#i should probably just get a diary!

[00bummer]

i stopped using this blog like 4 years ago bc i became less catastrophically depressed and also i felt that after my last major breakup i was using it in a really self destructive & self flagellating way, & i pretty much stopped using twitter like a year ago too because i could feel myself becoming a certified Boyfriend Girl and it was annoying. and i haven’t been journaling for a few years either. idk why, i think maybe bc i was just sick of thinking & talking about myself. i haven’t been in therapy or taken any medication in like 3 years either. idk, i’ve just been trying to live my life & it’s mostly been working. i don’t live with my mom anymore. i have a really wonderful partner and we’re very in love, & it’s been two years & i haven’t done anything to blow it up yet. i have a semi-grownup job that i make like zero money at & i’m way too emotionally entangled with, but it doesn’t make me want to kill myself, so it beats making lattes. i still feel a white hot lance of panic in my brain when i think about the future, but there’s nothing i can really do about that. i’m like a “normal” weight now, which upsets me if i actually think about it, so mostly i just lock that part of my brain in a cage and call it a day. idk. maybe that’s “recovery” maybe i’m just being a coward about it. i feel a lot of guilt bc i used to pay attention to the world and what was happening in it, & i had a lot of opinions about justice and fairness and the fate of humanity, and now i pretty much just play d&d and listen to podcasts of other people playing d&d. i only want to listen to the same albums and watch the same movies i already like. i think i should probably make new friends bc all my old ones keep moving away, but the thought of doing that makes me really tired. i’m only 27 which feels too young for my personality and interests to become this fossilized.

& i know this all sounds like complaining, but i’m mostly pretty happy these days. things are more good than bad.

idk why i felt the need to write this all out, i think i’ve just been feeling like… intellectually flat these days. like i used to spend a lot more time thinking about. uh everything i guess. i feel like i sacrificed my interest and curiosity for the world in exchange for being less miserable and it worked but now i’m kind of bored.

i really don’t know what the point of this is!

i guess if you’re out there, so am i, & i hope you’re doing well.

[soulmvtes]

woke up feeling very tired n i just do not want to exist today n it's so cold so i'm just going to stay home n take care of myself <3

[puppyeared]

oh yea.. its all coming together

[mellotronmkll]

Wverytime I sit down at a computer to make music I get so scared

[hanzajesthanza]

don’t let me reread because i saw this

and an image of reynevan pleading innocent like the crying cat meme flashed across my mind

[juniperhillpatient]

I hate “love at first sight” or like instant infatuation in most cases but I think it’s a trope that CAN be done super well it just rarely is. there’s nothing exciting or interesting about two hot people who see each other & instantly fall in love all by itself nonsensically like idk I just don’t believe in that & find it dull. but there’s a way to do it where it’s like “YEAH that makes perfect sense” like two people who suffered something brief but absolutely insane together & can never let go of the thought of one another or someone who saw someone else do something crazy or really fucking cool or stupid & can’t let it go or someone totally isolated who’s decided to make the first person they’ve interacted with or who helped free them into this total savior who walks on water like it CAN be such a neat trope you just gotta sell it right.

[seventh-district]

.

[pnsge]

looking up on bitch google how to casually compliment friends

[ilkkawhat]

just reflecting today on the 7th poured drink tonight and recalling how when i was venting to my co-workers about yesterday and the panic attack i had and all that, she mentioned how I needed more help when I was drowning and i swear to you the immediate thing that came to mind when she said that was alan wake

[c0rpsedemon]

there's so much manga i have to read it's unreal 😭

[cicadangel]

I HATE APPLYING TO COLLEGE. I finished (I think) my personal statement and it's like fine. It's about my love for Korean literature and then the overall message is that I value intellectual curiosity and obsession (in like normal way. haha.) but i'm froze in my place and going crazy over the fact that my sat is a 1500 so 10 points lower than the my #1 school's alleged (ALLEGED. BECAUSE THEY DONT RELEASE ANY OF THEIR INFO) average score.... (which clearly isn't there average score bc of the Evil test optionals). but!! my sat score is 600+ points higher than my school's avg. (and also, idk how they're gonna weight scores given that the whole sat changed) and even though I am Asian I also go to a severely underfunded school in Maine (my #1 school is in the midwest, according to my calculations (aka instagram stalking) only about 4 ppl from my entire state attend the school each year). and I'm applying for east Asian studies aka major nobody wants do to (yay!) but the other people applying for that are likely insanely intelligent international school impossibly rich international students (BOOOOOO!). but perhaps it's time to give a mixed race girl from Maine a chance huh. my ecs are good I believe and certainly very very unique most of them anyway. I have a clear spike for my major. it's also clear I'm not a loser nerd bc of my letters of rec (hopefully) and the fact I'm top 5 in athletics in the state for my event. [school] LET ME INNNNN LET ME INNNNNN

[phagodyke]

having a wild sunday afternoon im.baking cake and ironing and I also keep randomly bursting into tears or giggling hysterically alone in the kitchen but let's not even worry abt that 🫣

[ghosts-of-love]

not to be mentally ill but today when i went for a walk in a nature reserve i was climbing a hill and it was cold but so so sunny and everything looked beautiful and i saw so many cool things and i stood there and was like damn what's this feeling in my chest and why am i smiling so much?? my guy,, it's called fucking happiness. i was just present and content in the moment and couldn't contain myself so kept doing the silly arm shake thing i do and grinning at everything and then was like woah what's this feeling. fuckin, happiness dude.

[romeoisalesbian]

I’m worried that i am a child and that is all i shall be for the future. I feel small and like I comprehend nothing and like I mean nothing and everyone else is growing around me and becoming actual cool people who do mythical things and I’m stagnating and I’m never going to improve. I feel like a child left at home alone while the rest of the family goes to a party. And I don’t know how to deal with my deep, childish uncoolness

I forgot to take my Zoloft this morning but that’s unrelated

[leatherbookmark]

i get it i get it i really get it but also it's very frustrating when a work of fiction raises you expectations, makes you thrilled for The Big Confrontation, and then the next post-clifhanger installment comes and it goes "after everything was over,"