#i should just make normal gifsets like a sane person

[tragicotps]

Masriel + Tumblr text posts 2/? (part 1)

[annakie]

Notes on a Blog Cleanup, Part 5

...And now I’m at Page 611.  I’m in the end of 2016.  So, a little under 400 pages to get through another 18ish months.  Big change from the first 1000 pages being 18 months.

And this is when things go very, very wrong, for all of us, and then for me in a big way, in particular.

This is less about the blog and just more about reflecting on a time period.

And maybe my last post on this series.   We’ll see.

This got real personal at the end.  I’ll see if I keep it up tomorrow.

I really loved going through the last couple of years on the blog, but I was very, very much dreading getting to November, 2016.  We all know why.

The second half of 2015 was pretty great.  Went to NYCC a second time (though I never got around to doing recaps of that trip, which had its ups and downs but mostly ups), and then mom and I went on a Caribbean cruise, which I also didn’t do much recaps of.   Because on that trip, my grandmother had a big downturn on her health.  My mom nearly left the cruise early to fly back to Dallas (and the Princess Cruise people were so, so good to my mom when the front desk found out what was going on).  But in the end she stayed, but getting back home was like when everything really started going wrong, and why I say that the end of one of the best times of my life stopped after that cruise.

We got back, and a week later grandma had the stroke that signaled the end, and after a little over a month of hospice care that was very difficult to watch (and my mom and aunt and even dad were so brave about), she was gone.  Some good stuff happened in there, like The Force Awakens released, a fun Christmas party at work... but yeah.

I kept alluding to other bad things happening in 2016 and yet I honestly can’t remember now what was so bad, except that my oldest cat and my dog’s healths were both starting to fail.  I’m sure I had other reasons, but hey, from the standpoint of 2019, I’d just about to kill to go back to one ordinary weekday of January through very early November 2016 when we had a sane president and relatively sane political climate, I still had my job with the people I loved, and Jim and Cebu were still alive.   

Not that things are THAT TERRIBLE now, I just... really miss all those things.

I deleted a lot of political posts from the blog back then because, tbh, they just hurt to much to see.  I was like 90% sure Hillary would win, weren’t we all?  It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

I got to one post the day the Cubs won the World Series and was like “That was the last day where things felt... hopeful and normal?”  Like wow this one really cool thing happened (at least to me it was awesome) and then like two days later... the world turned upside down.

I took the next day off work to stay in bed and just... cope.  When I went back to work the next day a friend of mine and I were talking and she told me that she knew how I felt but thought it wasn’t going to be that bad.  That maybe I was overreacting.   A year later she told me she was wrong to have told me that.

I’m counting the months until, hopefully, this is all over.  If we’re lucky, sixteen months.  If this impeachment thing actually yields results, much less.  If we’re very not lucky... much, much more than that.  I can’t even deal with the thought.

I’ve... decided to press pause on the blog cleanup, even though I have 600 pages (which is still THREE YEARS!) to go.  

I got to my first post where I admitted on the blog that I knew it would be Jim’s time to go pretty soon, and at the time, thought I still had around 6 months for Cebu.  

In the last few years, I have gone back and visited my posts about how my close to 17 year-old cat died on Christmas morning and then my 14+ year-old dog died three days later.  It was, so far, still considered to be the worst week of my life.  I had no family in town to turn to really, but they called, and friends who reached out online, and I made it through that time, but it’s three years later and it’s still hard to really think about when I’m not in the right headspace.  

The entirety of the end of 2016 until... honestly, like June of 2018 was like a freight train that hit and didn’t let go.  Things were actually okay when the grief cloud lifted around March of 2017 until the end of June, and then I found out my company was getting bought out, and then, well, this happened.  And it was worse than what I wrote in that post, to try and not mudsling as much as I could have.  

I am still finding posts I want to tag, entire gifsets I forgot to tag correctly here and there, or things that should have been tagged personal post or TAH or Mass Effect or whatever that weren’t.   As time goes on, I tag better and better though, and very little needs to be deleted other than “stuff is one sale right now!” or “This is no longer relevant” posts so... it’s relatively good now.

I’ve been feeling pretty shitty the last couple of weeks.  My dad’s oldest sister is dying, she’ll be gone in the next week or two.  I went to Palm Springs to visit her at the beginning of the month.  She was always so bright and vibrant and... classy.  I hadn’t seen her at all in like a decade though.  It’s weird how time gets away from you like that.  

The last time I’d seen her and my uncle, my entire family including my (mom’s sister) aunt, my (mom’s mom) grandma, my brother, (pregnant at the time!) SIL, and her parents were all supposed to go on a cruise, and Mom/dad/grandma/aunt and I were to stay with that (dad’s sister) aunt and uncle for a few days over thanksgiving before getting on the ship.  Grandma got sick, so I did Thanksgiving with (ds) aunt and uncle on my own.  And it was really fun.  I’d been so nervous at the time to be there without my parents and... nope it was a great weekend.  They took me to a Christmas fair, a NA Pow-wow (public was invited!), antiquing, bought me a sweatshirt and a copper bracelet... spoiled me rotten.  

Seeing her so diminished and what she and my uncle are going through now... very difficult.  My parents have been out there for over a month now, they’ll be there to the end.  

I thought I’d posted about this but I guess I hadn’t?  Over July 4th weekend I drove to visit my brother and sister in law and their (four!) kids.  My parents were there, too (they’re RVers, they can be wherever they want in a few days) My dad’s OTHER sister and his brother flew in for a day and a half, too.  I saw more family this year than I had than the past 10 years before this combined.  It’s really started to make me think about the value of family, if they’re good to you, which mine are, even if you don’t agree with them about everything.  

I thought I was getting sick all day, I came home from work at like 10:30 this morning, called into a meeting, slept through lunch, worked for an hour or two, had my afternoon meetings canceled by my boss then just laid in bed.  I was supposed to go play D&D4e tonight, and I didn’t go.  I could have.  I just... realized late this afternoon, I’m not sick, I’m just... blah.  I’m not sure if going through this blog was a symptom of that, or a cause.  

I think the impeachment stuff is getting to me, too.  It’s a part of how I feel.  I can’t stop looking for news of it.  I don’t want to get my hopes up.  I keep telling myself to let it go.  I can’t.  We are all so tired of what’s going on.  I’m exhausted.  We all are.

I can’t get the idea of moving to where my brother lives to be near him and the SIL and the kids out of my head.  I’ve been looking at real estate listings and can probably get a slightly nicer house there for what I could sell mine for here.  My job is... it’s fine.  But I could probably get a similar one there.  There’s one thing holding me here, my friends.  I keep wondering now if that’s enough.  I’ve lived in Dallas literally half my life.  Am I going to spend the rest of it here?  I’m not as happy as I used to be, that’s for sure.

Maybe.  It’s just a thought.  It’s a lot of work.  I don’t know.  I probably won’t go anywhere.

I think I need to go get some more sleep.

[itsybitsylemonsqueezy]

Gotham 3x14

The Gentle Art of Making Enemies

And I want to slap and kiss the writer who came up with THAT title, because I mean... you smug, self-aggrandizing, self-satisfied jerk. But it IS accurate, can’t fault you for that xp

So, here’s how this is going to go. I have so many feels about this episode I can’t begin to organize, so I’m just going to rewatch it and liveblog the whole thing. Then later, as a resident crossover Fannibal/Gothamite, I plan to do a deconstruction of 3x14 comparing it to Mizumono, the infamous season 2 finale of Hannibal. If you’re not familiar, I’m afraid I have to ask you to watch this clip. I couldn’t find any gifsets that showed ALL of the blocking, even this clip doesn’t have Will getting out into the pouring rain, but now I’ve just said it was and is VERY RAINING, so that’s fine. I’m also giving you the EXTRA FEELS edition without the music behind it because it was SO HARD to find a clip that showed everything I needed. If you would like to hear the music of LITERAL HEARTBREAK though and PLEASE DO use it for the ending of this episode, in fact I will like PAY a video editor to overdub the end of 3x14 with Bloodfest, PLEASE,  but if you would like to hear pain transcribed, here you go! Welcome to Bloodfest!

But more on all of that later, first, the liveblog! Under the cut, of course c:

You know, normally black outs are one of my favorite fic tropes, but I know for a fact no one is having ‘anonymous’ sex tonight

AU where Jim and Harvey are zookeepers

This is just... unbelievably painful to watch. I can’t watch Oswald being this stupid, it... ouch.

And Ed... EDDDD, UGH MY CHILD! MY BEAUTIFUL BABE!

You know Ed, I’m with you, we kinda all expected Oswald to kill her personally, it was kinda weird he didn’t. I know why, he was HOPING TO HELL you wouldn’t find out, but like THAT was ever going to fucking happen and that has been the WHOLE problem this ENTIRE time. Oswald hasn’t been thinking straight since he fell in love with you, if he had, he would have known that NO cover up, no matter how meticulous, how well-done, NEVER would have fooled you, Ed Nygma. And yet, time and again, and ESPECIALLY this episode, Oswald does INCREDIBLY. DUMB, THINGS. And he knows better. And that’s what makes it so hard to watch.

Oh baby, you are so... angry. And I mean that POSITIVELY, I mean that in the BEST way, because you are AT FUCKING LAST being angry WITH him, in FRONT of him, we are finally getting some positive goddamn traction on your emotions, you’re working through it! You’re doing it! I am so fucking happy! 

And it’s clear, from the look on your BEAUTIFUL ANGUISHED FACE, that what UPSETS YOU, ABOUT ALL OF THIS, is the betrayal and GOOD. IT SHOULD. THAT IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE ANGRY ABOUT. THAT IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE CONFRONTING HIM ON AND YOU ARE AND I AM SO FUCKING PROUD! You are being explicit and honest and FUCK I AM SO HAPPY. YOU COME SO FAR BABY. YOU COME SO FAR! I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!

And Oswald... honey. I do love you, not as much as my son, but I do love you too, which is why I am so disappointed in you this episode. You keep lying when we are WAY PAST LYING. You keep saying THE WRONG FUCKING THING. And again, YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER. But you’re not, you’re being an idiot. I’m sorry, just... Ed confronting you WITH THE GODDAMN car was NOT the time to say ‘no I didn’t do it’ OSWALD HONEY. OSWALD. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS. DO YOU NOT SEE THE LOOK ON ED’S FACE. HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN FUCKING BELIEVING YOU YOU PIECE OF TRASH. GET IT TOFUCKINGGETHER AND TELL ED THE TRUTH, HE FUCKING DESERVES IT.

Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but just. I’m ALL about Ed in this, ALL ED ALL THE TIME. And one of the GREAT AND BEAUTIFUL THINGS this episode is doing is breaking their rule about not showing us Ed’s face when he’s saying something important. For the first time ever we get to see IN FULL FRONTAL CLARITY what he looks like and we know, viscerally, how he feels and I am SO PLEASED. There are no tricks, no lies, just pure unvarnished honesty. Except for the scene at the end where they do something SO CLEVER AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH but we’ll get to that later, all in good time. But here, where Ed’s explaining how he took everything from Oswald, he looks PAINED. He didn’t WANT to do this, he didn’t want to have to DESTROY his best friend, hero, and idol. It hurt him to do this, as all betrayal does, it hurts so much to be angry at someone when they’ve hurt you because you LOVED them. And you didn’t ever want to feel this way, you didn’t ever want to know that they could hurt you like this, that they WOULD. I just... UGGGGHHHH POSITIVE EXPRESSIONS OF EMOTIONS! I AM SO FUCKING THRILLED! NO MORE REPRESSION! NO MORE DENIAL! I celebrated the whole goddamn episode I AM SO HAPPY HE IS HAVING FEELINGS AND SHOWING THEM AND SAYING THINGS, I AM OVER THE MOON!

Court of Owls, blah blah blah, whatever, who cares

HARVEY. HARVEY ONCE AGAIN BEING THE ONLY SANE PERSON HERE. HARVEY BEING THE FIRST PERSON TO GO “Did you know we don’t have ANY mayoral staff right now? No mayor, no chief of staff, literally no one.” Because, think about it, NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT THE SHIT ED’S BEEN PULLING. NO ONE HAS ANY FUCKING IDEA. OSWALD’S BEEN OUT FOR AT LEAST TWO DAYS AND IT’S JUST HILARIOUS THAT HARVEY IS THE FIRST PERSON TO NOTICE. Also, how the fuck does Gotham even work? I mean, putting aside the fact that we’re a breeding ground for super villains, this city is HELL because the government is a pantomime soap opera. I mean... I... wowwwwww. Wow. But FINALLY now someone can go “Did you know we have literally no idea what’s going on? Huh. Maybe we should go check that out.”

Like, I want Jim and Harvey to finally go OKAY, WHERE THE FUCK IS OUR MAYOR, WHAT DID OSWALD FUCK UP NOW and be in the middle of trying to unravel all of THAT SHIT when ED HAPPENS. When Ed just, full Riddler, waltzes the fuck in and Jim and Harvey are both, “Ed??? Aren’t you Oswald’s chief of staff? Where is he?” Because on public record THAT IS STILL WHERE WE ARE. And I want Ed to just LAUGH at them to just go “Oh right! Yeah that WAS my job... good fucking luck! I’m not explaining ANYTHING!” and he goes off to fucking chaos riddle something else and Harvey just looks at that green streak of instability and says, “Well, clearly Oswald fucked THAT up.” and for Jim to just look at him in horror, offended that Harvey said these words in front of him, that Harvey let him know this and now he can never unknow it.

“The city’s one giant dumpster fire” Thank you Harvey. Thank you Harvey, you continue to be perfect.

Oh my goddddd EVERYTHING about Ed walking Oswald through his grand plan, EVERYTHING. I LOVE EVERYTHING. BEAUTIFUL. I love that Ed is incapable of NOT explaining how he did it, I love how he gloats, I even love Oswald’s naive disbelief and shock that all of this is how it happened. XDDDD

And OH MANY, that bit about dumping his father’s bones in a dumpster behind a Chinese restaurant? I AM NOW 100% CERTAIN ED IS LYING AND HAS BEEN LYING THE WHOLE TIME ABOUT THAT. And I’m really fucking relieved, oh man, good to know he was just being a shit. Because I COULD have believed Ed went so far to really dig up his bones, but just throw them in a dumpster? No, no, he was in forensics, we don’t treat bones that way. We don’t treat bones that way. And given that was such a spectacular, colorful lie for the pure purpose of pissing off Oswald, I now believe the WHOLE thing was just a fucking ruse and that makes me happy. Bless you Ed, bless you.

YEAH OSWALD, YEAH ED NEEDS YOU TO SAY IT, HE NEEDS FUCKING CLOSURE, WHY IS THIS A SURPRISE TO YOU. WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A LITTLE SHIT. OH MY GOD.

And ohhhh no. Oh no no no no. nooooo. I remember saying “Shut up shut up SHUT UP” to myself as I watched Oswald start “and you should thank me because...” because oH MY GOD NO. OH MY GOD YOU BETTER WALK YOURSELF FUCKING BACK DON’T YOU EVEN GODDAMN DAAAARE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?! Because BOY ON THE LIST OF THINGS NOT TO SAY, THAT IS THE VERY FIRST ONE. THERE IS NOTHING THAT COMES BEFORE “Tell Ed he would have murdered her himself” on the list of things YOU SHOULD NOT FUCKING SAY TO HIM RIGHT NOW. YOU SON OF A BITCH OSWALD. I know you know it, I even know HE knows it, but you GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME THAT YOU’RE GOING TO THROW THAT AT HIM AT A TIME LIKE THIS. WHEN HE CLEARLY ALREADY WANTS TO KILL YOU. YOU’RE GONNA... I can’t fucking believe you Oswald. I cannot fucking believe you. I... that REALLY cut me deep, I couldn’t believe Oswald would say that. And it doesn’t even fucking matter if it’s true NOT THE GODDAMN POINT.

To Ed’s INCREDIBLE credit, he doesn’t fly off the handle for that. Which makes me think he expected it, he prepared. Because HE DON’T EVEN FUCKING LISTEN. He refuses to fucking take that in and GOOD JOB BABY. GOOD MOTHERFUCKING JOB DON’T YOU LET HIM DO THAT TO YOU, YOU KEEP ON BABY, YOU ARE GLOWING AND I LOVE YOU, I AM SO PROUD.

“You’re a monster, just like me” IS NOT THE ARGUMENT YOU WANT TO BE MAKING RIGHT NOW. I just... I... it’s manipulation. You’re fucking manipulating Ed when he is MAD AT YOU FOR MANIPULATING HIM. OSWALD DID YOU THINK ABOUT THIS AT ALL BEFORE YOU SAID IT. IN WHAT WORLD WOULD THIS WORK, WHEN ON EARTH WOULD ED FUCKING LISTEN TO YOU??? EVEN if you’re right, EVEN if that’s true THAT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING THE THING HE IS MAD AT YOU FOR DOING. HOLY FUCK OSWALD.

It’s... it’s an insult, it’s a goddamn insult to who Ed thinks he is and who he wants to be, you’re... I just.. .WHY why would you be saying this? You are DENYING him his ability to control himself, you’re degrading him TO HIS FACE. AND YOU THINK THIS WILL SOMEHOW WORK???

Now, to be fair, I don’t think once, in this entire episode, is Oswald ever truly trying to save his own neck. The entire time he’s only trying to get Ed to see something, he’s trying to get through to Ed. Which I think is why Oswald doesn’t say ANYTHING right, he DOESN’T say what will get him out of this, when we’ve SEEN him do that MULTIPLE TIMES, because he’s not trying to do that right now. And I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t think Ed is serious, Ed is PATENTLY, DANGEROUSLY serious, I think it’s just... it’s not his priority right now, he’s just focused on talking to Ed. I think... genuinely, Oswald doesn’t care if this kills him for the entire episode. Even starting last episode, I don’t think Oswald cares that Ed will kill him, that loving him will kill him. Which is... WOW, wow, OKAY. I mean, major Hannigram feels, but putting that aside for a second.

It’s also unexpected for every character here INCLUDING Oswald himself. I mean Ed plans PERFECTLY, he has Oswald down to a science, he has him pegged for the survivalist gutter rat Oswald is, was, and always shall be. Which is why it throws EVERYONE OFF when Oswald doesn’t play to script, he doesn’t do ANYTHING he’s supposed to do, he flips the fucking tables and Ed is actually a LITTLE BIT angry at him for betraying him one last time; for here, at the last second, for the very first time ever, Oswald won’t defend his own life. Oswald says kill me, there’s something I care about more. And... Ed’s entitled to feel angry about that I think because MOTHER OF FUCK Oswald, couldn’t you have done this EARLIER, you know, couldn’t this have been something that occurred to you in ANY OTHER scenario, and it’s also fair that it doesn’t, it’s fair that this only hits Oswald now. But it’s awful because now Ed knows, can never unknow and has to go, ‘FUCK. Okay, knowing this, how do I... how do I feel? How do I proceed? I am still SO FUCKING ANGRY WITH YOU, but you won’t... you won’t let me hate you and kill you and just be over with it. Now it’s complicated. THANKS.’ Because Ed DID, Ed planned this PERFECT, flawless, clean ending and if Oswald had JUST run true to form, if he’d just followed the fucking script this would all be over and Ed would have peace, he could bury Oswald and it would be done. Now it’s a mess. Fuck you Oswald. Also I love you and I’m MORE GLAD THAN I CAN POSSIBLY SAY THAT THIS HAPPENED AND WOW HOLY FUCK THE WRITING I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY DID THIS, but also fuck you. But I’m getting ahead of myself, more thoughts on Oswald’s revelation when we get to it.

But, KINDA apropos, because that is the SECOND time Oswald throws love at Ed and here he’s doing it the first time and I LOOOOOOOOOVE, I LOVE LOVE LOVE THAT ED FUCKING CUTS HIM OFF AND SLAMS HIM INTO THE FUCKING GROUND. I looooove that Oswald says ‘I love you’ and Ed fucking snaps because NO YOU DON'T, NO YOU DON’T GET TO FUCKING SAY THAT TO ME, SHUT THE FUCK UP. He GRABS him to silence him and LAYS HIM FUCKING OUT and GODDDDDD. BEAUTIFUL. YES. I do find it kinda hard to believe that Ed has digested enough to articulate all of this so well, but I’m SO GLAD THAT HE IS. I’m SO GLAD he’s self-actualizing and is in a solid enough place in his own mind that he CAN lay down the law, again, I AM SO FUCKING PROUD. I AM BEYOND HAPPY HE IS HERE NOW. So, fuck it, I’ll just believe that in the past week he’s had enough time to think that he knows exactly and explicitly what Oswald did wrong AND how he himself feels about it. I am so... he has identified what’s wrong and WILL NOT let Oswald talk him out of it YOU GO BABY! YOU GO MY SWEETHEART, MY DARLING! SO PROUD OF YOU! I am so PLEASED his self-esteem has come so far that he can defy Oswald, that he can look his idol in the eye and say NO YOU’RE WRONG, that Oswald says the wrong thing Ed cuts him down to size, OH SWEET JUSTICE OF EQUALITY YES! FUCK YES! I BEEN DREAMING OF THIS!

I love this, I love everything, I love this, I love everything, I love Ed MOCKING his own tender gestures toward Oswald, twisting his old role, by taking his tie and THROTTLING HIM WITH IT. UGH. GET THAT PETTY VENGEANCE SWEET BABY! DO IT! MAKE HIM SUFFER!

Okay but LIKE FUCK Wayne Manor doesn’t have its own private generator. Just saying.

Okay, so this entire episode is all Nygmobblepot to me, but I’m actually also REALLY FUCKING HAPPY AND IMPRESSED with the Jerome-Bruce dynamic we’re building, that was also REALLY FUCKING GREAT AND SPOT ON. WAY better than last time. It’s just, Nygmobblepot is taking up 1 - 50 of my priorities, but Batjokes is coming in at a CLOSE 51 today because they did SO WELL and I’m really fucking pleased. I just gave my heart away to this other thing first xp

I adore the overture of their relationship here, I... the dynamics have gotten a LOT better. I love the home invasion so Bruce is on his home turf and is able to tackle Jerome on some equality. David is older now, he’s got my personality, more control. Jerome died and came back, so he’s a little closer to Joker madness. Bruce playing to his ego and showmanship is a MASTER stroke and I was so proud. And it’s SO GOOD that we’re getting this now, good and early, so that we develop that rivalry and fascination and adoration and obsession. Because you need ALL of that to harness a fulfilling and worthwhile Batman-Joker dynamic and we’re getting the seeds here I AM SO HAPPY. Because Batman and Joker must ALWAYS be equal and opposite, one of them cannot have advantage over the other for any length of time and when we started Jerome was at an advantage because Bruce was not old enough or equipped enough to handle him. We’ve done a lot of growing with Bruce since then, he’s in a more capable place now, so we have a much more even-footed relationship and I am thrilled. Again, THIS EPISODE WAS FANTASTIC, I LOVED ALL OF IT, NOT A PIECE OF IT WILL BE CRITICIZED BY ME.

In the words of TeamFourStar, “I know you’re playing me.. but you’re right.” Which is one of my FAVORITE CHARACTER MOMENTS IN ANY DICKBAG EVER

Okay, I love how PATENTLY OBVIOUS it was that Ed sent in this guy to free Oswald, because LIKE FUCK Ed’s not there keeping watch. I could believe he doesn’t want to watch Oswald die, especially something as grisly as this, but he’s still THERE. This guy didn’t just wander in. Yeah no, no. And the next bit with Tabitha and Butch confirms it, Oswald was ALWAYS meant to go free from this. Love it, love your plan Ed buddy, I love that this is ALL a massive trust exercise, holy god. AMAZE.

We have a lot of near deaths in this, seems to be a pattern

At least Jim can hit a cue, bless you Jim

Also, where is this carnival that IT has power for all the rides? Just saying... just saying.

The mirroring of Jerome meeting Bruce at HIS home, then taking Bruce to the circus, his own home... ahhh, just how any good first date should go XPPPP

Also, I really dig Bruce’s make up, we put a good design on him

Awww, I missed Butch, I love Butch, I missed him so much. *siiiigh* He makes too much sense for the bunch of hooligans he has to run with.

Also, TABBY. YOU NEED TO STOP BRINGING UP HOW YOU KILLED OSWALD’S MOM. I know you only do this when you think you have total control of him but that is a FOOLISH MISTAKE. He does remember, he will remember every time you do this, and you. will. die. THIS SEASON, I FUCKING BET.

I love that Jerome ALREADY wants to be understood by Bruce and that Bruce picks up on it fast enough to keep him talking, LOVE LOVE LOVE! SO CRITICAL TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP! UGH! SUCH GOOD CHARACTERIZATION!

BATMAN THEMEEEEE NANANANANANANA! Oh, sorry, wrong one ^^;

Also, dat ain’t how piranhas work. Stop piranha hate : ||||

Oooooh, DAT STAPLING THO. I LOVE that Jerome NEEDS him to react, oh god that was BEAUTIFUL! That was fucking FANTASTIC! I have CHILLS! God. Yes. Sew them seeds of obsession, START that courtship, HELLS yes!

Here comes Team Good Guys to save the day!

And another suspiciously near death here with Bruce ^^;

Annnnd BACK TO THE ACTION! I love that Ed and Oswald now have neck burns in the same place. I LOVE the tired, defeated voice Robin’s doing.

I do have one question though, why... why does Babs do this? She could just kill him, LEGIT. Why is she suddenly invested in the mental health of Ed Nygma? Why does she care if Ed gets closure? I mean... that’s the only reason to go through with this charade here at the end, the ONLY person this is helping is Ed and... we all suddenly have good and nurturing feelings toward ED??? What the fuck? I mean, I don’t understand why Babs has let him do ANYTHING. THIS WHOLE TIME. But just... I don’t know, does she feel some kind of kinship with Ed? If so, how?

And Oswald does... nothing that he’s supposed to. And what’s kinda crazy is Ed DID need an answer to the question, he did need to know, once and for all, no lies, no tricks, is there ANYTHING Oswald cares about more than himself? And Ed... wanted the answer to be no. Ed wanted that, again, so he could bury him, so he could kill his love for Oswald and bury it and be at peace. I mean, miserable, and lonely, but he could kill Oswald knowing it was the right thing to do. And Oswald... doesn’t let him have that, and it’s not like it’s Oswald’s fault, FOR ONE, the ONE TIME Oswald is expressing sincere emotion and he didn’t actually fuck something up, at least not intentionally. But, nonetheless, this prevents Ed from getting the closure he desperately wanted. And Ed says EXACTLY what I expected him to say, I was so pleased, word for word, I said it with him, “I... don’t know what it means.” AND YES. CORRECT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FEEL OR WHAT TO DO AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU.

And remember how I said earlier the writers were FUCKING PHENOMENAL here? Okay, so this episode was ALL geared up, all ready, for ED to have a fucking revelation. But instead we don’t, instead OSWALD has a revelation and I DID NOT KNOW HOW BADLY I FUCKING WANTED THAT. OH MY GOD. THIS IS FUCKING FANTASTIC. Not only was it TOTALLY defying of expectations, in the BEST way possible, it was SEARINGLY IN CHARACTER, and I just started making tea kettle noises, I just screamed at a range beyond human hearing when I saw Oswald start to go because OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD! I DIDN’T THINK WE WOULD GET THIS BUT WE GOT THIS AND I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY! THIS IS GENIUS! THIS WAS INCREDIBLE that they built up an episode that was clearly all going to be about Ed, and in the crux of it, we make Oswald break, not Ed, THAT’S BEAUTIFUL. FUCK ME THAT WAS BRILLIANT. I LOVE EVERYTHING.

The mutual horror and distress on EVERYONE’S FACES as Oswald TOTALLY FUCKING THROWS THE SCRIPT OUT THE WINDOW AND DECIDES HE WANTS TO LOVE. I love that everyone is MUTUALLY sorry that this happened, that this is a thing happening in front of them, ESPECIALLY Ed, who is the MOST sorry of all that this is happening.

Goooooddddddd SO GOOD. SO FUCKING GOOD. WOO! Okay, gotta focus on the good Bruce and Jerome fun X3

I love love love that Jerome ALREADY wants to partner with Bruce, I love that their chemistry is WAY more on par now, I love... just... everything. Fuck yes. YES. MUTUAL MADNESS. MUTUAL, OPPOSITE MADNESS. LOVE YOU TWO!

THE FIRST TIME BRUCE LOSES CONTROL AND IT’S JEROME YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! GOD THAT’S MORE IMPORTANT THAN LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY, I mean, this will mark Bruce and stay with him FOREVER. EXCELLENT PRELUDE TO THE REST OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP, THE FORESHADOWING THAT JEROME WILL ALWAYS BE THE PERSON WHO GETS UNDER YOUR SKIN, WHO MAKES YOU LOSE IT! FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES! SO HAPPY! SO FUCKING PLEASED! JEROME YOU FUCKING ENABLER I LOVE YOU BABY! YOU DOING YOUR GODDAMN JOB! BLESS! I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU BOTH!

Bruce is not okay, Bruce had an Experience back there, and he needs a hug. Jim, in the background, looking sad because he gets no hugs. GO HUG YOUR FUCKING HUSBAND YOU IDIOT. YOU HAVE A HUSBAND. GODDAMNIT JIM.

Jim punching off Jerome’s face. More things I didn’t know I needed. A Jim Gordon reaction shot to THAT. All is right with the world.

JIM. HOLY FUCK, BE WITH YOUR HUSBAND, DO NOT GO DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE. OH MY GOD WE ONLY JUST GOT YOU OUT OF THAT AND HARVEYYYYY, Harvey is here for you! Harvey loves you! And Harvey would LIKE IT IF YOU LOVED HIM BACK TO PIECE OF TRASH. UGH. Goddamnit Jim, BE WITH THE PERSON WHO TAKES CARE OF YOU, MOTHER OF FUCK.

Ah yes, Justice, and the Line conversations, some of the key staples in BATMANNNNNN! BECAUSE YOU GONNA BE BATMANNNNN. BATMANNNNN. BATMANNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Court of Owls, blah blah blah, could not care less.

...OH. And Here We Are. Was literally my reaction to seeing Oswald shivering on the edge of the docks with a gun pointed at him. Again. Just... here we are. We are here. Of course we’re here. In fact ED PROBABLY KNOWS, Ed probably knows INTIMATELY and this is some kind of weird Freudian recreation of THAT, except that Ed Nygma is not Jim Gordon. And Ed has PERSONAL reasons alone for killing you. But once again, it’s your fault, yours and yours alone. Because you betrayed someone. So good job Oswald, you ran staggeringly true to form. Even your one break, of course,  of course you CAN love and of course you’d stake your life on it and of course it would be the one time NO ONE wants you to. This is horrifically, painfully, in character.

I have sooooo many feelings about the speckles of water on his glasses and the camera angle with the ridge of his glasses so that when Ed says “I don’t love you” his eyes are so deep in shadow we can’t tell if this is true or not. His vision is, literally, so distorted, HE doesn’t even know if it’s true or not. And I have always FUCKING LOVED those glasses and NOW I KNOW WHY.

Oh my god, Oswald reaches for him and Ed slaps his hands away! Oh wow ^^; Missed that the first time. I mean yes, correct, but ouch. Mannn... this is... this is bad time, this is painful time right here.

Mannn Oswald CONTINUES TO SAY THE WRONG THINGS. “You need me and I need you” A CO-DEPENDENT ARGUMENT IS NOT ONE YOU WANT TO BE MAKING RIGHT NOW OSWALD. WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING BAD AT THIS. ALSO WHY ON FUCKING EARTH WOULD YOU CLAIM THAT??? *siiiiiigh*

See, see Ed is FULLY WITHIN HIS RIGHTS for telling you to SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU KILLED SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO ED AND REGARDLESS OF ANY OTHER FUCKING THING THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE TRUE, YOU, MOTHERFUCKER, GET TO BE HELD A-FUCKING-CCOUNTABLE. You keep changing the subject, you keep denying Ed his feelings, you keep shunting responsibility, JUST. STOP. FOR FUCK’S SAKE. That you love each other is NOT MATERIAL RIGHT NOW.

“You can’t talk your way out of this Oswald!” Ed has to TELL HIM THAT. AND ED KNOWS HIM SO WELL THAT HE CAN, that he KNOWS and. I just... I... And once again Ed is UPSET, he is in PAIN that he has to FUCKING KILL YOU, but you’ve left him with no other options because you’re not sorry and you can’t make amends and it’s KILLING HIM that he has to do this but he must!

And I think it’s actually the case of Ed needs to kill Oswald, but he doesn’t need Oswald to die. Because I think that’s ultimately what happens here, Ed needs to perform the act, at least emotionally, of killing Oswald, at least symbolically, at least killing the lie of their relationship thus far, because he needs that fucking closure. But he doesn’t actually need Oswald to die and disappear, he needs Oswald to... change, he needs their relationship to change and he needs it to restart. Which, fortunately, is exactly what he’s going to get, bless. This is all catharsis for Ed, this is all rebirth or, to use a Hannibal metaphor, a becoming. Ed is becoming here. More on that later.

And UGGGGHHHHH, Oswald makes the creation argument and I’M SO MAD AT HIM FOR DOING THAT TOO. UGH! YOU KEEP SAYING BULLSHIT, YOU KEEP SAYING THE WRONG THINGS, GODDAMNIT OSWALD! And I just... no, no, you can’t... though you do have PROFOUND influence on him, don’t you DARE take away Ed’s self-creation, don’t you DARE rob him of himself, he worked FUCKING HARD to get this far and NO I don’t fucking buy that this IS your doing. Give Ed is fucking due you piece of shit.

“And I am the only one in the world who truly sees you as you are, who you can still become.” ...but then you had to go and say that. And that, is, unfortunately, to my ever-lasting regret, true. You phrased it LIKE A  TOTAL SELFISH DICK, but unfortunately, you’re still fucking right. DAMN it Oswald. damn it.

Oh baby... oh sweetheart, my heart broke when Ed said he was listening because Ed could take every lie and threat, he was prepared for that, and GOD BLESS HIM HE WORKED SO FUCKING HARD. But Oswald had to go and say something TRUE and that’s... that’s not fair. And, I will say this, it is true that Ed loves him. But Oswald shouldn’t have said that. He NEVER should have said it, he has no proof, and Ed is SO VERY FUCKING FAR from admitting it because FUCK YOU OSWALD. ACTUALLY, LITERALLY FUCK YOU, YOU DON’T FUCKING DESERVE THAT TODAY. And the thing is Ed isn’t repressing no more, he’s in control, so he can do WHATEVER THE FUCK HE LIKES AND YOU CAN’T TOUCH HIM. Which is why none of this shit works, Ed knows who he is, he knows how he feels, he’s on such GOOD FUCKING FORM today, I AM SO PROUD. And I know that Oswald isn’t thinking about saving his neck, he’s... trying to claw into Ed, he’s trying to... reestablish a relationship that Ed doesn’t want established, Ed NEEDS the closure and Oswald’s denying him. So it’s a fucking mess and it’s not fair. And, to Ed’s huge credit, he does his best to fucking cope and to manage the fact that Oswald loves him and he can’t unknow it anymore. Ed does a really nice, clean job everything considered and I love him and I’m so proud.

And Ed does come back to it, he does go “I’m sorry but... this isn’t about that. You hurt me, you did this to me, and I deserve to make things equal now.” I wouldn’t have blamed him if he couldn’t have gone through with it, really glad he does though and he shoots Oswald somewhere PAINFUL not NON-FATAL. A gut wound. The wound of the betrayed. WE WILL COME BACK TO THAT INTIMATELY WHEN I TALK ABOUT MIZUMONO.

And when Ed grabs him by the tie and pulls him in... I DEFINITELY thought kiss and... I’m not 100% that Ed WASN’T also thinking kiss. Like... the look on his face? That he leans in for a half second? I'm not POSITIVE it didn’t in fact cross his mind. And that’s just the chocolate sprinkles on top of the cherry on top of the whipped cream on top of the glorious sundae that this this episode. Fucking flawless. I loved everything. Everything is beautiful. WOW. YES.

And we know for a fact Oswald will be fine, don’t worry friends. This was all about the symbolic death and the emotional retribution and the closure Ed THINKS he’ll get out of this. But here’s the thing, and I’ll be curious to see what they do with this next episode... Ed doesn’t shoot him fatally and I want to know if that was a conscious choice or not. I HOPE it’s not, I HOPE Ed internalizes that he killed Oswald and that IT FUCKING BREAKS HIM. I hope it’s the regret and loneliness and PAIN that fucking causes him to split and his evil half dominates him and goes full Riddler. I FUCKING HOPE that all of this is because he killed Oswald I WOULD DIE HAPPY. Because THINK about it, think about HOW FUCKING INCREDIBLE THAT WOULD BE WHEN OSWALD COMES BACK. THINK ABOUT HOW IT WOULD FUCK ED UP SEEING HIM AGAIN, WHEN HE DID ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HE’S IN THE THROES OF SELF-LOATHING AND THE REASON WHY HE’S ALL FUCKED UP IS STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM? HOLY FUCK YES! GOD GIVE IT TO ME!

I mean, it’s fine if they play it differently, but I just think that’d be FUCKING EXQUISITE if Ed internalizes that Oswald’s dead and it’s his fault.

But basically, as usual, this isn’t REALLY closure because now Ed cant let it go. Now he’ll carry Oswald inside him forever because he killed him. And that’s fucking beautiful. And fucking great. And Ed’s gonna suffer and hate himself forever and I LOVE IT. Or at least until Oswald resurfaces again which I hope wont’ be for AWHILE. I want him gone and away and I want to have NO IDEA where he is or what he’s doing, I want it to blow my mind when he shows up again, because I want to sit here and suffer with Ed and grin at his misery over this 8DDD I AM READY, I AM SO READY, I WAS BORN READY.

Basically this episode watered my crops and cured my acne, I love it so much, this was fucking fantastic, 10/10, A+, FUCKING INGENIOUS, CANNOT WAIT FOR THE NEXT BIT!