#i should probably just get a diary!
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00bummer Ā· 2 years ago
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i stopped using this blog like 4 years ago bc i became less catastrophically depressed and also i felt that after my last major breakup i was using it in a really self destructive & self flagellating way, & i pretty much stopped using twitter like a year ago too because i could feel myself becoming a certified Boyfriend Girl and it was annoying. and i havenā€™t been journaling for a few years either. idk why, i think maybe bc i was just sick of thinking & talking about myself. i havenā€™t been in therapy or taken any medication in like 3 years either. idk, iā€™ve just been trying to live my life & itā€™s mostly been working. i donā€™t live with my mom anymore. i have a really wonderful partner and weā€™re very in love, & itā€™s been two years & i havenā€™t done anything to blow it up yet. i have a semi-grownup job that i make like zero money at & iā€™m way too emotionally entangled with, but it doesnā€™t make me want to kill myself, so it beats making lattes. i still feel a white hot lance of panic in my brain when i think about the future, but thereā€™s nothing i can really do about that. iā€™m like a ā€œnormalā€ weight now, which upsets me if i actually think about it, so mostly i just lock that part of my brain in a cage and call it a day. idk. maybe thatā€™s ā€œrecoveryā€ maybe iā€™m just being a coward about it. i feel a lot of guilt bc i used to pay attention to the world and what was happening in it, & i had a lot of opinions about justice and fairness and the fate of humanity, and now i pretty much just play d&d and listen to podcasts of other people playing d&d. i only want to listen to the same albums and watch the same movies i already like. i think i should probably make new friends bc all my old ones keep moving away, but the thought of doing that makes me really tired. iā€™m only 27 which feels too young for my personality and interests to become this fossilized.
& i know this all sounds like complaining, but iā€™m mostly pretty happy these days. things are more good than bad.
idk why i felt the need to write this all out, i think iā€™ve just been feeling likeā€¦ intellectually flat these days. like i used to spend a lot more time thinking about. uh everything i guess. i feel like i sacrificed my interest and curiosity for the world in exchange for being less miserable and it worked but now iā€™m kind of bored.
i really donā€™t know what the point of this is!
i guess if youā€™re out there, so am i, & i hope youā€™re doing well.
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soulmvtes Ā· 1 year ago
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woke up feeling very tired n i just do not want to exist today n it's so cold so i'm just going to stay home n take care of myself <3
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puppyeared Ā· 3 months ago
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oh yea.. its all coming together
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dykebluejay Ā· 4 months ago
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shoulder feels like itā€™s in the wrong place and needs to make a mighty crunch but i keep trying and it just makes weak little clicks and feeling more and more tight and hurting. help! i have joints šŸ‘Ž
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mellotronmkll Ā· 18 days ago
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Wverytime I sit down at a computer to make music I get so scared
#i like siting down with a guitar and writing music but the daw is still so scary to me and i dont know how to make it less scary#its like i dont know where to start#i understand music theory i can write chord progressions i can write melodies but arranging feels so daunting#like just trying to pick keyboard voices and stuff im like overwhelmed and then its like i just dont even know where to start#i think i need to do more covers to practice arranging because trying to do it with my own songs im just like i have NO IDEA#i do think that trying to recreate arrangements of other songs I like will help me but also just idk#i really want to get better at writing at the piano but i find it really hard#rn i write almost all my songs on the guitar then i guess what i have to do is try to think of like what style i want it to have#and sort of try to create a map like probably literally on paper and then try to go in and sort of do it but god its so hard i dont know#it feels so so daunting#even trying to make silly little stuff with just like some synths is really hard for me right now its so out of my comfort zone and AUGH id#its frustrating im scared of the computer but i also very much do not want to be an acoustic singer songwriter but thats all i can do#because all i can do is play fucking guitar!!!! and its just so frustrating#technically im like with a midi controller i should be able to do whatever program drums write little synth lines etc i dont have to like#know how to play piano and yet whenever i try to do it i just get so overwhelmed and freaked out with how many possibilities there are#that i just . cannnnnt#AHGHHHHHHHHHHHH im so im in such a bad mood right ow#ive had such a horrible night honestly#i think i will just go engage in fixation for comfort and then go to bed sigh#i dont know what to do to improve at making music in the daw i guess ill just maybe try again this weekend to take another crack at it#god its just so frustrating that i only started writing songs 2 years ago and have only learned to use a daw in the last 3 months i WISH#that i was one of these teenagers who spent all my time writing silly songs and playing around with a midi controller but i just didnt#because i was scared!!!!!!!#playing the guitar and singing has always been like the only thing that felt safe cos i felt if i tried to actually write and arrange songs#by myself i would fail so now i just feel so frustrated because i dont feel like a real musician and i feel like im starting too late#AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH whatever sorry for using the tags of this post as my diary but#i am frustrated!!!!
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hanzajesthanza Ā· 2 months ago
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donā€™t let me reread because i saw this
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and an image of reynevan pleading innocent like the crying cat meme flashed across my mind
#szarlej: if the sorcerer does not fit you must acquit!!#you know we were robbed of a scene where szarlej pretends to be reynevanā€™s lawyer? that should have happened at least once#what is with bandits robbing tax collectors in sapkowskiā€™s novels??#you know of all the get rich quick schemes out there robbing a tax collector has REALLY dropped off in terms of popularity#i guess this is what happens when you study foreign trade - economics and then have an interest in medieval history#im still like omg. raubritters were a thing you didnt just make that up? thatā€™s fucked up. but cool that it wasnā€™t made up. but fucked up#and itā€™s literally raub + ritter. obvious german should be obvious#the first is a cognate and the second i know from rittersporne which guess how i know that šŸ™„#anywaysā€¦#you knowā€¦ if angoulĆŖme still had friends around thereā€™s a less than zero chance they would have tried to jump regis#he would hear it coming from a mile away (ā€¦ maybe literally) and just disappear around a street corner#orā€¦ hide under a rockā€¦ like canonically. honestly still not sure why he did that.#ITS THE FULL MOON. YOU CAN FLY#regis answer = ā€˜idkā€¦ i got scared šŸ˜„šŸ˜„ā€¦ā€™#honestly interesting conundrum because too many ideas i have seen are like ā€˜someone tries to fuck with a vampire they get ripped to shredsā€™#which ok wish fulfillment i get it but#consider that 1. regis is nonviolent and would likely put someone to sleep over kill them#2. they are teenage hooligans 3. he understands teenager hooliganism#honestly he would pacify them and then while their eyes are empty he would just be like giving some solid life advice#bandits: standing with head drooped. probably drooling on themselves | regis: sounding like a turn your life around podcast#the elbow-high diaries#not even interesting post sorry just totally ramble nonsense here
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another weekend, another job rejection!
#and now no more positions are open to apply to! for now at least. some more will probably drop soon. fuck i hope so.#love just. being fucking unable to even make it into the interview phase for my extraordinarily lofty career goal#Of Working In A Fucking Library#just. so thrilled.#kazoo noises#anyway tomorrow morning i have to find a time to talk to my rabbis bc if i dont figure shit out i have to pick between becoming jewish or#graduating on time and i have fucking NO ONE i can talk to this about and ive used up like all of my good will in all of my personal#relationships already and i am So Fucking Sick of feeling mean and petty and evil all the time but my options are either fucking smile and#be noticeably fake optimistic when i get called on my bullshit or burn like all three of my last remaining bridges#i just dont see why i cant even make it to interviews. like i can accept not being the right fit or whatever. but like. it really kinda is#everyone but me whos employed by now.#man. like listen. its not my professors fault. i get that i've got her in a bad position.#but she said ''sometimes we have to pick between sources of joy'' like MAN--#do NOT speak to me about that. absolutely the FUCK not.#you! are employed and have been in this field for over a decade and i work in a grocery store with no sign of luck changing.#i need to be in this section bc 1) im not fucking doing academia with a gun pulled on me#2) i need to actually get some kind of professional experience since its clear i can't actually get a job on merit so i guess i will pay to#go further into debt#anyway no one is around to talk to me about this and i hate bitching to my friends about how fucking hopeless i feel all the fucking time s#everyone please look away from my diary posting and think of me as sexy and fun and bubbly <3333#like. its literally no ones fault so i should not be this fucking resentful.#and yet.#yeah im probably not getting classed as a good person for another several years. shame. ive always wanted to be good.#library travails
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alfhildr-the-word-weaver Ā· 3 months ago
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juniperhillpatient Ā· 5 months ago
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I hate ā€œlove at first sightā€ or like instant infatuation in most cases but I think itā€™s a trope that CAN be done super well it just rarely is. thereā€™s nothing exciting or interesting about two hot people who see each other & instantly fall in love all by itself nonsensically like idk I just donā€™t believe in that & find it dull. but thereā€™s a way to do it where itā€™s like ā€œYEAH that makes perfect senseā€ like two people who suffered something brief but absolutely insane together & can never let go of the thought of one another or someone who saw someone else do something crazy or really fucking cool or stupid & canā€™t let it go or someone totally isolated whoā€™s decided to make the first person theyā€™ve interacted with or who helped free them into this total savior who walks on water like it CAN be such a neat trope you just gotta sell it right.
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seventh-district Ā· 4 months ago
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#Seven's Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#can i go more than a fucking week without having my cptsd triggered again? pLEASE???#me and my haywire nervous system can't ever catch a fucking break i swear to god#at least i managed to get the Matt fic posted before that happened and ruined my night#literally three minutes after i hit post. something has to happen IRL and ruin my slight good mood. sigh. anyways#my chest still feels tight but my focus is coming back i think. lets hope the rest of the night is uneventful#anyways. uh. positives. got the Matt fic posted on here And Ao3! yay. after working on it the last two evenings it's officially done#i know i put way too much effort into my fics especially ones that will get very little readership but eh i can't help it#time spent doing something you enjoy is never time wasted or however the saying goes#uh oh. the stress injury in my neck is starting to feel tight again. that's probably not a great sign#i should try to relax. been sitting at my desk too much recently and my back's mad abt it too#i would unwind with some Genshin exploration grinding or smthn but that's just more desk sitting time#so hm. animal crossing in bed it is then#watch me say that then spend the next 3 hours on tumblr#i cant help it i want to update my pinned posts and fill my queue up some more#and i have some drafts to work on... still need to finish that Sun & Moon appearance guide for ES#maybe i'll pull an all-nighter. i need to fix my sleep schedule again. like badly. but then i risk a migraine. aaggghhhhhh#anyways this has been Venting and Bad Decision Making 101 thabks for coming to my TED talk#oh hey look at that i got a like on the Matt fic. mood slightly improved. thank u whoever u r <3
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c0rpsedemon Ā· 10 months ago
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there's so much manga i have to read it's unreal šŸ˜­
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warlordfelwinter Ā· 1 year ago
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i think i'm deciding that rain was created before bhaal's death and is significantly older than he looks bc god blood + no mortal mother potentially at all means his lifespan is fucking calvin ball and he can be whatever i want
bhaal made a special little freak who was unrelated to his other children and their use for resurrecting him so that's why he wasn't killed during All That and why he's got the urge and a obsequious little wretch who follows him around
just imagining how long he spent skulking around becoming the worlds best murderer while the other bhaalspawn were tearing each others throats out just like
all the other bhaalspawn: *murdering each other*
rain:
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cicadangel Ā· 3 months ago
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I HATE APPLYING TO COLLEGE. I finished (I think) my personal statement and it's like fine. It's about my love for Korean literature and then the overall message is that I value intellectual curiosity and obsession (in like normal way. haha.) but i'm froze in my place and going crazy over the fact that my sat is a 1500 so 10 points lower than the my #1 school's alleged (ALLEGED. BECAUSE THEY DONT RELEASE ANY OF THEIR INFO) average score.... (which clearly isn't there average score bc of the Evil test optionals). but!! my sat score is 600+ points higher than my school's avg. (and also, idk how they're gonna weight scores given that the whole sat changed) and even though I am Asian I also go to a severely underfunded school in Maine (my #1 school is in the midwest, according to my calculations (aka instagram stalking) only about 4 ppl from my entire state attend the school each year). and I'm applying for east Asian studies aka major nobody wants do to (yay!) but the other people applying for that are likely insanely intelligent international school impossibly rich international students (BOOOOOO!). but perhaps it's time to give a mixed race girl from Maine a chance huh. my ecs are good I believe and certainly very very unique most of them anyway. I have a clear spike for my major. it's also clear I'm not a loser nerd bc of my letters of rec (hopefully) and the fact I'm top 5 in athletics in the state for my event. [school] LET ME INNNNN LET ME INNNNNN
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gothiclit Ā· 9 months ago
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is it just me or is everything So Much
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phagodyke Ā· 4 months ago
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having a wild sunday afternoon im.baking cake and ironing and I also keep randomly bursting into tears or giggling hysterically alone in the kitchen but let's not even worry abt that šŸ«£
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ghosts-of-love Ā· 1 year ago
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not to be mentally ill but today when i went for a walk in a nature reserve i was climbing a hill and it was cold but so so sunny and everything looked beautiful and i saw so many cool things and i stood there and was like damn what's this feeling in my chest and why am i smiling so much?? my guy,, it's called fucking happiness. i was just present and content in the moment and couldn't contain myself so kept doing the silly arm shake thing i do and grinning at everything and then was like woah what's this feeling. fuckin, happiness dude.
#think the arm shake thing might be stimming (??) i referred to it as pogging and was informed that i've been using that word incorrectly#but yeah stimming ig#the arm shakes!! we all know them...#anyway do you ever get the feeling that other people experience happiness differently to you?#idk last week i was v depressed and now ive had a couple days in a row where ive been giggling with people and ive been cuddled and kissed#and today i took myself off on a walk and i was so so happy and then as i was walking back to my car#i had the gut wrenching feeling that i needed to text my parents that i'd been outside and had a good day and saw multiple cool animals#and that i loved them. because i suddenly got really worried that i would die on the way home and no one would know i'd been really happy??#even though id literally sent my bestie loads of photos and texts and a literal voice note while staring at a robin lol#anyway and then i was floored by the realisation that i carely deeply about whether i died or not#because i was pmsing last week and that is a terrible time for me and i end up being kind of passively suicidal ig#so to have such a big change in the space of a week was a huge shock#these tags are sooo incoherent and span so many emotions#i promise i've had a really lovely day. i just am anxious all the time and depressed sometimes#in a way that is harder to predict now my periods have stopped.#im realising this is the kind of stuff that should probably go in my diary but i've got this far with the tags that i can't be asked.#if anyone is still reading#you do not have to respond to this or like it in any way. i promise lol
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