#i saw get scared when i was like 14. i met the lead singer (the normal one not the uh. well we dont talk about joel!)

[zillyeh]

continuing to look at that image is harming me

[freewalkerstudio]

I find the intersections of cultures interesting, specifically the intersections of cultures we are born into and the cultures in which we choose to participate. These chosen cultures may speak to us on many levels, be they emotional, intellectual or even subconscious. We may not know why we are drawn to something but we feel an innate pull to be involved. The free will of humans leads to the most interesting combinations of birth and chosen cultures, which furthers the breadth of manifested identities in the world. Because of my own life experience, I decided to investigate other people of color who choose to be artists and identify as alternative, goth or punk.

During this project I had the privilege to meet, photograph and interview some stellar human beings. People who are unafraid and unapologetic about their artistic choices in this world. I am so inspired by each and every one of you. Thank you for being you and giving me a glimpse into your world.

Ashley - “I just do what I think is fun!”

I met Ashley Norman at school, I remember the day well. She had on a really bright outfit and her makeup was weird and fun. She had drawn wispy lines around her eyes in white eyeliner, like an abstract Picasso portrait – each eye different than the other. I thought it was so unique and I was impressed by her call to push her style in a different direction than her peers. When I met back up with Ashley recently, I asked her, what was her inspiration and the pull to identify as an alternative artist? She said only this: “I just do what I think is fun!” Ashley said she is also inspired by her diverse background. For her, being Black, Korean and Dominican gives her much to pull from historically and artistically.

Selena - “I think the hardest part was me finding my tribe, my kindred spirits. You can’t always spot someone who is alternative all the time, just by looking at them. Sometimes it’s highly internalized and you would never know.”

Selena is an illustrator, whose artwork is centered around themes of alchemy and the occult. She expressed that her drawings of demon girls with detached limbs, reflected her inner feelings of being disconnected from her identity sometimes. I asked her when she started to identify as alternative and for her it was in middle school when she realized that music was so important to her but that she felt little connection to Rap and Hip Hop. “It’s kinda like, when you’re Black, you kinda assume that you’re supposed to like these things, and you kinda do, but…it doesn’t feel like it clicks. Whereas for me rock and alternative music clicked for me, I was more able to relate to the subjects in the songs. I was 14, rap music was not helping me cope with what I’m going through. With Rock, we are talking about anger, feelings, things I could better connect with. From there on out I wore all black and listened to My Chemical Romance.”

Roxas - “It’s totally 100% possible to thrive and be yourself.”

Roxas Timmons was my classmate at LaGuardia in the photo program. I remember the first day I saw them and thinking how committed they were to their style. As I got to know Roxas over the past two years, I have learned of their interesting origin story growing up in the conservative Midwest. Roxas likes to be fluid in their identity and although they mostly identify as goth, they also enjoy dressing as a clown, a ghost, punk, alternative and anything in between. They talked a lot about how music and fashion influences their photography, which is primarily driven by self-portraits. They recounted how they started dressing alternative little by little in high school and after graduating, fully went for it. “I meet a lot of people who always say to me ‘I wish I could dress like that’. I want people to know that they can. They can have a successful career and make their way in the world dressing like this.”

Jacqs - “The art that I give to the world is my self expression. Serving looks.“

Much like many of the people I interviewed for this project, Jacqueline Chavois is a total stranger to me. Stumbling across her Instagram account, I was immediately struck by her incredible style and the collections in her house, where she regularly photographs herself. I asked her about her split tongue and why she would choose to make such a drastic choice of body modification. “I feel like it connects me to my African ancestry because the body modifications – these painful rites of passage, I feel that my African ancestors were doing that. It annoys me when it’s seen as only a White thing. Definitely has indigenous, African, tribal roots.”

Shola - “The aesthetic I want to give off is to live that best version of myself and let it be reflected in the work that I do.”

Shola Aurora is a first generation Nigerian singer-songwriter, born and raised in New York City. He performs an hybrid of rock, metal, and industrial goth music. He is heavily influenced by Japanese culture, having traveled to Japan several times. Anime, video games and Japanese fashion are all major inspirations and play out in his artistic choices. I interviewed him in Saint Marks Place, an area where he was able to truly express himself as a young man growing into his identity. Shola talked about how he came to his own style by being exposed to Visual K, a Japanese branch of glam metal. “Visual K showed me that performing is more than just getting up there and singing a song, you can create a world or an experience. It inspired me to live the best version of myself that I could. It left my mind open in terms of what I was interested in doing. As someone who grew up in Brooklyn in the hood, as a black male, the idea of doing feminine things or wearing makeup is unheard of. It took a lot of personal growth for me to break through to that side of myself.”

Xero - “Everyone needs a little bit of fantasy.”

Xero Gravity is a 24 year old biracial Black/Jewish cosplayer and digital content creator who centers herself around diversity and inclusion in the horror and sci-fi realms. I asked her to speak about why these genres are so important to her. “I feel horror is the best lens through which to look at society’s fears as a whole. What people are scared of at a certain time says a lot about what people are going through. When you look at the history of horror, it doesn’t really look good for Black and Brown people like us. We have a very complicated history with the horror genre. I always bring the discussion of horror and Blackness back to Birth of a Nation, the first feature film. It features a white woman in ‘peril’ being hunted by a white man in blackface. Woodrow Wilson screened this in the White House and endorsed it as factually correct. At the end the ‘black man” is hunted down and killed by the KKK, putting the KKK in a favorable light. No one talks about how this is the scariest film ever if you’re a Black person.”

Uny - “My art is fashion. My art is clothes, my art is expression. The way I dress is a total expression of the way I view my world through my lens.”

Unyquee Loretta Ortiz is a seamstress and cosplayer who identifies as Black and Latinx. Born and raised in the Bronx, she spoke about how her heritage plays into her stylistic choices.  “I often wear a lot of African prints because I want to be connected to Africa in the best way that I can do it. I was raised around my Latinx culture so I go out of my way to make my Black heritage more visual. A lot of people don’t look at me and see Latinx because my skin isn’t as fair or olive, but I feel very connected to that side of myself because I grew up around it. Sometimes I think people tend to push that aside and want it to not be there because of how I look.”

[blackevermore]

x Wade In The Water

{ Chapter 6: Send My Blessing, Dear Child }

Summary: Ester Scott was once in love. She thought the days of her shortcomings were over and that the man she found was her one and only. But all that was taken away when the demons she had became too accustomed to finally took the one thing she had left. Louisiana was her home but the devil down below was calling her name. She only has herself to blame when it came to the hands dragging her under.

Notes: It’s Hazbin Hotel, be ready for everything. Also I apologize for all my mistakes in advance!

Word Count: 3,814

Angels for me will scare me with sharp teeth and many eyes. Angels for you will be of old loves and kiss you cheek.  Both of our angels are righteous, both of our angels are kind. 

- Ester R. Scott

It had been weeks since I saw the devil and his company. Nor had I seen the angels and their haunting eyes. One would think I’d feel more at ease not having someone watch me. But silence was the enemy, silence told you danger was coming before the skin crawling realization of danger was there. Every night before bed, before telling mama goodnight, I looked out the windows and waited to see something. Anything. But nothing was ever there and the disappointment paranoia that rested in my stomach grew.

Chemintine seemed to become catty with my neighbours who welcomed her with opened arms. That was good considering the impression she made when she first got here. They almost thought she fell off the bus and bumped her head, once she explained what was happening she came a causal. There were still some that didn’t like her being here. Said she would cause problems and bring someone else to come and cause bigger problems. There was no point in trying to change their mind, their fear was real just like everyone else here. The last time white folk stumbled into our neighbourhood we had to lock the doors. I was ten when I saw someone being drug down the street and never seen again.  So I tell Clementine to just be the nicest she could be and have the same manners she would have if she met the queen. 

She found it silly. I found it life saving.

“Will you be bring that friend of yours to church tomorrow, Ester?” Miss Bouchard asked me. Today I was helping one of the elderly ladies in the neighborhood with mending her clothes. When I wasn’t at the shop with a task list, I was out and out sewing and mending and caring for those around me. The best I could do when they took care of me when mama passed. Miss Bouchard was a fine woman of only 72 who was like a meme to me. I could tell in her youth was a firecracker that should have left Louisiana. She always kept her hair in tight pin curls with a headwrap tied in bows. As a child I could never tell if her chunky jewelry was real or if it was fake. I wasn’t sure it mattered since she always looked amazing. She never had a husband or children so her freedom was higher than anyone else. Mama would tell me she was nothing but a party girl, so much so every night she would stumble home with her girlfriends arms linked together still singing. Then in the morning she would still out in her robe with said friend nursing herself with coffee. No matter what though Miss Bouchard never missed a day of church, how could she when she was the lead singer in the choir. Now that I’m older I realize those women were never really her friends.

“I don’t think so ma’am, Chemintine isn’t much for church.” I smiled politely and  continued to fold the bed sheets into a tight pile.

“You don’t have to be church folk to come to church. You just have to have an open mind and a free spirit.”

“Oh I’m sure Chemintine is all that and maybe more.” I chuckled to myself and Miss Bouchard tsked at me and I could help but laugh a little more. I finished the bed sheets and moved on to her shirts on her drying line.

“Be nice to that girl. I’ve seen many of her and she’s nothing but a sweet darling.”

“She’s mighty sweet. I’m just not sure if she’ll like it.”

“Have you asked her?”

“No ma’am.”

“Then don’t assume things. The worst thing you can do to another person is assume how they would feel or how they will act. You know better.” It wasn’t much of a scolding but I knew Miss Bouchard meant. All my life so far was a bunch of assuming, a lot of my mama’s life was, and I sure so way Miss Bouchard.

“I’m sorry ma’am.” I gave my apology and she shook her head and sighed.

“Bring the girl and let her see for herself if that’s somewhere she wouldn’t mind going.” Miss Bouchard waved her hand over to me to hand her a shirt and I did. We sat in silence for the rest of the folding till I eventually got up to put everything away. I said my goodbyes and moved on to the next house. My mornings were filled so I wouldn’t be home till the afternoon. 

“Finally you make it home! I was starting to think you went off to work for the whole day.” Chemintine greeted me at the door with a hug and I shooed her off.  She helped me out my coat and took my bag to place on the dining table. “This is what you do every weekend? Is this way you never go out?”

“I do this every so often, it's about giving back to those that helped you. I wouldn’t be here without these folks ‘round here.” I told her and she smiled sweetly.

“Ester, you really are a caring person. I had no idea this was your life.”

“Well I don’t go around talking about it, I preferred if I could keep some things to myself. Mama always said you never want people to be all up in ya business. Because then they’ll start trying to give you advice that won’t work.” Chemintine laughed and went off to the kitchen. 

Mama was right though, a private life was safer than a public one. Even in the conditions we faced. Mama never told anyone where my father ran off to when they asked. Nor did she tell them why she stayed here in Louisiana when everyone else in our family left. She would just sit quietly and allow them to make up whatever story suited their narrative and corrected them only when it was necessary. She told me to never go around like the other black kids bragging about what we had or what we didn’t have at school. At that point you were asking for someone to rob you blind.

I kick off my shoes and pull my legs under me on the small worn down couch and relax against the comfortable back, “Chemintine?”

“Yes Ester?” The blonde stuck her head out from the kitchen arch way.

“They would like to know if you will come to church tomorrow.”

“A-Am I allowed?” Chemintine was hesitant and a bit scared.

“Do you want to?”

“I’ve thought about it. I see you get ready in the morning and when you leave I can see everyone else leaving their houses and they look mighty fine all dolled up. Then I hear yall singing coming home. I wanna sing coming home.” Chemintine smiled bashfully when she finished.

“Then when I say get up and get ready tomorrow I don’t wanna hear ya complaining about nothing.” I rolled my eyes and got up to go to the bathroom. Every morning during the week was a struggle to get Chemintine up for work. I have no idea how she managed on her own back at her daddy’s house. Luckily it didn’t take long for her to snap into action once she was up, it was only getting her out of bed that was the issue.

“I’se be ready! Be kind to me, Ester.” I could help but stop when she said those words to me. Everytime I teased her she said that to me as if I never was. I could tell when she was going to say it by now. Be kind to me. Be kind to me and I’ll always be kind to you. A very powerful saying.

Every Time since I told Chemintie about the angels she’s come to my bedroom door with her dress balled in her hands and her toes crossed over each other. Her messy blonde hair up in rollers and her sharp eyes staring right through me. Every time she would have a question rattling in her mind and I’d wait patiently for her to ask me. ‘Ester are they here’ and I would answer ‘they were until they heard you coming’ or ‘not tonight, Chemintine’ and she walked away a bit upset that she couldn’t be there with them. Tonight was no different as she stood in my door waiting for my attention.

“Chemintine, why do you want to know if the angels are here?” I finally had to ask her. She became so red in the face as she was placed on the spot. She started to twist the end of her nightie into knots as she stumbled back and forth a bit.

“It’s dumb, you’ll laugh at me.” Chemintine said, lowering her head in shame. I patted the space next to me for her to take and she slowly walked over.

“I won’t laugh at you.” I told her in a comforting voice, there was nothing she could really say that would make me laugh at her. Unless she started asking if angels were connected to love then maybe I’d snicker.

“Ya promise?”

“I promise, now what is it?”

“Since you can see them, and I believe you can, I was wondering if when I stand in front of you, you would see my grandma. She died when I was 14 and she always told me she be with me. I miss her so much right now.” Chemintine sighed and looked at me with a defeated look. I shook my head and took her hand in mine and rubbed circles on her thumb.

“I don’t need to see the angels to know you’re grandma is watching over you. Passed loved ones are always watching.”

“Are the angels around you actually your mama?”

“No, I wish one of them was but they ain’t. Mama is resting her feet with a drink in hand and I know it.” I chuckled and that seemed to knock the cloud off from over Chemintine’s head. 

“I hope grandma Gogo is enjoying her music in a garden up there. She used to plant the prettiest daisies. That’s what my name was going to be, Daisy Eve Evans.” Chemintine did jazz hands in the air like magic fell from her fingers.

“Well who named you Chemintine?” I had to ask, I had to know who couldn’t spell Clemintine correctly and cursed this poor girl.

“My daddy, he named me after some hag from the family that came from France.” I pity that damn fool. “It’s a real name ya know, it’s the wrong spelling but for some reason people kept using it. I don’t really like my name.” 

“Oh,” I was speechless a bit, I always thought she wasn’t aware of it. Silly me for assuming, Miss Bouchard was right. “Why don’t you change it?”

“I am, or I was when I got up to New York, I was going to become Daisy as I should have been.” Chemintine face said it all, she had a dream and one day it was going to come true.

“I’ll call you Daisy if you want.”

“No.”

“No?”

“Not right now, I want to get out of here first, make a life of my own and then I’ll be Daisy. Daisy is a woman’s name and I’m nothing but a girl at the moment. I’m not like you Ester.” I narrowed my eyes and cocked an eyebrow at the comment and Chemintine stopped me from saying anything before she could finish. “You were born Ester, you seemed like you were wise ever since you were born. You had the old soul of a woman, never a little girl.” I thought about it a moment then shook my head. If only she knew about all the nights I cried myself to sleep or ran to my mama for comfort because the dark scared me. Sometimes the dark still got the best of me and I found myself hiding under my blankets. 

“Well when we get up there I’ll make sure I’ll say ya name right, Miss Daisy.” I smile and nudge Chemintine’s shoulder and she smiled. She got up and said good night and walked towards the living room. Before I headed to bed myself I looked around my room. As always there was no sight of angels, pity, I would have loved to tell Chemintine there was. 

}~~{

Before the sun was shining through my bedroom window Chemintine was waking me up for breakfast. I could care less where she got the food from as long as my stomach was full and a cup of tea was ready for me. As we sat and ate I read her a passage of the bible which was something mama would do before we got ready. Within an hour it was time to get dressed and leave. Chemintine beamed as she put on her best dress and did her hair. When I finally made it to the living room with my shoes in hand and my overcoat, Chemintine was sitting up on the couch clenching her purse. 

“You okay?” I asked her as I sat beside her and slipped on my heels.

“You sure this is okay? No one will be mad I showed up are they?” Chemintine swallowed hard.

“Some might but not everyone, as I told you before just smile and nod and stay with me.”

“Smile and nod, got it.” When I was ready we headed out the door and down the street. Buses didn’t come on Sundays so walking was the only way to get to and from, luckily no one had to go to the city. When we made it to the church the first bell started ringing which signaled everyone to come in. A few old faces greeted me and when they saw Chemintine behind me they rushed to greet her. They asked her all the times you would ask an old friend and then some. As I waited for the old ladies to leave Chemintine alone with the promise she came by for dinner, I noticed the few sour faces watching from the side. They turned up their noses and held their bags close to them. Some even held their children close to their side so they could come over. Finally I had enough and walked over to pull my friend along.

“Come on now, Chemintine, we have to take our seat.” I smiled sweetly to the olders and excused us so we could get a seat in the front. I knew I wouldn’t be able to have my normal seat in the middle now that Chemintine was with me. So sitting with the elderly was our best bet and a good chance Chemintine wouldn’t notice people staring at her. As service began I was quickly drowning it out with my thoughts. Even when I tried to pay attention I couldn’t and I caught myself staring out the window to the old fields around the church. A few times Chemintine would poke me to ask if I was alright and I would quickly nod and face forward. But with every word the pastor said I turned my head back towards the windows.

“I see today we have a visitor. Would you mind standing and telling us your name?” The pastor called out in the middle of a recession while he thanked everyone for coming. I snapped back to reality as I felt Chemintine start to shake from nervousness. She slowly rose to her feet and I quickly held out my hand for her to grab for comfort.

“Morning church, my name is Chemintine Evans, I’m Ester’s guest for today.” Chemintine tried to smile but it was hard as she tried to keep her cool. Now she understood what it was like to be the only one of your skin color in a room full of others. Only difference was she wouldn’t get beat for breathing.

“Welcome Chemintine, we are happy to have you, everyone could you give a warm welcome for our guest?” The room quickly filled with clapping and “welcome” from people around us. Soon the pastor rose his hand to silence the room so he could speak again. “Chemintine is there anything you would like to say this beautiful Sunday morning?”

“I-I would like to thank Ester for taking me in. Things aren’t going very well at the moment but Ester was a true friend to me and allowed me to stay with her.” Chemintine shook my hand and pulled me forward to stand with her which earned us a few claps. “I’ve only known her for a few years but she’s been nothing but kind to me. Nothing but truthful and teaches me everyday and I want to be able to be just like that as I continue on. Ester is a real friend.”

“Sister Scott, thank you for doing god’s work, he has truly blessed you with a heart so kind and so open. I pray that the both of you will be blessed with god’s righteous path.” Every clapped once again and this time when I looked at Chemintine she seemed more at ease. We quickly mouth thank you and sat back down and for the rest of the serves I could finally pay attention. But beside me, outside the window, I could feel someone watching in and I could tell it was someone good.

After church Chemintine was once again surrounded by church folk asking her questions. Knowing them they were trying to find gossip but with a white girl like Chemintine all they would find was a dreamful country girl. As I waited by the end of the stairs I saw Miss Bouchard slowly walking towards me with a flower in hand.

“Morning Miss Bouchard, did you have a good service?” I asked

“Indeed I did, I’m happy you brought Chemintine with you, she’s a breath of fresh air. Reminds me of an old friend I had long ago who smiled just like that.” Miss Bouchard chuckled then handed me the flower. I took it and noticed it was a white daisy freshly picked from some garden. The church hadn’t had a garden in years so I had no idea where Miss Bouchard could have gotten it unless she held on to it all morning.

“Is this for Chemintine?” I asked gently tucking the flower into my elbow to hold it.

“It is, something told me she would need a flower so I brought one.” Miss Bouchard pointed towards the sky and for a moment my heart skipped a beat. Could it be?

“I’ll make sure to give it to her, Miss Bouchard.”

“Thank you, have a fine day Ester.”

“You too ma’am.” I waved goodbye and watched as the old woman made her way down the street. As I watched her I saw something faint form next to her and when it became less foggy I saw a woman with blonde hair waving goodbye as well. I watched the apparition closely and as she turned around to look at me I thought it was Chemintine. The apparition smiled towards me then looked back towards Miss Bouchard as the women grew small in the distance, then vanished. This was the first time I’ve seen what I believed to be a ghost. First it were angels, then it was the devil, now it was a ghost with faces like my friend. What was next?

“Ester?” Chemintine pulled gently on my jacket to get my attention. “I’ve been calling for ya. Are you okay?”

“O-oh yeah I’m fine. I was just making sure Miss Bouchard got on safely. She’s getting older and I know one day she won't be able to make the walk from her house to here.” It was completely a lie, just not the whole truth, but Chemintine didn’t need to know that.

“That’s really sweet of you, Ester. Are you ready to go?”

“I am, by the way Miss Bouchard wanted me to give this to you.” I gave the daisy to Chemintine and her eyes went wide. She smiled hard and took the flower and tucked it into her hair.

“See, I told ya, daisies are beautiful, ain’t it!” She spun around and I nodded as we started to walk away from the church steps. Chemintine was as happy as could be as she skipped ahead of me talking about all the people she met. She told me she wouldn;t mind going to church if it was with me. I told her she was welcome anytime as long as she didn’t promise anyone we would come over for dinner.

“Be kind to her.” a voice whispered in my ear and I quickly whipped around to see the ghost from earlier standing beside me. Her voice was airy and light but felt welcoming. “Be kind to her, Ester.” The woman looked beyond me towards Chemintine who was now half way down the road. The woman began to age as a slight breeze blew past us. Her blonde hair turned white and her posture started to hunch over as her skin wrinkled. She still had the same eyes as she did before. 

“I will.” I whispered back and nodded as I began to catch up with Chemintine. I didn’t have to peak over my shoulder to know the woman was gone and it was only me and Chemintine walking.

“Chemintine?” I looked over to the blonde who was sitting on the ground reading the newspaper.

“Yes Ester?” She looked up towards me with raised brows and a soft smile.

“You’re grandmother was named Daisy, wasn’t she?”

“Why yes she was, Mrs Daisy Anne Evans, the sweetest woman of Spring, Texas. Raised ten kids all by herself when granddaddy fell into a river and drowned. Why’ya ask?” Chemintine put down her paper and scooted closer to the couch to rest her head against the frame as she looked up at me. I knew she was waiting for me to say something about the angels but I didn’t have to as she read my eyes. She reached up and touched the daisy in her hair before making to her feet and pulling me into a hug.

I patted her back as she cried and asked me to tell her grandma she loved her and missed her. I told her I didn’t have to because she already knew, all of our loved ones that passed knew.

“Tell her anyway, Ester.” Chemintine mumbled into my shoulder happily.

“Tell her yourself.” I chuckled. “I’m sure she can hear you.”

[ezilyamuzed]

Ten Years Gone- The Beginning

Description: Ten years ago, your world had changed. Ten years ago, you had met him, leading your life to never be the same again. Time is running out, but is it too late after all these years?

Word Count: 7775

Warnings: Language, Parent’s death, PG teen “cuddle” time. 

A/N: This is the prelude of a new series. I was listening to Led Zeppelin's ‘Ten Years Gone’ while watching the early episodes of Supernatural and got some ideas... Enjoy. 

Any grammatical mistakes are all my own, because I am human. Remember all comments and feedback are welcomed! If you want a tag in future posts regarding this series or other writings please send an ask! As always thank you for reading! Enjoy!   

TEN YEARS GONE MASTERLIST

*Picture and lyrics used are not mine. Led Zeppelin is Amazing.

Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be

Your legs were sprawled out along the back seat of your uncle’s ‘70 Chevelle as you hummed along to the guitar rhythm and stared out the window. The trees and scenery were whooshing past in a blink of an eye, but it all looked pretty much the same no matter where you were. The autumn quickly changing the leaves that were now falling to the ground. Trees, trees, dirt, and grass. Hey a rock. Sometimes you turned your sight seeing into a game to see how long you could stare out without blinking before you either got dizzy or your eyes dried out. Your record was to the second chorus of The Steve Miller Band’s “The Joker”. 

“We almost there? I gotta piss,” you whined up to the front. 

Your uncle Danny let out a laugh as he turned his head to the rear-view mirror to see your turnt up nose. 

“We’re about 5 minutes away. You can hold it until then. If not, I’m sure there is a bottle or something back there.”

Although he was not longer looking you still give him an evil glare in response.

“You know it doesn’t work like that Uncle Danny.”

“Well if you’re going to keep talking like a rude little boy instead of the proper lady like I know your momma raised you to be, I’m going to keep treating you like it,” he replied back, turning the radio down as he spoke.

“She tried. It didn’t stick,” you rolled your eyes in a humph.

“If only she could see you now. Hell, 14, starting up high school…”

“Yeah, how many schools will I go to this year? The standard 4 minimum?” you added with sarcasm.

“One, smartass,” you could see him smiling as he looked to you in the rear view mirror. “I’ve worked out a deal with a buddy of mine while I go on a business trip.”

“Ya hunting plants, fruits, vegetables, or minerals this time?” You laughed at your own dumb joke.

“Don’t you worry about that missy,” he replied. “You just keep your head while I’m gone. No getting into trouble.”

“Who ya dropping me off with anyways? They in the business too,” you asked while making air quotes. 

“Yeah, but recently he has stepped back a little. Actually, he’s been watching two teenage boys around your age while their dad also goes out on the road,” he replied before looking back to you again in the mirror. “And I don’t want to hear about you getting into no trouble with those or any other boys. Ya hear me?”

“Ew, no,” you face twisting in disgust.

“Yeah, you say that now. Soon enough though, you’ll be just like the rest of us and find that special someone that turns ya all stupid enough to want to spend the rest of your life with em.” 

You rolled your eyes again as you slumped back further into the seat, keeping you eyes on the road signs as the passed by. Sioux Falls, North Dakota 10 miles ahead. Ten more miles until you can finally stretch out properly. Ten more miles until you might get to sleep in real bed, in a real house, something you hadn’t done for almost three years.

It had been an unusually warm fall that year. With your birthday approaching, your mom and dad were busy setting up everything for your party. Uncle Danny had taken you out to pick out whatever gift you wanted- a butterfly knife with dusty rose handles. He of course argued with you, but with his vast collection of knives that you had always admired, he agreed as long as it stayed a secret between the two of you. He even had an interesting symbol etched into the blade. It was a little star that looked like flames were coming out of every corner. He said it was extra protection, whatever that had meant. After grabbing ice cream he had driven you home, only too see the door wide open with no answer. He told you to stay in the car, but of course after a few minutes you stopped listening. It was your home. Why would you have to wait outside? That’s when you saw what he wanted to protect you from. Both of your parents, ripped to shreds by what looked like an animal. There was no animal in sight though. You don’t even remember exactly what else happened that day. There were sirens and people in uniforms everywhere. Neighbors of course being nosy and gawking at the scene. What you remembered was your Uncle Danny holding you close and telling you that everything would be okay. And you believed him.

Up until now, he had tried his best to juggle everything- his job and raising you were not easy tasks. You got into fights in school quite a bit, but with the fact that you were leaving it in a week or so to go to another, who really cared? There were nights when you were all alone, waiting patiently for him to return, always wondering in that back of your mind if this was the time you’d lose him too. He always came back though, a little beaten a bruised perhaps, but always with a smile. 

Eventually he finally told you where he was going during all of his trips. Fighting ghosts and other monsters sounded ridiculous to you, but eventually you realized he wasn’t kidding. He was a hunter- he saved people. And that made him that so much cooler. Over the summer he had started teaching you how to shoot and what things to look for. You had already became really good with a knife, learning little tricks and that with the one he had bought you. He had an old notebook that was filled with drawings and descriptions that you tried to memorize, the ink wearing away with each use. You asked if you could join and help on a case, but he would always tell you that it was no place for a kid to be which was complete bullshit. You could handle yourself. You weren’t scared. But with all your protests, he would not budge, thus bringing you to here.

“About 5 more minutes until we’re at Bobby’s,” he stated while turning left down the road. “Hold on to your bladder just a little longer.”

You re-positioned yourself to stare out the window to see if anything was at least interesting around this guy’s house. Nope. Trees, fields, and a couple houses every once in a while. Great - middle of fucking nowhere U.S.A.  You caught the sight of what looked like the after effects of a tornado. Cars and junk everywhere with a little house in the back. 

“Welcome to Singer Salvage yard.”

“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” you moaned.

“Hey, language.”

“Sorry,” you muttered before speaking up again. “But seriously, you are LITERALLY leaving me in a garbage dump. What the hell am I supposed to do here? Get tetanus?”

“No, you’re going to get an education and have a normal childhood,” his voice sounded angry. “Now I know it’s not pretty, but Bobby is a good friend. He will watch out for you and make sure you have everything you need.”

“I’m going to need a bath,” you mumbled under your breath.

When the car finally came to a complete stop and the dust from the ground settled you were able to get a better view of the place. It was alright, probably looked better on the inside. Well, at least you hoped. Still a shithole. There was another chevelle parked alongside it that was just like your uncles, but more on the run down side. Next to it, a sleek black Impala. That was probably Bobby’s car. Hunters always have a thing for muscle cars. Sturdy, reliable, fast, or “American made” as your uncle liked to state. Whatever the reason, they were nice to look at. 

Two men walked out of the house with solemn looks on their faces with two teenage boys trailing behind. You followed your uncle's lead and climbed out of the car to the fresh air. 

“Danny, it’s been a long time,” the dark haired man with a gruff voice stated while extending his hand for a shake.

“ Way too long Johnny,” he replied while shaking his hand before moving to the bearded guy with a baseball cap. “Bobby, thanks for doing this.”

“It’s no trouble at all. There’s already two hellions, what’s another?” He chuckled as he looked over at you staring down to the ground, pushing your chucks into the dirt. “You must be Y/N.”

“Yes sir,” you replied with a tight lipped smile. 

“This is my boy Dean, he’s just a little older than you and my boy Sam who is just a bit younger,” John stated, while guiding the boys closer with his arm, although they clearly could care less.

“Dean, could you and Sam help Y/N inside?” Danny spoke up. “I know I’ve been making her wait to use the restroom, so I’m sure she’ll be grateful to know where it is.”

Dean nodded his head and grabbed at your two bags in the backseat before walking past you to go inside. Sam following. You rolled your eyes to your uncle and trailed behind to your new life- at least for now. 

You were wrong about it possibly being better on the inside. Nope, it was a shithole too that was covered with books and empty liquor bottles. The decor covered by a pound of dust and cobwebs resembled something like a real house, something someone used to care about. 

“Toilets over there,” Dean nodded down the hall while tossing your bags down before he flopped himself on the couch.

“Thanks,” you mumbled as you walked down the hall.

Surprisingly the toilet was at least semi clean, although there was enough hair trimmings in the sink to resemble a small animal.

After finishing in the bathroom you walked out to the living room area. Dean was sprawled out on the couch with a comic book and Sam was sitting on the floor next to him with an old worn down book. Out of place and unwelcomed were the nice ways of saying how you felt at that moment. After grabbing your book bag, you sat down at the kitchen table all alone, not knowing what else to do, but to stare at the walls.

“You boys helped Y/N find her way,” you heard your uncle's voice say as he entered the room.

Dean nodded as he turned the page on his book. Sam looked back at him, following his queue. Your uncle approached you, sitting himself down at the seat next to yours.

“See, it’s not that bad, right kiddo?”

Even though your head was down, you looked up to him through your lashes, rolling your eyes just a little towards the two boys.

“You’ll be fine,” he smiled. “Just give it a little bit and I’m sure you will all be getting along just fine when I come back.”. 

“How long?” You asked although you could guess the answer already.

“Not sure kiddo,” he grabbed your hand and held it gently. “But I’m going to call every Sunday night after dinner time to check in on you. Okay?”

“Okay,” you nodded before wrapping your arms tightly around his neck. “Just come back to me okay Uncle Danny?”

“You be good Y/N;” he said as he returned your hug back before standing up again. “I’ll see you soon kiddo.”

He never promised that he would come back. It was a promise that he couldn’t make. He knew it and you knew. He always said that he would never make a promise to you that he couldn’t keep. That didn’t make it hurt any less.

You watched as he shook Bobby’s hand by the front door, turning to give you a loving smile before leaving out the door to go to the next job that awaited him.

“So, how about you boys actually show Y/N where her room is.” Bobby stated firmly, causing Dean to roll his eyes as he slapped the comic book shut. “You two know how it goes around here. We’re not savages. Now get going.”

“Yes sir,” the two of them mumbled as they got up from their spots. 

Both boys each grabbed one of your bags, still not saying anything really directly to you as they walked up the stairs. Bobby was standing with his arms crossed watching them closely as you followed behind them. 

“This one is where Bobby sleeps,” Sam informed you while pointing to a door. Dean and I are in this one, and you’re the last one down the hall.”

“Yeah, lucky you,” Dean scoffed. “You get your own room.”

“Lucky me,” you stated back with sarcasm. “I get to live here with you.”

Dean turned his head to you with a glare before he opened the door and switched on the light. It was a simple room, surprisingly organized and clean. It was almost like someone had cleaned it recently. 

“This was Dean’s room,” Sam informed you, making you feel a little guilty about displacing him. It wasn’t like this was your choice though.

Dean tossed the bag he was carrying down onto the bed with a thud. Sam chose to use the gentler approach of setting the bag he was carrying on a chair in the corner.

“So what’s your story,” Dean asked as he sat down on the corner of the bed.

You shrugged, as you moved through the room, checking out the view from the window. 

“You travel with your uncle,” Dean stated. “So where’s your parents?”

You turned and looked back to him silently, not really wanting to talk about the tragic backstory of your life.

“Okay, don't talk to us then,” Dean rolled his eyes as he stood up. 

“Dead.”

He paused in his steps and turned to look at you, mouth agape. You returned to look out the window again before continuing, hoping you would see your uncles car any moment again to take you with him.

“It’s just me and Danny;” you continued as you looked over to them. “So what’s your story?”

“Mom’s been gone a long time and dad is in the business,” he stated with some sort of pride. “The family business.”

“Doesn’t a family business typically mean that more than one member of your family is doing it?” You snarked back.

“I’ve gone out on hunts before,” he stated in defense. “I’ve seen a ghost before.”

“Good for you,” you rolled your eyes again. “So why did he leave the two of you here then.”

“Dean got in some trouble on his last hunt,” Sam spoke up. 

“What, did you act like an ass to the monster too?” You smirked to Dean.

“That’s a long story,” he said as he started rubbing the back of his neck. “So how long are you here for?”

“Who knows?” You responded. “Hopefully just a few days, maybe weeks.”

“And you’re like what 13?”

“Fourteen,” you corrected him. “I’ll be fifteen-.”

You stopped yourself short, not wanting to discuss or even think about the fact that you had a birth date like everyone else. It was a day you’d rather forget. You finished your sentence with the word “soon” popping off your lips.

“Are you going to be going to the high school with Dean then?” Sam asked. 

“I guess so,” you shrugged. “So What is there to do around here anyways?”

“Read,” Sam replied with innocence, Dean rolling his eyes in response.

“There ain’t much to do, but there’s always something you can find to at least pass the time.”

“Like what?” You asked. 

Dean laughed while nodding outside.

“Well, you like cars?” He asked as you gave him a side eyed glance. “We got tons of em out there.”

“What do you do? Try to fix em up or something?”

Dean shrugged as you all heard Bobby yelling up the stairs to start getting ready for dinner. 

“Don’t keep him waiting,” Sam said as he walked out the door.

“Is Bobby strict?” You asked Dean who was still standing there, waiting for you to go downstairs as well.

“He’s alright, can be strict at times,” he replied back. “He does his best to make sure that we have some sort of normal in our lives.”

“What’s normal?” You rolled your eyes. “Being dropped off with some strange dude in a shit hole.”

“Give it time,” Dean laughed. “It’s not that bad. It’s better than staying in a crumby motel every night alone. ”

You paused your steps to the door as you heard those words leaving his lips. Motel and alone. Well that summed up the last three years of your life. Guess you did have more in common with these two boys besides being dumped off. If they could handle it, maybe it wasn’t going to be that bad after all.

The next couple weeks weren’t that bad. You had started high school with Dean showing you around. The fact that he became somewhat protective of you was probably why you didn’t seem to have any trouble with the other kids. The boys seemed to be scared of him, and the girls seemed to be in love with him. Each Sunday as promised your uncle would call to check in, consistently avoiding the topic of when he would be coming back. It was alright though. You had become so busy with your school work and hanging out with the boys that you didn’t mind it so much. Bobby’s house was slowly becoming your home.

“So to find the slope, you take the difference from the two Y points and divide by the two corresponding X points,” you stated to Dean as the two of you sat at the kitchen table.

“Why do I even care?” He grumbled.

“Well, slopes give you an idea of the rate of acceleration. Like in a car,” you stated. “Say you know that if you start at the end of the driveway and move to the other end in 60 seconds, you can determine how fast you were going.”

“Or I could just look at the speedometer,” he grinned. 

“Smartass,” you laughed as you shoved his arm. “Okay, so you see a Rugalu, and they move from point A to point B in so many seconds. How fast do you have to move your ass to get the hell out of there?” 

“Who says I wouldn’t stay to fight?”

You rolled your eyes to him again. Clearly at this point he was just being a smartass. 

“Fine, you don’t run away. So how much faster do you have to be to gank him then Winchester?” You asked with a cocky smile.

“Just got to be faster,” he replied. “Who cares how fast?”

“Well, let me give you a little insight into physics and biology. You expel more than enough energy for a task, you deplete your energy storage. Making it easy for the other Rugulu to take you down.”

“Okay, point taken,” he laughed. “Math is important. So how did you become so smart in this shit anyways?”

“My dad was a science professor,” you shrugged, before realizing that you had mentioned him for probably the first time ever to Dean besides the fact that he was dead.

“And your mom?” Dean prodded a little further. 

“History professor,” you replied while taking in a deep breath. “Guess it just rubbed off on me. Anyways, do you get it now?”

“Oh, I got it about a minute after you decided to try and help me,” he smiled. “I just wanted to see how far I could get you frustrated before you gave up.”

You smacked him lightly on his arm as he laughed in response.

“You’re a dick,” you laughed. “Why did you want to see me get frustrated?”

“Because I think it’s awesome that even when you don’t know how to help someone, it gets to you so much that you don’t quit,” he smiled. “That and when you realize that you did in fact help someone, your eyes kind of light up a little. You’re a good person Y/N.”

The way that Dean was looking at you as he spoke was so genuine; no one besides family had ever done that before. It made you feel something at that moment. What it was, you weren’t sure. You bit your lip nervously as he leaned over, pulling his text book back over to him. 

“So question 4, find the y-intercept,” he read from the pages.

“You helping Dean with homework there Y/N?” Bobby stated as he entered the room with Sam, both carrying bags of groceries that could probably feed a small army. Or in this case, the Winchester boys for a weekend. 

“Just making sure he gets it,” you smiled back while standing up to help them put the groceries away.

Peering into the bags, there was an item that you had told Bobby in secret that you needed that you didn’t see. He had either forgotten, or was too embarrassed to pick it up. 

“Um, Bobby,” you muttered. “Ya forgot something.”

He looked at you with furrowed brows until it dawned on him. He mumbled ‘crap’ under his breath before exhaling loudly.

“I suppose you need ‘em soon,” he sighed, you nodding in response. He looked over at Dean finishing the last question of his homework and closing the book. “Dean, take Y/N and my car to the little corner store. Be back in twenty for dinner.”

Dean squinted his eyes in confusion as he grabbed the keys from Bobby. You rolling your own eyes that now Dean was going to be very well aware of the gross part about being a girl: your period. 

You trailed behind Dean after Bobby handed you some cash, muttering an apology as you walked away. In less than 3 minutes, with Dean obviously ignoring anything that resembled a speed limit sign you were at the store.

“So what did you need? Make-up, hair stuff?,” he inquired as he followed you in, making you give him a funny look. “Didn’t know if all of the sudden you were trying to look like those other girls in the school.”

“I’d rather live forever in my comfy jeans and t-shirts then to ever be like them,” you snarked back, as you approached the feminine section.

Dean’s eyes followed where yours went, staring at the boxes of tampons with little flowers printed on them. It was not something he knew a lot about, but he knew enough. He reached over and grabbed a box, staring at the packaging.

“I don’t know why they try to make it all fancy,” he pondered out loud. “I mean, a girl can bleed for a few days and still kick your ass. They should have something more fierce on the box. Like a warrior princess.”

You shook your head with a laugh, catching on that Dean was trying to make this would be awkward situation into a joke. 

“My dad used to say that they used these for bullet holes,” he stated while grabbing two more boxes. “We should probably stock up knowing our luck. Who knows, maybe I’ll need some.”

Your laughter died down as you followed Dean to the register when you saw a group of guys looking and nodding over to the two of you with smirks.

“Looks like Winchester isn’t getting laid this week,” the one stated out loud. “Unless he’s into walking the red carpet.”

Johsua Adams. A notorious prick that thought he was God’s gift to women. First day at school and he had already tried, and failed, to have you,the new girl cozy, up behind the bleachers with him.  Dean just sat the products down on the counter, clenching his jaw as he turned to him with a grin.

“No, that’s what your girlfriend is for.”

Josh’s smile faded quickly, his face hardened now approaching Dean rapidly with you standing next to him. You felt Dean’s arm push you back by your waist, surprising you for a second until you saw what happened next. Josh yelled a ‘fuck you’ as he swung his fist towards Dean’s face, Dean almost effortlessly caught him by the wrist and twisted his arm behind his back.

“Now you’re going apologize for your remarks and you're going to go back to your little circle jerk,” he seethed, holding him steady as he tried to break free. 

Josh’s friends all moved from their spot, clearly pissed off that their friend was being hurt. Dean shook his head stating ‘uh huh’ as he twisted Josh's arm more to make him yell out. 

“Now I’m going to let you go,” Dean instructed the Josh in his ear, loud enough for everyone to hear. “And you all are going to leave me and my friend alone, or next time I won’t be so nice.”

Josh nodded his head, giving Dean the queue that he was going to comply. His friends all stared the two of you down hard with anger as they walked out of the store. You had almost forgotten the fact that you were in a store until you heard the onlooking cashier behind you.

“Your boyfriend there is a good guy,” she stated. “Those boys are nothing but trouble. It was about time someone showed them their place.”

You didn’t argue what she had called him: your boyfriend. Definitely not. Probably not ever. But she was right, he was a good guy. You handed her the money as you lead the way out the door to Bobby’s car. The two of you opening the doors and setting yourself in. 

“Where did you learn how to do that?” You asked with enthusiasm, the whole act was something you had only seen in the movies.

“My dad,” Dean replied. “And Bobby a little. Why?”

“Teach me,” you said as your turned your body to him with intrigue in your eyes.

“What?” Dean exhaled audibly. “Why?”

“You really have to ask?,” you sounding surprised. “Come on Dean! There are tons of assholes out there like that, plus knowing how to take care of myself would definitely help with, you know...those other things that we aren’t supposed to talk about.”

“There is no way in hell I’m teaching you any of that,” he looked at you directly with seriousness on his face. “You haven’t had to know what it’s like to fight for your life; you’re lucky and blessed. And I will be dammed if I ever let you get mixed up in that shit.”

“It’s not like I’m not already mixed up in it Dean! Something supernatural killed my parents. Hell, I’m being raised by hunters! Do you really think I will ever just get on with my life and not have that following me?”

Dean growled lowly, as he shook his head. 

“Fine,” he stated as he turned the key in the ignition to bring the engine to life. “But this is between us. If Bobby knew, he’d kill me.”

“I promise.”

“And leave Sam out of it too. That kid is going to be a doctor or lawyer someday.”

“No problem,” you agreed. “Thanks Dean, for you know, what happened in there.”

“ Anytime,” he said as he pulled out of the spot and drove down the road. “He had it coming to him anyway.”

“And I know why you’re scared to teach me how to fight Dean.”

He glanced over at you with confusion, making you smirk in return.

“Because you know I’ll be able to kick your ass,” you replied with snark. 

“Oh darlin,” he shook his head with a laugh. “You haven’t seen anything yet.” 

The next week, Dean and you had figured out a routine on when he was able to teach you. Most of the time it was right after dinner when Sam would be caught up in a book and Bobby would pass out drunk at his desk.

The garage light was enough for you to see what you were doing, and far enough away from the house so they couldn’t hear you.

“Okay, so again,” Dean stated, making you follow his directions in the sequence as he rattled them off. “Left punch, right punch, left uppercut, and a right hook.”

You did as you were told, until he stated to go faster, and then faster again. Dean shook his head in disapproval as he watched. 

“You’re locking your arms too much,” he said as he gripped your right elbow. “You’re going to break something of yours, not theirs.”

His hands moved to reposition your arm, tickling a little as he touched your skin; making you flinch back with a giggle.

“Ticklish huh?” Dean smirked as his eyes grew wide.

“You wouldn’t dare,” you laughed, as you noticed the devilish look in his eyes. 

He reached over as you tried to move out of the way, and furiously tickled you all over in an instant. Your laughter echoed through the room as you tried to get away, but he was not stopping.

“Stop Dean! Stop,” you gasped out in between your laughter, tears now rolling down you eyes. “I’m going to piss myself!”

He continued with his own laughter as you twisted yourself and started to fumble backwards; grabbing onto his arms to bring him down as well as your back hit the ground. 

“Ow,” you laughed again, Dean propping himself up on his hands next to your sides, staring down with a grin. “See what you did?”

“Rule number one,” he smiled. “Know your opponents weak spots.”

“Uh huh, and where’s yours?” You smirked as you started to tickle his rib cage. 

Dean moved swiftly and pinned your hands down on the ground with a smirk. Your breath caught in the moment, with your chest rising and falling deeply to catch it. He stared down at you as you looked up to him. The feeling that arose was different, and by the looks on his face he was feeling it as well. He paused himself for a moment, before leaning down and pressing his lips onto yours gently. An act that surprised you at first, but it felt right. Your first kiss. Your first real kiss was happening with Dean on a dirty garage floor, but you didn’t care. You found yourself returning it, moving your lips along with his, opening them just a little as you felt his tongue glide across them. You didn’t really know what to do. It’s not like this was really covered in health class, but you glided your tongue with his, moving them together in sync. It felt smooth, sending a warm feeling down your body as you felt his hand now touching your face, bringing you closer and deeper into his.

“Whoa,” you heard Sam gasp aloud, causing you to both break away and look over at him in panic.

“What the hell Sam!” Dean yelled.

“So that’s what you two are doing,” Sam smiled. “You two are making out every night!”

“Get out of here Sam before I kick your ass!” Dean yelled again.

“Whatever,” Sam rolled his eyes. “Just don’t let Bobby, dad, or her uncle catch you. They just called.” They’re coming back.”

“He’s coming back?” You sat yourself up, knocking Dean back a little in your action. “When?”

“They said they’d be here after school tomorrow,” Sam answered. “So that probably means we will be moving on too.”

Dean sighed out loud and nodded as he stood up, shaking the dirt off of him before extending his hand to you to help you up. As you got up you felt the mixed feelings of dread and excitement. You were going to see your uncle again, but at the same time you were now probably going to lose Dean. You stared down to the ground as you followed the boys back into the house. Dean instructing Sam to keep his mouth shut about what he had seen. You went upstairs to your room, trying to ignore Dean’s glances as you shut the door and flopped down on the bed. The feeling of his lips still lingered on yours as you gentled touched them with your fingers. What was going to happen next?

You awoke from your deep sleep as you heard the sound of your door opening. Glancing at the clock it was just a little after midnight. You sat up and turned to see Dean walking in with a solemn look on his face. 

“Hey, didn’t mean to wake you,” he apologized.

“Yes you did,” you smiled in the dark room, the only light peaking through the curtains from the moon outside. 

“I just thought, since tomorrow we might be parting ways, maybe we should talk about what happened?” He nervously replied.

You nodded as he sat down on the edge of your bed, you sitting up straighter and pulling the covers up to your chest. You could see the hesitation in his face, unsure of what exactly to say. The silence was lingering, only growing with anticipation of what he was about to say fiercely within you. 

“I’m sorry Y/N,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have kissed you like that.”

 You were confused for a moment, but you laid your hand on top of his in reassurance.

“Hey, it’s alright,” you replied softly. “It was nice. Unexpected of course, but I don’t regret it.”

“I’ve just, I don’t know,” he paused again. “I just was trying to keep you away from knowing how I felt about you.”

“How do you feel about me?”

“I like you Y/N,” he confessed as he looked at you. “I mean, it's hard not to. You’re someone who genuinely cares about people, and I didn’t want you to get hurt when I had to leave again.”

“What makes you so sure that you will have to leave?” you asked. “I mean, maybe they’ll let us stay here for a little longer.”

“Doubt it,” he sighed. “You don’t know my dad. He won’t care. The only thing that matters to him is taking care of Sam and finding what killed my mom.”

“But what about you Dean? I’m sure he cares about you.”

Dean shook his head, you catching the sight of a lingering tear fall down his face. 

“I was happy once before, not too long ago. I had a semi normal life away from them with someone I cared about, but he didn’t care and I couldn’t leave Sammy.”

“Dean,” you found yourself reaching for his face to look at you. You searched in his face to find whatever guilt he was holding back. “Tell me what happened.”

He sighed again as you dropped your hand down. His eyes searching for an easy way to tell you, possibly scared at your reaction.

“You know how Sam told you I had screwed up on a hunt? Well that isn’t true. I got myself in trouble and found myself at a boy’s reforming home. I got to go to school, do normal teenage things, and I had met someone there that I think I might have loved.”

You just found yourself nodding, although the last part hurt just a little, but you could tell it was still something he was still hurting from. 

“Anyways, my dad showed up after months even though he knew where I was the whole time and made me come back. He was angry and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Then of course I thought of Sam. I’ve been protecting that kid my whole life. I couldn’t walk away from him.”

“I understand,” you whispered. “But Dean, you do know that you can be happy again. No one knows what tomorrow will bring.” 

“How is it that you always know the right thing to say?” he chuckled softly.

“Because I’m awesome,” you smirked back with a soft laugh. 

“Yeah, well I’m going to get back to my room before Sammy realizes that I’ve left,” he said as he started to get up, but you grabbed his hand to stop him.

“If this is really possibly the last night I get to see you, I don’t want you to go,” you confessed as you let your grip fall. “I don’t know exactly whatever it was that I felt earlier, but I don’t want to give it up yet.”

Dean looked deeply into your eyes as he moved to crawl under the covers with your assistance of pushing them back to allow him access. He laid his head down on the pillow next to you, gazing at you, moving the hair out of your face as you mirrored him. You nuzzled your face into his hand as he cupped your cheek. He was hesitant, but you moved your face closer to his. Biting your lip a little before you leaned in and felt his soft, full lips on yours once again. He followed your lead and before you knew it, you felt the same warmth as you did before now hitting harder as your lips moved together by the light of the moon. It was a feeling you never wanted to let go of as you pushed your lips on his harder. His hands now resting on you, one holding your head steady, the other caressing your hip. It tickled a little, the way his hand touched your skin, making you moan just a little, wanting more. His lips moved from yours, trailing along your skin and down to your neck as his hand moved from your hip to your heaving chest. Through your clothes you could feel him grasping your breast gently, not wanting to be rough. You didn’t  know exactly what had pushed you in the moment, but you pulled away from him and lifted off your shirt to leave your chest expose to him. You wanted to feel his skin against yours as he watched you with wonderment in his eyes before crashing his lips against yours once more. His hands were now all over you, feeling every inch of you as you continued. His lips moving to discover new spots on your body and the pleasure-filled reactions they ensued from you. It could have been only minutes that it continued, but it felt like forever until the kisses and touches started to slow down. Dean looked into your eyes, as he pulled away with a deep breath. 

“I think I love you Y/N,” he confessed. “And I don’t want us to do anything that neither of us are ready for just because we may never see each other again.”

“I think I might love you too Dean,” you smiled back. “And I agree with the one part, but I know this; we will see each other again. When we’re both ready, perhaps a bit older, things will be different.”

“You always know just the right thing to say,” he smiled again as he pulled you into his arms to lay your head on his chest.

“Goodnight Dean,” you yawned as you nuzzled into him. 

Dean placed a kiss on top of your head, not allowing himself to fall asleep right away. He wanted to hold on to this feeling just a little longer as well because tomorrow, he knew it was all going to change. 

“Jesus fucking christ,” you heard Bobby yell out loud, snapping you awake in an instant.

Dean sprung himself up from the bed, leaving you to cover yourself up with the blanket. A look of fear and panic in his eyes.

“What the hell is going on here?” Bobby demanded. 

Dean held out his hand to try and calm him down, but it was not working.

“Bobby, it isn’t what it looks like,” Dean pleaded. “We didn’t do anything. We were just talking and I fell asleep.”

“Her shirt was off, and you just fell asleep?” Bobby looked at Dean with disappointment. “Do I look like an idjit to you? Now the two of you get dressed, in your own rooms. You have school and then your dad and your uncle will be here after.”

“You’re not going to tell them are you?” you asked in a panic. 

Bobby glared at the fear in Dean’s and your eyes as you awaited his answer.

“I’m supposed to be watching the two of you, and Dean you know better,” he glared at him hard. “I for sure ain’t saying shit to them. But you listen to me, this stops now or so help me I will kick both of your asses into next Tuesday.”

“Yes sir,” you both nodded in reply, feeling a little sense of relief. 

“Now get dressed,” Bobby stated as he walked out the door. 

You took in a deep breath and exhaled out as you turned to Dean who was almost out the door. 

“Dean?”

“You heard him, get dressed,” Dean said gruffly before walking out, shutting the door behind him. 

Dean hadn’t said anything else to you as you silently ate your breakfast and on your way to school. He was completely ignoring you now, even when you tried to speak, he chose to go the other way or say something to someone else. How he was acting was hurt, but you tried to just let it go, knowing he probably was just protecting himself and you from what awaited when you walked through the door after school. 

You saw your uncle and John sitting there waiting with Bobby. None of their faces really looked happy. 

“Dad-“ you heard Sam say as he walked in behind you.

“Time to pack your bags boys,” he instructed. “We’re moving on.”

“Yes sir,” you heard Dean state as he started for the stairs.

“Where are you going?” You asked out loud, making them all look at you in disbelief that you would even question what was happening. 

“Say goodbye to Sam and Dean, Y/N,” Danny stated as he stood up and gave you a small hug. “It’ll be awhile before you see them again.”

“This is bullshit,” you exclaimed. “Why do any of them, any of us have to go anywhere? What to live in the back of a car or a crappy motel, not knowing if any of you will ever come back?”

“Danny, settle down that girl there,” John advised.

“No, fuck you, ya prick,” you spat out, causing his eyes to widen in surprise. “They’re happy here, we all are. Bobby may not be our family, but he’s been here. He is at least trying to give us a normal life. Why can’t you just leave us alone?”

You felt guilty after hearing your words leave your mouth, as you looked up to your uncle. He had tried to be there, he just couldn’t. You now realized why he had brought you here in the first place. He knew he couldn’t do everything you needed. He was really trying to give you the life you deserved. 

“I’m… I’m sorry,” you cried to your uncle before you ran out the door.

You plopped yourself down on the ground, tears flowing down your face. You heard the sound of gravel moving under someone’s steps, but you didn’t flinch. 

“That was some speech you gave in there,” John’s rough voice stated as he sat himself down next to you. “I can see you’ve really become attached to my boys and this place.”

You just nodded your head, feeling anger and resentment towards the man next to you.

“Me too,” he confessed. “That’s why they’re coming with me.”

You looked at him baffled, not understanding why he was even talking to you after what you just said.

“Your uncle is a strong man. One of the best guys I’ve ever known. He is doing right by you in letting you stay. I’m not as strong,” he sighed. “I need them around. I look at them and on my weakest days I can see my Mary in their faces. It’s what keeps me going as I try to figure out what happened to her.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I feel like everything has been sugar coated for you for probably way too long,” he replied. “What happened to her, what happened to your parents, well someone has to stop it.”

“My parents…”

“We’re not sure if it’s the same thing, but we sure as hell won’t stop until we find it and kill it,” he answered back. “I know it’s a tough life for all of you kids, but you’re getting older now. You should know. Dean, he has been in this for so long, he knows what is expected. Sam, well although I’d like to keep him out of it, this has been his whole life. This is just what happens. You say your goodbyes and move on.”

“I still don’t understand.”

“You will,” he smiled. 

You both heard the door of the house swing open and shut, Dean walking out with a green duffel bag with Sam behind him. He paused as he looked at you both, unsure of what was happening. John looked over at you and Dean staring at each other, as Dean put his head down and helped Sam into the car. 

“They’ll be alright Y/N,” John stated, making you turn your head to him. “And so will you.”

He got up from his spot and brushed the dirt off of him as he walked towards his sleek black car.

“You boys all set?” He asked. 

Dean nodded as he stood there with the car door open, looking at you with sadness in his eyes. John turned to see you doing the same as he opened up the drivers door.

“Let’s get a move on it,” he said as he sat himself inside.

Dean looked down again, before looking back to you. You mouthed the word ‘goodbye’ as he nodded and got inside the car. The trail of dust they had left behind took minutes to disappear, but as it went down slowly and was gone, you knew they were now as well.

John’s words with everything that had happened replayed in your head. ‘You will’ he said, and at that moment, you hadn’t realized or known just how true that really was.

Tags: (Let me know if you don’t want added!)   @snffbeebee​ @waywardnerd67​ @waywardbaby​ @dean-winchesters-bacon​ @jaylarkson​ @ladywinchester1967​ @wildefire​ @i-hear-crazy-calling-my-name @hobby27​ @iamabeautifulperson18​ @19agbrown​ @sonotalice​ @drakelover78​ @aloneanddesperate​ @pisces-cutie​ @biawol​ @jamielea81​ @fallininjapan​ @justkending​

[crue-sixx]

Falcon Punch!

Title: Falcon Punch!

Fandom: The Dirt (Motley Crue Movie)

Author: tiddly-winx

Summary: You are a private security detail hired by Doc to make sure the boys stay in line.

Warnings: Swearing, violence, light gore, vomit.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your newest assignment was a doozie alright.  Your predecessor Doc McGee had called you and asked desperately for some assistance with handling one of his bands he was managing.  You were an asset in a private security firm, him being the man who recruited you off the street and trained you in a few martial arts styles.  He had found you when you and your friend Frank were running from the cops after being busted selling drugs to a narc.  You were the better fighter of the two kids (much to Frank's dismay), so you told him to run and you'll hold them off.  He did so reluctantly and you actually held your own for a few minutes before being tasered and sent to holding.

There, a man claiming to be your father posted your bail.  You knew it wasn't him, because the last time you saw him he made it perfectly clear that he never wanted to see you again.  The man before you then was offering you a way out of doing time in jail, so you tookhis hand and said "Sorry Daddy..." not in the sexual way, but in the way an actual daughter would address her biological father.  When you were in his car, you turned off the sweet charm and said "So who the fuck are you and why the fuck did you bail me out?"

"Well aren't you just all piss and vinegar?" the older man said, laughing.  "Just the amount of gumption I'm looking for!"

"That doesn't answer my question, smart ass" you grumbled.

"Call me Doc" he had said "I saw you beat the shit out of those cops and I was impressed to say the least.  So I want to recruit you to my private security agency.  With some training, you could make one of the top assets!"

"You DO know I'm only 14 right?" you raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, yeah I'll have you home schooled but training comes first" he extended his arm for a handshake "But it is of course voluntary.  If you REALLY want to go to juuvie then I'll drive you there myself" he looked at you questioningly.

You took his hand without hesitation and smirked "You got yourself a deal, Doc" he smiled too and the rest is history.

He met you in the terminal of the airport with the band he was managing 'Motley Crue'.  They all looked like they were drunk and strung out on something, which from the stench coming off them, they were.  "Gentleman, this is Falcon" you smiled at them and they looked you up and down.  "She's here to help me keep you in line."

In unison, they laughed so hard they doubled over.  "THAT'S what's gonna keep us in line?!" the blonde one hooted "That hottie looks more down with fuckin' than fightin'!"  they all chortled their agreement.

You looked over at Doc and said "May I?"

He chuckled "I'd be insulted if you didn't!"

Quick as lightning you punched the blonde one's throat, following it with a palm heel to the nose and a final iron forged fist into the soft tissue of his belly.  Blood and vomit went everywhere, the singer holding his nose and dry heaving.  The other three were stunned into silence, you grabbing him by the hair and growled "Talk to me like that again and I'll break you dick so the only things you can do with it are pissin' and finger paintin'" you lifted his face to meet yours "got it memorized?"

Vince was so pissed off, but he relented and nodded an affirmative answer.    One of the dark haired ones looked you up and down, as if trying to place you somewhere "Y/N?"

You stopped to look at him too, not hearing your real name in years.  You lifted up his bangs that hung in his face to get a better look at him "Frank?" he cringed at the name at first, but his smile grew wide.

"I changed it to Nikki a few years ago" he explained "Holy shit I see you can still open a case of whoop-ass like nobody's business" he glanced down at Vince, who was slowly recovering.  The tall one was helping him clean himself up like a worried mother hen.

"As you recall, Nikki" you smiled back at him "I don't like to be made a fool of or laughed at"  the older guitarist seemed quite amused at the spectacle, laughing at the singer's misfortune.

Nikki grew silent and asked "What happened after I got away...that night?"

"We can talk about that later, right now we need to talk about new security measures" Doc had rented out a conference room for such purposes.

You straightened your clothes and began "Gentleman, from this day on until the day Doc releases me from this assignment there will be no booze, no fucking, and no drugs unless prescribed by a doctor as medication.  Any questions?"

They all got up and protested "That's not fair!  We haven't done anything that bad lately!" the drummer yelled.

"Until you calm down and ease up on that shit, these rules will be increasingly enforced as I see fit.  Now you can be good little boys or you can get another beat down like Malibu Barbie over there" you nodded to Vince, who at this current moment in time was unable to talk just flipped you the bird.

Nikki was just as pissed as his band mates and he retorted "And just how are you gonna enforce these fucked up rules?" sarcastically.

You grinned a Cheshire cat smile and darkly, sweetly "I have my ways~" this struck the fear of the Falcon in them.

Things were quiet for a few days, the band going straight to their hotel rooms after shows.  They kept their noses clean (both literally and figuratively) from trouble and keeping their cool.  Doc was so happy with the results that he almost ended your contract after a week, but you had a hunch that one of them would try some shit and you were right.

"I think it's time we call for Bruce" you grinned, Doc reflecting your sadistic nature.

Tommy tried to open the door to get to the bar downstairs, only to be met by a snarling rot wilier german shepard mixed monster of a dog.  He screamed and jumped back in his room "Going somewhere, drummer?"

"No, ma'am!" he quickly squeaked, never taking his eyes off the dog.

"You're in luck Tommy" you giggled "I'm in a good mood.  If you can outrun Bruce here, you can have one drink, one bitch and one hit of any drug of your choice" you offered the trifecta of rewards.

He actually contemplated his chances and in a rare show of good judgement he slowly backed into his room and shut the door.  "Good boy!" you praised him.  You turned around to see the others peeking out of their rooms and quickly shut the doors.  They didn't want to end up dog food.

You knew the fear of Bruce was going a long way, and from your surveillance of their rooms you knew that they wouldn't try anything as long as you were there.  Doc had officially ended your contract and you were headed back to headquarters in secret.  You had quietly packed your bags and were rolling them down the hall when Nikki opened the door to let the room service he ordered in.  "What are ya doin?" he asked.

You laughed and said "My contract with Doc is over" you smiled at him.  "You can do whatever the fuck you want now.  It's no longer my business" you turned to leave but he pulled you into his room.

"I've been trying to talk to you" he said "about that night you let me go..."

You stiffened, the memory being more painful than you'd like to admit.  "I went to holding, Doc bailed me out, sort of adopted me and trained me to become the fighter you see now" you kept it short and sweet.  "How about you?"

He told you about his mom and the many times he'd moved around the place with his grandparents, who he fondly recalled all the stories.  After he was done, you said quietly "Did you ever think of me as anything more than a friend, Nikki?"

He bit his lip, knowing you had a crush on him when you were younger and he played off that feeling you had for him to get what he wanted.  "No" he said truthfully, and he felt like an ass for leading you on.  "I'm sorry I played off your feelings for me...I always knew it was wrong, but at the time I didn't care..." you felt unadulterated rage boil up inside you.  You clenched your fists and jaw so tight they would have broken diamonds.

"Goodbye Frank" you purposely called him by his birth name.  "If you ever grow up from that scared little boy you always were, call Falcon Security and ask for the Boss"  you hurriedly left with your bags, not allowing him to see the tears in your eyes.

Nikki sat in his room alone, then called room service for a shit load of Jack Daniels, mountains of blow and so many hookers his dick was sore.  When he woke up next to a complete stranger and left with a straw still in his nose.  In the bathroom, he removed the straw and looked at himself in the mirror.  "I'm such an asshole..." he hung his head in shame, not wanting to remember what he did to you all those years ago.

[addytheheartbreaker]

"Meet Bezai the Egg"

Name: Bezai Lebedev Cawthorn

Age: 26

Height: 5'9 ft

Weight: 60 kg

Mask singer belong to: Johnny Weir

Friends with: Doll, Dog, Rabbit, Ice Cream, Leopard, Poodle, Lion, Penguin, Bee, Eagle, Alien, Skeleton, Peacock, Ladybug, Purple Peacock.

Appearance: pale white slick side hair, white with gold rings eyes, gold eye-shadow, cheek bones, small beard, white painted nails with gray crack design and a slim but athletic body (figure skating body type).

Clothing style: his fashion design clothing, coats (mainly Russian, Japanese 30's - 50's coat style), fur coats, his egg sunhat, LOTS of bling and jewelly, eccentric or formal suits (Main clothing). Dresses (to his fashion design or Johnny's fashion design), figure skating suits and Johnny's fashion clothing (for formal, party and broadcast occasions).

Fun facts about Bezai:

•the eccentric, narcissistic, flamboyant, stylish and "all eyes on me" Egg man.

•Egg is born a American, Russian and French (his father is American-Russian while his grandfather is French) and he is Japanese ancestry from his mother's side.

•Bezai can speak Russian and French when he was just a child, he taught himself to learn russian then started understanding Japanese when he was 14. He also learned Japanese too when he was 16.

•He is an ally and one of the iconic people of LGBTQ with Leon and Victoria. His sexuality is gay. He is still single.

•Egg is a anime lover since in his early teens. He is a fan of Yuri on Ice and old anime style times. Him and Johnny talk about it on different times.

•Bezai had been keeping his sexuality a secret from public and from Johnny. Johnny has suspected from his behavior after he had found out he had suffered on keeping his sexuality a secret as Johnny was the first person to convinced him to come out and supported him since and today.

•the reason why kept his sexuality a secret is because he had been bullied since childhood.

•as a child, Egg is isolated and trying to fit in to many children and at school. He is an excellent and a honoured student which envied by many students as most boys bullied him. He is also been verbally harassed by boys by calling him homophonic names which is the reason on keeping his sexuality.

•hr started skating in age 15, he is a huge fan of Johnny Weir's skating performance leading him into interesting in skating and fashion.

•he is an egg lover who always eats and cooks egg related dishes. He is an excellent cook and Bezai eats and diet on a healthy lifestyle because of his skating career.

•He is not a fan of fast food because he prefer to eat healthier food. According to Bezai, he considered fast food "a place of wasting your health".

•he owned 4 pets at his mansion and had taking cared properly either himself or his servants. He owned a white stallion, a white snow fox, a Chihuahua and a swan.

•He is a iconic figure skater from Olympic culture, a fashion designer, a model and a interviewer of the Olympian Winter along side Johnny Weir.

•Egg has retired since 2016 due to his injuries gotten worse. But he can still skating properly and begin designing clothing and interview with several Olympian skaters to socialize and teaching/encouraging skaters.

•He had an accident during his skating performance since 2015. He got injured himself both his knee and hips when he is about to do the trick. That accident horrified Johnny concerning his safety.

•He has been pressured so much due to suffered anxiety issues and intense fear of disappointment/failure.

•when he pressured too much, he will 'crack' mentally. He is lucky that he hadn't harmed himself or commit recklessness.

•Bezai's mentor, Johnny is always worried of Bezai's health and his anxiety issues. Fearing the thought of Bezai doing something harmful to himself.

•He had bodyguards and servants to protect, escort and serving him because of his insecurity and needed emergency.

•Egg lived in his own mansion in the middle of a beautiful field, his mansion is a Victorian like castle, a farm for his vegetable harvesting (because of his healthy lifestyle) and his pet horse, a huge gym and a room filled with stuffed animals.

•he is actually a stuffed animal collector, he mainly collect panda, polar bears, snow fox, swans and fluffy and furry stuffed animals.

•Bezai has a soft spot for soft furry fur and he always sleep with a huge egg like bed inside a very soft cushions, pillows and a soft furry blanket. The reason why he is likes anything soft is because he is an Egg. (If you know what I mean)

•the reason why he is sleeping with an egg like bed is because he is afraid of getting caught by dust, germs and caught himself a cold. (If you remember the clues where Egg is inside a big egg container)

•He is a huge fan of Lady Gaga. He had an autograph from his favorite celebrity and he wanted the signature to his most favorite ice skating costume. He even listened to her songs and brought all albums.

•Egg is rocking with heels! He can wear them and dance with it like a real god he is. (Bezai: of course I can rock it, I'm fabulous!)

•He can wear both dresses and suits what ever he likes. If anyone dare to insult or gave him a homophobic insult at him, his bodyguards would murder/assassinated them. He will ignore it and do what ever he wants.

•Egg has a collection of champagne, he only drink it every weekends.

•Bezai and Nicol often compete to each other teasingly as frenemies. Because of the "their chemistry don't mix well" due to Dog's Gothic puck bad boy persona/style and Egg's flamboyant, narcissistic and stylish style didn't mix so well. Bezai often to teasing Nicol by smacking his butt, teasing him into something that makes him embarrassed and bragging for his closeness to Addy while Nicol often to do scare pranks at him (not too much or too far, but didn't do often because of Addy), fake threats, always pulled his egg hat and teased him about his favorite yaoi ships.

•Egg and Ice Cream are partners together before and after the Masked Singer. Because they both food related.

•Egg is really adored to Doll. Addy admired his flamboyance and stylishness (because I have a soft spot to guys with flamboyance and sassy attitude) and all his bling. While Bezai is being impress of Addy's talent, potential on fashion designing, her elegance and Egg literally saw Doll like a model.

•Egg really wanted Doll to become his model because of her beautiful features and body type. However, Doll doesn't wanted to due to my shyness and I had been told that I look like a super model. Bezai convinced me that I am until Nicol caught that attention.

•Bezai becomes Addy's fashionista/fashion designer, her modelling teacher and a good figure to influence her. Nicol proposed him to become Addy's influential to give her better confidence and helping her picking up clothes for her.

•His room when staying at the Masked Singer season 2 mansion, his room is of course Victorian like, pure white with a hint of jewels, ice, crystals and yellow. With his egg bed, fluffy carpet floor, his stuffed animals and mannequins clothing hanging beside his desk of his several designing clothes.

•Egg work out 4 hours every Monday, Wednesday and Friday to keep his body shape in the same body type.

•he owns two weapons: fork like trident and blades heels/shoes. He knows how to use it and he can fight himself for self defense. Despite he has bodyguards to protect him because of the concerning pressure, he can managed to fight alone or competing someone who challenged him or Egg challenging him.

•Bezai's powers is ice and his fighting style are swan technique style (it is actually flight, he prefer it to be called "Grace style"), agility and balancing (a fox style "skater's style") and some kicking attacks (using his blade heels/shoes)

•Egg is actually a friend to Eagle because they known each other in New York both are interviewers, Peacock since he is a fan to Peacock's performance in Las Vegas, Penguin, Poodle, Alien and Lion together meet each other at the gala every year then Leopard, Bee and Ladybug also met at the gala but the three both commonly have a royal like clothing together.

•Bezai met one of Addy's member from her gang. Narcis the Purple Peacock. Since 4 years ago before the accisent, they first met when Bezai is skating himself at the private skating ring until he notice Narcis's skating first and showing off his skills then the Purple Peacock is offering him a special free drink and complement his professional skating skills.

•the mysterious Russian Purple Peacock even gave him a nickname "ваши милости" ("your Graces" in English).

•Narcis is the one who helped the injured Bezai carrying him out if the ice. Bezai wanted to know who is the mysterious charming man and he also remembered he is actually a Russian man.

•Addy knew it because Narcis told her that he had met the iconic Egg man. He told her not to tell him just yet.

•Egg might have a crush on the mysterious Russian Purple Peacock.

•He CAN'T go out without wearing bling. (Bezai: trust me, I won't go outside the place without wearing my jewelry)

[melodycallers]

Tag game!

Thanks @michaalien for tagging me 😋

1. What is your middle name?

Patricia

2. How old are you?

22

3. When is your birthday?

February 26th

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Pisces Sun, Libra Moon, Gemini Rising

5. What is your favourite colour?

Every shade of purple and olive green

6. What’s your lucky number?

7

7. Do you have any pets?

I moved out so no, but I had lots

8. Where are you from?

Honduras

9. How tall are you?

151 cm

10. What shoe size are you?

European 38

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

6

12. What was your last dream about?

It was a nightmare about the IT clown and I’ve never seen the movies but I saw a poster on the train station and my brain thought that was a good idea

13. What talents do you have?

Music I think, mediocre at best guitar player and decent singer

14. Are you psychic in any way?

Maybe guessing what people is going to tell me before hand? Maybe I’m just too observant

15. Favourite song?

Right now is Bitter Salt by Jake Bugg

16. Favourite movie?

Star Trek Beyond and Pride and Prejudice that I can think off rn

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

Someone nice, mature and funny

18. Do you want children?

Used to but I don’t think so, the world is too fucked up. If a change my mind I’ll probably adopt

19. Do you want a church wedding?

no

20. Are you religious?

Grew up in a Christian household but I’m not anymore

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

Yes

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

nope

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

No

24. Baths or showers?

Baths

25. What color socks are you wearing?

White with black stripes, or is it the other way around?

26. Have you ever been famous?

no

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

I wanted to be a musician, I still wanna 😂

28. What type of music do you like?

My heavy rotation is always indie rock, and then a little bit of everything I guess

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

No

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

4

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

I hug my pillow with my leg on top of it on my side.

32. How big is your house?

Used to be some offices so it’s pretty big apartment but I also live with my family so

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

Weekdays only green tea and black coffee and weekends toasts with whatever I find. I freaking love toasted bread

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

No

35. Have you ever tried archery?

I wanna

36. Favorite clean word?

Dude

37. Favorite swear word?

Fuck

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

30 hours because it was a 2 day flight and I was anxious

39. Do you have any scars?

One on my knee when I felt off my bike as a kid but it’s pretty faded now

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

no fam

41. Are you a good liar?

I like to think so since I’m pretty quiet but I don’t usually lie

42. Are you a good judge of character?

yes

43. Can you do any accents other than your own?

Yes? They’re pretty bad

44. Do you have a strong accent?

It really depends what I’m watching or who I’m around. But pretty much American English

45. What is your favourite accent?

Irish and Scottish

46. What is your personality type?

Quiet, reserved, use sarcasm and jokes as a copying mechanisms 🤷🏻‍♀️

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

My raybans

48. Can you curl your tongue?

yes

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right-handed?

right

51. Are you scared of spiders?

a little bit yeah but I love house spiders even tho I get jump scared when I see them 😂

52. Favourite food?

Tacosssss

53. Favourite foreign food?

chinese

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

A combination of both, I get so much satisfaction when I clean my room and everything is in order but the second I start looking for something I tornado the whole thing up

55. Most used phrase?

My dude

56. Most used word?

Fuck in a singsongy voice

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

Work days? 20 min , weekends or going out? Like 2 hours my dude

58. Do you have much of an ego?

I don’t think so

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

suck

60. Do you talk to yourself?

a lot

61. Do you sing to yourself?

yes

62. Are you a good singer?

I would like to think so, yes

63. Biggest Fear?

Disappointment from people I care about

64. Are you a gossip?

Only with my mom but I avoid it with everyone else at all cost

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

Wonder

66. Do you like long or short hair?

both but I prefer short

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

no

68. Favourite school subject?

Music, history

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

introvert

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no

71. What makes you nervous?

crowded rooms, family meetings

72. Are you scared of the dark?

no

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

sometimes

74. Are you ticklish?

on my sides

75. Have you ever started a rumour?

no

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

Yes

77. Have you ever drank underage?

no

78. Have you ever done drugs?

No

79. Who was your first real crush?

Nelson in 3rd grade

80. How many piercings do you have?

My ears are pierced but that happened when I was a baby, I want more

81. Can you roll your R’s?

yessss

82. How fast can you type?

Fast

83. How fast can you run?

Not that fast

84. What color is your hair?

The darkest brown basically black

85. What color are your eyes?

Dark brown

86. What are you allergic to?

Seasonal allergies, dust

87. Do you keep a journal?

No

88. What do your parents do?

My mom used to be an accountant but now she manages her own apartment building and my dad worked in many jobs but currently in a supermarket

89. Do you like your age?

22 is weird, the early twenties are weird. Not complaining tho

90. What makes you angry?

Ah you know the usual, bigotry and rude people. Oh and people who denies that we keep fucking up the earth for selfish reasons

91. Do you like your own name?

yes

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

-

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child?

I want dogs, many many dogs

94. What are you strengths?

Empathy and compassion

95. What are your weaknesses?

I put people’s needs above mine way too much which leads to them taking advantage

96. How did you get your name?

I have no idea, I’m gonna ask my mom today

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

Gotta ask the conquistadors

98. Do you have any scars?

99. Colour of your bedspread?

White with some orange and black shapes

100. Colour of your room?

white (not by choice)

I tag @stopmakingtheeyes @jamiecookinq @boulevardsaint-laurent and @agoodafternoon

Feel free to join or ignore 😊

[jessystardust]

Margate forever

This is my write-up of my visit to Margate, including Wheels & Fins and meeting Carl. It’s pretty long but I wanna recount all of it. So if you’re sick of hearing about it, feel free to skip! If not, read on... (small trigger warning for mentions of anxiety and depression)

I arrived in Margate at about 14:30 on Saturday the 8th of September, having been travelling for the past fortnight. I wasn’t feeling too great as I arrived, but that mood began to lift as soon as I stepped out of the train station. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a Northern girl or if I’ve just been largely misinformed, but I always thought Margate wasn’t a nice place. Anyway, that is so not true! It’s a lovely, fun, and really quite beautiful seaside town, and I honestly felt taken with it as soon as I arrived.

I walked from the train station to the Smiths Court Hotel, looking out over the beach as I did so, dragging my bursting suitcase and feeling so much better. It was about a twenty minute walk, and before I knew it I was at the hotel, just three hotels down from the Albion Rooms. The Albion Rooms stuck out like a sore thumb nestled in the row of other tall, slim hotels, and as I arrived the finishing touches were being made to the gold paint on the outside of the building. I had a quick glance, then headed to my hotel.

A little while later I met @suchasinistergame and @missoneminute in their hotel room. It’s always a joy to see @suchasinistergame, and it was so exciting to meet @missoneminute for the first time ever. I immediately felt so happy to be there with them, and I had this feeling like something amazing was going to happen, but I almost wouldn’t let myself believe it.

We met up with @getaddictet and Charlie who just generally make my life brighter, and we hung around outside the Albion Rooms for a little while. Nothing was really happening, so we all kind of did our own thing, I spent some time with everyone, and ended up diving headfirst in to a Chinese takeaway at 21:30, before heading to bed. We were all just desperate for the next day to arrive I think.

The next day, aka the best day of my life, started out a bit weird. We had a plan in place and that plan disappeared pretty quickly, haha! I originally wanted to get to the festival when it opened at 12:00, and everyone kind of had different plans, but of course we all ended up outside the Albion Rooms. We saw John, and he’s so lovely. He chatted to everyone and went off to get some food. Then Peter came out, and the atmosphere was so electric, everyone was so excited. He said hi to everyone, and I kind of mumbled hello to him (you know I’m a Carl girl right but... damn, Peter is attractive in real life), and got to see @missoneminute and @suchasinistergame give him presents, which honestly was enough for me, it was a great moment. I also got to meet the lovely @exarcadiaelux around this time too!

Oh, and then he was talking to some other fans, and he took two of them in to the Albion Rooms, because one of them had a Libertines t-shirt on and he apparently had never seen the design before or something? And he wanted to adjust her t-shirt for some reason, so he took them both inside, and about half an hour later she emerged wearing a totally different shirt. So weird, but classic Peter.

Anyway, we finally got to the festival at around 14:30. I got a wrist scarf (which I was unnecessarily excited about) and then we went to the barrier, where we stayed for the next six hours. Totally, definitely, unbelievably worth it. We saw John Power, Mic Righteous, Cabbage, Reverend & the Makers, Echo & the Bunnymen, and then at 20:20 we finally got to see The Libertines. And what a show it was.

I’ll be honest, due to the events that happened afterwards, I feel like the gig was a (wonderful, exciting, amazing) blur. But what I do remember is going fucking crazy and being so, so happy. I just completely let myself go; I screamed out the lyrics, I danced and flailed about because that’s how they make me feel, and it was the best (well... second best) feeling ever. 

They were on top form, the gig was just amazing, and the banter and atmosphere was fantastic. There was a wonderful energy. The songs that stick out to me were Heart of the Matter, Gunga Din, and What Became of the Likely Likes. But the final song, I Get Along, absolutely blew me away. I was buzzing, it was the most wonderful experience.

After the gig, I managed to grab a setlist, which was great for me because I’ve never managed to get one before. I was so happy it was for this gig! And then I met the lovely @orchidsonthewindowsill, and we all headed off back to the hotel.

I think @getaddictet and I were the last ones to find out what was happening, but basically, we happened to be staying at the same (beautiful) hotel where the VIP party was. I think our minds actually exploded when we found out. I can’t even put in to words how shocked, excited, anxious, and downright gobsmacked i was. Stuff like this does not happen to me! We agreed to meet everyone downstairs, and we were so excited (and I desperately needed a drink to calm my nerves) that the two of us rushed down as soon as we could. And of course, as we ran down the stairs and arrived at the hotel reception, Carl was stood there, drinking champagne from the bottle.

So basically, I died. I was fucking scared man. But I kept thinking “be cool, be cool”, because this opportunity was too good to give up. I could lie and pretend it wasn't a big deal but it fucking was. So @getaddictet went straight to Carl and talked to him - he recognised her immediately. I’ll let her tell her experience herself though, and I’ll just say what I remember. I was anxious and shy especially because @getaddictet and Carl were already talking. But somehow I found the courage, and I just sort of joined in their conversation, instead of standing there like a loser.

Carl finally looked at me, and said, “oh sorry, hi I’m Carl” and I said “hiya, I’m Jess”. We said how much we had enjoyed the gig, and he said that he had seen us down at the front, and he said he knew we’d been there for ages, and then he said that he really loved to see fans going crazy like we had been because it made them feel encouraged and he liked to see fans having fun. I said something like, “oh my god did you really notice us at the front?” and he said yeah and then he said, “wait, you’re not from down here? Are you from Hull?” and I laughed and said, “No, i’m from Sheffield,” and he said, “Oh right, Sheff!” and he tried to say “sort thissen aht” (”sort yourself out”) which he absolutely couldn’t do hahaha.

I don’t remember what we talked about next but basically there was a bit of a lull in the conversation, and I realised this was my chance to finally say what I had always wanted to say to him. So I kind of put my hand on his arm (happy sigh), and I said it. @getaddictet kindly stepped aside and gave us space to have a bit of a moment.

I said, “I just wanted to tell you that I haven’t been a fan for very long, but you have really, really helped me to change my life around. I was suffering with depression and I was very unhappy and after discovering your music, my life has gotten so much better and I’m so much happier. So thankyou.”

He looked so genuinely touched and he said, “that’s such a nice thing to say, thankyou. And you’re all good now with everything right?” and before I could answer he said, “aw, I know it’s not that simple with these things”, and he leaned in to me, kind of half hugged me and kissed me on the cheek (dead for the second time). I was so overwhelmed and so touched by his reaction. I don’t even remember what I said in response.

I really know that other people have had longer, more in depth encounters with him, but to me this was just... it was everything. He probably doesn’t even remember it because he was pretty drunk and he meets so many fans. It doesn’t matter. The fact is, I got up the courage to speak to him, and to tell him about my depression, and I got a picture with him! I hated it at first cause I look like a gorm but I decided that I love it instead because I look so happy on it. (One of my best friends literally said, “I have never seen you smile like that in twelve years.)

I also managed to grab Jon McClure, lead singer of Sheffield band Reverend and the Makers, and we had a really fun exchange. I said “I’m from Sheffield!” and he gave me a massive hug (he’s like 9ft tall I swear man) and asked if I’m an Owl or a Blade (if I support Sheffield Wednesday or Sheffield United) and was pleased when I said I’m an Owl (I don’t really give a shit but my family are Owls so whatever). I also said that I’m from Hillsborough and that I loved their gig at Tramlines. Jon was lovely and a typical Yorkshire bloke. I asked for a photo, and he said he’d grab me after he went for a fag. True to his word, he found me later and we had a picture together. (Needless to say, most of my friends and family are more impressed about me meeting Jon than meeting Carl haha.)

I had literally only eaten cold chips for the past 24 hours so everyone kindly accompanied me round Margate trying to find a takeaway that was open. We didn’t succeed, but we did see Peter on his swegway gliding past the Albion Rooms, and I was finally drunk enough to say hello to him, but he went back inside pretty quickly and we didn’t talk to him properly.

We got to bed at about 3:30am and I got up at 6:50am to travel back to Sheffield (rock n roll, innit) and when I was stood outside the hotel at 7:30am, I was just getting in to the taxi when I heard someone say “hi”. I turned around and Jack Jones of Trampolene was stood in the doorway, dressed in a lovely blue suit and swigging a can of lager. I was slightly mortified because I looked grotty as fuck with my hair tied back and my bent glasses on, but I was so happy I just called out, “hiya!”. He came over and asked if I was okay. I said I was buzzing and he laughed. He said he was staying at Peter’s for a bit and that he hoped I’d had a great night. I said I was honestly so happy, and it had been the best time ever, and he said that was cute. Then I asked if he remembered me from Sheffield (I went to their gig at the end of April and met Jack there very briefly) and he was like, “Psht, of course! That’s why I said hello” which made me so happy, and he gave me a huge bear hug and wished me a safe journey home.

So that was Margate. Wonderful, exciting, anything-can-happen Margate. To say I’m happy is an understatement. I feel like I have a new lease of life. I was anxious and nervous about all of this and it turned out brilliantly. I know I’ll be smiling for days if not weeks. I get that some people do stuff like this all the time and it’s not a big deal to them, but it meant the world to me.

Big love to @getaddictet @suchasinistergame @missoneminute @exarcadiaelux @orchidsonthewindowsill and Charlie for sharing the experience, what a gang. x

(I also just want to say, in case anyone is offended or really cares, I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, but I’ve suffered from both on and off for the past few years. I understand people have had worse experiences than I have but I have struggled in the past.)

[killiancygnus]

Serendipitous Melody 21/22

Summary: Everyone has dreams. You might dream of becoming an astronaut or teacher, or you might want to become a doctor and save as many lives you can. Emma Swan’s childhood dream was being a singer. But with life getting in the way and never finding the courage to overcome her fears, she never had a chance to follow it. That is until a little push from her friends lead her to cash on an opportunity; and, who knows, she might even get more than what she’d wished for.

Rated: T

Word count: ~3.6k

A/N: Here we are guys, the last official chapter of this story. I’ll leave all the thanks for next week just to make everything even more cheesy. I mean, this chapter is pretty cheesy too (how couldn’t it be? I used Ed Sheeran’s Photograph, after all) but the epilogue will actually give you cavities from all the fluff. Anyway, if you like this chapter and want to leave a comment, don’t be shy! I always love to hear your opinions. That being said, I’ll leave you to this last chapter and I hope you’ll enjoy it!

Thanks as always to the wonderful @the-reason-to-sail-home.

Tagging some friends: @mahstatins, @villains-happy-ending , @stardusted-nymph, @allisonchameron, @kmomof4, @hencethebravery, @katie-dub, @acourtoftruelove . @resident-of-storybrooke , @irishswanff, @thejollypirate, @dassala , @imhookedonaswan, @ofshipsandswans , @legendofthephoenixcs, @yayimallamaagain and @londonsbridge

If you want to be tagged too let me know :)

Links: Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9- Chapter 10 - Chapter 11 - Chapter 12 - Chapter 13 - Chapter 14 - Chapter 15 - Chapter 16 - Chapter 17 - Chapter 18 - Chapter 19 - Chapter 20 / AO3

A charity concert: that was his grand plan.

Regina had been a bit surprised when he told her, but she, like Henry, was more than supportive, even though that meant she had a lot of work to do to organise the event before Christmas, probably even more work than he had.

The following two weeks seemed to go by much faster than normal. On one hand, Killian was working himself crazy in order to fish up all the songs for the new album, make the one he was actually going to sing perfect and decide the set for the concert. On the other hand, instead, Regina was doing her best to organise everything: from the venue, to publicity, to filing a list of nonprofits to whom the money of the event would be donated. Eventually, he chose one of the few that helped children in the foster system find a home.

As he correctly foresaw, Emma didn’t make any move to contact him. He missed her terribly, but it probably was for the best because her absence allowed both him and Regina to focus and actually make the impossible.

The date was set, just a few days away from Christmas. The venue was found and made ready for the big day. The announcement and publicity was made, selling all the tickets out in a few hours. The merch had been shipped and would have been ready on time. The association had been already sending thank you cards after seeing how much money had been risen with the tickets sale.

Everything was perfect. Now all he had to do was sing.  

She was a coward. That was more than just a fact by then.

She could tell herself that she was still too shocked after finding out that both Neal and Gold had been behind everything since the very beginning all she wanted, but truth be told, the anger and shock had been gone as fast as they came. She could tell herself that if Killian had truly wanted to, he could have called her now that everything was over, and she would have actually answered for once and apologized then, but the fact that he hadn’t made her worries grow. Had he given up on her after just a week? Or even worse, had he forgotten about her and already moved on? Had all his words been a lie? And would it have been a good idea to call him first in case? Or was her brain just being a jerk and making up excuses to avoid heartbreak in chance he actually had?

It was probably the latter. She was being stubborn as always, wanting to apologize but not to make the first move. But still, she had lost count of the times she wrote him a text only to delete it five minutes later or hovered her finger over his number only to never actually call him.

Agreeing to accompany Henry to a concert had sounded like a good idea then (however she actually might just have a problem at resisting puppy eyes; but also have you met Regina? That woman was scary, it was better not to go against her). What was better than live music to forget about all her worries and maybe find the courage to talk to Killian, after all?

Maybe more than a hundred things. But still, she was going to go for Henry.

When Regina arrived to get her and Henry that evening, she wasn’t really in the mood to go out, but Henry’s excitement was contagious. It was his first concert and he babbled excitedly for the whole trip to the arena. He still wouldn’t tell her of whom the concert was.

“It’s a surprise, mom,” he had told her when she asked, blushing. Maybe he was just embarrassed, but she honestly wouldn’t know why. Whatever it was though, she didn’t care. She lost ten years: she wasn’t going to back out from spending time with her son anytime soon.

Emma smiled. His eyes shined with enthusiasm and a huge smile was plastered on his face, cheeks all pink. It was kind of cute.

Once they got there, Regina escorted them to the back door and let them in.

“So, you know how this works,” she said handing them two plain white passes that still didn’t give Emma any hint about who was going to sing. “Wear these, then follow the corridor and then turn right. There you’ll find someone that will get you in. I’ll be waiting for you here when the show will be over.”

Emma nodded, putting the pass over her head and over her neck, letting it fall on her thin sweater.

“Yes, mom. Can we go now?” Henry basically jumped on his feet.

Regina chuckled as she watched his son drag Emma down the corridor waving goodbye before she headed back outside.

The man that they found at the end of the corridor was at least a feet taller than Emma, if not more and the suit he was wearing did nothing to hide his muscles. He glanced down at their passes and then left them in gesturing them where they were supposed to go.

Front row. They got to see a concert from the front row. Henry truly was a lucky kid.

After they settled in, Emma took a good look around her. The place was huge, definitely bigger than Enchanted studios. The stage right in front of them was circular with two wings that extended on the side and ended in two specular stairs directed downwards to the centre of the arena. Soft blue and bright white light illuminated the stage as the excited chartering of people grew louder as they got inside.

“Will you tell me who’s playing to now?”

Henry’s eyes left the stage where the opening be had begun to settle to meet hers. “Nope. I told you, it’s a surprise.”

She didn’t have the time to argue that the band started with their first song. They weren’t half bad, Emma had to give them that, especially considering how young they looked like, but she wouldn’t listen to them all day long. But with a little work and luck they could actually become great in a few years. Still, their performance seemed to last ages. She was just too curious about who would be stepping on stage next to actually relax and enjoy the music. Soon though, an applause erupted from the people around them as the band bowed on stage.

Then everything went black.

Someone in the back gave a few surprised screams which quieted down as soon as the few notes and a pretty known voice came from the speakers.

Emma froze.

She knew that song. Far too well actually, after all she had worked for so long on it with Killian. She knew that voice far too well too. Part of her didn’t want to believe it was actually him, though, not until she saw it with her own eyes.

As if on cue, a spotlight lit the centre of the stage.

Her heart had skipped a beat right then, she was sure of it. It was actually him. She was at Killian’s concert. Concert she never knew would exist. In the first row. With Henry.

Emma’s legs itched to run, to get as far away as she could. But she couldn’t leave Henry alone. He was just ten and Regina couldn’t come pick them up and he was so excited for this, she couldn’t ruin it all for him just because she was scared and… And it totally was a set up. Henry had been on it, she could feel him staring at her from her side; Regina had definitely been on it; hell, probably all her friends had been on it as far as she knew. Question was: was Killian aware she would have been there?

However, that was a question she couldn’t answer to, at least not yet.

Killian was still keeping his eyes closed as he sang, as if he was trying to channel all the memories, all his feeling in the lyrics. And all Emma could do was listen, transfixed. The last time she had heard him sing “Like Fire”, it was in the early stages, when they were still working about the melodies and making the lyrics perfect. After that they always sang it together. But now there he was, in a plaid shirt with sleeves rolled over and characteristic dark skinny jeans, singing it on his own, eyes closed as he cradled the mic in his hands and guitar laying on his back, strapped over his chest.   

Emma couldn’t help a small smile appear on her face. God, she had missed him so much. And all because of such a stupid reason.

Once the song came to an end, Emma looked down at Henry as the arena exploded in cheers. He must have seen the sad smile on her lips, because he smiled back and nudged closer, reaching for her hand to give it a reassuring squeeze.

“Good evening LA!” Killian screamed, rewarding himself with deafening cheers from his audience.

His eyes scanned the people in front of him for a few seconds before his eyes met hers. He grinned at her as he brought the microphone at his lips once again. “Oh, you look beautiful tonight.”

More cheers erupted from the crowd behind her, but he still was looking right at her. A blush spread on her cheeks as realisation drew upon her.

Her. He meant she was beautiful, not the whole audience.

Emma took it as an answer to her previous question. Yes, he had been on it too, and honestly that made the butterflies in her stomach come back to life. She felt tears pool in her eyes and she bit her lip. She wasn’t going to cry, no way. She just wanted to try have fun.

Killian started to sing again.

He sang all her favorites of his songs that night. Everyone was having so much fun that by the end of the concert they asked him in chorus to sing just one more, upset that it was already over. Everyone except Henry.

Emma frowned, but the answers to her questions were given once Killian gave in and got ready to sing once again.

His fingers started plucking at the cords of his guitar playing an unrecognisable tune as he said, “This song is for someone very special who came into my life and made it a thousand times better.” His eyes met hers briefly. “This song is for you, love.”

Emma’s eyes widened and the arena grew quiet as Killian started to sing. It was a new song, so different from all the others he had ever written. His eyes never left hers as he sung words of love and heartache with such simplicity and softness that a knot soon formed in Emma’s throat.

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it’s the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing makes us feel alive

Lulled by the music, her mind started to wander. Flashes of memories from the past year appeared in front of her eyes. The audition; sharing a coffee in the studios; their first date; the first time out at sea; watching movies only to fall asleep on the couch; the night in the woods he asked her to move in; their first kiss; waking up in his arms on a normal day; getting breakfast ready while dancing in the kitchen. And then all the silly arguments they had; the beginning hostility between them; the heartache that keeping themselves at distance brought; her running away, slamming the door in his face twice.

We keep this love in this photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts were never broken

And time’s forever frozen still

So you can keep me

Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans

Holding me closer ‘til our eyes meet

You won’t ever be alone

And if you hurt me

That’s okay baby, only words bleed

Inside these pages you just hold me

And I won’t ever let you go

She had been so caught up in the memories that she hadn’t noticed the tears streaming down her cheeks, nor Killian putting down the guitar and walking to the stage’s right wing. As the song was quickly coming to an end, Emma watched him walk down the stairs.

Killian walked towards her, singing the last lyrics and her heart began beating faster and faster. By the time he was singing the last line, he’d gotten right in front of her. Softly, he reached for her cheek, caressing the tears away.

It was then, when the last few notes echoed in the arena and the audience started cheering, that their lips finally met in a kiss.

That was the night Emma went back home.

If didn’t take them much to get back to their normal life. She would still apologize for running away, both through words and actions, while he’d find any occasion to hold her and whisper how much he loved her, but they both knew they would be alright no matter what.

Decorating the house for Christmas had been a nice way to get the gears of their relationship run smoothly once again. They put fairy lights by the path and over the trees by the pool, they got a fully real tree for their living room and spent enough money on decorations to make most people’s eyes widen comically.

They took their time, but once done, the place had gotten a kinda magical homey feel.

They decided to stay home on Christmas Eve, spending the day shamelessly snuggling up on the couch while watching movies and enjoying each other’s company. It was quiet, something that definitely shouldn’t be the following day celebrating with all their friends and family.

It was a few minutes before midnight that Killian lightly nudged her as the titles of their last movie rolled over the screen. Odd. She didn’t remember how the film ended.

“You dozed off about ten minutes ago, love,” Killian informed her, seeing her brows knotting in confusion.

“Oh,” Emma said, a bit upset that she had missed the end. “Tell me how it ended?”

Killian chuckled, guiding her upstairs and into the music room. “Maybe later. First I have something for you.”

Emma sat with a sigh on the couch and watched him go get something from one of the desk’s drawers. “What are we doing here? I thought we were going to bed.”

He laughed nervously as he walked up to her keeping whatever he got in his hand from her sight before sitting next to her. Emma felt her stomach do a flip and her heart beating faster, noticing how nervous he suddenly looked.

Killian’s eyes met hers for a second, before falling on his slightly bouncing leg. “I just wanted to give you something.”

“It’s not Christmas yet,” Emma observed, glancing at the clock on the wall. “Didn’t we agree to exchange presents tomorrow with all the others?”

“Yeah but,” Killian took a deep breath before handing her a cylindrical-shaped thing, eyes meeting hers once again, “I wanted to give you this without anyone around. It’s the sheet music of the song you heard the other day. Your song.”

Trying to keep the tears at bay, Emma smiled, looking down at the present. It was just a simple couple of pages, rolled up perfectly to have the title of the song, “Photograph”, right on top and tied up with a red satin bow. That only would have been enough to make her heart burst in her chest, but then her eyes caught the small sparkling object knotted in the middle of the bow.

A ring. A simple, beautiful white gold ring with small diamonds running on its band up to the bigger stone.

Her vision grew blurry, but her eyes couldn’t leave the ring as her mind started racing. Was that it? Was he actually going to ask her to marry him? Because she was this close to breathe out a yes over the knot that had formed in her throat before he’d even ask and she had to know if it was actually it before making a fool of herself and hitting him for making her think so. After kissing him, of course. But seriously, if he wasn’t really proposing she was going to hit him.

Killian cleared his throat making her look up from her lap only to find him kneeling in front of her. She hadn’t even noticed him moving and suddenly all the air was knocked out of her lungs. Suddenly, she wasn’t that sure she could manage to form any sound anymore.

“I wrote that song one night, thinking about how far we’d come. As I was lost in my memories I tried to pinpoint the exact moment I fell for you, but I couldn’t. I think a part of me fell for you as I listened you sing, but after that I feel like I loved you a little more every moment we spent together, and I still do, every day. When we met, I never thought I would love someone so deeply and completely after everything that had happened, and I definitely didn’t believe in love at first sight. But you came along and turned my world upside down. And here I am now, kneeling in front of this beautiful, fantastic woman I love and dream of spending the rest of my life with.

“So, Emma Swan, what do you say?” He asked, voice cracking. “Will you marry me?”

Tears streaming down her cheeks, Emma smiled brightly and nodded as she leaned forward to whisper her answer on his lips before kissing him.   

With the new year, so finally came Mary Margaret and David’s wedding.

Minor last minute crisis aside, it had been a beautiful ceremony. Mary Margaret looked stunning in her white dress and Ruby had cried during their vows, which made Emma cry too. She was fairly certain David had teared up at some point too, but she wasn’t sure. She’d have to ask Killian once he got away from the piano.

No one, aside from Emma, had imagined they would get an impromptu mini concert by the famous Killian Jones himself. Not even the newlyweds did, who had to be forcibly shoved on the dance floor for their first dance when Killian had started singing their song. Now that the shock had worn off though, most of the guests had joined the dancing couples as the other chatted, waiting for their drinks to kick in before busting their moves.

Emma, instead, was standing by the side, watching people twirl in front of her and listening to her fiancè sing as she absent-mindedly toyed with the ring on her finger with a smile on her lips. Her mind went back of a few weeks, on what had been the best Christmas of her life, surely the first of many incredible ones.

She and Killian had showed up at Regina’s for Christmas lunch only slightly late after spending far too long in the shower, but surprisingly no one realized. Be it Christmas or the general excitement and worry about getting everything ready and perfect, but whatever it was they were thankful for it. They had talked about it and they both agreed that they wanted to surprise everyone with the news, and not getting grilled about being late definitely allowed that.

It was a very nice day, overall. They had lunch, chatting and laughing away about the weirdest things, before they all gathered around the tree in the living room to open the presents. During all of that, Emma definitely didn’t try to hide her left hand, and yet no one seemed to notice.

Henry, being the oldest child present, was deemed responsible for the presents distribution. It was him in the end who, when bringing Emma’s present to her, noticed the ring and made his congratulations.

After that there was an explosion of “Oh”s and kisses and hugs and wedding talk. Mary Margaret especially seemed ready to throw herself into another wedding to plan, much to everyone’s surprise.

“So…” Emma jumped at the feeling of somebody’s hands on her waist, too lost in her mind to notice that Killian had finished singing, but at the sound of his voice she soon relaxed in his arms. “Pray tell me, how is it possible for such a beautiful lady not to have found a fine gentleman to dance with tonight?”

Emma purred quietly at the feel of the way his breath tickled her ear as a playful grin appeared on her lips. “Maybe I’m not interested in just a gentleman,” she said, turning around in his arms to face him. “Maybe I was waiting for a pirate.”

Killian’s eyes darkened as his tongue poked out to wet his lips. “Well, it looks like you found one then. Shall we?”

He guided her in the middle of the dancing crowd, joining them in a slow waltz, only after little hesitation on her part. Soon though, they gave up on following the right moves.

It was then, swaying slowly in his arms, head resting on his chest, that the image of her in a white dress, slow dancing with her husband, didn’t seem so out of reach.

[chaoticghost21]

1-100

Oh shit, that's all of them. Ya know what, its midnight and I'm really fuckin stoned let's do this motherfuckers1. What is you middle name?Cheyann2. How old are you?18 (19 in less than a month)3. When is your birthday?April 22 4. What is your zodiac sign?Taurus but on the cusp of aries and Taurus 5. What is your favorite color?Probably blue or purple 6. What’s your lucky number?217. Do you have any pets?5 dogs8. Where are you from?Oregon in the us9. How tall are you?5'510. What shoe size are you?10 in women's11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?9 i think but they all have holes in then and are ratty (other than my vans and my brown boots that are technically my mom's but they're mine now) so i really only wear one pair of converse12. What was your last dream about?All Time Low broke up and I had a meltdown public. like in this dream i fell to the ground screaming no and i was in public then yelled that this day was worse than March 2213. What talents do you have?I can draw, paint, bake, craft, play flute, sing, write, and compose music14. Are you psychic in any way?Possibly, I've definitely had some moments but idk15. Favorite song?THIS IS THE HARDEST QUESTION EVER. FAVORITE SONG IN GENERAL? RIGHT NOW? WHAT? HOW DO I ANSWER??? UMMMM SUMMER STAINED BY BROADSIDE BECAUSE ITS BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE IT16. Favorite movie?Either The Lovely Bones or The Perks of Being a Wallflower17. Who would be your ideal partner?I have no idea but can they be respectful, nice, have musical ability, and a good sense of humor please?18. Do you want children?Yes but I want to adopt19. Do you want a church wedding?No20. Are you religious?Nope21. Have you ever been to the hospital?Yes, many times, sadly22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?Yes, when I was little me, my older cousins, and their friends got yelled at by cops for not having bike helmets but me being me I said I didn't actually live anywhere around there and my helmet was at home and this wasnt my bike (all true) so the cops let me go back to my aunts house while they continued to yell at the other kids23. Have you ever met any celebrities?Yeah, I met Tim, the bass from Home Free24. Baths or showers?Showers 25. What color socks are you wearing?They are Gryffindor colors26. Have you ever been famous?No but I've been on the news many times (i wanna be famous though)27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?Yes, i would love to be because i wanna hello people with my music the way music helped me 28. What type of music do you like?Like rock and any subgenre of rock (pop punk, punk, alternative, metal, post hardcore, etc)29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?Nope30. How many pillows do you sleep with?4 because that's all i have, sadly 31. What position do you usually sleep in?On my right side32. How big is your house?Small. We have 3 rooms but they're all small with tiny bathrooms, tiny kitchen, and tiny living room. I hate that all i have in my room is a queen size mattress and I barely have room for anything else33. What do you typically have for breakfast?Nothing34. Have you ever fired a gun?Yes, a few times35. Have you ever tried archery?No, i was offered the chance but i was too pissed off at the person to take them up on their offer36. Favorite clean word?POMEGRANATE37. Favorite swear word?Either motherfucker, asshat, or shitass38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?Over a week39. Do you have any scars?Yeah, on my hand, legs, and belly button (hand: idk, i accidentally stabbed a pair of scissors into my hand while craftingLegs: I'm really jumpy and someone threw a remote past me to someome else and i was sitting on the arm of the couch and fell off when i flinched and landed into 2 plastic storage boxes 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?No, people don't like me that much41. Are you a good liar?Yep, I've lied a lot in my life and no one knows 42. Are you a good judge of character?Sometimes43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?When I talk a lot I accidentally go into an Australian accent and I don't know why or how. I can also do a southern and British 44. Do you have a strong accent?Nah dude, pacific west coast, we don't got that much of one45. What is your favorite accent?AUSTRALIAN OR IRISH46. What is your personality type?idk my dude 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?My prom dress from 3 years ago 48. Can you curl your tongue?Nope49. Are you an innie or an outie?Innie50. Left or right handed?Right51. Are you scared of spiders?Terrified52. Favorite food?Pizza or teriyaki chicken53. Favorite foreign food?If what I get at my local sushi place is considered foreign then that54. Are you a clean or messy person?Messy. I'm so cluttered and scattered its not even funny55. Most used phrased?I'm gonna play this song 56. Most used word?Fuck57. How long does it take for you to get ready?15 minutes without makeup or making my hair look nice anywhere from an hour to 2 of I wear makeup and make my hair look nice58. Do you have much of an ego?No, I pretend to though. Fake confidence helps me59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?Suck but sometimes I get bored and decide to cronch60. Do you talk to yourself?Yes, I sometimes need expert advice and no one else I know is smart enough to give it to me (aka what I say to assholes who mock me for talking to myself lol)61. Do you sing to yourself?ALWAYS. I sing without knowing62. Are you a good singer?I think so, I meann that's what I wanna nake a career out of so I hope I am63. Biggest Fear?Dying without making an impact or difference in the world or not accomplishing my dreams64. Are you a gossip?No, unless you screw me over65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?Idk whats considered drama, other than Disney movies, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Lovely Bones, and Tolkien movie, and a few others I really only watch horror movies66. Do you like long or short hair?Looonnggg (I cut my hair short when I was little and it never grew back the same and I hate it)67. Can you name all 50 states of America?I think so but don't ask me ANYTHING about capitals 68. Favorite school subject?Music69. Extrovert or Introvert?An extroverted introvert ( I'm pretty introverted but it really depends on my mood)70. Have you ever been scuba diving?Nope71. What makes you nervous?Everything72. Are you scared of the dark?Yes73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?Sometimes74. Are you ticklish?VERY75. Have you ever started a rumor?No76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?No unless you count me being the leader of my choir, the flute section, and my old friend grouo77. Have you ever drank underage?Yeah which is how we found out I'm allergic to alcohol78. Have you ever done drugs?If marijuana counts then yes (I'm under the influence right now)79. Who was your first real crush?No one, I've never actually has one80. How many piercings do you have?None81. Can you roll your Rs?“No82. How fast can you type?Idk, pretty fast though (taking typing classes all elementary school helped that. They got tired of us so they made us do Mavis Beacon so they could get away from us and not have to teach us)83. How fast can you run?Not very, I have shitty knees and can barely walk (not a joke)84. What color is your hair?Really faded red but will be bright blue soon85. What color is your eyes?Green86. What are you allergic to?A LOT. Cats, alcohol, dairy products (lactose intolerant), pollen, like 5 different kinds of weeds, grass, a little bit to dogs, i think I'm a little bit to weed, bed bugs, dust, mold, flea shampoo, and I think that's it87. Do you keep a journal?No88. What do your parents do?Watch TV and smoke weed89. Do you like your age?Eh not really I'm almost 19 and haven't accomplished anything, no job, can't drive, still in high school90. What makes you angry?Many many things. Disrespect of any form is the biggest one though91. Do you like your own name?Eh, its okay. My mom told me the other name she had picked out for me and I wish she would've gone with that one (Kassadee Cheyann or Devyn Taylor... I'm emo as hell and seem slowly becoming more punk. Devyn would've fit me wayyy better)92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?I've thought of a few. I've always had either Ansley, Quinn, Spencer, or Talia for a girl and Jayden or Jace for a boy or Ash for any because I've always liked that name (fun fact I used to go by Ash or Ashton when I was questioning gender in high school [gender fluid] so my friends called me that)93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?Any, I don't really care. Gender doesn't matter to me at all94. What are you strengths?Imma copy and paste from my resume lol...Back from my resume and this is what it said: Dexterity, public performance, customer service, directing, leading, persistence, competitiveness, creativity, sound discrimination, listening, and writing95. What are your weaknesses?I'm afraid of everything, I'm very paranoid, and I have anxiety and depression96. How did you get your name?There was some character on a TV show my mom saw while pregnant whos name was Cassidy but my mom wanted a better spelling 97. Were your ancestors royalty?Doubt it98. Do you have any scars?Yes... This was also #3999. Color of your bedspread?BLACK100. Color of your room?White. My room is boring and I've never done any decoration in it.DONE. I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS TOOK ALMOAT AN HOUR HOLY SHIT

[lxvepotions]

[ selena gomez, pansexual, she/her, female ] who was that walking around manhattan? it was LUCY HOWARD. they’re TWENTY SIX, and originally come from BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA. they’re known as THE HASBEEN, and they are a SINGER. when i hear their name, i think of WHITE DRESS WITH SCRAPPED KNEES, BOOKS STACKED HIGH NEXT TO HER BED, FLORAL SCENTS WITH A DASH OF SUNSHINE . i hear they’re INDEPENDENT and COMPASSIONATE, but i wouldn’t mess with them, because people say they’re PROTECTIVE and SARCASTIC too.

tw: cancer, death, abuse, eating disorder, neglect, car accident, drug addiction, alcoholism, cheating, self mutilation, murder & suicide. 

lucy was born a twin. she was named after a beatles song, and her sister caroline was named after the neil diamond song. they were her mother’s favorite songs, but their mother wouldn’t live to tell them that because she died during childbirth due to complications with a brain tumor that had gone untreated.

they were raised by their father, who put them into dancing just as there mother was. their father was very hard on the two of them, and the two never really felt any love when it came from him. even when they were the top of their classes or got the lead in a recital he always found something to be angry with them about.

it wasn’t until they were older did they find out it was because of his drinking that he was so mean two them, but as they got older and the more and more they looked like their mother the meaner he got. he would tell lucy she needed to lose weight and be thin like her sister, and make it to where she couldn’t eat for days. 

with the constant about her weight, lucy gained a body distortion disorder and constantly believed she wasn’t good enough or thin enough. she rarely ate and when she did it was very small portions. 

by the time they were 14, caroline had started to rebel, and because of their father’s drunken stupor couldn’t tell the two apart, and if her sister was gone, she got twice as much abuse while she was gone. it was never something she blamed the girl for, and in reality she would have done it again if it meant protecting her sister. 

around the time of their fifteenth birthday, they girls received a letter from an unknown source, and all it said was their name on it. When they opened it and read it, their lives were turned upside down. As it turned out, they weren’t their father’s kids. 

They were a man named Austin Tucker’s. It was who there mother was in love with, but her parents didn’t approve of. Because of this, she was forced to be married to who they had always known to be their father. the letter was from their mother, and it gave them details on where to find this man. 

The very next day the two of them set out to find him, but instead they found his mother. That died they found out their father was dead as well. You see he had been drinking the night they were born and left in a rage, saying he was going to be there when his daughters were born and nothing could stop him. 

On his way he got into a car accident and died on impact. it was in the same our that their mother had died. For Lucy the story had always been something she held dear to. While it was a tragic story, it was still a love story. Caroline took it as there was no one to save them now, and dove deeper into her rebellion. 

Lucy on the other hand only grew deeper into her depression. She stayed on top of her studies and dancing that way she could leave and never come back. When she graduated high school she finally decided that she was going to Julliard in New York. It was far enough away where her father couldn’t keep his grasp on her. 

Everything was perfect, until she met a boy by the name of Nate. His curl hair and green eyes were something she just fell in love with. You see, he saved her one night. She was crying in the park by herself and he stopped and offered her a place to stay for the night. Which turned into her becoming his roommate and soon after the two were together. 

It was all perfect. Her sister had moved to New York to be closer to her, as well as her childhood best friend Sam, and even she was seeing someone. It was as if she finally got her happily ever after, or so she thought. 

Skip forward a few months and she’s having drinks with a friend of her’s Marissa, who lets it slip that Nate had cheated on Lucy, which his best friend Xavier, who was also dating her best friend Same.

Once again her life crashed down around her. The only person who she thought would never hurt her had done exactly that. She confronted him and he swore it would never happen again. She believed him so she stayed. 

What he promised her was broken on multiple occasions, and instead of leaving the men, her and her best friend stayed. For what reason, they’ll never know. That was until one night at a party, Lucy got drunk. She said some hurtful things to Nate after finding out once again he’d slept with Xavier, and he went home. Later Xavier found her, and took her back to his place, where they wound up sleeping together. 

Lucy told Sam what had happened and apologized instantly, trying her best to get back in her good graces, but Sam never left her side. Same forgave her almost instantly, but Xavier was a different case. She left him, and her and Lucy were going to go away for awhile and let the two of them figure out what they wanted. 

On the way to the airport, Lucy was driving. They were talking and laughing when they were hit by a car and threw into oncoming traffic. Sam died instantly because she wasn’t wearing a seat belt, while Lucy survived. It was something she still has guilt about to this day. 

When Nate found out he was the first to the hospital, staying by her side every moment and begging her not to leave him. When she finally awoke he was the first thing she saw. 

She had broken her leg and would never be able to dance again, so she was dropped from Julliard. Her father was not happy about it and paid a visit to her after she got out of the hospital. 

He came to her apartment and started hitting her. Nate had gone out for the night as she had requested so he wouldn’t be there to witness any of it or so he wouldn’t get hurt trying to save her. 

One thing led to another, and in an attempt to protect herself, she pushed him away and he fell back hitting his head on the glass table and shattering it beneath him. He was no longer breathing, and she got scared. 

She called Marissa and she was there shortly after, helping her to hide the body. The girl said she would take care of it for her, and not to worry about it. So that’s exactly what she did. 

The next day she went to visit her sister, and right after she knocked on the door heard and scream and a thud. Lucy quickly found her way inside by busting open a window and barging in. That’s where she found her twin sister lying in the bathtub with the shower still running over her, and draining blood from the wounds on her wrists. 

Her sister didn’t make it and most would say that was her breaking point, because the girl left. She didn’t tell anyone, or talk to anyone after, she just left to never be heard from again. 

Now it’s been six years since she last lived in New York, and only because her therapist said it would be good for her to go back and try and accept the things that once happened to her. 

[lattaescript]

Roman Holiday ||02||

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Word Count: 5.0k 

Genres: Angst, Fluff, idol!verse, implied smut

pt. 1

It was a mistake. A one night mistake that you spent with your heartbroken best friend. And after that mistake, you ran away and erase all your traces. And years later you reunite at your idol group’s fansign…

When you thought about nothing, he came to mind. He appeared in your dreams, and he appeared in your nightmares. But the memories of him were not of that fateful night, but all the times before that. The good times.

You met Jungkook at the age of 14 in middle school, and he was the boy who you fought with because he stole your eraser. You remember both you and Jungkook simultaneously being scolded by your homeroom teacher, and while she nagged on and spit out yellow saliva, the two of you looked at each other and burst out snorts and hysteric laughs, which lead you two to get in even more trouble. You and Jungkook were joined at the hips ever since that day. But you became more and more aware of Jungkook as he grew more taller, and puberty blessed him nicely. And it was at age 17 you realize you were in love with him, when he sang a rendition of This Song by 2AM while he locked his eyes with yours, gleaming an incommunicable spell of emotions. And ever since then, the two of you were starstruck over the galaxies of singers. Jungkook locked his pinky with yours.

“Let’s be one someday. A star. You and I,” Jungkook breathes with excitement.

“Me? Nuh-uh. No way. Not me,” you shake your head excessively. Jungkook rolled his eyes.

“What do you mean not me. Yes, you. I heard you singing in the showers. Ethereal. And besides, you just have that natural entertainer feel.”

You scoff.

“Wow, you must think that I’m your clone. First of all, anyone can sing well in the showers. It’s a fact. And that “natural entertainer feel”? That’s literally the definition of you,” you retorted.

“No. You should hear my neighbor. He definitely cannot sing, even with the power of the bathroom reverb. And trust me, Y/N. When have I ever been wrong?”

Many times, you wanted to reply. But you let that thought sink for a minute. Because whether he was right or wrong, you knew he knew about your passion. He knew the way you looked at the microphone he held while practicing the 2AM song. Because deep down inside, you had a raging fire of ardor in you that had only begun to ignite. Time only served as oil pouring on to that very fire.

So both of you had seemingly sold your souls to reach that goal. You and Jungkook had went through hell and back when trying to convince your parents to let you pursue that dream. And when Jungkook helped give that final push when he showed a recording of you singing, you hugged him so tightly he groaned from pain. Your face lit up brightly as you quickly pulled away from him, and you thought you see his own face flush a shade or two as well.

As long as we are together, we can do anything.

That is what you truly believed back then.

But all of that had changed when he met her. Kwon Mina– the girl who took away your lucky star.

You were already heartbroken enough when he announced he was dating someone. It wasn’t a surprise– he was quite popular as the “pretty music boy” and were always followed by the eyes of infatuated and lustful girls. But because he paid no heed to the swarm of girls, you always thought you would have a chance. But time waits for no one. And so Jeon Jungkook didn’t wait for you. Because you realize he didn’t have to.

Kwon Mina was a gorgeous girl to say the least. You couldn’t deny that she was like a mirror to Jeon Jungkook; they were a match made in heaven. Not many can believe that a person who holds that much sex appeal was not tainted by being spoiled by their popularity.

 But, much to your own chagrin, she believes herself to be a regular person among the crowds, treating people with as much as respect as they should. She never failed to wave hello to you, talk to you, ask how you are doing, and to take care. Every single one of her small actions held genuine friendliness and you wondered how a person like her exists. Perhaps that was why Jungkook was attracted to her. As much as you wanted to hate her, you couldn’t. Because she wasn’t one of those girls who showed up to take away the main heroine’s man, the girl who was called a bitch by all the moviegoers. No– she was the heroine to her own movie, and you were just one of many side characters to watch her and her boyfriend fall in love. You couldn’t hate her, but you started to hate yourself. How you felt such ugly emotions seize your entire being for a girl who did no wrong. You wanted her and her relationship with Jungkook to fall apart, and you hated that part of yourself so much. Perhaps that was why you held so much guilt to this day.

You were being a human. The ugly, revolting part of being a human.

But so was Kwon Mina.

Throughout the beginning of their relationship, everything seemed like a honeymoon. They were so much in love, and you saw the pure tenderness dripping from their eyes. Even you were sure there was absolutely nothing to dilapidate their relationship. But alas, their relationship began to change. You didn’t know exactly when it reached the tipping point, but little by little, there were drastic changes of attitude in Mina. When Jungkook asked to hang out with you, she started to show hesitation. Even if Jungkook reassured her that it was purely because it was dance practice, she seemed to be visibly displeased by the time taken away by his practice. She asked him to come home early, and the time she requested for him to be back by began to be earlier each time. That genuine smile that Mina had always given you became more and more forced, until it had disappeared completely and she had only given you a look of evasion to full on indignation. And then their relationship escalated into a toxicity that began to break both of them down. Mina became more and more paranoid of you and Jungkook. Jungkook, not knowing what to do, tried his absolute very best to dispel her insecurities. He began to prioritize his relationship with Mina over his dreams– his promise with you. He skipped practice sporadically, and soon, he stopped coming altogether.

That was when you were truly, truly heartbroken. Because you realized he had left you behind. Mina had changed, but so did Jungkook.

But you were there. Throughout their lengthy, arduous, toxic relationship, you were there– albeit a ghost to the two of them. A ghost that Jungkook had always relied on whenever he fought with Mina. A ghost who he confided in on how to propose to her. A ghost that Jungkook had saw as a vacation away from Mina. A ghost who was always left behind in the end.

Until that fateful night, you decided to leave instead.

Both Mina and you were only human. Both of you were beautiful and held hearts that were once truly pure.

And what made the two of you harbor such vile emotions?

Love– the supposedly most beautiful thing the world had to offer.

“You evil maknae! Y/N! Get up!!”

Sohyun, the one and only Euphoria’s main dancer as well as the oldest of the group, woke you up with a playful smack on your head with a pillow.

You were still in a daze even after your head was met with a slightly painful greeting of white cotton.

Ever since the fateful fansign 6 months ago, you have had recurring dreams about the past, now so more than ever. You haven’t seen him since then, but you can’t help but feel constantly revisited by him because your mind was now being invaded by thoughts of him more than ever.

“…Y/N? You still don’t feel well?”

Sohyun stopped in her tracks as the pillow’s projectiles had froze in midair, and tilted her head in worry. You smile at her frown and shake your head.

“Nah, just still half-asleep. Probably need to eat something though. We have morning practice then a schedule in the afternoon right?”

Sohyun released her frown of worry and nodded.

“Mmhmm. That’s what the Manager-unnie said.”

All of the other 6 members of Euphoria were like family to you. You had left your hometown whilst still young and naive (not to mention heartbroken and mentally exhausted), and the transition to the bigger city all by yourself was overwhelming in itself. But alas, during your days as a trainee, your members were the one who warmly took care of you. Though you were often babied as the youngest, they had taught you the wisdom and courage to survive in the entertainment world. They had shared your burdens, and the seven of you had swore to one day debut and be one of the best out there. It was no lie that even the public can see how strong the bond between the seven girls of Euphoria was.

They, Eunju in particular, were quite overprotective of you. And ever since the fansign nearly 6 months ago, they were quite adamant that you were subject to more rest and less fan service. Though your expressions were discreet enough that none of your petrified interactions with Jungkook were caught on camera, you failed to escape the sharp eyes of your fellow members. They knew that this “mystery fan” had something to do with your clear fatigue, but only pretended not to notice.

They believed that you would tell them when you were ready, so all they had been doing was check on your condition.

You pat Sohyun on the head and started to get out of bed.

“Hey! You evil maknae, you’re younger than me. How dare you pat my head!”

She started to chase you around as you run away while laughing.

Later that afternoon, your group had a recording for M! Countdown. While waiting for your members to get their makeup completed, you laid down the nearest sofa to get some shuteye.

“Ahh. Y/N is asleep. Good thing, cause she hasn’t really been able to sleep well for the past couple of days,” you hear Eunju speak.

“Mmhmm. She scared the living shit out of me, unnie. I saw her spacing out in the kitchen at 3AM and I thought she was a ghost,” Yuhee whispered dramatically.

Rihye, the oldest of the maknae line, had shifted her seat to face Yuhee and Eunju.

“Do you think it still has to do with that fansign? I mean, ever since then she’s never been the same,” Rihye muttered worriedly.

“It’s been 6 months though. I was hoping she would tell us what’s going on sooner,” Tia, the second oldest, walked over to where you were and pulled a blanket over you. You sense the fourth oldest member, Sooha, gently placing your head over her lap.

Eunju sighed in response.

“I don’t want to assume it’s the guy. She may be just tired with our jam-packed schedule. Being the Nation’s Angel is a pretty pressuring job, after all.”

Sohyun scoffs.

“I have never seen her act like the way she did. She may have been professional enough to mask it, but she was avoiding eye contact with him as much as possible. Whoever that shithead is and whatever shit he did, I’ll make him pay.”

You tried your entire best not to start crying– it would have given away the fact that you were still awake. But your heart had wrenched with both guilt and gratitude, and you swore that you would pick yourself up on your feet quicker than ever. And one day, when you were ready, you would hope to tell your second family everything that lead you to the person you are now. Including meeting them.

But you didn’t think that day would be today.

“Y/N-ah! Wake up. There is a rookie group that’s debuting today, and they came to give their greetings,” Tia gently whispered while softly nudging you awake.

You slowly pretended to wake up, rubbing your eyes sleepily while muttering an “okay” to the rest of the members. You walked up to the front of the waiting room to catch up with your team, but your heart had stopped and so did your entire world.

Because you saw him.

Jeon Jungkook, breathing and well.

“2,3! We are BTS! We are long time fans of you, Euphoria-sunbaenim! Please watch over us warmly!”

The group consisted of 7 charming boys, all looking like mavericks against harsh society. A tall man had stepped out of his formation to shake hands first. He must have been the leader.

“My name is Namjoon. Nice to meet you.”

Eunju also had stepped over to the front, leader alike.

“I’m Eunju. We heard great things about you guys. Groups like you are rare nowaday. I know you guys will succeed.”

The 7 boys had brightened up their nervous faces when Eunju casually patted them on the back. Despite her charismatic and intimidating demeanor, Eunju was probably the kindest and most understanding out of all the Euphoria members.

But to you, everything that was happening was a blur.

How…how the hell was Jeon Jungkook…?

The other members did not seem to recognize his face. After all, his hair was dyed and his face was adorned with makeup. And only Eunju and Yuhee, who was next to you during the fansign, had looked at him more closely.

But you wouldn’t be able to miss his face. The face that kept popping up in your dreams. The face that you had always run away from.

And the face that you missed.

Your face had paled and you couldn’t speak. The other members were busy conversing with the rest of the boys, but you were not able to register anything that was happening.

“So this is our maknae, Jungkookie,” one of the boys, Jimin, had pushed him out of the corner of the room. “He’s the same age as Y/N-sunbaenim!”

You froze.

Shit.

“O-oh. Um. Yes. I- I’m Y/N, nice to meet you.”

You felt embarrassed– you were a senior yet you lacked a professional front. You clear your throat and tried again.

“Sorry, I guess I’m just in a daze since I just woke up. I’m Y/N!”

Jungkook locked eyes with yours. You had never thought that you would see yourself reflect upon those doe eyes once again. But time and time again, you were proved wrong.

“I’m Jungkook. I have personally been a long time fan of you, Y/N-sunbaenim.”

There were a clash of oohs from both groups. Jimin slapped him playfully on the arm for his bravado. But the two of you were in a world of your own.

He was looking for something in your eyes, and you were trying to hide it the best you can. You felt dizzy as a wave of chest pains had taken over you. Feeling vulnerable once again, you quickly look down at the ground.

Eunju was the first to perceive your awkward demeanor and she quickly stood in between you and Jungkook.

“Ah, isn’t it almost time for you guys to be in recording? You guys should get going,” Eunju smoothly transitioned.

“Ah, you’re right. Well, thanks so much for your time,” Namjoon replied unsuspectingly.

“Yeah of course! Good luck!”

Tia and Rihye ushered them out while the remaining members had to stay to finish their dressing preparations. After checking that they finally left, Eunju had whispered to you.

“Hey…was that…?”

You slowly nodded. Eunju didn’t say anything more but gently patted your back.

You weren’t allowed to run away anymore.

You were so sure that he would never be able to find you. Even if he did, he would always be separated by a TV screen. But you had a gut feeling ever since the day of that fansign. They say if you leave a mess a mess, it would always come back to haunt you. And now, it may have become an even bigger mess since the last time you remembered.

After your recording, you see Jungkook in the hallway. He had been near your waiting room once again. A sense of panic washes over you– he was alone.

Honestly, just fuck it.

You quickly grab his arm and pull him aside a discreet corner, in hopes he isn’t seen by anyone.

“Okay…What…How…like, why are you here?” You struggled to keep your voice at a minimum and you scrambled to find your words. There were millions of questions in your head and only one was unintelligibly able to escape from your mouth.

He blankly stared at you.

“…What do you mean? I’m a member of BTS now. I kinda debuted today.”

You shoot him a glare.

“You know that’s not what I mean. Are you a fucking stalker? What the hell are you doing? You…you’re not supposed to be here.”

Jungkook crosses his arm, leans against the wall and sighs.

“And? Who are you to tell me whether I’m supposed to be here or not? You don’t own this world, Y/N. I’ve worked probably just as hard as you to get here, and I’m going to stay here. No, I’m gonna go far– way farther than you.”

Your jaws dropped.

“Is that a challenge?” You say in disbelief.

He gives you a smug look. He closes the distance between you and him, and you step back only once and realize you were against the wall. Your eyes widen when you realize his face was only an inch away from yours. Though he had a cold front a few moments ago, his eyes spoke differently. It was almost full of uncertainty, but completed with hope. And yet again, he was searching for an answer to a question both you and him remained quite unsure of.

“And once I surpass you, I’m not letting you run away. Not anymore,” he whispered in a low voice.

Your shock overtook you once more and paralyzed your ability to speak again. Jungkook smoothly turned around and walked away while you forgot to breathe.

And it was only after your lungs screamed at you to breathe that you finally exhaled.

I hate him so much. I hate him so much.

Your mind flashes back to the very night he had last come that close to your face. That night you were in tears and you left him. This time, tears were the last thing that you wanted to spill. You clench your fist to your burning heart as you watched him leave. Your chest pains felt familiar, but it was not the pains you had felt until just recently. It was the same chest pains that made your face red and feverish and giddy inside.

God, please don’t let me do anything stupid.

As if you weren’t plagued with enough emotional weight, you were physically worked to the core for the recent comeback. Music shows, fansigns and variety shows back to back, your eyes had barely enough time to blink. Despite your fellow members constantly worrying about your health, you had considerably gotten better after the day you had finally talked to Jungkook. Not as the Nation’s Angel Y/N and Jungkook of BTS, but as just two helpless people trying to figure out what went wrong. It had felt like at least some feathers of the iron weight burden were lifted off.

Needless to say, you didn’t want to see Jungkook again. You weren’t ready– you don’t think you will ever be. A part of you had reassured yourself that just because he was now a junior idol, he wasn’t necessarily a part of your everyday life. The entertainment world was extremely large– there are a large amount of idols that have never met each other. However, you now realized that he was a lot closer to you than you think. In the scene of the public, you’d have to act cordial with him. You were an idol and so was he– you both would have to put personal feelings and the past aside. But, it was now improbable that you can just pack your bags and leave for the next city.

After you all had returned to the dorms, you plumped down on your bed. As you mapped out probabilities and all the what-ifs, your head had started to hurt.

You groan as you rub your temple.

“Y/N I swear to god if you groan one more time I will tackle you to tell me what the hell is wrong with you.”

You immediately sit up at the stern voice.

“Eunju-unnie…”

“Don’t get mad, trust me, I tried knocking. It didn’t work. I heard groaning through the walls, and honestly? Yuhee was right. If I didn’t know any better I would have thought our dorms were haunted.”

You sighed.

“I’m sorry.”

Eunju had also sighed as she plopped down next to you.

“Look, I tried really hard to be patient. Me and the others really did our best to give you space. And even though you say you got better, I–no we, know you well enough to know that you’re lying. As a leader, I’m gonna have to be the one to say the harsh stuff– you kept making mistakes during practice, and you keep zoning out during the MC portions. Some of the fans have already started to notice…I don’t think it will be long until it goes around.”

“I’m so sorry…I…all I do is make mistakes, unnie.” Your lips start to quiver as your head hangs low with shame and guilt. You were frustrated with yourself for being so unable to deal with your own feelings.

Eunju had pushed your head onto her shoulder. She had always done that to other members when they needed some kind of consolation, but she most especially did that to you. She gently patted your head.

“I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to scold you. I just need you to tell me what’s going on. I don’t dislike your mistakes. I only dislike what’s making you so sad. You are loved by not only us but millions of fans. And if you are sad, we can’t help but feel sad too. And that’s not what we worked so hard to achieve, right?”

Your eyes start to become blurry.

“Fuck. I’m a grown ass adult yet I feel like I’m such a baby.”

Eunju softly laughed.

“You’re still a baby to me, Y/N.”

You giggled through your tears. You looked at Eunju. She looked back at you, and her kind eyes never faded all the while gently urging you.

You slowly nodded as you took a deep breath.

“I–he, was my best friend. He was my northern star, my lucky star– whatever you want to call it. My other half. And…he was the one who inspired me to be a star myself.”

And the rest was told as vividly and thoroughly as your dreams. From how you fell in love with him, to how you ended up running away the night he made love to you.

“It’s ironic. Back then, I thought he was the one who was going to succeed. He was going to be the senior idol and he was always going to be the one I have to raise my chin to look at. But I watched as his flame had died and I couldn’t do anything about it.”

“Why did you run away?” Eunju quietly asked.

You bitterly chuckled.

“I really…don’t know. Perhaps everything was on impulse. That night was impulse. Maybe it was out of guilt. Fear. Maybe it was out of pure spite– perhaps I wanted to show that I didn’t need Jungkook to succeed.”

“…Do you regret running away?”

“I thought about that. Long and hard. And I don’t really know the answer to that. But so far, I don’t. I do think I was irrational, but I think if I would have stayed, I wouldn’t have realized how Jungkook was taking me away from myself, just like Mina had done to him. I don’t think I would have pursued my dreams– and met you guys.”

Eunju tightened her grip on your shoulder.

“And…do you still love him? Do you still love Jungkook, Y/N?”

There was a long silence before you finally had spoken.

I want to hate him, you think.

“Unnie…as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think I ever stopped.”

Time had finally passed by the rush of jam packed schedules, and it became a bit more peaceful than having to fight a war with recordings and sleep. You felt more at peace with yourself ever since you had talked to Eunju. You had, after all, been in denial over your wide spectrum of feelings. You still wished that Jungkook appeared less in your life– but fate was never a fan of you anyways.

BTS was gaining popularity by the second. They were already quite talked about internationally, and not too long ago they had their first win on a music show. Their promotions coincidentally matched yours a lot.  With their rising popularity, it was hard to not notice the member who stole your heart ages ago.

To make things worse, it seemed like the members of Euphoria quite liked the members of BTS– they had established a friendly relationship between senior and junior. And that meant members of each group keeping contact with another. No member other than Eunju seemed to notice that Jungkook was the very person from the fansign; you had made Eunju promise not to tell, and that you would eventually tell them yourself. You had personally gotten close to Jimin and Taehyung, the rest of the maknae line. But you very meticulously avoided the actual maknae Jungkook– something you worked quite hard on to go unnoticed by the other two. It was ridiculously hard because they mentioned Jungkook a lot– and you could tell that he was really doted upon. Jungkook had also sometimes visited Euphoria alone after performances– much to your chagrin and the other members’ glee.

“They’re really hard-working. I feel like they are quite unique, y’know,” Rihye had once said.

“And like? All of them are so good looking!” Yuhee gushed. Sohyun rolled her eyes as Yuhee grabbed her arm and squealed.

Even Sooha, who was known for being the quietest member of the group, had nodded in agreement. Though Eunju had been cautious to mention BTS around you, she maintained a professional opinion and also praised the group.

“…I know. They’re…great,” you hesitatingly admit.

Jungkook’s words had echoed in you.

And once I surpass you, I’m not letting you run away. Not anymore.

You shook your head vehemently. The way things are, it was only a matter of time before you had to face him again.

And you didn’t think it would be so soon. But then again, you didn’t think you would ever meet Jungkook again. You were beginning to think that you should not make any convictions regarding Jeon Jungkook.

Because sometime later, you received a text from the very man himself.

9:24 Unknown Number: Hey it’s Jungkook. I got your number from Jimin-hyung. Do you think we can meet up, 2 weeks from today?

Your fears become reality. You realize that by opening one gate to another, Jungkook easily had access to contacting you. Being an idol, your groups becoming close, becoming close to another member. Little by little, he had been closing the gaps that you had purposefully left that night. But you knew that. You knew things would eventually come to this. You say you hate it, and sometimes you really do. But–

9:30 You: Okay

Deep, deep down, you knew.

You’ve always been waiting for him to chase after you– this time, he would be the one reaching towards you.

Lying to yourself was what you were pretty good at. Or at least, that’s what you tell yourself. You tell yourself you weren’t excited for that very day two weeks from now. No, you told yourself you were absolutely dreading it.

It’s more likely he hasn’t changed, you tell yourself.

But you hoped he has.

I just want to talk to him again. That’s it. I’m not looking for anything else.

But try as you might, nothing can stop the incessant beating of your heart.

A week had passed, and it was already halfway until what you had circled D-Day on the calendar. Euphoria’s schedule consisted only of recording for Show Champion for the day.

After the recording, you were blankly walking in the hallway until you spot Jimin.

“Y/N-sunbaenim! You were great out there!”

“Thanks Jimin, you weren’t bad yourself,” you giggle.

Jimin grins widely. Then, as if he remembered something, he gasped.

“Oh, by the way, one of our staff wanted to talk to you. She said that she always wanted to.”

“Hmm? Who?” You tilt your head.

“She’s one of our best stylists! The one who makes us look our best.”

Jimin points to the array of staff in the back.

And then your heart stops. It was as if you went back to the first time you had reunited with Jungkook at the day of the fansign. Except, you were plagued with different emotions you weren’t able to identify quite immediately.

Because the one who was waiting for you was none other than Kwon Mina.

A/N:

 dsajfdkasjfdkasj sorry for this mess of a fic…a lot of things changed as I split the part in two, and it ended up being a lot messier lmao.

I lied, i did. The next part will actually be the last, as well as the reason for the title.

Sorry for the emotionally constipated OC– human emotions are quite complicated, aren’t they ^^; I had a lot of trouble figuring her out as well. 

[kingofswedenyass]

answering every question by walden west

200: My crush’s name is:

I have a gf..

199: I was born in:

1776

198: I am really:

gay

197: My cellphone company is:

vodaphone

196: My eye color is:

Monika green

195: My shoe size is:

6

194: My ring size is:

idk

193: My height is:

5 foot 5

192: I am allergic to:

some soaps and asprin

191: My 1st car was:

never lol

190: My 1st job was:

professional weeb

189: Last book you read:

the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime

by Mark Haddon

188: My bed is:

blue!

187: My pet:

a cat

186: My best friend:

see above

185: My favorite shampoo is:

pantenne

184: Xbox or ps3:

ps3

183: Piggy banks are:

cute but unnecessary

182: In my pockets:

a pound coin and some chocolate

181: On my calendar:

2nd January 2018

180: Marriage is:

dank

179: Spongebob can:

go fuck himself little twat

178: My mom:

is great<3

177: The last three songs I bought were?

I don’t buy songs lol

176: Last YouTube video watched:

comment awards

175: How many cousins do you have?

1st cousins: 4

2nd cousins:3

3rd cousins: 11

174: Do you have any siblings?

4

173: Are your parents divorced?

yup

172: Are you taller than your mom?

yup

171: Do you play an instrument?

nope lol

170: What did you do yesterday?

went to the beach

[ I Believe In ] 169: Love at first sight:

sure

168: Luck:

mathematically

167: Fate:

maybe

166: Yourself:

lol nope

165: Aliens:

could be but probably just like bacteria

164: Heaven:

nope

163: Hell:

nope

162: God:

nope

161: Horoscopes:

nope

160: Soul mates:

like intense love?

159: Ghosts:

eh nah

158: Gay Marriage:

yes dad

157: War:

nope

156: Orbs:

why

155: Magic:

uh

[ This or That ] 154: Hugs or Kisses:

kisses

153: Drunk or High:

high

152: Phone or Online:

online

151: Red heads or Black haired:

black haired

150: Blondes or Brunettes:

brunettes149: Hot or cold:

hot

148: Summer or winter:

summer

147: Autumn or Spring:

autumn

146: Chocolate or vanilla:

vanilla

145: Night or Day:

night

144: Oranges or Apples:

oranges

143: Curly or Straight hair:

curly(mine is straight)

142: McDonalds or Burger King:

burger king

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate:

white all the way!(that sounds wrong)

140: Mac or PC:

pc

139: Flip flops or high heals:

flip flops fall off

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor:

sweet and poor cuz i’m morally obliged to

137: Coke or Pepsi:

coke me up dad

136: Hillary or Obama:

obama

135: Burried or cremated:

cremated

134: Singing or Dancing:

singing

133: Coach or Chanel:

coach

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks:

idk who they are.

*googles them*

ok kate mcphee that taylor dude looks like that guy from bake off

131: Small town or Big city:

big city

130: Wal-Mart or Target:

im from the uk but target

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler:

same difference

128: Manicure or Pedicure:

manicure

127: East Coast or West Coast:

well in Britain the west is scummy af so east

126: Your Birthday or Christmas:

christmas duh

125: Chocolate or Flowers:

flowers

124: Disney or Six Flags:

diseny

123: Yankees or Red Sox:

i don’t know baseball lol

[ Here’s What I Think About ] 122: War:

expensive and pretentious

121: George Bush:

idk was in the simpsons once

120: Gay Marriage:

yaaas

119: The presidential election:

a mess

118: Abortion:

pro choice

117: MySpace:

im not from 2009 thx

116: Reality TV:

trash! I watch REAL entertainment

( anime)

115: Parents:

they could have like not fed you so thanks i guess

114: Back stabbers:

ugh 113: Ebay:

helpful

112: Facebook:

mom

111: Work:

leads to productivity and self worth and stops me from starving

110: My Neighbors:

nice people

109: Gas Prices:

what is this gas you speak of? I only fill my car with petrol

108: Designer Clothes:

it costs more because it has somebody else’s name on it

107: College:

hard but yay

106: Sports:

no

105: My family:

seem like nice people

104: The future:

scares me

[ Last time I ] 103: Hugged someone:

yesterday

102: Last time you ate:

about 20 hours ago

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile:

I live in a tiny town, I see every body I have ever met like every day

100: Cried in front of someone:

two days ago

99: Went to a movie theater:

like in July

98: Took a vacation:

October

97: Swam in a pool:

like in June

96: Changed a diaper:

a month ago

95: Got my nails done:

never whats nails idk

94: Went to a wedding:

2015

93: Broke a bone:

2015

92: Got a peircing:

lol never i am a soft boi

91: Broke the law:

a couple weeks ago

90: Texted:

like ten minuets ago

[ MISC ]

89: Who makes you laugh the most:

cats

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is:

the fridge

87: The last movie I saw:

the titanic

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most:

death

85: The thing i’m not looking forward to:

the end of the holidays

84: People call me:

gay

83: The most difficult thing to do is:

breathe

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket:

never i don’t drive

81: My zodiac sign is:

leo! (rawr)

80: The first person i talked to today was:

myself

79: First time you had a crush:

princess tiana

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from:

nobody lol

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking:

i was thinking about good morning vietnam

76: Right now I am talking to:

nobody

75: What are you going to do when you grow up:

nevr speak to anybody again other than the pizza delivery guy

74: I have/will get a job:

crying professionally

73: Tomorrow:

I am going to paint my nails

72: Today:

literally did nothing

71: Next Summer:

sleep

70: Next Weekend:

cry

69: I have these pets:

a cat and a dog

68: The worst sound in the world:

my fucking voice

67: The person that makes me cry the most is:

my sibling

66: People that make you happy:

my gf and keira nightly

65: Last time I cried:

two days ago

64: My friends are:

nobody lol

63: My computer is:

an acer windows 7

62: My School:

some Christian bs

61: My Car:

don’t got one

60: I lose all respect for people who:

are mean to others

59: The movie I cried at was:

none

58: Your hair color is:

brown

57: TV shows you watch:

the big bang theory, steven universe

56: Favorite web site:

tumblr

55: Your dream vacation:

month long festival

54: The worst pain I was ever in was:

I had a really bad asthma attack

53: How do you like your steak cooked:

i’m a vegetarian

52: My room is:

a fucking mess

51: My favorite celebrity is:

me

50: Where would you like to be:

spain

49: Do you want children:

lol no

48: Ever been in love:

yes. my cat

47: Who’s your best friend:

nobody lol

46: More guy friends or girl friends:

girl cuz I'm a ladies man

45: One thing that makes you feel great is:

coming home after ages

44: One person that you wish you could see right now:

Alexander Hamilton so I can hug him

43: Do you have a 5 year plan:

fuck no

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die:

nope

41: Have you pre-named your children:

i hate kids but of course I'd name them daddy and senpai

40: Last person I got mad at:

myself

39: I would like to move to:

new york

38: I wish I was a professional:

sugar daddy

[ My Favorites ] 37: Candy:

Reese’s buttercups

36: Vehicle:

attack helecopter

35: President:

aLexANder hAmiLtOn amirite

34: State visited:

the solid state of matter

33: Cellphone provider:

Ajit pai

32: Athlete:

Jake Paul

31: Actor:

Jake Paul

30: Actress:

Jake Paul

29: Singer:

Jake Paul

28: Band:

steam powered giraffe

27: Clothing store:

ebay

26: Grocery store:

tesco

25: TV show:

black mirror

24: Movie:

Ferris Bueler’s day off

23: Website:

tumblr

22: Animal:

Totoro

21: Theme park:

Diseny land

20: Holiday:

Halloween

19: Sport to watch:

Quiddich

18: Sport to play:

professional nose nuzzleing competition

17: Magazine:

tube nooz

16: Book:

the portrait of markov

15: Day of the week:

saturday

14: Beach:

Benidorm

13: Concert attended:

Time travellers

12: Thing to cook:

anything Mexican

11: Food:

stir fry

10: Restaurant:

my kitchen

9: Radio station:

smooth

8: Yankee candle scent:

human flesh

7: Perfume:

unicorn kisses

6: Flower:

red roses

5: Color:

gold

4: Talk show host:

ellen

3: Comedian:

Russel Howars

2: Dog breed:

cats

1: Did you answer all these truthfully?

fuck no

[kiligilig]

i was tagged by @biancangelo thanks honey 💖💖 (and i will never get tired of you tagging me in things haha)

rules: answer the following 92 questions and tag 20 people

LAST:

1. drink: water

2. phone call: my friend olivia, we were at the mall w a group of ppl and i was wondering where she was at lol

3. text message: my dad, he said “omw”

4. song you listened to: brother by needtobreathe ✌️

5. time you cried: friday night it was soo pathetic im so glad no one saw me

HAVE YOU:

6. dated someone twice: its funny bc whoever made up this tag thought ive ever dated someone lmao

7. kissed someone and regretted it: ^

8. been cheated on: ^

9. lost someone special: yup

10. been depressed: yupp

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: the most alcohol ive ever had is a sip of wine at church lmao

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. lavender

13. millenial pink

14. black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. made new friends: yuppp and i love them

16. fallen out of love: not sure ive ever been in it

17. laughed until you cried: yess

18. found out someone was talking about you: not that i recall

19. met someone who changed you: definitely

20. found out who your friends are: yup

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: yall acting like ive been w someone romantically hahahah

GENERAL:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: i dont got a fb, but idk any of my tumblr friends irl (i still love them very much however)

23. do you have any pets: a goldfish named fishie

24. do you want to change your name: nope nope nope

25. what did you do for your last birthday: my friends and i did some painting and drank boba it was great

26. what time did you wake up: 5:30ish am pst

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping(?)

28. name something you cant wait for: halloweenn

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like a lil bit ago shes downstairs lol

30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: wish my mental state wasnt so fucked up

31. what are you listening to right now: nothing

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: none that i recall??

33. something that is getting on your nerves: my crush,, is so confusing like wth what are tjese mixed signalsnsjsjsk

34. most visited websites: uhh,, google? idk i use my phone for everything so i dont rlly use the internet

35. mole(s): a few all over my body, but theyre rlly small like the size of freckles

36. mark(s): stretch marks and a couple scars

37. childhood dream: i hellaa wanted to be a singer,, too bad i cant sing lmao

38. hair color: dark brown/black

39. long or short hair: long, almost to my hips

40. do you have a crush on someone: YUPP, i got a couple posts abt him on here, tagged as yams

41. what do you like about yourself: my writing, my hair, my style, my grades, the way i love so fully (though it can be my downfall sometimes) (tfw youre trying to be positive abt yourself bc you usually arent hhahah)

42. piercing(s): just the typical ones on my earlobes

43. blood type: o(??)

44. nickname: none but call me whatever u like :)

45. relationship status: single (but hopefully i wont be soon hahhahaah)

46. zodiac: pisces

47. pronouns: she/her

48. favorite tv show: i dont watch anything on tv except food network and hgtv lmaoo

49. tattoos: none and i dont want any

50. right or left hand: right

51. surgery: ive never had one, but im probably gonna get laser eye surgery when im older bc my eyesight hella suckss

52. hair dyed in different color: never have and never will, i lovee my natural color

53. sport: nopenopenope (but i like to watch basketball and american football tho)

54. favorite accessory: the bracelet my friend made for me :) she beaded rose quartz on it because it represents self love and she knows i struggle w that :’))

55. vacation: i visited the grand canyon and the hoover dam (hahahahahhahahaha) over the summer but it was hella boring lmao, but i did go to las vegas as well and that was fun (but it was stinky and the sexualization of women was heavy and i didnt even see the lotus hotel so what was the point)

56. pair of trainers: ??? i wear some to pe ???

MORE GENERAL:

57. eating: plain white jasmine rice is good w anything, also i love chocolate

58. drinking: i just like water bc im healthy like that (what a joke lol)

59. im about to: take a nap

60. waiting for: for my crush to like me back hahahah

61. want: my crush to notice me and be my best friend uhsjkks

62. get married: its actually one of the things i want most in life, hopefully when im around 24-26

63. career: author? lawyer? idek

WHICH IS BETTER:

64. hugs or kisses: HUGS but i like kisses too

65. lips or eyes: eyesss (but lips are pretty too (hes got a nice smilensjsjsk))

66. shorter or taller: idk what u mean man everyone is taller than me lmao, but if u mean abt myself i like my height, and in terms of an s/o id prefer them to be taller

67. older or younger: this is gonna lead to some philosophical ass questions soo ima just leave it alone

68. nice arms or nice stomach: idrc bruh

69. sensitive or loud: im cool w being boisterous but ppl who are too rowdy get me so tired,, just gotta find that balance

70. hookup or relationship: definitely relationship, im too emotional

71. troublemaker or hesitant: again, gotta find that balance ya feel? cant be too scared all the time bc life wont be interesting but u cant be putting yourself in danger and getting in trouble all the time

HAVE YOU EVER:

72. kissed a stranger: no

73. drank hard liquor: no

74. lost glasses/contact lenses: i dont,, rlly know??

75. turned someone down: yupp lmao i was in fifth grade and he asked me out over text like,, binch

76. had sex on the first date: uhhh no, ive never even been on a date??

77. broken someone’s heart: yes platonically, idk about romantically

78. had your heart broken: yes platonically

79. been arrested: no

80. cried when someone died: yes

81. fallen for a friend: my crushes have only ever been my friends??

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

82. yourself: ,,,

83. miracles: yes definitely

84. love at first sight: no no and no, thats definitely just infatuation

85. santa claus: i want to but in my heart its just,,,

86. kiss on the first date: not for me personally, but for others idc as long as its consensual

OTHER:

87. current best friend: i dont rlly know,, the whole “best friend” concept has been kinda ruined for me

88. eye color: brown

[wrassleslashlibraryarchive]

🎃💀👻 I know you don’t know me (very well), but I’m deathly afraid of clowns so could you just hold my hand until we get past this trick or treater…I know they’re only a toddler, but they’re scary!!!🎃💀👻

Relationship: Adam Rose/Heath Slater

Author’s Tags: Alternate Universe – Modern Setting; Phobias; Childhood Trauma; Panic Attacks; Alcohol; Emotional Hurt/Comfort; Kissing

WSL Prompt Contest Entry number: NS1

Summary: 

It’s Halloween and Heath is afraid of clowns. Will his new co-worker Adam protect him?

Heath hated Halloween. He loved Halloween, but he also hated it. Actually, there was only one thing he hated about it – ever since that incident in his childhood.

At least he didn’t need to walk home alone today. His new co-worker Adam lived in the same direction. Heath still wondered why his boss had decided to hire another employee, although the little music store they worked in barely made any money as no one bought CDs anymore. But Adam seemed to be a nice guy and – just like Heath – he liked rock music. He’d even been the lead singer of an underground band which almost caused Heath to admire him.

Heath checked everything one last time and then grabbed the keys his boss had left behind. “Are you ready to leave?” he asked Adam.

When the other man nodded, they went outside and locked the store. It was pretty cold this night. Adam pulled up the collar of his coat and buried his hands in his pockets. Heath looked around. The streets were busy with people and there were many groups of children in several different costumes. He became a bit nervous and tried to focus on his co-worker while they walked down the sidewalk. Adam told him about his divorce last year and that he wanted to start a new life in this town.

Heath listened to him and nodded until it happened. He already saw it from afar and immediately stopped dead in his tracks. His heart was beating fast, his throat felt constricted and he broke out in a cold sweat. Fuck, fuck, fuuuuck!

Adam turned around and looked at him. “Heath, are you okay? Is something wrong?”

His voice sounded like it was coming from far away. Heath wanted to answer, but he was afraid he would collapse, vomit or piss his pants any moment. Adam put his hands on Heath’s shoulders; his big eyes were filled with worry. “Hey, please talk to me. How can I help you?”

Heath pointed to a group of trick or treaters that came towards them. “Do you see that?” At first his voice was trembling. Then it just burst out of him. “I know you don’t know me very well, but I’m deathly afraid of clowns. Could you please hold my hand until we get past them? I know they’re only a toddler, but they’re scary!”

Adam looked at the child in a clown costume and then grabbed Heath’s hand. It was already too late when Heath noticed that his hand was drenched in sweat. He was even more ashamed than before. Adam, though, didn’t seem to care. Instead he just smiled at him. “Let’s go.”

His warm palm pressed against Heath’s, his skin was surprisingly soft and his fingertips rested on Heath’s knuckles. Some color returned to Heath’s pale face.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I’m a grown adult and yet…”

“Don’t worry.” Adam squeezed his hand lightly. “Phobias aren’t always rational. I understand that.”

It only took a few minutes until they had passed the group. When they were out of sight, Heath breathed a sigh of relief and pulled back his hand. “Thanks.”

“Are you alright now?”

“To be honest, I think I need a bathroom break,” Heath said, embarrassed.

“My apartment is only about three minutes from here. Is that okay for you?”

Heath nodded. Three minutes sounded way better than the more than 15 minutes to his own.

“I gotta warn you, though,” Adam said while they walked down the path to the big building. “You know I just moved in a few days ago. So it’s still a bit chaotic.”

“No problem, as long as your toilet works.” Heath grinned tensely and hoped his desperate attempt at a joke would make Adam forget how pathetic he was.

They entered the apartment and Adam led him to his bathroom. Some minutes later Heath returned and looked around. Adam hadn’t lied. There were a lot of moving boxes – some opened, some emptied, some still taped shut. But there was no decoration anywhere. Heath imagined Adam sitting alone in this uncomfortable place, and it made him sad.

“How about we head over to my apartment and have our own little Halloween party?” he suggested.

Wait, that sounded wrong, very wrong. Heath felt heat creeping up his cheeks. “I mean…”

“Sounds great!” Adam smiled at him. Either he hadn’t really understood him or he was polite enough to ignore it.

Heath was unusually quiet on their way to his place. Adam seemed to be such a cool guy and he really wished they would become friends. But he had to stop embarrassing himself.

When they arrived in his apartment, Adam was surprised about the many pumpkins and skeletons and… zombies. There were a lot of zombies and there was even a The Walking Dead poster in Heath’s living room. So he obviously didn’t hate Halloween or spooky things in general.

“Would you like a beer?” Heath asked as he returned from the kitchen with some bottles in his hands.

Adam nodded, grabbed a bottle and sat down in the armchair at the head of the table. Heath put the other bottles on the table and took a seat on the sofa.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Adam asked. “Is there a reason why you are so scared of clowns?”

“Yeah, there is. But it’s a bit silly because nothing really happened.”

“I won’t laugh. I promise.”

“Okay.” Heath took a sip of his beer. “It was on Halloween. I was ten years old and I went trick-or-treating with some friends. The brother of one boy was the only older guy in our group. I think he was 14 or 15. He was supposed to look after us. But of course he was annoyed and just wanted to meet his own friends. I don’t know how exactly it happened… I was dawdling around and suddenly all my friends were gone. I went back and forth, looking everywhere and then there was a man in a clown costume. He asked me if I was alone and I told him that I lost my friends. He grabbed my hand and said he would help me. I was frightened and he sent out creepy vibes, but I didn’t know what else to do. So I followed him. When I realized that something was wrong, it was already too late. He took me to an old building, probably his house. It looked really scary from the outside and I told him that I wanted to go back. But he tightened his grip and pulled me closer. Just before we entered, the brother of my friend appeared. The stranger said he just wanted to call the cops, let me go and left. My friend’s brother was angry and forbade me to tell anyone about it. He said he would beat me up if I did.”

“Have you told anyone?”

“No. And one year later I pretended to be sick, so that I could stay at home. The year after that I told my parents that I was already too old for trick-or-treating.”

“Damn, that’s a horrible story. I’m glad the guy couldn’t hurt you.”

“Yeah, but I still feel guilty that I didn’t tell my parents or the police about it. Who knows how many other kids he hurt…”

“But that wasn’t your fault! You were still a child.”

“And I was never able to forget that incident. Every time I see a clown on Halloween I’m so scared, I feel like I’m ten years old again.”

“Have you thought about getting therapy?”

“I don’t know… I mean it doesn’t affect me in my daily life. It’s just one night a year.”

“How about we spend this one night together every year from now on?”

Adam’s smile gave Heath a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Did he mean…?

“I know we just met a few days ago,” Adam continued. “But it feels like we are on the same wavelength and you’re almost like the little brother I never had.”

“Oh, you mean like friends…?” Heath couldn’t help being disappointed. Wait, had he just said that out loud? He cursed his own mouth for being faster than his brain.

Adam was surprised. “Like I said, we just met… I don’t want to be hasty. But, yeah, if you want to know, I think you’re really cute.”

Heath felt a familiar warmth rising to his cheeks. He patted on the sofa. “Can you hold my hand again?”

It only took a few seconds, then Adam sat down next to him and grabbed his hand. It was sweaty; but this time the sweat wasn’t cold. Heath turned his head and admired the beautiful eyes of the other man before his gaze wandered down to his lips. He wondered what they would feel like and unconsciously licked his own lips. Adam came closer to him, slowly enough for Heath to stop him. But he didn’t. Instead he closed his eyes when Adam’s lips touched his.

It was a short sweet kiss. Then Adam pulled away again and Heath opened his eyes. Adam looked happy, but also a bit insecure. Heath shot forward and pressed their lips together. He wanted this, needed this. Adam felt so good, tasted so good. Heath’s eyes went shut. He was moaning, sucking, licking. Their tongues met, played with each other, fought, danced. Heath’s hands were buried in Adam’s hair, searching fingers moved over fabric, skin.

He climbed onto Adam’s lap, straddling his thighs. No, fuck, he was going too far. Why was he always so impatient? He broke up the kiss and leaned back. He’d ruined it. Adam would hate him now. Slowly, he opened his eyes.

Adam didn’t look angry or shocked. He smiled at him. His hands went to the back of Heath’s neck. He pulled him closer and pressed their foreheads together, a gentle touch. Heath relaxed and rested his hands on Adam’s shoulders. Maybe this was good. He’d found someone who accepted him with all his flaws.

“This is my favorite Halloween so far.”

[natasha-cole]

Ready Steady Part 16

This chapter is shitty and I apologize, I was stuck on where to go with the story, but the next chapters will be better.

Summary:

Rob and Reader return home. They finally have time to catch up on what happened in each other’s lives while they were apart. They begin to come to terms with the idea of being parents.

Word Count: 4047

Warnings: just a lot of domestic fluff, maybe some swears, slightly angsty singing

Note: For the sake of the remainder of the fic, I’m using some old Louden Swain songs and making them new ones. Also, as you can tell, my reader is a singer/songwriter and a country girl at heart… so for her, instead of trying to write my own lyrics, I’m using songs by Miranda Lambert and claiming them as the reader’s own. Hey, this way, you can listen to the actual songs after you read!

In this chapter, Rob sings “Fair” as a song that he wrote when the reader broke his heart. Nice job reader, I hope you’re happy.

Another Note: I wrote this while I was hungover. It might be terrible, but I tried. It’s just a little something fluffy before the real angst kicks back in.

Catch up: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14  Part 15

You drifted in and out of sleep that night. Feeling much better than you had before visiting the ER, but still weak and unable to rest completely. The nausea hadn’t returned yet and honestly, your biggest fear was that it would return eventually. You were told that this condition could go on for some time, and future visits to the hospital were a possibility. Perhaps this underlying fear of having to feel that way again is what was bringing you out of your sleep throughout the night. The only thing that made your restlessness bearable was realizing that every time you stirred, Rob was right there with you. He too would wake each time you did; placing gentle kisses to your forehead and mumbling soothing words to you until you relaxed again. Even as the sun began to peek through the blinds in the early morning hours; he was still there, tracing circles along your back, until you were eventually able to rest again.

The next time you woke up, it was because a slight twinge of nausea had returned. You whimpered, realizing that it wasn’t over yet. This time, when you looked to Rob for support, he wasn’t there to console you. You felt your heart race when you realized he was not next to you, wondering what you had done this time to make him want to leave you. You reached for your phone to check the time and when you realized it was late in the afternoon, you felt the panic begin to fade. You knew he was here somewhere, he just didn’t sleep in as late as you had.

You forced yourself from bed; your legs shaky and body still weak. When you stood, you felt your stomach turn even more and you couldn’t help but whine a little at how sick you still felt. You trudged your way to the other room in search of him and found him sitting on the couch, phone to his ear, talking quietly to someone. You waited for a moment, not wanting to interrupt, but he glanced up at you almost immediately.

“Hey, I’m gonna call you back… I’m sorry to bail on everyone last minute, but I hope you understand.” He explained to the person on the other end of the call. He paused for a second, listening as his eyes still watched you.

“Ok, take care. I’ll see you all real soon.” He ended the call and quickly stood up to make his way to you. He wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you in, kissing you lightly on the lips.

“Hey, sweetie… are you okay?” he asked. His blue eyes looked you over as if he were searching for a sign that you weren’t well.

“I’m okay. I’m feeling a little sick again though.”

“Oh shit, yeah. You slept for a long time, I didn’t want to wake you,” he took your hand and pulled you toward the couch, encouraging you to sit. “The doctor said you need to eat multiple small meals throughout the day, it could help with the nausea. You haven’t eaten anything since we got back last night, I’ll make you something.”

“Oh,” was all you said as he disappeared into the kitchen.

He was gone for some time. You could hear him moving things around in the kitchen, and eventually you could smell the aroma of chicken soup which caused you to freeze for a moment. You hoped that the smell wouldn’t send you running for the bathroom like it did the last time. But, the scent didn’t leave you feeling worse this time; instead, you felt your stomach grumble at how hungry you were.

Rob finally returned to the living room, carefully carrying a tray with a bowl, crackers, and a mug. He placed the tray in front of you on the coffee table proudly, “Lunch is served.”

“Thank you,” you said with a smile, mouth watering as you looked at your meal. Your disappointment in the lunch Rob had made for you must have been obvious, because he explained to you quickly why it was not what you were expecting.

“The doctor said bland food… so I just went by the list. Broth and crackers are probably the best way to go considering you just left the hospital. Also, the tea is ginger, I guess it’s supposed to help with nausea.” You stared at him for a moment as he took a seat next to you. You really appreciated how attentive and caring he was being right now. It felt really nice to have him help you through this.

“You actually read the list?” you asked as you carefully took a sip of the broth. So far, so good. It wasn’t making you feel worse.

“Y-yeah. I’ve been reading a lot about pregnancy in general actually,” he explained, motioning to a stack of books on the coffee table. You shoved a cracker into your mouth and began to move the books around to see what he was reading.

“When did you get these?” you asked as you picked up one of the books, mindlessly flipping through the pages.

“The day after you walked out.” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I figured… no matter what happened between us, I was still going to be a dad. I wanted to be prepared. I’ve never been a dad before.”

“Oh… yeah. Well, I’ve never been a mom before…” you suddenly realized how unprepared you were. Even Rob had been doing what he could to not only help you get through this morning sickness, but he was also taking the time to learn about what happens during pregnancy. You couldn’t help but admire the man. Even though the two of you had fought and his reaction to you waiting so long to tell him the news was not what you had expected, he had come to terms with the prospect of being a father very quickly.

“How far along are you anyway?” he asked, “everything kinda happened so quickly, we didn’t even have a chance to actually discuss this.” He moved his hand to your belly with those last few words. He let his hand rub circles along your stomach as his eyes met yours. You had to admit; each time he did this, it made your stomach flip a little. Just knowing that he was accepting the fact that the two of you were having a baby was sort of surprising, but this sweet little gesture that he kept partaking in really had you sort of excited about having a baby.

You worked at doing the math in your head, “I guess about 11 weeks now…”

“Wow, so you’re already near the end of the first trimester?”

“Uh, I guess so,” you smiled at him, “you’ve really been reading up about this, huh?”

“Yeah, like I said, I want to be prepared.”

“Well, I’m the one carrying this baby, and I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Hey, we’ll figure it out together, okay?” He said reassuringly, running his hand along your leg.

“I know we will.” You felt relief by his statement. You had been so scared about this before, that you really hadn’t even tried to figure things out. During the weeks after learning that you were pregnant, you did all you could to take your mind off of it; losing yourself in songwriting and recording. For once, you sort of felt like the two of you would figure it out.

You continued to eat your meal, grateful for the tea which actually helped to ease your queasiness. Rob watched you, almost as if he were making sure that you would be okay after having your first meal in days. He looked relieved when you were able to finish your food without having to run to the bathroom afterwards.

“Hey, looks like the medication is helping,” he mused, leaning back against the couch and pulling you into him. You relaxed into his body, feeling content for the first time in months.  

“Who were you talking to on the phone?” you asked, genuinely curious as to who he had been talking to earlier since he mentioned bailing on them.

“Oh, it was Billy. I had to back out of the convention this weekend, so I was just making sure that things were squared away with the band and everyone else.”

“What happens when the lead singer bails on the band during convention weekend?” You asked, concerned that he was cancelling his appearance in the first place.

“They just kinda fill in for me throughout the con. The band still plays, but the guys can sing as well… they can handle it.”

“And the concert?”

“It’s a good thing the show has a cast made up of super talented people who can sing.”

“Why did you cancel?”

He cocked his head, looking at you as if you were crazy, “because of what’s going on with you.”

“Me? Why would you let me keep you away from work?”

“Y/N, you were just in the ER… you’re obviously still feeling pretty miserable. I’m not going to leave you knowing what you’re going through.”

“I’m fine. I feel pretty much okay.”

“Still… I’m not going anywhere right now. Besides, we’ve got a lot of catching up to do. That was a long two months.”

You nodded, “Yeah it was. A lot happened when I left.”

The two of you sat there, talking about what life had been like while you were away from each other. You told him about the restraining order and how you had to face Chris in the court room, and how in the end, it worked. You hadn’t had any type of run-in with him since the day you saw him at your house. You told him about how you had been breathing a lot easier since then, not having to worry about him for the time being.

You told him about working in the studio, writing and recording songs, and the show that you had done.

“But, you already knew about the show,” you stated, referring to the night when he showed up.

“Yeah, regardless of the situation and how hard it was to see you, it was a really great show. I’ve been amazed with your talent since I first heard you sing. I’m just glad you finally did it.”

“Well, I had someone who actually encouraged me. And, all of those songs were so personal, I understand now why you said you could never give your lyrics away to anyone else.”

“I wrote a lot as well…” Rob said, trailing off.

“Oh yeah?” you sat up to look at him, “I’d like to hear some new Swain stuff.”

Rob chuckled uncomfortably, “You probably don’t.”

“Ouch, I was that bad huh?” You weren’t really hurt by his statement. After all, you had broken the man’s heart. You knew that if someone was willing to break the heart of a musician, you’d better expect at least a few hurtful songs to come out of it.

“Well, it was tough, and I tend to vent my anger into my music. There’s one song in particular that you might not like.”

“I get it. I really do. Still, I’d like to hear it sometime.”

You continued to catch up, this time explaining what you had went through and what you had been feeling when you realized you were pregnant. Rob just listened. You had expected some interjections over the sensitive topic, thinking he might still be feeling a little hurt over how everything had happened. But he only listened, arm draped over your shoulders, holding you as you told him how scared you were to not only being pregnant, but also how scared you were to tell him.

“I was so afraid… I knew I hurt you, and I couldn’t imagine springing that on you to top it off. I just felt like I kept fucking things up… and I didn’t want to do that to you.”

He watched you as you explained everything to him, not interrupting, not getting angry again. It was nice to have an actual conversation with the man, finally being able to discuss everything that should have been brought up a long time ago.

“I have to ask,” he said finally, “you said you left because of your ex, you were afraid of having me in the middle of all that… but after you got the restraining order, why didn’t you call me?”

“Because it’s a piece of paper. It’s a piece of paper that supposedly protects me. There’s no guarantee that he would stay away from you, there’s not even a guarantee that he will continue to stay away from me.”

“Y/N, you’ve got to stop thinking about protecting me. Especially now. Just let me take care of you.”

He was right. The entire mess that was the last few months should not have happened. He had been willing to stay with you even when he learned about Chris and what he was doing. Rob had always been there for you. The problem was that you had never let anyone be there for you. You had learned early on in life how to take care of yourself. You had learned how to not depend on anyone. You knew now that you were in no position to get through this pregnancy alone, much less be a single parent. You realized how lucky you were right now. You had an amazing man who was still by your side and he was going to go through this with you.

“I just realized something,” he stated, running a hand through your hair.

“What?” You nuzzled into him, not wanting this moment to end. There was something so calming about just sitting here with him, finally talking instead of yelling at each other.

“You said you’re about 11 weeks along…”

“Yeah?”

“You got pregnant while we were in Nashville.”

You laughed at him, “well, we certainly had a good time in Nashville, and we weren’t exactly careful.”

“It’s just… sort of crazy isn’t it?” he asked, staring off at the ceiling. You glanced up at him again, a little worried that he might be feeling as overwhelmed by all of this as you were.

“It is. But, this is just where we are. Things happen.” You wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him in as close as you could.

“I’m just glad it happened with you,” he said, placing a kiss to your forehead. You smiled at his sentiment.

“Me too, it makes me feel less afraid.” In hindsight, a situation like this would send any other person into a panic. Having just met someone, break up with them a couple of weeks later, and then finding out you were carrying their child; it would be a lot for anyone to get through. It had of course been stressful. But you knew that you loved Rob and you knew that you could be happy with him. The idea of having a child with him so soon didn’t scare you anymore.

The only thing you worried about was how other people would react to knowing what had went on between the two of you. You thought of his friends who you had started to grow so comfortable around. You knew Rich was supportive of you, at least he didn’t freak out too badly when he heard the news. He had apparently worked hard at trying to help Rob find you to fix things. Not to mention, the ride to the hospital. You couldn’t help but wonder what everyone else would think. You honestly didn’t know how much they even knew. Had Rob told them about how horrible you had been to him? Did they know about you keeping your pregnancy secret for so long? Did they know about the pregnancy at all? It was a lot to think about. You knew that they would find out eventually, you just didn’t want the judgement about how fast you and Rob had moved into this and how stupid you had been to not be careful.

The two of you remained in silence for some time; still holding each other, until you broke the silence.

“Play me that song you were talking about.” You knew it was going to be painful, but you were genuinely curious.

“No, you’ll hear it some other time.”

“Come on, I really want to hear it. I get that it’s probably not going to be nice, but maybe I need to know what I put you through. I mean, you heard all my songs about me leaving you at my show…”

“That’s different,” he argued, “you weren’t writing from the perspective of having just been dumped for no apparent reason.”

“I know, but I still want to hear it.” You stood up and headed towards his collection of guitars where you chose an acoustic. You brought it back to him with a smile.

“Please don’t, I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” he said.

“You won’t. Maybe it’s better that I hear it now, while we’re still trying to fix things between us.” You sat across from him in the chair on the other side of the coffee table, being certain to see him as he played.

“Okay, fine,” he said, beginning to tune the guitar, “just don’t say I didn’t warn you.” When he was finally in tune, he took a deep breath and began to play the music. You could sense that he was uncomfortable with playing the song, but he went along with it. Perhaps he agreed that it was best for you to hear it now. When he began to sing, he averted his eyes from you, focusing on his hands on the guitar.

Goddamn this affair, It's taking me there It's taking away a life of you The vows gone astray, Just for the day Heart so betrayed once tried and true And you, I can't stand what you put me through And you, I can't stand what you put me through This house is a home, But I'm always alone I always atone, But my sins aren't real If I'm wrong then you're gone, If I carry it on If I write it in song, Will my heart still heal Already, the lyrics caused your heart to wrench. You had asked for it… to hear the song. You knew it was going to be difficult right away, but something told you that you needed to hear it. You and Rob shared one very important thing in common, and that was music. You knew that the only way most people would ever really know you, was by listening to your music. That’s where you put your heart and soul. Rob was the same way. He had talked about how he felt when you had left and what that was like for him, but you knew he would say so much more through his lyrics. At this point, you needed to understand fully what he had gone through.

And you, I can't stand what you put me through And you, I can't stand what you put me through My heart's in despair I'm already there I can't stand what you put me through

Mountains are broken to year,s Nippin' at my heels Rippin' at my seams, How do I feel Can we just wait and see, You be you and I'm me You be true and I'll see If it gets me through

He still didn’t look at you as he moved into his last refrain of the song. You could feel yourself tearing up, only now fully understanding what the breakup had been like for him… the breakup that he never wanted in the first place.

Love isn't fair But I'm already there I can't stand what you put me through My heart's in despair But I'm already there I can't stand what you put me through Love isn't fair But I'm already there I can't stand what you put me through My heart's in despair But I'm already there I can't stand what you put me through

You watched him intently, as he finished his song. It wasn’t until he was done that he even looked up at you, blue eyes finding your own.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, “it’s just how I was feeling at the time.”

“Don’t be sorry,” you choked back tears that you felt coming on, “That’s a great song… I’m sorry, I didn’t know…” Instead of finishing your sentence, you got up from the chair and moved toward him. He placed the guitar aside as you reached him, and you leaned down as you took his face in your hands. “I love you so much, and I’m so sorry I did that to you.”

“I know,” he replied, moving his hands to your waist, “I really don’t blame you for anything anymore. At the time, I just didn’t understand.” You leaned in further, taking his lips with yours, making sure to show him that you were sorry. You kissed him steadily, as your fingers traced along his jawline. He kissed you back, sighing into your lips when he realized that you weren’t angry by the song, just understanding. You pulled away from the kiss, straightening yourself as Rob wrapped his arms around your waist again; this time, resting his head against your stomach. You ran your fingers through his hair as the two of you just stayed that way in silence for a moment.

“I don’t think either of us understood much,” you replied.

“Maybe we’ve still got a lot to learn.” Rob let go of your waist and looked up at you, a hopeful grin crossing his face.

You thought about his statement, and he was right. Despite each of you thinking that you were doing things in the best interest of the other, it had been a rough road for the two of you. Looking back, you knew that most of this mess could have been easily avoided had you just talked to each other. It was all, in large part, your own mistakes. You had never had a healthy relationship before. You honestly didn’t know how to behave. You had spent so much time learning to just survive, you never learned how to actually be partners with someone. Throughout everything that you and Rob had went through, you knew that you wanted to try with him. You wanted to learn how to be with someone who loved you as much as you loved them. You wanted to give this a shot. You were ready to learn how to be happy with him. And most importantly, you were ready to face parenthood with this man, despite how afraid you were.

“Well,” you began, “we’ve got just over six months to learn all we can about each other.  After that, we’ll have a baby who’s going to take up all our time.”

Rob chuckled at your words, “That’s so wild, I still can’t believe this is happening.”

“Are you scared?” The words fell from your lips. You had to ask, feeling like you needed to hear him say that he was as scared as you were.

“Sure, of course I am,” you felt a little better knowing that you weren’t alone. “But, I’m also really excited. Like, all of my friends have kids… and they’re so great. I’ve always wanted a family, it just didn’t happen in the past.”

“Speaking of your friends,” you cut in, still curious as to who knew about your situation, “do they know what’s going on.”

“I think most of them know that we are back together. Aside from Rich, no one knows about this yet,” he said, referring to the pregnancy.

“When do we tell them?” You wondered out loud.

“I don’t know, I figured… the next con, that way I could just tell them all at once.”

You took a deep breath as you realized how quickly this was all becoming so real. Soon, everyone would know, and you could only hope that they would be as accepting of this as they had been of the idea of you and Rob in the first place.

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