#i really want to get myself another wig so I don't have the same one for every sky cosplay but I only have one and I won't get another until

[skygremlin]

Would you look at that this is probably the most I've posted in a few (almost) consecutive days here since ever

But Boy am I so excited with how this came out

LOOKIT IT!!

Ew don't look too close tho

The dark plant is magnetic!!! I can take it off and put it on my head!!!! Isn't that so cool?!

It's just a little thing and so easily done but I love it sm

[me-loving-woso]

The day after tomorrow

As promised here is Part 2 of Today. Tomorrow. You can find Part 1 here: Today. Tomorrow

As soon as you reached her building, you sent her a text.

**Y/n**: Are you home?

**Aitana**: Yes, I am. Why?

**Y/n:** Open the door.

You entered the building and quickly reached her door, knocking. After a few moments, she opened it, looking surprised, both at your presence and your new bald look.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to apologize," you said shyly, waiting for her to let you in. She widened the door to let you in, then closed it again. "I'm really sorry about how I treated you today. It wasn't fair to you, and I'm really sorry."

"It's okay, really," she said without much thought.

"You can be mad at me; I deserve it," you told her.

"You're going through something really tough. I get it if you want to lash out or not be vulnerable around me, even if sometimes, I'd like it if you'd let me be there for you more," she softened her gaze, showing her sincerity.

"Maybe that's the problem," you came closer to her. "Aren't you going to get tired of waiting for me?"

She was taken aback by the question, surprised at your acknowledgment of what was happening between you. The last time that happened, you were drunk.

"Well, I don't see it that way. We are already kinda acting like a couple. We cuddle, we sometimes sleep together, we are there for each other, we communicate, and we both care for each other in a way that friends wouldn't," she pointed out. Those past weeks, she had been there for you like a girlfriend would.

"Well, you can say that, but is it enough? Do you really think we could go on like this for more than another month?"

"What are you trying to say, Y/n? Do you want this to end?"

"No, no. What I'm trying to say is that I don't think I've given you a proper chance. I pushed you away multiple times because I was scared. And I really don't want to anymore."

A smile crept onto her lips as she tried to suppress it. "So you're saying—"

"Yes, Tani. 70% of relationships fail in the first year, so let's be that 30%."

"Are you sure? Like 100%? Because if you're doing it for me, you really don't have to. I'm happy being what we are currently," she rambled.

"I'm doing it for myself. So now, just shut up and kiss me.”

She gently placed her hands on your cheeks and pulled you close to her lips. The kiss was so sweet that you both couldn't properly kiss each other because you couldn't stop smiling.

"Be serious! I can't kiss you properly," you told her, giggling.

"I'm trying!" She took a breath to keep her smile from creeping in and kissed you again, this time properly.

She took her time, making sure you both fully enjoyed kissing each other for the first time. You slowly pushed her until she was seated on the couch, while you surged forward, sitting on her lap. There, she held you tight by your waist, while you had your hands on the sides of her jaw.

When you finally pulled away to breathe, you began to pepper her cheeks, jaw, and forehead with small, quick kisses, making her giggle. You wished to hear that giggle for the rest of your life if you could.

She took a closer look at you. "You have to change your beanie!" she said, taking you off guard.

"Why? You don't like it? I'm not going for a wig if that's what you're asking."

"You're bringing an Adidas product into my home! Nike is better! Wait. I'll give you one of mine." She patted your leg for you to move, then got up and left for her room.

After a couple of seconds, she quickly came back to you, sat down on the couch, and urged you to get in the same position as before.

"Can I take the beanie off?" she asked you. It was going to be a big step for you, showing this kind of vulnerability to her. You knew she knew about your illness, but it still scared you that she would look at you differently.

You lightly nodded, and she slowly took the beanie off you, leaving your bare head on display. She gently caressed the back of your head. "How is this so smooth?" she stated jokingly. You smacked her head in response.

"You're an idiot. That's the same thing Ciro said to me," you chuckled.

"Joking aside, this right here is proof that you're one hell of a fighter, Y/n. Never forget that. The hair will eventually grow back, but your spirit and your will through this tough illness will make you even stronger." She picked up her Nike beanie and gently placed it on your head. "There you go. Definitely better." She gave you a soft kiss on your forehead and gently embraced you.

"I don't know how I got so lucky with you," you said gratefully.

"I'm the lucky one, believe me."

That night, you both remained awake until 2 AM. You told her everything about you—your first girlfriend, uni life and your relationship with Ciro and your mom. You wanted her to know everything about you and why you were the way you were.

In return, she told you everything about her life, why she loved football so much, and her deepest insecurities and fears. You both listened intently, deepening the bond that you had with each other. That conversation made you fall for her even more than before.

--

--

The next morning, Aitana headed to training with a newfound happiness. The night before had left her feeling incredibly content—words couldn't quite capture the depth of her emotions. Seeing you give her a proper chance filled her with immense gratitude.

Patience wasn't her strongest suit, but for you, she would have waited for years. In her mind, the connection that she felt with you wasn’t something that you could find with the first random person. It felt unique, but maybe all the new couples felt like this when they finally get togather.

As she entered the physio room for her session with Ciro before practice, she immediately noticed his new haircut.

"Whoa, new haircut? Looks sleek and aerodynamic!" she teased lightly.

"Is it that bad?" he asked, seemingly unfazed by her teasing.

"Just because you did it, and why you did it, it's perfect. I would've done it too if Y/n let me," she remarked.

"She would never. She'd be so mad!" Ciro chuckled.

"I know, right!"

His expression softened as he asked, "Y/n didn't come home last night. You guys talked?" Aitana felt a blush creep onto her cheeks, silently confirming his question. She sat down on the physio bed, and Ciro began working on her ankle.

"Should I give you the brother-in-law talk?" he asked, turning to her seriously.

"Whoa! A little too early for that. Give us at least a week!" she exclaimed, widening her eyes.

"Joking aside, I'm glad you didn't give up on her. It might not seem like it, but you've been helping her so much," Ciro remarked.

"You keep saying that, but in reality, I'm the one who needs her, not the opposite," Aitana admitted shyly.

"You're such a suck up!" Ciro joked, prompting Aitana to playfully push him off her ankle.

"That's not true! Without her, we both would be lost! Who would keep us in line?" Aitana retorted as Ciro finished taping her ankle. "You're good to go now."

-

During training, Aitana couldn't wipe the smile off her face, which caught the attention of her teammates, who were accustomed to her serious demeanor.

"Why are you so smiley?" Mapi asked, coming closer to her.

"No particular reason," Aitana lied.

"Does it have something to do with the art restorer?" Mapi pressed on.

"Maybe…" Aitana couldn't suppress the smile forming on her lips.

"She'd better treat you right," Mapi said protectively.

"She is."

"So when are you going to let us meet her properly?" Patri jumped into the conversation.

"I'll talk to her about it tonight," Aitana replied, thinking of the plans you two had after your chemo treatment.

"You never hang out with us anymore!"

"I do! It's just, I've been busy with—"

"Y/n, we know. You should take her out with us," Patri suggested.

"It's not that simple. I'll talk to her about it," Aitana said vaguely, refocusing on training.

-

After training, Aitana quickly showered, put on some sweats, and headed to the hospital to see you. As she entered your room, she found you surrounded by some friends, mostly middle-aged women with breast cancer, gossiping about the hot doctors in the oncology department and trying to set you up with their sons.

"Who's the lucky man?" Jimena, one of the women, asked curiously.

"Jimena, I'd rather not talk about my love life with chemicals running through my veins," you replied, trying to change the subject.

"I get it. Young love!" Jimena teased before Aitana came to your rescue with snacks. As she sat next to you, Jimena and the other women left you two alone to talk.

"Thank god you saved me, Tani. All these women were trying to fix me up with their sons," you whispered, greeting her with a kiss on the cheek.

"Were there any hot, rich contenders?" she asked playfully.

"Yeah! They were all rich entrepreneurs with abs of steel. One of them I think was an Espanyol player? He looked really hot," you teased her. Aitana was momentarily taken aback, but she quickly recovered.

"What? You thought I'd profess my undying love for you and tell you that you're my one and only," you joked, poking her side teasingly.

"I play for Barça and have abs of steel," she replied childishly, trying to one-up the fake contenders you'd invented.

"You're such a child, Tani! None of these fake contenders would stand a chance with you!" you smiled, finding her playful pout endearing.

"Say that I'm your one and only," she playfully prompts.

"You are my one and only," you humor her, lightly moving your body to give a kiss on her cheek. "Today." Another kiss. "Tomorrow." Another one. "The day after tomorrow." Yet another. "And all the days after that." One final kiss seals your declaration, and you see her satisfied look with a slight blush on her cheeks. "You just wanted a cheesy confession," you shake your head, smiling. "You're one little scrounger," you pinch her nose.

"You love it," she retorts.

"I do, but I'll be waiting for a cheesy love confession too."

-

As soon as you were done with the treatment, you decided to take a small walk, as the doctor advised. You headed to a nearby beach, deserted in January, leaving just the two of you.

"So, the team wants to meet you, like properly," she says, slightly nervous.

"Don't I meet them at your birthday party? In like a couple of weeks," you remind her.

"Well, yeah, I didn't actually think about that," she admits shyly.

"Why are you so nervous for me to meet your friends?" you ask, then realizing. "Is it because I have can—"

"Oh, god no! Never think that, okay?" She stops on her feet, turns to you, and gets shy again. "It's the first time I'm bringing a girl to meet them. I've always focused only on football until a couple of months ago—well, I ran into you. So now they're just really curious and they want to meet you."

"I'd love to meet your friends, Tani. You met Eva, so now it's my turn to meet your teammates."

"They can be a lot," she warns you.

"I think I can deal with it. Do they know I have cancer?" you ask.

"It's not my business to say."

"You should tell them. They'll probably call you crazy since you decided to get with a cancer patient. And they would be right," you giggle.

"You call it crazy. I call it just a shift of events. In the beginning, we'll live out the hard times, then we'll have the best times of our life. I'll take you to Japan, like you always wanted to, and you'll take me to Italy, and show me all of the art you restored there," she says hopefully. "And here's the cheesy love confession: I'm not very good at math, but I'm pretty good at figuring out that we belong together." Her unexpected pickup line makes you burst out in giggles. She then turns serious. "I really believe that we work out really well together, Y/n. Today. Tomorrow. The day after tomorrow. And all the days after that, I'll still believe that. So will you be my girlfriend, officially?"

"Damn, you actually are good at cheesy love confessions," you put your arms around her shoulders and pull her in for a hard kiss. She replies with the same kind of intensity and emotion.

"So it's a yes?"

"Yes," you say excitedly, going back to kiss her.

-

-

Aitana's birthday didn't start as you hoped. It was her first day off in a long time, and you wanted her to have a wonderful day. However, your plans were interrupted around 5 AM when you felt your mouth water, a sign of what was to come.

You rushed to the toilet and emptied your stomach, a common side effect of chemo but a first-time experience for you. After quickly brushing your teeth, you returned to bed, hoping it wouldn't recur. Aitana rolled over to your side and cuddled into you.

"Good morning," she whispered with a raspy voice.

"Good morning, birthday girl. Why are you up so early?" You kissed her scalp. "Go back to sleep." She relaxed against you, or rather, on top of you.

You didn't mind; you loved her cuddliness. Your hand found its way inside her shirt, soothingly rubbing her back until she drifted back to sleep.

She properly woke at 8 AM, and with some coaxing from you, you both headed to the kitchen for breakfast.

"What's the plan for today?" she asked.

"It's your birthday; whatever you want to do," you replied.

"I just want to spend it with you," she smiled goofily.

"You're such a sweet talker," you rolled your eyes.

"Since it's my birthday, you'll have to indulge me in everything," she said excitedly. "Even the most absurd things."

"What do you want?" You handed her a cup of coffee, relishing the domestic moment.

"I want a puppy," she said eagerly.

"Tani, mi amor, mi vida, mi alma, we are not getting a puppy."

"A kitten?" she suggested.

"Even worse."

"Okay, worth a shot," she said sadly, making you giggle.

"I'll give you all the kisses and cuddles you want?" you suggested.

"I think I can be satisfied with that," she said, pulling you onto her lap. "Starting with now." You shook your head amused, wrapping your arms around her shoulders and leaning in. "So I was thinking, let's have a lazy morning, then you'll take me out to lunch at that place we love so much, then in the afternoon, we'll go to the pet store and get a puppy."

"Aitana," you warned her.

"In the afternoon… we’ll figure it out then," she said.

"I have to go to the office for a couple of minutes this afternoon," you lied. You needed to get her present—a small bracelet— at home. You also had to call your doctor about what happened that morning and whether you should be worried.

Honestly, you weren't scared to meet her teammates; what scared you most were her childhood best friends. They knew her since elementary school and were extremely protective, those were the ones you really had to impress.

-

After lunch, you quickly excused yourself and got to your house to get Aitana’s bracelet, and then as a way to apologize you bought her some flowers before you got back to her.

As soon as you got inside her apartment, you heard so many voices, that you never heard of. Her friends were here. Fuck. You were not ready to meet them, you subconsciously fix your beanie, and walk through the door. You are quickly met with Aitana, who meets you at the door, wanting to greet you. As soon as she saw the flowers, her smile widened. 

“Hi, Tani. I wanted to apologize for not being here in the afternoon, so I bought you these.” You explained. Handing her the flowers, while she admired them.

“I love them, thank you so much.” She stands on her tippy toes to give you a kiss, which you gladly prolonged.

After a couple of seconds, she whispered, “My friends are here, they wanted to come earlier to say hi before the party. I’m sorry I should have told you.”

You swallowed hard, and tried to keep on a smile, you weren’t ready to meet them.

“Aitana? Is Y/n here?” A voice interrupted you from replying to your girlfriend.

“We are coming!” She tells him, while she takes your hand. “They are going to love you, just as much as I do.” She reassures you casually saying the last part without even realizing it. But you did.

Before she could drag you to her living room, you drag her closer to you, placing your hands on each side of her face, lightly caressing her cheeks, and give her one final lazy kiss. “Now we are ready to go.” She gives you one last reassuring smile and showed you to her friends.

“Pepe, Juan and Maria, I want you to meet Y/n.”

“So this is the girl who has been making our Aitana talk non-stop about! For a moment I thought that you were fake!” A guy offers his hand to shake. “Hi, I’m Pepe. Nice to meet you.”

“Y/n.” You shake his hand smiling. “Nice to meet you too, Pepe. I assure you, I’m very much real.”

“Good to know! Aitana’s been going on and on about you. I was starting to think she’d invented the perfect partner in her head.” The other guy Juan interjects.

“Well, I am far from perfect, your friend is the crazy one for keeping up with me!” You chuckle, smiling gratefully to Aitana

“I think you are the crazy one to keep up with her! She can be a hassle sometimes.” Pepe, teases you girlfriends, earning a death glare from her.

“Tell me about it! She’s competitive down to her bones, she never lets me win at anything!” You follow Pepe, making Aitana turn to you. “Don’t look at me like that! You got mad because I was better than you at doing my own job.” You reason.

-

After a couple of minutes, the teasing subsided, making Aitana little more relaxed, she hated when people teased her, something that you always did, because you found her pout to be extremely cute.

You knew that probably Aitana told them not to say anything to you about you having cancer, and even though you loved that she wanted to protect you, it wasn’t something to hide or to not talk about.

As soon as Aitana left to go to the bathroom, you turn to her friends, “I know that Aitana told you not to talk to me about my cancer. But if you have any questions you can ask.” You could see that they were surprised. 

Pepe exchanged a glare with his friends, “Nah, don’t worry. We are good. I know it must be hard for the both of you. But yeah, whatever you need, we are here. My mom had cancer, so I know how it feels like.”

“Plus, I’ve always known that Aitana had somewhat of a Nightingale Syndrome!” Juan joked, making you chuckle surprised.

“Its the only possible reasoning for her to get in a relationship with me.”

“Or maybe it’s because you make me really happy and feel supported?” Aitana walk to from the bathroom and finds her place next to you wrapping an arm around you waist, waiting for you to peck her lips, which you happily oblige.

“I still think it’s the Nightingale syndrome.” You chuckle. “Let’s hope you won’t forget about me when I’ll be cancer free.” 

“You should tie her down, so she’s stuck with you.” Pepe jokes.

“I can’t get you pregnant, I’ll just have to find another way.” You think. 

“I hate this coalition against me. A I don’t have Nightingale syndrome. B, today is supposed to be my birthday, NOT tease Aitana day.”

“We are so sorry.” You give her a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll never tease you again.” You lie. “Now if you let me, I’ll steal away Tani for a moment.” You take her hand and drag her to her bedroom, where you had her birthday gift.

“So I know, you told not to buy you anything, but I wanted to give you a little present. And no it’s not a puppy.”

You give her a little box. “So I know that you can’t have bracelets on you, because of football, so I found a knot that you can easily take off and put on.” She opens the box, it was a red string bracelet, which was thought to bring protection and luck. “I know you don’t like ostentatious stuff, so I went with something simple.”

“I love it. Thank you so much.” She hugged you tightly, filling your necks with small pecks. “I can wear bracelets, I’ll just have to cover it when I have a match. Can you put it on for me?”

You gently put it on for her, while she happily admires it. 

“Is it okay? I didn’t know what to gift you.” You tell her. “You have some pretty difficult taste in stuff.” You chuckle.

“I love it, really. I’ll wear it on, so that I can have a reminder of you, whenever I’m away.” She beams.

“Always so cheesy.” You kiss her lips. “I like you really really much, you know that?” You tell her.

—

Her birthday party was set to be at her house because going out was too risky—you couldn’t afford to get sick. Despite your insistence that she do whatever she wanted, she said if it were up to her, she’d spend her birthday just with you. Everyone would be coming over at 8 PM, so you had a couple of hours to get ready.

Your whole body was aching: your joints, your head, your throat—everything. But you promised yourself that it was Aitana’s day, so you’d endure the pain for her happiness. You took some painkillers, but since you weren’t used to them, they made you drowsy.

You decided to wear something simple: jeans and one of Aitana’s shirts. You loved wearing her shirts because they smelled like her, and you loved her reaction when she saw you in them. Today was no exception.

“Comfy?” she asked, emerging from the bathroom into her room where you were changing. Even though you’d been together for over two months, you hadn’t taken the next step in your relationship. Since you started chemo, your sex drive had plummeted, and you’d stopped having periods.

Aitana never brought it up, knowing it should come from you. You appreciated that she never pressured you or made you uncomfortable, but sometimes your mind would twist things, making you think she didn’t touch you because she didn’t want to. This insecurity often resurfaced at the worst times, especially when meeting people from Aitana’s life and presenting yourself as a fragile cancer patient.

“Yes, very much, thank you,” you chuckle. She rounds the bed to get closer, wrapping you in a big hug from behind.

“It’s annoying that you look better in my clothes than I do. We should swap closets,” she says, giving you a sweet kiss on the cheek that makes you blush. “You look beautiful.” She turns you around and gives you a searing kiss, making your knees nearly give out. You open your eyes to see how she’s dressed.

“Even though I’m sure you could make a trash bag look hot, you look stunning tonight,”  you reply, smiling proudly. She wasn’t wearing something that elaborate, a simple dress, but it was more than enough for her to look even more beautiful than she already was. Sometimes you couldn’t believe you were lucky enough to have a girlfriend like her.

“I didn’t overdo it, right?” she asks, sounding insecure.

“Tani, it’s your birthday. Everyone else should adjust to how you dress,” you reassure her. “Ready to go to the living room?” You offer her your hand.

She takes it but swiftly throws you onto the bed, making you squeal in surprise. She giggles and plops on top of you. Thank God for those painkillers. “No, I want to stay here with you! You’re comfy, and you promised unlimited kisses and cuddles,” she whines.

You chuckle, gently scratching her scalp. She loved head scratches.

After a while, with Aitana rambling about the upcoming weeks, she suddenly stops and looks at you seriously. You tilt your head, curious and a bit worried.

“What?”

“Can I feel it?” she asks.

“Feel what?” you ask, raising an eyebrow.

“The lump on your neck,” she whispers. You pat her side to make her sit up.

“I don’t think it’s the right time. I don’t want to change your mood,” you argue weakly.

“You never let me kiss or touch that side of your neck,” she says, looking down at her hands.

“Because it feels worse than it looks, and I don’t want you to freak out.”

“I want to be able to touch all of you.” You raise an eyebrow suggestively. “Okay, that sounded bad. I apologize,” she chuckles. “But you know what I mean.”

You nod, gently taking her right arm. “Are you sure?” She nods. You guide her hand to your neck. Your eyes twitch as she touches the lump.

“It feels... different than I expected,” she murmurs, her fingertips lingering on the lump, exploring it with careful curiosity. You watch her, your heart heavy, knowing she’s grappling with the reality of it.

“Yeah, it’s not just in our heads,” you say softly, trying to keep your voice steady. Her eyes meet yours, showing a mix of fear and determination.

“It’s real,” she whispers, her voice catching. “I mean, I knew it was, but feeling it... it makes it so real.”

You nod, feeling a lump forming in your throat. “Yeah. It’s real.”

“But we’ll fight this, okay?” she says, a determined spark in her eyes giving you hope. “I’ll be by your side.”

You nod, feeling the lump in your throat tighten. “Mark my words, if we get through this, I’ll be the most supportive, fun, and grateful girlfriend you deserve. You make me so happy. I just want you to have some happiness, Tani,” you say, feeling deflated.

“I don’t need anything else,” she replies, her voice soft but firm. “Your happiness is my happiness. We’re in this together. You’re stuck with me, and we’ll come out stronger on the other side. Together.”

You squeeze her hand, drawing strength from her unwavering resolve. “Together,” you echo.

She smiles, a mix of determination and love. “Every step of the way. And when this is over, we’ll take those trips to Japan and Italy we planned, and then we’ll have our happy days, cari. But for now, we take it one day at a time.”

You nod, feeling a sense of peace settle over you. “One day at a time.” You pause. “You’d tell me if it’s too much, right?”

“It’s not too much, cari.” Sensing your distress, she reassures you. “But yes, I’ll tell you if something changes.”

You give her a final hug, trying to pour all your gratitude into it. “Now, why don’t we go downstairs before one of your friends starts thinking we’re hooking up,” you say, lightening the mood as you pull away.

You head downstairs, and as you pass her friends on your way to the living room, you catch their suggestive smirks, making you blush lightly while Aitana rolls her eyes at them. You help her get everything ready and wait for the rest of the guests to arrive.

You figured her teammates knew about your cancer because when they arrived, they weren't shocked to see you without hair and visibly more tired. Aitana vividly remembered how that conversation went down.

-

It was three days before her birthday, and Aitana was in the changing room, telling her team about the small get-together she was planning at her home.

“If you want to come, I’m having a small party at my house for my birthday,” she said, inviting everyone. She knew most of the younger girls, except for Pina, Jana, and Bruna, probably wouldn’t show up.

“At home? Don’t you usually do it at a restaurant? Did you have trouble booking a place?” someone asked as most of the uninterested teammates left, leaving Aitana with her captains, the Norwegians, Mapi, Patri, the youngsters, and Rölfo.

“I’d rather do it at home. It’s quieter and we don’t have to overpay for drinks,” she said, making up an excuse. In reality, she knew you couldn’t risk going out to crowded places because of your condition. She preferred to spend her birthday with you.

“I think this has something to do with Y/n. Is she making you stay at home? Is she really jealous or something?” Patri asked, sounding more accusatory than curious.

“Y/n? She’s not that jealous. Why do I get the feeling you don’t like her?” Aitana asked, her tone a mix of curiosity and concern, shifting uncomfortably on her bench.

“We know she must be great, but since you got together, you never hang out with us anymore. You don’t stay after training or join us for breakfast. We’re just worried about you getting too wrapped up in the relationship,” Alexia said, her voice full of concern and care.

“She’s not making me stay home. I basically force her to hang out with me. If she knew I was skipping hangouts, she’d force me to go out with you guys,” Aitana defended your intentions, trying to make them understand you weren’t restricting her.

“Then why don’t you hang out with us anymore?” Patri pressed. “Did we do something wrong?”

Aitana sighed, feeling the weight of her friends' concerns. She knew they meant well but didn’t understand the full picture. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not about you. It’s just... Y/n has been going through a lot.” Her friends’ confused expressions spurred her on. “Y/n has cancer. And before you say anything, I knew before we got together.”

The room fell silent. Mapi’s eyes widened with shock and empathy. “Aitana, we had no idea. I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell us?”

“At first, I thought it was Y/n’s right to tell who she wanted about her cancer, but then she said it was best if you knew, since you’d probably meet her properly someday.”

Patri nodded, her skepticism replaced with concern. “We’re sorry if we made you feel judged. We just miss you and want to be there for you. How can we help?”

Aitana chuckled. “Well, unless you can find a magical cure for cancer, there’s not much you can do. But if it’s not too much to ask, just being there for us would mean the world.”

-

As soon as they saw you hand in hand with Aitana, two girls approached you. One was insanely tall, and the other had tattoos all over her arms.

“Hi, you must be Y/N?” the tall one said.

“Yeah, that’s me. You must be Ingrid and Mapi, right?” you asked, shaking their hands.

You noticed Mapi’s tattoos and recognized some of the designs. “I love your tattoos. Do you go to Javi?”

“Yeah! How did you know?” she looked surprised.

“We went to school together. He’s one of my best friends. I helped him out with some designs.”

“Oh, that’s awesome! He mentioned a friend helped with some designs, but I never imagined it was you,” Mapi exclaimed, her eyes lighting up with excitement. “Javi is amazing. He did this sleeve for me,” she said, showing off the intricate designs on her arm. “It’s one of my favorites.”

You recognized some of your own designs. “I did the skull with the lightbulb and the squirrel!”

“Oh, that’s so cool!” Mapi said excitedly. “The skull with the lightbulb is one of my favorites. And the squirrel is such a fun piece!”

You smiled, feeling proud. “I’m really glad you like them. It’s always nice to see my work out in the world.”

Aitana turned to you with a surprised smile. “I didn’t know you could draw!”

You shrugged modestly, feeling bashful under Aitana’s gaze. “It’s just a hobby. Javi and I used to spend hours sketching together before getting busy with work.”

Ingrid looked impressed. “A hobby? You’ve got real talent. You should definitely do more with it. I know for sure that Mapi would love a few more tattoos.”

“Do you have any tattoos?” Mapi asked curiously.

You blushed lightly. “I have three.” Aitana's head snapped towards you, her eyes wide with surprise.

“What?!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never seen them.”

“Don’t act too surprised, Tani. They’re well hidden.” You turned to Mapi and Ingrid, who were waiting for you to continue. “I have one that’s a one-inch line from my favorite movie, *V for Vendetta*: The second one is a quote, and the third... well, it’s a bit more hidden. Let’s just say that.” You winked at Aitana.

You got your first two tattoos when you were 18. The first was significant to you, a permanent reminder of something important. The second was more cheeky, known only to those who’ve seen you naked and your friend Eva. It was a small outline of a heart on one of your ass cheeks. Your third tattoo was one of your favorite quotes from the painter Artemisia Gentileschi: “You will find the spirit of Caesar in this soul of a woman.”

Aitana looked like she wanted to say more, but as soon as you saw Ciro come inside, you quickly excused yourself to greet him.

“I’m going to say hi to Ciro.” You turned to Aitana, giving her a lingering kiss, not too long to draw attention. Then you turned to her teammates. “It was lovely to meet you guys. I hope we can talk more about some tattoo ideas.” You walked away, hugging your brother.

Mapi and Ingrid turned to Aitana, who was still looking at you, smiling to herself.

Ingrid chuckled at Aitana’s state, making her turn her attention to her teammates. “Sorry.” She bowed her head, her cheeks turning rosy. “You really love her, don’t you?”

Aitana’s blush deepened, and she couldn’t help but smile even wider. “Yeah, I really do,” she admitted warmly. “She’s amazing. I’m still finding out new things about her every day, and I love it. Plus, she’s so strong and fearless.” She glanced at you, laughing with your brother. “I can’t believe she’s my girl. She’s just incredible.”

“And so hot!” Mapi said without thinking, earning a death glare from her own girlfriend.

“She is! It’s so frustrating sometimes,” Aitana agreed, laughing.

-

Meanwhile, you were grabbing drinks with Ciro when the nausea hit again. Not wanting to make a scene, you excused yourself and headed to the bathroom to throw up. Ciro quickly noticed something was wrong and followed you.

He knocked on the door. "It's Ciro, can you let me in?"

You sighed and unlocked the door. Another wave of nausea hit, and you doubled over the toilet, trying to keep quiet. Ciro crouched next to you, rubbing your back soothingly. Once the wave passed, you leaned back against the wall, exhausted.

"Y/N, this is serious," Ciro said quietly, concern on his face. "You need to tell Aitana."

You shook your head weakly. "Not tonight, Ciro. It's her birthday party. I don't want to ruin it."

"How long has this been going on?" he asked, continuing to rub your back.

"Since this morning. I took a painkiller because all my joints are killing me. Why did it have to be today?" You looked up at the ceiling, exasperated.

Ciro sighed deeply. "Y/N, you can't keep pushing yourself like this. You need to take care of yourself, even if it means taking a step back tonight."

You nodded, feeling the weight of his words. "I know, Ciro. But I just want Aitana to have a perfect night. She's been looking forward to this for so long."

Ciro gave you a sympathetic look. "I get it. But she loves you and would want you to be okay more than anything else. Let's get you through tonight, and then you need to rest. Promise me."

"Okay," you agreed reluctantly. "I promise."

Ciro helped you to your feet, and you steadied yourself before brushing your teeth. You tried to put on a brave face, but the exhaustion and nausea were hard to hide.

As you reentered the party, Aitana immediately noticed something was off. She walked over, concern on her face. "Hey, are you sure you're okay? You don't look well."

You gave her a reassuring smile, even though you felt far from it. "I'm okay, just a bit tired. Don't worry about me, let's enjoy your party."

You went to the kitchen for some water and then stepped outside for fresh air. Ciro followed, keeping an eye on you.

Outside, you lit a cigarette, something you hadn't done in years, and slowly inhaled, feeling a calming effect. You knew it was wrong, but you needed some relief.

“You must be the art restorer?” one of Aitana’s teammates asked.

You turned to her. “That’s me.”

“I’m Alexia.”

"Tani’s team captain. I’ve heard about you… Please don’t tell her I smoke. It’s my first in years."

“Do you have another one?” she asked, surprising you with the request.

You hesitated before handing her the pack. Alexia took one and lit it, taking a slow drag before exhaling. The two of you stood in silence for a moment, the cool night air providing some relief.

"Thanks," Alexia said softly. "I won't tell Aitana. We all have our vices."

You nodded, taking another drag. "Yeah, we do."

Alexia studied you for a moment. "So, how long have you been an art restorer?"

You smiled, grateful for the distraction. "About six years now. It's my passion, bringing old pieces back to life."

She nodded appreciatively. "That's really cool. Aitana talks about you all the time. It's obvious how much she cares about you."

Your heart ached at her words. "I care about her too. More than anything."

Alexia smiled, taking another drag. "It's great to see. She's special, and she deserves someone who loves her as much as you do."

You nodded, feeling the weight of your secret pressing on you. The night air, mixed with the cigarette smoke, made you slightly dizzy, but you steadied yourself. "Thanks, Alexia. That means a lot coming from you."

The two of you stood in comfortable silence for a while, just taking in the night and the muffled sounds of the party inside.

"So, what brought you out here, really?" Alexia asked, breaking the silence. "You don't seem like the type to sneak out for a smoke."

You hesitated, the truth bubbling up inside you. "I hate meeting new people. I have to charge my social battery." You chuckled.

“Tell me about it. I have to endure hours of media every week.”

You both finished your cigarettes. Alexia handed you a mint chewing gum, and the two of you headed back inside.

Everyone was mingling in small groups. You were about to speak when you felt a body collide with yours in a hug.

“Damn, Tani, you still have energy at 11 PM!” You chuckled, pulling her into a tight hug.

She shrugged. “I was searching for you everywhere. I missed you!”

“I was with Alexia, getting some fresh air, Tani,” you reassured her. You could see in her eyes that she wanted some attention, so you quickly said your goodbyes to Alexia and focused on the birthday girl.

She took your hand and led you to the living room, where some friends were chatting. She sat down on the couch and pulled you onto her lap, circling her arms around your waist.

"You know, I think I missed you more," you teased, leaning in to kiss her softly.

Aitana laughed, her eyes twinkling. "That's impossible. But I'll let you think that."

The warmth of her embrace and the lively chatter around you made it easier to forget about everything else for a moment. You nestled into her, feeling the steady rhythm of her heartbeat against your back.

The room was filled with laughter and light, and for a while, you allowed yourself to relax and enjoy the festivities.

“So, tell me more about this art restoration,” Fridolina, one of Aitana’s friends, piped up. “I’ve always been fascinated by that kind of work.”

You smiled, grateful for the distraction. “It’s incredibly rewarding. There’s something magical about bringing old, forgotten pieces back to life.”

“That sounds amazing,” Ingrid chimed in, her eyes wide with interest. “Do you have a favorite piece you’ve worked on?”

You thought for a moment. “There was this old Renaissance painting that came into the studio a few years ago. It was in terrible shape, covered in grime and with a lot of damage. It was from Artemisia Gentileschi, a very particular painter. She was one of the few female artists of her time, and her works are incredibly powerful and brutal. Restoring her painting felt like reviving a piece of her story.”

Aitana’s friends listened intently, clearly captivated by your passion. Aitana squeezed your hand, her pride in you evident.

"Which painting was it?" Fridolina asked, leaning forward with interest.

"It was 'Judith Slaying Holofernes.' The details, the intensity in Judith’s expression, and the dramatic use of light and shadow—it’s breathtaking. Bringing that piece back to its original glory was one of the most fulfilling experiences of my career."

"Wow," Ingrid said, visibly impressed. "It must be amazing to see the transformation up close."

"It is," you agreed. "There’s something almost intimate about it, like connecting with the artist across centuries."

The conversation flowed easily, with Aitana’s friends asking more questions about your work and sharing their own interests. The night wore on, filled with laughter and joy.

As the party began to wind down and the majority of the guests left, you found a quiet moment with Aitana on the balcony. The city lights illuminated the ambient below, and a gentle breeze rustled the leaves around you.

“Thank you for tonight. I know you were feeling sick and kept going for me. Next time, please don’t do it.”

You gave her a reassuring smile, taking her hands in yours. “I wanted to be here for you, Tani. You mean the world to me. But I promise, I’ll take better care of myself. I won’t push it next time.”

She sighed, leaning her head on your shoulder. “I just worry about you. I want you to be okay.”

“I know, and I appreciate it,” you said, kissing the top of her head. “I’ll be more careful. I don’t want to worry you.”

Aitana looked up at you, her eyes filled with love and concern. “I just don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t,” you whispered, pulling her into a tight embrace. “We’ll get through this together, I promise.”

The two of you stood there for a while, wrapped in each other’s arms, finding solace in the quiet night and the love you shared. Despite the challenges ahead, you felt a renewed sense of strength and determination, knowing that you had Aitana by your side.

After a few moments, Aitana pulled back slightly and looked into your eyes. “Let’s go inside and get some rest. You need it.”

You nodded, feeling the weight of exhaustion settling in. “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

As you walked back into the apartment, you couldn’t help but feel grateful for Aitana and the love you shared. It gave you the strength to face whatever lay ahead, knowing that together, you could overcome anything.

You both went to the bedroom and got ready to sleep. You wore one of Aitana’s joggers and a shirt you brought for the sleepover. Aitana came out from the bathroom after getting into her sleepwear and sat on the bed, taking off her earrings.

After a couple of minutes, she turned to you, seeing you already sitting on the bed, setting your alarm clock. She rolled over to you with a waiting gaze, clearly wanting to ask you something.

“What?”

“You could have told me that you had three tattoos.” She pouted slightly.

“Well, you never asked.” You smirked playfully.

“Now I’m asking. Can I see them?”

You hesitated. Your first tattoo, the line, was right under your breast, the second one was on your side, and the third... you definitely wanted to wait for her to see it.

You were nervous about showing her your body, as she had never seen you without a shirt on. The changes from cancer and seeing Aitana’s teammates tonight had made you feel inadequate. 

Aitana noticed your hesitation, her expression softening. “Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to show me if you’re not comfortable,” she said gently, reaching out to take your hand.

You took a deep breath, deciding to take a step forward in vulnerability. “It’s not that I don’t want to show you… it’s just, you’ve never seen me without a shirt, so I guess I’m a little bit scared?” You tried to be honest with her.

Aitana’s eyes widened in surprise and concern. “Why would you be scared? I think you are beautiful, both in and out.”

You looked down, feeling a lump in your throat. “My body… it’s changed a lot because of the cancer. I don’t look the same as I used to, and seeing your teammates tonight just made me feel… inadequate.”

Aitana’s grip on your hand tightened, and she pulled you into a hug. “Y/N, you’re beautiful to me. You’ve been through so much, and I admire your strength. I don’t care about how your body looks; I care about you, the person I fell in love with.”

Her words were like a balm to your anxious mind. You took another deep breath and decided to trust her completely. “Okay. I’ll show you.”

You raised your shirt, stopping just before your breast, showing her the first tattoo. She lightly traced the ink with adoration.

“The second one is on the side, it’s a quote.” You revealed it. “Troverete lo spirito di Cesare in questa anima di donna.” You repeated the quote. “Which means: You will find the spirit of Caesar in this soul of a woman.” She lightly caressed your side where the quote showed.

“They are all beautiful. Damn, I didn’t think you’d be someone who had tattoos.”

“I guess you don’t know everything about me then.”

“What about your third?”

“Well, that one I got on a whim. Not many people have seen it.” You smirked suggestively.

“Well, now I’m curious.” She was intrigued.

“I won’t show it to you now if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Okay, okay, I respect that. I am a very patient woman; I’ll wait. Can you just tell me where it is?” She pleaded curiously.

“I’ll tell you this, the only people who have seen it are Eva, because I was with her when I got it, and the people who have seen me naked.”

Aitana's eyes widened with curiosity and a hint of playfulness. "Well, now you have me even more intrigued," she said, chuckling. "But I can wait. It’ll make it all the more special when I do see it."

You smiled, feeling a warmth spread through you at her words. Her understanding and patience were just a few of the many reasons you loved her so much. "I promise you’ll see it when the time is right," you said softly.

Aitana leaned in and kissed you gently. "I look forward to it. Thank you for sharing this with me tonight. It means a lot.”

As you both settled into bed, you positioned yourself on top of her to give her one final kiss. “Good night, Tani. I hope you had fun tonight.” You rolled over to your side, getting into a comfy position to sleep, while your girlfriend was already half asleep.

She replied lazily and almost unconsciously. “I had fun, good night Cari. I love you.” You widened your eyes as a smile crept on your cheeks.

-

Three months into your relationship, you couldn’t be happier. Your cancer was receding, and you were nearly finished with your fifth cycle of chemo before discussing the next steps with your doctor.

Three days before Aitana was set to leave for Bilbao for the Copa de la Reina semi-final, you visited the doctor’s office. Ciro took a day off work to accompany you. Your oncologist, who was serious but supportive, greeted you.

“So, Y/N, I have good news and bad news.” Your heart skipped a beat. “Good news: your cancer is receding. The treatment is going great, and I think we should operate, perform a thyroidectomy as soon as possible. Thursday would be ideal.”

You sighed in relief, almost at the end of this ordeal.

“The bad news is the position of the cancer. We might be able to remove it completely, but there are risks. Your cancer is very close to your vocal cords. You might lose your voice.”

You had never considered that possibility. “What’s the probability it might go wrong?” you asked fearfully.

“30%. I know it’s a significant risk, but it’s the best solution. We can fully remove it. No more chemo, no more suffering.” Seeing your hesitation, he added, “I won’t ask you to decide right now. Take some hours to think about it. But the sooner we act, the better.”

Your doctor left the room to give you some privacy.

You turned to Ciro. “I don’t think there’s any real choice, is there?”

“No, there isn’t, but that doesn’t make it any easier.”

After informing your doctor that you agreed to the operation, you headed home, while Ciro had to return to work for training. 

Thirty minutes later, you heard a knock on your door. Knowing it was probably Aitana, you opened it to find her holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers that hid her face. She peeked out, her eyes sparkling with excitement. “Surprise!” she said, handing you the flowers.

You hugged her. “You really know how to make a girl swoon, Tani.”

“Only for you.” You took the flowers and kissed her in gratitude.

You led her inside and prepared a snack for both of you. She sat on the couch, waiting. As you sat down next to her, she leaned in for another kiss. “What was that for?” you asked.

“Can’t I kiss my beautiful girlfriend?”

“Anytime you like.”

“How was the doctor’s appointment?” she asked as you cuddled up.

You sat up. “The treatment is working, and they want to operate. My cancer is receding, and it might go away completely with the operation.” Your tone wasn’t as optimistic as your words.

She sensed there was more. “That’s great! But why do you look so worried? Is there a but?”

“Two. First, the surgery is on Thursday during the Copa de la Reina semi-final. And before you say anything, no, I won’t let you skip it. You’ve already missed two matches because of me, without even telling me.”

“And the other?” she asked, defeated.

“I might lose my voice.”

Aitana’s eyes widened with concern. “But if it’s your best shot at beating cancer, wouldn’t you take it?”

“I’ve already agreed, Aitana. But that’s not the point. Promise me something?”

“Anything,” she said seriously.

"You'll leave me if I lose my voice, okay?"

She blinked, taken aback. "What?"

"I don’t want you to be with someone you have to constantly take care of. You deserve so much better."

"No, no, no," she said, shaking her head and taking your hands. "You can’t ask me that. I won’t leave you. You’re stuck with me, okay?"

You chuckled, feeling a lump in your throat. "I’m doing this for you. This is an out. Why can’t you take it?"

"Because I don’t want to!" she said, almost angrily. "Don’t push me away, please."

"I’m not pushing you away. I’m doing this for you. You deserve better. You deserve someone who can give you everything. And right now, I can’t. For god’s sake, we’ve been together for five months, and I can’t even take my shirt off in front of you!" you reasoned, your frustration mounting.

She looked shocked, almost taken aback. "Is... Is this about sex?"

You hid your face in your palms. "No... I mean... I don’t know," you stuttered.

"No. No, Cari, sex has never been an issue for me. You’re going through cancer; it’s normal that you don’t want to have sex."

"I know, but what about your needs?"

"My needs? I’ve waited eighteen years of my life without sex. I can deal with waiting for a while," she reassured you. "Plus, the wait will make it even better!"

"You know, I’d get it if you wanted to find someone else to be physical with. I wouldn’t blame you."

"And kiss someone else? Touch someone else? Make someone else feel good? Never," she reassured you. "You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. You make me so happy. Why would I jeopardize that for some fleeting pleasure?"

"You always say that I’m beautiful. But... Do you find me hot?" you almost whispered the last part.

Aitana's expression softened, and she cupped your face gently, her thumb tracing your cheek. 

"Y/N, you are the most gorgeous person I know. You’re beautiful, inside and out. And yes, I find you incredibly hot."

You still looked unconvinced, so she quickly made you sit on her lap and unzipped her hoodie, remaining in her shirt. She took your hand and guided it inside her shirt next to her heart. It was beating fast.

"Do you feel it? This is what you do to me. Whenever you sit on my lap or nibble that part of my ear that you know is so sensitive, you make my heart race out of proportion. And so fucking wet that it hurts sometimes." You chuckled, feeling her heart pounding. "Don’t ever doubt my attraction or my loyalty towards you," she told you firmly, making you believe her. You nodded. "And don’t you dare think for even a minute that I’ll leave you if you lose your voice. We’re in this together, and we’ll find a solution together," she said resolutely.

-

-

On Wednesday, the day before the game, Aitana brought you to the hospital and helped you check in. 

You sat on the hospital bed, waiting for your doctor. "I’ll be here as soon as the game finishes, okay? Tell Ciro to send me updates, or else I’ll kill him." She kissed your temple and was about to leave when you took her hand to stop her.

"I want to tell you something. Maybe tomorrow I won’t be able to. I know I’ve never said it; I’ve always waited."

"You’ll tell me when I get back."

"No, please, Tani, let me say it. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t tell you right now." She nodded. "I love you, Aitana Bonmatí. Today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and all the days after that."

"I love you too, Cari." She rubbed her nose against yours and kissed you on the lips. 

"Go and beat Athletic’s club ass, okay?”

--

Needless to say, until she saw you again, Aitana couldn’t keep her mind off you. Her teammates noticed she wasn't focused on the game, and Mapi pulled her aside during the warm-up.

"Hey, Aitana, are you okay?" Fridolina asked, concern evident in her voice.

Aitana sighed, running a hand through her hair. "No, not really. Y/N is having surgery right now, and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm worried."

Frido placed a comforting hand on Aitana's shoulder. "I get it, but you have to try and focus on the game for now. She'd want you to give it your all out there. Besides, we're all here for you. If you need anything, just let us know."

Aitana nodded, taking a deep breath. "Thanks, Frido. I'll try my best."

As the game progressed, Aitana pushed herself to concentrate, channeling her anxiety into her performance. Every time she made a play, she thought of you, imagining how proud you'd be. Despite the distraction, she played one of her best games, driven by the desire to make you proud.

When the final whistle blew, Barcelona had secured a resounding victory. Aitana immediately checked her phone, finding a message from Ciro: “Surgery is done. We don’t know anything right now.”

Fear washed over her, and her hands started to tremble as her mind filled with what-ifs. She looked down at the bracelet you had gifted her, seeking comfort. She couldn’t lose you. Most importantly, she needed to get back to you.

She got on the first plane and left for Barcelona.

[yandere-fics]

honestly I would love to see dreamy yan girl nextdoor (totally not because I love next door neighbor type of stuff lol def not that…)

omg it just hit me, i've been trying to figure out what au to fit the Anderson sisters into but dreamy coastal town with slightly ominous girl next door Sophie and Skylar plus the other sisters who reside in the town, I know I'm just giving myself more work but I also really really want to find a way to fit Skylar in because she's been rotting away in my brain like a tapeworm.

Okay so let me know y'all's thoughts on this but thiw wouldn't be an au I would write as often as The City or The Kingdom but it would be there. Btw I wouldn't write any stories of the girls fighting over you since I just can't imagine they would all fall for the same person, they know to back off their sibling's territory.

So I see Skylar being the girl next door who no one seems to notice is pretty sinister. It's easy to not notice she's a bit of a freak. She's the sweet eldest sister, and the local librarian. She's the first to greet you when you move into the small coastal town and is always coming over to help you with things on your days off. She's very shy and won't make the first move, you think her crush is cute at first but after awhile it becomes a bit.. frightening. Constantly clutching onto you and telling you that she doesn't know what you'd do if you ever left her side. You think she's just a bit insecure, not noticing how so many people around you get frightened away really quickly. She's the sweet girl next door to a fault so you would never suspect her of anything.

Sophie is the younger sister who was forced to come greet you when you first moved in and now you keep seeing her everywhere. Skylar is constantly inviting you over but eventually you stop accepting the invites because when you come over, Sophie is just staring at you hard, it's starting to wig you out. That doesn't stop it though, things are always breaking in the beautiful villa you rented and well, Sophie is the only one who can come over at midnight to fix these things for you. Little do you know that every time she comes over, another camera is discreetly placed and another item is sabotaged just so she can return. She's very delusional, if she keeps watching you and repairing things for you then eventually you will come to her of your own accord, and if not? Well you'll just have to see.

Darla is the girl who you meet at a cute little coffee shop near your house who will talk your ear off for an hour about her college degree, she's an english major, just like her older sister was. You learn she doesn't talk to her sister's much since she was an illegitimate child but she sees them in town occasionally. She's quick to invite herself to things, even quicker to start telling everyone that the two of you are dating. She's especially fast to take you to a college party with her and seduce you, then demand you start a relationship with her because you stole her first. It's only fair right? Don't make her have to call her older sister's to help.

Elouise was never fond of her sister's or the way they did anything. They always had what she wanted, Skylar got to escape the house before anyone else, Sophie always found a way to steal the adult things and would hoard them all to herself, Darla was the rosy eyed one who got her college paid for(with the condition that she pretend she's not related to her parents and to never contact them again), so when she finds out her pretty little obsession lives next door to two of her sister's, she's determined to keep you to herself. They're just happy Elouise just has someone.

Anyways let me know your thoughts, I personally love this so much and I kinda want to make this one of the things, I know it's not as magical as the other two but I think it's pretty cute.

[my-jokes-are-my-armour]

You know, I always try to understand human reaction to something that I don't experience the same way. Because trying to put myself in other people shoes is something important to me, even if it is disturbing. It doesn't mean I will be OK with their version, but sometimes it helps me to find gray ground when I can be too passionate myself.

The whole "Jaskier hair do style thing" is right in my "I don't get it" spot, because it involves attraction.

I already told this but, it took me a very long time to understand that I didn't feel attraction the same way than most people around me, as I was growing up. Especially that I never have any sexual impulse when I found somebody attractive. I was putting the word because I thought that was similar for the other, hearing how they fancy some people. Also, while I recognise beauty, I am not feeling a thing for it.

I remember in my teenage years, having the weirdest "crush" in regard of my friends. For them, my crushes were ugly and I was strange. So I was saying : "they have charisma. I am attracted to that". Which was not completely false.

It's in my early thirties, when I manage to understand that I was ace, that I began to connect the dots and put words on the way I feel attraction. What charismatic traits I was attracted to in someone. And it changes with every person.

Very often though, I was attracted by someone's voice or way of speaking.

This is definitely the case for Joey for example. He is handsome in many aspect but, his overall softness (eyes, voice, demeanor) and the way he speaks (use words even) attract me a lot. For those who like my "cute joey overload" series, you will notice that the vast majority has him actually speaking. Because well, this is how it works for me 🤷🏽‍♀️.

For instance, in my teenage years, my actor "crush" was Alan Rickman when all my friend were falling for young DiCaprio. And I had never ceased to find him attractive when he aged, got fatter, and had less hair. For me Alan Rickman was magnetic. There was a softness in his eyes and when he spoke, I was glued to the screen.

The thing that startles me with the Jaskier's hair thing is that when I read very angry posts, comments or whatever about it, is not "they made him ugly" that I see but "they could hide imperfections better so I can still find him attractive the way I used to" (or for a part simply "here another reason to hate the show").

Also this is not a bad wig we are talking about this time, but his real hair. Don't forget that.

Sure they could have done something else. I see this is not the prettiest look. But I really don't see ugly there and I find him attractive the same way. I am not blind to beauty canon, really. And I genuinely can't find him ugly now.

The problem I have with the general rant about the way they made his hair is that it shows how uncanny normal imperfections have become to a lot of people. Especially in the online sphere.

There is a thin frontier between saying a preference about physical trait and actually make a person insecure about it. So be careful. Social media has a tendency to amply things as we find people with the same tastes.

Joey isn't reading any of this so I don't worry about him. And I won't make assumption about the way he sees himself. Maybe he doesn't like Jaskier's haircut. Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn't care. The only way the "they did him dirty" kind of comments would make sense to me would be if Joey himself says that he didn't like the way he looked here.

All I want to point out is that massive complainings about a physical thing can have repercussions.

It reminds me a youtuber I like, that has what I call "non typical canon beauty". He is not the one who has to most body shaming overall but it's there.

He is a bit short, with slight proportion issues, he is hairy, pear shaped and not muscular. I bet that the mental image you have with this description is not pretty at all. This is just a list of things that are commonly seen as not attractive and that he can be described with. But the guy is normal.

Early on, he seemed not to worry about the hairy part for example. One day, in one video, he pulled his shirt up a little bit to open a bottle with it. And people saw for the first time how hairy he really was. People thought they were joking, calling him Chewbacca for instance, or thought that stating that he should learn to use a razor was relevant. They found many ways to describe his hairyness, having fun about that.

Some time later he made a vlog where he drives a sort of submarine bike. The guy had shaved completely to appear topless... But people noticed the other imperfections. They joked about his lack of muscle. The next video he had to swim in a vlog, he went all covered, and people were like "why has he his shirt on ?" Really ? You really wondered why...

Now he almost never have clothes that let appear imperfections and hide if he has to remove layers. He is not shy to say that he has a poor appreciation of his body for a long time, but I guess the constant comments on the way he looked when showing "imperfections" didn't help with that.

And you know this one had to deal with unpleasant comments to say the least, even in the weirdest context. Like, he has a condition that gave him terrible sight. He had the cataract operation before his thirties to prevent him becoming blind later. In the first months after the operation he very happy to not have to wear contact lens or glasses. But then, his sight deteriorated again. Now, he often not wears glasses in his videos but he can't get without it quite often too, so sometimes he puts them on. When he first began to appear with glasses again, people joked about the fact that the operation failed. Like wtf !

Now people are used to it so it stopped but I was shocked it happened at all.

He had many remarks on his short stature or body shape over the years. It tend to have almost stopped now, fortunately. But sometimes it happens again when some imperfections are more apparent.

So now I want to understand. Can you tell me at which point someone is "uglified ?"

Here is the youtuber I am talking about.

The first picture, he was all groomed for someone else video. Second one, it's Instagram pose for a joke. The clothes are not pretty, but the angle is chosen to make him appear taller than he is, and hide some "imperfections". The last one is his more natural appearance, during one of his videos and we can see "imperfections".

If the first and the third had been reversed. Like, the first one would have been the way he chooses to appear for his content and the third the way someone else chooses for him. Would you say they uglified him then ?

He is as attractive in each picture to me, because what attracts me is something else I guess.

So it is the same for the new Jaskier look for me. I see what you don't like. I see some not flattering choices by the stylists team I guess. Could have it been something else ? More appealing ? Yeah maybe. This is my step toward you. But this is as far as I can get.

I don't see someone that turned ugly because of that. And most of all I don't feel angry about it.

I find Joey equally attractive now than he's always been.

Maybe you just don't like when imperfections are more apparent or certain hair cuts etc. Tastes and colors are your own. But ugly ? Really ?

1 : The new look. - 2 : The red carpet look for S2. - 3 : TAD photoshoot. - 4 : Live performing.

Is he less hot, in the first one, seeing those shots side by side ?

For me he has charisma over the charts in any occurrences (shown here or anywhere), he is simply better groomed or have a better angle or whatever in some of them. This is the same human being in the end 🥰.

[instantpansies]

In 1964, arguably the height of their career, the Beatles performed "Pyramus and Thisbe", the play-within-a-play from A Midsummer Night's Dream, for a television appearance. Having been obsessed with the Beatles for my entire life, I was ecstatic when at age 12 the recording appeared in my YouTube recommendations.

Around the same time, I was becoming obsessed with Shakespeare as well. Starting with Much Ado about Nothing, I had read most of the comedies and a good number of tragedies by the time I stumbled across "The Beatles Perform Shakespeare, in colour". Naturally, it immediately became my dream to perform in that play. I wasn't an actor yet, and while I was an okay public speaker I hadn't yet gone through the debate classes and persuasive essay presentations that would force me to get comfortable in front of a crowd. I watched the blurry footage of John and Paul mumbling through archaic lines in yarn wigs, and set my sights on memorizing the monologues.

In A Midsummer Night's Dream, Pyramus and Thisbe is a play put on by the group of fools, who spend most of the story rehearsing before performing it in the final scenes of Midsummer's. It's poorly written, intentionally so, with the actors flubbing lines, speaking out of turn, and generally doing a bad job of presenting the story. Shakespeare means it to be a moment of comedy to wrap up the romantic drama of the rest of the story. Pyramus and Thisbe is also the myth that inspired Romeo and Juliet, with the plot following very similar beats.

I started acting in high school and it quickly became part of my identity. This isn't a unique experience by any means, but the freedom of being someone else was pretty meaningful for a queer kid who'd grown up in the only liberal family in our conservative christian homeschool co-op. I'd only acted for two years when the de facto leader of our troupe, my best friend, graduated, leaving me to fill the gap. Suddenly I'd become one of the most experienced actors in a group of freshman homeschoolers, most of whom had never stepped onstage.

Our director also ran a co-op of sorts of her own - not the one where I'd spent most of my primary educational career, but a sort of conglomerate of teachers and classes - and she wanted us to present a short play for the elementary classes' fall celebration. She asked for recommendations and I saw my chance, practically shining in the air before me.

Obviously I shouted out "Pyramus and Thisbe!" I gave my elevator pitch. Killed it. We got scripts the next week. Me and that little group of freshmen pulled ourselves together in about a month, and managed to present the archaic language comedically. If I do say so myself. We practiced just once a week, and my actors weren't quite sure what to do with their rather eccentric characters, and our lines weren't fully memorized until the week before, but we made it. We made it, and it was great.

I played Pyramus. I got to die dramatically in front of fifty kids I'd been working with for over a year, flounce around onstage with a plastic sword, and immerse myself in a scene I'd loved for years. It was, honestly, a high point of my high school career. I still have those lines memorized, I still go back to the photos and videos from that fall evening. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I don't really know what the point of this story is. I think it's funny, I guess, how Pyramus and Thisbe keeps popping up in my life. It connects to acting and classic literature and the Beatles and the summers of staying with my grandparents, holed up in their extra room, writing research papers and surfing the Internet. I don't know what it is about Pyramus and Thisbe, but it's important for one reason or another. I hope it shows up in my life again someday, but in the meantime, I'm done. And being done, thus Wall away doth go.

[velvetvexations]

If we're still doing fun and semi-obscure hobbies/hyperfixations/special interests here are a few things I've been into lately:

Sound engineering and mixing - I've just started needing to do it for myself for a larger project I'm working on and I knew it'd be interesting, but it's more fun than I thought it'd be even if it is almost as tedious as I feared. I just learned the vowel trick for figuring out where to start with EQ adjustments and it feels like I just unlocked the secrets of the universe. I'm still super new into it and don't know a lot but...I honestly kind of hope I DON'T get too into it, because it might end up distracting me from a lot of the rest of the project and most of my role in said project is live performance lmao - but getting my vocals to sit ALMOST right in a recorded song without anyone else's direct help for the first time was so exciting it felt like a whole new world opened up.

Dollmaking! I make my own BJDs - bodies, clothes, eyes, all from nothing; the only thing I regularly buy mostly made is wigs and even those I usually do a lot of alteration on, or sometimes even just make out of wefts or braiding hair if the length/texture/part position/cap size combination I need is too hard to find. For the face and body sculpting, I do that digitally and 3D print them in resin. My bin of spare parts and the half-finished ones I always have at least one of lying around also make my house really fun to visit at night if you like horror lmao--

Speaking of, just 3D printing in general is something I have a strong interest in. I'm hoping to get the money together to move to a larger space in the coming years so I have the room to expand my fleet of 3D printers.

The funny thing is, none of them seem particularly problematic on their face...but just like anything like that, you would be AMAZED at how much drama goes on about them. It honestly helps me keep tumblr fandom drama in perspective when I see people pulling "you wouldn't download a car" logic to call someone a monster about doll body construction being SLIGHTLY too similar to some brand or another's (like, there are only so many ways you can do double ball joints!) or say you're a bad person degrading the hobby for thinking anything you could 3D print at home is remotely high quality enough to Count(TM) (like even if that were true maybe stop using the cheapest standard resin you can find then? Skill issue), or getting weirdly xenophobic about 3D printer brands, or acting like EQing someone's voice to make them sound more like they want to sound like with regards to gender is some kind of great evil and literally the same as companies trying to make us think there's something wrong with us if we don't look like airbrushed supermodels. At least I haven't personally been in the immediate blast radius of one of the SURPRISINGLY MANY supply seller death faking scandals that happen from time to time in the specialty fiber and textiles sector...

The Lithuanian 3D printer monopoly is destroying this country.

[hannibalcatharsis-zero]

I normally don't write these anymore or quite like this but I'm tired

I don't know if it's the meds or just me, possibly both. Yesterday I was told these meds seem to put me on a lower mood, which was definitely the point since the last ones I was basically in manic constant and felt super nice but couldn't focus and so I was actually overmedicated and it wasn't a healthy "good", just the equivalent of being on a manic episode if I was bipolar, which so far Im not. So the meds were changed to balance the hype, and at first I wanted to double the dose because I was getting worse and the good wasn't good anymore, but I couldn't do that.

Now apparently they've caught their effects up but what was meant yesterday was that I'm more depressed again so yeah

Is this all chemically induced or just me? Am I just gonna get my period or something?

I don't write for 10 months. I was cool with that for the longest time, but now I feel Im missing out. I read old stuff of mine and i felt like coming back. I tried translating today and I feel null.

I've been sewing these past months. All cool at first, but now I'm understandably tired. I wanted to make plushies but they feel like they'll be more of the same. But I was really looking forward to that.

I wanted for weeks to do a wig base and when I did it and it went well, I realized I couldn't go in a Uber or bus with that on due to shame and though I easily saw I just habe to dress at a con, I felt super overwhelmed with something that should have made me feel happy

I can't focus on anything, I am overwhelmed with things to do but nothing feels good enough

I started another wig and I'm kinda wanting to glue it but let's see

A family member died and I felt something, yeah, just not for the deceased.

Today is an important date and I just don't feel what I want to

I just want to lie down

I feel if I only organized myself everything would be much better and I wouldn't have what to complain about

I'm getting paranoid again and it's getting worse I hear what people will say in my head that they hate me its getting worse

Is this all chemically induced or just me. There's more going on and it's probably the hubris of the issue but let's must keep this as little personal as possible on the internet

Oh forgot to add a good song Bury the light mashup

[edmund-k-edmonds]

BACK IN THE CLOSET, ANTHONY - A thought on DID and gender identity.

Two years ago, I started to explore my identity. It didn't feel like it at the time, honestly, I was just playing Dress up. I called it Drag, but really, it was more than that. I just wasn't aware of it yet. I put on a wig I found online, masculine clothes, and instantly, I heard a whisper in my mind:

Anthony.

That was my first encounter with an aesthetic, a personality. Anthony. That was my drag name at the time. I was just having so much fun being Anthony. He was a way for me to be bigger, bolder. He was a grumpy brat with a love for shirt with patterns. He helped me grow confidence and, soon enough, made me realize I was happier when I was serving masc. Now almost one year ago, I came out transgender to my loved ones, and I am now in the process of having my name legally changed and I am about to get HRT too -yaaaay! I could never thank Anthony enough I thought, so I decided to have Anthony as my middle name.

Now, what I'm not saying about Anthony is that is not just a little drag persona I pretend to be. He has memories, preferences, traumas, a story I did not make up. Sometimes, I really AM Anthony. And others.

That's right. A few months now, during this very confusing transition process, I also found out I am in the DID spectrum. I was already diagnosed bipolar, I guess it came with a little extra.

Anthony was an Alter all along, alongside Gwenn, Nuage, Chris, Thomas, Toy and Leona, the only girl of the pack.

Since I started living with the knowledge They exist in this corner of my head, my life has been a rollercoaster. They laugh, they cry, they fall in love, they interact with my girlfriend, some of my friends, and sometimes, yes, sometimes, they make me feel gender euphoria...and gender dysphoria.

What Anthony started was my aknowledgement that I was in the transgender spectrum. What the others made me realize is that gender and sexuality is so fluid, especially when you're struggling with your mental health and probably when you're experiencing DID-I'm only refering to myself here, I would love to hear about similar experiences though !

Last night, I couldn't find sleep.

I was reflecting on those euphoric and dysphoric moments.

Gwenn is a straight, cis man. Nuage too.

Leona is a cis girl whose sexuality is unknown.

Chris and Thomas are cis gay men.

Toy considers himself agender and uses neopronouns. He is pansexual, too, like me.

I have similarities with my Alters but also so sooo many differences.

So as I couldn't sleep, I was reflecting on my gender identity and discovered the word "pangender", which means feeling all of the gender at once. For me, it was... a revelation. It made so much sense.

Since all of these different Alters inhabit me, I am all those genders at the same time. But I don't forget myself in those different identities. It's a little confusing sometimes because I tend to not want to be myself more often than I would like to admit , feeling more confident in their "skins", but I realized last night that those identities built me the way I am. I am the body, and I feel like I am blessed with a few other souls.

This body is pangender, pansexual, and it's okay. Thank you Anthony, I think I just finished what you started two years ago.

(A note: I don't want to sound like I want to sum up the entirety of the DID experience, I'm just reflecting on my own. No DID System is like any other. )

(Another note: The first picture Anthony ever took of himself, two years ago)

[telltalebatman]

post the frankie size queen essay

in form of a ficlet as im wating for my food delivery. nsfw btw

"So," Angelo asked her one day. "Mac Gargan, huh?"

"Ugh, don't start this again," she sighed as he laughed. "I've told you already. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know he's coming to our wedding-"

"Franks, I couldn't be any less mad about not getting married to a girl if I tried. All things considered, it is a miracle it took pops this long to figure out I'm gay, and I never liked lavender to begin with. Nice touch with having lavender in your wedding bouquet, by the way," he added with a grin as she laughed. "Subtle."

"Yeah, I thought you'd like that," she said with a giggle. "I just saw they had this option and went - holy shit, Angel Boy's gonna love it."

"Well, I did love it. Buuuuuut... I didn't get you here just to reminisce about our failed wedding. Come on, Franks. I need to know - why him?" he asked finally, his dark eyes glimmering with curiosity; and Frankie bit her lip.

"Well, he does make me feel safe," she said slowly, wincing slightly as the irony of a guy who once kidnapped her making her feel safe was not entirely lost on her. "He's patient. Like, really patient."

"Uh-uh," Angelo said, rolling his eyes. "Fucking boooriiiiingggggg. I want to know the juicy stuff. Come on. How's your sex life?" he asked in his worst Tommy Wiseau voice; and Frankie groaned. Rationally, she knew this question was coming; and it wasn't the question she was dreading - it was the answer.

"I had never been fucked better in my entire life," she said with a deep sigh. "You know that club bouncer guy I told you about, the one that looks like Don Costa? He has a huge schlong, but can't use it. And Mackie... Holy shit, Angel Boy. Now I know what the Muppet puppets would feel if they ever came alive and felt the hand inside of them."

"Ew," Angelo said with a wide grin. "Gross. Keep going though."

"The first time he put it in I thought he's gonna poke my eye out from within," she continued, her cheeks flushing slightly as she thought back to their first time. "It felt so fucking good. I had never realized how much empty space I have inside of me until he fucked me. It was fucking unreal."

"Jesus, is that why you went radio silent for a week? Because he fucked you so good you forgot how to speak?"

"I didn't just forget how to speak, I forgot where I live," she said with a pained sigh as Angelo laughed. "And I thought to myself - great! Now that I've fucked him, he's out of my system. I can move on with my life now. But then I hooked up with another guy, and... It was just not the same. Nobody could fill me like he did. And it wasn't even a metaphorical, emotional void or anything. No, I mean it in the most literal, physical sense. He filled me up, alllllll the way. I then tried to, you know, get a dildo, but... Eh. It's just not the same, you know?"

"Yeah, I get that. An artificial dick up your ass is just not the same as the real thing," he said, nodding sagely. "Been there. Done that. Disinfected that afterwards."

"Yeah, I sure hope you disinfect your dildos. But anyway, that's how I figured out I'm physically incompatible with anyone whose dick I can wrap my fingers around. If it doesn't make me feel like I'm about to have to go to the ER, I don't want it. Apparently whenever we fuck, I look like I'm having a stroke and a heart attack at the same time, but he kinda likes it. He says it's hot when I can't even talk properly and he can really feel me."

"God, I am so glad we didn't end up married, our sex life would be so fucking bad for both of us. Me, I just can't top. You... Ugh, I can't even say it."

"Don't say it then. Just know that I do not think about you when I'm riding that Burj Khalifa of dicks. All I think about is how good it feels to my esophagus."

"Yeah, okay, Miss Piggy. What I hate the most about this conversation is that it's the same exact for me. And I love being a Muppet. I just wish dicks had fingers, you know? So they could wiggle them inside of me. That, I think, would ruin me completely."

"Oh god," Frankie breathed out, biting her bottom lip. "That would fucking rule. And also result in my eyeballs falling out for real, I'm pretty sure."

"Can the two of you shut the fuck up for five fucking minutes?" Mac asked tiredly from another room; Frankie and Angelo laughed in unison. They were having their weird little conversation in the living room of an apartment Frankie was renting together with Mac - who was trying to take a nap in the other room. Clearly that was not working out, and she hoped he had heard every single word. Because that'd mean a oh so you like it big, huh? kind of sex later on - and the only thing she liked more than his massive dick was when he made fun of her for not being able to string together a simple coherent sentence as he fucked her. "Please. Jesus."

"We'll be quiet now," Frankie said, kicking Angelo under the table. "Right, Angel Boy?"

"Yeah, as quiet as she gets when your dick pierces her intestines," Angelo replied in a sing-song voice; Mac groaned. Frankie laughed. For just a single afternoon, all was right in the world; and when the night fell, once again she forgot her own name.

ohmygodohmygodohgodohgodohgod

"You like it big, huh?" he said as she gasped loudly and grabbed the sheets as she tried to spread her legs even further. "Aww, look at yourself. Can't even talk," he added mockingly as she moaned and arched her back. "Hold still," he added, grabbing her by her waist as he fucked her. "Tell me how much you like it, or I'll stop."

"No," she moaned out, her thought slowing down to a crawl. "Pl... Please... Oh, god..."

In return, he only laughed; and she could feel his laughter, deep inside of herself. His every word, every chuckle echoed through herself; and she

fucking

loved it.

ohgodohgodohgodohgodIMCUMMING

"I barely even moved," he said mockingly as her eyes rolled back and barely any sound got out of her wide open mouth. "Aww, you're so precious. You don't even need friction, you just need to be filled up," he added; and she didn't protest. She didn't argue. Truth be told, she wasn't even sure what exactly was he saying in the first place; all that mattered were his hands around her waist, and his cock inside of her, and his beautiful body towering over her.

holy fucking shit.

he should fist me one day

[averyauthorship]

Find the word tag game!!!!

This is so fun and cool! Thanks so much @verba-writing for tagging me in this. I don't really have anyone to pass it along to, so if you see this, just do it for fun and pass it along yourself!

I have a few novels going right now, but the one I've been working on the longest is what I'll use here. The placeholder title for now is "Rules As Written."

My words are: alarm, drink, circle and deep

~

Alarm:

Tonya lets us inside, and I don’t realize how cold I am until I’m standing in the heat. Aria looks around at the full house. “There’s more people than I thought there’d be.” She doesn’t sound nervous, but the number of bodies in here instantly sets alarm bells off in my head. I take a breath. Aria squeezes my arm.

Drink:

At school, I didn’t exist—our friendship didn’t exist. But on the walk home, and in the evening, and on the weekends, we were each other’s everything. And, when he finally asked me out to homecoming junior year, I said yes. I ignored him telling me which dress to buy, and I ignored him telling me how I should do my hair, and I ignored the way he talked over me when he introduced me to his soccer friends. I ignored it because Elijah was mine, and being his girlfriend made perfect sense.

So I rationalized. Quitting the TTRPG club meant I had time to cheer him on at soccer practice, going to parties meant that Elijah would spend time with me on the weekends again, drinking a little bit, even when I didn’t want to, meant that Elijah thought I was fun. I molded myself into the kind of person Elijah wanted to be with, because it seemed worth it. He was mine.

Circle:

“I’m Tonya,” the girl says. I make myself look up at her. She’s got on a dusty blue wig that contrasts really well with her dark brown, cool-tone skin. She’s taller than Aria, and willowy. She looks like Aria’s people. Do I look like Aria’s people? I guess I do, because I am Aria’s people. Tonya smiles at me. “Good to meet another black girl around here. We’re few and far between.”

That makes me laugh. I feel myself loosen up. “That’s true.” The only brown face I see on a consistent basis is Aria’s, but she’s not black. Besides her, my circle of friends is pretty small (nonexistent). It’s not like I’ve really tried to expand it. So Tonya’s right. It does feel good. It would feel even better if I met even one other biracial black girl here, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Deep:

Mari notices me first. She lifts her soft, blue eyes in recognition before huffing and dipping her wet nose back into my dad’s denim button-up.

Dad looks over at me next with what can only be described as pride. The wrinkles around his eyes deepen into crow's feet. He always regards me with awe, like I’m the stars and he’s seeing them for the first time. My sister gets the same treatment too.

~

It almost feels like I cheated because I didn't use the EXACT words a couple times, but I think it's fine lol! If you do this, tag me because I'm interested to see what you find.

Your words are: dance, melt, grow, and snap

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary426

11/23-24/24

saturday - sunday

some days are really nice, until something stupid happens, i guess.

but if i'm being honest a lot of today was a lot of things, not just nice, the day out started complicated and only got more so. to start it's windy, any day which is windy i should maybe take as an omen as i will always at least be in a worse mood because i fuss over my bangs and think everything is a little more stupid because of that. so there's that, to start with today.

first thing was to go to this cup sleeve event at a boba place for a guy's birthday, someone in my gf's favorite kpop group, wooyoung. so we go to the thing, we stand around, we get drinks, they look at stuff, she spends some money on some stuff for the photocards, and gets some freebies. the drink was good, i maybe should have not had it though.

i keep sitting here, thinking about how to even talk about having a basically pleasant time, in the kpop realm for a while, but still being so totally alienated and growing more depressed as time went on there, not just at the event but at another store my gf and her friends went to get more stuff, more albums, they go to two more stores actually. they get stuff at both, her friends get way more than her. they ask her if she wants some stuff, and is like, no. that's good. then they go trade with these people, lots of women, some nb people, some guys too, mostly women though. it made me think about porn, not, like, that these women are doing the same as selling pornography dvds, but it made me think about how the patriarchy made such a thing formalized and normal, and how i guess one has the inclination to see this as weird, and that as just commerce. however, i found myself alienated, no matter what, i just felt so weird, it makes me feel sad, in a self pitying way because i feel like not enough, that my gf needs a photobook full of photos of a guy who she i guess finds really cute but it's always that he's an effeminate twink. i don't really want to be that. i don't want to be thought of like that. i just want to be her partner or whatever. i know it's hard to be anything other than that... i know to her, that includes me, to me though it feels wrong. everything feels wrong. i don't know. but there's that angle, and then this sense that it's all, i don't know, it's just full of a little sadness, these super filtered photos of guys who are sexy or cute to these people, some ideal, all you can do to feel like you touch it, hold it, fuck it maybe or at least know it in depth, is to collect. it's infinite, as long as this person lives, you can take images of their face, put them on cards, and collect them through their days, the shifts in the group's image, hair changes, wigs, whatever. i guess i feel like no matter what, there's desire on the other end of it, but it can't hold what it wants.

i keep thinking today about addiction, about how we feed little ones, and about this fear, that what she has now is a kind of addiction, that this addiction will sink us somehow, that it will fuck us financially, make her lonelier because when you want something impossibly far from you, you want to reach into the flattened form of another person, and i'm here, too real, too much pushback, unavailable in my ways, sometimes i don't want to have sex, i don't want to be touched sometimes, maybe i just want to be looked at, my great wish has always been to be behind glass, and touch hurts me sometimes, discomfort of some kind. i dunno. anyhow, there's this addiction fed by a loneliness it implants, this implanted loneliness is basically good for the economy, it makes one need other things, apparatuses to help the fantasy exist or something, to have access to a kind of phantom virility in the other you want. it's okay that we have eyes that go elsewhere. i'm not very attractive, i'm stupid, i'm ugly, i feel so ugly, it's really painful, to be honest, i feel like i keep looking at my hair i keep thinking, i fucked it up, i'm less cute, i should cut myself, instead of cutting myself i'm writing it out that i want to, that i want to take the scissors i cut my hair with and also cut the collagen ampoule pads my gf bought and cut my wrists, horizontal, just to bleed and feel sorry for myself and feel warm and the impossible things i like to feel. she has hers, i want mine.

anyway i keep thinking about addiction, i wonder if there are any which are manageable, which we can handle, you know, to prevent something bad from happening, or, i dunno.

there's a selfish thing, in me, about this spending, i want to be spoiled, i want gifts, she has these things she collects, i want my things, i want little things, i don't even know what. i keep thinking tonight, i just want to be thought about, all i want is to be thought about, i want my words to be remembered, i feel so not remembered sometimes. i know though this is stupid, i'm stupid, seriously stupid and wrong and i'm just selfish instead of wanting her to spend money on these things just hold onto it but who cares. i don't know what i want, i never know, i never speak up, it's all my fault, everything bad is my fault and i make everything about myself and i'm a bad person.

anyway, we eventually leave kpop world and go over to a bar, my gf has one drink, our friend has one drink, we're having fun, or, wait, i forgot, we got dinner, at a sushi place, and i liked that, we were having fun then too!! and i was spoiled i suppose. but i know she really wanted that, because it's her favorite food, and we're celebrating, i forgot to say, because i'm so selfish, i can't say it so specifically what accolade she's received but really its for the excellence of her thesis and there's a little money thrown at her for it + this is pretty distinctive for her, and she deserves it, of course, she really is that smart, and she deserves far more than they've given her, they should really, i think, give her so much support, because she really fucking tries in ways people don't always try, in every level of her work, for the students she teaches, for her scholarship, always putting so much thought and research in.

after the bar, sitting and bullshitting a while, we go to the book store where they're doing a special 10 year anniversary reading event for local writers to read their stuff. they had 10 writers come out, the short of it is, a really nice reading, some stuff i quite liked hearing read aloud, surprising lack of poetry, but the prose occasionally surprised me, usually i never am! i think the best there was the co-owner of the bookstore's reading, about a lemur named susie q and her wrath against her owner who becomes pregnant, really funny, naturally very funny, he is a funny and sweet man. the second best... hmmm... i liked this older woman's her name is colette, she talked about scorpions in hers, it was more essayistic than what she described it as, she said prose poem, all the same, it was nice i think and it felt genuine. it's really interesting to me, how rare it is to find people who try to be funny in their writing, i mean, i'm so bad at it too, i basically get it. to see someone who i really had no idea about, the co-owner, i wondered if he'd be a poet actually, or all kinds of things, and he really surprised me, i think most of us, although i think we all imagined he would be rather good.

at the reading was someone we haven't seen in a while, that guy who cheated on my friend but got back together with him because they do i think really love eachother. however, my gf has issues with that guy still because he was like "your other friend is a liar for saying i was trying to fuck one guy i wasn't" and it's just like sure whatever dude. seeing him was interesting, he kind of just hung around the rest of the night until we got away from him at another bar and he called our one friend, hey why did you not come to (x) place i thought you'd all be here!! and it was like oh,,.. sorry... blah blah blahhh. at the reading, also, my gf spilled wine on me, i was holding her cup of wine, i said something funny, she started swatting at me and it spilled all over the tights i was wearing!! really annoying, but whatever, i shouldn't care at all.

he's basically nice, still, he's funny, easy to bullshit with, for better and worse it's easy for me to forgive him or just act normal, he does his best to make things feel normal, or if not normal, just, fine, whatever, everything being roughly okay.

basically we sat at one bar, then went to another, my gf getting more and more drunk over the night, getting basically super duper wasted, more than she's ever been, by the end of the night. in between bars, we went to a sex store, she bought a vibrator and i keep wonder i guess, about the videos of her favorite guy, the way he seems to express a sort of virility, even though she always says things like "you just know he's a bottom" it seems like he's less interested in being a corpse than i am, and that's fine, and then the thing she now has, which i can also use to be fair, even though the rabbit ear bit will do nothing for me the weird rotating thing inside would probably feel good to my insides, it's a rather violent machine compared to anything i can really do, i guess, is what i think seeing it, i don't know, i don't feel impotent or replaced, i just feel distant or something, like i said, there's a thing that appeals to a loneliness, or a kind of loneliness natural to being a person, i don't know, is it my fault she has it in the first place? i'm lonely too in my ways, such as, i feel distant from everyone, even her, even as well as she understands me, sometimes i feel foreign, i feel foreign to everything, like i'm a stranger to myself and i am still saddled with the task of translating myself, and there's things dreamed up by capital, basically, to alleviate that pain, or, is this pain even real? maybe it's our being convinced of it on some level that gives it any strength, and it's an illusion, it feels illusory, i'm no different from anything else, people and coral, i'm just emptiness with stuff around it.

either way, or, is there any other way, i feel digressive tonight, i don't know, all i can say is, i don't know. i don't think the bad feelings come from a dildo so much, which like i said i can use those were only some thoughts i had, really it's seeing things like the fleshlights, the huger fake but still human cocks, the outfits, the women working there who seemed to know a lot, the fleshlights especially, anime sex dolls, i don't know. i guess especially the things where we see the workings of the patriarchy, and also i guess, looking for something i would want inside myself, and there being very little really. sometimes fingers (or fist, if i'm feeling excessive i suppose (sometimes i do feel so)), just feels better than those things. sometimes i like the fucking or whatever of something penis shaped, because it lets me feel like i'm being fucked, but either way, i don't know, is this tmi? tonight's been too much really. commodities, relationships with non-people, people packaged and sold in portions, collectable and easy to store, the division of gender in these, how men get one set of objectification where they seem to possess themselves and in fact sell themselves, their power over preserved, and women wholly abstracted to a warm spot and some functions.

overall she just wanted to blow reward money on something nice for us i guess and it's nice, i hope she's not ashamed of it, i just want her to be happy, i'm always confused by my own feelings.

then my gf went to go get super drunk at this other bar and i had a nice time there too, we were all together just chatting, i was happy to talk to our friend more there, or we talked the whole night, there was a point at the other bar we were talking about current events, the misery of that, and here she told us sex stories which i won't recount, just that she was telling us these things because she felt close to us, or feels close to us, really likes us. i really like her, she's a sort of friend i don't think i've had before really, or, not true, she's like one of the people i'd get close to online as a friend, just someone i could talk to a lot, enjoy a lot, have around other people, always talking about nonsense, but here, you know, and having someone like that makes talking to others looser, my gf is like that too, i may have made it sound like she 'doesn't get me' but i think she does, i hope i get her, she makes living in the world and among others so much easier and better, really much better, more funny, more joyous, everything increased, that means even the stuff that makes me feel fucked up though i guess. anyway, we were all talking, my gf gets more wasted than she's ever been in her life, and then we get in the car, our friend leaves her phone on the sidewalk we go back for it, it's there of course, we continue to go get tacos somewhere, or they'll get tacos, my gf is like, i can't eat, i can't eat, and in the drivethru, she eventually gets to feel so sick (because, maybe, i am making incest jokes (maybe evil... i dunno... i was doing it earlier, she was laughing... i do it all the time... it's funny to me... sorry...)), that she vomits, in 5 or 6 bursts, everyone's quiet a bit, and then everyone's like, it's okay, it's okay, i'm not saying that, i feel bad about it, but i'd feel like i was lying, since i was like, i have to make sure and follow through on making everything okay like cleaning our friend's car and cleaning the clothes at least enough and getting her in bed but i had some help when we got home, but the car ride home was unpleasant and blah blah blah i just went and said what i wouldn't do and did other things and cut my hair more and the car ride reeked of vomit and i don't know why but being alone right now makes me feel insane, when people are drunk, it's like they aren't there, it's just someone wandering around clueless like a child, it makes me so unhappy sometimes. sometimes not though. sometimes it's okay.

i cut my hair more, i think i'm going to hate it. i was happy with it other days. i was not happy with it at 5 am now it's 7 am i cut my hair more and did other things and am unhappy with myself and delirious, whatever.

i came home, cleaned my friends car of vomit, other friend helped my girlfriend out of her clothes, got her to bed, she was worried about me being upset at her, i'm not upset at her, sometimes the world is too much, it just happened and we had to deal with it and i don't like the smell and cleaning the clothes when we got home was unpleasant and time consuming but it's okay and it's okay that she puked and i talked to people about times they got puked on and it was funny and okay, i did the bad stuff just because of feeling ugly and burned out and like i'm dealing with an impossible problem and i don't really want to be myself at all.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[moxiemaemaple]

Building.

I've been doing a bunch of random things to make money. Trying to get some funds so I can have enough to pay back the money I had loaned as well as…live. It is expensive in this city. I'm constantly feeling like I'm making money to just eat.

I woke up today outside the city, in a small town. I was working at the gopostal delivering packages. I realized they had me working out of that warehouse and cheaping on pay. Here I'm driving hours in and out of the city getting the same pay as someone who makes less a commute working at a warehouse in the city. So I'll be looking for a new gopostal warehouse to work at. I'm not going to keep getting jipped on pay!

In other news though me and Crow did some random contract work. I guess people who need shit down, or materials for whatever post up on this public board. You can take the postings and fill them and make a bit more money doing it. I'll be working on that now when I can! We did some power washing. It was a bit of a whole thing to get started but once I got the hang out of it I quite liked spraying gunk off of shit. Very satisfying.

It was a bit out of the blue but after that Crow wanted to get a tattoo. We stopped at a shop and while he was getting some work done he had another thing to share with me. Wasn't another teddy bear or other gift like that, honestly was something far more meaningful.

He showed me his face. I leave people and their masks alone. I never question it. I wear a mask of my own after all. He told me his real name, explaining why sometimes things were listed strange on paperwork and such in the past I had seen. I was a bit speechless. I don't know how to communicate emotions very well…I realize I just get too nervous to speak sometimes.

I feel honored he wanted to share his truth with me. Makes me feel rot knowing I hide my own identity. I can't take it off…not that easy. Maybe it is but the fear stops me.

Later we went to his place and I realized what a man cave it was. Guy has a whole house and left it empty! Except a bed and some tables they had a bunch of tools and shit all over. I decided to put my skills to use and build…I know…I know what I'm thinking. I already built a whole house before for someone…and- lets not think about it.

I know I shouldn't build for others. I can't help it…what is wrong with me? At least when I asked for money for more plaster he didn't question or fuss. I managed to get the floor plan laid out. I'll have to go back and have the builders repaint the walls. A crow like its black and I went with beige mom aesthetic. Easily fixable!

I realized how good I am at…building. I thought about maybe helping others and their own DIY projects by maybe making a video on how I do things. Share my knowledge. Building…always building… am I building again for villains in disguise?

I don't know if I'll ever tell Crow what my name is really. He probably already knows. My 'secretary' takes all my calls on the yellow pages…and also is the name that logs into the labor app when I'm clocking into work. Feel kinda stupid. Guilty? A struggle.

Some wear literal masks, some wear wigs and make up.

He blacked out his arms. I wonder what tattoos he hid under them… I thought about having more done for myself, trying to cover the ones I have a bit. The one on my leg already exposed me to someone in the past before. A tribalish tat I got done at a festival while high off my rocker. I decided at the time it was a awesome to try and get a stick an poke tattoo. So there I am for hours with some girl poking me by hand over and over. Eventually the high started coming down and we had to finish with a ink gun. The pain was bad. My leg looked like hot garbage for so long till the healing phase passed. Now it is just like a birthmark, recognizing feature forever on my left calf. Someone awful of my past found me just by seeing it. Insane I know, but its true. There is that paranoia. Fear of nothing known. I can't even have my tattoos out without feeling exposed.

I'll tell my friends the truth one day. Though I rather continue to be Trixie. If someone calls me Maple again I'll die inside.

[northwest-cryptid]

Alright so this post already has like nearly 4k notes and I'm sure there's been a ton of discussion on this topic and I want to air this right now and say I'm a NB individual who's not trying to ruffle any feathers so to speak; but I have personal experiences with this and figured I'd share my two cents, it's ENTIRELY FINE if you disagree with me. You can absolutely disregard what I say here but for those who want to know my opinions and thoughts on this topic, here ya go. You're 100% on this one, I've been saying this for a while but essentially; it's one thing to be supportive and understanding of someone's gender when they come out; it's entirely another thing to assume you know more about their gender identity than they do just based on your own personal experiences. I remember way back when I was very questioning of my gender and believed myself to be MtF trans it was specifically because people around me began telling me I was, and I realized it was always because of the fact I embraced a lot of traditionally feminine stuff. Of course they didn't take kindly to it when I had mentioned that I should still be able/allowed to be a man and be into those things, because those things don't make someone a woman they're just things I can like.

But here in lies the issue if I may be so bold, and yea I'm kind of scared to say this but it's just my own thoughts on the matter. See a lot of the people who were telling me I must obviously be MtF trans were MtF trans women themselves. To who, those things WERE what made them feel like a woman. Those things were what let them embrace their gender and BE a woman. Even though if we're being honest, they were a woman regardless (ya know, hence the whole being trans thing; you can be a MtF trans woman and be into trucks and beer and sports and whatever other traditionally masc shit you want because interests don't define your gender by the way) but they didn't FEEL like a woman unless they threw themselves at their more feminine interests and embraced that those things MADE them a woman. Which, hey I get that; I understand wanting to conform more with your gender in whatever way you can. It's the same reason sometimes I wish I had longer hair and have often thought about getting wigs, but then you gotta keep in mind that I also have thought about wearing wigs for like; literally the last 10 years and it was never a gender thing for me. At the end of the day I didn't want to blame these individuals for pushing that on me because I understood it from their perspective. Clearly if in their mind, painting their nails, wearing traditionally feminine clothing, using feminine products like perfume or even just deodorants, and going to the mall/shopping made them feel like women because those things were all interests they believed were traditionally or inherently feminine, then I can see where they'd believe me to be the same as them since I had a lot of the same interests. So when I still thought of myself as a man and had a lot of the same interests/activities I could see where it might come across as weirdly threatening. For my MtF friends, the idea that something WASN'T inherently feminine was actually a bad thing, they didn't want to abolish gender roles because those same gender roles were the very thing that let them feel more like their actual gender while early in the transitional period where they still had a lot of dysphoria about their looks, body, interests, that sort of thing. It was also a really "easy" way so to speak; to announce to the public at large that "I am not a man, I am in fact a woman because a man wouldn't have painted nails, or wear perfume, or be shopping at the mall!" Which is actually just not true but you know. This is literally coming from discussions I had with them on the topic because yea I called them out on this when I began to question my gender a little more. There are even some of them who still try to pull the whole "see I knew it, I knew you weren't a man!" Because I'm NB and they're equating that to being MtF which in my own personal opinion, it's not. I sometimes sway between calling myself NB and calling myself Gender Fluid, because I honestly still identify as a man, about just as much as I identify as a woman, which is literally just about as much as I identify as neither/both/whatever. Whenever they try to pull that shit on me, the argument is always about whether or not being MtF and being NB/GF is the same, and what bothers me there is that; none of the things they attributed to me being trans, ever impacted me being trans. They were never things that made me question my gender, they were never things I ever even thought about. Some of them weren't even things I had a conscious decision in. Like half the time I wore feminine deodorant because it's just what was available, most of my interests aligned with more traditionally feminine shit because I happened to have more traditionally feminine friends. I've been questioning my gender for a while, and the only time I honestly stopped questioning it and just decided to go with what other people wanted was when everyone around me had decided for me that I should be a woman because of what they deemed feminine and didn't like it when I asked "can I still be a man if I like these things? Do these things inherently make me a woman?"

So yea, there's my two cents on the matter. I admittedly have some strong opinions but you hopefully understand why. At the end of the day I tell people quite often that you only get one life to live (save for any religious belief you may follow) and I'd rather everyone just get to live a life they're happy with, if you're a man who's into painting your nails and wearing feminine clothing but you're cis and straight and still rock your long ass hair, more power to ya bro. If you're a trans woman and you want to rock a buzzcut and trucker aesthetics hell yea girl go for it. Who honestly has time to give a shit, life is too short to care, but if you're going to judge or accuse someone of being this or that because of what they wear, or the things they buy, or the music they like; well... shit man shut up no one gives a fuck.

tl;dr if you wouldn't say a trans man is a woman for buying pads (which you fucking shouldn't, I shouldn't have to say that but I am) don't say a cis man is actually a trans girl just because he buys feminine deodorant.

calling every gnc cis person you see an "egg waiting to crack" even as a joke is not cool or funny at all actually it is extremely invasive and weird and you are just reinventing gender roles but making it "progressive"

[litterednglitter]

My wrath knows no limits.

and I'm so happy that I snapped out of it when I did.

Anybody who knows me. and I mean really knows me. know that that is exactly what I am applicable of. There's a reason why I'm telling you this. let me explain further.

On Wednesday that just passed, I was very tired from working 2 jobs. (bear with me here I know I like to practically brag that I work 2 full-time jobs I know, I know we all get it moving on!) Well, that day I was more tired than ever. At the company where I work, we have something called "wellness rooms". Now for those of you who don't know what wellness rooms are, it's a multi-purpose where anybody can use for almost anything.

Most of us use it for sleeping. Yes, that's right. we have cots and we can sleep in the workplace. We all have it good here. We get free food, unlimited coffee, tea, gym, showers, and last but not least laundry mats. You can almost live here if you'd like. But I'm not a hoebow so I think I'll pass on this.

So I was using one of these cots to nap for about 5ish hours in between jobs. when I gathered all my stuff and try to move on to the next job I walked outside only to find a white and pastel pink/purple bike but my car was gone. At 1st I was thinking that I lost my mind. There was a history that I use to park my car in a different part of the parking lot and forget about it. I use to wig out and proclaim that someBODY stole my car. Then roughly about 8 mins later I was standing there looking stupid. I always told myself never again.

so this was that "never again" I made sure that I wasn't trippin' and made sure that my car was not here. It wasn't, so I had the go-ahead to freak the heck out! I threw my stuff on the floor and ran back to the security office to get to the bottom of all of this. and yep sure enough someone little guy about the size of a 10-year-old took my car. This little dude rode up in a white pink and purple bike and upgraded to my car.

yeah, the fuck with that kid. After I was done losing my shit. I remembered I had placed an air tag in it that was well hidden in the crevices of my shit box car. I mean it was a 96 Civic and it looked like I had drugs or a dead hooker in the truck. I mean let's be real for a hot second.

Felipe and I took one look at my find my phone app and he said wanna go con front of him? I said HELL YASssss! Let go! So we road around and still couldn't find my car or the guy and we thought he had an iPhone and found out there was an air tag somewhere in the car and threw it out. Only we couldn't find it.

Finding out the hard way air tags are not that reliable. So I had no choice but to call the cops. They came pretty quickly but considering the area that I've been in they don't play. The cops were really nice and took all my information down. They drove off. One of them said I think I know where it might be after giving them the last location of my air tag. then drive off.

They even took the bike! I really wanted to keep it because it kinda looked nice but I'm sure what looked like a 10-year-old took it from someone else. But the PD took it away.

Felipe and I took another go-a-head around the neighborhood thinking we would find it. About 20 minutes in, I got a phone call saying that the cops found it! HA! THEY FOUND IT! We were both so excited we headed there ASAP. We were told to meet at a storage place.

As we were driving up to the place guess who I saw strolling down the street? Yup! You guessed it! That son of a bitch who STOLE MY CAR!!!!!! The only thing that changed was that he took off his flannel shirt and placed on bigger sweatpants. Overall, he was still wearing the same thing.

So I did what everyone else would do took a deep breath approached him and kindly asked him for my car back....hahahhahaha yeah I did none of that. What I did was jump outta the car and tell Felipe to call the cops and I confronted him.

The 1st thing I noticed is that he was not a 10-year-old He was like a 28-year-old short dude that looked like he stole his wardrobe from his cholo dad. That's what he looked like! A grown little dude who still shopped at Baby Gap. And you think that stopped you from confronting him? Absolute not! I am 3 times his size about 3 times his weight and I was fixing to beat his ass 3xs more than anybody ever did.

I said you SOB you took my car!!! Gimme back my car! He wanted to take off to the back alley but we both knew that wasn't going to happen. This not so 10 yr old little dude had a big o machete and he was ready to swing at me.

But my trusty bestie was recording the whole time. So he stopped and thought about what he was going to do next. It also didn't help me out that I was screaming at him like a ranging Karen saying DO IT AND WATCH WHAT HAPPENS!

Finally, after all of that, the cops finally came and joined the party. Boy did that take what seemed like forever! No, I wasn't really angry over that. Oh no no no no! Life is not that simple. Not only did the cops let him go. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you the COPS LET EM' GOOO! Apparently, If I want to commit a crime in CA. all I need to do is change clothes and say it wasn't me.

But what really set me off into a rage. Is not the fact that the cops let him go. It was the fact that he gave me that studio date rape look and said I didn't even want the car anyways. Loud enough for me to hear it and not the cops. TF! Is wrong with this guy?!? I lost it!

I flat-out ran up to him and told him in Spanish. (yes I don't know if you know this I can speak Spanish) You better hope that I don't catch you here again. I will come back when you least expect it and BURN your fucking hut with your rat-looking dogs and your whore in with you.

I think I spooked him because we both knew that I was very serious. He ended up running away. back into the very creepy, very empty, tall grass field. I was still trying to figure out who can I borrow a gas can from. Thank god for my BFF, Smurf. She talked me down from committing not only arson but murder too. Thank God for the best friends. Ohhhh how my life is just Littered N Glitter

[fellasleepinbaltimore]

I wonder how much is just inlve never been super comfortable in a masculine position like... I've always disliked being lumped in with other guys bc I think I've always felt different from them in a lot of ways not that they're all the same I just didn't feel entirely myself in those spaces like it's definitely a part of me and I can exist in them but I'm also not that like a lot of me exists outside of that and in contradt to it

as I'm getting older I feel like people are mentioning it more and more and on one hand I really don't like it like it wigs me out on another part I don't hate it it kind feels good so it's weird

it's feels good to be seen favorably like that yk valued but it also feels uncomfortable to be carved out like that ig to be actively placed into an archetype before my eyes

bc a lot of what I don't like about masculinity is the like horrifying responsibility people try to place on you for like dumb traditional reasons like one time my grandma called me the man of the house and I actively wanted to rip my face off I'm not the man of anything I'm 18 years old with no job what are you talking about, like I do think guys are expected to like handling things and that's never been me dhtuyu

what I mean is like guys put themselves into these like oh I'll take care of it all don't worry like... my dad does that like he'll take on burdens and never explicitly ask for help but resent the fact he doesn't get the help he needs like men have such a stupid like ughyh

men do really thing they're doing something but they're just alone they're just doing something alone and it's so annoying to be made to do that when I literally didn't ask for it byjtuyyuyy

bc when they call you a strong young man they're saying you're gonna handle everything thrown your way or you're less of a man 😆 fhyjuiii

so I wonder how much is it that I dislike being told what being a man is or how much I just don't like living as a man idk

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

1-26-23 Weigh in Good.

January is officially in the books. I posted the results to WW. Here are the stats:

Start 216 Week 1: -2.3 Week 2: -2.6 Week 3: -2.2 Week 4: -3.9 Total January Loss: 11 pounds

That's really impressive, considering especially the binge that was wigging me out was this past week (week 4.) I'm happy that January was a success. February has me worried. I will be at Disney world, and its really, really hard to maintain, never mind lose while on vacation. I know from multiple instances that vacations trigger me REALLY BADLY. I have never EVER come back from a vacation and continued a weight loss program successfully. So, I need to come into the last week of February with the best plan to end all plans. I don't know what that looks like. Maybe set my expectation to maintain for February? (with the idea that I lose the first three weeks of Feb?) It just feels like a terrrible plan to gain potentially 6 pounds while I'm at disney world. (The 6 that I anticipate losing.) its like that work goes out the window.

What are my other options? Stay on plan as much as possible during my work week. That's difficult, given that the lunches are provided and I'm at the mercy of the buffet. Ugh, I hate eating in front of people. That's the worst!!!! Also, I am always afraid that I won't have enough food later during vacations by myself. So, how can I handle this? Breakfast will be eggs. Maybe a piece of toast and some fruit. Stay clear of potatoes. Stay clear of bacon and meat. Maybe substitute out the eggs for a sausage or something one of the days. For lunch, eat the lunch, stay clear of cheese. Try for chickens or turkey - as close to what you normally have as possible. For dinner on Sun - its sushi. Just get a roll and the soup. That should be fine. Get some fruit and pirate booty for the room. For Monday, its Epcot - you know where you are eating. Try to stay somewhat healthy in there. No alcohol. For Tuesday its Hollywood studios. Again, you have ideas on quick service. Look it up ahead of time and try to be reasonable. At least both of those days will be walking. But I can't count on exercise to save me. I have to be reasonable with my portion sizes and meals. Next is Wed. I have no dinner plans. I was thinking of going to circus de soil and getting something at Downtown disney. This is possible - maybe look for something reasonable. Or maybe even a quick service sandwich at the hotel before I go? Not sure. That's a big question mark.

For Thurs, the hubby and kids are there. Its going to be quick service at MK. Again, this is a fairly easy thing to control. Sandwich, take away the cheese. Deserts are a big thing once the family arrives. I might say no to MK desert. Maybe stick to popcorn - see if they have airpop option, no butter. For Fri its Epcot and this is definitely going to be a challenge. Space at night - I'm not staying on plan. i am dining at one of the most incredible and expensive restaurants - I'm having my dinner. This is a lets dip into points day. I may even choose to go non-AF on this day. Something challenging here is that we do not have any reservations for lunch or breakfast, so we have to figure out what that is going to look like. I might see if we can get breakfast in our room to eat ahead of time - low cal bread, eggs should work. Then lunch, again finding something lowish points. Snacks at the showcase would be good. I have to stay clear of the alcohol, that I know that Vincent is going to be going towards. I just don't want it. I want to be AF until space. (and even then...?)

Saturday - ack. Hollywood studios, another reservation, this time at Brown Derby. I'm eating all I can eat again. Possibly another wine choice. That's going to have to be the same process as the previousd day. And lunch, maybe we will find that lunch box quick service. I think there are reasonable things there.

Sunday - last day, and arguably the hardest. Buffet! And not just any buffet - one of my favorite. Ever. Like in the world. Its at animal kingdom, and I just love it so so much. I think the key here is going to be loading up on low cal stuff and then getting small selections of the stuff I love. Which is everything. Ack. Well, this is is - this is the last meal and I would not be eating again till the airport, or something on the way to the airport.

This is not an easy thing to navigate, but all i can do it make the best choices I can. Eat at the three restaurants I want to eat at, and make somewhat healthy choices during those meals. The space one especially, I can enjoy the ambiance and eat reasonably. Brown derby - steak. Maybe a salad or soup sub for potatoes. Buffet - ugh. And that's it. Its vacation. Weight loss prayers, please. And, hey, at least we have january success!