#i should probably just get a diary!
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i stopped using this blog like 4 years ago bc i became less catastrophically depressed and also i felt that after my last major breakup i was using it in a really self destructive & self flagellating way, & i pretty much stopped using twitter like a year ago too because i could feel myself becoming a certified Boyfriend Girl and it was annoying. and i havenāt been journaling for a few years either. idk why, i think maybe bc i was just sick of thinking & talking about myself. i havenāt been in therapy or taken any medication in like 3 years either. idk, iāve just been trying to live my life & itās mostly been working. i donāt live with my mom anymore. i have a really wonderful partner and weāre very in love, & itās been two years & i havenāt done anything to blow it up yet. i have a semi-grownup job that i make like zero money at & iām way too emotionally entangled with, but it doesnāt make me want to kill myself, so it beats making lattes. i still feel a white hot lance of panic in my brain when i think about the future, but thereās nothing i can really do about that. iām like a ānormalā weight now, which upsets me if i actually think about it, so mostly i just lock that part of my brain in a cage and call it a day. idk. maybe thatās ārecoveryā maybe iām just being a coward about it. i feel a lot of guilt bc i used to pay attention to the world and what was happening in it, & i had a lot of opinions about justice and fairness and the fate of humanity, and now i pretty much just play d&d and listen to podcasts of other people playing d&d. i only want to listen to the same albums and watch the same movies i already like. i think i should probably make new friends bc all my old ones keep moving away, but the thought of doing that makes me really tired. iām only 27 which feels too young for my personality and interests to become this fossilized.
& i know this all sounds like complaining, but iām mostly pretty happy these days. things are more good than bad.
idk why i felt the need to write this all out, i think iāve just been feeling likeā¦ intellectually flat these days. like i used to spend a lot more time thinking about. uh everything i guess. i feel like i sacrificed my interest and curiosity for the world in exchange for being less miserable and it worked but now iām kind of bored.
i really donāt know what the point of this is!
i guess if youāre out there, so am i, & i hope youāre doing well.
#lol#idk if iām actually going to start using this again or not#i should probably just get a diary!
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woke up feeling very tired n i just do not want to exist today n it's so cold so i'm just going to stay home n take care of myself <3
#my lecture finishes at 5.30 today and i just really can't be bothered#i should probably go to it because i'll be able to get some help n clarity for a presentation but#not feeling great#diary#tiyas thoughts
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oh yea.. its all coming together
#now i just have to code the stupid thing#idk why my brain is procrastinating thatpart bc once i get started its pretty smooth from there. i just Dont Wanna#i mean i guess i could make the graphics before actually coding it but i should probably do the code first#i need extra time to make sure everything is laid out the way i want it before i start decorating ugh#i know theres a way to like hide and show an element without redirecting to another page so it doesnt have to reload all the time#but i cant remember how to do it..... i wanna use that for my journal entries so i dont have to manually update the entries section#each time i post a new journal entry. either that or i can have smth that lets me change the content without opening the html#all pages should link back to the homepage cuz i wanna keep the nav in one place..#cursor should have a neutral and hover sprite which should be easy.. and i was thinking of using dither me this for images#to give it an old win98 effect + the vhs overlay#yapping#diary#wip#oh shit and i need to make smth to redirect to the oc hub
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shoulder feels like itās in the wrong place and needs to make a mighty crunch but i keep trying and it just makes weak little clicks and feeling more and more tight and hurting. help! i have joints š
#bluejay.txt#my flute professor would Get me for this honestly. itās definitely from holding tension while i was playing earlier#sheās always all over me for playing with tension and pushing through pain#sheās right but iām afraid she also doesnāt get that me and my stupid demon collagen are gonna have pain no matter how perfect my posture#but i should fix it as much as i can and i just have so much trouble with that.#at least i donāt play with Visibly bad posture anymore. my elbows are down my neck is up spine is straight knees not locked etc.#used to do all that & looked like the hunchback of notre dame.#now i just hold too much tension bc iām afraid my shoulders will evacuate the premises (sockets) while iām playing š#which has happened before and is very unpleasant though it doesnāt hurt.#music school moment#i guess#i should have an EDS tag but it would probably just make me sad lmao#man i just want my joints to work right. i would sacrifice the scary shoulder party tricks for less pain and instability fr#been a while since i used this site as a diary like this. hope you all are enjoying it i guess :)
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Wverytime I sit down at a computer to make music I get so scared
#i like siting down with a guitar and writing music but the daw is still so scary to me and i dont know how to make it less scary#its like i dont know where to start#i understand music theory i can write chord progressions i can write melodies but arranging feels so daunting#like just trying to pick keyboard voices and stuff im like overwhelmed and then its like i just dont even know where to start#i think i need to do more covers to practice arranging because trying to do it with my own songs im just like i have NO IDEA#i do think that trying to recreate arrangements of other songs I like will help me but also just idk#i really want to get better at writing at the piano but i find it really hard#rn i write almost all my songs on the guitar then i guess what i have to do is try to think of like what style i want it to have#and sort of try to create a map like probably literally on paper and then try to go in and sort of do it but god its so hard i dont know#it feels so so daunting#even trying to make silly little stuff with just like some synths is really hard for me right now its so out of my comfort zone and AUGH id#its frustrating im scared of the computer but i also very much do not want to be an acoustic singer songwriter but thats all i can do#because all i can do is play fucking guitar!!!! and its just so frustrating#technically im like with a midi controller i should be able to do whatever program drums write little synth lines etc i dont have to like#know how to play piano and yet whenever i try to do it i just get so overwhelmed and freaked out with how many possibilities there are#that i just . cannnnnt#AHGHHHHHHHHHHHH im so im in such a bad mood right ow#ive had such a horrible night honestly#i think i will just go engage in fixation for comfort and then go to bed sigh#i dont know what to do to improve at making music in the daw i guess ill just maybe try again this weekend to take another crack at it#god its just so frustrating that i only started writing songs 2 years ago and have only learned to use a daw in the last 3 months i WISH#that i was one of these teenagers who spent all my time writing silly songs and playing around with a midi controller but i just didnt#because i was scared!!!!!!!#playing the guitar and singing has always been like the only thing that felt safe cos i felt if i tried to actually write and arrange songs#by myself i would fail so now i just feel so frustrated because i dont feel like a real musician and i feel like im starting too late#AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH whatever sorry for using the tags of this post as my diary but#i am frustrated!!!!
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donāt let me reread because i saw this
and an image of reynevan pleading innocent like the crying cat meme flashed across my mind
#szarlej: if the sorcerer does not fit you must acquit!!#you know we were robbed of a scene where szarlej pretends to be reynevanās lawyer? that should have happened at least once#what is with bandits robbing tax collectors in sapkowskiās novels??#you know of all the get rich quick schemes out there robbing a tax collector has REALLY dropped off in terms of popularity#i guess this is what happens when you study foreign trade - economics and then have an interest in medieval history#im still like omg. raubritters were a thing you didnt just make that up? thatās fucked up. but cool that it wasnāt made up. but fucked up#and itās literally raub + ritter. obvious german should be obvious#the first is a cognate and the second i know from rittersporne which guess how i know that š#anywaysā¦#you knowā¦ if angoulĆŖme still had friends around thereās a less than zero chance they would have tried to jump regis#he would hear it coming from a mile away (ā¦ maybe literally) and just disappear around a street corner#orā¦ hide under a rockā¦ like canonically. honestly still not sure why he did that.#ITS THE FULL MOON. YOU CAN FLY#regis answer = āidkā¦ i got scared š„š„ā¦ā#honestly interesting conundrum because too many ideas i have seen are like āsomeone tries to fuck with a vampire they get ripped to shredsā#which ok wish fulfillment i get it but#consider that 1. regis is nonviolent and would likely put someone to sleep over kill them#2. they are teenage hooligans 3. he understands teenager hooliganism#honestly he would pacify them and then while their eyes are empty he would just be like giving some solid life advice#bandits: standing with head drooped. probably drooling on themselves | regis: sounding like a turn your life around podcast#the elbow-high diaries#not even interesting post sorry just totally ramble nonsense here
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another weekend, another job rejection!
#and now no more positions are open to apply to! for now at least. some more will probably drop soon. fuck i hope so.#love just. being fucking unable to even make it into the interview phase for my extraordinarily lofty career goal#Of Working In A Fucking Library#just. so thrilled.#kazoo noises#anyway tomorrow morning i have to find a time to talk to my rabbis bc if i dont figure shit out i have to pick between becoming jewish or#graduating on time and i have fucking NO ONE i can talk to this about and ive used up like all of my good will in all of my personal#relationships already and i am So Fucking Sick of feeling mean and petty and evil all the time but my options are either fucking smile and#be noticeably fake optimistic when i get called on my bullshit or burn like all three of my last remaining bridges#i just dont see why i cant even make it to interviews. like i can accept not being the right fit or whatever. but like. it really kinda is#everyone but me whos employed by now.#man. like listen. its not my professors fault. i get that i've got her in a bad position.#but she said ''sometimes we have to pick between sources of joy'' like MAN--#do NOT speak to me about that. absolutely the FUCK not.#you! are employed and have been in this field for over a decade and i work in a grocery store with no sign of luck changing.#i need to be in this section bc 1) im not fucking doing academia with a gun pulled on me#2) i need to actually get some kind of professional experience since its clear i can't actually get a job on merit so i guess i will pay to#go further into debt#anyway no one is around to talk to me about this and i hate bitching to my friends about how fucking hopeless i feel all the fucking time s#everyone please look away from my diary posting and think of me as sexy and fun and bubbly <3333#like. its literally no ones fault so i should not be this fucking resentful.#and yet.#yeah im probably not getting classed as a good person for another several years. shame. ive always wanted to be good.#library travails
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#I think I've been using Bamenzolena most probably?#but sometimes I know I've said Bonlenamenzo too#I just now came up with the other two because I was trying to work through every conceivable iteration#I think Bonnie is first in most of her ship names and of course Bamenzo is the established term for the ot3 I'm meddling with#in a sense. I mean this isn't solely me meddling with Bamenzo. it's also me playing with āI love you like Elena loves youā#and it's also me wanting Delena and Denzo and Bonenzo to all exist at once too#I've never written an ot4 before. I've done some ot3 stuffā mostly spuffel. it's interestingā trying to balance all the characters#I'm not very far with it yet but here is a poll to make me think about it more :)#I should tag all the branches of ships#delena#denzo#bamon#bonenzo#bonlena#is there even a ship name for Elena/Enzo? I think there the farthest flung ship in the square tbh#bamenzo#I love making up funky words from too many people's names lol#the Vampire Diaries#tvd#shipping nonsense#also a way to lowkey advertise this fic I'm unlikely to ever finish lol. motivate me ;)#idk if anybody but me would be into this. not sure there's a lot of overlap in delena shippers and bamenzo shippers. but here I be :)#Bonnie Bennett#shoot I'm out of tags anyways vote now!#Elena Gilbert#Damon Salvatore#enzo st. john#there I deleted some so I could get all the characters on here lol#even in the tags i ramble
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I hate ālove at first sightā or like instant infatuation in most cases but I think itās a trope that CAN be done super well it just rarely is. thereās nothing exciting or interesting about two hot people who see each other & instantly fall in love all by itself nonsensically like idk I just donāt believe in that & find it dull. but thereās a way to do it where itās like āYEAH that makes perfect senseā like two people who suffered something brief but absolutely insane together & can never let go of the thought of one another or someone who saw someone else do something crazy or really fucking cool or stupid & canāt let it go or someone totally isolated whoās decided to make the first person theyāve interacted with or who helped free them into this total savior who walks on water like it CAN be such a neat trope you just gotta sell it right.
#romance#I like to think I did it well with azula & katara in scream au#I mean they had seen each other before they went to the same school they just didnāt think about each other before That Night#itās probably the only time Iāll write that instant infatuation for them#instant obsession sure but the romance should typically be slowburn for Azutara imo#anyway what this is actually about is my original WIP#I think Aliceās instant obsession with Nick makes perfect sense#given sheās a hopeless romantic & heās a hot guy & the first person whoās not her sibling that sheās interacts with in 30 years#& heās a journalist whoās parents just died of course heās instantly obsessed with the beautiful ghost girl who proves#theres life beyond death & also introduces him to an intricate mystery that gets his investigative blood flowing#stairway#I need to post about this project even if only like 2 of you are reading it#it keeps me myself invested ok#this blog is really just a diary
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#Seven's Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#can i go more than a fucking week without having my cptsd triggered again? pLEASE???#me and my haywire nervous system can't ever catch a fucking break i swear to god#at least i managed to get the Matt fic posted before that happened and ruined my night#literally three minutes after i hit post. something has to happen IRL and ruin my slight good mood. sigh. anyways#my chest still feels tight but my focus is coming back i think. lets hope the rest of the night is uneventful#anyways. uh. positives. got the Matt fic posted on here And Ao3! yay. after working on it the last two evenings it's officially done#i know i put way too much effort into my fics especially ones that will get very little readership but eh i can't help it#time spent doing something you enjoy is never time wasted or however the saying goes#uh oh. the stress injury in my neck is starting to feel tight again. that's probably not a great sign#i should try to relax. been sitting at my desk too much recently and my back's mad abt it too#i would unwind with some Genshin exploration grinding or smthn but that's just more desk sitting time#so hm. animal crossing in bed it is then#watch me say that then spend the next 3 hours on tumblr#i cant help it i want to update my pinned posts and fill my queue up some more#and i have some drafts to work on... still need to finish that Sun & Moon appearance guide for ES#maybe i'll pull an all-nighter. i need to fix my sleep schedule again. like badly. but then i risk a migraine. aaggghhhhhh#anyways this has been Venting and Bad Decision Making 101 thabks for coming to my TED talk#oh hey look at that i got a like on the Matt fic. mood slightly improved. thank u whoever u r <3
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there's so much manga i have to read it's unreal š
#for physicals i have 13 volumes of yona of the dawn. all of the rose of versailles. the first volume of the illustrated guide to monster#girls. and i need to reread tbhk or at least the first volume bc i told one of my kids at work that i'd let him read it while he's at the#program and i need to brush up on it bc it's been over a year.#and then for manga i don't have physicals of. i desperately need to reread and then catch up on kuro. considering everything the fact that#don't own the full series is a miracle probably prompted by how much my parents hated it up until the last few months when they suddenly#chilled tf out. i should get caught up on yuri is my job and finish killer in love. also i've sat down to read cocoon intertwined like 24#times and gotten distracted and didn't every single one. i've been meaning to reread ohshc and pick up kamisama kiss. fruits basket.#vampire knight. nana. the apothecary diaries and chainsaw man. and i should give goodnight punpun a proper read too#then there's all of clamp's works in release order bc i have two volumes of tsubasa but haven't touched them bc i need to go in#release order or i'll die. and now that i think about it i'm really behind on oshi no ko#+ i have a full google doc of manga i need to get too and this is just what i can think of off the top of my head so god knows#what else is in there#romeo.txt
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i think i'm deciding that rain was created before bhaal's death and is significantly older than he looks bc god blood + no mortal mother potentially at all means his lifespan is fucking calvin ball and he can be whatever i want
bhaal made a special little freak who was unrelated to his other children and their use for resurrecting him so that's why he wasn't killed during All That and why he's got the urge and a obsequious little wretch who follows him around
just imagining how long he spent skulking around becoming the worlds best murderer while the other bhaalspawn were tearing each others throats out just like
all the other bhaalspawn: *murdering each other*
rain:
#not that any of this matters to rain#although given that he couldn't even speak with kressa#and you get some memories back through the game#kind of implies to me that his brain is very very very slowly healing#so he might remember more over the course of the rest of his life#but probably not all#and it'll just be a surprise how he ages and how long he lives after this#since bhaal took his blood back#he's no longer a half elf his race is Little Fucker#bhaal made him look like that cause he would blend in or something#and his fucked up eye and the veins of darkness from it (that's not a tattoo in my mind) are evidence of the god blood#there's also apparently a note somewhere where the durge mocks orin for not being as special as them and i need to find it#i probably missed it already knowing me#but i want to see more of rain's diary entries#fel's bg3#oc: rain#it's fine also cause gale is a wizard so he can figure out some way to live for way longer than a human should#to keep up with his godspawn freak of a husband
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I HATE APPLYING TO COLLEGE. I finished (I think) my personal statement and it's like fine. It's about my love for Korean literature and then the overall message is that I value intellectual curiosity and obsession (in like normal way. haha.) but i'm froze in my place and going crazy over the fact that my sat is a 1500 so 10 points lower than the my #1 school's alleged (ALLEGED. BECAUSE THEY DONT RELEASE ANY OF THEIR INFO) average score.... (which clearly isn't there average score bc of the Evil test optionals). but!! my sat score is 600+ points higher than my school's avg. (and also, idk how they're gonna weight scores given that the whole sat changed) and even though I am Asian I also go to a severely underfunded school in Maine (my #1 school is in the midwest, according to my calculations (aka instagram stalking) only about 4 ppl from my entire state attend the school each year). and I'm applying for east Asian studies aka major nobody wants do to (yay!) but the other people applying for that are likely insanely intelligent international school impossibly rich international students (BOOOOOO!). but perhaps it's time to give a mixed race girl from Maine a chance huh. my ecs are good I believe and certainly very very unique most of them anyway. I have a clear spike for my major. it's also clear I'm not a loser nerd bc of my letters of rec (hopefully) and the fact I'm top 5 in athletics in the state for my event. [school] LET ME INNNNN LET ME INNNNNN
#diary#to beee honest I don't even need to get in to my Ed just! somewhere on my favorite list!!!#I wont do a chance me on Reddit though they will probably tell me i'm community college bound#I will not lie. I think test optional is terrible#colleges should either required SAT/act or be blind I'm sick of the optionals inflating schools avg scores
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is it just me or is everything So Much
#i can't believe it's been two weeks since my birthday Wots Going On#i don't know what's wrong with me frankly there's no way everyone else gets this Exhausted just by attending school and#dealing with burecreatic shit and talking to people maybe i'm defective#i haven't even been fencing as often#most people probably don't spend a significant amount of their time each day looking at the calendar trying to remember what they did on#each specific day. i should probably start a diary.
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having a wild sunday afternoon im.baking cake and ironing and I also keep randomly bursting into tears or giggling hysterically alone in the kitchen but let's not even worry abt that š«£
#everything is so funny to me i dont even caaaarreeeee ik its just cuz im pre-crashing i do this like every weekend lollll#think im a bit dehydrated i should get another glass of water#gonna finish ironing n polish my boots n ice this cake and then mmmm. probably do some stretches again#and then eat and then who knows. idc as long as i go to bed early and sleep alright tonight thats the main thing#at least i have work n gym tomorrow so wont have to think abt anything from the second i wake up until i go to sleep#.diaries
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not to be mentally ill but today when i went for a walk in a nature reserve i was climbing a hill and it was cold but so so sunny and everything looked beautiful and i saw so many cool things and i stood there and was like damn what's this feeling in my chest and why am i smiling so much?? my guy,, it's called fucking happiness. i was just present and content in the moment and couldn't contain myself so kept doing the silly arm shake thing i do and grinning at everything and then was like woah what's this feeling. fuckin, happiness dude.
#think the arm shake thing might be stimming (??) i referred to it as pogging and was informed that i've been using that word incorrectly#but yeah stimming ig#the arm shakes!! we all know them...#anyway do you ever get the feeling that other people experience happiness differently to you?#idk last week i was v depressed and now ive had a couple days in a row where ive been giggling with people and ive been cuddled and kissed#and today i took myself off on a walk and i was so so happy and then as i was walking back to my car#i had the gut wrenching feeling that i needed to text my parents that i'd been outside and had a good day and saw multiple cool animals#and that i loved them. because i suddenly got really worried that i would die on the way home and no one would know i'd been really happy??#even though id literally sent my bestie loads of photos and texts and a literal voice note while staring at a robin lol#anyway and then i was floored by the realisation that i carely deeply about whether i died or not#because i was pmsing last week and that is a terrible time for me and i end up being kind of passively suicidal ig#so to have such a big change in the space of a week was a huge shock#these tags are sooo incoherent and span so many emotions#i promise i've had a really lovely day. i just am anxious all the time and depressed sometimes#in a way that is harder to predict now my periods have stopped.#im realising this is the kind of stuff that should probably go in my diary but i've got this far with the tags that i can't be asked.#if anyone is still reading#you do not have to respond to this or like it in any way. i promise lol
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