#i remember that shit from like. 2015 ish??

[codfanficedits]

Before the mask - Part 1

Pairing: Simon Riley x Fem!Reader

Summary: Because Simon wasn’t born as Ghost.

Wordcount: 2033 | Rating: E! (18+ only!)

Warnings: Author has daddy issues and not the sexy kind, listening to masturbation.

A/N: Simon would be around 22/23 in this fic, so it would be set around 2015 ish? Anyway, I didn't have loving parents and I am projecting here.

Being in the military had it’s perks, you were free from your parents, you had worked hard enough, long enough to be rewarded with your own little quarters, and it wasn’t much, but it was yours, enough to retreat after a long day, a hard mission, it was yours.

The downsides? The walls were paper thin, you could hear your neighbour shitting after taco night, but eventually you got used to it. You were just really lucky the neighbour of your right side was Simon. The two of you had been working together for a while now, and it was safe to say that you had become friends.

On the other side of the wall was indeed Simon. Simon who had promised himself to never get attached again. He had escaped his childhood home, and he wanted to keep himself from getting hurt again.

That was until you came along, you with your soft smile, with your sparkling eyes, your beautiful hair. And if you were just beautiful, he could’ve fucked you and ghosted you afterwards, but no, no you were not only pretty, you were kind, thoughtful, smart and sure as hell feisty.

Feisty enough to bite back when needed, to stand up for yourself or others, but sweet enough to remember his favourite sweets, or his birthday, and he could feel himself falling for you.

He realised it at breakfast, he had been wanting to see you, to talk to you, and you weren’t there, and for the first time, it felt as if something, someone was missing. A small piece of his soul being ripped away from him and he had to pretend all day that it didn’t bother him, while his mind was flooding with his worries. He didn’t recall there being any missions, and surely you would’ve told him if you were to be on leave? Or worse, leave the army?

He could feel the tension leave his shoulders when he finally saw you again, a scowl on your face when you left the toilets. Now that he thought of it, he hadn’t heard your alarm go off this morning, and the fact that you were the only cleaning toilets told him that you had overslept. With a silent chuckle he promised himself that he would wake you up every morning, to safe you from such horror.

And it wasn’t like he didn’t want to confess, he just simply didn’t know how to. Every time he wanted to, every time he wanted those words to leave his lips, you just had to look up at him with those sweet, sweet eyes and he couldn’t. His voice would leave him, and his courage was nowhere to be seen, so he just kept quiet, tried to keep you close by telling you stupid jokes, army humour as he called it.

To make matters worse, the walls were thin, too thin, he could hear you stir in your sleep, he could hear you on those lonely nights where your hand wandered underneath your blanket, and he would promise himself to not listen to it, to give you that privacy, but after the third time he couldn’t. He just had to listen to make sure that you weren’t calling out his name, because if you did, he would’ve come to the rescue.

But you didn’t, not once did his name leave your pretty lips, just soft moans and whiny whimpers. It was enough for him, enough to make his own fist twitch in a desperate need for you, his hips bucking up in an attempt to keep his bed from creaking too much, he couldn’t have you hear him listen to you.

And tonight would be no different, Simon had made himself comfortable in his bed, waiting for your little ritual to start, his eyebrow raising when he didn’t hear those sounds he was so familiar with. Instead your voice was a hushed whisper and he couldn’t make out what you were saying. It frustrated him, who were you talking to, and why?

His blood ran cold when he could hear the loud laughter of a man, he kicked off his blanket, putting on his grey sweatpants before he left his room. Fist knocking on your door while he tried to calm himself.

You weren’t his, and he had no right to be so possessive over you, but what were you thinking? Seeking out the solace of another man while he was right there?

He would, of course, pretend that it would be about safety, did you know how dangerous it was to bring a random stranger into the base? Did you even think about it.

He knocked again, more urgent. “Open the door.”

You opened the door, an apologetic smile on your face. Your eyes fixate on Simon and he can feel the anger fading away. You looked so sweet, so innocent.

You on the other hand, had no clue what he was thinking, you had been on a skype call with your family, and in all your joy you had forgotten to keep track of your volume level.

"Was I too loud?" You asked. "I'm sorry."

His look is stern, his fingers clenched into an almost white-knuckled grip. Yet there's something else lurking on the verge of those eyes, the beginnings of something...painful, an emptiness from the core of his identity.

"Don't apologize," he replies softly. His voice, too, is low and breathy. But there's a calmness there, the lack of which would've set you on edge. "Just...let me in."

"Yeah sure, sure." You said as a response to his request. You stepped to the side, to let him in. "I'm on a Skype call with my family. My dad laughs really hard. So you might have heard him"

 An idea pops up in your head, you knew a thing or two about his backstory, about his childhood. And it always made you really sad that he never experienced the true love a family could give.

"Want to say hi?"

"Mhm," is his only initial response, but as he steps inside your room, he's greeted by your smile, your soft, almost angelic eyes. Those, for a moment, have him mesmerized. He almost forgets what he's doing here. Then he remembers, when you offer him a chance to meet the people who bring you joy.

"Sure." He steps deeper inside your room, but he doesn't leave the door open, closing it behind him, so the two of you are tucked away in your own little world Your eyes light up. "Oh they're going to be delighted to meet you." You had told your parents about him plenty of times, maybe it was the little crush you had, maybe it was just because you were a nice person, who would know?

You grab his hand, dragging him along to your bed, urging him to sit down, before you placed your laptop on your lap, making sure the both of you are on screen.

"Mom, dad, this is Simon!"

He's never had a family like this of his own, and he's both nervous and curious about how they'll react. His expression, then, is one of curiosity. He's seated beside you, his hands clenched against his thighs, the only thing resembling a weapon, an automatic coping mechanism to keep him safe, just as you set the laptop up. His eyes are locked on the screen, the image of your parents on the other side.

You’re a mix of your parents, that much he can tell, and it is fun to see little pieces of them in you. Your father is a more social person, he smiles wide at Simon. Your mother is more reserved, but the smile of your father caused your mother to smile too.

"Good to meet you boy!"

For a moment, he doesn't respond. His eyes are glued to the screen, but they travel back and forth between your parents. The sight of them smiling genuinely, of them together...it fills him with an ache in his chest. And before he knows it, he's fighting back a few tears. God damn it, now is not the time to get all emotional.

He smiles. "It's nice to meet you too," he replies, his voice barely above a whisper.

You look at him as your gaze softens, it is the first time you have seen him so vulnerable, so you give him a little pat on his knee, a little encouragement.

"So." Your father continues. "You've been keeping my girl safe?"

He looks down at your hand for a few seconds, at your gentle touch. That, more than anything, is what makes him crack. He reaches out to grasp your hand, squeezing it a little harder than would be expected.

"I have," he replies in a strained voice, as if fighting with himself. "But, if you don't mind me saying so, she keeps me safe."

The comment gets rewarded with a laughter from your father.

"Ah yes. Our girl has always been a feisty one." You know the shimmer in your father’s eyes way too well and you groan. You have heard this story way too many times before.

"One time, when she was a little toddler, in kindergarten, one of the other kids, a boy, tried to kiss her, and she beat him with a plastic bucket."

The ghost of a small smile appears on Simon's face, although it's quickly replaced by another pang of that ache in his chest. The image...it's almost like seeing you as a kid again, although he never had the chance.

"How many stitches did the boy need?" He teases.

Your father chuckles, and you roll your eyes. You can tell he'll be bringing this up again in a few years, if not sooner.

"None." You grumbled. "But I did bust his lip before they pulled me off."

Your mother chuckled too. "She was such a cute little girl, but such a temperament."

After that your mother gets up, and gets out of your view for a second.

You lean towards Simon a little closer. "If she shows you my baby pictures, I'll lose it." You whispered softly, making sure your parents couldn’t hear.

And sure enough your mother returns, with a large picture book, holding it up for the camera.

It shows a picture of you, no older than four, hair in two pigtails and a big smile on your face, holding a blue bucket. "Can you imagine?"

Your parents aren't the only ones laughing at this memory, as Simon is chuckling softly at the sight of a younger version of you. His eyes are fixed on the picture, the two pigtails, how pure and innocent...

...until you remind him that he's sharing this moment with your family, and not the one he was born into. So he pushes it aside for a moment, and focuses on you. "It's a nice picture," he says softly.

You feel a little bad, knowing his upbringing wasn't the best one, and you give his a little squeeze, an apology and reassuring gesture in one.

Your mother is unaware of his internal struggle, as she holds up a new page. Five year old you in a pink tutu. "She refused to wear anything else for six days." Her mother and father laugh.

Your eyes are gentle, as you squeeze his hand back. And that, it softens the blow of what's happening. Your parents, the memories they share with you, it's something he has never experienced. But sharing it with you, that makes it real enough.

His expression softens as he see the new page. The pink tutu, that smile...He’s almost jealous again.

"She looks so beautiful," He whisper. And his voice, it's filled with that same longing for love.

The gaze of your father softens, a proud smile on his face. "She is."

"I know she can take care of herself but.." her father gets cuts off by the sound of the doorbell. "Excuse me for a second." He said, as he got up.

Your mother closes the picture album. "You know Simon, next time you two are allowed on leave you should come with her."

[allthoseotherworlds]

An Aroace Doctor Reading of "Rogue"

Disclaimer: I am not interested in proving what's "canon". I do not believe that canon exists. I am interested in formulating a reasonable reading of the episode wherein the Doctor is aromantic and asexual, and fundamentally believe that such a thing is possible in basically all contexts with enough determination. If that's not your thing, that's fine, but I don't need to argue in the replies about how this isn't canon). Also if it sounds like I'm arguing with someone, I promise it's probably not you, hypothetical reader, but the ghost of 2015-ish and the mean voices it left in my brain

I finally watched Rogue! It wasn't as bad as I was worried it would be, from an aroace perspective. I think I can reasonably view it as a combination of my already-established beliefs that:

The Doctor likes it when people like them, and does not like being rejected. How they handle this varies wildly - from preemptively rejecting people, to hiding everything so people can't reject them, to being aggressively fun and charming and interesting, which seems to be the fifteenth Doctor's approach. This approach from the fifeenth Doctor in particular can come across as flirty even in contexts where it clearly isn't meant to be, I think because many people aren't accustomed to that level of genuineness and exuberance from a relative stranger

The Doctor, at least recently, does not like outright rejecting people who are sincerely interested in them, probably due to the previously-mentioned desire for people to like them

The Doctor does enjoy banter, including banter that can be read as flirting, because banter and wordplay are fun

The Doctor does not view kissing the same way humans do, perhaps partially because of the touch-telepathy present in Time Lords, and tends to relate to kissing (even mouth kisses that humans would view as romantic) as a general expression of strong emotion or a telepathic tool rather than a strictly sexual or romantic thing. The Doctor is generally aware that kissing is romantic for humans, but how much they internalize this varies (see: the tenth Doctor remembering that kissing can be viewed a certain way and warning Martha they don't mean it that way, but not realizing it's so deeply ingrained in contemporaneous human culture as romantic that she won't be able to just turn it off in her head)

With that in mind, here's my personal take:

The Doctor is suspicious of Rogue, but also thinks he's interesting and aesthetically attractive ("hot" - a word that aroaces can also use without proving we're not aroace)

The Doctor banters with Rogue, enjoys the banter, and is friendly and charming to him because they want to learn more and because banter is fun. They don't trust him at first, but enjoy interacting with him.

Once it's been established that the Doctor is not the enemy here and they can work together, the Doctor is a) charmed by Rogue's proper admiration of the Tardis, and b) sympathetic to Rogue's Tragic Backstory. The Doctor's probably projecting a little at this point because "Bounty hunter who's lost people and is working to do something he thinks is helpful but maybe isn't for a mysterious boss" probably resonates for "Ex-Division-Operative/Ex-Time-War-Participant" reasons, even though they are deeply Not Acknowledging that they have issues, no thank you.

Near-kiss in the Tardis happens because of the Doctor's deep lack of personal space and generally being more accepting of touch in this incarnation

Nothing needs to be explained with the dancing/fake fight/fake marriage proposal, except the Doctor's "Oh shit" reaction to the proposal, which to my mind is that of someone reliving all the other times people have had Romantic or Sexual feelings towards them and it has caused Problems that the don't reciprocate in the same way, even if they care a lot. Also the Doctor's total lack of prior trauma around losing people or being rejected because they are Perfectly Well Adjusted Now

The actual kiss happens because a) Rogue needs to distract the Doctor and kissing is distracting, and b) the Doctor isn't averse enough to touch in this incarnation to dislike kissing on principle I think, and emotions were running high enough that I think they can appreciate it from an emotional/telepathic perspective anyways

The Doctor is sad when Rogue is lost because a) the Doctor hates losing people in general, b) it's another person sacrificing themselves to save the Doctor or their friends when they couldn't, and c) they did care about Rogue and saw potential in him to both grow and learn more and to be a fun person to travel and argue with

Other thoughts about the episode!

I'm glad Ruby didn't actually die this time, but this is a lot of almost-deaths for her now. Makes me nervous!

I really liked the designs for the Chuldur! It was neat that they all looked slightly different but recognizably the same species

I definitely feel like they left this hanging on purpose, and we'll probably revisit Rogue and/or his boss at some point. Whether or not I'll enjoy that depends on how they handle it, probably

(My actual hot take here is that I think Jonathan Groff is just okay, and although to quote my mom "Ncuti Gatwa could have chemistry with a popsicle", Jonathan just didn't feel like he had much chemistry with him to me I'm sorry. Even setting aside my canon-divergent bullshit he's just not as compelling to me as I think he is to other people. I think conceptually though it's fun to have a human from the future around)

I am such a sucker for scenes where someone does a medical scan on the Doctor and is like "Oh shit" so that was very fun. I also enjoyed seeing the Doctor described as a shapeshifter.

I really loved the scene at the end where the Doctor and Ruby are reunited properly and hug and she kind of calls them on their "I'm totally fine please ignore all the traumatic things that just happened" routine! It was lovely, and I really think their dynamic is coming together. Ruby was also great in her scenes with the lady whose name I forgot who went through a breakup.

[hoardlikegoldenirises]

I'm posting this now because I'm impatient and also because I just got that commission done by jerribbit (go look at it and admire it 🥰) which is based off of the same thumbnail as this drawing (lol) 'cause I had one of those moments like, "wait this concept is too good for me to not also draw this picture," so even though I paid someone else to draw it, I decided to also draw it. But expanded upon.

anyway it's AU-related and I plan to actually put this in a post with some other images later but I have to like, draw the other images first...

these are both Kaine as he looks in Houston in windowverse; left in mid-october or thereabouts and right in mid-november ish. 2015. he's 26/27/28/6 years old depending on how you start counting. (lol) (he's 27 and a half)

originally, I was gonna put his costume underneath, but I ended up deciding to bare his neck, just for the like... cohesion of the image as a whole.

closeups/details under the cut:

left pic is Kaine in mid-October ish as mentioned, mid-to-late really... he ran out of medication and he's not doing so hot. some breakthrough spots as his immune system kicks back into gear.

some of those spots (the little ones) are just from picking at his skin though.

then he gets eaten by werewolves.

also shaves his head. the white pupil is a cataract he's had for a few years at this point. a combo of meds + physical trauma when he was a few years younger.

also it turns out shaving a character's face and making his cheeks rounder really shaves off the years.

he may be going through some shit and adjusting to new medications and so on and so forth but at least he's eating enough ❤️

stop chewing your lips dude. anyway i spent at least an hour on coloring his scars in the second pic lmao, i just enjoy that. Like, lighting? no. texturing? yes. it's just a bunch of overlapping marks of cain. mark of cains. handprints :) a la Spider-Man: Redemption.

opposite side obviously.

some red hairs in his scraggly little beard :p

his voice is fried, for the record. that scar is right over his voice box. it's like five years old though, so it's well-healed.

and then it gets even more fried, probably. this relatively fresh extremely gnarly scar is from getting his throat ripped out by a werewolf lol.

He died! Then he got better. Obv being eaten by werewolves is directly lifted from his Scarlet Spider solo, though not everything is identical.

i had to bullshit the way it looks also cause idk about you but it seems like asking for trouble to try and google, like, "scars from wolf mauling" or something. lmao.

in the windowverse setting, the Other heals injuries but existing scars stay put, and in this case the life-threatening injuries he sustained made new scars rather than healing away to smooth skin, on account of, hey, he got torn limb from limb by werewolves! not exactly a papercut, you know???

admire his hair. the only reason it's not one big fluff is because of his expensive hair products.

oh yeah blue pullover hoodie because that's what Ben has :)

and the charcoal gray hoodie is a $345 Derek Rose hoodie he got from Saks after Aracely decided that she liked his blue hoodie and it's hers now.

oh right as far as his age goes—

this pic is, as mentioned, how he looks in fall 2015.

he was ''born'' on 4/1/2009 (so if you must be literal he's 6 years old)

he reached 22 the day after Peter's 22nd birthday (10/31/2009) (so he's 28)

but his 22nd birthday wasn't until 4/1/2010 (so he's 27)

according to the birth certificate wally gets made for him in this au he was born on 4/1/1989 (so he's legally 26)

He usually counts from his observed 22nd birthday in 2010 so generally he would consider himself 27 at this point. as long as he can remember his fake birth year it doesn't matter if he forgets what age he's ''supposed'' to be and since he was born in 2009 technically that makes 1989 much easier to remember.

also aracely was born in 1999 in this universe so this makes her both 10 years older than and 10 years younger than him :) which was another factor in why i picked 1989

[palepinkgoat]

First Line Analysis game!

I love this! I remember doing it a long time ago but I think that was before my newest fic. Thanks for the tags @wehangout and @energievie

RULES: post the first lines of your last 10 fics/chapters posted on AO3 (if you have less than 10 fics posted, post the first lines of all your fics) and try to draw some conclusions.

1. "Hold the fuck still." - The Ink is a Witness to This

2. Ian stands in his tiny kitchen, carefully unfolding the paper from his coat pocket. - Paragraphs

3. Ian was the one who said it first, back in the hotel room. - White Buttons

4. It’s a shitty apartment building. - Restoration

5. He smells the same.  - Proof

6. It’s too early to be awake, but he is. - Life, or Something

7. Mickey���s watching Ian fumble with the window, hitting the corners a little with his fist, trying to loosen the stubborn places where it’s stuck. - Minutes

8. Ian’s feet pressed fast on the pavement, anxious to hit the hospital door. - Find the Frank (Tag, You're It) this was a group fic, I only wrote the last chapter, which is where this line is from.

9. When Mickey first saw it, that age he can’t remember, it was hanging up in the cupboard with all The Shit in it. - The Vise

10. People should know how to do rock paper scissors, but it’s pretty weird how many people hesitate and have to start over.  - Rock Paper Scissors no one reads this as it's a Debbie pov lol

Interesting! I like how I got more concise as I grew as a fic writer! I like short openers in general, but I guess it took me a bit to get there. I don't think I used Find the Frank as an example last time as that fic was kind of tricky. Each writer had 24 hours to write a chapter based on the chapter before (like all in a chain) and by the time it got to me there were all these cliffhangers to deal with and I had to tie it up. It was a fun challenge but people don't usually like my chapter. Oh well! Overall I was reminded how I cranked them out in 2015-ish but I've slowed so much as I've gone along. After restoration became more popular over the years it's been daunting to write because I have imposter syndrome and don't want to let anyone downnnn. Also I have to write more of my newer fic. I have some done though!

I'm going to tag @celestialmickey @crossmydna and you!

[justabigoldnerd]

A Guide to Works by JustABigOldNerd

I saw @hypnostheory do this and I have 38 (holy shit!) works in the TMFU Fandom on Ao3, so I wanted to as well!

"I wanna read somethings soft and sweet" Okay! I don't have a lot, but:

Kintsukuroi - Set in the Winged Spies universe, Solo catches up with an old friend

I'm Going to the Stars Tonight - Playful (and drunk) winged spies

In Summer We Can Taste The Rain - Solo catches a winged Illya preening in the rain

Ravens Love The Snow - A winged Solo can't resist the call of the snow

A Christmas Peril - A Christmas fic!

Surrender Yourself - a funny little pre-slash ficlet based on a writing prompt found here

I Want To Fade Away With You - Modern-ish AU company paintball tournament goes (hilariously) wrong

In The Moonlight, We Let It Go - Poolside confessions

"I'd like some light angst, nothing too serious, please" Gotcha covered:

One More or One Less (Nobody's Worried) - Winged Spies canon rewrite

The Toil of Expectations - Medieval AU with a happy ending and a couple of explicit smut scenes

"Q" Is For Kid - the trio accidentally acquire a child on their mission to stop a Nazi faction from developing a nerve gas

To Grow Old In Simplicity - this is mostly happy, the angst comes from the fear of outliving your partners and the struggles that come with being an aging (former) spy

The Moment I Knew I'd No Choice But To Love You - the agnst in this one is more memory related

Is That The Kinda Way To Face The Burning Heat? - porn with a little bit of angsty backstory

Nothin' But The Water And The Sunrise Now - light angsty backstory with some fun NOS-induced moments and a happy ending

All Eyes On Me (Your Eyes On Me) - this one's a bit heavier, but the angst is just internalized homophobia and Illya not wanting to be a honeypot but needing to. Has masturbation and explicit smut

I Am Scared Of Nothing - religious trauma

A Rather Frightening Thing - religious trauma

As Sharp And Serious As A Pistol In The Eye - canon rewrite (explicit smut)

It Takes Three To Tango - post-canon

"Alright, now I want the heavy stuff. Gimme the angst!" Coming right up, my friend!!

Emotional Angst:

You Had To Be A Big Shot, Didn't You (You Had To Open Up Your Mouth) - Winged Solo backstory

My Wings Have Been So Denied - Winged Illya as a child

She'll Tell You She's an Orphan After You Meet Her Family - Winged Gaby grieving (explicit smut)

You Take Me In Your Arms When Walls Are Closing In - Body Horror in (false)memory

Pretty Piece of Flesh - sexual trauma (explicit sexual content)

The Awful Things We Do To Make The Head Go Quiet - near suicide attempt

Lost On You - internalized homophobia and period typical homophobia

Physical Harm:

Quietly, It Slips Through Your Fingers, Love (Falling From You Drop By Drop) - Alternative ending where Illya shoots Solo (he lives)

Let Me Be Your Own Icarian Carrion - Winged Spies, Illya goes down in the water

One Deep Breath Out From The Sky - Missing scene fic after the motorcycle crash

Whumptober 2023 - "The Man From Uncle (2015)" - I mean. This is Whumptober. So.

Will You Remember All The Danger We Came From? - Vampire Illya prequel. Body Horror.

All My Love And Terror Balanced There - Illya wakes up as a Vampire. (Explicit smut)

I'd Block The Sun (If You Want It Done) - the trio's plane goes down in the middle of the ocean and they have to survive on a deserted island

Grounded And Giving And Darkening Scorn - Illya's past comes back to haunt him

The Injury of Finally Knowing You - 5+1 Times fic

Major Character Death (temporary):

The End Is All I Can See (And It Scares The Hell Out Of Me) - time loop

"I want that one restaurant critic AU that will be updates eventually but hasn't for a while!" Uh, oddly specific, and thank you for wanting to read this unfinished fic, and I WILL finish it eventually, but, uh, here ya go!:

Michelin Star Spy - Illya is a food critic swept up in spydom.

[isakyakihasmyheart]

Mind Dump 5 years on...

This is the first time I've logged into this account since 2019(ish) so I'm pretty sure there's going to be no one left here but if you are, Hi! I'm just going to dump this post here because I am a tumblr girl at heart and laying my most deepest thoughts to strangers on the internet is all I've ever known...

After the recent news of the death of Liam Payne 2 days ago I've been thinking about this website non-stop. Like many people, this news hit me so unexpectedly emotionally. Grieving someone I never knew, but also grieving a time in my life I can never ever experience again.

My life has changed so much since I last logged into this account, and yet so little at the same time. I started this account in early 2017 after I got into SKAM back in 2016, abandoning a previous Dan and Phil centred account I had from 2014. I was still in school, the last season of SKAM lining up with my own life of leaving school and starting university. I remember thinking that was so cool, watching these characters I grew to adore also experiencing their last year alongside me. I started university in late 2018, studying to become a nurse but yet never got over SKAM. Instead, I became obsessed DRUCK and connected to Matteo in a way I haven't ever experienced with another fictional character since (the only close match being Connell from Normal People in that one uni scene iykyk). However, I ultimately ended up abandoning this account in 2019.

I don't actually know why I stopped coming on this website. Because since I was 14 this website was all I could ever think about. Me and best friend in 2014 were absolutely obsessed with tubmlr. We would literally spend hours on this website reblogging the most random things, and things that at that point in our lives meant so much to us. And with this recent news, I've felt this strong tsunami of nostalgia for that period of my life.

I was never a 1D blog, but I loved 1D. Not very openly as I had older sisters who made fun of me for it. I squashed any outwardly expression of my love for them to avoid this at all costs. A major cost being turning down to go and see them in concert in 2014/2015 when my friend (mentioned above) had an extra ticket. I think about that often and regret it every time. When covid came around and we were in lockdown I was in the mid/end of my 2nd year of uni, 20 years of age. I know a lot of people talk of how they regressed back to their younger passions, and so did I. I had the full 1D experience I never let myself have, not caring about others' opinions on it (mainly my older sister). I listened to their music nonstop every single day, watching so many edits and even reading fan fics. I truly felt like I was 14 again. But there was always that voice in the back of my head saying, "you're too late, it's not the same, you've missed out on it all." I yearned with everything in me to be that teenage girl again. It was during this period in 2020 that my family relationships also became very volatile and dysfunctional, meaning 1D became an even bigger safe space for me.

I've always been a nostalgic person in the worst way possible. I can't help but let the regrets of things I never did consume me. The thoughts of how different my life could be, how different I could be, it always plagues me. I know this sounds dramatic because I'm talking about a 2010s boyband, believe me I know it does.

But I was 14 when my life started to go to shit, when my mental health first started to decline and truthfully it has never recovered. Maybe because in the back of my mind, I always felt like that 14 year old girl, scared and alone and hurting so bad with no one to help her. And the unbelievable shocking news of Liam Payne dying, it's just transporting me back to that period of my life. Even more so as I lost my dad very unexpectedly and traumaticly in March this year.

I just feel so full of grief for so many things all at once, all separate yet all so intertwined. I would truly give anything and everything I have to just relive being that teenage girl, even the unspeakable bad parts. And it makes me so angry to know I can't. And of course, I can't, because that's not how time works! Yet it feels like I can't breathe when I come to that realisation. In all its dramatic flare, it genuinely feels like it's killing me that I can't ever experience that life again.

All in all, I'll never truly forget this website. Especially not this account, I loved this account! Maybe this is just the part of growing up I'm currently struggling with. I'm 24 now, which in itself is scary because no matter what I am and always will be that 14 year old girl.

Girlhood is forever and always xx

[deepdarkdelights]

Unrelated to your stories, but how did you become a BTS fan? And since when?

Oh jeez, it's been quite a while! Let me give you the rundown!

Back in 2012-ish, I was writing fanfic on Quotev...as an eleven-year-old 😂 Anyways I made a friend there a few years later who got me into anime and one of my favorite animes was Tokyo Ghoul. Well, about 2014 - 2015 (ish) there was this post trending that was saying "hey this guy looks like the real-life Ken Kaneki!" And it was actually Taehyung when he had white hair!

So being a young teen who was in love with anime characters I tried to figure out who he was and I discovered BTS at the time. Anyways I kind of forgot about them and moved on when my knowledge was satisfied. But then, back when Vine was around, I kept getting these edits of these guys dancing in an empty pool and I looked them up again and I was like "Ah ha! V! I know you!"

Anyways it was Fire and I added it to my playlist and I would actually work out to that song. At that time I was training to run a mile for Cheer because that was mandatory at my high school, so I would blast fire while I was dying at the track.

After that I started listening to them casually - I remember blasting Save Me, I Need U, and then Younger Forever which quickly became my favorites (especially Save ME).

But then Wings came out. My best friend told me about it and I listened to the entire thing and after that I wasn't a causal listener anymore 😂To this day, Wings is my favorite album and I don't even own a copy 😭

So! I became a pretty dedicated listener in 2016 - BTS was honestly the soundtrack of my high school years and they got me through so much shit. Set me on my fitness journey too which covid threw me off 😂

This was a really long explanation but I love looking at the domino effect of events that occurred o bring me to this point! I actually wanted to start writing in 2016-2017 but I stopped myself from doing it because I didn't think I knew enough about their personalities to do it and I am honestly glad I waited despite feeling like I lost time 😅

Ah, I'm so nostalgic now.

[faggotisaacfloofs]

15, 16, 17?

Ohhh these are emotional questions haha <3

15. when and how did you discover the cripple punk movement?

sooooo i was sort of around-ish when it was starting? The person who started it, tyler, was my meta (partner's partner) and tumblr mutual. they started it a while ago, i think around 2015? (Ope looked it up and yeah started dec 2014) But they were my introduction into reclaiming cripple and grabbing onto life with both hands and refusing to apologize for existing, demanding i be treated like a person, and in finding power even as my body was failing me.

i had already had severe chronic pain for several years, I was in college doing a construction management program, and was trying to find a diagnosis. Doctors were awful and had no answers and I was angry at everything. I also was starting to use a cane, and getting a lot of shit for it. Cripple punk as a movement was so powerful for me. It still is, but especially as someone younger and undiagnosed and coming to terms with stuff. And I'll always miss tai. Cripple punk feels like a way i carry them with me, still.

16. have you always been physically disabled?

Maybe? Not really? I guess? Sorta? Idk? I have always had EDS, like, that's true. It also caused me chronic pain from the time I was pretty young (i was complaining about my knees hurting as young as 7). I also was still able to be pretty active. I played sports, but I got tons of injuries that would set me back for many months at a time. I was sort of chronically injured more than I was consistently disabled? Idk maybe they're the same thing. It's all semantics to me. I was a disabled child and a chronically ill child, and I had chronic pain. So. I would consider it very mildly physically disabling at baseline, though with lots of injuries and periods of more intense disability? Idk.

17. when did you start to consider yourself physically disabled?

Probably a bit before the cripple punk movement started, because i remember knowing it was a place for me, but also it was key to me understanding my physical disability too, so I think when I was around 19 or 20, I'd say? At that point I was quite disabled, had severe chronic pain in my wrists that prevented me from doing a lot of stuff, and was having pain in my knees and hips too. So things were rapidly getting worse and it wasn't hard for me to see i was physically disabled.

[trenchcrows]

People have been shipping trudeau and macron since macron was elected back around 2015 ish (idk exact dates cuz I don't wanna look it up) it's like a THING they were from what I can remember like... the hot young progressive leaders at that time and they kept idk talking privately on flower covered balconies or some shit

Anyways trudeau recently got divorced for reasons I couldn't be fucked to look up BUT some people joked that it was because him and macron where fucking

Which like HONESTLY kinda would hope that was true just for macrons sake like you met your wife when she was your tenth grade school teacher??? OOF you need to get out of there my guy people don't dislike her for the age gap people dislike her because she maintained a relationship with a 15 year old and then married the man (soooo fucked up)

Anyways ya people have been into these two togeather for like a decade they're in the news togeather a lot they have similar politics if I remember correctly they are not queer as far as I know but that's never stopped the RPFs before

canada's politics baffles me

[aj-lenoire]

i know it’s 2023 but i have a lot of Thoughts™ on demon!dean and since this is my corner of the internet and i can talk about whatever i goddamn like we’re gonna talk about how they squandered the deanmon potential—yes i know this was back in 2015 what’s your point misha had to come out as straight last year this train is never stopping

cause like, i remember all the promo spots being off the shits like ‘THIS…IS THE YEAR…OF THE DEANMON!!!!’

and i was psyched, and then it turned out to be like, 3 episodes. and he just sang terrible karaoke. the worst thing he did was try to grope a woman—which, obviously, is a shitty thing to do, but isn’t on the same level as like, torturing her to death

it just—it could’ve been so damn cool. imagine, like, castiel trying to reason with him, and since angels see demons as they truly are, not who they’re wearing (also: was deanmon possessing his own corpse? could he have possessed another human? i haven’t rewatched since it aired but like… did they ever clarify that??) he can see like this mutilated thing that he knows is his friend, but it’s almost beyond recognition

and deanmon is basically a soulless human, functionally, because he doesn’t care about anything or anyone except himself and what he wants, and these two guys with their ‘i know you’re in there somewhere’ and ‘this isn’t the real you’ crap are really getting on his nerves, so he’s coming out with stuff like how, it was forty years in hell, therefore alistair knew him longer than sam or cas, alistair made him into what he is now, and he’s so grateful bc he’s no longer snivelling over every insignificant dead human they come across. humans are so pathetically fragile after all, why bother trying to save them?

just IMAGINE the potential—the futility of cas raising him from perdition! because this was always who he was meant to become, what he was going to be, and cas was just delaying the inevitable—because dean’s whole life has been authority figures forging him into their weapon. all cas was trying to do was swap out one blacksmith for another

and yeah i know they needed to wrap up the deanmon thing sharpish because of the 300th episode but like… they could’ve made 300 a flashback. like a fun-ish job the boys did years prior, and at the end of the episode sam suddenly wakes up because he was dreaming of that hunt and in remembering it he’s had a ~breakthrough~ on how to help dean—and THAT’S how he knows where to look and finds out about the blood injection nonsense

(i still cannot believe it was THAT SIMPLE to cure someone of being a demon. and that dean was also allegedly a knight of hell or some bullshit)

like we could’ve had a solid half-a-season of deanmon, we get to see the full range of what he was actually capable of. he still blows off crowley, obviously, because he doesn’t need to be babysat, he doesn’t need someone to line up a murder-y demon deal for him like he’s on an enrichment program at the zoo

sam hasn’t seen him in several episodes, he’s still trying to figure out how to get dean back, if he can get dean back, and he’s doing hunts in between because he feels morally obligated to, or he needs money, or he’s doing it for someone in return for info on the dean thing—whatever

dean rocks up to where sam’s working on a job, and at first you just think he’s there to piss sam off and generally fuck around, and sam just can’t look at him and can’t be near him cause it’s so obviously not his brother and he doesn’t want to risk dean realising he’s searching for a fix, because he genuinely, deeply fears that this thing with his brother’s face will try to kill him.

but dean’s going around telling everyone that sam’s his brother and forcing sam to play nice because they’re in front of people, and dean makes very clear what will happen if sam doesn’t play nice and doesn’t let dean do as he likes—and sam’s just disgusted and uneasy

and once sam finishes the job—having bonded slightly with whoever was being attacked—he tells dean to leave him the hell alone, and leaves the town. and dean stays behind, seemingly honouring his brother’s wishes—is there hope?

but that night‚ dean goes to the house of whoever sam helped on the hunt. maybe it’s a cute suburban family‚ maybe it’s a college girl whose friend was killed, but he knocks on the door and says he’s dean and he’s sam’s brother and they’re estranged and he doesn’t know where sam went—could she help him? so she invites him in‚ because sam is the kind guy who just saved her life, and his brother is just as charming and handsome and seems like a nice dude, and the last thing we see is dean (from behind) as he enters‚ and he’s holding the first blade behind his back and the door just slowly swings shut. cut to black.

and later—maybe not next episode‚ maybe the viewers are left to stew for a bit—dean calls sam and tells him what he did. that the people sam risked his life to save are dead. sam ended up not making a difference at all. and the most fucked up part is that he sounds exactly like regular dean as he says all this—using the same slang and chirpy tone like he’s talking about music. and in that same cheerful tone, he warns sam not to try ordering him around ever again.

dean enjoyed being a hunter, he enjoyed the heroism and simplicity of killing bad guys and saving good guys. now, with the first blade making him crave blood? without that pesky conscience? he doesn’t much care about good or bad anymore. he cares that this guy still sees him as his poor, tragic brother, and is still trying to save him, so killing the people that this guy just saved? it’s fun. it’s funny. this guy is annoying him with this ‘i know you’re in there’ talk but this is him, and he likes it, and he likes watching sam fret over fragile, insignificant humans because sam is just as pathetic

[codfanficedits]

Before the mask - Part ten.

Pairing: Simon Riley x Fem!Reader

Summary: Because Simon wasn’t born as Ghost.

Wordcount: 2479 | Rating: E! (18+ only!)

Warnings: Angst.

A/N: Simon would be around 22/23 in this fic, so it would be set around 2015 ish?

Skipped my classes to write this <3, anyway this is what I think having a functional, loving family is like.

A feeling of dread washed over you as you watch Simon walk away. His movements are stiff, muscles tensed, as if he was seconds away from exploding.

And all you can do is feel guilt.

You’ve done this before, shutting people out whenever you felt overwhelmed, and he would be the first person you lost because of this. Your whole life you had tried to be strong, to be independent, and it had lead you to a path of being unable to ask for help, to accept help and to let people in.

You didn’t mean to push him away, you just couldn't really cope with the constant stream of information being thrown at you, but instead of communicating, you had shut him out.

Your throat starts to get dry and you really want to reach out, but Simon was gone before you could fully react. Your feet feel heavy as you open the door to your quarters.

It had started to be such a lovely day, and now it had all gone to shit, you could feel the tags on your clothes, the music was too loud, the lights too bright, and on top of that, you couldn’t really shake the awful feeling this whole interaction had given you.

Though you had this every now and then, you would be overwhelmed, to the point that you really couldn’t stand have anyone, or anything around you. In response you close your curtains, making your room a whole lot darker, next to go were your clothes, the feeling of the fabric on your skin just felt too much, and you needed to get rid of it. Sliding under the covers was the best solution right now.

Maybe it wasn’t the best thing to take a nap right now, but you knew that if you tried to talk to Simon at this moment, it would just be a whirlwind of emotions. Neither of you would benefit from it.

Not that you could sleep much, you could hear his door slam shut, and all you could do was toss around, switching from your left side, to your right side, trying to sleep on your back. Nothing seemed to work, every time you closed your eyes, you saw his face again. The initial disappointment, the anger, the insecurities, and it made you feel like shit.

After what felt like hours, you couldn’t take it anymore, and your kicked your blankets off yourself, putting your clothes on once again. Even though you hadn’t been able to sleep, just trying to rest, with little to no stimulation, had calmed you down immensely, your clothes didn’t feel suffocating, and when you opened the curtains again, you could actually stand it to look at the world again.

Now would be the right time to talk to Simon, so you went to his door, politely knocking once, twice, three times, four times.

Fuck.

That awful feeling you had, came right back to you, your heart pounding in your chest. Was he ignoring you, or was he really out and about? How could he be out and about while you felt so awful, did he really care so little?

Without making a fuss you return to your own room, slamming the door shut as you drop yourself to your bed again. There is only one person who could help you right now, and it’s your dad.

You know it is expensive to call overseas, but you really need to hear his voice today.

Holding in your breath you wait for the phone to connect, and just when you think he won’t pick up, you hear the familiar voice of your father.

“Sweetheart! Everything alright?” Of course he is worried, getting a random call from a soldier never meant good news.

“No.” You couldn’t remember the last time your voice sounded this soft, this insecure. “I need your advice dad.”

“Hmm,” He wondered what would make you this distraught. You were usually much more cheerful in nature. “About?” He enquired after a moment, wanting nothing more than to reach out to brush his thumb against the side of your cheek, if he would’ve been here, he could’ve comforted you through his touch, but your father couldn’t, and it was killing him.

You sat down on your bed. "I've been dating Simon for a little while now. You've seen him once, and you like him too." You began, hoping he would get the hint.  "But he wants to spend so much time together, and when I asked for some time apart, he got quite upset."

“I see,” He furrowed his brow, an all-too-familiar frown marring his features. You were growing up, becoming an adult. No doubt you’d find yourself in situations where you’d need guidance. He was ready.

“What did you say to him, if I might ask?” he enquired, his tone measured as he waited for you to answer.

"Okay, so." You began. "We had spent nearly the whole day together, and then he asked if I would sleep over at his quarters, or if he would sleep over at mine." You explained.

"So I told him I hoped we could sleep at our own quarters and that I needed some peace and quiet."

“And how did he react? Did he get angry?” Your father inquired, his brow furrowed even further. In his mind, there was very little cause for you to be upset. Your boyfriend had acted as he should; it was typical in relationships for couples to want to see one another, and your father knew about your tendencies to shut yourself off completely.

"Well, not angry. Just disappointed." You responded. "As if I was rejecting him."

You let some silence linger for a brief moment.  "And then I may or may not have called him dramatic." You admitted. "He just, turned around and said we needed some space, and now I’m worried I’ve shut him off completely."

“I see...” he replied, letting out a breath of disappointment as he pinched the bridge of his nose. So it was just a miscommunication. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed. Your father wanted to say more to you, to offer you some of his advice, some of his experience, but he was interrupted by the voice of a woman.

 “Let me talk to her!” The voice of your grandma was evident on the background. “She needs some advice from a woman!”

You didn’t have to be there to know what type of scene was unfolding. Your father holding up the phone a little too high for your grandma to reach, and her not giving up until she got what she wanted. It brought a smile to your face.

The amount of distortion on the background indicated that your grandma had won the battle. “That man doesn’t know what he is talking about.” She huffed, the moment she got her hands on the phone.

“Tell me what is wrong sweetheart.”

You straighten your back and you tell the story again. You needed some space, Simon reacted to that, and you called him dramatic.

“Hmm.” Your grandma stays quiet for a second. “I need some wine for this.”

You hear a faint protest on the background. “You can’t have alcohol with your blood pressure medicine!”

But by the Gods, your grandmother is a stubborn woman. “I’ll take a red, please and thank you.” And you know your father will fold for this.

“You know, sweetheart.” She speaks to you. “Your grandpa used to be the same. He would spent hours in his shed when he was overwhelmed. I hated it in the beginning.”

“You did?”

“Of course I did, I was madly in love, I finally had my soldier back with me, and then he went to spend his whole evening in his shed after we had done something together.” She explained, sipping on her wine. “It caused all of our arguments in the beginning.”

“How, how did that happen?” You bring out.

“Well, I didn’t manage to tell him what disappointed me, and your grandpa was horrible at managing his energy, mostly his social battery, so I would drag him along to something social, a party, a dinner, we could go out to dance, and he wasn’t able to tell me when he needed to unwind, so he shut me out and isolated himself. Drove me mad.”

It feels like a breathe of fresh air, of course you weren’t alone in the world, of course you weren’t the only one who experienced this, but it was nice to hear that someone from your direct family suffered from this and that very same person was loved all the way to after his dead.

“How did you two manage to deal with this?” You ask her.

“Well, first, I need to tell you, that just because it worked for us, might not mean that it works for you and your soldierboy.” Your grandma began. “But, I had to work a little on myself first.” She continued.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I reacted very strongly whenever he told me he needed his space, no matter if he said it very bluntly, or if he said it more, sophisticated, I would always feel this surge of anger, disappointment run through me.” Your grandma said.

“Why?”

“Well, that took me a little while to figure out. But, all my life I had been told I was too strong willed, too loud, too unlovable, and every time your grandpa told me he needed some peace and quiet, I took that personally. I took that as a personal rejection. I realized I was so afraid I was really unlovable, that the idea of him not wanting to spent his time with me, gave me the worst feelings of panic, and those feelings of insecurity, made me lash out horribly.” She explained.

And you stay quiet, not once had you thought your grandparents went through the same thing, they even managed to beat it!

“But.” She continued. “That didn’t mean that your grandpa was without blame. He could spend the whole day being with me, and all of the sudden he would drop a ‘I’m tired and I need some space’ bomb on me.”

“Oh.” You have to swallow the lump in your throat, that had been exactly what you had done. You had ignored every little thing that would indicate you were getting overwhelmed and you only put up your boundaries when it was already too late.

“You’re just like him, you know? You do the same things, being a stubborn little shit, who doesn’t want to accept any help, because you’ve been told that you need to be strong. So you ignore your own boundaries until you can’t take it anymore, and then you shut out the people who love you.” Grandma wasn’t holding back, instead she gave you the reality check you needed a while ago.

You swallow to get rid of your dry throat. You wanted some words of comfort, not your grandma ripping open the oozing wound, and forcing you to look at the issue, instead of ignoring it. “But.”  You protest. “It is not like I can prevent it.”

“You can.” Your grandma retorts. “And even if you couldn’t, it is an explanation for your behaviour, not a free pass. Try to let him in, ask him for help, and for gods sake, learn to regulate. Tell him when you’re starting to feel overstimulated, tell him when you feel like it will all be too much. Because if he truly loves you, the only thing he wants to do, is to help you.”

She was right, and you hated it, you had been shutting him out, regarding that subject that is, and why? Because you felt like you had to carry the whole world on your own shoulders? Where had that gotten you? Not that far it seemed.

“Right now I don’t appreciate your words.” You tell your grandma. “But I’m sure I’ll find some truth in to them when I’m calmed down.”

The little cackle on the end on the line almost sounds endearing. “I know you don’t like them. Your grandpa hated it when I held a mirror out in front of him in order to make him look at his actions, but just promise me you’ll let those words sink in, okay?”

You knew she was right, and you also knew those words would make sense once you had thought about it for a little while. “I promise.”

“Good. Now, I’ll have to go, I have to wrestle your father for the remote, Judge Judy is on and he won’t let me watch it.”

Before you can even say a thing, your grandmother ends the call, and you stare at your phone for a second. The moment you realize the call is ended, the tears begin to flow.

It was all too much. Your argument with Simon, the self-reflection you had to do. The realisation that your family was at the other side of the globe. It hurts.

Your pillow gets used as a plushie and as a tool to muffle the sobs that leave your lips. Worry clouding your mind, your grandparents had managed to survive their hardships, but could you and Simon?

That cry felt good though, everything that had bothered you, was set free, and after a couple of minutes, the tears started to stop, your breathing started to regulate, and you even stopped the soft sniffles.

As you got up from your bed, you pass a mirror. You’re a goddamn mess, eyes red and puffy from crying, the skin on your cheeks wet. But despite all that, you give yourself the peace sign before you clean yourself up a little bit. A few deep breaths before you splash some cold water against your face.

You needed to talk to Simon, you needed this to work out, even if that meant biting the bullet. You had heard his shower, which meant he was back into his room, all you needed to do, was go over to his door, knock, and apologize. Easy peasy. Just follow the script.

Go to his door. Knock. And apologize.

Door. Knock. Apologize.

As you swing open your door, he does the same, the both of you stepping out of your quarters at the same time.

Door. Knock. Apologize?

An awkward silence followed as the two of you made eye contact. What could you even say in a situation like this? Should you apologize already? Tell him about the conversation you had with your grandma? Just.. What could you do? Maybe it would be best to start casual. The whole script you had made up, was blown to smithereens and you had some trouble adjusting to it.

“Hi.” The word leaves your lips, as he begins to speak too.

“We need to talk.”

[ahiddenpath]

Otakon 2023

Lil ramblin' about the con beneath the cut! But above the cut, my spoils!

I haven't been to a con since NYC Comicon in 2015, so this was a ride!

Amazing Stuff:

-Meeting @citrus-cactus at the Digimon redubbed movies screening! It was so amazing to meet her after being in the same online community for... Like... God, who even knows, like ten years?!?!?! And she is so lovely!

-THE DIGIMON REDUBBED MOVIES SCREENING!!! More on that here!

-My haul above! A sweet lil Kou-chan figure and a Luna plush from the dealer's room and an artbook from Shouri and a Sonic keychain from the artist's alley!

Not my fave stuff and neutral observations:

For reference, I went to Otakon all three days from roughly age 14 straight through college?? Well, in college it would have been Sat/Sun only. After that, I guess I didn't go that often, but any comparisons I make are to that time period (roughly 2003-2011 ish).

The DC convention center as a venue:

-The convention center was easy to get to from the Metro!

-The building was much bigger and better able to handle the crowd than the Baltimore Convention Center.

-There was. NO SIGNAGE. WHATSOEVER. For ANYTHING. Absolutely horrendous. What there WERE were volunteers/employees who bellowed directly into your face to... Do the things you were already doing. Or to... Walk the other way around the pillar. Because the other side leads into the faerie realm or some shit, idek.

-The guide books used to have maps, schedules, opening and closure times, etc. There was a map in this guidebook, but the opening and closing times for different parts of the cons and the event schedule were not printed. Meaning I had to use my phone to know, for example, when and where the Digimon screening event was... And there was poor reception the dealer's room in the lowest level.

Although the event schedule site couldn't load, I was blessed that some of Citrus' discord messages were getting through. She alerted me that the screening room was filling up and told me the room number (bless!!!! Thank!!!).

The con compared to ones I remember:

-I was shocked that there was a digimon panel and two separate Digimon screenings in one day? And the Digimon movie redub screening event was full to capacity- I missed the first film because I was next in line at the shut door D: So, like, Digimon is alive, and I saw two Daisuke cosplays, a Ken cosplay, and someone with a Patamon plush attached to their baseball cap. Patahat! There wasn't much merch. Citrus spotted the main place offering digimerch and sent me there (I got the Kou figure there). She also saw the lone Digimon fanart in Artist's Alley, and we found someone who made baby stage plushes. Another dealer's room place had some vintage plushies of the digimon that looked... like they had been through... some stuff.

Basically, Digimon seems to still be very much alive in terms of audience interest, but not so much the merch and fan art. I don't know what to make of that.

-The con seemed a lot less lively than the ones I remember. I only saw a few interesting cosplays (like the kind where you go, how did they even do that?!). My husband pointed out that the hall is far larger, however, and that the cosplay folks have tons of photo studio rooms to go to. They were likely there.

-The extra space was deeply appreciated (compared to what I'm used to from the Baltimore days), but... Okay, so the Dealer's Room provided empty space. Every aisle had an end area to "pull over in," whether it's for a water or food break, a photo op, or to wait for your bud to make a purchase.

PEOPLE STILL STOPPED DEAD DIRECTLY IN THE MAIN THROUGHWAY. WHY. WOULD YOU DO THAT. PLEASE I AM BEGGING-

My husband says I'm dreaming if I think the provided empty space will stop people from doing that, lol!

-DEMON SLAYER. EVERYTHING IS DEMON SLAYER. THERE IS NOTHING BUT DEMON SLAYER. Look, I enjoy Demon Slayer too, but good gracious, it's clearly the Naruto of the 2020s in terms of popularity.

-I learned who Rem is. Good God there were a lot of Rem figures.

-Looking at my purchases, I bought for three "classic" IPs and supported an artist I've followed for a long time. No new stuff. And I'd say the merch overall was about half "vintage" stuff and half newer stuff. Lots of Sailor Moon, DBZ, Pokemon, etc.

General Con Hardships:

-So a friend suggested to me recently that I might have sensory issues. I balked, because jfc have you seen my list of issues, please don't suggest another, I beg, I am full up, can I have some less sir.

Uh basically she mentioned how much she used to love going to the movies and I said, "I don't go anymore, I can't understand the voice audio." And she was like- Okay so it's true that some movies don't mix sound properly and can't be understood well, but if it's all movies... Um, babe, I think that's an auditory processing issue.

She suggested I get ear plugs, and god DAMN I wish I had them at the con.

Riding in the metro in tunnels? The whoosing and clanking hurt. Volunteers absolutely bellowing in your face at the con? Look, I guess it's their job, but please I am going to cry if you scream in my face like that. People playing music at the loudest volume in the dealer's room and hallways? Why, why would you do that. Someone was walking around playing an ocarina on the way to the dealer's room, so I was stuck with her for about 10-15 min, and I genuinely wanted to lock the damn thing in her backpack on a timer somehow, lmao. Look, ocarinas are easy enough to get the correct note out of, but they are difficult to control tonally. That high-pitched, harsh PHWEEEE noise clawed at my ears.

Of course, you can't control other people. The best I can do is accommodate myself to suit the place I'm going, which means... The damned ear plugs.

Apparently sensory issues and anxiety go hand-in-hand, as of course people feel stressed if the signals around them aren't being processed in the "typical" way, causing strain.

So... The con was exhausting and just... Difficult. But! I'm really glad I went! And I'll just buy the gd earplugs, here's what was recommended to me.

Also, PS: I found a piece of rare digimon merch that was way out of my budget at a dealer's room stand. But when I came home and looked it up, I found it for 35% less (which, at this price point, was a lot). AND NOW I HAVE AN ABSOLUTE TREASURE ON THE WAY AND I CANNOT WAIT TO SHOW YOU! Also, honestly check the retail on stuff in the dealer's room before you buy, this must be why there's no reception down there-

I am ready to not attend a con until next year! But to also go next year! Maybe I'll meet more of my online pals!!!! :D

[mlobsters]

supernatural s11e3 the bad seed (w. brad buckner, eugenie ross-leming)

who brought the janky subaru to the mega coven? rowena looking fabulous per usual. oh, i guess she's in a ... scrapyard? keeping it classy

i think i might need to go back to being a little bit high to watch this show. downside is it messes with my ability to remember a bit more than my usual garbage memory (though it is mostly offset by making these posts). upside.. easier to let things roll off my back.

SAM Well, God kicked this thing's ass once before, right? DEAN Yeah, it'd be nice if he put down the Mai Tai and show up for work. CASTIEL I wouldn't count on it. SAM It's possible he's around. Closer than we think, you know? DEAN What makes you say that?

dean not talking about his ~bond~ with the darkness, sam not saying how he had some freaky flashbacks after praying to god. and almost dying from the zombie juice. sigh. i don't like complaining this much either!

DEAN Come on, Crowley, pick up. I've left you a dozen messages. Why isn't he answering the phone? SAM Because he's a dick, and that's not breaking news.

lol good one, sam

DEAN You know where you are? What's the date? CASTIEL Earth. Several billion years from the beginning.

there's the snarky cas i can get behind

i am 90% convinced they foley'd in a sloshing sound when he initially sat up, but the clinking chains and the groaning has me not totally sure

LOL sam pulling his hand back slowly during this explanation. also good job with the captioning an accented e netflix :p

little angel and demon worker bee bonding at the bar about the bosses being useless, how very good omens

using my boop boop 10+ year makeup fixation i'm like, I KNOW THIS.

that ultra thin compact design is unusual and screams luxury. searching the brain archives and i'm fairly certain that's a marc jacobs bronzer or contour compact. not that i ever bought or used one. but 2015 for sure was still in the thick of the fixation which included lots of beauty youtube

anyway.

CROWLEY That's God for you. Not really thought out. The whole big bang thing? More of a big bust. I mean, boom, bang, stars, evolution, Taylor Swift. I'm guessing you'd have done things differently.

again, how does this jive with other gods?

getups are reminding me of the airport scene disguises in 12 monkeys (1995) crossed with dodgson from jurassic park. i know it's all generic but brain's always trying to find connections

very nice handwritten instructions they left cas with

ooh a slightly messy desktop, zooming in with glee. *come on, untitled 1 and 2, make a comeback!* shame. but it's all on-brand. and that chonky hard drive, 1.5+TB

i know the fetishizing asian women is dean's Thing, but could we please PLEASE fucking drop it.

are we gonna odd couple our way to all work together against amara?

i thought he was familiar, it's rafe from the magicians!

the magicians s2e13 we have brought you little cakes - sergio osuna as rafe

ROWENA You wouldn't think a road trip with two such strapping lads could be this tedious. Shall we have a wee sing-song?

oh, see, sam is not telling dean so many things i've lost track. almost dying and talking to god and getting an answer-ish, deal with rowena to remove the mark paid with crowley's (unsuccessful) death, what else

SAM Look, I was gonna tell you. Obviously, nothing ever came of it, so I-I figured there was no point, you know? DEAN No point, huh? ROWENA I-I mean, I see what Dean's saying. Your wee pal Castiel wouldn't be in this pickle if you'd done what you'd promised. I would've had no reason to cast the attack dog spell if Crowley were already dead. Excellent point. DEAN It's not my point. Sam knows my point. Keyword -- secrets. ROWENA Ah, well, I'm just glad I got the conversation flowing. Family relations are a speciality of mine.

can we just get rowena to spill the beans on all their bullshit lies and be done with it?

this show will make any excuse to beat the shit out of dean and get him on his knees, bleeding

SAM Hey. You should keep applying that. DEAN Thanks, mom. You just keep the beers comin'.

like you wouldn't nag sam the same way

CASTIEL Dean, I can fix that. DEAN No, no. It's fine, Cas. Besides, I had it comin'.

doing penance, how very dean. had it comin for what now? trying to scroll through dean's latest fuckups but keeping track of his with sam and the world at large (and sam with him and the world) and castiel apparently is Too Much.

ah i didn't notice until scrolling through the trivia bits on the wiki that jackles directed this one too

[josiebelladonna]

okay, i officially hate art contests.

you know how yesterday i was saying that ai has cheapened art on pretty much every level possible? well, art contests play a role in that, too. probably a bigger role, tbh, and ai is merely writing its obituary.

i just think of all the contests i’ve ever entered, starting with the science fair in elementary school where my dad and i built a trebuchet together and we all thought that was going to be a slam dunk. our catapult lost out to your stereotypical volcano eruption of cola and mentos. A CATAPULT!

then there was an art contest in middle school, when i entered a cartoon in—i don’t remember what it was exactly but i had drawn a picture full of people in my cartoon style, fresh off the press from the winter before. i lost to the crappiest drawing you’ve ever seen, and i knew there was some favoritism going on there.

then there was soundgarden’s fan art contest in 2016. i entered a drawing of soundgarden themselves into it and i had absolutely no hope for it just from my past experiences. get this: it actually won… but no one on my facebook cared. i think one person liked it, but that was it (this was 2016, too, way before ai came about and ruined everything). the other girl who won got support out the nose. i also hated the prize, too, so figure i distanced myself from the whole thing. what, we put our hard work into this shit and you can’t even be bothered to do better than vinyl records?

then there was chalk on the walk the year before and in 2018. i drew a koi pond in 2015. got bupkis, not even a “thank you”. i drew chris with my heavy metal flowers in 2018. got a bunch of people stopping and taking pictures and asking me questions, but i didn’t even get an honorable mention. i don’t even know who won either year, i don’t even remember them.

i entered my beatles drawings into the state fair in 2018, all four of which i spent hours on. got nothing: i lost to the shittiest drawing of edgar allen poe i had ever seen in my entire life, and i wish i took a picture to show you guys because it really was that godawful.

now here we are with mermay. did all my stuff this year by hand and i’m starting to wonder what the hell is even the point now when it’s obvious they like the clean, digital, disney-ish stuff better. the month isn’t even done yet and i’m starting to feel like a complete idiot for even bothering with it. really, i feel genuinely embarrassed for even attempting it in the first place. i’m just gonna post the remaining ones and then just be done with it, i’m not gonna give a shit about the winners (plus, i’ve been on ig four years now and you’d think, logically, my account has grown by now. fuck me, right?)

i’m thinking of participating in a fashion one for edward gorey’s foundation later this year just to try something different but… now that i write this out, i really, really don’t know and i’m starting to regret even considering it. i have the worst track record with these things and my so-called family and so-called friends wouldn’t give a shit if my life depended on it. i can just see their reactions towards it, too, like “oh, great, here we go again… another contest, another forgone conclusion… get a real job, sweetie”. the people who claim to care about me don’t care at this point. they didn’t care in 2016, and they really don’t care now.

I don’t win contests. i never can, either, simply because of the whole unspoken act of favoritism. you put your heart and soul into a portrait of your dead friend or into four of the four lads from liverpool and you fucking lose to cheapness and amateurness in the worst way possible taken to its dumbest conclusion. they also shortchange artists, too, like the prizes for the chalk on the walk competitions were like gift cards. the soundgarden one had fucking vinyl, not meeting the guys or having a say in the art for the next album or anything awesome like that. just: “here. vinyl”. (worse, they didn’t even tell us what it was until after the fact, so yeah, figure i totally felt used and it left a bad taste in my mouth). because of this, they are very limiting. you can only get away with so much for the sake of the dumbest conclusion you can possibly think of.

art contests are complete bullshit. don’t bother with them if you respect yourself.

[electrificata]

having music critic thots abt the weeknd im so so sorry

i saw the weeknd in concert last summer, it was amazing. i really dont like stadium shows usually, but his was killer, he had a cool stage concept (gently mad max-ish cult leader and his dancer-disciples, giant inflatable moon) and he's got the presence to fill up all that space. and ive been listening to him for almost a decade, obviously the music's there. actually the show i was at was where he debuted the trailer for the idol. its out now and i havent watched yet. i thought it looked cool then, but after everything ive heard.....im just really ambivalent.

in the early days, when he was keeping mysterious, no press, no photos, you didnt even know if the weeknd was a band or a guy. just this chilly, atmospheric, sleazy/sexy horror-movie r&b. nothing supernatural. but cruel. the lyrics were all about the worst kind of fuckboy shit, and obviously drugs, and the music really seemed to give proper weight to it. the speaker in the songs was awful, the music was telling you that his actions were violent and terrifying for the women he's hurting and for toxic for himself. if youre a person attracted to men, you know what its like to see how awful a guy can be and still be into him, maybe even BECAUSE of how awful he is. thats a fucking horror movie. those first xo eps are crazy, i still listen to them.

then he goes pop star. i remember the collab w/ ariana grande in 2014 was surprising but it found a perfect, plausible midpoint between their two universes. then he goes full max martin in 2015 with "can't feel my face" and again, bizarre to see this plausible way for the prince of darkness to get to the top 40 via a neo-michael jackson jam with a veiled drug reference as opposed to multiple explicit ones. but it made sense! he danced onstage now! i remember hearing it on the radio when i was picking my cousins up from middle school, that felt surreal.

and he just kept on doing the popstar thing. i dont think the sleaze ever really left, it just receded into the background. killer atmosphere, more pop hooks, a general darkness that felt credible coming from him because of the early stuff, its just lit with neon now. he gets increasingly more conceptual, which i love. i love a concept album. its still about fucked up relationships and now death more generally instead of drugs specifically. cool, great. i've been with him the entire time. that brings us up more-or-less to the present.

im not gonna recap all the shit around the idol, if you want it im sure theres an article or youtube video thatll do a better job than i can. ill just summarize my own thoughts: it feels like the sleaze is back, maybe some of the horror, but also Glamour. johnny depp's supermodel daughter has cum on her face. we're seeing headlines about how gross the sex scenes are. look how Glamorous this is. classic showbiz trick of using a cautionary tale about gross men preying on women to just....create images and narratives about gross men preying on women. this might be the place i cant follow him. i cant rule out watching it, i am a habitual hater and i might be in the mood to hate soon. but its making me think about the way we use glamour and beauty in entertainment. it cant be a default, it has an effect on the story.

[squidsavior-m]

Anonymous | what’s your biggest inspiration for how you write blue?

ok ok... so in the best words that I can explain it. This is going to turn into a rambling as... I honestly do not know but I'm going to try to figure it out.

I guess it's mostly me and some things that happened to me? That I wanted to put in a story but it's not entirely my life? Since she did start out as a self insert like character before she went off the rails. And started to have her own personality. For those who are new, I've been writing this muse since 2015 ish. So she has grown from the personality she had in the beginning.

As far I can tell my ideas of her are uh mostly anime protags and sort of making fun of them in a way? Because I do recall watching BNHA and looking at Deku and was like "yeah that seems like Blue."

And then the kraken idea kicked in uh after people telling how good I was with Krak-On Roller and I started to main it. And I remember seeing a blog a long time ago, with their character being werekraken. And I basically went "I like that idea... mind if I uh be inspired by you?" And then later down the line the thoughts of "monster but with a heart of gold" kicked in. "Oh, I like that. Let's do that."

And well... here we are I guess. I've written this muse for years and I cannot even explain my own inspirations, I think.

Who knew that a group verse with murder in it. Will give this muse the "oh shit" moment and gain more personality?