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Ten Songs We Need to Forever Ban from Sporting Events

This is a spin-off of the “50 Hot Takes” article where I griped about NBA arena music.

Hot take #25:

I hate music in the middle of a sporting event, especially during Sixers games. It feels corny and inauthentic. The fan atmosphere was great at The Wells Fargo Center last season and you don’t need shitty mumble rap to be played in the middle of a possession to generate an interesting ambience.

That was mostly a basketball complaint. I don’t have a problem with other audio, like walk-up music. Chase Utley and “Kashmir” would be a good example of that. Of course you’re going to hear “Fly Eagles Fly” and the Sixers’ theme song and the Flyers’ goal song and other pieces of music that are used at the right time and in the right place.

Those are cool. No problem there.

My complaint is centered on worn-out arena music that we’ve been listening to for 20 years now, which is why it’s time to retire these ten songs from every American sporting venue:

10) Crazy Train

played by: everybody

Crazy Train is a prototypical radio and arena song because it gets a ton of play while not even being the best track on the album. I don’t even know if it’s a top three song on Blizzard of Ozz.

Of course the “all aboooooaard” is a catchy opening and the “ai ai ai” was remixed into a bunch of other tunes, and whenever you hear those lines everybody knows exactly what’s coming next. Plus, the verse riff is kind of light and fluffy compared to a lot of heavier Ozzy songs, which I guess is why Crazy Train caught mainstream popularity. The best part of the tune is Randy Rhoads’ solo, which you never hear in the arena anyway because they only play 45 second snippets.

9) the Rocky theme

played by: the Sixers in the fourth quarter

It’s an eye-roller, especially when Franklin comes out with the big boxing gloves and dances around the floor. Some people like it, I guess.

As a general rule, I think all arena music and promotion should end at the five-minute mark in the fourth quarter, leaving only natural fan noise to finish out the game. There’s nothing like the atmosphere created by a dialed-in Philly crowd, so there’s really no need to pipe in any sound at all during crunch time of a basketball game, not even during the timeouts. I can’t imagine how annoying it is to try to give instructions to your team while all sorts of noise is blaring over the loudspeakers.

8) Cotton Eye Joe

played by: too many people

What is the point of this song other than to say, “look at us, we’re white trash“? You’re just asking to be made fun of if you play this in your arena.

Cotton Eyed Joe is a traditional American folk song that’s been performed by countless musicians over the years, but the techno/dance version that you’re familiar with was done by a Swedish group called “Rednex” –

7) Let’s Get it Started

played by: everybody

I wonder how many people remember that this Black Eyed Peas track was originally titled “Let’s Get Retarded,” which was released back in 2003.

As the story goes, the group apologized and redid the lyrics, which then resulted in the song becoming a staple in all sports venues and sports-related promos for the next 15 years. It was performed live at Super Bowl 45.

6) Rock N’ Roll

played by: everybody

I honestly couldn’t remember the title of this song when I started the column, but I can certainly hear the beat reverberating through my skull. England has given us many great performers over the years, but Gary Glitter is not one of them:

5) Doop

played by: Philadelphia Union and Borussia Monchengladbach

I’m over it.

Peter Nowak stole it from Germany and it’s now played out. The Union should go for a total re-brand after they get rid of Bimbo as a sponsor, and that includes sending “Doop” back to Europe.

4) Song 2

played by: everybody

This song has a five-chord progression that would make Green Day proud.

Difference is, Green Day was rad and Blur kind of sucks.

Interestingly enough, this song is apparently misinterpreted and was meant to poke fun at grunge music.

Per Uproxx:

The reason that everyone’s introduction to the greatness that is Blur sounds so unlike the rest of their discography is because they were playing a joke on their listeners. “Song 2,” also known as WHOO HOO, is a parody of American music in the early-to-mid 1990s, more specifically Nirvana and other grunge bands, right down to the quiet-loud dynamic. Damon Albarn’s goal was to prove that lyrics don’t matter to the average mindless radio listener, and if you like the song, you’re basically an idiot. “Song 2” is Blur’s biggest hit.

“If you like the song, you’re basically an idiot.”

3) Enter Sandman

played by: Virginia Tech, a bunch of ice hockey teams

Problem with Enter Sandman is that it’s not even the heaviest tune on the Black Album, which would be “Sad But True.” I understand it has a long build-up that hits a crescendo, so I guess that’s why it’s always been used at sporting events over the years.

I’d rank the songs on the S/T like this:

Holier Than Thou

Sad But True

Through the Never

The Struggle Within

Wherever I May Roam

Enter Sandman

The God that Failed

Wolf and Man

My Friend of Misery

Don’t Tread on Me

The Unforgiven

Nothing Else Matters

Vintage Metallica, before Lars became a total slug and when Newsted was still in the band:

Look at that crowd.

Nowadays it would just be a bunch of people filming the whole thing on their iPhone.

2) Seven Nation Army

played by: everybody

A catchy song that just hung on waaaay too long. College football teams specifically started picking up Seven Nation Army by the time Jack White had moved on to his solo career, which was sometime around 2012, almost ten years after the track was released.

Now the tune is everywhere. It’s literally everywhere.

I found a remix that was attached to Assassin’s Creed trailer footage on Youtube.

1.7 million people watched this shit:

1) Sweet Caroline

played by: Boston Red Sox, Pitt football

Not only is this the worst song on the planet Earth, but nothing about it is exciting or gets you pumped up to watch or play sports.

It also happens to be played during every game by the most detestable and repugnant sporting franchise in America, which is your World Series champion Boston Red Sox.

Check out this dumb shit:

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