#i saw this in bed i draw it in bed so hopefully not wonky looking :3

[sailingseals]

😭 I had to draw this again 🎊

[neighbourskid]

Dave? Dave.

It's been quite a bit since I've written anything here, huh? Well, I guess as it has been for pretty much everyone, life has been kinda strange for a while now. Despite vaccine roll-outs and continually changing safety regulations, there's still a global pandemic on, and everyone is trying to navigate this reality the best they can. For once, we are all, generally speaking, in the same boat now (sure, there are huge differences between countries because capitalism fucking sucks and rich greedy humans are once again proof that things need to change asap, but overall, we all have to deal with this pandemic).

But I don't actually want to talk about the pandemic, it just exists as a frame of what I do wanna talk about.

As I have mentioned before, when the pandemic hit, I was in the last semester of my undergrad studies and writing my Bachelor thesis. Or that's what I was supposed to do, anyway. I did do a lot of reading for it, early in the first lockdown after university closed and we were all attending from home. I was lucky, I had no classes, I only had like three scheduled meetings to check in on progress of the thesis, but otherwise I was free of zoom calls and attempting to attend university digitally. So I read.

After a while, reading became taking a book with me into the sun, glancing at one or two pages, and then just napping for most of the day, and spending my evenings either playing video games or watching some tv show or movie. At some point, I felt like now was the perfect time to rewatch all fifteen seasons of CRIMINAL MINDS, so I did that, instead of writing my thesis. I still occasionally read, but most of the days I just felt exhausted and unmotivated so I stayed in bed and binged my crime show.

As the deadline for the thesis started approaching, and the time I had left fell under a month, a switch in my brain seemed to be activated and, oh, hello, suddenly there was a certain drive there for that thesis again. Which lasted exactly until an email from university dinged into my inbox a few days later, informing me that I would get another month for my thesis, due to the pandemic. And away that motivation and drive went, immediately.

Not much later I had a session with the therapist I was seeing at the time, because of the hormone treatment I had started early that same year. I had talked to him about my concern that I might have ADHD before because I didn't feel like there was anything we needed to talk about related to my transition, so I brought it up again here. I told him how my thesis was going -- or rather, how it wasn't going at all -- and finally, as I told him about some of the issues I experienced while trying to do work for it, he acknowledged that I may indeed have some attention regulation issues. He prescribed me medication to try out, and -- wonder oh wonder -- suddenly I was writing my thesis. I ended up finishing it on time (even though a week before I had a moment of "all of this is garbage, I will never pass, I should start the whole thing from scratch") and got a decent grade for it, too. I've been on those meds since.

Over the last, I don't know how many years, I've always known that there was something a bit wonky about my brain. There were always these things that seemed to come so easy to other people, and try as I might, I just couldn't make them happen. I, presumably, had a lot of neurotypical friends. I also have friends with depression, BPD, anxiety disorders and other neurodivergencies. I have family members with autism. I know my mom suspected I might be on that spectrum as well.

Reading up on many of those things I never felt like any of them described what I was experiencing. There were certain traits, sure, but mostly there was a lack of what I actually did experience in most of them. Even ADHD, when reading about the "required" issues and traits, doing those self-diagnosing questionnaires, I just never saw what I felt represented. And then I started reading about what people with diagnosed ADHD had to say about how they experience things. I ignored the more medical or clinical information, and just looked for people talking about how they navigate their lives with ADHD. And then all of a sudden it was, oh, yeah this, this is relatable. This is where my brain's at.

Suddenly it made sense that caffeine didn't do nothing for me, that a nice, warm cup of coffee put me right to sleep. It made sense how, after only a month, suddenly a well beloved hobby or tv show was suddenly of no interest whatsoever. Staring at the wall for three hours instead of doing a simple task. Drawing in class so that I could pay attention to what is being said. The inability to remember much of my life before 6th grade. Having to bounce my leg so I could read a simple text. Needing to visually break a book down into chapters with colourful post-its to keep me from being overwhelmed by the length of the book. And so many other things. Suddenly, there was a reason for that.

I've always liked doing personality quizzes. Or doing stuff related to my zodiac sign even if I don't believe in astrology per se. Finding out what my Enneagram number is. Or my Myers-Briggs type. Not because I think those things define me or describe me to a T, but because they give me a vocabulary. They give me options. I love answering a bunch of questions and then getting a wall of text telling me This Is Who You Are and then I get to pick out what is accurate and what isn't. It gives me words to describe who I am that I didn't have before.

And it is the same thing with posts or videos of people with ADHD. It gives me a vocabulary for the things I experience and it lets me express those things in a way I wasn't able to before. Before, I was like, doing things that my brain doesn't want to do, feels like running headfirst into a wall because there is no way above, around, or underneath it. There is no door, no ladder, no tunnel, no nothing. There is only running headfirst into it until maybe, hopefully, it cracks. Preferably before my head does. But that is exhausting and most of the time, I prefer to not get through the wall at all, if what it takes is going headfirst through it. Now, I know that what that is, is a dopamine deficiency. The task that needs doing, the task that this wall is, doesn't give my brain enough dopamine. There is no satisfaction, there is nothing to gain from that task, so the brain isn't interested.

One of the things that I recently discovered and helps me a lot in this quest of figuring out how my brain works, is this guy Connor on tiktok, who also has ADHD. His videos are both hilarious and informative. And also incredibly relatable. They might be silly haha funny videos on the dear old internet, but I walk away from most of them going, oh! oh that makes sense, good to know.

He occasionally talks about how ADHD is completely misnamed and how Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder does not actually accurately describe what exactly people with ADHD lack. In one of his videos, he calls it DAVE instead. It's silly, and sounds a bit dumb, but I kinda like it. Dave. Dopamine Attention Variability Executive-Disfunction. Dave. I like Dave.

Y'know, I don't mind having ADHD. Presumably, I've lived with it my whole life so far. And it's annoying as shit some of the time. Especially when things need to get done and they just won't. But I don't mind that, especially now that I know that this is what it is. I've always feared that if I finally do go to a therapist and try to figure out what my brain is up to, they'll just tell me that I'm fine and there's nothing to worry about. And at first, my therapist did say I was psychologically unremarkable. But I guess if you've lived like this your whole life and nobody has really picked up on it, even a therapist doesn't notice (it's called masking, I've learned, thanks Connor).

But knowing is good. Knowing means I can learn things that help. I can take medication when needed. And, looking at the grades I'm currently getting in my graduate studies? Hells yeah, taking that medication and knowing how to deal with certain aspects of my brain helps a lot. It is incredibly funny to me that the best grades I have gotten in my entire academic career have been achieved in my Master's studies during a global pandemic. There is currently an actual real possibility that I may graduate summa cum laude. In my MA. That is insane!

Anyway, I am avoiding tasks by writing this right now. Oh, the irony. I'm gonna try and do those tasks now. Y'all take care. Cheers!

[clockworkpog]

Update

if anyone followed musicallover86, that account was my spare but the email got wonky and I had to delete the account so I’m reposting all of my old stuff here!

So I’ll start off with my first ones

Bumps In the Night

Just to clarify, I didn’t make this au. The idea came from the amazing #anteonix and I just made a fic based off their idea.

Please check out their page, it’s really great.

Patton was terrified of the dark. Every average 8 year-old is scared of the dark, but Patton was deathly afraid of it. It didn’t help that he knew that there was a giant shadow monster under his bed. He found out when his night light fizzed out and he was already pretty scared, but then everything got even worse than he thought it could. A giant hand, no claw was creeping out from the bottom of his bed. Patton screamed and brought his mother running into his room, turning on the lights. He ran to her and spent the rest of the night in her room. The next day, his mother had gotten him a new blue, heart-shaped night light while he’s at school and spend the afternoon baking cookies together. Now Patton was ready to bribe, make friends with the scary monster under his bed.

Virgil was dying inside. He couldn’t believe how stupid he’d been. He never meant to scare Patton, he was trying to comfort him when his night light died. But Virgil conveniently forgot that trying to stroke the poor kid’s head with his giant shadow claw would do more harm than good. Now he had probably traumatized the poor kid for life.

Armed with half of the cookies he and his mother made earlier in the day, Patton solemnly trudged up the stairs to his bedroom. It was painted a light blue from wall to ceiling, with drawings and photos of family and friends hung on every wall. He had a small shelf full of Disney books and movies, perfect for when his friends Logan and Roman came over. And then there was his bed. It had sky blue, white polka-dotted covers and fluffy white pillows, making it resemble blue and white marshmallow. But if you looked closely, there was a dark spot under the bed. Not just your typical darkened area underneath the bed, this one seemed alive. Once, Patton could have sworn he saw eight purple eyes open up when he turned off the light in his room. He stepped into his room and turned off the lights, but he was careful to leave his door open so that some light still shone in from the hallway. He shuddered apprehensively as he bent down and pushed the plate of cookies he had been carrying earlier towards the small crevice under his bed. “Um, hello Mr. or Ms. Monster under my bed,” he began awkwardly. “I know that not everything that looks scary is actually bad, so I wanted try and be friends.” The words could have been more elegantly put, he could have asked Logan at school but he ended up forgetting due to worrying about getting eaten alive if the cookies didn’t work. But it wasn’t bad, he felt confident that he had made his point and could only hope that the peace offering, gift would be accepted.

What the heck? Virgil thought as a plate the size of a small country was pushed slowly to the space under Patton’s bed where he spent most of his time. The appeared to be chocolate chip and smelled heavenly.  “Um, hello Mr. or Ms. Monster under my bed,” came a small voice. Virgil instantly perked up, that was Patton’s voice but what was this kid doing?  “I know that not everything that looks scary is actually bad, so I wanted try and be friends.” Oh, thought Virgil as he looked at the plate again. This was a peace offering from Patton. This is new, Virgil thought to himself as he slowly materialized a limb to bring the plate closer to him. He made sure that it wasn’t huge or terrifying, and the light from the open door helped him form a smaller appendage with much more ease than forming one in complete darkness. He dragged the plate under the bed and ate a cookie in one crunch. Man, this is the best house I’ve lived in, he thought to himself. The cookies tasted even better than they smelled and would probably appease any monster. Virgil made sure to chewed loudly so that Patton could hear him and hopefully interpret this as friendship/peace offering accepted. Virgil finished the plate in about 3 minutes at most and slowly pushed the plate back to the small child.

It had to have been at least 3 minutes when the plate came back empty. Patton had heard loud chewing and crunching from under the bed, so he hoped that that meant his gift was accepted. He let out a mental sigh of relief and picked up the plate. “Glad you liked them,” he said, a little more chipper than he felt before. “Since we had never been properly introduced, my name’s Patton. What’s yours?”

Virgil almost choked on his last bit of cookie. Patton was asking for his name. The thought of it would have put him in hysterics a few minutes ago, but now he was utterly speechless. He hoped his voice didn’t sound to raw as he mumbled, “Virgil. My name is, Virgil.” “Nice to meet you, Virgil” Patton replied. “I guess this means we’re friends now!” The words almost made Virgil laugh. Either this kid was being sincere or he was secretly some sorcerer trying to kill him. The latter seemed impossible since Patton didn’t even know about his existence until know and Virgil hadn’t witnessed any secret spell casting or books of magic. “I guess we are then,” he said at last.

“I guess we are then.“ Patton had never felt so overjoyed. The monster under his bed, Virgil, didn’t want to eat him and now they were friends. He surprised when Virgil actually responded because he had thought maybe he couldn’t speak and need a pen and paper. But hearing the faint and slightly rough voice proved that that wouldn’t be necessary. Now, Patton jumped on to his bed and proceeded to ask Virgil all sorts of questions. Where was he from? How long had he been living under Patton’s bed? Were there other monsters like him? Virgil seemed to be surprised at his sudden talkativeness but mostly answered his questions into the night.

[universalfanfic]

Next Gen AU

I’m posting it here first bc I can’t post it on ffn until the ‘Coco’ one goes up, else I be truly shamed. 

[][][]

Steve’s phone buzzed in his pocket and the caller ID read “home”. Sutton generally didn’t call him while he was out on mission, not until he gave her the clear. She was always worried that he’d have forgotten to put it on silent and she’d get him killed while he comically fumbled for the off switch.

Which was ridiculous, because he had perfect memory, but the system worked so he didn’t make a deal of it.

“Hello,” he hedged, holding up a finger to signal for his teammates to wait. “Sutton, is everything ok?”

“Hey, sweetie.”

Her voice was sickly sweet and it instantly set off alarm bells in his head. Not a bad emergency, but probably something inevitably worse.

“What happened?”

He could hear running footsteps in the background, there was a crash, like a tub of legos had been dumped, and then yelling and barking.

“How’s the mission going,” Sutton asked, still sounding too happy to talk to him. “I, myself, have had just the most splendid day.”

“I’m actually in the middle of something-”

“Was it Connor,” Tony piped up. “If it was Connor, tell him no robotics for a week.”

There was some scuffling on the other end of the phone, and then Sutton grunted and there was an indignant cry from one of the kids.

“Do you know what your son did?”

Steve hissed through his teeth. He was kind of hoping it’d been Connor.

“I’m sure you’re about to tell me.”

Sutton let out a sharp laugh.

“Oh, phew,” said Tony. “Not mine.”

“Someone teleported into Disney World and mommy had to leash up two other kids and chase him down. And then do you know what happened, because mommy turned her super powers on? She got a call from Mr. Fury who wanted to know what in the world was happening.”

“Oh no,” said Steve.

“Oh yeah,” said Sutton.

“It wasn’t my fault,” a tiny voice wailed in the background.

“Ha, ha!” Another voice taunted. “Now Owen is in trouble! I was good this time! Hey, dad is gonna be sooo mad at you!”

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose as Sutton audibly growled under her breath.

“Maddie, you’re about to be in trouble for being mean. I haven’t forgotten how you tried to sneak onto the Small World ride.”

“Oops.”

“Let me talk to him,” Steve cut in. “Hopefully we’ll be finished here in a few hours.”

“Please? Today has been insane. And I have narrowly avoided legal action for breaking into an amusement park.”

There was rustling as Sutton passed over the phone and Steve could hear sniffling before he even started speaking.

“Owen,” he said in a firm tone. That was all it took. Owen burst out into, knowing him, what were probably renewed tears.  

“I just wanted to match the castle.” He cried. “I’m drawing a picture for mommy and I need the right colors.”

“That’s no excuse. You know what we said about powers.”

“Don’t lie,” Maddie shouted from somewhere in the room. “You wanted to go on rides.”

“That was after,” Owen shouted back. “Because I forgot I wasn’t supposed to!”

Steve grimaced and tilted his head back as if praying for patience.

“You know what, hand the phone back to your mother. We can talk when I get home.”

“You’re gonna get time out for forever,” Maddie taunted in what was probably supposed to be a whisper. The phone rustled again and Sutton sighed.

“Hurry and get back before I velcro all of them to a wall?”

Steve turned back to the team.

“We better wrap this up.”

[]

“All I’m saying is that there’s some sort of cosmic balance going on with your kids being the troublemakers here.”

Tony smirked, chin tilted up, as he strolled next to Steve up to the front door. Steve unlocked the door and gave him an unamused glare. So far, there were no loud sounds coming from behind the wall, which could really go either way.

“Didn’t Connor shoot a laser beam through his bedroom wall a few weeks ago?”

Tony let out a chuckle and grinned.

“Pep was irate,” he said. “I didn’t dare tell her I let him build out of the lab.”

The living room was dimly lit and only the murmurs of the television could be heard. Steve edged into the house cautiously, looking around to watch for any incoming children.

Some cartoon he wasn’t fond of was playing, the one with the sponge, and everyone was piled on the couch.

Sutton had fallen asleep alongside the kids. She was slack against the cushions, almost sliding off, with Owen curled up on top of her, a piece of paper crinkled up in his closed fist. Conner was pressed against her left side and Maddie was stretched out across her right. Sprinkles had squeezed in behind Maddie, her legs draped over his daughter’s as if to keep her in place.

“Well, if that isn’t a kodak moment,” said Tony. He actually pulled out his phone and snapped a picture then turned back to Steve. “It’s good to document when they’re not being gremlins.”

“I’d escape while you can. I have a feeling there’s going to be a discussion once everyone’s up.”

Tony hopped into action, clearly not wanting any part of that. Delicately, he scooped a still sleeping Connor from the couch and made for the door.

“See ya, Cap,” he said. “Good luck.”

Steve let out a quiet sigh as he cleaned up a few scattered toys and picked up both kids to put them in their beds. It always amused him, how they went limp like ragdolls and molded to whatever surface you put them on.

He tucked both of them in, brushing back their mussed hair kissing their foreheads. Sutton must have bathed them. They smelled like lavender soap and and freshly done laundry.

He pried the crinkled paper from Owen’s hand and closed the door behind him as he left the room. The paper was overloaded in crayon wax. A blue and gray castle sat in the background with a squiggly-haired stick lady smiling in the front. There were blue lines emanating from around her and a yellow crown hovering over her head.

Steve shook his head and put the drawing down before he walked over to the couch and shooed Sprinkles out of the spot next to Sutton. She let out a disturbed groan as he sat down.

“I almost portaled right into Tigger with two squealing children. Do you know how awkward that is?”

“I saw the video.”

She groaned again and turned over to bury her face in his side; he automatically wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

“It’s viral, isn’t it,” she mumbled against him.

“Sam said it was already a meme.”

“Why,” she whined.

For a moment they just sat. Steve let his muscles relax as he soaked in home. Even with crazy kids, it was more of a relief to be with his family than on any mission.

Turning over, Sutton propped up her head to stare up at him. Her face was twisted in a wry sort of ironic humor.

“I can’t even stay mad at him. Do you know he grounded himself? He told me he wouldn’t eat dessert for three days.” Steve raised an eyebrow and she smirked. “I told him nice try, it’s a week, but the principle was there.”

Steve ran his fingers through her hair and smiled as she hummed and leaned further into him.

“We’ll still have to talk about use of powers tomorrow. He can’t just go running off whenever he feels like it. We already have Maddie.” Sutton giggled while trying to keep the volume down.

“You can lead that discussion,” she said. “I already had to chase them around a giant park like I was herding a bunch of cats. The Rogers’ name will go down in infamy. These children won’t have it any other way.”

Steve reach over for the remote and turned off the television with a grimace, cutting off the sponge’s grating laughter. The room bloomed in a blessed silence.

“Not sure I can talk,” he said. “I don’t know what I would’ve been like with enhanced abilities at such a young age.”

Sutton snorted and gave his side a light pinch.

“In front of your parents or hanging out with Bucky? Because I can see it going two different ways.”

He grinned in return.

“That’s fair.”

They both might have fallen asleep on the couch if Sprinkles hadn’t come over and complained about them not being in bed so she could sleep in her special corner of their room.

When they pulled back their comforter, there was another crayon drawing and a Lego sculpture. This drawing was of what looked like a self portrait, Owen crying fat blue tears while a stick mommy and daddy watched him with thin arms crossed. He must have recruited help, because in a wonky circle above his head was blocky, childish letters that looked like Maddie’s scrawl.

“I’m sorry mommy and daddy,” it read.

“Bah,” Sutton whisper yelled. She flopped onto their bed as Steve put the Lego creation on his dresser. “That’s your son, alright.”

“Please.”

He sank into bed next to her and they both snickered as she put the drawing away on her nightstand.

“Pancakes for breakfast, I bet he forgets all about this incident by morning,” Steve mumbled, nearly already asleep. Sutton pressed up against him and smiled as she drifted off as well.

“Bet you bacon he remembers the second he sees you.” Steve hummed.

“Hm, sounds like breakfast. You’re on.”

[errantknightess]

Lost and found

Pairing: Lavi/Allen

Word count: 2,900

Summary:  Allen finds out about Lavi carrying his ace of spades with him all the time.

A super late Laven Spring Exchange gift for @the14thnea - I’m really very sorry for making you wait this long ;A; Hopefully you will find this fic enjoyable even in spite of that.

[Read on AO3]

The night was stifling, washed blue with the light of the clear full moon, and once again restless.

Lavi lay on his back, watching the shadows drift across the ceiling. He had given up on sleep long ago, his head too heavy with the recent events to allow him anything better than a few fitful naps that left him exhausted and disoriented. The alternative was almost soothing in comparison. Staying awake meant he could at least try to put up a fight against the memories flooding his mind.

The distant noises of the infirmary ebbed and flowed in his ears. It seemed the medical staff weren’t getting much sleep, either. Lavi absent-mindedly picked up the shreds of sounds seeping through the walls: hushed voices from down the hall, brisk footsteps of the nurses, cabinet doors opening and closing with a soft clack. It was always busy in here, even this late into the night, but their return from the Ark had stirred things up even more than usual. With tension thick in the air, the ward was no place for rest these days, neither for the patients nor those tending to them.

His leg twitched sharply, an almost electric sting of numbness running up and down his skin under the bandages. Lavi groaned and slowly turned on his side, his limbs heavy as if he were rolling in molten lead. The metal bedframe repeated his groan in a mocking, high-pitched tone that made his teeth tingle. Out of all the rickety beds in the room, this one had to be the loudest. Lavi settled carefully, the lumpy mattress protesting his every move. Finally, the metallic whining of springs quivered to a stop and the room fell silent again, so silent he could hear his own breath.

And then, like a distant echo, the creaks and cracks sounded anew. This time, though, they were different than the usual tossing and turning – more timid and jerky, the tell-tale noises of someone trying really hard not to make a noise. Lavi recognized them immediately; he had heard them night after night ever since they got here. With his eye half-closed, he held as still as he could, watching Allen slowly sit up on his bed just within arm’s reach.

It was hard to read his face in the dim light, but its ghostly pale sheen alone told Lavi more than enough. Allen shifted under the blanket, his moves short and shaky like a marionette on a broken string. Lavi wondered how he could still move at all; he had to have more fractures than bones. And yet there he was now, ready to leave the bed and disappear God knows where, just like last night and the one before.

The first couple times, Lavi had let it slide, too sore and tired to spy on him. Still, curiosity wormed its way in even through pain and fatigue, and he could only ignore it for so long. That’s all it was, he told himself, staring intently as Allen set his trembling feet on the floor. Just plain old curiosity prickling under his skin, writhing in his chest, gnawing at the back of his throat—

His hand grabbed onto Allen’s as soon as he took the first wonky step past him.

“And where do you think you’re going?”

For a split second, Allen went rigid in his grip, like a rabbit caught in a snare.

“I just… wanted to get a midnight snack.” The weak smile he offered only made the lie all the more obvious. Lavi sighed, squeezing his hand a little tighter than he meant to.

“Come on, Allen. If you really were going to get food, you wouldn’t look this miserable.”

Allen looked away, his pulse beating against Lavi’s fingers in a rugged rhythm. He didn’t answer, but made no move to escape, either, and Lavi saw this as his chance. With a light tug, he pulled Allen closer, leading him to sit down on the bed. Allen gave in to his guidance like a rag doll, his shoulders slumped and shaking as he dropped onto the mattress. He still wouldn’t meet Lavi’s gaze, staring dead ahead with glassy, faraway eyes.

“Hey…” Lavi started, his voice barely a whisper, but still too loud in the choking stillness. Gently, he ran his thumb over the back of Allen’s hand, hoping for a reaction. “Allen? What’s wrong?”

Still no answer. Allen just shook his head slowly, as if trying to chase away some plaguing thoughts.

“You don’t want to talk about it?”

“It’s nothing,” Allen muttered, finally turning back to him with another half-hearted smile. It faltered as soon as their eyes met; at least he realized his masks were no longer of use.

Maybe that’s what spurred Lavi into dropping his own one as well.

His wounds protested as he leaned closer to Allen, as if his body wanted to remind him that he shouldn’t let himself go this far. Allen’s gaze flicked with a quiet surprise, but he didn’t resist when Lavi gingerly rested a hand on his shoulder, with a touch so light he probably hardly felt it through the bandages.

“It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me,” Lavi assured, his confidence rising with every moment of this fragile connection. “I get it. But please, just stay here tonight, all right?”

Allen bit down on his lip, fidgeting with the hand that Lavi still held clasped in his own. Long black fingers tapped a silent melody over his calloused knuckles. He parted his lips and sucked in a shaky breath, but it took another moment before he spoke.

“How can you stand this?”

“What do you mean?” Lavi blinked, puzzled.

“I feel like I’m going crazy.” Allen’s voice cracked as he explained, a nervous grimace tugging at his mouth. “I can’t take it anymore, I’m going to lose my mind if I stay here like this any longer.”

“Allen, calm down. You’ll be fine.” Lavi gave his shoulder a little squeeze, but the words didn’t sound convincing even to himself. It was unsettling to see Allen unravel like this, and he could feel his own composure starting to crumble as well. He needed a distraction – anything for their minds to latch onto before they both give out.

“Let me help you. Come on, how about we have some fun together?”

“Fun?” Allen repeated, drawing the word out as if he held it on his tongue for the first time ever. He seemed confused, and suspicious, and yet – oddly hopeful. Lavi smiled; his hand slid up and down over Allen’s shoulder in gentle, soothing circles.

“Yeah. I know something that will lighten you up for sure.” This was a terrible idea, he knew that as soon as it crossed his brain. He was going to regret it. There was no doubt about it. But at that moment, it was the best he could do. Even at the price of his dignity.

“Care for a round of poker, Beansprout?”

The challenge in his tone made Allen perk up in an instant. Lavi had to wonder just how deep his competitive streak ran; it seemed more like some primal instinct to him – but for now, he was just glad to see that sparkle again.

“I thought you hated playing with me.” Allen tilted his head with that shark smile of his. “You’ve never won even once. What’s with this all of a sudden?”

“Oh, you know.” Lavi shrugged. “I just thought you might need some practice. With everything that’s been going down recently, you haven’t played in a while, right? I bet you got all rusty,” he taunted.

Allen’s smile somehow got sharper.

“Don’t underestimate me or you’ll lose your pants.”

“You wish.” Lavi poked him in the nose with his finger. “No, I have a good feeling about this. It must be my lucky night.”

“Well then, let’s see it.” Like a cat pouncing on its prey, Allen stretched over Lavi’s lap to rummage in his nightstand drawer. A moment later, he scrambled back onto the bed, already fiddling with the worn deck in his hands as he settled in.

Lavi scooted closer to join him, smoothing out the wrinkled blanket between them. Something light fluttered in his chest, an odd feeling so pleasant that it almost hurt. It was as if for a moment everything went back to normal. He watched Allen’s expression flicker from glee to focus, his lips drawn into a thin line and a deep crease on his forehead, half-hidden under the messy white hair. Lavi just barely stopped himself from reaching out to brush it away. But Allen didn’t seem to be bothered by it at all; he kept his eyes on the deck, cutting it and shuffling over and over. His hands moved swiftly and as always, fingers dancing through the cards with practiced ease. He made it look so easy. The graceful gestures were almost hypnotic, but Lavi found it hard to give in to their charm. The sight of the cards cascading between Allen’s palms made him uneasy. They had been cleaned and refreshed, but it was still the same deck – he’d recognize it anywhere. Even without his cursed memory, he doubted he could ever forget. Lavi felt his breath back up in his throat as the pictures burned in his brain, preserved as perfectly as in Timcanpy’s recording: a flash of light, empty gray eyes, a rain of paper scattering on the bloodstained grass…

“Are you ready?” Allen’s voice broke him out of the trance. Shaking himself off, Lavi quickly picked up the cards he’d been dealt and looked them over. A lousy hand, not that he didn’t expect it. He should have known better than to let Allen handle the deck. With a sigh, he dropped three and drew again. Even worse. He rearranged the cards and looked up at Allen expectantly.

“You wanna change anything?”

“No, I’m good,” Allen replied, not even bothering with a proper poker face. “So, shall we?”

Lavi just groaned as they both uncovered their hands. Technically, he got what he was aiming for. Allen smiled the widest he’d seen him for days – but now Lavi yearned to wipe that smug smirk off his mouth.

“Not bad for a warm-up,” Allen gloated, gathering up the cards to hand out another round. “What do you say, mister Lucky Night?”

“I say you’re not allowed to deal anymore.” Lavi plucked the deck out of his hands and gave it a thorough shuffle.

“Really, now.” Allen stared back at him with wide eyes, a perfect display of innocence. “Lavi, don’t you trust me?”

“Allen.” Lavi sent him a stone-hard look as he flung the cards back and forth between the two of them. “I trust you with my life, but never with these.”

Allen shook his head with a laugh.

“Well, if that makes you feel better, do go on. It doesn’t matter to me either way.”

It really didn’t matter, Lavi found out with growing frustration as they played one game after another. Even with so many chances to figure it out, he still had no idea how Allen kept pulling this off time and again. Losing all the time wasn’t half as annoying as not knowing why. Still, it was worth it. With every game, Allen’s eyes would light up more and more, and with every win, he’d flash a smile – a terrifying smile, granted, but Lavi would gladly take it over that haunted look from earlier.

The longer they played, though, the more that smile reverted back to a thoughtful pout. Sitting so close, Lavi could clearly make out all the tiny shifts to Allen’s expression, and it didn’t take long to notice something was still bothering him. Something was off. Allen has never been this distracted during a game; one moment, he was watching Lavi like a hawk while he dealt the cards, only to stare off past his hand and mouth to himself as if he was counting something in his mind.

“Hey, quit spacing out.” Tired of waiting for his move, and a little concerned, Lavi leaned over and poked him in his bare toes. “What’s up, you suddenly forgot how to play?”

“Far from it.” Allen swatted at his wrist with his cards, revealing another royal straight flush – his third one in the last five rounds. He tossed them on the blanket and stretched out with arms over his head, stifling a yawn. “This is starting to get boring. It’s too predictable.”

“You know, it could be more exciting if you stopped cheating,” Lavi remarked, still assaulting Allen’s foot with his finger.

“Oh? Look who’s talking.” Allen narrowed his eyes, and before he got any reply, he seized Lavi by the shirt, one hand tugging at the fabric while the other snuck right underneath.

“What—“ Lavi sputtered as the ice-cold fingers brushed against his stomach. Allen swiftly reached up and up, with the aptitude of a skilled pickpocket, until finally he pulled back again and triumphantly waved his loot into Lavi’s face.

The ace of spades.

Lavi had almost forgotten about it – no, wrong, he could never forget, but the card had grown onto him like a second skin over his heart, so much so that he barely noticed it anymore. He stiffened, his head starting to spin with the sickening memories again.

“I knew something wasn’t adding up,” Allen exclaimed, flipping the card in his hand with an amused smile. “I have to admit, though, I’m impressed. I didn’t even notice when you took it! How long have you been hiding it?”

“I…” Lavi tried hard to swallow down the bitter tingle at the back of his throat. He couldn’t look away from that little patch of black and white, fluttering in Allen’s fingers like a butterfly, and something in his eye must have clued Allen in. He followed his gaze down and turned the card over once again, his smile fading as he took a closer look.

“Lavi…” he said slowly, fingers skimming over the dark smears of dried blood on the paper. “How long have you had this card?”

“Since we left China.” Lavi’s voice barely broke through, choked and raspy. “Lenalee and I went looking for you when you two got separated. We couldn’t find you… Timcanpy showed us the place, but you weren’t there anymore. This was all that was left.” He gestured at the card, feeling a pesky dampness under his eyelid.

“And you took it with you…” Allen's face softened as he looked up at him with a fond smile. “You had it with you this whole time…”

“I was holding onto it for you.” Lavi managed a smile of his own, a weak one, but for the first time that night completely genuine. “Now that you’re here, you can have it back, though.”

Allen bit down on his lip, thumbing the tattered edges pensively for a few heartbeats.

“Actually, I���d like you to keep it.”

It wasn’t an answer he expected. As Allen held the card out to him, Lavi took a breath and opened his mouth, but found himself lost for words. What could he even say to something like that?

“But… How are you going to play without it?” he blurted.

“Don’t worry, I can manage.” Allen let out a small laugh, still eyeing him with that heart-melting, tender look. “It’s all right, Lavi. Just take it.”

“Seriously.” Shaking his head, Lavi reached out and gently wrapped his fingers around Allen’s hand, keeping it in place. “I don’t need it anymore now. You should have it. To help you win.”

“If that’s what you want.” Allen relented, his grip tightening. “But at least let me give you something in exchange.”

Lavi blinked, once again taken by surprise. Suddenly, Allen’s face hovered closer to him, so close he could see the impish glint in his eyes and the tiny tremble of his lips – and then those lips skimmed over his skin, pressing a short, sweet kiss just by the corner of his mouth.

Lavi stiffened as a warm breath swept his cheek, making the hair on his arms stand up. It all lasted only a few seconds, and before he knew it, he felt Allen starting to pull away. Lightheaded and lost, Lavi leaned in, desperate to stop him. Allen’s soft chuckle tickled his chin. The touch grew bolder. Lavi tilted his head, returning it with timid lips as he let Allen push him back onto the mattress.

They settled down to creaks and groans of the springs, pressed up against each other on the narrow bed. Allen's head was a warm weight on Lavi’s shoulder, bobbing slightly to the steady rhythm of his breaths. His white hair spread out like a halo, shining silvery in the dim light. Like mesmerized, Lavi stroked it slowly with a gentle hand, tangling his fingers in the short strands at the nape of his neck.

“Will you stay with me tonight?”

Allen’s answer was nothing more than a low murmur that trembled through his chest. Nothing more was needed, though. His heart aflutter, Lavi put an arm around Allen’s shoulders, rubbing small soothing circles into his back as they both drifted away.

The night was sultry, washed blue with the light of the clear full moon, and for the first time in a while, peaceful.