#i shouldn't be dealing with this at all i literally have fucking covid this is ridiculous

[confinesofmy]

i don't have a therapist anymore so now i'll just post stuff like this on tumblr i guess 😄

yesterday my grandmother called me and said she was taking me to the er (bc i have covid). i said "what" because. because what the fuck lol. and she elaborated and was super insistent. i tried to protest a bit, made a lot of very good points might i add, which i don't really need to because ultimately it's my decision regardless of how good my points were. but anyway. she continued trying to make me agree to it and when i kept arguing she got more emotional until she was literally crying and saying stuff like "adam, think of someone else for once, you don't know what i'd do without you."

feverish, foggy, and so fucken bewildered, i kind of laughed and told her that she really needed to talk to someone else about this because if there's one thing i don't need when i am sick as a dog it's having to try to talk her down and make her feel better. i don't need to go to the er or seek any medical help, i would just spread the disease further and accrue medical debt, all so i could be refused treatment bc i'm not sick enough.

today i brought it up again because it cannot go unaddressed and i wanted a fucking apology tbh and she admitted she hadn't understood why i got upset and also at one point told me i needed to stop making it all about me. so that happened. these are interactions that occurred. isn't that crazy.

[unveilandresist]

I literally cannot possibly explain how shattered I am because of the absolute lack of giving a shit about covid. it has decimated my closest relationships. people say they support disabled people but when it comes down to the slightest bit of consideration they are fucking gone. it feels more and more every day that we are just supposed to shut the fuck up and die.

being chronically ill when the people closest to you won't take precautions is fucking soul-rending.

my mom, who understands the incredible risks that covid infections cause to all of us (hint listen to science and epidemiologists not politicians or the cdc, they don't give a shit) didn't wear a mask this weekend around my little cousin who is disabled from birth because she didn't want to deal with my aunt and her family who doesn't care.

like...you should still wear a mask? if it's important it's important!!!! care for disabled people is so fucking conditional. my 10 year old cousin couldn't advocate for himself even if he knew exactly how much a risk covid could cause to him (and shouldn't have to because adults should look out for him). I'm so tired of people not giving a shit and I think about the immunocompromised kids who have no agency all the fucking time.

please understand how you are being manipulated by propaganda and give a shit about your fellow humans.

wear a mask to the doctor and pharmacy and grocery store even if you can't at work. please. the fact that masking has been stigmatized has led here in my state of NC. stand with us. wear a mask. we deserve to live and exist in public space.

they are making it illegal to mask at all for anyone here. push back and normalize mask wearing before the whole country is like this. if you don't care about anyone else care about yourself. repeated covid infections have a cumulative effect and absolutely cause long term disability.

[makingmeagirlwithluv]

Hi my loves! My OT7 fic is getting it's first chapter within the next 24 hours. I worked extra hard to flesh out the first chapter for you and I think I'll probably add drabbles here and there to flesh out the in-betweens of each chapter.

I want to talk about some things you can expect from this fic and maybe something will intrigue you 🤭���.

Female reader:

Has her own money, will spend yours. Is absolutely fucking if she feels like it. Is ignoring you if she doesnt. Has these boys on a roster I don't know. Is she a bitch or is she not behaving how you hoped? Is not jobless but her job seems to be being cool? Being interesting? Literal hottie dream girl.

Open communication. Dom/Sub/Switch depends on who's there. She literally does not give a fuck (for now). She owns who she is and doesn't apologize. Probably has fucked your fave celeb at some point.

"It's not a big deal babes men are interchangeable". Makes you feel wanted just by being there. Listens to every single member and holds space for all of them. If she tantrums every now and then maybe you shouldn't have fucked up idk?

Is very aware of how she pulls people in. Will not be a doormat for you or anyone else. Hot hot hot. Sweet sweet sweet. She's a brat but kind. You either love her hate her or want to be her.

OT7:

These boys are down bad? Also kind of ridiculous? They don't take no for an answer (and that's the problem lmao) She's barbie they're just ken. They be fucking though let's make that clear ☝️. Theyre respectful but simped the fuck out. Give them one margarita they gone open they legs. All of them have their own special thing with the reader it's actually really sweet. Definition of be careful what you wish for.

Setting/location/time period:

Covid doesn't exist lmao. Glam Instagram model/social media socialite reader. Idol!Ot7 BTS. I'm probably not going to make it set to a particular year but just picture all the boys as they are now or have been in the last three years. Main character be flying out everywhere so multi locations.

I'm really excited for this fic, I wanted to write a fic where the woman wasnt crying every other chapter 😭🤭. But I'd love for you guys to like this if you're excited and the first chapter will be up super soon! 🤝

[reinedescauchemars]

the college experience, so far:

made a title ix complaint because of a presentation that it was mandatory for me to attend that allowed mockery of gender identities, including my gender identity

would have made a larger complaint about how that presentation also allowed mockery of socioeconomic backgrounds and sexual orientations but i only felt like i had enough proof for for harassment based on gender identity

reread a survey consent form to make sure that i didn't accidentally consent to my responses being shared verbatim, as that is what had happened during the presentation

had to explain to the student life office for the housing i live in that i moved in four times

found out the resource center specifically for queer students is only open four hours a day and discovered that those times do not work well for me

had to re-enroll in a new section of one of my classes because they opened up too many seats in the previous sections and decided to drop everyone and then make us all re-enroll literally three days before classes start

tried wearing press-on nails because i didn't have enough time in one go to paint my nails but they popped off when i helped a friend assemble some furniture

discovered my go-to dining hall food from my go-to dining hall got taken off the menu (also it was the only vegetarian option for that dish and i don't like eating the meats that dish normally includes)

spent a ridiculous amount of money to buy a physical copy of one (1) textbook because my parents didn't want me to just pirate it even though i told them my professor said, in the vaguest of terms so as to not cause legal trouble, to just pirate the textbook

have been mostly surviving by skipping meals and free food because i'm not a morning person and there is so much free food as part of welcome events

got woken up by garbage trucks and loud cars every single morning because i live above a major road

bled out of an orifice i shouldn't bleed out of, which was probably due to a health condition i likely have but am ignoring because i don't even have the time to deal with my one diagnosed chronic health condition

had a major pain flare because of a vaccine reaction, but i guess i'm glad i'm vaccinated against the flu and covid, even if it put me through hell

tentatively agreed to go to rush week to rush for sororities even though i am not interested in greek life

almost got hit by a car, because drivers here apparently think it's a good idea to start going through an intersection as people are crossing at the sidewalk right in front of them

stopped feeling emotions the way i used to, which is kind of disturbing but i'm going to assume it's fine

the sports team with a pride flag at their table tried to recruit me, which means i either looked gay to them, they're desperate for new players, or both

got offered lactaid at a pizza lunch and didn't take it even though i know i'm lactose intolerant because i didn't have the energy to care

received a beanie with the name of the department my major is in on it because i was able to remember the name of a program that was mentioned in a presentation (it is also rather warm where my university is and it is permanently the wrong season for wearing a beanie)

found out how many ambulances are in the city across the border from us and somehow remembered this information even though it has no relevancy to me

ended up sitting still on a towel on the shower room floor for so long that the motion-activated light turned off

but y'know what? this is still fucking better than high school

[westleyjackson]

I live pretty close to Conyers (luckily outside of both the evacuation and the shelter in place areas) so I feel like I've got a little more info about what's going on than tumblr at large. We're about 20 miles from the fire, which as far as the wind is concerned, is not far at all. I could smell it before they even sent out the alert on our phones about it and assumed one of our neighbors was burning something they shouldn't be...

First off, I'd like to point out that there IS an area completely evacuated (tbh, i've not kept up enough to know if they still are, my bad, but they were for quite a while). Homes and businesses that were in close proximity are/were EMPTY. Overlooking that is ignoring the biggest response to the disaster for the people put at most risk.

Second, even without the super smart explanation of the science behind, I can tell you from my own experience with the smell that this is happening exactly like they say. During the majority of the day you can't smell anything. When you first wake up though? Like the during the times I'm having to wait at a bus stop with my kids? Everything smells like chemical fire/chlorine/ass outside. And that is TWENTY miles from us. Once the day heats up, the smell dissipates. In the evening it takes a while, but you can start to notice the smell a couple hours after sunset.

And look y'all, I get it. I live in GA and i worked in downtown ATL during covid. I know exactly how bad the government can be in dealing with emergencies to public health and safety. Our governor (Kemp, you've probably heard of him because he and Trump have a love/hate relationship much like DeSantis in FL) fucked us all over so bad with doing as little as possible to help during the early days of covid, fought with Atlanta and it's mayor/legislature (including taking them to court!) To UNDO the measures they had put in place. And then he lifted the shelter in place early cause "the economy." So I understand the inherent distrust in the government from a very personal place. But before you fear monger, do a quick Google or something. The EPA and all of the local government is doing what they can in a situation that should never have happened. It also came literally like the day after Helene passed through here. Those of us living here would appreciate yelling at the right people (ie the company and whoever the he'll let them pass their inspections in the past) rather than the officials who are honestly a bit overwhelmed and doing their best.

[ullgetthere]

.

ok to recap this past month from absolute hell

i found out my sister was sexually abused and then also meaning it is almost certainly confirmed for me too, and little things keep popping up and i keep having weird flashbacks, nightmares, and other ptsd episodes

then because of that and other stress my health has been the worst it's been in about a year and i have the emergence of new potentially really concerning/serious symptoms. my body has felt on fire for over a month, my heart has not gone down, and i have had severe pain in my side, plus i almost ended up in the hospital one night and that was a whole mess

then my roommate got covid so having to deal with the stress of isolation and precautions and worry

then i found out my dog needs to start even more heart medication

the i found out one of my old partners died but oh not only that but then going back to read our messages i realized that there was a lot more going on than i thought and i just have a fucking memory hole from that time and because i opened that i was transported back in time and now oh my god i miss him so much and i'm so much sadder because i opened up that feeling

oh yea ok and then i got into a huge fucking fight w my partner and they said some of the meanest shit i have ever had someone say to me as an adult

and then through all of this i am not only getting next to no help/support but also having to take care of things i shouldn't have to be 😭

literally my body can not take thisssssssss i'm so tired i woke up at 5:30am after also hardly being able to fall asleep last night and i genuinely feel like i'm gonna throw up

my body has hurt worse than it has in at least 3 years and my dysautonomia is the worst it's been in god knows how long

pls put me out of my misery thank you

[bitetherabbit]

loooong vent post cw for sh towards the end. im so tired, man been having some rough days and i just need to write it out instead of following through on other ideas

i literally don't know what to do i can't keep living like this anymore i feel so trapped and i don't know where to begin to help myself, im an adult but i feel like a fucking child especially when im regressed or even when my anxiety takes over and stops me from doing necessary things like make phone calls or make appointments, i don't like going outside alone or driving elsewhere because i don't want to be seen, (gender dysphoria, having to mask to interact with people). i stay inside this shithole of a house that i've been trying to clean up and make livable but it's a lot of stuff that doesn't belong to me so i can't just get rid of it, i can only sit in my bedroom and rot (can't afford to move out.) at least i was out of the house when i was working, but i had to quit my job recently because that specific company was sooo toxic and i couldn't take it anymore (story for another day), and now i get instantly stressed and anxious any time i try to job search and so i give up, and i can't just go out and get a basic 8hr standing around job because my body is in regular pain all the time now, moreso after having covid twice my joint pain has gotten noticeably worse (another thing i need to call a dr about and deal with but i haven't) and also now that i'm aware of the fact that i mask severely around others, mask behaviour, mask health, and have learned more about autism and had a fucking revelation about myself it's like my symptoms of everything is worse like the dam broke and there's nothing holding it back anymore, like i've forgotten how to be a person around others and how to talk to people, because my body and mind are so burnt out all over and it's probably been holding back all this shit my whole life including the trauma. like, what don't i remember from when i was a toddler??? because when im regressed that's the age i feel. what happened back then??? and i know some might say i shouldn't be complaining when there are solutions right there, call your doctor, find a therapist, apply to jobs, but at this point i'm so stuck and everything is overwhelming i just can't do it by myself i can't i can't i need someone to take care of me i need someone to help me do it. there's so much shit i don't know where to begin!!! and i don't know what set it off, but i've been feeling like a fucking child for 3 days now and i don't have anyone to talk to about it (my family asked me if i was "tired" and did i get enough sleep) because i don't want to bother them with it since they have their own problems too going on right now, mental health issues are a lovely generational thing in my family, and im struggling because i know they all love me to the moon but sometimes they can be so toxic to each other and i just take it all in and absorb it.

and i've been trying so so hard to learn more and educate myself on trauma and neurodivergence and i'm trying to break the cycle of passing your own trauma on to your children (good thing i don't want kids...) and everything i learn i see happening in my family and it explains why they behave this way. and this is the side of my family that doesn't include the narcissistic parent i don't speak to anymore! (another story for another day)

so lately i'm like, "huh maybe my trauma isn't just from this one asshole parent. looks like it's wayy worse on this side of my family than i realized", now that i'm an adult and can understand better. and while it's not behavior generally directed towards me like the narcissistic parenting was, this shit is like, they haven't sorted their shit out and so their trauma is traumatizing me (the kid/grandkid) as a result. because i'm close to my family. I love them. and it fucking hurts to see them react to each other when they're stressed, and then react unhealthily to me in other situations because of their lack of ability to self regulate.

and i just want to fucking rip my head off!!! my brain has been thinking about c*tting up my legs and i FUCKING HATE IT i don't want to do that i don't want to i don't want to it doesn't help anything and you only feel worse after!!! it's been a little over 2 years and im holding strong. don't give in now.

breathe

i can't blame them for not trying to heal and better themselves if i can't even contact a therapist to do the same for myself, right? i can only do so much on my own, but i feel like i have made some progress, even though some days are still so fucking hard. i've been researching and becoming aware of things, learning techniques to help myself. if i don't actively do the work then am i any better than them?

i can see now the reasons for their behavior and idk it allows me to forgive them? but is that the right thing to do if their behavior keeps continuing? is someone at fault for their toxic behavior if it stems from being untreated/undiagnosed and traumatized their whole life?

see these are questions for a therapist.

i feel worn out now, but less wound up, after writing. it really does help to release feelings this way. a thought for another time but it's like i can yell as much as i want to in writing and it feels so good. (i feel like i've lost my voice, my self, due to trauma. will write more about that at some point.)

[bpd-angelcake]

guess who's back 🙃

tw: lots of ed mention

hi lol where do I even begin first off like... lmao every time I come back on this blog I think of that one ask that I got that was like "do u come back on here when things are bad??" and no lmao not always

life hasn't been bad it's just been busy im always busy i work a full time job and my social life has been the busiest it's ever been and im thankful because I love my irl friends so much and I do love my job as annoying as it can be and idk things aren't bad. they're not.

but I know my mental health hasn't been the best lately and I can't even blame my bpd. I had a really bad episode at the beginning of February and I tried pushing all my friends away because I thought they were over me and didn't take me seriously and they all came back to me literally crying wondering what was wrong and I felt so shitty and they don't know I have bpd (I don't talk about it in person unless we're going to date because I hate when people perceive me a certain way once they find out I'm not normal lmao) so we had to get in a circle and talk it out it was so rough but honestly I have never felt more secure in a friend group before in my life it makes me so sick thinking about it because idk what I'd do if anything were to change but whatever.

but idk I was doing so good with myself I was on top of my skincare and keeping my room clean and following through with things and idk everything just fell through the cracks and I feel like I have no control over anything in my life once more. I'm trying so hard to be better but it's hard. I just started saving money again because I spent so much of it the past few months and I'm so disappointed with how bad my spending got and it wasn't even for a good reason lol so I am trying I promise but ugh I feel like I was up there!! and I'm back at rock bottom.

Another thing that's been bugging me a lot is my weight too... back in 2020 I was so thin and I looked good and I had done it the right way by dieting and exercising but covid came and I got into that toxic relationship and I gained so much weight back and I look in the mirror and I am so disgusted with myself and I hate it. I see all these cute plus size girls on social media and I literally love them and think they're so beautiful but I look at myself and I can't even deal. I have to be a bridesmaid for a wedding in October and im dreading it because I'm going to look so bad....

I ordered a cosplay a few months ago and it came a week ago and it didn't even fit 🙃 I almost had a full mental breakdown about it and tbh I am 90% sure it ran small (not cutting myself slack because I know I'm fat but I also know how to measure clothes) but it made me so upset I literally relapsed and I've barely eaten this whole week. I tried to eat a spoonful of rice because I was so lightheaded the second it touched my mouth I threw it up.

And now I feel so fucking lame because I'll go on edtwt and see these girls posting their stuff and they're all in their teens and it's like.... I'm in my 20's dude I shouldn't be doing this shit anymore but I do and I hate it because it's all I know and it's so comforting because I'm literally a professional at it like I know all the tips and tricks I know what to do when I accidentally binge I know how to curb cravings and what excuses to say when I don't want to eat in front of people it's so sad because I thought I was over this but I guess not.

I haven't weighed myself yet, I was going to do it tomorrow but ugh all I need is to see that number go down or else I might kill myself because I can't do this anymore!!!! this is my life I feel like I'm 14 again in the worse way. IDK I might start posting more about it (with tags ofc) so if that's not your thing I understand but it's all I have to make me feel better and I'm not looking for advice I'm not looking for tips I just want to vent and if you're going to judge me do it kindly please lmao bye

[frostbite-the-bat]

urgh. im not gonna be able to shut up about this now just due to how much it hurt me. i can't believe i got basically laughed at and belittled for not knowing how things work after FINALLY. ***FINALLY*** speaking up to my mom about my pains and how i should seek a doctor - not mentioning everything yet and just speaking on my hands and the carpal tunnel shit ive had for a year straight (notably, since i had covid!!!) and that i can't do much in a work place since that's what i'm in the process of finding. i was told if there's issues to speak up on them, but i cannot do that without anything from a doctor. i can't do that without the help of my parents despite being an adult now. if i did have the strength - i'd have to do it behind their backs and lie.

basically denied any and all support and laughed in my face, because "its because you sit and draw at the computer for 12 hours" and "its okay ive had this for 20 years and i work fine" nonoononon ur not supposed to be in constant pain!!! even if its caused by me being 'just unfit' and 'drawing all day' to the point i cause harm to my hands - it's still pain to be looked at!! even regular ol carpal tunnel should be checked!!

but for me it took me a year to realize it's more than that and almost my whole body is affected and i'd like to not only have it confirmed by doctors - but also get help that way!! i cannot work normally like this!! i coudln't do that even at practice (where i had way less rights i mind you. i couldnt do anything i was under the thumb of my teachers. at work i can just..quit.)

finally after everything...i speak up. and what do i get? laughed at my face and belittled. as always. this is fucking why i don't trust anyone. this is why my parents don't know anything at me. i'm a joke to them. anytime i speak up about anything small or big - i am ignored and pushed to the side as either "too sensitive" or that "thats not a problem". seriously all health problems to show up are ONLY treated at home. never at a doctor.

oh try to set boundaries? omg ur so sensitive i was JOKING ur so whiny. so sensitive. arent u an adult now? jesus.

like do they realize this is the reason why i don't speak up ever. why i am the way i am? just because you can't see it or feel it doesn't mean it's real. just because it 'CAN BE CURED AT HOME' doesn't mean i shouldn't see a doctor about it. (not to mention my mental health - physical health issues are more frequent. my emotional needs and my boundaries and comfort has always, ALWAYS, been ignored and belittled)

i know literally nothing about how this world works, i cannot just leave, i'd doom myself. that's why i gotta deal with this a little longer. and it's fucking agonizing especially as of today to have even more confirmations that my issues aren't gonna be taken seriously. oh im too hyperactive and silly to have REAL problems.

i fucking hate this and i'm getting really bad thoughts again, ones that i haven't had in forever. like. if i was hurt more people would listen to me, finally. like hurt and abused harder or having some accident happen to me. maybe then they'd listen. i wouldn't let that happen, of course. but i think about it sometimes. maybe then it'd be serious enough for me to be taken seriously, too. i'm so tired of this.

is support from the only people i have in my physical life aside from my ONLY friend too much to ask for? i'd say 'then they wonder why i spend all day online', but thankfully they never ask. in fact, they let the internet do the job of raising me for them for the most part!

it's a fucking mess.

[cloama]

Misplaced aggression is so wild to me bc it is pointless and a time waster, especially when pointed at someone like me. I been doing the same bpd workbook since I was 15. You cannot try to handle me in a way that won't leave you looking foolish to anyone overhearing our exchanges.

But I will say I'm getting tired of coping with cruelty.

Never having caught covid, I feel like the only sober person at a kegger sometimes. Like did Covid melt everyone's brains. Is everyone struggling to cope? Something has changed. People are outwardly horrible. Without sounding ableist i can only compare it to what happens when seniors show symptoms of Alzheimers. Some become aggressive when that's not that natural demeanor. I am seeing this happen to people who I know have had multiple covid infections. Couple that with the price of living doubling overnight and people are just not doing well.

That bit aside. Shit aint curling all the way over for me myself personally in having to deal with all y'all. People keep trying to be cruel to me. Trying. Not succeeding. And I know why they try. I look kickable. But how many times will I have to teach people that I actually crave violence and am looking for a reason to maim, but I choose to be a decent human being. How many times will have to keep scaring the shit out of bullies? How many fucking rounds of disarming and teaching will I have to do with fully grown adults?????? I'm an adult. I left my bullies in high school. I owe adult bullies nothing.

Still here I am 34 years old and I have to show teeth and make myself big like a bear at least, or use my teacher voice once a week, which is all stressful for me because I have a hard time calming down after defending myself...because I shouldn't have been put in that position in the first place. This is why agoraphobia be beating my ass some days. Because why leave tge house when outside is literally plague in the air and shitty people on the land.

Like...it is not rejection sensitivity if you're being a dick to me. That's me struggling to cope with a cruel world. Ain't nothing in my workbook about the constant unending horror of humanity. That is not in the text. Sitting in therapy processing some shit that I didn't even do????????? Processing shit the world did to me for no reason other than race glass and perceived gender????????????????No. No more.

Nope. I'm about to start processing all over anyone who tries my nerves. Watch the fuck out.

[livingasaghost]

remember in high school and college when i chronically overshared on tumblr about every little thing and then i was like "no no that's too personal i shouldn't share that nobody needs to know that"

well joke's on yall because i am still a chronic oversharer!

so basically you all surmised that i signed for my own solo apartment. i got the keys last tuesday and i was hoping to move in this past weekend with the help of my dad. it was supposed to be a simple thing...and now i am sitting on the couch in my old place with my entire life in boxes and a full-ass covid diagnosis. how did we get here you may ask?

basically the unit i am renting is not the one i toured or signed up for. which shouldn't be the end of the world, i'm flexible, the space is mostly similar....except that it smells like cigarettes and also there have been a million other tiny problems. the appliances aren't as new, the tub needs help, there's just no microwave???, the fridge doesn't really open properly, there was water pooling in the bathroom sink, when i got there the first time the deadbolt lock was wiggly, the ceiling outside the unit is literally falling down??? and also one day when i came to check out the unit there was a notice from the sheriff for the previous resident to vacate the premises. so totally chill!

i kind of had a breakdown about it when i first saw the space but then i reasoned with myself that i was just making a big deal out of nothing, that it could all probably be fixed, and some of it was fixed by maintenance...but after going to the leasing office three days in a row trying to fix all these problems, i still have to deal with the cig smell, NO MICROWAVE?, and the entire thing just feels more and more unsafe. not to mention it wasn't what i thought i was paying for, especially for the price range.

and i think the biggest thing too is that the one person i kept talking to in the office was both incredibly unhelpful and really quite rude. and sure maybe she was having an off day (three days in a row???) like i can be empathetic for sure....but goddamn i am a new resident you should at least tRY to be nice to me! i think i deserve that at the very least!

so anyway dad came to visit and tell me i'm not crazy and we toured my unit again and both agreed that this isn't what i thought i was getting so we gotta talk to someone before i move everything into that godforsaken unit. we try to talk to the office on saturday but the lady (again, rudely) told us that everybody was MIA until tuesday but there were two other units similar to my style/price range so okay maybe i can look at one of those on tuesday

...except sunday i tested positive for covid and so obviously now i am bedridden and i can't speak bc my voice is almost gone and so okay i'll just have dad call the office to sort things out....except when he calls the office they say they'll call him back with someone who can actually deal with this (nobody ever calls back in that office, i know from past experience). so okay maybe i'll send a message in the resident portal! (again, nothing)

now last week i think i spent 3-4 days just stewing in my anxiety, feeling like shit, not eating or sleeping, and the best part of my day was going to work. bc that's how bad i felt about this whole thing. but now i am out of work until next tuesday, i have even less of an idea of what to do, and i'm arguably losing more money the longer i wait but i feel this strange sense of peace. like nothing matters! i will be okay bc i am privileged but i will use this to spite landlords and capitalism and i will continue to be angry! bc what the fuck! literally could have been a chill little thing if they would have just walked through the unit with me like i asked the moment i got my keys but nO she didn't want to do that because i was inconveniencing her!

god the more i think about it the more furious i am for the other people they've inevitably done this to

i'm so so lucky to have incredible parents and friends to support me through this bc it quite frankly sucks ass but what are we doing about the lower class! how are we helping them!! how do we stop this from happening to other people!!!

anyway, now you have context, i'm back to being an emotionless blob watching parks & rec and sniffling on the couch let's all pray that xfinity doesn't realize that they haven't disconnected the wifi yet oops

[marowreck-archive]

i get so defensive over the whole transmisandry isnt real discourse thing.

people are out there acting like this is an Online Take or whatever but dude? I'm part of my local transmasculinities group. in that group we have nonbinary people, transgender men, men on t, men that cant go on t, other transexual people that don't even know what transgender is. poor people, people that are more well off, working class people, all different kinds of people. and these people in real life IN A COUNTRY YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT (aka not the us) are fighting for the same thing, we just don't use that one word! we are fighting to be seen and be heard because we know we are erased and we know our struggles are massively downplayed by literally everybody. we are fighting for our rights too.

did you know that the biggest lgbt parade in the world (são paulo, brazil!) has been holding online parades the past few covid years? they last over 10 hours! i managed to watch some of it the past couple years, and they are very interesting. they hold discussions and talk to other lgbt people. did you know that last year out of those 600 minutes of duration, we had about 2 minutes of representation? 2 minutes of transmasculine people onscreen. we were literally BARELY acknowledged at all. i can think of ONE single trans man character in national tv on the past 10 years or so. shouldn't we fight to be in these discussions? shouldn't we be acknowledged as a part of the community that exists?

by the way! this is literally the country where public healthcare covers gender affirming care! do you know what they don't cover in a lot of places though? testosterone! it's not over the counter either, so you have to get checked by a particular doctor! or do 2 years of the required gender therapy if you want any surgeries done then wait 10 years on the waiting list. there also is minimal infrastructure to deal with transmasculine people that want procedures because most doctors simply aren't aware that transition also goes the other way. Doctors refuse to help transmascs transition because they don't want to "ruin young girl's bodies" (literally something said to me! on a consultation i was paying for!). this didn't happen JUST TO ME. we're just regarded as fucked up delusional girls by doctors! this is literally a whole thing that just happens! my friend couldn't get his top surgery with a doctor because "nah you don't look enough of a man. come back later when you do". shouldn't we fight for our rights to be treated medically?? to be respected on whatever we want to do (or not!) with our bodies?

you literally CAN'T tell us we're not erased or aren't oppressed against unless you have your head THAT DEEP in your own damn ass, dude. you can't tell us we're in the wrong for also wanting to be heard and respected. read the room a little. talk to real people maybe??

[mack3030]

Just as an FYI...

Maybe it's JUST ME but I personally think that if I were a creator and I had people confused on if I was following EA's policies or not and I saw people questioning that, I'd first be looking at myself and MY communication on the subject to see if I could clarify it rather than just outright attacking people and acting like they have an issue with me. Like, if you clearly state your policies and it's as plain as can be that you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, okay. But if you start to have people who are confused and express their confusion and frustration over not knowing what you are doing...they're not your enemy. They're not spewing hate. They're confused.

It doesn't help that there are a lot of creators using loopholes, double-speak, sob stories and other things to try to get people to ignore the fact they aren't following the rules....like...check yourself first. I don't think people understand how tired we all are. Everything is expensive. We've been in a hellstate since 2020 due to COVID. There's wars, shootings, division, political unrest...like people just wanna play their damn game without everyone asking for money every single second and making su feel like we're just cows to be fucking milked. Is that so damn hard? People act like we're suddenly turning against everyone or we're going crazy or being "hateful" for just being DONE with being exploited. It's so fucking manipulative. Do you talk to victims of violence or abuse this way? Because that's what the narrative is sounding like:

Then we have the folks who make this shit even worse by showing their whole asses and literally making comments comparing CC making to s*xual assult and the h0locaust. So now in addition to having all this real life drama that we wanna get away from, we now have to deal with people showing their asses in that way. Add in the wonderful induced guilt from a lot of people posting sob stories to try to convince us they aren't out for our money....and we are just at the end of our emotional rope. This is supposed to be relaxing for us. We shouldn't have to worry that we're a walking bank to y'all. We shouldn't have to worry about being "tracked" when downloading CC.

We shouldn't have to worry that if we speak a concern about behavior or quality to a "big" creator we'll get mobbed by their followers and get hate. Good creators shouldn't have to worry about being lumped into the category with bad creators or losing income because bad creators scared people off from patreon entirely.

None of this should have had to be a problem. But because people didn't talk about it, didn't speak up about the rampant abuse going on in this community of the custom content policies, because some of y'all gave certain creators a pass because you "liked them"...this is what it has come to. The few people who spoke up got shouted down and abused for speaking on what was wrong. So we don't have mercy anymore. And that's it. We don't have the extra ability to be nice. So sorry that it's inconvinent for some of y'all, but perhaps you should have spoken up and been a bit louder when I and others asked you to.

[rjalker]

Yeah I just saw a post of people acting like antivaxxers and Covid-deniers are not only oppressed, but more oppressed than people who face racism.

So yeah. I really do feel the need to point out, as funny as it is that Murderbot thinks killing all humans is the world's stupidest idea, it is kind of fucking playing into the whole "oppressed people shouldn't use violence to fight back against their oppressors".

Like yeah, sure, in the context of "oh of course all robots wants to kill all humans", Murderbot going, "no, why would I want to do that? That's stupid" is funny in comparison, but not really when you look at the bigger picture of Martha Wells being a white woman, and all her fictional character classes that are oppressed so far are oppressed because they are legitimately dangerous.

SecUnits have guns in their arms and are stronger and faster than humans several times over. If Murderbot really wanted to, it could probably send an entire spacestation crashing out of orbit.

Raksura are oppressed because people mistake them for Fell, who literally murder and eat entire cities of people at a time. Raksura are stronger than 90% of groundlings and could kill any groundling they wanted with zero trouble. Most Raksura treat groundlings with hostility and don't treat them like people.

Even in the wizard hunter series, people who've been put under the affect of curses are oppressed...because a lot of people who were affected by a curse were cursed to start killing people.

Like, of all of Martha Wells' books that I've read so far, I think the only oppressed class of people that wasn't oppressed because they're legitimately dangerous and people have actual real safety concerns, was whatever the heck Khat is, since I don't recall them being particularly dangerous or threatening.

Real people aren't systemically oppressed because they're legitimately dangerous and can kill a whole city full of people with minimum amounts of effort.

The same is not true for constructs like Murderbot or Raksura.

Martha Wells keeps writing characters who are oppressed because they do literally pose a legitimate, very real threat to other people, and that's not how this works.

Like if you look at how Martha Wells write about oppression, it's quite literally this post:

cyproterone (deactivated) said:

fantasy that deals with dynamics of oppression in their world almost always fucking sucks because the writers never have any idea how oppression and persecution function, so it’s like, oh these poor people are being forced into glorified prison schools and law enforcement treats them with brutality and common people are distrustful and prejudicial towards them HOWEVER these people can also randomly turn into murder monsters who shoot fire in all directions

“my name is David Fantasywriter and I think oppressed people are oppressed for a perfectly justifiable reason such as Turning Into Demons For Fun”

Like. The Raksura do in fact literally turn into demons for fun. They literally evolved to eat other people. That's the entire purpose for them having a "groundling AKA normal person" form in the first place. So they can sneak into their camps and eat them.

I'm re-reading The Murderbot Diaries again, and I'm at the part where Murderbot and the ComfortUnit are talking again, and it's just really annoying how this other construct saying it wants to kill the people enslaving it is seen as something ridiculous and absurd and "only an idea a human could come up with".

Like yeah, it's so absurd that someone being oppressed might want to kill the people oppressing them, how silly and absurd /s.

It would be fine if literally any of these characters, including Murderbot, actually did fucking enact violent plans to rescue other oppressed people. But Murderbot doesn't seem to give two shits about any other constructs except itself. It only freed the ComfortUnit because of what it had just learned about the other ComfortUnits. It only tried to free the CombatUnit because it was currently trying to kill it.

For a series about oppression, The Murderbot Diaries doesn't really do much to fight back against oppression at all, and keeps condemning the idea of violent revolution, and yes, that's what it's doing, even if it's set up as a joke about how repetitive "robots rebel against humanity" stories are.

There is, in fact, a place between "robots rebel and kill all humans" and "robots don't fight back at all and don't try to free eachother".

The Murderbot Diaries has six books and two short stories, but despite it being stated over and over again that constructs are oppressed, no one seems to be doing anything about it, not even Murderbot, who so far has not displayed a single fuck given for other constructs in the bigger picture.

All it does it keep reiterating how dangerous Rogue SecUnits are, and how even other SecUnits should be afraid of them.

The change in my configuration would fool scans but not another SecUnit, and any Unit that detected me would report it to their HubSystem immediately. I sure as hell would have reported me. Rogue SecUnits are fucking dangerous, trust me on that.

How is this supposed to be a meaningful story about oppression when even the literal narrator keeps telling us how inherently dangerous and out of control these people are and it'd be better for everyone if they were enslaved again because they're just so fucking dangerous???????

"if any currently enslaved people realized I was free, they'd report me immediately, and I'd do the same if our roles were reversed, because non-enslaved people are fucking dangerous, trust me."

like???? excuse me?????

And if Martha Wells is trying to go for a "yeah Murderbot's not even immune to this propaganda" then that should have been something that got addressed immediately, within the first book or the second. Because right now the series is quite literally saying that people should be enslaved for the safety of everyone around them.

Like, I love this series, but I do not understand how everyone else reading these books has not noticed any of this. It's zootopia but with robots, or in the case of The Books of the Raksura, people who do literally turn into demons for fun.

[dwter]

it's not just going to the US. They're in Los Angeles one of the most densely populated cities in the country, not actually following Los Angeles County Mandates, and they're running around the city meeting as Many people as they can in a short amount of time. And they just got there so any tests they're taking are inaccurate and are wasting recourses.

And the party wasn't out of proportion lol. 50 people unmasked in one area that then all split off and went every where across the UK knowing the delta variant was strong and not affected by the vaccine very well could have started an outbreak. They're lucky it didn't

Like if you don't want to take COVID seriously that's fine but you shouldn't act like the CCs are beyond critism for their blatant disregard of the safety others. Cause tbh it's not just about them

first of all dont accuse me of not taking covid seriously bc i literally have been staying home the last week over a fucking cold missing my first week of my hardest quadmester bc i needed to get tested u fucking dumbass 😭 and on top of that i was literally known in my family for not leaving the house for genuinely weeks at a time and continue to never leave the house other than for school bc i actually take stuff seriously. do not try and insinuate shit about ME who u know nothing about during a discussion about discourse over minecraft youtubers u freak 😭 also im not acting like the ccs are above criticism, that was an unnuanced post saying i personally think ppl are being dramatic, not that the crit was unwarranted at all u weirdo. and las mandates literally just seem like masks? even less if youre fully vaxxed? regardless, that wasnt even my point, my point was saying that as long as they are being safe, i dont see the big deal in them doing what everyone else is doing. also u have to get tested before getting on a plane so they didnt “just” get tested, they had to be approved before going im almost 100% sure. and lastly, that party ended up being overdramatized for a few reasons. a) the uk restrictions were no where near the extent of most other places and they were actually well within not just government right to have a party, but socially as well it was acceptable as things over there were very lax b) everyone got tested before hand and it was a secluded event where things were as safe as they could possibly be and c) it was literally just not the big doomsday covid event with a crazy number of people that everyone thought it was. it was like a highschool classroom and a half of people. the big criticism should be to the people who were trying to act like the party had NO risk (imalexxx) and that they should stop caring in general when geenelly had done so much to go against that ideology and make things as safe as possible

[organized-chaotic-disaster]

TW transphobia & manipulation

I gotta vent. I gotta vent so bad I'm sorry, please be careful and consider the trigger warning

I'm so angry with my mother rn. Like I'm. Oh my god. Ohhhhhh my god I'm so mad. I'm pissed. I'm. Furious? idk I just. I'm very angry rn but I literally can't bring it up with her bc she'll REFUSE to discuss it bc it WILL lead to an argument and she won't let that happen (she legit deleted her original fb account and made a new one with select people as friends to avoid my aunt, who was sending her covid conspiracy theories, rather than having a discussion with her about it. Tho to be fair my aunt is sort of. She's very argumentative. Not violently but. In the way that far-right people tend to be u kno?)

I just

Okay

A few weeks ago, she tried discussing a transphobic argument with me without explicitly stating that it was transphobic, she introduced it as "hey I wanna know what your opinion is as a younger person..." and went on to say that she had a friend who was a teacher that has 2 kids pretending to be dogs in their class and that they respond to questions by barking instead of speaking, and that the teacher isn't allowed to discuss this with the parents

And let me say, she literally asked this when I walked through the door after work. After a work day I had woken up for at 3:40AM, started my shift at 5:30, ended my shift at 2:00, and got home around 2:45-3:00. Not to mention the fact that this is a physically laborious job. I AM VERY TIRED AFTER WORK. I ALWAYS AM. I REGULARLY END UP ACCIDENTALLY TAKING A NAP AFTER WORK BC I AM SO GODDAMN TIRED. AND SHE KNOWS THIS. QUITE WELL.

So imagine you're me, walking in the door after a long and tiring day, and THIS is the first thing your mother asks you?? Obviously I'm not gonna know how to respond, but I KNOW it's a transphobic dogwhistle, so I don't wanna give in to it, but I also just. Don't know what to say. What CAN I say about that???? Fuck man

And now I learn that SHE STOLE THAT EXAMPLE FROM MA/TT WA/LSH'S TRANSPHOBIC BOOK/DOCUMENTARY "WHAT IS A WOMAN." SHE LITERALLY LIED TO MY FACE ABOUT IT. Because she framed it as an actual thing her friend was dealing with. But no. She took this and made me believe it was actually happening to someone she knew

AND not to mention that I have MASSIVE difficulties in verbal conversations bc I'm autistic. Obviously not all autistic people are this way, but for me, my brain freezes up, idk how to act, I don't know what I should or shouldn't say, how to express it, what body language or facial expressions to use, etc. I CAN'T form an argument verbally, ESPECIALLY not while put on the spot like that, while I'm tired and not expecting it

Basically, I have a very difficult time expressing my thoughts unless I have a lot of time and space to make sure my point is clear and understandable. That's why I very much prefer text-based communication and time pressure makes things very difficult for me. A big part of this is my slower processing speed (legit, my scores on the IQ test I had to take for my diagnosis were all in the 60-something percentile, one was in the 70-something percentile, but processing speed was exactly at the 50th percentile. I think and process things very slowly, at least compared to my other mental capabilities)

SO AGAIN, I say that putting me on the spot like that was absolutely unfair. And knowing she stole that example has just made me even angrier about it

She manipulated a situation to make it nearly impossible for me to reasonably argue the point she was trying to make because. Why? Oh yeah, because she doesn't want me to "stray from god" or be "confused" by "secular ideas"

Because she's violently transphobic

And she probably thought this was a perfectly reasonable thing to do because that's exactly how Ma/tt Wa/lsh did things in his discussion on the topic. So this is a perfectly legitimate way to discuss opposing viewpoints, right?

God I just

I'm so mad

I hate it here

With all this going on while I'm actively going through some massive questioning on my own gender identity... I wish I could move out. That I could cut ties with my family. Because fuck these people

I WANT them to see how this is wrong, I WANT them to learn to be the compassionate people they RAISED me to be, but I just feel like they'll refuse to, particularly if they're giving in to this kind of propaganda

It's just very... disheartening, I suppose

Rant over, sorry for so much negativity lol