends screams. The anger that i felt when they almost didnt call 911 because they had stuff they shouldnt have. The raw fascination and bland terror when i could see my bone and muscle from the cut in my arm. The jolt of fear when the officer got there and was checking me over and said "her leg is... obviously deformed".

I dont know how to cope sometimes. I barely talk to any of the people that were there. I dont know anybody else thats been through something like this and i cant even bring myself to tell my therapist.

Id never even broken a bone before and then suddenly i broke 12. Id never been in a hospital for myself and now i know nurses by name.

I remember being so disoriented because the morphine they had me on for a week made me have really vivid dreams of going about my normal day. I remember waking up a little from my surgeries and just being in so much pain.

I just. Sometimes i get so scared.