#i saw obscura vent in medbay

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Ain't got no one to complain to about this irl so y'all have to listen to me kvetch: I am getting really tired of my sister acting like I'm sitting over here dying of laziness and refusing to take care of myself just because I've reached a baseline sick where I'm actually happy but not living up to her mental image of a Good Disabled. Quite frankly I would rather spend my limited energy on things that make me happy rather than chasing some new hypothetical treatment that won't - can't - even fix me. Why should I make myself miserable to achieve these arbitrary markers of healthy that I'm not even interested in achieving?? I'm not choosing to die, I'm not even giving up on all treatment, I'm just satisfied with the balance I've fought this long to acquire!

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This is a really stupid rant but I am so TIRED of posting about art or my struggles with it and having old self-centered white ladies reply that they wish they had my ~talent~ GIRL ME TOO!! I know you think it's a compliment but it's not, actually!! I did not come out the womb holding an apple pencil believe it or not! My art skills have been one of my biggest insecurities my whole life because I was born into a creative family *but did not have a natural affinity for it.* My sister effortlessly churned out expressive paintings in preschool and everything I drew looked like the lifeless calculations of the world's most boring serial killer, okay?

I have reached my level of intermediate competence by clawing for every scrap of progress and practicing as much as my disease-ridden body would allow and studying techniques of artists far better than myself, and I didn't even get there until I was TWENTY SIX! I've only been "good" at art for less than three years and I still hate half of what I turn out but I keep going because everything in this world is learnable.

And this isn't even touching on the fact that I have face blindness and aphantasia!! By all accounts I SHOULDN'T be any good at art for physical, tangible reasons. But you know what I did instead? I got into character design because that's what I wanted to do and I'm one stubborn son of a gun who doesn't have the sense to know when I'm licked!

I'm not talented. You don't have to be talented. This isn't those freakin Tinkerbell movies. Even if you're a self-absorbed woman in late middle age who likes to blame all your problems on outside forces, I promise you with every fiber of my contrarian body, what you're born with doesn't have to dictate what you do.

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Y'know what's really annoying? Instead of going Victorian pale when I'm about to collapse my face goes beet red for some reason. Like why does my body consistently have to pick the most embarrassing option??

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I am so TIRED of not being able to complain about my stupid baka family just because they don't suck as much as everyone else's!!!!

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I get so tired of standing in manual mode all y'all with functioning connective tissue and core muscles don't know how good you got it

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Got some feedback that was a little more critical than I expected (constructive but critical) and I'm actually physically ill. Like my stomach is having sharp ulcer type pains. I am aware I'm being a big baby and tomorrow I will be a grown-up but dadGUM I'd love if my body could stop overreacting to every little stressor

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Sometimes I get to doubting myself and thinking eh I can't be *that* disabled but:

Normal people do not have to sit down in the shower

Normal people do not freak out if they forget to leave their phone next to the shower because what if they pass out in there (for that matter normal people do not prefer to keep a water bottle by the shower in case they need emergency fluids)

Normal people do not keep a bucket beside their bed in case they wake up too sick to move

Normal people do not sleep 12+ hours per day (more than half their life!!) and wake up tired

Normal people can work at jobs outside their house

Normal people do not have to overthink about every move they make and every tiniest decision just to stay at a baseline of stability. Normal people do not use a pulse oximeter as a fidget toy or mobility aids as fashion statements. Normal people get to simply live.

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Lost my family-griping friend this year so y'all get to hear me grumble about them again

They're vacationing an hour and a half down the road from where we're vacationing this week. Want to meet for dinner. Ask when we want to meet. We say 7. They say we can only do 4:30. I say so why did they ask. My sister tells me to shut up. I say I didn't even want to do this in the first place, some consideration of the people making the most compromise would be nice. My sister gets mad at me.

I don't want my whole day to be just one crappy family dinner where everyone is rude to me and doesn't give a toss about what I want but I guess that makes me a horrible selfish person and God forbid I get annoyed by all of it when I'm exhausted and in pain and *this* close to a meltdown before any of this discussion started

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Imma be honest chat I'm not sure what I'm doing it all for

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Lost my one writing friend this year (not that they cared that much about my writing but they were good to bounce ideas off of), finding out now that my local writing group isn't doing Nanowrimo (which I fully support on account of the grooming and the "rejecting ai is ableist" nonsense, but now I don't have that motivation either). Even if they try to get something together for November, realistically I know it will never be as organized or as big as nano, especially since the main admin isn't even writing anymore. Writing twitter is and always was a dumpster fire and I refuse to go back to twitter on principle. I can't seem to find any community on here. I can't even turn to fandom friends because I write original stuff and not fanfic. My bestie, bless her, tries her best to cheer me on but she isn't a writer.

All that to say it's getting really demoralizing to write into the void, y'all. And I miss talking about it. And I'm pissed off that something that used to be good went the way of tech company enshittification and ruined itself.

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Calmly and collectedly removing all my jewelry so I can punch the wall hard enough to break my hand because the mower cut down my rosebush I've been cultivating from a root. Again.

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Hey in case no one told you today, mobility aids are rad as hell. That is all

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Look I think boobies are as rad as the next guy but it's getting old being subjected to them by the bots. Especially knowing there are actual people getting kicked off here for photos that don't remotely break community guidelines

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You would think a creative writing group would be the last bastion of safety against AI but noooo my regional nano discord has not only invited the vampire inside but affectionately named it Frederick

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I swear I am going to throw my extended family in a lake of fire and brimstone

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Stg I get so tired of being asexual sometimes not because I wish I was some other orientation but because of the way the world at large and dare I say it the queer community treats us. Sorry for not having sex or being uncomfortable when people bring it up I guess. Sorry for platonic relationships or ships being not just my most important but sometimes my only. Sorry for being too queer for the straights and not queer enough for everyone else. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry (but I'm really not).