#i should say bc as mentioned many of these deal with trauma

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

*trying to understand WHY i feel like Vaggie would love having Susan around despite ppl hating her*

no see it's like this- there's a DIFFERENCE between someone like Susan and someone like Adam!!!

Susan, she's grumpy, stubborn, rude, insulting, BUT!!! If you give her a reason to think her criticisms weren't accurate or convince her she didn't have the full picture while making them, then she WILL change her mind!

She goes from booing Charlie's stammering speech to the Cannibals (and being all fuck you blue blood eat the rich which XD love it) pointing out how Charlie is NOT making anyone feel confident in her... but then once Charlie comes back with a rousing song, Susan listens. She chimes in just to clarify some things (if she fights for the hotel will she get to EAT PEOPLE) and once Charlie really gets into the whole fuck heaven it's time to fight back (lining up with Susan's eat the rich frame of mind) Susan switches around and NODS along with it! She changes her mind about Charlie! She follows Charlie back to the hotel and into war!

This old lady might be a piece of work but she's not an arrogant self-entitled one who won't give people a chance. She will let people try to convince her. She'll hear them out. She does change course once she feels she was wrong.

Compare THAT to an angel like Adam, who only listens so he can interrupt and laugh at Charlie. He's so convinced he CAN'T be wrong he'll scribble divine rules of getting into heaven on a sheet of paper on the fly and then act like they really ARE rules even though he clearly made them up on the spot- he submits them to court as EVIDENCE while IGNORING every other piece of contradicting evidence shown to him!

Adam isn't an asshole bc he's rude or mean, he's an ass bc he never thinks he might be wrong or should maybe change what he thinks or does. If it doesn't build him up then he won't listen to it. Arguing with him was useless- he wasn't ready to be convinced of anything he didn't already believe in.

So when Vaggie cheers for HIM dying, I think of Susan and how- to Vaggie- this old snarling cannibal lady would be like, the anti-Adam.

And the anti-Alastor too bc Susan glares and rudely lays out the truth as she knows it damn the consequences, instead of smiling while slipping lies by omission to ppl to get what she wants from them.

(a la Alastor in ep one trying turn helping out with the hotel advertisement into a favor, first by making a shitty one and then pressing Vaggie about not having anything better, until Vaggie points out that she KNOWs he'll get nothing out of the hotel if it fails anyway, meaning him helping it isn't some big gesture of trustworthiness it's literally just Alastor helping himself, dressed up to make Charlie and Vaggie feel grateful and indebted to him, which Vaggie at least has no patience for)

(add him not mentioning the dead angel thing until after he's gotten a deal with Charlie out of it, and of course miss hates-herself-Vaggie, who held back on her angel past for years to protect herself from more trauma would see too many similarities there)

(even tho one case was- as far as Vaggie can tell- a shameless power grab from Alastor taking advantage of Charlie being at her lowest, and the other was Vaggie being so ashamed of her past she couldn't stomach admitting to it)

Susan is NOT like that.

Sharp teeth is where her similarities with someone like Alastor ends. Surface level bluntness is also where her similarity with Vaggie might end too, for now

I look at Susan and see someone I think Vaggie wishes she could be.

Susan is someone who is honest. Someone who gives no fucks and isn't scared of being tossed aside (again) or being powerless

(like Vaggie and Alastor are scared)

Everyone in Cannibal town CRINGES when Susan shows up, no one looks or sounds HAPPY to see her or hear her speak up and does she seem to care? No. Do they all seem to also respect her and what she says...?

Yeah. They do. Susan is not talking out of her ass or being an ass. She's just sounding like one.

Vaggie miss "cut the crap" and "formerly an exorcist until she saw signs of how that might be wrong actually" would like having someone like that around, I think

(especially if it pissed off Alastor)

(Carmilla, who only keeps secrets to protect her family and seems to listen to advice even when she doesn't take it, would probably NOT like being challenged by a rude Susan either.... but Susan mainly just didn't want to blindly follow someone she didn't have confidence in, or fight without seeing what the reward for the risk would be. Carmilla would respect that, I think. Carmilla doesn't have time for bullshit either and also likes to cut right to the facts of a thing, as seen in her and Vaggie's meet up, so a Susan would be.... tolerable... in small doses. And worth having around. Occasionally)

(but only OCCASIONALLY, vaggie)

(charlie would probably also have to draw the line on ONLY inviting Susan over once a week or month or bi annually or so)

(it's a mental health issue and and a safety issue of Charlie not strangling Susan with her own dead fox boa when she gives an honest bad opinion of Vaggie's new wings or something)

(vaggie thinks it's hilarious)

(then again vaggie hates herself soooooo)

I headcanon Vaggie would love a Susan in her life but would need a Charlie around to balance it out~

GRANNY SUSAN! GRANNY SUSAN!!!!

[butch-reidentified]

ima go ahead n answer both these at once if that's good w yall.

here's the referenced post for anyone who missed it.

I've posted a LOT about adoption before. feel free to search #adoption, #ethical adoption, #adoptee or #adopted, etc in my tags for those posts. if you can't find them bc Tumblr is shit at searching lmk and I will try to dig em up. I have a Google doc of organized/categorized Tumblr links because of the search function being such a joke

anyway that said. what I meant is that it is sooo obvious to most adoptees from a young age that it's a consumer industry and we are a product for sale. most of us who always knew we were adopted have that horrifying realization very very young, far too young to know how to deal with it. yes I am glad when other people figure this out too but it's a bit irritating for non adoptees to act like this is some mystical wisdom they alone could've uncovered when it's part of the trauma inherent to adoption to realize you were purchased 🤷

I'm not against adoption like some adoptees are, but I could write ESSAYS on my criticisms of the industry and how it SHOULD work. in fact, I have written essay length posts about it in the tags listed above. but ultimately nobody gives a fuck & NOBODY of any political orientation wants to hear that adoption perhaps isn't the utterly selfless flawless silver bullet solution to unwanted kids that everyone treats it as. yet statistically we KNOW most adoptees are extremely damaged by it, the research is there but nobody talks about it. nobody likes you if you talk about it. the walls go up real quick.

one of my favorite things is how adoption seems to be the ONE area that absolutely nobody respects lived material experience about. even loads of leftists/radfems who are always going on and on about the importance of listening to people's real, lived experiences will aggressively talk over us adoptees if we dare have the audacity to critique adoption/the adoption industry or acknowledge that it's fuckin traumatic even for an infant being yanked away from the only stimuli you knew for 9 months and put somewhere where you can't recognize yourself in anyone or anything for the next 18+ years. and that's best case scenario! scenario where they don't abuse you or spend your childhood guilt tripping you because they oh so selflessly took you in when nobody wanted you and now look how difficult you are, crying all the time n shit... just as 1 common experience I know many share from my own life and talking to other adoptees.

but nearly every time we try to talk about this, even if it has nothing to do with criticizing the adoption industry and we are JUST tryna get painful shit off our chest, some non adoptee or 8 is/are gonna jump down our throat (and often even say all the same shit our parents guilted us with as kids lmao)

it's also 1000% a feminist issue bc SO many mothers are forced into adopting out a kid they wanna keep, or adoption being available is used to justify forcing women to give birth instead of aborting an unwanted pregnancy when those women would otherwise choose the latter. not to mention the designer baby shit & the preference for white male babies... and the fact that it's human beings being literally sold as a good. Just because it's legal and isn't outright sex slavery or "forced labor" (tho adopted kids are so often viciously abused and often in those exact ways) doesn't make it right to buy or sell a human being, doesn't make it not human trafficking. & I say this as an adoptee who was ALSO trafficked as a teenager.

[b4rbi3l4nd]

SOS — i can't lose when im with u

SORRY FOR KEEPING Y'ALL WAITING PLS. BUT DW, IT'S BACKKKK. This one's a short lil cute episode bc snooze by SZA got me feeling all LOVEY DOVEY and shi but DW, the angst and tension will be BACK by the next chapter bc its GONE GIRL

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐋

▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱

series summary: you broke up with shuri a few years ago and left wakanda for good until namor. now that he's killed the queen and multiple wakandan civilians, he's seen as a great threat and as former second in command at shuri's lab and wakanda's loyal warrior it is your duty to return and fight for your country. but a certain somebody makes the mission way too hard to deal with.

episode summary: well…you fucked up and got pregnant. mixed feelings arise at the palace and you're not sure how you want to handle it but shuri knows that she for sure wants to get serious. to top it all off, your greatest enemy has become your ally and your greatest regret comes back to haunt you

genre: MAJOR fluf, slow, slow, slow burn, minor angst

pairing: shuri x black fem reader

episode warnings: mature dialogue, suggestive dialogue, suggestive scenes, cursing, trauma, shouting, mentions of death, suicide, missing people etc. this is a series. you are currently looking at the fourth chapter of the series, please go to my profile to read the previous chapters before continuing (if you haven't read the other chapters yet, if so, please continue)

taglist: @yvxmpire, @sweetalittleselfish-honey, @xxmilli, @queenofsimpsblog, @ziayamikaelson, @shuriislut, @atssukoo, @widowmakker, @cuddl3s4shur1, @n7cje, @ts1mp0ne, @locoforshuri, @inneruniv4rse

proofread?: no but if there are errors then it's grammarly's fault.

word count: girl idfk

inspirations: 'SOS' — SZA

song: 'Snooze' — SZA

send your thoughts and requests ▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱

Shuri looked at you, pausing for a second, an amused smile creeping up on her face as she slowly chuckled but then stopped to look at your face again. Once she realized you were serious, her face slowly dropped.

You stepped back slightly, your awkward smile dropping as well once you realized.

"You don't want the baby..?" You ask, your voice lowering into a whisper as she walked towards you, placing a hand on your shoulder.

"No, no I do. Trust me, I do. I just wasn't expecting…especially since it's been our first time in 4 years.." She looked off to the side but you're still staring her dead in the eye before you raised an eyebrow.

"No." You say out as you break free from her hold, walking away from the bathroom and into the bedroom, Shuri following you confused.

"What do you mean no? Do you want the baby?"

"I was stabbed. In my stomach." You turned around to face her. "The baby should not have made it…neither should I.." You paused, doing calculations in your head as your eyebrows furrowed, your eyes on the ground. Then you paused in your tracks, looking up at Shuri. "What did you do?"

Shuri let out an awkward chuckle, looking at you with an eyebrow raised. "What?"

"When you were operating on me, the surgery, you were informed of an internal disturbance in my womb, I know this..I've performed this surgery millions of times." You built the system to help better surgery for pregnant women 8 years back, and it's been the default surgery system used in Wakanda ever since.

"You knew."

Your hands balled into a fist as Shuri looked at you defeated.

"Y/N…let me explain."

"Go on. Explain." Your face was heating up as you looked at Shuri. She purposefully left the baby in you, didn't tell you for HOW many weeks after the surgery, and then had the audacity to act shocked when you informed her of the news.

"During surgery, we were informed of the baby but we didn't know it was a baby, you were 3 weeks at the time and it was an embryo…I also thought that it was the tether…like you told me so I..left it."

"But you were informed of the possibility of a pregnancy yes?" You ask, narrowing your eyes on her.

"Yes but I didn't think you were that fertile. I mean we only had sex one time and I didn't think you'd get pregnant from it…"

"Yea, well neither did I.." You sighed, turning away to face your body mirror in your room, folding your arms. You saw her walk up behind you and wrap her arms around your waist.

"Alright. I'm sorry…do you want the baby?" You felt her breath on your neck as you looked over at her.

"I'm already into my 2nd month anyway…" You muttered under your breath as you felt her smile.

"How about this," She spoke as her hands roamed your body. "I still want you to be my queen Y/N…I promise, I'll do everything right this time." Her hands trailed over to your stomach and you pondered. "I'll protect you…and serve you, and the baby."

You weren't sure, I mean, this is Shuri and you've been in this boat before. You sigh, looking off to the side as she frowned.

"Come on baby, I'll…" She sighed, letting go of you and walking in front of you, placing her finger under your chin to turn your face to face her. "I swear on everything. You and this baby are all I have left.."

"You have Nakia and Okoye…and T'Challa."

Her mood soured for a bit before it softened again once your eyes met. "You know what I mean. I want to do what I should've done 4 years ago. I promise, it's just you and me. No one else."

"Except for the baby."

"What do you say?"

You never expected this mission to turn into a love story but you should've known better. I mean you're coming back home, to the only woman…only person who's ever touched you sexually. You were expecting a hookup, just not a pregnancy.

"Shuri."

"Hm..?" She hummed in response, her face now in the crook of your neck, one of her fingers playing with your curls, the other holding you tightly by the waist.

"If…I stay with you….promise not to do anything stupid." You looked down, your eyes wandering for a minute as you bit your lip. You had a feeling something or someone bad was about to happen. "This is your last chance…our last chance."

"I promise." ▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱

You walked through the hall, your arms folded. You were dressed in all white, your hair pulled back in a slick bun. The events of this morning were just dawning in your head as you looked out of the tall windows.

Suddenly a woman bumped into you harshly, causing you to almost stumble over and fall on your belly. Luckily, you caught yourself just in time. You looked around angrily as the woman kept walking.

"Hey! Were you raised in a barn or what?!"

She suddenly stopped in her tracks and turned around as your face dropped.

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see you there."

"Malia.." you seethed. You lunged at her but she quickly dodged and grabbed your arm. You got out of her grip, backing away as you remember your pregnancy. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

"Were you not informed? I live here." She smiled cockily as your eyes widened.

"What?!"

"Wakanda and Talokan are now allies, in case you missed that when you know, you blacked out." She giggled at her own joke but she was the only one laughing.

"Get out." You firmly stated as she looked at you with big eyes and then shook her head sharply.

"No, I think I'll stay actually. Shuri offered me a home here and it would probably be in your best interest to keep peace with me, after all, you were the one who cause this."

Your mind raced back to the battlefield where you vividly remember your blow to her stomach causing her miscarriage. She walked closer to you, whispering in your ear.

"I'd watch your back if I were you…and your belly." She walked off as you felt your fists ball up in rage. ▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱

"SHURI! EVERYBODY GET OUT! SHURI!" You stormed into the lab, screaming as the people there scrambled out like your orders. You raced up the stairs as Shuri rushed to you, looking concerned.

"Ay! Baby calm down, why are you screaming?! Stress isn't good for the baby.." She reached out to touch your stomach as you scoffed.

"Don't 'baby' me! When were you planning on telling me that your ex lived here?!"

She sighed, looking at you. "Usana, Wakanda and Talokan are allies now…Namor, he suggested that it'd be best for Malia to live here until the funeral."

You raised an eyebrow, squinting your eyes. "Funeral for what exactly?"

"The…baby of course." She reached a hand to your shoulder. "We also have unsettled wars with the U.S and some eastern countries. She's going to be a valuable asset in battle. I offered her a home here."

"Shuri-"

"I know, but she won't hurt you, I promise."

"You can't assure that." You say under your breath, looking to the side.

"I doubt she's looking for vengeance…I mean, it's not like you killed her baby or anything." She chuckled, looking at you but you slowly turned to her, your eyes widened, your face horrified and in a panic.

"What do you know..?" You sharply voice out, causing her worry, concern and confusion to rise again.

"What?" She asked, confused.

"WHAT DID YOU SEE? WHAT DID YOU HEAR? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!" You shout at her, terrified she knew something.

"Y/N-"

"WHY ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF SOMETHING I DIDN'T DO, I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!" Her hands hold you as she tries to calm you down.

"Baby, calm down, no one is accusing you-"

"NO!" You raise a hand to her, your stress level increasing drastically. "NO!" You walk backwards, the panicked look still on your face, stumbling over a stair.

"Careful! You might hurt yourself!"

You turn around quickly and race down the stairs and out of the lab. ▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱

"And she was panicked, the minute I mentioned the baby…like she knew something.." You heard Shuri talk to Okoye through the walls. You were currently in bed, laying down, a nollywood movie playing on the tv. She made you rest in bed and she got you tea and cookies so decrease your stress. She wasn't lying when she said she was taking this pregnancy more seriously than the last.

"My queen, maybe something happened on the battlefield." Okoye replied.

You turned the volume all the way up so you didn't hear them talking from behind the door. After a few minutes, Shuri walked back into the room, and joined you in bed, wrapping an arm around you.

"Are you alright now baby?" She looked at you but you kept your eyes glued on the screen, only nodding and humming in response.

She used her finger to make you turn to face her and raised an eyebrow. "Use your words entle."

"I'm fine now" You say as she kissed your cheek gently.

"Good…what was that all about in the lab?" She looked at you with concern as you looked away, biting your cheek.

"I just had a threatening encounter with Malia…is all."

The minute you said that, Shuri sat up, alarmed.

"She threatened you?!"

"No, no…nevermind, let's just enjoy ourselves and watch the movie.." You trace her tattoos, causing her to slightly calm down and lower herself into the bed as you sighed. You had to keep this a secret, meaning you had to get rid of Malia. ▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱

"What do you want?" You ask as a woman appeared out of the trees, smiling at you. It was Malia.

You were currently in one of the jungles in Wakanda where she asked you to meet, at night…the only light being a burning fire.

"I want my life back, my baby back, my wife back." She spat at you, walking closer as you folded your arms, standing your ground.

"And I want my father back but we all can't get what we want."

Malia paused as she thought, looking down on your belly and then at you. "I heard what Shuri said that day, how she'd kill whoever killed my baby."

You froze, remembering it as well.

"My people call me T'aan asesina, killer voice. Siren" She whispered to you as she pulled back, causing your eyes to meet with hers. "Either you hand it over or I will take it from you."

"What are you referring to?"

"You know." And with that, she left, leaving you alone. ▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱

Shuri was placing hot kisses on your neck as she fixed you on her lap. Her hands trailed under your shirt as you moaned, moving your head to the side to give her better access as she sucked on your sweet spot.

"Ohhh…" You moaned into her ear as you moved your hips back and forth against her. She was about to unclip your bra when loud banging on the throne room's door interrupted both of you. You quickly got off her, readjusting your outfit as the door swung open, causing Shuri to sigh and you to sit down.

It was already 1:15 and elders entered the room all sitting down in the throne room. The Dora entered behind them, surrounding the room as everyone turned to you and Shuri.

"So after your first baby failed, you decided to make another one huh? What is this? A make-a-baby factory?!" An elder remarked as Shuri sighed.

"Zami!" Another elder said, reaching out to slap his hand. "Have some respect, this is our queen you are ordering around!"

"No! This is a young woman who does not know how to rule properly. Shuri's romantic life is interfering with Wakanda! She has to understand that she is now a ruler with responsibilities. Now we're supposed to welcome a child who's parents aren't even married? What kind of-"

"I understand your concerns." Shuri cut him off, causing everyone in the room to look at her surprised, even you. "What happened with Malia will never happen again. It was just a minor setback for a major comeback. Talokan and Wakanda, as you all know are allies now and we'll need all the help we can get if we want to win the upcoming war with the white people."

"You know how sneaky they are…" Another elder said as Shuri nodded, continuing.

"Which is why I have arranged for Malia, as well as some other people from Talokan, excluding Namor, to stay here but I can assure you, everything is taken care of, business only. We will need the brightest people in the lab and the strongest on the battlefield, unfortunately, the war is not over yet."

The elders in the room nodded and she continued.

"As for Y/N, I plan on marrying her and making her my queen. You all with treat her and our baby with utmost respect, is that understood?" She says sternly as everyone in the room replied with "yes my queen." Shuri nodded, putting her hand up. "You are all dismissed. I've addressed all your concerns, yes?"

You couldn't help but be caught by surprise when Shuri mentioned marriage. As the room cleared out, you turned to her. "Did you really mean what you said when you said you'd marry me?"

"I meant everything I said Y/N…especially that. I'm just trying to be your everything." She took your hand in hers and kissed it softly. "I love you…and I know I've done things and said even worse but I never meant that, I swear. I would nev-"

You cut her off, planting a soft kiss on her lips. "It's alright. I don't mean what I said too." You pressed your forehead against hers as she hoisted you onto her lap, raising an eyebrow, a smirk forming on her lips.

"Where were we again?" Her hands reached down to squeeze your ass as your lips collided together. ▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱

[chronic-escapixt]

Thoughts on my favorite sociopath:

I’ve been thinking about why Kai’s trauma and abusive family dynamics were so little explored or acknowledge in TVD. I realized that his trauma is tied to themes of prejudice. He was discriminated against by his own family for his siphoning abilities.

I was watching a breakdown of TVD on YouTube and they mentioned the racial dynamics of the Bennetts in the Civil War era Mystic Falls, but rushed past it saying that the show deals with vampire drama & supernaturals so it wouldn’t have time to touch on racial issues or prejudice. I couldn’t disagree more. The show touches on real life issues all the time: drug addiction (directly with Jeremy in season 1 and Stefan with his blood lust), the Mikealsons are textbook generational trauma (they kinda touch on prejudice that Klaus experienced as a bastard child with a werewolf daddy), and Liz deals with cancer in season 6 that can’t be cured with magic, to name a few. That being said, the plot deals with real life issues that the writers deem relevant, so they easily could have touched on issues of discrimination through Bonnie (and the Bennetts in general) and Kai Parker! Whether they would have done a good job at this is another convo, but the writers shouldn’t get a pass from dodging these relevant issues bc there’s supernatural stuff going on…

Back to Kai, there is a deleted scene in S6E15 where Kai is shown in a vulnerable light. I think this was deliberately cut bc Plec wants us to view Kai as fully irredeemable. Damon, Stefan, and Klaus have killed innocent people at random for much less and they are redeemable (plus they have many more victims).

Kai should have been redeemed. I don’t think he is inherently evil. His demons are born from intense prejudice-based abuse that he suffered from his whole life. When comparing these villains, it’s important to note that violence for the sake of ego, paranoia, or careless noms is not the same as a victim reacting to the trauma imposed on them.

[executethyself35]

heyyy alexiii can you tell me more about your ocs please ? they fascinate me so much + im sorry that i can never come up with proper responses to any information about them beyond oooh thats very interesting

if youre looking for specific questions:

what're their relationships to religion? like. any religion

do they have siblings? how do they feel about their siblings?

what do they want to do after the war?

obviously feel free to ignore me if youre not in the mood!

much love, monty

MONTYYYYYYYY, THANK YOU POOKIE, and your responses are fine!!

i will say before i go into this: Eliza's part will contain bits of religious trauma, child abuse and religious cults, if that makes you uncomfortable pls scroll past her part. Mary's part mentions the death of a parent, if that also makes you uncomfortable pls skip her part. And if religion in general makes you uncomfortable and you do not have to read this part and are free to skip to the next part!!

Religion:

Zippo: being Jewish is heavily ingrained into her. Though she may seem like she's not, Zippo is one the most religious out of the girls, praying 3 times a day, and repenting for any sins she's committed during this war. She tries to keep to kosher foods, but realized early on that it may be difficult to keep up with that, even if she sometimes believes that the food they're served isn't really food. She tries to do what she needs for Shabbos (Sabbath), though later in the war that gets harder. But all in all, she heavily religious.

B: she's the other most religious girl, she is catholic as hell. Some of her earliest memories were in the local curch back in Cuba, when her and her mother used to go almost everyday. B describes her first time at mass in New York as very surreal, as it was in English and she knew none. As she got older and her relationship with her mother worsened, she went to church alot more and her mother went alot less. Her mother not going as much, caused B to go more than usual so she could pray for her. And once she went to war, she would still go to the services that were held on base.

Ollie: she grew up catholic, and is still a practicing one, but she's not that heavy of one. She'll go to church on Sunday, and any of the important masses, and that’s about it. When she joined up, she'll go to the on base service.

Torrie: she's not as catholic as she used to be. Don't get me wrong she still goes to Sunday mass and the other important ones, but after going to catholic school, and dealing with her entire Irish catholic family, she kinda just stopped being catholic. She'll go to the on base services still, bc it gives her some comfort of home.

Marselle: she was a good Roman catholic girl when she was younger, but as she got older she kinda stopped going as often, especially when she started living by herself. As she got into the military and in the war more, she attends services and feels more comfortable (it may also be because Skip is there with her)

I just want to give a heads up before i go into Eliza's, though i gave a warning beforehand, I want to give another warning. The cult that Eliza was raised in is based off the IBLP and their teachings, although i am certain they were not around in that time period, i do believe people with quiverfull beliefs such as theirs may have existed back then. If you have lived through this or something adjacent i advise you to skip ahead. If you choose not to, you have been warned.

Eliza: Eliza has an absolute HORRIBLE relationship with religion. Eliza had grown up in a religious cult with quiverfull ideas, which means people should have as many people as possible and until your body tells you to stop. Eliza's mother would beat on her relentlessly and used their religion as an excuse for why Eliza deserved the beatings. This is one of the many reasons why Eliza will forever hate religion and never believe in it ever again. And when Eliza entered the war, people had asked her why she wouldn't go to the base service and she would respond with "Didn't have a good upbringing with it" and that's the end of story.

Mary: Mary actually had a somewhat good relationship with religion, having gone whenever her family did, and her father went more so than everyone, having the saying "Fit God in whenever you can". And then her fathered died when she was 12, that caused her to stop going to church. It was really after his funeral when she stopped going. Her mother used to give her shit about it always asking her "Why don't you go to church, it'll make you feel closer to your father" and Mary's answer was always "That's exactly why, i don't want a reminder." and they would always leave it at that. So when she get's into the war, she still doesn't go to the services, and it's not till much later on when she starts going to service again.

Julia: She's around the same as B just not as heavily into it. Julia grew up catholic, she went to Sunday school and catechism classes every week for crying out loud! But, after a while she kinda just stopped being so heavy in it, mostly just going on Sundays and holidays. But when she got into the war, especially during fucking Bastogne, you better bet your ass she was going to the services Father Maloney was holding.

Allie: Now she grew up Baptist and let me tell you it was a trip for her. It was mostly Sunday mass, but it was still a lot. Take it from me, i grew up around southern baptist, it's crazy. Allie also kinda always rejected it because her mother was always like "All you need to do is be a good wife, stay at home and go to church. You don't need to be in the military." and Allie would not deal with it. So when she finally got into the military, Allie still didn't do church that much. But yeah, Allie's got one of the least problematic relationship with religion.

****

Siblings:

Zippo: Zippo is the oldest of six, being 14 when her youngest sister, Stephanie, was born. Here are her siblings in order with the years in between included: Twins Elena & Eli: 2 years, Rubio: 3 years, Martin: 4 years, Stephanie: 14 years. Zippo has eldest daughter syndrome, always feeling responsible for her siblings and anyone younger than her. So, when she get's into Easy and realizes half the guys are waaay younger, she has the urge to mother duck them, and sees them as kids to her and treats them like that. Zippo has a great relationship with all her siblings except for Eli, but none of the family likes him, you know it's bad when they're mother has literally said "If you weren't my son, i would hate your guts." This is because Eli is honestly a piece of shit, he thinks he's better than everyone because he's smart, he finished highschool and is going to college unlike Zippo. While Zippo loves everyone else, she will admit they can get her on nerves sometimes, especially Stephanie. When they first got to Aldbourne, Zippo had gotten a letter from her mother wondering how everything is going along, and this letter is a little part about Stephanie, she's pregnant. This came to as a shock to Zippo, as Stephanie is only 14 and her boyfriend is 15. Zippo immediately started writing back scolding the living shit out of Stephanie. She was so mad at her.

B: Bianca has no siblings and had wanted at least one for almost of her life. But, as she had gotten into her teenage years she realized the friends she grew up with are like siblings to her. And she keeps gaining more with each friend she makes.

Ollie: She has one older brother named Marcus who is 4 years older than her. They were already super close, and once their mom remarried they became closer. Speaking of their mother's second marriage, they gained 2 step siblings. A step sister named Sophie and a step brother Adrien. They all get along pretty well, especially Ollie and Sophie.

Torrie: Torrie has a younger sister, who is two years behind her. She helped raise her as their mom was dealing with a lot of bs. Torrie also has a fuck ton of younger cousins that she has helped raise, like helped raise so much they see her as a second mother.

Marselle: Marselle is technically the eldest of 5, making her the direct heir of her family "business" (you all know what i mean). She has two younger brothers, Daniel and Eli. Those are her two full blooded siblings. Then come to find out her father had two little girls with the same mistress. Marselle's eldest half sister is Rose, she's two months younger than her, as their mothers were pregnant at the same time. And the youngest half sister is Lavanda, she's two and a half months younger than Daniel. So in order it's: Rose: two months, Daniel: two years, Lavanda: Two years, and Eli: 5 years. Her relationship with her siblings is quite good, they all love each other.

ATTENTION: Eliza's section contains mentions of miscarriages, if that makes you uncomfortable please skip!!

Eliza: Eliza is the middle of nine, having 8 older siblings. All of Eliza's siblings are twins, just like she should've been. It's her older brothers, who she has a horrible relationship with, her older sisters who she has a somewhat good relationship with, they still talk to her after she left. Then it's her and her supposed to be twin, who passed in the womb. After she was born her mother kinda went off the rails, and she had several miscarriages, till around 10 years later came the 2nd to last set of twins was born, one boy one girl. And two years after them was the last and final set, as their mothers body wasn't able to take giving birth anymore, they were another boy and girl. Eliza doesn't really have a relationship with the last two sets, as she left when one set was 6 and the other 4. She does feel guilty for leaving them there, but she knew she couldn't stay there.

Mary: She has two older brothers and one older sister. Mary has an alright relationship with all her siblings. Don't get me wrong she loves all of them, but her brothers always did their own thing, one school the other crime. And her sister kept close to their mother. Mary would be the black sheep of the family if it wasn't for her eldest brothers continuous run in with the law, having gone to prison for arson right before she joined up. Mary was also helping her older sister take care of her baby girl, which caused Mary to be a little bit more distant to the idea of children.

Julia: Jules has three older full blooded siblings, and three younger half siblings. Her older brothers looove to pick on her 24/7, constantly teasing her and giving her hell. Her older sister likes picking on her but not as much as her brothers, her teasing is mostly her giving advice about certain things. And her relationship with her younger siblings is great. Her baby brothers love rough housing with her, and her baby sister loves playing dolls and dress up with her.

Allie: Allie has one younger sister who she loves dearly. Though her little sister is much more girlier than her and her mother approves of how she acts more than Allie, she still tells her to live the life she wants. Allie is completely fine if her little sister is the complete opposite of her, she tells her sister all the time "don't let no one take advantage of you, and beat the fuck out of anyone who tries to."

****

After the War:

Zippo: She plans on getting married, maybe have a few kids and continue to work at her dad's deli shop

B: Her plan is mostly just to settle down and start a family, she doesn't know if she wants to continue working odd jobs or not

Ollie: She has definitely decided that she's settling down and starting a family with the man of her dreams who she's loves and not Roland.

Torrie: Torrie plans on visiting her family for a short while and then move in with George in Rhode Island, get married and have kids

Marselle: She originally planned on coming back to the states and marry Skip, but since those plans blew up, quite literally (i'm sorry), she's now just living above her brothers sub shop like she did before the war. She's trying to recover from being an alcoholic and is helping her brother out and helping Rose raise her daughter.

Eliza: Eliza lives by the saying "Where you go i go" with Ron, she followed him to Korea, where shortly before that they got married. She's got one part of her dream down, but the second is whether she wants kids or not.

Mary: She just wants to go home, get married and maybe have a few kids. Mary just wants to have a simple life

Julia: She had a whole ass plan aight?? She's immediately going to find Toye, get his ass, marry him and possibly have a few kids. Julia had this plan set out since Bastogne.

Allie: Allie straight up just wants to settle down on her farm. She decided that after the war she wasn't staying in the military, she was almost 30 when the war ended, she had her fun, and she's done now. So she just wants a farm and a family.

****

I apologize for the long wait Monty!! I hope you like it!!

[vile-wizard]

Kay!!!! Dashes into here!!!! Does Kay have any original characters that he loves dearly I would LOVE to hear about them ✨💫💫 Or any current blorbos!! That would also be lovely hehe <33

This is a very difficult ask to answer because there's years of information to tell. I used to play a lot of TTRPGs and on top of making my player character I'd make their friends and enemies and parents and coworkers etc etc etc. I've got some old art of my old OCs floating around in my drawing posting tag. I've also mentioned Jethro here. I also have Tumblr blogs for a lot of them just sitting around gathering dust...

It's a little hard for me to think about Jethro now bc the campaign he was in fell apart but he's still my special little guy. Here are some drawings I did of him from HS, College and current (He's 27 but he acts like a grandpa. It doesn't help that he starts greying VERY early.) As you can see he liked horror films and theatre. Also he is Transgender. Just thought I should mention that.

His whole deal was that he's a Private Investigator looking for his Dad who went missing several years ago. His dad was a PI who did a bunch of dangerous magical cases (did I mention this is a magical world) and Jethro is trying desperately to follow in his footsteps. Jethro has questionable social skills but he watched a ton of movies growing up so he's molded himself after those old timey noire detectives.

At the start of the campaign Jethro is living in his dad's old office (don't worry there's a bathroom attachment). He's making some money taking financial and insurance fraud cases on a freelance basis and..... Well....here are my notes actually:

(His dad and mom were tragically separated before his birth and then his mom got sick but 12 year old Jethro used his burgeoning detective skills and the power of library internet access to find his dad and take a Greyhound bus him)

Anyway. In the campaign the town of Portage (and most of the world) is overrun by Magical Mutated Monsters called Slashers. No one knows how they form or what causes the mutations. There's a science research team looking into it but they keep going missing. Jethro's first task was to find out what happened to one of the missing researchers.

The game was kind of separated into arcs where Jethro and his ragtag team of misfit friends would fight a slasher all while trying to figure out the Truth behind what's going on. Jethro's character build (this game is Urban Shadows btw) is called The Sworn and it basically means he's a fighter for a kind of God. Because this is a horror game the God type thing that Jethro is affiliated with is called The Chorus the Angel of War, Justice, Revenge and Protection. It talks to him sparingly through other things. Fortunately I wrote a disco elysium style thing about Jethro's first interaction with it after his first fight with a Slasher:

Anyway, he starts hearing Voices and despite his Catholic upbringing he's still more than a little freaked by it especially since they're telling him to avenge the dead and stuff. There are more gods in the same and I made a Pinterest for them here. Jethro questions his sanity, humanity and has general existential dread about the whole thing. It's kinda an issue for him because he ALSO experiences hallucinations due to his poor life choices. He self medicates with a variety of sleeping pills throughout the game, something that his friends can't really do anything about because they've all got their own traumas (horror game).

Sorry there's a lot of stuff here and I'm getting ahead of myself. Uhhh personality wise Jethro is very altruistic and sometimes stupidly kind but he also has a deep rooted hero complex. He keeps things to himself and wants to handle matters on his own, which causes a lot of issues.

TLDR; I have so so so so many original characters and there's too much to say. I'm also running out of time to write this because I have a stupid timer on to limit my Tumblr usage lmao BUT YEAH. There's so much thanks for asking

[atopvisenyashill]

everyone’s been talking about “what if lyanna had survived” and to be honest my stance is “ned is forced to go to war with robert.”

everything we know about Lyanna’s willfulness and “wolf blood” makes me severely doubt she would be willing to marry Robert OR be parted from her son after Ned rescued her from the Tower of Joy. It’s not just that Robert’s idealism of her and temper will be much worse after the war, but that she has been through hell trying to get away from him, and she likely understands he’s now a threat to her son. At odds with that is the fact that short of Lyanna publically humiliating him or a maester declaring she can’t have more kids, Robert is not gonna put her aside. her best bet is that she can’t have more kids bc it frees her from Robert. however, there’s still the problem of Jon.

Because again - i don’t think it’s likely Lyanna would want to be parted from him! I know nobles often don’t raise their bastards but the one two punch of “a war accidentally started in part because Lyanna ran away and had Jon” and “her brother and father died attempting to rescue her and all the Targs are dead now too” PLUS the possibility that she knows something about why Rhaegar wanted a third child, it just makes me highly, HIGHLY doubtful she is letting him out of her sight. And while Robert can be talked into not murdering babies, Ned is not likely to be in the frame of mind to talk Robert into not murdering his nephew.

And that’s best case ie “Lyanna can’t have more kids and the lords pressure Robert to take another wife” - which, I think is kinda likely, honestly? Howland is dedicated to Lyanna (and I think Ashara and the Daynes know All About Jon, but you don’t even need their help, really) and would be more than willing to help cover up shit, as we already know. If Ned says they should tell Robert it was a stillbirth and then they can get married, and Lyanna says “I’m STILL not marrying your dickhead bestie, Ned” I do think Ned is going to try to get her out of it. He’s already sympathetic to her issues pre-kidnapping, adding all this trauma on yhere, he’s gonna give it The Old Eddard Try which means hardcore and secretive - just have a Maester declare her incapable. Howland (or Ashara) offer to hide Jon while they deal with breaking the engagement, and maybe Lyanna is okay with this initially, but eventually she’s turning to Ned and going “i want my fuckin kid back” and the Daynes/Howland just can’t have this random Stark looking baby running around forever, someone is gonna find out and then…what lyanna hides in essos with jon until robert chills out? they stay in winterfell while robert sulks in anger in KL and hope he doesn’t realize Jon is her’s? it’s risky as fuck.

and that’s IF he’s talked into giving her up. again, i think it’s unlikely ned rocks up with lyanna with zero plan to get her back to winterfell safe with him, but if they can’t convince robert to set her aside, lyanna is stuck in the capital, parted from her baby, forced to have robert’s baby, and that’s not a situation lyanna is gonna take lying down. feels less likely benjen goes to the wall in this scenario; he may very well opt to stay with lyanna to protect her, and the north has a bigger presence in KL to watch over their girl, but Tywin is still there jockeying for power and LF is still going to show up wanting to fuck things for his grand plan, AND that’s not to mention Varys. So many variables and none of them are good for Lyanna.

i just feel, no matter what scenario, lyanna is not marrying robert nor giving up jon and in this specific case, a grief stricken and desperately relieved ned will fight for her. if ned can get robert to see sense and set her aside, maybe after a decade or two, lyanna and jon can come home from essos, or ned can have jon “foster” with lyanna and howland where robert can’t easily reach them. maybe lyanna gains a sort of elaena targaryen reputation, where the dubiously consensual relationship she had with a targ that resulted in a son is seen as a thing of a past, a silly mistake a young girl made, and she marries later in life to a man of her choosing. or maybe not, because elaena didn’t have viserys plumm and the waters kids hanging around her at every moment while lyanna will still have jon around. and a jon raised in such a volatile environment is very likely to be protective of his mother.

idk. it’s complicated and sad, is the answer. as they say in the books, ned loved jon’s mother very much. he has faults, and he has very big issues with misogyny that are sometimes glossed over, but i do believe that when pushed, ned would have fought for lyanna’s independence after the tower of joy, and it’s going to bring him into conflict with robert big time. all his anger over robert’s approval of the slaughter of elia, rhaenys, and aegon are going to collide with his habit of sacrificing his honor to save his family much sooner than it does in the books.

[findingmypeace]

I think all of us who have gone to ED treatment have encountered women who, like your roommate, have been fixed in their obsessive ways for decades. They are the most frustrating people to deal with as they can’t be reasoned with & are unable to see how extreme their behavior is. It’s like talking to a kid & I’d feel guilty for being angry bc it is sad they live like that. But the sadness of it doesn’t negate the injustice! I think most people would have lost their cool it in that scenario.

It is so tough. There is a part of me that has tremendous empathy for her. She has told me that her brother was schizophrenic and violent. I have empathy for that. But then she looked disgusted when I talked about *willingly* working with *dangerous* people and even more disgusted when I mentioned I saw my own therapist.

I know there is deep-seated trauma that hasn't been acknowledged probably since it happened. I also have empathy for how terrifying it is to even begin to think about opening that up. I can see how her behaviors are protective and a way to assert control. But when she starts telling me what to do with my belongings (telling me where I should get rid of piece of old furniture) and is upset when I choose to do something different, that control is infringing on my life, especially since that's only one of many times this has happened.

This is unrelated but also a vent: The whole AC issue. She acts so completely shocked that I use the ac/heat all day, all year. At least that's her interpretation of it. I have had to repeatedly explain the concept of an "auto" function for the ac/heat. She is so concerned that I 'never turn it off' but that is not true. It's on auto aka when it reaches the temperature it's set at, it turns OFFFF!!!! Automatically. If you don't hear it running then it's OFF! It's not ON. It's NOT costing money. I still don't think she gets it even though I've explained it to her four times now.

She also said that part of her reason for needing a separate trash can is that I don't recycle. This is also not true but she never allowed me to say it so I finally texted her and said I take my bottles to the recycling center and throw all of my boxes in the recycling dumpster in our parking lot. Now she had no response.

At this point, I spend most of my time either not at home or in my bedroom. I only hangout in the living room when she is not here. I don't like it but it's better than trying to maintain empathy, compassion, and patience when she clearly has no concept of anything outside of her own set of "rules" and acting superior to everyone who doesn't follow them.

[forcebookish]

i know there's still 1 ep left so maybe i'm saying all this prematurely (i don't think so though bc there are still way too many things we don't know) but i really wish we had more questions answered and more of the loose ends tightened up. like...did mew ever find our about the full extent of what boston did? what video did boston show top or are we seriously supposed to believe it was just of them kissing for .2 secs? did mew ever find out who spread the recording? and what exactly happened between sand/boeing and top that led sand to pass around a sex tape just for some petty revenge? bc they could've done A LOT more with that and instead we just get some "he stole my ex" and nothing more. and now that boeing is in the picture it has completely fallen flat bc the viewers have no reason to care about him or what he did. and top's trauma? mentioned in ep 2 and never again (and maybe we will get it next ep but it is way too late...we should've seen him dealing with it from the beginning). idk i just feel like the show is supposed to be character driven but it kind of doesn't feel like it at times. and they should've spent more time focusing on that especially for the last few eps but instead we get boeing and honestly who the hell cares about his contrived drama that isn't even going anywhere?

agreed, there are a lot of unanswered questions that would be impossible to address in just one episode.

however, i don't totally agree that top's trauma hasn't been mentioned since ep2 - it's come up a couple times with regards to his being unable to sleep alone, but it certainly hasn't been expanded upon. the way it's been referenced feels more like a way to remind the audience of it rather than build off of it. tbh i think this is a pattern with all the characters' backstories. even ray doesn't get much more than "dead mom" lol

it is looking like they're following through a little bit, since i'm pretty sure that this

is a ptsd flashback. they're in bed, top looks disoriented, there's no smoke or fire alarm, and mew is confused/didn't notice anything.

(obv my predictions aren't always right! i was wrong about the nickboston teaser last week, but they're kind of a blindspot for me. i never know what the fuck those chuckleheads are going to do lmao)

look, it's a drama. i get that we should have expected that there would be at least some contrivances. clearly, they are inescapable. but it's still frustrating since they obviously had so much material that they could have explored but it has still felt like they've run out of ideas and added a bunch of padding near the end🤷‍♂️

let's hope some of these questions end up answered and we can gain more insight into these characters and what went down, because right now it's looking like they didn't bother to think through what actually happened with sand, boeing, and top :/

thanks for stopping by, anon! 💗💗

[sllhouettedreams]

A LOT of people can relate to crowley because his doubt in God manifested as rebellion and apostasy. Ive not talked to a high number of good omens fans but i can't imagine a lot of devout christians are a hardcore fans of it (or neil gaiman in general lbr). Crowley is immediately relatable bc his religious trauma is made of the same stuff as most fans.

But aziraphale shows the other side to Doubt and that's just incessant faith. He believes in God's Plan even when he doubts it. Even when it hurts innocent people because he believes that god will do good.

As for the heaven and archangel side of things like..I think a lot of people blame aziraphale for the end of s2 without realizing that... both crowley and aziraphales relationship with heaven mirrors that of an abusive parent/family.

I mean we all saw gabriel tell (who he thought was) aziraphale to shut up and die. This was ONE instance we were able to see of Aziraphale being given punishment. He mentions in Paris about heaven admonishing him for 'frivolous miracles' when crowley asks him why he didnt just leave the prison himself. Like. there are so many jokes about 'paperwork' for being discorporated and well. Theres something to be said for aziraphale being more willing to deal with the aftermath of being beheaded and needing a new body than to unlock his cuffs and save himself and risk upstairs citing him again.

Then there was the whole gabriel bringing sandalphon to the bookshop and using interrogation tactics on him (blocking the exit, putting sandalphon at his back, etc). The angels are so quietly malicious- "there are no back channels, michael"- right before michael phones a demon in hell. Like!! They might be inept when it comes to humanity but they hide their cruelty so well.

Like. I dont really have the words to make this all convincing and proper or whatever and im sure someones said it before and better with more examples but like

If you think of both of them as a victim of abuse, it puts it all into perspective doesnt it? The effects of abuse are so different for everyone especially when its abuse from family. Aziraphale has only ever wanted to appease heaven and do good by them that when given the chance to do the most good he jumped right on it. Heaven has sunk its claws deep into aziraphale to use as a tool. And aziraphale doesnt even realize! Bc if he werent "doing good" then he'd have been cast out like crowley had been, right?!

And Crowley was completely cut off from heaven for asking a few questions! He remembers what heaven was like and thinks there are a number of similarities between the two. Hes been utterly convinced of his wickedness. He will not ever return not even with the promise of forgiveness. He HAS seen that heaven is "toxic" because of the absurd reason he was cast out in the first place. He was a starmaker who asked questions!! And god was what. Annoyed at being challenged?

Crowley got out because he was cast out, aziraphale hasnt been granted that luxury and wont take those steps bc who knows if the punishment will be a simple Fall or annihilation or outer darkness there doesnt seem to be any set standard. And also aziraphale still loves god and doing good and to fall would mean to be cut off from all of that to have to go to hell and do the exact opposite. If he can just change things, if he could get the other archangels to see,

Well he hasnt quite discovered that heaven works exactly how its intended to and would need to be torn down before it can be rebuilt into something like aziraphale wishes it to be

Idk i get why its easy to blame aziraphale but. Idk ive been where hes at. Like. Not specifically and angel trying to rewrite heaven but. As a child of religious parents who were also terribly abusive people. I think its unfair that people are saying he should grovel and is wrong and whatever. I dont think crowley would even want that....

Idk im just thinking v hard about good omens its taking over my life. This is probably incomprehensible im just. SAD bc i love both aziraphale and crowley and for aziraphale to be given so much shit when it isnt entirely on him just makes me emotional ok 😔

[evansbby]

Hey everyone 💜 This is just something personal I thought I’d share. For no reason, really, except I felt like I wanted to and that I should. I’ve never shared this with anyone before and there’s really no purpose to this except I just wanted to write it all down. Please don’t reblog! (Not that anyone would lmao, but just saying). tw: suicide mention

A few years ago, when I was about 17/18, I was quite active on tumblr in a different fandom (not this blog, this is a sideblog that used to be empty and was one of my saved urls before I started posting on here in Feb of last year. Anyways, there was this one person whom I befriended on tumblr and we used to talk on messages like every day. And it got so unhealthy, to the point where I’d feel bad if I was online and didn’t reply to them, and felt like I always had to reply to them or else they’d get passive aggressive? I remember once I told them something along the lines of “hey! maybe it’d be okay if we… didn’t talk every day? like we’d still be friends, friends don’t have to talk every single day” and oh my gosh, they got so passive aggressive about it and made me feel so so guilty that I took it all back. I remember crying actual real tears over this, which is so crazy thinking back. Now, this person wasn’t a bad person and I wish them all the best in whatever they’re doing now and honestly don’t really have any ill feeling towards them. What I’m saying is that I was not emotional equipped or mature enough to be dealing with something like that. And then I remember another person (completely unrelated to this first person) randomly messaged me one day all like “you never speak to me, I thought we were friends!” And wrote all these paragraphs talking about how I don’t speak to them when we were never really close to begin with? And yet I let myself feel bad once more. I just did not have the emotional maturity to be creating boundaries online and all of this was a result of that. So I took a break from tumblr and I remember crying real tears and having a panic attack in the toilet and hoping these people would forgive me for taking a break. A BREAK FROM A DAMN WEBSITE. and then I came back a while later and I had my boundaries set very VERY high.

Which is still true now. Like, I never expected this blog to blow up as much as it has or the sheer volume of asks and messages I get every single day. (Not showing off but idk how else to put it). And I love it, like I love this type of interaction and I feel like this fandom is so much friendlier and healthier than any previous fandoms I’ve been in. Yet a lot of the time I still feel like an outsider, like I have this imposter syndrome. Like all these other blogs are all friends and I’m just there like 🧍🏻lmao. But I feel like that’s bc I’m still so wary bc of what I’ve been through on this website in the past. Like I’ve put up these high walls and I get anxious that a repeat of something like what happened before, will happen again. I feel like I’ve matured from that experience enough to set my boundaries so that I don’t EVER find myself in a position that I’m crying over someone being passive aggressive to me online (although I doubt that would ever happen again, I was like 18 when that happened and I was emotionally a child). And I feel like this is partly why I get overwhelmed so easily when my messages pile up that I just leave them ignored — bc i know this sounds deep and weird but I said to myself that the moment this stops being fun, I need to delete this app bc it’s not worth my mental health.

And it was only much later, when tiktok became a thing and people started sharing their experiences about how they were 12/13/14 and on tumblr trying to persuade a fully grown adult not to unalive themselves, that I realised that so many people have had similar toxic experiences on tumblr. Having grown people trauma dump on you through dm and you feel so guilty and don’t know how to cut them off and you think it’s a true friendship when really it’s not.

Idk why I’m sharing this except for the fact that I just had to write it down. And it still makes me anxious now, as much as I try to deny it. Then I have to remind myself that I’m a grown ass 23 year old now who will never have to go through experiences like that again, bc I am in charge of who I talk to. And this is why I kind of just… am so nervous about talking to people sometimes. Although tbh as I said before, this fandom has been so good to me. Like everyone is so nice and understanding of boundaries and I really love that. I’m happy to be a part of this community and I want to be everyone’s friend but I’m just so in my own head about it. Idk if I’m even making sense anymore, I just feel that a lot of the time I have to second-guess every interaction I make bc I don’t want people to hate me or take my humour the wrong way or find me annoying. Like, that’s my other biggest fear. Or rather, my default feeling: that people on here find my annoying lmao. And I’m not looking for sympathy, and I’ve said this before and y’all amazing people have reassured me that I’m not. But I’m just writing my feels down rn bc it’s kinda therapeutic idk. And idk how to end this so I guess I’ll just end it here lmao. Anyways

[sketching-shark]

My feelings for lmk really did took a dive man. Like the mishandling of swk’s character rlly starts to feel like hes the show punching bag. Like whatever he does it’s because its his fault bc he was incompetent and acting like a fool. Kinda wish they start showing his intelligence and how yes he is competent in some aspects. Its just well bug me that that this is the direction they’re going w (even w the fact they’re sidelining him every season like c’mon now. Let him b a mentor n do something!!)

The further straying from jttw canon i cannot grasp how i feel about it but i think just :/ and i wonder how much from the show would make some of lmk fans believe thats what actually happened in the novels like w the six-ear macaque.

One day im hoping to see all of swk’s sworn brothers in the big screen. Like how cool to see the proclamation of calling themselves great sages before going to war and the events thereafter of the fall of swk! And like the awkwardness of the other 5 just standing there as bdk n swk starts being ridiculous.

General complaining below so u know don't like don't read

BIG SIGH yea god between the way this cartoon has gone from more low-stakes & fun adventures to focusing on naught but Sun Wukong's cataclysmic screw-ups & the resultant trauma to Qi Xiaotian and others it's really starting to seem like every time the Monkey King appears in the lego show it's just so he can disappear soon after and/or ruin everything forever again. At this point I'm ultimately left like

Like Flying Bark my friend why did you even want to make a show about the Monkey King & his successor if it was just going to end up being about how much the Monkey King does nothing but hurt everyone around him :(

Augh yea there definitely does seem to be a bit of backing and forthing about how closely Monkie Kid should stick to the og classic, and while I'm usually all for retellings making interesting (key word, INTERESTING) changes to tell the stories they want to I'll admit I'm getting increasingly frustrated with the changes being made in the lego show. A good deal of them, from the massive change in character of the Three Kings of Lion-Camel ridge to the Six-Eared Macaque's whole deal, just end up circling around to once again be all about how thoroughly Sun Wukong sucks & then we're just left in that state for one season after another. Though I will say it is kind of funny to watch people express somewhat extreme reactions if they first learned about Journey to the West through Monkie Kid & then go into the og classic with those preconceived notions.

Finally BIG SAME anon like aaaaa I'm honestly really surprised that more retellings haven't taken advantage of the Monkey King's FULL sworn brotherhood! You could tell so many interesting stories with them and about his life pre-journey, not to mention the scant description of those five other sages besides the Demon Bull King gives ones a LOT of creative license!

[stargirlfeyre]

“Thank you so much for this. Lucien is my favorite, I’m waiting for his book. I get that Feyre felt betrayed by him for not stepping in more, but he was trying. He really did try to steer Tamlin in the right direction, but he was walking a fine line between her and his best friend who was really the only family he had. The mistrust they treat him with in WaR and then Feyre’s ugliness toward him in ACoFaS really made me not like her. This poor guy can’t catch a break.”

“There are many reasons that Feyre is my least favorite character now, but my number one reason is the way she treats poor Lucien. That just sealed the deal for me in this run through. I would never expect for someone I knew for .2 seconds to sacrifice themselves for me after I murdered and skinned their friend, much less get MAD at them for not doing it. Ugh.”

“Omg YES I'm sorry but he experienced horrific trauma, had his friend murdered, risked everything to help Feyre UTM, was tortured for helping, and then was for whatever reason expected to put his life and world at risk to get her away from his best friend?? All for someone he BARELY knew. And now, his whole life is in shambles, he was taken away from the place he knew, and is treated like crap for what? Not sacrificing his life for some a girl he owed nothing to? I'm just over the Lucien mistreatment 😭😭 I wish I didn't reread this bc now I dislike Feyre and Rhys”

“I forgot about the Andras part but that makes it even worse!! He knew Feyre for like 2 seconds before UTM and he STILL tried to help her even tho she killed and skinned one of his friends. Rhys mentioned before how some of his questionable actions were for the sake of his court and people melt over it but for some reason, Lucien can’t do the same. Even when, in my opinion, he hasn’t done anything nearly as bad. It’s just ridiculous how people will absolutely love one character and hate the other when they’re all morally grey. I’m personally not a fan of Feyre or Rhys after SF but I can understand why they did most of the things they did but I will never forgive them for the way they treated and continue to treat Lucien”

“I definitely agree, I made a post a couple days ago about Tamlin because I think even he is treated unfairly by Feyre, Rhys and everyone in the IC. And if I were Lucien, I wouldn't betray the one person who saved my life and took me in for someone I barely knew, for someone who killed my friend and hated everything I was just a couple months ago. Not to mention, he did try to help at one point and got shut down by Tam immediately. Idk why he was expected to give up everything for somebody he wasn't even friends with, let's be real.”

Just a little taste of why I could give 0 fucks about Feycien..His whole fanbase is trash minus the few Tamlin and Feyre stan’s that still simp for him. This is a new post full of comments JUST like these ones. This is a daily thing for Lucien stan’s just like Nesta & Tamlin stan’s Feycien girlies..Like him no matter what but his fans could give two fucks about Feyre

“Feyre’s ugliness toward him in ACoFaS really made me not like her. This poor guy can’t catch a break.”

“but my number one reason is the way she treats poor Lucien.”

“then was for whatever reason expected to put his life and world at risk to get her away from his best friend??”

“I made a post a couple days ago about Tamlin because I think even he is treated unfairly by Feyre, Rhys and everyone in the IC. And if I were Lucien, I wouldn't betray the one person who saved my life and took me in for someone I barely knew, for someone who killed my friend and hated everything I was just a couple months ago.”

Oh these people are fucked in the head. They can’t be serious. For all their talk of “not babying the inner circle because they’re centuries old and they should have been more knowledgeable about how to handle Nesta” they sure do love to blame a 19 year old girl for the actions of centuries old men. These are the same people who say anything Nesta says or does to the inner circle shouldn’t be taken seriously by them because “she’s a 25 year old child🥺”

“Poor Lucien” this nigga isn’t a baby. What’s this obsession with infantilizing him? They say we infantilize Feyre by calling her Nesta and Elain’s “baby sister” (even though she is. Feyre is the youngest making her the baby of the family) but they’re out treating this 300+ year old man like a child who’s been wrong by the world.

“And if I were Lucien, I wouldn't betray the one person who saved my life and took me in for someone I barely knew” do these people realize that they’re admitting that they would sit back and watch someone be physically abused if they’re friend was doing it? They’re seriously it a “betrayal”?

The saddest thing about this is I know a lot of the people behind the accounts saying this are women. Grown ass women at that.

[stewpid-soup]

LOTS OF STEVEN UNIVERSE SPOILERS, ESPECIALLY STEVEN UNIVERSE FUTURE (I’ll leave the ramble below the cut for the ppl who don’t want spoilers <3)

take a funny pic before u leave :3

(btw, if any info here is incorrect feel free to lmk or even start a calm conversation about your thoughts! I love learning more and hearing ppls perspective <3)

maybe it’s an unpopular opinion but i LOVE steven universe future, like it’s so good?? I was rewatching the last few episodes since I wanna write a fic where Steven stayed longer with Jasper bc i think they had an interesting friendship in SUF lol

But I wish it wasn’t so short and that the episodes were longer and spent more time on the characters working through their issues.

And yes, Steven may not be “Classic Steven” in SU:Future but that’s what I love about it. Trauma changes you. Even if you learn how to be a better person, it doesn’t mean it’s super easy to apply those skills to your life. It’s still so hard. Even when you think you’ve changed and gotten better, old habits seep through and you realize that maybe you haven’t made as much progress as you thought. But what SUF shows is that it’s okay to not be perfect, because that’s what makes us human. We aren’t a monster if we do things wrong, if we hurt people- what matters is that we learn and we actually take the steps to be better. This means taking responsibility. This means not running from your problems but facing them. This isn’t to say that everyone is excused from their actions because they aren’t.

I think that’s what made Connie’s entrance on the “I Am My Monster” episode so perfect. Like, YES it’s your fault! And while she was technically talking to White Diamond, I think it makes more sense if she was talking to everyone there. Everyone there, excluding Connie and Steven, are adults. Most of them have been alive for thousands of years for fucks sake. But they trauma dump and push their problems onto a child who already struggled with fitting in already. I think that even the Crystal Gems play a part in Steven’s trauma, because again, they should know better. He was a child and he didn’t have to be forced into this life. Parents are supposed to protect and make sure their child is exposed to as little bad content as possible.

Now, I’m going to use sex education as an example here, because this is a common issue with adults and how they talk to children, especially about sexual topics. If you wanna skip this bit, I’ll use large GREEN text once it’s over lol

So, there’s “two main sides” (i put it in quotes bc of course there’s ppl with loads of opinions, but these are the two most prominent ones and also the most problematic to their child’s development) to this: Some parents choose to shelter their kids from anything even mentioning sex, maybe even to the point where their child just has no genuine understanding of sex and how to deal with those thoughts and feelings. Without talking to their child maturely about these topics, their child will grow up not only being teased for not understanding but also just without a good understanding of sex and what it entails. Plus sex doesn’t just have to be about the pleasure aspect or procreation, what about sex safety and what to watch out for when choosing to go into a situation where there might be people who could potentially take advantage of you.

Now some other parents choose to not keep an eye on what their kid does on the internet or what influence people are having on their kids, and as a result the child might learn things that their brain isn’t ready to process yet since it isn’t fully developed. This can lead to their child having unrealistic expectations when it comes to sex and even get themselves into dangerous situations on the internet and real life. I’m sure many people here and on most social media platforms can understand that, when it comes to unlimited internet access, it can be a dangerous thing for young kids and teens.

However that’s not to say that everything here is bad, there are ways to learn without being exposed to material that your young brain might not be ready for. An example of this is the parental lock on your electronics! You can also TALK to your child, and focus on keeping an open communication. There’s loads of things to prevent either of these scenarios, which I can go into detail abt- but maybe in another ramble

ANYWAYS

What I mean by referring to this topic is that Steven’s situation can be seen as similar (except in a much more dramatic and complex way lol) There are things that the Crystal Gems and Greg could have done to take better care of Steven. An example being the fact that Steven was pushed headfirst into these life or death threats from such a young age. These were about things he was barely aware of until tragedy struck. So what could’ve helped during Classic SU? There could have been better communication, obviously. Greg could have at least helped homeschool Steven, or use the money he made from the car wash to possibly support Steven and the Gems financially. The Crystal Gems should have sat Steven down and told him about his mom and more about the Gem War. He should have had more of an idea of what he was getting into. The only reason he was so enthusiastic was because the Crystal Gems were his main role models since Greg was often working or just doing his own thing.

Time and time again, Steven had to be the adult in situations like when Greg faked a leg injury or when Garnet split because of the Pearl incident. I could name a million more situations where he had to be the bigger person, but I won’t for my sanity.

The Crystal Gems should have gotten more repercussions for the way they treated Steven, the things they put onto his shoulders despite being a literal child. Greg could have been a better dad, because being a dad isn’t just about having fun. Being a dad is hard and can take a lot of you, but you made the choice to bring this child into the world so you have to take responsibility. At least, in Greg’s case that’s what happened. He knew the risks and he still had a kid with Rose, so he should have been around more as Steven grew up.

anhwyas im exhausted, maybe more rambling tmrow lmao idk

love u guys and take careee

[traumatizedjaguar]

i can’t remember it too well but i think i was either 5 or 6 when it happened. i was the older kid. i didn’t know it was wrong until an adult found out and i got in trouble for it. i still didn’t really understand why it was wrong but i trusted the adult that i did a bad thing and looking back i definitely did and i just don’t know where the idea even came from or how any of it started. i feel so bad for the other person bc they shouldn’t have had to deal with the fallout of my problems. the body memories are mostly random, if that thing pops into my mind i start feeling other weird stuff like hands on my back and stomach and my stomach turning and a feeling like i’ve been forced into something and wanting to run. the scariest one was recently when i was at a family function and i experienced an extreme arousal response around one specific person that sent me straight into a panic attack. and then i had this weird half memory of a memory from when i was like 8 or smth i just remember being in the car thinking of smth really awful involving a older boy and it made me so upset i sat and chanted to myself “forget it forget it forget it” until it actually worked and that’s pretty much it. my memory is so bad all these memories feel like dreams but i know they happened, but it still feels fake and not real. there’s some other stuff but this is the newer stuff that’s rlly been bothering me lately and it makes me feel like there’s some awful secret my brain is still keeping from me.

i do need to get therapy, these problems have been manifesting in my life in many ways since i was in middle school but it’s so shameful to talk about even to someone who’s trained to hear it and help. i can’t get the words out when i try, it’s like there’s a huge lump in my throat. thanks again for having an open ask box and a listening ear i’ve never talked to anyone about this and it helps to try and talk about it a little.

Here’s the first ask you sent^ I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you with these traumatic experiences and flashbacks in relation to it.

I would never put blame on a trauma victim regardless of how much you think you should be or what the adult said and I’m just taking from what you’ve written here and the other post I assume is yours that I carefully reread a few times each.

The adult telling you that you did a bad thing and getting you in trouble for it kind of angers me.

Adults should be more gentle with kids. And rather teach you and this other kid right from wrong otherwise they’re not doing a good job. Without much detail idk if the adult walked in on it happening in the middle of it, they wouldn’t know who initiated it or who’s to blame, such as biases (their relationship to you and this other kid) or lack of knowledge on certain topics (bullying, SA, DV) could have them blaming the wrong kid. Or if they watched the whole thing from the behinning they should’ve stopped it before it got too far between you and this other kid, separate the two of you maybe even for good or until they could trust you two together, or that adult would be untrustworthy.

Again, I’m sorry to hear about the abuse you’ve experienced from a kid near your age and someone else from when you were a bit older. Even if the first traumatic experience was with someone younger than you it doesn’t mean you were inherently at fault or responsible for it. Younger kids can be perpetrators too depending on the age gap, who initiated, and knowledge of each kid of course.

Edit: what has no sense or logic to me is when you say you agree with this adult that you were at fault for doing the bad thing, but everything you describe says the opposite.

The somatic/body flashbacks you mentioned in relation to this kid near your age back then are the re-experiencing section of PTSD and CPTSD meaning you were likely the abused.m one. Thinking about that kid near your age and the triggers into the flashbacks are normal when you suffered trauma, I get those all the time. I get emotional, arousal, and somatic memories related to incidences that happened between me and another kid when I was maybe around 4.

It’s also normal for everything to feel fake or like a dream. Especially given these happened so long ago and trauma makes us wanna forget or dissociate. I sob or have trouble talking every time I talk about my trauma from the experiences I barely remember but flashbacks to when I was around 4 and all the way up until recent events of stalking, talking about it makes me uncontrollably sob and it’s hard. That’s why I write everything down in text online but triggers or flashbacks will still happen which is my C-ptsd and sounds like yours when you think about or re-experience these memories from when you were 5/6. Panic or anxiety attacks are normal when around our abusers or triggered by something in relation to an abuser. Hypersexuality is what you’re describing as the “extreme arousal response” to a family member of yours. Our bodies tell us in many ways what trauma we’ve endured.

You’re not at fault, your trauma is valid, flashbacks are really fucking hard to deal with and I’m here for you if you need anything.

Edit: ok so I just DMed a couple people and asked them if that’s even possible to have your symptoms and yet be the perp/at fault/instigator and they all said that you, in fact, are being gaslighted by that adult (and possibly the kid depending on their stance on this as well.) Because people don’t just develop these symptoms and trauma injuries from abusing others. There’s nothing known in psychology about that even being possible. So, my answer remains that the adult is trying to manipulate you and you were never at fault for a single thing (regardless of how many people may bully you, manipulate you, or take a different stance.)

[troglobite]

alsdfkjas

nothing like having what you think is a normal conversation w your mom abt feeling like shit and all of the medical things making you feel like shit and how that might be related to neurodivergence and social trauma but there's no fucking research on it only for her to say

"what trauma?"

"what? i already said"

"no, what trauma did you experience?"

cue wishing i was fucking dead

bc clearly nothing that has traumatized me in my life is REAL trauma.

real trauma is only the stuff that's happened to HER, not me.

being bullied for years doesn't bc i wasn't beaten up

being fat, mixed race, autistic, and queer my entire life and childhood and getting bullied for it doesn't count bc i wasn't assaulted, sexually or physically

nothing abt my life and anxiety and my friend groups abandoning me and turning on me was traumatizing, clearly

the only things that're traumatizing are SA, a guy's face on the news after a shooting (which i also fucking experienced, for the fucking record), and dealing w my horrible aunt. also being poor, but not in the way we were poor when i was a kid, only being poor in the way when SHE was a kid. bc it wasn't as bad for me.

nothing abt my life was traumatizing, nosiree!!!!

wow i wish i was fucking dead

doesn't matter how many times i've mentioned or discussed complex ptsd and how it's an ongoing thing

doesn't matter anything i've talked abt

or fear or stress or anxiety or anything

or the fact that just this summer, being alone for several weeks in a house full of spiders literally traumatized me

so i left the conversation after briefly explaining being bullied & the thing this past summer and just said "sorry i'm so fucking weak and pathetic"

haven't gotten a response back

it's just every fucking time i think there's been progress made--

like with these MEDICAL diagnoses i now have, she can BELIEVE me abt the pain and discomfort and misery i'm in, and how difficult things are for me

but now apparently we've backtracked on EVERYTHING ELSE

apparently i am untraumatized

apparently we're back in a world where only SHE'S traumatized (and talks abt it and names it but refuses to fucking do anything about it) but NOT ME

bc i'm weak and pathetic and my life is uninteresting and uneventful and unimportant

and it doesn't matter that being autistic changes what might be traumatizing to me

none of it matters

all that matter is that my pain is less than hers

it was less than my brother's

less than my dad's

less than my cousin's

less than everyone else

she dare fucking say to me as an adult that i sholudn't and can't compare my life to other people

but as a kid whenever i felt bad all i fucking heard was "so and so has it worse, be grateful and thankful for what you have. it could be worse."

my pain is never enough. it never matters. even when i'm in there talking abt how my stomach is burning and in active pain, i have the world's weirdest headache, i'm dizzy and tired and woozy and i'm scared something is wrong

i'm tired of having to wait to DO something abt my autoimmune diseases

i'm tired of feeling like shit, i'm tired of ibs, i'm tired of scientists and doctors not knowing WHY

i'm tired of how being autistic and being who i am predisposes me to do this stuff

but it's not enough

it's not enough reason to be in pain or traumatized

it's not enough, it doesn't pass the test or meet the bar

i'm weak. the ultimate conclusion is that i'm weak. and that is the only reason there's anything wrong w me. and there's not anything REALLY wrong, bc that would mean i wasn't weak. but i am weak. i'm weak and pathetic and i'm never suffering as much as others and i should be grateful. i can't ever complain bc i should be grateful bc things could always be worse.

doesn't matter if i SAY THAT at any point, it still doesn't mean i'm allowed to cmoplain at all.

and this is validated by basically everybody i know

"wow that sucks."

and then silence and nothing else

bc no one cares or thinks it matters and they're sick of listening to me complain bc i shouldn't be complaining

i am weak. i am pathetic. i deserve worse. i'm a baby crying over a papercut. and i wish i was dead.