#i remember i would draw drift because his story n the overall event that brought him/her in was so cool

[appri-dot]

trust me u don't gotta play fortnite to enjoy the skins!!! I mean half of the fun is watching them do gay little dances. but.

Ehehe!!! I actually used to watch and like alot of fortnite stuff, after Ceeday stopped posting and kevin(the cube) going away, I haven't been that in the loop outside of watching my brother rage (very funny) or watching trailers

I fw alot of the skins though like I was so into "the foundation" till that mf was face revealed like "oh nawr I wasn't into a monster/robot its THE ROCK💀"

[dimples-of-discontent]

Hello, it is I, a 34 year-old woman who has come here to talk about someone I know who may or may not have a crush on me but it’s irrelevant because 1) he’s not single and 2) I have cancer so I’m not going to date anyone anyway. But guess what? I don’t care!! Some things just never change and the kind of “am I reading this right??” insecurity that you have when you’re a teenager just never goes away.

So, hey, if you’ve missed me I’m here to deliver all kinds of silliness tonight! I’ve been away lately because, during the week, I went to an appointment in Boston with a doctor from Harvard who specializes in the kind of breast cancer I have and (hurray!) think it really paid off and I think I’ll be treated there. Then, for the weekend, my NY-area friends and I went away to a cabin in the woods for pre-chemo celebration/togetherness. (Don’t worry; it wasn’t like a horror movie.) It was totally wonderful. I drove to and from the cabin with the dude in question. My adolescent ramblings below.

So, back in August I wrote this silly post about whether I was over- or misinterpreting my friend’s behavior. At the time, we’d been friends for about 3 months and he and his GF were long-distance. Now, we’ve been friends for an additional 7 months and she’s lived with him for 6 of those. They are now both actually my closest friends in town and really high on the list overall too. I like hanging out with them together and separately. We’ve got a neat nexus of overlapping interests so that any combination of the 3 of us has lots to talk about and a lot of fun. I’m somewhat closer to him, because we see each other SO often and because we often confide things in each other. I’m close to her too, though. It’s rare to find such good friends and, honestly, that’s the only really important thing. I have no interest in losing that.

Anyway, my read on the situation back when I posted in August is now pretty much that he was stressing out about the imminent arrival of the GF because they hadn’t been living together and she was moving there without a job just to be with him and that’s kind of a lot. I have no idea if it had anything to do with me. I think it may have, just in the sense of an additional thing. I think it’s likely that he had some level of crush on me--although even if not we were definitely good friends--and was worried about how that would change with the addition of a partner would change either dynamic. 

It all worked out because the minute the three of us met as a group we clicked instantly. We spent the summer and fall going hiking together and all having long conversations in the car and on the trail. We watched movies together and threw a Halloween party. He and I see each other 5-7 days a week (since we work together) and have a constantly active text conversations (the 3 of us have a GC too). I worried about intruding, but both of them invited me to stuff and were happy to be invited. (I did find it hard/annoying to try to see either one of them socially without the other...they do the couple thing of coming along as a unit but, ultimately, I didn’t make a thing out of it b/c they are great.) I could see how much he relaxed, literally the first few hours we all met up together as it was apparent how well we all got along. So, maybe he was worried about what I was going to do myself as well as his feelings? Who knows.

So I was pretty much on the side of “this was a temporary crush that abated once GF moved in and he remembered why they were together and it was clear that that wasn’t changing just b/c I was around.” That’s true, I think. But...ok. So, I’m very much one for crushing on, hooking up with, and getting into relationships with friends. I find it hard to know any other way. This means that I’m constantly keeping a lid on low-to-high level crushes for unavailable folks. (I think my brain is just wired for romantic/physical attraction to align with emotional closeness...too bad I’m only romantically and physically attracted to men though.) So of course--of COURSE--there is a part of me that wants us to be dating. Inevitably. It’s not helped by the fact that he reminds me so strongly of my first serious boyfriend, a wonderful guy I was with for 3.5 years. And, generally, I blame myself and this fact for any over-reading of things. But then I wonder if I’m not just gaslighting myself (an expert move) b/c I am so worried about coming off as arrogant by thinking he does have romantic feelings.

There are plenty of small things aside from just the constant contact. For one, he was deeply upset by my cancer diagnosis and is taking it all (including my feelings about it) very seriously. And, yeah, that is a very valid reaction, but we haven’t known one another that long...even my exes and friends from 10+ years ago haven’t been as affected, and the people who are have have been in my life for absolute ever. I’m shocked that he and the GF are willing to go through this with me since I feel like I haven’t given them much as friends so far, but they absolutely are so clearly they are just great people.

More frivolously, when one or both of us is intoxicated or otherwise in an altered state he’ll let himself be a lot physically closer to me than usual. Like, it’s actually notable that usually he tries hard not to be touching me, in a way that just has to be deliberate. Friends sit together and knock their shoulders or elbow each other or will pat backs, ruffle hair, share blankets, lean into each other...all the kinds of touching that communicate intimacy without it being sexually charged. If we do that by accident, he’ll move away fast. Except if he’s drunk. And even then it’s absolutely nothing untoward, just drifting into my space, resting knees together. One time we were standing in line for fried food after a bar night, with the GF, all happily drunk, and I leaned into him so our shoulders and arms were pressed together as I read the menu. He moved away so that we weren’t touching. Then, a fraction of a second later, he moved back so that we were pressed together again, like he’d made some kind of decision to do it. He also *never* says anything about my appearance. Like, not even “you look nice” when I’m dressed for an event or “I like your haircut.” Maybe he just doesn’t want to be brought in to validate me or something, but again it feels like it goes against the social norms for friends but makes sense if he’s trying to conceal non-platonic feelings.

We behave enough like a couple that people who encounter us, even at work, often believe we’re together. We share food and drinks (from the same plates or cups) and often bring things that the other has left behind at our places. We have to try not to get the giggles at meetings when inside jokes come up. We tease each other with stories only 2-3 of us (him, me, and GF) know. This is all kind of dumb and, mostly, background noise to a great friendship. I decided that we’d just always have a little tension/chemistry but that we’d probably never mention it and that’s fine. That’s likely right! But this weekend he and I drove up to this cabin together (about 3 hrs each way) and things felt...loaded?

I’m getting tired, so I may need to write down the rest of my thoughts later. But, on the way up, we listened to music and drove through the dark and had some good conversations about friends, family, work, life, etc. The weekend was great (about which more later, hopefully) and then today on the drive back (which, again, is close to 3 hours) we did nothing but talk. First, about life stuff and then, rapidly, about our entire relationship histories. We’d exchanged a lot of that info before--including how much I remind him of the GF before this one, which we affirmed again when I referred to her as “the one who is basically me” and he said “yeah, and in more than the superficial ways too.” To be clear, he wasn’t talking about his current relationship or implying anything like dissatisfaction with it. There was just a whole LOT of dating history, hookup history, good/bad feelings and experiences; the kind of long convo you can have with a friend while burning miles of highway.

We took a break, got back in the car, and I laughed and said “I feel like that was pretty much my whole history but if there’s anything else you want to know AMA!”. I didn’t expect him to take it seriously but he did and basically asked “What crazy things did you do when you were younger” and I was like “in what sense? and what’s do you consider ‘crazy’?” and he was like “I mostly mean sexually...and you get to decide what counts.” So, I don’t have a totally extensive experience to draw from but I have some so I shared a few and was like “what about you?” and then he shared a few. And we had actual real conversations about how relationships make you feel and about the weird nexus of desire and shame that can happen. 

Eventually I was like, “I think that’s everything I could tell you...anything else you wanted to know?”. And he goes quiet for a L O N G time and goes “is there anyone in [place where we live] that you have like a crush on?”. And I am rolling my eyes internally (and possibly externally) because EITHER this is the most obvious ploy to get me to say “oh it’s you!” that I’ve ever heard, or else he so TOTALLY doesn’t think of me that way that he’s not even counting himself as a possibility. So I just go ahead and say, “well, if you weren’t in a relationship I would want to date you” b/c I am not going to coyly misdirect. I’m watching the traffic b/c the highway is crowded so I don’t know what face he made but he says, “Thank you. I mean...yeah. I could see that happening. [pause] But what I meant was is there anyone you have just, like, an idle crush on?”. So then I feel kind of dumb because was that his way of letting me down gently? OR was it way of saying “yeah, what you’re talking about with us is more than an idle crush”?? One way makes me feel stupid for saying anything, and the other makes me feel like he pretty much just told me that we’d be dating if he weren’t with someone else - which is what I suspected but which I also thought it made me arrogant to think. (Or maybe it was just a way to not have to follow up on us both basically admitting that if things were different we’d be a couple.)

There was some other odd stuff, though none of it felt weird in a bad way just like it stuck out a little. (FYI, it was all in fun and not at all awkward - we are super comfortable together.) I was talking about how several times I’ve gotten together with guys for a short time who then went back to their long-term girlfriends and how one of my other friends said I was a “what if” girl; like “sure I have a girlfriend but what if I were with HER??”. And he was like, well yeah, that’s possible and a huge compliment b/c why not dream big? And then later said that clearly I could be a homewrecker if I ever wanted to be (though we both know I wouldn’t). He also told me about another girl who was his ex’s roommate who just started texting him again talking about how she’s unhappy in her relationship; he says they always had chemistry and that she’s reaching out b/c of that but that, obviously, he’s just playing dumb in the text messages and pretending that’s not what she’s doing. But, like, is he letting me know that other people like him? Why? Basically, I couldn’t get a handle on whether this conversation, whatever else it was, had a subtextual vibe of “I have doubts/questions about my current situation” or not.

Having typed it out, though, it sounds a bit like it does? And like they might involve me? Or that it’s just fully a “bad timing” kind of thing where we could date but obviously never will. Can we at least conclude that this is someone who is attracted to me?? It sounds like that, right?

I mean, it also sounds very silly and not appropriate to my age to be going over in such detail but, honestly, if it’s distracting me from cancer that’s kind of just good. Anyway, you are readers and writers of fic and consumers of literature so I appeal to you to let me know what YOU think is going on here...aside from the fact that no matter what I have a great pair of friends who I care very much about. I welcome the distraction....though if you could comment and not reblog that would be great. And thank you for reading this diary entry. ;)

[wknc881]

Show Review of Imurj's "Local Artist Spotlight"

On Friday, August 24th, the Raleigh music venue, Imurj hosted a “Local Artist Spotlight” show which featured three up-and-coming artists who were personally selected by Imurj. The lineup was as follows:

1. Stranded Bandits (opener)

2. Darren and the Buttered Toast

3. Mosquito Washington and the Bloodsuckers (headliner)

I listed the artists in their performance order but I will be describing their sets based on which I enjoyed the most (my favorite act being the last one).

Although Mosquito Washington was the headliner, I was least impressed by them. This band, comprised of 5 classic metal old-heads had little impact on the crowd. For the first few songs audience members– many of whom were very clearly not traditional metal heads– excitedly began head-banging and participated in a center-stage push-pit. Eventually, however, the crowd dissipated as riff-after-repetitive-riff drawled on. Now, don’t get me wrong, the members of Mosquito Washington are vastly talented men who clearly have a solid taste in music, but it is safe to say that their time is long over. Each song could have easily been an Alice Cooper or Black Sabbath cover, which may have been preferable to their lesser-known originals. It was nostalgic to hear such classic song structures, but maybe they weren’t suitable for this event. The vast majority of the crowd were in their early 20s and if they weren’t attending as part of the entourage of other performers, they were mere frequent customers of the bar and probably not diehard hair-metal fans. Overall, I feel as though Mosquito Washington could have had a better draw at a tribute show or by marketing themselves as a cover band. Kudos to the members for carrying on the spirit of the 70s and 80s, and such a pity that it was lost on the ears of the crowd.

Up next was Stranded Bandits, a 4-piece rock group that is relatively new to the Raleigh scene, but for those invested in its culture it won’t be long until their name becomes familiar. The band isn’t visually cohesive, unlike the other two artists on this lineup, but the sound each member produces mix to form an incredibly exciting set of songs.

They opened with a tune called, ‘Debauchery,’ which was steeped in classic rock elements and used riffs that the Foo Fighters themselves could have written. The crowd, at this point mostly made up of family and friends of Darren and the Buttered Toast, received the music warmly, with one audience member shouting out, “these guys rock!” Up next was a song called, ‘On the Run–’ I was very lucky that they announced the title of every song they played– and it featured main vocals and a solo by their drummer, Douglas (DJ) Schilens. The solo directly mimicked the performance style of Led Zeppelin drummer, John Bonham, particularly his Moby Dick solo in which Bonham transitioned between using sticks and his hands to play drums. Schilens used this same technique, although his solo wasn’t 15+ minutes long. In fact, Stranded Bandits seems to have a knack for showcasing their individual skills. Matt Barton, the lead guitarist of the group, was featured on an instrumental track entitled, ‘Beach Bum Blues.’ Furthermore, the group continually pays homage to their classic rock heroes, with Barton next honoring Jimi Hendrix by attempting to play guitar with his teeth. Although this was a courageous feat of showmanship, it may have fallen flat for the juvenile band– or maybe only the rock god himself, Hendrix, can successfully pull that trick off. Either way, Barton’s suave stylings outside of that moment proved to be well-suited to their music and he never made another mistake.

At the end of ‘On the Run,’ and truthfully between every song that was performed, Stranded Bandits’ bare-footed bassist, Arjun Sheth, kept up a strong, constant bassline and ensured that never did a moment pass when the audience wasn’t engaged by music. They swiftly transitioned into a Hendrix cover of the song, ‘Purple Haze.’ At this moment it was their frontman– Isaac McDaniel’s– time to shine. The frontman, though youthful, carries an air of unadulterated self-confidence when performing– I saw a clear connection to Steven Tyler. McDaniel never stopped moving, both on and off-stage, and even initiated dance circles during the following set. During their Hendrix song he threw himself to the ground, vivaciously slamming his fists against the ground, wholly consumed by the music.

This group is definitely one to keep an eye and ear on. The vibrancy of these young men won over the crowd and began the show with an explosion of sound. A few dissonant sections arose where it seemed as though the band members were drifting apart from one another, but unless you were listening critically, it would have been impossible to tell. Even so, I was informed that this was their very first real gig and that up until this point they had only done open mic events. These guys play with more finesse and flair than some veterans to the scene and I can safely say that I was beyond thoroughly impressed by Stranded Bandits.

After their set I was able to approach a friend of the band’s– Anya Johnson– who was kind enough to share her photos of their performance with me. Below are a couple of the pictures she took for Stranded Bandits.

Although the rockers in Stranded Bandits fulfilled their purpose of beginning the show with energy, it was their following act that really blew the crowd away. Darren and the Buttered Toast, as advertised on their website, are a group that draw on influences from “…the soul of R&B, Jazz, Rock, Gospel, and other musical traditions…with a focus on a positive vibe to lift the spirit and move the feet.” Without a doubt they achieved their goal. This group, having been active since 2013, had an extremely well-done set. Despite the fact that much of their music was improvised it flowed so well that it was as if they had practiced every note beforehand. Of course the skeleton of the songs were pre-written and practiced, but the meat of their performance comes from the vitality of their members. I have good things to say about all of them.

Darren Curtis (lead vocalist/guitar)

The charismatic frontman of Darren and the Buttered Toast kept his eyes ever-scanning the crowd, flashing a row of glittering teeth to anyone who matched his gaze. Curtis started off with the energy high and never let it fall. He spent the whole dancing in-front of his microphone and behind his guitar, tantalizing jazz lines seducing the audience’s eardrums. Curtis’ lyrics, especially during ‘Mr. Bass Man’ told a story set to music, and were easy to follow for the duration of the set. A true showman in every sense of the word.

Isaac Capers (backing vocals/drums)

Although Capers wasn’t showcased in the same way that Stranded Bandits had done with Schilens, there was no doubt that Capers is deeply talented. Instinctively I want to call him robotic, because to my knowledge he never missed a single beat all night, however, he was too fluid to be considered robotic. No, Capers is a definitively human drummer, and his heart guided the music he created. In pairing with Anthony Dyal, the two kept the audience dancing so frivolously that we were quite literally begging for more. Darren and the Buttered Toast performed two encores.

Delante’ Randolph (backing vocals/saxophone)

Let me start by saying that I was wholeheartedly floored by the talent that drips from this man’s fingertips. Saxophonists are notoriously creative musicians, and Randolph was no different. In coalition with Curtis– the two musicians bounced off one another effortlessly–, he created a sonic landscape fit for anyone to dance around in. Switching between a classic sax– I’d like to assume it’s an alto– and an electric sax allowed him to variate his sound in numerous ways. The electric, which looked like the biggest Juul I’ve ever seen, was hooked up to a pedal board which even furthered his ability to manipulate the music. This was something I had never seen before and it was phenomenal. Every note, every solo, every run was immaculately conceived and blessed our ears similarly. Furthermore, he was incredibly nice to talk to after the set and provided me with all the band’s contact info for future listening. Definitely an incredibly friendly man.

Anthony Dyal (bassist)

This man is the true backbone of Darren and the Buttered Toast. The funk and finesse he brought to the stage got the crowd off their feet, onto the dancefloor, and into each other's’ arms. A steady rocker, which was exemplified during his mini solo, Dyal is a master of his entire instrument. Incredible bass lines, incredible tone, the absolute cherry on the top of this buttered toast-erpiece.

Overall, Imurj did an excellent job of picking a line-up with a wide variety of genre-influences to pander to the interests of every show-goer. Every performance had its appeal and provided an excellent evening of rock n roll. I’m very excited to see where each of these groups go and how they musically progress.

If they’re ever playing in the area again, you can bet I’ll be there for another showcase of talent– I hope to see you all there.

Thanks for reading, and remember;

Punk���s not dead, its on 88.1 WKNC.

-DJ Beowvlf