#i saw a stock photo and couldnt help myself

[ratsnu]

speed and danger don’t always go hand in hand, but it’s fun when they do! (at least for thomas)

[happyhestyles]

it’s okay

th x reader

word count: 1065

warnings: mentions of death, grieving

A/N: um i cried whilst making this, i don’t have anything else to say

Keep me here

My heart is near

My love has gone away

you looked at the photos you and tom had hung up, a montage of all the memories you had created with friends and family cascading down the stairs. you reached out and took one down, a photo of you tom and tessa at the beach, when he surprised you with a trip away just because he wanted to and you were so in love.

Tell me true

My heart is new

My love has gone away

your eyes brimmed with tears, even though you thought you couldn't cry any more. you slowly lowered yourself until you were sat on the stairs, with tessa at the bottom of them, confusion taking over her expression. you cried out wishing him back, shouting louder as the frame slipped away crashing down the stairs, ruining the photo you had cherished so carefully.

you slowly pulled your self up, leaving the mess behind just like you had been for weeks. you climbed the rest of the stairs and burst into the room you used to share with tom, his clothes still strewn on the floor as you were too scared to move them, like it would erase a memory of him you clutched so tightly too. falling into the bed, still dressed from a day of running errands for the funeral, tessa leaped up next to you, curling into your side trying to offer as much comfort as she could, despite being a dog. you rubbed between her ears, as you knew it made her happy, “i miss him too bubs.”

the dog looked like she was paying attention, eyes open and head cocked. "he was my everything."

"we were only young-"

"people said we would never last, i was only 22 and he was 24."

"we were told we didn't know what love was-"

"but tess, it was love, we were in love and i can't express it enough."

"especially now he's gone."

"i didn't even say it to him in the morning, leaving early for the job i despise and used to complain about to him for hours."

"he used to listen and he'd know how to make it better and i don't how he was so prefect he just was!" you shouted the last bit, burying you head in the pillows you two used to share.

you glanced up and toms clothes were staring back at you, daring you. slowly getting up you never broke 'eye contact' with them until you were seated next to them.

"you've got it," you told yourself. "it's a small but large step."

It's okay

I know someday I'm gonna be with you

It's okay

I know someday I'm gonna be with you

you slowly shrugged of the uncomfortable clothes you had been trapped in and lifted toms black top over your head. the smell of his cologne engulfed you, eyes brimming you slowly continued until you were fully dressed in his clothes, like he loved it. his hoodie, joggers and t-shirt, he would say was when you looked best. and then he'd go flush and tell you always looked great. he always used to be so nervous when asking you out or giving compliments, scared of rejection or backlash even though you loved him way to much to do such a thing. he always let you know when he thought you looked great. even it was a '😍 or 🥵' in a random text to you when you were hundreds of miles away.

you glanced at your phone and saw the picture you two had took at the Far From Home premiere, you were so proud and he was so excited it was the happiest photo you two had ever taken together and nothing could've taken that away from you. seeing that photo gave you the courage you needed to do something that you should've done ages ago but were to selfish to do.

"hey siri, call nikki holland." you whispered.

"okay calling, nikki holland." the AI voice announced loudly, making the staffie on the end of the bed jump.

"um, hello?" the voice called through the phone. "y/n sweetheart are you alright?"

"um- nikki hi," you croaked out, tears already spilling over.

"hello darling, can i help you?" she asked, love and care lacing her voice.

you knew tom adored his mum and how much she adored him. they meant to much to each other and you loved it. nikki definitely gave tom his sweet nature and big heart and you really wanted to keep the bond you and toms mum had created over the years you two had known each other.

"yeah, hi, sorry, i was just calling you to-"

"y/n, please, you're clearly upset you don't have to do anything, i love you so much i couldnt have asked for a better girl for my tom, he loved you more than life itself-"

"no nikki please i want to-"

"no, y/n, please come over to ours so we can look after you, we know you and tess can't cope and we want to look after you. i know that the boys would love to have you here to, we all miss you and would love to see you."

"i'm not sure, nikki i won't be able to hold myself together."

"well neither we will. we've brought almost all of tesco's tissues."

"i can bring more if you'd like? me and tess have stocked up COSTCO style," you half giggled.

"that would be lovely, see you in ten?"

"yeah, thank you."

"no, thank you."

the sound of the line going dead bounced of the wall and you glanced at tessa who was wondering why she could hear nikkis voice in the room, "we got this baby."

Speak to me

My heart is free

My love has gone away

Tell me true

My heart is blue

My love has gone away

It's okay

I know someday I'm gonna be with you

It's okay

I know someday I'm gonna be with you

It's okay

I know someday I'm gonna be with you

[sharonchteh]

~23rd January 2019~

My brain was engulfed by all the things that I could potentially do to help the knee to recover and the decision on what options I will need to take on the W walk to make sure I complete it with a strong end rather than making things worse. The journey was in parts excruciating thinking that I may need to give up on some of the challenges ahead. I hated the thought that I will need to give up part of the journey so that I survive the entire walk.

“The path to our destination is not always a straight one. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn’t matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark.” ~Barbara Hall

On the way to Pehoe, I had to keep reminding myself that it’s all about managing the pain and the recovery for the next big thing which was El Chalten, where I would need to be able to climb. Using the W walk as a recovery was as good as a plan as any and it gave me the strength to make smarter decision on what I should and shouldn’t do.

We stopped in Puerto Natales to stock up, do last minute shopping and lunch before we head over to the campsite. This was where we picked up our guides for the walk, Roberto Carlos, Gada and Fran. The town is a typical pitstop for people heading to the park, with plenty of shops to buy all the essentials such as sleeping bags, mats, thermals an everything you need except for liners. Yes, I was in need of one (not desperate) and apparently no one uses it in this country.

It was great once we drove out of town, with picture postcard scene all the way to Pehoe. The mountains shone in the glorious sunshine, we had to just stop to take photos and I was trying to take in the fact that I’m heading to one of the most beautiful places in the world. I realised at that time that I haven’t really researched about most of the places I travelled to and I kinda like it because I get to see it with my own eyes first before the photos that were plastered all over the internet. So much better.

Pehoe campsite was fully equipped with all the facilities perfect for preparing for our adventure for the next few days and just a short drive away from the dock where we will be taking the catamaran to Paine Grande campsite. Busy evening with everyone getting their trek bag ready and shower before dinner. After dinner we were briefed on the four days walk and in detail what we’re going to do on the first day with the options for someone like me who was still managing the knee pain. It was an early night for an early morning start.

~24th January 2019~

Day one of the walk, it’s breakfast and a short drive to the dock to take the catamaran to Paine Grande campsite to drop our stuff before embarking on the first walk up the Grey Glacier. The campsite was very well established for hikers and campers, with clean shower rooms and toilets plus restaurant and bar. Somehow I had in my head that facilities will be minimum and basic, it was well above expectation.

The walk up to the first view point was gentle and just what I needed for the day. It was led by Roberto Carlos and I did my best to keep up with his pace reminding myself at the same time to be aware of how the knees and hips were doing. The view was spectacular even though the glacier was quite a distance away. I was in the mountains with an awesome view, I was content.

When Gada said that the group was doing well and that all of us should go on to the next viewpoint I had to stop her and request if I could head back since the route to the next viewpoint will be a decent, which mean that the way back will involve a steep ascend before the descend back to campsite. Little that I knew, quite a few people decided to head back as well. Fran took a group of us back and we had lunch in the sheltered forest area on the way back.

When we were back at the campsite, I was assessing the knees to make sure they’re happy with the walk so far. A little niggle here and there, apart from that it was all good and I knew I made the right decision to return after the first viewpoint. We hung around in the bar playing cards and waited for the other group to come back before we shower and eat. It was a very satisfying day altogether. I was feeling good at this point.

~25th January 2019~

After breakfast, we head out with all of our stuff on our back and walk the Patagonian flat to Italiano, where we will drop our stuff and grab our day bag to start the walk up to the French valley and Britanico. This was where if I’ve packed appropriately, I’ll be fine and I was.

Patagonian flat is basically what an Andean or Inca flat is, a bit of up and down. The walk to Italiano was pleasant and picturesque with the lakes on one side and mountains on the other. Once we’re there, it was drop, grab and go.

The walk up to the French valley started off well and as it went steeper, the niggles became constant pinch then as we approached the French valley the knee was in full complaint mode. I knew it was time to get down since we still have a long walk to the next campsite with the full load.

The hanging glaciers are nature’s way to say that it is the best designer or artist in the whole of universe. The mini avalanches tumbled through the whole valley and to wait for the rumble, it’s often to late to spot the avalanche. The sound always comes later than the action.

Emma was the only one that came back with me after French valley and the rest continue to Britanico. I would have loved to gone further but it would mean that there’s a chance I would struggle to get to the next campsite and that for me was not an option. This time Roberto Carlos led us back down to have lunch at Italiano then head over to Cuernos campsite.

A nice stroll through Patagonian flat, we saw eight condors flying high above in the mountains. When we reached the pebbled beach, we chilled out and soaked our tired hot feet in the lake. The lake water was so cold that I think it shocked my knees into getting better (I know…placebo effect, still good though).

The campsite was way smaller than Paine Grande with a mountain peak looming over our tents. During dinner, we got to know that it was Roberto Carlos’ birthday and we all sang happy birthday to him. He must thought he would getaway with us not knowing and lucky for us, Fran found out from one of his friends.

Plan for the next day will be a long walk to the last campsite, Central, and I was hoping that the walk will do the knees some good and I will be able to complete the entire walk for the last day.

~26th January 2019~

A long walk ahead of us with all of our stuff on our back through Patagonian flat. The landscapes were changing as we moved further east and the weather was warmer. Apart from the Salkantay trek, Paine Grande campsite was the only place I had to wear my thermal. Pretty good result for chasing spring and summer all year round.

We took a break in one of the most beautiful viewpoints and this place has it all, the lakes with mountains both behind and far beyond the lakes. Suddenly, the thought of those who passed on came to me together with a host of emotions, from sadness to content. I was reminded of father’s last days and how he looked like he was preparing himself, as if he knew his time was up.

Reflecting on what I was doing in the last few months, I felt almost the same thing. Am I doing all this because I know my time is short? Curious?! How I wish father was there with me, seeing the wonders of this world we lived in. I wondered whether he would be watching, watching over me like an angel. I miss him.

The lunch spot featured a large stream with fresh water from the mountains and a wall that could be climbed. I was looking at it throughout lunch time, wondering whether it was climbable and told myself not to even try.

When we saw Central in the distance, it was a relieve that we’re nearly there. Roberto was pointing out where we will be walking the next day when we passed the turn off for the route. Mirador de las Torres, the last challenge for the walk was what most people were looking forward to.

The truck, Kylie and few others who didn’t embark on this walk were waiting for us when we reached the campsite. From Paine Grande to Central, we had tents already set up for us so it’s just sleeping bag and mat to deal with. There was a dome set up for us to gather in for tea and mealtime (and for some climbing when requested/challenged so yeah, couldn’t help it really).

We had a visit to an NGO that Dragoman supports in rehabilitating some of the areas impacted by the fires in 2011 and before that. They were growing and planting trees, helping the forest along on their road to recovery.

~27th January 2019~

A very early start to avoid the crowd, said all three of them when they briefed us the night before. The route up to the mirador is exposed in some parts and narrow plus it’s the only way up and down, hence we’re going early to beat most of the crowd from Puerto Natales who are there for day trip.

I was reassured by both Gada and Fran that I’ll be ok walking all the way up to the mirador. So I walked and kept an awareness on how tired I am to make sure I’m not dragging my feet which could make it worse for my knees. Following my own pace made it better, breaking away from the front crowd and doing my thing was the best decision I’ve ever made.

We stopped for breaks in the forest as well as the refugio on the way. The top part of the climb was harsh, reminded me of some of the approaches to hard to reach crags.i was starting to wonder how I was to descent from this place with loose rocks everywhere.

Once I was at the top, I asked Roberto Carlos and Fran helped me identified three rock for me. I used the rocks to offer a prayer and hope to the mountains as I did in Abra Salkantay. Such a serene place with the three towers (Norte, Central and Sur) looming over the lagoon and us.

It was interesting walking down. I say walk but Dee, Liz and I was cruising down fast especially with places with loose rocks. It was much easier on the knees when going down fast, almost like we’re skiing down the mountain. I met an American girl who worked in Hawaii as a guide for boat tours to see dolphins and some times, whales. We had interesting conversations around working and travelling at the same time.

The rest of the day was spent chilling out and just rest until dinner time. Some went to the bar for some rewarding cocktails while I decided to stay at the campsite for some much needed quiet time. At 6pm, it was time to say goodbye to our wonderful guides and thank them for the awesome time we had on the walk. I took Fran’s contact so that I have someone to ask about climbing in South America and questions in general. It came in handy in El Chalten…hola Fitz Roy!!!

Dinner and bed, I was excited to move on to El Chalten.

Chile: Torres del Paine W Walk/Trek ~23rd January 2019~ My brain was engulfed by all the things that I could potentially do to help the knee to recover and the decision on what options I will need to take on the W walk to make sure I complete it with a strong end rather than making things worse.