#i see lots of people surprised by lena but i don't think i've ever seen anyone acknowledge what plaisance says

[57sfinest]

something i’ve been thinking about is the intersection of racism & fascism with conspiracy theories/pseudoscience and the supernatural in disco elysium. it’s a well-documented phenomenon irl and i think the game is very good at easing you into the “levels” of how these things are inherently related.

on the surface you have the racist lorry driver, who literally has “racist” in his epithet and is the most out-and-proud racist-fascist you could possibly meet, and measurehead, another open racist and fascist whose nickname is given to him by his belief in phrenology. here we see these people as pretty much cartoonishly racist and very vocal about *why* they believe these things: it all comes down to pseudoscience. these are people who have been convinced that racism is just a fact, justified by science that others are just too “soft” to recognize. we all know about measurehead and his phrenology and such but the RLD also espouses pseudoscience to justify his racism:

and, in addition to this “supporting” his racist beliefs, on top of this he believes in conspiracy theories like an immigrant *Invasion* and an anti-Occidental (anti-white) “cultural victory”, which sounds suspiciously like real-life “white eradication” conspiracy theories:

okay, this is some obviously deeply racist and fascist shit. but it’s not just this. measurehead goes beyond this and believes in other conspiracy theories unrelated to race supremacy, like his thing with semen retention, which is also a real-life conspiracy thing:

i’ll tie this all up at the end, so let’s move on to the next layer. gary is explicitly identified as a cryptofascist by his epithet. a cryptofascist, for those unfamiliar, is someone whose beliefs and ideals align with fascism but who doesn’t openly identify as such because they’re aware of the social unacceptability of it. if you play the fascist route, you’ll have to play as a cryptofascist in order to maintain positive relationships with NPCs and not take constant morale damage from saying fascist things. gary also says blatantly racist things, and here’s where it gets a little deeper than RLD and measurehead: the very basics of what he says are factually true-- that seol exports microtechnology, for example, which ties them to a lot of global governments-- but these actual facts have been spun by fear and *conspiracy theory* into a load of racist bullshit:

and you can actually see in that half light line at the bottom how the fear leverages belief in this stuff! you can argue against gary this whole time and still, an appeal to *fear* can start to slip in through the cracks. gary opens with facts and logic, devolves into fear and conspiracy spinning, and we get another layer of how racist rhetoric and belief spreads. then, to add another layer to the fear angle, you have plaisance. it’s not fear of immigrants with her, though. she’s afraid of this curse-- the supernatural-- that she thinks will be responsible for ending her business, and in her fear she turned to racist caricature and stereotypes:

it’s not the same as the direct “you’re seolite, fuck you” that RLD directs at kim or the “non-occidentals are inferior” he and measurehead parrot or “immigrants are trying to take over the world” that they and gary all buy into. it’s a far more insidious thing: this is something she takes as fact, so deeply that she doesn’t even *question* it. these nonwhite people are special mystical people with magic and that’s just how it is! while it’s not quite conspiracy theory, it’s supernatural, which functions the same as conspiracy when you talk about how racism is rooted in some fundamental disconnect from reality. and this brings us to our final subject, lena. lena comes in from the same angle, a belief in the supernatural (cryptozoology) that ultimately results in racism. (the juxtaposition of cryptozoology/cryptofascism with morell and gary was not an accident!) she seems like a regular sweet old lady who likes cryptids, until you’re randomly slapped across the face with this:

she believes that seolites are a different *species*, and that’s just a fact to her. you point out the racism and she just doubles down-- no, she’s not trying to be offensive, it can be a good thing actually! that’s just nature, just like the cryptids she loves! it’s just fact! and we see this echoed by plaisance and even gary, where they’ll say something deeply racist and follow it up with “but [x group] is very intelligent/crafty/etc as well!” as though saying this somehow cancels out the racism (when in actuality, these “good traits” are part of what they use to fearmonger about these “other” groups they’re so afraid of).

in general this group of characters serves really well to demonstrate how people who are out of touch with reality in other ways (conspiracy, magic, the supernatural, and some extreme forms of spiritualism) are frequently deeply racist as well, and some of them aren’t even aware or doing it intentionally. it really just comes with the territory, and some people choose to lean into it while others aren’t even aware of it, which is why the process of recognition and unlearning is so important when considering the latter population.

[agoobersretreat]

Top ten preds go

"Ooooorgh, fuuuuuuuuck. Ten whole peeps? Well, I'm gonna do it my way then! In no particular order and what I like best about them as a character and how I think it would go down!" So confident, suddenly! Well, until she reconsiders to realize how in-depth with this topic she's about to go.

"Also, uhhhh, gonna put it under a readmore cuz...some of this shit is gonna be super indulgent and niche of this niche even. You have been warned!"

Rai Yamanashi @pudgy-planets

"Ooooh, Rai! What a sweet lady. She's been really sweet on me ever since we met, when she accidentally sat on top of me while resting on top of a park bench! She's gotta have, like, the widest hips or ass I've ever seen. Like, if she sits down on me, you don't see me anymore!"

"Mmmm, let's see though? I really how she wants to make her own name and merits, even with her family having a reach all over the world! The life of a scion is an interesting and socially complex journey in general, more so when you actually do your best not to use your connections or heritage for gaining an upper hand on purpose!"

"Mmmmph, how she'd most likely go about eating me...? Well, there's always the usual way, but I've also been worried that one day I might catch her in a situation that she might sit on me and I am gone. Just completely engulfed and sent on my way in, full-size and full send. I mean, I'm sure she's worried about that too....right?"

2. Lizzie Bellbottoms @yourgfisaclown

"Her blog is pretty literal, ehehehehe. My gf is a clown, yeah! Well, one of them, at least~? I'm glad she is, actually, as it keeps everything so interesting! Her level of clowning is so impressive and very surprising! I wouldn't have it any other way~."

"She loves fun and I love fun, so it's a match made in heaven! Or maybe in the fairgrounds? I've been meaning to ask her how a clown family tree looks or is like. Also, yes, she's a real clown. Do with that information what you will, but I swear. It's different than you'd think!"

"Hmmm, well, if I can think it? She can probably do it one way or another? Aside my own size shenanigans, she can do her own and change her body any way she likes! Like, wow! She once gave me an internal obstacle course to go through. I don't mean like, just her innards in general, I mean an actual full course with different levels of difficulty to get through! Mmm, wonder what else she could do, if we both were up to it...~?"

3. Monika [REDACTED] @brownhairedbookworm

"Oh, right! Monika! She's a really cool person I met while DoorDashing! She was my last order of the day and I was so lost and turned around that she let me stay over for a bit to recuperate. And we've been close friends ever since~."

"Monika's got, like, these all-powerful...uhhh, powers! She can see the universe or something like that? I don't fully understand, but I can see the changes she has made where a lot of others can't! Isn't that so interesting? I mean, sure I can't prove it either? But her all-seeing eyes can see that I'm cute...and that means a lot to me, since I have trouble believing it myself."

"Well, Monika already really likes to gobble me up when I'm smol? I guess the only different ways are how she likes to do it? Her go-to is acting like a big scary monster or some kind of goddess? I mean, she kind of is, so eh. Sometimes she plays the role and sometimes the role plays her~."

4. Lena Xènia Gimenez Medina-Yamamoto @pudgy-planets

"So, this is Rai's grandmother and the current matriarch of the family. Everything the businesses and connections all do go through her. Sometimes very, very literally. She goes through so many staff members when they can't keep up with her demands..."

"However, as scary as that may make her sound, she's actually really understanding and wants people to do their best and be at their fullest potential! You just gotta make it through her trials, like I did! Also, like I said, she is Rai's grandmother. She vastly out-everything's her granddaughter. Height, width, power and anything else you can think of!"

"Uhhhhh, this one...? Errrr, I worry much of the same I do with Rai, mostly. Definitely something that carried down through this family tree. Something they have for blondes, ehehehe~? Full size wherever she'd wanna take me, mostly."

5. Freia Margaret Hielo @someheartlesslady

"Wow, my first friend on Tumblr and bestest friend since then too! It's Freia! Whoa...I realize it's been so many years. I'm still so thankful we bumped into each other all that time ago~."

"She's a fun-loving lady who's got a strong case of being undead, but she's also still the life of the party! She loves wholly and as much as she physically and emotionally can. She's also a wonderful singer~."

"Well, this one is kind of an unfair one with how easy and often this happens? She can gobble me up smol or, once in a blue moon and with preparation, full-sized! It's really sort of the big one for her, she likes using her mouth for that kind of fun! Also, I could never ask her any of the others, I'd feel so ashamed of myself...did I also mention that I was a cheesestick the first time she ate me?"

6. Samus Aran @ladarhatorilichozo

"The greatest bounty hunter this side of the galaxy and then some. And I got to meet her a few times! And then...I think I absolutely fumbled the ball the last time, admitting my preferences when it came to being eaten by strange monsters....and I may have also let it slip I thought the same of her. I feel like such an idiot..."

"I mean, what do you have to say about Samus and her escapades? And besides, I think she's a way more interesting person to chat with when it's not about those. Like what burgers she likes and some of her favorite creatures she's come across in her travels."

"Uhhh, pretty much just...yeah...I'd let her eat me or want her to, but that's clearly a ship I sailed too soon. Definitely wasn't looked at like a monster by her, but definitely could tell it was no mutual feeling. At least it wasn't disgust, just more...like 'People think like that? Interesting?' Yeah. She also didn't know I could get smol, so that too probably."

7. Sana Sunomiya @pudgy-planets

"Ooh, Sana! She's a pretty fun lady, too! Very blunt and wears her mind on her sleeve. She's sort of no-nonsense, but that's not exactly true either? It's more...she believes the best in people and those people usually just...don't understand? She's quite intimidating to those who don't know her well, but she's got a good heart and protects those who can't protect themselves well."

"If anything, I love that she sees me for myself and not something I shouldn't or couldn't be? She can really figure out people well, even if someone outside-looking-in wouldn't see it right away. Also, she's extremely well-endowed. In multiple senses, even."

"Mmmm, probably would just gobble me right up after making absolutely sure that's what I want. Maybe even to protect me from others, too? And she'd still respect me even if I was tucked away in her tummy at my full-size. Mmmmhmhmhm~."

8. Aerith Gainsborough @squishysquenix

"Oh, hey! It's the fun-loving flower lady. I mean, I wonder when the last time I saw her with flowers was, but that doesn't really matter for this here? She's Aerith Gainsborough and she's really mischievous for a flowergirl. You wouldn't know that until you get into some antics with her or so!"

"Well, what else can I say? She's a girl who loves to have fun and party hearty! If anything, it's surprising how much fun is packed into one small lady with a huge butt!"

"Uhhh, let's see...? I imagine it would be some sort of shenanigans. Probably very much on purpose, too. Might either play the role of a scary monster or pretend not to notice me while smol, maybe? Or also knowing her, might just feed me to someone else too...?"

9. Bethany Allicia Fox @bethanytheescort

"Oh, it's time for Beth! Mmm, she's so awesome! She's one of the other good friends I've made on here and have stayed in touch with for a few years now~. She's an awesome lady and runs an awesome business and takes care of those who show as much compassion for the world as she does!"

"Mmmm, let's see? I love how she loves so much! Like, she has so much to give to others and takes in love in kindness in turn as much as anyone, if not more! There's also her rockin' bod! But, umm, very respectfully! Of course, ya know? I mean, she even managed to get me to love myself a bit more too. That's a very good thing about her~."

"If it were to happen, it would be with consent and safe words and making sure everything is comfortable for the both of us and we take it at a pace we're both okay with! Of course, I'd be smol for both of us to have a very personal experience together. I'd also probably ask some time if I could then visit her 'private room', but that's...yeah. I don't wanna do anything she wouldn't agree to either, ya know?"

10. Super Pochaco @bigcurvesbigheart

"Oh, Pochaco...one of the shortest ladies on this list, I believe? She's also a really cool gravure modeling lady...and that is unfortunately how I picked her out of a crowd when I bumped into her by complete accident. That was so embarrassing, but she didn't seem to mind...or acknowledge it, really. We became quick friends after some lunch and chatting. We still text pretty regularly...when I remember to, at least."

"So, Super Pochaco (The model) is so cool and shows her body off proudly and really shines with whatever photoshoot she's working for. Pochaco (the lady) is a sweet little lady who loves her pork buns and making friends. She also has a bunch of other odd jobs that really cool, but I can't seem to remember them at the moment?"

"Oh, if that ever happened? Absolutely a complete accident when I'm smol...which she still doesn't know I can do that! It'll probably be her accidentally grabbing me instead of her food or if i fell in and she scarfed it all down and didn't realize. That's the only way, I imagine."

Honorable Mentions:

Edea Lee @squishysquenix

"Mmmm, Miss Edea Lee. Only met her once on a day where I kept getting lost in towns and worlds everywhere I turned. She was kind enough to take me in for the short time I was in her land and she helped send me on my with a nice rest and some good food! I should go back there, sometime. I remember leaving on good terms, at least?"

"She's an awesome lady, juggling so much on her plate at once. She leads her people, has lots of friends in high and low places and absolutely knows how to decimate a dining hall. She's, like, the whole package~! She's really got a good sense of humor, too."

"Mmmm, given the short time I was there? Probably if I took any of her food from her plate instead of my own? Like...I saw how she was glaring daggers and probably at least considering it as an option? Maybe even while I was full-sized, too? Or maybe I was thinking silly again? I do know any food going past her chambers got her immediate attention during our talks."

Yuri (DDLC) @plumpnpurple

"Woof, Yuri. She's so pretty and smart and I love when we sit and cuddle and read books together. We both read kind of fast, so it's really nice that we both found someone who can keep up with each other! Also, she's recently started forging and that sounds so cool? I'd love to see her at work like that~."

"Yuri is very quiet and soft and very understanding of special needs when I'm around, like needing it a little quiet and a little cuddly while we read together. We gel really well together, honestly. Mmmm, I should text her about meeting up again, sometime."

"Mmmm, I can only imagine it would happen when I'm smol. I mean, that sounds easier for both parties involved, right? Not sure what else she might do with a teeny me if she felt that way about me...hmmm~?"

------

"And that should about do it. Hrrrmph, hope that answers some questions...you might have...hrrrmgle~." The goober is getting a little fidgety now.

"Gotta go hide myself now while I have the time to before they see this or make comments about it...or wosre, afjshdjkfjs...." And off she slinks to her impenetrable fortress (her bed) to hide away from prying eyes. Might just wait this one out, especially once some of them catch wind of this post.

[buddha-in-disguise]

This is how it's done

Episode 5.15 at last.

While the emphasis has been on Nia's story in this episode, the synopsis made it clear Alex, Kelly and J'onn had a secondary storyline running as well. So again we were eager to watch knowing they were finally getting more than a token few minutes together.

Did it deliver?

Oh hell yes.

You just have to look on Twitter to see the praise being heaped on it by fans.

But first let's get the elephant in the room out of the way. William.

The opening sequence as Kara is fighting with Nia, and Nia has to be the one reminding Kara she has a date? Already covered by me and others, but to reiterate: that does not give a vibe of someone excited to be going on a first date. You can't even use the excuse of her mind was on the fight, because so was Nia's.

As to Kara at her apartment with Alex prior to the date?

Those words, "Cancel it for me."

Lets say (for arguments sake) it is nerves again speaking. Maybe it is, but that she is even having those thoughts? That she completely forgot about the 1st date, and needed reminding? If Kara can't get invested in the date, how are the audience expected to become invested?

As for the date itself. Kara arrives.... having been told by Alex to wear the blue top because .... well reasons .... and she is wearing the purple? So, not wanting to go with the best look then?

I didn't mind the date per se, although I did wonder if Kara was simply trying to not show pool skills, because I can't believe for a second, with Alex as a sister, and the control Kara now has on her powers (worry over lack of control would be the only other reason for her hesitation that I can think of), Kara hasn't been pulled into playing many times.

Did I get a date vibe? No. I felt more bonding yes (like why has it taken until now to even vaguely have that much), but date? Nope. Still not feeling it. If any of the above was a one off instance, you could shrug it off. But all of them? Sorry but as I say, if Kara isn't that invested in a first date, then we can't be expected to be as invested. However, that isn't to say that William annoyed me. In truth having him more on the sidelines was a relief as it finally allowed others to get some much needed screen time.

The Nia storyline.

This is obviously one extremely close to me, as my husband is transgender, and we have other family who are also transgender.

Nicole's input was definitely felt. Some of the lines she spoke were ones we have said ourselves almost word for word.

This is a topic that is one I've been extremely vocal about, and one in particular I have spoken about (in the William and Kara at CatCo scene) is the figures for transgender people killed in the last year alone in the USA, but more importantly that this number is likely not a true representation as many who die are misgendered after death.

It was so important to show just how bad for the transgender community it is. And no, it wouldn't necessarily be a fact Kara would know. Even those in the LGBTQ community aren't always aware of these figures. As for William being the one stating the figures back to Kara, again in the context I had no qualms about it. In fact having a CIS straight man write the piece and be a supportive ally is an important message in it's own right. I was worried that wouldn't come across, but I felt it did.

If ever there was a line that spoke volumes in this weeks Supergirl episode it was this:

"They want us to be invisible because of their own fears, they want to erase us so...... we need to shine even brighter." - Nia Nal

And shine Nicole Maines (and Roxy Wood, because the additional line about being a Black transgender woman - take my heart, stomp over it, then expect me to function), did. Both deserve so much praise on the way they delivered their performances.

I genuinely cried at some of this weeks episode, because the experiences have been ones we have faced as a transgender household. Being white does afford us a privilege that Black transgender people (especially the women) don't have. But as I say, it has been something I've been vocal about for a long time.

Lastly Kara and Nia on the balcony. Holy mother of god (or goddess), tears. Again. Nicole and Melissa once again were so good it felt like a punch to the gut. Kara wiping that tear off Nia's cheek. Big ugly sobbing from me. Gah! Just ....

Now Alex and Kelly. While I'm still craving a nice intimate atmosphere at home with them, having had so little of Dansen (and Kelly) it was a relief that for once Kelly wasn't given diminished screentime. Not only that, she was instrumental in helping Alex navigate through the VR world.

Alex having that PTSD flashback to being in the tank. Whoa, finally acknowledging it affected her and obviously still does. I loved how Kelly is so good at helping Alex maintain her equilibrium. You could tell it wasn't just because of her training or profession, but as a girlfriend who knows and understands how to communicate to Alex in that moment of stress, much like Alex was able to realise Malefic was manifesting as Kelly in the earlier part of the season, simply because she knew her girlfriend well enough.

Watching Alex train to get used to the Martian weapon, felt very reminiscent of S1 where Alex was training Kara early on. It was good to see her off balance for once in her training, as she has always shown a confidence in her ability until now. For those who complain she brought up wanting to be back at the DEO, as someone who has heavy military presence in our family (for at least 4 generations on my maternal side), I can safely say, going from military (and remember the DEO is recognised and spoken about in canon as being a military operation), and suddenly and unexpectedly thrown back into civilian life is one heck of an adjustment. It's an adjustment for most even when they know it's coming. To be so abrupt, so unexpected? Alex is going to want that structure back, and have that support around her. It is absolutely not unrealistic for her to feel this way or to talk about it. I would've been more surprised if she hadn't.

"And this is my gun."

Alex giving no crap. The whole rescue sequence was a joy to watch.

If I had a complaint, as I mentioned, I would've loved just a moment of real quiet intimacy between Kelly and Alex. We've barely seen anything of that sort. I hope we get something next episode (which also looks amazing from the trailer).

I could go through the episode and pick up so many times on how good it was. It was so much, I know I will have forgotten something I wanted to say. But I'm exhausted (almost no sleep will do that to you, damn being in the UK and these stupid o'clock viewing times), and it was so much to unpack.

Brainy, was barely in the episode but damn, so lovely (& heartbreaking) to see him give the information to the NCPD to help against transphobic attacks.

Onto a side plot, but finally we have more about Leviathan.

Leviathan have those bodies suspended.

What if William dies in 5.19 and becomes one of those suspended bodies for 5.20 or was supposed to, as Nicole mentioned on her Instagram story they still had scenes to film, and a couple were pretty amazing? With Staz back, would it have involved him, possibly as a sleeper agent? I've touted this idea before. While I would prefer that a MOC isn't cast into being a bad guy again, or killed off, I would more than happily see him simply go back to London and The Times. But I guess we wait to see what happens there.

But if, like Russell in 5a, he becomes an unwitting agent of Leviathan & a bad guy, cue fight scene, possibly in a VR setting? Maybe? Who knows.

Last but by no means least - they killed off Jeremiah. Since we're not entirely sure if Cadmus operated in the same way on Earth Prime as they did on Earth 38, we don't yet know the circumstances behind his death.

Will we get more explanation about it? Honestly I'm not overly bothered unless it helps serve a current storyline. Merely because episode numbers are running out, and it does at least bring us closure on his character one way or another. Something a lot of us have questioned for so long now.

As for complaints, the only ones expressing any real disappointment have been fans who have either regularly attacked other fans (especially those of in the SC or Dansen fandoms), or the outright transphobic users (I won't call them fans), who as the episode makes clear, are everywhere. The transphobes come out in force everytime with Nicole, so it isn't a surprise to see them again. As Nia says, it what transgender people face on a daily basis.

Plus with no Lena in the episode, it helps show that fans didn't need a Lena/Kara centric episode for this to garner such positive reactions, particularly from the LGBTQ fans. In some ways, as many have been saying (yes even SC fans), this Lena drama has long since gone by its sell by date and not having Lena once more stuck in her laboratory wasn't missed. And god, I say this as a huge Lena fan. I still want her on screen of course, but we need progression on what is happening with her. Both Lex and Lena have felt stale of late, and while I know it changes as we get into the last few episodes, I can truly say neither was missed this time. And before anyone jumps in, no this isn't bashing SC (I still ship both Dansen and SC, as well as Brainia), or saying SC shouldn't happen, or Lena is evil, or not needed. I don't think that at all. I merely am getting tired of a merry-go-round on Lena in her laboratory that we've had of late, & the only interaction has been with Lex. Time to break her out of that cell!

I don’t know what they were putting in the water in Vancouver when they did the Batwoman and Supergirl episodes this week, but they both had me simultaneously laughing & crying! It looked ugly for a minute there.

Both were outstanding episodes.

As much as I've had my criticism over some of this season, when Supergirl get it right like they did here, they soar! This was one of my top episodes for the entire series.

And despite all the news in the world right now, Supergirl trended on Twitter again.

Gif courtesy of @ Daily_danvers on Twitter.

[helloalycia]

cheater [three] | kara danvers

summary: Kara catches on to the way you're distancing yourself from her and tries to get to the bottom of it.

warning/s: none (I think?).

author's note: This is the final part to the mini imagine so I hope you like it! I'll be posting a lena one tomorrow :)

part one | part two | masterlist | wattpad

A few weeks had passed since Anna had spoken to me, and in those few weeks, I had become more aware of how I was treating those I cared about. Specifically, Kara.

I still hung out with her and spoke to her, obviously, but I was cautious as to how much of myself I was giving out. I didn't want to appear reliant, clingy or annoying towards her. She didn't deserve that and I didn't want to risk her leaving me because of it. We still went out for lunch and hung out at each other's flats, but it was less frequent than usual. Anytime I thought I was inputting my opinion into her life, I drew back. If we were hanging out, I cut it a little shorter. I didn't want her to feel trapped.

I thought it was going well, really well actually. I thought I was doing it right, having her as a friend without suffocating her with my apparent power to over-care. But then she confronted me about it and I knew I'd screwed up.

I was photocopying something when she approached me, cornering me in against the photocopier.

"Hey," I greeted her, smiling politely before realising she wasn't smiling back. "What's up?"

"I'm hoping you can tell me," she said, crossing her arms.

"I don't understand."

She sighed, her blue eyes staring back at me with confusion. "Did I do something wrong? Have I upset you somehow? Are you angry at me?"

I immediately shook my head, stepping forward to place a hand on her crossed arms. "Kara, no, of course not! What's made you think that?"

She breathed out through her nose, uncrossing her arms. "You've been very withdrawn recently. I feel like I may have offended you somehow."

I pursed my lips, feeling my face go warm. "You haven't... I don't understand. Things are good between us. We hang out. We talk."

"Barely," she added. "You seem off with me. Distant."

I tried to laugh it off. "Kara, I don't get it. I'm fine!"

Her blue eyes darkened as she searched my expression curiously. "No, you aren't... I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong."

I gave her a knowing, albeit, nervous look. "Kara."

She shook her head, jaw locked with certainty. I tried to walk away, but she blocked my exit by stepping in front of me. I tried to side step her, but she simply followed, cornering me in with the photocopier.

"Kara, this is stupid and you know it," I complained, no longer joking now.

"What's stupid is how you've been acting lately," she said, just as seriously. "What is going on with you?"

I upheld her stare, determined not melt under her gaze and give in. I tried again to get out of that corner, but she was too quick and way stronger than me, so she stopped me every time. I sighed, feeling my stomach twist uncomfortably.

"It's not a big deal," I said quietly, avoiding her eyes.

"What isn't?"

I chewed the inside of my cheek nervously, before realising I had no other choice but to tell her the truth. I couldn't lie to Kara – she'd see right through me.

"Anna spoke to me a few weeks ago," I said, in a nonchalant way, hoping Kara would realise it wasn't an issue. "She told me she loved me still and wanted to get back together."

Kara's expression faltered as she widened her eyes with surprise. "What?"

"It was dumb on her part," I explained, feeling a sudden urge to let Kara know I wasn't interested. "I've moved on."

Kara pursed her lips with concentration as I continued.

"I reminded her that she cheated on me and she basically told me why," I said, giving a small smile to hopefully refute the pain that was returning in my heart. "I am apparently too loving to those I care about."

"What?"

I breathed out slowly, losing my smile. "She said I was too good. Too perfect. Too caring. I was too suffocating and so I pushed her away. It's dumb because I know I shouldn't care what she says, but it stuck with me."

Kara had an unreadable expression and I began to feel guilty.

"Look, Kara, I'm really sorry," I said, meeting her eyes. "I never wanted to make you feel like you were doing something wrong. I just, I thought that if I backed off a little... you know, gave you some space. Cared a little less. That you might stay around. I didn't... I didn't want to risk pushing you away like I did with Anna. I'm... I'm really sorry..."

I waited for a response, verbally or even a hint of an expression, but she simply stared at me with frozen eyes. I genuinely thought I'd screwed up, that she was fed up of my shit and was ready to call it a day with our friendship. Instead, she said nothing and stormed off angrily.

"Kara!" I called after her, before following her down the hall.

She was quick, as she manoeuvred around everybody, eyes searching the offices for somebody, I didn't know who. I kept calling her, trying to catch up to her but bumping into several colleagues instead. What was she up to?

"You!"

I saw as she found who she was looking for – Anna – and widened my eyes, realising what would happen.

"You are the most selfish, egotistical, manipulative woman I have ever met!" she yelled, storming towards Anna and getting in her face. "How dare you make Y/N question her relationships, our friendship!"

"What the hell are you talking about, Danvers?" Anna growled, pushing Kara back.

Kara seemed furious as I finally reached them. People were beginning to take notice of the two angry women and I managed to step between them before things escalated further.

"Woaaaaah, Kara, calm down," I said, blocking her vision of Anna and instead trying to get her to look at me. "Kara."

"You didn't deserve her." Kara glared daggers to Anna just before I managed to drag her away.

Reluctantly, Kara followed as I led her to a deserted conference room – anywhere to get away from Anna and what I was sure would soon be a fist fight if I hadn't stepped in.

"Kara, what the they hell?!" I shouted after closing the door.

Kara's jaw was clenched with anger as she shook her head. "I never liked her! She's always thought she was the best! That she could have anything she wanted!"

"Kara!"

"She hurt you!" she yelled, finally meeting my eyes. "It's her fault, all of this!"

My mouth closed as I breathed out through my nose, trying to find some way to argue her point, but she was right.

"She cheated because she's a horrible person, not because you care too much," she said with certainty. "One of the best things about you, Y/N, is that you care as much as you do. You make people feel seen and you make them feel good. And that isn't a bad thing at all!"

I felt embarrassed as she spoke, mostly because when she said it, it seemed right. Like I couldn't question it at all and that everything I thought about myself was false. Kara always sounded so certain that one couldn't help but want to believe her.

"She is hurting you even when you let her go," she said, swallowing hard. "She never deserved you, Y/N. And I hate that she's made you doubt yourself."

I didn't think Kara cared this much, yet she seemed so invested and it made me feel good, to know I had someone who actually cared.

"She never deserved you," she stated, her eyes glassy. "I'm sorry for shouting and getting angry, but she never did."

"Kara..."

Seeing her this upset made me feel guilty, and also hurt. I didn't think it would have this much of an effect on her.

"You're a great person, Y/N, one of the best I know. And you deserve someone who can see that. Someone like..." She paused, locking her jaw as she glanced at the ceiling before meeting my eyes. "Someone like me."

It took me a moment to realise what she'd said, and when I made sense of it, I was taken aback.

"Someone... someone like you?"

"Yes," she said, blue eyes softening as each second passed.

I felt my heart beating quickly the longer she stared, and it only intensified when she stepped closer to me, enough for me to feel the warmth of her skin.

Her eyes darted to my lips very obviously and I found myself drawn to hers, wanting to feel them against mine. She raised her hand, pressing it to my cheek, causing me to look her in the eyes again.

"How long?" I got out, feeling stupid for not realising sooner.

She licked her lips. "A long time."

I didn't know what to say, how to respond to that. It made sense though, now that I thought about it. Especially with how protective she'd been over me when it came to Anna. I thought it was her being a good friend, but it was a lot more than that.

Her other hand rested on my waist, sending shivers up my spine, before she moved closer and pressed her lips against mine. I closed my eyes and let her, resting a hand on her chest and returning the kiss.

I didn't realise how much I'd wanted to kiss her until now when it was actually happening. She was gentle yet passionate and I knew that she'd been bottling this up for awhile now, since she was kissing me like she was afraid it would be the first and last.

We pulled away soon enough, to my dismay, and I found myself staring into her pools of blue, attempting to puzzle together the confusion that was my brain.

"I think...," she spoke gently, her breath tickling my lips because of how close we still were. "I think that you deserve better than her. That you deserve me. And I'm here. If you want me."

I was still catching my breath as she looked between my eyes, calm and collected. I didn't know what to say – everything was happening quickly, too quick for me to keep up.

"And if you don't, which it seems you don't," she continued, stepping back and smiling awkwardly, "I can be your friend. Though that might be a little strange now."

I watched as she backed up awkwardly, nearing the door.

"Kara, that's not it," I spoke, earning her attention. "I don't– I don't know what to say. This happened quite fast and... I'm still trying to acknowledge the fact that you, well, you like me."

"I didn't mean to confuse you," she said, pressing her lips together as she nodded. She opened the door and glanced at me. "I'll go. Sorry if this messed things up. I just couldn't hold it in any longer and you deserved to know the truth."

I watched as she smiled once more before leaving. I tried to think of something to say to stop her, but I was still tongue-tied. And then she was gone.

***

I knocked on Kara's door and waited impatiently for her to answer. I could barely keep still, all of my thoughts wanting to burst out of my head. I had so much to say to her and I was never good with my words, but I didn't have time to write this down – I had to let her know how I felt.

She finally answered the door and seemed confused, but she smiled nonetheless.

"Hey, Y/N..."

"I should have come sooner, but my mind has only just decided to co-operate with my heart, so I'm here now," I explained, knowing it didn't quite make sense when I said it aloud.

She nodded slowly, still staring at me with furrowed eyebrows. She stood to the side, signalling for me to come in and I did, glad to not be stood in the same spot.

When she closed the door, I spun around and breathed out.

"You want a drink?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, no, I just need to tell you this," I said, cutting straight to the point. "You've helped me through a lot, and it probably would have taken a lot longer for me to be okay after everything that happened with Anna if it wasn't for you."

Kara nodded, looking like she wanted to speak, but thankfully, she let me continue.

"I care about you a lot, Kara. I do. I don't want to lose you, not now that I know what it's like to have you in my life. I thought that the way I cared about you was platonic. But then you told me everything you did and you kissed me and it was... it was perfect." I breathed out slowly. "I don't want to lose that."

"Why do you keep saying that?" Kara finally spoke up, shaking her head. "Why do you think I'm going to leave?"

I chewed on my lower lip as I glanced at my shoes. "As I said yesterday, I tend to care too much and evidently, that makes people want to leave. Or in my case, cheat."

"And as I said yesterday, that's completely false," she said, grabbing my hand and squeezing it gently. "I would never do that to you."

"I'm not saying you will," I said, shaking my head. "I just, I don't want you to think that... god this doesn't make sense..." I groaned to myself. "I know what I want to say, but it makes no sense."

"Tell me what you're scared of," she said sternly, eyes glued to mine with a look of determination. "Tell me exactly what you're thinking, Y/N."

I avoided her eyes as I tensed my jaw nervously. "You're not like her... I know you're not." I rolled my eyes at how silly I sounded. "But I overthink. And I can't help but wonder if it'll happen again. We might get together and it might be great, but then I'll do something wrong and you'll get tired. And I don't think... I don't think I could take that. Especially if it meant losing you."

"Y/N, are you going to look at me?"

I reluctantly raised my head to meet her eyes.

"Do you remember when we first met?" she asked, her blue eyes sparkling beautifully.

I wondered what relevance that had, but I nodded. "Yeah... you showed me around when I first got the reporter job. You were Miss Grant's assistant back then."

She smiled reminiscently. "Exactly. And do you remember when we first properly hung out?"

I nodded. "You asked if I wanted to get coffee together because we had the same break."

"Yep. And what about when we exchanged numbers?"

"Kara, I don't understand wha–"

"Just answer," she said, giving me a knowing look. "I have a point."

"Okay... you asked me to add your number when you said you couldn't find your phone and I rang it off mine. It was under your desk."

"And do you really think I misplaced my phone under my desk?" she asked, quirking an eyebrow.

I pulled a face. "Well... now that you say it aloud, it sounds kinda dumb."

"Uh-huh. Now, what about the first time we hung out outside of work?" she asked, smiling at me adorably now.

I was growing agitated, mostly confused at what her point was. Nonetheless, I answered. "We were tracking down some contacts for an article and finished pretty late. You asked me if I wanted Potstickers at a place you know."

"Okay, I know you wanna slap me for all these questions, so I'll cut to the point," she said with an amused smile. "One more question though. Do you know what all of those instances have in common?"

I sighed. "No idea, Kara."

She began to play with my fingers between her hands as she chuckled. "It was me who asked you everything. I initiated our friendship always. I always wanted to hang out. One may argue that I am the clingy one in our friendship."

She was smiling knowingly, but I was still confused.

"What?"

She laughed at my expression. "Your fear? Of being the overly-caring one? Of pushing me away because you're too involved? It's been proven wrong by the likes of me. It's impossible for me to leave because I'm the one who doesn't leave you alone. I'm the one who wants to be around you."

I realised what she was saying and didn't know how to respond. Once again, Kara Danvers had a way of sounding right and making me feel wrong. I had no choice but to believe her words.

"That time I asked you to go out with me for coffee? That was when I began to like you," she admitted. "And the time I asked you to get Potstickers, that was when I fell in love with you. Which, by the way, is another thing you should consider. I'm in love with you, Y/N. And I know you probably don't feel the same, but you should know. Because that means I loved you first, which means, once again, I'm being super clingy."

I felt my lips lifting into a suppressed smile as she watched me confidently, a comforting smile on her lips.

"I'm here, if you want me," she said seriously, though her eyes were gentle as they stared through mine. "I promise you won't lose me."

I breathed out, feeling my eyes go blurry a little. Her revelation had made me a lot more emotional than I thought, but it was good. My heart was swelling with adoration, the first in a long, long time.

"Well, firstly, fuck you for making me cry," I said, letting go of her hand to wipe the corners of my eyes. She laughed as I met her eyes again. "Secondly, you're the only person I've ever met to say things as sweet as those. Thank you."

"I meant every word," she promised.

I cracked a small smile. "Thirdly... you really fancied the shit out of me back when we first met, didn't you?"

She rolled her eyes playfully, but her cheeks were turning pink; it was my turn to laugh.

"What do you say to giving us a shot?" she said, staring at me, a hint of hope in her expression.

I nodded. "I want to make this work. I actually fancy the shit out of you, too, Kara."

Her smile widened into a grin, making her eyes squint up adorably.

"I think it's my turn to initiate something," I joked, before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to her lips.

I knew that I would always worry about my relationships, second-guess genuine actions and hesitate over little things – it was inevitable after what Anna did to me – but one thing I was certain of was Kara. It would work out, despite my fears. She reassured me always.

I trusted her.  

[queercapwriting]

Hiya I sent you an ask about a fic about Kara dealing with body issues (I know you're swamped so please don't worry about answering it soon!) b/c I have a lot of issues with my own body and it's just getting really bad. I feel like there's this voice in my head every time I walk by a mirror that's just really fucking mean and I feel crazy. But I've been working harder at the gym for the last year and I'm hoping that'll make it stop. It just sucks b/c I can't go too often now with school and all.

Alex used to tease her about it – I hope you get fat, she joked as she passed her the last potsticker– and it didn’t feel bad when Alex did it. In fact, it was pretty funny,because it’s Alex.

It still feels funny when the woman at Noonan’s asks how sheeats so many sticky buns and still looks like she does, because she answersthat she’s an alien, and the woman thinks it’s a joke.

So it’s funny.

But it’s also not funny.

It’s also not funny because her muscles aren’t what hercousin’s are.

It’s also not funny because Mon-El just assumes he’ll bestronger than her because he’s a man, because he’s bigger than her, and sheknows he never will be, but sometimes she’s not sure.

It’s also not funny because Alex is solidly human, and Jamesis solidly human, and they can survive – they do survive – without any powers.Without any powers except their training and their wits and their very small,very human, very not-Kryptonian, strength.

They can do what Kara does, but they distinctly cannot flyand they distinctly cannot bench press an airplane.

And she doesn’t hate it. But she hates it.

Because if they’re that strong, and she has powers, but theycan survive the same kind of work she does, how weak must she be? How muchweakness, how much mediocrity – and Alex wasn’t the only one raised by parentswho expected perfection – lives in her skin?

Skin that lasted when everyone else died.

A face that forces a smile when she doesn’t feel it at all.

Hands that all the social media feeds make jokes about whatthey can do, but really, she just wants to be able to touch someone full force,outside of the green room, without worrying about breaking them?

Because they might be better than her, tougher, moreinnately strong, more innately special, but she can still break them,completely by accident.

Because her body is not in her control. But it is. But itisn’t. But it is.

But it isn’t.

Mirrors remind her.

Remind her that she must really be nothing special, mustreally look like nothing special – must really be on just this side of uglyenough to ignore, to not even register, to be completely indifferent to –because they’re all fooled by glasses, because Leslie Willis wasn’t wrong abouther awkwardness, her inability to know what to do with her hands, with herface, with her whole damn body.

Her whole damn body that can lift busses and deflectbullets, but that she can’t bring herself to love.

Leslie Willis – Livewire – saw right through her uniform,straight into her damn body.

And everyone else probably does, too.

So she changes in a rush, always.

She changes with Barry Allen-type speed. Always. Even whenthere’s no emergency.

No point dwelling on what no one’s ever going to noticeanyway, unless the uniform catches their eye. No point dwelling on what no one’sever going to want anyway, unless for the power trip of bedding a Super.

Except, no one sees her with her glasses, so that wouldnever even be a thing.

She doesn’t think about Maggie.

Doesn’t think about how her sister’s girlfriend saw her.

She doesn’t think about how Cat saw her.

How James saw her (sure, he already knew. But still.Still.).

How sometimes, she sees flickers in Lena’s eyes that makeher think she sees her, too.

She doesn’t think about these people, these people who seeher, who would tell her without hesitation that she is worth seeing – that herbody is worth seeing, worth lingering on, worth living in. Worth loving.

She hates how scattered her thoughts are. How contradictory.

How nonsensical.

How raging.

How real.

Alex notices first, that it’s getting worse lately. Kara’shatred of her own body, of its contradictions, of its dual invisibility andhypervisibility, how everyone wants it and yet nobody notices it. How everyonewants her and yet nobody notices her.

Alex notices.

The way Kara skips quickly over the photos that include herwhen they’re scrolling through which pictures from game night to throw up onInstagram.

The way she jumps and squirms when Eliza is visiting andtells her how beautiful she looks.

The way she avoids mirrors like a vampire desperate to notbe discovered.

“So you’ve seen it, too?” Maggie whispers to her one gamenight as she watches Alex squinting closely at the way Kara’s hand keepsrunning over her abs, like she’s trying to reassure herself of something, likeshe’s trying to wish herself into something, out of something.

Because apparently, Maggie notices, too.

Alex just nods, because she doesn’t bother being surprisedwith what close attention, with what close concern, Maggie watches over herlittle sister. She’ll reward her for it later. For now, she’s just scared.

Because Kara’s been particularly unsteady lately, and Kara istraining harder than ever at the DEO, and she’s eating less potstickers thannormal, and it’s a horrendous and scary combination.

By unspoken agreement, Alex and Maggie linger after gamenight. They linger after Winn and James give their hugs and leave together,still laughing about who would have won Jenga if a certain someone hadn’t fakeda sneeze.

“Hey Kara, I just… I wanted to let you know that you’regorgeous,” Maggie says casually as she washes dishes, and Kara nearly drops aplate.

“Hey, you’re dating my sister, I mean – “ She tries laughingit off, but the hue of her face and the strickennss of her eyes and the way she’sadjusting her glasses furiously give her away.

Alex smiles. “She is, and I’m standing right here, and youknow what? I love that she loves you like she does. That she sees you. All ofyou, Kara. And she thinks what she sees is beautiful. Because it is. You are.”

Alex is talking casually, too, drying dishes and puttingthem away in the shelves Maggie can’t reach.

Alex might not have superhearing, but she hears her sistergulp, and she might not have mind-reading abilities, but she can all but hearthe voices in Kara’s head telling her that her sister and her girlfriend arelying, they’re being nice because they feel bad for her, they’re exaggeratingbecause they love her – for some reason she can’t possibly fathom – and moreimportantly, if she’s not feeling good about herself, she’ll be less effectiveas Supergirl, and…

Kara doesn’t know she’s started sniffling and crying untilAlex’s arms are wrapped around her, until Maggie’s turned off the sink and is standingagainst the counter with her arms folded across her own chest, hugging herselfas Alex hugs Kara, as Alex holds the body that feels worthless to Kara up fromfalling, up from figuring out how best to destroy itself, up from figuring outhow best to dismantle itself in disguise as trying to make it better.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Alex is soothing her, and Kara tries topush her away, because she doesn’t deserve to be soothed, she didn’t mean tobreak, she didn’t mean to tell anyone, she didn’t mean to, but her body’sbetrayed her again with its tears and its quaking, but Alex knows, and Alex hasplanted her feet, and Kara doesn’t put any real heart behind the push anyway,because Alex is kissing her forehead like she loves her and supporting herweight like it’s nothing and rubbing her back like it’s beautiful and whisperingto her like she’ll never lose faith in her, even if Kara loses faith inherself.

“You’re perfect, Kara,” Maggie is whispering, then, becauseAlex is using all her energy holding her little sister up. “It’s okay if youcan’t feel it now. Your sister and I will feel it enough, believe it enough,for you, until you can figure out a way to believe it yourself. Okay?”

She’s helpless in Alex’s arms and under the thrall of Maggie’ssoft words, and she nods as she sniffles and sobs and sobs and sobs.

When she’s stopped shaking quite so much – when she feelslike there’s no water left inside her, when she’s wept her way through herthoughts, through her deepest fears, through her stickiest shames, through hertoughest contradictions – she just clings to Alex life the lifeline that sheis.

She lets Alex carry her to bed and tuck her in like she usedto when they were kids and she’d had another nightmare.

“Stay?” she grabs Alex’s hand after she kisses her foreheadand starts to stand.

“Of course,” she says without hesitation, and Maggie leansin to kiss Alex’s cheek.

“See you in the morning, ba – ” she starts, but Kara cutsin.

“You too, Maggie?”

Maggie grins down at her girlfriend’s little sister andnods. “Anything you need, Little Danvers. Anything you need.”