#i say like i dont have control over this self sabotaging mess

[spidersins]

apparently it's 'angel realises his feelings' night god damn

[a-wild-things-rambles]

hey can i hear your thoughts on john? :)

agghhhhhhhhh. thank you!

where do i start. his story is one i know a hundred variations of, abusive fathers, absent or neglectful mothers, siblings who got out, runing away from home into the big city, finding a [fuked up]family in the punk and alternative communitys, and trying to live.

i should say that i am very biased and unrelabal about him. while i have read hellblazer im due a reread and its always overshadowed by teh real people i knows experiences? idk in my head hes just another person id meet at the pub when i visit my dads old city. a guy you her about through the grapevine doing stupid shit and getting into trouble.

another warning of how not to live a life in a long parade. the fuked up sudo- uncle who's to old to change his ways and stop his bad habits.

which is a long way to say i have a personal stake in his story. im not john but i am gemma, im the second generation, growing up to see all the cracks in the so called freedom the previous generation fled to.

guilt. so much of it. the dead and the living. those you left behind. drowning in guilt, the only solution drowning yourself in apathy. then drowning un guilt all over again in atonement. self harm and self sabotage are his bywords. hurt someone cause thats all you can do then hate yourself for it.

john absolutely plays the 'my life is shittyer' game. and he hates being proven wrong. he has to be one of the worst off. because if there are people who have it worse then hes just a crybaby isnt he? lifes tough, get over it. man up. dont cry, you have it good compared to some people.

he hates it. like a lot of city white punks, he has a complicated relationship when it comes to people who suffer more than him. he will fight for them but he wont be nice about it. he gets petty about it

hes got the basics down: but its the basics, the surface level shit. he probably has more racist and sexist preconceptions than he'd like to admit. hes flawed. whats theory or any of that? he learns politics through music, and its not exactly well balanced. hes a white queer punk in the 80s. hes still better than alot of them.

it sums up to: he aint unlearned the shit. he knows its bad, but he hasnt fully unlearned it. [again. white punk in england in the 80s.]

violence. this man is good at picking fights with a look. eventually people learn to steer clear, but theres always enough wankers who are up for a fight.

his father beat him, and so have many others, so if he wins a fight, it makes him feel 'more like a man' or as he'd say it, tough. remember what i said about knowing shits bad but not unlearning it. yea. if he loses: he gets the punishment he feels he deserves, and the fodder for his self hatred about being weak.

double standards a-plenty. a cycle of ego and beatings and guilt and self sabotage.

hes bitter and hes stubborn and hes nasty.

alcoholic to [not that he'd say], and a smoker. grew out of drugs but messed around with them plenty in the past. now he dont like feeling out of control in that way.

he'll still get wasted though [not an alcoholic mind. probrably only phycologicaly addicted]

old dog who cant learn knew tricks. brittle metal, its bent some, but it cant anymore or it will shatter.

hes better than his father. but hes not good

hes self-aware enough to not want kids, not delusional enough to think hes managed to unlearn the shit his father gave him. better that his bloodline dies with him. better that he doesn't get the chance to fuck up.

end it, or sabotage it before he can be shown to be who he is. fuck up everything good because you might as well have control over when it falls apart. cause it will anyway. you hurt whoever you touch.

your cursed john.

a cursed bloodline. whats another way of saying generational trauma?

he hates his stister for leaving, he hates himself for keeping her there, he hates himself for hating her for leaving.

cause everyone leaves him, dont they?

hates gemma for her curiosity. hates her for her interest in his fuked up life. hates her for not hating him[yet]. hates himself hor hating how much better her home is than his was.

hates is sisters husband. hates that his sister wont leave him[hates that hes glad. if she started kicking out of her life the people bad for her. well hed be fuked]

hate. guilt. hate. self sabotage.

hes a messed up guy :)

[justalokifanaccount]

Episode 6-Play by Play Reactions (Spoilers)

I’m so nervous and excited. Disclaimer: I have spoiled a few minor things for myself for this episode because I’m a self sabotaging dummy who does this whenever I get anxious about a form of media I am watching.

I’m so friggin nervous ahhhhhhhhh

Please tom Hiddleston, don’t do me dirty

Screw you renslayer

Istg if anyone betrays anyone I’m going to riot

Man I miss Classic!Loki already

Isn’t this the music that played when Steve?

OH MY GOSH IM GOING TO CRY WITH ALL OF THE AUDIO REFERENCES

Lol the peter quill lines are perfect because I legit just watched GotG

Nelson Mandela?

Vision???

Lmao Sylvie saying “open your eyes!” Gave me legend of Zelda breath of the wild flashbacks

My heart is rattling against my rib cage with excitement and anxiety

Spoopy castle

Aha another scene or at least location from the trailers!

Oof they’re both anxious too

Pretty gold veins

You were pruned before he even existed? What? No you weren’t? You were kidnapped but not pruned. You were only just pruned lmao.

If kang isn’t the baddy I’m gonna look like such an idiot

AGHH!

Good God that stopped my heart.

He who remains?

KANG?

I don’t trust you Miss Minutes

Man I wanna kill Thanos

Miss minutes I don’t trust you, TEMPTRESS!

If he could make it work, then why couldn’t he allow the timeline to break free normally then huh?

“We write our own destiny now.” Bite me Miss Minutes

Ren Slayer I hope you get chucked into space

How self aware is miss minutes exactly?

I’m actually surprised that Renslayer doesn’t know who it is

Miss minutes is so creepy what the freak

The music is so damn good

“Are we sure he’s even still alive?” Judging by the opening of the door, I’m assuming that yes.

Uhhh hi?

Is this kang?

Or Ryuk lmao

I’m hoping he’s more serious than this jokey seemingly unserious dude. I need some angst.

Is this Kang?

Cmon

So much for easy to kill I guess

Where’s doctor strange when you need him?

I bet classic!loki could kill him easily…

I miss alligator Loki and kid Loki…

Doctor strange sanctum vibes

Hey heart, can you stop beating in my chest? You’re gonna kill me

HAHAHAHAHA YESSSS MOBIUS

Kill her please. I won’t be sad. Do it.

You’re not sorry. Shut up.

HAHAHAHA YEA BOIIIIIII

Ohio? Oh gosh is this a school?

RENSLAYER???

Hahaha she’s just a principal

HAHAHA BREAK THEIR MINDS

Don’t you dare insult my Loki. Love you Sylvie, but she’s nothing compared to Loki in my mind and never will be.

This music is gonna give me a heart attack

Help

Oh so this has happened before?

Wannabe God…

My BPM has got to be like 100

Paved the road? Soooo are you a Loki or???

Who are you? Please be kang or else I’m gonna friggin have to eat a rock like I promised.

This dude is literally a Fan Fiction writer oml

Sylvie? Please trust Loki. Don’t betray him.

Yea yea Renslayer I know that it’s crazy your whole life is a lie but you’re an idiot.

You’re a variant too you dumb dumb.

Yea you betrayed him. You betrayed the timeline.

Where the hell are you going?

PRUNE HER

DO IT

OH COME ON

PRUNE HER FOR CRIPES SAKE

Ughhhhhhh cmon Mobius…

In search of free will? What? Then WHY NOT TAKE MOBIUS WITH YOU

Dang that was disappointing Mobius got knocked down that easily…

Oh my gosh Tom Hiddleston’s voice is rumbling in my headphones good God

Kang?

Kang?

KANG THE CONQUEROR?

PLEASE

GIVE ME AFFIRMATION

Oof even he has variants

Dude loves Apples more than Ryuk

But he also sat on the chair like L

Is he like a celestial? Related to one?

Hush you wannabe Saint

Alioth?

Okay but HOW did you harness its power. What’s your technology then? You can’t just say that and not explain how.

Is he drunk?

Okay L

He’s like L, Light Yagami, and Ryuk all in one.

Your variants? Then who are you?

GAMBIT LIKE FROM THE X MEN UNIVERSE? I’m kidding… sigh…

Okay mandalorian

My heart is still beating fast why

If I don’t make another appearance again, know I died of a heart attack

Why would he give up control huh?

Is he a Loki?

“I’m older.” Dude you look like you’re 30 tops. What’s your secret? How are you immortal if you’re only man? Or are you not a midgardian?

Both sitting with swords.

Multiversal war heh? DOCTOR STRANGEEEEE THEYRE AT IT AGAIN

He’s kinda calling her out a lil lmao

Both of them

HEART CAN YOU CALM DOWN?? I TOOK MY PILLS! WHY YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A PANIC ATTACK.

Hello? Something happening you didn’t expect?

Threshold?

Of what?

This dude is a good actor. He’s playing the demented, crazed, power man well.

What’s the third option? There can’t only be two.

My heart is friggin dumb. Can you not??? I’m legitimately annoyed by how hard and fast it’s beating.

What’s that in your hand buddy?

Bud?

What, is it an honesty detector or something?

You can really tell this guy is tired of life and everything

Aaaaand they’re fighting

Girls girls, you’re both pretty. Can I go home now?

Oh no…

Sylvie, no, stop it.

SYLVIE!!! Trust Loki!

Cmon there has to be a third option

Sylvie DAMMIT

TRUST HIM

Protagonists fight before the climax cliche *ding!*

GET OUT OF MY HEAD CINEMASINS

Dammit now she knows magic too

HE DOESN’T WANT THE THRONE YOU DUMB DUMB

“I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want a throne. I just want… I just want you to be okay.”

OH?

OH?

HELLO?

It’s the onceler fandom all over again

Kiss and betrayal

COME ON MAN

Loki can’t catch a break. He just gets betrayed again and again.

How did she know how to use that.

Oop. Rip.

“See you soon.”

Sylvie, you messed up.

Now what?

Poor doctor strange. Dudes gonna have his hands full lmao.

Tom Hiddleston BETTER be in Dr. Strange Multiverse of Madness

My chest is actually moving from how hard my heart is beating what the heck

Poor Loki

All he knows is pain and hurt. And whenever he thinks he’s getting love, love, like a dagger, hurts him.

CMON TOM DONT MAKE ME CRY WITH YOUR STELLAR ACTING

How is this going to end????

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

Mobius???

WHY DID MOBIUS FORGET HIM

NEW STATUE? IS IT TOO LATE?

WHAT

THATS THE END????

WHAT?

BUT

BUT

BUT

WHAT???

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

HOW

WHY

WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN CREDITS??????????

Funky music but…

WHAT

WHAT IS HAPPENING

WHY DID MOBIUS FORGET LOKI

WHY DID THE TIME KEEPERS STATUE GET REPLACED?

END CREDIT SCENE?

SEASON 2 CONFIRMED OKAY SO

AGHHHHHHHHHH!

I—WHAT?

BUT

BUT

WHEN IS SEASON 2???

HOW LONG WILL I HAVE TO WAIT?

WAS THAT KANG OR DO I HAVE TO EAT A ROCK?

WILL SEASON TWO FOLLOW DIRECTLY AFTER SEASON ONE OR IS THIS LEADING UP TO THE DR STRANGE MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS AND WILL SEASON TWO FOLLOW THAT?

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MY HEART

SYLVIE WHY

YOU TRAITOR

BUT AT LEAST IT WASN’T A BETRAYAL IN THE WAY I FEARED IT WOULD BE

BUT STILL

I AM LOOKING AT THE CREDITS IN THE OTHER LANGUAGES TO SEE IF THEY REFER TO HE WHO REMAINS AS KANG

I DON’T WANT TO EAT A ROCK

MY BRAIN IS MELTING

MY HEART IS… AGHHHHHHHHHHH

[ironcrwned-archive]

hi friends ! it’s me ur resident clown, bonnie, & i’m stoked to be in this rp with all of you ! i’m 20, located in the est, and i use she/her pronouns ! i’m currently procrastinating all my school work so ! there’s that. below the cut are my babies’ intros, so like this and i’ll hit u up for plotting ! i got out of hand and this is super long so if this is overwhelming, there’s a tl;dr at the bottom !

𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐔𝐂𝐈𝐍𝐆 : 𝒙𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒆𝒓 𝒆𝒖𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒆 𝒇𝒊𝒕𝒛𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒃𝒆𝒓𝒕 –– THE ARTIST

alex fitzalan. twenty-three. cismale. he/him. one sib. ––– hey , there’s XAVIER FITZHERBERT from AURADON walking past the castle. they’re the OLDEST child of RAPUNZEL AND EUGENE ‘FLYNN’ FITZHERBERT , isn’t that cool ? talk says they can be pretty - NAIVE , but don’t let that worry you – they can be + BENEVOLENT too. say , don’t you think they remind you of DANCING WITH YOUR FRIENDS UNTIL YOU CAN’T BREATHE, WARM HUGS FROM THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU, NOT WANTING TO GROW UP JUST YET & BOYISH SMILES, or is that just me ? 

𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒄𝒌 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒔 

the oldest child born to rapunzel & flynn, and it is obvious that he took after rapunzel with his temperament

a soft soul, his smiles always reach his eyes, dimples and cheekbones are his trademarks honestly

growing up, he was always outside, playing with his mother & father & sister ( though he is more of a momma’s boy tbh )

probably made ( and currently makes ) flower crowns for himself and friends

and his strong connection to rapunzel , it’s obvious young xavier got his artistic talent from her

he constantly has paint on his fingers and hands, a sketchbook in his bag with pastels and paints and oils from all over the place

most likely has drawn everyone he’s ever met in his sketchbook and then given it to them for their birthday and/or a holiday

his parents both loved him very very much growing up, and it’s obvious in how he acts. he never hesitated to come to them if there were problems or issues with anything in his life ( friends, relationships, schooling )

xavier is ~kind of~ a partier in the sense he is ALWAYS down to go out and have fun and dance with his friends , but he rarely ever gets out of control due to substances or anything

is currently having a Crisis about his sexuality because he’s really only ever been with females but now he’s just like ... seeing a cute guy and is like wait a min.. 

he hopes to become some type of royal painter or something one day because art is truly his passion 

𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 

okay so obviously, this boy is a big old softie 

he will ALWAYS drop everything he is doing to help someone out, it never matters with him

can be a little ( a lot ) on the awkward side & tries really really hard to not be but it really is just how he is and sometimes it’s endearing and sometimes it’s...like watching aladdin ( 2019 ) scene where aladdin meets jasmine the first time as prince ali .. it’s pretty bad

he is ESPECIALLY cringey when he is talking to someone attractive ( and they’re male/nb and he’s having a Crisis ) and they’re flirting with him...phew just kno that his ears ? are as red as merida’s hair

most likely will never know if someone’s taking advantage of him/using him

𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒚𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 

hi i just like making playlists for my characters so ppl know the Vibe™️

i. talk too much // coin – ii. supercut // lorde. – iii. boy’s dont cry // the cure. – iv. made of light // mikky ekko – v. chicago // sufjan stevens – vi. eyes shut // years & years

𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒑𝒍𝒐𝒕𝒔

u can check out his tag right here ! so if u see anything u fancy, just lmk !!

but also!! friends!! probably people that he grew up around a lot bc of who his parents were

mayb someone who is the opposite of him ( maybe a villain kid ) who he tries to like ... encourage idk , i just rly like unlikely friendships !

someone who watches out for him , esp because he’s always taking care of others and most likely forgets to take care of himself ( taken by: giselle desroches )

maybe some exes?? most likely females for rn bc he’s discovering his sexuality but these were probably like ... friendly break ups

literally anything i’m pretty easy going !

okay now onto my trash child

𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐔𝐂𝐈𝐍𝐆 : 𝒄𝒂𝒔𝒔𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒓𝒂 𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆 𝒆𝒗𝒂𝒏𝒔 –– THE SPITFIRE

olivia holt. twenty-two. cisfemale. she/her. two sibs. ––– hey , there’s CASSANDRA ‘CASSIE’ EVANS from THE ISLE walking past the castle. they’re the YOUNGEST child of CLAYTON , isn’t that cool ? talk says they can be pretty - MANIPULATIVE , but don’t let that worry you – they can be + RESOURCEFUL too. say , don’t you think they remind you of HAIR TIED INTO PONYTAILS WITH RIBBONS, KNOWING YOU CAN DO NO WRONG IN YOUR FATHER’S EYES, AN ARROGANT SMILE AFTER YOU GOT YOUR WAY, & THE FEELING OF BARE FEET IN THE SAND , or is that just me ?  

𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒄𝒌 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒔 

the youngest child of clayton ( the bad guy from tarzan )

and when i tell you she is SPOILED omg

growing up she knew she was cute , mostly because clayton was SURE to tell her that and spoil his little girl ( xavier is a momma’s boy & cassie is for sure daddy’s little girl yikes )

so from a young age, she had a little mischievous side to her. 

it started with lil pranks on her siblings and then her dad and most of them weren’t harmful , just annoying but eventually as she went to school at the isle...she became a monster

she knew she had the innocent face so her friends ( !! wanted plot btw ) would pull pranks on other students and even some teachers

and whenever the other students would try to tell the teachers, cassie would put on a little smile and flip the narrative so she looked good and the other person didn’t. i literally can’t stand her

now in auradon, u know she’s gonna be making sh*t hit the fan whenever she gets the chance

big big disaster Bi that flirts with everyone with NO shame

𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 

so obviously cassie is somewhat of a lil monster ( not somewhat, she is a big one )

can be pretty darn manipulative depending on the situation and whether or not she will benefit from it or not

but ! she does have some redeeming qualities ! 

she is super resourceful meaning that her mind is super quick to find the easiest and most time efficient solution to a problem 

and she’s a pretty good smooth talker in bad situations, she’s known to get her friends out of a lot of sticky situations before

very very flirty okay but hates commitment lol

is pretty adventurous as well, loves the outdoors and hiking and swimming especially

 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒚𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 

i. dead weight // pvris. – ii. bad memory // k. flay. – iii. simmer // hayley williams – iv. west coast // lana del rey – v. teach me how to pray // spelles. – vi. don’t hurt yourself // beyonce. 

𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒑𝒍𝒐𝒕𝒔

u can look in her tag right here ! same thing with xavier , if u see something u wanna do just let me know !!

girl squad !!! probably from the isle too and probably f*cked sh*t up over there and now? they’ll most likely do the same thing over in auradon 

probably has lotsssss of exes because she tends to self-sabotage and leave before things get serious. we love some angst in this household 

people that genuinely dislike her lmao 

people she probably flirts with on the daily basis lol 

𝚝𝚕 ; 𝚍𝚛 ( seriously i need to chill )

ik this was A LOT so i’m just gonna summarize them below lol

xavier fitzherbert : son of rapunzel & flynn, art heaux, discovering his sexuality, a whole awkward mess but just wants to help people!

cassandra ‘cassie’ evans : youngest daughter of clayton from tarzan, a little spitfire that manipulates mostly everyone, disaster bi afraid of commitment, and causes too much trouble all the time 

[chimcharstar]

Questions 1, 2, skip a few, 99 100! ANSWER THEM ALL!!!!!!

LETS DO THIS

99 gay-ish asks

how tall are you?5 SOMETHING

what is your body type?SLENDERMAN

what is your favorite part about your body?THE T

is your current hair color your natural hair color?YES

are you more outgoing or more shy?SHY

are you more femme or butch?ITS COMPLICATED, BUT, BUTCH

are you tol or smol?APPARENTLY IM TWINK. NOT SURE WHERE THAT IS ON THIS SCALE

wine mom or vodka aunt?NO

weird habit?I EAT BREAKFAST FOOD AT ANY HOUR

favorite meme?VIBE CHECK, IM SMUG ABOUT MY URL

do you sing in the shower?NO BUT I USED TO. JUST SHY ABOUT ROOMMATES. I DO IN MY CAR

ever used a bow and arrow?NO, BUT MY BROTHER DESIGNED AND BUILT ONE, GOT IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING A WEAPON

are/were you a theatre kid?IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE IM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EGO, YES

have you ever seen a broadway musical?NO

do you think musicals are cheesy?NO I THINK THEYRE JUST A MEDIUM OF ART

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?NO WEIRDLY

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?IDK THEM

last movie you watched?PROBABLY MEGEAMIND

behind the camera or in front of it?BEHIND. BUT BOTH IS GOOD

favorite tv show?AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

meaning behind your urlTHE ACTUAL REASON IS IT REMINDS ME I CAN TRUST MY INTUITION

reason you joined tumblrA CRUSH WROTE IN MY YEARBOOK I SHOULD GET IT. DONT WRITE THAT IN PEOPLES YEARBOOKS

who’s your closest tumblr friend?THE PERSON ASKING ME 99 QUESTIONS

what’s something most people love that you hate?TACOS AT WORK. THEYRE POPULAR OF COURSE. I MAY NOT KNOW MY TACOS, BUT PLAIN RAW CABBAGE ON THEM MAKES ME DOUBT

have you ever taken narcotics?NO

have you had sex?NO

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?I DONT GET CAUGHT!!!! IM SO SNEAKY… AND TRAUMATIZED. I ONLY GOT CAUGHT WHEN PEOPLE WERE LIKE, HUNTING ME. NOT FAIR. ALSO HOW DO YOU “GET CAUGHT” FOR DOING NORMAL THINGS LIKE READING AND HAVING CLOTHES

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?PROBABLY THE REASSURING CHRISTIAN VALUES THINGS I TOLD MY PARENTS TO GET MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST BECAUSE FOR SOMEONE INCONVENIENTLY TRUTHFUL, THAT WAS SOME PRETTY HARDCORE LYING IN A RIDICULOUS SITUATION, AND THE WORST BECAUSE WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAVE TO DO. IT WAS HORRIBLE BECAUSE I WAS SO CONVINCING BECAUSE I MIXED IT WITH THE TRUTH I COULD SINCERELY EXPRESS

describe your passion without mentioning it.HEY GUYS IM WRITING CHAPTER 1 AGAIN I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT THIS TIME

describe your best friend.WARM STRONG RESILIENT UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING KINDLY HONEST CREATIVE TALENTED BRAVE HARDWORKING BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL NURTURING SELF CONFIDENT

give us one thing about you that no one knows.NO ONE KNOWS THE GRITTY DETAILS OF SOME SAD MOMENTS IN MY PAST. DID YOU KNOW I HATE THE SMELL OF HOSPITAL FOOD FROM WHEN I VISITED A FAMILY MEMBER IN A PSYCH WARD

how do you feel right now?GOOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO BED THOUGH

what is your biggest fear?BREAKING SELF HARM STREAK

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?SING A SONG EARTH WIND AND FIRE

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?LEAVING MY PARENTS. ITS TAKEN ME AGES TO UNLEARN SO MUCH SELF-DEFEATING STUFF

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?MOSTLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BUT IM CHILL

something you fantasize about.ACTUALLY DANCING TO MUSIC I LIKE. I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DANCE BUT I WANT TO SFM

last time you cried and whyTHAT PREACHER GUY IN LUCIFER. IT SUCKED BUT IM SO BLOWN AWAY BY LUCIFERS ANGRY YELLING AT THE SKY. WHAT A GIANT MOOD

what was the last thing that made you laugh?MY SISTER ASKING ME WHAT DILF MEANT

do you really, truly miss someone right now?NO. IF I MISS SOMEONE, ITS A SIGN THEY WERE A BAG OF DICKS TO ME AND MESSED UP MY INNER CLARITY

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?YOU

the last time you felt broken?WHEN MY TWO FRIENDS AT THE TIME GANGED UP ON ME AND ABANDONED ME AT A NOT PRETTY TIME IN MY LIFE. I COULDNT EAT WHICH AND I STILL STRUGGLE WITH EATING, I NEVER USED TO

are you starting to realize anything?THAT IF I RELY ON MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, ILL EXPECT TO FAIL AND SABOTAGE MYSELF, AND INSTEAD I NEED TO TAKE RISKS AND PUT FAITH IN MY FUTURE.

are you more dominant or more submissive?THERES EVIDENCE FOR BOTH, BUT I THINK THE LATTER IS JUST FROM ABUSE AND GIRL RULES

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)WASH YOUR HANDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?AROUND MY AGE THERE IS SOME UNDERSTANDING

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.IM NOT IN LOVE I DONT EVEN HAVE A CRUSH. I MAY HAVE A SQUISH

do you have any kinks?MAYBE SO

first thing you notice in a person?HOW THEY HANDLE STRESS AND PROBLEMS, IF THEY BLAME/GET ANGRY, OR IF THEY ARE COMPASSIONATE AND PATIENT. LOOKING FOR RED FLAGS

how can someone win your heart?FOOD. CHEESECAKE WAS A POWER MOVE. BONDING… OVER FOOD. I HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES ATTACHED TO BEVERAGES.

been rejected by a crush?YES

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?YES

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?NO

is trust a big issue for you?YES

did you hang out with the person you like recently?NO

is confidence cute?YES, SELF LOVE LOOKS GOOD ON PEOPLE

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?GOOD FOR THEM. I DONT LIKE ANYONE RIGHT NOW

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?NO. GIGGLING LIKE A LUNATIC IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE AND YOU NEED TO KEEP UP

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?IF THEYRE FEELINGS, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IM TRANSPARENT

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?IVE HAD MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED FOR MY FTM TRANSITION

do you want to get marriedYEAH WHEN IM FIFTY THEN ILL GET A BUNCH OF DOGS AND CATS AND CHICKENS

worst thing you’ve ever done?APPARENTLY IVE BORROWED BOOKS AND NEVER RETURNED THEM

three things that turn you on.IM GOING THRU PUBERTY 2, TEENAGE BOY EDITION, IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH

who do you hate?I DONT LIKE SUCH SIMPLE CATEGORIES, BUT I START TO FEEL HATRED WITH REPEATED CRUELTY/WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO HEAR ME

favorite term of endearment?MY FRIEND

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?I DIDNT REALLY HAVE TVS/POP CULTURE GROWING UP LIKE MOST PEOPLE, PROBABLY FOUND IT IN CREATIVE WRITING

intimidating girls or kind girls?KIND

what do you look for in a possible partner?EQUALITY

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?YES

are you good at flirting?PERHAPS. WHEN IM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT

who was the first person you came out to?I DONT ACTUALLY REMEMBER. A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND. IT WAS A STRESSFUL COMPLICATED TIME, MY WORLD WAS UPSIDE DOWN, IT WAS GRADUAL

do you have any friends who are wlw?PROBABLY

is your crush wlw?IDK

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?A DOUCHE CANOE UNFORTUNATELY

write a short love poem to your crush/self?DEAR PERSON,THANK YOU FOR THE CHEESECAKEIT WAS SO GOODBUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS FROM YOU

do you fall in love easily?NO. I WISH I DID. I COULD USE THE HIGH TO GET STUFF DONE

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?I HATE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL HUMILIATED AND ASHAMED, SO I JUST DONT. I ALSO HATE TALKING ABOUT SELF HARM BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW HOW. AM I GOING TO TRIGGER PEOPLE? AND IT IS SHROUDED IN SHAME AND FEAR.

are you good at hiding your feelings?YES, WHEN I CONSCIOUSLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO

are you a forgiving person?NO. I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT FORGIVENESS, AND GREW UP FORGIVING ABUSIVE CYCLES, IT WAS SO UNHEALTHY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A CROW HOLDING GRUDGES FOR CENTURIES, AND I DONT WANT TO BE BITTER EITHER – I OFTEN FEEL BAD FOR NOT FORGIVING, EVEN IF ITS JUST FORGIVENESS FOR MY OWN SAKE. BUT ITS A NEW DEVELOPMENT THAT IM ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL ANGRY, BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT BEING WRONGED, WANT JUSTICE FOR MYSELF. AND MAYBE SOME THINGS SHOULDNT BE FORGIVEN.

what is your “type?”I DONT KNOW. I RECENTLY STARTED GROWING SOME SELF WORTH, AND I DONT THINK THE PEOPLE IVE SOUGHT OUT TO RELIVE MY PAIN COUNTS

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?LAST ONE

tall girls or short girls?BOTH IS GOOD

hugs or kisses?HUGS

twirl her around or get twirled?I WANNA TWIRL PEOPLE

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?BOTH

hairline kisses or neck kisses?NECK

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?PLAYING WITH HAIR

making out or soft kisses?MAKING OUT

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?WAIST

how confident are you in your sexuality?I THINK PEOPLE WOULD ASSUME IM NOT. IM SHY, AND MY NERDY CHRISTIAN VIBE ISNT GOING ANYWHERE. IM ALSO JUST BEGINNING TO LIVE AS MYSELF AND IM RELEARNING EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO REALLY KNOWING MYSELF IM CONFIDENT

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?NO. I WILL START CRANKING OUT ART AND FOCUS LESS THAN USUAL

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?YES

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?20ISH BUT THE SIGNS WERE THERE LONG BEFORE

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?I GOT MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED REMEMBER

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?I DONT KNOW MANY BUT IM HAPPY FOR THE CANON MARCELINE AND BUBBLEGUM

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?MY SISTER PROJECTING ABOUT HER LIFE. WE HAVE CONSERVATIVE MISOGYNIST PARENTS BUT WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND IT DID NOT AFFECT US IN THE SAME WAY

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?I FEEL LIKE IM FORGETTING SOMETHING NICE A STRANGER SAID ONCE

what is love to you?NOT SOMETHING YOU DISPENSE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. ITS A WAY OF LIVING – IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF, YOU LOVE OTHER PEOPLE, AND YOU LOVE THE WORLD AROUND YOU AND TAKE CARE OF IT. ITS NEITHER FAWNING NOR CONTROL – ITS ACCEPTANCE

ask me anything.YOU DIDNT ASK ME ANYTHING SO IM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. IVE BEEN EATING POPCORN CHICKEN WITH HONEY

[emoguyventsaboutnothing]

I just had one of the worst nightmares I've had in a long time.

My nightmares usually start with a tornado themed dream, I dont know why. I have them almost every night, and I do have a fear for tornadoes in real life too but its almost non-stop.

Then it transitions to this weird dream where I got my old job back at the gas station I used to work at. It was my favorite job. But I was struggling to figure out how I could work that job since it is an hour and a half away from where I live now. And would it imply I had to move out of my boyfriends house and back to my previous one.

Then the dream got infinitely worse.

My boyfriend is polyamorous- and that's fine. That's a part of him and he cant change that, and he needs to love and accept every aspect of himself. This means he is capable of loving more than one person at the same time.

I am monogamous. I have tried polyamory in the past with an extremely abusive and manipulative ex, who made a toxic love triangle to pin me against the others (who were also my best friends btw). I dont think hes actually polyamorous, but more so just someone who weaponsizes poly relationships to gain power- but at the end of the day, I was severely traumatized by it. And the idea of sharing my partner with another individual brings back some horrible triggers that I have vocalized with my boyfriend, and he understands completely.

Back to the nightmare....

I found out that my boyfriend asked another girl out without communicating with me first about even his interest in her or wanting to add her to the relationship. And it completely disregarded my trauma and feelings I was still trying to work through and heal from. I sat there and watched him snuggle up with this girl in a booth, I'm sitting on the opposite side and I feel betrayed. It reminded me of how him and I were at the beginning of our relationship. And I started to question myself...if I pushed him away. If I wasnt good enough.

I went to the bathroom and I was told by someone else that he also slept with some other guy. That's when I lost it.

I brought him outside of the building by the dumpsters and confronted him about it all. I was a mess. I asked him why he didnt talk to me first. He started bawling, saying that he was sorry. Then I brought up him sleeping with some other guy and he said it was true, and sobbed harder and started to self depreciate. I broke up with him. I was so angry and hurt, that I called him so many awful names. His demeanor changed and he started talking back to me about these two things as if he had no remorse for them, and that he should have done it sooner. I cant remember what was said exactly...but I remember being so angry that I knocked him down and he thought it was funny. He had this sick twisted smile on his face.

Exactly like my ex...

I felt like I had no control over myself at this point, and I was using all of the rage and betrayal I felt inside to sabotage his relationship with this other girl by trying to tell her he was a liar and cheater.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Anyways, I woke up shortly after and started crying. I still feel horrible and my boyfriend is sound asleep next to me. I know he would never do this to me. My boyfriend is the sweetest guy I've ever met. We have been together for over two years and we still love eachother like crazy. I dont know why my brain would create such an awful scenario....

[beccawastaken]

My life summarized Pt. 1...

I started this blog cause there is always so much in my head, it moves at the speed of light, some of it makes complete and utter sense, some of it sounds great til the very second it rolls off my tongue and then sounds nothing like it did in my head, some of it is just random nonsensical stuff that seems to have fallen off a stand up comedians cue cards and straight into the part of my psyche that prefers her own lyrics. It makes it very hard to focus on one task to completion, I even tend to put down my guitar and journal for months on end...so sad!

I must admit that I have worked my ass off to try to make some kind of sense of it all and now when I am unable to rather than let frustration take over I tend to find my random head ramblings amusing. I mean it is often a frustrated, shaking my head at myself kind of amusing but still...baby steps right? 

Sometimes the thoughts can be so intense and so rapid that its overwhelming and it takes every ounce of my strength not to scream til it stops. At its worst its almost like there are so many thoughts moving so quickly that it can sound like a constant high pitch buzz in my head. Super exhausting, and difficult to explain to those around you. People tell me to just go to sleep...ever tried sleeping with a shop vac on or inside a construction site? That would be comparable to this, plus, sleeping also isn't my forte so I’m double fucked so to speak.

The human mind and psyche intrigues me to no end. The way it works, and how the basic brain functions are the same across society yet our perception and the cogs and wheels inside each skull are as unique as our deoxyribonucleic acid. For each and every one of us, the way we tick can be vastly different from one another, from the person beside you on the bus, to that guy you’ve worked with for years to a lover or spouse and often really have no way of knowing. I mean how often do we turn to each other and say “can we talk about how your brain works?” We just take for granted that it does and don’t give it a second thought.(haha you will come to notice my love for puns)

Its the intricate differences between us that keep me interested in this self sabotaging species, I mean really, Earth doesn’t need humans to survive, in fact it may be better off without us! Who knows, what I do know is that while im here on this seemingly massive planet im going to make the most of it. 

I have a wicked sense of humour (ask anyone haha) and I enjoy messing with people (in a jovial way of course). Im talking like practical joke type of messing with people, light, innocent funny shit. I have been referred to as a brain ninja...I took it as a compliment, however, when you are on the receiving end its possible that it isnt nearly as enjoyable. I do my best not to be mean (I said I do my best, I am not perfect) cause you know, I’m no psycho, although some will attest to that statement not being true, I have honed my inner psycho and now only use her when absolutely necessary. Like if some douchelord crosses one of my angels or my grandson. Then my wrath should be feared, simple enough right? (WOW that escalated quickly! O_O)

I just do not want to waste my life, I spent so much of it not knowing how to handle daily life, assuming (naturally cause why wouldn’t I as a single child raised by someone that constantly blamed others and the world for her problems) that everyone’s mind worked the same, everybody deals with the racing and loops of thoughts you cant kick, or falls asleep with a song stuck in they’re head and wakes up and it starts again as if paused. Every morning. (Don’t drop that duh duh duh....grrr) For days! I mean doesn't everybody worry about every move they make, and lay in bed with they’re eyes closed trying to sleep and checking the clock twenty minutes later only to find SURPRISE, its been three hours! Or this relentless saviour complex I have, I can solve almost anyone's problem or at least help them find a path they are more comfy with but for years when it came to mine, I just couldn’t. This is just a few of the things i deal with or have been forced to deal with this life, Im sure i will touch on more. 

I have my children to thank for helping me learn how to deal with my version of life and not giving up on me when I know it would have been easier at times. (Dont drop that duhduhduh....ugh) I want to be honest in this blog, I pride myself on my honesty yet shy away from the darker, not so beautiful sides of who I am as if they don’t exist to the outside world. The thing is, I do not look sick, in fact I look great, besides a few extra pounds. My illness is not a physical one yet it has complete control from the inside out a lot of the time. I work very hard on a daily basis so I do not look like I am falling apart.

I feel emotions at a much higher level than the majority of humanity, I know this now. I don’t feel a lil bit of anything, if im sad, im so sad that even just being in my presence can break your heart. If something good happens and I feel a twinge of joy, I literally have to physically hold myself still sometimes cause it will surge like a lightening bolt through me and often some strange squeak comes out, fingers fully extended as if the energy just exploded form my core and out my extremities. Then, just as fast as it surges it disappears and there I am a woman bordering forty with this maniacal smile on my face like the joker and hair standing up like the professor from Back to The Future. Its quite a sight I am sure, and as much as it has been really hard to work with this side of myself I would rather be inside looking out and have to fix my hair then the onlookers forced to decide between the choice to ask if I am alright or back away slowly. Same with anger, although we have a bit of a deeper connection than other emotions, yea, thats right, we tight. Let me explain...or try;

I like to think my anger trigger point was when grandpa died, but looking back that is ridiculous, I was pissed at both my parents for what they put me through during the divorce but refused to take it out on them, they were in enough pain, they couldn't see it but i sure could.  When I am angry I scare people, I seem to fear nothing (not sure if that’s brave or not) and once I am angry there is no going back, I am completely incorrigible, illogical and refuse to listen. I have scared off men twice my size, not with violence of the physical kind, my verbal violence can be so articulated that I honestly think some people are scared to the core. I have shocked myself at times and thats not easy. Once I realized that I was growing into my version of the hulk I had to do something, I was starting to hate everyone and everything. 

I started replacing the empty yet extremely fucked up (for lack of a better word) threats with just simply making light of what it was that triggered me, albeit in an aggressive manner however it has proven effective in attempting to analyze what set me off and try to stop the rage fuelled rant.

I really wanted to give you an example but as I was trying to find one it proved difficult so im gonna call that progress. Anyway this venting became humorous to those around me, they all knew me so well that they would turn they’re heads and try not to laugh (ever been laughed at when your livid? its not cool, same as if are upset and someone says ‘calm down’ calm down, CALM DOWN?! like fuck off n all if you honestly believe im not trying, you think i wanna feel this way? like this is some kind of sick joke for me? pfft people!) in an attempt to not be caught in the crossfire of my verbal war. 

At first this angered me too (go figure, Hulkbitch) then one day, someone laughed and I took a step back and thought about what I had said and started laughing. Clearly my loved ones weren't laughing at my agony, but the words and descriptions i used to figure it out did tend to be funny. It takes a lot for me to get angry like that now, if I do tho, I still vent with sarcastic wit and make myself laugh to bring myself out of it. 

I think I have myself in line pretty well now, I guess I should give some history here, I was a very happy child on the outside but a ball of nerves within, my mother was extremely mentally ill (which i did not know til after her passing) and my father was a violent alcoholic. Luckily I was sheltered from the worst of what they put each other through as they separated when I was 2, but fought and fought and fought over me for nine years. My mum would insist dad never wanted me he just didn't want her to have me, said that I was never good enough in his eyes cause he wanted a boy. Dad, would point out the homeless lady pushing all her belongings in a shopping cart and say “hey kid, thats where your mum is headed, just you watch”. I know now they were just dealing in their own ways with what was happening between them but it really messed with me. 

My father, my daddy, quit drinking not long after the separation, i to this day believe that he did this not only for himself but for me, to show me that no matter what you can make changes, just gotta face the problem head on and deal with it so you can move past it. He was always a tough, vulgar, strong, stubborn, hilarious and short lil french man with an ego the size of Goliath. He taught me not to take shit from anyone if I believed in the topic at hand and to learn to turn a cold shoulder when needed. Emotions were not discussed, Im not even sure to this day if I can remember him ever saying I love you, but he didn’t have to, I know he did. 

Mum had her own ways of dealing over the years, she was all emotion, raw and uncut. She would always react first, think later, which meant she felt the need to apologize a lot.  For her mistake, for not being good enough, for not doing well enough this was so hard to watch. She would repeat the same self defeating patterns she had been doing her whole life and expecting things to change. Definition if insanity much? shitty part is back then they had no fucking idea what insanity was, nor did they care to look. Had someone just took her side and spoke for her she would still be here, if only she was honest with me about how sick she was, I may never have gotten as sick as I did. She thought she was protecting me...

This woman was the sun to my moon and I loved her more than words can ever express. She never believed me when I said it, she always said right up til the end that nobody ever loved her. I know this was not true cause I figured my dad wouldn't get so mad about stuff if he didn't care, the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. Mum was always in and out of the hospital and it was super hush hush, I assumed she had cancer. I was petrified to lose her, so I didn’t ask questions, just waited.

The custody battle went on and on, I remember my dad pushing our 1970somthing car up the street for some reason, didn't phase me much. I just said “oh look theres my daddy, he looks mad!”. We went to Expo ‘86 in British Columbia and mum was subpoena’d to come back to the prairies for court immediately, so she had to leave her vacation just to go back and find out it was remanded.  They were both so angry all the time, I thought it was my fault...had I not been there there would be nothing left to fight about right?

Okay so divorce was finalized when I was 11...Grandma and grandpa (mums side) loved the shit out of me too, ive seen pics of gramma in the military which made sense as I grew up as to why she was so tough but she must have been retired by time I was born. They bought an old ‘70s van and converted it into beds in the back, a table and even a port a potty! They lovingly got personalized plates with my name and the number “2″ after it. They took really good care of me, always loved me and wanted what was best.

I remember around 10yrs old I realized my initials were B.S. and I was not impressed at all as not one word that came out my mouth (at that age) was BS. I was insulted and wanted it changed, plus I knew it would make mum happy if I changed my name to hers. The divorce was finalized my initials were changed to B.J....JUST in time for puberty, (woooooooo) yeah, didn't live that one down for a very long time.

My reason for bringing up my grandparents is so that you all know that aside from this somewhat bleak story thus far, I had many people that loved me, including mum and dad, they just preferred to fight about it. 

Shit, fuck, damn, I just had a memory, not a good one but I spoz thats why our brains block things out eh? I do not know how this came about, my mother was very abused growing up and it took a toll on her.  I remember mum and the  grandparents fighting, i remember gramma telling mum to get her head out of her ass and i remember trying to picture that...I was not going to be seeing them for a while til things cooled down.

Mum was sure that my grandpa had molested me, I am not going to say it didn’t happen but as far as I can recall my grandpa was the sweetest most loving man ever. anyway, mum was questioning me, yelling, badgering me and generally acting crazy i spoz, this was before I know what that looked like.  She kept asking inches from my face if he had done anything to me and i maintained that he hadn’t. Finally hours later I was tired and hungry and she was clearly still psychotic she yelled at me are you sure (for the millionth time) I finally yelled out “fine, he did it!” I had no idea what he had done, or when, cause i wasn't there i just wanted her to stop. She was making herself crazy and it broke my heart. I didn't see my grandparents again for three years. Grandpa had gone senile and was not himself, didnt remember close family members etc. When I got there, I ran in the house and we met at the doorway, me at the bottom of the entrance stairs and him at the top. I smiled, and he looked at me puzzled, then started crying, then laughing then crying. I was so glad he got to remember me. I missed him so much.

This was all before I was even a teenager. Grandpa died not long after he was put in a care home cause gramma wasn't able to care for him. His death was my first experience with such a thing, I had no way of knowing how to deal with a loss like this...so I guess I just didn’t.

[leaughrilke]

Superbabies: I wanna know about arguments in their household! What happens when Kara and Lena fight? What about if the kids fight with the parents? What about between the kids?

oh ho ho okay (i am quite literally rubbing my hands together bc ARGUMENTS R MY SHIT)

so like??  kara and lena dont ever rlly Fight, u know??  no big blow outs, particularly after the kids come along like they bicker sometimes and have deeper arguments but there’s no big blow up bc that’s not healthy and they know it, recognize it.  the few times they’ve had a Big Fight were p early in their relationship when lena was still sort of self-sabotaging and kara was sort of doing the same tbh but then they developed the ever helpful tool of ~healthy communication~ so when they argue, it’s usually p tame

that said, they DO fight sometimes and they dont like......go out of their way to hide it??  bc like its a reality of relationships, you argue sometimes, and they want their kids to see that it happens and that you still love each other at the end of them and they want them to see how to deal with relationship issues healthily??  that’s a big thing for lena tbh, bc she had to learn it all when she was an adult, never had any reference point for what a healthy long term relationship was supposed to look like until kara, rlly, so she rlly wants their kids to know what a solid, healthy, happy relationship looks like

so it usually goes down like this: whatever small disagreements they’ve been having (usually over the same subject or maybe a series of related topics) will kind of build up and then sometimes its kara that starts it by rolling her eyes when lena starts in on it or sometimes its lena snapping at kara but eventually it Starts and it will last for days at a time sometimes bc they both think they’re right or if they know they’re wrong, they’re not willing to admit it Right Then but anyway it will last for a while (their record is three weeks, it happened right after they found out lena was pregnant with finn, it was A Mess), but like??  they still love each other??  kara still makes lena’s coffee in the mornings and lena still picks up a pint of kara’s favorite ice cream bc she saw they were out the other day and like??  tbh thats what the kids take away from it most

but yeah, so they argue in front of the kids sometimes but they never let it get ugly, always know when to say we need to step away from this and come back later, so they will and they’ll cool off and they’ll resolve whatever it is they’re dealing with

and it’s mostly just background noise for the kiddos??  like they barely notice it bc their moms dont rlly act any different when they’re in the middle of a fight, like yeah maybe they’re not as gross as usually, maybe the kiddos dont walk in on their moms making out in the kitchen, but thats like??  it??

one of maia’s friend’s parents fight a lot, like loud screaming matches, and one time maia’s staying over when they get into it and she’s so shocked?? ?  like holy shit why are they yelling at each other

uh they’re fighting??  you said your moms fight sometimes

um yeah sort of

she goes home the next day and just hugs her moms like holy shit she never realized how good she and finn and stella have it, like she can’t imagine living with screaming matches every other day

catch the rest of this under the cut bc i just realized its super long, sorry @ mobile users

NOW WHEN THE KIDDOS FIGHT WITH THEIR MOMS??  strap in friend

so each kid has their own style of arguing with their moms??  and it varies between kara and lena too like maia fights with kara one way but lena another ANYWAY

so finn isnt v loud when he’s upset??  he rlly isnt and he shies away from the term fighting even, prefers disagreement instead, so like when (on v v few occasions) he gets into an argument with his moms, its always p quiet??  and usually resolved by the end of the day tbh like he’s one of those ppl that Cannot go to bed with shit left unresolved, he has a thing abt starting every day with a clean slate (this occasionally means some long nights)

like the biggest things he ever argues with kara abt are like his willingness to cover up whatever maia’s gotten up to and the fact that he is complicit in a lot of kind of shady stuff his sisters get up to when they kind of become vigilantes and he’s had a total of maybe two arguments with lena and both of them were during and about his one rebellious phase where he broke curfew a few times and gave his moms some scares by letting his phone die bc he was feeling ~reckless~

his arguments with kara tend to last p long??  like days/weeks sometimes bc they are rlly a lot alike but in different ways??  like finn has a slightly narrowed moral compass i guess, where he can excuse what his sisters do bc theyre his sisters and they’re doing whatever it is for good reason but kara’s like??  no it’s still dangerous and not well planned and also illegal but neither of them ever yell (quite honestly kara and lena have like never yelled at their kiddos except when they’re in imminent danger??) but they dont rlly raise their voices so there’s just a lot of stony silence until someone (usually stella) sort of shoves finn’s shoulder and says you dont have to defend us, what we did was fucked up or approaches kara and is like hey, dont be angry with him

and then when he goes to apologize or she comes to him they both end up crying.  listen, they’re a soft ass family ok tears happen A Lot

the two times finn has argued with lena were both v short, happened v late at night bc she stayed up until he came home and both included the phrase (from finn) i get to be a kid too, you know and both times that final phrase made lena stop dead and just.  give up??  like god, he’s right, he’s taken on a lot of responsibility in their family, so lena just sort of gathers him up and hugs him rlly tight and is like we’ll talk about extending your curfew but please don’t ever scare your mother and i like that ever again and finn is like ???  ok???  

for sure figured he was getting grounded for weeks but instead he ended up with an extended curfew and like........one weekend of being grounded 

MAIA OH MY GOD maia fights with kara a lot when she’s older, bc she has like??  a v different moral code i guess like do no harm but take no shit kind of goes out the window, like maia’s taken this stance that the second u threaten her ppl, she’s well within her rights to beat your ass and she with lena she argues a lot during this one earlier period in her life where she gets into some bad situations and lena’s like ???  sweetheart what are you doing and maia’s sort of like GOD I CAN MAKE MY OWN CHOICES IM MATURE and lena’s trying v hard not to let it turn into a fight but, well, maia is trying v hard to turn it into a fight

so like her arguing with kara tends to happen more as maia’s an adult tbh and it sometimes escalates to full yelling bc at a certain point she becomes kara’s colleague at the deo and when she does stupid shit, she’s endangering a lot of ppl, including her siblings and her moms and herself 

meanwhile she fights with lena a lot as a teenager over stupid shit rlly like it’s not always abt deep shit but when it is it gets rlly uncomfortable bc lena hates arguing with her kids, she does, and maia’s not like finn, won’t ever get to the heart of why she’s angry at lena so it’s just??  it’s messy and bad and lena makes sure that maia’s left the house before she starts crying and maia makes sure she’s well out of the city before she starts crying and finn and stella and kara usually run damage control for them bc otherwise they’d be in this holding pattern of just sort of being like we’re okay.......for NOW and then having more and more arguments bc they never get to the heart of the matter and yeah, maia feels rlly guilty when she’s older abt how she treated lena as a teenager

and there have been times where she fights with both her moms at the same time, like there’s this period in her life (like around her sophomore/junior year of high school??) where she gets into a p bad situation that she refuses to let her moms know abt so they only see her cutting class and her grades falling and her like yelling at her siblings so they sit her down abt it and it results in several Big Arguments that end p badly and damage everyone’s trust for a little while bc now kara and lena are like??  holy shit what is she into???  and maia feels like her moms dont ~understand~ even though they legitimately would if she would just tell them whats going on and she feels like she can’t tell them so it’s a Mess for a while

stella refuses to argue with her moms.  she just Wont do it.  she rlly kind of refuses to fight with anyone she cares abt bc she can feel what they feel and that fucks with how she feels and idk it’s weird, sometimes other ppls emotions influence her or sometimes her emotions influence others.  bc of that, she tries to avoid it if she can but obviously it happens sometimes

this is her MO; she never lets it turn into a real argument, she’ll just like.....walk into room with whichever mom she’s irritated with or both if that’s the situation and just be v blunt like im angry that you wouldnt let me go out with ari last night and then she retreats before they can say anything else.  then, probably a couple hours later, she comes back and says another thing like it wasn’t fair because you let finn do the same thing and i feel like you treat me differently than him or maia and then retreats.  and then FINALLY  she’s kind of gotten a hold on her own emotions and feels like she’ll actually be able to speak with her moms without losing control and then its not even an argument so much as a debate rlly

like the weird stop start pattern is how she has to go about it so she knows that no one’s emotions are influencing anyone else’s???  like that way she knows she’s not making kara or lena angrier and she knows that they’re not making her any angrier, that whatever they bring to the table is their own

her moms thinks its rlly cute and also theyre rlly sad that she has to like.....live like this??  like she’s so terrified of ever taking away someone’s free will that she’ll just drag out a highly uncomfortable experience (stella Hates confrontation and, if given the opportunity, would probably just get it all done and over with in one go but sadly that is not an option for her) just to make sure she’s not doing anything wrong irt other ppl

she tends to argue with kara more??  bc thats who, in general, does actually treat her a bit differently bc she’s the one that’s like painfully aware that stella’s not kryptonian.  like and that’s not a problem obviously!!  kara loves her just the same as she loves finn and maia but it’s just scary for kara bc there’s a certain level of comfort in knowing finn and maia are stronger and faster and virtually invulnerable, and it’s terrifying that her youngest, tiniest child isnt.  like even just physically??  stella is so much smaller than her siblings and that’s just like a visual representation of their differences and its scares kara so so much every time stella walks out the door.  so she’s the one that generally is like hey maybe wear flats, you dont want to break your ankle or you cant go out in this weather, you’ll catch your death and stella’s like ???  you dont treat maia and finn like theyre babies and she gets rlly angry abt stuff like that bc she knows she’s different??  but she doesnt like getting reminded 

her arguments with lena arent even arguments like they rlly are essentially debates over rlly small insignificant stuff, like it rarely gets heated, feelings are never hurt.  that said, she’s had like one Major argument with lena and thats like when stella starts doing her own vigilante shit, like learns jiu jitsu and krav maga and gets maia’s best friend beth (a tech genius interning at l-corp) to help her with the gadgetry and lena’s the first to find out and she’s like No, no you’re not doing this, this isn’t safe and stella’s like technically i am an adult so yeah i am doing this and its more a battle of wills??  like there’s no out and out confrontation but it’s a weird few months until there is

NOW WHEN THE KIDDOS FIGHT

they rlly dont fight that much but usually its between finn and maia, with stella and their moms playing peace maker/referee.  like.....thats their dynamic, their built in system.  finn and maia’s inherent morality go against each other like at nearly every turn bc finn is such a pacifist and maia rlly rlly isnt, like even from when they were little that was like the main source of conflict for them

like finn always feels like he needs to go along with whatever maia’s up to just to minimize damage??  keep collateral damage low, u know??  and maia’s fine with that, likes having her brother with her as back up, likes not feeling so alone in her rage, but he’s kind of useless help, always standing behind her and telling her to leave it, walk away, it’s not worth it but like it fucking is??  to her???  

they do get into screaming matches sometimes.  like......they’ll fly up out of sight of the city and just rip into each other and whenever they come back home, they just will not look at each other for a while.  and stella’s left adrift bc they’re some of her favorite ppl and holy shit, what if this is the fight that rlly breaks them all apart??  so she runs between them, trying for damage control, but she’s not v good at it bc she’s way too invested, soaks up all their emotions like a sponge and comes away from it worse for wear

and like kara and lena are always on top of the situation, u know??  like they may not always know what their kiddos are fighting abt bc their arguments tend to wander to different things so what they may hear abt may not be what started it, but they always know when they’re fighting and usually they’ll each take on one of them to talk to, exchange notes, make a plan, help them figure out a compromise

and best yet, they know when sometimes they just need to step back and let them work it out for themselves???  like they know when to back away and when to pull stella away bc, bless her, she’s still desperately trying to fix everything bc its wildly uncomfortable for her whenever there’s tension in the house, so sometimes the best thing is just to distract her with other stuff and let finn and maia work whatever it is out between themselves (and they always do like, at the end of the day, they love each other a lot and rlly arent ever abt to let anything come between them)

on the occasions that stella’s ever fighting with someone, it’s usually maia and its usually that theyre both kind of jealous of the other??  like maia is everything stella wishes she was, all tall and gorgeous and smart and kryptonian but stella isnt angry all the time, doesnt have this rage eating away at her, can live her life without wanting to put holes in walls every day and so they get jealous of the other and the get irritated and they get fucking angry and maia’s so angry, stella can’t help but absorb some of that, even if she’s being careful

they mostly fight during high school??  like thats when its just the two of them in the house, after finn’s off at college, that’s when there’s no buffer between them and that’s when stella so desperately wants to be like her big sister, that’s when maia doesnt want to have to take over for finn as stella’s protector, wants to live her own life for once goddammit

and like???  it’s kind of out of nowhere.  like kara and lena dont see it coming but one day kara hears maia screaming and is like fuck and flies home and is like ????  when its just her and stella, red faced and breathing hard and stella looks like she’s on the verge of tears and maia looks as if she wants nothing more than to just leave and she tries to play peace maker but it only seems to make it worse bc both girls feel like she’s taking the other’s side and they both storm off and kara’s still just sort of ??????  what the actual fuck ???

they dont fight often, but they do actually play dirty bc they both know where to poke and prod and press to hurt the most and they rlly dont ever Truly work through it until they’re like full grown adults, like stella’s in college and maia’s grown and living in opal city and stella calls her when she’s like real fucking wasted and is like hoooooly shit we’re fucked up maia, we’re real shitty to each other??  but we shouldnt be because i love you, i love you so much and i miss you and did you know jungle juice is really strong???  its so strong maia.  maia did i tell you i love you because i do a lot

maia’s sort of freaked out by the confession/apology and she’s freaked out by the way stella’s slurring her words and she almost just calls kara to go get her but this is her baby sister and she called her??  she called maia, not finn, not kara, not lena, she called maia, so maia grabs a comfy sweater and hauls ass to stella’s university and just bundles her baby sister up and gives her a lot of water to drink and stays with her that night and helps her with her hangover the next day and stella’s sort of shocked she came (stella also doesnt rlly remember her phone call but u know, semantics) but then maia hangs around until stella’s like a little less hungover and she makes them dinner and is like so, we should talk and then they do !!  and they actually finally are truthful with one another, finally say what they mean and its rlly good and stella’s so so happy bc she has her big sister back and maia’s over the fucking moon like she missed stella so much, remembers when they were little and she would braid stella’s hair and show her how to balance on a skateboard 

[starryrogue]

Well I think I have my worst first date story

Meet this guy NASA on tinder. An Indian computer scientist. Asks me what I'm doing this weekend so we make plans to meet at a bar. Once I get home form work I think I'll pass since I'm so tired. Decide to go since I can't raincheck. We meet at a loud bar and things are ok and we talk and it's good. Not great but good. We leave to go to a quieter bar and have a few more drinks. We sit in the back and he is getting really flirty and goes right in for hardcore TEETH AGAINST LIP MAKE OUT. Which I am ok for but my lips are killing me and honestly not good. No kissing really just mashing and biting and it's only hot b/c of energy and I'm thirsty. After that it's all about the missing and we can't go back to just talking and I want more of that. We decide to go to a club to dance but it's gonna take a trip. Once walking I hear that he is judging fat people and making Engrish accent jokes and it's off putting. As we ride the subway maybe I'm tired and maybe I can see him in light withought darkness and noise but he's not that cute and he's got a shitty sense of humor. By the time we get to the club I just want to go home but I go in anyway and take a seat. I do t want to dance and he does so I sit and I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't like him. I want to go home but I don't want to break his heart. Eventually he sits with me and tries to get me to leave since he feels guilty dancing alone while I sit and stew. He tried to flirt and be cute and kiss me but I don't want him to touch me. So I just get up and start to walk out. I realize that is such a dick move so I go back and see he's sad and pissed and somehow we get to leaving. On the way form the club to the corner of the block we half talk it out. He thinks I'm drunk and is trying to control me since I want to leave but can't bring myself to do it since I did want to have fun. And he's being kind of condescending and calling me Joshua like bitch you are not my mom. I convince him to start over and we grab water at the bar and I pee and text my friend and he calls me since he thinks I bailed on him. We get to dancing and I finally get into it and I want to kiss him again. I want to go back before my anxiety and self sabotaged and indecisive mess fucked it all up. I want him since I know I can't have him and want to make out. I tell home toward the end of the night and he says no. I walk him to the subway and we talk about the night and he don't want to and I do. B/c it went from 10 to 1 really fast. He wants to know f I think he's hot. I say no I think he's cute (I kinda do but not really. He's average at best). I ask him the same he says yes (yay looks boo guilt) he says he would see me again. I don't really want to but I dont want to say that. So he's leaving then all in my court to text him back. Now I'm stuck in the damn city and I just wish I had stayed home and relaxed and damn this was one tucked night. I should text him and break it off. I hate being the bad guy.

[magical-agatha]

vent, dont reblog.

cant readmore on mobile soz

all that did was leave me tired and confused. i am traumatised and damaged and prone to running away or hiding or freezing or fawning. but i have enough control over myself and enough awareness that i can, almost always, stop myself from hurting anyone. even when im terrified and my head is screaming to run. i have enough control to think about what is happening and what i actually want to do. im not like the ppl described in that. i am traumatised heavily. but i dont lash out. especially not now. maybe a small snap when i panic or im hysterical and struggling to control myself. but thats only when its bad. the kind of panic where my brain cant process thoughts properly anymore and i can barely think and i have to devote all my energy to staying real and not thinking about suicide. i dont lash out i just put up walls. but i only put up walls when talking cant work. i cant talk to an ace exclusionist or a transmed, i cant change them. i cant afford the energy to try and nor am i capable of convincing them. they have to learn for themselves. so i block them to avoid them and feel sad and angry about it. if i can talk i do. if talking has a chance of working i talk. and its hard and sometimes i mess it up. but when it should work it does work. cuz some ppl wont listen or see things from my perspective. bc they dont want to. i tell them they hurt me. and they say it was my own fault or gaslight me. when it wasnt. i dont blame ppl for things they havent done. that makes no sense. and i dont blame ppl for the sake of it. if someone i can talk to hurts me i think about it. cry probably. consult my gf and my psych and maybe other friends. then i talk to the person if i can. if they care they listen. sometimes i dont get it right. sometimes i mess up bad. but if i do i listen. and i try to change and i apologise. and the ppl i keep in my life all do the same. we talk and we listen and we try to be better people. and the ones who wouldnt communicate turned out to be the ones more often than not that contributed to my trauma. and a lot of them i think about more than id like. and i wish they were still in my life and had listened and had been better. but they werent. they made choices. they blamed me or dismissed me when i tried to communicate. and so we dont talk.

there were things i messed up in most of those situations. but i apologised and i learnt from the mistakes i made and i grew. which is what im supposed to do. grow.

so im not like the people that was describing. not in the way im scared of being. i am small and tired and traumatised but i dont make callouts, especialky not for personal disputes. i dont gaslight ppl or acuse them of abuse prematurely or innapropriately. i try to resolve conflict responsibly. bc i have made a lot of mistakes in the past. and i dont want to repeat them. bc i want to be better. i want to be a good person. and most importantly i want to have friends and loved ones and a community. and building a community means i need to have second and third thoughts and i need to watch myself and learn from all my mistakes bc i want to be better and thats how you get better. i think im lucky in my capacity for self awareness. not only is my brain extremely good at pattern recognition and being critical, which i think are in part from an overactive like, part of the brain that senses danger, but i can see it and control it and i can turn it inward and watch myself. and i can watch myself watching myself. and sometimes it messes me up and i hurt myself or wear myself out but i need to be critical. not all the time not too much. not to the point of hurting myself. and im getting better at balance. but being able to watch myself like i can is extremely useful. and i think it might be an uncommon trait. based on people ive known and disliked. and people i see out in the world. and based on an awful lot of thinking and guessing. i think most ppl cant do this. and i think thats why certain things are the way they are. im too tired to articulate. but as much as i hate my trauma and how much it has destroyed me. there is a silver lining. i will make the best of a bad situation.

i will move in with my gf. i will learn and grow and gradually i will stop being scared all the time. and ill be better. ill have friends and family. and ill keep the useful skills i learnt frok being sick and from trauma. like second and third thoughts. and first sight. and all the other stuff ive grown because of. and hopefully ill shed most of the pain. and the intrusive thoughts. and the parts of my brain intent on sabotaging me. undermining me when im weak. ill stop dissociating maybe even too. i might never be able to remember things well or process thoughts consistently or reliably but there is always a way around problems like that and ive already learnt a lot about doing that. my memory isnt an issue. my gf remembers the important stuff i dont. and i write things down and set reminders. and i have old messages and posts to read thru. and screenshots and photos too. and gifts and mementos and paths in my head i can follow if i try hard enough. if i keep digging i can find things i lost. sometimes. so memory is handled. but other stuff still needs work. like executive dysfunction or focus or consistency or sleep.. speaking of which. its past 4am. i should sleep.