#i should probably just get a diary!

[00bummer]

i stopped using this blog like 4 years ago bc i became less catastrophically depressed and also i felt that after my last major breakup i was using it in a really self destructive & self flagellating way, & i pretty much stopped using twitter like a year ago too because i could feel myself becoming a certified Boyfriend Girl and it was annoying. and i haven’t been journaling for a few years either. idk why, i think maybe bc i was just sick of thinking & talking about myself. i haven’t been in therapy or taken any medication in like 3 years either. idk, i’ve just been trying to live my life & it’s mostly been working. i don’t live with my mom anymore. i have a really wonderful partner and we’re very in love, & it’s been two years & i haven’t done anything to blow it up yet. i have a semi-grownup job that i make like zero money at & i’m way too emotionally entangled with, but it doesn’t make me want to kill myself, so it beats making lattes. i still feel a white hot lance of panic in my brain when i think about the future, but there’s nothing i can really do about that. i’m like a “normal” weight now, which upsets me if i actually think about it, so mostly i just lock that part of my brain in a cage and call it a day. idk. maybe that’s “recovery” maybe i’m just being a coward about it. i feel a lot of guilt bc i used to pay attention to the world and what was happening in it, & i had a lot of opinions about justice and fairness and the fate of humanity, and now i pretty much just play d&d and listen to podcasts of other people playing d&d. i only want to listen to the same albums and watch the same movies i already like. i think i should probably make new friends bc all my old ones keep moving away, but the thought of doing that makes me really tired. i’m only 27 which feels too young for my personality and interests to become this fossilized.

& i know this all sounds like complaining, but i’m mostly pretty happy these days. things are more good than bad.

idk why i felt the need to write this all out, i think i’ve just been feeling like… intellectually flat these days. like i used to spend a lot more time thinking about. uh everything i guess. i feel like i sacrificed my interest and curiosity for the world in exchange for being less miserable and it worked but now i’m kind of bored.

i really don’t know what the point of this is!

i guess if you’re out there, so am i, & i hope you’re doing well.

[soulmvtes]

woke up feeling very tired n i just do not want to exist today n it's so cold so i'm just going to stay home n take care of myself <3

[puppppppppy]

oh yea.. its all coming together

[sevicia]

I do believe I am fully fucked for the next like 4-6 years because even if someone does find me attractive in any way (which is, quite frankly, crazy enough already) there's a 99% chance it'd be under Girl Standards and just thinking about it makes me want to throw up I'm not even kidding it's disgusting

[hanzajesthanza]

don’t let me reread because i saw this

and an image of reynevan pleading innocent like the crying cat meme flashed across my mind

[juniperhillpatient]

I hate “love at first sight” or like instant infatuation in most cases but I think it’s a trope that CAN be done super well it just rarely is. there’s nothing exciting or interesting about two hot people who see each other & instantly fall in love all by itself nonsensically like idk I just don’t believe in that & find it dull. but there’s a way to do it where it’s like “YEAH that makes perfect sense” like two people who suffered something brief but absolutely insane together & can never let go of the thought of one another or someone who saw someone else do something crazy or really fucking cool or stupid & can’t let it go or someone totally isolated who’s decided to make the first person they’ve interacted with or who helped free them into this total savior who walks on water like it CAN be such a neat trope you just gotta sell it right.

[ssoupcup]

My bed is slowly becoming overtaken by the creatures. Their territory grows and soon there shall be no room left for me at all

[icewindandboringhorror]

Recent misc pictures

[seventh-district]

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[ohumokay]

I love ICHBW, but I cry almost everytime I listen (like most should lol), but I thought it was bcuz of my daddy issues

But after talking with my bsf and mom, I now realize the interaction with Athena and Ody also triggered some older sister trauma 😃

(For context: my dad is a absent jerk and when he does show up in his childrens' lives, it's almost always abusive in a way. When I was ten, my older sister got tired of my dad and went no contact with his entire side of the family, which included our little brother and I. We didn't see or hear from her again until four years later and at the time my shitty grandma was dying, so 😀. And we never truly repaired our relationship. It's been two years now)

[pnsge]

last day of the year and im overthinking again

[ilkkawhat]

just reflecting today on the 7th poured drink tonight and recalling how when i was venting to my co-workers about yesterday and the panic attack i had and all that, she mentioned how I needed more help when I was drowning and i swear to you the immediate thing that came to mind when she said that was alan wake

[phagodyke]

aouuugh my uterus......

[flygonscales]

I’ve just watched Hellraiser and it was so cool you know? I’ve already added Pinhead to my mental list of ‘people who are I think are cool and who I think I’d have a crush on if I wasn’t ace (it’s like I subconsciously identify them as people to have a crush on but my brain never gets any further except a vague sense of cool-ness but its different to the normal way of thinking a person is cool)’.

After this I’ve definitely identified what horror films I like - more sci fi or fantasy films with lots and lots of practical effects, fake blood and just lots of gunge. There’s a reason why I watched The Thing and it went straight up to one of my favourite films ever, and Hellraiser looks set to follow. I really want to watch The Fly, because if I’m not mistaken that’ll give me plenty of fun practical effects and alien slime.

[c0rpsedemon]

there's so much manga i have to read it's unreal 😭