#i say it bc i need the catharsis of an emotion besides guilt sadness loneliness and self doubt

[sapphic-bifrost]

// brain dump + rant, references personal stuff and needs context.

— please either read the whole thing or none of it. preferably none unless you for some reason care about my personal life? bc otherwise it probably sounds annoying. ok carry on.

——

im not sure if what i want is good for me. and i’m also not sure if what i think is good for me is actually good for me. and now i cant trust other people so i need to be able to trust myself. but i want so desperately for someone to prove me wrong, for once

to think something is bad and it’s better than i thought instead of worse. to believe in someone, even against the advice of family and some friends, and they exceed expectations instead of letting me down. to think someone is gone but they come back. to think someone doesn’t understand me but they do. to think something won’t work out and it does.

im perceptive enough to know when something will probably be fine. and i feel too deeply to be naive about things that might not be fine. i cant be oblivious and i cant be naively optimistic and i cant be completely cynical. so instead im here, hating the way things are but unable to gaslight myself in either direction.

And i hate it, i hate it, i hate you. i hate all of you who get to live life not seeing things in front of you, and hurting less because of it. i hate all of you who get to be blind to the horrors of your reality. i hate all of you who can pull a trigger and not see who you shoot, who can be deaf to the sounds of people falling around you. all of you who can be happy next to someone who is sad, who can ignore someone who is crying beside you. who can afford to just sit in your emotions for all time because those emotions aren’t killing you rapidly at a pace that requires you to properly deal with them asap. i hate that i can see everything, everything, everything, and i have to feel the pain of it. i hate that i can understand people who’ve hurt me, i hate that no matter how angry or betrayed or sad or heartbroken i am, i can still understand the other point of view. i hate that ill feel guilty even when i think i was in the right. i hate that i hurt once for me and again for everyone else.

i hate that i cant be selfish. why cant i be selfish? i hate that i worried for the people who called me a bitch, a slut, a whore, a narcissist, annoying, manipulative. people who badmouthed me behind my back to my own friends. people who they wouldnt even know if i hadnt brought them into my friend group. who lied about me to the rest of my team and made it incredibly hard for me to work effectively on leadership.

i worried about where my ex was going to be and who would be there to support her and tried to break up with her at a time i thought would be most convenient for her, before thinking about the fact that i was literally fucking ill and couldnt sleep or eat because of how upset and nauseous i was. i didnt think “hey i want to focus on school right now and it would be convenient for me to break up over break bc then i can be at home where i dont have to be functional and doing school for 15 hours a day”, instead i thought “well um i cant wait bc her bday is coming up and then there’s a holiday and then finals and then christmas and then new years and i dont wanna ruin a holiday time for her?? and also it would be really unfair to her if i just like waited and lied to her that long. but also right now is so soon so maybe i just wont break up at all and ill just hope it gets better” and it literally took seven of my friends telling me that i was too ill and upset to function and couldnt afford to wait that long or just keep dealing with it. in the end it took seven fucking people to convince me that i really should break up and didnt have to just keep trying so hard when it was literally fucking killing me. even then i tried to set boundaries for her sake afterwards. even though i tried to be gentle and tried to explain myself and tried to say some positive things and tried not to let pain tarnish positive feelings and affirmations, and got absolute silence in return. even though it was killing me to not hear anything, i waited until i couldn’t breathe and couldnt stand without feeling like i was going to throw up or pass out. i waited until it had been hours since my heart rate had been below 100 bpm. i waited until i thought i wad actually going to drop fucking dead where i stood. and in that last ditch attempt to save my own fucking life, i was ~selfish~ and of course thats the one thing people remember about me, right? those times i was selfish and tried to save my own fucking skin at the last possible minute after spending my entire fucking life adjusting to other people’s needs.

im so fucking tired of having to feel for more than just myself. i want to be angry and i want to be bitter and i want to just not care anymore. And i cant i cant i cant its not in my being, i cant. and its not like i feel completely benevolent either. Im just full of sadness and pain and it makes me want to die, i want to die i want to die i want to die. i want to die. please i want to die.

people will be sad, oh yes they’ll be sad. and honestly that’s the only reason im not gone yet. so once again, im doing something for other people instead of myself. go figure.