#i saw someone in the tag ask and thank god all the recent broadcasts of the show are on itvx

[kirk]

here is the announcement on gmb of robron winning "most iconic dingle moment" (18 OCT 2024)

[snarkwrites]

sprung spring | found you | jacob black [m]

PROMPTS USED:

“You’re kinda small. It’s cute.” + Height Difference Kisses Where One Person Has To Bend Down And The Other Is On Their Tippy Toes + Suck + Being dared to kiss + against a wall/door -

NOTES:

Hey, look... Years ago, I actually STARTED writing in the Twilight fandom. I feel like things have come full circle now, kinda? Idk.. Anyway, just wanted everyone to know that this takes place AFTER the series. Jacob is grown up here. So is the OC omega/imprint. If people bother me enough I miiight be tempted to sit down and come up with an actual story for these two, idek... Enjoy the filth. I blame the recent announcement of the Midnight Sun movie / book... Anyway, yeah.

Oh yeah and just so you know... I kinda took imprinting and alpha x omega bonds and mashed them together. So the oc here is not only Jacob’s imprint but she is also his omega. 

PAIRING:

Jacob Black [ alpha ] x ofc, Lily [ omega ] 

WARNINGS:

Uhh... the usual stuff that goes with a/o.. Meeting a guy at a bar and hooking up. Protected sex, for once -yeah, that’s right, you heard it here guys and dolls, Ash FINALLY remembered that condoms exist.. Biting.

Writer does NOT agree or disagree with hooking up casually. Writer says to make up your own mind about these things. Alcohol warning, btw.

TAGGING:

@micolegg​ - just because | @kyleoreillysknee​ - they’re the only person on my Twilight tag list. If you want to be on any of my taglists, once again, go [here] otherwise, you will not be getting tagged.

( nobody @ me. I had to use this gif. I had to. )

“Okay, if you’re really over the jerk, I dare you to kiss the next guy who walks through the door.” 

Lily scoffed at her best friend’s dare and rolled her eyes, picking at her nails. “No, I believe I’ll pass. Knowing my craptastic luck, it’ll be one of those creepy Cullens or Nelson’s ass.” 

Cassandra’s gaze was fixed intently on the doors that lead into the crowded sports bar and she let out a low whistle. “I mean, if you wanna pass on that, by all means.” she gestured to where Jacob Black stood, tugging off a weathered brown leather jacket to toss at an empty booth. She nudged Lily again so that she’d look up and see the man for herself.

Lily swore sharply and finally tore her gaze off of her phone. “What the hell--” her sentence died on her lips and she swallowed down a baseball sized lump in her throat, blinking. Raising a hand to rub her eyes when blinking didn’t just make him disappear.

“Jacob?” her voice came almost whisper quiet, eyes fixed on him intently. She shook her head, it had to be some kind of hallucination. Jacob had been in Canada since a few weeks before Bella’s wedding. And every letter he sent home to Billy suggested that Canada is where he intended to stay. Or that’s the last thing her father told her when she bothered to ask last month.

So why come back now, she found herself wondering. She didn’t even realize that she’d started to move towards him until she bumped into Jessica’s back, muttering a distracted and quick apology, shoving past her until she caught up to Jacob Black.

Jacob was distracted; entranced by the warm and heavy sweetness of the vanilla scent he’d followed into the bar. Brown eyes darted around and his fists clenched at his sides as he tried to keep himself pulled together. For a split second, he thought he caught sight of Lily, an old neighbor, but when he tried to focus, see if it was really her, she was gone. 

“I’m here, might as well grab a drink.” Jacob mused to himself as he glanced around again, turning and preparing to walk back to the booth he’d left his jacket in. The scent of vanilla permeated the air around him heavily and he felt his skin tightening, his blood almost boiling. His vision started to tunnel and when he turned around fully, he found himself body to body with Lily.

“Jacob, hi.” Lily bit her lip and stared up at him, reaching up to toy with the end of soft long jet black locks. He let his hair grow back, Lily thought to herself distractedly, thank God. She quickly snatched back her hand when she realized what she’d done.

Her feet felt rooted to the floor. Why wasn’t she moving?

She wasn’t the same stammering little mess she’d been back then, damn it. Suddenly, Cassandra’s dare came rushing back and Lily took a deep breath, her eyes locking intently on kissable lips. 

“Fuck it. Yolo.” Lily muttered quietly, molding herself against Jacob, raising to tippy toe, tugging his mouth closer to her own as he bent down to make up for the difference in height. Rough hands dug into her lower back, lifting her off the floor slightly as his mouth crashed against her mouth. Her fingers tangled in his hair, tugging at it so that the kiss deepened and his hand moved up her back, fingers catching in a long jet black braid, raking through it until it tumbled loose down her back. His tongue trailed over the outline of her lips and when she rubbed against him just a little, he groaned, the taste of rum filling his mouth as he deepened the kiss to a point where he knew she had to be getting dizzy and he could feel their breathing sync up, almost as if they were breathing for each other.

The kiss broke, the pair springing apart as Lily took a few deep breaths and raised her hand, smoothing it over her hair, pushing shaggy bangs out of her eyes. Jacob’s mouth opened and closed and his hand raised, dragging through his hair. All he could do was stare at her as everything he’d seen and the scent of her bombarded his brain and dominated every single part of his thoughts. He chuckled, rubbing his chin. “Hi, Lily. So, uh… is this how you greet everyone?”

“No, no.” the word tumbled out, making him laugh, making him flash her that bright and cocky grin of his. When she blurted out what transpired before he walked in, she wanted to kick herself, adding quickly to the end of her explanation, “But I wasn’t gonna do it til Cassandra got me to look up and I saw you walk in. Shit. Fuck. You know what? I’m gonna take this as my cue and go.”

Lily turned abruptly, already halfway back across the bar by the time Jacob processed what she’d basically just admitted. He was on his feet again, shoving through the crowd, deep brown eyes darting around all over as his nose honed in on the scent of her. He found her easily, sitting in the back in a booth with a group of two or three other girls he remembered from La Push High.

He cleared his throat and the girls all surrounding his imprint shared a look and stood abruptly after doing so, making a hasty retreat.

Lily lightly beat her head against the tabletop. “I swear to God, I just want to disappear right now, Cass. He has to think I’m still a huge dork.”

“Actually, no.” Jacob spoke up as he slid into the booth bench beside her, an arm going around the back of it. 

Lily raised her head reluctantly, her cheeks almost an angry red as she stared at him a few seconds. That intense heat was lingering in the air all over again and the spicy scent of him pierced her nostrils as she felt her skin tightening all over again.

The urge to straddle his lap took over before she could stop it and she didn’t even realize that every single dirty little thing on her mind was being broadcast directly to his until he leaned in close and chuckled against the shell of her ear, “Are you okay? You look like you’re burning up right now.”

“I,uhh.”

It clicked into place what was happening and she crossed her legs, clenching them tight beneath the table.  Oh naturally, he’s my Alpha and I make an entire ass of myself… 

Jacob’s gaze shifted to her hands and the way they were almost white knuckle, her palms flat against the wooden tabletop. It happened again, just like earlier when she’d kissed him. Every single noisy thought flooded his brain and the animal side kicked into overdrive.

Yeah, he knew how imprinting worked but this felt… Different. A thousand times more intense. It was imprinting and something different… Something so much more than that. This primal urge to get her alone and lay claim.

When it hit him, his jaw dropped and for a few seconds, he sat there in a daze, staring straight ahead. 

Lily toyed with the wrapping to the straw in her mixed drink after noisily slurping down the last of it and taking a few labored breaths. The way he looked at her just now was… Deeper than any look he’d given her before.

To be fair, she found herself thinking with mild annoyance, before it was all about Bella. 

“Do you dance, Lily?” Jacob leaned in and muttered the question against the shell of her ear as someone put the Halsey version of I Walk The Line on to play in the music box at the front of the bar. He needed her closer. He needed to know she was okay. He needed to feel her body molded against his again because only then could he feel centered.

“Nobody dances in here, Jake.”

“There’s a first time for everything, Lil. C’mon. Unless you’re too tipsy?” he teased her gently, his eyes fixing on the pyramid of shot glasses in front of where she sat and the two empty glasses that contained mixed drinks.

This got his inebriated imprint slash omega on her feet. Between the alcohol in her system and the effects of what he suspected to be her heat setting in, she swayed a good bit. Jacob stood too and pulled her completely against him, his hands drifting down and gripping her ass to hold her in place. Lily looked up, staring deep into dark brown eyes. “I’m not too tipsy for anything, Jacob. I’ll… I’ll have you know, I-I’m perfectly sober right now.” she nuzzled her face against his shirt as soon as she dropped her gaze again and Jacob barely contained the low growl that arose from deep in his chest. His hands splayed across both sides of her ass, fingertips digging in just a little as his nose buried in the crown of her hair and he breathed in the scent of his mate as deep as he possibly could. After a few seconds, he gave a quiet laugh at her words.

“Right.” Jacob continued to snicker quietly to himself, a fond smile tugging his mouth upward as he fixed his gaze on her intently.

Lily’s head raised and she poked out her tongue at him, prompting him to snicker about it. 

“What’s so funny, Jake?” 

… God, is she ever not going to get me hard or distract the living hell out of me?. This is going to take a lot of getting used to, but it’s fine. It’s perfect, actually.. the thought came and went and rather than be dumb and let it slip out, he instead went with, “You’re kinda small. It’s cute,actually.”

“Oh hahahaha. Says the guy who reached man size in what? Seventh grade?” Lily teased gently, trying hard not to think about just how good it felt to be pressed against him like this, but just how many layers of clothing were still between them and how badly she wanted those gone.

“Ninth, actually. And I was not man sized.” Jacob chuckled, a soft gaze down at her. There it was at last, that truly lightweight and give no fucks feeling that came with the imprint bond.

“Y-you are.” Lily muttered, stumbling over the words lightly. With each little step they took, she found herself rubbed right against him and the slick coursed down her inner thighs, coating them. “Y-you were more of a man t-than any of t-those other s-shitheads at our school.”

… I seriously just said that… Ugh, can someone just strike me mute? Before I totally fuck up?... the thought came floating into her mind and Lily muttered a quick apology, giving him a little dirty look when he managed to mis step and stepped on her toes. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Jacob apologized, laughing. He dipped her down and as she came back up, their faces bumped against each other. Just the feel of her lips against his own had him struggling to keep the animal within at bay.

 Lily’s tongue danced over the outline of his lips and his grip on her body tightened as he hauled her up fully, pressing into her so much that she had to lean back, her back meeting the edge of the booth with a soft smack. “It’s...it’s okay.” Lily managed to gasp out between sloppy and rough kisses that seemed to dominate her mouth and set her pulse racing. A throat clearing nearby had the two springing apart momentarily and it served to put the brakes on for the two momentarily. 

“You wanna get outta here, Lily?” Jacob pressed into her heavily, his hands on her hips, his mouth next to her ear. 

… isn’t this a little fast?...

… better too fast than never, besides… haven’t I waited long enough?... his mind was at war with itself and the stronger side, the animal side, that was winning.

Lily found herself staring deep into dark brown eyes and getting lost, just like she used to when they were kids. After a few seconds, it occurred to her that he’d said something and she managed to respond, “Oh god, yeah. Take me home, Jake.”  as she slipped her tongue past his lips all over again, her hands drifting down, tugging almost impatiently at the waistband of his jeans.

Jacob bent at the waist, scooping her up, making quick strides towards the doors of the little sports bar. Once they were outside in the chilled night air, he sat her down on the back of his motorcycle, getting on in front. 

“Hold on tight.”

Lily’s arms slipped around his waist and she pressed herself into him as the motorcycle’s powerful engine roared to life, the motorcycle taking off at a decent speed towards the reservation.

“Your place or mine?” Lily muttered quietly next to his ear as she grazed her lips against. Jacob’s breath caught for a second and he chuckled quietly, shrugging. Lily continued, “Because I’m the only one staying at my place… No interruptions.” her lips dancing right over the rapid pulse in his neck. Jacob bucked a little, feeling himself getting harder and harder. 

The reservation was coming into view and he drove down the dirt road they both lived on, parking his motorcycle beneath the carport next to the little red cabin she lived in. 

Getting off the motorcycle, he scooped her up in his arms again, quick strides up the porch steps, Lily digging around for her house key after climbing out of his arms, reaching out to unlock the door as Jacob lightly kicked it open with his foot, stepping inside the darkened house as he shut the door behind them and locked it. 

Her back pressed against the wooden door with a soft smack and Jacob’s hands were all over her. Her mouth latched onto his neck and chest, anywhere she could reach and when she rose to tiptoe all over again, Jacob chuckled and slid her up his body to sit her down on top of her dining table, his mouth latching onto her mouth and then dancing down her neck. 

As soon as he found the spot where her scent glands were, he could feel the pierce of his fangs at his gums. Lily was rubbing herself against him, her legs wrapped around him, her hands moving down between them and then her fingertips catching in the hem of his tee shirt, starting to pull it upward. The warmth of his breath against her neck felt so fucking good. She gasped and let her head fall to the opposite side, giving his mouth better access.

Jacob pulled away a second or two, eyeing her as she continued to rub against him, shaky fingers catching on the button to his jeans and pulling it free, then lingering down, lowering his zipper slowly. In a daze, he kicked his jeans and underwear free when they pooled at his ankles, a low and primal growl filling the air as his eyes settled on his mate all over again, his tongue trailing slowly over his lips as he gazed down at her. 

“Aren’t you going to do it?” Lily’s voice was a breathy drawl as her fingertips trailed up and down his bare chest and she fixed her eyes on him almost expectantly. She rubbed herself against him with more urgency, her whimpers and moans echoing off the walls of the dining room. Jacob licked his lips and smirking, he lowered his mouth back down to her neck, his teeth scraping against scent glands again.

“You’re sure, right?” his voice came out deeper, sending a jolt racing through her and another wave of slick coating the insides of her thighs. Lily gazed up at him, biting her lip. “I asked for it, didn’t I, Jake?”

“Yeah, but..” he trailed off, unable to finish his words because she took his face in her hands, scooting herself closer to the edge of the table, rubbing against him all over again, more urgently. Jacob’s hand went down to the jagged hem of her crop top, tugging it up and over her head, letting it settle on the table top behind her. He gave a low growl as his eyes roamed over her, his mouth almost watering at the way her scent intensified. Wiping the back of his hand over his mouth, he leaned in again, reaching around, the quiet tear of satin as her bra was torn away breaking the semi-silence between the two as he tugged it free from her body next. And then, he was leaning in, ghosting his mouth down the side of her neck, his tongue trailing over soft skin boldly, his lips latching onto the patch of skin her scent glands lingered beneath. 

This time when he felt his fangs starting to prick through and push to the surface, he didn’t bother fighting it. Instead, he sank his teeth into the sac just below the surface of the patch of skin. Her nails dug into his shoulders and she rocked herself against him, legs clenching his hips tight as she gasped. “Oh, oh wow..” the rush of the bond took over, leaving her to lean into him heavily, clinging to his body. Jacob leaned right back against her heavily, chuckling as he muttered the same against her skin.

The wooden tabletop was cool against her back as she wound up flat against it, Jacob pinning both her hands at either side of her head, his mouth crashing against hers again, muttering against her lips, “Just a second… stay right there.” and raising up, letting go of her hands, bending to pick his jeans off the floor, rifling through the pockets. He tore open the condom wrapper with his teeth, sliding the condom down over his cock before turning back around to face her, stepping back between her legs as he leaned down, his hips pressing into her lower body, his mouth roaming over her neck, littering soft skin with bites and suck marks as he groaned and rutted himself into her, the tip of his cock teasing between her folds and making her whimper out loud, rubbing herself right back against him. As his cock sank deep into her heat, she got louder, Jacob chuckling against her mouth as he pressed into her, going still to let her get used to his size as the knot began to form.

“I think I’m okay.” Lily managed to gasp, rocking her hips against him urgently. Jacob sank his cock in a little deeper, a quiet growl escaping into the kiss as he pulled his mouth away, staring down at her. “You’re sure?”

Lily gritted her teeth as she felt him burying his cock in even deeper. She felt like she was being split in two, stretched and overfilled. Her nails dug into his shoulder and she gasped as she started to really get used to the way he felt buried inside her, trying to rock her hips against him all over again. “Yeah, yeah. Fuck.” she moaned out, “so big.” 

“I’m not hurting you, right?”

“No, fuck no. Feels so..” Lily met the deep and steady drives he made into her tight and dripping cunt with her own thrusts eagerly, “So good. Fuck.”

Jacob slowed to an almost stop, she was so tight around him, it felt too damn good. His fingers dug into her hips and he growled quietly as he slammed her up and down his massive cock, panting next to her ear in quiet and filthy growls, “You’re so tight, fuck. Feels so good to bury my cock in you.” 

Her fingers dug into his shoulders and she moaned louder and louder, the table creaking quietly beneath them and making them both pause and eye the table, then each other. “Maybe we should move this to the couch.” Lily muttered, giving a soft laugh as she caught her breath for a few seconds. Jacob scooped her off the tabletop and went to step out of the dining room and into the living room. Lily’s back met the wall as Jacob’s mouth buried in hers all over again and he started to fuck into her slowly, making her moan and whimper and bite down on his neck as she begged for more. “On second thought, this… Oh fuck it feels so good, baby. So good. Don’t stop.” 

Jacob slipped her legs over his forearms and started to fuck into her harder and faster, feeling her clench around his cock as he slammed into her throbbing G spot again and again. Her nails danced down his back and from the way her mouth kept latching onto his neck, he had no doubt in his mind that tomorrow, he would not be hiding the marks left behind. Then again, neither would she, because he’d definitely left marks of his own. He felt her tense up and chuckling into her mouth he asked quietly, “Are you getting closer, baby girl?”

“So close. So close.” Lily gasped into his lips as he continued to pump in and out of her, the sound of their sloppy kisses and quiet moans and growls breaking any silence in the room. “C’mon, Lily. Let go.” Jacob coaxed as he felt himself getting closer too. “Wanna feel you, princess.” 

“ -oh fuck. Oh yeah, that’s it.” Lily moaned as he slammed against her g spot all over again, and she felt her orgasm shatter through. Her walls clenched his cock and Jacob’s thrusts became erratic, skin smacking loudly against skin as he fucked them through their orgasm, holding her against him and kissing her all over the face as they both tried to catch their breath. He nipped at her ear and muttered quietly, “Are you okay?”

“If you’re going to carry me around a little while, yeah.” Lily teased gently, catching the corner of his mouth with her own as their stomachs both growled noisily. “But I am kinda hungry…”

“Me too.” Jacob chuckled against her mouth, his forehead pressed against hers as he kissed her again, tender and deep.

[insanityclause]

Every day, after lunch, Joan Bakewell has an assignation with a pre-booked bedroom at Durrants Hotel in London. In another time, another life, that might have been the start of a racy anecdote, but the veteran broadcaster, who is filming her television show Portrait Artist of the Year across the street, has distinctly unromantic intentions.

“I have a snooze,” she says happily. “Just 20 minutes. Excellent. We’re on the set at seven and go on until seven at night. What was really touching was that the producers came to me and said, ‘We know how old you are, obviously — what one thing would make your day easier?’ I said, ‘If I was at home, I’d have a snooze.’ They said, ‘OK, done!’ So they’ve provided that for me at their expense. Good man management.”

Bakewell went from thinking-man’s crumpet (the tag that has accompanied her unfailingly since it was given to her in the 1960s by the comedian Frank Muir) presenting the pioneering discussion programme Late Night Line-Up, to a tsar for the elderly about 40 years later. She was appointed by the Labour government in 2008 to give a campaigning voice to those over 60. “I’m known for being old as much as anything these days,” she tells me, looking amused. “When Harriet Harman asked me to be the voice of older people, everybody said, ‘Yes, well she is, so that’s why she’s doing it.’ Bakewell has since stepped down from the role, but was made a Labour peer in 2011 and sits in the House of Lords at least three days a week.

“Do I mind about the perception of me as old? By the time you get to my age, you don’t care, you know,” she says, laughing. “There’s no point in pretending you’re a young chick. Long, long gone. Been old for ever. I’ve been over 60 for 25 years.”

We are sitting in the airy living room of the north London mews house to which she has recently downsized, two-storey walls lined floor to ceiling with books. The garden, glimpsed through the large sliding glass doors, is under construction. Clad in citron sweater and smart navy trousers and shoes (not flat), Bakewell looks nowhere near 85.

She has a casual, beguiling warmth, and it’s no surprise that men fell at her feet. Married twice (first to the radio producer Michael Bakewell and then the theatre director Jack Emery), she famously had an eight-year affair with the playwright Harold Pinter during her first marriage, which inspired his play, and subsequent 1983 film, Betrayal, directed by David Jones. Now contentedly on her own, how important has love been for her?

“It’s been very important,” she says. “It is important. I’ve got loads and loads of friends and had two marriages and make bonds quite easily. The kind of imperative of sexual urges falls away, thank God, and doesn’t torment you like it did once. But close bonds with people are very important to me. I continue to find people attractive and interesting. You know how it is.

“If the producers of the series said that, for instance, Tom Hiddleston was coming in to be a portrait artist, I’d go, “Ooooh, how lovely . . . mmm!” And they’d all go, ‘You’re meant to be past this,’ and I’m not exactly. To that extent I’m not a dead, inert piece of rubbish, I’m still human. He’s wonderful.” She met Richard Madden, the Bodyguard actor, at a wedding. “I hadn’t really registered who he was, but I remember thinking, ‘Who’s that enormously handsome man?’ He was very charming, but I only met him in passing.

“I clocked him, and certainly saw him on TV. Fantastic! I love talent, you see. I don’t want to sound as if I’m a groupie, but if someone is a brilliant actor, it’s tremendously moving, or a painter, or musician. I love the quality that people bring to concentration when they’re not concentrating on me. I quite like lovers concentrating on me, but when they’re concentrating on what they’re doing, I watch with fascination. The creative impulse is enormously attractive in other people, and it brings out something in you, calls for a response, doesn’t it?”

Among the many paintings on the walls, there is one of her by the Scottish artist John Bellany and she must have inspired poetry, surely? But no. “Harold wrote Betrayal, but that was long after our affair was over, and drew on all that information, but it wasn’t to me because he was married to Antonia [Fraser]. Antonia wrote me a very nice letter saying, ‘It’s a very strong play, you mustn’t be upset by it.’ ” That was generous-hearted of her, I say. “Well, we were all friends,” Bakewell states, matter-of-factly. “In the papers it all looked like strange people were offending each other, but that wasn’t the case at all.”

She regards her Sky series (which she calls Bake Off with paint — “People get really hooked on it” — and presents with the actor Stephen Mangan) as a wonderful late godsend. “It has transformed my life.” Her first co-presenter was the comedian Frank Skinner. “In fact, I went to the opera with him last night, we’ve become good friends. He really loves opera and so do I, and I don’t have any close friends who do, so I can say, ‘Hey, Frank, I’ve got tickets!’”

Bakewell has two children, Matthew and Harriet, and six grandchildren. But last year, after 53 years, she decided to sell the house that had been the family home. “The stairs were getting more than I could cope with, and it was too big for me. It was a huge undertaking, a voyage of Ulysses. They say it’s as bad as divorce.” Everything that happened in her adult life had happened while she was living there: “But closing the door on the last day, the family were all there, helping, but we were all too exhausted for it to be poignant.”

Despite the upheaval of moving into the mews house, she is enjoying it. “I’ve embarked on creating something new. The first night I thought, ‘This is the future, I’ve made the right decision.’ I’m going to stay here for ever, I’m not going anywhere else.

“And I knew when you’re 85 you’re going to have to think about when illness strikes. There’s a small bedsit upstairs, which I’ve kitted out with a little oven and a fridge and things, and that’s where the carer will be. It’s a guest room now, but I’m ready.” A care home, even a good one with string quartets and lectures and outings, is, she says, not going to suit her.

“Knowing yourself is probably the secret, isn’t it? I’m enormously convivial, but I like to come home and just be peaceful. Be on my own. It’s in my character to do what I want with my life, say yes to the good things. And life is good. I’m due to have new hearing aids, and I’ve got a metal hip and I’ve got arthritis, and I wear glasses. I mean, it’s falling apart slowly, but I do believe in holding the bits together.

“I don’t look too far ahead, as the route’s getting shorter. What’s next is to concentrate on the things that I enjoy, and if I’m asked to do work, to do it to the best of my ability, to enjoy my friends and family. Enjoy this place I’ve created, getting the garden planted. I’m hoping to take up two new things I’ve never done before: gardening and birdwatching. My daughter has already got me a bird bath. So when I’m really old I shall sit at this window — it slides right open — and watch the birds. I shall grow lots of herbs. New skills. There’s still time, you know. Plenty of people get to 100 years old.”

JOAN BAKEWELL’S PERFECT WEEKEND

Caribbean cruise or skiing in Verbier? Oh, Caribbean cruise

Favourite tipple? A good brandy

Signature dish? Liver and capers, my children’s favourite

Last person you texted? My daughter, we text most days

I couldn’t get through the weekend without . . . Going to a movie. I like the Curzon in Bloomsbury, such an attractive place

Portrait Artist of the Year is on Sky Arts on Tuesdays at 8pm

[fuck-customers]

This is going to be a bit lengthy, and even though it was a small purchase and only a few bucks, I caught a scammer and im proud of myself. Plus the whole thing was insanely extra and annoying so I’m just gonna share it with you.

So onto the story…

Last night I was working a closing shift. Around 8 (2 hours before closing), a woman and her son come up to my register to check out. At this point there are no other customers. She has 12 red mangoes, and that’s all.

I go to ring them up but halfway through me typing the produce code for them, she asks, “these are the ones that are $3 for $1, right?” So I pause mid-code type, change it to a price inquiry, type it in, and inform her, “errr, no, they'e 88 cents a piece.”

Sooo… here’s where it gets good. We’ll refer to my coworker in produce by the name “Richard”. It is extremely important to note that Richard always wears a black company hat while on the clock. Next to no one else does this.

She tells me, “well Richard over there in produce said they were 3 for $1.”

Okay… at the time I wasn’t really thinking about it, but looking back I think my subconsious kicked in and smelled something fishy. Here in good old Colorado, and at my store, mangoes are never 3 for $1 unless we’re having one of our special 3 day sales… in the summer. They haven’t been that cheap in I don’t know how long, and my 2 year anniversary is in February, so I’ve been there long enough to know about that. Additionally, There’s been no other customers coming up with complaints about the price, which if it’s wrong, mangoes are popular, so I would have heard about it by now. And it was the last day of our weekly ad cycle so, what even?

So as a recap - at this point, I have a woman and her son at my register, claiming the mangoes are 3 for $1, and she’s specifically using an employee’s name to convince me she’s right, but I am doubtful. Already the beginning of a good scam story, right?

Well, here’s where it gets even better. Let me tell you how our conversation went.

Her: Richard in produce said I could have them for 3 for 1.

Me: err, okay well let me call and see.

Richard (over the phone): hello?

Me: hey, man, so what’s going on with the mangoes? Like, What price are they back there?

Richard: um… 88 cents. Wait… let me double check and look at organics too hold on.

Me: okay. *puts down phone and turns to woman* well, he’s saying they’re 88 cents a piece as well but he’s double checking.

Her: well I just talked to Richard back there a minute ago! Richard told me that I could have them 3 for $1. He was wearing a hat! Richard told me that was the price!

Richard (calling me back on the phone): yeah the regular ones are 88 cents. Organic 98.

Me: and there’s no sign anywhere that says 3 for 1? I have a woman up here saying that you said she could have them at 3 for a dollar. 

Richard: ..no? They'e 88 cents.

Her: Richard back in produce told me!

Me, knowing I was speaking to Richard but asks anyway: right uh.. is this Richard?

Richard: yeah..?

Me: well there’s a woman up here claiming that YOU told her that the mangoes were 3 for a dollar.

Richard, annoyed: is it (brief description of woman at my register)?

Me: yes.

Richard: I saw her in my department but she didn’t speak to me. I haven’t talked to anyone. I’ve been on lunch for the last half hour.

Me: okay, thank you. *sets phone back down, turns, faces woman, and looks her right in her eyes*

So I just got off of the phone with Richard, and he says that he didn’t tell you that, and that he’s been on lunch for the last half hour.

— so at this point she seems to understand that her scam isn’t working, but refuses to back down. At this point in getting a line but I’m INVESTED in this at this point, and there’s nothing I can really do at this point anyways because she won’t back down, so i am stuck there while she changes her scam from “Richard in produce told me” to now we are at -

Her: *turning towards the store and looking around* well it must have been somebody else then!! Who was it? I know he had a hat…

Me: …right well, Richard is our produce manager, sooooo….

She begins scanning the store for employees to pin this on, but hilariously, since she picked 8pm on a Tuesday night, the store is practically a ghost town void of both customers AND employees. Literally the only other employee that she can see besides me and Richard is a guy working in the meat department back room behind a glass wall.

Now, the thing is, is that the meat guys basically never leave their area, and they don’t rove the floor either as right next to the meat counter there are double doors leading to the back room. While they do face produce, they’re not exactly close to it. They have a coffin case in between them, and the doors for the back room that produce uses are literally on the opposite side of the store that meat counter is.

To her credit, I think the woman knew that trying to pin it on the meat guy, Who actually conveniently was wearing the same color and type of hat as Richard was, was ridiculous and wouldn’t have made any sense because she didn’t try to blame him for this. So not as stupid as you’d think, but still pretty questionable.

Anyways, I feel like at this point ive done all I can do, and she STILL won’t leave or accept me all but calling her a liar (all over wanting to pay $4 for almost $11 worth of mangoes, like really lady if you'e gonna pull a scam do it for something that’s WORTH IT), so i call the manager on duty.

However, I was trying to get to the MOD before this woman did, because in MY EXPERIENCE scammers and liars will absolutely talk and walk all over you as soon as a manager shows up and lie to their face - and unfortunately managers always believe the lies and get away with it. I knew if I was able to explain the situation first, it would be different - given that my current manager WILL bend rules, but is also known to stick up for us cashiers.

Luckily, I spot her pushing a cart down an action alley towards us, so I book it over and explain everything as fast as I can. At the end i say, “but you know, She’s…” my manager tries to finish, “She’s being rude?” But I reply, “She’s lying is what she’s doing. She’s lying.” And my manager says “oh, okay. Call (supervisor) up here to deal with the lines.” So I do, as at this point we had accumulated a long one.

So she walks up and asks this woman what’s going on, and in the SNOTTIEST, RUDEST tone she says, “Who are you?” It kind of surprised me because at this point while the scammer was being mind numbingly annoying, she had been reasonably polite, so for her to get so hostile over a manager kind of surprised me, but at this point, thank god, said manager was in charge and dealing with it now.

I took care of a few other customers while they were talking, and as soon as my line was done i excused myself and hung out by my supervisors register, which happened to be close enough to listen but far away enough to not be involved.

And I can hear what they'e saying - my manager having been informed of the scam, is holding firm on the 88 cent price, and the woman, for some unfathomable reason, is still insistent on the price. I think at this point she knew she was caught and was trying to leave gracefully by making it seem like a mistake, but it was really annoying.

Her: it must have been in the online ad.. unless the online ad is wrong.

Manager: they haven’t been that price for a while, MAYBE it was like that 2 weeks ago… (so not in any recent ad she might have “gotten confused” about.)

Even better was that… now, I didn’t find this out until afterwards as my supervisor started to ask me what was going on and since I was explaing it I didn’t hear this part of the drama… but my manager came up to me afterwards after she was done talking to the woman, that apparently the woman switched tactic again, never mentioned Richard, and instead said that she had called the store and asked about the price and whoever was on the phone, was now the magical entity that told her the mythical price of 3 for $1

Absolutely fucking hilariously, said manager said that she had gotten a call like that, answered it herself, and knew for a fact that she did not tell this woman they were 3 for a dollar.

Fucking OH MY GOD WOMAN, you got caught! It’s been obvious for the past 10 minutes that you'e not fleecing any of us! You can save yourself the most dignity by just… FUCKING OFF!

The whole thing was super obnoxious, but handle-able and im proud of myself for sticking to my guns and glad that my manager backed me up and stood firm, as orginally, before i said that the woman was lying, she started telling me to just give them to her for that price. So it was nice that she took me seriously and stood her (our) ground.

The only frustrating thing is that since I have borderline personality disorder… I’m not afraid of confrontation by any means (obviously) but sometimes my body overreacts to my emotion as well. So while I was keeping a cool and level head on the outside (believe it or not) my body was giving me away… my face was flushing, my voice was uneven, my body became stiff and weird and gangly, on top of shaking… too much adrenaline. But other than that I’m happy on how it worked out. Luckily I think my supervisor saw I was a bit jittery and sent me on my break to cool off.

And may I also say, that there’s few other customers that I hate as much as ones who name drop when the person they’re naming didn’t do what they claim they did. Richard seemed mad but cool and collected.. I know if someone did that to me like she did to him I would be stomping over and being like “she said WHAT now? No I did NOT!!!!!!” Back tf up. But that’s just another reason I don’t wear my name tag… can’t use my name if it’s not broadcasted!

But anyways kids, just keep in mind that name dropping is actually a really common way of scamming, it gives the illusion that they really did talk to someone when they didn’t. So it never hurts to double check with that person.